#it's weird and coercive and I don't like that

[carnage-cathedral]

hey just wanna say that if I've literally never met you before and you send me an ask saying "friends?" I'm gonna block you because the fucking moral OCD bullshit that comes from shit like this is really exhausting

[light-wrath-paradise]

People are so weird about the statement "Nobody owes anyone anything." Like idk I just think that doing things just because you feel obliged to is a little scary. I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm saying it must be pretty stressful and also I personally find the thought scary because it leaves me to assume that your behaviour is not based on any principles but instead on vague feelings of guilt and "owing someone." Also I really think it must be pretty stressful and self-flagellating to live like that.

[nocturnebite]

Dark Romance - ENHA OT7

✰ innocent girl, don’t touch. don't do it.

𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘦𝘷𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴. 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘣𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘴. 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦.

── Seven boys. Seven kinds of love that cross the line. Each one worships you in their own way-some with silence, some with control, some with blood on their hands.You could run. But none of them would let you. And the worst part? You might not want to.

✦ GENRE: dark romance · psychological/obsessive love ✦ FORMAT: medium to long one-shots · detailed · immersive prose ✦ THEMES: toxic affection · emotional captivity · obsession as devotion · love that looks like a cage ✦ STATUS: complete TAG-LIST: closed ꨄ︎

─ fics under cut tl rules

✰ HEESEUNG — Until You Say Stop

❝ I took everything away, but I forgot how smart you were. ❞ ⤷ you asked him to leave. and he did. but your life got easier—because someone kept clearing the path for you. including the people in it.

✦ trope: dangerously devoted ✦ genre: dark romance · obsessive love

✦ warnings: stalking · posessiveness · emotional manipulation · yandere themes · psychological obession · nsfw (soft and obsessive)

✦ status: complete read here → Until you say stop

✰ JAY — Stay, Because You Want To

❝ I’m not keeping you here. you chose to stay. ❞ ⤷ you leave him—but the world forgets you. and when you return, he’s already waiting.

✦ trope: manipulative lover ✦ genre: dark romance · psychological obsession

✦ warnings: manipulation disguised as love · gaslighting · emotional control · isolation · toxic dynamic · power imbalance · dubcon (emotional) · nsfw (soft but coercive)

✦ status: complete read here → Stay, Because You Want To

✰ JAKE — Yours. Always.

❝ You belong to me. Don’t make me remind you. ❞ ⤷ Every guy who’s ever loved you has disappeared. But Jake? He’s never left. Never will.

✦ trope: if i can't have you.. no one can ✦ genre: dark romance · psychological obsession · slowburn possessive love

✦ warnings: emotional manipulation · obsession disguised as protection · sabotage of relationships · controlling behavior · dubcon (emotional) · stalking themes · nsfw (soft but possessive) · unhealthy dependency

✦ status: complete read here → Yours. Always.

✰ SUNGHOON — Watch Me, Won’t You?

❝ I just like watching over you. It’s not weird, though… right? ❞ ⤷ He doesn’t mean to scare you. He’s just always been there—behind the glass, in the dark. until one day, you finally see him. and that’s all he needs.

✦ trope: stalker with a crush ✦ genre: dark romance · psychological obsession · voyeurism · twisted longing

✦ warnings: stalking · voyeuristic obsession · delusion presented as love · possessive behavior · mild dubcon (emotional/power imbalance) · NSFW (intense, obsessive, highly fixated) · unhealthy relationship dynamics

✦ status: complete read here → Watch Me, Won’t You?

✰ SUNOO — Sweet Surveillance

❝ You don’t even see it, do you? The way I breathe you in. The way I ache for you. ❞ ⤷ There's something in his gaze—like you’re a secret treasure. Every word, every glance, he collects. He’s not just in love with you. He’s consumed.

✦ trope: beautiful obsession ✦ genre: dark romance · voyeurism · power shift · mutual madness

✦ warnings: stalking undertones · possessive “sweetheart” energy · voyeuristic obsession · delusion presented as care · slowburn tension · mild dubcon (emotional/power imbalance) · light NSFW (tense, obsessive, subtle) · unhealthy relationship dynamics

✦ status: complete read here → Sweet Surveillance

✰ JUNGWON — False Reflection

❝ I tried to make you perfect, but I never learned how to let you be. ❞ ⤷ He wanted control, to protect you in his way — but in the end, he realized some things can’t be perfected without breaking.

✦ trope:  the perfect illusion ✦ genre: dark romance · slowburn · psychological drama · obsessive love · perfectionist behavior

✦ warnings: obsessive perfectionism · controlling behavior · possessive love · emotional power imbalance · slowburn tension · unhealthy relationship dynamics · slight NSFW MDNI

✦ status: complete read here → False Reflection

✰ NI-KI — All Eyes But Yours

❝ Run if you want. I’ll still be here. ❞ ⤷ He’s the one every girl watches in the hallway. Every party. Every classroom. Every post. Ni-ki doesn’t chase—he doesn’t have to. Except when it comes to you.

✦ trope: the shadow that follows ✦ genre: dark romance · slowburn · psychological drama · obsessive love · silent devotion

✦ warnings: obsession masked as affection · possessive tendencies · controlling behavior · emotional dependency · blurred consent · psychological manipulation · slowburn tension · unhealthy attachment · slight NSFW · MDNI

✦ status: complete read here → All Eyes But Yours

Thanks for reading! Reblogs + notes always mean a lot 💌 other works

tl: @yazmike

(read rules before asking to be added to any list ᥫ᭡. )

[separatist-apologist]

I think the Mor being gay was handled so fucking disrespectfully it would have been better had she just not made her gay at all at this point. Just introduce new characters instead. Azmor was cute to me and I would have liked at least one of the main ships to be similarly aged but even if that never happened why would Mor ever need to hide it from the night court? Her friends and family of centuries!

All my thoughts are under the cut because I think some of this could be perceived as anti IC (ITS NOT) or anti Azriel (not on purpose)

I get kind of frustrated with the Mor reveal because that came wildly out of left field to me. ACOMAF is so clearly setting up some kind of love triangle between Mor/Cassian/Azriel and I think that continues to linger even in ACOWAR/SF with how Cassian is around Mor. SJM can say all she wants that its just brother/sister love but some of Mor/Cassian's behavior is very romance coded in an undeniable way (and an annoying way for Nesta imo).

I have been told that people were pressuring SJM to be more diverse which is always so weird to me because why would you look to SJM for representation? Her niche is aggressive heterosexuality, it's clearly where she's comfortable and the little representation we've ever gotten has not been handled well. I think she just doesn't know how to do it, there's no shame in that. We should be uplifting and supporting diverse authors telling authentic stories, you know?

Regardless, back to Mor- I do wonder if SJM ever considered the implications of that reveal. It makes sense that Mor wouldn't want her father to know, but Rhys? Cassian? Azriel? Her found family for 500 years, who uplifted her and protected her, often at their own expense? She doesn't feel safe telling them? Again, SJM is a teller, not a shower but sometimes she accidentally shows us the wrong thing when she's telling us something, and what I think she inadvertently showed us was that the IC is not as close as they first appear.

Which COULD be such an interesting story IF she was interested in exploring it at all. But she told us they're an unshakable family, and so they are, regardless of the subtext that suggest there are DEEP foundational cracks there. Like Mor is SCARED of Azriel, we don't want to delve into that? Or Mor is Rhys' second in command, but he actively makes a deal with Eris, who she is genuinely afraid of, and tells her to suck it up? Is that role ceremonial then? What sort of family/friendship is this?

And finally- I have always kind of assumed Mor is bisexual given she has relationships with men. There is something deeply uncomfortable and almost coercive about the thought of sleeping with other men to get Azriel to leave her alone. Like if what SJM is telling us is true and she doesn't enjoy these intimate moments with Helion, for example, and is only doing it because Azriel can't take a hint, thats....right? Like, I'm not the only person who just decides not to think about it too closely because the implications are terrifying and gross?

Cassian and Rhys KNOW (that shes not into Azriel, not that she's sleeping with Helion even though it repulses her, to get Azriel to leave her alone) this, and they choose to look the other way- how much do they even love her? It's giving "oh, he'd never hurt her" but then they all know she has no interest in him and rather than taking Azriel aside and being like, "my man its time to move on" they all just do nothing because its none of their business. I have siblings, and once when a man wouldn't take the hint with my sister, he took it up with me in the hallway at high school when I shoved him into a locker and started yelling at him.

Again, I think this kind of comes down to SJMs tendency to lean toward telling us everything, including how we should feel, but not showing us stuff. So she can say until she's blue in the face that the IC is an unshakable friendship group with a love that moves mountains but then the reality is that one of them has been tormenting the other for CENTURIES, refusing to take what I consider a very obvious no as an answer- to the point she feels like she has to perform heterosexuality so he'll back off- and no one does anything about it.

And I think thats rough.

[saxlochapologist]

I'm getting tired of people on tiktok thinking Lochlan is the only weird one in the family as if it wasn't Saxon who introduced the themes of incest into the season by calling their sister hot, suggesting that him and loch watch porn together and almost let his little brother watch him jerking off.

Sorry needed to vent to someone.

omg yes anon this makes me so happy I don't engage in fandom outside of tumblr bc takes like that would exhaust me too! Especially bc Saxon basically groomed lochy to view sex as something inherently degrading and coercive toward women lol. He's been told for years that all his big brother cares about is money, getting off, and being physically attractive. OF COURSE that creates a situation for Lochlan where he feels like if he wants Saxon's approval he has to conform to those standards and give Saxon what he really wants (someone to get him off.) I also think it isn't even only sax and lochy who have problems with this, the rest of the family is weird too lol. all the shit Victoria fills their heads with about how their family is this incredible ideal that no one else can come close to, the way she intentionally alienates other people in front of her family to reiterate the idea that no one else matters except for them (when Kate approaches the table Victoria is honestly so rude about not remembering her that it made me physically cringe lol). Victoria upholds the insider/outsider dichotomy at every turn! She tells that story about her own brother holding her down and dangling spit over her face, clearly she has NO problem with her children not having a concept of healthy familial boundaries. The entire Ratliff family are fucking trainwrecks and to suggest that Lochy is some evil deranged mastermind is a huge misunderstanding of the entire subtext of the show hahah. I hope this summer people start exploring actual critical thinking skills before engaging in textual discussions on complex issues but unfortunately it is doubtful. sorry, now I'm the one who's venting lol

[lakesbian]

Lisa revealed the key she’d taken from the fake stone in the back garden, then placed it on the railing of our back steps. Unsmiling, she looked from my dad to me. She met my eyes.

He took another step toward me, and Lisa took a little step to one side to get in his way, as I backed up again. “Lisa?” My dad turned his attention to her, looking at her like he’d never seen her before.  “You’re okay with this?” Lisa glanced between us again, then carefully said, “Taylor’s smart.  If she’s decided she needs to get away and work stuff out for herself, I trust it’s for good reason.  There’s plenty of room for her at my place.  It’s not a problem in the slightest.” “She’s just a kid.” “She’s more capable than you give her credit for, Danny.��

man this feels like Such a distilled and exemplifying moment of both danny and lisa's characterizations & their relationships to taylor to me. danny is an incompetent, distanced parent who just realized that he made an egregious mistake by trying to force taylor to open up. lisa is a severely adultified teenage girl forced to work under--and keep her teammates safe from--a manipulative & coercive man, and she's convinced that she can wear her mask and spin the plates well enough to even successfully save the lonely, suicidal girl she just met by chance. (which she's set out to do because she sees her brother in taylor, and can't stand to let it happen again.)

and here, danny is so at a loss, so desperate to hand the decisionmaking off to someone else like he always wants to, that he looks at a teenage girl he's only met once before--an interaction during which lisa was all smiles as she compulsively worked to establish being superior at considering taylor's needs--and seriously asks, as if she has valid and trusted authority over decisions about taylor's life, if she's okay with this. he argues that taylor is just a kid, but he doesn't argue that lisa is just a kid, too.

which. Kinda says it all about how lisa presents herself and is read by others, huh.

she's almost always smiling, because she knows something youuu don't knowww and she's being smugly amused about it, or because she's using it as a self-defense mechanism or threat display, but here she just looks coldly disapproving. she doesn't have any reason to be intimidated by danny, she isn't trying to prove anything, she's just automatically better than him at being there for taylor, and they both know it. so danny acquiesces and she takes taylor and drives away. huge huge win for fans of weird codependent highschool friendships. Augh. Lisa and Taylor. gonna sit here and think about lisa physically putting herself between taylor and her dad now

[hyperlexichypatia]

I was reading through your old posts about youthlib/anti-eugenics and I wanted to ask how you reconcile people's right to raise children with those children's rights to be free from abuse? Where do you draw the line between reproductive rights and parents' rights? (Not trying to be combative, I generally agree with you, I just feel a bit stuck at this impasse)

So this is a really good question, and I don't actually have a firm, absolute answer. I elaborated a little bit on some of this on the post about family abolition vs. reform (I link back to my own posts a lot, because my mind is a weird interconnected web).

Some thoughts I do have, which I do admit are not One Unified Answer:

I do not support "parental rights" as they are conceptualized in the U.S. and most of the world as a property relation of parent-owner of child-property.

I do support a non-property-based (but therefore difficult to define in a property-based legal system) right to family, right to form meaningful relationships with one's kin, biological and nonbiological alike.

I do think it would be possible, with a lot of legal work that I'm not qualified to do, to legally articulate a relationship of support and guidance between a child and their bonded caregivers, which is not based on "Who owns this child?" but based on "Who are this child's People?"

I think that kind of change requires abolishing the property relation between parent-owner and child-property, as well as abolishing the notion that a child must have Two Legal Parents, that gaining a new parent must mean "losing" an existing parent, that children's material needs are contingent upon their legal parents, that children should be kept ignorant and lied to about their own backgrounds.

I also think we can decouple reproduction (a biological process that anyone, everyone, everywhere, should have unlimited personal autonomy over, as part of bodily autonomy generally) from parenting, which should be understood as a relationship, not an ownership. It is possible to parent without reproducing, and it is possible to reproduce without parenting (and reproducing without parenting shouldn't solely be seen as something tragic like "abandonment"; sometimes people just want to be sperm/egg donors/surrogates, and that's okay).

For various practical reasons, it makes sense that by default, unless people actively choose otherwise, a child's default next of kin should be the people who conceived/birthed them, but that should be easily amendable to suit a family's needs.

(CW child abuse in the next paragraph)

As for protecting children from abuse, absolutely that needs to be integral to any family law changes. It's frustrating in an American context because the categories "what most governments in the U.S. consider child abuse or 'bad parenting'" and "what I and most youthlib advocates consider child abuse or 'bad parenting'" have, honestly, very little overlap. Child welfare in the U.S. (and many other countries -- most countries I know of) is heavily rooted in classism, ableism, and racism, among other things.

Like -- youthlib people are always getting drawn into arguments about "Is social services too quick to take children away from their parents and violate Parental Rights, or are they too lenient with abusive parents?" and the whole framing is wrong, because it's both and neither and it's always more about "who" than "what."

In the eyes of most of the U.S. government, a middle-class parent who beats their child is a more fit parent than a gentle parent living on the street. A parent who chemically restrains their child is a more fit parent than a parent who leaves an 8 year old alone for an hour. A parent who puts monitors and location trackers on their teenager is a better parent than a parent who manages their disabilities in unapproved ways. Most child welfare cases are about poverty or other social marginalization (immigration status, disability) rather than abuse. And coercive control is considered Actively Good Parenting.

So yes, I think children should absolutely be protected from abusive families of origin, but it should be when the families of origin are actually abusive in their behavior towards the child, not when they're merely poor or immigrants or disabled or religious minorities or people of color or queer or some other marginalized population. And that requires the entire institution of child welfare to basically reinvent itself from the ground up.

[bacusdraculacape]

Bank holiday Monday. Not a bank holiday in home it seems 🙃

But I'm keeping logs of everything post handing the notebook over. Nothing more happened until today.

I took a Social Ed class in my final year. It is through that that I am able to recognise these patterns of coercion.

It covered all sorts of stuff: dr4gs, coercion, elderly, etc.

Very grateful for it.

I was unable to recognise this back then during that because I was still trying to figuring 100 stuff out at once mostly related to this issue and I was like is this this what is this specifically? is this really this? I need to do more reading on these topics so I'm well informed. but now i'm like oh yeah this is coercion 👍🙃👍

I'm now enforcing "text that onto me" if any more coercive stuff is said to me by them. "So I can keep it in mind for future reference" (orrrrrr screenshot it and keep it as physical proof of this weirdness muhaha). like the "you must need to see a doctor" over the smallest things like simply finding something of mine near a soup because of where I carelessly left it. I'm protective of my things. so if I find it near soup even of my bad im in oh noooo dont be soup touched pleaseee thinking and try not to dragon snort over it just yet as im like dont go react yet until ya fully know its alright - it was perfectly fine thankfully. but still - what is there for me to see a doctor about? i had a totally normal reaction. im a perfectly healthy person too.

also the notebook I was never so surveillant over something in my life. i had it under my pillow leading up to Wednesday. in my coat pocket or book bag during the day - they know I write in notebooks anyways so I doubt they would've gotten suspicious (thankfully not). yet still - you know from watching documentaries and things one slip up and its over. it's not over. its in the perfect place now. yet hence bringing it everywhere I was for just incase.

Besides this somehow the stray cat climbed over the back garden wall and ended up out the back asleep for a time. Stared at one another for ages. Then she left. The other evening, I walked to the top of my estate and I swear she had followed me out to the top of it. I was like oh unexpected though never unwelcome. The next day walked passed her on her path she saw me and flopped over when I passed. not in pain or etc. Just her quirky thing which I just learned then about her - I don't see her do anything like that to anyone else. But of course she's quirky. I've a strong hunch this cat is attached to me somehow for whatever reason she would choose to be. I don't mind it. Also I really do reckon she is a fairly clever cat and being stray only made her cleverer as it probably would for her pattern of being I've noticed.

[chaifootsteps]

the show's discomfort with its own plot beats is so buzarre to watch. like once Stolas became Viv's favorite the full moon deal had to go, but it had to be done in a way that would make Stolas look better instead of having him grow and change, because Viv's writing is allergic to both character development and accountability. this of course accidentally resulted in him looking worse, but there's something else that I find a contradiction in terms

so the basic implication is that there just hasn't been a meetup since Ozzie's, right? As far as I can tell none of the text messages in the show mention it and Blitzo says it's been a few months. This feels like it's supposed to represent Stolas respecting Blitzo more because he's not forcing him to visit anymore (read: not raping him every month, and I'm kind of blindsided that the show's logic is that we should give Stolas a cookie for managing this bare minimum level of decency).

Here's the thing though: in his texts he says stuff like 'you don't have to come but I'd still like to see you'. So by the show's logic he still has this deal where - as far as Blitzo knows - he has to do what Stolas wants to get the book. But since Stolas is feeling a tiny bit bad about it he gives Blitzo outs so he doesn't have to see him…but then passive aggressively asks him to come anyway?

How exactly would that work? Suppose Blitzo had been anxious that Stolas was being weird with him and went to see him anyway.

Would Stolas still expect Blitzo to sleep with him? If Blitzo made a move thinking that's what Stolas wanted, would Stolas take that as proof Blitzo actually wanted him even though Blitzo would just be doing it because it was how the whole deal worked? Would Stolas think that this was 'better' than what he was doing before because he gave Blitzo a choice this time, even though Blitzo might not actually want to do it anymore than he did at the start but was just playing it safe?

I don't know, the whole thing is so odd. If we're supposed to think Stolas actually learnt that he had coercive power over Blitzo and had been taking advantage of him, you'd think he'd be horrified with himself. And I mean actually horrified, not just lip service in a duet number that he forgets about when he acts shocked that Blitzo doesn't think highly of him.

You'd think he'd give a flat 'you don't need to come for the next few months' sort of statement while he was arranging the crystal.

You'd think he'd question his entire self perception and worldview.

But he doesn't. Just like the writing he doesn't really commit to the idea he's done wrong because he still wants to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't truly understand the power imbalance because if he did he wouldn't be doing the passive aggression routine at all. He'd leave Blitzo alone until he could get the crystal or make it very, very clear that his 'still come over if you want' invite does not include sex.

Despite giving lip service to the idea he's a monster he obviously still thinks of himself as a good person because he starts with the whimpering and crying about how Blitzo doesn't think highly of him. It's just so back and forth - does he understand he raped Blitzo or not?

even during the start of his full moon speech when Blitzo panics and immediately comes on to him Stolas blushes and looks like he got within an inch of giving in and just enjoying sex with Blitzo again. this on a night when he's supposed to be breaking off the arrangement and should find the way Blitzo immediately tries to sexually appease him horrifying if he actually understood the coercive power he held over him all this time

and honestly 'sex addict who has wrecked his life through poor impulse control' would work as a character profile in a dark comedy sketch show like hb was supposed to be, but in an oh so serious adult show that Addresses Abuse (TM) it seems reasonable to suggest Stolas be sent immediately to rehab and to someone who can teach him the ABCs of consent, since he's apparently in dire need of both

All of this. Stolas has canonically already learned the ABCs of consent and understood how imbalanced and horrifying his treatment of Blitzo was, only to immediately turn face and become worse than ever the instant Blitzo didn't kiss his feet. But according to Viv and according to the standom, there's no limit to how many "chances" he deserves to redeem himself. As long as he puts on a flimsy veneer of "trying" to get better, he can rape Blitzo as many times as he wants and it's all Blitzo's fault.

[hermitw]

I love kenjaku as a symbol of faceless evil. existing in anyone after carving out their souls. (swear he eats the brain of the next vessel before inhabiting it - kenjaku is a brain w teeth. TEETH. what else would they be for)

so often in fiction, faceless evil is represented by a bald person. no hair, no eyebrows = no dimension, just a soulless robot or criminal with no story of their own.

jjk doesn't have any of that. the baldest person is Juzo, who still had a lot of defining (even iconic and admirable) traits and I love him so much.

Anyway!! after reading some posts about the bald polls, it rly... validated the bitterness I felt while skipping over them. what if I'm bald AND have an opinion?

it feels like they don't think bald people can read, can see the polls, can have a soul. I'm not condemning anyone who has posted or voted or shared these - I don't consider it a serious issue, but I'm going to ramble a bit about baldness (and feel free to rb w your own bald thoughts) after realizing that there are irl implications.

being bald is... such a wide spectrum of choice, necessity and security. there are a lot of reasons for it.

whether it's for medical, spiritual, mental, financial, sensory etc. reasons...

I guess mine have always been a combination.

the first time I was bald was nearly 10 years ago. it was by choice then, to avoid the embarrassment of hat hair after walking to school. I was Very insecure about the way it looked. specifically, like that one star wars character w the tall bald head (which is bc I was in the habit of holding my head down, genuinely just holding my head higher would have changed appearance greatly but I had no idea then). I laughed about it, sent my friend a picture of us side by side, and decided I could never shave my head again. my head shape was weird. it was exposed and ugly and I was not allowed to wear hats in school.

my neighbor immediately thought that I had cancer. if I did, then I would not want anyone to know that at a glance. I'd want privacy. I didn't want anyone to feel so exposed like that, I wanted baldness to be normalized and even fashionable.

I guess the next time I shaved my head was for financial reasons. it's cheaper to spend $10 on a clearance shaving item than to buy hair care products. I'd spend years trying to grow it back but wearing hats 24/7, which kills hair. so I'd have to shave it again. eventually was able to grow some back. it was probably falling out from stress, I kept getting cortisol rashes etc around then.

the next time I shaved my head was, I guess for spiritual or mental health reasons. I felt secure that way, I liked it, I dressed in ways that felt true to myself. I learned that dressing in any way perceived as "femme" makes old men feral online and irl when you are bald.

I learned that walking outside dressed "masc" made me perceived as suspicious. Just for existing in public. it was weird, more severe than the looks of white women when i walk into their place of business dressed "alternative" or they can't discern my gender at a glance (I have a lot of privilege here, I know poc have to deal w this on another level all the time and if anyone wants to add to this, pls go for it).

since covid, I've found it impossible to decently grow hair. it takes 10x longer for me than average anyway, and has 99% been a means of insecurity or shame or coercive control. I'll always be missing out on the scene kid hair, but at this point I do love and prefer being bald.

I do feel insecure about it sometimes though. I feel weird knowing that I have the traits to do a thukuna cosplay. I don't have the heart to bc that would bring out my biggest lifelong insecurities.

recently come to realize that it's an effect of chronic illness for having hair to be rly painful. like, 2 weeks of growth is all you can manage before it's a sensory hell. I wonder what it would be like to not be this way.

the best feeling in the world is a soft bald head, the breeze against it, etc. but it can also get rly cold or very easily burn in the sun (giant headache for days) and if you have to wear a hair net, that is the itchiest thing ever.

it means that if I sit in a patch of sunlight, my head becomes like a lighthouse in the break room.

I began removing my eyebrows years before shaving my head (I used to pull them out. sometimes they'd grow back). by now I've accepted that I just cannot feel like myself with them. every time I remove eyebrows, it's like I recognize my reflection again.

depending on the setting, people are still not used to it. no one who knows me reacts at all at this point, but if I stream online without eyebrows, it's like half the comments. where are they, what happened to your eyebrows, why didn't you draw them on. at this point I'm resorting to "eyebrows are stupid and I don't respect them" or some other borderline brainrot reply.

my streams seem to be a lot more popular when I have both hair (fake) and eyebrows (even if they're just some shape drawn on). then we can talk about other relevant topics. idgi.

Anyway!! being bald has brought a lot of humorous opportunities. it means taking off a wig with cosplay makeup still on and cracking up at my reflection. there are so many jokes that I can make, but the joke is never the baldness itself. it isn't "haha! this person is bald so their personhood is somehow revoked". it's the context, it's the autonomy.

it also means that people don't know how to react to you or what jokes they can make (understandable). I was sad to find out that my work friends had been making jokes for months behind my back. like, if they'd see me outside or anything they'd point and say "bald!" and the way they said it was so funny (and at this point I was very secure in my baldness). we were all very autistic and they'd loudly stim, so this was rly chill and I just wish I'd been included. I also hope I wasn't reflecting sunlight in the break room for a year without realizing it.

it's also weird to navigate though, because why did I get insecure when my best friend said that I reminded them of a star trek character? but when a stranger said "I mean this in the best way possible, you remind me of powder" (idk anything about that movie but I looked it up and it was so funny I tried to dress more like that guy immediately. I guess the way we dressed and makeup matched pretty well there, maybe that was the difference - especially since my head was covered when they said it).

in the end, I can't hold this against anyone because my insecurities are my own to deal with, and they're right, we do look alike.

and there are a lot of people who choose to not have hair, who love it and feel true to themselves. but there are also a lot of us who haven't reached that point, so I guess it's a case by case thing.

ultimately it's not that serious (I mean, there's a lot of more serious issues, this feels rly trivial to write out but i have a lot of privilege so idek).

I wonder what the history/origin is of bald, eyebrowless characters being a symbol of faceless evil. ughhhhh I might have to look this up. if anyone knows pls share it w me

[dyssonant-skyline]

What happened with helluva boss season 2? I decided to pick it up and watch it since its free and I was curious about how the sins were handled. (This is a stream of consciousness rant, but I needed to get it all out.)

I thought the first season was okay, with some episodes being stronger than others, but holy shit it really is the Stolas show now. Striker is doing more assassin work than them. I actually got my hopes up for a mystery plus assassination plot in unhappy campers, shouldn't expect shit around here though.

I don't think I can say anything that hasn't already been said about Stolas. I don't like him. If his relationship with Blitzo was less coercive or less sexual I think I'd like him more? It is impossible to empathize with a guy who is using his power to force someone into sex.

I also felt a bit weird that the show would put something sexual in front of a child character and that was the entire joke.

Like, that's an audience of teens watching Millie and Moxie make out and I assume fuck. Gross, but also just not funny? I don't remember if these are the only instances of it, but two is still two too many imo.

I know I said I wasn't going to comment on vivziepop as a person, but knowing how she treats her staff... its impossible to not conflate her with Mammon. 2 Minute Notice feels like an anthem for her overworked underpaid staff.

I also have opinions on the way a circus and clowns are portrayed in the hellaverse, but I don't think I can really put them into words. I have a friend who is fixated on clowns and clown trivia and idk. After talking to them about different types of clowns most clown characters just ring hollow to me. Especially the fish twins, I don't care what anyone tells me they were NOT clowns.

I don't think I'll incorporate anything from helluva boss into my rewrite, Hellbound Hostel. But I did like a couple of things a lot!!!

Fizz is a pretty cool design and has a palette that is loud while also being appealing. If I ever drew non redesign fanart for these series it would be of him. I think it helps that the majority of his features tie to his backstory in some way. That being said, I'm not crazy about his relationship with Ozzie.

The little metal rings and filigree around angelic weapons is a neat design choice. Good visual storytelling and all.

That's about it... orz If anyone wants to talk abt it with me my askbox is open.

[the-bigger-fish]

You know, I'm not normally the type of guy to post this sort of thing but I really want to get it off my chest....

I really enjoy Viv's shows and general works. Like, for some weird reason Helluva Boss (and to a lesser extent, Viv's body of work as a whole) has become a show i hyper fixate on the likes of which haven't been seen since I was a Transformers Prime and MLP fan back in 2010.... BUT that being said, I also find myself also very critical of her works for a lot of reasons as well. (Not as a hater, but as someone who loves the show and wants to see it improve.)

Which then leads to the reason why I wanted to get this off my chest... Stolas is a good character, heck he might even be a GREAT character..... On paper, that is.... Like, he has all the elements for what could be a really interesting and nuanced character and antagonist of the show (Antagonist meaning "Someone who contends with or opposes the Protagonist, not necessarily meaning he's evil...) Like, having a well meaning, but sheltered, privileged, and ignorant man make a mistake in the throws of passion that causes not just turmoil in his family whom he loves dearly, but also with his friends and many others as well and thus tries to make things up to everyone? That's genuinely an incredibly arc for a guy to go through and honestly quite fitting for a show that aspires to ape plays and theater so much, too. It's just that... The show never really seems to be interested/able to show him going through this arc it seems? Like, I'm not sure if it's a production issue given that animation is hard, a monthly-ish web animation is probably even harder and you can't cover everything you would want to realistically in the show proper. (Which honestly makes me wish we had side comics or prose to compliment the episodes and shorts as well, because it genuinely feels that we missed a chapter or three at times...) But like, it feels like we're told Stolas is one thing (Kind, loving father, ignorant and delusional yes, but does try his best to make things up when he realizes he's screwed up.) and then shown an entirely different character instead. (Coercive, airheaded and easily distracted to the point of forgetting important things like his daughter and the like, classist, and more than a bit obsessive towards Blitzo and way to stuck in his own world to actually be able to right his own wrongs.) And as we all know what Rule 1 of storytelling is, ESPECIALLY visual storytelling like animation:

SHOW, DON'T TELL

Now, I'm not saying Stolas has to be perfect (in all honesty, the fact he's so deeply flawed makes him farm ore engaging in a "Greek Tragedy/Shakespearian type of way fittingly enough) it's just, it feels like the show wants us to view characters and plots in general as one way, while showing us something completely different from what we've been told. (And honestly, that just might be the result of general teething issues regarding the show's hard switch from "Dark comedy where Logic and consistency need not matter as long as the joke lands" to "More serious character drama where actions do have consequences, no matter how far fetched they might be.")

Which isn't to say I'm blindly bashing the show or hating on Stolas or Viv, I think both the show and him has a lot going for it and that some of the more vocal critics take things way too far when it comes to criticizing Stolas and the show, it's just I'm saying this from the bottom of my heart as a fan what my biggest problem with some of my favorite aspects of the show are and hope they can be improved upon because dang it, I really wanna see this show be as great as i know it can be! Same with my birdy boi, too!

(P.S. Stolas totally got his fortune paving the entirety of Hell's roads with his good intentions. That's just facts right there.)

(P.P.S. If this does well enough, maybe I might write more writing critiques and general thoughts as a whole. Let me know what you guys think.)

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #571

...I gotta say, I'm really enjoying this new keyboard. Writing to you is a lot less stressful now that everything is working properly. All of the keys type exactly one letter when I press them. None of them fail to type letters. None of them type double or triple letters (this has been a thing since initially purchasing the laptop – very annoying). So now, I'm back to typing between 75-80 words per minute, which is really nice (I don't type with all my fingers, and I don't use “home” position, but I also don't need to look; I'm not sure if there's a word for my typing style, such as it is); getting my thoughts out quickly is important, because sometimes they'll crumble and fade away before I get them written on the screen; I really hate when that happens. It's like trying to hold onto the fragments of a dream. Or maybe it's more like trying to hold too much wet sand in your hands.

I went to my shift at work today, but it was weird. Instead of doing the usual 9am until 1pm, today's shift was from 1pm until 7pm. So I had lots of time in the morning to do whatever. I used my “whatever” time to make myself some hotdogs and peel myself an orange!!

I also hung out with J. He was supposed to go do gliders, but... I was home. So he chilled at home with me. And that felt really nice. I had lots of extra time after eating, so I used it to breathe life into today's wishes for ya:

Tr was there when I got into work. But as it turned out, she needed to leave very soon after I got in; for whatever reason, she decided to give me an affectionate smack on my tush on the way out??? Which I don't mind, coming from her or from other people I feel close to and know well; her intentions definitely were not sexual or coercive or intimidating or entitled in any way, whatsoever. But we did discover that I squeak awkwardly when I'm harmlessly startled in such a fashion during a non-focus-intensive task, and then we both laughed really hard at that; it was pretty freaking great!

I'd be comfortable with similar behavior from Ka, too; she also knows me well and has no sexual intentions towards me. I'd accept similar from my friend R, my friend A and his husbands, my friend BB, and my friend V (not that any of them would). They are male, a trio of males, female, and non-binary, respectively. But they all know me well, and I trust them; it is, in my head, with them at least, just a silly form of platonic intimacy. They'd all just want me to laugh; they wouldn't be trying to do some weird power play or get their jollies off.

I would not, at this time, accept such a thing from anyone else who is not already a romantic partner. Most other people are not close enough to me for that. And the one who is close enough to me for that currently does have sexual intentions towards me (which is not unwelcome, but the requisite 6 months have not yet elapsed) that my brain would not be able to separate from the action.

Basically... I'd be comfortable with it from a person who I am certain is using the gesture as an expression of established closeness and trust and as a means to affectionately elicit surprised joy. I would not be comfortable with it from a person with whom I do not feel trust and closeness, or from a person I'd have to question whether or not they're using it as an excuse to gratify themself by touching my butt without my consent (M and J have that consent as well as trust and closeness). Male, female, non-binary, intersex, trans, it doesn't matter.

In any case, I had the department basically to myself from 1pm until 7pm. It was kinda lonely and anxiety-producing, to be sure. So as I did my tasks, I sang - to the familiar songs on the radio playing on the store sound system, and to the songs playing in my own head. I put cookies in boxes, sliced up Italian bread, labeled everything and put it out, set up kaiser rolls on trays for baking tomorrow morning, and helped customers in between. And after all that, of course, I sliced, bagged, and labeled the remaining breads, put the used trays back where they go, took out the trash, recycled the cardboard, wiped down the tables and bread case, swept, mopped, and made everything look neat and tidy. I got a lot done in 6 hours, and I'm not feeling completely demolished – just a little drained, is all.

The guy who Ka said was flirting with me returned at some point today for another sourdough loaf. This will be the third time he's come to chatter a little with me while doing that, for reasons I don't fully understand. His name is Steve, I guess. I don't find him unpleasant, but I assume he has better things to do with his life than talk to some random, chubby, out-of-shape, socially awkward, going-on-middle-aged grocery store grunt. Most folks come, get their bread, make a small amount of obligatory small talk, and leave. This one speaks in more than just the obligatory ways with which I've grown accustomed in this space. And it's not a bad thing; I just... I wonder why.

Also notably, a pair of Portuguese women came in looking for “braided buns”. Thankfully, one of the women had her phone, and I had mine, so we made ample use of Google Translate to bridge the language gap. Sadly, we didn't have what they were looking for; the only thing we have that's braided is some strudel, which we didn't have, and some challah, which wasn't what they were looking for. So they moved on.

...Though I was by myself, overall, I had a fun day at work. I'm tired – too tired to work on any music box today. But... I feel content. I got home, and decided that tacos were the thing. So I got tacos:

...I wonder if you like tacos. I wonder if you've had tacos before...

...I wanna write to you some more, but I should get ready for bed soon. J wanted to wake up early to play Valheim with me. This time, we'll be able to fight Eikthyr; I am eager to get a pickaxe in his hands and see what he does with it...!!!

So I guess for now, I'll bid you good night. I love you so much, and I hope you're keeping yourself safe out there.

...Please try really hard to avoid making choices that lead to a gaggle of protagonists beating you up, okay? I don't want that to happen to you anymore. I don't wanna see you get beaten and slashed and bloodied up anymore. I don't wanna see you getting hurt anymore. So try really hard, okay? Promise me? Please?

I'll write again tomorrow. Hopefully all about J's new adventures with the pickaxe we get from crafting with Eikthyr's horns. Wish us luck...

Your friend, Lumine

[bogkeep]

more ill-advised opinionposting. whatever

"sighs. what is it this time" "idk i keep seeing so many people blame gen z for being so 'puritan' and contributing to an anti sex culture and i'm not sure if it's like, the fault of young people with very little power, and not the old people with a lot of power making laws and stuff. or the culture of a nation built on puritan ideals maybe."

like first off is gen z really so puritan or do we just have too much access to cross-generational takes thanks to the internet. or do we just see a lot of ragebait thanks to the internet. maybe things really are different!! but also we have the internet now. i don't think teens are stupid!! teens tend to be really smart!! but also being a teen By Definition means somewhat limited life experience and also a lot fewer rights and power in a really big and complicated world. also i guess a lot of gen z aren't teens anymore but like. Young People. you know what i mean

like obviously i think we as a society should be more chill about sex and i think it would be great if young people had a more relaxed relationship to it also. i'm a big fan of the concept of sex neutrality. i'm a big fan of people getting to decide what to do with their own bodies. all my love to sex workers and erotica artists out there. i really don't think some obscure dubcon fic on ao3 is the downfall of western civilization. but i do remember what it was like to be an asexual teen and feeling just constantly pressured into interacting with sexuality.

i grew up in a perfectly sex-positive household in an atheist culture and i had no issues with other people doing whatever, but i was so deeply, deeply uncomfortable with anyone insinuating or assuming anything sex-related about me. some of it was helplessly grappling with my autism and ocd and asexuality, but it's a LOT easier to figure out your relationship to sexuality when you're no longer in middle- or high school!! teens are awful!! classmates would ask me if i'm straight or gay and i would sincerely answer that i don't know, and somehow their reaction to that was shouting to the whole class that i was a necrophiliac. my own internet friends whomst i loved dearly would send me condoms for my 16th birthday and write a fanfic about my future self where i would meet their headcanon for my ideal husband because they had been theorizing about what my sex life would be like. one of our teachers made a legitimate effort to give us good and comprehensive sex ed, but like, everyone was constantly giggling and making jokes and making it very difficult for anyone to take anything seriously or ask genuine questions. and yeah, this was before there was any widespread understanding of sexuality, so the assumption was very much that people who didn't want sex had something deeply medically wrong with them or were really super repressed. those were the only options!! and when enough people insist that you're Really Super Repressed and that you simply MUST have sex, it starts to feel a teensy bit coercive! god, i do Not miss being a teen.

i know times are... Weird. i know we live in a weird digital soup. i know we see young people make ignorant statements all the time and it feels dire. and at the same time, there's an obsession with gatekeeping teens from anything even remotely sexual, and i get Why, it's a Safety Thing, but also it's such a weird hipocrisy. to one moment despair over how uncomfortable young people are with sex, and another moment chase them with a broom if they look at some horny art. there's adults out there who should definitely know better who think it's Bad to teach teens sex ed. it seems to me that it's Not just young people who are steeped in puritanism. The Puritanism Comes From Somewhere, methinks.

iiiii don't know what's a good solution for young people to become more comfortable in their own skin, but i don't think pressuring them or condescending to them is gonna help? better and more accessible education, maybe. working to wear down stigma and shame. fighting unjust laws and regulations. i used to take courses for a program made to educate teenagers about sexuality, gender and breaking down normative thinking, and we were explicitly told that we cannot expect to see results immediately (though i have some very fond memories of kids that DID catch on really fast). We had to see it more as planting a seed, providing a foundation for thoughts to flourish later. sometimes that's the best you can do!

or maybe i'm wrong about the state of the world because i'm not on tiktok and never will be. peace

[corviddusk]

thoughts on "afab transfems"? never heard of this before and I'm . . . confused

I don't like the term myself as a focus on AGAB is always bad and I generally despise the AGAB terminology- even cAGAB annoys me. People assume that AFAB = XX chromosomes, titties, vulva, vagina, functioning uterus with both ovaries, proper perisex (non-intersex) puberty and AMAB = XY chromosomes, flat chest, dick and balls, functioning testes, proper perisex puberty.

When in reality AFAB usually means "kinda looked closest to female on the day they were born or we chopped off their dick or otherwise mutilated them to look female" and AMAB usually means "kinda looked closest to male on the day they were born or we did surgery to make their dick into a proper phallus"

Transfems could have been AFAB, cAFAB, AMAB, or cAMAB or even AXAB. I'm an intersex person with likely Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia (unsure if complete classical or incomplete non-classical) and I was given the F designation at birth. Doesn't matter that I was practically raised as a boy, doesn't matter I was told I wasn't a real girl and bullied relentlessly for my masculine features and body. Doesn't matter my puberty was so atypical my parents freaked out and considered getting me placed on hormones for a while out of hopes I could be less of a freak in their eyes. I'm nowadays looking to get on estrogen and as my genitalia is ambiguous I want to get bottom surgery. Not going to get into it too much but I don't have proper anatomy according to my own dysphoria.

Intersex people are an awkward category as many of us will transition one way or another or get on a mix of hormones. I was transitioning transmasculinely for a while but I realized I've actually been transfeminine all this time and merely had no way to understand that was a possibility for me. I had dysphoria so I assumed it meant I had to want to be a man because I had an F marker at birth even while being treated more like a boy who was effeminate than I ever was a girl. I've since learned with my discovery of my own intersex condition from mishaps with hormones and my doctor informing me of strangeness with my natural production of testosterone, that I can transition to be more feminine. And that's what makes me happy now.

I'm starting to actually wear feminine clothes for the first time in a way I genuinely like and want. I'm learning how to do makeup which is something I never learned before. I can't do my nails that well either but I'm practicing and my partner sometimes paints them for me. I'm growing out my hair and looking into laser hair removal for my face. I'm also trying to find a proper doctor so I can get on estrogen. I may not have the same experiences as women who were AMAB in fact I believe those women actively have it worse due to the added layer of issues. But I can empathize and sympathize with having an M gender marker legally while coming out as Transfem, I can relate to many experiences.

In fact due to my birth certificate some of the new laws against my sisters will not affect me as much and I gain MASSIVE privilege even if it be from a coercive way of labeling my intersex body as it won't belong (to be clear I want to have an X gender marker but if I have one that's F I won't mind that much).

Basically AFAB transfem is an annoying term because we should not focus on AGAB. I'm not an AFAB. I'm not an AFAB transfem. Nobody is AFAB as an identity, gender assignment at birth is not identity it's an event that happened to you. And for many it is traumatic. I don't define my existence by my traumas. I may define myself as a survivor of some traumas but I am not the trauma itself.

Yes transfems who were AFAB have privilege in some capacities over transfems who were AMAB. Which is why I myself acknowledge I'm a weird area of TMA sometimes and TME at other times. (I'm more TMA than transmascs for example but less than many of my sisters who objectively struggle more.)

[olderthannetfic]

I have a question. I’m new to the discourse around fanfiction & censorship, so I was curious about what the general consensus regarding fic about underaged characters in live action media was. Underage is my biggest squick, but I feel pretty neutral about how people write/draw smut of cartoon characters, as they barely register as human for me. Characters played by actual child actors though… I guess I’m just wondering what’s going through the heads of people who write that stuff? Or minor rpf for that matter. What is appealing about it? I’m willing suspend my disbelief & accept that they don’t actually want to abuse kids, but like, what is fulfilling about that fantasy? I’m not in favor of censorship or arresting anyone over a fictional story, but I just can’t wrap my head around it.

--

That's quite a failure of imagination there, anon.

Other people are not you, and they don't necessarily have this squick. That's the main answer.

From people who don't try to problematize this, there isn't really any discourse. Fiction is fiction.

Cartoon characters register as people to plenty of viewers. (And moron antis think cartoon characters count just as much as live action ones when it comes to screaming about problematicness.) Actors playing teenagers are often in their 20s. Coming of age novels dealing with sexuality have been normal all over the world since forever.

--

But let's start with some low hanging fruit:

If you're 17 years + 364 days, you're below the age of consent lots of places. Do you, anon, honestly think it's weird to be into someone one day before their 18th birthday but not the day after? What if you live somewhere where the age of consent is 16? Is it still weird to be into 17-year-olds from places where the age of consent is 18?

Most people remember being teenagers. They may feel nostalgic. They may want to imagine the nice teenage experiences they never got to have.

Lots of fic writers are currently teenagers. Not as many as ageist online spaces think, but still quite a lot. Is it weirder for a 15-year-old to have a crush on a 15-year-old than a 40-year-old?

"They looked 18, Your Honor" is a weak-ass excuse for fucking underage people in real life, but that's not the same as finding characters on your tv hot. Not only are the actors usually above 18 because filming underage actors is a fucking nightmare logistically due to work constraints, but a lot of younger actors are often made up in ways that make them look like they could be way older. People also vary widely in how they look at various ages.

If you can accept that lust exists and is valid, you can accept that lots of people will see some teen and think they're hot. There isn't some specific categorical difference in how all teenagers look and how all 20-somethings look.

Doing something about it in real life and doing something about it in fiction are different.

--

Now, as for "child actors", that term is used for a wide variety of ages, but let's assume you mean Stranger Things wank, like most people moaning about underage actor RPF do, so we're talking about tweens who genuinely do look pretty young to grown-ass adults.

The first thing I have to ask you is why the fuck you would imagine that writers identify with some adult fucking these kids? It's far, far more likely that they identify with the characters themselves or the actors.

Why would they identify with them? It could be anything from working through their own trauma at a similar age to just liking the vibe of a character because of how the show is written.

Lots of people's brains barf out dark scenarios 24/7 without them ever having experienced any major trauma and without it meaning anything much. Some people channel that into fiction.

If you are a boring person who has both a vanilla brain and no imagination, this might seem surprising to you, but it shouldn't.

--

Moreover, your ask implies that underage fic is highly sexual or maybe coercive or something, but you haven't actually stated that. Are we talking about rapefic of 5-year-olds or about someone writing the Stranger Things characters holding hands?

Are you just not sexual at all, anon? Personally, I went from zero to MEGA HORNY at thirteen and a half. It was like a switch flipped. Sure, I wasn't getting any action because I was a zit-covered and socially incompetent 13-year-old, but I was definitely interested.

It's not strange that an artist or author of whatever sort would explore puberty in their art. It's not strange that they'd remember their own sexual awakening or that this awakening would be long before age 18.

It's also not strange if people write super dark shit about small children because it being extreme and taboo and horrible is often the point of art.

--

You're "willing to suspend disbelief"? How magnanimous! How generous!

Seriously, anon?!

The way you've phrased this question makes it sound like you have a brain the size of a walnut.

Would you ask such a stupid question in such an offensively loaded manner about all the coming of age novels that are considered Great Literature™? Would you ask why YA exists?

And if you wouldn't, why is it that amateur writing by women and sexual minorities makes you nervous when mainstream-approved things don't?