#journal entry ᝰ.ᐟ

[ljubimaya]

Kazutora and Keisuke fall in love very differently.

Kazutora falls in love easily and quickly. It's like Cupid himself pointed his arrows at the poor young man and shot at him wih scary accuracy when Kazutora first laid his eyes on you. Loving you is easy for Kazutora; one might even say it's like breathing air or fish swimming. It's natural. It comes easy to Kazutora. Perhaps it comes as a consequence for his need for a safe space, or the want to loved as intensely as he does. Whatever the case may be, it wouldn't take long for you to catch on to his adoration towards you. From him hitting you up whenever he can, to showing interest in your hobbies to inivting you to hang out one on one, Kazutora is not afraid to make you feel loved.

As for Keisuke, love isn't as easy. I like to think of him as a non-romantic; he doesn't seek it out actively, and neither does he fall in love at first sight. Keisuke might even scoff at romace, finding it sappy and boring and perghaps, even unrealistic. Sure, he'd die for his friends, but romantic love surely wasn't in the books for him. Or was it? For him, love is like building a ladder. First comes, you become an acquaintance, then a friend, eventually a best friend before he falls for you. It will take him some time to realize his feelings, and even more to confess. Though, the fear of complicating and ruining a good friendship might linger in his mind before he gets his act together, the need to come clean will overpower his doubts, especially when he thinks to recognize your subtle ways of affection as a confirmation of your reciprocal feelings.

[chanranghaeys]

📝 here, there, and everywhere

This journal belongs to: me. If found, please contact this number. (And please do not read it—unless you want to read the ramblings of a person who fails to deny their feelings for a certain someone.)

pairing: lee chan x gn!reader word count: 2.5k+ genre: fluff for (belated) happy chan day and carat day! rating: pg tags: college friends, they grew up, time skips between entries, mutual pining, happy (open) ending, stream of consciousness, excessive italics, please read the whole thing as if it were a private journal of sorts warnings: mentions of alcohol, death of a family member (brief mention, off the page)

a/n: this is a self-indulgent piece on my ultimate crush and the love of my (kpop) life, lee chan. i can’t keep denying you, so here we go. in an alternate universe, you would’ve been my best friend that i loved to hate and hated to love, until one of us finally gave in to our feelings and hoped for the best. happy birthday chan! you’ve given me nothing but color in my life ever since i became a carat. i wish you all the beautiful flower paths ahead ✨

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁ masterlist . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁

✎﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

Dear Chan,

You must think me pathetic if you ever found one of these letters.

It sucks…this little crush I’ve discovered I have on you. And I am only saying this ONCE on the page. And to no one else. Because when you talk about a crush, it only grows, right?

So I'll just talk about it to myself.

I hate crushes because they are so unexplainable. They’re unexplainable feelings that latch on to you so hard and never let you go until you fumble and mess up and just make an utter fool of yourself.

I first found out I had a crush on you last month.

I had long admired you from afar through your dancing. You’re beautiful when you dance—in the zone, focused, bursting with energy. I’m genuinely jealous of how you can do the things you do with your body, how you tell such beautiful stories with every little move you make.

But it was that time during a production runthrough—the simultaneous evaluations—where you made that one mistake almost fatal to your team on that one sequence you spent weeks perfecting.

Yet there you were onstage, just laughing it off. So instead of your team being anxious or frustrated, they just laughed along with you.

It turned out to be the best performance of the night, your laughing played off as banter and camaraderie by the guest audiences.

That’s when I first felt the intense grip of this thing called feelings on my poor little heart.

Absolutely disgusting.

Anyway.

This “writing letters I'll never send to you” is all just for me to really process all these feelings I’ve discovered for you. No other reason aside from that. In my head, this is a form of acknowledgment so I can easily get over whatever this is.

So yeah. Feelings. A crush. On you—someone younger than me—of all people. I can’t believe it.

Yours truly,

Me

— ✐ᝰ.ᐟ —

Dear Chan,

We were crossing the street when you suddenly held my hand. You did that to pull me to the other side of the road farther from the direction of the car.

“Be careful,” you said.

I shouldn’t feel special. Maybe you do this with everyone else anyway.

I hate how I can’t help but feel just a teensy bit special. Indulge me on this.

Yours truly,

Me

— ✐ᝰ.ᐟ —

Dear Chan,

I hate how you’re so stubborn. I hate how you’re so passionate. I hate how you’re such an amazing dancer. If I didn’t know better, I’d be so goddamn jealous of you.

Well, maybe I already am.

But above all that, I feel so in awe of you.

I hate how amazing you are in everything you do.

I hate how you’re actually inspiring me to be a better person. Little by little.

You’re inspiring me to be more diligent, to work harder, to believe in myself and my artistry way more than I ever thought I could—even through the infinite doubts.

Because that’s what you do to me.

“You can do it!” you said. “I’ll be right in the audience cheering for you, too. Because you’re my number one supporter, I’ll also be your number one supporter.”

I hate how you’re right. Why do you always have to be right?

Yours truly,

Me

— ✐ᝰ.ᐟ —

Dear Chan,

I don’t get it. I really don’t.

I don’t understand why you would do such things to me and for me.

It was such a simple and offhand remark.

“Is that a new necklace?” you asked.

“Nah,” I replied.

“It’s pretty. I don’t usually see you wearing that necklace. Where's the other one? The silver one with the daisy pendants?”

It was only because that one—my favorite one—broke and I didn’t have the time to have it fixed yet. Too busy with org scheds.

And you know what you said?

“Give it to me. I’ll have it fixed.”

What in the actual—

You didn’t have to do it, Chan.

Yet there I was, handing over my most prized possession...to you, my...friend.

You better give it back to me fixed, or else.

Yours truly,

Me

— ✐ᝰ.ᐟ —

Dear Chan,

We’re in the library pretending to study for this godforsaken exam. I’ve practically given up on it.

(lol just kidding I can’t do that)

So we’re on a break. You’re sitting right in front of me, writing something down in your own notebook. Good thing the tables are a bit wide. I really wish that you won’t be able to see your name plastered on top of this page.

I never pegged you for someone who writes. In my head, I will take this as my own influence over you after my constant stories of how journaling and writing is such a simple thing that can heal you so easily and thoroughly.

Maybe my influence, and Seungkwan’s as well. At least he’s a good influence.

It was so funny, even, how you made a huge show of showcasing your little black notebook. When you opened it, I saw that it was already bookmarked at the halfway point.

So you do write. You have been writing.

Stop making my crush on you grow. Stop.

Yours truly,

Me

— ✐ᝰ.ᐟ —

Dear Chan,

You were so drunk last night. I don’t think you’ll remember any of it today.

But I remember everything crystal clear.

You’ve had how many bottles of soju at that point. You slung your arm around me and leaned your head on my shoulder. Never mind how fast my heart was beating at that point. Whether from alcohol, or you know what, I will never know.

You told me, “You’re my best friend. You know that, right?”

Your best friend.

A friend.

A stake to the heart would’ve hurt less, in my opinion.

But then again, better a best friend than nothing at all.

I wish I was as drunk as you were last night. Maybe I could forget that one sentence and just carry on living as if this thing between us is nothing.

As if us holding hands the entire night last night under the guise of you “needing a steady hand to hold so you wouldn't fall because you were drunk as hell” is no indication of any thing.

Whatever this thing is.

Sincerely,

Me

— ✐ᝰ.ᐟ —

Dear Chan,

I promised not to write anymore—believe me I tried. We’re best friends, right?

Best friends meet up for breakfast before going separate ways for the day, right?

Best friends make sure to ask if you’re home at the end of every day, right?

Best friends have random snacks or your go-to pick-me-up drink delivered to you when they know you’re having a terrible day, right?

Best friends do that, right?

Even if they’re both in separate relationships already?

I’m so confused. I shouldn’t be, but I can’t make it make sense.

Maybe it’s just me and these lingering and unresolved feelings. I hate them.

Yours truly,

Me

— ✐ᝰ.ᐟ —

Dear Chan,

Thank you for meeting me as soon as I called. Thank you for holding me as my world fell apart. Thank you for comforting me even as my tears fell. Thank you for being reliable. Thank you for giving me my comfort ice cream. Thank you for helping me through this breakup even though I know you’re on the brink of your own.

Thank you for being a friend—my friend.

Thank you for always catching me whenever I fall.

Yours truly,

Me

— ✐ᝰ.ᐟ —

Dear Chan,

I’m sorry about the breakup…or am I?

I’m not too sad about it, I’m sorry. I always knew they were a bit off for you. But I hope I’ve been the right kind of friend that you need right now.

Or however you need me. I'll be here for you, the same way you were for me. You know that right?

I know you held back a few tears when we were at the cafe earlier. You loved them, for sure. I know how far you go for love—that's how true your love is.

But you should've seen the look in your eyes. It tells me you’re not too too sad about it either.

Or maybe it’s just me.

Yeah, definitely just me.

Maybe it was more of me wanting to see the spark in your eyes again after you kept denying that it had been gone for so long.

Yours truly,

Me

— ✐ᝰ.ᐟ —

Dear Chan,

You should've seen your face earlier. It was so…

With all of your hip-hop and R&B playlists, I never pegged you to be one to appreciate any of the oldies.

“This is my favorite Beatles song,” I said.

You immediately stopped scrolling the phone hidden behind the book reading the book in your hand to listen to “Here, There, and Everywhere” playing from the cafe's tinny speakers, straining to make it out above the chatter of the establishment.

You said you'll pull up the lyrics to read, and as you did, the smile on your face grew ever so slowly with every word that your eyes traveled to. You started to slightly bob your head to the beat while mouthing some of the lyrics as the song continued on.

Okay, fine, I was watching you. You didn't notice anyway.

“It’s a great song,” you said. You looked up with this sense of meaning in your eyes. I feel like mine had a look of question marks in them.

Your fingers danced on your phone. I’m sure you added it to one of your playlists. Well, I hope.

Yours truly,

Me

— ✐ᝰ.ᐟ —

Dear Chan,

This is the last letter I’ll write. I promise.

It’s graduation tomorrow. If you give me nothing and nothing happens within the next month of tomorrow, I will stop this nonsense and maybe try to finally get over these feelings I seem to have for you.

Whatever it is.

I just…don’t think I can bring myself to do it first.

Yours truly,

Me

— ✐ᝰ.ᐟ —

Dear Chan,

This is so random but you just suddenly crossed my mind. And I remembered this notebook full of so-called "unsent letters to you."

I wonder how you are and if you're doing okay. I don't know why we grew apart after graduation. I just...I don't know. I can't even think about it without my head aching.

It does kind of feel like there's a hollow void in the shape of you somewhere in my body, particularly somewhere around my chest area.

(nope, I won't say it)

I hope you're doing alright.

Yours truly,

Me

— ✐ᝰ.ᐟ —

Dear Chan,

I can’t believe you came. It's been five years since we saw each other, three since we last spoke, yet you came—the person I least expected to see in the wake.

I never thought there'd be another letter but how could I not write anything?

I didn’t realize how painful and heavy it was to lose my grandfather until you hugged me. You were the first one to see my tears. You were the only one brave enough to hold my broken pieces without caring if you'd get cut by my sharp edges.

How you were able to do it even after all these years will forever be a mystery to me.

Thank you for catching me before I further shattered myself.

Yours truly,

Me

— ✐ᝰ.ᐟ —

Dear Chan,

I’m still reeling from recent events.

It was so nice to see you again last night, though. Thanks for dragging me out of my apartment. It’s been so long since we went out like that, just for some frozen yogurt, which naturally turned into a few drinks because after all, it’s still the two of us together.

But good lord help me, I’m still in a daze. How can I be normal when I just dropped the biggest truth bomb of my life thus far?

I told you, “Maybe I’ve always wondered what it would be like if we ever tried before.”

But you know what you said? You know what you frickin’ said?

“I wish you told me earlier. Why didn’t you?”

Well, why didn’t you??????

I swear I could’ve combusted on the spot if I could. I swear I just said that so I could finally let go of this weight from my chest.

But you know what you did?

You walked me home. You made sure I was safe.

And then you visited this morning with coffee and breakfast to nurse the drinks from last night.

You’re just outside my room right now, sitting on my small couch, playing Beatles songs from the speakers. You’re waiting for me to finish whatever I’m doing here because you’re taking me out to see this movie I told you I wanted to watch. Why?

“We have to make up for lost time,” you said.

Chan, what are you doing? Just tell me so I know what I should do.

What do I do with you now?

Yours truly,

Me

— ✐ᝰ.ᐟ —

Happy Chan Day!

I hate you.

I wish you told me about your party earlier! I mean, even hours earlier, not like an hour or two right before.

Okay, I know it’s a spontaneous birthday party and all—I GET IT. But please tell your friends to at least invite your other friends beforehand? So we can also prep stuff for you, okay? I moved around so many schedules for this—for your party. How could I not?

So I hope you’ll forgive me for not preparing your gift yet. I was planning to get it in the coming days when my sched was relatively freer. Still, I’m really, truly sorry for not getting you a gift. I know you like getting gifts because you like giving them as well.

You know, it’s your birthday, yet you were the one who said something that was almost like a gift to me.

You said, “Don’t bother with the gift. As long as you’re here with me, I don’t really need anything else.”

Chan, I still hate you. I think.

Yours truly,

Me

— ✐ᝰ.ᐟ —

Dear Chan,

I’ve come to the harrowing realization that I’m in love with you.

No scratch that. I love you. Throughout all these years, I’ve always loved you.

How’s that for a hit-me-with-a-firetruck realization?

Yours truly (I wish),

Me

— ✐ᝰ.ᐟ —

Dear Chan,

Do not laugh at me. Do not be condescending. Do not dismiss me—your best friend. Do not leave me hanging. Just…do not.

When I show you this, just don’t.

Just read it.

Yours truly,

Me

— ✐ᝰ.ᐟ —

Hey, you.

If only you knew how many pages I’ve written about you. Glad to know I’m not the only one doing so.

It started on that day we were in the library. I’d already written about so many things, but that was the first time I ever wrote about you. I’ve never stopped writing since.

And even in pages full of you writing about me, I still write about you.

You’ve always been here, there, and everywhere to me.

Yours, truly and only yours,

Chan

✎﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

NOW PLAYING: seventeen's playlist - song # 2

“To lead a better life / I need my love to be here // … // Will be there and everywhere / Here, there and everywhere”

[edensrose]

˚₊‧꒰ა Eden's Dream Journal ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

. ۫ᯓᡣ𐭩 Sweetheart FM has a returning guest today . . . are you there mr gojo .ᐣ

˖ ꯴ ⌇ “ yeah hi what do you mean i got stabbed in my wife's dream .ᐣ.ᐣ.ᐣ ”

today's feature ᝰ.ᐟ✧ eden dreams of a mysterious historical au & lives out her greek tragedy with prince.ᐟsatoru

note ᝰ.ᐟ✧ entry 01, pls note that i dream in extreme detail also i dream a lot about characters, this is how i get fic ideas

the first parts of the dream were a bit hazy, but i was sat by a stream and drinking, frazzled and in an honestly gorgeous dress, looking like the pretty pink princess that i am. it was nighttime

arms wrap around me and i am a bit more frightened and startled than usual it seems .ᐣ i get hushed and cradled by the sweetest satoru AHHHH

he's also in relatively fine clothing. not sure what era we're in but we were both in noble clothes. he looked so yummy

we cuddled up by the stream, it's insinuated that we ran away. satoru joked that 'the prince would have his head', however satoru himself seemed like a prince. turns out the fucker who he's talking about is my betrothed? who is a horrible man I was arranged to marry ( damn ok?? )

he had a really pretty sword ( im a sword nerd ) that was kinda sentient. it responded to his whistles and hums

he tells me he's gonna go start the fire and kisses me like siiiirr come back noooo .ᐟ but alas he then gets up

a minute later i feel arms around me again and im all giggly and shit like toruuu I thought you were making the fire .ᐣ

IT WAS NOT TORU .ᐟ

suddenly i'm grabbed. i screamed bc who TF and suddenly we're surrounded. the rest was a blur but im assuming we got our asses kicked and suddenly we're dragged back to the palace

dream blurred a lil more, im on the steps of the palace being held by guards while satoru is detained and pushed around I was NOT having it and started making demands but my guards aren't .ᐣ listening to me .ᐣ.ᐣ

OUT WALKS MY FUCKASS FIANCE urgh he look slimy but like he kinda fine BUT HE SLIMY and he does the whole chin grab and im like sir leave me the fuck ALONE

spit in his eye

anw so homeboy goes on a wholev villain monologue about how he can't believe his wife to be is unfaithful to the enemy prince and I'm — ( ENEMY PRINCE SATORU??? FANNING )

satoru being the shit he is mocks him a bit to help get the bitch away from me and it works. satoru gets bitch slapped and I'm like HOE.ᐟ leave my man alone .ᐟ

okay in all seriousness this scene was really thematic, two lovers being held away, bastard making threats and talking about satoru's execution to get to me

i start begging him to leave toru alone and punish me instead bc im his betrothed and this bastard reaches out and cups my face and im like. . . ew

tears in my eyes, bout to sob my heart out, but then I see satoru from over his shoulder. he's readying the sword with a throat clear

bastard goes, “i'm so sorry, my dearest, but i must break a vow” NO.ᐣ

the sword flies out ready to stab but the bastard spins, grabs the sword and lunges it INTO SATORU

THE FUCKER TWISTS THE BLADE AND STABS HIM AGAIN .ᐣ.ᐣ ASKS HIM IF IT WAS WORTH IT .ᐣ

“a hundred times over and a thousand deaths yes it was.” ← satoru. i was crying my eyes out

satoru mouths an apology to me over the bastard's shoulder.

anw im distraught, the guards let me go and i rush over

bastard lets me hold satoru and try ( fail ) to stop the bleeding

we get to tell each other i love you as im holding his bloodied hands and the dream fades out while satoru smiles up at me. . . . ( i jolted awake ig i just couldn't accept that )

did i juliet y'all? we'll never know but what fucking dream

[mourninglust]

17 · she/her 𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧 journal entries & coffee stains ᝰ.ᐟ ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 romanticizing my mess

i read too much, love too hard, and never text back. i sing like a feeling, write like it's bleeding.

⋆✴︎˚｡⋆ obsessed with black & white ▶︎ •၊၊||၊|။||||။‌‌‌‌‌၊|• 0:26

[ljubimaya]

Do you ever think about dad Hanma? The way he would switch so fast from silly to stern? Like one moment, he is teasing and playing around with your five year old, laughing at their little fit they throw because he doesn't allow them to watch their tablet while at the dinner table. The teasing grin quickly morphs into a thin line when his kid calls him an asshole. "I don't allow this language under my roof." Hanma grabs his kid's tablet. "No more cartoons until you learn how to talk to your parents"

[ljubimaya]

Black + blonde hair is so iconic. Look at these divas

[ljubimaya]

I can totally see Baji as Mediterranean, btw. Like Spanish, Italian, or Balkan Baji? Very valid, very accurate. Moroccan? I can see that. Turkish? Almost too dangerous for my heart, sign me up. French? No way in hell

[ljubimaya]

Imagine you're investigating Bonten alongside Hanma. He's been caught by the Tokyo police after having evaded the law successfully for years, but ends up striking a deal with the police: he would help you, a an undercover cop/investigator, find intel on bonten to end their terror reign

[ljubimaya]

anyway, interact if you would like me to send you selfship asks in the following days <3

[ljubimaya]

Also before I go to bed: I saw a couple if past moots deactivate and make new blogs, and honestly, idk if I shoukd reach out to them :,)

[ljubimaya]

I don't wanna be controversial, but bully baji never made sense to me :') I don't think he'd go out of his way to bully anyone without a good reason, especially if you're a woman or feminine presenting. His mom did not raise him to be like that

[ljubimaya]

You guys I can't wait to go back home and finish the first season of the apothecary diaries

[ljubimaya]

I've said this once and I'll say it again: Shinichiro and Kazutora have the same energy. They will always have the same vibes (= pathetic loser bf) and no one can change my mind

[ljubimaya]

Can't decide if he's ugly or handsome here

[ljubimaya]

My rice purity score is 87. Let me go and estame Baji's rice purity score now >:)

[ljubimaya]

Good morning :>