#life and that technique has never worked for me. sometimes more questions make pepole panic harder. buck coaching eddie through getting

[haydenthewitch]

Buck is the one who finds him- of course. They are staying in the same home, after all. It's not like eddie could afford an airbnb, or anything.

Eddie didn't know exactly what happened, honestly. One second he was texting chris, about everything and nothing at the same time. The conversation started the same way all of the conversations had started since eddie left chris in texas to come home for Bobby's feuneral. Chris was checking in on him. god, that kid had so much empathy in his body, and eddie is half convinved that he enherted all of the care in his heart from his mother.

Anyways, he was texting chris as he was packing up some things from his grandparents home, (they argreed that home was in LA, and although it was too short notice for him to come home before the fenural, he was activly packing and planning on coming home.) when eddie just felt this pit in his stomach. he was going to have to leave LA again, and go back to his parent's house again, and he just felt weak and dizzy at the thought. and then he felt an awfuk sense of dread and guilt, knowing that chris was being brave and dealing with it everyday on his own. It felt like he was leaving pepole on both sides, and maybe if he had been in that stupid fucking lab, everything would be diffrent-

He rembers feeling dizzy, lightheaded, and having intesnse heart palptations. he rembers colapsing onto the kitchen floor, curling up into a little ball, and feeling the tips of his fingers go numb. This is it, he thinks. I'm dying. I'm going to die. He rembers thinking that it wasn't fair to Buck. He was already having such a hard time losing their captain, his father, and now he was going to find eddie? on the kitchen floor of their house, dead? from a heart attack? eddie imagines buck, dressed in mourning blacks that have seen too much use, chris at his side, looking down at his grave, and a desprate sob escapes out of him. despite the release of air, he can't seem to get any back in, panic rising in his chest.

The front door opens. "Eddie?" Buck calls out. Eddie sobs, a desprate thought of no, he shouldn't have to see me like this, before buck is rounding the corner into the kitchen, and dropping down to the kitchen floor to reach him. "Eddie!? Whats wrong??"

"I think... I'm dying," eddie sobs out. "I can't fucking b-breathe." his phone dings, surley a text from chris, and another painful sob rings out, about how fucking unfair it all is. a flash in his imagination of chris finding out about eddie over the phone, just like eddie found out about bobby.

Buck gets closer, grabing his wrist tightly and looking into both of his eyes. eddie relizes that he's assessing eddie, like a paient. Eddie just tries to hold still, letting buck check him out. "You aren't dying, eds." Buck says in a realy soft voice. Eddie sobs again, unable to comprehend that. He feels so awful, like he genuinly can't imagine how it's possible that he's not dying.

"Can you take a deep breath for me?" Buck asks, still in that too-calm, too-gentile voice. Eddie tries, he genuinly tries, but about halfway through taking a big gulping breath, he coughs and it feels like all the air in his lungs evades him.

"I c-can't." Eddie sobs, trying to get another big gulp of air in before sobbing it all out.

"It's okay, it's okay," Buck tries to reassure him. He shifts how he's sitting, so that buck is basicaly layong all of his weight on eddie, both of them sitting on the tiled floor. "Eddie, your having a panic attack." Eddie sucks a big breath in, before blowing it all out again, too quickly, and almost painfuly.

"Buck, i don't know what to do." He cries, and he can actualy see buck get emotional. "Everything hurts and i'm scared."

Buck grabs eddie's hand, pulling it in to his own. "Just focas on me okay?" Buck says. He squeezes eddie's hand, too tight, almost painful. "Can you hear my voice?" Eddie nods. "Okay, discribe it."

Eddie shakes his head, thinks about it, before he just says, "Sounds deep, and calm." Another sob, one that makes his chest ache, and buck squeezed his hand again.

"Can you feel my body pressed up against yours?" Buck asks. eddie nods. "What does that feel like?"

"warm, and heavy." Eddie doesn't relize it right away, but right about now is when the tears break, the worst of it over.

"And my hand?" Buck asks.

"Slick with sweat?" Eddie says, and buck breaks his calm demenor, a small suprised laugh coming up out of him. Eddie also feels himself laugh, a little, but he feels so tired it feels bone deep. he brings his sleeve up to wipe away some of the snot and tears on his face, and buck wordlessly helps him. Eddie breathes out again, and it kind of sounds like another laugh, but its realy an emotion closer to relief.

Eddie takes stock of his body. His chest hurts a little, but it's from the voilent sobbing, and not becuse his heart or lungs are giving out, like he thought. his vocal cords hurt from screaming and sobbing, but other than that he just feels normal. He does howeved, feel extremely exasted. The feeling is more closely tied to fatige, (like working a 24 and then driving home for an hour due to rush-hour traffic in LA) that it is to the word tired.

So, He wasn't dying. Relief flooded him.

"I'm sorry," He rasps out. "I don't-"

Buck cradles eddie's face in his hands. "It's okay." Eddie leans into his hands, feeling too tired to worry about whats 'normal' to do with his best frenid. He feels like his energy has been leached, and he can't help but lean on buck- emotionaly and physicaly. one of eddie's hands reach buck's neck, pulling him phiscaly foward untill their forheads were touching. "I'm here." Buck rasps out, and that makes eddie almost tear up again. Buck was hear for him, always.

"I need a nap," Eddie tells him. "That took it out of me."

"Panic attacks can be realy exasting," Buck says.

"I genuinly thought i was dying," Eddie tells him in disbelief. "I thought i was going to die."

"A lot of pepole feel that way when they have an attack like that." Buck says again.

"Did you use to get them, or something?" Eddie asks, pulling back slightly, so he could look Buck in the face. Buck shakes his head, then screws up his face, before nodding.

"I mean, yes, but not as extreme as yours." He explains. "I don't know all of this from experince, and that's probably what you were asking. No, I read a lot about it after the blackout, when uh... When you had that panic attack and you went to the cardiolgist." Buck screws up his face. "And you didn't tell me untill i pushed."

Eddie laughs a little. "Are you still salty about that?"

Buck cracks a smile. "A little, Yeah."

"...so that's how you knew how to help?" Eddie asks, but he already knew the anwser.

"Yep." Buck blows out a breath. "They're tecnicaly called grounding techniques, but it doesn't realy matter." Buck pauses, breaking the eye contact and looking down, like he's about to say something he doesn't want to see edddie's reaction to. "I wanted to know how to help in case you ever had one again. I know you can take care of yourself, of course.... i just needed to make sure, i guess?"

I love you, eddie thinks. I'm in love with you.

He's too tired to tell buck, but he's too tired to freak out, too. Maybe most of his filters are gone, maybe he's always felt this way. He'll figure it out in the morning. All he knows is those thoughts sink heavy like stones in a lake, and root themselfs into the very nature of his being: Eddie diaz, In love with Evan Buckley.