#like its so bizarre and weird and hilarious

[candle-scm]

my takeaway from natla is that og atla zuko is hot topic flavored gay and natla zuko is barbie flavored gay

[nedsseveredhead]

I love you performance art

[lunarriviera]

everyone's straight bestie tao ran

i know i yell a lot about the mains in jitd, for obvious reasons, but i feel i must take a moment to praise the work of 刘一宏 liu yihong, playing tao ze. i've never seen him in a single other thing but HE IS A PERFECT TAO RAN and has 100% become him, now, in my brain.

(why is he going through it here? not telling, you'll have to watch.)

an actor has to be a lot of contradictory things, to be tao ran, but mostly he has to be the literal straight man to his friends' weird banana men: serious, cheerful, calm, sane. liu yihong has figured out how to balance all this. he's openly affectionate to fei du yet keeps him at the appropriate distance; he and lwz work so well together and so visibly, obviously trained under the same shifu that it's a little uncanny; and he's also very good at depicting tao ran as completely bewildered by his two friends, who have always been at each other's throats and are now, suddenly, bizarrely, flirting. is the world ending? is he imagining things? does luo wenzhou have a concussion? he doesn't have too much time to think about it, though, bc crime.

(since when are these bickering mortal enemies making slutty EYES at each other?!? why does lwz keep SMILING LIKE THAT????)

i really hope liu yihong gets better work after this, bc he truly brought his A-game to a role someone else might have found pro forma, even boring, and just phoned it in. it's one of those parts that seems basic yet is genuinely challenging—tao ran has to run the gamut from "babbling incoherently when he talks to girls" to "staunchly devoted to his hotheaded gay best friend who's also his boss now" and, maybe the hardest of these, "fiercely competent cop," which means a metric FUCK TON of police dialogue (nearly as bad as scifi gabble, for most actors), but he makes it all look natural and easy.

also he's a good scene partner; he works so well with both mains, it's seamless. plus he gives one hell of a reaction shot—look at him here, realizing things! figuring shit out, in real time, with a camera looming approximately 18" from his face! that is NOT easy to do; good job, sir.

some of the most difficult, challenging material still lies ahead, obviously, but i'm completely confident he's got this. he clearly read the novel, like the others, bc he's sensitive to where its emotional beats should fall (and so is the director, but more on him later). so thank you, liu yihong, whose name i just learned today. things are about to be very-not-great in the world of tao ze, but fuck it you ball.

PS both @bladedweaponsandswishycoats and i were super sad he didn't get one of his most hilarious lines from the novel, the deadpan "by process of elimination, the mole can only be me." maybe he'll say it later? he also didn't get to nearly bite his tongue off when lwz blurts out, "he's my lover," and he would have done so well with that—

[weirdmarioenemies]

Name: Hippo

Debut: Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins

It sure has been a while since we've talked about this game, huh? So much so that you've think the game has been milked dry! But don't worry! This game is still in its prime, just dripping, no, BURSTING with Weird milk that's waiting to be drank! Won't you sip?

In a game full of weird and bizarre entities, Hippo's existence is perhaps the weirdest of all. If not, it's at least Up There. Its existence almost feels like a non-sequitur, more than anything.

Hippos are the center focus of a level, lovingly called...uh, Hippo, where they can be found sitting in place and blowing bubbles from their noses. Mario, ever the bright child, can enter the snot bubbles and ride them up into the sky! Uncharacteristically for bubbles, they're hardly as fragile, only breaking if you get hit by an enemy. That's some tough mucus!

And where do these bubbles take you? Why, to space, of course! Riding them is the only way to get into the interstellar Space Zone which is mandatory for beating the game, so Mario has to ride these snot bubbles. Have fun!

Er...I jest, but I don't actually know if it's even snot at all! I always thought of the Hippos as statues, which would make them more evocative of snot bubbles than anything (unless Mario's a freak and has these things pumped to a stream of mucus.) But! The artwork seems to present Hippos as being alive, and even the Mario Wiki calls Hippos both statues and statue-like animals within the first two paragraphs on its own page.

I think I prefer the thought of them being statues, but I must admit, Mario having a garden full of Inexplicable Hippo Statues That Blow Bubbles or one full of Actual Hippos That Do Absolutely Nothing But Blow Snot Bubbles both seem equally hilarious to me, so I'm open to both interpretations! Which side are you on? Make your voice heard in the next Splatfest!

In celebration of Super Mario Land 2, they finally added hippos to Real Life, and they can even blow snot bubbles! Fanservice can be a wonderful thing sometimes.

[kremlin]

after many years my old company has finally allowed people back into the office, haha, not to go to work, no no, solely to collect their belongings from their desks. i picked up my stuff and remembered what a psycho i was about my office back then, let me show you..

i set up an old VT-420 on a side of my desk to read my email on (to flex my computer dick) which is unfortunately a bit too yellowed now for me to post exposed but hilariously enough i did take the chance to fix the faulty RS-232 chip in it and i no longer get a bunch of keystrokes interpreted as ŸŸŸŸs randomly. the fix was great too, instead of having to throw the whole thing out like you'd need to today, i literally just had to pull the PTH chip out of its socket, didn't even need to desolder. nor throw the old one out. i blasted it with a blowtorch for about half a second and it's fine now.

(it is amber by the way, which is the best color)

the keyboard is another story, i think a lot of like, entry-level vintage computing people get this concept that every old keyboard is some treasure, and boy let me tell you, some of them make you want throw up, like the vt420's:

you'll have to take my word that the typing experience is pure ass, but if you look at this fucker for more than two seconds your blood pressure will start to raise. and i'm not just talking about the euro return key. where is the super key? and what is going on left of 'a'? did they decide to solve the age-old "caps lock vs ctrl" debate by putting both of them there (??) what the fuck is going on north of the arrow keys?!?! and even further north, 'help' is funny enough on its own, the fact its next to DO, a truly existentially puzzling key, makes it that much better. why is DO so wide?? why are there so many F keys? and apparantly 20 F keys wasn't enough, they had to go on and invent "PF" keys above the numpad. and it doesn't stop there..

the pre-USB world was pretty nuts, but most keyboards still had sane connectors like DE-9's, PS/2, DINs, etc, but not this one

it uses, a, uh, looks like an ethernet cable. weird. but look closer. six pins. AND, big honking square to key it specifically and make it incompatible with the very-similar already-existing 6P6C specification (why?) anyways, that's enough of this crap, moving on

this is the keyboard for my lisp machine, the famous "space cadet keyboard", i get so many fucking emails about this keyboard, christ almighty. people trying to buy it from me, it's a shame, the machines don't boot without them so seperating them to satisfy reddit guy wish fulfillment breaks my heart. it's a lot better. it's from an era where a good computer would set you back half a million and the hardware reflects it. honeywell made it, it's "solid state" insofar as that makes sense for a keyboard, uses the hall effect. there weren't any rats at my office but just in case i seem to have taped something to the underside:

lol. now for accouterments to cover those hideous eggshell white walls:

in order, openbsd, you know it baby, middle is a weird polish promo for the holy mountain, the last thing was a joke whose meaning has been lost to time. chicken and turkey!

i seemed to have been working on some very bizarre electronics projects, personal, during my workday:

god, what the fuck was this?

oh, duh, it's bort's hat. (??)

some reading materials. K&R C is a first edition, somewhat rare. the 9front manuals:

classic, natch. and a huge gear that's clapped

that's it. that's my office apparently.

[haptronym]

Hap's Adventures in Dadmight

aka “this experience was really strange so I’m going to write 6,000 words about it”.

Fandoms are bizarre. I know this, but I still keep doing the shocked Pikachu face whenever I join a new one. 

This time around, I really thought there would be no surprises. And yet, the fandom ended up having a really weird, really uncomfortable dynamic that confused the hell out of me for a long time. I met several others who said “Yeah, it freaks me out too,” but they couldn’t explain exactly why, and nobody really wanted to talk about it. So now that I’m mostly done with the My Hero Academia fandom, I’ll just go ahead and vaporize my bridges with a whole-ass case study about what on earth seemed to be going on here.

Warning: very long, very self-absorbed, as usual. Contains discussions of relationships, underage shippers, and how to influence whether something “feels” platonic vs. not.

Disclaimer 1: This doesn't apply to everything tagged "Dadmight." Just a select subset. But this subset appeared pretty consistently.

Disclaimer 2: I'm posting brief, fair-use-commentary examples of the content that made me question my sanity because it has to be seen to be believed, but I'm not including names or links because I don’t want to easily funnel negativity to them. If an author really wants me to, I’m happy to link directly to their story.

Disclaimer 3: I’m not trying to “spread awareness” or do a callout. I just like to write for fun and this time the fun was puzzling out why I, personally, had the experience I did. Many people feel differently and that's great. If all fluff has always felt 100% wonderful and charming to you, then this post isn't relevant to you. But if a supposedly "cute" story has ever made you squirm with discomfort, this might help explain why.

-

A few years ago, I took a terribly wrong turn in life and ended up in the My Hero Academia fandom. My kidnappers were these two:

In short: the little kid on the left, Izuku Midoriya, is exactly as dorky as he looks. He was born powerless in a world of comic-book superheroes and has a tendency to burst into tears under any possible circumstance. The series kicks off when the guy on the right, #1 hero and national celebrity All Might, sees potential in him despite all this. In a fit of inspiration, All Might decides to give Izuku the same chance he was given as a young boy. Despite being a notorious lone wolf, he (secretly) names Izuku as his successor and takes it upon himself to covertly train this weepy, noodle-limbed wimp into a hero, the hero, the next Symbol of Peace who will wield the world’s strongest superpower and safeguard the future of society. Surely they’ll pull it off just fine, right?

(Don’t ask how All Might switches from a bodybuilder to the skeleton pictured  above. The show doesn’t know either.)

I loved these two. I wanted eight seasons of beach training montage. The mentor/student shenanigans were hilarious and the found family potential was off the charts. They’re two awkward bumbling fools with several truckfuls of emotional baggage, brought together by purehearted heroic zeal. Wonderful.

However, I quickly discovered that the show shoveled approximately ten thousand new characters into every new episode and definitely wasn't going to slow down long enough to give me the All Might & Izuku content I craved. So I wandered off to see what kind of fanfiction was on tap.

...I wandered off, while bracing myself. I’ve been a weeb long enough to know that any characters who pass on power through “DNA” are never going to escape a fandom unscathed, regardless of pesky things like “Age Of Consent” and “Have You Watched A Single Minute Of This Show, He Would Never Fucking Do That”.

Their canon relationship is impressively alarming all on its own:

Izuku is 14-15. Underage character? Check. 

All Might is 55+. Enormous age gap? Check.

All Might is both Izuku’s secret mentor and his high school teacher. Teacher-student dynamics? Check.

Izuku is a nobody. All Might is a global celebrity. Staggering power imbalance? Check. 

Izuku’s superpower, which lets him go to the school of his dreams, accomplish his lifelong goals, and be the protagonist of this show, was given to him by All Might at great personal cost. Enormous sense of debt and obligation because of a huge sacrifice? Check.

Izuku is an outright fanboy. His room is full of posters and figurines of All Might in spandex. Other characters frequently comment on how obsessed he is. There is a whole plotline about him being so starstruck by All Might that he can’t think for himself. Literal hero worship? Check.

As the cherry on top, they spend most of the story pretending they don’t know each other and sneak around under the noses of every other character, including Izuku's mother. Secret hidden relationship with a minor that no other adult can learn the true extent of? Check. 

What a pair. Japanese fandom constantly cracks jokes about how Izuku is probably that kind of fanboy. Even official media is well aware of how sketchy it all looks:

With all this in play, I was pleasantly surprised to find that the stuff in their platonic-relationship fanfiction tag vastly outnumbered the stuff in their shipping one. Phew. Finally, a pair of characters who got something besides endless gross hornyposting. 

As I browsed, I kept seeing a certain tag: "Dadmight." This, unsurprisingly, was used by stories that decided to make All Might into Izuku’s biological father. But it was also used by... pretty much all non-shipping media that focused on their relationship. How interesting! I was used to ship pairings having nicknames, but not platonic ones. 

I could imagine why the name caught on. All Might was practically the definition of "goofy wholesome dad energy,” and his mentor/student relationship with Izuku was easy to see in a parental light. Plus, Izuku’s actual dad is never to be seen during the story. Clearly he deserves a replacement.

So I delved in. Man, this was going to be great! A huge amount of good clean platonic content, with an easy-to-find tag too. Reading about cute dadly shenanigans was going to be such a fun-

How he would love to fall asleep to the sound of his soft voice and the touch of his rough hands, telling him he was proud of him, caressing his hair. He was so mortified over having this need, for all kinds of reasons, but it became clear a long time ago that fighting it wouldn’t work, so he let himself dream.

Uh... well... Izuku didn’t grow up with a dad, so... maybe he needed a father figure... to... caress his hair with his rough hands...

More hums of contentment make their way from him, his body swaying with every push and pull from Toshinori’s long fingers. He uses them to massage Midoriya’s head, taking every moment to not just clean his hair, but to make him feel good; Toshinori can’t bear for this to be purely utilitarian.

Uhhh... okay... All Might was a rather isolated guy. I bet he appreciated being able to share time with his student... bathing time...

What if the boy would rather this stay simply as it has been, professional as mentor and mentee? What if Toshinori has read all of this wrong and the boy has no feelings above Toshinori being his teacher, and all Toshinori has done is fall harder and harder for him every day?

What was this? What exactly did people think kids got up to with their dads!?

Well, maybe I just found a few of the strange ones, I told myself. Fanfiction always has its odd outliers. But after more searching, I realized: no. There was wildly uncomfortable stuff all over. It wasn’t all Dadmight stories. But it was a lot. The most popular authors of the “Dadmight” tag wrote it and the rest of the Dadmight authors gave them big thumbs-ups. It was at least as popular as the “All Might is Izuku’s real dad” stuff and sat at the top of the kudos and comments sorting.

Were people just being polite? Or was I overreacting? I know how annoying it is when people deliberately take things in bad faith and demonize perfectly innocent human affectio—

He kept the contact to a minimum, not wanting to take advantage, not wanting to cross a single, unspoken boundary… but how could he possibly completely refrain, with both how proud and how worried Izuku made him?

There was a voice, in the back of his head, that didn’t agree. That voice – either logic or wishful thinking – told him that while Izuku didn’t initiate physical affection, he surely did lean into it, and seemed to crave receiving it as much as Toshinori craved giving it.

Oh god oh god oh god what is happening STOP—

This was horrible. I just wanted to enjoy cute fluff. I’d never had this reaction to platonic fanfic before. I’m a big found family fan and my worst issue with fluff is usually just that it tends to be kind of samey. I normally love reading about chaste affection and closeness between characters who care about each other. So why did these stories read like Lolita AUs to me? Did shippers in this fandom like to hide their softcore stuff in the platonic tags?

I was soon able to find out. I had been writing my own All Might & Izuku story, and got invited to a “Dadmight-centric” Discord server. Almost all the popular Dadmight authors were there, including the ones who wrote the particular stories that made my skin crawl. There were several channels where people brainstormed, critiqued, and discussed the motivations behind their writing. 

Cool! I’d be able to meet new people, make some friends, and get a better understanding of what the Dadmight dynamic really was. So I introduced myself, I chatted, I lurked. Everyone was really nice.

I found zero cheeky shippers. The writers claimed to be horrified by the idea of shipping the two of them. They would never disrespect the purity and innocence of this beautiful platonic relationship, they said, as they churned out stories about Izuku “coming undone” under the caress of All Might’s rough hands. Right...

I could’ve understood if this was coming from naive 14-year-olds. But some of these people were in their 30’s, with kids of their own. If anyone understood family dynamics, it should’ve been them.

But after I spent more time around the server, I began to notice something else... something which explained a ton of the strangeness. 

Baby Fever

To understand what was happening, you first have to understand that Izuku’s baby face inflicts instant brain damage on sight. I mean, look at him:

aaa his cute widdle cheeks oh my god—

This kid sets off maternal instincts like landmines, and in the Dadmight server, I found that the Izuku infantilization train had gone completely off the rails. Writers constantly cooed over the adorable antics of 2, 3, 5-year olds and constantly talked about how much they wanted to make Izuku act them out. And surely, if All Might could indulge in the parental joy of caring for an innocent young babe, then his emotional scars would be healed and he could find fulfillment outside of that pesky “saving the world” business.

Now, the bio-dadmight folks had it easy: they just wrote about Izuku in his toddler years playing with daddy All Might. The cuddling and tickles made sense and were very cute. But other writers faced a challenge: they wanted to keep him 14-15 so that canon events could occur... but they didn’t want to be left out of the fun. 

So... they decided to rationalize and egg each other on. I mean, how much does age really matter? Being a child at heart is always cute and wholesome, right?

Suddenly, a whole lot of very uncomfortable things began to make sense:

So Much Physical Contact

He loved the physical touch. It was embarrassing and he would never admit it out loud, but there wasn’t much in this world he loved more than receiving physical affection from his idol. Every single time it happened he would save the memory to replay it over and over again whenever he felt sad, or almost every night before he went to bed. He was glad no one in the dorms had a mind-reading quirk. And All Might always gave it more freely when he visited his apartment, so of course he went there.

Izuku is often written to have a near-pathological craving for hair stroking and cuddles. Which is cute when directed at, say, classmates or mom, but gets real weird real fast when directed at the adult man he canonically idolizes to a freakish degree. Ever work with teenage boys? Most of them would rather die than be physically affectionate with adults, even parents... unless, you know, they’re that kind of fanboy.

Even freakier is that the grown adult would then reply, “Hell yeah! I see nothing wrong with getting physical with this kid who worships me! I crave it so much! I can't resist!” Ever work at a school? They have rulebooks and seminars specifically about how teachers should never touch or be alone with kids.

Then again, Midnight exists at this school. Maybe U.A.’s infamous lack of safety standards extends to this too.

Either way, though: cute and wholesome for a parent to do with their three-year-old. Very creepy when a high-school teacher makes excuses about why he really needs to cuddle and stroke his fifteen-year-old student in secret.

Narcolepsy Xtreme Edition

His student was never this affectionate or vulnerable when he was conscious, so he enjoyed the moment, even if it was a short one, as he moved to his room upstairs.

If you’ve read fanfiction for more than seven seconds, you’ve probably seen the “cram the character with booze/painkillers until they blurt out Vulnerable Things” plot device. It’s a beloved classic. But Izuku writers are robbed of the alcohol angle since he’s underage, and morphine is pretty niche. So authors who want to use this trick often just make Izuku tired after a long day, conclude that being sleepy is close enough to being five drinks in, and have him murmur “thanks, DAD... OOPS DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD???” to awkwardly segue into Familial Confessions.

But quite a few stories took the “sleepy” angle to a new, very odd place. Instead of groggily dispensing convenient confessions, Izuku would just... keel over while doing homework and be utterly dead to the world. And instead of having All Might briefly rouse him to shoo him to bed, or worry about his student suddenly becoming catatonic, the writers would make him eerily fixated on the opportunity to physically carry Izuku to his bedroom (which would somehow not wake him up!!!) and tuck him in while waxing poetic about how vulnerable and helpless he looked. 

Before joining the Dadmight server, I was mildly alarmed whenever I saw this, wondering why so many authors were obsessed with roofying the teenager and making the adult fondle him. But after joining, I realized: they were just trying to act out the cutesy aww-the-two-year-old-fell-sound-asleep-while-playing, it’s-so-cute scenes that all those darned lucky bio-dadmight people got to indulge in so easily.

Bed Sharing

It wasn’t long before Izuku’s breathing slowed, and soon he was asleep, snoring peacefully. Toshinori, after a few minutes of debating with himself, said screw it and got into the bed with the boy.

Cue me SCREAMING internally in confusion and fear. But no, it was just that the cutesy-kid-trope obsession stretched all the way to “Well, I used to snuggle with my parents at night after I had a nightmare! It was super wholesome!” Which led to scores of stories featuring a celebrity crawling into bed with his student.

All in all, joining this server was a huge relief. I was so glad to see that these hair-raising scenarios were just the result of the authors forgetting to mention “Oh, by the way, the characters are acting weird because we made them all agree to participate in preschooler roleplay.”

Just picture this while reading and it all makes sense.

Fanfic is uniquely susceptible to this sort of “forgot to mention this strange dynamic that I take for granted” issue. After all, 99% of fanfic doesn’t bother to waste time asking “would this make any sense to someone who had never watched the show?” It’s not worth it to focus on such a broad audience. As a result, fanfic normalizes skipping huge swaths of context that would normally be mandatory in a story. Fanfic authors don’t have to practice asking themselves “did I explain this properly?” anywhere near as often as original fiction ones.

This would be bad enough on its own, but then, we go cloister ourselves away into little sub-fandom echo chambers, and spend months crafting obscure in-joke fractals, and get so absorbed in our tiny myopic corners of the community that we also fail to ask, “would this make any sense to someone who hasn’t spent the last 5 months marinating in this specific Discord channel?” 

Sometimes we know exactly how niche our stuff is and just don’t care. But too often, we just legitimately suck at guessing how our work might come off to other groups. We don’t have to practice theory of mind as much as original fiction authors do. Our fandom buddies see nothing amiss with our writing (since they know all the server insider lore!) and everyone outside our tiny clique politely ignores our word salad... so we never get proper feedback on how incomprehensible our work can be even to other members of the same fandom.

In this case, this resulted in a whole pack of writers seemingly getting lost in the fluff sauce and completely forgetting to address the fact that the stuff men do with their own five-year-olds generally becomes really weird and creepy when done with someone else’s 15-year-old, whether or not the 15-year-old seems to want it. Izuku was a cute widdle innocent baby in their heads, so they assumed he was a cute widdle innocent baby in everyone else's.

Once I realized where they were coming from, it wasn't so hard to adjust my mental framework and enjoy these stories on their own terms. That said... infantilization still couldn't explain stuff like “What if Toshinori has read all of this wrong and the boy has no feelings above Toshinori being his teacher, and all Toshinori has done is fall harder and harder for him every day?”

To explain why that paragraph makes me want to crawl out of my skin, we first need to answer: what makes a piece of writing feel “questionable?”

“Vibes,” A Primer

Love comes in many forms. The big four are platonic, familial, romantic, and sexual. Sexual is easy: you’re horny for the person. Platonic love is specifically non-sexual, and familial love is a subset of platonic love. Romance usually implies horny, though there’s definitely a difference between outright sexual behavior and the behavior we file under the “romance” label.

There’s also a difference between romantic and platonic behavior. And this is where a lot of “questionable” vibes appear: when you’d expect an interaction between two people to be platonic, but for some reason, it has uncomfortable romantic/sexual overtones instead.

But what causes those overtones? A dad can give his kid a kiss on the head, and it comes off platonic. A suitor can give their crush a kiss on the head, and it comes off romantic. In fact, most romantic gestures have nearly identical platonic counterparts. Kissing, hugging, hand-holding, cuddling, vulnerable confessions. So what gives? What makes something “come off” one way or the other?

The actual answer is: a ton of stuff, most of it subjective. Everyone draws their lines in different places, based on culture and personal experience and how gutterbrained you’re feeling on any given day. A lot of it has to do with context (that thing that us fanfic authors are notoriously bad at judging).

Online wars are fought every day about whether some glance or gesture or phrase means they're "totally into each other fr"

But if you want to draw broad strokes, one way to roughly separate platonic vs romantic love is by gauging the level of passion involved. “Passion” is “a strong and barely controllable emotion that compels action.” That last part is key. 

Stereotypical romantic love is incredibly passionate. It’s all about desire to act, desire to change, desire to progress the relationship to something more. It features overwhelming anxious preoccupation about the other person’s thoughts and opinions, feeling irresistibly drawn to them, feeling intense longing. It’s about confessing and hoping the other person also feels the same. It often involves attempting to label the relationship, make it “official”, and show it off. It’s about trying desperately to secure assurance that this love will last forever and ever. You have to do something, and every moment spent not doing something is torture.

Contrast this to typical depictions of platonic and familial love. Familial love is calm, encompassing, soothing. It’s secure. You don’t have to worry, because no matter what rough patches you go through, they’ll always be your family and will always have unconditional love for you. Yes, you’ll fly into action if your loved one is threatened, but at rest, platonic love is generally not “exciting” and there’s generally little sense of urgency.

Romance is usually an insecure, anxious thing that’s trying to get to that secure, grounded familial stage. That’s why people say they progress from being “in love” to just “loving” one another. Romance draws people together and kickstarts the bonding process. And as the steady, mature bond of a long-term relationship forms, the obsessive mania of romantic infatuation fades away. 

So the difference between platonic and romantic behavior is not so much about the actual actions. It’s more about the mentality. Is the person anxiously trying to secure their partner’s affection while treating the relationship as a really big deal that will make or break their lives? Then their affectionate actions may come off more romantic. Are they seemingly at home in their partner’s presence and not trying to deepen or change the relationship? Then their affection will probably come off more familial or platonic.

There are, of course, a ton of things that go into it besides this, and caveats out the ass. For example, people trying to establish a new friendship are often anxious too. But when it comes to determining the “vibes” of a kiss or a cuddle, this can be a useful litmus test. Failing this test is often what makes something feel Questionable. The characters seem too invested... maybe because it's not truly innocent.

Now, let’s take a look at our Dadmight characters.

The biggest challenge of writing familial closeness between Izuku and All Might is simple: they are not family. They have no long shared history to justify any sort of intimacy. Instead they have a teacher/student relationship that places them both into rigid, frigid roles. 

Usually, familial-style bonding just takes time. You wait a few seasons, the characters slowly get closer and learn to trust one another, and eventually they’re hugging. But these two clowns spent the whole show being the ultimate found-family blue-balls experience. They were just never very emotionally open or touchy-feely. Every time they had the chance for Vulnerable Conversation And Cuddles, they passed it up in favor of a pep talk and a fist bump. It took a near-death experience to extract one (1) brief hug and some tears. But in normal everyday life? Arm’s length.

Literally. For example: after five seasons of bonding and character development, they are separated and Izuku is embroiled in a deadly conflict that almost destroys the world. When they finally reunite after the harrowing ordeal, alone under the starlight, they greet each other with a loving, heartfelt… handshake. This, predictably, spawned furious fix-it fic.

Overall, there is a huge gulf that authors need to cross in order to get these two from “polite handshake” to “tender cuddling and kisses.” They could write 50,000 words of setup to slowly accomplish this, but most authors did not want to wear their fingertips to the bone just to inch these two into an embrace. They wanted to jump the gap within a oneshot, leaping from canon frigidity into an unbreakable lifelong familial love that was also super touchy-feely and extremely vocal.

Now, remember what I was just saying? How romance is generally about trying to establish new family bonds? How it’s all about trying to change the relationship into something more?

Knowing all this, what do you think might happen if an author tried to speedrun two characters to the Family Finish Line as fast as they could? What do you think their shortcuts might end up looking like, completely by accident? Especially if their “sane and appropriate human interactions” gauge was warped by an echo chamber of fluff tropes and baby fever?

You might get:

Was it even possible that his feelings could be reciprocated? Toshinori didn’t want to think about it. It would just pain him more. Young Midoriya only saw him as an idol, a mentor who would help him train his body for One for All. Midoriya did not see him in the way he wanted him to.

Or:

He wanted desperately, desperately to have the courage to cross that threshold, to ask him what he longed for, to ask him for that relationship that he dared not voice.

Or even:

Toshinori feels his heart rate pick up and his gnarled stomach twist with nerves. Is he really going to do this? Is he going to tell this boy what he truly thinks and risk everything they’ve built up together over the past year-plus? His palms are sweating and he wipes them on his suit pants, rubbing the pads of his fingers together.

I'll stop now. The point is that these quotes could all have been word-for-word ripped from a romance novel. These are some industrial-grade Questionable Vibes. And reading them in context really doesn't help that much, for me at least. It's almost comical when they throw in "...I crave the touch of your rough hands as a son! A SON!"

If you know the building blocks of romance, it makes perfect sense why stories like this could come off this way. Platonic love is great, but it’s also stable, calm, and slow. It simply doesn’t have the sheer explosive force needed to catapult two stilted dorks into a brand-new dynamic within 2,000 words. Most stories can only achieve that kind of mileage via near-death experiences... or by inflicting the characters with neurotic infatuation.

Not only that, but their canon relationship is uniquely poised to set off romance-adjacent warning bells. Because they are not actually family, it makes sense for them to yearn for a deeper relationship in a way that a normal family wouldn’t. It makes sense for them to be anxious and insecure about their relationship, because it’s a very strange, hard-to-define thing that has to be kept secret from those around them. And it makes sense for them to consider their relationship a huge deal, because in canon, it’s fundamental to the most important aspects of both their lives.

I actually think it’s kind of inevitable that their character dynamic will sometimes stray into places that feel romantic. But that doesn’t mean the writer is a secret shipper... because I don’t think that passion always has to imply sexual desire, especially in fiction.

I’ve spent some time around the asexuality community, and my biggest takeaway was that sexual desire is very different from the desire to make deep, lifelong connections. Most asexual people still yearned to find that special someone, their anchor, a partner who unconditionally loved them and would stay by their side forever. Family. They would fall for people... they just didn’t want to fall into their pants. But it was almost impossible to keep these partners unless they were asexual too. Every one eventually pushed to “take things further,” or they left to find another person who would. 

So I can understand the yearning for a world where sex is kicked to the curb, where two strangers can find each other and share intense, whirlwind, “you’re my #1” love... without any lewd overtones. This little pocket of stories seemed like a manifestation of that yearning. 

Nowadays, more and more stories are taking previously romance-exclusive intimacy and yanking off the sexual baggage. For example, looking on the Dadmight tag will reveal “platonic soulmates” and “platonic hanahaki” stories. Yes, platonic hanahaki. No, not parody. There’s a clear unironic market for this content. People really want to be able to indulge in passionate, “till death do us part” emotional bonding in a safe, nonsexual way.

All Might and Izuku sit in a unique place. Not related, but powerfully linked by something thicker than blood. And their relationship is easy to paint as “safe”. It makes perfect sense that these two would attract creators who want to explore this hard-to-define chaste side of passionate love.

In real life, passionate obsessive-style attraction between adults and kids is a huge red flag. We can never really know whether those feelings are innocent or healthy. 99% of the time, they’re not. But in fiction, the author gets to choose what people really feel and whether things turn out well. They can explore the most unbelievable scenario of all: not a world where everyone is a mermaid, but a world where it’s actually wholesome and healing for a high school teacher and his student to confess their deep, undying love for one another, where a famous celebrity can secretly invite his obsessed underage fan over, stroke his hair, tell him how special their relationship is, and sleep with him in bed, without it ending up on Law and Order: SVU. 

On Critique

“Hap,” you might be thinking, “surely these stories can’t be as bad as you say. If they were, someone would have pointed it out to these poor souls. You should have pointed it out to these poor souls. You were in their writing server for chrissakes, and now you’re gossiping about them like a heartless goblin.”

First: yes, I'm a goblin. Second: I did bring this topic up to several Dadmight authors one-on-one. After getting a bunch of head-in-sand excuses in response, I decided to just quietly munch popcorn and watch the fandom’s antics unfold like a slow-motion train wreck.

Third: people did try to point this stuff out.

It was fascinating to watch the Dadmight server whenever someone posted a comment expressing concern. Some comments were trolls trying to get a reaction, of course. But others were very gentle: “hey, isn't it kind of weird to have them hop into bed together? It comes off kind of shippy...” I learned that the reason I had never seen comments like these in the past was because they were usually quickly deleted by the fic authors.

After deleting a comment, the author would often flee to the server for reassurance. The other users would agree that the commenter was definitely in the wrong, since they could see absolutely nothing questionable about the writer’s story. Someone would inevitably chime in saying that, oh, one time they got a comment calling things questionable like that, and it turned out to be from a shipper who shipped bad things. So, you know, anyone who sees shipping in things is probably just a bad person.

Phew. Crisis averted. If you can successfully paint the critic as a bad person, then there’s no need to descend into existentialist dread as you’re forced to critically reexamine the foundational concepts of your writing and your grasp on relationship dynamics.

(Credit where credit is due: one of the rules of this particular server was not to bash or insult people who like things you don't like. In most groups this is followed with an unspoken "...unless you can clutch your pearls over it", but to my surprise, when stuff like the above started kicking off, the moderators did step in to remind people to keep it civil. So, good job, mods. More maturity than I usually see in online spaces.)

But still, if anyone actually bothers to read this long screed, I already know what certain responses are going to look like. They’ll smugly assert that people who see questionable things are just sex-obsessed weirdos, projecting their icky lewd thoughts onto every innocent interaction they come across. A morally pure person wouldn’t make such gross assumptions.

I’m familiar with this kind of response because I’ve spent a lot of time around another group that responds the exact same way to these kinds of concerns. That group is known as fundamentalist Christians, and their attitude fosters three things:

People are afraid to speak out when they feel uncomfortable, because they don't want to be accused of being dirty-minded. 

People fail to learn the ground rules of normal romance/sexuality and so fail to recognize red flags.

The community is absolutely infested with creeps who take advantage of points 1 and 2 to run rampant.

Sadly, these three things also seem to be true in the Dadmight community. Being a platonic pairing, it naturally attracts people uninterested in and inexperienced with romantic/sexual relationships. And then the vitriolic, derisive responses to people’s concerns teaches them that it’s wrong to bring up those topics around the community at all.

And so, point 3 blooms. I eventually confirmed that my initial suspicions were correct: shippers did camp in the Dadmight tag, and they got away with posting some impressively brazen softcore underage content in public, presumably because even the people who were suspicious knew that going “hey now” would trigger a circular firing squad. 

The Dadmight community wasn’t clueless about this problem. They were incredibly paranoid as a whole. They knew there were bad actors lurking in their tag, but since they had disabled all their own safety alarms and expanded the definition of “platonic” to a ridiculous extreme, they had no way of being able to determine what was shipping and what was not until characters started actively whipping their dicks out. I saw constant fretting over whether it was okay to click the “like” button on an affectionate-looking piece of fanart without knowing for sure the intentions of the creator. But asking intentions was pointless anyway, since shippers just lied to them and then laughed as the platonic group eagerly ate up their evil, dirty-minded content.

I get why these “wait, that feels shippy...” comments feel like attacks. It’s fucking awful when your intentions are pure but someone interprets them in such a horrifying, disgusting way. It feels disrespectful when you clearly label something “platonic” but people still doubt. 

But remember: Going from “mentor” to “dad” with these two generally means breaking down normal boundaries, to escalate the emotional and physical intimacy between an authority figure and a starstruck, needy, vulnerable kid, because they have such a special and unique bond that no one else understands. So special, in fact, that it needs to be kept secret from the public.

In real life, this scenario is known as Groomer Tactics 101. 

Seriously, stop and read that link. It’s short and non-explicit. This is why I called their canon relationship “impressively alarming”—the bullet points of stages 1-3 describe Izuku and All Might nearly word-for-word. This does not mean I’m claiming All Might is a groomer, or that Izuku and All Might’s relationship is bad. Just that, due to their circumstances, they happen to have all the building blocks of relationships that go horribly wrong. All that separates their scenario from tumbling into Bad is the goals of the adult. So when a fanfic then comes along and makes the adult suddenly really interested in excessive touching? And the only reason he gives is “I’m weirdly drawn to this kid and touching them feels really good”? Of course people will get nervous!

Noticing this does not mean someone is “obsessed with shipping”. It means they’re a normal human being with eyes. Accusing someone of being problematic for making the most obvious possible observations about adult/child interactions is like accusing someone of being an arsonist because they embarrassed you by pointing out that your homemade backyard fireworks setup is halfassed and dangerous.

This does not mean it’s wrong to write wish-fulfillment where escalating to bed cuddles actually turns out great and awesome. But it does mean that, if an author writes it ignorantly or carelessly, they risk coming off like they’re glorifying and normalizing Groomer Tactics 101. It’s the same as when careless Twilight fans glorify and normalize stuff that, in real life, is abusive controlling boyfriend behavior.

Yes, it sucks when people come and yuck the yum. I’m sure the Twilight fans also get sick of people who complain and demonize them instead of letting them write their vampire boyfriend fantasies in peace. But the concern usually comes from a well-meaning place. 

Proudly announcing “I ignore the most basic child/adult red flags because they ruin my fun” is not the flex that some people think it is. I highly recommend people reconsider before they try to paint anti-child-groomers as the bad guys.

The Recipe

So, let’s summarize how to reproduce the Dadmight phenomenon. It starts with a canon relationship that has the most enticing found-family building blocks the world has ever seen: a downtrodden kid who really needs a dad + a lonely heroic mentor. However, their canon relationship also sits on top of a powder keg, coincidentally featuring all the “setup” stages of the sexual grooming model: 

a lonely, low-self-esteem kid

singled out by an esteemed, charismatic adult who is a pillar of the community

sharing a “special” relationship

constantly going off alone and keeping secrets 

A platonic fan community forms that is blissfully unaware of the above dynamics. They head off to fluff echo chambers, as platonic fans do. But due to the crybaby tendencies of the teenage character, they start projecting really aged-down toddler-play scenarios onto him. Eventually, as echo-chambered fans do, they decide that contextualization is for chumps. This results in fics that take the powder keg and add:

The adult craving to touch and hold the teenager

The teenager craving touch from the adult and mewling like a kitten when his hair is stroked (I’m not fucking joking)

Completely age-inappropriate stuff like stroking, kisses, and sharing a bed with a teenage student

Izuku and All Might also happen to suffer from loneliness and isolation, even more so in their fanon incarnations. This really resonates with most fans, who want to soothe and heal them. They also want to get to the healing cuddles within a few chapters instead of wasting time on super-slow buildup. So they make the two of them really strongly fixate on and angst about the agony of their loneliness, and how the other person’s love is the only cure that will fix them. In doing so, they insert:

Anxious passionate obsession

Love confessions

Coming-out scenes

Craving for exclusive relationship labels

Desire for exclusivity

Lastly, because platonic groups are either uninterested in or too young for spicy content, they tend to have very little experience with romantic/sexual literature and the tropes and catchphrases they lay claim to. So fic writers will innocently sprinkle in poignant-sounding things they’ve picked up here and there, such as:

Blushing and heart racing when looking at the person

The phrase “falling for each other”

The man “caressing” his partner with “rough hands”

“He came undone”

And because their communities condemn people who “read into things”, nobody points out any of this shit, and it all slides out into the public Internet unquestioned.

And so, we get the most impressively uncomfortable platonic content I’ve ever seen. It’s no wonder I had never encountered something like this before. It required a lot of unusual circumstances intersecting in just the right (wrong) way.

In the end, I think the biggest aspect was just that I'd never become a fan of characters that had such a potentially-problematic canon relationship. Usually adult and kid characters have very different dynamics, so if fics treat their social interactions with all the tact of a bull in a china shop, it just comes off as lazy instead of creepy. I'd be interested to know if other platonic adult&child fandoms suffer from this issue.

In any case, although it was fascinating to watch, I sure hope I never run into it again.

[adobe-outdesign]

Pokemon review: Ditto

(No review requests in the inbox right now, so I'll be doing this. No random generation this time as most Pokemon have been reviewed at this point.)

Ditto is probably one of the most straightforward ideas for a shapeshifter you can get—it can become anything, so its base form is nothing but a simple blob, similar to the classic RPG dungeon slime. In all honestly I do prefer something like the Zorua line that has a unique design by default in addition to copying other Pokemon, but Ditto is undeniably pretty cute. I like its silly little :) face and the sort of implied arm nubbins.

One thing I will note about Ditto is that it's never been consistent color-wise; sometimes it's a lavenderish purple and sometimes it's bright pink. It's not really a problem per say, but it is strange that it's never had a standardized color after all these years. (I personally like the pink more, for the record; the purple feels a bit washed out, a common problem among Gen 1 mons.)

Another notable thing about Ditto is the way its transforming works. People generally associate it with shapeshifting everything but it's face, resulting in normal Pokemon with hilarious :) faces. This has been seen everywhere from the anime to the TCG cards.

However, this... isn't really a thing in the games. This idea was introduced in an episode of the anime, wherein the face thing was a flaw that one specific Ditto had that got fixed by the end of the episode. In the games, Ditto can and does shapeshift with 100% accuracy. While they do occasionally use this for interesting gimmicks (such as SV having random wild Pokemon be Ditto), I'm honestly a big fan of the :) face transformations and think that should've been the norm. It adds so much personality and flavor, which is much needed in a Pokemon that just mimics others and has very little going on in its true form.

I also might as well point out that there's been a long-standing theory that Ditto is the result of failed attempts at cloning Mew. This has already been confirmed to have not been the intent in interviews, but honestly, I do like the idea even if it was completely unintentional. There is just something a bit odd, even by Pokemon standards, about a blob that just can shapeshift into anything that isn't a legendary/mythical (like Mew) and is actually transforming (unlike the Zorua line, who are just disguising themselves with illusions). Like, it definitely feels weird to just see an undisguised Ditto out and about in the grass in SV after a reset. But I digress.

Bizarrely, at one point Ditto was considered for an evolution in Gen 2 with this screaming thing that evolved via a metal coat of all things. Not only does it not feel like an evo so much as a Different Ditto, but it's also just strange to give a evo (or a regional, or anything, really) to a Pokemon who's entire thing is being other Pokemon. I'm not even sure how it would differentiate itself mechanically—maybe the idea is that anything it shifts into would gain steel typing or something? Either way, best this was scrapped.

Overall, a super simple Pokemon with a straightforward gimmick, with its only issue being that it honestly isn't quite gimmicky enough.

[raviollies]

actually no im gonna yap

im trying SO HARD to gaslight myself into liking veilguard but so many narrative choices just make me scratch my head. I AM NOT DONE, I currently gotta go to Weisshaupt.

I'll start with things I like so far:

1. I think the game is really pretty and I like the puzzles :) Antiva is GORGEOUS, I think one of the prettiest areas in the entire series.

2. I really like the Minrathous/Treviso choice. More of that please! some actual drama and consequence!

3. Assan is adorable and I cannot walk past without petting him. I didn't anticipate myself liking Davrin so much since I'm usually drawn to magic babies over warriors, but he's probably my favourite alongside Bellara. I think him having left his clan is very interesting narrative choice (I am totally not biased considering it's very similar to Daee's story)

4. Thank you lord almighty for the wardrobe/mirror system. Godbless.

5. Everytime Lucanis speaks I think of Puss in Boots and that brings me great joy. Whimsy even.

6. When you place Tevinter decor in the lighthouse, they have a Hookah right beside a fresco of Solas killing Mythal and that is mind bogglingly hilarious. I do love that the Shadow dragons know how to unwind. We're turning up after fighting for elf rights.

7. Solas surviving entirely on meat, raisins and honey feels very r/malelivingspace

Things I am Not Liking So Far

1.Minrathous feels utterly toothless. Its described as terrible, den of slavery, conversion therapy through blood magic, treatment of elves being terrible - yet we walk around unimpeded. I expected a similar experience as the Winter Palace, or fights that could be avoided if playing as a human.

LAVELLAN is introduced in the TEVINTER TAVERN, wearing TEVINTER CLOTHING, like it doesn't...make much sense to me? Inquisition set up the cross roads with Morrigan AND the Inquisitior, it feels like it would have made much more sense narratively not just from..."I am the fucking Inquisitor In Fucking Minrathous" but "Solas and the crossroads are a vital connecting point of these characters story."

Speaking of Inquisitor, wildly bizarre to me that neither Solas nor Varric comment on you meeting them. Solas has a weird painting of the Inquisitor chair, but you meet the mf face to face and he just does't acknowledge it. I am not a Solavellan player but I felt Really Bad For Them In That Moment.

I think a good moment of comparison is the difference in tone of DAI and DATV...When we find out the orb is elven in DAI, Solas warns us to keep it to ourselves, with Lavellan even remaking that the world will blame us for Corypheus. In DATV, we inform everyone that Elven gods are attacking, and there's no thought or conversation about the impacts of that on Elves in society. The only one to mention it is Davrin way after we've been spilling the beans left and right.

2. I'm not done the story but hey has anyone mentioned we haven't fought a single Fen'Harel agent, what's up with that... I expected to be fighting Elves based on the epilogue in Tresspasser but ?? ???

3. I'm sorry I HATE THEM DISREGARDING THE WELL OF SORROWS IN FAVOUR OF MORRIGAN WHEN SOLAS MAKES A HUGE DEAL OF YOU BEING TIED TO MYTHAL IF YOU DRANK FROM THE WELL. Oh sorry, if it was unimportant then why the fuck did you go on a monologue about how you're "her creature" and connected to her. It felt like a retcon of the importance placed on it in Inquisition and how much of a deal both Solas AND Morrigan make about it. I'm sorry picking a ROMANCE was more important than acknowledging THIS?? ? ??

"But Ravie, they can't account for Inquisitors personality and making them important would piss people off" then just kill them off. If they're set on Morrigan carrying this piece of narrative, I would have written the Inquisitor off the table before the choice becomes relevant. Have them help you in the ritual at the start of the game and die. I feel similarly about Varric, because he feels like the writers stuffed him in the closet to not talk which just...JUST KILL HIM. Its better than being relegated to furniture!!!!

3. Speaking of Morrigan why the hell is so nice. This is not my beautiful mean witch wife. In fact everyone is nice. Even hardened Lucanis has been polite to me.

4. I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH ROOK. I profoundly hate starting off friends with Varric (and him getting shelved like what was the point). It ruins a lot of initial RP for character establishment, because it limits how the player character FEELs about the whole thing, your motivations are GIVEN to you. Furthermore, it feels like rook HAS an established character. I don't feel like I got to play my rook, just say things slightly differently based on an already established character. I dont feel like I am roleplaying a custom character, just as Biowares stand in protagonist. Maybe I'm just spoiled by the level of interaction that BG3 provided me.

The opening sequence is bizarre to me, because IF I MAKING THE STORY....I would have had the introductory quests for each of the companions be the first quest based on the faction you select (Shadow dragons with Neve, Mournwatch with Emmerich, Crows with Lucanis etc. etc.) That way you establish your character based on the faction and immediately get a little tutorial on what kind of character you're going to be playing. I would even keep the introductory quests the same with minor dialogue tweaks. The ritual would come after the tutorial prologue mission and then you start with Harding and the companion you got introduced with, since the order you get them...really doesn't matter or impact anything.

5. I think the Venatori and Antaam following Elven Mage Gods is kinda dumb. Sorry. I thought they both looked down on them for being either Elves or Mages/didn't even acknowledge them. What the hell is their goal anyway

My criticisms comes down to...I don't know what themes the game is trying to tackle? The game SAYS things but doesn't actually do anything with these topics. Minrathous HAS a slavery problem but we don't see it. Treviso is ruled by a faction of assassins but it's like a good thing! Elven gods are responsible for everything wrong in the world, but the narrative implications of what that means for modern elves are acknowledged in passing like acknowledging the weather. The game feels hesitant to actually unpack any of these things despite being the one to put them on the table.

Anyway I am going to finish the game and probably play on Daee with a Solavellan Inquisitor to see if that improves my experience by picking a character who is more tailored to the Rook they portray/not having an emotional connection to the Inky, but atm...Man I Had Hopes. Made me feel stupid for getting so hyped up for a conclusion to a story arc for a character THEY SPECIFICALLY LEFT ON A CLIFFHANGER FOR A DECADE. I'll just draw art, lie face down in the ground and imagine a more narratively satisfying conclusion to my Inquisitors story.

[mitochondriaandbunnies]

Miami Vice S2E8 Tale of the Goat

A dead man, amidst rumors of voodoo magic and zombie resurrections, returns to life to continue running his criminal empire.

Obligatory "This Is An Episode About A Minority Religion and Not Particularly Sensitive About It" warning, although it is much lighter on the actual religious implications than Whatever Works, for positive (less things are actually said, good or bad, about anyone's belief system) and for negative (it is left very much unclear what anyone believes, so there is a vague sense that there's a community of Haitians living in Miami who are just like "oh yeah, zombies are 100% real")

Whatever Works is a better episode than this one, and it's a bit odd to have the two "spooky crime religion" episodes so close, but I will admit some genuine fondness for Tale of the Goat for two reasons:

One, this is a stellar Sonny/Rico episode, which I will get into later

Two, it is silly, ridiculous schlock-horror fun. I feel very strongly that Tale of the Goat is very purposefully channeling the aesthetics and vibes of like, 50's/60's drive-in horror movies, and I think it actually does that quite well. It's a thinly plotted episode that raises a lot of questions it doesn't answer, but I get the sense there's some intentionality there. I do really believe that part of why Miami Vice is so good is because it isn't just a regular police procedural-- it is a show that isn't afraid to get weird, try out different genre expectations, and imply some really fucking bizarre things about the world its characters live in. Many of my favorite (and just, generally, many of the more memorable) episodes are magical realist in some way, and without that edge of oddness, Vice just becomes a very pretty cop show. It's why I am a vehement defender of Season Four, in all its occasional goofiness, and why I find a lot of Season Three (which is the straightest "cops doing cop things" season) kind of disappointing. I'll get more into the specifics, but I do think Tale of the Goat is purposefully playing around with horror movie expectations. It may not land that successfully throughout its runtime, but it is trying something.

The episode opens with Sonny and Rico going to check the contents of a coffin for a man named Legba (Clarence Williams III), an international criminal drug dealer and supposed voodoo practitioner. Sonny explains all this and Rico is just. Fucking. Howls. With laughter. Throughout the episode, Rico thinks the idea of zombies, and the "zobops" (a.... voodoo crime syndicate) are the funniest fucking thing in the entire world, which is hilarious given that he was one of the characters in Whatever Works who was fairly serious about Santeria being a real religion. This could be an oversight on the part of the writers, or perhaps an attempt to not make Rico into the "minority religion expert" character. However! I think what the writers were really doing was just making him the traditional "logical nonbeliever in a horror movie who gets comeuppance when the scary thing turns out to be real." He's the sane, clinical doctor who assures the frightened main character-- no, no, of course ghosts aren't real-- before being murdered by ghosts.

It is also notable, however, that Rico is just very giggly in this episode-- he and Sonny spend a lot of it laughing together, and Rico seems especially tickled by Sonny's jokes. Their relationship seems to have "leveled up" a bit by Tale of the Goat-- whereas in the first season, they were friendly and devoted to each other as partners but occasionally a little guarded, by this point in the second season, they are clearly true friends who genuinely enjoy spending time together. (Rico's giggliness almost makes it seem like he is hoping for another relationship upgrade; he is acting a bit like someone with one of those blinding "everything you say is the smartest and funniest thing in the world" crushes. It's cute.)

At Legba's funeral, Rico points out that Legba's ex girlfriend is beautiful because Rico cannot keep himself away from CRIME WIVES, and Sonny, grinning like the Cheshire Cat, is like : ) "Eeeeasy does it." : ) : )

Which is to say Sonny is like "ha ha you have a boner" : )

Legba's funeral is simultaneously very stupid (like, from an in-universe perspective.... why is there so much smoke? Also. The titular goat.) and absolutely lovely, atmospheric Southern Gothic nonsense. I love that it's a haunted, eerie scene filmed in the daytime, and that the overriding color of the elements of fear is white. The living guests at the funeral seem like phantoms, both in their dress and their actions. The swirling fog and smoke makes it seem like Sonny and Rico have stepped into another world, and are observing spirits going through the motions of life rather than an actual funeral.

And uh. Then they open Legba's casket, and there's a goat inside it, and a dude just points at it and says, very blandly, "ZOMBIE." And that kind of kills the atmosphere. It's quite silly.

This episode has a great cast-- Clarence Williams III (the Mod Squad, Purple Rain, American Gangster), Peter Sellars (no, not Sellers-- Sellars is not an actor himself, but a stage director, considered one of the most thoughtful and influential of the last century), my old pal Ray Sharkey (Wiseguy, Scenes from the Class Struggle in Beverly Hills). Williams mostly shuffles around being spooky, but he sells that pretty well. There's a scene where he walks towards the camera in the dark while music plays and everyone behind him is dancing that is downright chilling.

Ray Sharkey plays a used car salesman with his usual insane aplomb, making what might be a throw-away character into someone fairly memorable despite his short screen time (and his... distinctive choice of accent!) Also, the cars he's selling have the weirdest fucking taglines:

HOT & SASSY! CREAM PUFF! LAZER! SUGAR SHACK! Oh to be the person in charge of writing shit on the set for Miami Vice.

Everyone say hello to Sonny's gay little mesh sweater

Castillo is extremely done with this episode, and with Sonny and Rico (world's #1 pair of chucklefucks) especially

There are some things that just seem genuinely "off" about this episode (the film actually seems genuinely less well preserved, or at least is much grainier and desaturated than other episodes; the actual cinematography is consistently bland; there is a ton of iffy overdubbing; the fight scene in the arcade is "Captain Kirk throwing his entire body at an alien" bad). The director (Michael O'Herilhy) only did one other Vice episode (Junk Love, which you may recall me recently saying was mostly only "okay" on a second watch through) but did direct 25 episodes of The A-Team, so that may account for part of why this one seems a little un-Vicelike in some ways. However, O'Herilhy's workmanlike direction isn't enough to make me think that a lot of the choices in this episode aren't purposeful nods to the era of horror that gave us Jesse James Vs. Frankenstein's Daughter, The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies, and dozens of William Castle movies. In the course of one episode, we have zombies, we have a spooky misunderstood religion, we have hallucinogens, we have a hobbling undead man appointing a Little Person THE MASTER OF THE GRAVEYARD, we have snake handling, we have a midnight dance party that GOES WRONG! It's a drive-in horror film-- goofy and scary in equal measures.

There's a moment where Sonny and Rico are doing surveillance together in the Daytona in the dark, and it's filmed through the windshield, with the pair of them leaning their heads back as they talk, and it's really a lovely, soft little choice of framing-- it's very kids talking at a sleepover, once again, in a way their relationship hasn't quite been before this point in the show.

Rico asks Marie if she needs a place to stay and like. Uh. Bro. Are you inviting her to come stay in your cardboard box, oh Mr. "Only Member of the OCB Without an Onscreen Home?"

Despite some of the goofiness of the episode, there's a point where we learn that Legba, who is Haitian, has been taking money from other Haitians who have been attempting to get into the US for many years, and just as often leaving them to die during the overseas journeys they've purchased from him. The metaphor is perhaps a bit labored-- usually we associate vampires (especially old-timey vampires) with wealthy societal parasites profiting off and destroying their own people, not zombies, but it's not that much of a stretch to see why they created this connection between literal economic parasitism and the undead. Legba, whether through cult-worship, "magic," and tetradotoxin; or through the destruction of people's lives and livelihoods, sucks the life out of everyone he comes into contact with.

Ray Sharkey. Ray. Buddy.

What is this pose. And outfit.

Marie is placed under Gina's watch because Rico lives in his car and a scary naked scuba man comes from absolutely nowhere up onto the deck of the boat they're on; Gina just pushes the guy right back in the ocean and shoots him.

1) Honestly Gina, you're a little trigger happy, but frankly I feel you on this one, and 2) why is the scuba man doing scuba in a speedo, and 3) why is this the angle we got of the attack

Since this is the 60's B-Movie Horror Episode and Rico is playing the part of the Nonbeliever Who Gets His Comeuppance, when he suggests going undercover to investigate Legba, he laughs at the suggestion of backup, and says "What're they going to do, put a spell on me?," to which Sonny responds with far more trepidation-- he explains that while he doesn't personally believe in voodoo, there's nothing wrong with keeping an open mind.

Unsurprisingly, Rico (whose.... Haitian? European French? Pepe le Pew? accent is absolutely atrocious, and who places a tracking bug in completely plain sight) is immediately pegged as a cop, kidnapped, and drugged.

Sonny immediately freaks out-- they lose the truck with Rico on it, and he realizes they aren't tracking him anymore, either. Panicked, voice almost cracking, he calls and tells Gina to put surveillance on any building they could've taken Rico to. Gina asks him to "narrow it down," and Sonny responds, on the border of yelling, "ANYTHING WITH WALLS!"

So narrow

You did such a good job narrowing it down

Somehow this works, and they locate the house where Legba's party/zombie cult/drugging and murder sesh took place the night before. The place-- nearly all white, like the mourners at Legba's funeral-- is sad, abandoned, and littered with party detritus, fallen leaves, trash, and clothes: another reminder that what is really scary about Legba isn't the spooky undead nonsense, but the way he treats people. Everything and everyone is simply a tool for him to be used up and thrown away.

Zito realizes someone is in the dry pool with all the leaves; Sonny sees that it's Rico and jumps in to save him. He covers him with his jacket, cradles his face, and as the camera pulls out, leans over him like this:

Which could mean nothing

The first thing Rico sees when he wakes is Sonny, and they hold each other in the hospital through Rico's panic as the doctor (and Castillo) look on like. Okay. Sure. If you have to.

This guy is 100% having a Starsky & Hutch moment here, thinking, "okay, wait, I assumed cops partners, but maybe I misunderstood"

The end of the episode is comparatively weak, although that's also sort of par for the course with the genre they're playing around in. At least no one wakes up and is like it was alllll a dream! We learn that Rico might never fully recover/have brain damage or something of that ilk, and there's a final confrontation with Legba where Rico sort of hallucinates part of it, but I think if they had better allotted the runtime of the episode they could've made that a much more impactful conflict. It's over pretty quickly, and Rico more of less shrugs off the whole blowfish poisoning thing after that. We learn that Marie is okay (and.... in some upholstery), and the episode ends right there, very abruptly.

It's not a high art episode-- but it is a fun one, and the ways it plays around with genre expectations (both horror and police procedural) is genuinely interesting. Furthermore, we're about a third of the way through a season that wants you to be thinking about partnership and the ways it can go both right and wrong, as well as how it can become a crutch or a burden to some and a source of strength for others. I'm of the opinion that Sonny, who has lost one partner already, realizes his affection for Rico is a genuine liability for him in this episode; there is a stark difference in the way he treats his partner in the hospital (about as physically affectionate as he gets with anyone over the course of the series, treated by the doctor as if he is Rico's next of kin) versus when he gets out of it (suddenly quiet, hands off, and almost dismissive). The episode that follows this one is Bushido, which is another episode about Partners Who Love(d) Each Other Too Much and the fallout of the fallout of their friendship, and I don't feel like that's a coincidence-- Sonny decides at the end of Tale of the Goat that he needs to tread a little more carefully around Rico, and then a short while later will be confronted with a future the two of them could be heading towards and that Sonny absolutely does not want.

Sometimes you just have to say it with zombies, okay

[kooldewd123]

I know this has been said many times before, but one of the things that makes adventure time so great is how it builds off its own weird-ass internal logic to create stories that are incredible to fans of the show who are in on said logic, while simultaneously seeming like utter randomness to an outsider. Which is how you get stuff like this:

This image is hilarious out of context. This is some sort of bizarre eldritch alien creature casually riding a bus. This single frame is also one of the most gut-wrenching moments AT has ever produced, and that's the beauty of this show to me.

[pretty-little-aesthetics]

Be Cool Scooby Doo is one of the best iterations of the Scooby Doo franchise and I will DIE ON THIS HILL.

The comedy is perfection. The number of jokes I repeat back to family and friends like, "BUT THE POOFING!!" and "I just CAN'T with Crows!!"...its really fun and silly.

The characters actually get fleshed out. Like Daphne is an utter weirdo, not a lovesick teeny-bopper (yes, a community nbc reference) who only cares about Fred, and she is constantly picking up weird hobbies and interests, and basically holds the group together in this show. Scooby and Shaggy have food loving personalities, not unlike other versions of the franchise, but they are sassy and have their own complex friendship. Velma is a genius girl who struggles socially and has a lot of interest in tech, more so than people. And FRED. Fred usually doesn't have much of a personality in most iterations of Scooby Doo, but he is a controlling, bossy, mystery obsessed guy in this show and he OWNS IT.

Its meta as hell. All of the characters are pretty self aware and in later episodes call out the fact that they are like, doing the same things formulaic-ly. Its hilarious and bizarre for a "kids show" to be doing. I LOVE IT!

[screechingobservationnacho]

Invader Zim yandere for Kenny Mccormick AU

Okay, buckle up, because this is going to be a bizarre, terrifying, and probably hilarious ride. Here we go:

The Colorado wind whipped around South Park Elementary, carrying with it the scent of pine needles and impending doom. Kenny McCormick, wrapped in his perpetually orange parka, huddled a little deeper into it, trying to ignore the insistent buzzing that had been plaguing him all morning. It wasn't the usual mosquito swarm; this was... different. It vibrated right in his skull.

He glanced around. Nothing. Just the usual gaggle of fourth graders, Stan and Kyle arguing about some obscure superhero, and Cartman snickering at Butters. Then, something glinted from behind the dumpster.

Zim, the notoriously incompetent invader from Planet Irk, stepped out. His antennae twitched, and his large, ruby-red eyes were fixed on Kenny. But there was something…off about them. They weren't the usual manic, bug-eyed stare of a would-be conqueror. They were softer, almost…glazed.

“Mmm… Human… Kenny,” Zim hissed, stepping closer, his voice unusually low and smooth, lacking its usual screech. His PAK, which usually pulsed with malevolent energy, seemed to hum with a strange, almost purring, rhythm. “You are… fascinating.”

Kenny, used to Zim’s ridiculous threats and schemes, just blinked. “Uh… hi, Zim?” He tried to move towards the school doors, but Zim blocked his path.

"Do not move, Kenny," Zim commanded, his tiny, clawed hand reaching out and gently touching Kenny’s sleeve. "I have… observed you. You are… unique. Irresistible."

A shiver of genuine fear, colder than the Colorado wind, went down Kenny’s spine. This wasn’t the goofy, shouting Zim he knew. This was something else entirely.

He tried to pull away, but Zim’s grip on his parka tightened. “You are too special to be amongst these other… inferior humans. You need a more… controlled environment. A place… where you can be… only mine.”

"Woah, dude, you okay?" Kenny asked, genuinely worried now. He’d seen girls get weird around Stan before, but this was on a whole new level.

Zim ignored the question. He spoke with fervent passion, practically panting. "I have analyzed your biological makeup. Your… resilient nature is quite impressive. You are a model specimen of… adaptability. You would make the perfect… captive."

Kenny’s eyes widened. He'd been called many things, but a “model specimen of adaptability” by a maniacal alien was definitely a first. “Captive? Like… in your ship?”

Zim’s eyes lit up. “Yes! With me. I shall provide you with everything you require. I have designed… comfortable containment units… specifically tailored to your size. And… delicious nutrient paste… in the flavor of… well, whatever you desire. We shall be… together… forever.”

He then pulled out a… strangely beautiful, if still alien-looking, collar. It shimmered iridescently. “This… beauty will ensure you stay close. My… precious… Kenny.”

Kenny swallowed hard. He had died hundreds of times, eaten by rats, crushed by elephants, and even turned into a ghost. But facing this… lovesick, obsessive, and terrifyingly genuine Zim was something else entirely.

"Zim," he began, trying to sound calm, "I gotta go to class. Like, Mr. Garrison is going to yell if I'm late."

Zim’s face contorted briefly with something akin to… sadness? “Humans… their ‘classes’ are so… unimportant. They distract from what is… vital: your… connection with me.”

He reached out again, the collar dangling in his hand. Kenny desperately looked around. Stan and Kyle were still bickering. Cartman was… well, Cartman was probably trying to figure out how to blame all this on Kyle. Nobody was paying attention.

Suddenly, a familiar voice cut through the air. "Kenny! What the hell are you doing talking to that green booger?! You gonna be late for class!"

It was Stan. Bless Stan's oblivious, practical soul.

Zim’s head snapped towards Stan, his eyes narrowing, the strange gleam replaced by something definitely more dangerous. “You… insignificant speck of dust! You dare interrupt my communion with… my Kenny?!”

Stan, never one to back down, simply crossed his arms. “Yeah, well, I dare interrupt your weirdo alien crap. C’mon, Kenny!”

Kenny, seizing the opportunity, bolted past Zim and towards Stan. He’d deal with the weird yandere-Zim later. Right now, he needed the safety of the mundane chaos of fourth grade.

Zim watched them go, his small frame trembling with rage. Then, a strange, disturbing smile spread across his face. "You may think you have escaped me, little Kenny," he whispered, his voice a low, purring growl. "But I assure you… you cannot. I will find… a better time… to claim you… my precious… my Kenny.”

And so, life in South Park continued, only now, Kenny McCormick knew he wasn't just being stalked by death. He was being stalked by something far, far more unsettling. He was being stalked by a lovelorn, yandere Invader Zim. And that was a fate far more horrifying than any death he'd ever experienced.

[katatonicimpression]

Guys straight up bizarre opinion incoming:

So, I watched A Fistful of Dollars last night. (Ah young Clint eastwood, back when he was hot and not predominantly famous for being a piece of shit... nostalgia...). And, despite everything, it slaps. Deserves its reputation as a classic.

Anyway, so the stranger/man with no name/joe/blondie is kinda an odd character to look back on. Nowadays, post 80s, post Schwarzenegger and Stallone, it's odd to see an action hero ever be treated as human. Maybe john mcclane in die hard? But mostly they're superhuman, hypercopetant at everything. Every act is impressive, nothing they do is normal. In contrast, blondie is very human, just very good at what he does. He gets his bombastic "get a load of this guy isn't he awesome" moments, but there's something very real about him.

He's also got this fun energy to his characterisation, basically because it's subtle and sometimes ambiguous. But he's not "oh I'm a stoic action hero I'm not gonna say anything". No, he's friendly enough. It's a weird performance because it was criticised at the time for it's blandness, but to me he comes across as great because he seems real, just understated. He lacks a stock characterisation (this is before his own character became a genre trope of its own), and I personally think that makes him more interesting. But to many at the time, the lack of recognisable trope in the performance made it bad. This is all hilarious in retrospect given how iconic the character now is.

Anyway so two things, and I said they were weird

1: That person saying sam has no personality? And inconsistent characterisation? Full of absolute shit.

Like, they'd be wrong anyway, but I will draw the comparison that just because a character isn't a stock persona, doesn't mean they don't have a strong presence. A huge thing with sam is his subtleties, his lack of adherence to stereotypes of various kinds, and the nuance of him. He's really difficult to put into a box and that's kind of the point of him. And the performance was great, I do think we - and especially the general audience - know sam better now.

They're wrong for other reasons but, idk just the comparison that's on my mind.

2: cap 5 should basically be a fistful of dollars.

I'm serious.

Ok so less murder, obviously. Sam's not got that energy. And his friends can be his canon entourage instead of some randos. But the same idea.

Sam puts himself between two warring factions, plays both sides. Things go to shit when he acts rashly to save someone who's plight reminds him of his own trauma (cue flashbacks). But sam does manage to escape and save the day, with a badass entrance and an iconic beat down of the villains.

Like... I cannot tell you how much I want this kind of structure now. I think it would really work.

Anyway, tune in next week when I watch for a few dollars more and somehow make it about Iceman

[ichorandpride]

What's your favorite 40k faction since ur apparently into 40k too

idk if its a faction but the adeptus mechanicus. i love those guys they're absolutely bizarre and have some hilarious lore. that and im into the whole cult thing. i wont get into it because it's long af

but the ironstrider lore?? i HAVE to talk abt that. like one dude knew how those giant things worked, he died, and so now they just keep those things perpetually running because god knows if they shut em off, they might never turn back on again. so the striders just. infinitely run around in circles and get dragged back to a rider if they need to use em

that and i love their designs. like how the fuck does any of this work?

idk but with hard work, prayer, and reverence to the omnissiah, it does

not only that but i love LOVE LOVE Faustinius. most describe the Skitarii as being simple expendable and disposable 'drones' due to their low rank and other crap, but Faustinius, absolute chad that he is, refuses to delete his emotions and thus can form bonds or respond appropriately

he loves his Skitarii and i love him in return. re: this meme

anyways the adeptus mechanicus are my faves. theyre so weird

[orionsangel86]

Seeing criticism of Good Omens Season 2 on here is a wild ride for me because I generally seem to agree with everything gomens critical people are saying whilst at the same time still absolutely loving gomens S2.

It's like this: Okay so you have written this super popular book revolving around this precocious kid who happens to be the antichrist whose birth kickstarts the apocalypse. The four horseman turn up as well as these other strange human characters one of which is an actual witch whose great great great grandmother wrote an accurate prophecy book which predicts armaggedon. Through a series of somewhat hilarious events, the kid, his friends, and the other weird humans manage to stop the apocalypse.

Also throughout the whole thing there are these angel and demon characters fussing about getting into arguments but not actually doing anything to forward the plot or make any difference to the main storyline. For some reason everyone reading the book finds these characters far more compelling and entertaining and seems to think they are the main characters. But they are not.

Then the book gets adapted into a show and the focus shifts onto the angel and demon characters because obviously they are the popular ones that everyone loves. So what's a writer to do when the fan favourite characters basically don't have any part in the primary plot points? Give them a more coherent side plot steeped in romantic tropes and claim that they are in love. Boom. Instant fandom catnip.

But then you are presented with a problem. The show has become super successful and everyone wants more story. You may have discussed a sequel over the years with your writing partner but it never really came to anything probably because its difficult to plot out a sequel centred around two characters who weren't the protagonist of the first book, and that story is done and dusted. Whats a writer to do?

Lean into the fans thirst for more angel on demon action and write what amounts to high budget fanfiction pulling the love story b plot of season 1 into the main focus for season 2. Of course book purists are gonna hate that!

Any legitimate sequel to Good Omens should have centered around Adam. The former antichrist now coping with everything he went through growing up a normal human whilst still having a creeping sense that its not quite over, that maybe heaven and hell still have a part for you to play in their grand plan. Sure, Crowley and Aziraphale could have been involved, continuing their b plot love story, but at least this way the sequel would have been more consistent with the plot of season 1.

The problem with continuing Adam's story is that, and I mean no disrespect here, no one cares about Adam. Adam and his friends are the weakest elements of season 1. People tune into Good Omens for the Crowley and Aziraphale show, and Neil Gaiman knows this.

The plot of Gomens S2 is weak. The mystery around Gabriel is a bit silly, and is only connected to the season 1 plot in the loosest sense. The fact that he and Beelzebub speedrun an angel/demon romance is bizarre and does come out of left field... like something out of fanfiction. It also does indeed rob some of what made Crowley/Aziraphale so special - the fact that they were unique in their love and respect for each other despite being on opposite sides. Also I wish Maggie and Nina were given more development (and less clunky dialogue).

The only criticism I really don't agree with is the criticism that Aziraphale was written out of character, because quite simply, season 1 never ever resolved the fundamental issue at the center of Crowley and Aziraphales relationship. Throughout season 1 Aziraphale constantly insults and berates Crowley, claiming he's the "bad one" and refusing to accept that they aren't on opposite sides. There have been plenty of metas stating that this was all out of fear and a need to protect Crowley, and sure, you can interpret it that way, but not once in season 1 does Aziraphale actually say "yes we are on our side. Yes we are the same. I was wrong to claim you were bad when you've clearly been showing me how good you are for millennia." Its maybe implied that he has learned, but its never truly confirmed, because season 1 wasn't about Crowley and Aziraphale and their relationship. But season 2 takes its lead from that.

It's just rather amusing to me how the discourse that has built around season 2 seems to be fundamentally forgetting these points. GOS2 isn't really a sequel to Good Omens. It's a spin off. It's a spin off about Crowley and Aziraphale and their silly relationship drama whilst they deal with a silly low stakes mystery regarding Heaven and Hell (also characters that were barely involved in the book if at all!). It doesn't really tie into the first story at all.

In my opinion, all it needed to link it more closely to season 1, was to bring back Frances McDormand as God to do the narration. If that had happened, season 2 would have been just fine. As it stands, it comes across rather like a spin off fanfiction. But I love fanfiction, and I have always only ever watched Good Omens for Aziraphale and Crowley. To me, season 2 is fantastic, its like if Supernatural had a spin off show all about Castiel in which he is the lead character, and part of the main A plot is him getting together with Dean finally - Dean being the love interest in this particular show. Amazing. 10/10 would watch another 15 seasons of just that - but general Supernatural fans who aren't fandom specific would probably HATE IT.

So yeah, I do understand the criticism its receiving, but I find it funny, because ultimately Neil Gaiman gave fans exactly what they wanted, he gave them an Ineffable Husbands fanfiction - M/M Romance, F/F OC Side Pairing, Rated: Teen and Up, #Fluff, #Dancing, #Excessive Jane Austen References, #Crack Treated Seriously, #Surprise Final Pairing (check the end notes for spoilers!), #Miscommunication, #Love Confessions, #First Kiss, #Angst #Hurt/No Comfort, #Cliffhanger Ending.

Can any of us really say we wouldn't immediately click "proceed" on this fic and then stay up til 3am reading it til our eyes bled? Me neither.

[stanleypinesgf]

Falling for Mystery - Chapter Three

Falling for Mystery Masterlist Warnings: No warnings for this chapter, I hope you enjoy! Please note: this is a slow burn fic with eventual smut and mature themes, 18+ only and please check warnings at the start of chapters!

w/c: 1,254

Lazy Susan wasn’t kidding, this ‘Mystery Shack’ really was hidden away—I'm surprised anyone finds this so-called tourist trap. After walking back to the motel, I drove myself toward the Shack and was glad for the car. Even with directions, I got a little lost twice and had to ask locals for help. Interestingly enough, the locals had colorful tales about Stanford Pines. I learned that he’s an eccentric scientist-turned-entrepreneur of sorts, offering tours of the Shack to anyone curious enough to wander in. One man warned me that he’s a conman, a charlatan, but I took that with a pinch of salt as I continued driving deeper into the woods.

The further I drove, the denser the trees became, casting long shadows over the winding road. Just as I started to wonder if I’d made a wrong turn, the road opened up, revealing a large, weathered sign ahead—Mystery Shack. It stood proudly, despite the chipping paint and crooked letters, like a relic of another time trying desperately to stand out.

The building itself was a mix of rustic charm and oddball design—part log cabin, part eccentric tourist trap. Signs advertised “Wonders Beyond Imagination” and “Curiosities of the Unknown,” though the handwriting looked like something hastily thrown together with whatever supplies were handy. Despite its worn exterior, the place seemed alive with an almost magnetic energy, pulling me in with its strange allure.

Taking a deep breath, I pushed open the front door, and the bell above jingled sharply. Inside, the air was thick with the smell of wood, dust, and something I couldn’t quite place. The walls were plastered with bizarre items; some obviously fake, like papier-mâché skulls and rubber snakes, while others looked just strange enough to make me pause. The whole place was a weird mix of kitsch and eerie, and I couldn’t tell if I was more amused or unsettled.

“Welcome to the world-famous Mystery Shack!” A gruff voice called from behind a cluttered counter, fast and full of enthusiasm. “Step right up, take a look around! You won’t find a collection like this anywhere else on the West Coast—guaranteed!”

A man strode out from behind the counter; he’s younger than I expected. Tall and broad, maybe in his mid-thirties, with messy brown hair just peeking out from beneath the red fez perched on his head. His rolled-up sleeves revealed strong forearms, and there was a spark in his brown eyes that made him look like he’s always scheming. He had an easy smile, but there was something sharp behind it, like he was always three steps ahead of everyone else.

"Stanford Pines," he said, tipping his fez dramatically. “But please, call me Stan. And this fine establishment? One-of-a-kind! We’ve got the rarest oddities you’ve never seen, all for a limited-time offer—today only! Or, y'know, tomorrow. I’m flexible.” He winked, his grin widening, all confidence and charm, clearly used to pulling people in with his fast-talking pitch.

I couldn’t help but smile back, though I tried to keep it neutral. “Just looking around,” I said. “A waitress at Greasy’s told me to check this place out.”

“Ah, Lazy Susan, huh? She’s always sending me her best customers,” Stan replied with a smirk. “Good taste on her part. But hey, take your time. Just remember, you break it, you buy it.”

I wandered around the Shack, eyeing some of the displays with amusement. Stan followed me casually, like he was expecting me to be amazed by something at any moment. The place was filled with a strange mix of objects that were both intriguing and hilariously fake—plastic cryptids, suspicious-looking fossils, and bizarre sculptures.

“You get a lot of traffic through here?” I asked, glancing at a stuffed ‘jackalope’ that looked like a rabbit with antlers glued to its head.

“Eh, you know, business comes in waves,” Stan replied, leaning against the counter. “But once people get a taste of what we’ve got here, they can’t help but tell their friends. They always come back for more.”

I raised an eyebrow playfully. “For the… rubber snake exhibit?”

Stan grinned. “Hey, don’t knock the snake! That thing’s a classic. Real crowd-pleaser.” He paused, watching me with a glint in his eyes. “But I get it. You’re not just some tourist passing through, are ya? You’ve got that look—like you’re searching for something. Something you haven’t quite found yet.”

I was taken aback for a moment, not expecting him to see through me so quickly. “Maybe I’m just curious,” I replied, deflecting.

Stan chuckled, pushing off the counter and walking closer. “Curiosity’s what keeps people coming back, y’know. I’d bet money you’ll be back here tomorrow, ready to see more of what the Shack’s got to offer.”

Before I could respond, a loud thud echoed from somewhere in the back. Stan rolled his eyes and muttered under his breath, “Damn it.” I eyed him curiously.

“Be right back,” he said, walking quickly toward a back door marked “Employees Only.” I could hear him grumbling expletives as he disappeared, leaving me alone with the odd exhibits.

As I waited, I glanced around the room, curiosity tugging at me. The Shack was a strange mix of showmanship and mystery, and while most of it looked like a scam, there was something about the place—about Stan—that felt real. I wasn’t sure if it was the town, the Shack, or just the fact that I was finally in a place that didn’t remind me of the past, but for the first time in a long while, I was starting to feel like sticking around might not be so bad.

Stan reemerged a few minutes later, looking a bit more flustered but still wearing that cocky grin. “Sorry about that. The, uh, ‘exhibits’ like to keep me on my toes.”

I laughed lightly, and for a second, I swear I caught a glimpse of something more genuine behind his bravado—something tired, maybe even vulnerable, but it was gone as quickly as it appeared.

“So,” he said, regaining his swagger, “what do you say? Wanna take home a one-of-a-kind souvenir to remember your trip?”

I smiled, browsing the gift shop. “What’ll a Mystery Shack t-shirt cost me?” I was rapidly running out of clean clothes, and the shirt was surprisingly soft to the touch.

“A shirt’ll run you $15,” Stan said. I rummaged through my wallet, scrounging up as much change as I could. Stan noticed, quickly counting the coins in my palm.

“On second thought, we’re having a flash sale today only! $8!” He exclaimed proudly.

“What’s the catch?” I asked, my eyes narrowing. So far, Stanford Pines was far from the selfish conman I’d been warned about. The locals' stories painted a picture of a man very different from the one standing in front of me.

Stan’s grin widened. “The catch is that you have to come for a real tour of the Shack, free of charge! Whaddaya say?”

I thought about his offer. “Will I get to see the eight-legged cow you promised?”

Stan laughed, his grin widening. “Ah, the famous cow. Yeah, you’ll wanna catch that before it goes on tour. I’ll save you a spot! How’s about tomorrow at two?”

“Done! I’ll be looking forward to it, Mr. Mystery,” I said as my grin widened.

As I paid and headed toward the exit, I felt a strange pull in my chest. Maybe it was Stan’s charm, or maybe it was just this town, but suddenly, I didn’t feel the need to leave Gravity Falls so fast. Previous Chapter | Next Chapter