#makes me overwhelmed and stuff. AND i didnt do my exercises today and i dont feel like i CAN anymore

[storywestistrash]

my obsessions will be a blessing 90% of the time but then the other 5% i will be sitting at a party listening to 4 conversations at once sweating like a pig and upon hearing one of the present kids scream for too long my brain will say "frank would see how youre not only bad with kids but also dont like them all that much and it would give him another reason to dislike you" like okay. okay brother that was so not needed rn

[mollydollyjournals]

I got a message reminding me about an event that's happening next month that I forgot about. Where there'll be photos and I'll have to wear something nice. As it is I just about managed to go see a couple of close friends where I could wear my usual oversized stuff, and I was still massively insecure. I dont want to say I'll lose weight by then because I've been wanting to for so long but I keep fucking up and my mental state is just overall getting worse so why should I believe this time will be different? And I'm scared I'll have to go and be seen and decide whether to be in the photos and freak out later or make a big deal and ask not to be in them and then also feel like I'm missing out.

I did write out a schedule using a particular daily calorie count and a rough amount of exercise, with pigly. That says if I stick to it perfectly and my body responds perfectly then I could lose about 10lbs by then. But that's never going to be how it works. I'll be too exhausted to work out, drink, binge, my metabolism will just slow down. Even if by some miracle I did lose the weight, it's nowhere near a point where I can feel comfortable being seen in person let alone on camera again.

I'm a little overwhelmed thinking about it. I was already feeling shitty again today because my mind is going over the same 'everyone hates me/I'm gross/ugly/everyone will leave/i hate myself/etc' and I need to try to stay distracted from that because I was getting that strong urge to drink again. But now I'm freaking out about my weight for this event too. I get so stuck in the self hatred spiral i dont know how to deal with it except drink or SH but those things make it worse, or drinking does at least and SH will just be awkward if anyone sees that its fresh, and if I want to fix my body both for looks and health then I have to not drink when I feel like this, and just fuck everything. Fuck everything in my head.

Fuck my weight for being so much higher today than yesterday. I'm practically screaming at myself that there are reasons I could be holding more water weight than yesterday, but 1.4lbs?? When I feel like this? Kinda didnt need that. I never usually fluctuate that much and it's making me feel worse. It's making me feel like today is do or die. Even though there are legit reasons for me to be even more exhausted than usual and holding water, I feel like I should get up and do a workout and I have to make extra sure I dont binge because i have to be 155lbs by tomorrow and theres only one way to make that happen. But I also know my head hurts like fuck and I cant quite stand up straight I'm so tired, and theres no way a workout would be a good idea today. But then how do I deal with not being able to reach that goal, that tiny goal, especially knowing that it's the best chance I have for being able to have any kind of confidence in myself?

I cant continue like this. It affects everything. I need to have a body that I feel okay in. I need to fix my weight gain. But every time an event or something like this comes up, sure its motivation, but it's also absolutely terrifying because theres no way I'll succeed and then I'm just still gonna have to be there and be seen and I'm so bad at these spirals. I need some other way to deal with it and I've tried so long to do it by myself but I know for a fact I spiral so fast when I have no support and that's exactly how it is and how it will be and I'm just still really lost and I just want to be okay

[videostak]

ya i rly dont feel that silly cause ive really been keeping a nice variety in my purchases.. like ok all my CDs have been country and country-adjacent which i guess is silly but the hachimitsu pai cd was a great purchase cause it was smthn that NEVER shows up and an album i never wouldve thot i wouldve found so soon. actually a lot of rly great purchases lately too like the games ive been buying havent felt dumb or anything like lammy was a great purchase and game boy gallery was another great niche lil obscure game to get that i love(cement factory is rly addictive i wish i had more time to play it T-T) and then donkey kong 3 is gonna satisfy both my arcade platformer desire and shoot em up desire with its gameplay.. and also gonna be the first pulseline cartridge i own. and then the trinitron remote has been something ive been lagging on getting forever so im glad to finally have ordered it adn then flying burrito brothers gilded palace was another album that i had been meaning to get for forever and am glad i finally can listen to it on my boombox forever :D  and then lastly the band CD is gonna be another album im gonna love being able to listen to constantly Im def in a good brain place but like am still smoothing the edges out of my life and mind and today i rly felt low but i think as time goes on ill grow more and im rly doing a legitimate effort to grow which is good and im not a very nervous person per se so i dont really suffer from regression too much i think... ive been rly happy abt me making exercise a regular thing and always sweating a ton by the end of it lollll like i have to immediately take a shower after cause of how sweaty i am after tho im glad i actually sweat cause that means im doing smthn right and once i get up early more i wanna do sit ups or smthn of that matter on the floor but using the tally counter to count how many im doing cause with long stuff like that i lose count very easily lol. and then to also use the tally counter if i wanna just do a v light exercise and just use the walker to walk a few steps but dont wanna listen to an album/take a shower after ! as always i didnt mean for this post to be so long but .... ya i hope once i get my license im like a different person in a lot of ways... just more free and not so introverted. i mean im v chill irl like i dont let things get me down or stress me out too much for the most part like i rly just hate having to be vulnerable and open thats all that hurts me but aside from that i can take everything else in life v easily and like relaxed liek there have been lots of times in my life where ppl wouldve normally been super stressed or anxious but id just be v like casual and not caring usually for the worse tho like in high school i rly would give up easy on classes and like just drop all effort if it overwhelmed me LOL i guess im the same way in college..

[transrightsjimin]

im so so fucking overwhelmed by absolutely the tiniest things jfc

i had to rush w walking to my sleep therapy appointment nd i think i was 1 minute late or so but the therapist saw me nd we had our appt which went well, she recommended me to try to make a weighted pillow w 2 kg of rice and that sounds very fun, and of other exercises too, and then i had to sort out my route, walked to a metro station to go to a hospital to get my blood drawn but bc the screen displayed the wrong stops and i didnt listen to the computer voice bc i listened to music, so i had to get out nd take another metro two stops back, then at the hospital entrance i was told i could just request a new blood drawing form at the desk i had to go to anyway (i lost the original bc i got it months ago bd it suddenly disappeared), which sounded weird bc i remember someone telling me before to go to a different desk, but i went there, drew a number until it was my turn, went to the desk, was indeed sent back downstairs to the other desk, walked around like 3 times (including walking outside bc thats the only route for going back to the right desk so i had to give my info at the entrance again) bc the arrows on the floor were very confusing when you enter a floor halfway through a hall nd i didnt want to walk into the wrong direction when there were arrows bc of covid, constantly stressing bc it got a bit more busy while earlier i was told i could come back bc it was so quiet, then finally drew a number again for the desk near the blood drawing room bc i finally had my form, got my blood drawn, went to toilet, went to a shop back nd forth bc i was hungry but they basically only had chocolate stuff nd candy nd i know having eaten chocolate makes me rly sick in public transport but i bought a bueno thingy anyway, went outside again, stressed bc my phone is way lower battery level nd it was so suffocatingly hot in the hospital that i didnt know how much to put on, suddenly had an impulse to sit down outside on a bench near a tree bc there were multiple beches nd i thought oh why dont i try duolingo again bc its been ages nd i need to sit down so i can write in my notebook! then got stressed bc they were all soaking wet wood despite it not having rained today nd it looks greenish nd gross anyway, but normally other public benches r always covered in bird shit or rly tiny bc they hate homeless ppl, so i sat down despite being stressed abt how im wearing pastel pants nd theyre prob rly gross rn and stressed abt the possibility of ppl walkig by while im mask-less bc im eating or drinking nd stressed abt me forgetting to put it back on bc im forgetful nd stressed bc i wanted to try to clean my room nd wash my hair for days now and it still didnt happen bc im always too tired nd bored w doing necessary tasks nd im abt to have a meltdown rn nd crying nd i HATE it!! i wanted to try to sit somewhere in public in a sort of quiet space near grass nd trees, like even if theres cars nd ppl around i thought it might help but it was too late bc im already crying from fatigue nd embarrassment bc ppl can see me cry in public!! like i dont get how ppl enjoy being outside, ppl can see u all the time nd ur never free from their stares, its so embarrassing!! i kind of want to go home already so im free from embarrassment in public but im also not looking forward to going there bc my room is still a mess nd needs to be cleaned nd i need to wash my hair nd im not sticking to the shower scedule tht my autism coach gave me, like even if i do shower its usually not on the dates that are on the sheet, bc she included certain days of the week which i proposed but it doesnt work out tht way nd i feel guilty, but moreover im not looking forward to going home bc the way back is either like, walking very long to and from public transport stops nd my feet r already killing me, while the other routes involve less walking but more switching transport methods on the way there nd its so frustrating bc last time i could just come here in one go. i know im whining a lot abt absolutely nothing nd only loking for things to get upset by but i just needed to vent

[modiintrainguy]

Confusion Reigns

December 19, 2019, 6.43am

 I can’t stop thinking about this.

That i am now constantly seeing everything through the prism of “ADHD” or an “ADHD brain” as AL says.

And as he says, an ADHD brain does not mean you have “Attention Deficit” and “Hyperactivity”.

It is about not being able to use “executive function” properly so you you find it very hard to make decisions. That you know what you should do and why you should do it and really you usually know how you do it - but something stops you from actually doing it. something about how its very hard to get from the back brain to the front brain.

Which has always been my problem - it shows, from how i always put homework off, to the extreme anxiety i felt with the product marketing job at sbt where i had to make a plan and implement it by myself.... let alone cleaning up at home and doing dishes and planning shabbat meals and dealing with finances and making a schedule for the month with the kids and stuff.

he says that one of the issues is having no discernable end to the task plus overwhelm, as i wrote in the previous post.

he also says that people with an “adhd brain” get frustrated quickly whihc can lead to anger.

also....

Therefore i think alot that  this could be why the therapy + medication approach to my “depression” over the last 20 years hasnt really worked.

if the problem is the “adhd brain,” then trying to make me “happier” by 

giving me drugs to increase serotonin and/or dopamine and norepinephrine to supposedly make me happy

encouraging me to relax and then use my rationality to realise what the real problem is  

think about what made upset as a child and how that influenced me as an adult, 

do cbt to focus on the realy problem

isnt going to work. 

because even if i feel happier or think rationally, i still dont get over the hump and do what i need to do or become less frustrated because the “adhd” brain stops me from doing the rational thing even if i know what it is and im relaxed. 

maybe thats why when i do exercise i feel good at the time because my minds off the problem but the problem hasnt gone away and when i come back from a run its still there and even i feel ok after a run i still cant deal with it so i feel just as crap as before after ive had a shower!

but then: the issues...

So the issue i have is that it seems too good to be true - is this the reason i am so bad at getting stuff done and i become so rude?

take the last few days, when i snapped at the mrs over little things, including: whether she really understood or meant it when she said having a bath has the same affect as running which supposedly has an antidepressent affect due to increase in dopamine or something. or when i got annoyed when i asked her whether she asked the wall painter guy to come at 8am and she said “i sent him a message” instead of saying what was in the message was can you come at 8am.

The issues therefore are:

is it ok to blame it all (or most of it) on me having an “adhd brain? it seems like it is the main problem but is that a cop out?

one sec, how do i know i have an “adhd brain” - i haven’t been diagnosed, so should i be? is there a real accurate diagnosis u can get anyway. and will i get it done considering my main problem is putting things off!?

even if i am diagnosed and it seems this is the main problem, what the fuck do we do now? can i actually get over the hump and get things done and not be rude when im stressed?

how bad can i be, considering i still get things done ok. 

like, i invited a kid over yesterday who we met in the park on shabbat and whose mum is a psychologist who speciallises in adhd among other things and is into DBT and hypnotherapy and a but of mindfulness and her husband has been diagnosed with adhd. she said she thought our apartment is very neat and i told her ivebeen at home alot the last few weeks. and she was suprised cos her husbanad never does things like clearing up (and i used to do alot less when i didnt have kids so have i somehow improved or was it just out of neccesity? although now i clean the floor alot but is it cos i love the dyson?)

One other thing...

I was thinknig something else. (dont worry its connected).

it seems is that i leave everything to the last minute but when i do that with something i actually need to do, then i usually have a plan of how it can get done, so i set a deadline and work out exactly what needs to be done when and assume that is the only way that it can be done.

then when i need other people to do things to help me get it done, i most probably havent told them about their role in advance and then i get annoyed and frustrated when they dont do exactly what i need them to do as quickly as possible, when really, they didnt know i expected to do that, and anyway they might have a different idea of how to get this thing done,but im totally convinced my way is not only the best way but the only way! so i get annoyed and hurry them up and then get worried that we’re not going to do the thing on time and that will be a disaster and i almost implode.

this can be for anything - a good example is leaving on time for shul so we get to the children service to (although get the kids up and ready and out the house in the morning or getting them to bed before it becomes “too late” are also perfect examples). 

when i decide we should go to shul cos otherwise shabbat is just a long nothing cos we wont drive, and theres no point going to shul if we’re going to miss the chjildrens service at 10 because we dont do anything else when we are there apart from play, then it all becomes a rush. but at the same time, the mrs doesnt know im thinking that, cos some weeks im less urgent, the kids dont really understand time and dont care as long as they get to wear their nice dresses, and im all rushing and angry and frustrated.

see what i mean.

anyway better get the girls up - mrs has already gone to work cos we have littleruns chanuka party at gan today. (fucking hell planning how we are all ggoing to get there on time was a headfuck - believe me. although we’ve done it!)

[the-salty-taste-of-humiliat-blog]

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