#its still consistent its just like. harder to summerize shortly and neatly

[mischiefsystem]

Secondary truths for healthy relationships:

A disagreement is not a fight.

Some people will say it is normal for healthy couples to fight. This is a lie. If you are fighting, something has gone wrong. It is normal for healthy couples to disagree. It is normal for them to upset each other. You can handle these things in a way that is noncombative. If you truely care about someone elses feelings and want to listen and understand, and they do the same for you, you will never have a fight, because any disagreement or upset feeling will be approached with a desire to understand, to find out the truth and best solution (not always a compromise; sometimes someone is right and someone is wrong and its important to be able to admit that), and to show care for everyones feelings (even if someone is in the wrong they deserve comfort and understanding and will be given this in a truely healthy relationship).

One should not approach someone simply disagreeing with you as if they are trying to fight, and one should not treat a fight where someone is hostile and aggressive to you as if it is merely a disagreement.

2. Talking about your feelings is important to have a close relationship.

In any close relationship, and ideally in any relationship where it is safe to do so, it is important to talk about your feelings. If you cannot talk about your feelings, that means you are unsafe. You should be able to talk about All of your feelings. There is no such thing as something too small. Practice working through smaller conflict is important to being able to work through something larger later on. If you just bury being upset about something minor, you will have no practice talking to someone about being upset when it is higher stakes. Someone it is good to have a relationship with will appreciate your honesty, and the ability to be honest with you, as long as you are never accusatory (I statements are your friend) and handle these things in a healthy way.

However, you do not owe anyone talking about your feelings! Most people are not safe to do this with. They will hurt you with the knowledge you give. It is still important to *try* with anyone you have an optional relationship with, so that if they do hurt you, you know you can stop wasting your energy on them and cut them off. (It may not be worth it to try in a relationship that is required and where the other person has power over you, like a boss or parent.)

You must not expect people to be able to read you mind, and know anything you do not tell them. But you do not owe them an explanation for everything before you act (like if you feel unsafe, it is ok to cut someone off without an explanation. Do not let them guilt you with something like 'i thought you beleived in talking about everything!' you talk about everything When It is Safe.)

Fundamental truths:

1. Feelings are not facts.

Just because you feel something does not make it true. Just because someone else feels something does not make it true.

2. It is okay to be upset.

Just because someone upset you does not mean they did something wrong. Just because you upset someone else does not mean you did something wrong. Youre also not doing anything wrong by feeling mad or sad. There are no such thing as mean feelings, only mean actions.

3. Feelings happen for a reason.

Do not ignore them. While you shouldnt take them at face value its important to figure out where theh are coming from. And if you conclude its because "im just crazy", someone may be gas lighting you. Even if a feeling is caused by mental illness youre never 'just crazy'.

4. No one is entitled to control other people.

It doesnt matter if they say its for your own good. If someone is trying to force you to do something against your will, thats bad. Its ok to have suggestions, to present information, and to express its what you want someone to do, but it needs tk be clear its ok to say no, and to actually be safe to say no to, and not lash out using anger or anxiety or love as a weapon.

5. Actions are a choice.

It doesnt matter how sad or mad or anxious or in love someone is. What they choose to do with that is a choice. There is no such thing as "I had to hurt you, you made me angry" or "I had to control you to do what I think is best for you, i love you so much". These are lies. They wanted to so they did. Its always a choice. You have a choice, other people have a choice. Do not accept people blaming their decisions on their emotions or on other peoples actions. People need to take responsibility for their own choices.