#mass effect fancition

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Will you meet me with the tide

(Angst, but turns comfort. Set Post-War and post- TMHN)

Mary padded across the cold wooden floor ways, ignoring Kaidan's voice as it floated further from her in the hollow unit. She stepped down from the first platform, running her fingers along the smooth surface of the curved countertop as she passed it, her destination only another couple steps away. Curling her toes against the floor, she stopped, pulling her sweater in tighter around her as she watched the waves crashing against the shore through her massive picture windows.

Leave to Alenko to mean the sunshine coast of the Canadian coastline.

Mary placed her palm on the window, forcing herself to keep it there until the pain subsided. Attempting to ground herself before what brewed in her gut ate at her further.

After all this time, home.

She wasn't thrilled, the revelation drawing a tight frown across her face. Selfish brat, she admonished herself, tucking the hand back underneath her arm. No, that isn't true. Mary had to dig deeper, to probe at why her discomfort lingered in her throat, threatening to choke out the jubilation she should be feeling. It wasn't a far stretch to connect the concept of home to anxiety, her feat that this place would end up repeating the events of Mindoir. Or the Normandy, or the Collector Base, or the Alpha Relay, Akuze, Virimire, Thessia, or London. It was understandable that she would feel apprehension.

A sudden warmth enveloped her, the tickle of stubble rubbed against her neck, "big place, huh?"

Mary snorted, "a cold place."

"Then I'll have to stick close," his husky tenor breathed into her ear, pulling her in if it all possible closer.

She hummed in response, following the lull of his even breathing.

"Are you going to check out the rest of the place?"

Mary craned her head up, eyes tracing the curved balcony above them, "no."

"It looks just like the vids, well obviously emptier without the simulated furniture that-"

"Kaidan," she interrupted gently.

He sighed heavily, slowly entangling from her, "What's up, Mary?"

"That," she held her temper on a taught rubber band, eliciting a frown from her companion. Who in return folded his arms over his chest.

"This?"

"You're way too much of a sweetheart, Kaidan."

"So, you're mad at me?" he questioned with a chuckle and a raised eyebrow, "for being a sweetheart?"

"You know that isn't it," Shepard felt herself deflating, but the anger wasn't subsiding; she pivoted from him, throwing her attention back on the window.

"Shep- Mary, I know this is a lot," he approached carefully, "they built this place much faster than we accounted for, you being the savior of the galaxy probably had something to do with that, but if you aren't ready to be here. I will wait, as long as it takes."

"You're doing it again," Mary growled.

Kaidan backed a step and froze.

Her fingers dug into the ice-cold sill, "I shouldn't have snapped at you."

"What's up," his fingers brushed her elbow, welcoming but not forceful.

Mary chuckled darkly, "I'm angry at myself, as usual."

"Let me know if you want me to shut up and let you talk, or just shut up."

"At it again," she let the smile cross her lips, "knowing every one of my moods so well, and I can't return that. I don't know how you are feeling."

"I'm still the fully functional human being you met on our first run to Eden Prime, I can take care of myself."

"Kaidan," despite the attempt to keep the edge of irritation from her tone it leaked through, "don't you get tired of me taking up all the space?"

Kaidan grinned, despite himself, despite the serious nature of this conversation, "we'll have time for that."

Mary shook her head, but her shoulder's dropped, signaling he was getting through to her.

"Besides, I was watching the woman who watched the galaxy," Kaidan paused, a broad smile crossing his face, "it was a, uh, quite spectacular view."

"Alenko!"

His laughter rolled from his chest; he hadn't managed to work that tone from her in quite some time. Usually, it was only earned in the heat of battle when the adrenaline led him to think with a less intelligent head, one that quite liked to tease Shepard. When possible, he made good on those promises.

She made eye contact long enough to roll her eyes, "no bull."

"No bull," Kaidan repeated gently.

"So spit it out," Mary countered, his grin softening as her arms dropped, most of her temper worked out of her system.

"I am a little disappointed," he spoke gently, lifting his eyes to meet the gaze that returned to him, "I was hoping to get you acquainted with the banister, or even that countertop looks... lonely."

Was it too soon to cross that line again?

Her head shook, those bright blue orbs rolling again, but she sauntered forwards grabbing his shirt's fabric up in greedy fists, "if that's what you wanted, I could fix that problem."

Before he could sway her, his back met the chilly window, his lips pulled down to meet hers. That warm tongue already sought entrance, and who was he to deny her? Soon her entire body pressed into him, the roll of her hips drawing out a moan.

But wasn't this supposed to be his plan?

Taking Mary's shoulders, he gently pried them apart. Noting the lightning-fast frown that crossed her features, "see, we can fix anything if we employ a little old-fashioned communication."

"Has anyone told you that you're a big dork?"

"Me?" his pitch climbed, "never."

Kaidan didn't allow her a response, hiking her legs around his waist with a squeal on her end. His lips found a compliant partner as it was her turn to be pressed into the condensation-coated window. The collision of warm and cold created a tingling that left both of them thoughtless to anything but this moment and each other.

[fromathelastoveritaserum]

“In Sickness & In Health”

A Mass Effect Andromeda Evfra & Sara Ryder story by PK_chu

[Archive of Our Own] Chapter 5, “Longing” is now up!

Evfra de Tershaav, the venerate Resistance leader, is stricken with the Angaran flu and is forced to stay at home under quarantine. Per Angaran culture, he would have been taken care of by his family and very close friends. Without either, Evfra decides to suffer alone.

What he had not expected was for Sara Ryder, Pathfinder extraordinaire, to show up at his doorstep as his self proclaimed caretaker. Turns out humans are not only immune, but non-carriers of the virus. A perfect match in Sara’s enthusiastic mind, though Evfra has his own misgivings as feelings buried deep and forgotten begin to stir awake for this free spirited little human.

{Collage made by the wonderful angaranprincess}

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Duplicity

An AU where Kaidan joins Cerberus for the events of ME2.

Chapter Ten: Meditation on Potatoes

One of these days, Alenko, Mary will kill you, such happy thoughts entertained his mind, and you'll deserve it too, waiting around like a sad puppy. Oh please, pet me, pet me.

The soft ticking of the elevator signaled it was time to stop fretting, well, stop visibly fretting—the last pass of his hand through static locks before he leaned across her doorway. There was no point in hiding his eagerness, even if he was again invading her space. She hasn't told you to get the fuck out yet.

The lift's door hissed open and Mary, carting a steaming mixing bowl pilled impossibly high with a mixture of mashed potatoes and cheese, stared at him. Her top lip diving behind her teeth to hold a taut expression. The woman tried to narrow her eyes, flaunting an angry face before gradually it turned to shame, her bottom lip switching positions with the top lip, "Alenko."

The things this woman considered dinner. He would have to cook for her sometime. Kaidan eyed the bowl, his gaze unconsciously judgmental as they wandered back to her face.

"At least I'm eating something," her gentle tone didn't match the harshness he expected from the content of her words, "but so help you if you make my potatoes cold." The flecks of potato hurled in his direction enforced her point.

"I wouldn't dream of it," he returned with a gentle smile," but uh- I heard you had a, uh, meeting with Liara." Scuttlebutt already knew what had gone down with the Shadowbroker business; Liara had a lot of work ahead of her if she wanted to keep her new identity silent.

"I swear if this is another T'soni is...," his stern expression didn't stem her ramblings, but it did give Mary a moment of pause, "jealous Alenko?"

His thick arms crossed, "Shepard."

"Care to explain why it matters that I went galavanting off with T'soni?"

"You were gone for a few days," he retreated, "ma'am."

"Worried about me there, Lieutenant?"

Kaidan chuckled, glancing at his boots, "I know you well enough to be sure it was an adventure."

"Explosions, betrayal, smacking a yag around," Mary grinned widely, sticking a loaded spoonful into her mouth, "the ush."

The biotic shook his head. Damn, this woman was hot, "I haven't seen Liara in years; how is she doing?"

Mary shrugged, "she's... different," her blue eyes settled on him, searching him over as her happy face fell.

"Two years can be a long time, even for the Asari."

With a huff, her back pounded into the doorway, cautiously eying the door to make sure it would not close on her, "you still didn't answer my question, Alenko," her flash of teeth a dead giveaway.

"Are you seriously trying to pick a fight with me, Shepard?"

The cocky expression wavered, the caress of a frown leaving as briefly as a parting touch, "I'm only giving you what you want."

His eyebrow raised, "what I want?"

Her head dipped, "you're the one blocking the way into my quarters," her eyes closed with the cooling of her tone, "asking pointed questions about what I am doing. You can read the reports. You must want something."

Kaidan had to give her that point, it was aggressive of him. Plainly masochist, if he was being completely honest.

"Spit it out," Mary's softness didn't match the words. Perhaps she was just tired, obviously too tired to wait for a decent meal judging by the bowl of starch she held. Her eyes wandered to him, a touch of pleading misdirecting him further.

"I-uh."

Her gaze left him, her body crumpling as she turned inwards.

What could he say to make this better? What should he say? Words bubbled in his mind, but nothing made it further. There was already so much at stake here. Distracting Mary further was risky, too risky. Muddying another unclear situation, the second fog his wayward feelings had placed them under.

So like the woman he had loved, she was quick to correct her posture, finally leaving the doorway of the lift. The swaying of her hips drew his gaze downward, requiring a hearty gulp before he could meet her eyes. The flash of amusement blinding, but she did not hesitate, the edge of the spoon pressed into the center of his chest.

"Alenko?" her velvet voice undressed him before her eyes started to wander lower.

Could she see...

The pressure of the curved metal into his sternum grew uncomfortable a second before she removed it, replacing that pressure with her gentle fingers... going unregistered until the stinging subsided. Her hand flattened against his chest, head tilting as Shepard bit her lip. Instead of moving acting he was frozen, only able to watch her mouth part, tensing before the corners of her mouth turned upward with whatever, likely indecent, thought crossed her mind.

That hand turned into a fist, pulling him down. Kaidan's lips parted without a thought, their warm breaths mingling. Her grip kept them at a balance, requiring one of them to move to tip that balance. Mere particles separated them, the intoxicating heat of her lips lulling his head forward.

Her eyebrows drew in, "nothing, huh."

Mary waited for a painful moment; the loss of her warmth made the world terribly frigid.

Turns out, it was all in good timing.

The elevator door opened, a man with black hair pulled into a messy half-pony stared at them. Assessing the situation with narrowed eyes.

"What fucking now," Mary snapped, putting the bowl between them, "can't a girl enjoy her warm potatoes in peace."

Leng ignored her, his gaze settling on the biotic, "why are you up here?" It wasn't placed gently.

"I- uh," Mary's sideways smile dispelled any trepidation he may have felt.

"If you can get it out of him and relay that information to me, I would super appreciate it," Mary interrupted, shoving a spoonful of mashed potato into her mouth with a disproving sigh, "spoopid mawm."

Kai Leng's mouth curled, "and why is all your tech down?"

The assassin made the mistake of not waiting for Mary to finish scooping out the next spoonful, her sweeping gesture sending the cream-colored contents flying, "Oh? Must have been the explosions or something- you know, active combat life."

Kaidan sent her a leveled glare, this was not the man to sass, but her answering smirk was a statement on her intentions.

"You didn't notice your omnitool in disrepair?" Kai Leng prodded, folding his arms with an upward sweep of his nose.

"Oh?"

Mary pressed on the chit, watching it flicker and crackle away in short order. The woman shrugged, giving her most timid smile.

Leng's eyebrow raised.

Kaidan snorted.

"That's unfortunate," she grimaced, offering the placating smile once again.

The man's face fell, turning into a tidy neutral expression, "fortunately, we have the capability of fixing these things. Come, let's not delay."

"Can I at least eat first? They're practically room temperature," she whined, the wispy tendrils rising from the bowl giving away her lie.

"We can also remedy that problem, Shepard," when he said it, it lacked any fun.

Her eyes fixed on him, weighing if he could help her out of this situation. This time she erred on caution. Mary wasn't just going to take it like a kicked dog; no, she huffed and sighed but otherwise moved to comply with the man. What could he do but make it worse for her anyway? Her passing pleading look returned with a gentle smile.

Mary followed Leng into the lift, her guard dropping when his attention turned to the digital interface. Her expression drooped, exhaustion pouring through the fading cracks in her armour, a weary smile allowing him to look at her without immediately drawing those defenses back up. Starling himself and Kai Leng, Mary lept for the door stopping it from closing.

"Alenko, we're on course for the Citadel."

Kaidan cocked his head.

"You're on deck, so be ready."

~~~

"Samara?" Mary crooned gently, trying her best to tread softly.

"Shepard."

The blue waves dissipated, the Asari's head tilted back to greet her.

Mary held her hand out, "you don't have to get up, I was curious if you-"

"Sit," it wasn't an interruption but an answer to Mary's silence.

Mary took the opened spot next to Samara, crossing her legs subconsciously to mirror her companion. She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her thighs. Briefly attempting to look out into the star-filled expanse- it wasn't calming, wasn't enough to soothe her. The thoughts still collided like angry waves against a rocky shoreline.

"What is troubling you?"

"Am I that obvious?"

The Asari smiled slowly, "you learn some things when you have lived as long as I have, and you do have your choice of colorful companions if you seek entertainment."

"I didn't- I-"

"Be at ease; perhaps my teasing was ill-timed."

"I didn't think Asari usually joked."

"Perhaps your crew is growing on me," Samara mused with a gentle chuckle, "is there something I can do to help you?"

Mary fiddled with the elastic cording on her boots, "how do you stay so composed? When you- with Morinth... I'm sorry, this is not-"

"I find solace in my code- everything I do is by that creed."

Mary frowned, her head drooped.

"Still, the solution is never clear in the moment, but you didn't come here for a lecture, what is troubling you?"

"I'm putting everyone in so much danger and-," Mary huffed, "and... I feel conflicted. Worried that I'm not making the right choice."

"Every one of us knows the stakes, Shepard."

"I know it's- what if- what if trusting Cerberus is the wrong move. Everyone I love is here, pulled into this mess and if I can't see them out..."

"Thinking about what could be is a wasted effort," Samara replied smoothly, "what happens in the future, happens there and not here."

Shepard sighed heavily.

"Here, listen, give an old Asari a chance," Samara murmured, closing her eyes, the blue energy enveloping their body again, "sit straight, and close your eyes."

Mary followed along, already itching to move. She wasn't a person of patience but someone of action.

"The biotic show is not required."

Shepard huffed.

"Breathe in deeply, hold, and let go," Samara guided her through several more rounds of this, "envision your thoughts as ripples, moving outwards until they fade and the water goes still again. You need not to slow your thoughts or prevent them entirely, Shepard, let them be. Observe them, thank them for the role they play.

If you practice, I believe it should benefit you."

"It seems too easy," Mary gruffed.

The corner of Samara's mouth flickered, "and dealing it with it how you have, has fixed it?"

It stung a little more than she wanted to admit, "it feels like I'm doing nothing."

"We are meant to rest, Shepard."

Mary's huff was a little softer.

"For now, sit with me a while."

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Duplicity

An AU where Kaidan joins Cerberus for the events of ME2.

Chapter Nine: Of Explosions, Traps, and Thresher Maws

"Who did you blow to get access back?"

Mary looked up from the safety of the relatively stationary floor of the shuttle. This wasn't a day where the nausea meds worked to full effect, but she could suffer through a grin, "Illusive Man didn't appreciate Leng's interference with our mission."

"What a bosh'tet."

"You should still avoid him, if possible."

"Come on, Shep! Give me a reason to smear him against the cargo bay walls," Jack retorted with a smug grin.

Tali huffed, "I can take care of myself!"

Mary rubbed at her temples, focusing again on the grooves in the flooring, "we might be pushing it already."

"As I said," Jack sighed, "it's an empty facility. Since when did you give a fuck about what Cerberus thinks? Did you drink Cheerleader's kool-aid?"

"I jumped at the idea of blowing up this facility if my urgency was not noted," she retorted, "and only if it was cherry flavored. Unfortunately, it tastes like watered down orange."

"You're fucking weird."

"I'm sure someone likes orange flavoring."

"And they would be wrong, and besides, have you ever tasted orange?"

"That's beside the point, Shepard."

"Why is the bastard even here?" Jack interjected, becoming the voice of reason.

Mary puffed out her cheeks, "he was elusive about it. Leng mentioned something about a confidentiality breach. Tali, did you try and hack their systems?"

Tali shook her head, "if I did, they wouldn't have caught me."

Shepard grinned.

"Cerberus has the entire Normandy bugged, and not to mention that AI. I wouldn't do something like that without you knowing about it."

Mary nodded, "I thought so. If I wanted to get rid of those bugs, what would I need to do?"

Tali went silent.

"Way to ruin your plan," the biotic gently mocked.

"Who is Kai Leng to you?"

Jack leaned back in her seat with a growing scowl, "him and some Cerberus bitch tried to capture me. It didn't happen, but some mercs got me instead."

"That explains how you got to Purgatory," Mary murmured in response.

Jack shrugged, not interested in further explaining that particular defeat.

"Please be careful with him; even Miranda seemed spooked," she cautioned gently.

"Cerberus has really got you by the balls."

The blond flinched, "I'll have you know I ignored an urgent message from the Illusive Man to bring you here." It was a poor attempt at a deflection; everyone aboard the Normandy knew about her history with a certain crewmate. Worse was the presence of nearly every friend she had left in the galaxy. Most brought in by her. She had no doubts that the Collecter threat was overly sensationalized, but for the time being, it what her only option in stopping the threat. Anderson had seen the threat for himself, but whether or not he could help remained unknown partially because she was afraid of a formal admonishing.

"I forgot how much I hate this place."

~~~

"Shepard-- we caught a break."

Predictably, the break was a trap. Mary wasn't liking the new habit of trampling through her ship in armour fresh from a fight. Or how annoyingly composed the Illusive Man always was, even in her impromptu meeting, he was waiting with a cigarette and drink in hand. The bastard knew what he had done. Worse, he was ready for her to explode.

"In the meantime... I suggest you tell your crew I didn't risk their lives unnecessarily," whether or not the microscopic curl of his lip was imagined in the end, "it would make things easier going forward."

"I'll tell them the truth, screw this half-truth bullshit," Mary leaned back on her heel, folding her arms.

"Our reports missed the petulant child side of you," he took a long drag, flicking away the butt, "can't you see this was necessary."

"Not in the way you handled it."

His pupils narrowed as he stared at her, mouth kept in a thin line. Boldened by this slip, Mary pushed it, "you'll be lucky to have my crew after this."

"Who, exactly, is going to help you? The council already dismissed you once. The Alliance doesn't care about the humans in the Terminus Systems," his posture and blank expression returned, "unless you don't care about the abducted colonies and the Reaper threat anymore."

"Fuck you!"

He issued a long and drawn-out chuckle, "I expected better behavior from you, Shepard. Be an adult, and put aside your petty grievances. You need me to stop this threat."

The coldness pierced her heart first, spreading through her veins with incredible speed until it froze the tip of her fingers. The frigidity of her body forcing her face in a neutral expression, "Akuze was no petty grievance, you conniving prick."

She couldn't lose much more face, so stomping off without a pause was well within her wheelhouse.

"Mary?"

Kaidan knew that look, not that he had to be blocking her way to read it. The emotionless mask was there for only a select few emotions, and all urged him to reach out. Whatever it was, at least meant he wouldn't have to explain why he hovered around the briefing room. He stood his ground, allowing her the time to breathe before he attempted to pry it out of her. Eventually, her shoulders dropped for the briefest moment before squaring back up.

"Talk to me," Kaidan murmured gently, "what happened out there?"

Shepard's posture had corrected, but the mask had yet to fall. Moving him into unfamiliar territory, so he waited for her to speak. Timidly, slowly, placing his hand on her pauldron once the time elapsed into the space of no response.

"Shepard," he called.

First, her body lurched forward, he instinctively moved to pull her in, but the arm that reached around him corrected course and shoved him aside. Perhaps a little harshly, as his back met the metal wall of the hallway. Finally, the mask slipped, catching the moment her eyes filled with regret that morphed with the half-assed raising of her arms, "it was a trap."

Mary spun away to the right, sputtering another few choice words as Mordin collided with her across the opening doorway.

"Go get Grunt ready; we're headed to Tuchanka."

~~~

"You've had a lot more poker practice, Alenko," the turian mused in defeat.

"Back then, I was never invited," the biotic returned snidely.

"Only because Shepard took you everywhere," Tali added wistfully, "you were both so moony-eyed."

"Is that your excuse for always losing, Vakarian?" Kaidan grinned, fighting a bittersweet blush, "careful Tali, you'll start slipping."

"You were all formally crewmates?" Thane finally decided to speak from his corner of the mess hall table. His gaze lingered longer on the human. The other two were obviously connected to Shepard. His short time aboard the Normandy, he hardly saw the Commander and this man in the same room.

The human's next smile a little less forced, "yeah. With Joker at the helm. Those were crazy days."

"Much simpler times, just chasing a rogue spectre across the galaxy."

Tali hummed, "it felt more heroic back then."

"To hell with Cerberus," the man muttered.

Thane stood from his seat, this talk of the past making him feel further like a stranger in this group. Why Officer Alenko had invited him in the first place was a mystery, he hadn't attempted to speak with anyone. Not out of malice but out of desire. Shepard's words about him socializing with the crew to find meaning the sole reason he attempted this game.

The three looked up at him in unison.

"We can change the game."

"You can just stay and talk if you want."

"Look at you guys scaring away the new blood."

Thane glanced between the group; they were a good sort. He shrugged in an effort not to disappoint them, returning to his seat; he had little else of import to do.

"How about a game of go fish?"

The turian turned to the man, "isn't that a children's game?"

"I thought keeping your credits would be an enticing offer," Kaidan returned smugly.

"I already owe you a small fortune when you do decide to collect," the turian drawled, "might not be wise to encourage you to do so."

"I'm banking on interest too, Garrus."

"You would," Garrus chuckled, his eyes sweeping to the quarian, "but Tali, I've always wondered why your faceplate is tinted. Doesn't that distort your vision?"

"Garrus my e-"

Grunt barrelled by the table, taking the L2's attention with him. Adding biotics to the already large Krogan only increased his appetite, especially after a fight. The youngster looked pleased, settling down at the table with whatever was easiest to sweep into his arms—tearing into the still bagged loaf of bread sideways, the group watching with mixed reactions.

"Grunt," Tali was the first to scold, "you should be a little more careful."

"He's just a growing boy, Tali," Garrus replied.

The krogan looked up and around the table with a sheepish grin, "I am a boy no longer. I have passed the rite, and with my battle master, have defeated a thresher maw! You should be in awe!"

"That's no small feat-" Thane finding himself suddenly the chatty one.

"It was glorious! A worthy opponent. So big and in your face," Grunt continued to gloat through mouthfuls of bread and plastic.

"And Shepard?" the man dared to ask.

"The best battle master. Our enemies should be afraid!"

"Was she upset?" Tali pressed.

"No- she fought bravely."

Garrus was next to speak, "nothing odd?"

The krogan groaned, "she fought well. So well, she was too tired to speak."

Kaidan shuffled from his chair, hesitating as the turian and quarian took turns locking eyes with him, "am I supposed to sit here and do nothing?"

"I wouldn't test her patience."

Tali folded her arms, "what could you even do? Guilt trip her again?"

"Ouch," Kaidan flinched, running a hand through his hair, "I deserved that one."

Grunt looked around the table, cocking his head to the side. Thane went still, achieving a far better understanding of the situation than the confused krogan. Until Miranda, followed by Kai Leng burst from the second officer's office, both beelined for the elevator. Garrus, Tali, and Kaidan moved to intercept the pair.

"Out of our way," the Cerberus assassin seethed.

"Do you have a death wish?" Garrus tried to defuse him with humor and a well-intentioned claw on his shoulder. It did not work; the man's eyes only narrowed the anger held in his posture, doubling.

"Keep your dirty talons off of me, bird!"

Tali pulled Garrus back, allowing Kaidan to get in the way.

"That wasn't necessary," the biotic stated bluntly.

Leng rolled his eyes, "and neither is whatever fit Shepard is having in the elevator."

"So you're going to make it worse by demanding she stop?"

"Kaidan, we can't let her damage the ship," Miranda added gently.

"Yeah, I know," Kaidan sighed, rubbing at his temples, "but she won't. I don't think she will, anyway. It's her way of coping."

"By letting off biotic charges?"

"Yeah, I know, but has she damaged anything?"

EDI piqued up, "damage remains cosmetic."

Miranda placed her hands on her hips, "well, this is why we hired you, Alenko. Make her stop, or we'll be forced to act."

"Next time, a little warning after she's faced a Maw would help."

~~~

Riding through the elevator of the Normandy was an old pastime. Something about being crammed into a small space with blank walls let her think. About the good, about the bad, about anything that needed her consideration, really. She had spent hours in the old elevator; they moved much too quickly in the new ship. With more floors and staff came more distractions.

Usually, it involved much less biotic discharge, but this time that display kept the peace. The strain to keep it contained and from flaring too brightly occupied her mind pushed out the thing... the creature... that kept trying to wedge back in her mental space. Pulling it all back in, only characterized by a faint aura around her form, was another challenge. She kept her back to the person.

Ignoring it until the crinkling of a bag pulled her attention.

The opened bag revealing the light reddish-brown contents within, "I thought you might be hungry."

She looked Kaidan up and down, resting on his gentle gaze. Why was she so stubborn? Was he really so different? Did who he worked for matter? She couldn't pretend that all she saw of Cerberus was bad. She trusted Jacob- he had many of the same qualms she did about the organization but continued under their banner without compromising his morals. Her work was good fighting to protect the galaxy from the Reaper threat. Sure at the moment, it felt solely based on saving humans from the Collector threat, but they were only a tiny piece of the problem. She saw no shift in Kaidan, despite the things he had done after she passed. The same integrity, the same aggravating calm, the same compassion.

Perhaps she was unfair. What would she do to bring back the man she loved?

Huh, love was a funny feeling—a light but at the same time heavy notion.

Fuck this.

Fuck the forced distance.

If they were going to die, why waste what could be their last moments together?

"Kaidan."

Pushing the chips aside, she wriggled her way into his arms. A hand threaded through her still damp hair, his nose pressing into the top of her skull. The other arm supported the small of her back, cradling her in gently. Mary breathed in his familiar scent, no different than the man she knew two years ago. It was this easy. Some, but not all, of her worries faded into the background. She had missed physical comfort.

"Wrex was there," it was all she could offer.

Kaidan's chest rumbled, the patch pressed against her forehead an unwelcomed annoyance. A reminder. Hot and blinding, the logo was all she could focus on as it rubbed against her.

Maybe she was weak, but she could not separate the horror from the uniform.

He let her escape without a fuss, leaving him empty-handed.

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Duplicity

An AU where Kaidan joins Cerberus for the events of ME2.

Chapter Eight: Visitors

"You could have changed first," Mary's eyes flickered to the man, "it would have made a better impression."

This was the Commander on her best behavior, attempting not to scorn the man she once loved. The man that had carried her broken body from the field and into safety. The man that blushed and rubbed at his forehead under her scrutiny, unconsciously buying himself further slack with a motion that brought her back to the old days. She thought reaching him was impossible then; now it was somewhere between impossible and a nightmare. The dissonance firing off in her skull was astounding, painful.

"I was worried about," he choked out, in the husky tone that made her heart flutter, " you."

"We should worry more about ourselves- really, Kaidan? Mouthing off to the Illusive Man?"

Honestly, she was proud of him. Other than the one time he killed a superior, he was quite mellow toward most authority figures. The point value tripled because it was toward the Cerberus ring leader. His hand rubbed the back of his neck, fiddling a while before he would answer.

"Commander, the writing's on the wall here- he sent you... us into a trap. It was negligent at best, he could have easily told us. Given us a chance to prepare-"

"Leave that sort of thing to the three billion dollar asset."

"Four billion," Kaidan smirked, "that also happens to have a death wish."

Mary's eyes fluttered away, losing her will to act brave. Her heart was allowed to fear for another, "maybe I was aiming for you."

His dark eyebrow raised.

"Besides, I can at least try to end my life in the way I see fit."

It was a harsh kickback from the moment of vulnerability. It was too easy for her to return to a level of comfort with Kaidan; why wouldn't it be easy? They had spent nearly a year together more than enough time to grow close, to learn all the ticks and what they meant. Plus, she was bitter. Angry, he had a part in bringing her back to this fucked reality. One where she was shackled to Cerberus. Where her autonomy was a fading illusion, Mary was trapped, and rattling at the bars wasn't enough. Whether it was the nuclear option or falling into submission wasn't entirely clear, both paths still fought.

His other eyebrow joined, creasing toward the center. Reflexively frowning at Shepard's insinuation, a hand returning to massage at his temple, he had no defense. Nothing that would change her mind anyway. He loved her; that was obvious. He couldn't stand to lose her, but he had already told her that. It was in the galaxy's best interest to have her around and kicking Reaper ass, in that there was no doubt. Mumbling and fumbling over words wouldn't budge the Commander. There was no reason even to attempt such a thing.

"I won't apologize for bringing you back."

"What about working for Cerberus?" Mary spat.

Kaidan barked, the aggressive tone an accidental exhaling of emotion, "did Chakwas or Joker get this lecture too? Or is it just me?"

"Does it matter?"

"So Joker gets a warm welcome, you end up drunk with Chakwas, and I end up dodging crates? How is that fair?" he questioned with folded arms.

"They didn't see what they did first hand," she reeled, "they... you... didn't... you knew they killed my unit. You met Toombs."

"And hearing about it wasn't enough?"

Mary's throat bobbed, "it's different."

"Don't BS me, Commander," he retorted sternly, "we're way past that."

"I expected better of you."

"Why? Why just me?"

"You're a good man, Kaidan. I don't like being wrong," Mary went cold, folding her arms over herself, "I don't like thinking I misjudged you."

"Let me get this right...because of our relationship, you expect me to live up to a lofty standard?"

"Hardly lofty. Terrorist organization hardly seems your style," Mary's eyes barbed him with daggers.

"Yet you stick with them."

"What choice do I have? Can I just leave? They've brought in everyone I care about, the Illusive Man has already proved he doesn't mind using anyone connected to me as bait," she looked away, "I'm trapped here."

Kaidan lowered his arms, daring to close a portion of the distance between them. He wanted to assure her, to assuage Mary that she was not the only one caged. It wasn't the time, "I felt the same way when the Council... the Alliance threw me aside. Knowing the Reapers are coming is terrible stuff. Instead of waiting around, I did something."

"You went too far, Kaidan."

"The same could have been said when we mutinied."

"We didn't experiment on people."

"Yeah, Cerberus has a lot to answer for," Kaidan retreated.

Mary didn't answer, watching him coldly. He was sure if she could move from that bed she would have decked him hard on the way out. But she was stuck- tied to the bed by medical tape. She seemed in fine condition to anyone else, but he could see the subtle wince when her breath drew too deep, or her volume grew too loud. Kaidan knew Mary better than anyone.

"What am I supposed to say, Mary? Surviving tore me apart. You, you already know what happened at first, but I had the chance to do something. To fight against what I knew was about to happen," Kaidan stepped forward, "maybe we'll never be what we were. But don't judge me, and let me help. I know how this looks-"

The biotic finally dared to meet her gaze- just in time to watch the tears spring from her eyes," just stop," Mary pleaded, looking at anything else that could distance her, "it may have been two years for you, I get it. You've mourned me. It's only been a few weeks, I felt myself die... just to wake up, and everything is... different. I'm still not sure if I'm in hell or not. Cerberus wasn't even a place I'd be in my nightmare."

Mary's bright eyes suddenly caught him, "and you're with them."

Kaidan moved forward, a hand extended as the Commander curled into herself, pulling up the blanket in vain, hoping it would hide her. Sheild her from the vulnerability she was not willingly presenting. It leaked, and it was unfair of him to take advantage of her. In a previous time her guard would have dropped; now she fought to keep it up—only a part of her struggle to keep sane in this new life. His hovering arm dropped, retreating several paces to force himself to stop.

"I didn't want to believe it," Kaidan stalled, looking at his feet, "but I've been thinking, realized that some of these people are good people. Maybe misguided, but... good."

Mary nodded, keeping her head turned away from him.

"Look, I didn't come here to lecture you," Kaidan sent over a dossier from his omnitool, "I brought some good news. If pulling in someone else we know into this mess is good news."

She shook her arm free of the blanket, the orange illumination of her face revealing a subtle shift in her state. The corner of her lip pulling up after the initial pass of regret filtered over her face, at least the tears he should do nothing about slowed to a trickle.

"There are more dossiers, but I knew this one would be most the important."

"Send them over."

Mary scanned the other two, far more passive in her reading of the other potential members of her crew. This was his cue to leave, so he moved to do just that.

"Just be more careful next time," Mary murmured, following his path out of the medical bay.

Kaidan paused, nodding before ducking out of sight.

~~~

"Thanks Shepard, I will," Liara smiled warmly.

"I'll talk to you later, Li Li," Mary stood, acknowledging Miranda's sideways look with a lop-sided smile. Trotting down the stairs from the administrator's office.

"Jealous, Lawson?"

"No, I-" Miranda smiled nervously, "you aren't going to let this go, are you?"

"Not until I find the perfect nickname."

"Oh god," Miranda muttered, massaging her temples, "Miri and nothing else will be acceptable."

"Really?" Mary prodded but gently offering concern rather than utter mirth.

"Is it not embarrassing enough?"

The Commander grinned smugly, "no, it's just-"

"Just what?" Miranda blew with hands moving to her perfect hips.

Mary didn't avoid the conversation out of pettiness- Joker's voice drowned out the moment, pulling away from the lightness of her mood.

"Shepard, we, uh, have a visitor? Some Kai Leng he claims to be Cerberus."

"You let him on the ship?"

"Let is not the word I'd use."

"And everything was going so well," Garrus quipped, the quicker of her companions to read the shift of Shepard's energy.

"Mr. Moreau is correct, Mr. Leng is here on the Illusive Man's orders," EDI pipped in, "I had to let him in."

"You better hurry; he already pissed off Tali."

"I'm on my way, Joker."

"A stowaway problem, Shepard?" Garrus asked with a cock of his head.

"Miri," it was too grave for a lighthearted nickname, "do you know a Kai Leng?"

"That bastard."

Mary cocked her head, her smile fading into a frown, "Miranda?"

"This isn't good news, Shepard. He's the Illusive Man's personal pet," she spat.

"Threat level?"

"Ten."

Mary picked up her pace to the Normandy, ignoring the sideways glances and concerned looks she received. The doors to the ship were open for her, and an over-the-shoulder call from Joker directed the party to the shuttle bay. The elevator felt like it took centuries, and neither of her companions wanted to say a word. Not even a half ignored news clip to pass the time. Leaving her to claw at her vambrace, annoyed to be tramping through her ship in unclean armour. It was a minor detail, but she hated bringing unnecessary germs onto the belly of her ship. She had a quarian to consider.

As if that was her greatest worry at the moment.

Mary stormed into the cargo bay, surprised to find three figures, and notably the lack of a certain Quarian. The krogan presence was less of a surprise, if there was a fight Grunt would find it. With his space overlooking the bay, he didn't have to pry, and furthermore, Jack's latest biotic blast wasn't easily ignored.

"If you think I'm letting you take me now," Jack heaved, dodging a projectile and returning a side-stepped shockwave, "you're fucking wrong!"

"Jack!" Mary screamed, breaking the biotic's concentration, and then her head swiveled to the stranger, "you must be Kai Leng."

"Shepard," the dark-haired stranger drawled, sending an instinctive shiver down her spine.

She wouldn't be intimidated, ignoring the gnawing sense this man would as quickly kill her as he would shake her hand, but it couldn't stop the protect folding of her arms over her chest, "why are you tormenting my crew?"

"Lawson," he continued, the smug smile leaving as he examined the turian, "and this must be the one known as Archangel."

Mary stepped in to partially block his view of Garrus. She knew that look.

The mixed heritage man extended out his hand- Mary had never wanted to do anything less, but this was a power move. Declining would give him the literal and figurative upper hand. Fuck, his grip was tight, overbearing.

"I was sent here to help; after all, the fate of humanity is resting on your shoulders," Shepard felt the omitted words from his saccharine tone.

"I don't need the kind of help that torments my crew."

"I corrected your blatant disregard for Cerberus' confidentiality."

A chuckle escaped Garrus's airway, on inspection, Miri sported a fleeting smirk. Spurring Mary on to laugh in his face, "yeah, from stolen Alliance and Turian designs."

"This wasn't part of the deal, Shepard," Jack butted in.

"You'll get those files back."

"Will you?"

"You'll learn soon enough that Shepard gets her way, Leng."

Kai Leng took his turn to chortle, "so quick to betray Cerberus, Miss Lawson?"

Miranda exhaled slowly, "what's the harm in a few classified files," her tone almost defeated. Mary and Jack meeting each other with a curious look.

"I'm sure you can find your way to temporary quarters?" Mary returned her attention to the stranger, "The Illusive Man and I need to have a chat in the meantime."

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Take Me Home Now: Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Fifteen: Take Me Home

Set after the events of ME3.

A rewrite. Ao3

FemShepxKaidan

Mostly Smut.

Mary's shuddering breaths didn't go unnoticed from across the glass table. The flickering of her blue eyes only available because of the reflective surface, but it meant she could also see the bouncing of his knee. The words stuck in his throat transferred the kinetic energy elsewhere. Was this a time he let her speak first, or was he supposed to say something? What could he say? His cocktail of anger, guilt, and relief settled uncomfortably in his gut. It all wanted out, but all at once, it all felt wrong.

Her eyes moved to the man, braving the move from reflection to the physical being in front of her. The extra creases in his forehead and around his eyes, it was all subtle but an indication of the passage of time. For the second time, years had divided them. Just as she had done then, her eyes roamed the details of him. The white creases around the fingers that curled into a fist, the raised wrist bone that led into a line of hard muscle covered in thick black hairs that always stood at attention. The coarse hairs felt like paradise against the friction of her softest skin. The blue of his casuals suited him nicely- the same medium blue that seemed a part of him now, an association she could never part him from. The cut of the form-fitted shirt complimented him, finding that she preferred the softness over the harsh cut of combat-worn muscles. Not that she doubted he had lost any edge. Kaidan was disciplined and thorough.

Her gaze snapped to him, he didn't flinch but let it wash over him. It shouldn't be this difficult to speak- to bridge the distance between them. They had gone to hell and back several times over. What was a colossal misstep compared to finding her in bed with Cereberus? Was his anger out of misplaced guilt for not looking for her? To imagine her waiting, suffering, she had started cracking hard after Thessia. What had being left alone on Earth after witnessing such broad-scale destruction done to her? Were the scars a reflection of the deeper wounding in her soul? He would undoubtedly feel hurt to find his team had not looked for him.

Why didn't he speak? Come closer? But would the apology really make everything better? It could all be placating motions without the intent of acting on the words. Instead of confrontation or mounting him on the table her emotions welled into a caustic ball. Her dream was within reach, but she felt nothing but afraid it would suddenly yank out from under her. Teetering between ardent and violent, the solution to releasing both was walking away. Helen couldn't keep her here. She was an adult, after all.

Kaidan bowed his head as Mary squeezed behind him, this was it. She could leave and-

He stumbled from his chair, kicking it aside to grasp at her wrist. His aim was completely off. The hand instead graced her side, winding perhaps with intent now down to her hip. It grabbed onto what it was able to, with the help of Shepard pulling him suddenly in. Hips colliding with a thunk as her back met the molding of the doorframe, the flash of her canine releasing her lower lip driving him into a neglected grin. It hurt his face in the best of ways.

Her fingers wound into his belt loops, securing but not holding him there. Those whiskey orbs were intoxicating, beckoning her to surrender- to let her dissolve into the warmth of his body, even if for just tonight. Her head tilted to the side, exposing the lines of her neck, which he drank in. His head bobbed, questioning where to start; Kaidan could choose to drive her wild with a nibble of her earlobe or torture her with his smiling lips pressed against hers. She began to decide for him, lifting onto her toes, "do I need to ask, Alenko?"

After the obligatory chuckle, their lips collided. The first brush was chaste, savoring her taste on his lips. The second had no-holds-barred, Kaiden pressed into her greedily her legs willingly hiking around his torso. Mary's right hand wound into his hair, while the other ran up his belly. It was obviously far less supple than she anticipated, a year and some change of hard labor would do that. Admittedly, combined with some less than stellar eating habits. But it didn't seem to slow her, the tingle of her biotics flaring feeding into his synapses.

Why did his hands stay confined to her hair and back? The rest of her burned for his touch. In revolt, her teeth tugged on his bottom lip, goading him on with a playful smirk. She got her reward, as his lips ghosted over her earlobe, the hand bunched within her hair holding her head still. The hand spread at the small of her back, arching it in a way that let her feel the full length of him. Her impatient fingers scrambled for the edge of his shirt, rather clumsily yanking it untucked. It was hard to focus in this moment.

Kaidan hoisted her up again, pulling her from the wall. It had to be getting uncomfortable by now and this was beginning to lead somewhere that they would want a soft surface. Mary's soft sigh a clue to her disappointment, but this lack of uninterrupted privacy was nothing new to the couple. It was impossible to have tryst tucked away aboard a fully staffed warship. They were lucky she had the captain's quarters, here he had his room. Funny to be bringing her here after all this time. Still, he hoped for the chance to make love to her in a place that belonged to both of them- no hiding, throwing clothes about wherever they pleased. He wanted that kind of home for her. This line of hopeful thinking keeping his head above water as they struggled to get the Normandy airborne again, and later when he labored to reconnect a relay to get back to Earth.

She brought into a room that had been well perused in the wee hours of the night. It felt too bold to enter in the light hours, such an escapade better left for hours suited to the endeavor. The books and posters lining his wall were a backdrop as she was lowered to the bed, velvety lips followed along her neck. But first, she was owed a shirt, grasping for the garment before he gave it up with a chuckle. Slowly he worked it off, tantalizing her with flashes of skin and the rolling of his hips. Whipping it off with a self-satisfied smile, irritated she pulled him forward with her legs.

Kaidan landed with his arms on either side of her, nuzzling his nose into the side of her ear gently pulling the flesh of her lobe. If Mary weren't already impatient, this would do her in. Try as he might to slow her down, she had never proven to be anything but impatient when it came to sex. He'd have to teach her. She was already moving to tear the T-shirt and sports bra from her torso, craving the feel of his skin. Shepard yearned for touch. A byproduct of years she had spent without it on several occasions. To help, his thumbs hitched into her pants, wrestling them from her. Lips quick to follow the line of her neck, his tongue dipped into the ravine of her collar bone before trailing down a flattened breast and to the ridges of her ribcage.

His hands proceeded his mouth, trailing along her sides before gripping into the flesh of her buttocks. The lean times she endured evident on her body, muscle and the soft layer around her was harsher, the angles jarring a reflexive frown. Kaidan didn't wish his disappointment to show, burying his face between her thighs.

She gripped uselessly at the sheets, her legs held pinned by his thick arms. She tried to dislodge him but he lingered in that sensitive spot working her until she stopped fighting him. Until her lips cried out his name, over and over again.

He lunged for her mouth, capturing it as their hands worked clumsily to release him. The beckoning of her curling body beneath him answered in short order with a fully hilted thrust. Now, Mary would allow him to take this at his own pace- but at the moment- his control slipped and already begged for release. He was more worked up than he thought. So much for savoring the moment of reuniting with the woman that entangled his soul- or was it all the dreaming of this moment? Months in the vain hope he could hold her again, and the months of dreams her demise haunted. They taunted him with the one he could never have again.

His release was quick.

She was held until her breathing slowed, his weight comforting as it pressed against her. The gentle nuzzling of his forehead and chaste ghosting of his lips over her scars lulling her into a false promise of sleep.

"Hey, hey," he rumbled, pulling her eyes to him, "how about a bathroom visit, and I'll meet you back here in five?"

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Little had changed about Kaidan; the goober still insisted that she hydrate. Better yet, his hands roamed her back, connecting freckles at random with the tip of his finger. His hot breath trickled down her spine and over her traps, the warmth that emanated from him his proximity. His brown eyes flickered up to meet her eyes.

"Yes?" he would likely insist she keep drinking.

Kaidan was still predictable, but with a caveat, "not my most impressive performance."

Jane reached back, pulling up his jaw with a finger, "hush," giving him a peck on the cheek before taking another pull from the glass.

"So, blonde?"

"So help me, if you make one joke-"

"I had a good one about a blonde walking into Afterlife and-," Kaidan chuckled deeply, bowing out to her narrowing pupils, "I like it. It suits the pooh bear PJ wearing Mary, I know."

Was she that person anymore? That name wasn't familiar, it vaguely registered as her own, but something in the connection was lost—the static pulsed at the edges of her brain.

"What are you thinking?" his lips pressed against the junction of her collarbone and shoulder, snapping her out for a moment.

Jane was terrible for wanting to run, but she couldn't voice that now. Not with the amber eyes that probed her gently, she didn't deserve them, "that you're warm."

He grinned, "finish your water, and then you can scooch closer."

She downed the glass with a flourish and half-bow, the Major pulled her into him playfully. Sweeping her into the cradle of his body- Shepard didn't need the protection but he liked to imagine he could still offer it to her. He worried for her; his Mary felt less like herself. Less of herself. Not just in mass but in the spirit behind her eyes. She was emptier, damaged in a way that wasn't familiar. Previously she had handled every setback so well, but now she seemed so frail. Different. As much as he wanted to, ringing it out of her did not seem fair. Not when he was delighted to have her back. Admittedly the whiplash of suddenly holding into her again was still churning within his psyche; it was all so quick. He feared that she would slip away.

That it was another fantasy.

Waking up and grasping empty sheets, Kaidan questioned his memory.

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Take Me Home Now: Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten: Another Mother's Breakin'

Set after the events of ME3.

A rewrite. Ao3.

FemShepxKaidan

"Jane."

The recruit let the knocking go on for a third round, slowly shaking herself from the rickety cot. While these digs were nothing as fancy as the bunk back at the mall, the privacy was a paradise. Blank, dull, metal-lined walls were a price she was willing to pay over the colorful and plant-lined walls of the barracks. The humming noise of life rebuilding, no she belonged in the silence.

"Jane." This time her name was a statement, backed by a hint of threat.

"Just a moment," she groaned, rubbing the crust from the inner corners of her eyes, pushing sore muscles upright and forcing a shirt over her head but allowing it to fall at its own pace. Her pupils narrowed at the sudden influx of light filling her half of the crate, "morning?"

Helen looked her up and down, that damned frown a returning friend, "you should put a comb through that hair."

"For fuck's sa-"

The woman made a sudden jerk, but it stopped with a simple raising of her arm, brushing aside a fallen lash, "language, dear."

"Sorry," Jane's eyebrows narrowed, had she forgotten she was not a child, "why are you here?"

"Because we are going out."

"Don't I have three more days?" Jane returned.

The older woman in a rare admittance of defeat sighed, offering back a raised eyebrow, "you're well aware that was a ruse."

"I knew it!" she didn't.

"Yes, let's be proud that you are stubborn as they warned," Helen retorted with a hint of a smirk, "but you should be ready. I'm not going to let you slide and get breakfast, either!"

Yes, this encampment was a military installment, but it gave no reason to ready herself with the rest of the soldiers. Since Rahna had given up on her she did little to get out of her bunk. So far, her secret remained, but pushing it by becoming a regular around camp seemed too big of a risk. Evelyn gave her some reason to get out, but the kid quickly found friends. Within days she was no longer needed, though the shit still visited at least once a day that prodded her into some form of semblance. The lack of duties cemented her decision to remain secluded, bidding her time with the running videos in her head.

"So why me?" Jane pressed once they cleared the base by a few thousand meters, pulling the ration bar from her mouth.

The woman's dark eyes turned cross, "and don't you waste those rations."

"You'll never want them again after fresh produce," Jane murmured, swallowing down the bland brick of nutrition in three bites.

"The second reason for coming out here," Helen handed over a pistol, "fresh meat and pest removal."

"You know, someplace on Illium would sell Varren skewers as a delicacy," Jane overlooked the pistol with a grin, "man, could that krogan grill up a mean varren skewer."

"The pistol is back up; you should use biotics. No stunts," she warned without heed of her companion's previous comment.

"I'm a paragon of caution," Jane mumbled in response, deciding then it was best to follow after the woman in silence. Pausing only as her leader stopped.

"No stunts," a finger waggled at her, "that kid and her grandfather want you back, and I intend to see that through, despite your best attempts."

Jane giggled, "the LT would love that one."

"Dismiss it all you like, whinge that someone cares about your sorry hide," the woman spat, "you're being selfish. Everyone is hurting if you haven't noticed."

Jane's face drew blank, "while it's true, doesn't it feel better to be pissed off? To be angry that everything is changed? Fuck everyone else. I'm hurting." She looked over the horizon, directly into the blue beam that connected to the Citadel. It seemed so tiny from here, so insignificant.

Helen's gaze followed Jane's gaze, "trying to remember how much worse it could be rarely helps."

"I like to make myself feel better by telling myself that I'm angering out of grief; it's one of the stages, right? But what is there after it? I don't want to let it go and accept my world is gone," Jane's voice mellowed to a whisper, "acceptance is terrifying. It means you have to move forward."

They shared a silent moment together, connecting with a brief touch—neither alone as they thought.

"Who did you lose?"

"My heart."

"Who did you lose?"

"...my heart."

Horizon- Horizon was an awkward fumbling in the dark. An overhanded display The Illusive Man decided to lord over her. He knew her strings and just how to pluck them to make her dance to his tune. Pulling Kaidan into the entire mess with the Collectors was a threat. But as messy and powerless as the knowledge of what the Illusive Man would take from her was the undercurrent of hope. It was foolish to be caught up in the giddy excitement of returned love, But Kaidan loved her. The first confession and bitter tug on her heart. She should have told him then.

Mars- Mars was just as awkward. Running, sliding, and dodging bullets after months of being cooped up in a small apartment awaiting trial. Sideways glances, and a Major who wouldn't stop dogging her every step. He questioned, prodded, and accused her of terrible things. Granted, she well deserved it. He was so close, so in sync as if the years were mere minutes... yet the distance between them was a canyon wide. But the Major loved her, even if it was once upon a time. A lighthearted exchange broke some of the tension, but she still should have told him then.

The Citadel- "What's up" had to be the lamest greeting after an armed standoff. Not a clasping hug, not a gentle smile, instead she vocalized her worry that he was angry. She hadn't taken the shot at Udina, and she had made Kaidan make that impossible decision. To trust her word, to trust an ex-terrorist. It was too much to ask of anyone- but now she was someone he was in love with. Not a past tense, a was, but a current thing. Still, she fumbled, asking him to let her have it and killing any hope of a romantic reunion. Her stolen glances at his backside caught in the act gave him a sheepish glance away and not the confession he was owed.

The Citadel Pt. II- After a shamelessly little amount of convincing, she had found herself in a dress. It was supposed to be simple- a snack on the Citadel. But she had hoped for more, the flirting, the longing stares, compliments, and a little bit of girlish enthusiasm from Kaidan she dared to think they had a chance. It was the first 'I love you' the extra 'I always have' sending her heart fluttering into erratics that she fought to control, lest she make a scene. The graze of his tender lips against her palm relinquished any grasp she had left on that errant heart, the thundering of the heartbeat clouding her brain. The jealousy the rest of her skin felt for her palm stealing another confession.

2181 Despoina- Kaidan would always rue his attraction to adventurous women. Not the woman, but the spark that drove him there. She was always at risk; her daily amount of adventure qualified as a heroic event for most other citizens of the galaxy. For her, it was a normal Tuesday night. But still, he worried, and still, he continued to love her for the constant stress she brought him. Loved her recklessness because it was as much part of her as her freckles. In the wordless hours of the night, his grip always tighter after a harrowing encounter, she was silent.

The Normandy- Neither of them wanted a quick drink. It was a little silly, after all these years, after all his confessions, to still feel insecure about inviting Kaidan up to her cabin. Instead of being direct, he invented the excuse of a short drink to see her. To comfort each other- when they both knew they needed it. Everything felt so final, the end a ticking bomb, an end to the short time they had together. She found strength in him, a safety in knowing she had someone that would catch her. He loved her openly and proudly. He loved her without needing the words returned.

London- It was unreal, after three years finally approaching the finish line. Loss and love in equal measure. Now, it was time for her to go it alone. It was unnatural, and she fought against the notion. She didn't want to be alone- not at the end. Not after this blissful glimpse into the way love had brightened every facet of her being. Kaidan would gladly face a bitter end with her, going arm in arm to meet Garrus at the bar. But it was a fucked kind of love that pushed her to make him leave. The same love that screamed at him to get the hell off the Normandy, the love that now albeit gently pleaded with him to live. It wasn't a roar or a cry of victory but a rumble- a tender declaration. Kaidan knew, even if it took him repeating his love a thousand times over. Six was a good number, short. The heart knew it was needed.

"So refresh my memory," Jane questioned in a whisper, trying not to draw the entire den of Varren upon them at once, "just how many we are planning on bringing back?"

"Are you that keen on vaporizing them all?"

"I certainly can."

"Wouldn't that defeat one of our goals?"

"Well, I don't think you accounted for the transportation of a Varren," Jane noted, looking behind them at the lack of vessel to transport said game.

Jane was ignored with a huff, the woman peering around a blockade, "I want that one."

Jane took a look, the brown striped specimen had to top the list of heaviest varren she had seen, "seriously?"

"Yes. Jane."

"Aye, Aye, Ma'am."

There wasn't time for a seething look or the smarmy reply that would have followed. The creature floated, air-bound as if the weight of the animal defied gravity. It kicked at the air, unable to stop itself from moving toward the barrier that blocked the scent of view of its hunters. Jane yanked her hand forward, dragging against the invisible weight. It felt good, if not for the shred of panic that she might lose time again. The tell-tale sign of blood was not forthcoming.

The blast of sound ricocheting through the plaza quickly overcame any remaining fear.

"Whatever you do, do not approach these things," the recruit barked, yanking the older woman into the corner spot, "they will overwhelm you if they get close."

"Aye, Aye, Ma'am."

The pack burst from all corners, running full boar in the direction of their fallen packmate. Several running members fell in the chaos, while a line of biotic energy sent the group careening into nearby walls and structures. For what inexperience was worth, Helen held up well, keeping up trained focus on the beasts. The old lady had precision aim, wasting hardly a clip during the charge. Jane didn't have to pick up much slack. Now, if there were a third member, everything would be peachy.

The square was silent for a count of three before a single varren cried out loudly.

The alpha was on scene.

While she had not promised to keep from committing to a hair-brained stunt, biotic shockwaves and lifts were boring. A teenage biotic could perform these moves without a sweat, a N7 needed a challenge. She needed the thrill. Blue waves coalesced and pulsed around her form, the familiar vibration against her skin pleasurable. A fluid vault over the barrier propelling her charge into the lone Varren, sending it toppling from the blow. Jane dove for it, pummeling it with blasts of biotic energy until her knuckles bled.

This was no longer a stunt but a method of release.

"Seems those biotics are back online," Helen murmured, wiping something from her eyes.

Jane cocked her head, "where'd you learn to shoot?"

"That? Oh. I thought they'd go out like a coyote."

The blonde smirked, dismounting the alpha's corpse, wiping her fists against a clean portion of the animal's hide. Nothing from Tuchanka went down quietly.

Helen stood over her prize, after a long minute she looked at Jane expectantly, "aren't you going to grab that?"

"Your trophy, your struggle," Jane folded her arms in return, a sly grin crossing her face, "besides, by the way we snuck out of that base, I don't need any more blame for this... what would you call this, stunt?"

"We did not sneak-" but the woman's face betrayed her guilt.

"Yeah, it's normal procedure to hop a barricade at the precise moment the guard changed," Jane knew a thing or two about sneaking out. She'd even stolen a ship twice.

Helen didn't have to struggle with the corpse long before Jane took pity on the woman; she had an unfair advantage anyway. Genetic enhancements, bone grafting, and a little biotic lifting. Unfortunately, she would still be sore when they got back to base.

"Why the need to sneak out anyway? I'm sure you could have roped anyone into helping you," Jane was under no illusion that the woman had any particular like for her, if anything, the woman looked at her with increasing scrutiny.

"None of them would dare."

"Oh?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Jane understood the sentiment completely.

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Take Me Home Now: Chapter Five

Chapter Five: All My Memories Gather 'Round Her

Set after the events of ME3.

A rewrite. Ao3.

FemShepxKaidan

He ruffled her hair.

Again.

It was a mistake letting her hair grow back out, now clocking back in at impressive two inches Jane was growing used to the platinum blonde locks. Sure, there were some off-handed comments, but a stern attitude dissuaded most of the direct jokes. Well, for most, it did. Roy was always an exception when it came to her.

Annoying geezer.

But was it a sense of direction or trust that guided her to follow through his every command? It was true Jane had been wary at first- she had seen first hand what the power of being made a defacto leader could do to someone. Abuse, rape, and murder. Here, at least for the time being, Roy kept his head. Even begrudged the position. Not that he shared it pubically, only mentioning it in passing to her, but she understood the burden all the same. Jane had lived it: rejected it. It was a strange sense of comfort to follow, better that the man leading was becoming a dear...

She couldn't; she had to reject that notion.

"I know you're there."

The whir of the door a dead giveaway when it came to being followed. Jane's hypervigilance had only increased with her time spent outside active combat. Sure, she still found herself battling at least on a biweekly routine, but it was nothing compared to her time on the Normandy. That person spent more time in cover than under covers.

The mousy-haired girl stared up at her, brown eyes hard and unyielding. Hell, this kid was scary.

"Do you need something, Evelyn?"

The girl harrumphed, "what are you doing?"

Leave it to the lady carrying a dying plant around to be the most suspicious thing going on in the compound, "Spectre business."

Evelyn's, not Eva's, glare worsened. Her cheeks and nostrils flaring.

"What are you doing?" Jane replied in the same smarmy tone.

"My job," she returned matter-of-factly, "even if I don't like it, and even if Papa says you are sick."

"What, are you like, three? You don't have a job."

"Seven. And yes I do! Pater gave me one," the kid smirked, sticking out her tongue.

"And what's that? Being precocious?"

"Pre- what?" Evelyn stammered.

"Being a shit," the swear already escaped before it could be altered. Thus, reinstating the belief that children did not belong around her in any capacity.

Her furrowed brow gave way to a secretive smile, "Pater said someone needed to watch you. Seems stupid, but Papa said we all have to do things we don't want to right now."

Of course, Roy would.

"You're weird," the girl stated plainly, "your face is kinda glowy, and you spend a lot of time with those aliens."

Back on Earth, it wasn't hard to forget that First Contact was a meer thirty years ago. Not that it was blame for their attitudes, but most of the humans had a hard time trusting the aliens. It was only made worse when the squadron of Turians joined them, piling them on top of the loud and aggressive Krogan; most of the natives were uncomfortable. Already the Turians and Krogan had old beefs to settle, and the dash of human fear for the Turian species quickly started a lopsided triangle. At least the Krogan adage of 'seek the enemy of your enemy, and you will find a friend' came to the humans and krogan developing a tenuous alliance.

"Those aliens are nothing to be afraid of," Jane chided gently.

The kid neither gave up nor responded, instead following the woman through the hall and into the open atrium. The place had boomed in population, the mall teeming with signs of life that would have echoed its days before the war. Voices, distant music, and the general clatter of movement greeting them from outside the confines of the sealed hallways. Once Jane could walk through here without watching a step, now she dodged other people, weaving through the crowd with ease and speed intended to dislodge her charge.

Evelyn was spry, knocking into the lady as she unexpectedly stopped. She peeked around her, watching as the red Krogan started to cheer loudly. Another alien, smaller and with a grey carapace charged at his elder, the two rather than colliding ended the charge with a weird arm hold. For a moment, the two crests rested against each other, sharing a few soft and private words.

Even weirder was The Recruit, looking over the scene sadly, a hand held over her heart. Her jaw flexed, another sharp and illuminated line flaring vertically up her cheek—another note to add to the log.

"They look so mean," Evelyn complained, unsure why Jane would be watching this sadly. It was frightening, to her they were great brutes that usually ended up destroying something.

"They really aren't," Jane countered softly, a slight crack in her voice, "if one gives you an attitude, a head butt will set them straight."

She did like that this grown-up did not treat her like a child, unlike the rest.

Both of them tensed at the appearance of a green-shelled krogan; the arrival of the male ended the short embrace between the red and grey one. Then, as usual, the aliens returned to their fierce and violent natures, turning the greeting into a shoving contest.

"Don't fu-," the adult caught herself this time, "leave him alone. He's trouble."

Jane strode forwards, picking up her pace. It was no longer weaving through the crowd, as so much a straight charge across the atrium and to the access corridor that leads to the western parking lot- deciding they wanted to stay out of the way for practicality and ease. The Turians chose to take up the ramp as their headquarters. And this is where Jane headed for her errand.

Yeah, make me, make friendly with the Turians. Screw that they respect the chain of command more than a friendly face, all arguments Jane had tried in vain against the LT to get out of this assignment,  watch me fuck this up over a plant. Jeez, why not let them grow their own garden? Fuck if I know what I am doing.

But he did have one counterargument that made complete sense and was entirely of her own fault. She was the known member of the humans in residence to have any formal diplomatic training. She was still kicking herself for that slip of knowledge.

"You should head back home," she murmured to her back, "boring adult stuff. You won't miss much."

The baggy military rags were not enough protection from the spring chill, but she would press on. Clipping up the three-story climb to reach the perched Turians. The 'outpost' could overlook the entire mall with well-placed postings, which the military-minded turians had already accomplished within hours of selecting this area as a base of operations. The forward guard used to seeing the Recruit hardly blinked, only balking in their subtle way at the package tucked into her arms.

"Recruit," the LT wasn't the only one called by their moniker, the pinkish hued Turian gave something equivalent to a grin eyes wandering down to the plant the human carried, "another issue?"

Jane pushed the plant on the turian, "pretty much. I don't know shit about these plants."

"I grew herbs in my kitchen, I'd guess too much sunlight?"

"Makes as much sense as anything else. We've learned they can't be next to potatoes, now they hate the sun," Jane glanced down at her arms, "and I forgot to wear gloves. That's disappointing- I had plans for those hands tonight."

Silva's mandible vibrated, "there are other ways to relieve tension."

So begun the dance. It always started clean, water running over her arms, a quick quip about the luxury of running water, and the application of ointment. The all too gentle rub of talons across the top of her knuckles, a lingering glance Jane couldn't quite bring herself to notice, and finally a cocky declaration of future victory.

The Commander enjoyed the relaxed regulations of the Turian military, not that Alliance would have ever forbidden forbidden a friendly sparring match it felt much better to let off some steam without fear of repercussion. One didn't have to play nice. Fringe pulling, blows below the belt, untamed aggression was all too welcome in the turian fighting cage. While today wasn't a dirty fight day, Jane was all too eager to move.

Silva made the first jab, and the Recruit absorbed it with a smile.

"The LT is going to have my head one of these days," the Turian went in for the next blow, this time the human dodged, "I'm even going soft on you."

"Come on, Shepard," Garrus mocked, weaving below her fist, "stop dancing around."

Roy didn't appreciate the fighting, even after learning they were all in good sport. The punishment of latrine duty was now part of her chores, for how much she heeded his grumbling. He blamed the bruises for too many things- headaches, sideways glances, the lack of respect she commanded for herself. Why did he care? She never asked, never expected it. But he never told her to stop, so she wouldn't.

"I can't always make it take easy on you, Vakarian," Mary retorted, sweeping out her leg to purchase at a braced turian.

The female turian's claws grasped into her arm, but she was ready, twirling around and planting her elbow into a painfully rigid chin sending the offender reeling back a couple of steps, "that's one advantage of an exoskeleton."

"Or are we afraid to bruise our pretty face in case the Major struts on by," Garrus teased, barely inching past the biotically charged fist going for his scarred mandible, "unless he doesn't know about our little fight club?"

"At least I can roll."

"I wouldn't worry, Shepard," if the Turian were human, his eyebrow would be cocked and a flashy grin across his face, "it's so much better when they are angry."

The turian cackled; today the hits were much easier to connect. Or was the human not trying? She could be like that, destructive. Silva kept the hits low and softened the severity in which she delivered them. Jane struggled to keep her hands where they belonged, one threading and rubbing through her hair each time they disconnected to reset their stances.

"Like I care what the M-" her friend's stern glare shut her down, "don't jealous Gar-Gar."

Jane tumbled to the ground, nose trickling the strange red color. It was time for this fight to be over, the human shook underneath her grasp. But the too expressive species wore a brave face, "Jane."

"Two hundred years later, and still nobody talks about fight club," Mary after close inspection, did notice that the Major strutted, "I'm disappointed I wasn't invited." The handsome human specimen winked at the Commander, his sideways grin all-knowing.

"It's fine, probably enough for the day."

The female moved out of her grasp, turning around to wipe at her face. Silva pretended not to notice Jane went for her eyes first.

"Well, that was quick," the turian was a little disappointed, "you're different for a human."

Jane deaned to turn her head back for that comment, cocking an eyebrow at her, "you must not have left Palaven, or whatever your colony was, much."

"No, ma'am," the turian hesitated, "at least, the rest of your group doesn't seem interested in us."

"How would you feel if this was Palaven?"

Her mandibles vibrated.

"Now add your species being attacked thirty years ago by this species you suddenly have to get along with," Jane smiled softly, she was too harsh, "plus we're a bunch of cranky jerks."

Silva laughed deeply, "and add a war that has crippled an entire galaxy, it is a wonder we aren't all fighting."

"It's the krogan," Jane mused.

"Spirits bless, the krogans being the most level-headed."

"After Tuchanka, they probably feel at home," damn her words, "it was the Salarians all along."

"I mean, that's some deep level conspiracy, but it checks out," her companion tried to keep up the fading mood.

"Just give us some time; we're people of action only that really means something," to which race the words were meant for was moot.

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Take Me Home Now: Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen: Country Roads, Take Me Home

Set after the events of ME3.

A rewrite.

FemShepxKaidan

"Hey Shepard," Kaidan smiled broadly, shuffling over to a side table, "there you are."

"In my apartment?" Mary teased. Appreciating the cable knit sweater Kaidan sported. It was a little tacky, white and covered with blue reindeer, but she loved the gaudiness.

Her obvious comment dismissed with the wave of a hand and the rolling of his eyes, "if we're done sassing, I brought you something."

"Not up for it today, Alenko?" It was no longer necessary to refer to each other by sir names, but it became a game. Once one started, the other joined in. Competition didn't deter Mary from approaching the biotic, glancing over his shoulder on tiptoes.

His jump wasn't expected, "I'm always up for it, Shepard, but you are being a little difficult." Kaidan's head tilted back and over his shoulder, leaving Mary to take the initiative.

Mary closed the distance with a chaste peck, leaving her jaw to rest on his shoulder, brushing against his back. They had forced their relationship to rebuild slowly over the months, no explosive sex, no sleepovers... just lots of talking. Sharing. Opening up about things they never had the time to talk about and the time after the Reaper War. It was a strange kind of intimacy when she let her arms encircle his waist, a test of what they would both accept.

"Difficult? I'm not sure what I've defied yet," her gaze briefly wandered to the package in his hands, "is something up?"

Kaidan chuckled, pressing his lips against her skull, "maybe I'm striking preemptively; you never know. But I have something you for- my mom made it so be nice."

She yoinked the package from him, falling ass-first onto her bed before she tore impatiently into the package. Out tumbled another sweater, a plain grey turtleneck with a doubled-up cuff. Best of all, it was huge, Kaidan likely playing a part in that. Mary grinned up at him, "this is nice."

"Well, hurry up and put it on," he urged.

Mary took her turn at the eye-rolling, "for what, Alenko? Yes, Canada is cold, but I'm inside."

"What if we're not staying inside?"

"Really, Alenko?" she half whined, but it was a show. She was excited to go outside, it was starting to snow and she felt restless.

"Come on! Let us celebrate your official release, I had to convince everyone else that breaking you out was grounds for war. Something about assaulting an Alliance Base being a terrible idea..." his grin widened, "though, Garrus had some solid plans."

"Fine," Shepard didn't fight the grin as she wrestled on the sweater. It was much bulkier than she expected, even the sleeves far too long, and the neck threatened to swallow her face. She let it rest below eye level, lumbering over to Kaidan.

The pure silliness emanating from the woman tugged at his heart; this was a much different person from the Officer that commanded the Normandy.

His hands took her face, lowering the fabric to kiss her gently, "looks good, Shepard."

"It might be a bit big."

He caught her eyes wandering to the sweater he wore and his chuckle escaped," you'll have to ask."

"You didn't," her face turned brighter under his touch, only the trace of a scar left along her jawline.

It was another game they had played aboard the Normandy- as high school as taking your lover's clothing was, Mary found simple pleasure in it. In the privacy of her cabin, it was comfortable to wear something a few sizes too large and his subtle smell on the clothing made it better. She'd pretend to steal an article of clothing here and there, or he'd forget to take something with him. Kaidan enjoyed occasionally finding her wrapped up in his shirt and her signature pooh bear PJ shorts. It was a rare human moment for the Commander- Captain, hopefully, less rare in the future.

"That's stealing," she harrumphed.

Kaidan retook her lips, she froze for a moment from the surprise but eagerly complied. God, he loved this woman.

"And I can't have you going out looking that hot," she murmured on his lips, "we'll just have to trade."

"A little possessive there-," he pulled the sweater off, revealing his shirtless form, "at least take me to dinner first."

She was a little distracted but followed suit, tearing her gaze away, "I know a place with steak."

"Heh. Now, now that is how you butter me up."

"Kaidan," Mary faltered on three beats, "this look better?"

Those weren't the three words he expected, "beautiful as ever, Mary." He carefully trained his gaze on her pretty blue eyes, watching them sparkle brighter for a second. She wouldn't acknowledge the compliment, but it was her favorite.

"Where we going?"

A classic Shepard deflection.

"You did mention steak."

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

With full bellies, Kaidan guided them through the decorated square. Christmas music drifted gently from all directions mixing with the sounds of life. Deep laughter, feet on fresh snow, and the wafting smells emanating from the food stands. Mary grew a little quiet, so he gently took her hand.

"Is this too much?"

She shook her head, "I just remembered what tomorrow is."

He nodded, December eleventh, the day of the final push on the Reapers. Three years from the day, there was a lot to mourn and as much to celebrate. Mary just struggled to remember the latter, often caught in the sacrifices made to get to and on that day.

"Do we need to head back?"

Mary shook her head.

"You sure."

"It's fine," the smile was only a little forced, "just let me center."

"Sit down, and I'll be right back."

"Really-"

"Mary, please."

"I don't want to ruin-"

"You're not, but sit."

The Captain sighed heavily but parked her ass on a bench. Distracting herself as she studied a nearby pine tree all decked up in lights. The bright blue lighting of the home fabrication building. Watched the people walk by, comforted in a moment of invisibility to let the knot in her chest loosen. It was too much to expect it to disappear, but it could be made less heavy. If life could return to normal for all these people, it could for her.

The Major returned with two paper cups, steam rising from the vent, "drink."

"I'm pretty full."

"Just drink. It will help you focus on something else," his frown grew a smidge.

Her mouth was met with sudden sweetness; hot chocolate was not her jam, even when seasoned with cinnamon. Kaidan seemed satisfied, even if she grimaced.

"Mary, I just-"

"Kaidan," her interruption hinted with exasperation, "is something up?"

He reeled, forcing out a grumbling chuckle, "what do you mean?"

"You've been acting a little strange."

"I mean," he rubbed at the back of his neck, eyes pinned on the ground, "hell, Shepard. Can one part of this relationship be normal?"

"You didn't have to drag me out here just to break up with me," her voice came out small.

"No- I'm not," he suddenly turned to look at her, running a finger along a cheek and rested it on her lip, gently taking up her chin. Once his drink was in no danger of spilling her held her other hand, "that's the last thing on my mind. It's the future. Mine. Yours. "

"I feel like I am missing something."

His smile drooped, and his head turned away, staring straight into the building in front of them, "what do you want, Mary?"

Freedom was a hell of a thing. After spending so much time in duress, were forging forward for the future was the only option. That freedom was foreign, alien. Her career had also taken a lot of her choice, and she was content with that life. Now, with her field wide open, she didn't know how to run. Her family would be scattered, irrevocably. If she stayed with the Alliance, could she be with Kaidan? If she didn't retire from the Spectre life, her priorities were further in shambles. Mary didn't want to return to further solitude, making her way without companionship and connection. But the thought of returning to active duty terrified her- she had seen and caused enough bloodshed for one person. So much seemed in question. In reality, it was hard to admit what she wanted—a peaceful place to return home to more often than not.

Her time aboard the Normandy had been the closest to calling anything home since Mindoir, almost twenty years ago.

Did Kaidan want that with her? That was the biggest hurdle, deciding to start that process alone and hoping he caught up... if that is what he wanted. She knew her name wouldn't give her all the time in the world to delay a decision.

It hardly helped that the biotic didn't look at her, completely removed from her in all ways. The tangle in her heart spread into her throat, pathetically as it echoed; nowhere would really feel like home without him. Not for a long time anyway. As challenging, heartbreaking, and frustrating her time with Alenko had proven to be-, he had remained stable. A solid foundation.

"You," the word spat out, "I still love you and-"

The Shepard bravery only went so far with emotions, her hand stopping inches from his thigh. It was a boundary she was afraid to cross. She was already too bold.

Kaidan's gaze left the building, returning suddenly to her. Mary retracted only to be stopped by Kaidan yanking both of them from the bench, pulling her tightly into his arms. His nose nuzzling her cheek before moving to her ear, a hand cradling the base of her skull, "I've always loved you, through all these years, through..." his voice a whisper, "through everything. I'm the luckiest man alive. I don't know where all of this will go- our careers, our lives, but I want to be with you. No matter how slow I have to take things. If that's a no, or a not yet, I promise it won't hurt me."

Mary titled her head and furrowed her brows, a no?

Kaidan chuckled, his belly rolling as the laughter overtook him. Forcing him to step away from her, needing his forearms to counteract his balance as he crumpled inward.

"Kaidan?"

Shepard watched him compose himself with growing impatience, arms folding tightly across her chest. Whatever joke she was the butt of, it wasn't funny. Not now.

"Mary," Kaidan's voice turning to the graveled cadence that made her tummy flutter. The man closed the distance between them again, turning her body in the direction of the storefront, "you don't have to decide now. We don't have to go in, and you can even tell me to get lost."

Oh. OOH.

The home fabrication company. The home fabrication company she had been sitting in front of for the last several minutes.

"Kaidan..." it must have been the snow prickling at the corner of her eye.

"Shepard, Mary- I can't promise to know what happens next. I just- I just want a place for both of us. I have some property and I thought... hoped that it could," he took in a steadying breath, the pressure of his hands a somewhat uncomfortable, "that we could make it our own. Somewhere soft for us to land, whenever we can make the time."

"Or as much as possible?" Mary pivoted, hooking her fingers into his pockets, "we could both quit, everything! Retire and watch every sunset!"

Kaidan stole a kiss, "I'm not sure the Shepard I know could sit still that long."

"You'd have the time to teach me," Mary kept him close, practically grinning into his mouth.

"You know, I think I'd have better luck potty training Kalros," Kaidan mused, wisely knowing what Thresher Maw Mary could handle mention of, "but I think I get your meaning. You'll try to stick it out with me?"

"I can handle an outdated L2."

"Outdated!? Ouch."

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

"Everyone would understand if this is too much," Kaidan murmured beside her, "and if you want company, I'd rather be with you."

Mary slowly turned to look at him, the flickering of the white string lights illuminating the contours of her face and the flash of annoyance in her eyes. That was fair, it felt like the millionth time he had beat around that bush. He wanted her to feel comfortable, to not push her into anything that might trigger a reaction. Yes, she could handle herself, but he had to ask. To make sure.

Kaidan had made sure springing the party on her wasn't an utter surprise. Spilling the beans shortly after they had left Alliance Headquarters. Shepard seemed genuinely excited, and he was hopeful; her time sequestered away had chipped at the edges exposed after the war. By all means, she had been cleared by the professionals, but that didn't mean complete freedom. He knew that from experience.

"Traynor better have brought along another bottle of Serrice Ice," she grinned, "Chakwas and I have our tradition to fulfill."

Mary grabbed his hand, pulling him another few steps through the snow and closer to his parent's place. Already it was lit up, and the drifting of music wafted over the otherwise quiet plot. She paused within casual eyesight of a window, watching the figures within with a soft sigh. Kaidan slowly put an arm around her waist.

The glitter of snow in her hair was beautiful.

"You were right," she said with a snort, "I found a way."

"I never doubted you," placing his lips firmly against her temple.

Her head tilted up at him, eyes drinking him in, "I have an answer to your question."

Kaidan waited.

"Jane was me, before the Alliance. My original name... before Toombs took pity on a Batarian's slave," Mary's glance softened, "I thought you deserved to know."

"If-"

"It's long dead and gone," Kaidan believed her, even if he burned with questions, "Alenko, I want to drink. To hug my friends again- I'm looking forward to my hangover tomorrow, so I have something else to be miserable about instead of the past. Maybe, even a tad excited to further disappoint your mother."

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Take Me Home Now: Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Sixteen: What's In Your Head

Set after the events of ME3.

A rewrite.

FemShepxKaidan

"So, I'm in the presence of the Commander Shepard?"

She snorted, politely forcing her eyes away from the beer he set on the side table. Focusing her sights out the large picture window, it was a nice day, so she had the glass door open onto the balcony. Roy already headed in that direction, leaning over the balcony.

"Nice view for a brig!"

"I'm not-," she huffed, of course, he was teasing, "it feels almost like the brig."

"But it's Captain Shepard now," her eyes rolled, "I suppose I should reintroduce myself. My name is Mary."

The name still felt thick in her mouth, she struggled to allow it to belong to her.

"Jane wasn't much better," Roy grumbled, looking over his shoulder and at the table, "you're still Recruit to me. Grab us a beer, and get out here."

"Aye, Aye Sir."

Mary slid beside him, taking in the view of the city under them. Her gaze found what she thought would be the direction of the Alenko residence. They drank quietly for several minutes, enjoying the silence.

"Am I getting that lecture now?"

The man snorted, "no, because I am one of those assholes that hoped you would come out of this alive. As Jane, as Mary."

It was Mary's turn to snort, "I was such an ass."

"A little," he let time drag out between his words, finishing half his beer in that time, "how did you manage to return to the Alliance after going MIA and walk out with two promotions?"

She grinned, elbowing the man, "you fucking- apparently commendable duty during a time of distress. I don't completely understand how they- I suppose." Her tone flipped, her head falling.

"Kid," it was like being called by her middle name, his shoulders drew, "you had problems, but everyone did. Everyone lost someone. The difference was when it mattered; you were there—doing what had to be done. Hell, I don't know why anyone looked up to me like I knew anything. Sure, some old Alliance training kicked in- but I was way in above my head. Setting up patrols, security, duty rosters- that wasn't me, that was you."

"I remember things differently."

Roy sighed before a half-laugh tumbled from his lips, "it all came that easy to you? I may have been the friendly face, but they knew you were the one running the show. Remember when that damn krogan attacked? Korvac didn't even bother with me, Wrex either. I was a useless old man," he flicked away her attempt to soothe him, "that's why everyone vouched for you."

Mary blushed, chugging down the rest of her beer, "I knew you had something to do with it."

"I really liked that Bailey guy," his amber eyes pointed at her until she met his gaze, "I would have liked to hear firsthand how you singlehandedly brought down the Illusive Man and restored the Citadel."

"That, that- that had hardly anything to do with me. I didn't know who he was, and he just attacked me. I just happened to throw him over a ledge and incapacitated him," Mary broke eye contact, staring at the empty bottle she rolled around in her hands, "the Keeper did most of the work. If you've heard anything honest about me- you'd know I'm shit with the technical side of things. I simply placed the spike."

"After jumping through the beam blind."

She shrugged, letting him grab the next round.

"Saving the Galaxy might have been a small part of it too."

Roy toasted to that.

"I owe you an apology for not coming clean. I should have, I just- I wasn't," Mary faltered again, her voice wavering, "it was wrong. Everything I was going through-"

He placed a hand on her shoulder, "I don't need an explanation. Or to hear why you acted the way you did. It's okay; you did what you could at the moment."

"What I could wasn't enough."

"How so?" he grasped that this wasn't about her time on Earth, not entirely.

She gestured out to the scarred city below them, luckily liquid did not spill from the bottle, "I should have made them listen better."

"You alone could force an entire Galaxy to listen to one person?"

Mary grunted, "but I could have saved more people. I'm sure you heard about the Alpha Relay mess. 304,942 Batarians. Thing is, I-"

"You what?"

"Part of me doesn't feel that sorry, watching those bastards kill my parents. My friends, everyone I knew- I," she shuddered, attempting to pull away from him, but he brought her in tighter, "did I not try hard enough because of my history?"

"That would be difficult for anyone," Roy kept his tone even, "but did you originally course the asteroid for the Relay? If you had not been there, would the same thing have happened? Worse, the Reapers would have gotten here earlier."

Mary was seeking condemnation. Hearing everything spat back at her with utter acceptance and truth was frustrating, almost patronizing at this point, "So I'm just freed from consequence? Because of some moral loophole? Letting morals get in the way of alliances and troops was worth it? Of allowing my love for the Krogan to be a wedge between the Salarians joining the war effort? It was all at the price of a simple lie. My distaste for Cereberus could have waited- I could have swallowed my pain, and maybe he wouldn't have gone looking for Reapers to give him answers.

It's all fucked, and I thought I was doing the right thing. But is sometimes doing the right thing, wrong? Like a friend said, 'Stand in the ashes of a trillion souls, and ask them if honor matters. The silence is your answer.' I could have saved more people. I should have swallowed my pride and done the smart thing!"

"You ever think the galaxy put too much of a burden on one person? You put too much of the burden on one person," Roy held her out at arm's length, trying to catch her eyes even if she would avoid it, "you learned an important lesson in all of this. Even the right actions have consequences. It won't make you feel better, but it's something to remember."

Mary sighed, deflating, "you're annoying."

She needed time to digest that, time to talk it out further.

"Right back at you, Recruit. You know how many of your friends I have been fighting off?"

"Can't be worse than the press, I'm glad they have me on lockdown." Her smile returned. Her messages must be going crazy, but she had to take reentry slowly. The constant evals and talking to counselors was enough to drive anyone mad. It was helpful but maddening. Mary couldn't deny she needed it to work out the guilt, disassociation, and convergence of indoctrination playing on her grasp of reality and the past.

It was more than she could handle when she was forced to take visits from councilors, delegates, and top military brass. Hackett could only stop so much. He wore out most of his favors during the war.

Her first interview, done after immense political and public pressure, had left her reeling for days.

"Tell them," her crew, her family, "I'm sorry. I just- I need more time."

With all her heart, Mary wanted nothing more but a happy reunion. To hug, dance, and cry with every single one of them. But seeing them all at once would be far too much to handle, and she didn't have the space to let herself ruminate (with guilt) over who she would allow back in first. With the flurry of her emotions so unpredictable, she had to wait. It tugged at her but it was for the best. Mary had to be selfish.

"I can pass that along," Roy smiled softly, finishing his second beer, "thanks for letting me visit. At least, I'm waiting patiently for the day you can be back with us. Evelyn, not so much."

"And Kaidan?"

"He's a little hurt. But hopeful."

Mary flinched, pulling her eyes closed tight, "if anything deserves you getting mad at me..."

"It's a cliche line, but loves makes us crazy."

"Tell him- I'm sorry too. That I'm working on it," she drew in her bottom lip, "feels stupid to say if this doesn't work out."

"He knows."

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Take Me Home Now: Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight: They Are Cryin'

Set after the events of ME3.

A rewrite. Ao3.

FemShepxKaidan

"Fuck."

It wasn't a painful awakening; she actually felt damn good. Clearer, like the tiny neurons in her brain fired without a jolt of pain. The sweet moment of clarity after the removal of an infected tooth. Bliss. If only a familiar face could loom over her, a happy embrace of the one she loved. A blissful reunion.

The aging woman who looked over her with a sour expression erasing her gratitude and any field of butterflies illusion. Along with the confusion of waking up in unfamiliar territory.

Right, she was dying just a moment before.

"Where am I?"

This sloppily white-painted interior was not part of the shopping center she recognized. The medical machine that counted out her vitals was also out of place, but that was a minute detail. Jane had woken up from the dead once already, just not inside of a shipping crate. Make that one low she had not yet met.

"Just outside of London," the woman's scowl relaxed, "you're with the Special Operations Biotic Company. Luckily for you, I understand you had a rattled implant."

Her hand was grabbed before she felt her spirits utterly bottom out, the woman's dark brown eyes peering out at her from behind black and white streaked hair. A moment of shared pain passed between them before Jane could not manage to keep up the contact, "how about the LT? My home?"

"The latter is in one piece. I'm not familiar with the person you speak of," the lady spoke gently, "you were rushed here after an injury. But let me introduce you to the person that saved your life, Doctor Balcan."

Jane's gaze shifted to the person arriving on the other side of her bed, the most beautiful creature she had ever beheld. Dark brown hair and eyes loomed over her; the soft smile set upon full brown lips looked perfectly primped without a touch of makeup. The simple doctor's smock hung perfectly on her body, the garment unable to smear an ounce of the poise this woman possessed. As the female nodded in greeting and her long lashes crested her cheeks, Jane was infected with jealousy.

"Thank you, Helen," even her voice was sweet, not in an artificial way, but in the vein of the sweetness of a ripe strawberry, "I think I can handle Jane for the moment if you wouldn't mind grabbing her meal."

The woman waited for Helen to leave before speaking again, "how long have your biotic powers been misfunctioning?"

"Since the Reapers fell," time was a funny thing to Jane anymore.

"Just shy of seven months," the minuscule movement of her eyebrow hardly seemed surprised, "though, I wasn't expecting to be fixing an L5n implant."

"Who else would be stupid enough to bullrush a krogan," any vanguard worth their salt knew how other biotics could view them. Rash. Stupid. Bullheaded.

"I think your stupid luck is what saved your life. You should have had severe seizures attacks, if not died from them, months ago."

Jane continued with a snarl, "but the mall. How... did everyone make it?"

"It was unkind of us not to tell you immediately, but only one civilian casualty," the doctor proffered a soft smile, "the Special Ops group got to your compound in time to repel the brunt of the attack. We had heard there was a pocket trying to rebuild; we just weren't sure if you were friendly, so the entire team did not come along. They had to rush you back here. The equipment is too fragile to move quickly."

She was even nice, gross.

"I was asked to pass on the message that you keep your ass down," at least the swear word brought her down from the utterly ethereal.

Jane's smile cracked, slightly painful against the cybernetic scars that littered her cheek.

"Your body is a curious piece of work; the sheer amount of upgrades and scarring at a microscopic level is fascinating," the woman pulled out her datapad, scrolling down what Jane assumed was a list of medical notes, "synthetic weaving to reinforce bones, microfibres in your muscles, synthetic skin fibres as well. I can't imagine the cost of that modified biotic amp."

Jane looked at her blankly, "you certainly poked around."

"Somebody wanted you alive," strawberry remarked, undeterred, "I'd think you're some sort of mad scientist experiment -that's a foolish notion. But I have my bets on Special Ops... N7."

Jane's eyes snapped into a glare, setting her jaw hard. Teeth grinding into her following biting statement, "don't attempt to bite off more than you can chew."

The woman returned the statement with tempered pity, lips tucked into a frown. The kickback from her calloused words came back twofold as a sharp pain seared across her orbital bone, requiring a hand to staunch the heat before it ended out in a cry. Jane should be thankful, instead, she was pissed. Most of the angst directed inward, some at the patheticness of the situation, little at the well-meaning doctor.

"Can I go?"

"I'll need you here for a couple more weeks minimum."

Fucking perfect.

The doctor continued before Jane's snarl turned into an attack, "you know you need to keep your biotics offline for a while. During that time, we can prepare to merge our groups as one. We'd like your help in escorting us back."

The last line was a platitude, but the LT's message made more sense. The guilt of their previous encounter started to trickle into her psyche before she squelched it away with a flinch, "any more orders, doc?"

"As you are The Commander, I think I should be deferring to you."

"Come again?"

The female laughed behind her hand, "it's obvious who you are. You may fool everyone else with the fancy scars, wilted demeanor, and blonde hair -which by the way, looks fabulous- but your unique physiology and enhancements give it away. I struggled with the thought briefly because how could the savior of the galaxy be here? You charged in with the strike team that went to activate the Crucible. But by God's grace, you're here."

"You can't be-"

Strawberry waved away the protest with her hand, "I'm more than some yokel surgeon. I don't get to be a spec ops field doctor without further training. You won't fool me."

"You bitch."

"Language, miss!"

The sharp crack of the older's woman's words snuffed the faint glow Jane had unconsciously started to accumulate. But it did not dim her glower, blue eyes pinned on the female tapping something into a datapad. Jane was still, frozen in the moment until the second snap of warmth from a small body clambering into her bed shook her from a blind stupor. The little hands and the mound of mousy hair looking at her with barely disguised disdain.

"But I already know those words," Evelyn murmured, only to increase the scrutiny Helen placed on her patient.

"Why are you-" the room immediately thickened with another aura, a solemn shake from the salt and pepper haired woman stopped her question, "are you here because Pater sent you?"

"It is my job," the girl declared bravely, "Pater said that I was to stop you from fighting with anymore krogan. Or just fighting."

"It was my fault, Evelyn...Helen," Strawberry squeaked, "I poked Mar- sorry, I meant Jane without telling her."

Jane's attention returned to the Doctor, pupils narrowing. That was no longer her name.

"I'll excuse it this time, Rahna," Helen's voice returned to a gentle timbre. Handing over the plate of rations, prepared in a manner that was meant to be appeasing. Simple rations that Jane was not thrilled to consume, "eat up. Biotics need energy. I've seen you guys crash before. I don't want you accidentally breaking something expensive."

Rahna.

Rahna...

Rahna.

The woman raised an eyebrow in her direction, plump lips playing into a smirk. Jane was had. Jealousy sunk deeper into her guts, bordering on hatred. How could Kaidan call her beautiful after seeing this divine creature? Beautiful on the Citadel. Beautiful after the first night they had bunked together. Beautiful every time they fucked after. Beautiful in the small moments. Beautiful in the big and the in-between. Had he meant Rahna all along?

"Two weeks."

"What now?" Jane snapped away from the grip of her thoughts.

Rahna crossed her arms, Evelyn giggled, and Helen spoke, "biotics."

"All of this commotion is probably a little too much for her, right now," Rahna cautioned to a sulking child, "let Jane eat in peace while I run a few more tests."

"Yup, super hungry," Jane murmured under her breath.

The patient's gaze did not stray from the Doctor, laser-focused on the slightest movement she made. Waiting for her to do something rash, her temper barely holding behind her tongue. Violent thoughts collided in her head, the desire to do something impetuous a string she had yet to completely cut. It was the easier way, the brutish way- but it was not the way Shepard did it. Shepard would resist, The Commander famously turned the other cheek. Chose kindness. Some of her could still seep through.

Even if it was in the form of stony silence.

"Why hide who you are? You are the one person who could reunite everyone."

A bloody icon. Hero. Butcher. Madwoman. Lover. Terrorist. Murderer. Savior. Pathetic.

"There's nothing to explain," a surly statement only dampened by a flinch, "I don't owe you anything."

"So, it wouldn't matter if I told everyone?"

Jane's silence was the answer.

"This is Major Alenko's squad, I'm sure everyone would be interested," Strawberry continued, placing her first foot away from the bedside, "Let alone you being Shepard, the Major's fling is a very juicy topic. I'm sure meeting the woman would be a top priority."

Rahna took several steps away, gliding out of the retrofitted container. Someone pulled her back, Jane regretted the breeze against her exposed backside. Luckily nobody seemed to pay them much mind in the moment.

"No," her eyes lit with tears, "don't. I can't."

Kaidan knew it was the end; Mary couldn't bring herself into accepting that. Luck. Stupidity. Credits. Spite. They had all stopped her death, had prevented her from reaching a low she could not climb out of. The brutal murder of her parents. Losing her unit on Akuze. Hell, even the deaths of friends during her campaign against the Reapers. They hurt like hell, but it never brought her to her knees. Now... in this moment. In the reality of losing Kaidan, she crashed. Tears, sobbing, railing against the ground. It was pathetic.

Was it the loss of her entire family aboard the Normandy, or just one man?

Dark brown eyes met her on her level, gentle the hint of moisture in her deep eyes, "everyone here mourns him."

"Fuck you."

Rahna laughed, offering out her hand and pulling the woman up to her feet, "I won't tell your secret, but I think you should talk to someone. We have-"

"No, nobody else."

"You know the risks of PTSD; you can't push through it."

"I'm fine."

Jane's stare hardened the emotions out-drying the tears riveting down her scarred cheeks.

"Or how about a deal, my silence for a few talks? Nothing official, just friendship."

She considered for several long moments, biting back each bitter comment that fought to come out. It wasn't the time for resistance. Talking wouldn't hurt, especially if it meant Rahna kept silent. What was she supposed to do for the next two weeks? Stare at the wall? Teach a child to swear? Avoid Kaidan's squad as much as humanly possible?

"Friendship may be pushing it."

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Duplicity

An AU where Kaidan joins Cerberus for the events of ME2.

Chapter Twelve: The Days Before

"And then..." Garrus paused, making sure he had everyone's rapt attention, "she faints."

"The Shadow Broker just fainted?" Jack questioned in disbelief.

Everyone beside Tali was in agreement with Jack until Kaidan's solemn nod backed the Turian.

"T'Soni was different back then, hardly spoke a word," Garrus's mandibles vibrated, "other than 'by the goddess'."

"She was just shy, Vakarian," the quarian admonished.

"And you hid away in the engines. Much like you do now."

"Says the guy constantly calibrating the guns," Jacob called out.

"Coming from Push-ups McGee, that's rich," Jack retorted.

Joker took a shot from the island, "says the scary spider living in the basement."

"Or the pilot that never leaves the cockpit," Thane muttered.

"Heh heh heh," Grunt cackled.

"How am I supposed to defend myself against the terminally ill guy," Joker whined, "yeah, yeah, we're all a little reclusive."

"I'll toast to that," Kaidan raised his glass, "team introvert!"

The resounding toast was silent, but all glasses raised.

The mood was somber, past the gayety the team tried to present. In the morning, the ship's crew would install the Reaper IFF, kicking them off the Normandy while they took care of some task for Legion. They could be heading into the Omega-4 relay as early as tomorrow afternoon if everything went well. There was nothing like a suicide mission to seek out every moment of joy one could manage. Pulling out even those that preferred solitude. Who wanted to spend their last night alone?

Kaidan got to work pouring out another round for his teammates, careful to keep the liquors separate. He paused on the whiskey, getting lost in watching the brown liquid. Grief coiled in his gut, his mind far from the mission looming above his head. He was focused on his parents, the frantic vid from his uncle still replayed in his head. Sure, they didn't speak anymore. His father had cut him off the second he joined Cerberus; his mother took longer... but even then, communication had been sparse in the last few months. Kaidan didn't dare to tell her about Shepard; it was a vain hope that it would offer him absolution. To his mother, at least. His father would remain unmoved.

Perhaps it was vain to imagine that sweeping in to rescue his parents would change the silence either.

But, it did mean they would live. Not be tortured. Or whatever damn fate they had befallen.

Damn Shepard.

Everyone was going into the relay with a clear (enough) head; why was he the one singled out? The damned Geth straight out of activation earned a favor. But he, her old lover who deserved-- No, no, he didn't deserve a damn thing. A moment of acknowledgment, a formal request to their Shadow Broker friend. Something, something more than blubbering and sad eyes that refused to look at him. The disappointment that coated his being left a bitter taste in his mouth; was he wrong about Mary? Was this revenge for being with Cerberus? For breaking her heart?

"You know," a gentle voice hummed beside him, "that stuff works better when you actually ingest it."

"Thanks, Garrus."

"What is the expression? A credit for your thoughts?"

"A penny," he corrected vainly, "it's a penny."

The turian's eyebrow plate twitched, "is this anger? From you?" he trod carefully, keeping his tone compassionate.

"Hell, Garrus," Kaidan pushed himself up from the kitchen island, "maybe. Disappointment too."

Garrus pushed the glass into Kaidan's hand, "about what?"

"Yeah, why the long," Tali hiccuped, suddenly appearing on his other side "face."

Kaidan looked at the liquor in his glass and shot it down in one gulp, "my parents are missing."

"Did you talk to Shepard?"

"Yeah."

"Annnd~" Tali sang.

Kaidan clenched his jaw; any schadenfreude he may have felt in tarnishing her name became a bar of iron in his stomach. He regretted bringing it up.

"I'm sure she has her reasons," Garrus's head was clearer than the inebriated Tali.

"I'm sure," Kaidan choked out, watching a figure flitter away from the elevator.

Mary slipped into the Starboard Observation room, tired of watching a party she was not invited to. Sure, it was her ship and anyone... most of them would have welcomed her company. It just felt odd in this situation to insert herself, especially when a Cerberus Officer... or two would immediately swarm her. Let the crew enjoy an easy evening without the boss looking over their shoulders.

"Are you worried about me? Don't be," fluttered the melodic voice of the Justicar.

Mary forced a smile, despite the Asari's focus on the starry expanse, "I'm not. It's much calmer here."

"I have faced impossible odds before, Shepard. I have learned to live with it in peace," the Asari returned to the ground, looking back, "your other friends may have more use of you."

I wouldn't be so sure of that, "I'm not feeling up to a party."

"Seeking peace before your inevitable death?"

Mary settled next to Samara, letting a grin escape, "I'm hoping that's another attempt at a joke."

Samara's smile crawled across her face.

"Please, never hang around, Joker."

"I believe your influence has been enough," Samara returned gently.

"Ouch."

"You have been a good friend to me," the Asari let it linger in the space between them, "if we both still live when this is done. You may call upon me for aid at any time. I will come for you, Shepard."

"You don't know how much that means to me," Mary choked on the words, her hand darting to Samara's before she could stop it.

The justicar held her hand, wordlessly acknowledging the sentiment. Mary didn't want to pull away, allowing herself the comfort of touch. Of the warmth she wanted to pull from all of her friends... she needed reassurance now more than ever but lacked the words, the bravery, to seek it out. Mary was afraid.

Afraid that she had misjudged her friendships.

Terrified that her next step would blow up in her face.

"It's going to be a difficult next few days."

~~~

The teams split into two shuttles; Cerberus plus Mary and Legion filed into one. The other shuttle contained the rest of the crew, those unlikely to mesh with, or at odds, with the operatives. Shepard would have preferred that shuttle, but she had a new puppy following her. Also, it was easier to avoid Kaidan's gaze in this shuttle.

Legion's quest went well enough, as they had managed to survive the destruction of the dreadnought. Mary would have been angrier about running for her life and trying to gun down endless waves geth at the same time, but watching Kai Leng squirm was worth it. The added bonus of frustrating the man further as she forcefully dissuaded the man from ripping out the synthetic's wiring. It was the third argument of the day, it left Mary feeling quite peppy.

"Glad to know you'll let the geth overrun us before the Reapers can arrive," the Cerberus assassin huffed.

"Oh, can it. I've had enough of your dramatics today, Lengy-poo," saying it certainly felt like having shit in her mouth.

It worked to shut him up.

Mary stepped onto the shuttle, her eyes resting on the newest occupant of the shuttle.

"Garrus?"

The turian looked over the assassin and back to her, "am I interrupting something?"

"Yeah, we were just about to fuck."

Leng didn't take the bait, but she felt his eyes boring into the back of her skull.

"Anything important from the Normandy?" Shepard pressed, guessing at why he would switch shuttles.

"Silence, but who knows with those pesky AI's."

Mary nodded, taking the standing room nearest the shuttle door. It wasn't her favorite spot to combat her inborn motion sickness, but it gave her the most distance from the babysitter.

Garrus pressed into her space as her hand slid from the wall, the signal that her hardsuit had delivered the meds that stopped prevented her from ralphing upon the clean shuttle floor, "I had something I needed to talk to you about," the turian briefly glanced to the opposite corner.

"I'm listening."

"It's about," he glanced away again, "Kaidan."

Her heart sunk, her breath leaving her lungs in a controlled purse of her lips, "what about the lieutenant... sorry, him?"

Garrus couldn't keep up eye contact, "they're his parents, Shepard."

"And?" Mary returned with forced impatience, a stick trying to dissuade him from this conversation.

"Are you really that mad at him? I know it has been... tough."

"An understatement."

"Perhaps," the undamaged mandible twitched, "but don't we owe him-"

"Owe him what?" Mary returned with fury. Miranda and Kai Leng that had been eavesdropping, made that fact obvious, with partially cocked heads turning to face the pair.

"Help, for old times sake," the turian answered frigidly, "I'm not sure they brought you all the way back anymore."

Mary turned her back to Garrus.

"Joker, glad to-"

~~~

Mary's fist connected with the glass paneling, the model ships shaking pathetically. What was she hoping for? That they would fall? That she could ruin days worth of work with one motion? That Miranda and Leng would be called up to her cabin to stop her from tearing apart the ship? Or, Kaidan would come running to console her.

She'd make him come for her. Let him see her hot tears. To feel her regret and fuck her until she was senseless.

Blood budded from her knuckles; this would do.

Mary pulled back her elbow again, what the fuck are you doing?

Suddenly, the thought of decimating her cabin didn't feel alleviating.

What would savaging her hand help to do against the Collectors? It could only hinder her attempt to rescue her abducted crewmates. Alerting the entire ship to her meltdown would only diminish her squad's faith that she could handle the mission. Dragging anyone through a sleepless night wouldn't help the mission. Alternatively, drinking until she passed out risked a hangover she couldn't afford. Mary had to be on top of her game, had to be ready for any consequence.

Shepard tore herself away from the desk, away from the accusing picture frame, and into the bathroom.

The cold water shocked her scuffed knuckles, "that was a bit dramatic, Mary."

She watched the smile crawl across her face in the mirror. I've done everything I can, what will be, will be. Next, her eyes rolled, a strange sensation as the first tear freed itself. Gripping the sink, she bit out a sob, fighting it out of years of ingrained habit. The tough N7 shouldn't cry, she supposed now, she was no longer that tough N7. Nothing in the Cerberus Manual (the thought of her reading the unconfirmed manual, comical) forbade this act. Mary was alone, and she might as well turn over this new leaf before she died. Even if that day would likely be tomorrow.

For the first time in many years, she let the wall down. Mary wasn't able to look at herself.

Sometime later, she filled a glass from the faucet, swallowing down a couple of pills as she drained the cup. Not allowing herself to be distracted, she headed to bed, listening for the doorway until she slipped into darkness.

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Take Me Home Now: Chapter Six

Chapter Six: In Your Head, They are Fightin'

Set after the events of ME3.

A rewrite. Ao3.

FemShepxKaidan

"What defines life?"

The patter of rain against the metal hull made it sound far more impressive than the sprinkle that fell from the sky. It threatened to get darker and heavier with time, but Jane wasn't pressed to move any faster. The cold was pleasant to her throbbing head, offering at least some relief to that problem? Should she see the new medic? Yes. Would she? No.

"Your entire campaign against your destiny was to save the creatures of your cycle. So why reject the choice to synthesize?"

Jane placed her hand on the cold ground, staring at the veins that crossed over the metacarpals—observing the changes her gentle flexing made in the patterns, meekly tempting her brain to another task.

"Did the Geth not allow the Quarians to survive?"

Right, she had not considered how she had fucked the Quarian race. Was Rannoch a waste of time? Legion's loss just a pointless burden on her heart.

"EDI saved you and your crew countless times. Did she not deserve happiness?"

Joker. Being without her would have crushed him. They were so happy.

"It was an easy choice, a selfless one. The Galaxy could have lived in peace, thrived into a utopia beyond your imagining!"

A galaxy without her.

Without-

"You acted selfishly. Again. Williams. The Geth. EDI. All sacrificed for one. For the mere chance you might get to feel his embrace once more. How many others will never feel the embrace of the ones they love because of your actions? Because you thought yourself above them all."

It stung with white-hot intensity in her veins, burning and peeling through her blood and nervous system. Then, as quickly as it flared, followed the cold chill of nothing—absence from the blinding heat. Try as she would to reason against this vein of thought, she could not deny it. Her choice was selfish.

Kaidan had begged her not to leave him behind, the fibre of her soul knew that heartbreak. So many times she had been left behind, left as the last one standing. The Commander wouldn't do that to him, wouldn't let him be left with her loss once more. She didn't want to; between the three years they had known each other, they had spent a scant few weeks actively enjoying each other. It was nice. Mary needed that gentleness. Her life was little more than gunfire and blood without him.

Further down, in the depths of her consciousness, she would do anything for the chance to be with him again.

It made perfect sense that she stood alone again.

Karma is a bitch.

"I didn't want to believe the Lieutenant when he said you would be here," Silva tried to speak gently, but it still woke the human from her stupor, "I'm still amazed that the crucible managed to take these things down. One, sure. There must be hundreds, thousands..."

The human didn't respond, keeping her gaze firmly forward.

"Earth to Jane," no response, so Silva tried the physical approach with a claw on the shoulder, "Recruit, Human. Homo Sapien."

"Silva?"

"What's got you down? I don't know if it's the same for you soft species, but this wet sensation is no fun."

"It's nothing."

"It's always nothing."

"You sound like the LT," Jane gruffed, forcing herself up stiffly.

"Oh no, people are concerned about you!"

"Silva," her pitched heightened, "I'm not interested in- I'm not-"

The turian was frozen, her pupils narrowing.

The crunch of concrete pulled them from the moment, both watching as a trio of Krogan approached, led by the green crested jack ass. Jane pushed herself in front of the turian, meeting the Krogan head-on.

"Do Turians not keep their females locked away?" the krogan stepped into Jane's space, dwarfing her comparatively petite frame, " you would think they do. You never see them."

He huffed, nudging the human aside once she did not cower, "or do the cuttlebones hide them because they are ashamed of what they are breeding with?" The krogan touched the stiff turian, running a single digit down her petrified face.

"Shame they don't hide the phage-lucky krogan from the rest of us," Jane interrupted cooly, "I thought your species liked strength, not to be represented by a weak pyjak."

The alien whipped around, snarling at the offending human, charging at it with breakneck speed. She had no time to dodge, her back absorbing the blow as she ground into the Reaper's hull. At least the screaming was not her own, she felt a shocking amount of nothing. The first returning feeling was hope, hope that this would be her last fight. Her body refused to respond as it was flung to the ground, green's foot hurling for her unprotected skull.

It missed, thudding impotently to the right of her ear. Silva shrieked as she dislodged the Krogan, flailing against the creature as she attempted to grab for the sensitive spot on his crest. Her talons could function as a crude knife without another option to fight against her foe. The krogan's strength overcame the turian's surprise attack, but without a rolling dodge, the female's head ground beneath the male's heel—the crack of a mandible stirring the Commander's body into moving.

Mary charged with near full biotic force into the krogan, sending them both tumbling into an outstretched Reaper leg. The child's scream that erupted from it ignored in the rush of hormones screeching in her system and the sudden swirling of her vision. She wanted to go down, fighting with all her strength to keep her consciousness from slipping into the void. Blood dripped from her nose, the coppery taste in her mouth indicating an approximate amount. It wasn't the time to be weak she would hold on.

The krogan grinned pitifully.

In return, her face cracked against a hard elbow, warm blood pooling clouding her eyesight.

Luckily, Jane's scrap was finished. Rough claws pulled her from green crest, pushing her into the soft warmth of a human figure. Masculine shouting whirled with the tilting of her entire axis, her vision clearing in the sight of comforting whiskey-colored irises.

"Alen-"

"Jane," he finally breathed, trying to push the blood from her eyelids, "what the hell are you-"

The man's attention turned to the next group of onlookers to arrive to the party. Word traveled much faster with restored short-range communications; his grip tightened on his Recruit, keeping the teetering and fragile form from keeling over.

"Wrex, this is the last straw- we demand something be done!" A metallic voice rising above the rest. The angry turian pointing an accusing finger at the Krogan leader.

"The human attacked me first; your female joined in!" the defendant cried, "you just hate my kind."

"Shut your trap. Damned varren brained whelp," Wrex challenged the green crest, pushing the youth back to the ground, "what do I do? Throw out one of my own? I need every krogan for my people to survive."

"You krogan think of no one but yourselves! Your kind, like your subordinate, deserves what came to you," the turian leader returned.

"I could snap you open and slurp out your meat, Turian!" Wrex threatened, closing the distance between the two leaders.

"Fellows, could we-" Roy's relatively weak pleas fell to the wayside.

"Brutality, predictable."

Evelyn scrambled from behind the Reaper's derelict leg, rushing between the groups for those of her own kind. Pulling a moment of tension from the warring factions, each eye watched the child run to the Lieutenant, replacing Jane in his grasp. The woman stumbled toward the aliens, glancing up at the taller creatures beneath a veil of blood. Both too curious to stop her from wedging between them.

"Look at what we are becoming, fucking bickering old men. Are we going to let old prejudices do what the Reapers couldn't?" Jane's index finger pressed into Wrex's armour, "we have a chance to see a brighter future. Peace. Children. Why are we letting the little things divide us now? If we want that future to come faster, we have to survive now, we have to work together. Didn't the krogan help the turian's on Palaven? Let our children see us getting along, not be stunted by another conflict."

Jane proffered her hand to the fallen krogan.

He retaliated by bashing her skull.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

It wouldn't go answered; in the moment between Jane going out cold crashing to the ground and Wrex blasting the whelp point blank with a shotgun blast in the knee cap, the little girl bolted for the krogan. Slamming with all her might, meeting him forehead to forehead.

"Heh, this little one has the spirit of a Warlord." Wrex ignored how the child clutched at her forehead and the tears welling up in the corner of her eyes. The very adult swear going without punishment from her human guardian.

"This fighting dishonors Shepard," Grunt commented gently.

The Krogan leader nodded solemnly. The Turian bowed his head, and Roy's throat bobbed his head turned conveniently away for a brief moment.

"This 'krogan' dishonors Shepard," Wrex conceded, with the air quotes so quickly adopted from human culture, "you aren't worth the thermal clip. If you are seen within a click of this place again, I won't hesitate to let the Turian use you as target practice."

Green shell limped away.

"I think these terms should be acceptable," Silva peeped, throwing a stern glance at the Turian general.

"My men will be on the lookout if he returns," at the moment, he refused to immediately concede but retreated with his posse. Urging Silva along with them, she followed after Roy sent her along with a nod.

Wrex's gaze swept up to the old man, "you've got a handful with your young."

"I surely do, but I couldn't imagine having hundreds like you Krogan."

"Don't remind me," Wrex retorted with sudden dread, but a smile passed over his features, glancing at the human on the ground, "she reminds me of an old friend, always in the middle of a conflict. If they are anything alike, that one is trouble."

"She's proven to be worth it."

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Take Me Home Now: Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine: The Radio Reminds Me

Set after the events of ME3.

A rewrite. Ao3.

FemShepxKaidan

Notes: I know this is a slow build, but it was always meant to be more about the re-entry of Shep than a romantic story. I will have more Shenko content, I just don't want different expectations put on this work.

The mass of biotics division huddled around a central table, while most craned their heads to get a better view, some jostled their way in closer. Jane only approached because it was something to bide her time, well really, it was to avoid Rahna and their 'friend date'. Specifics were not important.

"What's going on here," Jane questioned.

Three-quarters of the biotics stood taller, and all stopped moving. The woman still spoke with the authority of a commanding officer, would have been if... well, that wasn't important either. Here, she was just Jane. Even after the deference, the biotics instinctively gave her as they allowed her front row access to the device on the table. Jane chalked it up to her reputation for holding her biotics at full force with a faulty implant rather than face the reality of her other-self.

Jane picked up the comm, looked it over, then promptly set it down, "impressive paperweight?"

A brave student snickered, plucking the device from the table, "did they not teach you old folks tech?"

"Said the 2nd Lieutenant to the N7," Jane smirked, "tell me, how long did it take to put your bars on and still leave them crooked?"

The kid fussed, trying to wave away his faux pass with some technobabble and blustering. Leave it to Alenko to be soft on his kids.

"We've been scanning the airwaves for news, news outside of earth," the soldier finally stammered out, "I found a promising channel I just have to.."

"Well, everyone is waiting."

"Aye, Aye ma'am."

The kid nodded, bringing out the interface of his omnitool, punching out codes until the box relented.

"Relayed July 23rd. Charon Relay is inoperable. Mass relays comm buoys inoperable. Attempts to fix relays have begun. Repeat message."

"The 23rd was a week ago," a voice commented from the crowd.

"Is there another channel?"

"Please respond. We are alive. This is Commander Bailey, C-Sec, on a looping message. Please respond. We are alive."

The lightness a simple broadcast brought to her shoulders was rejuvenating, sublime in the brief moment of having one friend survive the war she wrought upon the galaxy. Until the weight returned in the form of a warm hand resting on her left trap, prior commitments and all.

"Jane."

"Rahna."

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Jane leaned back, folding her arms tightly across her chest. Proficient in the use of silence, she kept an easy stare at Rahna. If she had to play the hostage, she wasn't about to make it easy, defiant yet still compliant. Speaking now put her into a position of giving something away- well something more than she wanted to give away. With the level of fame Shepard had reached curious hands liked to get into her file, while against the rules, those with access often did. What else could be juicer than personal details on the Commander? On her failures? Successes. Her psych profile.

It was violating.

"It's good to hear someone on the Citadel is still kicking," Rahna broke first.

"If anyone could have survived, it was him."

"Someone you knew well?"

"Compared to most C-Sec officers, he was a dream," Jane allowed her face to relax, "a real cut through the red tape kind of guy. Bailey really came through during the Cerebrus coup."

Rahna nodded, returning with a small smile, "that sounded like a tense situation. Everyone back home was shocked we never thought Udina-"

"Udina was a rat."

"You would know," she mumbled, "I'm glad it ended as well as it did. Without losing another friend."

Jane's lips tightened, shoulders bracing for the mental impact of the emotions she wanted locked beneath the surface. The cacophony of feelings blurred and grew, loss, regret, pleasure, reconnection, and the legion of secondary emotions attached to the cold anger freezing her system. A brittle connection shattered, leaving behind a numbness.

"Is this all about Alenko?"

Rahna's eyes widened, reeling, the blunt words not within the realm of what she expected, "that wasn't-"

"You couldn't; you rejected the man he was," Jane snarled, pitching forward on her chair, "is this jealousy? I can armchair you right back, Strawberry."

The woman chuckled, "you've heard about me."

"Yeah, I've heard about you. I don't need to go snooping into your file."

"Then you should know we reconnected a couple years back- and nothing happened," she returned cooly, "it was obvious he still had feelings for another."

The immediate surge of pride warped with bitter jealousy, her throat tightening. If she didn't know better, Jane swore her heart stopped the long pauses between the beats petrifying the organ. Her world grew cold, hollow. This jealousy was certainly foreign, the Commander was better than this. Mary knew better, knew that after all Kaidan had returned for her- had written that after all this mess, he didn't know, they both didn't know then.

The Yeoman's call that she had a message at her private terminal had grown past the stage of annoying- Mary had hinted once that Chambers should switch it up. Apparently, her tone had been too jovial, and a week later still nothing had changed. Not even a crack at a 'message for you' or a plain 'message.' With a sigh that Kelly met with a quick glance, Mary sauntered over to the terminal. The sender had her retreating.

While she was under no guise that she had privacy, Mary liked the illusion of it.

Back in the empty room of the Captain's Cabin, Kaidan's picture flickered on accusingly. Still, Mary grasped for it, a thumb tenderly resting over his cheek.

"I want to think you're angry, that you'll tear me a new one. But we both know better."

She set the frame down, looking away, focusing on the one-third finished model of the Athabasca Class Freighter. It seemed like a simple ship, not something flashy like a Geth Dreadnought or Sovereign, but it was apparent to what drew her to the model. A sentimental reminder of the Canadian she loved. The man that stared at her when she walked by. The one she talked to in the billions of moments she regretted working for Cerebrus. Kaidan was silent, but it was better than nothing, the picture at first was a warning to what Cerebrus could take from her. Now it became a lifeline. Unhealthy. But a small drop in the bucket compared to the Suicide mission she had thrown herself headfirst into.

"You could never stay mad at me long... you'll even expect me to, to-"

Tears tumbled from her eyes, the first to come since her time aboard the 'fake' Normandy. One painted in colors and emblazed with an emblem that made her skin crawl. It was all wrong.

It filled her head with screaming.

Mary didn't read the message that night.

Or for the next week.

Kelly stopped reminding her about one unread message.

Shepard put the Athabasca down gently, careful not to disturb the drying sealant. Her eyes flickered to the picture that stared at her, "I know it's time to look."

They hadn't spoken in that time, either.

Kaidan was predictable. His gentleness- his compassion. The love he claimed to have for her obvious, even if Mary was fighting to ignore it. After all this, after turning up in bed with a terrorist organization, he still beckoned her to be careful. To return to him when, if, things settled. Most of all, his honesty.

Damn, did it hurt. Her heart squeezing and constricting itself.

Could Mary blame him for attempting to live happily?

She wanted that for him. In her current situation, she would do nothing but bring him strife. It was selfish to reach out now. To clamor for his attention, to stir up old feelings. To let him become a target. The Illusive Man had tried once; what was to stop him from doing it again? As much as she hated bringing Anderson into her troubles, it was becoming apparent she needed to lean on him, at least to get Kaidan out of the line of fire.

Mary left the message unread. Call it revenge or heartbreak.

"You didn't know?" Rahna pressed, her fingers raking across her forearm, "I thought you- well. It was only to reconnect; that's how I got recruited to Biotics Division, eventually. I don't think he had been assigned-

Commander?"

Jane's pupils narrowed, "what do you want from me? This is- this-"

Rahna tried to interrupt, but Jane was not finished, "do you like seeing me squirm? Do you like that I'm not the person you saw on all the vids?

What fucked up reason do you have for doing this? You were stupid enough not to see Kaidan for who he is. You spurned him for trying to help you. I bet you couldn't even look him in the eye. Beauty...sure. But kindness? I see someone who can't stomach a hard decision and is infected with naive idealism. He stopped Vrynnus from torturing more kids, like he did to you, and you just-

Now you have to pull me into this? Do you regret losing him after seeing the compassionate man he became over the years? You could pull anyone, is only the capable and handsome Spectre enough? Or is it more fun to gloat over the decimated competition?"

Rahna watched as Jane rubbed at her cheek and the strange flashing scars. Observing the woman's tension across from her as she only grew more enraged as it did not elicit the reaction she desired from the accusations, pity filled the void that might have been anger.

"I doubt either of us has moved through life without regrets," her voice was silk and cool, "Kaidan and I could have both handled that better. Perhaps I was naive, but what is done is done. There was no longer a spark; we both knew that was the end of an 'us.'"

The blonde huffed.

"I won't lie and omit that I have seriously breached protocol and decorum by perusing your files; the 'Commander' is a fascinating subject to anyone that paid attention. She was hope to many," Rahna looked her in the eyes, playing the woman's staring contest, "can't blame a girl for being curious."

Jane slowly settled into her chair, swiveling her eyes away, arms folding across her chest. More so in a move reminiscent of a pouting child, but it was a start.

"Do you know what your file said? Specifically your psych evals?"

The woman didn't look at her, going stiff as stone. Jaw flexed in her effort to maintain silence.

"Brass had you tabbed for immediate evaluation after the war," she let that settle in, the woman's throat bobbed, "and more than that. I see someone who needs help. Selfishly- I hope I can help. Even a little, even if it is just someone to listen. After you have helped so many."

"Shepard is dead."

The Commander walked out of the room for the last time.

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Take Me Home Now: Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven: To The Place I Belong

Set after the events of ME3.

A rewrite. Ao3.

FemShepxKaidan

Evelyn ripped around the Recruit; the endless stream of energy the kid displayed was a thing of envy. She was an old soldier indeed- growing exhausted from just watching the child play about excitedly. Once she swore never to become that person, but it had progressed subconsciously. It was far more than a physical tired; emotionally and mentally, she was a strange form of exhaustion that taxed her brain to move on a typical day- on the worst days, it was immobilizing. "Please, just one more lift," the mousy-haired girl begged. "You're going to get me in trouble again." Evelyn pouted, "she's not watching right now. Plus, Rahna said she isn't mad it just makes her sad, which makes her act mad." "So you want to make her sad?" "No," but there was still a little bit of defiance in the utterance. "Plus, don't you want some of that energy for Pater?" "Ugh, we won't be there for  forever ."

"You could try napping in the Mako," Jane retreated as the kid threw her a cross look, "or you could write another log." The kid was precocious, but Jane liked that about her. She was only privy to the existence of the log because of her Spectre status. Evelyn had believed what all others would take as a lie at face value. Claiming a secret mission, the kid was more than onboard to keep mum about the existence of a previous life. Though Evelyn may begrudge her later, Jane hadn't utterly lied to her. "But, you're doing dangerous things," Evelyn whined. Super dangerous if they allowed the seven-year-old to bother her, no doubt, "I suppose I am. How about you help me keep an eye out for any baddies?" It kept her entertained for a while, at least until Jane started to recognize some of the roads again. Her detail was ornamental at this point the route had been quiet. Who would disturb a company of Makos and Kodiak shuttles? Having boots on the ground was only required because of the state of chaos the city was under from reasons that ran from collapsed structures to faulty ordinances. The medical equipment was worth far more than creds; it was a step toward rebuilding. Jane paused once the building crested the horizon, the corpse of Harbinger in rest behind it. Her hand raised, bringing the caravan to an immediate halt. "What's the holdup?" the 2nd lieutenant buzzed over her comm. "I want a scan of this area, "Jane couldn't quite place the exact threat, it was an absurd tingle that whispered caution, "get behind me." The woman's demeanor bid the child to comply. "Mec-" Jane's pistol fired a split second before the comm's warning, blasting the processing 'head' clean off the LOKI unit. "Woah, Woah, Woah," a figure shouted from between the buildings, the white-haired figure raised his hands, "just mechs, Recruit." "Pater!" Evelyn cried, running from her side without a hint of caution. Half tackling the man with the ferocity of her joy, but he recovered quickly, spinning the girl around before setting her down. Holding her hand for the rest of the trip to the convoy. Roy's forehead knocked against her's, hands holding her face, "fucking hell, Recruit." "LT." "Jane, you-" his voice quivered before it left, pushing her aside with unintended belligerence. His steps were wobbly as he approached the short woman wearing a sour expression. They stared at one another. He stopped just out of arms reach from the woman. "I'm not going to smack you, you old geezer." The LT muttered something unintelligible as he swept the woman up into his arms. Cue the crying and all the grotesque cuteness one could endure from the scene. Jane had to look away; it was like watching her parents kiss. It was something better left unimagined and unseen, and sure it happened just somewhere else. The pang of envy was also unbearable, despite how happy she felt for them. It was time to look for an exit. Apparently, after trouble ran into her- "It's nice to see some of the Alenko family reunited." "Is this a joke to you?" envy helped pull a simmering anger into a seething mass of it. Rahna remained gentle, undaunted, "it would be good for all of you to have some closure." Logic bid that Strawberry couldn't have known that her Roy was the Major's father. While she knew who Helen was, Jane hadn't been exactly willing to spend any time with another person during her recovery. It all seemed obvious now if she hadn't been so clouded with grief and self-gratifying misery. "Please, let me go," Jane begged. ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ Harbinger's warm (for London) breath collided around her form. They sat in a prolonged stalemate of silence, the Reaper judging the creature before him. What was a flawed creature of flesh compared to a collective intelligence? This ant was pathetic, hardly able to pose a threat to itself. Yet here it sat, thinking it was worthy of words. But it wasn't without pithy for the small things. "Death wouldn't claim you." Why would it? The real punishment was surviving. Reliving the guilt without a

barrier to stop the whole barrage of the tide. While she fought and campaigned against forces that seemed impossible, she had a way to hold back the pain. A reason to forget, a goal that kept her focused on what was forward and not on the past. The failure of losing one homeworld seemed small compared to the loss of all advanced life in the Milky Way. But now, with time, without a goal to keep her focus forward the weight of Thessia, Earth, The Citadel, Palavan, and countless untold colonies compounded together. Her personal failures insult to the injury. If only she could have provided more evidence about the Reaper threat. If she had tried harder, been louder, would they have listened to her? Was it a mistake to abandon Cerebrus? They were evil, no doubt, but could those resources have made the difference? If they had managed to find the Catalyst earlier, the galaxy would have suffered less loss. Instead of the Illusive Man needing to make her an enemy, would her compliance have stopped the indoctrination of the organization? Had she pushed them to that extreme? Was it a mistake to not take the Dalatrass's deal and fool the krogan? Even if for a short while. Was her moral qualm worth the lives and time it took? There was always more she could have given. Her repentance must be witnessing the Galaxy struggle to rebuild after what she had brought upon it. "Who would believe you were Shepard?" Just another facet she wanted to forget. How could she face his parents? Was it wrong to stick around? Helen was a nominal presence in her life, but the LT... him she couldn't forsake. Roy's company brought her peace, likely out of familiarity, a brief reprieve from the current of guilt that swept her under. Guilt she didn't want to bring into their relationship, shame that her attempt to save his son had failed. She wasn't ready to talk about Kaidan or the Normandy. It was still too much of a burden, the force petrifying her humanity. What would it change between them? Or the way everyone looked at her? Would they shun her for what she could no longer be? Couldn't she steal a little light? At the time, she hadn't saved the man for Kaidan, but at least she could protect them now. Or try her damnedest as Jane, as much would not be expected from her. "I see we found Harold again," a graveled voice chided disapprovingly. Jane flinched at the physical contact, finding her words to come out in a tumbling mess, "shouldn't you be shacking up with your old lady?" "Who's to say I haven't." Now, this was super gross, "you picked a fun one." His eyebrow raised, but he otherwise ignored the undertone of Jane's statement, "Alenko men always pick a partner far out of their league. I think my son really took the cake, though." Jane tensed, waiting for the inevitable. He knew. He had to. Rahna wouldn't keep quiet, not now. Why else would he leave his wife? Nearly two years' absence was nothing compared to a stranger disappearing for a month. "A Spectre is a Spectre, and never for an arbitrary reason," she retorted defensively, no longer waiting for the blow to come. It was also a little personal- she loathed whenever someone implied Kaidan simply rode her coattails. Yes, he was monumentally important in her crusade, but the man was his own force to be reckoned with. He was capable, intelligent, level-headed, and most of all kind. It was rare to have someone never ask anything of her, as he had. Rarer to not be put on a pedestal, the Major had always seen her as human. As a person and not the title. Despite how challenging the distance between them had been, she would always respect that he never wavered on his choice to act independently from her. "Heh, did someone have a celebrity crush?" Roy shook his head, "I didn't come here to reminisce. I wanted to speak with you about something." "Okay, let's have it." He took in a deep breath, folding his arms in a manner that made her question how she had missed the resemblance, "about that day, the raid. Look, I appreciate what you were trying to do for me, but never do

that again." "I can't promise that," she returned flatly. "You know," he drew in a steadying breath, his tenor turning into a heartbreaking rumble, "it's possible you have people out there that care about you. You're a stubborn shit, but you're becoming like one of my own. Maybe you can't imagine someone coming back for you, but one day someone's going to thank me for keeping your sorry ass alive for them." "You can lecture me all you like then," she quipped, but the hot tears slipping out from the corners of her eyes betraying her true feelings. Roy's hand returned to her shoulder, letting the woman release in complete silence. He waited a few minutes after her shaking had stopped to speak again. "But you should come inside, there may or may not be a banner with your name on it awaiting you," he said wryly, "while I think Evelyn may not mind all the attention on her, she does not need that much cake."

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Take Me Home Now: Chapter Four

Chapter Four: But You See, it's Not Me

Set after the events of ME3.

A rewrite. Ao3.

FemShepxKaidan

"Get down! Get down! Get down!" Jane screamed as she charged across the field.

The blast rippled through the air, a torrent of flame following imperceptibly behind it, and with that sudden friction came the force of the explosion. Rubble, stones, dust, and ash flung across the square seconds after the detonation. Terse silence, then relief.

"Recruit!" the Lieutenant called, emerging from behind the barrier, "holy hell, Recruit?"

He scanned the intersection, frowning as the haze of ash obscured his vision. But it wasn't long before coughing guided him forward to his curled-up Recruit. One now covered in ash and with a few extra gashes but seemingly no worse for the wear. Those bright blue eyes looking more out of place against the black and grey backdrop of soot and crimson.

"I think we played that one a little close," he wavered on the humorous tone. Fighting their own wasn't comfortable for most soldiers, even if they had made it abundantly clear they were the enemy.

Jane grinned up at him, "I usually am not the charge setter. I just like the boom."

Fair enough. Perhaps he should have never questioned her mettle, the woman chomped on the bit to destroy this outpost the second she saw the gem-like logo tagged on the side of the building. Roy knew she had killed other humans since the Reapers were defeated, but seeing her ease at doing so in person was another matter. Most of his men, and himself, balked at the idea after weeks of working together against the Reaper threat. Now it was over -it felt sacrilegious to kill another member of his race... it was the first time he had killed another man. But here Jane was, taking it in stride, almost seeming to take it with gayety he couldn't fathom.

"That must be the human with the quad," for a hulking creature, the Krogan leader could be quite mellow at times, for what was expected out of him.

Strangely enough, Jane didn't share that same sentiment. She cowed in her own way, backing from the open hand that Wrex offered to her. Wrex instead lifted her by the arm, pulling the female in for closer inspection. The red eyes roved over her face and features, looking for something that he ultimately decided was not there. The Krogan set her down with a gentle jostle.

"Heh, I must still have my charm."

His recruit fought a wistful smile.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

The cold night air prickled her skin, raising the fine hairs across her forearm. Her gaze followed it down and to the ground in the space between her crossed legs. It felt less immense looking at this space rather than up at the terrible presence that loomed over her—waiting to devour her.

"How does it feel to be invisible?" the mechanical voice now a caress gently easing into her thoughts, "those you called friends can't recognize you anymore."

She wasn't invisible, just tired. Scared. Lonely. Lost. Everything the Commander didn't feel.

"What is the legendary Commander without biotics? Fodder."

Each attempt she had made had wound up in her losing time. Each subsequent try meant more time and a migraine that intensified. If the migraine ever truly left the lingering stage, but it was something she knew better than to complain about. Nobody needed a reason to worry about her or find another reason to treat her like an outsider. That she couldn't complain about, she hadn't tried hard to be friendly. Instead preferring to remain on the periphery.

"Or is the legend of Shepard over? The husk that you are can't compare."

Or was it easier to relax? To let the burden fade from her shoulders? The crushing weight of everyone's hopes had been too much. Sleepless nights, nightmares, and anxiety permeated every aspect of the Commander's life. Questioning if she had done enough for the war effort, the sewage of her worries toxifying each moment of peace. Guilt over her time in Cereberus still proving to be a hurdle in any reconciliation of her being a basically good person.

It was a little easier being Jane. Not much was expected of her.

"Or are you the vessel of her guilt? The long-overdue penance for her crimes."

Most saw Shepard as the hero. But only because they didn't see the evils she had caused. Colonies. Planets. Friends. Synthetics. Her unit on Akuze. All gone because of her choices. Nobody had time during the war to examine the consequences of her actions. Would they not see them if Shepard simply died on the Citadel? The blame left to some figure that had at least the good sense to atone by dying for the galaxy?

It didn't make her choices better.

But it was less blame to assign to her.

"Whatever you are now isn't worthy of being deemed 'Savior.' You rejected your friend because you feared the face he would see, the nothing you are now."

"I see we're revisiting Harold," the warm voice a sudden break from the cold metallic," I don't understand it, this thing gives me the heebie-jeebies."

Roy's hand on her shoulder a strange grounding back into reality, back into the frigid night air. Her head turned to glance at him, as usual, he softly smiled, amber eyes viewing her with a hint of concern. A familiarity that thawed some of her walls.

"It's also freezing out here, but leave it up to you to be sitting out here. Alone," the chuckle arriving before his teasing, "brooding."

Jane huffed.

Roy's finger stroked the underside of her newest scar that ran along her chin; it was a curious thing with a slight glow, "you need to get this thing checked."

"Thanks, Dad."

"Finally, some respect."

"Don't let it fool you."

The LT sighed heavily in return, turning his head to the Reaper with a reflexive frown," Now, tell the Recruit to stay put for a moment."

Jane hadn't intended to move, but welcomed the checkered blanket that was placed tenderly around her shoulders all the same. Roy placed himself facing her, blocking out the view of the Old Machine. A green bottle finding its way into her hands.

"I can't take this."

"You're not taking it. You're helping me drink beer," he returned smoothly. Extending out his own drink in a toast.

"Well, what do you suggest?" her favorite person murmured. His eyes darting over her lips, but they only ever rested on her eyes. Inviting; her call to calm.

"I can't think of anything better than this moment right now," Mary lost her fight to keep his gaze, her cheeks dusting in red. The possibility of this vulnerable moment turning reared in her head.

"Shepard," Kaidan purred against her lips, pulling her form flush into him, "Shepard."

He didn't move to push the feathery kisses into serious territory, instead enjoying the closeness the two of them rarely got to enjoy. This openness was the prime offering, the exposed throat to be protected. Even rewarded in a way Mary wouldn't see as patronizing.

"Kaidan," Mary muttered, his name dropping as her vocal cords seized.

Kaidan would wait as many beats as she needed.

"This feels almost normal."

His rumbling laugh came fluidly, "what do I need to do to make this normal, normal? Besides ridding the universe of the Reapers, and singlehandedly wiping out Cerebrus."

The Commander considered it for a long moment, "you know that really uncomfortable position where I lay on your arm? I think that would feel more normal."

"Alright, Shepard," Kaidan returned with a grin, scooching both of them awkwardly until he laid on his side and Mary's head rested on his forearm, "anything else?"

The woman grinned bashfully, "no."

"Because you forgot the crappy vid, but it doesn't matter; we wouldn't have watched it anyway," his finger traced across the ridge of her nose.

"Why? Would we too busy, getting busy?"

He laughed again, "maybe. But you don't like to be still that long. You know, you'd have to learn to sit down and watch a vid with me one day."

"If you could refrain from making comments the entire time," Mary retorted smugly.

"Heh." There was a hesitation.

"If you've got something to say to me, Alenko."

His finger gently drew lines between the paths of her freckles, formulating the right words and deciding on a path between his hopes, "sounds like you are planning on keeping me around."

"I-," the sole thing keeping her head from turning away was the hand that cupped her cheek, "I'd like to learn to be normal with you. To have a regular life... with you. Christmases, birthdays... fucking Easter."

Kaidan knew he grinned like an idiot, his cheeks hurting from the width of his smile.

"Hey, kid, you look a little lost there," Roy called, snapping his fingers.

"Oh," she put the bottle to her lips, the somewhat warm liquid coating her mouth, "sorry."

He shrugged nonchalantly, taking his own generous sip. Overlooking the woman curiously.

"LT, I appreciate this, but," Jane struggled with the words, with the absolute coldness she was displaying, "why are you doing this?"

"It's Christmas," Roy stated simply.

So it was, "I'm sure you have better company. Even others that had invited-"

"I did, but don't make this isn't all about you," Roy had his own troubles. Most of them the people that clamored for his attention. Jane wasn't like that, he found her near hostility refreshing. A good break from the worries of being a caretaker for everyone in the building before him. Jane didn't ask for anything. "I am still not convinced I was the one most suitable to speak with that Krogan, Wrex. You seemed to get on with them."

"You got it done."

"We had an unlikely connection, and he's a reasonable person."

Jane shook her head, twisting and opening up her palms in a dismissive motion. Apparently, that was that and a done deal. Returning them to silence.

"I am curious, how does one know so much about aliens, guns, and farming?" He pressed after a moment. The finding of her knowledge of crops was the most surprising thing to learn about her to date. Not that she had deemed to share this openly; instead, he caught it by chance as the Salarian and the Recruit brainstormed the best irrigation and propagation methods with their limited supplies.

Jane's cheeks flushed, even in the dim light, "ahh, I had mentioned my parents were colonists, just not that they were farmers. I'm not an expert or anything. Being a teenager when they died, I had little real interest in it."

"And the aliens?" He wisely pushed away from the subject, already seeing the hints of her recoil. The bobbing of her throat becoming a recognizable tic.

"My postings saw me in diplomatic positions. I spent a considerable amount of time on the Citadel and visited most of the homeworlds of the major council species," Jane glanced to her right, a soft smile spreading on her face.

All considered this was a fucked time to be smiling. Upon further consideration, visiting wasn't the proper term either, she had been there to try and break a siege or to deal with some Reaper-related threat. The smile arose because of the memories of her crewmates, former and well... they were all former now.

"How did you end up so lucky?"

"Some hard work, but mostly luck," her expression darkened before returning to a neutral state.

He had so many more questions. But she had her reasons for not divulging further, for reasons nefarious or more likely classified, Jane kept mum. Pushing her further could only end in retreat.

"Any other fun talents you want to tell me about?"

"Nothing that entertaining," Jane chuckled, "though I'd like to know how you managed to stash beer."

Roy returned the chuckle with a wink, "my secret, Recruit."

"Fine," she smirked, "but what about you? I know you served, but what did you do before this?"

"I own an orchard. I used to be more involved with it. But as men my age do, we like to retire to a quiet life."

"So much for that," Jane murmured, earning another toast with the LT, "any family?"

"Yeah, an old lady, somewhere back home," Roy grew wistful, "I have a kid, too. Somewhere."

Jane knew that tone, the somberness a feeling she was only too familiar with. Much as he never asked about her troubles, she returned the favor. Most had lost something, if not everything in this short but brutal war.

The man picked himself up as he finished his beer, stashing both bottles into a pile of rubble to retrieve later.

"You should come back inside for dinner, word and smell is that someone made actual bread. Rolls."

Roy offered out his hand.