#its 10:42 pm i need to get ready for bed

[tiangouaway]

obey me akudama drive au. hm......

[midday0nightmares]

24 - through the night.

previous chapter number 4.

m.list.

warnings: this series contains themes of yandere\mafia, blood, violence, mental health, drugs, non-con.

author note: this is pure fiction and it is not intended to romanticize any of the situations mentioned bellow.

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8:11 pm

You pushed the fluffy covers off and hoped off of the high bed, dragging your feet to the bathroom to wake yourself up. The untouched food was waiting for you, the thoughtful warms your heart. You flipped through the channels looking for something to interest you, settling for a cheap action movie to watch while you ate the cold meal.

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9:42 pm

It’s getting late, guess no fun for you in this trip..

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10:53 pm

Are they seriously staying late and leaving you alone? That’s when you notice that jeno’s bag is gone.. it can’t be, did he leave?

.

11:28 pm

You look outside the window, everything I closed, the road is empty.. are they staying out all night? You huff.

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12:17 am 

Maybe you stop waiting and just sleep they are grown ass men, but what If something’s wrong.. you can’t help but to worry.

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01:06 am

You stir awake to the sound of the door peeps announcing someone’s arrival. you sit up on the bed in anticipation, you swallow a knot of anxiety as the door slowly opens, you let go a breathe of relief when you see jaemin’s face, finally.

“Where have you been?” It comes out louder than you intended it to be, your feet taking you closer to him as he walks in, he doesn’t answer you but still gives you a weak smile, his hands stops you before you can wrap yourself around him. he pushes you back deeper into the room. confused, you can see the words hanging off of his lips as he wants to say something, you impatiently wait for him to speak.

Jeno comes behind him, struggling with his suitcase, he drags it to the bathroom.The strange behavior takes your attention away from jaemin, the wheels in your head turns trying to figure what was he doing. Slowly you begin to build a terrifying idea, horror washes over you turning you pale. he drops the suitcase on the floor, its heavy weight makes the ground under your feet shake.. the fine hairs on the back of you neck raises.

your heart was throbbing in your ears, loud and irregular,

“sera” jaemin calls your name,

but you barely hear it, as your mind was clouded with fear, he gently shakes you “listen to me” he tries to calm you, but it’s too late, panic has already setted in.

he tries to pushes you down to sit you on the floor, now that you are standing in the farthest point of the bathroom door, between the bed and the window, but you are frozen in your place, your eyes are transfixed on the suitcase, you can’t stop watching as jeno closes the door.

Plastic, thats all you can hear.. something plastic begin unfolded. A feeling of dread crept up from the pit of your stomach, it’s too much for you to withstand, your knees buckle from beneath you collapsing you to the floor.

Tremors take over you, you look at at jaemin through a blurred vision, wanting him to deny what you think is happing, but he doesn’t.

The sharp sound of the suitcase being unzipped echos in the bathroom, he tries to calm you down as your teeth chattered in fear, his hands cup your face “shhh.. here” he take his AirPods case and puts the earbuds in your ears, they connect to his phone “here, listen to music okay? Don’t take them off and don’t move okay?”.

You open your mouth to speak but you choke, irregular shakes take over your hands, you don’t realize you were crying until his thumbs wiped the tears from under your eyes, “stay here” he repeats holding your face to make you look at him “don’t come close to that door” he only lets go after you’ve nod, he plays a song from his playlist and turn the volume to the highest setting, discounting you from the noise surrounding you. he puts the phone in your hands before he gets up and leave to join jeno.

Time dragged through you at an aginzing pace, each minute passed brought you closer to madness, the horror has became a living creature, it crept over your skin like a hungry beast. You sat in the same exact spot for hours, not daring to move. shaking and on the brink of losing your sanity. It didn’t take you long before you  started praying to god to make it stop, but as always, his ears were deff to your prayers.

Hours passed with the same song replaying itself for the thousandth times, the explosive horror that toke over you before has melted into a cold lump of disfigured sadness mixed with sickness, it sat on your heart. The black sky turning blue outside, You were exhausted and worn out.

Jaemin comes into your view, scaring you for a second. You gasp and jump in your place, he shows his open palms to you in non-threatening manner, your eyes scan him for anything, you note that he’s not wearing the same clothes he was the last time you saw him. he crouches down in front of you, the strong stench of bleach coming from him, your stomach twist and you hold down the need to throw up. you scoot away from him in fear, he singles for you to take out the earbuds. He looks at you for a minute, your hand clawed in fists, your eyebrows noted in distress as hot tears fill in your eyes again. he sighs and looks away, that’s when you notice the dark red spot under his ear. the sharp intake of air you made, the way your eyes were struck, staring at his neck, and your tense body, they all screamed to him that he missed a spot. He quickly wipes the spot your eyes were looking at, cursing under his breath when his fingers return red, he gets up and walk away..

The cheerful birds chirping outside contrasted the grim atmosphere in the room, your stiff joints crack as you stand up, you carefully look around the room, scared your eyes may land on something you don’t want to see. But it’s just you and him, the room looks the same, the bathroom door is wide open with jaemin in it washing his hands, it looks like nothing had happened.. clean.

he comes out drying his hands and starts packing his belongs, he avoids your eyes. 

“what the hell jaemin?!” You yell at him, encouraged by jeno’s absence, a heavy sigh leaves him while he keeps his back to you.

“is this what you’ve become now?” Your voice crack as you choke, for some reason you feel betrayed by him. You sit on the edge of the bed, hot tears flow down your face, it’s not until a pained sob breaks free from you that he turns to you.

 “he was a very bad man, look at me..” He stretches his hand to you, 

but you doge his touch “don’t you fucking touch me!” you get away from him “your a criminal and a killer!” Your voice rising as well as your emotions. He takes one step towards you, he towers over you, “keep your voice down” his tone threatening enough to shut you down, but the angry hot breathes that fanned over your face, the jaw muscles that seethed under his skin, and the icy look in his eyes have crushed your newly regained courage. 

You try to clam your cries as you watch his hands picking the items from around the room and throwing then into his bag, not believing what they have done, what they are capable of. shiver ran down your spine at the thought, you bite your bottom lip and look away, you look outside the window trying to distract yourself.

The room’s door opens and jeno walks in, he exchange looks with jaemin and nods his head confirming something to him, something you wish didn’t understand, but unfortunately you do. Unlike jaemin he looks unbothered, normal, absolutely no guilt. you look at him with and you just hate him, you despise him. you force yourself to look away from him.

He points at you, “Why the hell is she crying now?” He asks jaemin, destine evident in his voice. you panic and do your best to tame your cries and wipe your tears, you were scared of him, of his anger, of what he could do to you.

Jaemin throws you a glance as you try to recompose yourself, but the four cold eyes that were starring at you in this particular situation are making it extremely difficult for you not cry. Jaemin shrugs his shoulders and returns to packing. strong wave of hurt hit you when he turned his back to you, it felt like he had given up on you, leaving you for jeno to take care of. 

Jeno on the other hand had his hands on his hips, anger storm rising in his chest, he walks towards you and collapses on yourself in fear, pathetic pleads for forgiveness falling out of your mouth as you cry harder, he grabs your arm and pick you up, his grip threatening to snap your bone into two pieces, you cry in pain but it doesn’t faze him. “Stop crying! You want to gets us caught huh?” He violently shakes you “huh?” He demands an answer, you shake your head denying his accusations “no” your crying getting louder..

“I don’t have time for you and your childish tantrums! cut it out” he shoves you to the wall and turns, he picks the car keys with him and slams the door behind him.

You lean against the wall, tears streaming down your cheeks. You were unable to left your head feeling overpowered and too broken, your hands shaking as you gasp for air between the hiccups, yet again pitying yourself.

 Jeamin who was quietly watching, sighs. his feet comes into your view, this time you don’t flinch away when his hand land on your hair and his fingers run through it. he holds your your chin and make you look up at him, his eyes watching the misery floating over your tired features. he tsk and wipes your tears away. you lean into his warm palm, your own hand holds his wrist to keep his in place, you squeeze his arm as a silent plea. he takes you in his chest, his arms wrapping around you, his tight hold reassures you. he keeps you close until you pulled away ready to leave before jeno comes back angrier than before.

You slip into your shoes and put on your jacket, you want to zip it up to keep the clod out but you can’t, you can’t still your freezing fingers enough to do it, his hands take the zipper from your fingers and he zips it up for you, your face heating up as he looks down at you and ruffles your hair. Again, he sighs and takes out his sunglasses and puts them on your face to cover your puffy eyes, you cried too much tonight.

[hobbitingryffindor]

Don’t respond after 9 pm

So I've never written fanfic before, but apparently, I'm pissed at Jane. Please be kind, but also let me know if I should continue. I have a few other rules and scenes in mind. I have no idea if this will grow into anything more. Constructive feedback would be great.

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Maura was ruminating. It was never good when she couldn’t get through her Saturday morning yoga session, but these days, it was becoming the norm. So after she finished her cup of tea, she locked herself in her yoga room, rolled out her yoga mat, and settled in with herself.

She had rules. They were new, and it was hard to keep to them some days, but they were there because she knew better. She knows she deserves more. She may not have had an attentive family growing up, but she knows her worth, or at least she’s gotten better at reminding herself. She knows what they have goes beyond friendship. She also knows it will never be more. Jane just keeps holding back the final piece of the puzzle. She could resign herself to a lifetime of this sexually charged and emotionally mediocre but never fulfilling relationship OR she could take a step back from Jane and a step forward for herself. But last night she forgot. She forgot the first rule she put in place almost a month ago.

1 - Don’t respond to Jane after 9 pm

Recognizing the anxious feeling that started in her chest, she told herself that it was a slip-up and it wouldn’t happen again. But she couldn’t help but grab her phone and reread last night’s messages.

10:36: J - Hey, you still up?

10:42: M - Just finished Bass’ enrichment and heading up to bed.

It had been such a simple response, it just floated out of her fingertips. She was so used to just always responding to Jane.

10:43: J- Enrichment? You can just say that you were in the sandbox hiding food for Bass to find.

10:44: M- Fine yes, I was reading his namesake’s new foreword in “Skeletal biology and bioarchaeology of the Northwestern Plains” while bass dug up the cactus leaves and strawberries I hid in his sandbox.

10:44: J- You make my night of watching the Sox lose seem like an exciting night

10:45: M- What can I say? We love to party over here.

10:45: J- I don’t know when it started, but you’ve gotten really good at sarcasm

10:46: M- You must be rubbing off on me ;-)

As Maura reread that line, she couldn’t help but cringe a little. She really couldn’t stop herself from going there last night, it was yet another small slip up, that showed how their friendship was always a little more than friendship.

10:59: J- I feel like I haven’t seen you at all this week, is the morgue backlogged?

11:04: M- It’s no busier than usual. Actually a little less so without a murder yet this month.

11:04: J- Give it time, Boston can’t go more than 2 weeks without a new murder. Have you been in court on other cases this week? I went to see if you could grab lunch a few times and I never caught you.

11:05: M- We must have just missed each other, I did lunch out of the office a few times.

11:07: J- You going to fancy places without me now?

11:09: M - Really Jane, any place that doesn’t allow jeans, you label as fancy. But no, a friend from my residency, Erica, did a few guest lectures at BCU. I caught one of her lectures and we had lunch a few times.

11:09: J- I see how it is, replacing me with other genii.

Reading this for a second time feels like a needle in her chest, last night it paralyzed her, she didn’t know how to respond. She wasn’t replacing Jane, per se. This was also the point last night where she realized her mistake in responding to Jane’s late text. Even now, she still isn’t sure she handled it correctly.

11:18: J- Any plans for tomorrow?

11:20 M- While genii is correct, you can just say geniuses, you don’t have to try so hard. And, no I’m not replacing you. I was planning on browsing Newbury St in the afternoon.

11:21 J- Great, so I’ll pick you up at 2, I’ll carry the bags and then we can hit up Eataly for dinner? We haven’t been there in a while.

11:25 M- That’s okay Jane, I know you don’t enjoy my long shopping ventures, you don’t have to come. And I’ve got dinner plans, I’m sorry. But I’ll see you Sunday night for dinner.

After that, it was radio silence from Jane. Even after all these years, all the social cues Jane’s helped her learn, she still doesn’t know how to read the silence. Last night she was torn. She wanted to hang out with Jane but didn’t. Now she had to live with rejecting Jane’s plans, and what felt like a rejection of Jane herself.

That’s what brought her here, meditating as the sun was rising, or trying to anyway. Maura shook herself out and realized she was going to need a little help this morning clearing her mind. So she opened up the Calm app and resigned herself to a guided meditation. Maura went through the motions of her day, finishing off with an overzealous stop at Diane Von Furstenberg’s on Newbury just because. She still hadn’t heard from Jane and was trying to tell herself it was okay, they were okay, they were just both adjusting to this new normal. Maura hadn’t figured out what this new normal was supposed to be, but she knew she was unhappy with how Jane and she were a couple in every way, except in the way that mattered. Their friendship was unhealthy as it was. If they were only going to be friends, Maura was going to start making space in her life for other friends and possibly a lover or two. She can’t pinpoint when it happened, but her very active and healthy sex life seemed to slowly dry up the closer she and Jane got.

______________

Dressed in her new Midi dress, and a brand new pair of St. Laurent sandals, she waived to Angela across the courtyard as she headed off to meet Erica. Driving to the Chart House, she couldn’t help but reflect and acknowledge that Eric’s timing was creating a good distraction for her. She and Erica had done their residencies together, they hadn’t been best of friends, but she was always warm to Maura and tried to include Maura in her social circle. A few years after Maura moved to Boston, she reached out when she landed in Providence doing a Post Doc Fellowship at Brown. They’d do dinner a few times a year, trade interesting journal articles, nothing special, but it was nice to have a friend outside of BPD. When BCU invited Erica to guest lecture for the week, Maura decided she’d just drop in on the first lecture, which led to a couple of lunches earlier in the week, and a celebration dinner as Erica was just offered a tenure track faculty position starting in the fall. Pulling up to the valet station, she decided that this was just what she needed to expand her social circle a bit. She’d enjoy her evening, celebrate Erica’s new position and enjoy the late spring evening.

______________

Like clockwork on Sunday around noontime, the Rizzoli’s started to filter into her home. Angela always led the parade, bringing groceries and starting the prep process. Over the next couple of hours Jane, her brothers, little TJ, Frost, Korsak, Kiki, and even Susie sometimes would wander in and fill her house. When she invited Angela to live in the guest house almost 4 years ago, she never thought it was going to be permanent, nor did she think she’d enjoy having her there as much as she does. For all of Angela’s meddling and snooping in Jane’s life, she’d been nothing but respectful of Maura’s boundaries and privacy. Maura treasured how their patchwork family considered her house their gathering place, when it was full, it felt like the warm home she yearned for as a child. The amazing dinners, even if sometimes unhealthy, were a vehicle for that love and inclusion Maura had spent over 30 years searching for. She’d found it with Jane and her family, but she still craves more. She wants more than a patchwork family, she wants her own family.

As Maura was finishing up working in the garden beds Tommy and TJ arrived. By the time she’d entered the kitchen freshly showered and ready for Angela to put her to work, she saw Jane and Frankie had joined Tommy in watching a basketball game. Maura greeted everyone while looking at the TV, she noticed no one was wearing a green jersey so she knew Boston wasn’t playing, which usually boded well for her couch and rugs. TJ was in his high chair feeding himself some plain pasta while Angela sang to him. Maura and Angela quickly fell into their rhythm with this week’s batch of Ragu simmering on the stove. By the time the lasagna was in the oven, Frost, Korsak, and Kiki had arrived and, Angela and Maura joined the gang in the living room to snack on some arancini before dinner.

While Maura and Angela always cooked, the most relaxing part of Sunday dinners was when Jane and Maura cleaned up. Never fail the boys would head out not long after dessert and the games were over. And Jane in her way of appreciating her mother would kick her back to the guest house for an early night, while she took charge of cleaning up the kitchen.

“Another glass of wine while you work?” Jane asked Maura while grabbing the bottle

Maura just put her glass in front of Jane while nodding for more. The pots and pans were washed, the dishwasher had already started its cycle and Jane and Maura were moving to the living room to straighten up before settling in to catch up on their week. Normally all this happened with a comfortable level of conversation between them, but tonight, there was a little more silence than usual. With blankets folded and the remote located, they settled into the couch, each sitting against an arm, facing each other.

“You know mom asked me how your date went last night, I didn’t even know you were seeing anyone” Jane started.

“It wasn’t a date, I told you I was going to dinner with Erica, she’s just accepted an offer at BCU.”

“No, you said you had lunch with Erica” with a slight hint of annoyance that only Maura could pick up on. “I didn’t know you guys were doing dinner, I thought you might have been hiding a new boyfriend from me”

“No, no new boyfriend Jane. Although that would be nice or maybe a girlfriend, I haven’t dated a woman since I first moved to Boston”

Jane nodded, her eyes a little bigger than normal, sometimes Maura could swear Jane forgot she was pansexual.

“What about you? You seeing anyone new?” Maura asked, mostly to take the heat off of her. She didn’t know what was worse, talking about her lackluster dating life or trying to appear supportive of Jane's dating life when all she wanted was to be the person dating Jane.

“No, although Frost mentioned his old college roommate is single. I can’t believe I’m even entertaining the idea of letting him set me up.”

“You should at least meet him, if Frost is setting you up, I’m sure he’s a good man.” Maura grinned through a fake smile.

“I don’t know” Jane responded, Maura saw the walls going up “ I don’t want to talk about dating. Is Erica going to move to Boston? You know you’ve never introduced us, are you scared I’ll embarrass you?” Jane half-joked, changing the topic.

“No Jane, you have to stop with the self-deprecating humor, you know I’m not embarrassed by you. And yes, she needs to finish teaching a summer seminar at Brown, and then she’ll move up here.” The next words fell out of her mouth as soon as they occurred to her “I should see if she wants to come to next Sunday’s dinner.” Seeing Jane’s small annoyance grow into jealously, she redirected. “She can meet everyone, but please don’t interrogate her for college stories. You already know I was weird and awkward, you don’t need more things to tease me about!”

Jane took the bait “Ohhhh, I didn’t even think of that! I wonder if she’s got pictures!!

Maura just rolled her eyes, relieved that the tension was broken. She really did want Jane and everyone else to accept Erica, she remembered what it was like moving back to Boston and not having anyone. The rest of the night passed quickly, Maura kept the topics to mostly work or Boston politics. Jane could rant about local politics for hours and it didn’t put Maura at risk of gazing at Jane like she wanted to take her upstairs. A little before 11, Jane sighed and made her excuses about getting back to Jo before she relieved herself on the rug again. Pre-rules Maura might have made some comment about how much wine Jane had and how she should stay the night. Post-rules Maura kept her mouth shut. As Maura locked the door behind Jane, she couldn’t help but hope that just maybe, with some delicate balancing, she’d be able to move on from Jane and keep her as a friend.

________

Later that week Maura found herself at the Robber with the whole group, even Susie joined them. Maura was finding her new footing and it felt nice, it gave her a boost of confidence. Jane no longer acted as her interpreter when Frost made a joke, Korsak no longer felt the need to censor his dirty jokes and Susie actually had a pretty foul mouth once she had a few drinks. More than ever she noticed how breaking down her walls, allowed others to break their own down around her. She didn’t feel like Queen of the Dead anymore, she was Maura. As the night stretched on the table shuffled around a bit, Korsak left to meet Kiki, Frankie and Nina joined, Susie went home and Frost tried his luck with a pretty blonde at the bar.

Maura didn’t even notice how slowly Jane crept to her, close enough that her side was against Maura and her arm draped behind Maura across the back of the booth. But she did notice when the vibe between Jane and her started to mirror that of Frankie and Nina, right down to Jane ordering Maura another drink before checking with her. Maura and Jane were a couple, they couldn’t help it. The small touches, the laughing into each other’s sides, even the stolen glances. It no longer felt like hanging out, it felt like they were on a double date. It was too much for Maura, she excused herself to the bathroom to regroup. Looking at herself in the mirror, she scolded herself. She had to get out of there, she needed more distance. How could she possibly have her own relationship if she always ended up with Jane?

“I didn’t realize how late it had was,” Maura said marching up to the booth. “I’m going to head home. I’ll see you all in the morning? Those cultures should be ready by 10, I’ll page you when I have the report ready.” All of a sudden Maura infused a formalness into the air that wasn’t there before. Frankie raised his eyebrows but said nothing. It was weird for Maura to leave without Jane, or at least inviting Jane back to her house.

“I’ll leave with you” Jane started to get up.

“Oh no, that’s fine, I’m parked just across the street. I’ll be fine, stay, enjoy the rest of your beer” Maura responded with a slightly stern note. Jane nodded, “Party pooper, leaving me with these love doves” gesturing to Frankie and Nina, while they responded with mock offense. As Maura walked away, she didn’t see Frankie lean in and whisper to Jane.

Once Maura settled into bed for the evening she decided it was time for her to get out there. Even if it meant her joining one of those annoying dating sites. It was better to be trying than pining. Last week Erica had suggested How About We, it was worth at least signing up. She decided that it couldn’t hurt more than she was already hurting. While she hadn’t opened up to Erica about how frustrated she was with her’s and Jane’s relationship, she had expressed a desire to get out there more and Erica had offered a few bits of advice. If she couldn’t go to Jane about this, it was nice to at least have another friend to commiserate with about dating. As soon as she completed her profile, her phone beeped and a notification popped up on the screen.

11:17 PM

Jane Rizzoli

You awake?

Clicking her screen off, Maura put her phone on her nightstand and turned over for what would be a very uncomfortable night’s sleep.

[let-me-write-shit]

Like We Used To: 3

A/N: Hey guys! I’m glad some of you are enjoying my story so far! I love the feedback and messages. Please don’t hesitate to message me. Suggestions, comments, or even theories. Happy reading!

[ONE]  [TWO]

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CHAPTER THREE

The girls had stayed behind at the wedding venue to gather the gifts, decor pieces, and a few leftover disposable cameras while the guys made their way over to the rental manor after Kate and Lewis. It was a long few months of wedding planning, so being able to relax with each other was much appreciated. Elizabeth and Daisy took a lot of silly pictures on the disposable camera in the limo ride to the manor and Heather had made a verbal reminder to herself that she needed to get the film developed after the weekend ended.

It wasn’t long before the limo was pulling down the long, tree-lit drive of the beautifully restored manor. The girls spilled out of the limo, smiling up at the building in awe before grabbing their things and heading to the entrance. As soon as the doors opened up, you could hear the boys’ booming voices making fun of each other over music playing in the background.

“Girls are here!” Owen called out, coming up to them and helping with some of the bags, followed by the rest of them.

“Oh, thank god!” Kate squeezed through the boys, giving each of the girls a little hug.

It looked like Kate, Lewis, Jimmy, and Owen had managed to get a shower in while Matt and Edward just took their ties off, loosened the buttons on their shirt collars, and untucked their shirts from their pants. 

“Now you girls can head on up to the first and second floors. Any room with a door open is available, so bring your things up with you. And every room has a shower. We’ll be down here getting some drinks ready for you!” Kate continued

“Is Harry here yet?” Daisy asked, excitedly.

“No, not yet,” Kate smiled at her before eyeing Elizabeth hesitantly.

Elizabeth nodded as if to say ‘it’s okay’ before heading to the stairs with the rest of the girls. There were two bedrooms left on the first floor with Kate, Lewis, Owen, and Jimmy, so Heather and Elizabeth decided to take them. Up on the second floor the bedrooms belonged to Edward, Matt, Celeste, Daisy, and eventually Harry when he got there. 

Elizabeth’s room was quite spacious. It definitely had a victorian quality about it, but was modernized with a marble walk-in shower. She dropped her bags on the Queen sized bed  and made her way to the bathroom, liking the idea of a hot shower. She turned on the shower head and examined herself in the mirror while the water heated up. Her wavy hair had lost its bounce and her makeup was starting to separate due to the sweat which made her look tired. Elizabeth supposed that was a good thing, as it was a sign of a good day. But she felt wide awake, excited to celebrate some more with her friends. She ran her fingers at the neckline of her silk dress, almost sad to take it off. She did love the way she looked in it, and if she was honest, was glad that this was how Harry saw her after nine years.

The steam of the hot water running down her body relaxed her and gave her a moment of clarity. Harry was back. She knew she had mixed emotions about that fact, but he was here and everyone else seemed to be happy about it, nevertheless. Elizabeth decided that she was going to be okay with it. She still wanted to keep a healthy amount of distance from him. I mean, the first time he left was hard enough, she definitely didn’t want to let her guard down. But, she resolved that wasn’t going to let some dumb ass insecurities ruin her weekend.

Elizabeth towel dried her hair as much as she could, slipped into her light peach tie dyed lounge set, and rubbed her sore feet before pulling on some socks and grabbing her phone. 10:42 PM. The night was still young. She bounced down the stairs and followed the sound of her friends voices to what seemed like a parlor room filled with two four-seater couches on either side of a fireplace, which Jimmy had apparently managed so start a fire in and was prodding the logs with an iron poker, and two rather large armchairs at the end of the couches. It looked like Heather and Celeste had the same idea as she did, because their hair was damp and they were now fresh-faced. Daisy, however, had just thrown her platinum hair in a perfect messy bun, got into a crop-top sweat set, and kept her makeup on. It didn’t look like Harry had arrived yet. 

“Lizzy!” Matt called over, patting the tiny bit of space next to him on one of the armchairs. There was plenty of room on the two couches, but she squeezed beside him while Kate had disappeared and quickly reappeared with Elizabeth’s go-to drink. A Moscow Mule. Elizabeth whispered a ‘thank you, love’, so as not to disrupt the conversation happening in the room and Kate sat at the end of the couch next to her husband, Owen, and Heather.

“I see JJ started the fire,” Elizabeth noted aloud while the others confirmed with a nod, “So did we all learn from our last camping fail not to let Edward near it,” she sneered with a grin.

“Oi!” Edward shouted from the chair next to her as the friends all laughed and she felt Matt’s arm jerk behind her back to swat at Edward.

“The dumbass almost burnt down our cabin!” Celeste recalled, making them all laugh harder.

The sound of the front door opening and closing followed by footsteps made everyone turn to look at the entrance of the room. Elizabeth had to crank her head back to be able to see and was met with Harry’s gaze.

“Hey!” Harry smiled and waved. He had clearly taken a shower and had changed into a casual long sleeve sleeping shirt and some lounge pants, carrying a small duffel bag. His rings no longer covered his fingers.

“Harry! Glad you made it!” Lewis called, standing up. They patted each others back when they were within range and Lewis said, “Come on, let me show you to your room.”

“You’re across from me!” Daisy called out. Harry turned back and chuckled in response to her before he was out of sight.

“Jesus, Daisy!” Celeste snorted, rolling her eyes while the others laughed and shook their heads.

Once Lewis and Harry joined them back in the room with some more drinks, Harry had taken a seat on the other couch next to Jimmy, Celeste, and Daisy. Immediately the conversations, like always with this group, had gotten a little out of control with laughter to the point of tears. Many pictures were taken on the disposable cameras and even more drinks were made. Eventually Heather and Owen had excused themselves to go to bed and the conversation died down a bit. With Matt’s arms resting on Elizabeth’s legs that had been strewn across his in the chair, he whispered in her ear something about getting more drinks when a small piece of ice was chucked at them and had landed on his arms. 

“If you two are quite finished flirting, then.” Celeste smirked.

“He wishes,” scoffed Edward, which provoked another smack from Matt.

Kate busted into laughter, “Do you remember when they hooked up with each other after college graduation?” Which caused  even more laughter from the bunch with some saying ‘Holy shit, I forgot about that!’

“Wait, what? Really?” Harry straightened up, looking between the two of them with a slightly intrigued and surprised look. Harry had known them since they were fourteen, and back then he probably couldn’t picture that ever happening.

Matt chuckled and joked, patting Elizabeth’s back, “What can I say? I was able to do what every guy in our friend group wanted to do since junior high. I’m a stud.”

“Relax, stud,” Elizabeth blushed, elbowing him in the chest, “It was just a kiss. I’m pretty sure everyone here has kissed each other at least once at some point.”

“Was there some sort of sexual awakening after I left or something?” Harry joked, with nods and laughter from the rest, “Vecause back then it was only Kate and Lewis snogging each other.”

“Remember when Celeste and Edward actually hooked up last year?” Lewis remembered.

“Hell yeah! Broke my two-year dry spell with that!” Edward winked at her.

“And you haven’t had any action since,” Elizabeth quipped, causing an eruption of laughter.

“Alright, alright!” Celeste grinned sheepishly. “We said we would never mention that night again!”

“I bet there will be at least three hookups by the end of the weekend,” Lewis said, assuredly with a nod of agreement from Kate.

Harry looked at them, amused, “Who?”

“Right, should we make bets? Ten bucks each. The one with the most guesses correct by the end of the weekend wins. Ties split.” Jimmy suggested followed by yelps and hoots of acceptance. Harry hesitantly agreed.

“Well, obviously JJ, Heather, Owen, and the bride and groom here are out since they’re in relationships,” Matt thought allowed, “but I reckon that Celeste and Edward will get together after having one too many.” Everyone agreed except for Celeste and Kate.

Then Edward said, “Alright, and I think that Matt and Elizabeth will make out at least once,” to which only Daisy and Celeste agreed.

Kate smiled apprehensively, “Sorry, but I think it’s more likely to be Elizabeth and Harry.”

Elizabeth blushed and her eyes widened, shooting daggers towards Kate as Jimmy, Lewis, and Celeste agreed. She felt Harry’s eyes on her, but she avoided his gaze, unable to look at him. They are out of their minds! What was Kate thinking?

Jimmy spoke up, “And I think Daisy is going to try to get with every available person here. And I mean every available person here.” He wiggled his eyebrows at the girls. A harmonious laughter of agreement emitted from the entire group.

The night continued with more banter. Everyone had agreed upon what to do when they woke up. They had planned on taking the inner tubes out on the manor’s private lake in the morning and having a BBQ. Daisy, after a few drinks and expressing her deep love for everyone there, managed to kiss both Celeste and Edward. “Two down, three to go,” Jimmy sniggered. Slowly the group started to lighten as people were excusing themselves to go to bed. 

Eventually it was only Daisy, Harry, Matt, and Elizabeth left. Daisy was nodding in and out of consciousness, the fire was now burned out, and Elizabeth was still comfortably smushed next to Matt on the chair with her legs draped over his and her head resting on his chest. Even though she had told herself she wasn’t going to ignore Harry, she still felt herself at a loss for what to say to him. She still felt confused. Elizabeth just wound up twiddling her thumbs while him and Matt conversed or giving short replies when Harry tried to talk to her.

Daisy suddenly stood up and mumbled, “I’m going to bed,” before making her way out of the room.

“Yeah, that’s not a bad idea. I think I should head up, too,” Matt yawned, patting Elizabeth’s legs and sliding out from under her to get up, stretching.

Elizabeth caught Harry’s eyes which read a sort of hesitance, almost as if he was waiting on her to say something. She stood up after Matt and said, “Yeah, me too.”

As they made their way up the steps, she felt Harry behind her, obviously deciding he didn’t want to be the only one up. Matt stopped at the top of the landing to give Elizabeth a hug and a friendly peck on the cheek, wishing her a goodnight and bounded the stairs to the next floor where his room was. Elizabeth was almost at her door when she heard a sad, soft, “Goodnight, Lizzy.” But when she turned around, Harry was already halfway up the steps after Matt.

Elizabeth threw herself onto the bed, turning over to click off the light and look out the window. It would have been pitch dark in the room if it weren’t for the light glow of the crescent moon shining through her window. Elizabeth felt like she failed. Everyone else was so happy and comfortable around Harry after so much time. It didn’t make sense why she was the only one that didn’t feel the same. 

Just when she started to slip under the sheets, she heard a soft tapping at her door. “One second,” she called, slipping back out of bed and towards the door. When she opened it she tensed, seeing Harry nervously standing there. “Oh...uh…” she started.

Harry cut her off, “I just didn’t want to go to bed thinking I was crazy. Is it just in my head, or have you been trying to avoid me?” He smiled, anxiously, trying to lighten the tension.

Elizabeth stuttered, shocked at this confrontation, “No, I...Sorry. It’s just…” she paused for a second before straightening up. She wasn’t going to chicken out. If he really wanted to know, she would be honest, “You want the truth? You really want to have a whole-ass heart to heart at 2 AM?”

Harry blinked before nodding his head, his smile starting to fade. A creak was heard from the hallway and they both turned, half expecting someone to be peering out of their room, but they didn’t see anyone. Still, Elizabeth didn’t want anyone listening in, so she stepped to the side and invited him in. He sat at the edge of her bed, hands clasped, and watched her, waiting for her to say something. She stood by the closed door, collecting her thoughts as she had so much she wanted to say, before starting.

“I don’t know, Harry. This is awkward! It shouldn’t be so awkward, but it is! Everyone else seems to be perfectly fine with the fact that you’re here, but I honestly don’t know how to feel. I mean you left me! For nine years I hadn’t heard a word from you. You managed to keep in touch with Lewis and Kate just fine, but why not me?” Elizabeth started pacing the room and started letting it all out. “I mean you were my best friend, for Christ sake. When Kate and Lewis finally got together it was basically you and me every single day! But as soon as you started getting a little bit of attention, you stopped talking to me. I felt crazy. For years I felt like maybe...maybe I just thought we were better friends than we actually were. There’s no way I could have meant that much to you if it was so easy for you to leave the way you did. Then you show up here expecting everything to be all peachy. Everyone else can forgive and forget so easily, Harry. But I’m struggling here.” 

By the time she had finished she had felt a lump in her throat the size of a golf ball and her eyes stung as she tried to hold back her tears. She didn’t mean to get so emotional. But she would not allow herself to cry. She didn’t want to show weakness.

An uneasy silence filled the room. It felt like a lifetime before Harry finally spoke, clearing his voice, “I’m so sorry, Lizzy.” Elizabeth looked over at him and could see his eyes were slightly glassy. And instead of his usual lopsided smile it was turned down into a slight frown. He wiped the inner corner of his eye and continued, “I was trying to think of all the reasons for why I did what I did, but they all seem so….fucking stupid now.” He hit the covers lightly, seeming annoyed with himself. “You’re right. I was being a dumbass. And you were not crazy to be upset. You were my best friend. I know you always had Kate. And obviously our friend group was there. I mean there was Lewis and Celeste and JJ and Matt. But...you were my best friend. You knew more about me than anyone else in that group. I’m…..fuck. There’s no excuse. I’m so sorry!”

Elizabeth stared at him as he spoke. She was expecting excuse upon excuse. Definitely not that. She could hear the frustration in his voice and saw the sadness in his eyes. He meant what he said. Elizabeth softened up, “A lot has changed in nine years, Harry. I know we’ve all been picking up where we left off, but we’re not the same as we were when we were seventeen.”

Harry nodded, “I know. You’re right, and neither am I. So….I’m hoping we can use this weekend to get to know each other again. Or...I can get to know everyone again. We can get ourselves reacquainted. I may not be exactly the same, but I’m not that much different.” He noticed her hesitance before adding, “I promise, Lizzy. I promise I won’t leave like that again.”

Elizabeth let her lips twitch upwards into a small smile. Harry’s eyes softened and his eyebrows raised, searching for some kind of response in her face. He must have seen it, because he smiled his bright white smile and outstretched his hands to her in a mock handshake and said, “Hi. My name is Harry Styles. I used to be your best friend before I ruined that. Nice to meet you, again.”

Elizabeth let out a small laugh and a tear that threatened to leave her eye finally spilled out. She quickly wiped it away and swatted his hand, “No, we’re not doing handshakes.” She said, finally allowing herself to propel into his arms. He tightened his arms around her embrace and let his cheek press onto the top of her head. Although he was bigger than he once was, and older, his hug felt the same. The familiar feeling of warmth, comfort, and safety embodied her. 

They stayed like that for a while before Harry whispered, “You smell good.”

“Don’t make it weird,” Elizabeth snorted into his chest, pausing before she said, “But so do you.”

Harry laughed and they pulled away, smiling at each other. “Ok. I guess I should…”

“Yeah.” Elizabeth nodded, walking him to the door and opening it for him.

He stepped into the hall and turned to face her. With a warm grin he said, “Goodnight, Lizzy.”

“Goodnight.” Elizabeth whispered, and closed the door.

She stood there for a second, letting what just happened sink in before climbing back into bed and under the covers feeling a warmth grow in her chest. She started to feel the wall that she built up to protect herself start to crumble. This was either going to be really good, or really bad.

Keep Reading

[alwaysanotherrainbow]

my boyfriend never texts first

Remus just wants to not be the first one to send a message every once in a while. That’s not too much to ask, right?

relationship: romantic remrom, background remy and emile (also romantic)

warnings: major character death, extended mourning (secondary warnings- brief discussion of religious holidays, brief underage drinking mention, a lot of all-caps) notes: unrelated, human, hs/college au. virgil, emile, and remy are here too. If you need anything in the secondary warnings (or one of those latter three characters) edited out, please let me know and I can put that up for you!

____________________________________________________

Remus always texted him first. Always. It didn’t matter the situation, didn’t matter the time date place name face. Who what when where why. It first started when he texted hi roman :) when they first got phones; for whatever reason, Roman just never texted first. Either he’d call or they’d talk in person.

No matter. Remus could cope.

May 1:

8:37 PM tody i saw you by my locker 8:39 PM *today 8:42 PM why didnt you say hi?

May 2:

9:30 PM a teacher talked to me today 9:30 PM wanted to talk about how i’m doing after 9:52 PM well you know. he’s a sick bastard

Really, it wasn’t too much to ask for, was it? He just wanted to see him text first once in a while! May 7:

3:32 PM: by the way idk if you got this last time 3:36 PM: my class ring size is the medium 3:44 PM: hopefully you order it by the deadline :P 4:03 PM: no idea when the deadline is 4:20 PM: bLAZE IT 4:24 PM: sorry i have like 0 money so i got it from the consignment shop 4:31 PM: i hope you like synthetic rubies!! leaving them with ur dad 10:40 PM: update. i cried for four hours with your dad.

June 2:

7:30 AM: gRaDuAtIoN dAy!!! 7:32 AM: there’s cookies in the reception menu 7:35 AM: snickerdoodles your favorite [eyes] 10:02 AM: i’m getting some for u 10:05 AM: [kissy face] 7:40 PM: the announcement was Weird 7:43 PM: anyways i have the snickerdoodles (Remus couldn’t go over to where Roman was staying, so he left them in the living room. He knew Roman would appreciate them. Hopefully he’d come over (wait, probably not, given...))

Well, actually, he could understand why he never texted first. June 11:

12:14 PM: roMAN 12:16 PM: [Attachment: Remus_Picani-Kleitman_Acceptance_Letter.pdf] 12:18 PM: YEAHHHH 12:24 PM: I’m sure you got in too SEND ME YOURS WHEN YOU GET IT 12:32 PM: WE MIGHT SHARE A ROOM YEA 12:35 PM: [Attachment: celebration.jpg]

Everyone was probably saying that he ought to just move on, but to be honest, he couldn’t... Actually, to be honest, no-one had told him to move on to his face yet. In fact, everyone was surprised he was doing so well, given how bad the circumstances were! The situation was stressing him out so much, even his dads were gently advising him to rethink things. (Well, that was part of the territory with one of them being a therapist and the other being a barista.)

“I got y’all some kouign-amann from the cafe,” said Dad, putting it down on the counter. His shirt had SLEEP scrawled on it with a Sharpie; it was the one that Remus had made for him as a joke. He still wore it. Huh.

“Sweetie, what’s a queen amahn?” asked Papa.

“It’s a... er, it’s like a... this is kinda like a croissant that had dreams of a muffin tin and salted caramel. One for you, babe.... then one for Doodlebug-”

“Can I leave some for Roman?” asked Remus.

They exchanged a glance.

“Of course you can,” said Papa with a smile. “Your candle’s on the table. Also, I got the news about being accepted into university? Good job, kiddo. You know, that was your father’s alma mater.”

“Are you sure you want to go to school right away after...? No problem taking a gap year.”

Papa glared at Dad. “Be nice.”

“I’m sorry, Remus, it’s just...” Dad put down his coffee. “If you’re not ready, if you need more time-”

"I’m sure,” said Remus with a grin, trying to get rid of what he just remembered. “Trust me.”

“Please find a good way to put away the snickerdoodles, they’ve been there since last week!” shouted Papa.

June 12:

12:12 AM: its twelve twelve make a wish 12:15 AM: hey when does your phone bill go out? 12:20 AM: im just saying that would Explain some things 12:22 AM: i know your dad pays Everything like a year in advance 12:34 AM: tell him i say hi 12:34 AM: 12:34 MAKE A WISH

July 12:

3:30 PM: guess who’s a double major in bio and theatre!! 3:32 PM: marine biology babey 3:53 PM: it’s good for the SOUL 4:04 PM: this cute octopus reminded me of you by the way 4:10 PM: [Attachment: for_roman]

August 14:

6:24 PM: moving in is the Worst 6:32 PM: by the way i got a single 6:35 PM: no roommates 6:41 PM: still have the bunk tho 6:44 PM: also got ur favorite pillo

August 30:

2:12 AM: roman it is like two o’clock in the morning what the Heck are you doing here, 2:15 AM: if u see me wave Hi 2:32 AM: ok >:c 2:42 AM: dont mind Me just studyin on top of the planetarium 3:15 AM: tbh i didn’t even know we go to the same campus? haven’t seen you around or anything 3:17 AM: shit phones gonna di

September 28:

2:20 PM: i failed my test 2:22 PM: idk what to d 2:24 PM: *do

September 29: 7:30 PM: remember that octopus you gave me that eats negative emotions? 7:32 PM: it works!!

October 3:

1:10 PM:  You’d like the theatre program, really 1:15 PM: just so u know they’ve listed your name as an ‘honorary member of the class of’ 1:19 PM: that’s really nice of them. idk if your dad knows

October 23:

9:45 AM: i had to explain one of our inside jokes 8( 9:52 AM: i can’t Explain the deodorant thing that was One Time 9:55 AM: also why i’m called The Duke 9:56 AM: its bc you said it. not my fault 9:58 AM: its still cute pls call me that still 9:59 AM: pancake brunch pancake brunch pancake brunch October 31: 6:12 PM: sun’s down! joyous samhain 6:15 PM: i remember when you sewed me that octopus btw, the one that eats ucky feelings 6:19 PM: how long did it take you to get the laurel sachet into it?? 6:34 PM: also thank you thank you thank you for helping me find a friendly church to celebrate all saints day 6:47 PM: that year was a NIGHTMARE because you forgot to get your white candles and carnelian, and i forgot my holy water, so we were driving around town like Madmen 6:59 PM: it was worth it though 7:03 PM: i left you a script, i think you’ll like it.

November 9:

11:19 PM: i miss you so so much.

November 10:

12:20 AM: ignor this i drank like 12:24 AM: a lot 1:15 AM: i’m sorry i should’ve been with you 1:22 AM: i shouldve been there With You. 1:45 AM: but i wasn’t 2:20 AM: i didn’t know thered be a 4:11 PM: shit i just saw these. Sorry to bother you December 2:

10:10 AM: hey roman, been a bit. yea sorry about last time. too much of the Alcohol 10:13 AM: gonna go over to my parents’ house 1:00 PM: if you wanna come over, you can. dad’s making snickerdoodles and papa’s gonna watch atla (yes i still have that dvd you got me do not @ me it’s with your candles on your table just like everything else) 1:03 PM: that was on the dot, i’m happy.

December 21

8:34 AM: hey, it’s snowing 9:13 AM: couldn’t help leaving you some hot cocoa. and snickerdoodles of course 10:12 AM: i love you Remus went to go help his dads with making breakfast, but by the time everyone was done cleaning and they had finished watching some shitty Hallmark movie, he remembered that he had left his phone upstairs. Going upstairs and looking at it, he felt something in him break.

[2 Unread: Roman <3, bf’s dad]

10:22 AM, Roman <3: Why are you texting this number? 11:15 AM, bf’s dad: Remus, disregard that last, I’m so sorry. I just found his phone and I saw only the recent message first

The phone started ringing. Remus answered it as quickly as he could.

“I’m so sorry Mr. Sanders I didn’t know that someone was actually getting these messages I thought the line was out,” he said within a few seconds before the person on the other side sighed.

“No, it’s quite all right. And Virgil’s all right, by the way, if you prefer. I... I was just looking through his things for the first time. You know, it being a holiday and all... Memories, things like that.”

“Yeah, I understand.”

“I just turned the phone back on, I’m getting a lot of messages.”

“Oh.” Remus stared at the wall, trying to come to terms with everything. “Well, I--”

“I’m not going to stop paying for his phone. I’m sorry, I just... I still have his voicemails on it, and I can’t stand the thought of it going offline either.”

“Right, I... I listen to it too.”

“I happened upon the last one he sent to you.”

“You looked at the messages?”

“I only looked over when I stopped getting new ones, but I saw the last question he sent you. For your ring size.”

“Yeah? He asked my ring size so that he could--”

“There’s no easy way to say this, but.. I found something of his. Can you come over?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t, but can you please tell me what it was? Please?”

“I really think I should tell you this in person.”

“Please, Mr. Sanders. Please, I... I can’t manage that.”

He sighed. “All right, Remus. I found an early acceptance letter to SJAU, and... and a ringbox.”

Remus felt his grasp on the phone grow weak. It fell onto the bed, Mr. Sanders’ voice still clear.

“I think he was going to ask for you to....”

“No, we... We were just out of high school, I-- that doesn’t make sense.”

“He always was one for those romantic gestures. There’s some poems here, too. A life-plan. I’m not sure exactly what malacology is, but--”

“Mollusks. Like octopi and squids.. Sorry for cutting you off, what was that?”

“Some of it’s in your handwriting, but one of the entries is ‘ask him’, for the day after... you know.”

God, he could hear his sad smile through the phone. He knew exactly how Mr. Sanders looked right now just talking to him, probably wearing that hoodie that was too big on him, in a dusty room full of things that used to belong to the most vibrant person that Remus had ever met.

But then Roman had died.

He was the most wonderful person, and he had just died.

“I’ll come over to deliver the ring to you. Is that okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s... that’s fine. Uh, call my dads first, though. They’re still not convinced I’m doing okay.”

“I understand. I’ll talk to you later, Remus.”

“Thank you, Mr. Sanders.”

The line went dead in his hands.

Remus held himself and wept.

December 28:

12:30 PM, Remus Picani-Kleitman: Mr. Sanders, would you like to come over for our New Year’s party? 12:34 PM, Remus Picani-Kleitman: It’s a tradition we had. You don’t have to if you’d rather not. 12:45 PM, Virgil Sanders: I’d love to go.

January 1:

12:00 AM: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! 12:05 AM: [Attachment: :)] 12:07 AM: we are all smiling in this photo and for that i think we deserve a hug. 12:10 AM: this rings the most beuatifl thing i’ve ever fuckign seen. thank you,, 12:14 AM: never gonna get rid of it <3 12:16 AM: it looks Good on my finger 12:30 AM: jsyk your dad’s asking my dads for the kouign amann recipe 12:32 AM: thats a pastry, i left those for u a while back 12:39 AM: okay i’m crying a bit but honestly, i love u 12:44 AM: I love you so so so much, Roman

Somewhere out there, whether it was from some wonderful paradise or beyond the veil or even only in wishful thoughts, Remus knew that someone was saying I love you too.

[ttopswordvomit]

anger

march 25th, 2021. @ sonic.

This isn’t going to be super well written because I could edit it and edit it until I die, but I have decided not to care. I’m sitting here cross legged in my car at Sonic. It’s 9:42 on a Thursday and I’m just sitting here eating a Reese’s blast. I needed to leave my apt or else I was going to go to bed at 10 pm and this would all carry to tomorrow. No matter how bad I didn’t want to deal with it. 

I’ve had that feeling all day. Where the day isn’t really bad, I’m doing things that are good for me, but there’s that thing sitting in the corner. Festering so slowly and quietly that I don’t even fully know it’s there. 

It’s been hard to focus on work today. Maybe that was my sign that something needed my attention. Even now, I still haven’t cracked. Crying and shit. I think it’s because I don’t feel sorry for myself? I’m not just. Desperately sad. Maybe that means I’m numbed out. Which happens a lot so probably. 

I didn’t know what to do with this feeling. So what else is there to do but to push on and make the best of it? I wish I could describe the tangle of feelings that happens. I look at it and I only barely know it’s there. Much less what the hell is going on inside of it. 

I’m afraid of explaining all of this to Michelle. How do I summarize this feeling when I don’t even really know what it is? And I’m afraid that once we figure it out it won’t feel as big as it does. Like it’ll be chalked up to the things I can’t change. To the things I’ve been working on, that I should know by now. I’m afraid it’ll be dismissed. Maybe I’ve felt dismissed before. 

I feel like this hurts a lot. Like I’m not ready to have conversations or look it in its ugly face. I’m not ready to do the hard things it’ll require.

It scares me. 

It scares me because I know it’s going to hurt. And peace feels so far away. And especially now that I have a deadline to talk to my mother by... I feel so scared. Like it’ll never happen. Like I can’t possibly do it no matter how much I’ve told myself I can do it. No matter how much work I’ve done towards it. 

And this shit I’m avoiding.. it hits hard because it is so painful to know how absent my mother is. Realizing that the other day felt agonizing. The weight of it is heavy. And it makes me realize just how abandoned and alone I feel by my parents in general. It makes me so angry.

I see how far removed, detached, gone my mom is. She glazes over. She does it all the time. And I’m mad at her for it. I’m mad at myself for being mad at her for it, because I know it’s just her coping mechanism. That’s how she deals with things. I understand that. But it hurts me, and I can’t seem to ignore that yet. Because her coping skill leaves me standing by myself. 

It leaves me alone. Alone to deal with my feelings that I don’t even understand myself. 

I’m angry that she gets to just check out. Especially when I lived at home, I felt such a burden to deal with everything she chose not to. She used me to numb out. To pretend things were good. She used me emotionally to escape the pain of her divorce. And when that happened, I feel like I dealt with that pain alone. I couldn’t go to my mom. Not when I was carrying her weight. My sisters were all on different pages so that felt unsafe. I didn’t know how to talk to my dad yet. I suppose there wasn’t really a choice but to deal and move on. I kept going to school, I tried to pick up help around the house and with Stephen. My mom had never done the independent mom thing. She suddenly had a house to take care of all by herself. And me and Stephen. So I picked up the slack the best I could I guess. But that sort of backfired when I offered myself up as an emotional punching bag. My bad. 

I’m angry at my dad too. Because his physical abandonment hurts too. I’m glad he’s happy, I really am, but god. He’s so far away. He’s so far removed from the situation with my brother. He lives a totally different life. I don’t even know if he’ll be at my graduation and I’m assuming not frankly, because how weird would that be. Plus he hasn’t flown down here in over a year. That’s another thing. He’s good with me flying down there any time but he won’t come down here? I get it with Covid but. Damn. Why can’t he come see my sisters when he’s seen me way more this past year? They’re mad at him for it and I’d say they’re right for that. It’s shitty to not come see your other kids when you’ve seen me so much. I have the luxury of coming to California, they don’t. They have families and jobs. God I hate being in the middle of shit. And I always am. Curse the 9 in me. To see both sides and peacemake, and to be left alone in the middle with nothing. A curse and a blessing.

I think I’ll always be hurt by my dad’s distance. We miss out on the time we used to spend together. And it was a lot. Seeing movies, going out to eat, hanging out in general. He couldn’t come to my band concerts anymore. I don’t know what I wish for here. Maybe that he’d stayed a little longer? But I know he’s happy. So I don’t know. I guess it’s just always a little sad. Perhaps the way he left too was hurtful. One day I came home and he didn’t live there anymore. And from there he got farther and farther away. 

My parents are gone in their own ways. So far removed from the realities that neither of them can stand to look in the face. And I’m mad at them for it. Because look at my brother. He needs help more than ever and what do they do? My mom pretends it’s not as literally life threatening as it is. Her dissociation from reality puts all of us in danger, even though I believe she’s a good mom at heart. She approaches no situation with the gravity it deserves because she pretends it doesn’t possess that gravity. It’s dangerous. And my dad? Bottom line, he’s not here to do anything. He can say all he wants over the phone to my mom but she won’t listen. However it seems that as of recent his best advice is to “keep trying” and encouraging her. Which I guess is good in a way if she won’t take his suggestions. Idk. I won’t ever really know the truth of their private conversations. My brother won’t answer his phone for anyone, especially not my dad. So what’s he to do if he’s so many miles away? Which I still can’t excuse to a degree. Stephen is still his son. I get how hard it is to have any impact from that far away with a mom that won’t really listen, but damn, that’s your son. 

I’m just angry. Angry and hurt. There are so many repercussions from their far removed ways, and I feel so frustrated that my efforts to change that don’t even hold weight. I feel like I’m sitting on an island watching a fire burn in the distance. I feel abandoned and disregarded. Powerless. Pained. I can’t imagine how Stephen feels. And I’m so worried for him. I’m worried for my mom too. I genuinely want her to be happy. But the chaos she allows could get her hurt. And hell, I’m mad at her for allowing that. I want to scream at her to wake up, to care about herself and about her family. But she’s so wrapped up in her own misery that she dissociates and walks through life that way. Just getting by.

And for no reason at all, I can’t help but to think back to all the times I needed help emotionally. Especially in high school when I was so stressed and taking on too much. I would have a breakdown and if, god forbid, one of my parents saw it, they’d hug me and comfort me. But god. I wish they’d told me to drop an AP class or something. Told me to not overwork myself so hard. Instead it felt like... they just sat with me maybe like a friend would? But more removed than that. More distant. My dad would try to make light of it too fast. My mom would be so confused by my crying and try to offer solutions but. Something was missing. And I think it’s the fact that I needed some sort of... parent intervention? Some sort of reassurance that the number of AP classes I took didn’t define me. Or that my mental well-being was more important. I wish for those sort of lessons back then.

Writing has been relieving. Something about it untangles that web of feelings for me. It puts names to them and allows me to explore where they come from and what they look like for me. Maybe will try to emotionally release later, lol. Still sort of numb in that department, but thanks for listening. 

[alocasiareversa]

Saturday Night A One-Shot Kankuro/OC 1,830 words AO3 Link

Mirai frequently worked late at the office - in fact, spent a lot of nights there, too. However, one Saturday evening proved to be one too many late nights working when the power spontaneously goes out and intruders begin going through every floor of the building looking for something... 

Saturday evening, 10:42 pm.

Glancing up from her pile of paperwork that she absentmindedly sorted, Mirai let her eyes hesitantly glance over to the clock hanging over the doorway. She winced inwardly. She promised Kankuro she would be home almost 45 minutes ago. A gust of wind blew in through the open window behind her, sending a chill down her back. Then, the lights went out.

"Shit," she mumbled, suppressing a groan as she fumbled with the drawer on the left side of her desk. She felt around inside of it, looking for her small stash of candles and matches to light up her desk during times like these.

It wasn't a particularly windy night in Suna though, but the power has gone out at random in the past so she thought not much of it. She felt the cardboard near the back, grasping the matches and felt around for her candles -- only finding one lone tealight. In a desperate attempt to hopefully light her office more, she felt around in the drawer for more to no avail. She scowled. She meant to purchase more candles the last time this happened, but it slipped her mind.

Eyes adjusting some to the darkness now, she flicked the match and brought it to the wick of the candle, bringing a dim, flickering brightness to her desk. She sighed softly. She won't get much work done in the darkness so she began piling her papers up to be ready for the next day.

Another gust of wind blew through the open window, sending her hair ruffling over her shoulders, nearly blowing her candle out. Quickly, she held a hand up to guard the flame, turning in her seat to get up and close the window when she froze suddenly. What sounded like a crash, a metal door rebounding off the wall, echoed through the building. She hesitated in closing the window, grasping the arms of her chair. An awful feeling hit her in the gut, her mind knowing danger was brewing.

Quickly, she blew out the candle she just lit and ducked under the desk as silently as possible.

Feeling around the back of the desk for the kunai that Kankuro insisted be kept hidden, she grasped it with a death grip, hearing more crashing and the sounds of footsteps pounding up the stairwell. Her heart jumped to her throat, sensitive to every movement that she made as she strained her ears to hear anything.

Mirai's eyes widened, hearing the mumbled voices of a few people managing to make it through the walls. A clash just outside her door -- the metal stairwell door slamming open. Heavy footsteps pounded into the hallway, stopping just outside her door.

"Check this hall," someone said gruffly, a man's voice. "We'll keep going up." Retreating steps and the clank of the door one last time before silence resonated the room again.

Hooking a thumb through the loop in the kunai she held firmly, she felt every muscle in her body tense as her office door squeaked open slowly, deep and heavy breathing echoing through the dark room. She silenced her labored breathing as best she could as she hoped that he would see an empty office and continue on without investigating.

The intruder sniffed the air loudly.

Fuck. Fuck! He smelled the candle Mirai blew out moments ago.

Her eyes darted left, right, back and forth as fast as they could, trying to see her threat before he saw her. She ground her teeth together.

Nails ran along the top of her desk. The sound made her blanch, feeling every muscle in her body tighten in fear. Another sniff as he plucked up the lone candle and dropped it back to the table, the clack of sandals with sand stuck in the grooves, the blood pumping in her ears.

Skinny legs stopped in front of her. Attack. Attack! Mirai couldn't get herself to do it. A head leaned down to check under the desk.

"Hello." An awful smile curled along his lips.

Tears pricked at her eyes, frozen to the spot.

"Hello." The intruder flung his head around, his mouth agape in shock. Mirai felt her heart stop. She heard a muffled gag, a quick snap, and the intruder fell to the ground. Dead.

Her breath caught in her throat as a second figure stepped into her frame of view.

"Miri," he whispered gruffly. Kankuro. She'd know that voice anywhere. He bent down, an incredibly serious look settled on his face. Anger, a hint of fear.

For me, she realized.

"Are you hurt?" he asked, bending down further to get a good look at her. She shook her head no quickly, loosening her grip on the kunai as she slid to her knees and grabbed the large hand that reached out for her.

Hazel eyes darted to the body laying on the floor. The awful smile was gone, replaced with a mouth open in a gasp that'll never occur, eyes that will never close. She couldn't take her eyes off of him.

"Look at me," he said, grabbing her chin a little too roughly and forcing her to turn towards him rather than the body beside her. "I'm going to get you somewhere safe, okay?"

"There might be--"

"I already have Baki and a couple others going through the building. I need to get you to safety before I can help." He didn't wait for a response before he picked her up abruptly and jumped through the window. He liked scaring her by entering through it sometimes. Its part of the reason why she kept it open.

She felt her stomach jump to her throat as she closed her eyes and pressed her face to his broad chest. She'd never fallen from such a height before and certainly didn't want to watch the ground race towards her. They hit the ground with barely a noise, his knees bending to absorb the extra weight. Immediately he began running through back alleys and shortcuts, heading toward the Kazekage residence.

She knew the route well, having traveled it frequently.

"Temari's still home, so she'll be with you. Gaara's still at the office - that's how I knew the power had only gone out at the museum," he trailed off, a stony look invading his eyes. "I'll try and be back as soon as I can, but it may be a few hours--"

"Don't worry about me," she mumbled, barely audible to herself. "Just focus on your job," she said meekly, bunching a handful of his shirt into a fist. She didn't want him to leave her, but she would never keep him from helping his peers and protecting the village, their home.

Two quick jumps had Mirai's stomach falling down this time, and she pulled on his shirt in a bit of fear. He landed on the balcony and shouldered his way into the ajar door and kicking it shut behind him, placing Mirai back down on her feet gently. He laid a warm hand in the middle of her back and ushered her down the hall to his bedroom.

He shoved the door open and pressed her in first, not closing the door behind him as he took her elbow gingerly and led her to his bed. Temari looked over from her position by the window.

Kankuro kneeled down in front of her, holding her lightly shaking hands in his. "You okay?" he asked, eyes boring holes into hers.

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak without a wavering voice.

He didn't nod back to her, rather frowning just a little. "I'll be back as soon as I can. You're safe here." He stood quickly, cupping her cheeks and placing a quick kiss to her forehead and nodded at Temari before briskly walking out his bedroom door, closing it shut behind him.

Silence fell over the dark room.

"Hi," Temari said simply, a simple robe hanging over her nightgown. She looked like she had just woken up, her hair loose from her signature pigtails and a dreary look to her eyes.

Their eyes met for a brief moment. The streetlamp illuminating into the bedroom through the open curtain made Temari's face look regal.

"Get some rest, Mirai," she whispered, bringing her eyes back to the window to watch for threats.

It sounded like an order, but then most things sounded like an order coming from Temari, but she nodded slightly all the same, scooting further into the bed and leaning up against the rough wall. She leaned to the side, letting her body fall into the pillows as she circled on with her arms and closed her eyes.

She doesn't remember falling asleep, just closing her eyes for a moment and then opening them and glancing at the clock, but fifteen minutes seemed to have passed in that single blink.

It truly was hours before Kankuro met back up with Mirai and Temari. He managed to sneak in during one of her fitful half-naps, kneeling before Temari and whispering his gratitude and watching her leave to make it back to her own bed.

Mirai squinted at him, pushing herself up onto her elbow. She felt her head pound in her temples from the awful sleep she was getting. The sunrise was just barely poking its way through the curtains that were drawn shut, the telltale sign that hours had passed. She watched him pull his shirt off, dropping it on the the floor to deal with later.

"Are you okay?" she said hoarsely, holding out her hand for him to grab. He did so gently, letting her guide him to lay beside her. She scooted closer to him as he settled into the bed, suppressing a yawn.

"I'm okay. Just tired. Let's get some sleep, okay?" Mirai nodded after a moment, knowing he wasn't in the mood to talk about what happened overnight right now. She laid her head on his bare chest, pulling the blankets up around the both of them. She wrapped an arm around his abdomen and squeezed gently, nuzzling her face up into his neck.

"Thank you, Kanky," Mirai whispered, squeezing him a little tighter. He wrapped his arm over her shoulders, pressing her to him protectively.

He pressed a kiss to her temple in return, running his fingertips up and down her arm.

Her eyes began drooping quickly, her breathing becoming slower and deeper but Kankuro laid there staring at the ceiling, his eyebrows furrowing deeper and deeper. He stayed with her for hours, trying to get his mind to calm. He doesn't know how long it took him to finally shut off, but he only remembers hearing just the slightest rasp of a knock at his door.

He slid away from Mirai softly, trying his best to not wake her up. He grabbed a fresh shirt from the open closet, threw it on, and opened the door quietly to sneak out without waking her.

I’m scared to post this, to be honest. I dunno. Feedback? I’ve been writing about this pairing for a couple of weeks now and working on a full length fic featuring QT Kankuro and my OC Mirai, which I will hopefully begin posing in the coming weeks.

Thanks for reading!

[thistherapylife]

Day in the Life

5:46am Cat (the bastard) jumps on head. Cat’s gotten poop on his butt and has decided to share.

5:50 Cat  gets his butt wiped and haircut in the bathroom and screams like I’m murdering him. I don’t care

6:01 The pillowcase gets throw into laundry and everyone but me is kicked out the bedroom

6:11-8:05 back to sleep

8:05-8:11 Make coffee

8:12-8:14 Attempt to have coffee on the garden porch. Bastard runs down the stairs into the garden like the lumox he is. Queen follows the rules while I chase bastard.

8:15 Everyone is inside and bastard is now wet. And unhappy

8:16 Find a ripe strawberry when I go back out to get my coffee from the garden so bonus.

8:17 text love who is out of town this week to remind them that the CATS ARE THE WORST BEASTS

8:20-30 Drink coffee and pet the queen.

8:30-8:44 Remember I was supposed to be doing this, remember how to use google docs, type this up.

8:45-9:07 Fuck around the Internet and continue to drink my second cup. Decide I have to start getting ready and also decide to have my clinical director change my assessment day cause I’m not into it on Mondays.

9:07-08  Think “oh crap today is going to be rough”

9:08-9:38 Do all the morning stuff - get dressed, makeup etc.

9:38-9:40 Panic at how late it is and remember fondly when I hated makeup

940-948: Continuing on the panic theme - shove everything I need in my bag, dump bag off the counter, curse loudly at all the gods, shove it all back in, take meds, throw lunch (i have the best partner who prepped this for me before we left for the weekend) in a bag and get to the car.

9:49-10 realize that I forgot breakfast totally, left a full la croix on the table? Counter? Pray it’s on the counter and the dumbass cats don’t knock it over onto my work laptop that’s on the table if it’s not, while I drive to work like a bat out of hell.

10:00-10:02 become irate that someone has used to handicap parking without a permit again. Urge to kill rising. Find parking.

10:03-10:05 see my assessment in the lobby, say hello, fridge my lunch, consume a string cheese at an unnatural rate of speed while setting up the video translator.

10:06-11:29 Do the assessment. Realize assessment could have been prevented if current therapist had simply sent their most recent assessment. Briefly contemplated strangling current therapist. Perform assessment.

11:29-11:40 all the paperwork and releases with assessment.

11:40-12 pm 10 minutes late for meeting with clinical director. Discuss caseload. Change assessment time because this 10am on Mondays are bullshit of the highest grade. Discuss a weird/uncomfortable issue with boundary testing in order to figure out what to do next (refer out? Change therapists?)

12:00-12:32: Chat with our internal review team about returning client’s annual or initial assessment (get an answer). Eat lunch (Korean short ribs, rice and bok choy) + Diet Coke + La Croix. Listen to audiobooks (Noir by Christopher Moore and part of Foxglove Summer)

12.32-12-35 get very tired and be mad that I didn’t get to gym today.

12:35-12:37 think very hard about how hard the rest of today will be and text my best friend that I obviously should not be allowed to plan my own schedule because I’m obviously incompetent. She tells me to be nice but also agrees its too much

12:38-12:45 talk with DBT lead re today’s assessment

12:45-12:53 move car to lot, sit in car trying to warm up enough to function. My body temp always plummets when I eat.

12:53-12:55 get locked out of my office, become frustrated and have to find the office manager to let me back in.

12:55-1 listen to voicemails, fill in notes from earlier

1-1:42 When 1 o’clock doesn’t show - do clinic review w an outside agency since I can squeeze it in because they need the helpbut HONEST TO GOD in retrospect I needed this time to do charting.

1:42-2:00 collatéral with the assessment’s primary therapist and make a plan.

2:00-2:10 know I’m missing a client somewhere on my case list. Rewrite case list to review -removing cts and adding new ones.

2:10pm-3:20 Before I figure out who that is my 2 o’clock arrives. 

3:20-330 type this up, listen to audiobook, take aspirin and decide that sadly I don’t have time to make tea but I have time to use the restroom (bathroom break AND lunch? Killing it). Leave message for 1 oclock’s worker re no show while walking to get my ct

3:34-4:50 See ct. Also intense. 

5:00-6:01 See ct. 6 o’clock ct hasn’t arrived.

6:01-6:09pm: commiserate with officemate at how bonkers today has been while packing up. Realize that if ct doesn’t show I’ll have to send the closing letter cause this is way beyond generous.

6:09-20: Talk to a WRAP facilitator while we get ready to leave. Ct doesn’t show, we leave together.

6:30pm Went to the grocery store to attempt to eat more than just cereal while partner is out town. Am very tired. Get anxious about how much needs to get done.

7:09pm checkout lane. Every lane has a huge ass line. Lady attempts to cut and then rams me with her cart “on accident.” Text friend to not yell at lady. Notice friends in next lane. Get revenge by chatting with them and taking a long time to put stuff on the counter (other lanes are now basically empty). Enjoy seeing friends and my pettiness.

7:28pm leave drive home.

7:30-7:54 unpack groceries, feed evil beasts, text with bestie number 2, feel exhausted.

7:54-8:16 Eat dinner ish. Will make real food tomorrow but fuckkkkk it today. 

8:16pm to 8:48pm Bath and audiobooks. Too tired to enjoy but at least clean and didn’t have to stand

8:50: sleep/pain meds, finish this up, watch the new “Try Channel” (the folks from FACTS) video. 

It’s 9:18 and I have SO MANY THINGS on my to do list that just aren’t getting done. I’ll maybe try to dump all the things I have to do on paper. My best bet is early to bed and up early but I’m the worst at that. Still I’m going to try and sleep. I’ll update if I’m up at 2am still. Oh and talk to my person then go to bed.

<3

Edited to add that the La Croix WAS on the counter and my work laptop was safe. I’ve watch the YouTubes and am going to bed now. Sleep well y’all! Hope you like this!

[nyctimus]

Text symbols meme thing for Ivanpez and Talix and like lit anyone else you wanna do it for.

Set in MB:R verse!

IVANPEZ-

MORNING text.

8:03 am [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Hi handsome! Don’t forget you promised to meet me for brunch at that cute little bistro on main, okay?! Can’t wait to see your pretty face! 🥰

text that WASN’T SENT.

9:30 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] My mother has enough money to cover the slack for us if you just quit your job

RUSHED text.

4:45 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] I’m SOOO sooo sorry I’m running late :((( Got stuck in the goddamn metroplex traffic, swear to god I’ll move to the wilderness and abandon the city completely one day. I’ll be there soon! Promise!

DRUNK text.

3:09 am [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Move in with me wuit your job. I’ll quit mine. We can go somewhere nice like ...  3:12 am [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Whefe? Where you what to go 3:13 am [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Beach? We c an skinny dip every night 3:13 am [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Hou can buiold a nice beach hut an I will make nice curtains for it, okay?

SUGGESTIVE text.

2:57 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you insisted on wearing that skimpy little white tank to work in just to try and tempt me to tear it off of you. 

LATE NIGHT text.

1:15 am [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Come here. I want cuddles, and my bed is nicer than yours

HATEFUL text.

5:44 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Peter. 5:44 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] I don’t know what I’ve done to upset you, but I promise I’ll right it. 5:49 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] What do you mean? Of course I have, why else would you have worn those atrocious, eye- searing shirts every day for the past WEEK if not to punish me? 5:51 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] What? 5:51 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Don’t be ridiculous. Of course you’re punishing me. 5:52 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Still too angry to tell me what I’ve done, I see. Okay. I’ll try again later.

RANDOM text.

2:32 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Gold or indigo? I can’t decide.

SCARED text.

6:45 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Hey, I thought you’d be back by now? 7:02 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Pete? 7:13 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Peter??? Please pick up 7:26 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Baby please

LOVING text.

10:50 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Good night, sweet boy, I hope you have the very best dreams... I know you’re nervous about tomorrow, but you shouldn’t be... you’re perfect. 10:52 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] You’ve got this. Now get some rest... don’t make me come over there 10:52 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Fine, then. See you soon

CURIOUS text.

3:13 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] What are your favorite appetizers? Salty or sweet? Party hosting has become just a little more complicated since I started caring more about your opinion than my own. Feelings can be so pesky sometimes 😛

EXCITED text.

3:13 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Pete!  3:13 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Can you believe we’re leaving on our veeeery first vacation together as a couple together today? Even if it’s just a little two day getaway, I’m SO excited, I’ve been looking forward to this all week. 3:13 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Can’t wait to have you all to myself. You may be sick of me by the time this is over. Fair warning!

ACCIDENTAL text.

1:19 am [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Oh, I don’t know. I think it’s entirely possible I’m just a way for him to pass a little time. And I’m fine with that. Obviously. Why wouldn’t I be?

HEARTBREAKING text.

1:19 am [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Pete? 1:24 am [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] My mother just died. I.... I’m packing to head home to Paris now. Can you go with me?

/ / /

TALIX-

MORNING text.

5:25 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] I know you’re sleeping and won’t even see this for another 6 hours or so, but if you come give me a ride home I’ll smuggle you a whole loaf of that cinnamon coffee cake you like. Please

text that WASN’T SENT.

10:17 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] How do you do it? Live like that constantly? It was a ten minute experience two months ago but I’m still having nightmares

RUSHED text.

3:59 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] K, I know Ellis would probably throw the entire knife drawer at your face if you show back up here but there are SO many drunk assholes here right now it almost seems worth it to beg you to come save me

DRUNK text.

9:42 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] U just reality want you to hold me brighttnkw 9:42 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] Plea.Se. And pet my hair, Anne kiss my nose. Ok?

SUGGESTIVE text.

4:35 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] I know this is fucked up, okay... 4:35 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] And idk if it’s the full moon or what, but I can’t stop thinking about you with your gun when I’m getting off 4:35 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] Your actual gun. Not your dick, love that one too but the one you... you know what I mean  4:35 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] The way you hold it. Your fingers. Those fucking veins in your arms, Jesus Christ

LATE NIGHT text.

1:32 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] Are you okay? I know it’s silly to be afraid for you every single time the news mentions turf wars and casualties, but I worry about you. Text me when you can

HATEFUL text.

5:18 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] Swear to fuck next stuck up ass businessman that walks through these doors, orders coffee and then wrinkles his nose when he tastes it is getting the whole pot poured on his fancyboy suit. Why do people come here wanting Starbucks? I’m going to scream

RANDOM text.

7:30 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] ...Pretty sure your kid is here staking me out right now. Not even subtle. Staring me down as I text this. Should I be concerned? Pretend I don’t know him? SOS

SCARED text.

4:06 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] I think someone’s following me. I keep seeing the same car. At work, outside my apartment 4:07 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] In the parking lot at Krogers. What should I do? 4:08 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] I know if they see you it might make things worse but can you come get me? Please. I’m scared

LOVING text.

7:31 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] Hey, hot stuff. I’ll be dead to the world by the time you read this but I just wanted to tell you I hope you have a good day. Kick everyone’s ass. Don’t get arrested. 💖 xo

CURIOUS text.

9:22 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] What do you have planned for Thanksgiving? My brother’s hounding me to bring you back to the farm. No pressure either way. He’s kind of a lot. I think he wants to shovel talk you, so... feel free to be busy, haha

EXCITED text.

5:48 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] You know that cat I’ve been leaving canned tuna out for for like, the last month and a half? 5:48 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] SHE CAME INSIDE 5:48 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] And killed my favorite plant, but! SHE CAME INSIDE!!!

ACCIDENTAL text.

8:57 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] I know you’re just worried about me, and I get that 8:57 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] But you need to fuck off. It’s none of your business, man

HEARTBREAKING text.

6:22 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] I know I’m being an asshole doing this over text 6:22 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] But I’ve been trying for weeks to say it in person, and I just can’t. I look at you and it wipes everything else out of my brain 6:22 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] I don’t know how to commit to a guy with a kid. 6:22 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] And I know you warned me, first thing, and I know I’m being horribly selfish 6:22 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] I just. I guess I’m looking for something else. 6:22 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] I’m sorry.

/ / /

DONNY/GRAHAM-

MORNING text.

7:37 am [Graham → bitchboy] it’s cold, jackass. if you’re gonna fucking leave me here to freeze by myself you could at least turn up the heat wtf 7:37 am [Graham → bitchboy] inconsiderate motherfucker

text that WASN’T SENT.

7:36 am [Graham → bitchboy] please come back, i dont sleep as well without you

RUSHED text.

6:44 pm [Graham → bitchboy] fucking setup? target expecting me so find your leak

DRUNK text & ACCIDENTAL text.

2:57 am [Graham → bitchboy] i wasfn EXPECTING him, tyler 2:57 am [Graham → bitchboy] i mean everypnoes heard of him. what an asshole he is. cause he is. but hes this asshole who owns a TEDDY BEAR 2:59 am [Graham → bitchboy] of course you won’t believe nme but im not lyin i swear it on my mams grave 3:02 am [Graham → bitchboy] and its not his sons. its his. its so cute. hes cyte. ill stab your duck if you tell anyone 3:03 am [Graham → bitchboy] duck 3:03 am [Graham → bitchboy] duck 3:03 am [Graham → bitchboy] y ouknow.  3:04 am [Graham → bitchboy] god. 3:04 am [Graham → bitchboy] its’ terinle

SUGGESTIVE text & EXCITED text.

11:52 pm [Graham → bitchboy] finally finished up here. 11:52 pm [Graham → bitchboy] eta 47 mins, have your office clear and my reward ready ;)

LATE NIGHT text.

12:02 am [Graham → bitchboy] sometimes i feel like you’re intentionally giving me the lamest possible fucking targets. wtf. i like killing bitches that will stab me back, not pushing pathetic ass grannies down the stairs while her 50 cats watch me? im picking my own files from here on out 12:03 am [Graham → bitchboy] and im bringing the cats 12:03 am [Graham → bitchboy] maybe youll think twice before pulling this shit on me again

HATEFUL text.

6:26 pm [Graham → bitchboy] you sign my paychecks. thats it. you dont get to tell me what to do outside of that. dont get it twisted just because were fucking, asshole

RANDOM text.

8:32 pm [Graham → bitchboy] idc what we do for dinner but i really want cheesecake so

CURIOUS text.

4:30 am [Graham → bitchboy] idk what you and dj usually do for holidays. should i head out? i can crash at my old room at tys, i dont mind

SCARED text & LOVING text & HEARTBREAKING text.

4:29 am [Graham → bitchboy] idk, got me good thus time. pulling over. behind sunoco on 35. dont wnna crash but you should send someone to gt rid of the folders if not my body too by rhen. too much evidence sorry 4:30 am [Graham → bitchboy] im really sorry 4:30 am [Graham → bitchboy] i love you. sorry for not telling you until now . sorry. im so sorry

[twenty-nothing]

OneHundredFiftyNine

1. Can you remember what you were doing at 8:15 this morning? I was at work, checking emails

2. In your phone’s contacts, who is the first person listed under the letter ‘R’? When did you last see that person? Renee, I used to babysit her kids. It’s been years since I’ve seen her

3. If someone is sticking their nose into your business where it isn’t wanted, how would you deal with that? Would you say something to them? I say Yeah I don’t really feel like talking about it

4. What did you have for lunch today? Or, if you haven’t had lunch yet, what do you think you will have? I had some pretzels and pickles lmao

5. Is there someone you desperately want to see/speak to atm, but you can’t? Nope

6. Do you and your significant other have a special song? What is it? I’m single

7. If you HAD to sing something on karaoke, what song would you choose? Fergalicious lmao

8. Can you remember the last time you felt ill? What was wrong with you? A few days ago, I woke up at midnight and swear I was gonna throw up. I felt sick to my stomach the rest of the day

9. What time is it now? Are you tired? 10:27 pm. I’m getting tired

10. If you wear make-up, do you take it with you, to reapply throughout the day? Does your make-up stay for a long time after you first apply it, or do you find that you need to reapply often? Are you wearing any make-up atm? I seriously haven’t worn more than occasional lip gloss in over 5 years

11. What if you found the last person you kissed, in bed with the last person you texted? That would be fucked seeming how I last texted my mom...

12. The last person you held hands with - have you ever kissed them? Yes

13. Can you remember what your parents bought you for Christmas last year? I got 23 & Me, wooden block of knifes, gift cards, sonic toothbrush, nail polish and a ton of other shit (Only child)

14. Think about the person you fell hardest for. Why do you think your feelings for this person were so strong? How is he/she different compared to everyone else you’ve had feelings for? He was the first person I ever truly loved and he wasn’t my first but my first sexual relationship you could say. He was 11 years older than me.

30. Have you ever caught your friend cheating on their boyfriend/girlfriend? If you have, what did you do about it? If you haven’t, what do you think you would do? (Where did questions 15-29 go??)   I have not but if I did I would sit down and talk with them. I’ve been cheated on and know how fucked up it makes someone feel and I would be extremely disappointed in them.

31. When your last relationship ended, how long was it before you felt ready to think about being with someone else? About a year and a half

32. Has any of your friends ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend that you found attractive, and you would secretly have liked to have for yourself? Nope

33. How many guys do you know named Matthew? A couple, my ex is one of them...

34. Think about the last person that made you cry. Would that person be there for you if you needed help? I have no idea

35. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to sleep last night? Do you remember what you talked about? My mom, talking about houses I’m interested in

36. Has someone of the opposite sex made you cry at any point during the last 24 hours? Nope

37. Is there anything you would like to say to your most recent ex? Nope, I’d be content never speaking to him again

38. If your friends are sexually active but you aren’t, does that bother you? Have you ever felt pressured to have sex before you were ready, because your friends had done it? That is happening right now lol Doesn’t bother me. I’m just glad I don’t have to do the upkeep if you know what I’m saying lol And nope, I was the first of my friends anyway

39. In your opinion, what is the difference between having a crush and being in love? Have your own experiences helped you to realise that there is a difference? There’s a huge difference. A crush is just a silly lust feeling, being in love is committing your entire self to someone and putting them before yourself

40. Did the last person you hugged have any of these letters in their name: T, R, K, P, J? No

41. What’s the most unhealthy thing you’ve eaten in the last 24 hours? Subway and 4 cookies..

42. What was the last compliment you received from someone of the opposite sex? I can’t remember it’s been so long

43. Who did you last say ‘I love you’ to? What colour are that person’s eyes? My mom, brown

44. If you took away the first and third letters of your name, what would you then be called? Ortney

45. Name 7 things that make you happy, and explain how it might affect you if you had to give them up. Haha I couldn’t think of 7 things if I tried

46. Think about your Facebook profile photo. What kind of assumptions do you think a stranger might make about you, from seeing that photograph? Would any of these assumptions be correct? That I’m a happy person, Ehhhh

47. You buy a bar of chocolate, but you decide that you don’t want to eat it now, and put it in the fridge. When you go back later, half of it’s gone - someone else has started eating it! Who are you most likely to blame? Umm a fucking ghost seeming how I live by myself...

48. Choose 5 friends, and talk briefly about each person’s longest/most serious relationship. Who was the relationship with, and how long did it last? Girl I have 2 friends and one is my cousin lmao

49. Do you think it’s wrong for someone to commit themselves to a long-term relationship at a young age? Explain. Ehhh, I mean if they are doing it because they think they will only ever find that person and no one else then I think its kinda fucked. No one should settle on the first person they dat ebecause they think they wouldn’t be able to get anyone else..

50. Is there something happening in the near future, that you’re looking forward to? Not really

[peinde]

I'll try to give solid answers.

1) Sexuality? Pansexual. ((same 2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Ariana Grande, moby, if only to quell t)(e rumours t)(at we look alike. ((IDK i don’t really have anyone 3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. ”She arches )(er body like a cat on a stretc)(. She nuzzles )(er cunt into my face like a filly at t)(e gate. S)(e smells of the sea.” ((i don’t have any books near me ;n; 4) What do you think about most? My wife. ((adult cartoon TV wives, or if i’m angry, Bold and the Beautiful 5) What does your latest text message from someone else say? ”H3Y B4B3 W3R3 OUT OF PIZZ4 ROLLS >:[” ((”hey hun call me ASAP pls” 6) Do you sleep with or without clothes on? Wit)(out. ((with. i need to be ready to outrun zombies in the Canadian winter 7) What's your strangest talent? I can do voice impressions! ((i can’t make impressions, but i can make voices 8) Girls.... (finish the sentence); Boys.... (finish the sentence) Girls don’t like boys, girls like cars and money~! Boys will laug)( at girls w)(en t)(ey’re not funny~! ((honestly...same 9) Ever had a poem or song written about you? A couple of times... ((nah 10) When is the last time you played the air guitar? Just now w)(en I answered number 8. ((same 11) Do you have any strange phobias? No? ((a TON 12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? Yes, but only twelve times! ((no??? 13) What's your religion? Dick. (i’m technically Christian 14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Working, doing c)(ores, doing )(obbies, visiting friends or )(itting t)(e town. ((going to school or going to work 15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? In front. ((both 16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? Don’t ever ask me t)(is again. ((i guess Mother Mother, but there are quite a few 17) What was the last lie you told? ... ((i can’t remember 18) Do you believe in karma? No. ((yes 19) What does your URL mean? I keysmas)(ed, because I didn’t know w)(at to type. ((it’s Peixes + Grande but that’s only OOC knowledge 20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? My greatest weakness is me wit)(out my wife. My greatest strengt)( is my wife. ((my greatest weakness: my lack of motivation. my strength: my ability to dream 21) Who is your celebrity crush? Jason Momoa! ((Kat Dennings 22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping? Yup! ((nope! 23) How do you vent your anger? I tell me wife everyfin. ((hahaha, i don’t

24) Do you have a collection of anything? You could say t)(at... ((not really? 25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? P)(one. ((neither OMG 26) Are you happy with the person you've become? ... ((yeah. i mean i could be a lot worse off 27) What's a sound you hate; sound you love? I don’t like nails on a c)(alkboard, but I do like nails tapping on a table. ((i fucking hate children crying, but i like anything that can basically be “white noise”, like the hum of a vacuum, or the working of a portable heater 28) What's your biggest "what if"? I don’t want to talk about t)(is. ((i don’t really think about those? i mean they didn’t happen. best to just move on 29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Believe in? I mean yea)( sure. T)(ey’re everyw)(ere. T)(ey’re real w)(et)(er I believe in t)(em or not... ((yes and yes 30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. I’m grasping air. Now, I’m touc)(ing my wife’s face. ((i touched my metal storage thingy. then the wall 31) Smell the air. What do you smell? My wife’s farts. ((nothing. just the way i like it 32) What's the worst place you have ever been to? )(ig)(sc)(ool. ((any public washroom ever 33) Choose East Coast or West Coast? West! ((East!!! 34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? Does t)(e Rock count as a singer? ((IDK i used to have a crush on Pete Wentz 35) To you, what is the meaning of life? My wife. ((my Christian ass says God

36) Define Art. Out of my league. 38/ ((a necessity to man 37) Do you believe in luck? No. ((yes 38) What's the weather like right now? Sunny! ((rainy 39) What time is it? 8:23 PM ((11:23 PM 40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? No, and yes. ((no, and no 41) What was the last book you read? I’m currently reading Written on t)(e Body! ((i think it was a Sophie Kinsella book? 42) Do you like the smell of gasoline? Yes! ((yes 43) Do you have any nicknames? Lots of people call me “Fef”. ((i have many IRL nicknames, but everyone knows me by Tori 44) What was the last movie you saw? Fifty S)(ades Freed (illegally, obviously. I’m not paying for t)(at drivel.) ((Devil 45) What's the worst injury you've ever had? I’ve died, does t)(at count? ((i fell off the monkey bars at age 8 and landed right on my back 46) Have you ever caught a butterfly? Yes! ((no :( 47) Do you have any obsessions right now? I )(ave many, t)(e most important being my wife. ((i guess? i’m always obsessed with something 48) What's your sexual orientation? Wasn’t t)(is asked before? ((yeah 49) Ever had a rumor spread about you? Yes... ((yes... 50) Do you believe in magic? Again, it’s real, so yea)(. ((yup! 51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? Nope! ((Fef you fucking liar yes you do. and yes i do 52) What is your astrological sign? Cancer! ((Pisces!!! 53) Do you save money or spend it? Spend. ((both 54) What's the last thing you purchased? Pizza rolls for my wife. ((a bracelet off Aliexpress 55) Love or lust? Love! ((love 56) In a relationship? Yes! ((nope! 57) How many relationships have you had? I lost count. ((1 58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue? Yes! ((nope! 59) Where were you yesterday? At work. ((at home 60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? Yes! ((yup! 61) Are you wearing socks right now? No? ((yup! 62) What's your favorite animal? My princesses...plus you know, t)(e entire ocean. ((any sea creature 63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? Kindness! ((oh i don’t give a fuck 64) Where is your best friend? Doing activities you s)(ould NOT be questioning. ((online...talking to me 65) Spit or swallow?(; Swallow, you coward! ((i’ve never had the opportunity to do either 66) What is your heritage? Alternian! ((i’m black Caribbean 67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM? 38;3c ((i was on this hellsite 68) What do you think is Satan's last name? Natas??? ((meanie-bo-beanie 69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? Obviously??? ((obviously??? 70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? Yea)(! ((sure, why not? it’d mean i’ll know someone who shares my musical interests 71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? I’ve never been late to work? Plus, it’s a legitimate reason??? ((i’ve worked at my job for far too long and have rarely ever been late, especially too rarely for her to keep track. this argument would be completely baseless. also, it’s a legitimate reason??? 72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? It’d probubbly be fake, so no I wouldn’t say anyfin. I’d just wait until I could revive, and no I wouldn’t be afraid, you fucking coward. ((i’d tell everyone, IDK what i’d do. probably pray, sleep maybe, oh i’d be terrified 73) You can only have one of these things; trust or love. 38( ((trust 74) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? Be Alrig)(t by Ariana Grande ((Arizona Highway by the Darcys 75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? 3838 ((i’m not telling you??? 76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? Being in one like mine and Zi-Zi’s ((communication 77) How can I win your heart? --Exist. ((LOOOL good luck buddy 78) Can insanity bring on more creativity? It sure can! ((i guess! 79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? Getting married. ((going to therapy 80) What size shoes do you wear? 6 ((10 81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone? “Finally”. ((”i’ll be back” 82) What is your favorite word? Glub! ((intricate 83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. Zi-Zi. ((organs 84) What is a saying you say a lot? Glub! ((”for fuck’s sake” 85) What's the last song you listened to? Girls and Boys by Good C)(arlotte ((same 86) Basic question; what's your favorite color/colors? Baby pink, lig)(t blue, lilac, mint green. ((rose gold, burgundy, olive, turquoise, black, eggplant, fuchsia 87) What is your current desktop picture? Zi-Zi. ((on my laptop? default mountains. on my PC? Mother Mother 88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? ??? I don’t know! ((Donald Trump, probably 89) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on? ...t)(ere are a lot. ((”are you straight” 90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do? Go back to sleep. ((flip TF out and run 91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? W)(at would I want t)(at I don’t already )(ave? ((flight 92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? Being revived. ((??? none of it? leave that shit in the past my dude 93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? --Everyfin from t)(e time I was revived onward. ((what did i just say? 94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? T)(ere are so many options... ((??? 95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? New Zealand! ((Paris 96) Do you have any relatives in jail? I mig)(t, w)(o knows. ((probably 97) Have you ever thrown up in the car? Yup! ((no, but i almost did! 98) Ever been on a plane? Yup! ((yup! 99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? Most of t)(e fins I already say. ((”i can’t wait for the apocalypse”

[brightlynested]

At 41 weeks + 3 days and 4 membrane sweeps later…

I woke up Saturday morning, August 11th with mild contractions that were 20 minutes apart. They weren’t painful but I was pretty sure they were contractions because they were 20 mins on the dot for a few hours. So that morning Chris made breakfast for Kinley & I and then we headed to the grocery store to get a couple things we needed.

Towards the end of my pregnancy my midwife said we should have sex two times a day until the baby came to continue to ripen my cervix, so at 11:00 AM we put Kinley down for a nap and decided to “do it” (sorry if you’re reading this Mom & Dad! Lol!). We knew that if this was the real thing, it would kick start/speed up labor. Plus we figured, “doctor’s orders!” Haha

That immediately threw me into labor. Right off the bat, contractions were 3 mins apart. I was in shock. Could this really (and finally) be the real thing?! After an hour of contractions 3 mins apart, I called my midwife to talk it over with her. She had said sometimes sex can bring on contractions like that and then slow down a few hours later. She said I could come in if I wanted to, or stay home to labor as long as I felt comfortable doing so. Even though they were 3 minutes apart, I still felt like I had time on my side and felt comfortable staying home. The contractions eventually slowed to 5-6 mins apart, but they were definitely getting more intense. This was definitely the real thing!

Around 1:00 PM I called my bestie to come over to help us with Kinley while I continued to labor at home. I walked, and walked, and walked around my house ALL DAY. It was a hot summer day so instead of going on a walk outside we opted to stay in in the air conditioning. I wanted to stay as active as possible to keep things moving and also bring the baby down with gravity. When my legs got tired I sat on my birth ball and bounced and rolled my hips. The contractions were completely manageable all afternoon.

Around 7:00 PM (8 hours into labor) I knew it was time to head to the birth center. I started to get the “shaky labor legs” and the contractions were intensifying so I knew it was time to go. We still had a 45 minute drive ahead of us so I figured we needed to hit the road before things got too much more intense. When we arrived, my midwife checked me. I was 4 cm dilated, fully effaced, with a bulging bag of water. I was happy I was at least that far along.

For the next hour and a half I walked around the room continuously as I breathed through contractions. When I needed a break from walking, I would sit on the birth ball to bounce and roll around as much as I could. I would usually walk for 5 minutes and then sit on the ball for 5 minutes. I knew staying active would help move things along and I had prayed specifically for a fast labor. At 10 PM my contractions were 2 minutes apart and my midwife checked me again. I was only 4.5 cms dilated. She asked if I wanted her to break my water and I immediately said, “YES!” After she broke my water I got into the birthing tub to continue laboring.

Things picked up QUICK! Within about 30-45 minutes of laboring in the tub I asked my husband & midwife to grab the trashcan because I needed to throw up. I knew I was entering into transition which was 7 cm. Feeling nauseous and throwing up is usually a sign that you’re entering into transition. 

I couldn’t believe that I was already 7 cms in such a short amount of time, but I could also feel the contractions intensifying. Up until that point the pain was totally manageable. I had told my husband right after I threw up, “Wow, I’m surprised because the contractions only really hurt for about 15-20 seconds (at its peak) and the rest of the contraction is totally manageable.” But it seemed like it was only 1 minute later that I was grueling in pain for 2 minutes straight through each contraction. I knew I had passed 7 cm and was now somewhere between 8-10 cms. 

Each contraction hit me like a massive wave and I was doing my best to stay relaxed and breathe through them. Staying relaxed is one of the most important things you can do in labor. If you are tense, your cervix can also tense up and it can stall or even stop labor, so I was trying my best to hold on and stay calm. 

Before I knew it, I heard myself REALLY vocalizing through each contraction. I had to because it was the only way to keep from screaming although eventually there was some screaming— and that was okay! I knew not to resist the sounds my body was making because as I screeched trough the pain I knew my body was doing everything it needed to do.

I finally reached the point where I felt like I couldn’t take the pain. Panic set in for a moment as I wondered how much longer I had to hold on. But in that moment I remembered reading several birth stories where other women got to this same point and the very next moment the baby was born. This gave me hope she was about to be born.

My midwife began reassuring me that I was SO CLOSE. I wanted to believe her, but I was wondering if she was just telling me that to comfort me or if she was serious. The date was August 11th and my sister’s birthday is August 12th. My sister was praying hard that Harlie would be born on her birthday. I remember glancing at the clock at 11:30 PM as my midwife said, “Your baby girl doesn’t want to share birthdays with your sister, she’s going to be born before before midnight.” “Really?! I thought. Was she being serious?! I pray to Jesus she is being serious!” 

Immediately after I remember thinking, “the pain of these contractions are so intense, I can’t IMAGINE pushing during a contraction to get her out!”  

But then suddenly, I pooped.

You might be wondering why I included this, but it’s actually a fascinating part of the story! When your baby is about to be born, the baby descends deep into your pelvis and your colon literally gets flattened, therefore you poop! No need to feel embarrassed, it’s 100% normal and something that just happens in childbirth.  The cool thing was, my husband said the moment after I pooped, he saw my big, huge belly all of a sudden drop and almost flatten. The baby dropped deep into the birth canal and she was ready to make her debut. 

The next moment I screamed, “HERE SHE COMES!!!” 

I knew it was time to push, no one had to tell me. I very much wanted and prayed for this feeling. I told my midwife prior to birth that I did not want to be managed in the pushing phase and that I wanted a physiological birth, meaning I would follow my body’s lead on what to do because it knows exactly what to do on its own.

I began pushing and it was completely instinctual. I never told my midwife I was going to push and she didn’t say a word other than “GREAT JOB! GREAT PUSH!!” After 4 minutes of pushing, she was born! I was in complete shock!

Within 1 hour and 45 minutes of my midwife breaking my water, I progressed from 4.5 cm dilated to my sweet baby girl being born! 

She weighed 9 lbs 6 oz and was 22” long! 

Prior to birth, I prayed specifically for a few things: no tearing, no hemorrhoids, and a fast labor. Low and behold with a 9 lb 6 oz baby, I didn’t tear, I had no hemorrhoids, and my birth could not have been any faster. My mind was blown, and still is, how God answered each and every one of my prayers specifically and intentionally!

Delivering the Placenta

Did you know that after you deliver your baby, you have to deliver your placenta too?

After Harlie’s birth, I had to then deliver the placenta about 20 minutes later. After a few pushes it was out. After I delivered it, my midwife brought it over to show me how fascinating it was. 

Previously I thought placentas were gross, but she really opened my eyes and showed me how amazing they are! (Seriously google how amazing placentas are, its fascinating!!) 

As she was explaining how amazing placentas are to me, she told me she was particularly amazed by mine for several reasons. She took it over to the scale to weighed it and said that it was two times the size of a normal placenta. The average placenta size is around 1 lb and mine was over 2 lbs! She also could not get over the “health” of my placenta and said, “this does not look like a 41 week placenta! This looks like a 37-38 week, thriving placenta!” She said typically a 41-42 week placenta tends to not be as healthy because its losing its ability to nourish, but that was not the case for mine! She then went on to say that the health of my placenta is why my gestational age is past 41 weeks, and I should expect to go that long every pregnancy! I thought that was a really awesome fact and is a good reminder to eat healthy during pregnancy because you are nourishing your baby and your own body!

Funny side story:

About an hour or two after the baby was born, the nurse walked me to the bathroom (attached to the birthing room) to go pee and take a shower. After I went pee, the nurse stood me up to help me get into the shower. All of a sudden I got really dizzy and my arms and legs began to shake so I told her I needed to sit back down on the toilet to rest for a minute. Next thing I knew the strong scent of ammonia was hovering under my nose and I woke up to my midwife saying, “Welcome back!!” with a huge smile on her face.

“What? Did I pass out!?” “Yep you did, so we are going to postpone that shower until later!” We all had a good chuckle as the nurse helped me back to the bed. They said that my body did such a tremendous amount of work that I was just very depleted of nutrients. They told me I needed protein, carbs, and water - so good thing my bestie packed me a bagel, protein bar, and smart water in my labor bag just before we left the house. Mama straight HOUSED that food as soon as I laid down on the bed :) 

Anyway! I hope you enjoyed the read! Harlie’s birth is sooo special to me and I pray I have another one just like it! Yes, labor is painful but it’s the best type of pain— the pain of bringing a child into the world! Birth doesn’t have to be a horror story, it can actually be a dream come true.

XO,

Christi 

[shovelthefries]

🅰️ll 🅾️f theⓂ️

1: Namealex2: Agetwenty one pilots minus three3: 3 Fearshaving to install ubunturunning out of gaseverything on my hard drive getting corrupted, because that would mean reinstalling ubuntu 4: 3 things I lovedogs, drones, and bikes!5: 4 turns onconfidence, really good hair, a ticket to PyCon 2018, mccree6: 4 turns offwhen someone presses the power button again, all four of them7: My best friendhigh exarch turalyon8: Sexual orientationbi(cycle)9: My best first datewhat counts as a date10: How tall am Ifive even, i'm pretty useful in the home depot lumber section11: What do I missbeing in the robotics shop12: What time were I born6:12 pm, an unholy number 13: Favorite colorbloo14: Do I have a crushi think so 15: Favorite quote"everything dies, baby that's a factbut maybe everything that dies some day comes back"16: Favorite placeanywhere that i can pass out on17: Favorite foodnoodles, but also i had a really good brisket sandwich at my dad's place today it was like a healthy burger18: Do I use sarcasmno not at all19: What am I listening to right nowatlantic city by bruce springsteen the boss20: First thing I notice in new personif i can take them in a fight 21: Shoe sizesix but if you pay me, i can go up to a twelve 22: Eye colorbrown, apparently one that is abnormal for asians23: Hair colormidnight caramel24: Favorite style of clothingmessy, it's actually the new fad25: Ever done a prank call?no because i lose my shit in the first five seconds27: Meaning behind my URLits what i called the cheval de fries defense in 2016 because I'm Funny28: Favorite movieterminator 2 probably29: Favorite songthunder road but if it wasn't springsteen i'd probably say wish you were here/the final cut by pink floyd or read my mind by the killers. but listen that's like making me choose between my children30: Favorite banduGH what did I just say, pink floyd is up there i guess31: How I feel right nowtired, headachey, racing against hypothetical julia in answering this ask32: Someone I lovealleria windrunner33: My current relationship statustaken like bacon34: My relationship with my parentsits gotten better for sure35: Favorite holidayfourth of july because its warm36: Tattoos and piercing i havei'm bare and unstabbed37: Tattoos and piercing i wanti probably want a tattoo but idk what38: The reason I joined Tumblrprobably pjo fanart39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?well i certainly don't hate them40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?i get steaks, uchicago kid tells me good night after his last lame bot game of league41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?don't think i've kissed joseph42: When did I last hold hands?today, a few hours ago43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?not long if you don't count actually getting up44: Have I shaved your legs in the past three days?what is hair45: Where am I right now?my bed46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?either emma or art major au hanzo 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?well i like having working eardrums 48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?hell yeah i do49: Am I excited for anything?really excited to go to work and have no one be there tomorrow50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?yeah 51: How often do I wear a fake smile?i'm always wearing a fake smile52: When was the last time I hugged someone?probably today53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?depends on the situation 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?probably not i'd cut it off by now55: What is something I disliked about today?the rain was being a dickhole56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?i think we already know the answer57: What do I think about most?what i should be doing58: What’s my strangest talent?i have no talents 59: Do I have any strange phobias?yeah 60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?i prefer to eat the camera61: What was the last lie I told?"dark souls is a good game"62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?i hear carrier pigeons are making a comeback63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?ghosts? possible. aliens? yeah.64: Do I believe in magic?yeah i exist65: Do I believe in luck?no but my moms superstitions has made me paranoid of it66: What's the weather like right now?shitty and wet 67: What was the last book I've read?inheritance, again68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?not really69: Do I have any nicknames?alex is a particularly infamous one70: What was the worst injury I've ever had?either when i burned myself or when i found out my ubuntu installation didn't come with backlights71: Do I spend money or save it?hmmmmmm72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?i can touch my lip with my tongue 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?yeah there's my pink work shirt74: Favorite animal?tiger75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?probably vacuuming76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?Adobe Experience Manager77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?born to run 78: How can you win my heart?tolerate me79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?"please rez me"80: What is my favorite word?pachyderm81: My top 5 blogs on tumblruh i dont even know the blog names anymore 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?good night i am sleepy83: Do I have any relatives in jail?probably some in china84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?flying like a stealth drone, so that i go at supersonic speeds and i'm also invisible85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?"have you been giving it your all"86: What is my current desktop picture?an alliance human and an orc duking it out87: Had sex?ye88: Bought condoms?no89: Gotten pregnant?pregnant with my dreams!!90: Failed a class?not officially91: Kissed a boy?almost92: Kissed a girl?i believe so93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?its happened i think94: Had job?many job95: Left the house without my wallet?not recently since i got my license96: Bullied someone on the internet?i don't have the time for that97: Had sex in public?nope98: Played on a sports team?robotics is a SPORT FOR THE MIND99: Smoked weed?first where would i get it100: Did drugs?nop101: Smoked cigarettes?n o p102: Drank alcohol?the ask meme got me there, yeah103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?i don't think i could live104: Been overweight?no105: Been underweight?yeah 106: Been to a wedding?no 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?try ten hours108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?hm no109: Been outside my home country?yes #worldtraveler110: Gotten my heart broken?when the assassins creed revelations trailer came out and it ends with ezio's aged face being revealed i started crying111: Been to a professional sports game?that's too much112: Broken a bone?the bone that held my happiness113: Cut myself?nopee114: Been to prom?i had a date with my calculus workbook 115: Been in airplane?yes unfortunately 116: Fly by helicopter?no but it will happen117: What concerts have I been to?none concerts 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?hm idk119: Learned another language?yeah technically 120: Wore make up?i prefer my ugly vanilla look thank you very much121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?i guess yeah 122: Had oral sex?never performed it 123: Dyed my hair?like a phoenix, and then a passionate robotics member124: Voted in a presidential election?i was basically a baby in the eyes of the law before i could125: Rode in an ambulance?noooo126: Had a surgery?once as a baby, now as a mature adult who needed their wisdom teeth taken out127: Met someone famous?hell ye128: Stalked someone on a social network?nichols before i became friends with him129: Peed outside?very likely130: Been fishing?yeah it was fun131: Helped with charity?yeeee132: Been rejected by a crush?this implies that i take initiative133: Broken a mirror?twice due to somersaults134: What do I want for birthday?a cd with all my spotify music burned onto it

[deathbyyoongi]

If I Lived 400 Years... (M)

BTS; Hoseok/J-Hope

Genre: Smut | Fluff

Word count:  2.4k

Description: You and Hobi celebrate his birthday together.

A/N: Sinning + ultra cheesiness. I wrote this in like a day and a half and its 7 am and I haven’t slept yet so sorry if its horrible. Honestly I am god awful at fluff so I’m so sorry again. Um, @seokvie gave me the tummy fluff idea and it spread from there.

Happy Birthday to our dearest sunshine, Hobi!! ^^ 

You awoke to the low hum of the television and small breaths above you. You almost panicked until you saw the red numbers on the clock read 10:15 pm on the table next to the bed. A sigh of relief left your throat as you thought you had slept all night without setting the alarm to get up in the morning. You sat up slightly, looking at Hoseok above where you lay on his chest. He always looked so beautiful, but when he was sleeping and after what you had done the few hours prior left him glowing more than normal. His brassy colored hair was pushed off his forehead messily and his lips parted ever so slightly as the tiny noises left them, his arm still secured around your waist loosely.

Your fingers ran lightly up his bare chest up to his neck then traced over his jaw as you just stared at him unable to comprehend just how lucky you had been to run into him that night at the dance club. How drunken sex that night four years ago would turn into something more amazing than what you had ever experienced. More than any high that had ever taken over your body, more drunk than you had ever been in your life. The love he showered you in was more than anything you could have ever wanted for yourself. Waking up to him almost every single day still made you smile. When he kissed you in that particular way that still made butterflies fill every single one of your nerve endings. His smile still made you smile bigger than anything ever could. Even when you fought with him, he still came to you after and either fucked the anger out of you or carefully apologized even if it wasn’t his fault. Hoseok was just too perfect for you in every way possible, but you could never see yourself being with anyone else and so in love.

You moved so your lips could attach to his jaw, making him shift a little, but not wake up completely. You peppered kisses onto his neck and down his chest, your hands following along with your mouth. A soft groan left his lips, but he still hadn’t woken up yet so you continued down to his stomach where you stopped to leave lingering kisses over it as you stared up at him, watching as his eyelids started to flutter a little. You sucked on the soft golden flesh as your tongue ran over it before pulling away and blowing some cool air onto the spot. His chest was almost heaving at that point, but still not awake so you shifted carefully out of his grasp to in between his legs where his erection started to form against the sheets. Careful to avoid his sensitive member, you proceeded to nip just beside his navel before leaving an open mouth kiss on the skin then sucking lightly in between kisses. Your hands ran up his sides then held right under his ribs as your tongue ran over the now bruised spot at a painfully slow pace.

“Pretty rude of you to be teasing me like this when its still my birthday don’t you think, sweetheart?” his deep, groggy voice made you pull your face away from him, startled at how abrupt his words were, but you recovered quickly.

“I was just seeing if you would wake up before I got to your dick,” you smirked as you deviously flicked your tongue over his belly button.

“Why don’t you come sit on it and find out how awake I am then?”

The shiver down your spine interrupted your thoughts and made them sputter for a second before you reigned them back in. You kissed at his stomach some more, feeling the muscles clench under each touch as your hands still held at his sides. You attached your mouth slightly lower this time, just above his pelvic bone and sucked languidly on the soft skin. He groaned in his throat, not daring to let the sound escape his lips, and his head fell back against the pillows. His hips raised a little as you were so dangerously close to his throbbing cock and he could barely stand it. You nipped at his hip bone, making him audibly gasp and sit up, and he was now staring down at you darkly, daring you to make another move.

You simply pouted up at him as your body moved a bit lower so your tongue could swirl around the head of his leaking member as your hand began to pump it slowly. Hoseok’s eyes softened only slightly and his abdomen flexed at the contact as he tried to hold back any reaction, but you could feel how painfully hard he was under your hand. Your mouth sunk down on him and he let out a deep groan as your tongue pressed down hard.

“Fuck, baby,” he stared down at you, mouth full of his cock, and in that instant he felt the arousal become too much for him. One of his hands threaded into your hair and balled into a fist before pressing you down further onto him slowly. You knew he would want to take control so you took him inch by inch into your throat until your nose was buried against his abdomen. “You always knew how to swallow me so well, love. Are you ready?”

You nodded as well as you could and you knew what was to come. He didn’t make you so this except for on special occasions and of course on his birthday every year, this was one of his gifts from you.

Hoseok leaned back onto his elbow so he could still see you, but could get good leverage as his hips shifted upwards in a slow pace. His hand held your head in place as he began setting a rougher pace and you focused on your breathing through your nose and shut your eyes to keep the tears from burning them.

“God—Y/N…” His voice trailed off into a moan as his hips snapped up to your face harshly and he groaned into the sweaty atmosphere. Your name along with strings of curses fell from his lips in mangled chants as his cock hit the back of your throat, making you choke on him ten times over. The constrictions of your throat got him closer to where he wanted to be so quickly. The grip on your hair was so tight, so painful, yet filled you with so much pleasure as he thrusted into your throat.

You blinked up at him, letting the tears fall from your eyes, but seeing his face in pure and utter pleasure. His head was tilted back so his neck was on full display, his jawline sharp as ever and his lips parted, heavy, quick pants coming from them. You whimpered at the rawness in your throat, but tried to push down the feeling and focus on getting him where he needed to be.

“I’m almost there, baby,” he strained to say as his pace picked up a little, trying so hard to reach his end. “So fucking close… You are such a good girl—oh fuck! So good.”

His praising allowed you to power through it all, focusing on the beautiful deep whimpers coming from his throat like clockwork as he came to his end, spilling his warm seed down the back of your throat which allowed you to swallow it easily. He pulled you off him swiftly, his hand still in your hair, but loosely so he could rub over the back of it, gently massaging it as a silent apology for being so rough.

“God, sweetheart. You are gonna be the death of me. Come here,” he spoke as he pulled himself up against the headboard and moved you onto him so you were straddling his lap, your arms falling onto his shoulders and fingers threading into his hair. His large hands came up to your face, thumbs wiping away any excess wetness from the tears. “You are so damn beautiful, you know that?”

Heat filled your cheeks as you shied away from him, but he grabbed your chin gently so you would continue looking at him. His eyes deep pools of lust and love all at the same time, and you were sure yours were the same. He was everything you ever dreamed of having and so much more. His forehead pressed to yours and he sighed deeply before pecking his lips against yours, holding them there unmoving for a few seconds as he inhaled deeply through his nose then pulled away.

“I love you so, so much,” his hand pushed your sweaty hair back as he stared at you again.

“I love you too Hoseok, more than I ever thought my heart could bare to love anyone,” you admitted in a groggy voice, your fingers twirling in the hair at his neck. He smiled widely at you, that amazing, sunshine smile that lit up every single thing in your life. His hands moved from your face down to your waist where his fingers pressed into the flesh of your back, urging you to move.

“Hobi, are you sure you can go for another round?” you chuckled and all he did was smirk back at you.

“I’ll be a little sore tomorrow, but god the thought of you sitting on me makes it hard to resist,” he glanced over at the clock which read 11:42 pm before flicking his eyes back to you. “besides, Its still my birthday and you have to do what I say right, love?” You simply nodded at him as your hips rolled against his semi-hard dick. His mouth found your sweat stricken skin, tongue running over the saltiness before sucking on it. He left hot open mouthed kisses over your chest, your fingers tugging at his hair gently as your wetness dripped down onto his almost fully hard member.

“Hobi…” you whispered next to his ear as you felt the arousal rising in your stomach just from grinding yourself down on his lap. Suddenly his hands were on your ass, lifting you up so you could find his length quickly and position it under you as you sank down slowly. A deep growl left his lips when you bottomed out on him, his hands still on your ass and waiting for you to move. You reveled in the fullness of how his cock sat in you for a few seconds longer than you should have.

Hoseok’s mouth reattached itself to your skin just at your jawline as he nipped at the flesh until he felt you start to move to which he groaned into your skin. His hands helped you move on him easily. Your fingers pulled harder on his tresses as your hips picked up the pace, making him growl into your skin and biting harder down on it. Your hips moved fluidly over him, your breaths starting to pick up and little whimpers fell from your parted lips as his cock hit deep inside you.

“Hobi—fuck…” your head fell back and he mouthed over your exposed neck before placing one of his hands on the back of your neck and forcing you to come face to face with him.

“Look at me sweetness,” he spoke breathlessly and you could tell by the way his voice was shaking that he was close already. You stared deeply into his eyes, blinking slowly as your breaths fanned over his face and you continued rolling your hips as quickly as you could over him. “You gotta come for me, okay? Please, please baby.”

Hoseok’s hand reached between your thighs and ran his middle finger over your clit, making you clench over him and he groaned loudly. His finger circled quickly over you, pushing you closer to the edge. Your nails raked at his scalp as your eyes still tried their very hardest to focus on his, tears forming in the corners of them as your end drew near.

“Oh—shit!” you cried out as you came over him so hard you felt like you were in space, floating in the galaxies unknown. Your center squeezed around him and not three rolls of your hips later he was shooting his cum inside you with a deep growl as he kept his eyes on yours. Once the high came down, you sat on top of him for a minute, foreheads pressed together, sweat beads mingling into one as your fingers ran over his scalp, through his hair gently, catching each other’s breaths.

Hoseok rolled you both to the side as he slid out of you, but still held you close to him as he peppered kisses on your face. “I swear to god you make me the happiest man on this earth,” he chuckled through his pecks to your skin before getting up and coming back with a warm cloth and wiping you down with it tenderly. He flopped back down next to you, pulling to into him and kissing the top of your head as you settle into his chest. You glanced over at the clock again as it read 12:26 am and you poked him and pointed at the beaming red numbers.

“Well shit, four years ago today was the first time we slept together,” he smiled down at you, his fingers tracing up and down your spine slowly. “Who knew they would be the best four years of my life?” his rhetorical question came out as a whisper and you hummed into his chest. “I can’t wait to spend the next four years with you,” his finger tilted your chin up as he leaned down to peck your lips. “and the next fourteen,” another peck. “and the next forty,” a longer peck. “If I lived four hundred years, I would still be with you, loving you as much as I do today.” His radiant smile shined down at you then your hand came up to caress his cheek and he leaned into it, pressing his lips against your palm a few times.

“I would still be loving you too Hoseok,” you beamed back at him before chuckling. “Even though you wouldn’t be nearly as hot as you are now, and you definitely wouldn’t be able to come four times in one night, but yeah I’ll still love you.” His eyes narrowed at you before he squeezed you so tightly that you couldn’t breathe. “Happy Birthday Hoseok,” you kissed his chest then leaned into it, slowly drifting off into a slumber that was lulled by his steady beating heart. A heart that loved you with its entirety.

[sadrien]

wanna chat? pt. 17

on ao3 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17

i said a bunch of things in the note on ao3 but its like. sooo long so yeah just check that out please and thanks ilysm 

(son of a gunn = adrien, the worst = alya, lol death = nino, its red = mari)

what is happening in this anymore

5:37

son of a gunn: NASA!!! PLANETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH

son of a gun has changed their name to trappist

 6:42

the worst: as adorable as it is to see u nerd out like the loser u are sleep boi

trappist: WHO CAN SLEEP AT A TIME LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

lol death: hello my dudes why are we yelling

trappist: NASA!!!!!!!!!

lol death: nice the one good thing the americans gave us

the worst: what about youtube

lol death: shit youre right what about nasa bro

trappist: SEVEN NEW PLANETS!!! Oh my god oh my god Ok so it’s actually probably best if you just read stuff on it??? Because I don’t know if I’m going to explain it well I mean I definitely won’t btu NASA found seven planets orbiting TRAPPIST-1!!! And three are in the habitable zone of the star which is !!!!!!!!!!

the worst: this is rlly cute but im also lost

lol death: yo my man if youre free at all today you can ramble/show me as many videos/articles as youd like

trappist: REally???

lol death: of course! i love hearing you talk about stuff like this man the day the confirmed gravitational waves was awesome

trappist: WASN’T IT??????!?!?!?!!! Anyway!! They’re nicknamed Goldilocks planets Al!!

the worst: o shit i know what that means!!!

trappist: The three in the habitable zone are the best candidates for supporting life!!!!!!!!

the worst: does this mean

lol death: holy shit

the worst: alIENS  

trappist: ALIENS!!!!!!

lol death: a l i e n s

 7:13

its red: I love you all but why do you not sleep

lol death: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAAlDoAtV7Y

the worst: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWXXA1p618c

trappist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQoRXhS7vlU Wow

the worst: awww i love u 2 <3 <3

its red: ………….. Im going back to bed

trappist: MarI WAIT BUT ALIEN S

its red: Im not watching any conspiracy videos

trappist: IT’S NOT A CONSPIRACY THERE’S JUST ALMOST NO WAY THAT WE CAN BE THE ONLY LIFEFORMS IN THE UNIVERSE

its red: Get moRE SLEEP

the worst: WHY ARE WE YELLING

lol death: ILLUMINATI

the worst: *X FILES THEME SONG*

its red: YOU LITERALLY DID THAT 5 MINUTES AGO

trappist: MARI LET ME YELL ABOUT SPACE

its red: SPACE IS SCARY

trappist: YOU’RE SCARY

lol death: DUDE ILL MEET YOU AT SCHOOL I HOPE YOURE READY TO YELL

trappist: I ALWAYS AM

its red: CAN WE STOP USING CAPS NOW

the worst: N E V E R

its red: FUC K

 16:05

the worst: should pluto be a planet again discuss (spoiler: it should)

trappist: I don’t know…

the worst: u donT BELIEVE IN PLUTO

trappist: I mean If Pluto is a planet so is Ceres and a bunch of other celestial bodies past Neptune? If I’m remembering right, I haven’t read up on this in a while

the worst: firsT OF ALL VIVA LA PLUTO FUCK U

the worst has renamed this conversation to “viva la pluto fuck u”.

the worst has changed their name to pluto is better than u

trappist: Wow I mean… Hell, Al Next you’re going to say there’s only 86 elements on the periodic table Data changes!!! That’s how science works!

pluto is better than u: SECOND OF ALL TELL THAT TO NASA SCIENTISTS PLUTO IS A PLANETTTTT

trappist: Why am I telling this to NASA

pluto is better than u: PLUTO MIGHT BE A PLANET AGAIN FUCK U

trappist: Wait what??? Since when????

pluto is better than u: i thought u were the resident nerd shouldnt u b up 2 date on all this???

trappist: No???

pluto is better than u: google is ur friend

trappist: … Alya this was literally DAYS AGO How would I know this????? Also, the official NASA site hasn’t changed I trust the scientists and NASA. If/when they make an official announcement, I’ll get back to you on Pluto’s planetary status

pluto is better than u: nerd

trappist: <3

 16:25

lol death: @adrien on my way dude hope youre ready to scream about space

trappist: !!!!! <3 <3 <3

 19:16

its red: I keep missing space talk Sigh

pluto is better than u: is pluto a planet mari

its red: Pluto is whatever it wants to be

pluto is better than u: cop out

 20:02

lol death has changed their name to space bro

space bro: first of all seeing adrien nerd out about space is probably the cutest thing ever second of all thiS IS SO RAD LIKE DUDES!!!! MAYBE BLACK PLANTS???? 20 DAY YEAR SEEING THE SURFACE OF A PLANET FROM ANOTHER PLANET!!!!!!! TH EFUCK

trappist: I KNOW!!!!!!!!

its red: Hmmm I need a space name

its red has changed their name to galaxy print

galaxy print: Perfect

space bro: adrien is literally like vibrating hes so excited this is adorable?

trappist: Space is so cool!!! I wanted to be an astronaut when I was little for a while! My mom taught me so many stars I HAV E TO TELL CHLOE

galaxy print: ???

pluto is better than u: i didnt know chloe liked space

trappist: She knew more about stars than I did growin gup  Ok brb

space bro: have fun dude!!

PM between galaxy print and pluto is better than u

galaxy print: Alyaaaaaaaaaaaaa

pluto is better than u: i kno babe ohhh i kno

galaxy print: Hes so cute and Im dying

pluto is better than u: same?? u can get through this

galaxy print: AaaaahhHHHHHHHH

21:24 in viva la pluto fuck u

trappist: I love space

pluto is better than u: go 2 bed nerd

trappist: It’s not that late! Besides, I don’t think anyone else is asleep Role call

galaxy print: Shhhh Im trying to work on a dress The pattern is lowkey killing me

pluto is better than u: aww rip

trappist: I’m sure it’s beautiful

galaxy print: <3

space bro: im just working on some tracks ill bring them to school tomorrow cause i need a second opinion

pluto is better than u: !!!!! im ready

trappist: Told you everyone was awake Al

pluto is better than u: fite me man everyone is doing creative stuff i feel lame r u doing creative stuff marshmallow

trappist: Nah I’m reading more science articles

pluto is better than u: ok not surprising does this mean i have to entertain myself?? youtube here i come

 22:06

pluto is better than u: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UvrhoQdz7GQ&feature=youtu.be

 22:17

galaxy print: Alya wtf

pluto is better than u: this is why u dont leave me alone

 22:21

trappist: That vampire looks traumatized

space bro: why is a pumpkin hitting on a vampire

pluto is better than u: The Straights r at it again

galaxy print: Alya I hate you

pluto is better than u: <3

 22:28

pluto is better than u: 2 make up for that here u go https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4A50UmcbZoE i swear its cool

trappist: Oh my god this must’ve taken forever????

pluto is better than u: r u gonna nerd out now?

trappist: ………...no The physics of the bottles to get them to hit the right note— Ok yes

pluto is better than u: wanna call? i kno its late but im so very very bored

trappist: Bored enough to listen to me talk about the physics of sound?

pluto is better than u: hmmm yes u can yell about planets too

trappist: Nice Ok give me two seconds

PM between pluto is better than u and trappist

22:34: Call started

PM between pluto is better than u and space bro

pluto is better than u: how is he like this

space bro: adrien??

pluto is better than u: yup hes so excited>?? what is this

space bro: get used to it man he literally never stops

pluto is better than u: i kno i call him sunshine byt om g

space bro: same tbh

PM between pluto is better than u and galaxy print

pluto is better than u: ur bf is too cute for me im dyin g

galaxy print: Oh myg od we arent dating al

pluto is better than u: get on that girl oh my god

galaxy print: Hes really cute though isnt he omg I hat ehim

pluto is better than u: uh huh

PM between pluto is better than u and trappist

23:52: Call ended: 1 hour 18 minutes 22 seconds

pluto is better than u: @skype why r u like this

trappist: Hey it worked for a lot longer than usual!! This is probably a sign that I should sleep You too

pluto is better than u: :/// k fine night adrien!! <3 <3 <3

trappist: Night Al<3

[tea-and-toblerones]

I hijacked this.

1: Name:: Deanna 2: Age:: 24 3: 3 Fears:: spiders, being told I love you when they really don't, utter failure 4: 3 things I love:: Video games, music and art 5: 4 turns on:: Dorkiness, awkwardness, kindness and a sense of humor 6: 4 turns off:: flip floppy behavior, narcissism, arrogance, and thinking yo ass is better than everyone else. 7: My best friend:: @bestiejessie 8: Sexual orientation:: Hetro, but with an appreciation for the female form 9: My best first date:: pff, I'll let you know when that happens, yeah? I've never really been taken out 10: How tall am I:: 5′7" 11: What do I miss:: being as carefree as I was 12: What time were I born:: Monday, August 24, 1992 at 9:18 PM 13: Favourite color:: Red. Blood red. 14: Do I have a crush:: My heart only poops it's pants for celebs and fictional characters at the mo'. It's easier that way. 15: Favourite quote:: “I may be an asshole, but I'm not a 100% Dick" Peter "Star Lord" Quill 16: Favourite place:: By the water. On the water. Floating in the water. I love water. 17: Favourite food:: PIZZA IS LIFEEEEE 18: Do I use sarcasm:: Nah mate, not at all. 19: What am I listening to right now:: The Final Fantasy VII Soundtrack 20: First thing I notice in new person:: eyes, scent, timbre of voice, and their vibe 21: Shoe size:: 8 22: Eye color:: gunsteel blue 23: Hair color:: medium brown. For now. 24: Favourite style of clothing:: Grunge queen in the fall/winter Cute and lacy in the spring/summer 25: Ever done a prank call?:: not that I'm aware. I have terrible anxiety 27: Meaning behind my URL:: I just love tea and toblerones mate. 28: Favourite movie:: Howl's Moving Castle 29: Favourite song:: Yellow by Coldplay 30: Favourite band:: Imagine Dragons 31: How I feel right now:: Chill/excited 32: Someone I love:: EVERYONE. Cept for one single person. 33: My current relationship status:: Emotionally attached to a fictional character cos I'm trash. That answers that, eh? 34: My relationship with my parents:: Me and my mam are tight. My dad...nah mate, not so much. 35: Favourite holiday:: HALLOWEEN BITCHES! 36: Tattoos and piercing I have:: My gauges. 37: Tattoos and piercing I want:: Sylleblossoms and a sword from FFX, Calcifer from Howl's Moving Caste, a sea scape, trees, a dragon... 38: The reason I joined Tumblr:: I needed an Ed outlet before my friends murdered me. 39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?:: He cut his face open to be more like Ed so I would take him back. I don't hate anyone, but that boy is pretty damn close to it. 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?:: My brother texts me WAKE UP from time to time. Do those count? 41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?:: Texted, yeah. Messaged, nah, just licked their face. 42: When did I last hold hands?:: romantically? Last year. In general? Last night. 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?:: pff what is this morning you speak of? 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?:: Sure have. 45: Where am I right now?:: In the FFXV/Ed trash heap where I belong. 46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?:: Jessie if they're not already passed out. 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? :: loud 48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? :: unfortunately 49: Am I excited for anything?:: THIS WEEKEND 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?:: yes 51: How often do I wear a fake smile?:: 25% of the time? Ish 52: When was the last time I hugged someone?:: earlier today 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?:: I be surprised he grew a spine and kissed a girl other than me, but that's about it. Probably cheer him on. Get him a drink. I'm such a bro 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?:: nah mate, I hardly trust anyone 55: What is something I disliked about today?:: almost falling outta a chair cos I fell asleep 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?:: Ed Sheeran 57: What do I think about most?:: that I'm trapped in a stagnate place and I'll never get free from it. 58: What’s my strangest talent?:: I can remember exactly how people/ feel. Like their skin and whatnot, like I'm physically touching them, but im not. And their scent and their voice. And their eyes. Is that a talent? 59: Do I have any strange phobias?:: the snuggle bear creeps me the fuck out. 60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?:: behind 61: What was the last lie I told?:: that I was gonna go to bed early. Does it count if it's to yourself? 62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?:: video chatting cos I have a fear that people can't understand what I'm saying due to the fact I used to have an impediment with a lisp so at least they can read my lips. 63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? :: sure do. Seen em. Felt em. Have one thats attached to me. He's cool. Chases away the bad stuff. And yeah this universe is way to big for us to be the only ones 64: Do I believe in magic?:: yep 65: Do I believe in luck?:: very much so 66: What’s the weather like right now?:: kinda coldish? But not terrible (I'm horrible at judging how cold it is. I never wear a jacket) 67: What was the last book I’ve read?:: King Killer Chronicles 68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?:: I'm weird so of course I do 69: Do I have any nicknames?:: Nanna (which I always go by) 70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?:: um, well one of my insides got very angry with me and hurt and I couldn't move and was fevered and puking and made my back hurt. I was too stubborn to go get checked out so I dunno what happened but it got better on its own. 71: Do I spend money or save it?:: both. Usually save though 72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?:: I've got quite the long tongue, I can actually stick it up my nose if I tried. (Drunk me has) 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?:: Not that I can see 74: Favourite animal?:: Foxes, Ravens, and raccoons 75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?:: Partying with my ladies getting ready to bar hop with the band 76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?:: Morningstar. He owns a nightclub called Lux in LA. 77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?:: Thrift Shop 78: How can you win my heart?:: by being an adorable awkward dorky nerd like me 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?:: something utterly ridiculous probably 80: What is my favorite word? :: probably a swear. 81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr @weareedsobfg (imma cheat too) @ferskendag, @tenerife-lucy @lordedsheeran, uh....I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? :: pterodactyl noises and arm flaps cos social anxiety 83: Do I have any relatives in jail?:: it would be quicker to list the ones that weren't. 84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?:: the power of imagination (whatever I can imagine happens) 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?:: How do you feel 86: What is my current desktop picture?:: A picture of graveyard I took in New Orleans 87: Had sex?:: yeah 88: Bought condoms?:: yeah 89: Gotten pregnant?:: no 90: Failed a class?:: math. All the math 91: Kissed a boy?:: yeah 92: Kissed a girl?:: yeah 93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?:: I have in the snow 94: Had job?:: yeah had job 95: Left the house without my wallet?:: almost everytime 96: Bullied someone on the internet?:: Nah mate 97: Had sex in public?:: Sure have 98: Played on a sports team?:: INDOOR PERCUSSION BITCHES 99: Smoked weed?:: Not smoked it, but had some pretty delicious banana nut pot bread. 100: Did drugs?:: besides the pot bread, nah mate 101: Smoked cigarettes?:: No 102: Drank alcohol?:: Oh yeah 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?:: Once upon a time 104: Been overweight?:: very much so 105: Been underweight?:: when I was born 106: Been to a wedding?:: I've been to so many 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?:: ALL DAY, ERRYDAY 108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?:: I'm a binge watching mofo 109: Been outside my home country?:: no but I wanna 110: Gotten my heart broken?:: yeah 111: Been to a professional sports game?:: Yes and I don't even like sports. 112: Broken a bone?:: surprisingly no 113: Cut myself?:: all the time on accident 114: Been to prom?:: no, I was the weird loner outsider kid. You know the one. 115: Been in airplane?:: Sure have 116: Fly by helicopter? :: no but I've been in one 117: What concerts have I been too?:: Alice Cooper and Watch Them Rot 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?:: Kinda ish. 119: Learned another language?:: I used to know a lil Spanish but now, not so much 120: Wore make up?:: every time I leave the house even though I don't need it anymore cos I got my eczema under control (the miracle of aloe yall) 121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?:: Nope 20 122: Had oral sex?:: I have 123: Dyed my hair?:: so much. 124: Voted in a presidential election?:: No 125: Rode in an ambulance?:: Nope 126: Had a surgery?:: Nope 127: Met someone famous?:: uh, mickey, minnie, goofy and pluto? 128: Stalked someone on a social network?:: who hasnt? 129: Peed outside?:: so many times 130: Been fishing?:: yep 131: Helped with charity?:: yep 132: Been rejected by a crush?:: *laughs to infinity* CAN'T BE IF YOU NEVER TELL EM (yes, yes I have. Indirectly) 133: Broken a mirror?:: So many I'm cursed forever 134: What do I want for birthday?:: the same thing I wanted last year. A hot ginger. (And video games. Always video games) 135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?:: 2 boys. And maybe like William or James or something weird cos I love weird names 136: Was I named after anyone? :: Deanna Troi from Star Trek: the Next Generation. 137: Do I like my handwriting?:: yeah it's pretty okay 138: What was my favourite toy as a child?:: MY PINK POWER RANGER ACTION FIGURE 139: Favourite Tv Show?:: Supernatural, Sherlock, Doctor Who, American Horror Story, Arrow, Flash, Legends of Tomorrow...don't make me pick one. 140: Where do I want to live when older?:: with someone I care about. 141: Play any musical instrument?:: piano, marimba, xylophone, vibraphone, bells, drums, guitar (not well, I have ZERO rhythm) 142: One of my scars, how did I get it?:: playing with my dog 143: Favourite pizza toping?:: If I had to pick one, pepperoni but mushroom olive and pineapple please 144: Am I afraid of the dark?:: nah, that's where all the stars are 145: Am I afraid of heights?:: nah 146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?:: no, I was a mild child 147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?:: Oh you mean my life? 148: What I’m really bad at:: everything 149: What my greatest achievments are:: well I stopped someone from killing themselves. I also tend to make people laugh and feel better. 150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me:: I only said I loved you so you would stay (though literally already knew it but worst fear right there) 151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery:: get outta debt. Get my friends outta debt. 152: What do I like about myself:: people say I'm sunshine. I like that. 153: My closest Tumblr friend:: @ferskendag and @tenerife-lucy 154: Something I fantasise about:: being happy with someone I care about, being financially stable while doing my dream job and traveling the world. 155: Any question you’d like? Do you know the muffin man?