#marsjournal

[marscomet]

just went biking in my neighborhood by myself and for the first time in a LONG time...i felt..happy..and content with where i currently am in life. i've always had a fear of being alone..it's one of my biggest fears actually. the fear of being alone and having no one there to help me is terrifying, and failing is NOT an option. but outside biking enjoying the amazing weather and the music i was playing all on my own, that fear melted away. it felt good. and now i feel like i can conquer anything that comes my way.

[drizencousins]

May 10th, 2014

<Women are strange creatures.

So are teenage boys.

...

Humans are weird.>

[celestial-carnage-blog]

02. BIRTH

The day I was born is not a day recalled in happy memory by my coven members. It was a stressful and emotionally frustrating ordeal, I am sure. My mother spent two days in extensive labor with me; I have always fatigued her. I was born in the morning, around the time the stars start to fade  in the western sky and the sun's first glimmer of light breaks over the horizon. When I asked my father to recount the events of my genesis, a twisted expression had marred his face and ghosts lurked behind his crystal-clear eyes. He told me, very slowly, carefully, that I was stubborn, as I always have been and always will be. I came later than the expected due date, frightening every one of the mends and my family members into thinking I would be a stillborn, a broken, breathless body of newborn flesh. He told me that I was small. Weak. Around my neck, choking me like a noose was the very thing giving me life, the umbilical cord. He told me that my mother and I were lucky to be alive, and that he praised the Twins every day for that great gift. I suppose from his perspective, we were lucky... But I know the truth. I have dug beyond meaning and reason, beyond face-value, to recognize who and what I am. I was born violently, born to kill. I threatened both my mother's and my own sad, palpitating heart with the savage spirit possessing me. I was silent, my cries locked inside a chest of fragile-as-butterfly-wings bones; I didn't scream because I was a snake, noiseless and poised to destroy. I was battle-born by my very hand. I will never know gentleness.

[celestial-carnage-blog]

01. INTRODUCTION

These dead trees are filled with secrets. I never really know what I'm doing.

[drizencousins]

March 17, 2014

<I have to watch her more closely. She is worse than I thought.>

[drizencousins]

March 7th,2014

<The tutor might not come anymore.

Good?

Bad??>

[drizencousins]

January 30th, 2014

<Maybe I should start school again?

It would be hard. Therapy helps. She still doesn't know though.

I want to be there for Seni.>

[drizencousins]

January 17th, 2014

<Could I make friends?

I don't know. I worry sometimes. A lot.>

[drizencousins]

January 5th, 2014

<She is an animal!! 

I must work to raise her!!

I had a nice day.>

[drizencousins]

January 1st, 2014

<Today!!>

[drizencousins]

December 17th, 2013

<I hid the money under my bed.

Soon.>

[drizencousins]

November 29th, 2013

<School from home now? A program.>

[drizencousins]

November 28th, 2013

<She is like me, but she is not one of us. 

A dog.>

[drizencousins]

November 25th, 2013

<These people.>

[drizencousins]

November 22nd, 2013

<These walls cold.

I want to return to where it is

warm.>

[drizencousins]

November 19th, 2013

<Pull out of school.

Momma

Momma

Momma is dead.>