#it isnt the one with meth in it though. SAD

[br1ghtestlight]

going to start on adhd meds in a couple days everybody get excited for me to post something like this

[tigertofu]

(Just wanted to say first of all, Handsome in an Ugly Way was the first gta fic I read when I got back into the fandom and it was, and still is, the best gta fanfic I’ve ever read, along with all of your other fics. They’re all perfect!)

Anyways! If you feel up to it and have the time, would you mind doing the DVD commentary thing for this part-

“He dismissed you with a wave of his hand.

You pursed your lips. Considered saying something. Considered taking up his offer to cuddle, even though your feet were itching to run you back home. But you kept your mouth shut, turned heel, and left.

You softly clicked the trailer’s front door shut behind you. Head bowed, you took a second to collect yourself. A breeze passed over you, chilling the lingering sweat and saliva clinging to your face.

The beginnings of regret simmered in your stomach. Maybe your fantasy should’ve remained a fantasy—just a foolish little daydream you could entertain yourself with when bored at work or in bed. Maybe you shouldn’t have let Trevor work you over so easily. Maybe you shouldn’t have let him fingerfuck you; shouldn’t have let him have his way with your mouth. He definitely hadn’t washed his hands before touching you. You shivered. You needed to shower. ASAP.

You started your walk home, eyes still pointed down at your shoes as you crossed over the rickety front porch.

Despite the feeling of dirtiness inside you, that magnetic pull still existed. If anything, it had grown stronger; you couldn’t deny it. You replayed Trevor’s frantic declaration of love in your head, and your heart tripped over itself.

You hoped he wasn’t mad at you now.”

(💕💕💕 !!! im always kinda surprised when ppl tell me they liked Handsome In an Ugly Way sm cuz i wrote it just to be disgustingly self-indulgent 😅 but im glad to hear u like it !! srsly im honored, TYSM 🙏🙏🙏)

ok so this was from chapter 1 (sad that my memory is so shit i had to look up what chapter this came from)). chapter 1..... i was (still kinda am) experimenting w/ my writing style in this fic. me and looooong sentences have a love/hate relationship so i like forced myself to reserve the longer sentences for the more ~significant~ parts. that's why "Maybe your fantasy should've remained a fantasy — just a foolish little daydream you could entertain yourself with when bored at work or in bed." is the longest here cuz ooh i wanted that shit to have Weight

now smth that ive always been drawn to exploring/writing abt in my fics is, like,, the reservations one might have after realizing theyre attracted to trevor. cuz like cmon. ik that if i personally were in this situation irl i would be RIDDLED with confliction. like that clashing of "ohhh, i shouldnt.. he smells like death and is literally a murderous meth addict who recreationally shits behind dumpsters" with "oh but hes so hot why is he so hot" is just so ripe with interesting implications and the potential for storytelling. and drama the DRAMA

hm also. ive worked v hard to keep Reader going down this path in this fic w/out it becoming TOO similar to Kacie's story. like yes Reader is still mildly scared of him (("You hoped he wasn't mad now.")) but she isnt pissing her pants over it, and he is not being Too Terrible to her.. that may change a bit as the story progresses and she learns more abt him tho....

another thing: i wanted to immediately give smth for Reader to latch onto, to fuel her lil crush and make it clash even harder w/ those "oh i shouldnt. i rlly shouldnt" feelings, hence trevor's "I love you" during their first hookup (and just cuz yk. he totally would). hes just so charming 🥰🥰🥰

ty again for sending this in !! 💞💞 i hadnt read this bit of this fic in a long time so it was fun going back over it like this :D

[kissmymongoose]

Through the good and the bad, im still trucking! Weve almost finished all of the christmas shopping. I want to get the kids a lap desk for when theyre chilling in bed or on the couch. I also want to get mom a picture frame with pictures of her deceased loved ones. Her mom and dad on one, my poppa in a frame, her brother that has passed on. Just stuff like that. A memory frame if you will. Im not sure if ill be able to get it done the way i want but im gonna try damnit.

I need to get stocking stuffers. I keep seeing posts encouraging dads to fill up moms stocking. Kinda makes me sad cause no ones gonna care to put stuff in mine. Ive filled my own before. I think i will this year too. Nothing crazy, a good chocolate box, maybe a bath soak kinda thing or a face mask. Idk. I really like the dark chocolate oranges. Instead of a face mask i could look for some cheap nail art tools. Idk though. It would be nice to have someone else do it. Or even to wrap the gifts I am getting. Theres no suprise when youre the one wrapping them 😥 dont get me wrong, I am very very excited and grateful for what I am getting, I just would like a little special thought put into it for me. This isnt about me though. Its about making sure the kids feel all the magic of Christmas so that when theyre older they can make a little christmas magic of their own.

Gwenavere is such a sweetie. She asked if santa was real and dod gammit im still saying yes! Because even if santa as a man doesnt exist, the spirit of giving and being together is very very real. I told her yes of course Santa was real. I didnt specify how 😉 . i told her if she didnt believe in him then he would stop bringing gifts. And that she would still get presents from family, but that santa was worth believing in because he always seems to know just what we want or need. She says she believes me because I got gifts as a baby, and my biological mom was a drug addict, so santa must be real! 😭😭😭😭 my sweet sweet loving baby! Ive had to tell her about "nanny tab" because im not going to force them to see her and im not going to lie to them about her. We know she doesnt make good choices and that she is addicted to drugs. But the main reason is because she is sick. She has a few illnesses. One or two of which are terminal. Her organs are literally slowly hardening until they atrophy. Even her skin. I dont want them to get attatched to someone who doesnt care just for them to lose her. Im not going to lie to them. My whole life coming up my mom "great aunt" tried to let us have a good impression of my biological mother. And for years we cared and for years she didnt. Im not going to force my kids to be a part of someones life who doesnt care. She might in her own way, but she does not have whats best for my babies on her mind. Im not going to let them trust her just for her to let them down again. I decided for good last year when she came by so high she couldnt remember why she was there or which kid she had stolen what for. And then she gave my kids used dirty mixed up playdoh. And i couldnt let them play with it because i didnt know where it had been. She does way too many drugs for me to be letting the kids dig their hands in it. I had to explain to gwen and adon to be thankful that she thought about them, and that we would throw this playdoh away in case it was unsafe and id get them some fresh playdoh and we could just pretend it was what nanny got us. 😣

Oh yeah, so, we got robbed! We know who did it. An old friend who is addicted to molly and meth. The dumb fucker luckily got our least valuable dirt bike. But almost had our best one. Thankfully david took the kickstarter off and the fucking idiot couldn't operate the bike 😂 im very thankful that it played out the way it did.

Anyway. Im gonna watch a few videos on youtube, blaze up, and start cleaning up our mess from the weekend. Then im gonna finish up wrapping the presents and call it a day. Gonna try to get some rum from the liquor store before bed time. I have some coconut cream to mix with it.

[stay-trash-2017]

Kim Kayhyun was a girl from a rough past. Her parents broke up when she was only a few months old, her mom is a hard working asshole. Her father was disabled, not disabled in the way you think. He broke his shoulder in a car accident when he was in a car accident with his 5 year old Kayhyun. A few years later he got in another car accident with his girlfriend at the time and fucked up his brain. He cant talk or think as fast as he used to. He has a new girlfriend though, Park Demyuna. She has two daughters who just happen to be kayhyun's favorite people. Her two daughters names are Park Karajin and Jung Runjyun. Runjyun is 11 and karajin is 14 almost 15. Kayhyun is only 14 and has already been put through hell. She has a little brother Hwang Xanie who just turned 8. Kayhun was very greatful for what she had no matter what but her parents did piss her off quite alot. Her school life wasnt any better, sure she had a few good friends who loved her to death but she hated everyone else. Kayhyun's best friend Min aniha and her boyfriend Jeona Jigsew would basically fuck in the middle of the hallway, it is very gross.

KAYHYUN'S POV

      Ive really only has every had one crush in my life time, his name is Bang Chan. He was tall and had the most lucious brown curls in his hair. His dimples so deep you could swim in them, his eyes were so soft and caring, and his voice makes me melt. Its like honey, better yet an angel. I only know this because a little while ago we both auditioned for a music company called JYP, he and i both became trainees and we found a new friend ship through that. He is the sweetest person on earth but every one know the biggest smile hides enormous amounts of hurt. Chan had been through almost as much as i had been through. He came to Seoul in the 3 rd grade and he was constantly picked on because he is from Australia and didnt speak fluent Korean. Once he was fluent people started making shit up about him and he didnt deserve it. The worst thing that ive heard being said to him was that he was going to get dropped faster than a hot potato from JYP. He dosent seem like he takes it to heart but as one of his best friends, i can confirm he definitely does. I have a small group of friends, there is Han Jisung, Seo Changbin, and Chan they are also trainees . I am so lucky to have them through everything. While going to practice everyday after school, we made some new friends. Chan found a new family that he could depend on instead of his own fucked up life. Chan met Kim Woojin, Lee Minho, Hwang Hyunjin, Lee Felix who was also Australian, Kim Seungmin, and Yang Jeongin. They are all so sweet, they have been to hell and back with their own experiences. Woojin was a year older than Chan, Jisung, Changbin, and I.

       Woojin had pupes man, this boy could belt some notes, he is a giant teddy bear. I remember once i was sad because my boyfriend had broken uo with me and told me horrible thing. I hurt myself and it sure as hell scarred but when woojin saw the scars he hugged me tight and made me promise i would never do that again, i agreed because i was extremely ashamed of myself for letting a boy push me that far. Woojin is an all around great guy.

      Minho was a Mean Hoe. He only teased me and his fellow trainees because he cared about us. He used to be a back up dancer for the imfamous boyband Bangtan Sonyeondan. Minho aasnt ashamed to have danced for them but it did cause some self doubt issues when he became a JYP trainee. He was convinced he was too fat or not strong enough, when in reality he couldnt come to realize that one day he would rise to Bts's level. He was always there for everyone especially Jisung, He had grown VERY close to Jisung.

      Hyunjin is an amazing little soft person. He and Jisung shared the same voices, no, not schizophrenic voices. The voices that told them they werent good enough to be a JYP trainee, these voiced told them to do horrible things to them selves. Hyunjin has the scars on his thighs to show. He never wanted to do it but the voices overwhelemed him one night and found himself in a bathtub of cold water. Long, deep, thin lines that covered his thighs.

      Felix is another Aussie boy, him and Chan both born in Sydney. Felix was teased back home for wanting to be an Idol. He was told to kill himslef and that he would never be good. Felix had friends back home, not all of them true but when he was only 15 he moved to Seoul and started learning Korean to become a successful idol. He grew to some what love himself when he met the boys. He truly loved them. Especially  Changbin

        Kim Seungmin had never been bullied but he was abused. He lives with his Meth head aunt, and dont get me wrong all the boys do very much worry bout how permanent  the roof over his head was. Seungmin did his best not to ask for much because his aunt thought she gave him the world. Where in reality he only had a bed, a blanket, and a phone he bought and payed for himself. He was very greatful for what he had and tried his very bets to stay on his aunts good side, most of the time he was but i prefer not to talk about the bad times.

      Jeongin was the baby of the group. He had a great life, or as far as i know. He hasnt really opened up with me yet but i dont want to force him into something he isnt comfortable with.

     Well now that you do know who the boys and how they came to be who they aee today lets continue...

     It was lunch period and Chan, Jisung, and Changbin ran off without me. I was angry but not to mad they were probally writing new music for the group. I decided to listen to my music and write a poem. I got situated at our usual lunch table and pulled out my notebook. I grabbed my phone and my ear buds and started playing Day6, I turned the volume all the way up to drown out any noise from the rest of the cafeteria. I wrote to my hearts content. Poetry was my way of letting out any sadness or anger. The notebook was yanked away and my head shot up to see, Im Sarang. She hated me for no reason. I jumped up and tried to grab the book from her well manicured hands, but it didnt help that i am only 4'9 and she is 5'11 plus the 4 inch heels she was wearing, in all imagine a 4 foot 9 girl dressed in dark colors jumping 2 inches off the ground reaching for a notebook being held by a giant. Sarang prefered to be called Sara. Sara was popular but she was NOT pretty. She looked like Filipino man in a messy blonde wig, with fucked up eye liner and a pale pink off the shoulder top ( i think certain people get that refrence). Sara slapped me down to the ground and thats when, I lost it. I didnt hit her back but I did stay on the floor teary eyed as sara read out the poem i was writing to the entire cafeteria.

"I’ve been thinking ‘bout my life

Is it better if I die

Before I fall asleep forever

I'm trying to find feeling within this nothingness

I’ve been thinking ‘bout my life

Is it better if I die

Before I fall asleep forever

I'm trying to find feeling within this nothingness"

    Sara looked at me a laughed. She gave me a look pure disgust and hatred, thats when I had enoungh. I sat up and snatched the notebook from her hands and grabbed my bag and ran out of Cafeteria. I was running down the hall way when i collided with a man. I fell hard on my butt, i felt my head slam against the hard tile floor. I let out a final sob before the man came to my side, my vision cleared after all the tears had left my eyes. Park Jaehyung.  He was the guitarist of the Band Day6. They had already debuted but he was still needing to go to school.

"Oh my gosh! Im so sorry!" He said very apologetically. He reached for my hands to help me up.  I sniffed and looked him in the eyes and started crying again.

"Yo hey ey, whats wrong?"

"Sara, she makes my life a living hell when all i want is to be left the hell alone when it comes to my inner thoughts!"

"Ugh . . . Sara is my Best friend Byron's sister. If you think she is bad to you, she calls me OPPAR. Me and the rest of my band. She is so annoying. Dont let her get to you. She is just jealous because all the actually hot guys swoon over you instead of her." What Jae had said made sense but im not pretty.

"Shut up, im not pretty. " you managed to say.

"Youre damn right. Youre gorgeous." He said while taking your hand in his. He starred deep into my eyes and kissed me. And wow. Was he some kisser? I didnt feel awkward and stiff, i felt sparks.

     His lips pressed against mine was the best feeling in the world. Our lips mold together and I feel his hand slip to my hip and pull me closer. I wrap my hand around his neck and pull him into me. He pulls away and rests his forehead on mine and i feel great. I hear a throat clear from beside me, and i look over to see Chan dressed nicely with Changbin and Jisung on both side of him. They are holding what seemed like a million lavender roses. Chan looks at me with hurt and dissapointment in his eyes. He walks up to me and places a small rectangular box in my handm without saying a word he turns around and walks out.

Oh boy what have I gotten myself into...

[howdy-nyalll]

Tari ==> School another nerd.

The character Otaria isn’t on the bog yet but this rp with @in-fin-ite-seadwellers was sooo much fun tbh.

[12:08] -- recalcitranMusician [RM] began trolling complacentlyEquitable [CE] at 00:08 --

[12:08] RM: HEY Y⦿U!

[12:10] CE: He||o you

[12:10] RM: what's up nerd

[12:12] CE: must you ca|| me names?

[12:12] RM: it's h⦿w i sh⦿w affecti⦿n!!

[12:12] RM: i d⦿n't think y⦿u're THAT lame tbh.

[12:13] CE: we||, I won't |et that one go to my head

[12:13] RM: it w⦿uld take f⦿rever t⦿ get there anyways >:/

[12:15] RM: s⦿ did y⦿u get gr⦿unded t⦿⦿?

[12:16] RM: can a king GET gr⦿unded??

[12:17] CE: As much as they can ground an emperor. It wou|d seem the guards have been instructed to fo||ow me when I |eave the premises

[12:17] CE: It's a si||y thing to do

[12:17] RM: d⦿ they g⦿ t⦿ the bathr⦿⦿m with y⦿u?

[12:17] CE: No, of course not!

[12:18] RM: s⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿ y⦿u c⦿uld sneak ⦿ut again!

[12:19] CE: I think they wou|d notice when I've been in the bathroom for too |ong

[12:19] RM: tell them y⦿u had a bad burrit⦿

[12:20] CE: I'm not going to do that

[12:20] CE: It's not worth the troub|e rea||y

[12:20] RM: didn't y⦿u have fun?? :(

[12:21] CE: I did. But not enough to justifiy sneaking out again. The entire staff is on my case about it

[12:22] RM: y⦿u have needs t⦿⦿

[12:23] CE: I simp|y can't. There's too much work to do

[12:23] RM: willw we never get t⦿ hang ⦿ut again??

[12:24] RM: y⦿u g⦿tta have a balance ⦿f w⦿rk and play dude.

[12:24] CE: I want to! trust me, I rea||y do! I just don't care much for getting in troub|e

[12:25] CE: As for the ba|ance... I just don't know how to go about it

[12:25] RM: we'll figure s⦿mething ⦿ut. i can't leave y⦿u all being a sad sack f⦿rever!! what kind ⦿f friend w⦿uld i be.

[12:26] CE: I'|| take a |ook at what things can be moved around to make some time. I promise nothing, but I'|| try

[12:27] CE: I appreciate the effort, by the way

[12:27] RM: well n⦿ pressure anytime s⦿⦿n.....she's been ⦿n my ass f⦿r a week n⦿w.

[12:27] RM: haha n⦿ pr⦿blem ;)

[12:28] CE: Perith has you on a short |eash? I suspect she's not too p|eased

[12:29] RM: y⦿u have n⦿ idea!! i'm n⦿t all⦿wed t⦿ g⦿ anywhere basically!!

[12:29] CE: Annoying

[12:30] RM: y⦿u're telling me. s⦿metimes having a m⦿irail can be huge pain in the ass.

[12:31] CE: I woud|n't know. My friend seems to enjoy her's though

[12:31] RM: i w⦿uld think y⦿u'd have miles ⦿f lines ⦿f saps lining up tp get y⦿ut sweet r⦿yal pap tbh.

[12:32] CE: I think we've estab|ished I'm not terrib|y popu|ar

[12:32] RM: plus y⦿u're really chilled and n⦿n-vi⦿lent!! y⦿u'd be a great m⦿irail.

[12:33] RM: i guess it d⦿esn't matter t⦿ us, we're under her rule.

[12:34] CE: So it wou|d seem

[12:35] RM: i d⦿n't see why y⦿u w⦿uldn't be p⦿pular?? perith has a shitl⦿ad ⦿f w⦿rk friends.

[12:35] CE: My work is fi||ed with boring adu|ts. Adu|ts don't want to be friends with chi|dren

[12:36] CE: And no one my age is boring enough to think I'm any fun

[12:36] RM: ew. adults suck.

[12:36] RM: i think y⦿u're fun!! :)

[12:36] CE: Most of them, yeah

[12:36] CE: Thank you, I think that's a first

[12:36] CE: You're |oads of fun though!

[12:37] RM: i kn⦿w ;D

[12:37] CE: So humb|e too

[12:38] RM: the humblest!

[12:38] RM: it's barely even w⦿rth menti⦿ning h⦿w humble i am.

[12:38] RM: thats h⦿w humble i am.

[12:39] CE: You shou|d be awarded sainthood for your humb|ness

[12:39] RM: ew, sainth⦿⦿d is b⦿ring.

[12:40] CE: You'd be praised by the masses

[12:40] RM: hmmmm

[12:40] RM: i mean i kinda already have that

[12:40] RM: but its tempting

[12:41] RM: maybe if i was a c⦿⦿l saint wh⦿ still kisses h⦿es and d⦿es sick raves ⦿n the side.

[12:41] RM: saint ⦿nly 9-5 ⦿n weekdays.

[12:41] CE: I suppose if you're a saint, you can pretty much do what you want, within the bounds of the |aw

[12:42] RM: if i'm a hgiher being h⦿w c⦿me i g⦿tta d⦿ laws!! fuck laws. laws can kiss my ass.

[12:42] RM: emper⦿r/empress < saint.

[12:42] CE: You're a saint, not a god!

[12:42] RM: maybe i g⦿t pr⦿m⦿ted fr⦿m being s⦿ g⦿⦿d at sainting.

[12:43] CE: You'|| have to take that up with the church on that one

[12:43] RM: yeah there's g⦿nna be a ref⦿rmati⦿n i think. heads up.

[12:44] CE: So |ong as I can keep my head

[12:44] RM: as y⦿ur g⦿d my first c⦿mmandment is f⦿r y⦿u t⦿ hang ⦿ut with me asap ;D

[12:44] RM: yeah im n⦿t a lame g⦿d dude dw.

[12:45] CE: We||, I can't possib|y argue with that |ogc

[12:45] CE: |ogic

[12:45] RM: (im like the free plasma tvs and sweet p⦿pc⦿rn g⦿d tbh)

[12:46] CE: Very nic

[12:46] CE: nice

[12:46] RM: s⦿me⦿ne getting tired?? ⦿r drunk L⦿L?

[12:47] CE: Thinking faster then my fingers, I suppose. Certain|y not drunk!

[12:48] RM: haha im jk br⦿. i kn⦿w y⦿u w⦿uldn't be partying w/⦿ me.

[12:48] -- recalcitranMusician [RM] changed their mood to DISCONTENT --

[12:48] -- recalcitranMusician [RM] changed their mood to RANCOROUS --

[12:48] -- recalcitranMusician [RM] changed their mood to ECSTATIC --

[12:49] RM: s⦿rry her dumb cat is here.

[12:49] CE: I was wondering what that was

[12:49] RM: ugh i think i hear per c⦿ming. im n⦿t supp⦿sed t⦿ be ⦿n her w⦿rk c⦿mputer l⦿l.

[12:49] RM: i changed the wallpaper t⦿ a butt ;D

[12:50] CE: Natura||y. I expect nothing |ess

[12:50] CE: But you rea||y shou|dn't be on her work computer

[12:50] RM: well i als⦿ sh⦿uldnt be gr⦿unded!! life isnt fair.

[12:51] RM: anywh⦿ i h⦿pe i get t⦿ see y⦿u again s⦿⦿n??

[12:51] CE: I'|| do my best! I miss you

[12:51] RM: nerd

[12:51] RM: see y⦿u s⦿⦿n ;D

[12:52] -- recalcitranMusician [RM] gave up trolling complacentlyEquitable [CE] at 00:52 --

[thetragicescape]

I know no one asked for it buttttttt

This is my blog and I feel like venting. So here we go. More spun thoughts. I feel... hmm. I feel bittersweet. I miss my old roommate. She is honestly not a friend to me, she's a sister. That's how close we were. We hung out 24/7 during our freshman and sophomore years of college. Well, the half of sophomore year before I left. We knew everything about each other and made so many unforgettable memories. Her friendship has been invaluable to me, and we spent so much time together that she was more family than my blood family. She did have strong opinions about certain things, and that's why I hid my drug addiction from her. Her twin sister is addicted to the same drug. I constantly heard her talking shit on not just her sister but meth addicts in general. She was always saying how nasty it was and how bad tweakers were and stuff. I stayed silent the whole time or joined in on her shit talking to cover my ass, never wanting her to know that I was the very thing she despised. I thought that if she knew she would be angry, yell at me or say horrible things to me, or- worst of all- stop being my friend. And I absolutely could not lose her; she was a sister to me. I was confident that I could hide it well enough that she would never need to know, but we can't all be so lucky. The day before I left school, my ex (the one who would rob me the next day) ratted me out to her. I was both furious with him and scared that I was going to lose one of the best friends I ever had. What happened next was miraculous. Something I never would have expected in a million years. She didn't hate me, she didn't stop being my friend, didn't even say one rude word or remark. She was a little upset that I had hidden it from her for so long, but once I explained that it was because I valued our friendship so much and was terrified to lose her she seemed to understand. She even gave me a hug! I was so touched I was near the edge of tears- she knew the worst thing about me, that I was addicted to meth, yet she loved me all the same and was still like my sister. I was about 90 percent sure she would hate me for this, yet she accepted me fully for who I was, faults and all, when for so long I was terrified she would hate me if she knew. I only felt luckier by the second that she had reacted completely opposite of what I thought and that I had her. That night was the last time I saw her. I left college to run away with my ex, he ended up robbing me and my amazing best friend and his wife took me in and let me stay with them. I think of her a lot every day though and miss her. I felt bad leaving her alone there cause we were all each other had. At the time though I thought she would be okay. I mean, for as long as I've known her ive been secretly jealous as fuck of her. She was perfect in every way, and I wish I could say I was exaggerating. She was seriously perfect and I wanted to be her so bad. Honest to god I still do, and if you knew her you'd wanna be her too. She's skinny and absolutely drop dead gorgeous, not to mention amazing with make up. Guys were practically tripping over themselves for a chance to get at her when I was lucky if a guy so much as glanced my way. Getting love or sex or any male attention to her was as effortless as breathing. That wasn't even what I was the most jealous of though. I envy the fuck out of her magic social powers. I can think of another way to put it. It has to be magic cuz I sure as hell couldn't do it. She has some insane power of getting people to take interest in her without trying, and friends flock to her like a moth to a flame. Especially in her home town (when I went to visit her over the summer)- she was popular as fuck. Without even trying, she had more friends than she knew what to do with. All my life id been a near complete loner and desperate for friends, for connections and relationships. No matter what I did, my peers still hated me and I remained a loner. I went straight home every day after school and didn't leave my room cause I had no friends. She, on the other hand, never had to be lonely for a single second- hell, I didn't think she even knew what loneliness MEANT! Without even trying, she had what id wanted so desperately all my life- tons of friends, no loneliness, popularity and guys drooling over her. Over breaks when we went home, shed be having a total blast partying with tons of different people, while I sat alone in my room on the verge of tears because I was so damn lonely and wanted so bad just to have someone to hang out with. Sometimes it was hard not to snap out of pure envy- once she complained to me that she got invited to too many parties. Inside me I was ripping my hair out- like why the fuck are you complaining?! Hers was a "problem" I could only dream of having. Of course if she asked I said I hung out with friends over break because I was embarrassed to let her know how truly pathetic I was. I felt for so long that something was wrong with me and I didn't fit in with humanity because I was so fucking lonely, but she could get everyone in the world to be her friend by fuckin blinking at them. Also her parents were incredibly chill and not strict or controlling at all, the exact opposite of my dad. They cared about her, more than just her grades, they brought her self esteem up instead of crushing it, and they talked to her as an equal human. Which I couldnt pay my dad to do; to this day he talks to me as though Im an idiotic young child or an extension of himself. Never an equal. Hell, I was jealous of her for having grown up with her mom still alive- I lost mine when I was 7. Anyway. At school we hung out only with each other, so I felt very close to her. We tried many times to make friends with other people at the school, but everyone at that school was an ultra religious Jesus freak prude, so not our usual type. Still we tried. We learned pretty early on that people didn't like us for some reason. They got weirded out by us after hanging out with us once or twice and then magically disappeared, never talking to us again. Now i dont know if this is just a paranoid tweaky thought, but I think the word "us" isnt exactly accurate when placing the blame on why nobody wanted to hang out with us. I think the us is actually me. I was what chased everyone away. She has such an incredible talent at making friends that there was no way they didn't like her. I was what they didn't like, and I was always hanging out with her, so if they were chilling with her they were chilling with me. I dont know what about me did it- I seemed to have the opposite abilities of what she did. I suspected that I was the reason since last year, but what's happened in the last couple weeks only makes me think more and more that I was the reason we were so lonely. Since I have left the school, she has instantly made a whole group of friends. She's getting a house with them her senior year and everything. Without me to get in the way, her natural charms were uninterrupted and she found friends almost instantaneously. Nothing like that ever happened when I was around her. Im really happy that she has moved on and found friends so she Wont be lonely, on the other hand it made me sad she moved on so fast. I know that's not fair of me- I cant just expect her to never chill with anyone ever again because I was gone- but still i feel it. That tiny heart ache. Im quite replaceable I think, and Im glad she found her people and not loneliness. I mean it with all my heart, I want her to be happy because she deserved it. Ive experienced more than my fair share of loneliness and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But love is about appreciation not possession, and what matters is she is happy and has people to support and love her, whether i am included in that or not. Just like you trim weeds to make the garden flourish, my absence has helped her become the socialite she always wad again. I am sad that we are separated (and honestly jealous of her ability to attract people to her without conscious effort) but happy that she is happy. She's quickly moved on and Im sure that in time she will forget me completely. The thought hurts but I need to accept that it might be a possibility. I chased friends away from us, why would she want to remember that. I miss her to death but without my weirdness chasing her social life off, she is much better off. She's in her element again, a social butterfly spreading her wings and flying out into the world. I wish I knew her secret on getting people to want to be her friend or boyfriend or whatever , but ill just have to accept I never will. Even she doesnt know, its an instinct to her. I never was lucky enough to have that gift but oh well. That's life. It is what it is. I really hope that this is just the drugs and the paranoia talkin, that it wasnt my fault we had no friends and she also played a part in chasing them away. I hope with all my heart it isnt true, but deep in my heart I worry that it is. I guess ill never know the truth and Im honestly kind of glad, cause Im not sure I could stand to hear it if it had been my fault. I accept that ill never know. I still miss her though. Even if she forgets my name, ill remember her and her friendship and cherish the memories we made for my whole life. If she wants to continue being my friend, which there's a decent chance of because she still hits me up on Facebook occasionally to check on me, I will be ecstatic. Shes like my sister that came out of a different vagina 😂😂😂. Whatever choice she makes is hers though and I will have to accept it no matter what. Her happiness means so much to me that if she slowly forgot about me, id know at least she is doing well, uninhibited by my weirdness and free to put her social talents to use again. If our friendship does end (which is painful to think) I will hold onto the good times. Ill try not to cry because its over but smile because it happened. I would appreciate that I had such a close bond with her that saying goodbye was sk hard. If saying bye is hard you know it was a good friendship and a blessing that I had it..... Okay, rant over Holy fuck I sound like a weirdo. Tina makes me rambly. Then again this was so long Im sure most of u got bored and didbt make it all the way to the end 😂 I dont blame you its pretty long. This is probably mostly for me to read when I sober up and laugh at myself. If you did stick thru to the end, thanks ❤ weird tweaky rant over!!