#lopez is funnier than anyone here

[deathstroke-the-himbonator]

What your RvB OTP says about you

((I saw a similar list, but it didn't include a lot of my favorite ships and also I thought this would be fun. Sorry if any of this offends anyone: it’s all in good fun and just some observations I’ve noticed over the years about certain shippers. Let me know if I missed any other big ones!))

FUCK I FORGOT SISTER AND DR GREY

Tuckington: Chorus crew is best crew. Wash and Tucker are your all-time favorites and you're so proud of how far Tucker has come. You probably hate/love Felix, there is no in-between.

Mainewash: You like to suffer; you have an addiction to fics that involve one of these two dying. You live for the Meta and Antagonist!Wash team-up. You probably ship Doc with them if you’re into polyam. Cat person.

Yorkalina: You adore York to the moon and back, and are honestly a sucker for “goofy person meets strict person and teaches them to have fun” pairings. You have a replica of York’s lighter that you’ve never used.

Grimmons: You deserve a Fandom Grandma/Grandpa mug, buddy. You’re so tired, and you’ve probably been here since at least season 6. One day it’ll be canon, you just know it. In the meantime, you’re suffering.

Churboose: My mom ships this so here we are. Caboose is the most perfect of good bois and you’re only watching rvb for him at this point. You’ve cried over Church every day of your life. You named a pet Freckles, probably.

Washlina: You are the most chill/sweet person in the entire goddamn fandom. Seriously, you’re so nice. You don’t care either way if it ends up canon, but the latest content is still very satisfying. You’re so kind, I love you.

Sargington: You’re having the time of your life and I’m so happy for you. Sarge is probably your favorite character, but Wash is a close second. You’re chill about other ships but this is the guilty fav; don’t feel guilty, you’re amazing.

Docnut: Precious cinnamon roll who is too good for this world, too pure. Doc when he’s doing the O’Malley voice is way too hot for you. You probably have written/daydreamed about these two having a farm together.

Pastrytrain: Congratulations for being a good person. The pinnacle of “I’m staying in my fucking lane” when it comes to fandom drama. I know you downloaded the Pastrytrain dating sim, don’t try to deny it.

Kimbalina: Never mind, you guys are the actual diehards for the Chorus trilogy. Carolina is your queen and she deserves the love that Kimball can bring into her life. That hand-holding scene is now your desktop background. Probably wlw.

Tucknut: Trans with an amazing sense of humor. You swear a lot and make more dirty jokes than you should, but people love that about you. Donut is your favorite but Tucker is funnier.

Churnut: Donut is your favorite. You hate that Church is dead and pray every single day that he’ll come back somehow. The Donut arc this season had you fucking THRIVING and I’m so happy for you.

Norkington: You’re either gay or trans or both, and that’s the tea. You’re still obsessed with the PFL seasons, despite how long it’s been. Your favorite version of Wash is the PFL rookie version.

Nork: Yeah, you’re gay, sis.

Flowarge: Where are y’all??? I know I’m not the only one. You want a sitcom of rvb that’s just Parks and Recreation but with power armor. Sarge is best dad and Flowers is your other, more dead dad.

Flyoming: You literally don’t need any canon evidence to ship something; if they breathe they’re in love. Florida is your fav, and tbh Wyoming isn’t even in the top ten, but you’re too into older men to care. Daddy issues.

WashCT: People claim you’re boring but tbh you have really good taste, everyone else just isn’t interested. Knives are one of your favorite things but odds are you don’t know how to throw them. You really miss CT.

SouthCT: The wlw energy is literally so powerful in your bones, congratulations. Team #SouthDidNothingWrong, as well as Team #CTDeservedBetter; you are correct on both accounts. South is best girl.

Southlina: Not sure where y’all are at, but you’re all about that powerful lesbian energy. You probably hate York; if not I’m sorry for saying that. On that note you probably hate the PFL seasons but you’re too desperate for content to complain.

Fucker: You little shit. You are 100% involved in fandom drama but you’re thriving regardless; it’s impossible for you to be affected by everyone telling you that you’re problematic. Tucker is your favorite, but Felix is hot af.

Locington: You say “Unfortunate” way too often but I love you nonetheless. You spent the entire hiatus between seasons 11 and 12 writing porn, and you damn well know. Hell, you’re probably proud of it. Locus is your fav.

Murdersandwich: Are you still here??? If you are, you’re braver than any us marine. Modern AUs where these three get together are your bread and butter. Tuckington is your second favorite ship.

Murdersandwich+Sharkface: You unapologetic, horny motherfucker. You’re living your best life while simultaneously sobbing into your pillow every night over Felix and Sharkface. Locington is your default fav, but this ship still rocks.

Lolix: Fandom veterans from the “Felix is problematic” wars and I salute you for your service. Here to have a good time, and ain’t nobody gonna stop you. You’ve probably written/thought about a “Felix lives” AU at extreme length.

Sharklina: Season 13 was so good in your opinion and you refuse to ever shut up about it. #SharkfaceDeservedBetter. You’re probably into punk aesthetics and you’ve made at least one playlist for these two.

Chex: #ChurchGetsPegged. Tex is your diehard fav and you will never in your life let RT forget that she exists. You’ll drag her out of her grave yourself if you fucking have to. You memorized Church’s speech from the end of rvb5.

Chucker: You cry each and every day about Church being dead. You’ve rewatched the BGC no less than twelve times, and that’s just this year. Everytime you see That Post, you reblog it. You know the one.

Sheipez: If Sheila were real you’d ask her to adopt you. Lopez is your current fav by default and you live for every moment he’s on screen. Caboose is your precious son and you’re willing to die for him.

Sex: You ship this purely because of the ship name. STFU, yes you fucking do. Tex is hot af and you love that one fancomic of sister without a bra on flirting with Tex.

Sucker: Despite popular opinion, you're not as horny as everyone thinks you are. Sister is your favorite and Tucker isn't even close but you love him regardless and think he fits well with Sister.

Suckington: I know you bastards are still here. Wash is your favorite but you love him being surrounded by these energetic shitheads who fill his life with energy and fun. Sister is best girl.

Greyington: I know for a fucking fact that this was a thing. Fucking sadist when it comes to your brand of porn, and Dr. Grey is your favorite character to ever exist.

Kimbones: You knew fuck all about Ladybones but you shipped her with Kimball anyways because you're a thirsty wlw. You've probably moved onto Kimbalina by now, but we will not forget the season 11-12 horniness you unleashed on this fandom.

[bthenoise]

ICYMI: Here Are 12 Newsworthy Items You May Have Missed Over The Holidays

Hello everybody and happy new year! While getting back into the swing of things here at the office (aka our house), we noticed a handful of exciting things have been announced while we were off the grid safely celebrating the holidays.

So, instead of pumping out article after article for you to comb through and catch up on, we thought we’d compile all the things you may have missed into one, easy-to-read post.

Let us begin:

GOOD CHARLOTTE DEBUT SOMBER NEW SINGLE “LAST DECEMBER”

For the first time since 2018′s sensational LP Generation Rx, Good Charlotte has returned with brand new music. 

Written as a way to cope with the hard times as of late, guitarist Benji Madden says of the gloomy new single “Last December”: 

“2020 being the 20th anniversary of our self-titled debut album really made us feel like we wanted to release something for those fans who’ve gone on this journey with us. The holidays can be a rough time of year - thinking of the ones we’ve lost and longing for moments that have passed us by is definitely a part of the joy and melancholy. For us, this song speaks to both sides of those holiday feelings and we hope it brings some solace to anyone who needs it.”

To check out the new track, see the video below.

AFI DETAIL PLANS FOR BRAND NEW ALBUM 

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A post shared by AFI (@afireinside)

Great news AFI fans! Looking to follow up 2018′s five-track EP The Missing Man, Davey Havok and Co. have shared news regarding when you might hear some new music.  

Taking to their socials, the band collectively shared: “With the end of a year that has been, at best, challenging for all, we have news that we hope may bring you some joy. Very soon, new songs shall be yours. Before the year’s end, our 11th album will follow. We could not be more happy with our latest work and hope you will feel the same. Thank you for joining us upon this next journey. We are thrilled to take it and honored to have you at our side.”

Anyone else excited for a new AFI album!?

††† (CROSSES) SURPRISE RELEASE CHILLING NEW COVER 

As if a brand new Deftones album and 20th anniversary version of White Pony wasn’t enough, Chino Moreno concluded his 2020 with a brand new release from his thought-to-be-dormant project ††† (Crosses).

The song, which is a cover of Cause & Effect’s 1990 track “The Beginning Of The End,” is Moreno and guitarist Shaun Lopez’s first offering since their 2014 self-titled record.

To check out the track, see below.  

FOO FIGHTERS DEBUT SECOND NEW SINGLE “NO SON OF MINE”

Continuing their promotional push for their forthcoming tenth studio album Medicine At Midnight, Foo Fighters have released their second new single. 

Titled “No Son Of Mine” (and no, not an Every Time I Die cover), the latest from the hard rock staples leans much more on the louder side than their previous single “Shame Shame.”

To check out the new tune, see below.

FLESHGOD APOCALYPSE GO “BLUE” FOR NEW EIFEL 65 COVER

It’s not everyday you hear an Italian symphonic death metal band cover an Italian techno group but here we are.

Ending their 2020 on a colorful note, noisemakers Fleshgod Apocalypse released a stirring rendition of the 1998 hit “Blue (Da Ba Dee)” -- yes, you read that correctly.   

Commenting on the mind-bending cover, frontman Francesco Paoli said, “After the amazing response over our latest single ‘No’ we wanted to release something that could make the end of this shitty 2020 a bit funnier for everyone. That’s why we took a popular dance track from the 90s and made it the heaviest, angriest, bloodiest party song ever.” 

“We’re ready to blast your ears again in 2021,” Paoli noted, “stay tuned!”

To hear the cover, see below.

AS IT IS DRUMMER AND FUTURE FIREMAN PATRICK FOLEY DEPARTS FROM THE BAND

Bummer news As It Is fans: Founding drummer Patrick Foley has decided to step away from the band to take on a new heroic role as a firefighter. 

The band took to their socials to share: “Our brother and friend Foley has decided to step back from As It Is, to pursue a brand new career as a fire fighter. We could not be more proud of him (and are keeping him on speed dial for when we next use pyro in a live show). All love, Patty, Ali, Ronnie x”

See the band’s emotional farewell video below. 

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A post shared by As It Is (@asitisofficial)

CANE HILL DEBUT DEVASTATING NEW SINGLE “KILL ME”

2021 is shaping up to be a busy year for Cane Hill. Continuing to churn out head-pounding singles, the New Orleans act recently released their blistering new track “Kill Me.”  

Vocalist Elijah Witt commented on the song saying: "I think if this year [2020] has taught me anything, it's that this dreadful voice of negativity in my head is loudest when my life is quiet. Just like everyone else, my mental health has taken a steep decline this year, and giving life to that horrific voice was the easiest way for me to try and combat it. ‘Kill Me’ is what I feel in the parts of me I can ignore when life is normal.” Witt adds, “‘Kill Me’ adds another chapter to ‘Krewe De La Mort’ that continues to bring Louisiana folklore to life. Building upon the visual intensity we established with ‘P.O.T.H.,’ we worked closely with Dreamseeker Productions in further exploring elements of witchcraft and the occult while staying true to these Cajun tales.”

To check out the new song and striking visual, see below.

ENTER SHIKARI SHARE BIZARRE NEW VIDEO FOR “T.I.N.A”

If you’ve ever wondered what Enter Shikari would look like as walking, talking (and dancing) human hands, you’re in luck. 

The band, in support of their latest LP Nothing Is True & Everything Is Possible, have released a truly stunning clip for their track “T.I.N.A.”

To watch the video directed by Matthew Taylor, see below.  

CROWN THE EMPIRE RELEASE INTERACTIVE MUSIC VIDEO FOR “RED PILLS”

Will you take the red pill or the blue pill? This is the question you must ask yourself in Crown The Empire’s new interactive music video directed by Sam Shapiro. 

Set to their track aptly titled “Red Pills” off their 2019 release Sudden Sky, the band’s new clip leaves things in the viewers hands for once.   

Elaborating on the video, the band shared, “We created an interactive experience where you, the viewer, will be taken down a wormhole to decide your own ending. Choose your destiny wisely...”

Check out the video below.

MAYDAY PARADE DEBUT STRIPPED-DOWN VERSION OF “I’M WITH YOU”

Leave it to Mayday Parade to release something sad around the holidays. 

In collaboration with Decatur City Church in Decatur, Georgia, vocalist Derek Sanders and drummer Jake Bundrick have shared a new stripped-down version of their song “I’m With You.”

To check out the gloomy piano-led version, be sure to see below.

DARKO (EMMURE, CHELSEA GRIN) UNVEIL CHAOTIC NEW VIDEO FOR “PALE TONGUE”

While listeners patiently await the debut full-length release from Emmure drummer Josh Miller and Chelsea Grin vocalist Tom Barber, aka Darko, the duo have released a wild new music video.  

Set to their blistering track “Pale Tongue,” the band’s new clip provides insane visuals that will leave you feeling like you hallucinated it.

To check out the video, see below.  

WATCH ASKING ALEXANDRIA’S DANNY WARSNOP STAR IN NEW METALCORE COVER OF “YOU’RE A MEAN ONE, MR. GRINCH”

Who would have known a Dr. Seuss classic would go so well in the stylings of metalcore? 

Showing that the classic Christmas thief himself Mr. Grinch knows a thing or two about mosh pits and breakdowns, YouTuber/musician Jared Dines has teamed up with Asking Alexandria’s Danny Worsnop for a hard-hitting cover of “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch.”   

To check out the rippin’ rendition and accompanying music video, see below. 

[vonlipvig]

RvB x CXGF (Part 1?)

If there’s one thing I love is mixing my own interests, and what’s funnier than imagining all the RvB characters singing some of the ridiculously awesome songs from Craxy Ex Girlfriend?

So here’s a list, mostly for my own amusement, but I’ll try and link the songs in a reblog if anyone wants to listen to them (not in the main posts cause y’all know how Tumblr likes to Not Work Properly...)

1) Everyone @ Grif and Simmons with “The Group Mind Has Decided You’re In Love”: Ok, this one was the first one I listened to today, and I couldn’t stop imagining Donut, Sarge and the rest trying to get Grif and Simmons to admit their love (Like, y’know, all of us, tbh). Donut can be Maya, Sarge can be Tim, and I’m laughing so much at Jax being AJ (so Grif can just goes “Sorry, what’s your name, again?). 

2) Church with “I Hate Everything But You”: Tell me that isn’t the Churchiest song title ever. It’s basically Church listing all the things that piss him off, except, of course, Tex (although let’s be honest, they do piss each other off and they love it).

3) Felix and Locus with “Horny Angry Tango”: “I’m clearly not over you yet” | “I’m clearly not over you, either” | “Our love has transformed into hate” | “Damn! Sex right now would sure be great”. C’mon, that’s just Lolix in a nutshell. And who doesnt want to see them tango? I sure do.

4) Donut @ Locus with “Strip Away My Conscience”: Going off of the last one, this is honestly just because you KNOW Donut would absolutely sing the lyrics “let me choke on your cocksuredness”.

5) York and North with “Fit Hot Guys Have Problems Too”: This one is just too stupid and I can’t stop laughing about it. Imagine them going “Leave us alone, we have to twerk out our sad!” IT’S SO STUPID, I LOVE IT. You can add Wyoming too for Josh’s part because that’s doubly dumb and it kills me.

6) Sarge with “Face Your Fears”: This is 100% a Sarge Motivational Speech, complete with telling the Reds to tell bears they’re not afarid of them, or to jump out of windows and buildings (of course, with the increasingly concerned Reds standing around. And maybe Lopez as the chorus of children).

7) Caboose @ Church with “You’re My Best Friend (And I Know I’m Not Yours)”: THIS IS SO MEAN BUT C’MON. The sweet voice and lyrics, the cutesy ukelele, oh my heart is breaking now, but it’s so cute.

8) Carolina @ the Director with “Maybe (S)he’s Not Such A Heinous Bitch After All”: Ok, in canon Rebecca sings this about her mom, but Carolina singing it about her dad makes me hurt from laughing. He is a bit of a heinous bitch, girl, sorry.

9) Tucker, Simmons, Grif and Caboose with “Slow Motion”: The Chorus Captains strutting down the avenue and being absolutely ridiculous in the process. Also funny is imagining the reprise of this song, with Caboose somehow being a badass at poker, and the others cheering him on.

10) Grif @ Locus with “Back In Action”: This one is another dumbass one, but I can’t stop laughing at the thought of Grif being all hyped for his and Locus’ rescue mission and singing their own buddy cop theme song. Locus would rather die, but oh well.

[evenstevensranked]

#22: Season 3, Episode 17 - “Snow Job”

In order to get out of an Algebra midterm, Louis fakes a snow day outside of Principal Wexler's house and gets himself suspended from school. Meanwhile, Ren has one week to master Pole Vaulting after accidentally injuring LJH’s best athlete. Phyllis Diller guest stars!

This one opens with the gang in Mr. Lopez’s algebra class. We’ve never seen or heard of Mr. Lopez before, but he seems pretty cool imo. Like one of those teachers who genuinely cares about his students. I really like his character. This first scene is a montage of Twitty, Tawny and Louis up at the board. Twitty and Tawny are solving their equations at the speed of light, whereas Louis is constantly getting tripped up. I’m already relating to Louis so bad. When it’s time for them to share their answers, Twitty and Tawny seem like Einstein’s spawn in comparison to Louis, who drew a map of Utah:

Louis attempts to explain how he worked out the equation, but obviously.. he has no idea. He glances at the clock and sees there’s only, like.. 30 seconds until the bell rings. So he stalls in the most glorious way possible: “I got 2x + 7x to the 5th times Y........ to which I say.... why not? Why do fools fall in love? These are all very big questions.” I love this quote so much. Of course, the bell rings and he successfully dodges answering. 

Mr. Lopez knows that Louis is struggling and really wants him to ask for help on his own. He subtly extends that invitation by asking if anyone has any questions because “the only stupid questions are the ones you ask yourself on the bus ride home” -- Which is incredibly true and another quote I really like. Louis seems as if he’s genuinely gonna ask a question but then says “...If a chicken had lips, could it whistle? I’ll ask myself on the bus ride home.” -- It’s funny, but also really really upsetting. Mr. Lopez is super disappointed and so am I. There’s also this girl in the classroom who really hates Louis or something. She dramatically shakes her head all annoyed and complains to the kid behind her whenever Louis says anything. It’s actually a little distracting, lol. Keep an eye out for her next time you watch this episode.

The disappointment is palpable. 

Then it cuts to the subplot where Ren is interviewing some of LJH’s athletes for the Wombat Report. Including some girl Olga who’s “the best 9th grade pole vaulter in Sacramento” -- Which confirms that Lawrence Jr. High goes up to 9th grade!! I think that’s the only time in the entire series they actually say the words “ninth grade”! Ren also calls the upcoming competition they’re preparing for “the big meet.” I’m sure Louis would object to this. 

Ren interviews the fantastic Artie Ryan, who makes an appearance as a shot putter lol. He’s apathetic and deadpan as usual (”Buzz off, I’m training.”) which is great. Ren gets the bright idea to try heaving the ball herself... and breaks Olga’s foot. Ouch. Phyllis Diller makes her brilliant cameo as Coach Corns here! Something that always annoyed me is that IMDb lists the character’s last name as “Korns” but the inscription on her jacket is “Corns” lol. I’m assuming the jacket is the legit spelling. I also saw on Twitter a while ago that Phyllis’ cameo happened because Jim Wise was absent and working at MADTV at the time. Anyway, Ren decides to fill in for Olga at the competition even though she has no idea how to pole vault. Coach Corns is skeptical but says “if you’re anything like your brother Donnie, maybe you can learn by Friday!” Donnie is seriously the be-all end-all in the Even Stevens-verse. 

We get few scattered scenes throughout the episode of Ren practicing pole vaulting over and over again, failing at making it over the bar every time. Including one where “Coach Corns” demonstrates how it’s done, which is hilarious and obviously a stunt double of course. 

Much like last week’s episode, they put zero effort into trying to avoid showing the face of the stunt double lol. It honestly makes it funnier. 

After countless failed attempts, Artie walks over and says “You know that you’re supposed to go over the bar, right?” And Ren bites back sarcastically “Really, Artie?! Thanks for that helpful hint.” I can’t help but laugh every time. Ren insists she’ll be ready for competition and Artie mumbles to himself “Yeah, and I’ll be the king of Norway.” It’s so good. 

Louis’ plot continues with this scene, which I love:

It’s not included in this set, but in between the second and third photos Twitty says “And like, she was not a very good babysitter...” LOL. Yeah, I doubt she’d have stellar reviews on Care.com today. 

Twitty and Tawny go on to talk about how Mr. Lopez’s class is so fun and he makes learning algebra so easy and they’re totally gonna ace the midterm!! YAY! ....You just know Louis is feeling like an outsider right about now. Tawny tries to set up a study session, but Louis bails to work incredibly hard on a way to not take the test. We’ve been over this before. If Louis spent a fraction of the amount of time and effort he spends on avoiding schoolwork, he would be an honors student. It’s ridiculous because half of the inventions he comes up with must involve some serious math skills! He’s putting in the work where it doesn’t count lol. And he really goes to extremes this time. He gets Beans to help him with this super elaborate prank to fake a snow day... in Sacramento California... outside of Principal Wexler’s house. He even did that thing where you can override a vacant radio station and recited a whole fake news story on the historic “blizzard.” The craziest part about this, is that he was 99% successful! Wexler totally bought that the storm was legit. And I don’t blame him:

Imagine not wanting to take a midterm that bad. 

There’s some great miscommunication here when Wexler calls LJH to cancel school. The secretary is all “may I ask why?” lol. Seriously. Gotta love miscommunication. Louis almost sorta gets away with everything, until Ren jogs by the house and starts yelling at him and Wexler hears it through the radio. I never used to understand why Ren was out jogging though? It always felt like a biiiit of a forced plot device to me. I used to think “She’d already be at school or at home getting ready!” ...but today, I just realized -- she’s preparing for pole vaulting. Oh my god. I’m such an idiot. It’s funny because I thought I was catching onto some bad writing.. but no. Even Stevens is actually that good. 

This “snow scam” leads to Principal Wexler suspending Louis from school. I love how it’s only a one week suspension, yet Wexler acts like Louis is leaving forever and has his locker cleaned out as if it’s a gateway to The Upside Down: 

Eileen takes off work to homeschool Louis for the week, which is really nice to see. We get a montage of them covering just about every subject and Louis is breezing through the day with flying colors! They even did Theater, where Louis played both Romeo and Juliet. The one-man show costume is a sight to behold:

“It’s very constraining and I’d like to change now.”

Everything’s going well until Eileen drops the bomb “Okay! We’ve covered everything but Algebra!” and the dramatic, dark orchestra kicks in. Louis tries to get out it, but Eileen’s not letting him off the hook. She writes out an equation on the board and leaves him alone for awhile to complete it. When she returns, he’s asleep:

I RELATE TO THIS MORE THAN YOU’LL EVER KNOW. Louis is literally falling asleep during homework to avoid doing it. I did this so many times throughout my academic career and I doubt I’m the only one. It was always with math, too! It was so overwhelming for my little brain... I’d just drift off to sleep and think “Well, if I fall asleep... that’s an excuse for not finishing it!” lol. And I bet you anything that was Louis’ thought process as well. Eileen gives Louis an ultimatum (finish his homework or be grounded for the weekend) to motivate him to finish the equation, so he attempts to do it and pretty much pulls an answer out of his butt. I did this all the time. You sort of convince yourself that you got it right, even though deep down you know it’s totally wrong. “You got it, baby!!” Louis compliments himself. And right about then, Ren enters the room and verbalizes what Louis most likely already knows: “You got it totally wrong, Louis.” This leads to a really nice brother/sister moment. 

Ren wants to know why he put so much effort into skipping one day of school, and he confesses that it’s because he doesn’t understand Algebra. “I’ll try to understand it, but I can’t. I’m the only kid in the class who doesn’t know what’s going on.” I’ve said those exact sentences a million times growing up. This whole scene is honestly so heart-wrenching imo. It further develops Louis’ character and adds to his endearingness. (Don’t even know if that’s a word, but I’m using it.) Ren can’t understand why he doesn’t just go to Mr. Lopez for help. “What’s the worst that could happen?” she asks, and Louis imagines a life of ridicule: 

This is too real. You really do feel like you’ll be a total idiot if you ask for help during class. Even though the chances of your teacher and principal publicly mocking you are zero... you still feel like everyone will be secretly judging you. 

I just can’t stress enough how much I relate to Louis here. His attitude towards struggling with academics is exactly how I felt. Like, no matter how hard you try... You're still the dumbest kid in class. He snaps out of his daydream and tells her “No, I can’t do it. People are gonna think I’m stupid.” And Ren says “Stupid? You may do some really stupid things sometimes but that doesn’t mean that YOU are stupid.” THIS IS SO FREAKING NICE I WANNA CRY LOL. She then empathizes with him by sharing her struggle with pole vaulting. It’s sweet. 

When Louis returns to school, he’s determined to pay extra attention in Algebra class and really focus. But the second Mr. Lopez starts explaining, all Louis can hear is “blah, blah, blah... blah, blah..... blah, blah, blah.................. blah.” It’s hilarious because it’s TRUE. Mr. Lopez opens up the floor for any questions, and I swear to god. I get so emotional every time here. Louis raises his hand and takes a few seconds to muster up the confidence to say “I don’t understand.” .....*sheds a single tear.* Mr. Lopez says to catch up with him after school and Louis is so proud of himself for asking. Ahhhhhh!

Look at dat content face. Awww. Shia’s so great. 

After school, Mr. Lopez explains that there’s usually a gap in the knowledge somewhere when it comes to struggling with Math. This is very accurate. I’ve learned that missing just one little building block of information (with anything in life) can mess you up entirely. So we get a montage of them working for what seems like hours on the basics (1 + 1 = 2) all the way through to Algebra and Louis does soooo well. It’s one of the sweetest, most self-reflecting moments in the series. Louis takes a look at all of the equations he successfully completed and mutters “Good job, Buddy” to himself and I just wanna weep. On top of that.. Mr. Lopez is super nice, calling Louis a genius and such. I just love it. It’s kinda funny how they tried to make the scene look all trippy like the equations were floating all around him just by writing on glass with a marker though, haha: 

I also have to gif this because it reminds me of the confused math lady meme:

Seriously, can we make “Shia LaBeouf doing Algebra” a thing? Even Stevens is ripe with memes that never see the light of day. 

Meanwhile, Ren is at the pole vaulting competition and, well... failing miserably. Just then Louis, Eileen and Steve show up and start running next to her during her very last try. Louis is gushing about being able to do Algebra and Eileen and Steve are just cheering her on haha. Louis shouts the advice “You might wanna put the stick thingy in the ground, Ren!” and then she miraculously makes it over the bar. I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THIS??? Um, where else could she have been putting it this whole time? And it’s not like that alone would help her get over the bar. 

Clearly, the pole is meant to go in the metal space (”ground”)! You’re telling me she’s been practicing for a week and never put it there?!?! Come on. 

Anyway, everyone celebrates and it’s a happy moment. Coach Corns also snatches her own wig and Louis puts it on: 

Even Stevens was seriously ahead of the meme trend. Wigs were flyin’ on Disney Channel in 2002. 

The episode ends with one of the greatest “last minute” bits ever. Ren made it over the bar... So, Artie Ryan becomes the king of Norway:

“I AM THE KING!” -- This show’s humor is unparalleled. 

And that’s it! This is just an awesome episode. Obviously, I love this Louis plot. It’s seriously so great and one of the most relatable topics ever. (Well, for me at least.) Like I said, I feel like this episode is a really great one for Louis Stevens and his character development. Ren’s plot is pretty similar actually. Both plots work together in a “conceive it, achieve it” sort of way. I just really love it. Mr. Lopez is cool. Phyllis Diller is great. Artie Ryan is the best. It’s just good all around ok. This is definitely one of my personal favorites, but I objectively feel like there are some stronger episodes. So, #22 is where it sits. 

Thanks for reading!

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[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior for January 10, 2020 – 1917, Like A Boss, Just Mercy, Underwater

Well, it looks like we’re back to the usual business now that it’s 2020 with the first weekend with four wide releases – two new movies and two expanding after opening in limited release over Christmas. I’m running a little behind on this so I’ll work on finishing a few reviews before Friday but for now, you can just get a general idea of what’s coming out so you can make some moviegoing plans.

The big movie that I’m most excited for people to see is Sam Mendes’ WWI epic 1917 (Universal), starring George MacKay and Dean-Charles Chapman as two soldiers sent on an urgent but dangerous mission to the frontlines to prevent an invasion that could leave thousands of British soldiers dead. It’s one of the most exciting movies I saw last year, which is why it ended up on my Top 25 at #2. I already reviewed the movie for ComingSoon.net and did some interviews for VitalThrills.com, so I probably don’t have a ton more to say about it, but it is the one movie I can recommend whole-heartedly this weekend. It is easily one of the best movies I saw last year (twice!)

This weekend also brings the high-concept R-rated comedy LIKE A BOSS (Paramount), which pairs Rose Byrne with Tiffany Haddish and Salma Hayek, three very funny women and great actors in a movie directed by Miguel Arteta (The Good Girl). Essentially, Byrne and Haddish play long-time besties who have been building a small grassroots make-up company and then Hayek comes along as a huge corporate mogul who wants to buy them out who makes a deal that will allow her to get a larger percentage if the two friends break up. You can probably guess the rest. (My review will be posted later tonight since it’s under embargo.)

Mini-Review: It was almost immediately apparent as Like a Boss began that this movie wasn’t going to be for me. It wasn’t the premise or the characters as much as it was the fact that it expects the viewer to be somewhat savvy about the make-up business, something I know (and care) little about.

Byrne and Haddish play best friends Mel and Mia, who have turned their shared love of make-up into a thriving local business that gets the attention of Salma Hayek’s Claire Luna, a big-shot exec at a corporation who wants to buy a stake in their business but with a catch. If for some reason the friends break-up, Luna gets the majority share of the company. This is literally the difference between a 51% and a 49% stake… so not really that big a deal.

I’m not even sure where to begin with this because there’s so much talent involved that generally deserves better, but Haddish has yet to deliver anything on par with her Girls Trip role, and that doesn’t change here. Mind you, I’ve been a big Rose Byrne fan for quite some time, and she’s really been great in movies that allow her to go between humor and drama, but it feels as if she’s trying way too hard to keep up with Haddish, who has actually toned back her character to be more of a 4 or 5 on the Haddish scale.

Jennifer Coolidge seems to be doing the exact same thing she’s done in everything from Legally Blonde to Two Broke Girls, basically acting like a dimwit, and it’s a shame because it’s not really a good part. There’s also Mel and Mia’s three best friends who are so useless at bringing anything to the story that it’s unclear why they’re in the movie at all except to act as a Greek Chorus.  This leaves it up to Billy Porter to steal the movie with but just one scene, and pretty much the only one that delivers a laugh.

I’m not sure if the makers of this movie thought that it would be seen as another pro-feminist movie that women flock to, but the problem might be the simple fact that it’s written and directed by men. That certainly couldn’t have helped, especially since this movie is clearly trying to be another Bridesmaids by pushing the R-rated envelope.

The thing is that if you’re going to make a comedy, you should at least try to make some effort for it to be funny, and the fact that Jennifer Lopez’s Second Act takes place in a similar environment but finds a way to be funnier is telling that Like a Boss just isn’t up to snuff.

It’s doubtful Like A Boss will be anyone’s worst movie of the year, but that’s because it isn’t particularly memorable and will likely be forgotten by February.

Rating: 5/10

Another movie expanding nationwide after a platform release is Dustin Daniel Cretton’s prison drama JUST MERCY (Warner Bros.), which stars Michael B. Jordan as young defense attorney Bryan Stevenson, who finds himself trying to get prisoners on Death Row exonerated. The movie also stars Jamie Foxx as Walter McMillian, a man falsely accused of murder who becomes Bryan’s biggest case to date while Brie Larson plays Eva Ansley, who works with Bryan. I was kind of bored by the movie the first time I saw it, but I gave it another chance recently and generally liked it more, especially towards the last act. I may write a review before Friday if I can find any time but I’m pretty slammed this week.

The last movie of the weekend is actually one I’ve been looking forward to, since the sci-fi thriller UNDERWATER (20th Century Fox) is my kind of movie. It stars Kristen Stewart, Jessica Hardwick (from the Netflix series Iron First), TJ Miller, Vincent Cassell and John Gallagher, Jr. as a team of scientists who are trapped 6 miles below sea level when their station is hit by a catastrophe and they learn that they’re not alone down there. It’s the new movie from William Eubank, a talented filmmaker who I interviewed years agofor his movie The Signal. I’m also still working on my review for this so please check back tonight/tomorrow for it.

Mini-Review:

It’s a bit of a bummer this new undersea horror-thriller probably won’t get a fair shake from critics, because it’s being released in January. Far too many film critics just love their clichés, and when it comes to January movies (other than the ones premiering at Sundance), they expect everything to be horrible. They go in with that thought in mind and then nitpick to make sure they’re theory is right. Maybe it’s true, but it’s also not particularly fair when you have a movie like Underwater that delivers exactly what’s being sold.

The underwater drilling station Kelper rests on the outskirts of the Mariana Trench, and no sooner then we meet Kristen Stewart’s electric engineer Norah, Kepler is hit by a powerful earthquake that tears the station apart, as she and a few of her colleagues do what they can to survive. They soon learn that they’re not down there alone.

Yes, the premise is a bit of a horror cliché we’ve seen many times before, mostly in space thrillers like the classic Alien, but director William Eubank (The Signal) clearly has chops to direct a much bigger-scale movie like this that involves a lot of underwater FX-work.

While the dialogue isn’t always great, and the attempt to make TJ Miller the film’s comic relief doesn’t always work, you generally like the characters played by Stewart, Hardwick, Cassell and Gallagher, which tends to be half the battle when it comes to horror films.  You actually care about them as they face bigger and bigger jeopardy.

I’m sure some women will take issue with Stewart spending a good portion of the movie in a skimpy bathing suit, as soon as she’s out of the bulky deepsea suit she wears for the rest of the movie, but you won’t hear any complaints from me about that.

Like I said, the movie gives you exactly what is being advertised and Eubank has created a movie that’s suitably claustrophobic and at times, legitimately terrifying.

Rating: 7/10

LIMITED RELEASES

The movie opening in limited release that I can recommend highly is Ladj Li’s police thriller LES MISERABLES (Amazon Studios), an amazing police thriller about a group of French detectives trying to deal with issues taking place at the local projects. I thought this French film (France’s shortlisted selection for the Oscar “International Film” category) was fantastic and shows a promising new talent in Li, who wrote and directed the film. If it’s playing in your area, I recommend checking it out, although I’m guessing it will be on Amazon Prime sometime soon as well.

I haven’t seen Jon Avnet’s THREE CHRISTS (IFC FIlms), which has Richard Gere playing Dr. Alan Stone, a psychiatrist in charge of dealing with three schizophrenic patients who all believe they’re Jesus Christ, as played by Peter Dinklage, Walton Goggins and Bradley Whitford. It will open in select cities and On Demand shortly after.

Opening Friday in the States roughly eight months after it opened in the United Kingdom is Ron Scalpello’s crime-thriller THE CORRUPTED (Saban Films), starring Sam Claflin as Liam, an ex-con trying to win back the love of his family, while trying to get out of the tangled web of corruption surrounding him. The movie also stars Timothy Spall, Hugh Bonneville and Charlie Murphy.

Josh Hartnett and Margarita Levieva star in Anthony Jerjen’s Inherit the Viper (Lionsgate), playing siblings Kip and Josie, who are dealing in opioids as their only means of survival.  Kip’s attempts to get out of the family business put him and his sister and younger brother (Owen Teague) in danger. it will open in select cities and On Demand.

Ofra Bloch’s documentary Afterward (1091) debuted at DOC-NYC last year with its look at the issues between Israel and Palestine that came out of the Jews being driven out of Germany during World War II and settling in Israel where they were seen as an enemy by the Palestinians, while trying to give and receive forgiveness. This is a fantastic doc that will open on Friday and then be on VOD January 28.

Alison Reid’s doc The Woman Who Loves Giraffes (Zeitgeist/Kino Lorber) is a little more obvious what it’s about, as it follows Anne Innis Dagg’s solo journey to South Africa in 1956 to study giraffes, featuring voicework by Tatiana Maslany, Victor Garber and more. It opens at New York’s Quad Cinema on Friday and at the Laemmle in Los Angeles on February 21.

Opening today at the Film Forumin New York is Renaud Barret’s doc System K (Artification Release), which looks at the city of Kinshasa in the Democratic Republic of Congo and the street artist performance scene that criticizes government corruption and the poverty that has struck the area.

The Sonata (Screen Media) stars Freya Tingley as a virtuoso violinist who inherits the mansion of her composer father (the late Rutger Hauer) after his sudden death, where she discovers a mysterious score with strange symbols that she tries to decipher with her agent and manager (Simon Abkarian).

This week’s Bollywood offering is Meghna Gulzar’s Chaapaak (FIP), starring Deepika Padukone as a woman attacked with acid in New Delhi in 2005 and how she survived it.

REPERTORY

It’s a new year so we’re back with more cool repertory stuff!

METROGRAPH (NYC):

My favorite local rep theater is beginning with two movies by Your Name and Weathering with You director Makoto Shinkai: 2007’s 5 Centimeters per Second and 2011’s Children Who Chase Lost Voices. On Saturday night, the Academy is back at the Metrograph screening Lina Wermüller’s 1976 movie Seven Beauties. Also on Thursday, you can see two “Metrograph Standards,” Jack Hazan’s A Bigger Splash (1974) and Edo Bertoglio’s Downtown 81. Welcome To Metrograph: Reduxwill screen Richard Quine’s 1958 film Bell, Book and Candle, Late Nites at Metrograph will screen Akira Kurosawa’s High and Low  (1963) while the Playtime: Family Matinees  selection is Danny Devito’s Matilda from 1996.

FILM AT LINCOLN CENTER (NYC):

Folllowing up FilmLinc’s amazing Korean cinema series from last year, this week, they’re doing a special “The Bong Show” retrospective, highlighting the work of soon-to-be Oscar nominee Bong Joon-Ho, as well as other related films with Director Bong in person for some of them. It runs through January 14 and besides all of his feature films, there will be a showing of all his shorts on Friday night, January 10, as well as Kiyoshi Kurosawa’s Cure  (1997), Deliverance (1972), Intentions of Murder (1964), John Frankenheimer’s Seconds (1966), John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982) and more.

ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE BROOKLYN (NYC)

Tonight’s “Weird Wednesday “is the 1984 Supergirl movie, starring Helen Slater, which is almost sold out. Thursday’s “Cherry Bomb” pick is the 1988 film Shy People. Next week’s “Terror Tuesday” is the horror classic Ghoulies (1984) and “Weird Wednesday” is Tarsem’s The Fall, the latter hosted by Vaiance Films founder Dylan Marchetti.

THE NEW BEVERLY (L.A.):

Today’s “Afternoon Classics” matinee is Norman Jewison’s 1967 film In the Heat of the Night, while the Weds./Thurs night double feature is Secret Ceremony and Boom!, both from 1968, both starring Elizabeth Taylor. Friday’s “Freaky Friday” is the 1985 film Re-Animator, while Tarantino’s own Django Unchained is the Friday midnight movie. This weekend’s Kiddee Matinee is the Studio Ghibli film Ponyo, while the “Cartoon Club” is also running this weekend. The Saturday midnight movie is Martin Scorsese’s classic Taxi Driver  (1976). Monday’s “Monday Matinees” is the Stephen King adaptation Misery (1990), while the double feature running from Monday through Thursday are newer films, Greta Gerwig’s Little Women and Sofia Coppola’s The Beguilded from 2017, both in 35mm.

FILM FORUM (NYC):

On Wednesday, Film Forum will begin screening a 4k restoration of Russian filmmaker István Szabó’s Mephisto (1981) along with screenings of his other movies, Confidence (1980) and Colonel Redl (1985).  This weekend’s “Film Forum Jr.” is one of my all-time favorite comedies, Billy Wilder’s Some Like It Hot(1959), starring Marilyn Monroe, Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis.

EGYPTIAN THEATRE (LA):

Apparently, the Egyptian now has two theaters? Sweet! As part of the theater’s “New Year’s Resolutions” its screening the 1993 horror anthology, Necronomicon: The Book of the Dead on Friday in the Spielberg Theater, followed at 10pm by Roar (1981). The Egyptian’s usual theater will screen a double feature of Airplane! (1980) and Stripes  (1981) on Friday. On Saturday, you can see Pacino in Scarface (1983), the sci-fi classic The Incredible Shrinking Man (1957) and Terrence Young’s Valley of the Eagles (1951) with an introduction by Joe Dante (schedule-permitting).  Also on Saturday night is a double feature of Rosemary’s Baby (1968) and The Other (1972). Sunday’s “New Year’s Resolution” is “Get More Sleep!” in the form of Akira Kurosawa’s later film Dreams (1990), plus you can also see a 35mm print of The Blue Angel (1930), starring Marlene Dietrich as part of the theater’s “Sunday Print Edition.” Sunday’s New Year’s Resolution is Deliverance (1971)andWake in Fright (1972).

AERO  (LA):

As part of the series “The Films of Marty and Bob, the Aero will screen a matinee of Taxi Driver (1976) on Thursday – two days before the Alamo. (Oops!) Thursday night is a double feature of Douglas Sirk’s 1955 film All That Heaven Allows and Fassbinder’s 1974 film Ali: Fear Eats the Soul. Friday begins an “All About Almodóvar” series with a double feature of Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown  (1988) and All About My Mother (1999), Saturday is Bad Education (2004) and Talk to Her (2002) then Sunday is some of the filmmaker’s earlier work, The Law of Desire (1987) and Matador (1986).

QUAD CINEMA (NYC):

This weekend, the Quad will screen four movies by Bernard-Henri Lévy: 2012’s The Oath of Tobruk, a double feature of Peshmerga and The Battle of Mosul, and Bosna! With an introduction by Lévy. Sorry, but I’m not really familiar with his work enough to elaborate. 

MOMA  (NYC):

The Museum of Modern Art has started a new series called “Show Me Love: International Teen Cinema” running through January 19 with some interesting selections including Diane Kurys’ 1977 film Peppermint Soda, Greg Araki’s 1993 filmTotally Fucked Up, Satyajit Ray’s Teen Kanya (Two Daughters) (1961) and more.  Another series that will run through February is Modern Matinees: Jack Lemmon, which will show some of the comedic actor’s best movies, including 1963’s Irma La Douce on Wednesday, Blake Edwards’ Days of Wine and Roses (1962) on Thursday, George Cuckor’s It Should Happen to You from 1954) this Friday. (Most of the movies will be repeated later in the series.) Tuesday’s matinee returns to “The Films of Marty and Bob” with New York, New York(1977).

IFC CENTER (NYC)

The IFC Center is in the middle of a comprehensive “Films of Studio Ghibli” series with a bunch of Studio Ghibli animated films, which will run through next week, as will the 75thanniversary digital restoration of the cinema classic Casablanca. This week’s Late Night Favorite selections are David Lynch’s Mulholland Drive and Eraserhead, Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining and Kathryn Bigelow’s Strange Days (1995).

MUSEUM OF THE MOVING IMAGE (NYC):

MOMI is in the midst of a “Curators’ Choice 2019” made up mostly of new movies vs. repertory stuff. Saturday will be a tribute to the late Carol Spinney with a screening of the 2014 doc I Am Big Bird.

ROXY CINEMA (NYC)

The Nicolas Cage love continues with the 1997 action movie Con Air.

LANDMARK THEATRES NUART  (LA):

Friday’s midnight movie is Rene Laloux’s 1973 animated familyFantastic Planet.

Next week, Will Smith and Martin Lawrence are reunited for Bad Boys for Life, taking on Robert Downey Jr. as (Doctor) Dolittle.

[evenstevensranked]

#32: Season 1, Episode 7 - “Foodzilla”

Louis convinces Ren to let him do a live news segment on the school lunch lady for the Wombat Report. Unfortunately, his inability to be serious turns the story into a fiasco -- ultimately causing the lunch lady to quit her job.

The episode opens with Louis and Ren walking home from school. He’s nagging her and asking “please?!” over and over. This is obviously setting us up to wonder what the heck he’s asking for. Side note: I love how even though I know they filmed the interior shots of the house on a set, I STILL like to think they used the real house from time to time, lol. This is another one of those instances. They’re walking out and about in the real world, up until they reach their front door. You can’t tell if they’re still outside or if they’ve captured great artificial “natural” light. Gahhh. You can also hear legitimate sounding wind and cars driving by, which is either great sound editing or... ya know, they were actually at the house. In which case.. IT TOTALLY IS THE SAME INSIDE! 

Yeah, this is definitely (probably) my wishful thinking talking tbh. The more I stare at these images the more it looks like a set with bright lights... But still. 

Anyway, nerd analyzation aside... Turns out Louis desperately wants to host a segment on the premiere installment of the Wombat Report, which Ren is in charge of. He says that he could make her a comic masterpiece, which is where Ren immediately shuts any prospect down. Naturally, she absolutely will not allow it because she thinks Louis is incapable of taking anything seriously. I don’t blame her. If only she could lighten up, though.. Louis probably could’ve delivered something great, hilarious and take it seriously. I would’ve loved to see that, tbh. 

Literally a million scenes/lines from this episode were used in Disney Channel promos for the show. Including “You think I need to shave my pits?” “I rest my case.” which happens around this point of the episode. 

Louis heads out to the backyard, where Eileen is attempting to do Tai-Chi. The only problem is that she can’t find the right music to help her relax. Louis confides in her about the Wombat Report situation, and she tells him if he really wants to do it, the only option is to take it seriously and present Ren with a professional idea. She invites Louis to try exercising with her “Do this with me! It’s called: Golden Chicken Stands on One Leg.” Louis gives up right away and says:

So freaking good. Louis Stevens is all of us. 

Eileen eventually looks though Ren’s CD collection for better relaxation tunes and chooses Limp Bizkit. Oh my god. “The Limp Biscuits. That sounds relaxing” she says. bahaha I can’t. 

The next day at school, Louis tries to figure out a good idea for a story and goes to Twitty and Tawny for help at lunch. Twitty suggests that he do a behind the scenes look at his band, The Alan Twitty Project! Ahhhh! This is the first ever hint at the band arc! :D He also says that his lead singer has mono. The number one sickness mentioned on teen shows that literally no one I’ve ever known in real life has contracted. We get another one of those lines used in promos here: Louis: “You think I’m just some goofball who can’t be serious?” Twitty and Tawny: “...........yeah.” 

Right about now is when Louis gets the bright idea to do his story on the school lunch lady.. played by Wendy Worthington who’s been in a zillion things you’ve probably seen. Including “Tower of Terror” -- the single most horrifying movie to ever air on Disney Channel. (Well, except for “Don’t Look Under The Bed.”) There’s a decapitated corpse and doll in the film. Just sayin. 

She’s honestly really good at playing a creepy lady, I guess. Also, the little girl is Morgan from Boy Meets World... which instead of a direct parallel, you could consider a 6 degrees of separation deal between this show and BMW. I mean, that’s kinda reaching... but.

Just for the laughs, here’s me on the ride at Disney World. I was... well, terrified of it, but oddly obsessed at the same time. Also, that is my uncle laughing at me to my right. 

Louis presents Ren with a rough draft of his report “The Lunch Lady: Life Behind The Hairnet” which seems extremely promising. Ren thinks so too, and allows him to do the segment. We sort of get mirror talk that night... but not really. It’s just Louis practicing various ways to act on air -- another bit used in promos. 

Okay, we’ve finally reached the debut of The Wombat Report! For some reason Ren can’t correctly pronounce “Wombat Report” and says “Wombat Waport” I never understood this until I asked my mother for confirmation today. Louis refers to her as “Bawa” (a.k.a Barbara Walters) at one point, so I always assumed this was a reference to her or something... turns out my assumption was correct. I apologize for being an uncultured swine.

They start off with a “Coming up...” intro that features a character named DaNica Henderson (played by Alexis Lopez from The Luck Of the Irish, whose sister is Bianca Lopez a.k.a Mandy “Always Gets Her Man” Sanchez! Holy crap!) To quote Season 3 Louis:

DaNica says “Ever wonder what happens to the fines you pay on overdue library books? I have a shocking report.” And the camera zooms out to reveal a fancy sports car in the librarian’s parking spot: 

Like, wth?! lol. Imagine if the librarian saved up enough piddly overdue fines to buy a freaking lambo or something?! omg. What’s funnier is that I’m picturing the stereotypical, old lady librarian driving around in that car. 

They segue to a sports report by the underused Artie Ryan. Yesssss. He’s interviewing Twitty about a recent basketball game. This scene cuts to Louis, who’s on next, telling Tom (who of course is the AV guy/cameraman) that he’s just gonna wing the interview with the lunch lady. Not good. When it cuts back to Artie’s segment, we get another one of those backends to a random sentence from Twitty: “...Let’s just say it’s the last time I played without a cup.” Oh my god. Chill, Disney. Twitty takes this on-air opportunity to say that his band is looking for a bassist. Artie leans in like “Hey! I play bass!” lol. This is so great because Artie goes on to join The Alan Twitty Project/Twitty-Stevens Connection! Again, very cool to see the band arc starting to form. Gotta love solid continuity. 

It’s time for Louis’ report and, well... this is just one of those absolutely iconic scenes ya gotta embed: 

“It’s FOODZILLA! Tokyo is dooooomed!” (At least, I think that’s what he’s saying.) 

..........as you can see, Louis started off his live-streamed interview sort of okay? And then it all just went down in flames pretty quickly. Only Louis Stevens could take an interview from a simple question, to a full out food war between the news crew and the Lunch Lady. It’s actually pretty hilarious, but you just cannot help but cringe at the fact Louis f’d up… again -- Much like his meltdown in Wild Child. But, I’m ranking this disaster higher because I find it less horrible than tarnishing the name of his own family and jeopardizing Eileen’s campaign on television. It’s a lil less cringy than that, which makes it funnier. I love how he shouts “MAN DOWN! I’ll try to get’cha out! I’ll try to get’cha!” as if they’re literally at war, which is too much lol.. and also predicted Shia’s future...? (Again, I’m reaching, but STILL.) That ending shot scene of Ren fuming with anger was also used for promos. Actually, you can just check out this promo video I posted recently to see every moment I’ve mentioned so far and then some.

To Ren’s surprise, everyone (including Principal Wexler for whatever reason) loved Louis’ segment and thought it was hilarious. DaNica refers to it as “phat” which definitely dates the show, lol. Just like that, Ren switches gears and tells Louis to prepare another segment. Wow. Unfortunately, at lunch that day.. all the kids start taunting the lunch lady by screaming “FOODZILLA!” at her. This one kid was the first one to shout it, and I always thought he was Khleo Thomas (Zero from Holes) lol:

The lunch lady is obviously mortified and runs away into the kitchen. :( Louis and Ren feel incredibly remorseful. When they get home from school, they tell Eileen everything and she forces them to go to the lunch lady’s house and apologize. (This is also the “You are a horrible little person” bit. As seen in that darn promo I linked.)

They go to her house later that night, and she reluctantly invites them in. We learn that her name is Elsa Schotz, and she “shows them who she really is” by yodeling for them. I don’t know how that’s supposed to reveal her true colors, but ok. We find out that she came over on a boat from Europe to become a professional yodeler, but sadly no one cares about yodeling in America — which is most definitely extremely factual. Have you ever heard a Top 40 yodeling hit? Honestly, why would ANYONE travel to America of all countries to pursue a yodeling career? She was already in Europe! That seems like something you’d go to Germany or Switzerland for??? I feel like this is a career endeavor you’d research where it’s most lucrative before moving to another country? Anyway, once she found out that yodeling work literally does not exist in the US, she started cooking at the school for money. But, now she’s depressed because she’s being made fun of.

This information somehow leads to Louis and Ren giving her a makeover??? I never realized it before, but that almost makes no sense? The kids at school weren’t making fun of her for the way she looks, but rather, because of her crazy outburst. I’d be so insulted and confused if I were Elsa. Is the makeover just a way to... somehow distract from the Foodzilla thing? Idk. She forgives them in the end though and her new-look gives her a confidence boost.

Where’d they get that outfit? Did she just happen to have something snazzy like that in the back of her closet? or did they seriously glamify her uniform?

They were pumped for the kids at school to see the “new and improved” Elsa Schotz, but she doesn’t show up the next day. Turns out she struck up a relationship with the school janitor and they eloped to Las Vegas to get married. Still a better love story than Twilight. 

And that’s pretty much it! The short return after the last commercial break is Louis yodeling for Eileen while she does her Tai-Chi. 

This episode remains super memorable. Probably because how many freaking scenes they used on commercials! It also aired a lot as well. Like, wow. But other than the actual Foodzilla scene, the rest of the episode is just a little bland and slightly random at times haha. It’s still good though. It’s nice to see Louis and Ren work together to help Elsa in the end. 

Thoughts?

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