#math is sometimes a good thing
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Maybe it's cause I'm surrounded by art people all the time but I feel like math as a school subject gets a bad wrap. Like now that I'm not forced to take classes for it, I just start doing it on my own for fun. It gets my brain stimulated. I'm doing calculus like it's a word puzzle; it's a stress reliever and it's rewarding. It's encountering a problem I already know all the steps to even if I've semi-forgotten them. And there's minimal consequences if I get the answer wrong. I think it's fun to go to town with a ballpoint pen on some dirty scrap paper, just letting the scribbly numbers flow.
#i was so disappointed when i found out taxes was mostly filling out a form and less actual calculator action#now i just help my sister with her algebra 2 hw#idk i was stressed ab con stuff earlier so i just started calculating my expenses on paper and it felt really good#this same thing applies to making spreadsheets#i think making and thinking ab art all the time makes academic work like a fun hobby to me sometimes#but i did like math in school anyway hm#wheat rambles
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studying Philosophy is really like
you think this is going to help you understand the world and your place in it better,
but actually all it does is confuse and befuddle you farther than ever before
and also you make friends with the most annoying (read: great, smart, lovely, kind, but argumentative as ALL GET OUT) people in the world and then you realize you've BECOME one of those people and you kind of want to just curl up in a nice quiet little hole in the ground with all your books and read and think until a complete and total understanding of the world falls out of your noggin and everything makes sense; but actually you just want to take a walk in the woods with a friend and not think about anything for at least a year.
#I have a paper due on the philosophy of math#at 8 AM TOMORROW#and my brain is NOT WORKING#and I really want to go cry for a while#but that's not really going to fix anything at all is it#on a related note if y'all want to pray for me... my emotions have returned and they really just want to process everything that's#happened for approximately my entire life at one time. and it's kind of hard to do all the things I think I should be doing right now#when that's going on#also thinking too much about trying to love people well and what that means and how bad at it I've been and it's hard not to get stuck ther#when there's basically nothing I can change anyway#(need to have an awkward convo with someone soon... for my sake probably more than theirs#I fear I haven't loved them well and it matters to me to know that our friendship hasn't been compromised#but unfortunately it's also strike one) a boy and strike two) a boy I like#and unfortunately he figured it out and I have a pretty good indication that he doesn't like me back. and I can't tell if he's interested i#a mutual friend#and I am AwkwardTM and trying not to let it bother me. but Fake It Till You Make It#(my philosophy since getting to college)#isn't really going that well for me in this case.#and I think an honest conversation would be the best thing for everyone... except I'm kinda terrified of that lol :') and I want to serve#him well not just serve my own emotions and need for validation)#prayers would be appreciated#that I will love others as they are meant to be loved and not just as I want to love them#or as my selfish emotions and desires think I want to love them#and that I'll be able to know when something needs to be said and when nothing at all is the best option for everyone#God sees and knows. and He loves me. and that is so /so/ hard to believe sometimes but I try to hold onto it with everything I have lately.#gurt says stuff#college stuff#philosophy#one day I'll look back and laugh at undergraduate me#personal tags
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youre my favourite isat fandom tumblr user i follow because you being an adult and knowing how kids work gives you such an interesting perspective on bonnie and how the others interact with bonnie (my favourite character) 👍 you post good bonnie posts. keep it up gamer
aww thanks!!! i’m best at ages 0-7 but i like to think i can extrapolate
#btw i’m always happy to help if anyone wants advice on characterization for bonnie or other child characters#!! ^^#(or advice on handling irl kid situations??)#i mean i guess sometimes i can’t if im super busy. but i want to…#i explaining things to kids AND i love explaining kids to people 😌#i like explaining things in general. i would make such a good teacher#[remembers i Am a teacher] that doesn’t count in this case bc i only get to explain 1 or 2 things per class#i ought to be a high school math tutor. under communism i would be a high school math tutor#that’s PURE explaining things#i live chasing the high of that one time i was teaching a 9th grader how to do arithmetic with negative numbers#silver.chat
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Maaan I love the optimistic advice "keep practicing and you'll get better at art" as much as the next artist, but it always rubs me the wrong way when that evolves into "just keep practicing and you WILL 100% succeed and CAN get into the industry."
It changes from good general advice to implying you're just doing something wrong if still haven't "made it" yet. Not in the industry? Well, you just haven't worked hard enough, obviously, as if there aren't plenty of other factors that play into "succeeding” in a highly competitive industry like art.
Don’t let advice that’s supposed to be encouraging turn into something discouraging 😭
#there’s a lot more to worming your way into the art industry than just. studying art real hard and working your bones off#hard work only gets you so far.#a lot of ‘success’ also starts at childhood and that goes for any industry#having supportive family and even better if they’re financially supportive#good early education. good physical and mental health. the ability to focus and do the same task over and over for hours#good social skills- because networking gets you a lot further than pure talent alone.#growing up in a convienaint location to even network at all. or the power to travel to such a location.#natural talent puts you ahead. brains work differently so it’s ignorant to pretend natural talent isn’t a thing#some take to a skill faster than others because their brain comes out more wired for it. so their skills develop easier and faster#music never came to me. I can’t hear the tone of my own voice most of the time. I DID study music and take mystic classes as a teen#it’s insulting to be banged over the head with ‘if you study music you’ll start to get it.’ I’m 28#I know myself and have tried during an age which music is easier to learn and yet I did not. I don’t have talent for it- my brain doesn’t-#-grasp it. the same with any art. some will struggle more to learn visual art ‘good enough’ for the industry#and implying that they just don’t get it yet becasue they haven’t tried hard enough is insulting#you can always get better. always always!! but sometimes grinding is just… grinding. fruitless and painful#I failed algebra twice as a teen. I couldn’t understand punnet squares till my 20s.#saying work harder and you’ll become a math professor would be insulting. implying I never tried to learn at all.#implying that even tho I took tutoring multiple times that maybe. if I just took one more. poor id suddenly be more able.#people work hard and it just clicks and 10 years later you’re in a great art industry job… you’re not the rule. you’re the exception#ugggh sorry :p just frustrated. sometimes people just don’t realize the kind of luck they’ve had in life and it irritates me
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love when this is referred to as the gifted kid website. shockingly my mental disorders made me mentally disordered and school never really vibed with that so. couldn’t be me
#ppl always talking about their whatever grade reading level and how many books they’d read as kids and im just over here like🧍🏽#I’ve never been actually bad at english or reading but I couldn’t focus on reading books to save my fucking life#I hated those sheets where you had to read like a certain number of books or whatever over the course of a semester or the year or whatever#my GATE test scores for english were super high but my math was bad enough that I never qualified#and adhd made me not even perform well in English half the time because I couldn’t pay attention I couldn’t read long books I couldn’t turn#in my assignments or if I did they were late and etc etc etc#don’t get me started with math#I was the worst in my class in third grade at minute math and never made it to the levels of minute math my classmates did#(they posted results on the wall for everyone to see)#and in 6th grade I was put into an additional remedial math class#throughout middle-high school I was at the level of most classmates in terms of the classes I took but that’s only because I was not allowe#to fail and was put through absolute fucking hell with a billion tutors and grueling hours of extra work from them and blah blah blah#like I remember how I felt in those tutoring sessions and half the time I actually wanted to cry.#I didn’t start doing solidly genuinely Good in school until senior year of high school.#not coincidentally around the same time I started taking adderall I think#I had accommodations by 9th grade but they didn’t do that much except for the function that let me turn in assignments up to 2 days late#without penalty. which i had teachers question sometimes and i had to pull the Yeah it’s Literally Against The Law to not allow me this car#anyway. point is. i was never in the gate program and most of my friends were and it was mostly adhd related#adhd is considered such a quirky nothing disorder nowadays that I don’t even like mentioning I have it really. because what people think of#when I say the term is Not what i actually dealt with and made school torturous and made my parents lash out at me for things and etc etc#depression and dysphoria did not help either. but I digress#I’m not sure why im making this post#kibumblabs
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I keep getting all these ace feelings when people say Pedro pascal is hot because like yes. He’s aesthetically nice to look at but also that is my tv dad do not sexualize him he means more than that.
#sometimes being ace is a curse of feelings of frustration with other people sexualizing others#and like… I do understand in the same way I understand math that he’s good looking but I also#do not emotionally understand math at a level that would compute attraction#and it makes me a lil uncomfortable partly because that’s a person but also because it makes me feel very alienated and confused#it’s the Tom Hiddleston made me understand I’m asexual thing all over again I swear#what it boils down to for me is that Pedro Pascal is Dad not Daddy#that man is my father and stands up for my community and I truly do love him as a tired dad#I feel very taken care of by him because of how he treats trans and queer people and publically defends and uplifts us#izzy at home#that late night bullshit
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one of the things that isn't really an issue but still slightly bugs me is how often the Mathematician™ in some piece of media will be doing some sort of complicated math and gets to the end like "aha! i have calculated that the solution to this equation is precisely... 42.876" because depending on the type of math the answers aren't even numbers any more. it's an equation or a set or just some weird abstract mathematical object. where are the scenes where they confidently declare that the answer to the problem they're solving is the general linear group of transformations of the two-dimensional vector space over the field F₇
#mathposting#this isn't to say that the solution will never be Just A Number btw (esp. in applied settings)#also anecdotally speaking sometimes math people just. forget how to add. myself included sometimes#you'll have people mentally determining galois groups in seconds but their brain bluescreens when trying to add fractions#anyways. this post brought to you by hearing someone playing the mean girls soundtrack earlier#which i actually think is a pretty good example of actually portraying the proper kind of math relevant to the characters#and it is high school calculus so it's not as hard as a writer trying to figure out what like. idk. an algebraic geometer would talk about#but some of the things i heard in the song at the math competition actually made sense#there were the generic lines like 'the answer is true' or just shouting out a number#like especially the line 'both polynomials are of 2nd degree so the asymptote is at y=3' made me think#okay you actually flipped through a calculus textbook and got some actual calculus theorems#crow.odt
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the people pleasing need to offer services to people vs the people pleasing fear that people won't like the way you helped them.
#people pleaser#people pleasing#struggling w this rn smh#why do i need to offer to everyone to do literally anything#im not that good at maths but i researched and went through my notes to help my friend#like i love doing things for people but sometimes its exhausting trying to make it perfect for them#made someones discord server channels and spent hours picking the right emojis and everything to make it fit their theme#that being said#if any of you guys ever want help with ANYTHING i do love being useful#and also i dont want you guys to struggke#im not that bad at maths i js have to check things i wont mess up for you guys
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It’s so hard to be exceptional while being normal in a family full of exceptional people . and I really don’t wanna seem like that “smart kid that complains over getting a 98% instead of 100” but those 2 points really matter in the grand scheme of things especially when the 98 is instead an 88 and when I have a pathetic average of Bs and the occasional A and whatever seems so bad compared to my genius family members and it sucks that because of one singular weakness I’ll never be as good as them, when I was raised so well qwith so many more opportunities than them anf yet I still do worse. why? ill never know and it’s making it hard to give it my all
#like why should I even give it my all when what was my all was never enough#too smart for the normal kids and too stupid for the smart kids lmfao#I’m not complaining idk this probably sounds very vain and rudimentary#idk how to explain my issues. I just need an outlet#I also think it’s the burnout lmfao#I also don’t mean this in a self deprecating way like ooojhj I don’t have any talents I’m soooo pathetic and useless!!! no.#I’m actually pretty mediocre at everything#Art never stuck around and writing I was always bad at#science’s the one thing I’m good at and yet I have so much math anxiety I’m practically less than average on it too#and my friends and family just have this image of me being this smart and this good and I’m just. idk. not all that?#seriously I don’t mean this in a vain manner#I’m just hiding the blunt of this in the tags#seriously. does anyone else feel this way?????#I always hated the division of smart kids vs average kids or dumb even#I just.dontjnow#science brings me joy but really it’s because it’s the thing I’m the most knowledgeable on#and I like how people ask me for help in science#and sometimes even maybe they can be impressed with the stuff Ido#but. yeah#this is a lot of repition#I hope this doesn’t go on anyone’s TLs cause that’ll be EMBARRASSING
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my reminder to not be a vulnerable idiot lol thanks I’m never opening up to someone again 🫡
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Sometimes it feels soooo weird not being depressed anymore
#i was sad from some memories earlier this week and my urge was just to go take a sulk in my depression hole#because it was comfortable in there!#but its not there anymore. it got filled in. and part of me was sad because it felt safe in there#and the other part of me remembered how much time and effort it took to fill in#so it felt like i was just looking at the space where it used to be. like sure i could dig a little#make it comfortable. do whatever. maybe get some sleep in.#but it never stayed in one place so i would probably end up tripping because of it#i love digging literal holes. it actually helped me out of my depression because the more you dug the bigger the hole got so i could see#that i was making a physical difference#and then i could put plants and shit in there#i came up with literally a million different metaphors for what i was going through in therapy. it felt like if i worded it#just right this time then i would understand it. and if i understood it i could fix it.#it was like math put into a word problem#i think the one that was most complete for me was a polluted river that would clog and poison#that even if you cleared up one clog pieces would break up and stop up some new area#and in a way that felt kind of hopeless. in another way you now had so much further you were able to go until you got clogged#and each time you broke it up and took pieces out#the less there would be at the next one#and that really did help the logical side of me. helped me deal with the work i needed to keep doing.#but the emotional side always came back to the hole#because the thing about a really deep hole is that you only get light when the sun is perfectly over you#if at all#and noon is so very little of the day#but the shallower that hole gets#the more time you have in the light#and one day you get a full minute to see by#and another day you get a whole hour#and these are insane moments. for me realizing i was getting a whole hour of sun was one of the best days of my life#so yeah. sometimes i miss the dark and the cool dirt. but then i remember just how good being in that sun was for the first time#just being able to relax in it. not needing to take my quick breath for another 24 hours under. not having to rush to fill in the hole.
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when people complain about getting like, a 98% grade on something because it was "so close to perfect" its like. i understand what you're saying on a technical level. but that is a line of thought so far away from my experiences and ways of thinking that i do feel like im from another planet. 100% isnt even a real number to me
#i kinda understand when its something like a multiple choice test or something where there is an objective answer#it might feel like u got so close but just missed one#again still a bit alien to me because my scholarly performance is mysterious and anything over 70 is great to me#but i mean ive had a 98 before once in a math test. i did get exactly 1 bit of 1 question wrong#but i didnt really care that it was one off from perfect i was too busy being happy because that was the highest mark id ever received#and the previous math test i had taken got a 53% . grade 11 was a wild time for me in math class GHJKSHFKds#anyway i kinda see where ur coming from with stuff with right or wrong answers like that#but i sometimes get friends in class complain that they got a 95 or something on an art assignment#because they think they got docked 5 points for one or two little things#but i dunno. thats not really how fine arts departments in university tend to grade things#you dont start at 100 and get docked marks for things you got wrong. i dont think ive ever seen a 100% on something like that#tbh the numbers are a little arbitrary i find. i do prefer to try to get em higher because that helps with grants and stuff#but the numbers dont mean all that much in fine arts or in art history (my two majors) a 75 and a 95 can function the same depending on lik#weighting and context and feedback and whatever. i dunno its a wild world out there#it might just be the perspective of someone who did really goodbad in school. (GoodBad (tm) its when ur good but also kinda bad at school!)#compared to someone who got a lot of perfects in mandatory schooling. i sympathise i really do that kind of pressure sounds insane#but while i sympathize i cant really empathize as much unfortunately with this specifically orz its a world very far outside my purview!#100%s arent real to me so they never cross my mind to be worried about LOL
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pretty much all my friends from high school or college are either in political science/government or STEM. the token non-stem friend.
#sometimes it makes me feel really dumb and no one wants to go to the theater w me :(#i mean i am not a performing arts person in terms of my career or skills but i like performing arts#i know i'm not dumb i'm good at a lot of things but i'm not good at math#and like half my friends are stem phd students
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Actually it is SO weird to me to remember that I was an engineering student and that later on I had been pursuing a minor in statistics
I may be a IT & com person in the end, but I do have the foundations of engineering and statistics in my brain too. Wild !
#speculation nation#if i hadnt liked coding so much i probably wouldve still been an engineer.#like my school does a first year engineering track where u learn the basics and then explore different engineering options#so by ur second year u choose your official track and that decides the rest of your schooling.#and id been thinking about computer & electrical engineering. often goes hand in hand.#guys i couldve been an electrical engineer. honestly that wouldve been so cool. wasnt meant to be tho 👍#i took a coding class my 2nd semester. first experience with coding. it was in C. i LOVED it.#and it got me comparing computer engineering and computer science and i decided that i wanted to do computer science#but well the intro course for that fucking sucked. didnt wanna go back to engineering either bc i hated engineering lol#im smart enough but it's fuckin soul sucking man.#eventually tho i found my way to my current home. im a techie :3 and im happy with that.#anyways do i seem like the kind of person who was into engineering and statistics? sometimes it's weird for me to remember.#but i did spent Years assuming id end up as an engineer. my grandpa was one. my dad was studying to be one b4 he dropped out#and my sister is one. just kinda runs in the family i guess. & so i was So Sure that was where i was going.#took. an engineering class in high school and everything. taught me some good foundational skills in modeling#also was the class that let me develop my signature. bc we had a notebook we had to sign the top of every day#so me doing my signature over and over again. i decided to use it as an opportunity to make it My Own. rather than just my name in cursive.#so yeah im a techie that talks good but i do have that math brain. engineering basis. statistics knowledge.#kinda feel like a jack of all trades (master of none) with it all. but see thats a good thing for companies (i hope)#ive got foundational knowledge of many things. and i am Adaptable. they can teach me the in depth shit i need to know themselves.#and i Also have my work experience in management... which i hope will help my case when applying to companies too.#aaaahhh!!! so many things to think about!!! but at the end of the day i am smart & educated and i will be a good asset to any company i join#i just need to convince them of that 😂 but i can probably figure something out. something !!!#i will graduate college and get some kind of IT job that pays decently & work my way up to maybe someday being an IT manager or smth#i can finally start. truly growing up. instead of being stuck in forever college unable to drive myself anywhere.#have my IT job and a car and the ability to do Whatever i want.... god i want it so bad.#im just daydreaming by this point. god im so excited to finally graduate college.
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could never get/relate to gifted kids talk because i was that bitch who was always put in the remedial classes. primarily math, but because of that it took me down pegs from the higher up english/history classes i could have taken
#not gifted in school not bad at school. a secret third thing. too autistic in the not good at school way#my english grades were always a's/b's#math? solid c. sometimes b's depending on the teacher#science? failed two science classes all through high school babey (teacher and i weren't compatible for the type of help i needed)#my guidance counselor my sr year didn't want me taking the anatomy class bc 'it was the hardest science class'#but i needed SOMETHING that fit my schedule so i didn't have to drop something else#and that was it and i got a solid c/b in that class bc the teacher was GREAT and i could do lab tests one on one with her <3#it's honestly just one of those things where sometimes the teacher is the problem and their teaching methods. are. not right for you#personal
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gotta get up early for class tomorrow im so sleepy but i suddenly felt the urge to calculate how much money's been spent on my post secondary education till now and i literally feel nauseous
#LIKE.... what the fuck .#and the way my contribution has been minimal how am i ever gonna like . repay my dad for this#also how does he just .....spend so much . he'll always pay for anything school related w/o saying anything weird#like why is this genuinely making me crysjrjfjskwkfj#i KNEWWWW it was a lot but i was just thinking id love to pay him back for it somehow#so i was like lemme pull up all my undergrad invoices and the current stuff too and i did the math and .....#LIKE I FEEL SICK obv i have Issues w my dad but sometimes i feel so bad for him his dad passed away when he was 15#so i feel like he jas that Thing for like being super present in his kids' lives#and education is like a Biiiiig thing for him bc he had to work and earn and pay for his own (ig his mom helped as much as she could)#THIS IS MAKING ME SOB IM SO SAD#and the way i cant even fucking find a job to at least earn SOMETHINGGGG i can help with its so stupid#anyway idk Whats going on in my brain rn i should sleep god#like im so grateful but theres so much guilt too ??#desi culture is insane bc imagine you work your whole entire life and then you have to pay for every one of ur kids' education weddings etc#OK GOOD NIGHT will i delete this is it too . personal . idk#h talks
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