#like a weird in-between euphoria and utter despair

[forsaken--stuff]

Academia, the fragile balance between the literary bliss of watching a text unravel in your essay and the urge to bang your head against the keyboard because it won’t unravel anymore

Academia, between the pride of staring at one finished page explaining the intricacies of symbolism in your favourite piece of literature and the exhaustion of spending two pages explaining that what you are about to say is pure speculation

Academia, finally finding your niche, knowing you have things to say but not knowing if you’ll ever get the funding to actually research it

[itonlyhappenstome]

Coronavirus Lockdown UK homeschooling Day 5

So here we are, Homeschooling day 5, the end of the first week, the strangest week ever, swung from euphoria to despair and back again with every emotion in between. Sometimes freaking out, sometimes feeling like it is that lovely week between Christmas and new year with nothing to do, nowhere to go, no reason to get dressed, drinking and eating whatever you want whenever you want — anything goes!

It is all feeling rather Groundhog day every morning, that is because I guess I do not know how long it will go on for, even a holiday in heaven without an end date would be purgatory in the end. I think this is a situation that can only be some days reflected on positively in retrospect.

Was feeling really lack lustre this morning, as were the children, and it showed as they really REALLY could not be arsed to do anything, and I really REALLY could not be arsed to make them. I tried to get Seb to read with the bribe of something nice, but even that was not enough and he had an air of “stick your treat, you have nothing I want!” So we gave up and just let it be for the day.

It is really true that you see the issues the teacher has and speaks of… OMG how do they do it with more than 1 child?!? I have wondered whether the virus was actually created by a think tank of Chemistry teachers, to get some respite, sit at home and watch “Bargain hunters” and to also show parents that their children can be complete and utter unreasonable arseholes, and the teachers are not the issue, its the kids! I am feeling after week 1 that I could not find it in my heart to blame them if they did….

I even tried to enthuse myself by convincing myself that the half a banana drawing on the pictogram chart looks like the end of a willy — but it was half hearted and a tedious attempt.

Something else I am learning about, is my partner… He is being lovely and helpful, and stepping up and doing things (actually as I write this he has bought me Gin!). But is anyone else finding that you just do stuff and just do it without comment, but if your partner does it then it has to be pointed out, appreciated, praised. But if you get shitty about having to stop the world to give a round of applause, or causally mention thats great they tidied the kitchen but would it take that much more effort to actually take the food out of the sink….they are all huffy “fine I won’t bother helping again” But ITS SHARED MESS/CHILDREN!

And time management….. every. single. night. At dinner time… “Darling dinners ready!” (and this is no shock or surprise as I have been making it for the last fucking hour…) and he replies — “Oh is it? Hang on, I just need to go and check the Christmas tree lights/tidy the car boot out/repaint the house name on the dustbin/ sort through my ski clothes/file the last 2 years bank statements”….Or something similarly that really does not need to be done right at that moment…And we are not talking a meal that stays hot for hours like a carrot filled casserole, or a home made pizza that removes the roof of your mouth — we are talking about stir fry that is cold before you have put the first forkful in your mouth and cannot be microwaved. And he cannot understand why I get shirty and point out his time management skills in the household maybe need to be addressed. I apparently am “naggy”. (in my head “Oh just fuck the fuck off”)

Not sure why these issues are now magnified during lockdown…! To be fair, he is doing nothing wrong, everything is mostly winding me up as the walls close in on me — and probably being a bit hungover (daily)doesn’t help, but it really does feel like Christmas week!! The kids are also annoying me, the news, whats app, speaking, not speaking, inanimate objects, the guinea pigs, the milk cartons, people being perky, people being dickheads— I have never said “oh just fuck the fuck off” SO many times in my own head whilst smiling — well not since living in Bremen anyway!

He did take the Children out for some exercise today so I could have my daily panic attack in peace, which was nice.

And on one of the multiple whats app groups there was the idea to have the children write inspirational chalk quotes on the drive outside your house for people walking by on lockdown exercise. What a great idea! So I took the time to do the same for anyone thinking of knocking on our door during this lockdown time to reflect my cheerful mood!

As we decided to call a teacher training day today and the children were running feral and engrossed in a virtual minecraft reality world for the 8th consecutive hour… I went out! Yes OUT! Not OUT OUT, just to the Pharmacy and Supermarket, but it was a good excuse and reason to have a shower and change my clothes. And you know its well needed when after the shower your husband says “Wow, look at you! What happened to the smelly troglodyte who has been living here the last 4 days?!?”

Sods law the first time I wash my hair since day 1 and it rewards me with a bad hair day — so I go out looking like a weird praying mantis, convinced I am going to freakishly bump into every single ex boyfriend and childhood nemesis.

Emily spent the day practising her make up for when the lockdown is finished so she can look pretty. Which is ironic really as last night she said to me “Mum, when lockdown is over can I please take you clothes shopping as you are a bit out dated, and embarrassing, and old fashioned” And I of course replied smiling “Yes of course darling that would be great!” And in my head I was saying “Oh just fuck the fuck off”!!

Happy weekend everyone, have fun whatever you are doing. Is this what being retired or in a care home is like? The week days and weekends mean the same thing, you lose all track of the date/day and you cannot go out or have no energy to go out? Unless you are one of the retired people who likes Garden Centres to go to the cafe and eat a cream cake and sandwich with a knife and fork.

Stay Safe!!