#it’s this…prolly to everyone else and with Good Reason this weird yoyo effect
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I’m just going to work on accepting that what I do want romantically IS a Friendship and Life Partnership and Marriage in every way that matters.
I’m just asexual.
And I’ve always been transparent about it.
#tiger’s roar#i love him. i don’t have to question that he likes me too.#and…I’m done trying to pavlov’s dog or gaslighting myself about things I don’t want For The Future TM#i love him because of who he is (that I get to see. that i see evidence of. knowing that there’s More he isn’t letting me see)#i love him because he both prolly accidentally became the catalyst to rediscover myself again and grow#but also because he stubbornly insists on that.#despite the distance he still holds me at ‘cause of his own issues and needing my reassurance that I can Stay Here until he changes it#he’ll close the distance I feel I have to take to keep us both safe. or because I’m afraid then owning up to that#it’s this…prolly to everyone else and with Good Reason this weird yoyo effect#or…two binary stars in a pushpull that’ll eventually collide and merge#I think we’re both afraid but gradually accepting that tbh#but…realizing the sort of relationship I want is…basically a marriage without Hiarchal Heteronormative Patriarchal Bullshit#that makes me feel so so trapped just want to flee would rather be alone#I…for once…don’t feel so…trapped. that I’ll wake up with regret and feel boxed into a barbie box and trapped in a silent scream without air#that instead…life feels actually manageable. I can draw strength from myself. and rest from him.
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