#it’s awful to play as a viola player and i hope to never do it again

[friendlyneighbourhoodelf]

sometimes things that are popular are good (this post is about Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake, op 20., act II, no. 10 scène (moderato))

[survivorgalaxysedge]

Episode 4 | Space Cadet Blasting Off Again - Jessie

We swapped. And what a wild swap it is. I want from the Andro Tribe to the Circi Tribe. And so did Jonathan, Ari and Zoe. Four of us stuck together on a tribe of 5. We also have Ali with us. I’m worried Ali has an idol so I just don’t want us to lose at all. Let’s keep the good vibes flowing. 

AND NOW IM AM ON CALL WITH JONATHAN AND HE'S TELLING ME ABOUT THE EXACT PLACE I JUST WENT AND THE EXACT RIDDLE I DID LIKE "SOMEONE ALREADY GOT THERE" HELLLLPPPPPPPPP honestly this is what he gets for going off script! i had the room search under control and he was supposed to be in the hallway so it's not my fault he found my mess!

I encountered an alien in the idol search! I sang them a song and viola! I have a special power. I have the ability to kidnap someone from another tribe, for a full round of the game. They compete in the challenge with us. They'll attend tribal council if we go, but can't be voted out. Kind of a neat little power. It has to be used before merge. So I guess we'll see what happens. If we started with 18, swapped at 15, I imagine that merge will be at 11. I've got a few tribals to figure out when/how to use this power, if I even decide to use it at all. Man, I am loaded. Hidden Immunity Idol and this now. On a DISGUSTING note, someone used a power on me to destroy 10 of my fuel. Thankfully it was only 10 and not a whole lot of it. 

I’m actually so annoyed Why the heck would you say “we should throw the challenge .” Like legit why. This is my favourite challenge and I’m not throwing . I get that Jacob hasn’t said a lot but seriously throwing a challenge to get rid of someone who seems kinda new is so stupid . I’m actually so annoyed rn so I’m typing my thoughts so I don’t yell at the person who said they don’t wanna take the time and edit because we are losing anyways . You know what maybe if you didn’t have such a negative attitude about the situation we could turn out a badass video . Did you ever think maybe the other tribe would be down right awful and we could pull out a win ? I’m so tired of my tribe constantly losing . Anyways updated thoughts or whatever because we had a tribe swap Jacob: said creative challenges aren’t his thing . Trying to talk to him more Cindi : we haven’t spoke I don’t think she likes me from our last game though which is fine I guess? Nathan : Original tribe loyalty I guess ? Jay: Jays pretty cool. Okay that’s it I just needed to vent so that’s why it’s confessional form I also still have my idol so flex I guess ? Idk that’s sounds kinda cringe This is Jessie the space cadet blasting off again 

I AM SWAP FUCKED

I SWEAR TO GOD MY GAME ENDS WITH THESE HOES

Keegan is going home

Fourth straight immunity win! This game is wild. I’ve never done so well before! And now I’ve got another 6 fuel, which is a total of 16 fuel from reward wins. With my hidden immunity idol, and my steal a player advantage, I feel unstoppable. But, things can change at a moments notice so I’m not going to stand on my high horse, I’m going to remain realistic. I don’t have any alliance chats, the only person who has straight up said they want to work with me is Jay who is now going to tribal. It’s almost a bad thing not attending tribal so many times, because I have nothing to test or prove loyalty. Who knows what will happen moving forward. 

https://youtu.be/dm7Kta2n7hs

Well we just lost the challenge. Not that I'm surprised, we pretty much lost it when we didn't communicate for a whole day. I tried to do my part and get people discussing but once it was clear this wasn't gonna be a win for us, I just used it for strategy. I wanted to do my best despite the circumstances to prove that this tribe needs me since I'm active and good in challenges. And I think it worked! The judges shouted me out twice for my part in the video (even tho it kinda sucked, but I guess my white boy dancing was good in comparison). But anyways, I do like this tribe and I'm sad we lost, but I have a little theory on why some people didn't try so hard. It was discussed before the challenge even came out that we wanted Jacob out. How this happened was Nathan approached me as soon as we got onto the new tribe and we called and had a good talk on how we felt about the game. Turns out that the queen herself, Jessie Flynn, advocated for me as an ally to Nathan before we even swapped. And us both, and Jessie, all felt good about Cindi too. And ever since then, Nathan's been in my DMs talking about voting for Jacob. So overall I think I landed myself in a pretty sweet spot on this disaster of a tribe and hopefully we can get our shit together for the next challenge, cause things won't be so clear cut next time.

https://youtu.be/dm7Kta2n7hs

WE WON. THANK *GOD.* after flying across the country yesterday and dealing with several minor life crises, i literally spent the ENTIRETY of today working on that video - meaning from when i woke up at 10 to fifteen minutes before when it was due - and also spent seven whole dollars at the dollar tree for props & costumes soooooo if we had not won i would've been quite embarrassed. i was nervous about the editing part, as i've not ever actually put together a music video challenge, just weird silly videos like me as zac efron.... but it turned out okay! i'm not 100% satisfied with my work (i wanted to put more transition effects & it needed more variety / staging to make it less repetitive) but hey it was a thousand miles above the other teams' submissions so i will take it!!! and i never have to listen to space jam again!! anyway, i guess this means another boring day around camp. winning reward got me two more adventure missions, which i used to mostly complete the outside portion of the quest and jonathan is i think gonna finish it off for us tonight. i am hoping/assuming he'll get whatever is there since it's been literally only 48 hours since this started and the door keypad had five zillion combos, and that'd mean that's the last thing in this adventure probably? oh wait nvm we still have a shit ton of stuff to check in the hallway i should do that next. but yeah so that'll be good and i hope it is an advantage or a disadvantage that he won't play on me LOL. if i wake up and all my fuel is destroyed.... i know where you've been jonny! not much else to report right now. it sounds like ali's doing a good job of getting himself in the good graces of zoe and jonathan, which is the most ideal scenario for me so we can say bye-bye keegan. i was a bit worried that if we lost this challenge i wouldn't have a plausible reason to argue to jonathan for keeping ali - or actually, more likely, i think he would have wanted to vote zoe? she hasn't been around as much and he did express concern on saturday about whether she's doing okay. luckily though, this W has bought me a few more days to work on getting the people i like to like each other.

https://youtu.be/F4_Sylzyxyw

UGH UGH UGH I GOT TRIBE FUCKEDDDDDDD IM WITH MJ WHO I JUST SLASHED THE VOTE OF AND LIED TO AND THE OTHER 3 ARE FROM THE SAME TRIBE. GOD DAMN IT. UGH but on the other hand we won immunity and it'll give me time to get to know my other tribe mates. I just hope this isnt a "tribe strong" battle in this game. I hope everyone are free agents

woo! ari and i are together in the swap as well as keegan and jonathan, and ali wound up with us as well on the new circi tribe. we won the music video challenge so the streak continues. i’m very tired!

so the tribe swap went pretty much the best it possibly could, as i got swapped majority with the two members of my tribe i talked to the most. we won immunity so i'm chilling for another week. unfortunately, mj and silver seem to have no interest in talking to me. both of them left me on read after i initiated conversation. so. sits.

So despite the easy seeming vote, I'm still gonna be nervous until the votes get read. These players are no joke, especially knowing that Alex was completely blindsided by Nathan and Jessie. I'm staying positive because I think it's like, a 90% chance I'm in the clear, but you really don't know until you know LOL. I'm just trying to set up my position on this tribe and for the future. I've gone to Cindi, Jessie, and Nathan individually and reassured them that I'm with them for the long haul. And for now I mean it, but if any of them get too dangerous then ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ sorry not sorry~ looking specifically at you Nathan 👀

nothing rlly to say tbh happy we swapped!!!!! and happy we won!!!!!! happy to be here with jules. havent really talked much since swapping honestly but i think i'd like to work with jules and asya and somehow get silver tf up outta here when we get the chance!!!!!

https://youtu.be/kt66vebpU4k

https://youtu.be/t5x52CJdhjI

TRIBAL AGAIN. I'm so nervous. I'm the only one from Circi so that's an easy swap screwed if you ask me. But I hope I'm ok. I think I've made a good bond with Jay Nathan and jessie and they all say we're voting for Cindi so fingers crossed it's not all an elaborate ruse on me

First tribal should be a unanimous vote. I told Nathan if he voted me out I'd block him and our 50 day snap streak would be toast and, like, tbh I think that would crush him. Jay and I want to work together. The only one who might've been sketched out is Jessie but she doesn't have the numbers. It feels insane to be this not paranoid before tribal when I know Jacob is pushing my name...but also I literally don't think that he could get me out?? Like, Nathan and I were/are a dynamic duo so I do not know how he would flip. Jay flipping makes zero sense. The ONLY people this would benefit or be a neutral for is Jessie and Jacob. The only way I go is if Nathan and Jay are two of the dumbest players on the planet.

Tribals in an hour we lost Big sad energy I guess my hearts really going to supernova 

[whodunnitaceattorney]

Finale Part Two

Almost thirty minutes had passed, and still nobody had entered a code.

Phoenix’s hand trembled as he wiped his brow. He needed the others to finish, and as soon as possible. He couldn’t open the blue bin without their codes, which meant he couldn’t get to the other side, and, well… With a bomb supposedly about to go off, that wasn’t ideal.

And this wasn’t just about his survival. That was worthless now. He had kept performing his tasks as the killer’s mouthpiece all this time for one reason alone, and that was to save her.

Every moment of the horrific game he had been forced to witness was replaying in his mind, going all the way back to the first e-mail he received from her.

“It’s been many years, and although not much has changed on my part, I’ve heard they were very eventful for you…”

Phoenix usually couldn’t bear to talk about his disbarment. All the feelings of shame and frustration and helplessness seemed to float back up to the surface every time. It was likely she had heard a million awful things about his character while they were separated. And yet… She sounded like the same person. Like they could pick up right where they left off.

He knew now it wasn’t worth it. He witnessed eight grisly deaths, and now what he had hoped for was within a hair’s breadth. If he could turn back time, he wouldn’t have made the same choices, and he definitely wouldn’t have underestimated the murderous enemy lurking among the group. Whoever it was, their objective was to make him suffer, and he had played right into it.

But now that he was here, and somehow still alive… He was going to reap the reward of his cooperation. And she was going to make it out alive.

As if she was waiting for a cue, Viola burst out of one of the bedrooms and ran towards the input device where Phoenix was standing.

“I assume you’ve figured it out?” Phoenix asked, watching as she furiously typed in numbers on the keypad that replaced the countdown clock.

She waved his hand away as she concentrated, reviewing the code she had entered before pressing “submit.” The speaker made an affirmative ping in response.

The countdown clock then reappeared on the screen. They were down to about twelve minutes until the bombs would detonate.

Having caught her breath, Viola remarked on Phoenix’s expression. “You look nervous,” she said. “You aren’t… still upset about what was written in in the last Reveal… are you?”

Phoenix’s face fell. Viola always knew what he was thinking. “Yes, I suppose I am,” he admitted. “If not because of fear, because I know now that it’s my fault everyone was dragged into this.”

Viola fell silent. She couldn’t think of anything to counter the truth.

Seconds later, Will came rushing over, his chest rising and falling at an alarming rate. He had to be extra careful in inputting his code, as his large fingers could press multiple buttons with one movement.

“Where’s Ema?” Will asked through his laborious breaths. “Did I beat her back?”

“Looks like it,” Phoenix responded.

“I hope she doesn’t take much longer…” Viola said softly, her eyes glued to the floor. “We still don’t even know how we’re going to get across, and how long it’s going to take…”

Ema’s arrival came about thirty seconds later and was met with several sighs of relief. She calmly and methodically entered her long string of digits in to the code, and when she pressed “submit,” a new message appeared on the screen.

     — UNLOCKING COMMAND INITIATED —

Will jumped at the loud clicking sound suddenly made by the bins on the other side of the room. Those who hadn’t turned their heads in that direction peered at the graphic that the device was now showing. A list of the remaining guests’ names along with a corresponding bin color and shape was displayed.

     Viola: Purple Rhombus

     Will: Yellow Circle

     Ema: Green Triangle

     Phoenix: Blue Square

Ema looked up from the screen to see the others deep in thought. 

“C’mon, people! We need to move!” She exclaimed, thinking of the little time they had left to escape.

The others quickly shook off their apprehension and ran to the wooden bins. It was only once Will lifted the first lid that the guests understood how they were supposed to get across the river.

“Hang gliders…” Phoenix observed, his fear of heights biting at his chest.

The gliders only needed to be unfolded to become almost full size. Presumably, they would be enough for the several seconds of flight that the journey would require. Each one was color coded to the bin it originated from.

“There’s no safety harnesses or anything,” Will complained as he followed the others outside. It appeared they would just have to hold on for dear life.

Ema pointed off by the edge of the cliff where a tall boulder stood.

“Let’s jump off of that rock there, it’s the tallest one I can see. Hurry!”

Phoenix echoed her sentiments. “We need to run for it. We only have ten minutes left.”

The guests broke into a full-on sprint. There wasn’t time to worry about the safety of their escape attempt, or to question how the killer was able to set up everything necessary for the finale, or accuse the person​ they suspected of being a traitor.

Phoenix hoisted himself onto the top of the boulder, the others nervously watching from below.

“The killer has said I’m guaranteed passage to the other side,” he reminded them. “So it’s probably best that I go first as an example.”

He straightened out the hood of the glider, tightly squeezed the bar, and took one last deep breath before diving out into the abyss.

The breeze was strong, but the little glider stayed upright. The guests watched as their host reached the other side, falling on all fours into a far-off snowbank.

“Well, I guess it’s safe,” Ema declared. “I’ll just go next and get this over with.”

Will and Viola nodded, their faces practically green from the prospect of flying over such a deep canyon.

Ema’s green glider proved to be as sturdy as Phoenix’s. As she drifted across Eagle River feeling the cold air on her cheeks, she felt like a free person for the first since the beginning of her captivity at Hazakura Temple.

Only Will and Viola were left. They had no time to waste, but still, neither wanted to volunteer themselves.

Finally, Viola climbed up onto the rock, adjusted her glider, and jumped. Every tiny bump and bit of turbulence sent a shudder down her spine. She gripped the handle so hard her knuckles were almost translucent. But in the end, she too reached the other side unharmed.

Will tried to regain control of his breathing. Flying made him extremely nervous. Only the repetition of two phrases allowed him to force himself onto the platform: “If I don’t do this, I’ll be blown to bits,” and “The others made it, so it has to be safe.”

The others watched from the Inner Temple side, anxiously awaiting his arrival. Time wasn’t stopping to wait for him to cross.

What they didn’t know was that fate had stopped to wait. And once Will conquered his fears and leaped off of the boulder on the Hazakura Temple side, his fate was sealed.

For the first few seconds of the journey, everything seemed okay. Then, about a third of the way through, the wing of the glider began to tear. The split only got worse as it faced more air resistance, and Will began to lose height.

Clearly, the yellow glider was missing reinforcements that the others were not.

He barely had time to react before it was too late. Seconds later, the glider had almost entirely torn in two, and WILL POWERS was plummeting to the Earth.

Ema listened in horror as his last terrified scream rang out across the region, echoing off the sides of every mountain, never seeming to end.

And what she heard after that was not an encouraging “splash.” It was more like a “snap.” It was the sound of bones breaking against rock.

“Oh, God,” Phoenix said in disbelief.

“I guess that was the real objective of the Final Riddle...” Viola whispered.

This was the most difficult part of their escape. Not the riddles, not the bomb threat - it was watching Will die and not having time to reflect.

Phoenix put his hands on Ema and Viola’s shoulders. “We need to go. The Inner Temple’s this way.”

“What about the escape method? Where’s the thing that’s supposed to get us out of here?” Ema asked.

“We’ll handle that after!” Phoenix replied. “I’m not leaving without her.”

“How do we know that the person working with the killer won’t be waiting for us at the Inner Temple?...” Viola asked.

“Whoever it is has probably already evacuated,” Phoenix yelled back as he took off in the direction of the rickety shelter in front of them.

Ema and Viola looked at each other. They didn’t have a choice but to follow him.

Inside the inner temple was a dark entrance hall with a large stone door at the end. The women recognized it as being in one of the photos from Riddle One.

Phoenix approached the door to the Sacred Cavern and reached out to touch it. There wasn’t a lock or a barrier in sight.

He placed his fingers around the edge of the door and began to pull, anticipation flooding his mind as he felt the ancient structure moving.

What was he going to find? Was she going to be alive and well? Had the killer made good on his promise to keep her safe?

He didn’t know for sure until the door was completely open and he saw what was inside the Sacred Cavern.

And at this moment, he heard a laugh from behind him. It was an evil, sneering laugh.

And all he could do was fall to his knees.

Will Powers @willpowerss, you are the last person to be murdered. You are a fierce competitor and a great friend, and I’m so happy you made it this far! Thanks so much for all you’ve done to make this game more fun for your fellow players and for me.

The final wrap-up post is coming soon, sorry about the wait this week!

[supportforindieauthors]

'Tis the Season by James W George

The Christmas music emanating from the elegant viola was breathtaking. Of that, there could be no doubt.

It was a frosty morning and the second Sunday of December, but the local United Methodist Church was warm and inviting. The sanctuary was decorated, as usual, in a festive but tasteful manner. Attendance was indeed impressive, and every worshipper was absolutely enthralled by the beautiful music.

Thirty-two-year-old Heather Goodwin was in her element. She was an absolute virtuoso, and the captivating, athletic mother-of-one closed her eyes as her performance climaxed with the rousing chorus of Handel’s Messiah. Heather had already treated her audience to an emotional rendition of Silent Night, which was followed by a very poignant interpretation of Joy to the World. And now? Handel as the grand finale. Absolute perfection.

“All-e-lu-ia! All-e-lu-ia! All-ay-uh-lu-lia!”

Nestled snugly in the eighth row of the right-hand side, in the same pew she had commandeered forty-one years ago and had never relinquished, sat the redoubtable Millicent Ann Haverty. And she hated every second of the allegedly joyful noise.

Millicent Ann Haverty, or Millie Ann to her friends and allies, was a stern but diligent seventy-two-year-old grandmother. She was well-mannered but plain-spoken, tastefully attired in a manner befitting Sunday worship, and at that particular moment, was inadvertently grinding her dentures. She fidgeted in the pew, adjusted the buttons on her matronly pantsuit, and impatiently tapped her displeasure with her sensible footwear.

Millie Ann absolutely despised Heather Goodwin. That Goodwin woman was her most loathsome nemesis. In fact, Heather Goodwin was so loathsome she had absolutely no idea she even was Millie Ann’s nemesis. She was utterly oblivious to the struggle while lost in her smug, triathlontraining, viola-playing, orthodontist-marrying, perfect-mothering, daily routine. She was utterly vile.

Of course, Millie Ann Haverty was a reasonable woman. She had raised three children, two Labradoodles, one insubordinate Bassett hound, and had even managed to keep her lackadaisical husband, Herbert, on the straight and narrow these last five decades. She was grateful for the things she had been given, and she knew her limits.

She knew she was a plump septuagenarian, and had no right to be jealous of Heather’s rippling triceps, revealingly accentuated every week with her scandalous, short-sleeved blouses. Millie Ann took great pride in her own age-appropriate silver curls, and did not begrudge Heather for her silky but enticingly short brunette locks. Despite three decades of forcing squirming, sugar-maddened toddlers to sit upright during piano lessons, Millie harbored no jealousy for Heather’s musical gifts. (Besides, a viola seemed to be an oddly pretentious, European choice for music making. You would 2 think she could have chosen something more American.) And Millie had to concede that the one perfect daughter sired by the dreamy orthodontist was, in fact, quite adorable.

All things considered, in a different world, Millie Ann and Heather could have been friends. Well, not friends. Allies? Comrades? Fellow Methodist ladies beating away the moral turpitude so rampant in their community? Something like that. But it was not to be.

It was the cookies.

Millie Ann did not think herself to be a vain woman. After all, we lift our glory unto the Lord. She did not need much in this world. She did not need the fawning praise, the shameless adulation, and the lustful, probing glances constantly bestowed upon Heather. Millie Ann would willfully concede athletic talent, musical gifts, stunning good looks, and the certainty that Heather’s four-year old daughter, Vanessa Morgan Goodwin, was headed for her choice of Ivy-League schools in a mere fourteen years.

But the cookies. That was Millie Ann’s domain, and this sweet, picture-perfect interloper had brazenly stomped through Millie Ann’s sacred territory. Enough was enough.

For years if not decades, Millie Ann triumphantly ran roughshod over the feeble competition during the cookie exchange. Enthusiasts came from miles away to bask in the heavenly glory of her cranberry chocolate bars. Her German Lebkuchen honey cookies were so phenomenal, she would make room in her curio for another blue ribbon before she even baked them. Oh, and the iced pumpkin. The delectable iced pumpkin cookies. Millie Ann dominated the realm of competitive cookie-baking, and all was right with the universe.

And then, she arrived.

Three years ago, the Goodwins pulled into town and impulsively moved into that brand-new five-bedroom McMansion situated in the up-and-coming outskirts of town rife with overpriced coffee shops, foreign-sounding retailers, and refurbished taverns allegedly catering to alternative lifestyles. (Millie Ann’s idea of an alternative lifestyle was Episcopalian, so she thought it best to leave well enough alone.) Five bedrooms for one infant! Oh, how the congregation oohed-and-awwed over baby Vanessa.

The beautiful music had now ceased, and the applause was deafening. Reverend Morrision was shamelessly heaping gratitude and compliments upon Heather-the-glorified-fiddle-player, and Millie Ann felt she might be ill. Fortunately, the reverend had transitioned into his weekly sermon, and his gentle monotone filled her ears as her imaginary sickness mercifully subsided.

“Brothers and sisters, hear with me now, the words of the prophet, Isaiah. There shall come forth a shoot from the stump of Jesse, and a branch from his roots shall bear fruit. And the Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge...”

Millie Ann knew she should be focusing exclusively on the sermon, but her mind was given to wandering, and she drifted back to that unthinkable, fateful day three years ago. “Delicious! Heather, dear, where have you been all these years? These cookies are heaven-sent! What? They’re gluten free? You mean my Uncle Frank can have these? And lactose free as well? Oh, thank goodness. They’re what? Veee-gann? Oh, Heather, they’re so healthy and so scrumptious!”

And then, the dreaded moment. The source of all of Millie Ann’s present misery. “She’s only been with us a few short months, but hands-down, our winner this year is Heather Goodwin! Let’s give her a round of applause.” Uggh. No milk, flour, butter, or eggs. That’s not how cookies are made.

Of course, it was only a one-time fluke. Once the novelty of this youthful, radiant newcomer and her new-fangled, healthy ways wore off, Millie Ann would be back on top where she belonged. But, during that subsequent year, when the blue ribbon was once again deviously torn from her, Millie Ann was apoplectic. What was even worse was, day-by-day that conniving little wife-of-anorthodontist was exerting undue influence in Millie Ann’s established circle. “Heather, how should I baste my Thanksgiving turkey? Heather, should I serve ham or lamb chops this Easter? Heather, who can you recommend for children’s piano lessons?” How revulsive.

When there was no blue ribbon triumphantly mounted in her curio for a third straight year, Millie Ann could take no more. The seventeen blue ribbons previously accrued seemed lonely and pathetic, and she knew something had to change. Another cookie exchange was upon them, and the time for action was now.

But what could she do? Perhaps she should throw in the towel and become a Lutheran? No, that would be ridiculous. Besides, some of those Scandinavian Lutheran women were quite devoted to their craft, and there could be no guarantee of subsequent cookie triumph. If they were patient enough to make Lutefisk, then there was no telling what kind of dessert concoctions those women were capable of.

Could she send Heather out of town, somehow? How could she possibly do that? Could she fabricate a fake contest and notify the Goodwins of their good fortune? Perhaps an all-expense paid trip to the big city? No, this was more lunacy. Besides, Dr. Goodwin-the-orthodontist wouldn’t close up shop on a weekday. Think, Millie Ann, think! There had to be a way!

Reverend Morrison seemed to be just getting warmed up, and Millie Ann leaned back to make herself comfortable. It would be a long sermon. She peered at Herbert, who stared glassily into the distance, nodding mechanically. She focused once again on the sermon, and as she ruminated carefully on the true meaning of the holiday season, she had an epiphany.

Sabotage.

Yes. That would be the best way, perhaps the only way. But how? Once Heather’s cookies arrived at the church, they would be zealously guarded like a Vatican treasure in order to ward away the probing hands of misbehaved urchins and gluttonous husbands. If Millie Ann hoped to successfully execute her mission, she would have to surreptitiously infiltrate the Goodwin McMansion.

Millie Ann had read a Tom Clancy novel eleven years ago, so she knew she was quite knowledgeable about special operations and covert sabotage. She knew she would first need a joint staff, or a team of experts spanning the entire spectrum of military planning. First, she knew she would need a “J1” in order to manage all the human resources that would be associated with the operation. She could do that herself, since no one seemed more attuned to the personal information of the congregation than she.

Additionally, she would need a “J2” representative to manage the intelligence associated with this venture. Clearly, she was more intelligent than Herbert, or her neighbor Gladys and her ne’er-dowell husband, so once again, she was the obvious choice. Besides, the operation would require careful reconnaissance of the Goodwin McMansion, and Herbert couldn’t be trusted not to lose the binoculars.

“J3” was the real meat and potatoes. Operations. Clearly, she would be the one conducting the operation, sabotaging Heather’s cookie offering with salt, garlic, and onion powder. So, it would appear she would single-handedly be the J1, J2 and J3, which so far, added up to a very impressive sounding “J6.”

“J4” was logistics, which as she well knew, was a fancy word for stuff. Her grandfather was a supply sergeant in the Great War, and little did he know one day his line of work would be logistics. 4 La-de-da. She knew she couldn’t do everything herself, so hopefully she could put Herbert in charge of the logistics.

She suspected the ideal time for the operation would be early in the morning, when her nemesis would be off on her five, ten, or fifty-mile run (or some other crazy thing). She would need a disguise, and she seemed to remember Herbert had a Santa suit tucked away somewhere from his days with the Rotarians (the logistics). She hoped there was nothing sinful about her imminent cross-dressing, but after all, this was a mission in support of the church.

She would also need a rope of some fashion, because if the front door was locked, she would be compelled to go down the chimney in accordance with her undercover identity. If discovered, she would have to concoct a story about why Santa was visiting the Goodwin house in broad daylight several days before Christmas, but she could delegate that to her J2 intelligence directorate.

Millie Ann became so fixated on her diabolical subterfuge that her situational awareness had quickly melted away. There now seemed to be a commotion of some kind, and as she stirred, she noticed the congregation rising to leave. Even worse, Herbert was sound asleep and snoring. How embarrassing. Of course, she hadn’t been sleeping. Or dreaming. Had she?

Little four-year-old Vanessa was adorable in her mother’s arms as the Goodwins made their way out of the pews. Millie Ann could overhear their discreet whispering. “Mommy, the old people were sleeping in church!”

“Shh. Be polite, darling.”

“I’ll bet they were having wonderful dreams, Mommy! I’ll bet they were dreaming of Christmas presents, and Santa Claus, and yummy Christmas cookies!”

“I’m sure they were, darling. It really is a magical season.”

[jasonjnielsen]

2016 End of Year Movie Review

A note regarding this review of 2016 I have not seen the following movies: 20th Century Women Elle Florence Foster Jenkins Into the Forest Kubo and the Two Strings Loving Miss Sloan Sing Street Swiss Army Man

2016 was an interesting year of ups and downs. The number of really bad movies seems down from previous years, but so does the number of really good movies.

Looking at the downside first, look no further than the typical powerhouse players, George Clooney and Ben Affleck. Both had a disappointing year, despite movies that looked promising. Clooney’s movies had the right players, but they fell short of expectations. The Coen Brothers comedy Hail, Caesar! had funny moments but it also had too many inside jokes to get over, and despite the great chemistry of Clooney and Julia Roberts, Money Monster felt too preachy instead of focusing on being a good suspense thriller. As for Affleck, his role in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice will be remembered as the fourth(?) best Batman. The Accountant will probably not be remembered at all, as it is even more generic action than Jack Reacher. And let’s hope for Affleck’s sake, everyone forgets Live By Night. I was wondering why the trailers said “from the director of The Town”; after watching the movie, I understood. As bad as Clooney and Affleck’s movies were, they looked like Casablanca compared to the shit-fest that was Passengers. Seriously, fuck that movie.

As for the good, Felicity Jones. This was an awesome year for her. She played the awesome, bad ass lead of the new Star Wars supplementary film. She was also Mum in the beautiful, tear jerker, A Monster Calls. She showed massive range this year by going full-blown warrior to loving (yet also dying) single mother. I’m glad she’s getting to show off how good she really is. This year was also a great year for diversity. Fences, Hidden Figures, Lion, and Moonlight all showed the struggles of lives of non-straight-white-male people. As a mathematician, I especially love Hidden Figures because it is an inspiration to everyone who wants to go into a STEM field. I wish more movies would be made to showcase people of all races and genders in STEM fields because we truly do need the best of everyone to make this world great. Movies like Hidden Figures show how important our work truly is. For those who don’t like diversity, don’t worry, we also got the wonderful La La Land for us white, white people, which has, without a doubt, the best opening sequence of all time. Also, for the most part, horror movies really stepped it up this year. With the exception of Blair Witch, horror showed how good it could be in The Neon Demon, Don’t Breathe, Nocturnal Animals, 10 Cloverfield Lane, The Conjuring 2, and Green Room. Finally, I want to shout out to Denis Villeneuve, director of Arrival. He paired with Jóhann Jóhannsson to do the score for his best picture nominated film and struck gold again (they worked together in 2015′s intense thriller, Sicario).

Now, here is my list of best and worst of 2016.

WORST OF 2016 1. Blair Witch 2. The Choice 3. Passengers 4. Live By Night

Passengers looked like it should have been the best movie of all time. Two of my favorite actors, both of whom have amazing charisma and on-screen presence, Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Pratt, end up having no chemistry together. Combine that with an awful story and Passengers is one of the biggest film disappointments in history. Seriously, how hard was it to make The Shining plus Sunshine? Martin Sheen tried his best to give me the twisted movie I so wanted. Instead, the movie ended up being a snore-fest with questionable moral values.

DISHONORARY MENTION: Dirty Grandpa, The Girl on the Train, Independence Day: Resurgence, Money Monster, Morgan, and Nerve

**MY AWARDS**

Well… It’s a Movie… (The Movies I Expected to Be Terrible but Surprisingly Were Not) 10 Cloverfield Lane Don’t Breathe The Neon Demon

At Least It’s Better Than a Poke in the Eye With a Dull Stick… Maybe (The Movies with High Expectations that Fall Well Short) The Accountant Collateral Beauty Finding Dory The Girl on the Train Hail, Caesar! Live By Night Money Monster Morgan Passengers Sully

Best Original Score Mica Levi (Jackie) Jóhann Jóhannsson (Arrival) Nicholas Britell (Moonlight) Cliff Martinez (The Neon Demon) Dustin O'Halloran & Hauschka (Lion)

Best Original Song “How Far I’ll Go” -Lin-Manuel Miranda (Moana) “City of Stars” -Justin Hurwitz (La La Land) “Try Everything” -Shakira (Zootopia) “Audition (The Fools Who Dream)” -Justin Hurwitz (La La Land) 

Best Cinematography James Laxton (Moonlight) Linus Sandgren (La La Land) Seamus McGarvey (Nocturnal Animals) Natasha Braier (The Neon Demon) Stéphane Fontaine (Jackie) Jody Lee Lipes (Manchester by the Sea) Greig Fraser (Lion)

Best Directing Barry Jenkins (Moonlight) Kenneth Lonergan (Manchester by the Sea) J.A. Bayona (A Monster Calls) Denis Villeneuve (Arrival) Mel Gibson (Hacksaw Ridge) Tom Ford (Nocturnal Animals) Tim Miller (Deadpool) Nicolas Winding Refn (The Neon Demon)

Best Supporting Actress Octavia Spencer (Hidden Figures) Viola Davis (Fences) Naomie Harris (Moonlight) Felicity Jones (A Monster Calls) Tilda Swinton (Hail, Caesar!) Nicole Kidman (Lion) Michelle Williams (Manchester by the Sea)

Best Supporting Actor Mahershala Ali (Moonlight) Dev Patel (Lion) Michael Shannon (Nocturnal Animals) Zachary Quinto (Snowden) Jovan Adepo (Fences) Kevin Costner (Hidden Figures) Aaron Paul (Eye in the Sky) Jeremy Renner (Arrival) Aaron Eckhart (Sully) Martin Sheen (Passengers)

Best Lead Actress Natalie Portman (Jackie) Emma Stone (La La Land) Amy Adams (Arrival) Felicity Jones (Rogue One: A Star Wars Story) Hailee Steinfeld (Edge of Seventeen) Taraji P. Henson (Hidden Figures)

Best Lead Actor Ryan Gosling (La La Land) Casey Affleck (Manchester by the Sea) Denzel Washington (Fences) Chris Pine (Hell or High Water) Lewis MacDougall (A Monster Calls) Brad Pitt (Allied)

Best Ensemble Cast Hidden Figures A Monster Calls La La Land Hell or High Water Captain America: Civil War

Top 10 of 2016 0. Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens * 1. A Monster Calls 2. Manchester by the Sea 3. Moana 4. Moonlight 5. The Neon Demon 6. Zootopia 7. La La Land 8. Hidden Figures 9. Lion 10. Arrival

Additional Great Movies of 2016 11. Deadpool 12. Don’t Breathe 13. Jackie 14. Hell or High Water 15. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story 16. Nocturnal Animals 17. Fences 18. Kung Fu Panda 3 19. Captain America: Civil War 20. Edge of Seventeen 21. Allied 22. Dr. Strange 23. Eye in the Sky 24. Pee Wee’s Big Holiday

Overall ratings: 10/10 Manchester by the Sea Moana A Monster Calls Moonlight The Neon Demon Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens 9/10 Arrival Deadpool Don't Breathe Hidden Figures La La Land Lion Zootopia 8/10 Allied Captain America: Civil War Doctor Strange Edge of Seventeen Eye in the Sky Fences Hell or High Water Jackie Kung Fu Panda 3 Nocturnal Animals Pee Wee's Big Holiday Rogue One: A Star Wars Story 7/10 10 Cloverfield Lane Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Central Intelligence The Conjuring 2 Green Room Hacksaw Ridge Jack Reacher: Never Go Back The Jungle Book The Magnificent Seven Office Christmas Party Snowden Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows The Witch X-Men: Apocalypse 6/10 The Accountant Bad Moms Bad Santa 2 Collateral Beauty Finding Dory Ghostbusters Hail, Caesar! Lights Out The Lobster Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising The Secret Life of Pets Sing Suicide Squad Sully 5/10 Dirty Grandpa The Girl on the Train Independence Day: Resurgence Money Monster Morgan Nerve 4/10 Live By Night Passengers 3/10 Blair Witch The Choice

That’s it for this year!

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*Like Sharknado and Sharknado 2: The Second One, this is the best goddamn movie of all time.