#literally sitting here crying and screaming for hours while mindlessly watching anything on youtube in between

[loderlied]

.

[angstyshippergremlin]

It’s Getting Bad Again

I think my mental health is taking a downturn again. Mostly because I keep staying up until three am, sleeping until noon, and I spend the day feeling disinterested in everything and anxious about things that aren’t really that big a deal. At the same time. In addition, I have things I want to do, but I just can’t do them. It’s like there’s a block and it hurts. I know it’s called executive dysfunction, but I know fuck all about dealing with it. I know going to sleep at a normal hour would definitely help, and this is going to sound really dumb, but I literally can’t. It’s like I just keep mindlessly watching YouTube videos and crying over Good Omens ships even while my brain screams at me to go to bed.

I just feel so burnt out on everything. Schoolwork? Okay, I’ll do it, but I’m half assing it and I know I’m half-assing it, but that’s literally all I have the energy to do. Just hearing my family members talk grates on my nerves and I find myself biting down on the urge to snarl at them to shut up and leave me alone. I don’t though, because it would lead to lots of shouting and Dad saying things that he means at the moment and won’t really remember saying later while Mom gets stuck trying to play mediator. And then I’d be stuck with one more memory of how I screwed up because I can’t handle whatever this is, and wondering if something said in anger is the truth. Writing is hard, and even listening to music or using my color by number app is painful. It just feels like I should be doing something, but I don’t know what. 

It’s days like these when just running off for a few weeks sounds like a good idea. But if I did, I’d no longer have a job, and I would be up shit creek without a paddle finances-wise. Work is killing me, because for some reason my tolerance for bullshit has all but disappeared, but I have no choice but to power through somehow. School is also killing me, even though I know it’s the way out of my current job. It’s just one more thing to deal with, albeit less excruciating than other parts of my life. Don’t get me started on my family. It’s something I don’t want to touch. Not right now. Maybe not ever. All I can say is that I’m seeing things that I haven’t noticed before, and I’m not sure how to deal with it. I don’t know if I can, considering how messed up my headspace is at the moment.

It’s so loud in here. The instinct to do something is almost causing physical pain, and here I am just screaming my thoughts into the void like that means anything. I’m sitting here trapped in my own head obsessing over something that happened weeks ago and flinching every time someone says my name. I should be doing laundry, but my body wants to sleep and my brain wants to just curl into a ball and cry for a year. I hate this. I know it’ll pass, but it still sucks right now. I don’t want to die or anything. I just want this feeling to stop. Losing awareness sounds good.

Anyway, guess I’d better just force myself to move. I don’t want to, but then, I don’t want to do anything. But, if I want to get through this, I just have to keep slogging onward.