#literally talked ab how hes like to Do It with certain men and blah blah blah.

[vanityloves]

idc how you label murdoc hes just not straight. pan, bi, queer, unlabeled. he likes whatever the hell and thats just how it is.

[surveysonfleek]

528.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 29

2701. What does 'equal' mean? that everyone’s deserving of the same rights. 2702. Do you believe in the phrase 'all men are created equal'? in theory yes, but not within our society. What about woman? unfortunately not. 2703. Have all persons been specifically 'created'? i guess? 2704. Are all persons exactly equal? i don’t think so. some are more skilled in certain areas than others etc.

2705. Or do they just have equal rights (in theory)? yes. 2706. Does art reflect society or does society reflect art? society reflects art more i think. 2707. Are you living under a little black raincloud or a ray of sunshine? neither. 2708. What do you wonder about? life. 2709. What is better..being single and free or being in love and responsible to another person? being in love and responsible. 2710. What vitamins do you take? none. 2711. In checkers..red or black? black. 2712. Is The Crow a great movie? i haven’t seen it. 2713. Do you wear all black frequently? not that often, but it’s happened. 2714. Do you ever call yourself a poet, artist, or musician? noooope. Has your writing been published, your art been hung in a gallery or your band been signed? my art has been hung before. Does it matter? not really. if i’m a creative my priority is just creating. it’s a bonus if it gets chosen to be displayed to the public. 2715. When insects get into your house, do you kill them or catch them and take them ouside or leave them alone and let them live with you? kill them. i don’t do insects dude. 2716. Name at least one person who's birthday is in: Jan.- yon Feb.- not sure Mar.- didier Apr.- ej, jerry, irene May- dwayne, dad June- mum July- bek Aug.- no one.. Sept- belle, meloy Oct- marie, cha Nov- dana, kristy, ahmad, sara, andrew, jason Dec- me, nat 2717. Which would you consider to be a worse criminal: a pedophile or a necrophile? pedophile. What if it was between a pedophile, a necrophile and a murderer? murderer. 2718. Do we start to die the day we are born or start to live the day we die? first one lol. 2719. Have you ever called your mom or dad a four letter word? sure, like the ‘best’. hahaha. 2720. Do you believe america should go to war with iraq? a bit of an old survey. 2721. Agree or disagree? (Bold is agree) “There is too much concern in courts for the rights of criminals.” “Abortion should be legal.” “The death penalty should be abolished.” “Marijuana should be legalized.” “It is important to have laws prohibiting homosexual relationships.” “The federal government should do more to control the sale of handguns.” “Racial discrimination is no longer a major problem in America.” “Wealthy people should pay a larger share of taxes than they do now.” “Colleges should prohibit racist/sexist speech on campus.” “Same-sex couples should have the right to legal marital status.” “Affirmative action in college admissions should be abolished.” “The activities of married women are best confined to the home and family.” “People should not obey laws which violate their personal values.” “Federal military spending should be increased.” “Realistically, an individual can do little to bring about changes in our society.”  Why did you agree or disagree to that last statement? i disagree because it really can only take one person to change things. 2722. Let's say that after you die you become a spirit and you join all the other spirits. Not all of them have lived. You are talking to some who have never lived about how you HAVE lived. One of the spirits who has never lived says they think they will travel to earth in a human body soon and live. They ask you what three things on Earth should I be sure not to miss? You say... 1. travel the world 2. fall in love 3. eat to your heart’s content. 2723. What kind of ass is the sexiest (flat, round, tight, hard, meaty, juicy, small, big, stacked, packed, petite, barely there, curvey, muscular, etc.)? i don’t really have a preference. if i see one i’ll know if i like it or not haha. 2724. Is there something beautiful and special about everyone? for the most part, yes. If yes is there something beautiful and special about Hitler? that’s why i said for the most part lol. How about Bin Laden? idk. What is it? apparently they found  bin laden’s laptop and saw that it had a ton of wallace and gromett videos on it looool. that’s pretty special. 2725. Have you ever moshed? hell no. If yes to what bands? If no then would you ever? i don’t think so. 2726. Do you like sushi? i love sushi. 2727. What mood are you in? pretty bored and tired. What does your mood depend on? if i’m working or not. What depends on your mood? work. 2728. wHAT IS faith? believing in someone/something. what is common sense? knowing the easiest way to do things. Do you have either or both of them? i think so. 2729. Is perfection or imperfection more beautiful? both if they’re separated.  2730. Would you think a person doing the following things has a healthy or unhealthy level of insanity? gives the finger while driving? depends what the other person did. tells their life story to people they just met? slight issues there. walks up to people and tried to convert them to a religion? unhealthy. says blah? depends how often. 2731. Do you think this is a great line of poetry: "Journey with me into the mind of a maniac. Doomed to be a killer since I came out the nutsac" Why or why not? lol it’s a bit of a mind fuck. 2732. Do you think that song lyrics are poems with music? sometimes. 2733. In cases of rape which do you think is more of a crime: a stranger rapes a girl OR a girl's boyfriend rapes her? both is just as bad. 2734. Did you know that in the USA it is considered to be LESS of a crime if a rapist knows the victim (because it is 'less of a crime' the rapist gets a less severe punishment)? Do you agree or disagree and why? i totally disagree. if the rapist knows the victim it puts the victim in a shitty position. if they’re someone with power and/or authority over them, the victim may find it harder to defend themselves from the rapist’s actions which can lead to emotional and psychological issues, like stockholm syndrome and shit. 2735. In the USA a few weeks ago a guy had beaten up and raped his girlfriend, for which he got 70 days of community service. He had been found guilty, got a year and a half of jail, BUT can you guess why his sentence was reduced to mere community service? . . . . . . . . He had a steady job. That's right. He was found less guilty, because he had a long-term steady job. How does this make you feel? that’s bullshit. i hope my country’s court of law isn’t that backwards. 2736. Does the character limit of notes or entries annoy you more? no. 2737. wHO'S YOUR FAVORITE WRESTLER? the rock. 2738. Have you ever been trapped in an elevator? no, thank god. 2739. What is more important, tact or honesty? it depends... in the workplace i’m all for tact. but for personal relationships, honesty. 2740. Do you have a mentor? Who? nope. 2741. If you like guys: would you rather have a 'bad' guy (motorcycles, smokes, drinks, etc) or a 'good' guy (family, domesticated, nice guy)? a good guy. Would you rather have a virgin or a more experienced guy? doesn’t matter. If you like girls: Would you rather have a virgin or a more experianced girl? would you rather have a 'bad' girl (motorcycles, smokes, drinks, etc) or a 'good' girl (family, domesticated, nice girl)? 2742. Do you feel nervous in crowds? sometimes, especially if i don’t have a clear path to walk through. 2743. Did you write a real entry today? no. What about? Was it your best writing? 2744. If you were making a 'best of' entry about your BEST entries ever what would be your top 5 best entries? lol. 2745. Do you like to play the lottery? i’ve played it once and lost. 2746. Guess what? what? 2747. Why did you choose to live one more day? i’m content with my life. 2748. What is the most beautiful myth you have ever read/heard? mermaids. 2749. Have you ever been stood up? nope. 2750. Finish the following sentences any way you want. It's always darkest before.. sunrise Never underestimate the power of.. money Don't bite the hand that.. feeds A miss is as good as a.. goal If you lie down with dogs, you.. bark Love all, trust.. no one The pen is mightier than.. a pencil An idle mind is.. free Where there is smoke, there's.. fire Happy is the bride who.. gets enough sleep Two is company, three's.. a crowd None are so blind as.. the meek You get out of something what you.. put in When the blind lead the blind.. idk Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and.. idk 2751. What's the most interesting assignment you ever had in school? making a diorama of the gold rush lol. it was fun. 2752. What's the most interesting thing you ever had to do for work? shuffle cards literally all day. 2753. Do you feel: insignificant? unable to evoke change? like one person can't change the world? like one life and one person's suffering doesn't mean very much? If you answered yes to any of those can you describe why in detail? omg cbf. 2754. Do you feel like you could contribute as much to society as ____ has? Albert Einstein: Abe Lincoln: Franz Kafka: Jesus Christ: 2755. Are you aware that your brain is the same size as Albert Einstein's brain? sure. Do you realize that you have the same number of hours in a day as Abraham Lincoln? sure.

Did you know that Franz Kafka wrote all of his amazing litterature during his lunchbreaks at work? Did you know that we are all made of matter and that you are made of the Same Thing that Jesus was made of? Do you still believe that you couldn't contribute as much to society as they did? If yes than WHY? 2756. Is your mind in the gutter? sometimes. 2757. What do you have to complain about? everythinggggg. 2758. Do you remember rock n' roll radio? nope. 2759. Is there such a thing as a food that you burn more calories from digesting than you actually absorb from it? no, i watched a video debunking the celery myth. 2760. Hey, if you've gotten this far than you and me go way back. We've been hanging out for a while now and I gotta know..do you like me? no, some of these questions are stupid. 2761. What are you doing, Dave? 2762. As far as love goes do you feel it is better to become complete before looking for someone or find someone who completes you? either is fine. it’s actually best not to look for love, and to just let it find you. 2763. What attracts you about the opposite sex (or same sex, or both sexes)? face. 2764. Do you need people or do you not need anyone? a bit of both. 2765. Is selfishness always bad? yeah, sometimes. Is selflessness always good? only if you’re bettering yourself as a person. 2766. Do you feel like your life is being controlled by a power structure? somewhat. 2767. Can you name three things in society that send the message that being completely yourself and that looking inside yourself and contemplating what's within is a good thing? no. 2768. Can you name three things in society that send the message that materialism and the accumulation of stuff is a good thing? no. 2769. What is more important, a picture or its frame? the picture. What is more important, spirituality or religion? spirituality. 2770. How many definitions can you come up with for the word 'fuck'? more than ten. 2771. Is it less offensive when a black person says Nigger than when a white person says it? yes, it’s less offensive. Why or why not? because black people have taken a derogatory word used against them back in the day and have made it into a ‘new’ meaning, which is totally fine for them to use but not for anyone else. 2772. Do you rationalize often? i guess. 2773. Do you believe that america is an imperialist nation? idk. 2774. Would you agree that: hot topic is the new abercrombie? pink is the new black: you are the new you? 2775. Do you have more internet or real life friends? real life friends. 2776. What IS the feeding of 5000? idk? 2777. What's an easy way to make money? working hard. 2778. What's your favorite slang word and what does it mean? lol idk. 2779. Are you uncomfortable? sometimes. 2780. Is anything definite besides death and taxes? life. 2781. Would you rather live fast and die young or live slow and die old? live slow die old lol. 2782. Can you name 4 people who have committed crimes against humanity? no, i ain’t no snitch. How do you think they live with themselves? idk. 2783. If you could imagine, pure fantasy, any God you could concieve, how would you want God to be? no thanks. 2784. do you think the smashing pumpkins have a strong christian theme? never really listened to them. 2785. Do you think this survey has a strong christian theme? more religious than anything. 2786. Fill in the blank for yourself" Give me ____ or give me death! life. 2787. Have you ever heard of the USA patriotism act? Apparently they have passed laws making torture legal. Also the FBI can sneak and peek into ANYONE'S home. They don't have to ask or even tell you they were there. This is already the law. So, whaddaya think? i’m glad i don’t live in the usa. 2788. The people in power step all over the average citizen, trying to secure all the power and money for themselves and leave us with no rights and under their control. They have the audacity to do this because they know that we will not lift a finger to stop them. Are they right? somewhat. 2789. The Free State Project is a plan in which 20,000 or more liberty-oriented people will move to a single state of the U.S. to secure there a free society. They will accomplish this by first reforming state law, opting out of federal mandates, and finally negotiating directly with the federal government for appropriate political autonomy. They want to be a community of freedom-loving individuals and families, and want to create a shining example of liberty for the rest of the nation and the world. What's your opinion? Could this work? Why or why not? tl:dr. 2790. Have you ever seen the Neverending Stroy? Remember when Bastian has to prove his worth by looking in that mirror where you see yourself the way you really are with no pretenses, rationalizations or mental lying? Could you stand yourself if you looked into that mirror? sure. 2791. What is soilent green? idk. 2792. What are you proud that you have never done? hard drugs. 2793. What things are hopeless? crackheads. 2794. What Are People For? idk. 2795. What book do you feel could change someone's life? idk, everyone has different tastes. 2796. Didja ever want to just walk up to the Bush administration and ask them, 'What the fuck?' no. 2797. How do you take your coffeee? two sugars and a dash of milk. 2798. Have you ever played: paintball? no. lazer tag? yes. which is better? laser tag, i’m never trying paintball lol. 2799. In what ways are you lucky? just everything i’ve had in my life so far. 2800. If Jesse Jackson wants reparations to be given to black people because he thinks that black people don't have equal opportunities in this country than why does he drive a Jaguar? idk dude.

[supermanonesie-blog]

the brain of a crazy bitch

First thought: Why do people share? Why write and then invite others online to read what you have to say? For me, it’s a matter of de-stigmatization. Bad stigma causes undue social shame. That’s unnecessary. I often forget what my mother told me a long time ago—one of the many valuable things she has taught me over my twenty-six years of existence (along with how to use a toilet, which has come in handy truly countless times, as you can imagine). She said, when you think you’re the only one in the world who feels the way you do, remember the billions of other people on the planet—and it’s SO unlikely you’re the only one. (I think we’re at about 7 billion right now.)

This idea was one of the few sentiments I heard as a child that defied the theme of “you are special and unique and there is nobody like you”. It also, now that I reflect upon it, aligns with a common trend in my thinking which is that of statistics of large numbers—another occupational side effect—although numbers in the billions are quite small compared to numbers that deal with atoms and molecules vibrating and whooshing around in the air and water and other phases. Damn, Avogadro. Your name sounds like avocado, and you really nailed it with 10^23. Two things that make you awesome. And for those of you who are like, ummmm excuse me, it’s actually 6.0222 blah blah blah? Fuck off, those decimal places are a joke.

As usual, I have digressed. Although, statistics of large numbers is quite on point—perhaps more so than you may know. The reason is this: I think that intellectually, we can understand that other people feel the same way we do about a given subject. However, because humans are cursed with the overwhelming phenomenon of emotion and the unfortunate skill of emotional analysis, when overwhelmed with a certain feeling, it is nearly impossible to remind ourselves that we are not broken or fucked up or so different or too much or too little or wrong in some way. It is SO hard to remember that you’re really fine to be whoever you are. If you fall somewhere within 5 or 6 sigma of the Gaussian average of humans, you (no matter how much you fight or deny this) care a great deal what people think and how far you fall from your conceptualization of what is “normal”. Now, depending on who you are, you may range from caring to what one person thinks of you to what 7x10^9 people think of you, but you fucking care. It will greatly calm your overall emotional existence to care MORE what you think of yourself, but I do think this is a common struggle.

Here, I ruminate on my experience with men in the lens of this theme. Unmistakably, this applies to a crazy number of women. Not 10^23, but a lot. As a woman (and you fuckers who are like, ugh gross, she’s going to go on a rant and she’s a man hater – shut up, I love men – A. LOT. and I don’t hate most of you, just the uninvited pussy grabbers and feeling-shamers). Okay, so as a woman who is 26, I have lived a lot of my pre-teen to adult life receiving direct and indirect messages from guys that they would like me more if I were different. I could reach perfection if I could just get rid of a fewwww things about me. And furthermore, that I am some level of unworthy of respect, appreciation, attention, time, whatever—because I care, am engaged, interested, emotional, aggressive, confident, insatiable, curious, intense, and my favorite: CRAZY. 

But if I lose my center and start focusing more on how he might think of me and less of what I think of him, then the only thing I am doing is playing games (potentially just with myself) to make me feel like I am desirable and in possession of the upper hand. This is one of the most challenging things to avoid in my personal life. This might be singularly the only challenging thing in my personal life. This leads me feeling shitty, alone, undesirable, WEIRD, CRAZY, STUPID….the list goes on. 

When did I become like this and why? How did I fuck up so much? 

It’s been like this since I was something like 12 years old at camp and my initial reaction to having a crush on this boy (a whole year old than me!!! Omigod) was the thought that there was no way he would like me because I was not as pretty as other girls. (Side note, total bullshit because I was adorable and way thinner than I thought I was, and objectively very cute.) From that point on, I garnered so much anxiety from feeling like I had to act like the “ideal girl” that I spent a stupid amount of time trying to look like it, talk like it, act like it, etc. 

This worrying was and is made a thousand times worse by the fact that 1) I have – as one of my best guy friends has put it—the eye of Sauron. Meaning, I notice and interpret the subtlest nuances of physical, facial, and inter-personal behavior roughly a million times better than the average human. (Comment on this: it in no way means that I respond in a smart way. In fact, it’s about 40/60 idiotic/smart. I’ve thought about this a great deal, and I’m convinced that it’s more amusing to do unpredictable things and see how the other person reacts. It’s fucking masochistic. And also endlessly interesting.) 

It (my worrying) is also worsened by the fact that 2) I have generalized anxiety. It wasn’t called anything until my therapist said it aloud about 4 years ago, but looking back on my life, it’s something that has influenced my behavior and choices in one way or another since I was about 12 years old. The first time she said it, I came in (like a wrecking ball, if you will or if you won’t – lol) with alllllllll sorts of judgement about what this meant, and how I felt like I had to pretend I didn’t have this, and how it meant I was different and messed up, blah blah blah. But basically, it’s what I’ve inherited genetically, I can’t change that it’s there, and it unfortunately means pretty much what it sounds like. I garner anxiety from generally everything, plus or minus some things depending on what my anxiety has me nervous about. It’s taken me through absolute rock-bottom hell, which I clawed my way out of with the unwavering love, patience, strength, and kindness of a dear friend (and two amazing doctors). After two straight years of what I would classify broadly as SHIT, I found something that worked for me in order to live my best life and as much as possible diminish this blanket anxiety. I don’t think I toot my own horn a lot, but god damn, that is something to be seriously proud of while getting a PhD. 

I bring this up because I think that over the years, my anxiety latched onto this phenomenon of being the ideal woman (in the eyes of men). The problem was that as I set my goal to summit this mountain, and gain the ultimate freedom from feeling not good enough and having to pretend I was someone different, I picked the wrong summit towards which to climb. I – rather unknowingly, I think – decided that if I was to be free from this, I would be SO amazing in the eyes of men that I would be desirable to them all, and not be under their control. THIS – THIS IS INSANE. For so many reasons. This also DROVE ME INSANE, because, DUH, “men” are not identical humans with identical tastes and identical values. This makes this mountain, well, insurmountable, sets up a totally unhealthy power dynamic, and fuels anxiety. It’s a fucking positive feedback loop sort of nightmare. 

But why is it so hard to kick this habit? One, because when you do something for a decade, it’s always a practice to change. And I fuck up. A LOT. I am stupidly good at chasing boys off. And it makes me kick myself in the head, because then it becomes totally unclear if they are assholes, idiots, whatever, or they are totally thrown by my erratic fluctuations between when I decide to play the game (so tempting) and when I decide to be totally open and when I decide they’re a jerk (the fallback).

It’s also hard to kick this habit because it’s become all-too common social standard for women to be classified as “too much”, “too talkative”, “too into talking about feelings”, and on and on. I would like to say that women and men are wired differently. Of COURSE women talk. We are wired to be good at emotional communication. We also have higher body fat content that is not so easy to decrease. AND NO, CHILDREN, it’s not just in our tits and asses. Women’s magazines somehow are all about instructing us to get the Brazilian Booty, Kaley Cuoco’s abs, Give Him the Sex He Dreams Of (thanks Cosmo, you actually say the weirdest shit), what to eat to be skinny, how to be happy having three almonds every four hours because you’re too fat, spend time deciding Who Wore It Best, shame Kim Kardashian because OMG she has cellulite on her enormous ass (honestly, how is she supposed to tone that whole thing? It’s the size of a planet), shame women and not men for making sex tapes, tell women that they’re only pretty if they look young, make sure that we don’t have pubic hair even though we grow it... the list is so long. It is insane. And it is 90% about how to be more appealing to guys, even many things under the guise of “how to be your best self”. But tbh, magazines, part of being MY best self involves not torturing myself and wasting my time reading your bullshit. 

So, that’s why it’s hard to get rid of the anxiety. Even for women who are lucky enough not to be generally anxious.

I’ve been lucky enough to have many romantic relationships. Roughly 40% of these guys have in large part not been good to me, and I’ve stuck around, trying to be the person they wanted. Luckily, I am not longer in one of these. Actually, I’m not in any romantic relationship. They make me fucking nervous because I’m convinced I’m going to ruin it or they’re going to bail. 

I don’t regret the unhealthy relationships because – as with all things, the bad doesn’t make the good any less good, and I always absolutely adore the times where the physical or emotional connection was so insane, I literally felt like I was on drugs.

I also am so grateful that I have had relationships spanning 3 years and then 2-ish with men who adored me and respected me and made me feel safe. They loved and love that I am fucking nuts and spontaneous and say and wonder about deep things and stupid things and immerse myself earnestly and unselfconsciously (when it happens) in all curiosities and the fun of life and being an animal (some feline variety, duh). They also, through their confidence in themselves, have the ability to appreciate that people are imperfect, and that was unavoidably contagious.  

It’s almost two years of being single – the longest I have ever been single since the start of my dating life at 15 (wuuuuut??). I sometimes feel old habits emerge, and the judgment that stems from that perturbs my hard-won confidence into an oscillating unstable disaster.  

I know I can’t explain all of this to someone I like who I’ve just met because, well, it’s baggage, as all people have, and you can’t just bring your whole big bag of shit and dump it on someone as they’re just establishing that you’re potentially pretty cool and they really want to stick it in your ear (Yeah, I said ear.). But oops, I just did it again, Britney Fucking Spears style. And the guys who spaz, the hypocrites who are allowed to do their version of crazy while I swallow it and stick around? They should probably grow a little. I don’t even want to say “grow up”, because this isn’t something that necessarily comes with age. It just comes with life and realizing that the low-hanging fruit isn’t all that stimulating-- it’s actually pretty boring. And sometimes you gotta take some weirdness to get the juiciest peach higher up on the tree. 

So, it’s fun to fall down the rabbit hole. I want to have a bunch of moments where I feel like I can be free and open, and meet people who are interesting, open, anddddd can throw down and retain their confidence and not get swayed by some minor aspects of you because well, you’re a human, and you have a history, and you’re imperfect. But with that will inevitably come many men who peace after I drop a bag of my anxiety on their toes by accident. It feels sucky, but saying “that was a sucky thing” instead of “I must suck” took a long time, and I wish I had learned to do that earlier in my life. 

You don’t have to be perfect; you don’t have to meet his expectations. You need to meet yours. And if you’re a fun kind of crazy, go be your fucking fun brand of crazy, because that’s why you love yourself after all.