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buzzdixonwriter · 4 years ago

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Writing Report August 1, 2021

Word counts.

As mentioned before, I keep a daily tab on my word count, striving for at least 1,000 words a day.

By “words” I mean material that I actually intend to see published / produced / posted, not notes abut projects or social media comments (though I’ve used some of my social media comments as the basis for longer blog posts).

Not a bad pace if one can maintain it. Assuming one writes only five days a week and takes two weeks off at some point, it’s 250,000 words a year, the equivalent of three average size novels.

And that’s assuming it’s an average pace; books need to be revised and polished, so while 1,000 words a day can produce three novels worth of first drafts, there’s time to be spent rewriting – and I don’t count that in my daily totals.

I can blitz stuff out in a single concentrated burst. Just recently I wrote the first draft of a one act stage play in an eleven hour stretch, clocking in at 37 pages and 6,846 words (thank you MS Word for doing those autocounts; makes my life easier).

My big project for the year ended up with a first draft around 105,000 words long, much too long for this type of story (i.e., a contemporary mainstream social satire). I spent the last week getting very little productive work done (other than the aforementioned one act play) while trimming back the first draft to just under 94,000.

That’s in the nervous range; I might find an editor / publisher who’ll accept it at that length, but it’ll sure improve my chances if I can keep trimming to under 90,000.

For my second draft (the 94,000 version), trimming wasn’t difficult. I tend to write loose and shaggy, often repeating phrases and descriptions.

It’s easy to trim stuff like “he went down the stairs” to “he went downstairs”.

I also slashed away mercilessly at everything that didn’t advance the story, either by moving the plot forward or providing vitally needed character insight to explain later actions.

Some cute stuff went by the wayside. Quelle dommage.

I also trimmed stuff that went to far (and I can hear jaws dropping from people reading this who know me and go “Buzz is worried about going too far?!?!?”).

In this case, yes. My basic premise requires a PG approach, maaaaaybe occasionally brushing up against a PG-13 but never venturing over into R-rated territory.

Even while writing the first draft, I needed to go back and remove two scenes that -- while funny and entirely in character for those involved -- bumped the story up into soft R territory.*

Eliminating those necessitated revising an earlier scene which set them up, and to the betterment of the novel, I must say. The story works better the further certain elements can be kept off stage.

(There’s no avoiding mention of the concept of those elements, but the elements themselves don’t need to be paraded out in the open.)

While I often use collegiate notebooks for short story and blog post first drafts, for this project I used my computer to get it on its feet.

Every week I printed up what I’d written to date and shared it with the writers group I belong to. This gave me good feedback on the clarity of the story telling and specific problematic areas. I accumulated those printouts on 3-hole punch paper and put them in a large notebook along with regular notebook paper.

As you can see in the photo above, I write notes to myself about specific areas to be addressed in red on the notebook paper as well as on the printouts themselves, but also write additional scenes by hand in black ink to slip between the printed pages as needed while prepping the second draft.

The second draft is the trimmed down version of the first but also with name changes (for example, I had two characters with similar first names who are rarely in a scene together, but each interacts frequently with a third character; that could be confusing so one got a completely different name).

I didn’t nail down all the characters and locations names, so I’d use placeholders for those and when prepping the second draft swapped them out for their final names (or at least better ones).

The second draft isn’t completely prepped yet, but it’s 80-85% done. Once it’s prepped then I’ll have it printed out at the local FedEx store and use that to edit my third draft on.

The way things are progressing, the third draft will go to beta readers and after their feedback, one last polish and it’s ready for submission.

As posted above, I try to write 1,000 words a date for publication or posting, and I have reached that number right…now.

* The late William Rotsler once laid out the history of US movie ratings for me. Before the MPAA rating system came into effect in the 1960s, theater owners and distributors used an unofficial rating system of “mature” (talked about or hinted at), “adult” (a few flashes of female flesh), X (partial female nudity), XX (full female nudity / partial male nudity), and XXX (full blown porn, if you’ll pardon the expression). When the MPAA launched its official rating system, the original categories were G, M, R, and X. M quickly vanished as “too confusing” replaced by GP (yeah, that wasn’t confusing…) which then became PG and eventually added PG-13. X used to be any film previously unofficially rated XX or XXX but has since been supplanted by NC-17, X being handed back to the professional pornographers, presumably at the end of a long set of tongs. In the 1970s these official categories were unofficially refined by theater owners, movie distributors, and audiences as soft R (the old “adult”), hard R (the old X), soft X (formerly XX), and hard X (i.e., XXX).

#writing #writing report #how this writer's mind works

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gaslightgallows · 7 years ago

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Things To Do Today

finish chs 60 and 61 of The Convalescent Way (time to put this puppy to bed)

draft first post and Prompt Poll for the Patreon that my original-fic-writing alter-ego @aflinley is launching soon, maybe even tomorrow??? Anyway you should follow me there.

try to get to my parents’ house for an early birthday dinner (which might end up getting cancelled because of snow... what even the fuck is this weather)

maaaaaybe finish the Lucille/Edith fic I’ve been working on for @hallsofvalhalla for seemingly forever

laundry? dishes? idk some adulting crap

#gaslight on gaslight #to do lists #my life in bullet points #my alter ego #big damn asgardian soap opera

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redrackham87 · 7 years ago

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2018 Writing Plans

Tagged by @stars-inthe-sky ! :D

I’ll preface this by saying as of a couple days from now, I’ll be entering semester 2, and if it’s anything like semester 1, then I’ll basically be straight up disappearing from everything (again) until late April. If it isn’t and I have room to breathe, I hope to squeak out some words here and there. Either way:

Definite fic plans: continue part 2 of the Avengers timebomb series (writing, editing, posting), working on my original fiction (probably in the summer), very likely SPN Summergen again, my FTH fic which is now actually a year overdue (*hangs head in utter shame, muttering ‘bad author bad’*)

Tentative fic plans: school/mental capacity allowing, then I’d like to do Yuletide, make serious headway writing part 3 of the timebomb series (I’ve got several chapters already written, but I gotta get part 2 off my plate before I put much more serious effort into part 3), maaaaaybe Marvel Bang and/or WIP Bang (if not for writing, then for art)

Other fic plans: there’s been some random bangs/challenges that have cropped up, and mental space/time allowing, I’d defs like try or do again. Also betaing whatever the ladies need over The Beta Branch. I’d also like to get some lingering WIPs out of my eternal drafts pile. And sometimes oneshots just come out from no where, so we’ll see. XD

Tagging: @thatwanderingwriter, @gryfndorgodess, @justthebones, @gneissgneissbaby, @hollaitshamilton, and anyone who’s writing schtuff and wants to tell us about your goals!

#stars inthe sky #fic things #writing things #fic meme #writing meme #my lord i have to somehow get that fth fic done #i am such a terrible author for taking this long #augggh

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kingofthewilderwest · 4 years ago

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Hello! I’d just want to ask you a question on when did @/fuhrerzakk ask for your permission on using your Maes Hughes thread?

I am responding publicly only because this is a widespread public matter on Twitter. Multiple people have messaged me about this. I have also been in communication with fuhrerzakk about this. Thanks to everyone who has been talking to me about this. I intend to be kind but factual, but I am here to set the record straight.

Twitter has been going after fuhrerzakk for copy-and-pasting other people's meta without permission or credentials. My Maes Hughes analysis from November 29, 2018 was one of the works taken. You can follow the link, see the material, and see the date my meta was posted. Fuhrerzakk and I have reached an understanding and are on good terms with each other as I speak. I do want to emphasize this: fuhrerzakk and I are on good terms. See more below cut.

I did not give permission to fuhrerzakk to use my Maes Hughes analysis and some of my words were taken out of context earlier this morning to suggest that I had given permission. However, I am not angry at fuhrerzakk. I do not want my words used to pillory fuhrerzakk or hurt them further in any capacity. I do believe in kindness and giving people second chances, and after our private convo, that is what I am doing here.

Below, I will explain what's going on on my end:

Yesterday, Fuhrerzakk sent me both a DM and an anonymous message asking for permission to copy my meta works. Feeling a little leery about a blog that didn't have any material posted, I tried to answer politely but carefully. I made sure to answer the anon message publicly on tumblr for "receipts" in case anything weird popped up with someone taking my writing. That way, everyone would have seen me say, "Don’t use a new post to take my entire analysis, reword it, and put your own insertions into it."

I intended both my conversation with fuhrerzakk in private yesterday, and my posted message, to be good screencappable proof that I was not giving permission for people to copy my analyses.

Of course, my wordiness got the better of me, hahaha. I always try to answer very politely to people, even when I'm feeling uncertain. My answers follow a honey-and-hatchet format. I give kind words to people first to make them feel comfortable before I detail my full perspective. Well, cropping worked against me. That's on me. This morning, fuhrerzakk woke up, saw the storm on Twitter, and hastily defended themselves using a screencap of the first part of our conversation. As you'll notice, it makes it seem like I had given permission for word-per-word repastes.

However, that was not the full conversation. Here is my full response and what I actually said:

Today, I received messages from several helpful people. They told me about my Maes Hughes analysis being on Twitter and so forth. I shared some screencaps of my earlier fuhrerzakk private messages. You may see those screencaps floating around Twitter. I will be adding my own Twitter posts shortly.

Fuhrerzakk also messaged me today admitting they had used my Maes Hughes analysis on Twitter without credits, and apologized profusely and sincerely to me. You can see the first part of their apology below.

We have had a long conversation. A long conversation. In this long conversation, fuhrerzakk and I talked about:

How fuhrerzakk is deleting all tweets that were taken from other people.

How fuhrerzakk used the screencap of our DMed conversation inaccurately but will rectify it. The mislreading screencap has already been deleted and I have verified it's already been deleted.

How fuhrerzakk is drafting a public apology post for Twitter saying all the analysis resposts were wrong, they feel bad, and they're going to change their behavior on social media. They shared the full soon-to-be-public-apology in the DMs to me. It is a good apology that explains but does not justify their mistakes, and shows a desire to make things right. I recommend you guys read it when it comes up, and that you treat an apology with the encouragement it deserves.

How fuhrerzakk LEGITIMATELY FEELS BAD about this.

And more.

While it is true that some people are incredibly deceitful and will use emotional conversations like this as further manipulation, in this case I say: guys, please take fuhrerzakk's word on this. You guys can watch it for yourself. Watch for the public apology post. Watch for the change in behavior before you shout out. Fuhrerzakk intends to change their behavior on Twitter. Give them that chance, and because of that, I don't think that more rumor-spreading, pillorying, hate-speaking, or mocking will do any good.

This is not the first time that human beings have been legitimately harmed because they made mistakes on social media. Over and over again on tumblr and Twitter, I see a call-out culture that loudly turn mistakes public and treat people as enormous "evils" of social media. We all make mistakes. Fuck man, guys, I have some posts from like 2014 where I got yelled at by fandom senpais, and I still think about how much it hurt me. I was a young college student, I had barely been on social media, I didn't know what I had done wrong, and I was scared at their response. I'm sure everyone else has forgotten those posts but me, but hell do I remember them. They hurt baaaaad, and I'm someone who can take a beating compared to lots of people I know.

Think about what you're doing and how much you're hurting someone for an infraction you learned about 5 minutes ago. Think about the human behind it. Think about all the things you might NOT be aware of that'd change how you'd respond. Think about how loud public screaming sessions turn into festivals where people WANT to share drama, WANT to have fun with someone else's mistake, WANT to take pleasure in rooting out "wrongs." It's gross, dudes.

Telling people they did something wrong is fair. Being hard but firm on people who make repeated infractions because they don't care is fair. Talking to people in private first and then maaaaaybe going public if things become repeated issues is fair. But mocking people for enjoyment, playing witch hunt and drama for enjoyment, that is not cool. These sorts of social media takedowns can be extremely psychologically debilitating, and I don't want to see you guys become bullies yourselves in the quest for the elusive "purity" that toxic purity culture has imbued within y'all. People make mistakes. While there are assholes out there, not everyone's an asshole, and I don't like y'all assuming everyone who makes an infraction is an asshole.

Maybe teaching people and giving people kindness is a great way of helping people improve their behavior instead of psychologically damaging them.

Last. If you haven't seen it. A relevant video from someone I've always admired, talking about the toxicity of Twitter's pillory culture:

youtube

#blabbing Haddock #ask #ask me #non-dragons

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junker-town · 8 years ago

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NFL Dad, Week 9: Standard time and Blair Walsh ruined my Sunday

Relive Sunday's action with one dad, two toddlers, and six hours of the RedZone channel.

Welcome back to standard time! I hope everyone enjoyed their extra hour of sleep when the clocks fell back, except for the tiny segment of the population that is children and people who live with children.

There’s a common refrain around the internet that daylight saving time is bad. Au contraire! It’s standard time that’s a scourge upon our land. I’m fine with when the sun rises and sets during spring and summer. But at no point during the fall am I like, “Y’know what? I’ve been enjoying my circadian rhythms, but I just wish it was dark outside when I left work.”

And I know that EVERY parent bitches about the time change, but let me just pile on: A one-hour time change WRECKS young children. My son was a disaster all day just because America wanted to save energy a hundred years ago during World War I. Let’s spring forward next year and never go back.

EARLY GAMES, FIRST HALF

— We’ve got seven games on the early docket, and it’s not a promising slate. Falcons-Panthers is the only game between two winning teams, and calling the Falcons a “winning team” feels like a stretch. Leonard Fournette is suspended by the Jags for a violation of team rules for their home tilt against the Bengals. Brock Osweiler has returned to the Broncos’ starting lineup for the first time since 2015, the season he won the Super Bowl with the team (LOLOLOL, but also: he went 5-2 as a starter that season). And in some alternate, better universe, Colts-Texans features Andrew Luck versus Deshaun Watson. Here in Shitworld, it’s Jacoby Brissett-Tom Savage.

— Brissett quickly excuses himself from the shitty quarterback conversation with one of the first big plays of the day, a 45-yard touchdown bomb to T.Y. Hilton on a post route. It’s a great throw by Brissett, made even better by the complete absence of a safety to help on the deep ball.

PERFECT pass by @JBrissett12. And @TYHilton13 makes the grab! Touchdown, @Colts! #Colts http://pic.twitter.com/vijqVMrrft

— NFL (@NFL) November 5, 2017

— Philadelphia is wearing their all-black uniforms, which smacks of desperate, capitalistic opportunism. The Eagles aren’t a black team; they’re a green and white team. Their attempt to pivot away from kelly green and act like black is one of their colors (“Look at the outline of the eagle!”) is a corporate swindle to sell jerseys.

These are the NFL teams with a claim to going black-on-black:

Raiders

Ravens

Steelers

Falcons

Saints

Maaaaaybe the Jaguars, and only because they were born in the ‘90s and deserve a reprieve from teal. (“Teal: Give us a break, Kurt Cobain was still alive.”)

— The Ravens execute a successful fake punt near midfield. (“The Ravens: Special teams is our offense.”) That leads to a 3rd and 10 inside the red zone, which Joe Flacco solves by throwing a swing pass for one yard. Please, wear a surgical mask and goggles if you have to watch this offense. Baltimore kicks a field goal to go up 3-0.

— It’s 3rd and 12 for the Jags near midfield, which means it’s time for an off-target throw from Blake Bortles. But wait, there’s a twist!

This grab by @Air4Cole is just ridiculous. #Jaguars http://pic.twitter.com/aftjtpW7zW

— NFL (@NFL) November 5, 2017

Keelan Cole snatches the overthrow, and keep your eye on this rising star. Catching horribly thrown balls is how Odell Beckham made his name in the NFL.

With the Jags set up in the red zone, they soon face a 3rd and 7, which means it’s time for a Bortles deflection at the line of scrimmage. A Bengals defender drops the easy interception, and the Jags kick a field goal to take a 3-0 lead.

— The rout is on in Philadelphia. Carson Wentz sells play-action and rolls right, lofting a pass to Alshon Jeffery, who’s beaten his defender down the sideline. It’s a 32-yard touchdown.

.@cj_wentz + @TheWorldof_AJ… It’s an @eagles TOUCHDOWN! #FlyEaglesFly http://pic.twitter.com/h7o5S0TDby

— NFL (@NFL) November 5, 2017

I know I said “the rout is on” for a 7-3 lead, but in my defense, Osweiler is quarterbacking the Broncos. I feel supremely confident about the way this one’s gonna go.

— It’s 1:30, and my son is refusing to nap. We took the kids out earlier than usual this morning, because they were up at their “usual’ time, which was suddenly 6 a.m. instead of 7 a.m. (BURN DOWN THE GOVERNMENT.)

Anyway, because my daughter learned to pee in her little potty this week, we owed her a treat, so we put the kids in the stroller for a 30-minute walk to an old-timey soda shop to get an ice cream sundae. But because my son was so burned out by the time change, he fell asleep on the way back home. We didn’t think it was a big deal — a 25-minute disco nap before lunch shouldn’t preclude a real nap at 1:30 — but guess what? IT VERY MUCH PRECLUDED THE NAP.

— The Rams, in the red zone, pull off a kind of wide receiver screen that’s actually a hook-and-lateral to Tavon Austin? It doesn’t go in for a touchdown, but it’s a fresh use of Austin after he wilted in Jeff Fisher’s care. Sean McVay is gonna win Coach of the Year just because he’s an upgrade from Rotting Jack-O’-Lantern With a Mustache.

— Marcus Mariota throws a perfect play-action pass to Rishard Matthews for a touchdown, and Matthew celebrates with a surf celebration that includes paddling out into the waves. I respect the realism! The Titans lead 10-3.

Marcus Mariota finds @_RMatthews for the @titans TD... Surf’s up! #TitanUp http://pic.twitter.com/iwP26VlRCV

— NFL (@NFL) November 5, 2017

— This is gonna shock you, but Brock Osweiler has thrown an interception. The Eagles start a drive on the Broncos 15 and score three plays later. It’s 17-3, Eagles, and the rout is more on than before.

— Jacksonville has had ball for 15 minutes compared to five for the Bengals, but the Jags only have a 3-0 lead to show for it. But then Bortles throws a short touchdown to Marqise Lee to complete a 96-yard drive. Congratulations, Bengals, you let Blake Bortles lead a 96-yard drive without Leonard Fournette. Y’all should be relegated.

— With the Rams short of midfield and facing 3rd and 33, they throw a WR screen to Robert Woods … who scores a touchdown on the play. Relegate the Giants, too.

.@pfref has data going back to 1994. No team’s ever allowed a third-and-30+ conversion before the Giants just did https://t.co/smP4jRKdqQ

— Bill Barnwell (@billbarnwell) November 5, 2017

RedZone never even shows the Giants get the ball back. Next thing you know, Sammy Watkins is streaking for the end zone on a 67-yard TD pass. It’s 24-7 Rams, and I wash my hands of this bloodletting.

— I kinda breezed over it above, but I want to make it clear that when your 18-month-old child usually naps for 2-3 hours in the afternoon, then circumvents that with a 25-minute doze before noon, you don’t just have an awake kid instead of a sleeping kid. You have a walking tire fire instead of two hours of silence. I will run for office and/or lead a revolution to eliminate seasonal clock changes.

— (breaking news ticker sound) EXTRA! EXTRA! TOM SAVAGE ISN’T GOOD:

Tom Savage: 31.3 completion % today (5/16) No other player with 15+ attempts in any half this season has completed fewer than 35% of throws

— NFL Research (@NFLResearch) November 5, 2017

I mean, who could have seen that coming? Besides Bill O’Brien, I mean.

— My wife and I, exhausted by our son, are letting him click the lamp in our bedroom on and off with only the BAREST amount of supervision. His favorite things in the entire world are lamps, fans, clocks, and dogs. Give him one of those and there’s a 97% chance you have enough time to go pee before he does something potentially fatal.

— I would like to travel back in time and draft Alvin Kamara in all of my fantasy leagues.

Are you kidding, @A_kamara6?! What. A. Play. #GoSaints http://pic.twitter.com/zYpfE0e3Iq

— NFL (@NFL) November 5, 2017

— Holy cow! A.J. Green and Jalen Ramsey have both been ejected after Green LOST HIS MIND on Ramsey. Green gets credit for the choke-slam but loses it with the punches to Ramsey’s helmet. ALWAYS PUNCH THE GROIN, KIDS.

My initial reaction to this is that Ramsey must have been RELENTLESS in torturing Green throughout the first part of the game, because Green is one of the nicest, humblest super-humans to ever play wide receiver. Sure, as an elite wide receiver, he’s a driven competitor, but he’s not a Steve Smith-like Terminator in search of fights.

This makes me feel like a sappy bag of hugs — like the sort of hack NFL reporter who says, “I know Player X, and he would never hit a woman” — until I see Antonio Brown’s tweet confirming my suspicion:

that’s not like AJ !!!Not like AJ like he got great attitude something must be going on !

— Antonio Brown (@AB84) November 5, 2017

YES! Thank you, Antonio. I am not a crackpot.

— The Texans score a defensive TD with a sack-fumble that ends up in Lamarr Houston’s arms with a clear path to the end zone. Congrats Texans, it was either that or Tom Savage conjures the spirit of Deshaun Watson into his arm.

— Jay Ajayi made his name with the Dolphins by breaking off big plays in 2016. His failure to do so this season is part of the reason Miami shipped him to the Eagles before the deadline. What do you think was gonna happen?

Welcome to the @Eagles, @JayTrain23! #FlyEaglesFly http://pic.twitter.com/JtUwnTJQFw

— NFL (@NFL) November 5, 2017

EARLY GAMES, SECOND HALF

— While most of the games are in halftime, I take my dog out and bring my son along, rolling the dice on him walking instead of needing a stroller. The rain is light but steady, and he toddles along in his yellow rain slicker, splashing in puddles, petting the dog, and charming passersby on the sidewalk. It is a LOT better than any of the games on RedZone.

wet streets & blue steel

A post shared by Matt Ufford (@mattufford) on Nov 5, 2017 at 2:36pm PST

Don’t let him sucker you in; that cute face threw up in my hand yesterday. He was choking on some apple in his stroller, and I put my hand under his chin and told him to spit it out, and instead he coughed up the green smoothie he had for breakfast. It was the consistency of pea soup with ham and the color of Nickelodeon slime.

— I come back inside and it’s apparently 30-3 in New Orleans? Jameis Winston is out of the game, and it appears that the Bucs are just gonna take the whole season off. I’m beginning to feel like this season “Hard Knocks” was a government conspiracy filmed on a sound stage, like the moon landing.

Anyway, this isn’t quite A.J. Green/Jalen Ramsey, but Mike Evans goes high and to the right on Winston makes this the chippiest hour of RedZone I’ve ever seen.

Jameis Winston out here trying to play tag and Mike Evans just wants to fight everyone. #Bucs http://pic.twitter.com/CMZqRHwFia

— Clay Wendler (@ClayWendler) November 5, 2017

— One of my favorite plays: the ballcarrier goes down without contact, no defender touches him, and he gets up and keeps running. In this case, T.Y. Hilton goes 80 yards for the score:

He wasn't touched! 80-YARD TOUCHDOWN FOR @TYHILTON13! #Colts http://pic.twitter.com/vYdSO5E8NO

— NFL (@NFL) November 5, 2017

That’s good for a 17-7 Colts lead late in the third quarter. Deshaun Watson would have five touchdowns and this game would be 48-17 if knee ligaments weren’t so stupid.

— The Jaguars get a 63-yard punt return to go up 23-7. Good night, Bengals. Go join the Bucs in the “mailing your season in” holding pen.

— The Falcons are down 10 and just outside field goal range, so they go for it on 4th and 7. Unbelievably, Matt Ryan finds Julio Jones running free, wide open in the end zone. The ball hits Jones in the hands, but he drops the ball. I am gobsmacked. Trigger warning on this one, folks:

Just the perfectly constructed wide receiver getting open by 10 yards and dropping a perfectly thrown ball on 4th down that would have been an essential score. I’m not even a Falcons fan, and this one shakes up my world a little.

— Look at this burning trash barge:

Very good quarterbacks are quarterbacking http://pic.twitter.com/kcD465izBV

— Bill Barnwell (@billbarnwell) November 5, 2017

WOOF. Just a Viking funeral pyre of used diapers and coffee cups.

But then, something strange happens. Tom Savage really DOES conjure the spirit of Deshaun Watson into his arm.

.@TomSavage03's first career TD pass... And it was GORGEOUS.@deandrehopkins on the receiving end! #Texans http://pic.twitter.com/6Zh5tcSgwN

— NFL (@NFL) November 5, 2017

The Texans are alive in this game, but also not, because: Tom Savage. That was a nice throw on the touchdown, but c’mon: we’ve all seen enough Tom Savage to know what’s up.

— I crack open my daughter’s door at 3:45. She’s gone the other way with the time change: napping too much. And it’s a travesty to wake a child from a nap, but I also need her to be able to fall asleep tonight.

— Atlanta scores a touchdown with 3:25 remaining. They now trail 20-17 instead of taking the lead. They’re really gonna try to make this look like a comeback, aren’t they?

OK, so they get the ball back with enough time to drive for a game-tying field goal. they don’t go anywhere and Matt Ryan misses the throw on 4th down. What a bunch of assholes.

Matt Ryan's lips are mesmerizing @TheFalcoholic http://pic.twitter.com/LxxVNhIXhi

— Clay Wendler (@ClayWendler) November 5, 2017

LATE GAMES, FIRST HALF

— There are three late games today. Cardinals-49ers and Washington-Seahawks get underway before the week’s only enticing matchup, Chiefs-Cowboys, kicks off at 4:25 Eastern.

— I’m going to pause the stream-of-consciousness act for a moment. I’ve gone back and forth with how I want to talk about this Seahawks game, and I’ve decided I’m not going to relive all the agonizing dipshittery my favorite team pulled off today: 16 penalties, two Russell Wilson interceptions, two dropped interceptions by the defense, two failed 2-point conversions, and THREE missed field goals. Ah, so THAT’S the Blair Walsh who missed a 27-yarder in the playoffs. Good times. At least it wasn’t a close game.

Anyway, here’s some pigs on the field before the game.

No idea why but a bunch of pigs on the field in Seattle. Maybe to welcome The Hogs? http://pic.twitter.com/zIja3TmmyK

— JP Finlay (@JPFinlayNBCS) November 5, 2017

— My nanny got my son a plastic drum that lights up and plays music. There are two volume settings: rock concert and jet engine. It’s awful. My son loves it.

You know, as much as I love our kids being socialized and having access to modern medicine, a part of me DOES long for a cabin in the woods where their only toys are whatever rocks and sticks they can find. Would they get eaten by mountain lions? MAYBE. But if not, they’d be so resilient and self-sufficient!

— Patrick Peterson’s long interception return sets up a short field for Arizona’s offense, and Drew Stanton finds Jaron Brown on 3rd and goal for the touchdown. It’s already 10-0 in Santa Clara, and I have some doubts about C.J. Beathard’s ability to lead this team out of the hole. More sideline shots of Jimmy Garoppolo! My eyes demand it!

— This is unrelated to any game I want to talk about, but Bobby Wagner is a missile with arms.

— Kansas City and Dallas are off to a slow start, but a Cole Beasley touchdown finally opens the scoring late in the first quarter. It was a nice drive for Cowboys; I think that Dak Prescott guy has a real future in the NFL.

— My wife Facetimes with her parents, and the cacophony stresses me out: the TV, two toddlers (one of which is constantly at the edge of crying), my wife speaking loudly to be heard, and my (very lovely) in-laws. I try to mute the TV, but nothing happens. I then get up to retrieve the batteries to the remote, because ... toddlers.

— My daughter is wearing a black tee shirt with the Wu-Tang logo and “IS FOR THE CHILDREN” printed on it. Over this, she wears a pink ballet leotard. This sums up her entire aesthetic nicely.

She brings over a small bowl of cashews, climbs onto the couch, and sits next to me. I say, “Oh, you brought me cashews!” as I take one, because Stock Dad is the role I was born to play. But then she feeds me a cashew, so I feed her one. And we go on that way until the bowl is empty. There’s football on TV, I guess.

— In the final minute of the half, Dak Prescott completes a pass to Terrence Williams for a big gain to set up first and goal for Cowboys. A play or two later, Dak escapes the pocket and runs it in himself. The Cowboys will go into the locker room with a 14-3 lead.

... UNLESS Andy Reid calls a downfield screen to Tyreek Hill and the Cowboys tackle like adults in a kids movie.

Credit to Andy Reid for the play design and Tyreek Hill for being the kind of player who only needs three blockers for eight defenders, but also: THIS IS THE MOST ALEX SMITH HAIL MARY POSSIBLE. “I’ll just throw the ball 42 yards short of where it needs to be and let my playmakers do the work.”

LATE GAMES, SECOND HALF

— Our neighbors come over so our kids can hang out. My apartment now has four adults, three toddlers, one baby, and one dog in it, plus 52 Seahawks shitting the bed on TV (Bobby Wagner is the lone holdout).

— C.J. Beathard scores a touchdown to cut the Cardinals’ lead to 14-10, but I’m not going to write any more about this game for two reasons: (1) The Niners are just going to lose anyway, and (2) I still have my dignity. Yes, I used my hand as a vomit cup, but I DID IT WITH MY HEAD HELD HIGH. I’m too old to pretend to give a shit about Drew Stanton and C.J. Beathard game.

— The Chiefs are trailing 14-10 but get it into the red zone with a read-option keeper on 3rd and 1. This has been a nice drive for them; Andy Reid clearly made some halftime adjustments that solidified their running game. Reid would be the best coach in the game if his brain didn’t turn into jellied pork fat after the 2-minute warning.

Alex Smith finds Travis Kelce in the corner of the end zone to give the Chiefs the lead. He and some teammates celebrate with a sack race:

This is at least the third celebration that’s just pretending to play a children’s game (the Vikings had Duck, Duck, Goose/Grey Duck, and JuJu Smith-Schuster played hide-and-seek), and everyone online seems to be eating this stuff up.

And compared to what the NFL used to allow, these are good celebrations! Everyone’s having fun, and that’s a big leap forward for the NFL. But I also feel like we’re going to look back on this time and say, “Really? We thought it was ‘awesome’ that the preplanned touchdown celebration was adults playing children’s games?”

I know I sound like Grumpy Dad, but dads are also right when they tell you that you deserve better. So demand better. Or keep losing your mind over Ring Around the Rosie, do what you like. I’m going to save my praise for the first receiving corps to perform the “Single Ladies” dance.

— Zeke Elliott scores to put the Cowboys up 21-17. That caps a 12-play, 75-yard drive in which nine of the plays were runs. There are still 18 minutes to play, but the writing on the wall is clear: If the Chiefs struggle to score in the final quarter, the Cowboys running game will grind them down, season them, put them in casing, and serve with ribs. Also I may be writing this while very hungry.

— After the 49ers give up a field goal, I tell my daughter, “That’s mommy’s favorite team. My favorite team is the blue team, the Seahawks.”

“What’s my favorite team?” she asks.

Oh boy. “Your favorite team is whatever team you decide you like best,” I say through gritted teeth, my dreams dying.

RedZone flips to a close-up on the Cowboys, who have just scored again to put the game out of reach. “What’s THAT team?” she asks. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

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