#it's that whole “post for yourself but also external validation is nice” thing

[dungeonsandblorbos]

asjkfh i hate time zones

it's about *checks watch* a month late for my birthday but that art post i promised myself and y'all i'd post for my birthday is in fact ready now

and not just freshly ready today either. like, i've literally been sitting on that bugger for three or four days now, waiting for a good time to post it. and by waiting i mean regularly peeping at my moots' and followers' blogs like are they active? will anyone see this if i post now? or will it get lost and thus not get any interaction and then my stupid mentally ill/recovering perfectionist brain will get unreasonably sad and spiral-y about it? ughghghgh

. . .

anyway here's another no context preview, this time a poorly cropped close-up on some barding (horse armor) that i'm real proud of

also lmk if you would like me to tag you in my upcoming art dump post/all future art dumps to help compensate for the time zone thing

[daz4i]

Honestly I'm with you that it is pretty hard not to get jealous whenever a fic gets suuuuper popular like that. Like when they write a fic, they get an entire fan base and waves upon waves of fanart; when I write a fic I get like three single sentence comments and one person listing every single thing wrong with it.

I know they don't decide to have that happen but like... What am I doing wrong? I'm trying my absolute best, I'm rereading and rewriting like ten times to make sure it's as perfect as it could possibly be, but no matter what I try, nothing works. Meanwhile they're like "yeah sorry wasn't feeling too well lately so this chapters not as good" and they get hundreds of comments, playlists for the their fic and a whole gallery worth of fan art.

Maybe I'm just bitter but it really does just crush your motivation and self esteem after a while.

this is an understandable reaction tbh 😔

for what it's worth, i don't think you're doing anything wrong. i can't say for sure bc none of my fics ever reached wild popularity or smth but i assume in their case it's a combination of

popular ship in an already popular fandom (also, gen usually doesn't catch on unless you're VERY lucky)

existing following. i noticed a lot of popular fic writers usually have a bunch of followers from stuff like art already

luck. ofc

common tropes. easily digestible stuff that is kind of familiar

length and consistent long term updates usually help (like, spreading it out as multiple updates keeps you at the top of tags when ppl click them)

this isn't for all of them. but like. one thing i noticed. and i mean this nicely. is smth i wanna call wattpad-style writing? kind of an underlying edgy vibe like more swears and ppl reacting to things in kind of extreme ways at times. every most-popular-fic-in-the-fandom i read fit that description, so. (i assume it's bc a big part of any fandom is teenagers, and this, well, fits a teen mindset)

if you don't wanna fall into common tropes and stick only to popular ships, it's better to stick to writing for fun, as hard as it is sometimes with no external validation 😔

i see why this would be very discouraging. i think ik who you are off-anon, and if I'm right then i saw comments you got on fics before, and yeah i would definitely get discouraged by these too

i think if you don't gain any joy from writing, it may be good to find an additional hobby, or try a different type of writing for now maybe :? (like if fics aren't working, try original work. or dabble in poetry. or switch up the genres etc. doesn't even have to be a long term thing, just to scratch the creative itch for now, and maybe get inspired to write what you're used to again)

i imagine you're probably tired of hearing that you should write for you and don't have to post it. bc i get wanting to get validation. so instead I'll tell you this is an extremely valid feeling, including the jealousy part. this is a very normal reaction honestly, and i could never blame you for having it

i will say tho! you should channel that feeling somewhere. not for others, but for your own sake. don't let bitterness eat at you or you'll always be miserable, and you deserve better than that :(

finding a new hobby can help with self-esteem (like, for example, baking smth and enjoying how it tastes, and feeling proud of yourself for making smth that tastes good) and is a good way to let out creative energy! it will take time, but maybe slowly you'll be able to lay out building blocks that will eventually make you feel confident enough in your own creation to not need external validation :0!

(ofc, you don't have to listen to any of this. please make sure to go at your own pace as well! either way i hope things turn out well for you, and i thank you for sharing your honest feelings with me!!)

[wack-ashimself]

Fanatics are fantastic (at ignoring reality)

Describe yourself.

But, don't use your job, family, relationships, movies, sports, tv, music, religion, nationality, sexuality, race, politics, sex, books, art, etc be ANY of the ways you do so. It's got to be who you are at your core, without using things around you to do so (cuz if all you are came from the things you like, you're also ignoring the parts of you that came from things you hate.)

Who are you?

What are you?

I'm wack. Have been since....8th grade?

Originally stood for 'weird and crazy ken.'

Turns out, tho, weird has a bad connotation. So I went with wild (tho in my head, it's always been weird.)

I have always liked making people happy. Since I can remember. Earliest memory. I loved seeing people smile.

However, I learned at a young age doing the right thing, saying the right thing, and being willing to do whatever you can do to make people happy can work, but not permanently.

Cuz the world fucking sucks.

ALWAYS ALWAYS has. Anyone who says otherwise either had it fun/easy, or is in that category of denial of 'you can find happiness in every day moments' (while their taxes murder babies. Usually religious idiots.)

So...I had to figure out a way to make everyone, everywhere, happy, LONG run (so if it means they are unhappy short run to get there, so be it.)

And the only way to do that is with the truth. Not MY truth. THE truth. The undeniable, all encompassing truth.

Which is insanely fucking difficult. Cuz the truth is hidden by the richest most influential people on the planet with propaganda machines that run 25/8. They stay in power from 1/2 truths & lies exclusively.

So even if you find the truth, proving it is a WHOLE other matter (they now have access to AI that can fabricate ANY document, audio OR video. They can frame anyone for anything.)

And I'm still trying to figure that out. All I know is being the GOOD guy is not being the NICE guy. It means doing whatever is right, even if you're hated for it.

Like, I once called out a close relative, at a family function, in the middle of the event, cuz they said something anti muslim without ANY FOUNDATION. Literally, none. They retracted it, I got ANGRY looks and stares (told 'I didn't have to go there'), BUT I WAS RIGHT MOTHER FUCKERS: they were spreading ignorant hate for no reason besides that's what they believed, without fact. Fuck, I even remember saying 'when was the last time you even had interaction with anyone of that background?' which is what shut them up.

SO yeah, I will make enemies of even my closest loved ones to find the truth and let it be known.

Are you?

Do you even know if you are even capable?

I know I am.

Because I know who I am without external validation. or 'likes'.

(as I am waiting to see how popular this post gets ;) If only to see if the truth spreads lmao I'm such a tool sometimes...but funny most times.)

[zkfanworkweek]

ZFAW Fan Content Creator Interviews: HayleyNFoster

Hey everyone! We hope you’re all excited for ZFAW, and to honor (ha!) ZFAW’s commitment to supporting and celebrating fan content creators in the Zutara fandom, we’re going to be rolling out a series of interviews with well-known and widely-beloved content creators over the next few weeks. We’ve got artists and fanfiction authors, some names you recognize as well as a few phenomenal up-and-coming talents, and we can’t wait for you to meet them all!

For the second interview in this cycle, we have our best propaganda creator and this fandom’s hottest new artist/undisputed queen of the animatic, @hayleynfoster!

1. Tell us about how you came to ship Zutara. What does this ship mean to you?

When I was around 14 or 15 and caught Avatar: The Last Airbender on television, I was drawn in by the art style, the humor, and the wonderful characters. I caught the episodes out of order, and the first one I saw and wasn’t prepared to be sucked in by was The Waterbending Scroll. It intrigued me at that age, and the line “I’ll save you from the pirates” combined with the tension between Katara and Zuko in that whole scene was electrifying. I remember my teenage self thinking these two have so much chemistry! And when I saw a commercial on Nickelodeon that featured fanart submitted by fellow Avatar fans, I realized that I could do that to! So I set about making Zutara fanart for myself. I stumbled onto Youtube, practically in its infancy, and discovered that people set clips of Zuko and Katara set to music (And this was still in season 1 days… so people who made these amvs were the real mvps because they were able to make compelling narratives in their amvs with like practically nothing to work with!). The AMVs really spurred my interest in this couple, I remember distinctly one Zutara AMV using the Dido song White Flag utterly capturing my imagination. I found fandom shortly after, getting into deviantart and forums. But the ship really began to mean something to me when, as I was working on my drawings in the computer lab at school, a buoyant presence hovered over my shoulder noticing my Zutara art on the computer screen. The girl was someone I had never really talked to and had only seen from afar but she immediately started excitedly saying she shipped Zuko and Katara too! In this simple shared obsession, I made one of the best friends I’ve ever had and we’re still friends to this day. We would theorize and fangirl over Avatar like it was nobody’s business; we poured over bootleg San Diego Comic Con footage that showed spoilers for season 2 before it aired; we lost our freaking minds when we finally saw The Crossroads of Destiny. We had watch parties every week as Season 3 of A:TLA aired, and comforted each other when the show ended as it did (much ranting was shared). Those are some of my happiest memories from high school… all because this one pairing from this wonderful show. Even though Zutara didn’t happen, we still chat every now and then about it. Zutara will probably be a lifelong obsession, always bubbling under the surface. And without it, I would have never realized that animation was a viable career path. It really did inspire everything including the work I’m doing to this day in the animation industry. I owe a lot to this ship and to Avatar: the Last Airbender.

2. What inspires you to create zutara fanworks?

The resurgence of Avatar: The Last Airbender this year really helped sort of spark that dormant love I had for Zutara. The show’s ending still disappointed me on the rewatch, but Zuko and Katara’s relationship arc was as captivating as ever, so I turned to some fanfiction and looking at people’s pretty Zutara art and AMVs to just revel in fanon instead of getting to hung up on the actual ending of the show. But then I realized, with quarantine and my work load being pretty light, I had time to actually make all new Zutara art for myself, art I was never fully capable of making as a kid, but now could do with my 7 years of industry experience and just… life experience. And I was inspired to do some corrective animatics to satisfy my own desire for a different ending. I just really like exploring these two characters, doing different and interesting things with them, and frankly I’m inspired to make cute, fluffy, romantic art simply by virtue of living in a really sad and depressing world. Things are so crazy right now, creating art about two characters I love being in love, is comforting. And it helps to have inspiring music and amazing Zutara amvs to just sort of stir up my emotions and imagery in my head to make into animatics and art.

3. Be selfish - if you could request one fanwork based on your own art/fanfic, what would it be? What would you absolutely love to see someone create?

Ohhhh… Well, It’s always nice to have people write fanfiction that puts words to my animatics. I am not that great at coming up with dialog myself, so I’ve just chosen to indulge in visuals and emotions for my boards. But when I read things like RideBoldlyRide’s take on my Reunion Animatic, it makes me pretty giddy. (They finally have voices!) :) And this is the MOST selfish thing I could request, but I’m not shy about saying how much I love well done amvs, so I will literally kill for someone to make Zutara AMVs to songs I like… Like, most of AURORA’s songs but especially Exist for Love, Sunseeker by The Naked and Famous, Promises or Take Me by Aly & AJ, Adore You by Harry Styles, Human Enough by ONR, Never Let Me Go by Florence + The Machine, and/or Almost (Sweet Music) by Hozier just… I can see the AMVs so clearly to any of these songs in my head, but I don’t have the tools or skill set at my disposal to make a compelling fan video. When I was in high school, I originally thought I wanted to go into video editing simply because I loved making very crappy AMVs (they were so bad you guys), but I figured out being a storyboard artist was more in my wheelhouse. haha

4. Any words for people who are new to the fandom and/or nervous about sharing their work for the first time?

If you’re new to the Zutara fandom, just have a good time! Don’t waste too much time arguing with people over your shipping preferences. I wasted so much of my teen years having pointless shipping wars with people on DeviantArt, and I’m just so much happier nowadays because I’m just making Zutara art in my little corner of the internet, and honestly, in the politest of ways, I don’t give a shit if people don’t like my art or Zutara. haha I think that’s sort of a key thing for people thinking of posting creative works here in the fandom, just make art for yourself, satisfy your own desires for the pairing, get your creative sparks flying, and create just for the joy of creating. It’s always nice to get comments and such, but simply making the art should be what spurs you on, not the external validation. And have a good time, don’t worry too much - I say as someone who worries about EVERYTHING. But honestly, making art for A:TLA is some of the most relaxed I’ve been because I make it just for me. I’m lucky others seem to like it too!

5. What’s an idea for a fanwork that you have but haven't gotten around to making?

I have an idea for a second generation storyline with my Zutara kids that involves Kya (the eldest firebending daughter) falling in love with an airbender boy (tentatively named Gora in my headcanon who’s a bit of a rabble rouser and one of Aang’s kids he had with a Kyoshi Warrior), and then they start a socialist revolution in the Fire Nation in order to dismantle all of the hierarchical societies across the Avatar world… Together Kya and Gora Fan the Flames of revolution… ehhhhh... Get it?? Oh! Oh, and then Katara, who had put in legit liberal reforms in her time as Fire Lady listens to her daughter after resisting in the first part of the story, but then realizes she can actually play a part in the dissolution of the royalty and is also active in the revolution realizing that moderate liberal reforms are no substitute for a society free of serving royalty (which she had always been uncomfortable with but had rationalized with herself that she was doing good in her capacity as Fire Lady.) I just feel like there’s a lot of cool potential for discussing these ideas and also having some aspirational change in the Avatar world. lol For aesthetics and just happy fluffy times, I can indulge in Fire Lady and Fire Lord Zuko stuff, but really at the end of the day, I take issue with the structures in a society that have to exist for monarchies to exist. Soooo, I kind of want to do my own corrective story for that… if I ever have the time or guts. On a less ambitious note, I would love to do a Zutara sparring animatic to practice doing action, but I need a good story; I am not good at doing fights just for fighting’s sake. Those are just some things I have rattling around in my head.  

6. Are you participating in ZFAW? If so want to give us a hint as to your plans?

Yes! The most I can say is I have one animatic almost finished and one that’s still being thumbnailed. The rest are probably going to be comics or emotive single pieces based on the fanfics I really like right now. :)

[nanikoreeeh]

about mental health & writing motivation

tw— mentions of depression; anxiety; ocd

long post ahead

it’s been so long since i was last here that i feel strange typing this. this in no way a very articulated post, or at least i don’t think it will be since i’m writing this at 6:09 am after not having slept during the whole night so if you decide to read, thank you.

as you’ve noticed i’ve been absent for a while (or maybe you haven’t, cause this is tumblr and most people come here to log off from real life and have a good time which i also used to do until logging in felt like a chore hence why i’m making this post). anyways, i’ve been absent from tumblr cause i really wasn’t enjoy it anymore.

i discovered tumblr like six years ago, and just realizing that feels so surreal cause for me it’s been like a mere short breath. i was in a not so good headspace and tumblr gave me a save space to connect to people and content that i really wanted to see. fandoms and that sort of stuff. at the time i was so amazed at the freedom the people on this app seemed to have that i just loved it.

i’ve been writing since i was 6 years old and i’ve been writing for my favorite fandoms since i’m 12 so for me joining the x reader, imagines & headcanons side of tumblr was a very natural step. i begun writing for haikyuu in an old blog that it’s not active anymore and it was so much fun. i felt creative, i felt inspired and i felt happy. i had been dealing with depression for several years prior to that so the buzz of serotonin i got from writing and from people actually reading what i posted was amazing.

if you’d experienced depression you know that external stimulus doesn’t lasts for too long. it’s not that the things you enjoy aren’t fun, or good anymore, more like your brain just isn’t properly balanced so no amount of external factors can actually make it not be depressed. so the buzzed faded, so i tried to hold onto it by forcing me to write more and more. which didn’t work of course. eventually i simply stopped doing it.

until i opened this new account.

i told myself that i would take things easy this time, that i wouldn’t pressure myself to write this time, that i wouldn’t compare myself to others writers, that i would do my own thing and just, enjoy it. but then i didn’t, i couldn’t. my mind is working 24/7 but my levels of motivation aren’t even close to catch up to that since well, my depression keeps me for having too much energy when it’s at its worst.

and my depression on top of my anxiety, and my ocd have been at its worst for nearly 3 years now. so whenever i got a new idea, i begun a draft and then i couldn’t come back to work on it.

i try of course, i open my drafts regularly but, as i’m unable to work on them i just grow guilty of not being able to write.

i know i’m far from being a huge, popular blog, but opening this blog i fell once again into a trap of my own making: pressuring myself to write because i have to, well, because i feel that i have to. that if i can stick up to a schedule and just get it done i will be able to overcome my slump.

and i’ve just recently realized that, that isn’t possible. cause i’ve turned one of my biggest sources of happiness into a chore, an obligation, a lifesaver to magically cure me from my clinical depression. making me completely unable to write without feeling like i’m fighting against myself to win a prize that in the end doesn’t give me satisfaction.

long story short, i made myself hate writing. and i’m done with that.

i wanna write from a place of happiness again. i don’t wanna feel like i’m letting anyone down if i don’t post, or if i don’t finish a draft. or if i can’t write as beautifully as i would like. since i’m not a native english speaker sometimes it’s hard to not compare myself to other writers and feel frustrated cause i just know that if i were writing in my native language i could do so much more.

to begin closing this post that it’s definitely getting more than long:

this is a new beginning.

i don’t plan to stop writing, but i’m just gonna let myself go at my own pace. i’ve been dying for kinktober to begin and i’ve wanted to participate on it for years so i’m gonna focus on that for the time being.

meaningless effort is on hiatus until further notice which was something i was so afraid to admit cause i just didn’t wanna let anybody down. i but i hope you can’t understand and will be there to support it if/when i come back to it.

i guess this is a post more for myself than for anyone who is reading this, [but if you are, i wanna thank you for all your support]

the lack of feedback of course is also an important factor on my lack of motivation, but that’s a topic other authors have addressed far more eloquently that i could on this post. a,so, feeling my writing as chore i was in o place to ask for more comments or interactions like reblogs cause it just made me feel guilty in the past.

i guess if i had to sum it up i’d say it’s far more important that you are happy with your writing before trying to please anyone else. you shouldn’t try to prove yourself to anyone else, even if that someone is you. and if you’re not happy anymore doing something [try to see if you can reconcile with it, and if you can’t that’s valid] whatever you do, do it from your heart, do it for yourself and whatever comes next will be okay.

tldr— new beginnings, mental health ruined writing for me but i’m starting again, kinktober is my main focus & i will write to make myself happy, stay tuned if you’d like :)

thank you for reading all the way trough if you do, i sincerely hope life is nice to you & i’m sending you good vibes.

love you all 🤍🤍🤍

— sun

[otomeramblings]

My thoughts on Act 2, Episode 5

Yes, I’m incredibly late to the party. It took me longer than I thought to finally be able to finish reading Ep 5 BUT here it is! I’m gonna try to summarize my initial reactions and how I feel about the main plot points here both for myself and for anyone that wants to read them.

Long post under the cut!

One small thing I want to mention before delving into the big stuff: seeing all the boys starting new stages in their lives was honestly super heartwarming; they’ve grown so much both as individuals and together as a company (and as friends), and it was a delight to see it. As a fan of small details, I loved to see that the conversation Banri and Yuki had in “Into the Night!” (about him taking acting seriously and maybe going to college to bring back the knowledge to the company) was reflected in his choice of going to Veludo Arts University.

But anyway! There’s 3 main things I want to talk about in regards to this episode:

First up is Masumi’s arc:

Hooooo boy, I hadn’t been this angry about a fictional parent since we learned about Misumi’s family. I think the main thing that irked me a lot about his dad was how little regard he seemed to have for his son as an actual human being. Especially because of how hypocritical it sounded when his secretary said stuff like "Mr Usui is concerned about you living without a parental figure for so long" because we all know that Masumi has been living basically on his own for a long time and the excuse of "Masumi has only been living in Japan this long due to his parent's desire to keep his environment as stable as possible while they were married" felt super empty because yeah, right, coming back to an empty home every day is the healthiest way to raise a child, it surely can’t affect his well-being and his sense of worth in any way.

Masumi saying "I thought it might make them happy if i got good grades or did well in sports, so I tried my best, but...nothing ever changed"  and the story about him begging his parents to come to the show and tell and his dad's response was just "Listen to your parents, that's all we want from you" was so heartbreaking. It made me incredibly angry but it also helped me understand Masumi as a character a lot more; no wonder he has attachment issues (which are mainly centred around Izumi/the MC) and his constant need for validation, he just wants people to be there for him and be proud of his accomplishments. He just wants a family but his parents were just too busy to even give a crap. 

Also, in relation to Izumi: I think he still needs to learn that the obsession he has with her is not healthy (and hopefully one day he can grow out of it) but it's clear that he doesn't do it to purposely make her uncomfortable; he's misguided and he doesn't know how to deal and express the affection he feels towards one of the people that genuinely cares about him. Also I'm not saying that he doesn't have a crush on her, I think he does but he behaves this way because he never learned how to express his feelings in a healthy way and he's probably scared someone "could take her away" at any moment because boy hasn't he had to deal with people going again a lot already.

About Masumi’s grandma: love her, she’s a darling and she clearly cares for her grandson’s well being. One thing she mentions is that her son changed when his company found success, and like, I get that he needs to put time and effort to keep his company afloat but like. not even considering what your son wants and feels? Maybe talking to him every once in a while? Being busy it's not an excuse; your son shouldn't have to wonder if his parents love him. But this also ties to the end of Masumi’s arc when his father finally lets him stay in Japan: I'm glad that Masumi's father apologised and realised the error of his ways, it doesn't undo the years of loneliness Masumi had to endure because of it, but it's a start.

Final thoughts on Masumi’s arc: 10/10 would read it again for the feels. I really loved the depth they gave him and how they made him realise that Mankai (not just Izumi) are important to him because they’re his precious family and he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. One little moment after that warmed my heart was when Izumi tells Masumi that she's glad that he's been taking care of Tsuzuru while he's busy writing and he answers with "I mean, he is...family",,,,,,,,,,,I’m not crying, you’re crying. I hope we can get more moments with him in the future that are centred around his personality, his likes and dislikes, and his relationships with the other boys.

In second place, Chikage’s introduction and arc.

Let's see. I knew coming in that Chikage was a controversial character within the fandom and I knew the main reason why because of spoilers, but I didn’t know all the details. Also, something you should know about me is that I found morally grey characters interesting, so that made it so I went into this with an open mind.

Overall, I liked the episode and I ended up linking Chikage as a character well enough. But I’m not gonna lie and say that everything was perfect. The biggest issue I had with his arc was the way they handled his relationship with Izumi/the MC, especially in regards to the kidnapping. I’m usually pretty good at putting a dividing line between fiction and real life, which is what allows me to enjoy villains and morally grey characters; but as a woman who grew up with my mom saying “never leave your drink/food unattended”, seeing it done here and then having it go unpunished really left a bad taste in my mouth; because every girl grows up hearing this (and i know this is a problem that affects all genders) and it’s horrible because it has happened to so many people. So my biggest gripe about this part of his arc is the consequences, or more so the lack of them.

The only things that made it a bit more acceptable *for me* were three things:

This line from Izumi: "What Chikage's done is unforgivable. But I can't just ignore August's dying wish and Hisoka's thoughts on the matter." I have some mixed feelings about it but It just aligns with Izumi’s personality; she’s always been portrayed as incredibly selfless and giving, someone who’s ridiculously kind (to a fault) and who always tries to see the best in people and puts others before herself (and also because ~plot~ demands it, but that’s a thing with a lot of media these days) Do I wish she had been angry and wary towards Chikage after having been drugged and kidnapped? Yes, I do, it would have been nice to have a portion of the story dedicated to Chikage having to earn her trust back because what he did really was not okay.

Sakuya’s conversation with Chikage when he tries to leave after opening night and in particular these two lines from Sakuya: "This isn't about the play....for some reason, I get the feeling we shouldn't leave you alone right now" [...] "You're different now. I can tell you're broken and hurting. I feel like you've lost your way." Regardless of personal feelings, I think Chikage showed that he really was shaken by the weight of his own actions after he found out the truth. He knows that what he did was wrong and that’s why his emotions and all his guilt were crushing him all at once. He was driven by revenge and anger for so long that once he learned and accepted the truth, he completely lost himself. And seeing him have to deal with all of that made me really glad, because even if he’s not gonna have to deal with external consequences (aka having to deal with the rest of the company’s distrust, even though I wish he did), he still had to find a way to not only forgive himself but also to atone in his own way for what he did (aka putting down his walls, fulfilling his promises and making it his mission to protect everyone at mankai from the organisation) 

Now, as I’ve been saying, I really wish Chikage had been able to tell the others the whole story about what he did and why he did it but…..we didn’t get that. What I am glad about, though, is that at least he told them that he took her away on purpose (even if he didn’t tell them how or why); also both he and Hisoka pointed out that anyone who knows the full truth about their lives could be in serious danger and that having Izumi know was already risky enough. And yes, that is indeed very plot convenient but it’s the bare minimum and I’m willing to give it a pass this time.

tl;dr I think Chikage is an interesting character that has a lot of potential and I have hopes that he will get some more development in future events. BUT, I really think they could have handled his arc in this episode a lot better.

Now, all that said, if you still couldn’t bring yourself to forgive or look past what he did and you still don’t like him: no one can force you to like him after the things he did since it can be very triggering for a lot of people, so remember that your feelings are totally valid.

In third place and in relation to Chikage’s arc, I also have to mention Hisoka and the development he got as a result.

The only thing that bugged me in relation to Hisoka was that even though I knew he couldn't because of ~plot~ (and probably because part of him is still unsure about what he didn't remember and how it could affect the others even if he did say that the person he was before didn't matter anymore) but I really wished he had told anyone "hey so like......Chikage said some weird stuff to me just now and I might need help" because their first 1 to 1 confrontation was a threat if I've ever seen one.

But yeah, other than that I really love that we not only finally got to learn about his past, but also we got a good foundation for his development in the future regarding his interpersonal relationships with the winter troupe. The fact that he couldn’t remember who he was has been a point of conflict in the past and this brings that issue to a close in the sense that he is willing to tell them (part of) the truth once he sorts things out. And I loved loved how the trust Hisoka has in them is the direct result of all the ups and downs that the winter troupe has gone through so far in learning to open up to each other. I know they said during nocturnality that they’re not a family in the same sense the spring troupe is, but I honestly disagree; they way in which they’ve come to rely on each other shows how strong their bond is.

[aijee]

is this a life update or a novel?

Hi all, long time no post! Nice to meet you new followers, and nice to talk to you again for those who’ve stuck around. Just as a reminder, my blog is as much of a fic blog as it is a journal for me to sort my thoughts.

In that vein, here’s a personal update. CW for mental health/anxiety, physical pain, big life changes. There’s lighter stuff at the end!

It’s been both a long and short summer for me, after deciding to quit work and focus on my mental health. I’m a millennial twenty-something whose mind, like many, is tragically crippled with the capitalistic and individualistic values America has brainwashed me with, so I’ve had a hard time coming to terms with being unemployed and depending on my parents. I’m extremely privileged and humbled to be in a family that still maintains income during unprecedented times. I’ve been trying not to let my internalized struggles turn into this self-imposed shame for partaking in pleasures (I remember second-thinking buying a digital comic book for hours). My parents often say, “We worked hard and struggled because we didn’t want our kids to do the same. Don’t feel guilty for enjoying yourself.” Nowadays, they add that I’ve worked hard during college and my post-college job; in their eyes, I’ve more than “earned” a break, especially after losing my graduation, summers, and trips.

I constantly wonder why I impose so many limitations of myself even more during a pandemic. While being aware of global struggle is important for not becoming out-of-touch, I need to remind myself that people don’t have to earn the right to play or be happy or enjoyment. Obvious lack of nuance aside, it’s crazy to think how much capitalism—largely the idea worth is contingent (work) productivity—has deformed my sense of what’s a basic human right versus what should be earned. I think I’ve mentioned in a previous post that I struggle with thinking in extremes; it’s either starvation or hedonism, and the latter earns far more societal vitriol. I think my Asian upbringing has made me hyperaware of what others could be thinking of me, regardless of how accurate those projections are. I’d fact, I rarely assumed positive opinions. Outside of external validation, I realized how poor my self-image really was. Tearing myself down before anyone else could rarely, if ever, softened the blow.

For the first time, I’ve begun to think that my life is my own and no one else’s. It sounds logical on paper, but so much harder in practice in real life, I’ve realized. This isn’t a constant or ingrained thought yet, often peaking in between longer and more familiar strings of anxiety. But it feels like an important realization during a time full of sadness and uncertainty, let alone in my lifetime at all.

And then I injured my spine.

It happened towards the end of the summer, when I was starting to feel more put-together internally. I felt so creatively productive (in avenues I don’t care to share online) and even closer to family. I had a ball revisiting old shows. I ate food I hadn’t eaten in years. And this was suddenly interrupted when, while showering, I was wracked with unimaginable, nonstop pain. I nearly passed out alone in the shower and barely managed to crawl to my bedside to call my parents; I was lucky they came home early. I couldn’t stop crying for almost twelve hours. I was terrified at the possibility that I may be paralyzed or my legs would be affected. Thankfully, that wasn’t the case, but I was bedridden and wracked with nausea. I could barely stomach anything, not even water. I couldn’t sleep. I was never brought to a hospital, either on the fear of COVID transmission. The whole time, it was so, so debilitating on a physical and mental front. My head was a nightmare.

Like a bad habit, some of my worst thoughts centered around productivity. I worried about the work I couldn’t do. I felt shameful about canceling plans with friends. I hated being helpless and not being able to take care of myself, and felt guilty for wasting other people’s time taking care of me. And yet, if I was someone else, even a stranger let alone a friend/loved one, I’d be scratching my head over why that person would think these things. Fuck work and other life plans, getting better is the most important thing because you can’t do any of those compromised activities if you’re not at capacity! Duh. Anxiety can really a number on you sometimes and it’s awful just how irrationality fuels the spiral.

I’m grateful to be back on my feet. I’m trying to hold on tightly to that victory, to this positive point that I have worked towards. It’s going to be a challenge to do my recovery exercises daily for my 2-3 month recovery period when I barely remember to floss. Moreover, I’ll be in the middle of moving and working full-time again in the next month, alongside the ridiculous anxiety over some applications and maybe interviews for a different part of my life. But I’m doing my best to take each day at a time and celebrate the good things when they come, however small. I don’t have to ace a final exam or burn my retinas studying for them to deserve victories because, hey, again, happiness is a right and I need to stop gatekeeping myself from it.

Frankly, the injury is largely why I haven’t posted sooner. I don’t think anyone should ever feel obligated to use social media when they aren't up to it. But I actually wanted to ease back into writing before I was injured, starting with this blog.

Some other positive things:

God, I missed the Avatar (Aang and Korra) series so much. What a damn good franchise, what a damn good magic system and world. IT’S. SO. GOOD, GOD. Revisiting it all and reading the comics while I was sick was the single biggest joy that kept me going. I hope the magic lingers for as long as possible.

Even in my inactivity, I’ve received some really lovely comments on my AO3. I read the emails primarily. It really warms my hear to see them. I revisited old comments recently, too, and they’ve helped keep me going and reminded me that I am capable of putting joy into the world.

I’ve taken a liking to Youtube playlist-videos and Spotify playlists that encompass a very specific story scenario, like “dancing with the villain in a masquerade ball” or “driving around the French countryside”, etc. Japanese 80′s urban pop is SO GOOD.

Smosh has been putting out such great content y’all. I was BIG on old Youtube (Nigahiga, Smosh, Michelle Phan, Jenna Marbles, etc.) and it warms my heart to see their renaissance. Amazingly entertaining and down-to-earth content. I don’t fall squarely into their demographic anymore, but the periphery is still fun.

Food is great. I love food still. I’ve eaten a lot of good food during this break. It almost pains me to go back to living by myself and eating healthier. :’(

I didn’t realize how expensive moving was. But, after living in the same apartment from sophomore uni to post-uni work, I’m moving into a bigger “adult” apartment with appropriately sized appliances instead of the mini student kind. The possibility of treating myself to a king-sized mattress and decorations is also very exciting.

It warms my heart to see people in my vague social circles indulging in home art projects, like paint by numbers and “diamond” painting. As a kid I thought “not real art” was a waste, but by god as an adult do I not give a shit about what “real art” is anymore. If it’s fun, it’s fun. That’s that!

That’s all I can think about for now.

[precuredaily]

Precure Day 191

Episode: Yes! Precure 5 42 - “Rin and Karen’s Secret Promise” Date watched: 1 June 2020 Original air date: 2 December 2007 Screenshots: https://imgur.com/a/FiOgssJ Transformation Gallery: https://imgur.com/a/6k6SzS0 Project info and master list of posts: http://tinyurl.com/PCDabout

Just a couple of gals being pals: part 2

Karen and Rin seem like an odd pair of friends. This has been pointed out before by me, and by the show itself. In a way, they resemble Nagisa and Honoka from the first series, so while they don’t share as tight of a bond as the original duo, they do have a unique closeness in that “opposites attract” kind of way. Today we’re going to explore that a little more!

The Plot

It’s now December so the girls get to decorating Natts House for the Christmas season sale. Everyone contributes in their way to make sure it looks immaculate, but they forgot to get flowers, so Nozomi voluntells resident flower experts Rin and Karen to go get some.

In Nightmare, Hadenya mocks Bunbee for his constant failure and reminds him that failures usually get the Black Paper. (remember this for next episode)

Rin and Karen arrive at Fleuriste Natsuki, only for Rin’s mom to ask Rin to tend to the shop so she can pick up the twins. Since Rin is stuck, she suggests Karen take the flowers back to Natts House by herself, but Karen offers to stay and help as well. Rin doesn’t think she’s up to the task, but Karen proves her capacity when she helps some customers while Rin is tied up with a phone order. Karen impresses Rin with her knowledge, and Rin impresses Karen with her people skills. Since they’ve been gone a while, Komachi begins to worry about them back at Natts House, and Urara fears they may have gotten into another fight over flowers. Nozomi, however, has full confidence in her decision to send both of them together and tells the others not to worry. Rin and Karen continue to work side by side, and at the end of the shift, Karen observes that Rin is really passionate about flowers, in a more tender way than herself, and tells Rin she could do this for a career. Rin admits that while she certainly enjoys helping out at the shop and playing sports, she doesn’t see them as future careers, and she has no real dream for the future. Karen admits to Rin that she’s in the same boat, even though she’s able to apply herself fully to any task, she struggles with identifying an actual long-term goal for the future. They each compliment Nozomi, Urara, and Komachi in their ability to find and work towards a dream so steadfastly. Then, Rin proposes that they make a promise: whenever one of them finds a dream, they’ll tell the other first. Karen agrees and they share a smile. Unknown to them, Bunbee is around the corner and overhears their conversation, silently mocking their shared goal.

A little later, the pair are on the way back to Natts House, each with flowers in tow, when Bunbee intercepts them, turning some falling leaves into a giant leaf Kowaina. Rin and Karen quickly transform into Cures Rouge and Aqua and start to battle the Kowaina but it overpowers them. Bunbee suggests that, since they have no dreams, they are in despair and should join Nightmare to gain more power. They rebuke him and vow to find their dreams someday. They argue back and forth with Bunbee about the validity and importance of hopes and dreams, similar to Nozomi’s fight with Despariah in episode 39, but he manages to kick them around. Nozomi, Urara, and Komachi arrive in time to tell him that their friends would NEVER fall to despair, and they transform into Precure. They kick the Kowaina a few times, but despite being a leaf, it’s very sturdy. They then turn back to the ideological debate with Bunbee, speaking of the important things they’ve learned from their friends Rin and Karen. Mint recalls the tiara that Rin made for the wedding (ep 32) and Milk remembers how Karen took care of her when she was sick (ep 34). Both instances displayed some true passion and sincerity, and it fosters a realization in Rouge and Aqua. They stand back up, newly energized by the amount of appreciation and support that their friends hold for them, and together they perform Rouge Burning and Aqua Tornado, destroying the Kowaina. Bunbee flees.

Back at Natts House, everyone admires the flowers Rin and Karen brought, but there is some latent curiosity about why they brought two different types: cyclamen and cattleya. Rin explains that they both felt two types would be better than just one, and Nozomi is happy about their choice. While the other three are busy, Karen confides in Rin that she may have found her dream, and Rin admits the same. They dance around admitting that it was the others’ strong words that made them realize how happy they felt working for others in the ways they did, and the audience is left to try to piece together exactly what their newfound dreams are for themselves. (don’t worry, we’ll get find out soon enough.) The episode closes on a shot of the flower arrangements.

The Analysis

Rin and Karen are a really fun duo to watch. I honestly do think it’s because they remind me of Nagisa and Honoka a lot. One is a short-haired working class sporty tomboy with feminine interests, the other is a long-haired intellectual from a wealthy family with absentee parents, and both are well-respected by other students. Before becoming Precure, they had little reason to interact, but now they’re friends. Obviously, the team dynamic means their friendships are different, but out of all the pairs of friends in this series, Rin and Karen bear the strongest resemblance to the originals. Regardless, I genuinely enjoy seeing them come closer, admiring and complimenting each other’s work, and opening up to admit that they don’t have dreams yet (another trait they share with their predecessors). Their promise to tell each other first if they find a dream is really sweet, and even Nozomi and Rin don’t have that kind of a friendship. I just love seeing their bond deepen here.

Unfortunately, the villain plot of this episode doesn’t do a whole lot to help, not in my view. I will always stand up for the girls standing up for the importance of hopes and dreams, which is what they’re doing here, but it just comes down to the same argument they had with Despariah a few episodes ago, or with Bloody the last episode: “Dreams are important!” “No they’re not, I’ll beat you!” until the girls prove that their friendship is actually more powerful. The kowaina is quite strange. It’s a giant leaf, but it’s as sturdy as a brick wall, but Bunbee does most of the fighting while the kowaina just stands around. To his credit, Bunbee is a pretty good fighter, with a devastating dropkick that incapacitates both clusters of girls, but fortunately everybody’s support for Rouge and Aqua inspires them to stand back up and finish off the monster. However, this episode also reinforces a running trend that’s been developing over the series, since the reform of Nightmare’s Dream Collet division: their opinion of Bunbee is in the toilet, and his constant losses do nothing to change this. In fact, this is the last time Bunbee will see the battlefield this season, as the next couple episodes will be fought by Hadenya and Bloody, and then Kawarino during the endgame. It was an alright final fight, but he didn’t use the full range of his abilities, particularly his projectiles, which would have been nice to see.

The best aspect to come out of this is that the Rin and Karen do finally start to realize their future dreams. They’re not expressed out loud quite yet, but this is also a 13 year-old series so I’m going to go ahead and reveal that Rin decides to pursue making jewelry and Karen wants to be a doctor. When you look at their past, it becomes pretty clear. Rin has had a penchant for it since she showed off the bracelet maker way back when, while Karen took her first steps way back in episode 6, when she was able to transform by realizing she wanted to help everyone. That’s the spirit she’s carried all season, and now she’s figured out how she can translate that into her goals for the future. I think it’s particularly great how it was choice words from their friends that made them realize what they love doing. Sometimes it takes that external push, people appreciating your passion when you don’t recognize it about yourself. I struggled with that for a long time, and while I knew kind of where I wanted to end up, a friend’s words definitely helped point me in the right direction. It’s good to see Precure do this, and it will be enjoyable to see how these characters grow and develop their dreams from here, over the rest of this season and the next one.

Some minor aspects I enjoyed were in the opening sequence, when they’re all decorating Natts House. Urara is trying to get position some spotlights just right on a display, because as a performer she knows how the right lighting can influence opinion. Komachi sets out a poem of hers intended to greet guests, and she gets flustered when Karen reads it. It goes:

“A holy day, a holy night. What sort of sky lies above you---... Once again, I wander in search Of you in the sea of stars this night...”

translation not guaranteed to be perfect

Also, Nuts is a total Scrooge, grumbling about how he doesn’t see the point of Christmas. Coco says the girls are enjoying it so it can’t be all bad, and Nozomi informs him that it’s a really important holiday for young girls. (Christmas in Japan is a big night for couples to spend time together.)

And the last bit is a little continuity, they use a Pinky named Clearkuman to copy fliers advertising their Christmas sale. This might be the only Pinky to recur, as it was seen doing the same task way back in episode 10. Also, I don’t think I’ve commented on the cards before that they use to summon Pinkies out of the Dream Collet, so here’s a look:

It’s just so transparently a toy, with the barcode and CARD IN on it. This is about the last chance they have to get kids to ask their parents for this big ticket item before Christmas, and then in 2 months the Rose Pact will be the hot new toy to have instead. So it goes.

All jokes aside, this was a solid episode with some characters I love spending time with and seeing grow, both because they remind me of the original pair and because they’re great in their own right. Next time, we turn our focus back to Komachi and her struggles with authorship. Look forward to it, it’s going to hurt.

Pink Precure Catchphrase Count: 3 kettei!

[local-thembo]

how do you get motivations to write? i want to write but i dont have motivation nor do i have ideas, prompts, to write...

Hi! This got away from me a little, but I’ve got a few pieces of advice! I’m very aware that most of them are easier said than done, but it’s still a starting point…

I’m going to start with ideas! You mentioned it yourself, prompts can really help you get started. There are some awesome lists out there, and there are entire blogs dedicated to them on tumblr. Really, you can probably just google “writing prompts” and be offered heaps of them. Now obviously, not all prompts are going to speak to you. That’s why I really like to get into specific categories depending on my mood!… Feel like writing some gut-wrenching angst? I go hunting for these sweet sweet angsty prompts. Wanna stay light-hearted and cute, I just gotta go through fluffy prompts and find one I like! You can easily just pick a prompt that sparks something in you and then work on it, but sometimes it’s also nice to challenge yourself and have another person involved in the process. That’s why we writers on tumblr love to reblog these lists and ask for prompts! So, you can do that if you’ve got a blog (and don’t worry if you don’t get any response; I get that it’s not a nice feeling, but it happens all the time, and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad writer); but you can also ask a friend! Send them the list, ask them to pick one! Or maybe just discuss the list with them to get these creative juices flowing! You can also totally ask them/a website for a random number, and then use the prompt that’s associated with it. You might find some really interesting stuff!

If you don’t quite know what genre you want to write, look for the things that excite you. Try and find what you love about other people’s stories, be they novels, fanfic, movies, podcasts, and go into that direction. There’s no sense in creating anything that doesn’t hype you up.

Kind of contradicting my above point here, but: come to terms with the fact that not all of writing is fun. I love writing so damn much, I’ll tell any stranger about it because it’s part of my soul, and yet… yet sometimes I’d rather eat my sock than write lmao. Sometimes it’s a pain in the ass. But everything worth making is. And in the end, we make stuff because the good parts outweigh the bad ones.

I’m a real hypocrite when it comes to this next one, but: if you want to publish your stuff (and by publish I mean even just posting on tumblr) and if you think it’s the audience part that holds you back, you might have to work on that. If you’re afraid of getting no reaction/negative reaction for your writing and it keeps you from writing, that’s not great. You might want to shut down that part for now, and learn to write only for yourself and potentially a few close friends. (Again, real hypocrite here, I very much want and expect validation when I write stuff… but I’ve heard that detaching yourself from that is good for the creative process lmao)

Here’s one last piece of advice regarding ideas, from someone who’s on their phone A LOT and can have trouble just existing without constant stimulation: don’t do that. Let yourself just be in the world sometimes, without the Internet, without music, just let your mind stretch out and wander a little bit. Let yourself be a little bored. You could do that by properly setting up a time to meditate; or you can simply decide not to give yourself extra distractions when you’re, say, brushing your teeth, when you’re in the shower, when you’re cooking, etc. Sometimes the ideas are JUST THERE, but we can’t quite reach them because we’re always clogging our minds with external stimulation. Let your mind breathe a bit. You might be surprised!

When it comes to motivation, the best hack I’ve got is this: remove the choice. Instead of asking yourself if you should write later today, just put it in your mind that you’re going to write, it’s going to happen. Pick a time if you can. Add it in your calendar if you use one. And when the time comes, sit down and don’t think about whether or not you want to do it, or should do it; just switch into writing gear and do your best. That whole attitude is super useful to make me go to lectures, and sometimes it works with writing too!

If you’re very easily distracted like me, sometimes taking away the distraction for a bit can really work wonders. If I’m trying to write and I blank for over ten seconds, I just grab my phone and then my focus is GONE. And I can do that for hours on end, and not write a single word. If this happens to you, identify the prime suspect (your phone, a certain website, etc), and block it. There’s tons of apps and extensions for that. It doesn’t have to be for hours, sometimes just ten, twenty minutes where you don’t have your usual distractions can go a long way! I often find that the hardest part is to start writing, and that can really help you on that plan! I use the Forest app on my phone to entice me to not use it for a few minutes, and I usually keep on writing looong after the app has finished its task.

Get someone to hold you accountable. Could be a friend, another writer, a website… Give yourself a goal (“write something before monday”, “finish and publish one prompt today”, “write x amount of words this week”, etc) and tell your buddy about it. Nothing bad happens if you don’t respect it, but sometimes all you need is just the right amount of external pressure…

Stop making writing so important in your head. I know that sounds counterproductive, but here’s the thing: it’s very easy to completely block ourselves from creating if we’re putting too much pressure on ourselves, or expecting everything to be a masterpiece and change the world. It won’t. It’s okay to reframe your expectations.

TL;DR: Remove distractions, use lists of prompts you can find online, and set goals without putting too much pressure on yourself!

I hope some of these help!! Don’t hesitate to come back for more advice, or to ask for clarification on any of my points! And good luck with your writing 💞💞

[hillbillyoracle]

An Introduction to Shadow Work

Outside of beginner material, shadow work is the topic I get asked about most. It’s also one I’ve been most reluctant to tackle. I don’t think the climate of witchblr lends itself well to deep dives on intensely personal practices like shadow work because someone will always be there to contest it. It has to vary widely; what I say here will not be helpful to many people and I don’t pretend this series is definitive in any way. So my standard disclaimer applies: take what is useful and leave the rest.

What is Shadow Work?

In the simplest terms, it’s a form of spiritual self therapy. It’s about looking into the shadows of ourselves where we hide the unsavory unpleasant parts of ourselves and reintegrating them. The goal is to be more whole, to be our full selves.

It requires us to pull from two directions: whatever is inside of me is valid and worthy of respect but whatever harm it causes is my responsibility to mitigate.

While there’s nothing inherently spiritual about self-reflection and acceptance, the term shadow work is usually used in pagan communities to denote a type of practice that is. It might involve deities, spirits, and spellwork – all with the goal of reintegrating the self.

Why do Shadow Work?

I can’t speak for others but I’ll share the reasons I do it. Shadow work for me is integral to my work with the Morrigan. She demands I face my fears and not let them have control over me. Sovereignty is vitally important to her and knowing oneself is a key part of establishing it. Shadow work aligns very nicely with what she wants for me and expects of me.

Anecdotally, I’ve found it’s greatly improved my divination and spellwork abilities. We often look for blocks externally but many blocks are internal. Shadow work has helped me resolve many of them.

I also just like taking a spiritual approach to being my whole self. It’s helped me find deep meaning in setting better boundaries and communicating my thoughts and feelings with openness.

Prerequisites for Shadow Work

These are the skills I found necessary to do shadow work in any meaningful capacity. While I’m sure some folks can do shadow work without them, my shadow work always suffered if these weren’t in place and reasonably stable.

Mindfulness

I’m not sure that shadow work is possible without some sort of mindfulness practice. It doesn’t have to be meditation but something that allows you to separate from your thoughts enough to watch them is vital. I get this from meditation presently but I used to get it from running, mowing the lawn, or knitting – anything where my mind had to concentrate on one thing but not so complicated as to require a lot of complex thinking. The ability to watch your own mind without getting lost in it definitely required for shadow work, not something that develops by doing it. I’m sure there are people out there who’ve figured out how to make it work but that has not been my experience even second hand.

Self Soothing

Self soothing is related to mindfulness but I feel it deserves it’s own category. Mindfulness is necessary in order to even look at difficult parts of yourself but self soothing is necessary so your reactions to that don’t escalate and cause problems. For instance, if in your shadow work you turn up ways you’ve unknowingly hurt someone you care about – it’s vital not to let that spiral into shame and depression. You need to be able to be there for yourself. For me this looks like saying nice things to myself, doing something nice for myself, or distracting myself from the block until I can work on it again.

Self Care

Self care is kind of a loaded buzz word these days but I draw heavily from a model I heard presented by Dr. Meg-John Barker which divides self care into kindness and reflective practices. I add in maintenance as well because other types of self care are very difficult with out it.

Maintenance self care is about the day to day grind – paying your bills, brushing your teeth, feeding yourself. While I by no means think you need to have this kind of self care mastered – I did quite a lot of shadow work while living in the back of my car in college – it certainly helps. Survival concerns are likely to disrupt shadow work, so the better able you are to keep up with the day to day business of taking care of yourself then the easier keeping up with shadow work will be.

Kindness self care is the pintresty instagramy kind. It’s what most people think of when they think self care but it’s also why I think self care gets so distorted because it’s so publicized. For me, it makes more sense when you consider it in terms of a relationship. I find it helpful to imagine what I’d most like my partner to do for or with me and then do it for myself. It’s a way to show yourself you care about yourself beyond the day to day grind. But you also don’t want to use this as an excuse to enable unhelpful behaviors, especially ones whose underlying causes you’re trying to reintegrate. My current kindness self care practice revolves around making time for my letter writing and crocheting and also making myself tea more often. It’s simple but it helps me feel like I value myself.

Reflection self care is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a way to process thoughts and feelings. Journaling or other creative outlets work well for this. My bullet journal is the main way I currently fill this role. While shadow work will likely require this in some form, it’s good to have experience doing it more regularly and more neutrally. I stopped journaling for a while because I used to only journal when I was upset and working through blocks and so I associated it too much with that to use it to process neutral or happy events too. It’s only in the last two years I’ve reclaimed the practice as self care rather than shadow work and it’s made a world of difference.

Safety Planning

This part is very important given that most people I’ve known who are drawn to shadow work have a history of mental health challenges. Safety planning is preparing a set of instructions for yourself when you’re in a bad or even dangerous headspace. There are plenty of websites that give guidance for developing your own safety plan: this one and this one are my favorites. It’s often overlooked in not just shadow work but mental health services as a whole which is why I’m not surprised so few people take the time to do it. I’ll likely be making a separate post that goes more into depth about it.

Don’t neglect this. You might feel fine now, but shadow work can dredge up very difficult emotions and you want to keep yourself safe.

Should you do Shadow Work?

If you’re considering doing shadow work, here are some questions to ask yourself.

How often in the last few months have you needed to use your safety plan or how often have you had major disruptions in your daily life due to mental health concerns?

If you’re regularly experiencing disruptions or needing to resort to your safety plan, then now may not be the best time to embark on it. Building a good foundation of stable mental health and a solid self care practice will make shadow work much more helpful in the end. Doing shadow work when you’re unstable can actually cause existing problems to get worse so please value your safety and wellbeing when deciding whether to pursue it.

Do you already practice all three kinds of self care regularly? How regularly?

I really do think shadow work shouldn’t be added to your practice until you can care for yourself regularly. Can it be done with out that? Definitely. But god does it make it so much easier. And if it’s easier, you’re more likely to see it through.

What influences make self care difficult to keep up with?

Whatever influences make self care hard to keep up with – those are the same influences that make it hard to keep up with shadow work. Disrupted shadow work is tricky because it can mean opening up boxes of uncomfortable beliefs and experiences that spill over into other parts of your life the longer they stay unresolved. Which isn’t the end of the world but it can definitely be hard to deal with.

How well can you self soothe/comfort yourself when you’re upset?

It’s absolutely vital that you’re able to calm yourself down. If you’re doing shadow work right, you’ll encounter parts of yourself that are truly upsetting to confront. And you need to be able to be there for yourself. If that’s something you can’t do right now, then I absolutely don’t recommend adding it to your practice.

What do you stand to gain by doing shadow work?

I think shadow work is a practice that can be of use for beginners and advanced practitioners alike. But it really helps to know your why. Shadow work done well demands discomfort so knowing why you’re doing it can help you push through it and grow. There are as many reasons to do shadow work as there are people doing shadow work.

Methods and Conclusion

I’ll be writing many more posts in this series about the actual methods I use for shadow work, but if you’re interested in easing into it, I recommend checking out my Self Awareness Challenge and my post on SOAP Journaling. I’ve used elements of both in my shadow work and found them very helpful.

I hope this has helped you get a better idea of what the purpose of shadow work is and what you’ll need in order to do it.

If you have any questions – let me know!

If you like my posts, consider supporting me on Patreon so I can devote more time to them. Even a little bit helps! 

[xs-a-t-u-r-nx]

The Moon’s Moon 🌕✨✨

THE MOON PERSONA CHART'S MOON

**READ MY INTRO TO PERSONA CHARTS POST IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT A PERSONA CHART IS OR HOW TO CALCULATE ONE**

The moon persona chart is not your whole self but it is apart of it, it is who you are emotionally and how you may perceive your mother. The moon sign of your moon persona chart is the deepest and the purest part of you actually are. It is your deep emotional complexes and your subconscious, what has emotionally wounded you and what will emotionally lift you. It is the ocean that exists within all of us.

MOON PERSONA ARIES MOON: Everything that is tangible and that is true in life must be experienced through your hands or through touch. It is how you have learned, through being able to become physically connected to the earth you have grown. However, expanding externally is not a substitute for internal expansion with time. You may have been an independent child, one that grew all on their own, but what part of you has really grown? Your body may be an adult or mature but your heart may still be a child, absolved from nurturing and the comforting reassurememt of a home. No matter how much you feel that you can make it alone, you need to learn to allow yourself to be taken care of in order for you to emotionally grow. You can outrun the external child on your own but you cannot outrun the internal child without help, rest for a while and allow others to be like your mother.

MOON PERSONA TAURUS MOON: You cannot fill the spaces that you lack with things that will roll off of your back. Money, collections, any and all objects, they cannot and will not ever be a suitable filler for emotional holes. You have to learn how to go. Of objects. Of grudges. Maybe of yourself if you have become toxic. Connect to yourself and your body, to yourself and your creativity, discover what you find beautiful and find it in yourself. Security is not being confident in other's view of you it is being confident in your view of yourself. No matter how lavish and emotionally put together you seem on the outside, even if others envy you and your lifestyle, it will never make you happy. And I mean a soul deep, glowing, I've been waiting for this my whole life kind of happy, not just feeling validated by the compliments of others. Learn that you are more valuable than anything on this earth, more valuable than diamonds, gold, anything that is given a material worth. And treat yourself like it. Do not let the past cling to you and rid you of your luster. Distinguish between a friend and a weed. Learn how to make yourself glow. Absolve. Nourish. Grow.

MOON PERSONA GEMINI MOON: Your mind cannot comprehend the root of life itself. Your emotions, your tenderness, where you go when you're hurt, no matter how hard you try to intelllectualize thoughts understanding them this way will slip through your hands like sand. To understand emotions you have to let them breathe on their own, you cannot pin down a feeling as soon as it has bloomed, trying to rationalize something raw and something foreign. I am not telling you to wallow in your emotions I am only telling you that you must accept them, sometimes you cannot explain the way that you feel and that's ok. I understand why you switch from person to person from emotion to emotion from thought to thought. You make a home in things that you do not know. Because in your mind the more that you encounter things that are unknown the more that you grow, facts, books, words written by people from all around the world, it fills something inside you that cannot be explained by you, me, or anyone else. Maybe newness is all that you know. It is okay to take root in places that you already know, to allow yourself to grow with things that you find familiar and not things that are unknown.

MOON PERSONA CANCER MOON: Your home is your shell and your shell is your home. To make yourself comfortable you hold onto things that make you feel warm; faded childhood memories, objects that remind you of something or someone beautiful, things that only continue to persist in your heart. You are the protector of everything kind and everything true, there is and always will be something familiar about you. However, the past is only there to remind you, not to define you. You cannot let past experiences and emotions become you, you have to grow from and let go of things that only exist as memories. Above all you have to learn to make the present a home. You cannot exist in a time that is long gone forever, you must learn that the present can comfort and nurture you as much as the past can, you just have to be willing to cherish homes that exist right now. However, you also cannot let your home become you, the only place that you feel comfortable to be yourself and the place that you feel most secure. You can make a home out of you. If you carry security and self love within yourself the outside world won't be as scary anymore because you have become your own "home", your own source of comfort and affection. Remember home. Leave home. Become home. Don't go back at all.

MOON PERSONA LEO MOON: What is the point in being validated by others? Is motivation that does not come from youreself really motivation? If they do not value you they will come to value you in time. Just make sure that the person that they value believes in them self and that they are kind. No matter how hard you try there will always be others that do not see your luster, your appeal, your shine. To exist without other's praise may be a difficult reality to attain but I promise that you are already enough by yourself. Do not feel as if you have to eclipse your former selves in order to be noticed, that you have to grow and grow and grow to impress each new person that comes into your life. In the end you will gain nothing from the opinions of others. If the opinion of yourself isn't kind others cannot change that, you must motivate and validate yourself from within. People are not always nice and opinions are not always just and truthful, so take time to evaluate where you are and how far you've come, everything that you have invested into yourself. Rest within yourself for a little while. Remind yourself that you cannot make a home out of the public. And that the public cannot make a home out of you. Above everything else you must remember that you are enough with just yourself.

MOON PERSONA VIRGO MOON: You are allowed to feel without justification and without rationalization. Routines and order will not save you from yourself. Emotions left to fester will not allow you to grow. Emotions that build up inside will reveal themselves at night, when you are alone with your mind and your heart and no one to confide in. Learn to take care of your emotions in your day to day life, you are allowed to express how you feel in broad daylight, you can be tender when the sun is still high in the sky. I urge you to let your emotions exist on your own, to let the feelings from your heart flow, to exist in sadness, in happiness, in love, for as long as you need and as long as your heart needs. Do not push how you feel away in favor of work, you deserve better than making yourself someone that is ignored by even yourself. I am not telling you to pity yourself I am telling you to cherish and love yourself as much as you cherish and love others, you are the most important part of your life, because without you where would those that rely on you go? Your mental health and your physical health go hand in hand, don't forget to take time to relax and to take care of yourself, both outside and inside.

MOON PERSONA LIBRA MOON: Peace can be sought after but it can never be attained, the unpredictably that is earth as a whole cannot be tamed and it cannot be controlled. You are only made to exist, not to be perfect, and there is beauty in the way that some things as out of your control. There is beauty in the midst of adversity. Things are often birthed from chaos and ruin, it is the natural order of the world. And no one will ever be able to change that. Nature isn't perfect. Humans are not perfect. This earth is not perfect. You are not perfect. And that's fine! Nature is fine! Humans are fine! (Ok well maybe not all of us) Earth is fine! And you are fine too! Why? Because nothing in life requires for you to be perfect. You do not have to lose yourself in pleasing others and making balance out of confrontations and struggles, there is beauty in the way that things move without perfection. You do not have to prove your worth because you have always been enough, you do not have to please others because pleasing others was never your job, you do not have to perfect things because perfection isn't something that can be attained, you and everything else cannot escape the unsteady foundations of time. If you want inner peace you must learn that peace is not something that is always balanced but it is something that always starts with loving yourself.

MOON PERSONA SCORPIO MOON: You do not have to constantly reinvent yourself to prevent others from knowing where your wounds are. You cannot always hide your heart and in time something will give and something will rise to the surface, you just have to be ready for it. I promise that there are people in this world that would never hurt you, people that would not take your emotions and use them for their own benefit. Emotions kept within will break down and decay, decay within you will create decay outside of you and the urge to reform will be present again. And the cycle continues. Self destruction and self transformation are not the same, from one you will never be able to rebuild from the ashes and the other you never burned who you were down in the first place. Rapid changes and dodging deep questions will not save you. Long kept secrets and words carried to the grave will not save you. Never trusting another and always being suspicious of those around you will not save you. Anything that involves isolating yourself has never truly saved you and never will. Do not draw power from secrets and being closed off in the eyes of others, draw power from knowing that you are safe in your own home and that it is okay to let your emotions flow on their own.

MOON PERSONA SAGITTARIUS MOON: Life is only proven to exist within this earth, expand too far and you will surely be burned by the sun. Run from others and they will run from you too. Leave and you will eventually leave yourself. Life is wonderful, unable to be defined by words, but there is always a point where life stops. There is point where everyone stops. And there is a point where you must stop too. Where are your roots? Is your home a place or have you made your home the entirety of the earth? I encourage freedom, expansion, growth, but sometimes you need to learn to have a place, a person, a thing, that you are able to claim as your home. Do not run from things that have hurt you. Do not run from homes that have abandoned you. Do not run from people that did not nurture you. Do not run from your emotions. Do not run from yourself. You can only outrun so many things in your life and sometimes situations are too fast to escape. It is ok to settle in one place, I promise that they will not hurt you, that the earth will never become stale on its own. There is something intricate and beautiful about everywhere on this earth, and it takes a lifetime to explore a place that you find ethereal. Take root. Take time. Above all, learn that everything will catch up with you in time.

MOON PERSONA CAPRICORN MOON: No matter how long and hard you search you will never find your purpose in the world. Your true purpose has always resided in yourself, and I know that it may seem frightening but only you have control of yourself. Listen to your heart. Your mind. Your soul. Anything within you that you can almost feel move. They are all telling you where you are and where you need to go, you just need to be quiet enough inside to hear what you have always had to say about yourself. And achieving something is not everything, failure is growth and growth is failure, you will remain stagnant if you do not fail while achieving your goals. And you do not need other's validations, other's opinions, praise for everything that you've done and are doing. You are your own validation, your own motivation, your own appreciation. You only have to learn to embrace this. Work is not everything and everything is not work, relaxation is key to a healthy mind and a healthy heart. Take time to take care of yourself, to rethink, reenergize, and recharge before you hit a wall. Reflect back on everything you've accomplished by yourself and learn to truly appreciate how far you've come on your own.

MOON PERSONA AQUARIUS MOON: Do not drown in emotions until you are consumed by numbness. Do not drown in numbness until you are consumed by the inability to process your emotions. Emotional balance is a key thing, overrationalize your emotions be they will spill over. Overreact to your emotions and they will spill over. Above all their is a strong need for unity between your heart and your mind, one cannot exist without the other so it is better to learn how to allow them to exist harmoniously together. If you do not know what your place in society is give it time and don't ponder it for too long, if you feel like you know your place in society know that it is always possible to be wrong. There is a heart within that has been longing to break free. There is mind within you that has been longing to rest freely. Do not overthink things and do not isolate yourself from a part of yourself, who you are emotionally. In order to grow you must shine light on everything within, not just the parts of yourself that you would prefer to show to society and the world. Hold things in and you will surely explode, learn how to let your mind, your heart, and everything else flow all on their own.

MOON PERSONA PISCES MOON: Your emotions are of the ocean. Rising and lowering with the tides, becoming unhinged and reckless at night, and the only person that can drown you is you and no one else. However, your ocean is not just of your emotions it is of every emotion that has ever been felt on this earth, you are born knowing how it feels to go through any and everything that has occurred within the timespan of earth. It is why you are able to heal so tenderly, so purely, through the moon you have already existed as another and another and another and another. You already know someone else's struggle. Others will confide in you because they will always see a part of you within themselves. But be careful to not get lost in others. If you find your mind wandering for far too long and escapism becoming your reality and who you are learn that it is time to stop. It is ok to take a break from other people's emotions as long as you are able to take care of yourself and distinguish between emotions that you have picked up and emotions that are actually yours. You do not have to give yourself until there is nothing left, save enough of yourself for yourself and no one else.

[yvaquietdays]

Deciding to be happy.

Sometimes meditation doesn’t work.  Sometimes being mindful of your downfalls doesn’t work. Sometimes yoga doesn’t work. Sometimes writing doesn’t work. It’s a little hard for me to describe how I’ve been feeling the last month or so. Of course I’m going to try, that’s why I write a blog. *sly face* So I’ve talked about cycles before. Being aware of the small turnovers of life makes the every day manageable; being aware of how our emotions and vibrations fluctuate certainly makes everything seem a little less daunting.

I’ve been conscious that I’m entering a new cycle of my life. I’m not so far away from turning 28, an age I’m told is the beginning of the fourth cycle in life. And whether you buy into the hokey-pokey, it makes sense if you suspend your disbelief for a moment. Apparently you have the first 7 years, the years of your childhood and innocence, of unadulteratingly questioning and experiencing the world you live in. Then the second stage, taking you to 14, where you’re contemplating adulthood and experiencing massive physiological changes and all the outcomes of that. Then to 21, where all the shit hits the fan and explodes outwards all over you and the people in your life. I’ve been dealing with the proverbial shit of this third cycle for a while, experiencing existential fear and anxiety for the first time, sorting through the people in my life, assessing how I relate and love, seeing my familial relationships through new eyes, shaving off the bits of me I don’t like. Essentially, the un-conditioning of myself and becoming a new person. 

The last time my life seem to change, there were signals. Life threw me signs that I was about to turn things upside down for a bit. I emotionally and spiritually gave up on London and I lost two friends to the music industry; its hold over all of us to get as much out of our creative outputs as possible (i.e money). This is important enough to mention because it damaged me a lot. It affected my trust with people and I felt so betrayed and let down. I’ve made my peace with them and with the situation, but I’ve learned from it, because at the time, it was just another knife in the side, and I didn’t want it happening again. From that point though, I headed steadily downhill somewhere close to the bottom, where I was thinking of jacking it in altogether. I considered going into property with my savings and my Dad. I considered opening a home-brew shop with my partner, who really was my anchor when I was close to floating off unmoored. I didn’t though, because my other anchor was my own spirit, the relentless resilience I seem to have inherited, that I’m sure I don’t deserve; my music and my innate and absolute desire to howl at the moon. Nitin played a huge part in getting me through this phase. Had I not worked with him, I might have forgotten how important singing was to me. He was a kind of the lifeboat that kept me chugging along in the rougher waters for a while; I was desperately unhappy but those days of rehearsals, shows, and being involved in the dance piece were all life rings that I could swim to and gradually get closer to solid ground. At this point, I believe I was shedding off the things I didn’t need to prepare myself for this next stage.

And this time, I’ve also lost two friends. I’m not going into any great detail about this, only that I believe it was for the best and ultimately the whole experience told me a lot about the people in my life, who I am, and what I stand for. It had a lot to do with how I’ve allowed people to take advantage of me for too long. This ties into one of my previous blogposts about saying sorry and not wanting to rock the boat. I have been conditioned to be nice and I am actively changing this. I have Jameela Jamil to thank for opening my eyes and forcing me to see that it doesn’t make me difficult or manipulative to call out the truth and stand strongly within it. They ended up deleting me from their life because of it. But I hated the entire situation. It hurt. Needless to say it had a big affect on me. That combined with new opportunities taking a while to come to fruition seemed to trigger my anxiety and low mood for the first real time since I wasn’t well. It brought back a lot of bad feelings about inadequacy, self-doubt and the need for external validation that I’ve worked so bloody hard on eradicating. 

Validation is the key word here. I believe it is what most of us struggle with going into our adult lives. I’ve worked very hard to not rely on other people’s voices to bolster my own self-esteem. I’ve done my soul-work, I only listen to my own. I’ve learned to tell the ignorant slut (pls read past post re this: it’s what I call my anxiety) in my mind to shut up when she’s being unkind. But over the last few weeks and returning from LA, which now seems like a dream, the voice has elbowed its way in and I’ve allowed it to have an affect on me. I’m waiting; waiting like I did before, waiting for good feedback, waiting for someone else to come at me with the next opportunity. Stagnant. Waiting for the world, looking for someone to blame.

So what the fuck am I doing? I mean, really. I have been arranging my own sessions, writing my book and flirting with a second, being open and vulnerable about my talent and about my humanness. I’ve been rocking it.

But recently, the difference was that I was doing my yoga, not practising it. I was forcing myself to set an intention of success, orienting everything around my goals. I meditated just to check it off the list. But you can’t apply mindfulness with brute force, with a shotgun to the head and your arm twisted behind your back. What I was doing went hand in hand with the thought that, “If I don’t, I will fail.” Before I knew it, I was telling myself I wasn’t worth it. I’m not creative. I don’t have any ideas. I don’t have an emotional scale. I feel nothing about anything. Have a baby, do something else. You don’t belong in that world (LA). You don’t know who you are. You’re not passionate enough about your art. You’re not passionate about anything. Why is nobody getting back to you? You’re forgettable. It’s because you’re not assertive enough. They deleted you because you meant nothing to them. They didn’t apologise to you because they don’t value you.

The rabbit hole is deep and it is wide. Once you’re on that slope, it seems pre-destined that you’ll end up at the bottom before you even notice you slipped. But I noticed. I’ve my best mate and flatmate to thank for a conversation that made me realise what I was doing, ‘cos I was feeling pretty low there for a minute.  The truth is that it takes real mental effort and strain to drag yourself up the mud slide back to even ground. When I was feeling pretty bad, I used to dream about doing the same thing over, and over, and over again and never reaching a resolution. I dreamt that I was at the bottom of the muddy bank and I could not get to the top where the grass was still green. So doing yoga and meditating over and over to force wellness doesn’t work. Negativity does not beget negativity. You have to accept your feelings and do the work to counter-argue with yourself in a gentle and loving way. I am worth it. I am creative. I feel everything, that’s why it hurts. I know who I am, more than ever. I’d be a great mum, but if I have a baby now I’ll probably forget about it and leave it in the washing basket. I am passionate. I am open and patient, and I trust that things will work out. I am hardworking. And they deleted you because they didn’t value you. That says more about them than you, you stone cold, lovely, bad ass bitch. 

Bye felicia.

I am entering a new chapter of my life soon, and I feel my world shifting to allow for it. It isn’t waiting if I regain control and organise my life. Just because someone is giving you an opportunity doesn’t mean that the work is done. It means that you’re just getting started, and you have to work, now more than ever.

Last week I wrote a song on the guitar. This has not happened in a long time. I was consuming a lot of emotional TV (Queer Eye, k thnks), and I was inspired to assess my own mental health. I got complacent, and the doubt got in. It never really goes away, and just because I was feeling better there for a hot minute in LA, doesn’t mean that the work is done. It continues. Always. I don’t want to wake up one day and realise I’m missing something vital because I looked to others to tell me what I’m worth. Everyone else wants as much as possible for themselves. If that means cheapening you so that they’re worth more; that is what they will do. Know. Your. Own. Worth. ‘Cos even your friends will undervalue you.

Self doubt waits at the door, constantly. It wants to be let in, but you keep it at bay. You nod to it, but you don’t allow it across the threshold.

After I recorded the song idea into my phone, I sobbed. Hard. I cried my eyes out. And then I was done. I let the tears come out, unbidden, because I needed to feel it. I think I needed to remember the power of that musical release, why I do what I do. Sure, I’m not like other musicians or singers. Maybe I am depressing, but I’m communicating something that is honest and what we all go through. I am me. And that is enough. It doesn’t matter, all that other stuff. It doesn’t. What matters is how I feel about my music. 

I’m getting to my conclusion, I promise. I meditated earlier this week, and the lovely Andy Puddicomb at Headspace told me to see my mind as the sky. Behind all the clouds, there is always a blue horizon. Just like when you’re on a plane and you finally get above the candy cotton clouds, and in your head you do a little Peter Pan style bounce across them. There’s a soft kind of release I get when I see that. Peace and quiet. Space and breath. Everything else; feelings, thoughts, how we dress, what the world might think...they’re the clouds. When I feel low, my mind seems like an overcast horizon that will not break. An endless, grey, unfeeling cloud of bleak whatever. When I feel good, it’s a summers sky with fluffy white clouds rolling through; you know they won’t stay forever. Meditating is grounding, and reminding yourself with nothing more complicated than breathing that your default setting is a vast blue sky. Warm and peaceful. It might even feel like nothing, but that’s ok too. Everything else is temporary. Clouds are impermanent. The sky is always clear.

So this is my point. I set my intention that day to have a good day. 

Enjoy the little details, enjoy my trial shift at the cafe, enjoy the look on southerners faces when I have a bit of craic with them. Enjoy cooking, enjoy the process, enjoy the walk between here and there, the blossoms, the warmth of the sun on my face. Choose happiness. Choose the blue sky. Decide to be positive. It’s not always easy, and maybe it doesn’t always work. After all, life throws us curveballs and it hurts to get whacked in the face, but it’s a damn sight better than choosing to be an arsehole about it. Try it.

Decide to be happy. 

xxx

[actualbird]

yo you totally made me think about low empathy michael and it like totally makes sense and i think about it a lot when i listen to two player game bc ye like he OBVIOUSLY cares a lot about jeremy and he loves him and like jeremy's stating his problem and michael keeps saying the same solution cause like "that's the answer bro, don't be down" bc he cant wrap his head around the emotions and connect w them that well so in his mind he's just saying this completely fool proof solution i love this hc

yo i got this ask while balls deep in three books of discourse analysis i could only understand by like 10% but because of that was in the mood to just. keep thinking my brain in circles.

so heres a stupidly long answer cataloging canon instances of michael being low empathy af/exhibiting other traits related to this. along with like, characterization to extrapolate from that (at least by my own personal interpretation. obligatory disclaimer that how i see characters is not law, this is just My Take). 

but before that, im gonna define some terms outright so we’re all on the same page. empathy is a person’s capability to understand and feel what others are feeling. basically how well you can put yourself in somebody else’s shoes. this shouldnt be confused with sympathy, which is feeling compassion, pity, sorrow etc. for another. empathy is recognition/replication while sympathy is more on the caring about it. here i focus on empathy and the lack of it. 

im not an expert on Anything but speaking from experience as somebody who has very low empathy, this causes some complications. when you dont feel what others are feeling, sometimes you dont notice other people’s feelings at all. this results in stuff like bluntness, trouble reading social cues, insensitivity, etc. all things that 1) may happen unintentionally, 2) can be worked through via healthy communication, 3) are not inherently bad, just a result of how one reacts to external emotions and 4) things i totally think michael exhibits because hes a low empathy goblin i love with my whole heart. 

let’s get right into it. in more than survive, right after jeremy and michael discover their boyf riend backpacks, this exchange occurs

this seems pretty normal at first glance but it is the first instance of what seems to be michael’s go-to pattern for when he notices his best friend is feeling down, which, at least, kudos to michael, he very obviously noticed jeremy’s feelings. hurrah! so his process for how to fix this goes a little like “step 1: notice jeremy is upset. step 2: cheer jeremy up! step 3: unknowingly kinda mess up step 2“

jeremy is upset about the backpacks but then jeremy provides an out with something supposedly positive. michael latches on to it. it turns out to be negative. michael tries to salvage the situation by cheering jeremy up! by giving him a cool science fact! hell yeah! except it’s a shaky save at best because he does call the both of them losers but in an “it’s okay :D” way. 

all in all this is nothing really, just some friendly fast paced banter between best friends. whats important here is the 3 step pattern aforementioned because it 1) shows that michael Cares about his best friend and tries to make things better and 2) is BASICALLY the entirety of two player game

TWO PLAYER GAME is such a BOP and, at its core, is a song about how michael has got jeremy’s back and vice versa. but tpg is also textbook the 3 step pattern with added sprinkle of unintended invalidation. ive briefly spoken about tpg before so this might look a lil familiar but at its gist:

like you said anon, in tpg jeremy tells michael a problem he has, and throughout the course of the song, he continually makes it known that hes upset and has a lot of issues. step 1 has been achieved: michael knows jeremy is not doing too hot. time to do step 2: cheer him up!! and what better way to do that than to think positive with his trademark line “guys like us are cool in college” like, over and over again. because….it makes sense for michael. things might suck now, but just keep swimming yeah? it’ll be better later.

but it’s not better now and thats what jeremy actually needed validation on. michael thinks the solution is to look to the future but jeremy has his problems bothering him in the present. for all that michael says this is a two player game, he’s unintentionally dismissive because he doesnt understand that this isnt something that can be fixed with a simple “look forward to two years from now” mentality. neither of them are in the wrong, really. theyre just not on the same page.

onwards we go to something else entirely. the chili fries

this is a RIDICULOUSLY SMALL MOMENT but it stuck out to me because imo it is pretty obvious that jeremy says “leave me alone” because hes bummed and is being dramatic, but michael takes it literally and uses the opportunity to skedaddle and get his sweet sweet discontinued soda. im aware michael had to be gone for plot reasons and also the discontinued soda is foreshadowing for the mtn dew red, but taken at face value, this is something that happens a lot w/ low empathy: things are taken literally. 

jeremy is upset. jeremy said to give him some space. thats cool, i’ll go for a bit and come back with something neat that might cheer him up—hey, where’d he go?

and now let’s jump to something everybody and their dog knows about. michael in the bathroom. except not really. because mitb isnt what interests me so much as what happens before.

pre mitb is very, very interesting. before i say anything i’ll be clear in saying that literally nobody had even remotely a nice halloween night, it’s a disaster for everybody involved, but keep in mind that jeremy goes into the pre mitb scene immediately after the clusterfuck that is do you wanna hang and also getting chased down by a sloshed but aggressive jake. many people have said this before me but i’ll say it again: jeremy was not doing well. at all. 

and this is where michael fails step 1 of his pattern. he doesnt pick up on this at all. michael is kinda stuck in his own head right now. hes pissed. hes confused. hes betrayed. he cant understand other people’s feelings and now he has to deal with his own too. his head is a melting pot of AGH and he takes it out on jeremy. yeah, he tries to help jeremy, but he doesnt do it very well. it’s all very accusatory, and jeremy just had a terrible night, so jeremy lashes out.

teenagers are bad at emotions but theyre not bad people for it.  //cue mitb notes, we know the drill

to the play!!! 

recap for maximum contextualization: jeremy realizes the squip is bad fucking news and wants it gone. michael makes an entrance with the one thing that can kill it. and then this happens

AIGHT okay so the whole “i need an apology” scene is obviously played for comedy, and it does a good job at suddenly diffusing the end of the world stakes with some more down to earth teen friend drama but that aside, this scene is a good candidate to be listed under the definition of the phrase “bad timing” because michael, holy shit. BAD TIMING. like great timing for humor but bad timing as a human being. 

here we have jeremy clearly in possessed distress and michael has the antidote but he only wants to give it on a condition. it is absolutely a dick move. yeah, michael is is valid for wanting an apology, but not at this moment with the current stakes. this is michael thinking pretty selfishly. hes stuck in his own head and his own thoughts. he cares about jeremy and wants to help but…this apology important to him. it’s easy to get stuck on things like this when you cant empathize with others. the low empathy means that the only feelings you really get to really interact with are your own, so theres a tendency to focus on them. sometimes even at inopportune moments.

unintentional asshole-ery behold. in fact, this can be pushed even harder by this snippet in the score of be more chill that had some lines from an earlier draft. 

the fetus version of michael makes an entrance is hilariously low empathy, oh my god. this happens while jeremy is rolling around on the floor fighting an invisible-to-everybody-else squip and this is the first thing michael says. it’s positively dickish. 

SO with that done, a little bit can be extrapolated in terms of characterization. i think michael is low empathy so the dominos fall. michael is terrible at feelings. hes got a tendency to get stuck in his own head and not see what others are going through. his emotional periphery is abysmal, hes like a horse with those things that stop horses from looking to the side. in spite of all this, he still has a lot of love and good in his heart and he tries his best to show that in the ways that make sense to him. post-canon, the rift between his brain and jeremy’s brain can only be bridged by a big healthy heap of communication where michael learns that what makes sense to him isnt always what makes sense to other people. hes a good kid. he can do it. 

of course this is, again, all my take. the fun thing about transformative work and fandom is that all interpretations are valid and there will always be somebody out there who agrees. or disagrees. but on this blog, this is my michael. or at least one aspect of my michael. //shrug

ANYWAY im glad you like the hc anon!! ive obviously got a lot of feelings about it since i used your ask as an excuse to aimlessly ramble for, holy shit, 1.6 k words lmao. i hope you have a good day!!!

[elodieunderglass]

at what point does one become more used to having a baby - at what point does it get easier? my pumpkin is nearly 3 months and i am still reeling.

I am sorry that it took me so long to answer this. I am sure that it has actually gotten easier by now, simply because I took so long to answer. The first 3 months of being a new parent are like being in a tumble dryer. Reeling, though, is the feeling of transition; and the transitions will now change very quickly for you, with seasons flipping past in a montage. 

Here’s what Most Parents are going to tell you - in fact they are reading this post and they salivating already, because they really want to be the First Person To Ever Tell You This. They are lining up, like hyenas, to say “AHAHA! IT NEVER GETS EASIER! AHAHA!” They will roll on their backs and wave their paws in the air. “You did a setup for a joke! Just now! The joke is that it never gets easier!”

And then as soon as we try to continue our conversation, the hyenas will leap back in, yelping “REELING? You think you’re REELING? You’ve been parenting for THREE MONTHS! AHAHAHA YOU SWEET SUMMER CHILD!  Wait until they reach [milestone]. Wait until they’re a toddler. Wait until they’re teenagers. Wait until-”

So: thank you, Parenting Hyenas Who Can’t Cope. We witness you. We love you. We have heard about your experiences (nobody could really avoid doing so) and we honour them. Your contributions are valuable. Your jokes are funny, Parenting Hyenas, and we do appreciate the work you have done. BUT we are going to move on, in the expectation that Anon here has some important feelings that are just as valid as those of an Experienced Parenting Hyena, and that for them, maybe coping is possible.

Right. Sorry. I had to say all that because if I didn’t, then people would make the joke in the notes (“AHAHA! YOU THINK IT GETS EASIER! AHAHA!”) and it irritates me, although I love the Parenting Hyenas very much.

To answer your question, Anon, with disclaimers:

I personally believe in the Fourth Trimester Theory, which is that the first 3 months of a baby’s life are liminal and primal. Neurologically and physiologically and in its ancient little psyche, a human baby hasn’t really arrived in the planet yet for the first three months of life. It is not really part of our world; it is not a public being; it is here as a visitor, whose only commentary is crying. It is still in that liminal space between the bright noisy terrors of the world, and your womb, that was also the Void. It looks at you with its changeling eyes and it appears to see infinity. It is very obviously a traveler from somewhere else, now trapped in the form of a potato, and it is composing the MOST scathing Tripadvisor review. And at all times, it NEEDS you. It is an ancient baby mammal and all it wants is your heartbeat, the warmth of your skin, your milk (if you’re giving it your own milk), and to be Parented. It needs these things to live. As science and psychology learn more about the importance of things like “skin time” and “touch starvation” and “attachment,” we realise that the default state of the human baby in the Fourth Trimester is “being held.” That’s it, that’s its job, that’s what it does; it wants to eat while you hold it, sleep while you hold it, and stare penetratingly at strangers and chickens while you hold it. It is not separate. If you are breastfeeding, it is an external part of your own immune system. But emotionally it’s also an external part of your own heart - like a daemon in the Northern Lights series.

You are basically still pregnant. But when you were pregnant, you had a convenient internal life support system for the baby, and both hands free (assuming you have the use of both hands). And now you are supposed to keep yourself and the baby alive in the outside world, which involves doing life support for you both, with no hands free. So yes. YES, this stage is FUCKING hard.

This age of baby is frequently irritating with this Constant Need for your body, and you snap at it, wanting some fucking space, and then immediately feel as if a Goblin King is about to come in through your window in the form of an owl and STEAL it, because you let your guard down for a second, and for a second there you didn’t want your baby. But of course you want your baby! You just don’t want your baby ON you! You wanted somebody else to hold the baby for ten minutes while you had a poo and then stared silently at your tongue in the mirror because YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO LIVE, BABY, YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO LIVE. I mean, maybe that’s just me. I’m 90% sure that was just me. But yeah!! It takes some getting used to!!

After the Fourth Trimester, the little potato becomes a lot more like a baby. At three months, the little oven timer goes “ding!” And it’s a lot more fully cooked and developed. It levels up a lot now. If it had colic (uncontrollable screaming with no particular cause, usually in the evening) then colic is about to go away. It will hopefully know the difference between night and day. It will probably not poo at night any more, and you can let it keep one diaper on all night. It stops looking at you like a judgmental goblin ALL the time, and may smile occasionally. Breastfeeding (if you’re doing it) should have become easier, hopefully completely painless, and you’re hopefully feeling comfortable and confident about it. You will probably have survived at least one scary crisis, such as Running a Very High Temperature, or Dropping The Baby In The Bath, and come through it okay, astonished at your own bravery. So many things get easier now. SO MANY.

When does it get easier? For me, I found the first three months to be really rough and incredibly lonely and difficult, and it got increasingly easier after that. Caring for the baby became more of an exchange and a communication. They transitioned very distinctly in my eyes from an angry goblin potato to something more like a chirping pet. We bonded, as well; when the baby was born, they were a stranger to me, and I didn’t like them particularly (although I was prepared to do my absolute best for them) because I didn’t know them very well. But I did love them more and more, the more I knew them. My love needed time to grow. For me, the growth of baby and bond made it easier to meet their endless needs. Some people won’t share this, and some babies won’t do this; there will always be high-needs children too, and children who don’t develop according to Timelines, and relationships that have a different molecular structure. But the thing is that the whole point of babies is to change VERY fast: you will break, or you will get stronger, or things will change. Next week, your baby will be a different baby. Next month, it will be a different animal.

And sometimes the thing that changes is your relationship to the role of parenting. So that also happened for me to: the transition from my Self as a busy person with an unplanned pregnancy and no particular interest in children, to the Official Adult in Charge of one of Earth’s newest members. Who was an early arrival, to boot. It took a long time for me to set down my own ambitions to focus on Glassbab’s fragile, evanescent babyhood. I had to give up “being a person who goes to parties,” “being a person who has lots of hobbies and related friends,” “doing standup late in pubs,” and losing each one made me feel like I was being killed. But it turns out, I do actually have a personality beyond The Stuff I Do - I’m actually valuable and likable even if I’m not destroying myself with trying to do everything - which was actually a nice discovery for me. 

That’s another thing that people don’t write about - other parents don’t give you any map for how your own identity might change, and how that might actually be GROWTH, and what you might like to do with it. They just laugh “hahaha you’ll never cope again! hahaha mothers don’t have IDENTITIES! mothers don’t cope!!!” and you want to kick those hyenas RIGHT IN THE HEAD. 

Because, it turns out, those hyenas are only talking about their own experiences. Parents do have identities. Many parents cope. Many thrive. Many people feel this transition as growth, as a part of their lives where they grew and loved and learned, and achieved amazing experiences, Some people even feel the reeling as a pleasant thing; the way that you feel at a party, drunk, looking up at the ceiling until you are looking down at yourself, spinning in a blur of color and the moment. Pin this time, this reeling and draining time, down with lots of pictures. In a year these memories will be hard to catch again.

Disclaimers:

1. If the reeling is Too Much, please see a health professional. I don’t know what “Too Much” is and I am not qualified to advise you on your mental health, but you can use the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Test as a tool to decide whether to seek further help.

2. All babies and all people are different. No advice will ever suit everyone. If my advice, or indeed any advice, does not apply to you, then do not take it.

[cedarmoons]

Not an ask meme question tbh but it's something I really wanted to ask because I admire your writing (ditto to video's writing if they see this (hello btw)!): how did you get over your fear to post writing things on tumblr? Sharing my writing scares me so much that I don't really write outta fear. I miss it a ton so I wanna start again & share with folk but the idea is scary. How do you do it?

First of all, thank you!! I’m so glad you like my writing! :’)

Second, I would say tumblr is a fucking terrible platform for writing, though some fandoms (dragon age) are way better about reblogging/supporting their fanfic writers than others (the arcana). I’d highly recommend posting to ao3, because ao3, while the arcana fandom isn’t necessarily active on there either, it has an infrastructure built to support and nurture writers!! I want you to get as much support as you can, anon!

But to get to your question as to how I get over my fear to post my writing on tumblr: 

I’m a massive hoe!

more writing advice under the cut :)

I think the mantra “don’t write for others write for yourself uwu” is, to a certain extent, complete bullshit. Sure, I love writing my stories and sure, I love my characters, but I also want other people to love my characters and read about them. I want other people to want to read about them and their stories. So what do I do?

I keep writing, and I keep posting, and eventually people will start to notice. It can get really discouraging at first; my first arcana stuff on tumblr got, like, 3 notes. I seriously considered leaving the arcana and going back to the same solas hell I’d been in for the past three years until @4biddenleeches fuckin’ reblogged one of my oneshots and added a whole paragraph of nice comments in the tags AND commented on ao3!! She saved my arcana fandom life!! She’s the real MVP yall, without her I would have written like 3 things for the arcana and that would’ve been it.

So that’s my answer: I’m a hoe, and I want people to read my stuff. Writing fanfic isn’t fun for me if I don’t get to share my work w/ others and I don’t know that other ppl are enjoying my work alongside me.

But I am curious as to your reasons as to why you’re afraid to post to tumblr. I can think of a couple reasons why this might be, though I don’t know your reasons specifically. So, I’m going to be using a fictitious presumption that you want to write Nadia and/or Asra-centric fic for the Arcana fandom as opposed to fic for the Dragon Age fandom.

Is it because you think no one will read it? 

First of all, if this is the case, TAG ME, 🅱️LEASE, I WANT TO READ UR STUFF!! (esp. if it’s nadia or asra content... feed me... i’m starving)

In all seriousness, this is a totally understandable concern. This partially feeds into how hostile tumblr as a platform is for fanfiction and other writing, but it can often feel like your work is being ignored, especially if you’re in the Nadia or Asra tag and your beautiful fanfiction keeps being drowned out by meme posts about how Julian is disaster hottie husband material (I’m joking but really people please stop putting Julian-only stuff in Nadia & Asra’s tags, we know u want notes but pls we’re starving!!). 

But there’s a whole complexity that goes into posts that show up or get attention, including whether or not there’s external links, formatting, length, etc. It really just takes a lot of tinkering to find that “fit” or to decide that you don’t care, which is also a valid take.

The only advice I have for this would be to keep writing. The more content you put out there into the void, the more likely you’re to be noticed, to get feedback, and to gain a following. @kauriart has an excellent tumblr-fanfic-centric advice post here. And if worst comes to worst, if you tag me, I’ll read your work and possibly shove it in all of my friends’s faces!!

Is it because you don’t think your work is up to snuff? 

Again, I would continue to encourage you to keep writing. The best way to improve is to practice. I hated my Asra characterization in my first few chapters of handle with care, and now he comes very naturally to me, because I’ve written like,,, 100,000+ words about him ://// press f for respects re: my wrists

Also, keep in mind that you are always, always your own worst critic! What you may think is absolute garbage may be what someone else thinks is 24-karat gold! If you really hate a piece you’ve worked on, that’s totally fine -- shove it on a google doc somewhere (DON’T DELETE! There may be lines or paragraphs you like & that you can cannibalize for later work! Internet space is infinite!) and start again, thinking about what you can do different, how you could improve what you’ve already written, etc.

There may be another reason you’re afraid to post your work on tumblr, in which case I invite you to send me another ask so I can give you advice, or even send me an IM! But my advice mostly bubbles down to this: keep trucking along. good things come to those who wait. your dues will come; the forest always knows what it owes. :)

last but not least: pray to aphrodite, patron goddess of fanfiction. she will not lead you astray, sweet writer.

(if u post anything u better tag me anon 🔪)

[thestarseersystem]

I love this post, it is so important to me. Can't explain, dissociating a bit, but this is so real and important.

I'll talk about my experience, and it's more in line with that I found it out myself. And there has been several people with DID in my life, that I've known. But my internal experience was so different from their external experiences, that I was sure that I did not have what they had.

So my journey to self discovery was when I was learning and already knowing about my ADHD. I can't remember what year it was, but it was after the fact that I learned about my ADHD.

I was searching up about PTSD on tumblr because I noticed that, hm, maybe I have symptoms of trauma specifically. It would be nice to heal from that. I noted down nightmares and feeling like I can never get myself clean, even in the shower. Stuff like that.

And from there, I'm not sure how, I learned of dissociative disorders. I found a YouTube channel by the name of DissociaDID, this may have been 2019, actually. I was watching their video on newly discovered systems and what not. And it was like, huh that's weird, wouldn't it be weird that I have symptoms? I have the symptoms, but I'm not like..with DID, naw, I must be different. Yeah, I relate to some symptoms, but not all of them. Haha like,, I totally think I have this now but I'm not sure, let me sit on it a while.

Like it was shocking and uncomfortable and weird, I felt like I couldn't relate to the symptoms, even though I did. I felt like that I just wasn't allowed to and it was wrong of me to do so.

But with time, it came more and more hard to deny that I didn't have a system. Along with my OCD (something I wouldn't find out about long after the fact), I would ruminate, pick a part and go down every solution that I could think of until it would all lead me back into that same thing. I had a system and it was real.

And at the time, I was still in college, so I was dealing with a flurry of symptoms all the time. Ones where I spoke in a different accent, ones where I couldn't get out of bed because I was catatonic, ones where I'd dissociate while me and my boyfriend were making out and I felt so out of it, that we had to stop. The symptoms were there, I just was dealing with the fact that I was also afraid to tell my teachers about possible ADHD because I felt it was wrong of me to figure it out by myself, and it wasn't until like a whole year later that I would get diagnosed with ADHD.

So I was dealing with a lot and subsequently integrating a lot of information and dealing with a lot of stress. It was a time where stress drummed up a lot of repressed memories and led me feeling pretty dissociated throughout college. College is extremely blurry because of that.

So yeah, you can figure it out by yourself, but there is quite a lot of doubt that comes with that, and you probably won't know a lot at first. It feels so easy to latch onto the only information that you are given at the time. But the thing about figuring it out is that investigations only progress with more clues and reasons.

It is definitely much easier for a doctor to tell you, and for someone outside of you to validate it. Than it is for you to go through the process of figuring it out. Cause it's like putting a puzzle together when you don't know the picture. And I'm still doing that to some degree. There are some things that I don't know or struggle to understand.

Basically, the answer is that it's not easy, especially when you feel like the odds are stacked against you, when they're literally not.

Hey, I have a limited understanding of Did/OSDD, but if I’m not mistaken, many people do not even realize that they have it until it is diagnosed.

How does a person not realize that they have alters? I understand the memory loss, but isn’t it bound to be found out at some point? When do the alters get their names? Because, I’d think they had the names all along, but ofc if you don’t know there’s a alter then you can’t find out their name. If a system has lapses in memory depending on what alter is “taking the wheel” how is it possible to get to know your alters? Or is it not?

That is correct-- many people don't realize they're a system until they're diagnosed, but there are good reasons and with the age of the internet, that's quickly changing. Already, clinical and research texts are beginning to discuss the societal growth that helps people realize sooner, but let's go over how it's possible.

Before there were readily accessible system spaces and information online (and it still happens, and will continue to happen for many people) it was extremely common for people to misattribute their symptoms and explain them away as something else. The brain loves doing that. There are people that have gone their entire lives never realizing it, just explaining one thing away after another.

A huge part of DID is "amnesia for amnesia", so people don't realize they're missing time. I've found that many people I've spoken to, and the doctors I've worked with, say that in most cases alters aren't distinct prior to therapy, and it's more common for alters to be very similar to the host. It's not until you start working with those parts that they gain more substance. Before that, they're... almost like personified emotions that come out for quick periods of time, do a thing, and go back.

People usually don't realize it's even happened until someone else points it out to them. An example for myself was throwing a drink at someone after they said something stupid and then leaving. The next day someone asked what had happened and I was like, "HUH, weird, I don't remember, must have had too much to drink, I should probably look into anger management classes," and then I never did and I moved on with my life.

I know now that was an alter, and they have a pretty clear memory of that night, despite not being... Fully formed? At the time, they didn't care what their name was, they weren't thinking of who they were and what their past was-- they were triggered, they were mad, they did the thing and went home with only a vague idea of who's home that was and how to get there.

Other alters I envisioned as fully separate people. My oldest alter was the parent I always wanted and needed, and they were my little secret, they came at night and tucked me in and gave me advice. I eventually explained it away as an imaginary friend and they stopped coming around, but I'd still have these moments of, "I bet X would tell me this," but it was really X telling me that, and I was like, man, I sure talk to myself a lot.

Others were introjects that formed with names and backstories already that mirrored my experiences, but I thought they were daydreams, or I was role playing.

These are extremely common experiences, and if it wasn't for a very traumatic event, I probably might have never realized there was a problem. Not all of my "amnesia" moments were pointed out to me, I genuinely thought it wasn't as bad as it was.

After the event, I became slightly more aware of the alters and the memory problems, but it was still another year before I finally got into therapy. That was the next problem. Most doctors aren't trained in DDs, let alone DID. I went through the usual steps of misdiagnosis and trying out different medications before I finally found myself with a doctor that picked up on it. That was pure luck, and most people won't be so lucky.

Once we started working on building communication with the alters, THAT was when they started to grow as people and had more thoughts beyond, "I'm triggered". Many had or chose names that were significant, even if I didn't realize it. Sara was my best friend in grade school, and it wasn't until years later that I realized the connection. She had picked a name of someone that had been important to us during a bad time in our lives, unrelated to when she had formed.

Her "backstory" only started to grow as we dug into memories of when and why she had formed. She was a prostitute who loved her job and the power it gave her, because what better way to combat the feelings of helplessness. She was from America, unrelated to the people doing things to her, because it wasn't incest if she wasn't related to the perpetrator. She was of legal age, because yes.

Before therapy and before fostering communication, she might have had a vague idea of those things, but it was nothing solid. Little wisps of ideas that helped to make it hurt less. If she had been caught out and questioned prior to all of this, she herself might have just dissociated into oblivion and kicked out a different alter-- most likely the oldest one, the only one with any really substance, who would explain everything away to keep us safe and hidden.

Because that's the thing-- they don't want to be found out. The system usually doesn't want to be discovered.

With the growth of the internet, it's so much easier to find information on what you might be experiencing, and once you get the idea in your head, it's possible to work through it and gain some of that awareness prior to therapy. Clinical practice will change and adjust to account for this, and it'll get more and more common as time goes on.

My experience was pretty commonplace for the time, though. System spaces weren't available or accessible, and MPD/DID wasn't mainstream enough for me to be like, "huh". If all of it was only happening to me now, I don't think I'd find any use in those spaces due to my age and the ages of people usually accessing those spaces, so I probably would have brushed the possibility off, especially if I ended up in endogenic spaces.

So there you go, common reasons how/why people don't realize it, and might never realize it.