#miguel with his toes out ... sir

[transgender-catboy]

had a bite, hope you don't mind

Happy Birthday to my pal!!!!

per proud spider-man tradition, I am late on this

[astroboots]

Past Lives

Author's note: Prequel to Every You Ever Me (but can be read as standalone).

Pairing: Miguel O'Hara x female reader

Summary: You meet Miguel O'Hara for the first time in a life-changing encounter.

Word count: 1.3k words

Spiderverse Masterlist | Astroboot’s Masterlist 

You're standing on platform B at Main Street station, teeth chattering as you zip up your jacket. You're freezing your tits off.

This is why you don't like going all the way to Flushing. As bad as the stations get closer to the city, reeking of piss, body odor and stale vomit, at least it's always warm underground. Out here, there's no shelter, the tracks are exposed to elements.

It seems as if you are the only one stupid enough to come out here at 6 am on a Sunday, because there's barely anyone else here on the platform.

It's dreary and dark. The leftover snow has melted leaving only grey sludge and a slipping hazard behind.

From the corner of your eyes, you spot movement on the tracks.

You don't think much of it at first. Must be another oversized rodent feasting on discarded pizza, except... it's much too large for that, maybe a dog?

Your head whips back to get a closer look and the sight has your blood freezing to ice.

Is... Is that a man?

You stare at the bulky build crouched over on the tracks. Even as he's bent down, you can see that the man must be freakishly all.

"Sir?" You call out hesitantly.

He doesn't answer you. Doesn't pay you any attention at all. Is he drunk? He's dressed in dark blue spandex from head to toe, obscuring any facial features, wearing a sparkling Lucha Libre mask like he's on his way to WWE.

Yeah, definitely drunk then.

You glance up nervously at the departure board. The green LED light ominously reads: "4 Min".

If the man doesn't get off the tracks he's going to be pancaked by the oncoming train.

Walking up closer to the ledge, you shout across to him. "Hey! You need to get off the tracks."

He doesn't move out of the way.

Shit!

You don't understand. How did he get there. There wasn't anyone on there just a second ago. You would've heard if someone had jumped down from the platform. Where did he come from? Did he materialize out of thin air?

"There's an oncoming train," you try again. It doesn't make a lick of difference from the first time you shouted.

Why you think you can talk sense into a drunk who seemingly can't hear you (or is pretending to not hear you) is beyond you.

Glancing up at the board, you only have 3 minutes left now. It would be entirely too late to call for staff to help. By the time they'd show up the man would already be tomato paste across the tracks.

"Sir!" you shout again. But nothing.

Shit. shit shit shit.

He's not moving of his own accord. The only thing that could get him to budge would be to tackle him... which is absurd for you to do. You must be nearly half his size.

But what else are you supposed to do? Stand by and watch a man die?

You get queasy at the doctors when they draw blood for check ups. You cry when the dog dies in a horror movie. You would never be able to walk away from a man dying, only a few feet away from you. It would haunt you for the rest of your life.

In the corner of your eyes, 3 minutes turn to 2. Before you have the time to slow down your thoughts and properly think, you're already scooting down against the ledge and jumping down the track.

What the fuck are you doing. Why are you risking your life for a drunken stranger?

Your heart is hammering through your chest, beating its way up your throat. You feel queasy with adrenaline as you squeeze your eyes tightly shut.

In the total darkness behind your eyes, you leap forward, with your entire body weight as you slam into him.

There's an angry growl of surprise as you make contact. The man is built like a brick wall. It's like you ran up to a building and collided with hard concrete.

Both of you tumble across the tracks and in that split second that seems to last forever, there is a pandemonius roar that bellows out behind you. Wind whips past your side so hard that it's painful, and you think to yourself that maybe you didn't make it in time.

Except you did.

Because when you open your eyes, instead of eternal darkness all you see are scarlet red eyes, staring up at you with wide shock. You've never seen eyes like this before. They shine like rubies even in the dim dark.

Underneath the blue mask, the man is gorgeous. All sharp angles, and cut jaw with pouty lips that belongs to a Hollywood starlet-- Wait where's the mask?

You could've sworn that he was wearing a mask over his face before.

You don't get to contemplate on that thought for long. There's a flash of glaring light blinding you, the grinding screech of gears closing in.

Oh fuck.

The northbound train is arriving.

You need to get up. Need to climb over the ledge before it's here. You try to raise yourself up on your elbows, but the strength is zapped out of you. Rubble digs into your knees. Everything stings and burns.

The yellowed lights are too close, the screeching of metal is right in your ears.

Oh shit. Oh fuck. Oh god! There isn't enough time. You're going to die.

A strong grip envelops your waist, hoisting you up. The ground below you disappears. You don't know how, but gravity seems to fall away, and you find yourself high up in the air as the sight of train tracks recedes.

You're flying.

Looking up, you see the man's face once again covered in the blue mask from before. He's holding onto you with one arm, while the other is stretched outwards into the empty air. There's web connecting his hand to the sky as he swings you through the landscape of Flushing beneath your feet.

From up here, even something as vast as New York looks small.

He lands the both of you on solid ground, on a nearby rooftop, arms still wrapped firmly around you as he sets you down on your toes and doesn't let go until the back of your heel is firmly planted.

You on the other hand, are still holding onto him tightly. Hands in a death grip into the muscle of his forearm.

Up close, he's staggeringly tall. The angle you have to crane your neck to look up at him feels unnatural, like you're observing a landmark monument, not just a person.

The mask disintegrates, the red and blue material disintegrating to reveals his face to you again.

You're too stupefied by the events that have taken place in the last few minutes to react appropriately

"Are you--" you start, but you don't know how else to finish that sentence. Is he what? What do you want to ask him after he flew up in the sky and saved you? Is he human? an alien? Do you ask him what just happened? Where he came from? Why the hell he was on the train tracks and didn't move! even though you told him to?

You blink up at him, running through each one of the questions and stupidly instead, you settle for the simplest one of all.

"Are you okay?"

He's smiling at you, an amused expression glinting in his eyes.

"Yeah, I'm okay," he answers.

Stretching out an arm above him, a string of web shoots out from the palm of his hand into the sky.

"See you around," he says. Then he swoops into the air and he’s gone. 

Author's notes: I got some questions a while back about how Miguel meets Nena, and this is part of that answer.

I don’t have a tag list but please follow me on astroboots-writes and turn on notifications to be notified when I post something new!

[guilty-pleasures21]

Maybe this will just be my trash one.

I know this is cheating, but I re-wrote part 2 and I am MUCH happier with the result! So happy that I've already planned out all the other parts of this chapter and just have to write them out before posting them 😄.

1. Um ... yeah ...

Part 1 - the beginning

Part 2 - the car

Part 3 - the detectives

Part 4 - the contract

Part 5 - the clothes

Warnings: a lot of touching and mentions of arousal.

_______________________________________________

     Her steps were slow and careful as she walked to the car, her eyes flickering around her surroundings discreetly to search for a possible escape route. But Francesco had locked her far away in the countryside, the only thing for miles the rolling hills of green around them. She felt Miguel increase the pressure on her lower back and she sped up her steps a little. He kept his hand on her as he reached forward to open the car door and she lowered her head as she entered, stepping into it meekly. Her eyes remained on her feet as Miguel slid in next to her and she curled her toes in her sneakers awkwardly. She'd put them on when they'd left, but they looked so at odds with his silky black shirt, the luxurious material feeling like nothing at all against her skin. They started moving and X reached up to grab her seatbelt. 

     He looked up from his phone when he heard the ‘click’, his attention momentarily pulled away from the blog post Margot had sent him. Sure, it wasn't the most reliable source, but it seemed like Francesco maybe hadn't failed his wife in every aspect of their relationship. Miguel glanced over at X to find that she was already watching him out of the corner of her eye, her hands curled around her seatbelt as she snuck a look at him. She startled when he met her gaze and quickly looked away, turning her attention to the miles of nothingness around them instead. Miguel grinned at her apprehension and set his phone aside before unclicking her seatbelt and dragging her closer to him. 

     She whimpered as her knee crashed into his, taken aback by the sudden gesture, and moved her grip to her bag instead. She didn't know why he hadn't stopped her from bringing it along, but at least she might still be able to find a way out of her current predicament. She had her passport, after all, along with her phone and all the money Francesco had had wired to her account. Sure, she didn't have any proper clothes right then, but she could always buy some new ones at the airport. If they'd even let her in in her current state. She shook her head, trying to get rid of the negative thoughts - she couldn't think like that. She just had to hold her head high and strut into the airport like the rich man's wife she was. The rich man's wife she'd been, that is. 

     He scratched her knee lightly, watching with amusement as the thoughts flitted across her face. She really was cute; engulfed by his large shirt as she sat there scheming against him. “¿Qué pasa, cariño? Why are you suddenly acting so shy, mi angelita?” 

     She swallowed down a scoff, offended by the teasing note in his voice. But she couldn't hide the way her eyebrows scrunched together over her eyes, her features betraying her anger. 

     “Mi-” She paused suddenly, biting down on her tongue to keep his name from falling from her lips. She didn't want him to think they'd established some sort of friendship - some form of casual intimacy that might lead him to think that they were …. accomplices or something. She wasn't his accomplice! She hadn't intended to help him. She'd just … gotten carried away, that’s all. She cleared her throat, hoping her voice sounded firm when she next spoke. “Sir.” 

     She turned to face him, sitting up straight so that he couldn't drape himself all over her like he kept trying to do. “You got what you wanted, right? I helped you out with those … those papers?”

     It wouldn't do to give away how much she really knew: no one ever suspected the bimbo, after all, the naive and spoilt rich man's wife who didn't give a damn about anything but how many zeros were on the price tag of the new Cartier bracelet she wanted (the more, the better). “So, um …” 

     She hesitated, trying to figure out how to phrase it. Kidnappers were more inclined to let their victims go when they showed them sympathy; when they pretended to have feelings for them and understand the reasons behind the actions. Maybe all those true crime documentaries she was obsessed with would finally pay off. Take that, Francesco! X placed her hand over Miguel's, rearranging her features into a reassuring expression. 

     “Thank you,” she told him, holding his gaze so he'd think she meant it. “For all your help regarding my … my vile husband.” She placed one hand over her mouth and the other over her stomach, then shuddered like she was trying to hold back a sob. 

     “I can’t … I can’t believe he would lie to me like that!” she choked out, wondering if she should try to squeeze some tears out too. She took a deep breath and straightened, making a show of gathering her strength. Then she turned back to Miguel, his fiery gaze already fixed on her as he watched her carefully. “I appreciate all that you’ve done for me, Miguel, I …”

     She reached a hand out, as if she meant to cup his face, but then her eyes began to drift over his angled features before finally coming to a rest on his lips. She swallowed hard as her mouth began to water at the memory of them against hers, on her neck, her breasts, her- She froze, realising she'd been leaning towards him, then dropped her hand back to her lap and twisted away from him. Shit! She hoped he wouldn't get distracted and try to touch her again; try to keep her and use her until he got bored of her. Because what would he do with her then? 

     “I just … I just want to go home, Miguel,” she tried again, her chest tightening with genuine desperation this time as she looked up at him. “Please?” 

     She dug her nails into her palms as memories of her parents and her sister and their small flat back home overtook her. Home. How long had it been since she'd had a home? Since she'd had a place she felt welcome in, a place she felt safe going back to every night. She sighed and sank into Miguel's side, all the fight leaving her at the thought. “Can you please just take me home?” 

     She'd been lying before, when she’d been playing dumb about her husband’s documents. But then she’d started talking about home and he could tell that she meant it. He knew what it felt like, after all; being chased out of the only home you’d ever known - the only place you’d ever truly felt safe. He brushed her hair away from her face, noting the tears hovering on the tips of her eyelashes. 

     It took her by surprise, the tenderness of his gesture, the gentleness of his fingers as they wiped the tears away from her cheeks. She pulled herself up again to gauge his reaction and her heart began speeding up in her chest as she waited to see if he'd bought it. 

     His eyes flitted across her face, jumping from one feature to the next before finally settling on her lips. He tipped her chin up and lowered his face to hers, bringing their mouths just a breath apart. She shivered as he ran his thumb across her lower lip, as his words rumbled through her bones, his voice low and thick like honey when he next spoke. “Where would you like me to take you, angelita?” 

     Her eyelids fluttered shut and she leaned forward slightly, her body moving almost instinctively towards his. He grinned, delighted, and pressed his lips to hers, his hand moving to cup her face and hold her in position against him. He moaned as she kissed him back, the movements of her tongue slow and sweet against his, and he grabbed her waist, trying to tug her on top of him.

     She slid her hand up his thigh from where she'd been holding onto his knee to maintain her balance. He was so large and strong and she could feel her p*ssy begin to throb at the feeling of his muscles between her fingers, at the proximity of her hand to his c*ck. She sighed at the sound of his satisfied moans and scratched her nails along the joint between his pelvis and his thigh. She yelped as he nipped at her lower lip in response, then let out a moan of her own when he glided his hand up her thigh, his fingers slipping beneath her shirt and between her legs. 

     He moved his mouth to her neck as he rubbed her the inside of her thigh with his thumb, teasing her with how close his fingers were to her exposed p*ssy. She whined in protest as he refused to touch her where she wanted him most and he chuckled at the sweet sound. 

     “Mmm, angelita ..." He groaned against her neck and her head fell back with pleasure as the vibrations of his deep voice caused her to shudder against him. He growled and grazed his teeth along her throat, nibbling his way up to her jaw and nudging her head aside to expose more of her skin to him. She was so small, so deliciously small beneath him, and he couldn't wait to get her back to his place and pin her down on his bed, trapping her tiny form underneath him.

     “Mmm, shit,” X murmured, sliding her hand up his torso, his chest bare beneath his jacket. Her nipples tingled at the memory of being pressed up against him, the defined lines of his muscles pushing into her skin and pleasuring her immensely. She bit her lip and slipped her fingers into his hair as he continued to lick and suck on her neck, the citrus and nutmeg scent of him causing her stomach to flip with excitement. “Migue-" 

     Wait. Miguel?! Hoh! ‘Shit’ was right! Not ‘shit, Miguel’, but ‘shit! Miguel!’. She pushed herself away from him quickly, sliding back across to the other side of the car and putting some distance between them. 

     ¿Qué p*tas? Miguel opened his eyes as the hand that had been holding X fell to the seat. He stayed hunched over like that for a while, his eyes fixed on the black leather beneath him as he tried to catch his breath. Why had she moved away from him so suddenly? His fingers curled into a fist and he looked up at her, his coppery eyes blazing as he raised an eyebrow in question. 

     “Angelita.” He straightened and ran a hand through his dishevelled locks, pushing his wavy hair out of his eyes. “What the hell was that?!” 

     She opened and closed her mouth, stammering for a response as she gestured between the two of them. But how could she give him a response when she herself couldn't understand what had just happened? She twisted around in her seat and pressed herself against the window, doing her utmost to avoid any part of him - God, she was so unnecessarily horny that even the sight of him seemed enough to make her wet! What the hell had he done to her?! 

     “I don't even know you, Miguel!” she reiterated, as if that was the biggest problem she was facing right now. She stretched her arm behind her, holding a hand up in surrender, but kept her head turned staunchly away from him. “I’ll go home! I’ll go home! Just … drop me off in town or something! I can figure it out. Just … I’ll never see you again! I promise!”

     That was not at all how he'd wanted her to respond. She'd never see him again? Why didn't she want to see him again? “Why would I do that?” 

     Finally, she turned back to him, her jaw dropped open in horror. He couldn't possibly want to keep her, could he? Like she was some pet he could play with when he was bored? The very idea made her stomach curdle - she was so much better than that! “Because! I have nothing else to offer you!” 

     He pursed his lips as he let his eyes trail over her delicious little body. Not that he'd actually keep her for that - she was much too smart to let that brilliant brain of hers just rot away like Francesco had. But it was too much fun watching how she responded to his teasing, her emotions spilling out of her like she'd never been taught how to keep them locked away. He rubbed his chin, pretending to think about it as he lifted his gaze back to hers. 

     “I don't know, cariño,” he admitted truthfully. “I think you have much more to offer me than your ‘husband’ ever did.” His lips twitched at the ends in anticipation of the outburst he knew was coming. X scoffed in indignation, offended by the suggestion. 

     “I'm not going to do that!” she exclaimed, glaring up at him in anger. He raised an eyebrow and she gulped as she suddenly remembered the gun strapped to his waist. “Sir.”

Miguel bit his lip as he curled his fingers around her thigh and pulled her back to him. 

     “I don't think that's having the effect you want it to, cariño,” he advised her, his minty breath caressing her ear as he bent over to murmur in it. “It's only getting me harder than if you'd just say my name.”

He pressed a lingering kiss to the base of her ear and she squealed with frustration at the way her body kept reacting to the feeling of him around her - to the scent of him curling around her insides and squeezing them tight. She pulled herself out of his grasp and zipped back across to the other side of the car, panting heavily as she tried to calm her racing heart. 

     He growled in irritation as he almost fell over onto the seat again. ¡Carajo, she had to stop doing that! He pushed himself back up and glared at her furiously, waiting for an explanation. 

     “I'm not … I'm not some ‘call girl’, Miguel. I have a degree.” She sniffed and turned her head away from him as she folded her arms across her chest. “A good one.” 

     She looked so cute when she was upset with him that he felt all his frustration melt away immediately. “And? Who says call girls don't have degrees?” 

     X shifted in her seat uncomfortably, slightly embarrassed at his call out. Miguel reached a hand out and tickled her knee with his fingernails, noticing her sudden change in demeanour.

     “You can make good money being a call girl,” he informed her, his tone gentle like he was trying to convince her of it. “Pay off some of those student loans from your ‘good degree’.”

     She frowned at his mocking tone, her eyebrows scrunching together as she scowled up at him, her lush lips twisting down at the ends. F*ck, he wanted to kiss her again. 

     “I don't have any student loans,” she revealed to him. She'd worked hard for her scholarship. And then again to keep it, always forgoing nights out and social get-togethers in favour of late-night study sessions by herself. And whatever her scholarship hadn't covered, Francesco had eventually taken care of. She peeked over at Miguel and her expression softened as she studied his broad build, his tanned skin, his defined muscles. “And besides, if it's such a good job, then why don't you do it?” 

     X looked up at him as she waited for his response, doing her best not to smile at the suddenly thunderous expression on his face. “I'm sure you'd easily hit a billion within a few years.”

     “Angelita.” His tone was warning, his little fangs peeking out from between his lips as he scowled at her. He really was good-looking - unfairly so. X shot him a smug smile, victory shooting through her as she finally gained the upper-hand. 

     “See?” she pointed out to him. “You don't think it's a respectable profession either.” Miguel opened his mouth to retort, but closed it again when he found himself unable to think of anything. He crossed his arms over his chest, impressed. 

     “Well, anyway, no te preocupes, mi angelita (don't worry, my little angel),” he reassured her, “that's not what I was thinking about.”

It was entirely a lie: he didn't want to have to pay her for it - to keep her locked up in a bedroom somewhere, just waiting for him to visit her and have his way with her. No, he wanted her to want it too; to want to feel his skin on hers, his lips against hers, the both of them worshipping and exploring one another with equal desperation. He wanted her to want him. But that could wait. 

     “You were a scientist, right?” he asked her unexpectedly. “Before you got married. A pretty good one too. What happened?” 

     X's eyes widened at the question and her heart started pounding in her chest with panic. She shook her head slightly, rearranging her features back into an expression of disinterest before she turned to face him. “I got bored.” 

     She waved away his concerns and folded her arms across her chest, trying to assume the role of a spoiled rich man's wife that Francesco had tried to instil in her. But Miguel didn't buy it for a second. She was good at it, sure - manipulating people to get what she wanted. She'd spent her whole life at the mercy of rich and powerful men, after all, she must have picked up some tips along the way. But there was something between them, something that made it feel like they'd known each other forever. Something that felt a little bit like home. “Of being a wanted criminal?” 

     He leaned back in his seat after saying it, feigning that same look of boredom she was trying so hard to emulate. Only he'd had far more practice than she had.

     “Sounds pretty exciting to me,” he confessed, his lips curling into a lazy smirk as he looked over at her. “But what would I know about that?” 

     She wanted to scream. She wanted to pull at her hair and yell in frustration and throw a full on tantrum at that infuriating look he kept giving her, smirking at her like he knew every single detail about her life. Well, eff him! She turned to face him, pretending to look unimpressed.

     “What would you know about that, El Araña?” she asked, pulling out her trump card. She'd heard her husband ranting about him before: Miguel O'Hara, the smuggler with a network of contacts so widespread, it was as if he'd weaved an entire web across the globe. But she hadn't wanted to say anything before; when she'd still had hope that he might let her go. Miguel narrowed his eyes at her for the briefest of seconds - but it was all the confirmation she needed. 

     He reached out to twirl a strand of her hair around his finger, thinking. Maybe he wasn't as good at reading her as he thought. How long had she been playing dumb for? Just in the car? Or since she'd ‘unknowingly’ handed over the bank statements for Francesco's off-shore accounts? Or maybe before that, even, when she'd fallen into his arms and looked up at him with that seemingly innocent, seemingly naive expression on her face? “What do you want to know?” 

     She frowned, confused. “About what?” 

     “About me.” He didn't know why, but he felt like he could be honest with her; like he could share his life with her and not be judged for the things he'd had to do to survive. Just as she'd done.

     X narrowed her eyes at him in suspicion, not wanting to trust him. But if he was giving her the opportunity … 

     “How old are you?” Something simple. Something she probably should have asked him before she'd … before they'd … well … 

     “Twenty-nine.” Her eyes widened betraying her surprise. That young?! Well, she didn't think he'd be that much older than her - and she supposed twenty-five was also a pretty young age to be married. But to be so notorious - so infamous - before he'd even hit thirty?! The man was either a genius or insane. She considered him carefully. Or maybe a little bit of both.

     He smirked at the stunned look on X's face. He liked that she seemed impressed more than anything. Not afraid or horrified or … pitying. He didn't need anyone's pity. 

     “How old were you when you started?” X inquired.

     “My own one?” She nodded eagerly, curious now to find out more. 

     He'd been involved with gangs and cartels for almost as long as he could remember, doing his best to survive in spite of his parents. They’d always been too concerned with their own problems, constantly yelling and shouting at one another over whatever minor flaw they'd picked up on in the other. And forget about his biological father - the man had abandoned him even before he'd been born, leaving him to suffer at the hands of his mother's abusive husband instead. In the end, he'd been forced to just run away entirely, dragging his younger brother with him in the dead of night. And it was in that moment that he'd vowed to do whatever it took to survive; whatever it took to ensure that his brother never fell victim to the same fate that he had. “Twenty-three. But I still had a hard time convincing people to take a chance on me.” 

     X nodded thoughtfully as she leaned back against her seat. Twenty-three … She'd started her first job then; the one she'd worked at for a year before applying to do her PhD. And she, too, had spent that year trying to convince others to take a chance on her. She slid her gaze over to him, trying to imagine him at twenty-three, lost and desperate to please, still building up the bravado that cloaked him now. She'd have been nineteen then, when he'd been twenty-three. And sure her life hadn't been perfect, but at least she'd never had to wander the streets, always unsure when the next meal would come. She opened her mouth, wanting to ask him why he'd done it. But then she decided that she didn't want to know just yet. “Do you like it?”

     It was a strange question, one he'd never thought about before. Though no one had ever thought to ask him either: they all just assumed from his confident façade that he enjoyed having such power at his fingertips. None of them knew how difficult it was for him to fall asleep every night - how he still couldn't get used to having a proper bed beneath him, his body hardened from years spent sleeping on whatever flat surface he could find. Or how he'd get lost in his thoughts sometimes, his heart squeezing in his chest as the sounds of phantom gunshots rang through his ears. And the paranoia? Always having to assess every look, every intonation, every slight wiggle of fingers? Sometimes, he questioned if it was even worth it. “I don't know.”

     A bittersweet expression crossed X's features at his quiet admission. 

     “The greater the risk, the greater the reward.” Her voice was soft when she spoke, but still loud enough for him to catch the words. “But the higher you climb, the further you have to fall.” 

     Miguel shifted in his seat uncomfortably, hating how sombre the mood had suddenly become. “What about you? Did you like it?” 

     She blinked slowly as she digested the question, trying to pull herself out of her thoughts.

     “Of course!” She lowered her gaze quickly, embarrassed by her enthusiasm. “Of course I loved it: I wouldn't have tried to keep going otherwise.” 

     He didn't like it when she was sad, he realised suddenly. It made his stomach curdle and his blood boil with fury at whatever could have caused it. He slung his arm over the back of her seat and his voice was tender when he next spoke. “Then why'd you stop?” 

     X fidgeted with her fingers, hesitating with her response. He'd been honest with her so far, answering her questions and sharing his emotions with her - despite all his teasing. She couldn't figure out why he'd decided to trust her like that, but some part of her ached to reciprocate his authenticity, to bare her heart to him and have someone else know, for once, the fear that threatened to rip her into pieces.

     “I didn't want to … but I guess I was selfish,” she admitted, glancing up at him nervously to see his response. “I didn't want to get hurt either.” 

     Miguel ran his fingers through her hair, overcome with the sudden urge to comfort her, to protect her. He bent over and pressed his lips against the side of her head, mumbling into her hair. “You won't get hurt, angelita. I'll make sure of it.” 

     He squeezed her thigh in promise and she knew that he meant it, for some reason. He relaxed his grip on her, then began sliding his hand up her leg as his lips drifted down her neck. X dug her fingers into the edge of her seat, her body tightening in excitement at the way he'd wrapped himself back around her. 

     “What-” She bit down on her tongue as a whimper threatened to escape her at the feeling of his teeth grazing the side of her neck. Shit, he was too good. She swallowed down her rapidly growing arousal and tried again. “What …”

     She lost her train of thought as he continued to brush his lips and tongue along her skin, his gentle licks and appreciative suckles causing her brain to go numb and her p*ssy to start leaking. 

     “Mmm, angelita.” He moved his hand to her other thigh, his fingers ghosting across her centre as he did so. “Or should I say ‘arañita’?” He grinned against her neck at the idea and slid his hand up her waist, relishing the feeling of her smooth curves beneath his palm. 

     “Will you be my arañita, cariño? Will you …” He ran his fingers up the centre of her torso, narrowly avoiding her breasts, and she shivered at the feeling. He chuckled at her reaction, delighting in the effect he continued to have on her, and trailed his fingers back down her body. “Will you be my smart little arañita? Help me expand my web?” 

     He tickled the base of her abdomen with his fingernails and her entire body seized up at the sensation. Hooooly shit! She could barely hear what he was saying, her mind so fuzzy with desire at the feeling of his hands running all over her, his low voice vibrating through her bones, his masculine scent overwhelming her senses. “Mmm, Miguel …”

     She let out a sweet little moan as her back arched off the seat, her body begging for his touch, and he moved his hand back to her waist. 

     “F*ck,” he breathed, pulling her hips closer to his. He bent over, burying his face in the crook of her neck, and groaned against her skin. “Sound so pretty when you say my name like that. Say it again, cariño, say my name.” 

     She opened her mouth to do as he said, all rational thought flying out of her brain at the desire in his voice - at the desperation in his every frenzied touch. But wait. There was something else she needed to say, something she was supposed to ask him. And then … Miguel? Miguel! Again?! She wriggled out from underneath his grip and pulled her legs into her chest, curling up in her seat and shielding herself from him. 

     There she went again, pulling herself away from him when she clearly wanted him as badly as he wanted her! Miguel huffed in irritation as his hand fell to the seat beside him. Again. “What now, arañita?!” 

     “What … What do you mean?” she stammered, her heart fluttering at the way his chocolate-coloured hair fell into his eyes as he glared at her. But now was not the time - she had to focus. “When you say you want me to help you ‘expand your web’?” 

     He smirked at her, fixing her with a knowing look. And after the wave of arousal that hit her at the sight had passed, her insides began clenching in horror. No. He couldn't possibly be asking her ... that. He … He couldn't mean for her to … to … Miguel sat back in his seat, a satisfied expression taking over his handsome features as he saw the realisation cross her face. X waved her hands around, panicked. “Why?!” 

     “Why not?” Miguel shrugged. As if it wasn't a big deal. As if it wasn’t the reason she'd lost everything, the reason she'd had to pack up and leave behind the only life she'd ever known, locked away in the countryside like she was in exile. 

     “Because!” X uncurled herself and almost jumped out of her seat in alarm. “These are …” 

     ‘These are dangerous people, Miguel,’ she wanted to say. But he was a dangerous person, too. And he probably dealt with far more dangerous people everyday. But these dangerous people had money. Lots of it. And they didn't have to hide it in offshore accounts and pretend like they couldn't afford to buy the whole damn Champs-Élysées if they wanted to. “These people work for billion dollar companies, Miguel. They can … They can ruin your life!” 

     ‘Like they ruined mine.’ She didn't have to say the words for him to hear them. He'd read that blog post - the one piece of information that had evaded Francesco's notice when he'd scoured the internet for any traces of his wife. So he knew how they'd framed her for unethical practices, then brought her to court to sue her into oblivion and ensure she'd never be able to conduct research again. It had all been a conspiracy, of course; an excuse to make sure that the big pharma companies would still be able to reap the profits off the life-prolonging drugs they used to manage cancer - but not treat it: that wouldn't be nearly as profitable. He reached across to brush her hair away from her face, his blood boiling at the thought of anyone hurting her, then he moved his hand to her chin, gripping it and pulling her towards him. His eyes fell to her mouth and he watched it part as he ran his thumb along her lush lower lip. 

     “Arañita,” he began, his lips curling into a wicked grin as he lifted his gaze back up to hers. “I am a billion dollar company, cariño.”

     Ugh! She hated how cool she thought that sounded! Especially when he was looking at her the way he was, his pupils dilated with desire, his tongue running over his teeth hungrily. She swallowed hard, trying to come up with another excuse. “B-But … it won't even make you any money!” 

     He let his hand drift down her throat to her collarbone, his fingers fiddling with the buttons of her shirt when they landed on them. “I'll worry about the profits, cariño. You just tell me what you need to get started.”

     She placed a hand over his as he started trying to undo her buttons, and he huffed in annoyance at the interruption. 

     “I'd need a lab,” she told him when he looked up at her in question. “And … And people …” And a lot of money. And time - she'd need so much time. It would take years considering she'd have to build everything from the ground up, start everything from scratch. But she didn't miss the tiny thrill that shot through her at the thought of getting back to research.

     Dios, it turned him on, the spark that burned within her as her pretty little brain ran through all the possibilities. He slid a hand up her thigh and leaned closer to her, his lips just centimetres from her own. “Whatever you want, cariño.”

     She covered his mouth with her hand quickly, stopping him from kissing her again, and his eyes widened in surprise. Then he snarled at her and she dropped her hand away from his mouth. She turned away from him and brushed her hair behind her ear, biting on her lip nervously as she built up the courage to say what she wanted to. “But, Miguel, I … I don't … want to be touched by someone ... who would touch other people while they were with me.” 

     Her expression was apprehensive as she looked up at him, almost like she was afraid of what his response would be. But ‘with her’, those were the key words: that was the difference between having a little fun with her one time and wanting to please her over and over again - to wrap her up in his arms and tease her with his hands and his tongue until she was begging him for relief. It was why she'd given him those papers, after all - because she'd been so mad at her husband for having done the opposite; for being unfaithful to her. But f*ck, he wanted to touch her so bad - to keep touching her, again and again until she collapsed from the exhaustion. He clenched his fists and forced himself away from her, wanting to respect her boundaries. Then he sank back into his seat, suddenly exhausted. “Fine.”

Tags: @heubstr

[astrox]

Sanemi Shinazugawa (wearing Miguel O'hara's suit) x fem! reader

tw//: short and quick smutshot, rough angry sex(kind of), no preparation, spanking, biting, blood, creampie, cussing & degrading, the suit is holographic

authors note: I drew sanemi in miguel o’hara’s suit and it has inspired me to write something erotic

Being bent over a metal table by a raging maniac was not how you wanted your day to go. All you wanted to do was explore the spider society and get used to your surroundings when you stumbled on a fuming Sanemi. The man standing before you had just endured a mockery so foul that it sent him over the edge. He needed to take his anger out on something and you just happened to walk in.

Before you knew it, you were knocked down by Sanemi who held you against a table. Your face is pressed against the metal surface and your arms are held behind your back.

“Sane-”

“Shut it-” He snarls, binding your arms together with his webs. You’ve always told yourself to prepare for the worst when it came to 'Funtime' with Sanemi, no matter what 'worse' meant for him. Today is that day.

Bent over, the man behind you lifts your hips after tearing the bottom half of your suit from your body, revealing what will forever belong to him and him alone. The cold air pricks your skin, leaving goosebumps along your legs. He runs a thumb along your slit, hearing you squirm from his touch and his mouth waters. Wriggling, your face contorts out of discomfort and you struggled in your restraints.

This man wastes no time as his cock reveals itself from his holographic suit, standing up with no curve. Using his own saliva to lubricate himself, he pushes his wet tip in and out of you just to tease you. He snickers, hearing you whine and you shake your hips.

You gasp when he feeds you the inches, slowly and the stretch made your insides scream. Little by little, the more your toes curled and your heart quickened with anticipation. Instead of standing there and let you adjust to his he pulls out before Sanemi thrusts into you hard, ushering a yelp. He gives you another and another, setting a pace, drilling his cock in and out.

“Fuck,” you heard above you.

You couldn’t do anything but take his girth length. The sound of skin slapping and your erotic moans were music to Sanemi’s ears. Squeezing your ass, Sanemi angles your hips to the perfect angle so his tip brushed your cervix.

“Ah-” You squeaked, mouth agape.

“Well well, looks like my little slut enjoyed that, huh?” The name has you clenching around him and Sanemi smirks. He gives you another taste, this time he pokes your cervix, forcing out a scream. “There we go-”

Your lower half hanging over the edge meets the table and Sanemi’s grip on ass would definitely leave some bruises behind.

“Sanemi-sir!” You called out, mouth pooling with drool. Turning your face to the side, you attempt to raise a hand against your restraints. “Pleas-”

“I can’t hear you, slut,” Sanemi swats your ass. “Speak up,”

“Please-I don’t,” you whimpered earning another spank on your ass. The slap stings as tears prick at your eyes.

“You have to be louder than that,” Sanemi tells you, one hand reach the back of your neck pulling your to lean against his chest. “Come on you useless slut. I can’t hear you when your making those sweet noises for me,”

You garbled out a sob, blinking away your tears you spoke, “I-I don’t like it from behind-”

From that little confession, you find yourself on your back. Laid out on the table, you’re still tied up but at least you can see Sanemi’s face. In seconds, he’s all over you, shoving himself inside you once more. Your louder in the position, legs wrapping around Sanemi’s waist, head leaning back in pleasure.

It feels like it’s been going on forever, gushing on his cock and waiting for to be over. All over, your body feels sore, aching muscles ready to rest.

“More-I need a little more,” Sanemi mutters, leaning down and teeth bear for him to sink into your shoulder. You choke out a sob, feeling his lips suck a mark on your skin.

“Hurts-Sanemi it hurts!” You wailed over the table creaking, whilst the slap of his hips pick up speed. The faster he is, the harder he fucked you. Is then you realised that he’s close.

Just a little more y/n! You can take it! You told yourself, closing your eyes and allowing the torture to go. Gripping your hips, Sanemi’s groans grow in volume as his dick twitches inside your cunt. He can feel you squeezing him, pleading for him to fill you to the brim.

Moving a leg over his shoulder, Sanemi uses the angle to fuck deeper into and kiss your cervix. You grit your teeth, tears running down your face. With a couple of sloppy thrusts and loud grunt, Sanemi spills himself inside you. As promised, he filled you up with a few drops spilling onto the floor.

Panting, you feel Sanemi slip out and plug his fingers in to keep his load inside. Too exhausted to move, you didn’t expect Sanemi to pick you off the table after he frees you from your restraints and carry you away bridal style.

Resting your head against his chest, your eyelids become heavy. The sight of lower side had you shocked, caked skin, bite marks, and the mess between your thighs. You’d definitely be stuck to your bed for a few days. Falling into a deep sleep, you leave Sanemi to his thoughts.

THANK YOU FOR 400 FOLLOWERS!!

[heavenlyfay3]

Workplace grievance pt.2

By Sawyer-Summary: part 2 of you getting your scolding from Mr.O’Hara

Miguel x reader

@lostpirate79 @thel0velykey190 @angel-xx-1

Warning: smut oral f and m receiving fingering

Never in your life had you thought this would ever happen to you sure you may have had some fantasies about fucking your boss but for it to come true?!

After what felt like hours but what was probably only seconds you got the courage to speak in a small voice “Mr.O’Hara I want you to-“ but just as you started you stopped at the sound of his office phone ringing. The phone ringing made you jump, you completely forgot anything outside of the two of you existed and you snapped back to reality

“What could they possibly want now” he said annoyed rolling his eyes and going to pick up the phone “Yes what is it?” he said putting the phone to his ear placing his other hand on your cheek and moving his thumb on your chin

While in your thoughts thinking, about how all of this was probably for nothing about how this could've been just a hook-up to him that he would probably never want to see you again that he probably did this with all his employees and you weren't special. You soon realized he was taking off the jacket of his expensive black suit and loosening his tie

You start unbuttoning your blouse, taking off your skirt and panties following his lead. He grabbed your face and pressed his index and middle on your bottom lip and you opened your mouth giving him access

He quickly put his fingers in your mouth and you immediately started sucking and licking them making sure to get them wet. he moved the receiver of then phone away from his mouth “Fuck you’re good at that” his said taking his fingers out your mouth and kissing you.

The kiss was hungry but passionate he already had you but the kiss made you feel like he wanted more..

he pulled away from your mouth and his hand immediately went down to your pussy that had been begging for attention. his finger started rubbing slow circles around your clit teasing you

“Mmmh- Sir!” you said leaning back on your hands and arching your back. He looked at you biting his lip “What? yea i’m listening, actually i’m gonna put you on with my assistant.” he said smirking giving the phone to you “what?! Mr.O’Hara i’m not your-” you whispered but before you could finish your sentence he put the phone to your ear and someone was taking to you

“Helloooo do you know blah blah blah….

You had no idea what the person on the phone was saying the only thing you could focus on was that somehow Miguel's face was in between your legs and he was sucking on your swollen clit.

You had to hold your breath to keep yourself from moaning into the phone so the person on the line wouldn’t know that their boss was going down on you while you were on the phone with them.

“Um Hello”

Again you tried to focus on what the person was saying but now Miguel was licking and kissing all over your cunt. you grabbed his brown hair causing him to moan into your pussy sending vibrations all over your body. At this point you had threw the phone away from your ear not exactly sure if you hung up.

you let out soft moans as he began sucking your clit, your body melting into the desk as you feel his hot breath on your core. you arch your back and tug on his hair more as he continues to drive you wild.

he adds two fingers to your throbbing pussy as he focuses on your clit again circling his tongue around it

you gasp loudly, biting your lip as your toes curl as he continues to eat you out. A small cry escapes your mouth as you cum, your juices pour out of your tight hole as you hold onto the edge of the desk tightly.

He laps up all your cum with his tongue swallowing it as you try to catch your breath and come down from your high

He places sweet kisses all over your face and lips “You think you could do one last thing for me?” he says whispering in your ear “Or are you too tired to get on your knees and suck my cock?”

“I’d do anything for you Sir” you say looking up at knowing that this would be the last time you got the chance to be with him so you should enjoy while you can.

“You are being such a good girl for me,” he says helping you stand to your feet. As soon as you are on your feet you are on your knees again face to face with his huge and hard throbbing cock you didn’t get a good look at it before but at this angle, you see how massive it was. It was thick and had two veins along the shaft just remembering the way it felt inside you got you wet again.

you were so deep in your thoughts about how his cock looked in front of you, you didn’t realize until he slapped it against your face “earth to y/n~”

You snap out of your daze and reach forward slowly taking hold of his shaft gently and wrap your warm tongue around it. It twitches under touch making you blush as you start sucking the tip softly.

He grabs the nape of your neck and pushes your head slowly down his cock making you choke and gag on it.

He grips your hair and starts thrusting into your mouth you moan quietly around his cock, your hands gripping his thighs as you struggle to breathe. your breathing becoming heavier as you begin to choke on his cock, saliva dripping off your chin as you keep trying to take every inch inside your mouth.

He pulls it out of your mouth and grabs the base of it as he starts to slap it all over your face groaning in pleasure the feeling of your throat closing makes you cough as you try to catch your breath while doing so he cums on your face.

After all the work you both just put in to give each other pleasure you both sit in silence trying to catch your breath.

Eventually, he helps you up and takes you to his office restroom to clean yourself up When you come out he's cleaning his desk.

After everything that happened you had no idea what to say so you walk toward the door to leave

“Hey Y/n,” he says before you open the door “Yes sir?” you say turning to look at him “Please at this point you can call me Miguel,” he says chuckling

He walks up to you and gives you a ripped piece of paper with a number on it “I hope next time I see you it will be under different circumstances” he says giving you a peck on the lips “Me too Miguel” you said smiling at him

A/n: i have no idea what it would be about but lmk if y’all want a part 3 and im so grateful y’all liked the first one and it got the attention it did!! thank you all so much💕😘😘😘😘

[barclaysangel]

More Prowler! Devon and Spider-man! Devon because this AU is cool. Brought to you by @cult-of-dollbabies

I also wanna point out that I’m African-American 👍🏾

Spiderman! Devon: Wow, thank you so much for untying me!

Prowler! Devon: Yeah yeah, don’t mention — DAMN. The fuck they feed you?!

Spider-man! Devon: *chuckle* That’s actually kinda funny, considering that I’m the shortest in my friend group. I’m not that big though.

42! Junior: What the — Bro, are you friends giants?

Spider-man! Devon: Eh, you could say that.

Prowler! Devon: Uh-huh. And how big was this Dracula that’s tryna kill you?

Spider-man! Devon: Miguel? Eh, well, he’s about *stands on his tippy toes* This big?

42! Junior: 😨 Nuh-uh. You gotta go, no sir. YOU HAVE TO LEAVE. We can’t help you, I’m sorry.

Spider-man! Devon: Wha — What, but why?

Prowler! Devon: Fuck you mean why — NIGGA HOW THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE BEEF WITH THE BEANSTALK FROM JACK AND THE BEANSTALK. WHAT DID YOU DO??

Spider-man! Devon: I just wanted to save my mom and my boyfriend, bro! I ain’t do nothing!

42! Junior: Nah, I find that hard to believe. I think you were with-holding government secrets.

Spider-man! Devon: I did no such thing! I even tried to befriend Miguel! Some other kid try to do it too! And we ended up in different parts of our 42 dimension!

I’ve seen this on TikTok 😂🤣

[breanime]

Bre’s Boys: “So what if I’m jealous?”(Jealous Boys)

Billy Russo: “Oh,” you looked down at your phone, “it says I have a missed call. When did Rob call me?” Billy didn’t look up from his phone. “When you were in the shower.” “Is that why you came in there?” You smirked; Billy had ended up joining you in the shower, hence you not checking your phone in a while. “I came in there to remind you who you belong to,” he answered back. You grinned. You and Rob had been working together for a while now, and Billy made no secret of his dislike for the guy. “Are you jealous?” “So what if I’m jealous,” he stood up, pocketing his phone as he walked over to you, “Doesn’t make you any less mine.” You laughed, reaching up and wrapping your arms around his neck and giving him a kiss. If Billy’s jealousy resulted in sexy showers well... who were you to say no?

Logan Delos: Logan had been pacing for 15 minutes now. No, correction--he was pacing and ranting. “So he grew up with you--okay, and? I still know you better!” You were on the couch, watching him. Logan had just met your childhood best friend, and they hadn’t exactly hit it off... “And what the hell was that whole ‘oh, since when were you into macaroons’ thing? Like, are you not allowed to like new things?” You laughed, and Logan stopped, glaring over at you. “What’s so funny?” “You/ You being jealous.” He huffed. “So what if I’m jealous--I’m the one you go home to every night, not that douchebag!” He leaned down and kissed you, and you smiled into the kiss. “That’s right,” you said as he crawled onto you, “you’re the one.” 

Jax Teller: As soon as your ex saw you, you could feel a change in the air. Jax watched him closely, his blue eyes unblinking until the guy is gone. “Dude, you looked like an insane person,” you said, leaning your head on Jax’s shoulder, “Did you get it all out?” “Get all what out?” “The jealousy.” Jax chuckled, shaking his head. “So what if I’m jealous? Doesn’t matter.” “Oh, it doesn’t?” Jax grabbed your waist and pulled you in front of him so that he was smirking down at you. “Nope. All that matters is that that guy, and every other guy within a 30 mile radius knows that you’re my girl.” He kissed you then, and it was the kind of kiss that made your toes curl. Jax probably had a point about everyone knowing you were his--after a kiss like that, how could they not?

Coco Cruz: “So what if I’m jealous?” Coco followed you into the house. “You’re my girl, I have a right to be jealous!” “Baby,” you sighed, turning to face him, “there’s no need to be jealous; I’m all yours.” “Yeah,” his hands went down to your waist, “I know you are, but still... I don’t like the idea of any asshole off the street coming on to you...” “I mean, I can’t help that I’m fine.” Coco laughed, dropping his head onto your shoulder. “Yeah, you’re fine as fuck, querida.” You wrapped your arms around him. “And I’m with you,” you promised, “for ever.” Coco raised his head. “Forever, huh?” He asked. “Forever,” you said back, your lips brushing against his, “my loco Coco...” 

Angel Reyes: “Say it again,” Angel grinned, leaning against the door. “Angel, I swear to God--” “C’mon, baby, say it again, please,” he whined, batting his eyes at you. You sighed, rolling your eyes and trying to swallow back a laugh. “I was just a little, teeny tiny bit jealous when I saw you with her,” you confessed, “Like--just a little bit.” “Awwww,” he grinned, “baby, you were jealous!” “Yeah, okay, so what if I was jealous? I can’t help it!” You reached over for him, your fists balling into his shirt. “You’re my Angel.” Angel’s answering smile made your heart melt, and he leaned down and kissed you, his lips soft on yours. “Tell me you love me.” “I love you, Angel.” He smiled, his lips on yours. “Love you too, babe.”

Miguel Galindo: Miguel didn’t say much on the drive home, but he didn’t have to. You knew he was jealous. He held your hand in his as the driver took the two of you around the city. You smiled as you dropped your head to his shoulder. “Lunch was great,” you said. His hand flexed in yours. “Yeah? You didn’t think it got too crowded?” You closed your eyes, a little buzzed from the mimosas. “Why? Because Blake was there?” Miguel groaned, his head nesting on top of yours. “I hate that you were with him.” “Once,” you reminded him, “a long, long time ago.” “I hate that you were going to marry him.” You sat up, smiling at your cartel boss husband as he basically pouted. “Are you jealous, Miguel?” He scoffed. “So what if I’m jealous? I’m the one who married you,” he huffed, his arm wrapping around you, “so I won.”

Nick Amaro: “I don’t like that guy,” Nick grumbled as he sat down across from you. “What guy? The host?” “He was looking at you...” “Well, yeah, that’s how conversations work.” “No, I mean...” Nick sighed, shaking his head, “forget it. I’m being stupid.” You licked your lips, trying to and failing at not smiling. “Is... Are you feeling a little territorial, Nick?” “Maybe...” “A little possessive?” You smirked. Nick laughed, shaking his head again. “It’s possible...” “Maybe even a bit jealous?” “So what if I’m jealous?” He leaned closer to you, his dark eyes gleaming in the low light of the restaurant. “I have the most beautiful woman in New York on my arm, how can I not be?” “Oh, Detective Amaro,” you cooed, “you’re such a charmer!” 

Johnny Tuturro: You could feel Johnny’s eyes on you as you talked with the local cop. And when you walked back over to Johnny, he was frowning. “What?” You asked, walking out of the precinct. “I didn’t know you two were friends,” Johnny said back. “Well, he’s the main guy on the gang unit here, so...” “So he gets that smile, huh?” He grumbled. “Thought that smile was just for me.” ‘Oh, Johnny,” you laughed, “are you jealous?” “Nope.” “Yes you are!” “No I’m not, I’m too hot to get jealous.” “You’re so jealous, you’re a jelly green donut, dude.” Johnny rolled his eyes as he took your hand in his. “So what if I’m jealous? I’m still 100% cuter than that guy.” You laughed. “Yes, Johnny, you’re cute.” “And I got a banging bod.” “Yes, Johnny.” “And I’m the best kisser in the world.” “Okay, babe--” “The galaxy, actually!”

Rio: “Hold up a second,” Rio’s voice was hard, and you looked up from your seat behind him as you went over this month’s expenses. He was glaring at one of the guys who were trying to do business with him. “The fuck are you looking at so closely?” Rio asked, he turned towards you, an eyebrow raised before he looked back at the men. “Her? My Queen? She what you’re looking at?” The room went silent, and you could feel the men take a collective, nervous breath. “Huh?” Rio went on. “Answer me.” “Nah, we--we weren’t,” one of the guys began. “Nah, not you. Him.” All eyes were on the accused man, and you could see the tension in Rio’s shoulders. “Sir, I--” the man began, but Rio interrupted him. “Get the fuck out of here,” he said, already turning back towards you as Mick escorted the men out. You raised an eyebrow at him. “So... you a little jealous, babe?” “So what if I’m jealous?” He leaned down and pecked your lips. “I don’t like people lookin’ at what’s mine.”

*******************************************************************************************

Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think! And if you really enjoyed it and you can send in a tip, I would greatly appreciate it! 

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[imagineredwood]

Pairing: Miguel Galindo x Bre ( @breanime  )

Warnings: Possessiveness, implied Dom-ish personality from Miguel, implied sexual content 

Word count: 1.2k 

***Hope you like it baby 💕 I went a little heavy on certain uh 👀 aspects because I feel like that can be your thing but if I got it wrong or there’s anything you don’t like, just let me know and i’ll fix it for you. ***

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I feel like I can still smell that burnt chicken.”

Miguel laughed as you wrinkled your nose. He shook his head as he walked into the restaurant with you, his hand resting on the curve of your lower back, the red satin of your dress accentuating the swell of your hips. You had done a lot of sweet-talking to get him to leave the dress on until tonight when he had seen you getting ready earlier. He ushered you gently, leading you in front of him.

“You mean the charcoal you made, Bre?”

You looked up at your husband with a laugh and playful glare.

“Fuck off.”

He tossed his head back slightly and gave a laugh himself, hand sliding down to rest now on your ass. He gave a harsh squeezed and you had to hold back your squeak at the slight pain. He leaned down, pressing his lips to the shell of your ear softly. You were sure that to anyone looking on, it seemed to be a sweet gesture. Just a loving husband, kissing and whispering to his wife. You knew better though and bit your lip as you waited to see what filth he was going to say to you. It was part of the reason why you liked to talk shit to him sometimes, especially in public.

“Keep running that mouth and I’m gonna fuck it like I did this weekend.”

His voice was like gravel, deep and rough and husky and suddenly he was pulling away, standing back up straight as if he had simply told you what the temperature was.

“Promises, promises.”

“We’ll see.”

He looked forward and gave a dashing smile to the young man in a suit that opened the door for you.

“Good evening.”

You smiled at the man as well while he returned Miguel’s greeting.

“Good evening, Sir. You can go up right there and they will seat you.”

It shocked you sometimes, how quickly and how drastically Miguel could switch. How he could go from a ruthless cartel leader to a doting husband bringing you breakfast in bed. You testing him in public was the same. He could go from a charming businessman to the filthy, sometimes sadistically teasing man that you loved and then back in under a minute. It ensured that you were always on your toes.

You both walked into the restaurant and the hostess smiled at the both of you, menus already in her hands.

“Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Galindo. Right this way.”

You followed her through the restaurant, crisp white tablecloths, and softly glowing lights. The floors were Red Mahogany hardwood, waxed to where they almost looked wet and the tables all had gold-finished ice buckets, waiting to be filled and hold a much too expensive bottle of champagne. She led you both to the back and set down the menus, the area more private, the table sat further away from the others and you knew it was Miguel’s doing. Ever the gentleman, he followed you to your side of the round table, pulling out your chair for you and scooting you in once you sat. He pressed a kiss to the top of your head, your dark hair in an updo, much too humid of a night to have it down. Miguel ran his finger gently down the back of your exposed neck, a small shiver running through you, goosebumps rising along the skin. He walked back to his side and pulled out his own chair, sitting down across from you, a smirk resting on his lips. You returned it and he chuckled silently to himself, no doubt thinking of all the ways he was going to ruin you tonight. Picking up his menu, he began to look over everything, always one to try something new. You knew what you wanted though, your choice always being your favorite meal they served there.

“So, what exactly made you decide to cook today?”

His tone was light and teasing as he looked at you, your shoulders shrugging.

“I thought I would try to do it, venture out a little. I know I can’t, but I tried.”

You laughed together, Miguel’s heartier than yours as he recalled walking into the kitchen to the sight of a blackened lemon pepper chicken sitting on the counter.  

“That chicken was so fucking stiff. I tapped it and it just,”

He made the motion of tapping his finger and then used both hands to demonstrate it crumbling. You smiled sarcastically as he continued to laugh at your expense. He settled down as the waitress came back all smiles.

“Ready to place your order?”

Miguel ordered for you first, knowing already what you were going to want and then ordered for himself, plus some type of wine that you knew was probably the price of both entrees combined. Your eyes drifted to the new fish tank that had been installed. The tank was ginormous, a complete circle that went around, giving everyone a view no matter where they were sat. Neon lights illuminated the creatures as they swam, gallons upon gallons turned a faint blue and you leaned towards Miguel with a smile.

“I’m gonna go look at the fish really quick.”

Miguel looked over at the tank, surveying the area as well before nodding and looking back at you, a warm smile on his face as he did.

“Alright, querida. Just stay close, where I can see you.”

You gave nod and stood, leaning across the table to kiss his forehead before standing back up straight and heading over to the tank. You walked up close, eyes peering into the water, fish of every color imaginable scuttling along. You smiled softly as you watched them, your feet subconsciously carrying you to walk around the tank. You hadn’t realized that you were moving, simply trying to watch the one brightly colored Discus fish that swam around aimlessly.

“Beautiful, aren’t they?”

You looked over to your left as you heard an unfamiliar voice and saw a man standing there, likely early thirties. Older than you, but younger than Miguel. He wore a navy-blue suit, white shirt underneath, the first couple of buttons undone to reveal a smooth and chiseled chest. Looking up, he had perfectly white and straight teeth, accentuated by the way he was smiling at you and the darkness of his beard. You returned the smile and nodded, eyes settling back on the fish.

“They are.”

The man looked back at the tank himself and brought his glass of scotch up to his lips, taking a sip before looking back at you. He opened his mouth so say something else but was cut off by something behind you. You made the move to turn and look but you didn’t need to, the possessive grip of a hand on your hip already telling you who it was.

“Enjoying the fish, mi vida?”

You nodded and smiled at the man despite Miguel’s presence, hoping everything stayed civil. Turing you gave your husband a smile too, reaching for his hand.

“Si, Miguel.”

He returned your smile and then gave one to the man as well, though the stranger’s smile was now no longer as bright as it had been. He simply raised his glass slightly and looked back at the fish while Miguel pulled you away, arm around your waist, hand planted firmly on your hip again as he led you back to the table. With a smirk, you pushed your other hip into him, looking up at him with flirty eyes, mischief in your brown orbs.

“I wasn’t finished looking at the fish, you know.”

At that Miguel looked down at you with a smile that held promised punishment for later in it. Even still, he replied simply with love.

“I’ll have one installed for you tomorrow.”

[dearkaelsman]

“Please don’t say goodbye.”

Pain.

Dearka Elsman had felt a lot of it in what now seemed like his relatively short lifespan, but none came close to what he was feeling now.

He’d felt the encompassing pain of breaking a bone when he picked a fight with a bully in one of his dance classes growing up, and the lingering ache from punches and kicks he’d taken during his days at the ZAFT Academy. He’d endured throbbing headaches and light sensitivity caused by head wounds during the wars, and burning fevers every time he got sick.

He’d felt the pain of abandonment and betrayal when his father disowned him over enlisting in ZAFT, when Yzak – his best friend – pointed a gun at his head and called him a traitor for defecting, unable to fight with ZAFT while it looked like they were intent on committing genocide against Naturals.

He’d felt blows to his pride, from learning he wasn’t always the best, coming fourth behind Athrun, Yzak and Nicol, to losing in a battle to Mu La Flaga, and finding out the hard way everything he thought he knew about Naturals was wrong.

He’d felt heartbreak and loss, from watching Junius 7 be destroyed, to seeing Rusty, Miguel and Nicol get killed. The look on his mother’s face when he’d originally been sentenced to death for his defection after the Bloody Valentine War was nothing short of gutwrenching and he hated that he’d put her through that, especially after learning she’d been told he was MIA – dead – once already. Perhaps the worst incident, the one most fresh in his mind, however, was when a certain blue-eyed Natural that had flipped his world upside down and challenged everything he knew broke up with him and walked out of his life.

Even that deep-rooted pain that he’d never really gotten over paled in comparison to what he was going through now.

Every shaky breath felt like he was inhaling boiling water, burning him from the inside out. His body heat seemed to cling to him, but he couldn’t discern if it was blood or sweat that forced his left eye shut, or dampened the right side of his body.

It felt like knives were being driven into his temples repeatedly, different parts of his body stinging where he’d hit the cliff face after being thrown from his ZAKU. There was a ringing in his ears that wouldn’t stop, abated only briefly by the yelling and gunfire around him as his teammates were annihilated in what had been a clear, orchestrated trap by the resurgence of Blue Cosmos.

He’d coughed up blood, and nausea kept threatening to overcome him as the smell of death – burning metal and flesh – filled his nostrils. His throat was raw.

At first, he’d tried to get up, and back to his ZAKU, but he couldn’t feel his toes on his left foot, and whatever energy he still had was clearly being used to just keep him alive.

He wasn’t sure why.

His eyes finally slid shut, and he thought maybe his time had come, except the pain continued. He wasn’t sure how long he laid there, until someone pulled back his eyelid and shone a light in it.

“He’s conscious. Blood loss is critical,” the person said, but Dearka just wanted him to let go of his eyelid so he could sleep.

“We’re going to need a transfusion – stitch up his side and splint that leg.”

A new pain crept up on Dearka – the dull, deep ache of needles in his side and the tugging of debris out of an open wound, and his sluggish mind slowly came to the realization he was on an operating room table and not back on the battlefield, and somehow this pain was worse.

“Heart rate is decreasing!”

“Triple the dosage and get me that transfusion!’

“ – Sir, that would kill him.”

“He’s a Coordinator – do what it take to stabilize him.”

Or not, Dearka thought. Couldn’t they just let him die already?

He was tired of being in pain – physical, mental, emotional – and what for? He wasn’t protecting anyone like this – and had he ever really managed to do so, or did he take credit for mere circumstance?

It’s not like anyone liked him any better for what he had done, and why would they? He’d killed his share of people…even if someone did decide they were willing to stick with him, why should he have the opportunity to marry and have children?

Another needle pierced his skin, and spots dimmed his vision, only for a new, welcoming light to beckon to him in the distance. He started to move towards it, until a soft gentle hand took his own and held him back. He felt his hair being brushed back from his forehead.

“Please don’t say goodbye,” a voice begged him. “Dearka, stay with me - please.”

The voice was interrupted by the monitors he was hooked up to, but there was something familiar about it….It, too, caused him pain, but for some reason not as much as the idea of never hearing it again.

He managed to crack open an eye, and amethyst met the most brilliant shade of blue that could only belong to one person. Even if he could talk, she was the last person he’d ever say goodbye to, whether he was at the end of his life or not.

Her hand tightened around his. One day, he wanted to be able to return the gesture.

“Heart rate stabilized – we just might save him yet.”

[mhsn033]

Bob Willis Trophy: Derbyshire and Leicestershire keep their nerve for dramatic late victories

Colin Ackermann blasted 73 not out off 41 balls to score Leicestershire to victory

Appropriate like the necessary rapid bowler it was named after, the Bob Willis Trophy has burst into lifestyles to provide a spectacular introduction to English cricket.

After four months of looking ahead to cricket this summer, and no matter all nine opening crew matches being played at the abet of closed doorways, the England and Wales Cricket Board’s most modern invention has made a dramatic debut.

Eight of the nine games on this opening round of fixtures ended in a selected consequence to loudly bang the drum for the thrill of red-ball cricket – at a time when there had even been sigh of doing with out it altogether.

Bizarrely, the three teams currently leading the vogue, all on 22 aspects, in their respective South, Central and North teams, are the three sides who final year performed within the bottom three of Division Two within the County Championship – Middlesex, Worcestershire and Leicestershire.

And two of the games, Derbyshire’s unbelievable county file mosey chase to beat Nottinghamshire at Trent Bridge and 2019 bottom club Leicestershire’s take over Lancashire at Worcester went successfully past six o’clock to score the observing and listening on-line audience on their toes.

Whoever acknowledged red-ball cricket was wearisome?

Relive Tuesday’s action within the Bob Willis Trophy

Monday: England hopeful Robinson shines in Sussex take

Sunday: Bresnan rankings century on Warwickshire debut

Saturday: Stone & Coad receive delayed county season off to luminous originate

North Group

Leicestershire had staunch eight balls to spare after they performed their seven-wicket take over Lancashire on unprejudiced territory at Worcester.

Despite the incontrovertible fact that Steven Croft’s unbeaten 52 held up the Foxes, Ben Mike took his fourth wicket to bowl out Lancs for 236 and leave his aspect a T20-vogue victory target of 150 in 17 overs.

And, with Colin Ackermann hitting a six and 10 fours in his unbeaten 73 off 41 balls and Harry Dearden weighing in with three immense sixes, Leicestershire confidently polished it off.

Derbyshire are staunch some degree at the abet of in 2nd after recording their most attention-grabbing ever mosey chase to beat neighbours Nottinghamshire.

Fynn Hudson-Prentice was there at the cease on 91 not out, supported by 30 from Michael Cohen in an unbroken eighth-wicket stand of 66 to gape their aspect dwelling on 365-7, after captain Billy Godleman’s earlier 86.

Yorkshire survived a morning rain prolong to complete their expected 19-point victory over Durham.

Desiring a extra 68 to take, it took most attention-grabbing 10.4 overs for the inability of Dawid Malan.

The England man went with 17 serene wanted, for 73, however Harry Brook stayed unbeaten on 66, collectively with four sixes and 6 fours.

Round two fixtures:

9-12 August

Durham v Lancashire (Chester-le-Avenue), Leicestershire v Derbyshire (Leicester), Nottinghamshire v Yorkshire (Trent Bridge)

Central Group

Worcestershire are early Central Group leaders after deciding on up 22 aspects from their finally overjoyed eight-wicket take over Gloucestershire at Bristol.

After George Hankins had held the Pears up with 69, visiting captain Joe Leach went on belief to be one of his veteran wicket-taking bursts, claiming four scalps in 5 overs with the contemporary ball to bowl out Gloucestershire for 278.

That space Worcestershire 110 to absorb 35 overs – and they bought dwelling with 53 balls to spare, after an unbroken stand of 53 between Tom Fell and first-innings maiden half of-centurion Jack Haynes.

Warwickshire did not score a wicket all day as their game with Northamptonshire ended in a arrangement.

The guests regarded not off beam staunch after lunch on day three when, trailing by 227 on first innings, they had been 148-5. Nonetheless they recovered to 317-6 by the cease with a 159-mosey stand between Charlie Thurston and skipper Adam Rossington.

Rossington and Luke Procter – neither of whom had previously passed 50 sooner than at Edgbaston – then batted the total of the final day to provide centuries.

Rossington, 60 not out in a single day, dug in even extra to compose on 135 off 399 balls, three searching his career-most attention-grabbing score, having batted for eight hours and 17 minutes, while Procter performed on 112.

The Overton brothers took 14 of the 20 Glamorgan wickets to drop within the match as Somerset performed their expected 289-mosey take at Taunton.

Surrey-sprint Jamie Overton took 5-48 within the Glamorgan 2nd innings for match figures of 7-64, in what may per chance per chance presumably but payment his farewell look.

Twin brother Craig performed with 2-21 for match figures of 7-69 as the guests’ 5 final wickets fell for 40 runs in precisely 70 minutes.

Glamorgan captain Chris Cooke, who started the day on 67, bought to 82 sooner than turning into seventh man out – however he serene contributed nearly half of his aspect’s score of 166.

Round two fixtures:

9-12 August

Gloucestershire v Warwickshire (Bristol), Northants v Somerset (Northampton), Worcestershire v Glamorgan (Worcester).

South Group

Middlesex are high of the South Group on 22 aspects after leaving it slack to beat Surrey by 190 runs within the London derby at The Oval.

Surrey regarded to be holding on for a arrangement at 119-5 most attention-grabbing to lose their final 5 wickets for staunch four runs within the home of 44 balls.

Occasional leg-spinner Sam Robson struck twice in successive deliveries, West Indian Miguel Cummins then additionally claimed two scalps within the identical over sooner than Australian Nathan Sowter performed it off.

Essex, the 2017 and 2019 county champions, are in 2nd sooner than Thursday’s winners Sussex on 21 aspects, having earlier held on to gape off Kent by two wickets.

After Sir Alastair Cook dinner’s 66, Sam Cook dinner, on his 23rd birthday, made 15 and Adam Wheater hit 26 to receive their aspect dwelling on 202-8.

Round two fixtures:

9-12 August

Essex v Surrey (Chelmsford), Kent v Sussex (Canterbury), Middlesex v Hampshire (Radlett).

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[nehasy]

In the Cards

             This is my contribution to the Yearly Esca 2017 for @fruitso  The theme is Destiny!!  As per usual, I have chosen to focus on the Dragonslayers and their ever perky captain.  This is of course set in my Dragon in the Ashes universe and is Pre Series.

 “You seriously want to go in here?”  Dilandau didn’t even bother trying to keep his voice from sounding incredulous as he eyed the rather gaudily coloured tent covered in what he supposed were supposed to be mysterious looking symbols.  At least they would be mysterious for anyone who hadn’t spent the majority of their life around the Madoushi.  Glancing over his shoulder at Shesta who was eagerly whispering something to Guimel, the two somehow managing to actually communicate despite the impressive amount of sugared floss they’d both stuffed into their mouths.  Honestly, it looked like the pair of them were busy savaging psychedelic sheep.  

Irritably, he poked a shimmering gold symbol which while looking elegant and ornate actually meant “soup”.  As far as first impressions went, this one wasn’t setting the bar overly high, but a promise was a promise.  He’d foolishly made the pronouncement this morning during prep that any Dragonslayer who performed flawlessly would be able to spend the day doing whatever they wanted.  It had seemed like such a good idea at the time, after all, here they were with a free day to explore the Capital during the Fortunam Magnam festival.

Dilandau had of course expected that they’d want to look at the new and experimental guymelef series they’d heard rumours of, or speak to some of the weapon smiths lining the streets and maybe try out their wares.  Instead, Dallet and Viole had raced off to the nearest brothel with little more than a hasty call to not wait for them.  Thank the Emperor that they hadn’t demanded that the rest of the team join them. The very idea of entering into such an establishment, let alone paying someone to be intimate with him made his skin crawl… speaking of.

“Gatti, remind me to ensure that Dallet and Viole receive full medical checks when we get back to the Vione.  The last thing I need is to explain to Folken why members of my team have venereal diseases… again.”

“Of course sir.”  The second in command didn’t even twitch so much as an eyebrow at the order which was impressive considering he’d been present for the rather harrowing lecture from the Strategos about proper sexual decorum while on leave.  Both had needed a strong drink after that ordeal.

“Are you ready to hear our fortunes sir?” Shesta asked in a voice which was far too chirpy, warning the captain that he’d likely ingested far too much sugar to be healthy.

“This reeks of desperate fraudulence.” Dilandau grumbled, glaring at several other random and inappropriate words painted on the side of the tent.  Three, eggs, goat and onion…and those were just the symbols on the front flap.  So far the combination didn’t inspire confidence in him.  “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather just watch some of the duels in the pits?”  He always enjoyed watching those though few of his men cared for such bloody entertainment. It was their loss really.  Hmm, maybe he’d compete this year.  After all, he was already going to be doing demonstration duels for the Madoushi, at least this way he could have a little fun… and maybe get rid of the foul taste in his mouth that threatened to be left by this charlatan.

“You did promise sir.”  Miguel murmured boldly into his ear, earning himself a warning look from the pale captain for his forwardness.  Rather than backing off, the tall slayer grinned playfully.  “It means the world to the men that you’re indulging us like this.  Besides, I’ll make it up to you later with my request.”

“You’d damn well better.”  Dilandau found himself grumbling under his breath as he cast a longing look at one of the weapon smiths.  Dammit!  The man was showing a sword to some captain from Iron Army…Even with the packed streets, he could see the fine quality of the blade from here and his fingers itched to hold it.  That loser captain probably didn’t even know how to handle a real weapon.  He should be the one the smith was sucking up to! But no, here he was, standing in front of some stupid tent covered in damn recipe instructions while two of his Dragonslayers argued about what to ask the charlatan inside.

“Let’s just go inside before someone see’s us.” He muttered, doing his best to ignore how his skin crawled as he grabbed onto the edge of the violet and gold curtain before stepping boldly inside.  Used to following him without question, his men fell automatically in place behind him, quickly fanning out once they crossed the threshold.

It was a good thing that they gave each other space because Guimel and Ryuun immediately began retching as the team was hit hard by a nearly impenetrable wall of incense.  The air was so thick with its cloying stench that it could actually be seen, drifting in a smoky haze across a fake velvet draped table. The two candles, which seemed to be the only light source for the tent flickered ominously, the flame struggling to find enough oxygen to remain lit.

“Why are my eyes burning?”  Miguel ground out, covering his mouth and nose with his hand, trying to fend off the caustic smoke.  “This can’t be safe!”  

The handsome slayer was hardly even exaggerating as he struggled not to cough.  Dilandau felt his own throat threaten to close up and each breath seared the sensitive lining of his nose, not to mention his lungs.  In moments he began to feel almost light headed and mentally noted that there was likely more than one narcotic blended into the mix. Great, now he was going to be stoned as well as spoon fed drivel.  Ugh, next time he was going to keep his damn mouth shut.  Clearly this was all Gatti’s fault.  He’d been the one to suggest bribing the men rather than simply delivering his usual threats should they fail to meet his expectations.  Next time he was just going to punch all of them before a mission.

“Brilliant choice there guys.”  Dilandau spared a quick glare at Shesta and Guimel, the former was currently slapping the latter’s back in an effort to restart his lungs. It didn’t seem to be working and Dilandau found himself almost hoping that the smallest slayer passed out so he’d have a reason to call this an attack and slaughter whoever was behind this foul tent.  

“I kind of like it.”  Shesta replied boldly in between backslaps, his large blue eyes flashing momentarily with defiance.  “It reminds me of home.”  To demonstrate, he drew in a deep breath with little difficulty, an action that not even Dilandau could claim himself being capable of.  Rather than falling to the floor choking, the petite blonde smiled fondly at his teammates.  “The dragonswort will help relax you and the murkbane opens up your inner eye.”

“Ugh, I’m breathing in a dragon’s warts?” Ryuun moaned.  “That’s utterly disgusting.  Shesta, you come from a disgusting village.”  The tall spectacled slayer waved his hand in front of his face in an attempt to disperse the smoke but his action was doomed to failure.  

“Don’t mock my village.”  Bright blue eyes narrowed slightly in warning as Shesta glared up at the much taller youth.  “We just follow the traditional ways.”

“Mud huts and worshipping rocks.  Yeah, I know.”  Ryuun shrugged, not looking at all impressed.  

Sighing softly in annoyance, the sound muffled somewhat by his own hand in front of his face, Dilandau fixed a glare at both of them.

“Ryuun, stop being an ass.  Shesta, your village does worship rocks.”  Crimson eyes focussed on the two arguing soldiers, quelling them both instantly.   Reaching into the small purse hanging from his belt, the captain pulled out several small coins and placed them solidly on the table.  The action seemed more like a defiant challenge than a simple transaction.  “Now, where the hell is this damned fortune teller? I want to get out of this tent before we breathe in enough of this smoke to be declared unfit for duty.”

“Ahhh, I’m right here young captain.”  A rusty voice croaked from what had previously appeared to be a shadowed yet empty section of the tent.  Guimel let out a rather high pitched squeak and there was the soft sound of several swords being drawn in too tight a space.

A stooped and heavily weathered old woman clad head to toe in brightly coloured fabrics stepped forward from the shadows, the many contrasting colours of her garments creating an almost hypnotic effect. Thick and gaudy jewelry glittered from her wrists, hands and face, the candle light winking off of the cheap stones, making her almost strobe with every movement.  This lips parted in a wide smile, displaying wooden teeth carved to replace those lost to age.  Within several of the fake teeth were small colourful glass beads which kept drawing the eye as she spoke.

Despite her great age, piercing blue eyes watched the young team from beneath drooping lids, sizing them up quickly with a wisdom gained from nearly a century of hard life.  Their excitement, nervousness, wariness and annoyance in the case of their pale leader was obvious to her as she beckoned for them to sit themselves on the six thin cushions gathered around the small table.  

“Just enough cushions for all of us!”  Shesta whispered loudly to Guimel who nodded, eyes wide with awe.

“It’s like she knew we’d be here!”  The fluffy haired slayer agreed avidly.  Dilandau flashed them both a dark glare before seating himself on the central cushion and fixing the old woman with a look of cold challenge.  Miguel and Gatti flanked him in their customary places while the other three arranged themselves as they saw fit.

“I, Momma Fortuna am honoured to be visited by such noble warriors as the famed Dagonslayers.”  As the old woman spoke, she knelt down with surprising grace at the only space not occupied by a cushion.  If anything, Guimel and Shesta’s eyes grew wider at her recognition.

“How did you know it was us?  Did the all-knowing Spirits tell you?”

“You do realize that there’s at least ten recruitment posters on this block alone with our faces on them.  She’d have to be blind to not know who we are.”  Crimson eyes rolled in exasperation before the captain leaned forward, insolently placing his elbows on the table and grinning at the woman.  It was far from a friendly smile and more than one officer had been cowed by it in the past.  “I’m sure she’s not trying to treat us like gullible rubes.  That would be rather insulting.”

Hardly phased by the implied threat, the old woman merely cackled softly and held her hands out over the table, the billowing sleeves of her robes drifting precariously close to the candles as she deftly scooped up the coins.

“Momma Fortuna does not need to bluff others with her skill.  She merely passes on that which the Spirits of the Void share with her.”

“Referring to herself in the third person…”  Gatti murmured under his breath.  “Yeah, this is going to go over well.”  Shesta discreetly elbowed him in the ribs and shot his superior a warning glare.  

“Be nice!”

Though everyone at the table had heard the comment, all chose to ignore it as the old woman began to weave hear hands around each other in a complicated pattern.  The smoke seemed to shift and move around her fingers, forming strange and exotic shapes which were difficult to follow or even fully recall, yet each of the Dragonslayers couldn’t help but feel somewhat disquieted by the sight.

“Now then, you have come to be with a question in your hearts and your minds have you not?”  The beads in her teeth winked colourfully as she grinned at the group, a large deck of ornate cards seeming to appear in her hands out of thin air. Shesta drew in a sharp breath, shocked at their appearance while the rest of the team remained more neutral in their reactions.

At her question, the two blondes shared a glance and identical wide grins.

“Will Lily, the washer girl go out on a date with me? Will we become legends?  Will I become a famous general one day?  Do you think Lord Dilandau likes me?  Why does Strategos Folken have a teardrop tattoo? Does he have any other tattoos?  Do catgirls lick themselves all over?  Why do dopplegangers smell?”  They both spoke over each other as they each blurted out their questions like overeager children.

For a moment the tent was silent as everyone stared at the duo, even the old woman appeared somewhat taken aback by their collective outburst.  Experience served her well however and she was the first to recover while the soldiers continued to gape, staring at the two blondes as if they’d suddenly grown extra heads.

“How about, you each ask one question and we shall see if the Spirits choose to answer?”  Her smile was indulgent as her long boney fingers began shuffling the cards. Six sets of eyes were drawn by the movement as the thick smoke coiled around her hands, offset by the intermittent winking of the reflected light on the cheap jewels.  Whether it was the smoke, the flickering lights, the ornate and intricate designs on the cards or simply a combination of all three, every one of the teenagers began to feel a heaviness gathering about them.  The shadows surrounding them seemed to darken and the soft shuffling sound of the cards became an almost ominous breathing to their ears.

“Will we become legends all across Gaea?” Guimel asked, his eyes bright and eager.

“Will we be victorious in our endeavors?” Shesta added, leaning forward and staring at the cards with a near worshipful light in his eyes.  

“I want to know if all of our dreams will come true.”  Ryuun asked, leaning back slightly, a faint smirk on his face as if he was convinced that he’d somehow managed to stump the old woman.

“Will Zaibach finally know peace?”  Gatti found himself asking, unable to resist the lure of the moment.

“Will we be together forever?”  Miguel questioned softly, keeping his question somewhat ambiguous despite shifting slightly so that his hand brushed his captain’s as the two of them shared a discreet glance.  Cheeks reddening slightly, the slayer allowed himself a smile before fixing his attention back on the cards.  His colour deepened when there was an answering brush of Dilandau’s fingers against his own.

“And you Captain Albatou?  What question would you ask the Spirits?”  Crimson eyes narrowed slightly, almost glowing beneath their pale silvery white lashes.

“I have no questions for you.”  Dilandau replied defiantly.  “Only one man in Zaibach can see the future clearly and that is Emperor Dornkirk.  I see no need to rely on second rate spirits and a deck of cards to learn my destiny. It will be as He foretells.”

“So be it.”    She murmured softly and plucked a card from the deck, placing it reverently in the center of the table.  Its face was a picture of a rustic village.  People wearing old fashioned clothing and archaic tools milled about, tending to their various duties.  Though the picture was simple in design, the bitterness and hopelessness was evident on each and every face.  A closer look revealed that the houses were crumbling even as the workers try to fix them, and the field in the background was barren.

“The Ancient Village.”  She explained, tracing her fingers reverently across the surface of the card.  “Pain haunts each and every one of you if you look deeply enough, but still you continue on despite adversity.  Fulfilling your duties mean more than the state of the world around you.”  

Several of the slayers shifted somewhat uncomfortably at the statement though Shesta raised his hand rather timidly.

“Um… I’ve actually had a pretty good life so far. I mean… sure the training is hard, but it’s worth it right?  Really, that’s the only suffering I’ve really had…Did I fail the reading?”  He chewed his lower lip nervously as he glanced at the others for encouragement.

“You’re fine Shesta.”  Dilandau stated firmly, giving the card a dismissive sneer.  “It’s just a safe assumption with anyone as young and successful as we are to say that something dark drives us forward. Besides, everyone has a sad story somewhere.”  The slender albino crossed his arms over his chest and met the old woman’s gaze. Another card was drawn and placed on the table.

“The Shining Sun.  This means-”

“Let me guess, that we’ve overcome our obstacles and have reached new heights, shining like beacons to those around us and drawing them to our light and warmth?”  Dilandau cut in, mimicking her raspy voice with surprising accuracy.  At his side, Miguel struggled not to snicker while Shesta and Guimel looked aghast at the open mocking.  Gatti and Ryuun exchanged looks of long suffering from across the table.

“Yes, it does imply that.”  The woman murmured tersely, her wrinkled lips thinning at the captain’s words.  “However it also warns of the risks of the illusions behind great power.    The closer you move towards the sun, the colder it gets, does it not?  The more power you gain, the less you will find you in fact have.  Do not be lured by its brilliance young ones.  Hubris has led to the fall of many gods.  After all, even the sun is not omnipotent.”  The third card was drawn and placed overtop the fiery orb.  This time, it was a painting of the Mystic Moon, looming large and blue as it practically shone on the card.

“The Mystic Moon often eclipses the sun remember. Never discount its power.”

“It’s little more than a pretty rock floating beyond our world.”  Dilandau scoffed, earning himself a narrow eyes glare from the woman.

“And yet our beloved Emperor hails from that world does he not?”  The pale captain jerked back slightly as if slapped and biting back his next acerbic comment, properly chastened.  “It is a world of great power, mystery and change.  Our world cannot exist without the Mystic Moon, nor can it exist without ours. There is power linking the two worlds and it shines brightly upon your destiny, obscuring your sun.”  She tapped the card sharply with a bony fingertip and smiled slightly as several of the Dragonslayers winced.

“Calamity.”  She stated as she drew the next one, placing it beside the Mystic Moon’s card.  On it was a great fire burning across the land. Tiny men and women raced in front of the blaze but seemed unaware that they were heading towards a cliff.

“Fire is always fun!”  Dilandau seemed to brighten at seeing the image, a wide smile gracing his lips.  Gatti coughed lightly, trying to cover up the sound and make it seem like a natural reaction to the smoke rather than his leader’s pyromania.

“None of your cards seem very happy.”  Shesta murmured, eyeing the stack warily as they continued to be quickly shuffled by the old woman’s hands.  “Are we all in trouble or something?”

“Of course not!”  The captain replied confidently.  “It’s all about interpretation.  She’s just trying to scare us and make you doubt yourselves. Did those Silver Army assholes put you up to this?  They did didn’t they?”

The old woman sighed softly and shook her head, not pausing in her continuous shuffling.

“The Spirits choose the cards and I merely tell you what I see in their depths.  How you choose to interpret my words is your choice.”  She glanced down at the towering wall of fire, her eyes growing distant.  “Great changes loom in your future.  Terrible and great.  You will be forever altered by your choices and the destiny they bring about.  Do not become trapped by what you perceive to be the threat, the true danger often lies beyond your sight.”

“Ugh, it’s like talking to Folken…”  Dilandau huffed loudly, leaning back away from the table insolently.  “All riddles and half truths.  Really it’s all just a show so you can look like you know far more than you do.  I know the trick and it’s boooring.”

“Sir… maybe she’s right, maybe we should be more careful…”  Shesta hedged cautiously, thinking of all the dangerous risks they’d taken in their rapid rise to fame.  More than one powerful figure counted themselves as an enemy of the Dragonslayer despite the team being public heroes.  There were far too many people who wanted nothing more than to see the prized team fall hard.

“Careful is for old men and cowards Shesta.” Dilandau growled softly in warning. “I have no use for either.”

“Understood sir.”

“What’s the next card?”  Gatti asked, choosing to proceed rather than risking the headstrong dragonslayer saying something to further annoy the captain.  Dilandau had been remarkably tolerant so far, he really didn’t want to push their luck any further than they had to.  Besides, it was clear that something was upsetting their leader despite his efforts to disguise it with snark.  Gatti knew the albino well enough by now to recognize all of the little nuances of his moods and the captain’s had gone rapidly downhill the instant seeing a fortune teller was mentioned.

“The Golden Chalice.  This represents worldly fortune.   Much like a chalice itself, you fortune can be full, or empty depending on the will of the fates.  Shall we see what the Spirits say of your future wealth?”  Shesta, Guimel and Ryuun nod their heads, unable to quite hide their avarice as the next card was drawn and placed atop it.

“Ah, the Throned King.”  The old woman murmured, sounding utterly delighted as she revealed the next card with a flourish which belied her age.  “When he looks upon the Golden Chalice, it speaks of great fortune ready to befall you.”  Unable to help themselves, the three teens leaned forward eagerly, their youthful eyes bright with delight as they drank in her every word.

               “I knew it!”  Guimel punched his fist into the air, his high voice filled with delight as he envisioned the riches and fame which were soon to be his.  “Didn’t I tell you that our luck was impeccable?”

               “It’s not luck.”  Gatti murmured softly in a deadpan voice, giving the cards a cold glare of suspicion. “It’s training for twelve hours a day. Do you honestly think that luck holds a candle to Lord Dilandau’s training regime?”

               “Luck doesn’t stop your weapon from breaking, or a stray rock from turning our ankles.”  The fluffy haired Dragonslayer countered boldly, earning himself a raised silvery white eyebrow from the captain himself.

“Really?”  He asked, his voice dropping to that warning purr which always seemed to precede some act of horrific violence.  “Is that what you’re going to tell me when I inspect your equipment tonight?  That you’re relying on luck to keep your weapon sound?”  

Guimel seemed to turn nearly as white as the albino and he shook his head violently enough that his curls bobbed with a life of their own.

“No sir!  Of course not sir!  My weapons are all in prime condition sir!”

Realizing that she was beginning to lose the attention of her audience, the old woman placed another card down into the pattern with an audible snap and a chortle of glee, drawing the attention back to her.

               “Ah!  The Sword Queen!  A great battle looms on the horizon for you all, when paired with the Throned King, it speaks of a glorious victory as well!”  She leaned forward and grinned at Dilandau widely, the beads glittering in her mouth as she stared at him with rheumy eyes.  “You should not doubt the power of my cards young one.  The fates are mine to read and such a power should be respected.”

               It took every ounce of self-control for Dilandau to keep from punching her in the face for daring to challenge him in front of his men. Instead, he offered her an utterly false lazy smile in response.  

               “I’m sure your cards are most impressive, but a child would be able to make these predictions.  We’re the Dragonslayers, the most elite unit in Copper Army and one of the prime squads in all of the Four Demon Armies.   Of course we’re going to win an upcoming battle.  We’ve never been defeated and we never will be.  It’s what we do and I would accept nothing less from my men.”  Pride coloured his voice as he spoke of his men and each of them squared their shoulders and raised their chins, buoyed by the rare words of open praise from their idol.

               “Let’s go, this fortune teller is a mockery of our Esteemed Emperor.  I see no reason to further indulge in this travesty… and the markings on your tent are a damn soup recipe woman!  Show some ambition when you’re stealing from a mystical language!”  With that, Dilandau rose gracefully to his feet, sneering down at the still seated woman and her tawdry cards.  

               “But… I want to see if I ever find a girlfriend!”  Guimel protested, unable to keep a plaintive whine from his voice.  

               “Try growing a little.”  Ryuun suggested helpfully, reaching over and ruffling the small slayers fluffy curls. “Right now you’ll likely only attract ewes.”

               “Was that a sheep joke?  That was a sheep joke wasn’t it!?  We’ve been over this!  I can’t do a thing about my hair!”

               “We should probably get Dallet and Viole before they start another brothel fight or catch something the medics can’t cure.”  Miguel muttered softly to the captain, favouring the woman with a dark look of his own, bitter at not having his own question answered.  Of course, he already knew the answer in his heart and in the end that was all that truly mattered to him.

               “Thank you for the fortunes!”  Shesta whispered softly to the woman, dropping an additional coin on her table before hurrying off to follow his team which had already exited through the curtains. “It was really interesting!”  He flashed her a wide grin as he ducked out, leaving the old woman alone with the flickering candles and cards.

               Her hands continued to absently shuffle the deck for another few moments before she drew two more cards, placing them next to each other.  For the first time, her eyes grew wide with shock and she sucked in breath loudly through her teeth.

               “The Rampant Dragon and the Draconian Rising…Such dark cards… such a cruel destiny.”  Sighing softly, she gently traced over the edge of the draconians wing, feeling a shudder of dread at the sight of the unluckiest combination she’d ever seen. It was a shame that such a fate would befall that sweet blond boy with the shining eyes.  However, as for the rest of the little murderers…  Her face hardened as she stared down at the cursed denizen of Atlantis.  “They will rush headlong into calamity, dragging all they know and love with them into death… hmph.  Foolish arrogant boys.  That’s what they get for mocking Momma Fortuna.”

  �a8MS

[jessicakehoe]

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek

There are several ways to discern that the Rose family, before they washed up on the shores of Schitt’s Creek, was mega-rich. One, they remind us constantly. Two, their combined wardrobe contains enough luxury designer threads—Wang! Owens! McQueen! Marant!—to fill a massive concept store, or at the very least, “a boutique in Prague that’s only open Sunday nights.” Three, they’re forever dropping breadcrumbs about their former lives, offering us little peeks at the Roses of yore.

By now we know that Johnny and Moira have partied with the Castros (and the Clintons and the Schwarzeneggers), David’s got some not-so-fond memories with Anderson Cooper and Nate Berkus in his past, and Alexis… well, US Weekly once described her as “up for anything,” and so far we know that includes a blind date with Leonardo DiCaprio, a tryst with an unnamed Saudi prince, and a relationship with a Sultan’s nephew that lasted “like, half a regime change.”

Read on for every celebrity encounter the Roses have revealed to us so far.

Season 1

Episode 1 Alexis: “Stavros is flying in to get me, I told you that.” David: “What do you mean Stavros is… What do you mean? When? When is he doing that?” Alexis: “Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.

”

Alexis: “I actually think this place is kinda cute.” Moira: “Did you say cute? No Alexis, Martha Stewart’s Hampton home is cute.

”

Alexis: “Stavros just texted me. And he ended it, he’s not coming! He said he doesn’t have time to come and get me, because he already RSVP’d to Diddy’s White Party, and doesn’t have time to do both! But I was supposed to be his date to the White Party!

”

Episode 7 David: “Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?” Alexis: “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so… I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be fine.

”

Ronnie: “You ever killed before?” David: “Have I ever killed before? No. Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.”

via GIPHY

Episode 12 Johnny: “You didn’t think your mother would get involved in planning a fundraiser? My God, she had Hillary shaking last year at the Clinton Foundation dinner.”

Episode 13 Johnny: “Hey, that’s a good coat. I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kaminski Auction.”

via GIPHY

Season 2

Episode 1 Alexis: “Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!”

Alexis: “You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag, and that it was fake.” Moira: “I didn’t want you taking it.” Alexis: “Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane Sawyer sells fake bags on the down-low.”

Episode 5 David: “Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I’ve always been on the fence about it.” Alexis: “I don’t know.” David: “What do you mean, you don’t know? You either like it, or you don’t like it.” Alexis: “I mean, I like it ’cause Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don’t know if I like, like it, like it.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at that AmFar dinner? ‘You are the life that you accept for yourself.’ Those are Goldie’s words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it. In any case it has always stayed with me.”

David: “Scent is a really important factor in defining a brand. Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex’s credit, Curve Pour Hommes hasn’t been the look since 1997.”

Ronnie: “Usually these council decisions, they take weeks.” Moira: “Oh I won’t wait for anyone’s decision. I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an Artists Against Eczema benefit within the hour.”

Episode 9 Moira: “I did a series of very tasteful nudes with Richard Avedon in the ’70s.” Stevie: “I see. Um… This is really not in my job description so…” Moira: “Why aren’t they coming up?”

Episode 10 Moira: “Needless to say, that was the last time I played charades with Fran Lebowitz.”

Episode 12 Alexis: “I know that we just met but if Prince Harry trusted me with his life, then I think you can too.”

via GIPHY

Season 3

Episode 6 Moira: “John and I used to attend Eyes Wide Shut parties at the Castros’. Though… I’m guessing your evening’s activities might be somewhat different.”

Alexis: “I can’t go to college, yet. Because I didn’t finish high school.” Ted: “Oh.” Alexis: “I know. It’s so embarrassing, and I never should’ve taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.”

Episode 7 Jocelyn: “So here’s the thing about Marie Antoinette. Even though I love to eat cake, I think I’d be pretty annoyed with her myself. I do see your hand up Alexis, it’s just that you probably haven’t had a chance to catch up.” Alexis: “Okay, it’s just that she never actually said “let them eat cake.”” Jocelyn: “Um well, that depends on who you ask.” Alexis: “Hmm, well, I asked Kirsten Dunst, who played her in the movie. Um, that line was actually written years before Marie Antoinette allegedly said it. And um, Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs.” Jocelyn: “Thank you for that contribution to the discussion, now…” Alexis: “My friends used to call me Marie, and that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole like, is she gonna be a princess thing, um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just like, partying too hard.”

via GIPHY

Alexis: “I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson. Or like, she stole it from me, and then I stole it back.”

Season 4

Episode 3 Moira: “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose benefit for juvenile rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.”

David: “You didn’t even play Patty, though.” Moira: “You know I did! The night Patricia LuPone ate that pre-show shawarma, and I was asked to step in. I’ve always wanted to reprise the role.”

Episode 5 Moira: “This is not… not how I imagined my resurrection news to break! ‘Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of Podunk motel.’ No, that’s not the headline!” Stevie: “Okay, well I actually own this Podunk motel, and I don’t know what choice you have.” Moira: “Well, we have to think of something. After all my fans have endured? No, I can’t let them see me like this. It would kill Sir Tony Geary.”

Episode 7 Alexis: “I used to text Zac Efron just, like, a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. 
Poor thing would be, like, buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.”

via GIPHY

Episode 8 Alexis: “Ted can’t know about this, David. Miguel’s the only other vet in town, and they have this, like, dumb rivalry.” David: “When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all three Hanson brothers.”

Episode 11 Moira: “There was that summer that Jimmy Smits stole my heart onstage in a workshop-only production of Officer and a Gentleman. I suppose that might be called emotional embezzlement.”

Christmas Special Patrick: “Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party?” David: “Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I’d burned that bridge in Ibiza.”

Johnny: “You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays. Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy’s Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria’s. How ’bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?” Moira: “I heard Peter Fundraiser! Bogdanovich loved a mink.”

via GIPHY

Season 5

Episode 1 Patrick: “Why would he agree do this when he’s afraid of heights?” Alexi: “He’s not afraid of heights, he’s afraid of moths and butterflies.” Ted: “And businesswomen in sneakers.” Patrick: “And also heights, something to do with him being broken up with while he was…” Alexis: “Parasailing in the Seychelles! He and Anderson Cooper were stuck up there for like, three hours, until the wind died down!”

Episode 2 Alexis: “I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you!” Twyla: “We’re not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but um maybe I could take that bracelet?” Alexis: “Yes! Um, I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.”

Episode 3 Alexis: “Um did I leave a Q-tip in or did you just tell me that you guys are getting an apartment together?” David: “We’re just going to look.” Alexis: “Yeah and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Oh I’m not above a naughty night of debauchery. When Condi Rice and Sharon Stone and I used to make our annual casino sojourn to Ho Chi Minh City… well lets just say toi khong bao gio thua.”

David: “I think it’s important for Patrick to experience other people in order to realize how good he has it with me.” Alexis: “What if he doesn’t come to that realization? Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I’d send them off with someone who, like, wasn’t a threat, like Pippa Middleton or Rihanna.”

Alexis: “This is why you have ground rules, David. Josh Groban has a thick leather-bound binder full of them.”

Moira: “I’m thinking of a particular night in Monaco with Maggie Trudeau and The Rolling Stones.” Jocelyn: “You rocked out with the Stones?” Moira: “All except Charlie but every party has a pooper.”

Episode 7 Ted: “That was fun but maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying.” Alexis: “Okay fine but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure.”

via GIPHY

Episode 9 Alexis: “If this is anything like my first day with the Pussycat Dolls, it’ll be a couple of hours of Kegels, and then an afternoon of cheeky Bellinis.” Stevie: “It’s just a lot of pressure.” Alexis: “Don’t even worry about it. I got your back today, girl. Just like Nicole Scherzinger did for me.”

Episode 12 David: “When she was coaching me for the Little Mister pageant I made the mistake of going to Mario Lopez for advice. He was hosting at the time.”

Alexis: “What about long distance? I once maintained a successful, semi-committed, text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was shooting Pearl Harbour.”

Season 6

Episode 1 Johnny: “Does this not remind you of the wellness retreat we went to in Evian right after Alexis ended things with Sean Penn?”

Moira: “I’ve never been more lucid and I’m including that Peruvian ayahuasca retreat we embarked upon with Al and Tipper.”

David: “You mixed up the day and the month on your ticket again, didn’t you?” Alexis: “No. No!” David: “Like that time you showed up to Kate Winslet’s wedding a month late.” Alexis: “The calligraphy was hard to read and Billy Zane also did the same thing, David!”

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Episode 2 Moira: “We have our very own digital soapbox here. It reminds me of the Nickelodeon pilot I did in which Ashley Tisdale and I played suffragettes. You remember, You Go, Girl.”

Episode 4

Alexis: “Think of all the people on the planet who find someone. Somehow you’re one of those people.” David: “I don’t know how to take that.” Alexis: “I mean you didn’t end up marrying JC Chasez or Jenna Elfman but I actually kind of feel like Patrick’s the best of both of them.”

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Alexis: “Imagine what I can do with your bachelor party, David. Diplo still sends me nudes.”

Stevie: “I’m starting to realize that there’s a lot more to this job than I thought.” Alexis: “Tell me about it. I once planned Megan Fox’s bachelorette on this tiny island off the coast of Montenegro where nothing is illegal. Like, nothing.”

Episode 8

Alexis: “You’re starting to sound like me trying to end things with B-Rok on the Backstreet Boys Millennium Tour.”

Alexis: “What now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? Because I did that with Harry Styles in England, and it was, like, too rainy.”

Episode 9 Alexis: “Well if you really want to know, I dated guys, like, a whole lot worse than Artie. Where were you when I was dating half the cast of White Squall?”

via GIPHY

Episode 11 Moira: “Is it all right if I don’t watch Panic Room with everyone tonight? Jo Foster once screened it for me privately, and I would like to keep that memory safe.”

Alexis: “Okay I’ve used the clues to turn the dial on the flashlight and it spells out “England.” So, thank you my weekend with Tom Hardy, England is here.”

Episode 12 Alexis: “You would have no way of knowing this but usually when someone sends a jet for you, it means he’s very interested. Trust me. And Tiger Woods.”

The post All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on <em>Schitt’s Creek</em> appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek published first on https://borboletabags.tumblr.com/

[lindyhunt]

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek

There are several ways to discern that the Rose family, before they washed up on the shores of Schitt’s Creek, was mega-rich. One, they remind us constantly. Two, their combined wardrobe contains enough luxury designer threads—Wang! Owens! McQueen! Marant!—to fill a massive concept store, or at the very least, “a boutique in Prague that’s only open Sunday nights.” Three, they’re forever dropping breadcrumbs about their former lives, offering us little peeks at the Roses of yore.

By now we know that Johnny and Moira have partied with the Castros (and the Clintons and the Schwarzeneggers), David’s got some not-so-fond memories with Anderson Cooper and Nate Berkus in his past, and Alexis… well, US Weekly once described her as “up for anything,” and so far we know that includes a blind date with Leonardo DiCaprio, a tryst with an unnamed Saudi prince, and a relationship with a Sultan’s nephew that lasted “like, half a regime change.”

Read on for every celebrity encounter the Roses have revealed to us so far.

Season 1

Episode 1 Alexis: “Stavros is flying in to get me, I told you that.” David: “What do you mean Stavros is com… What do you mean? When? When is he doing that?” Alexis: “Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.

”

Alexis: “I actually think this place is kinda cute.” Moira: “Did you say cute? No Alexis, Martha Stewart’s Hampton home is cute.

”

Alexis: “Stavros just texted me. And he ended it, he’s not coming! He said he doesn’t have time to come and get me, because he already RSVP’d to Diddy’s White Party, and doesn’t have time to do both! But I was supposed to be his date to the White Party!

”

Episode 7 David: “Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?” Alexis: “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so… I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be fine.

”

Ronnie: “You ever killed before?” David: “Have I ever killed before? No. Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.”

via GIPHY

Episode 12 Johnny: “You didn’t think your mother would get involved in planning a fundraiser? My God, she had Hillary shaking last year at the Clinton Foundation dinner.”

Episode 13 Johnny: “Hey, that’s a good coat. I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kaminski Auction.”

via GIPHY

Season 2

Episode 1 Alexis: “Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!”

Alexis: “You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag, and that it was fake.” Moira: “I didn’t want you taking it.” Alexis: “Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane Sawyer sells fake bags on the down-low.”

Episode 5 David: “Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I’ve always been on the fence about it.” Alexis: “I don’t know.” David: “What do you mean, you don’t know? You either like it, or you don’t like it.” Alexis: “I mean, I like it ’cause Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don’t know if I like, like it, like it.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at that AmFar dinner? ‘You are the life that you accept for yourself.’ Those are Goldie’s words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it. In any case it has always stayed with me.”

David: “Scent is a really important factor in defining a brand. Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex’s credit, Curve Pour Hommes hasn’t been the look since 1997.”

Ronnie: “Usually these council decisions, they take weeks.” Moira: “Oh I won’t wait for anyone’s decision. I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an Artists Against Eczema benefit within the hour.”

Episode 9 Moira: “I did a series of very tasteful nudes with Richard Avedon in the ’70s.” Stevie: “I see. Um… This is really not in my job description so…” Moira: “Why aren’t they coming up?”

Episode 10 Moira: “Needless to say, that was the last time I played charades with Fran Lebowitz.”

Episode 12 Alexis: “I know that we just met but if Prince Harry trusted me with his life, then I think you can too.”

via GIPHY

Season 3

Episode 6 Moira: “John and I used to attend Eyes Wide Shut parties at the Castros’. Though… I’m guessing your evening’s activities might be somewhat different.”

Alexis: “I can’t go to college, yet. Because I didn’t finish high school.” Ted: “Oh.” Alexis: “I know. It’s so embarrassing, and I never should’ve taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.”

Episode 7 Jocelyn: “So here’s the thing about Marie Antoinette. Even though I love to eat cake, I think I’d be pretty annoyed with her myself. I do see your hand up Alexis, it’s just that you probably haven’t had a chance to catch up.” Alexis: “Okay, it’s just that she never actually said “let them eat cake.”” Jocelyn: “Um well, that depends on who you ask.” Alexis: “Hmm, well, I asked Kirsten Dunst, who played her in the movie. Um, that line was actually written years before Marie Antoinette allegedly said it. And um, Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs.” Jocelyn: “Thank you for that contribution to the discussion, now…” Alexis: “My friends used to call me Marie, and that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole like, is she gonna be a princess thing, um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just like, partying too hard.”

Alexis: “I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson. Or like, she stole it from me, and then I stole it back.”

via GIPHY

Season 4

Episode 3 Moira: “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose benefit for juvenile rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.”

David: “You didn’t even play Patty, though.” Moira: “You know I did! The night Patricia LuPone ate that pre-show shawarma, and I was asked to step in. I’ve always wanted to reprise the role.”

Episode 5 Moira: “This is not… not how I imagined my resurrection news to break! ‘Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of Podunk motel.’ No, that’s not the headline!” Stevie: “Okay, well I actually own this Podunk motel, and I don’t know what choice you have.” Moira: “Well, we have to think of something. After all my fans have endured? No, I can’t let them see me like this. It would kill Sir Tony Geary.”

Episode 7 Alexis: “I used to text Zac Efron just, like, a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. 
Poor thing would be, like, buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.”

via GIPHY

Episode 8 A: “Ted can’t know about this, David. Miguel’s the only other vet in town, and they have this, like, dumb rivalry.” D: “When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all three Hanson brothers.”

Episode 11 Moira: “There was that summer that Jimmy Smits stole my heart onstage in a workshop-only production of Officer and a Gentleman. I suppose that might be called emotional embezzlement.”

Christmas Special Patrick: “Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party?” David: “Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I’d burned that bridge in Ibiza.”

Johnny: “You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays. Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy’s Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria’s. How ’bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?” Moira: “I heard Peter Fundraiser! Bogdanovich loved a mink.”

via GIPHY

Season 5

Episode 1 Patrick: “Why would he agree do this when he’s afraid of heights?” Alexi: “He’s not afraid of heights, he’s afraid of moths and butterflies.” Ted: “And businesswomen in sneakers.” Patrick: “And also heights, something to do with him being broken up with while he was…” Alexis: “Parasailing in the Seychelles! He and Anderson Cooper were stuck up there for like, three hours, until the wind died down!”

Episode 2 Alexis: “I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you!” Twyla: “We’re not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but um maybe I could take that bracelet?” Alexis: “Yes! Um, I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.”

Episode 3 Alexis: “Um did I leave a Q-tip in or did you just tell me that you guys are getting an apartment together?” David: “We’re just going to look.” Alexis: “Yeah and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Oh I’m not above a naughty night of debauchery. When Condi Rice and Sharon Stone and I used to make our annual casino sojourn to Ho Chi Minh City… well lets just say toi khong bao gio thua.”

David: “I think it’s important for Patrick to experience other people in order to realize how good he has it with me.” Alexis: “What if he doesn’t come to that realization? Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I’d send them off with someone who, like, wasn’t a threat, like Pippa Middleton or Rihanna.”

Alexis: “This is why you have ground rules, David. Josh Groban has a thick leather-bound binder full of them.”

Moira: “I’m thinking of a particular night in Monaco with Maggie Trudeau and The Rolling Stones.” Jocelyn: “You rocked out with the Stones?” Moira: “All except Charlie but every party has a pooper.”

Episode 7 Ted: “That was fun but maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying.” Alexis: “Okay fine but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure.”

[jessicakehoe]

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek

There are several ways to discern that the Rose family, before they washed up on the shores of Schitt’s Creek, was mega-rich. One, they remind us constantly. Two, their combined wardrobe contains enough luxury designer threads—Wang! Owens! McQueen! Marant!—to fill a massive concept store, or at the very least, “a boutique in Prague that’s only open Sunday nights.” Three, they’re forever dropping breadcrumbs about their former lives, offering us little peeks at the Roses of yore.

By now we know that Johnny and Moira have partied with the Castros (and the Clintons and the Schwarzeneggers), David’s got some not-so-fond memories with Anderson Cooper and Nate Berkus in his past, and Alexis… well, US Weekly once described her as “up for anything,” and so far we know that includes a blind date with Leonardo DiCaprio, a tryst with an unnamed Saudi prince, and a relationship with a Sultan’s nephew that lasted “like, half a regime change.”

Read on for every celebrity encounter the Roses have revealed to us so far.

Season 1

Episode 1 Alexis: “Stavros is flying in to get me, I told you that.” David: “What do you mean Stavros is… What do you mean? When? When is he doing that?” Alexis: “Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.

”

Alexis: “I actually think this place is kinda cute.” Moira: “Did you say cute? No Alexis, Martha Stewart’s Hampton home is cute.

”

Alexis: “Stavros just texted me. And he ended it, he’s not coming! He said he doesn’t have time to come and get me, because he already RSVP’d to Diddy’s White Party, and doesn’t have time to do both! But I was supposed to be his date to the White Party!

”

Episode 7 David: “Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?” Alexis: “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so… I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be fine.

”

Ronnie: “You ever killed before?” David: “Have I ever killed before? No. Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.”

via GIPHY

Episode 12 Johnny: “You didn’t think your mother would get involved in planning a fundraiser? My God, she had Hillary shaking last year at the Clinton Foundation dinner.”

Episode 13 Johnny: “Hey, that’s a good coat. I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kaminski Auction.”

via GIPHY

Season 2

Episode 1 Alexis: “Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!”

Alexis: “You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag, and that it was fake.” Moira: “I didn’t want you taking it.” Alexis: “Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane Sawyer sells fake bags on the down-low.”

Episode 5 David: “Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I’ve always been on the fence about it.” Alexis: “I don’t know.” David: “What do you mean, you don’t know? You either like it, or you don’t like it.” Alexis: “I mean, I like it ’cause Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don’t know if I like, like it, like it.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at that AmFar dinner? ‘You are the life that you accept for yourself.’ Those are Goldie’s words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it. In any case it has always stayed with me.”

David: “Scent is a really important factor in defining a brand. Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex’s credit, Curve Pour Hommes hasn’t been the look since 1997.”

Ronnie: “Usually these council decisions, they take weeks.” Moira: “Oh I won’t wait for anyone’s decision. I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an Artists Against Eczema benefit within the hour.”

Episode 9 Moira: “I did a series of very tasteful nudes with Richard Avedon in the ’70s.” Stevie: “I see. Um… This is really not in my job description so…” Moira: “Why aren’t they coming up?”

Episode 10 Moira: “Needless to say, that was the last time I played charades with Fran Lebowitz.”

Episode 12 Alexis: “I know that we just met but if Prince Harry trusted me with his life, then I think you can too.”

via GIPHY

Season 3

Episode 6 Moira: “John and I used to attend Eyes Wide Shut parties at the Castros’. Though… I’m guessing your evening’s activities might be somewhat different.”

Alexis: “I can’t go to college, yet. Because I didn’t finish high school.” Ted: “Oh.” Alexis: “I know. It’s so embarrassing, and I never should’ve taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.”

Episode 7 Jocelyn: “So here’s the thing about Marie Antoinette. Even though I love to eat cake, I think I’d be pretty annoyed with her myself. I do see your hand up Alexis, it’s just that you probably haven’t had a chance to catch up.” Alexis: “Okay, it’s just that she never actually said “let them eat cake.”” Jocelyn: “Um well, that depends on who you ask.” Alexis: “Hmm, well, I asked Kirsten Dunst, who played her in the movie. Um, that line was actually written years before Marie Antoinette allegedly said it. And um, Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs.” Jocelyn: “Thank you for that contribution to the discussion, now…” Alexis: “My friends used to call me Marie, and that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole like, is she gonna be a princess thing, um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just like, partying too hard.”

via GIPHY

Alexis: “I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson. Or like, she stole it from me, and then I stole it back.”

Season 4

Episode 3 Moira: “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose benefit for juvenile rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.”

David: “You didn’t even play Patty, though.” Moira: “You know I did! The night Patricia LuPone ate that pre-show shawarma, and I was asked to step in. I’ve always wanted to reprise the role.”

Episode 5 Moira: “This is not… not how I imagined my resurrection news to break! ‘Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of Podunk motel.’ No, that’s not the headline!” Stevie: “Okay, well I actually own this Podunk motel, and I don’t know what choice you have.” Moira: “Well, we have to think of something. After all my fans have endured? No, I can’t let them see me like this. It would kill Sir Tony Geary.”

Episode 7 Alexis: “I used to text Zac Efron just, like, a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. 
Poor thing would be, like, buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.”

via GIPHY

Episode 8 Alexis: “Ted can’t know about this, David. Miguel’s the only other vet in town, and they have this, like, dumb rivalry.” David: “When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all three Hanson brothers.”

Episode 11 Moira: “There was that summer that Jimmy Smits stole my heart onstage in a workshop-only production of Officer and a Gentleman. I suppose that might be called emotional embezzlement.”

Christmas Special Patrick: “Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party?” David: “Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I’d burned that bridge in Ibiza.”

Johnny: “You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays. Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy’s Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria’s. How ’bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?” Moira: “I heard Peter Fundraiser! Bogdanovich loved a mink.”

via GIPHY

Season 5

Episode 1 Patrick: “Why would he agree do this when he’s afraid of heights?” Alexi: “He’s not afraid of heights, he’s afraid of moths and butterflies.” Ted: “And businesswomen in sneakers.” Patrick: “And also heights, something to do with him being broken up with while he was…” Alexis: “Parasailing in the Seychelles! He and Anderson Cooper were stuck up there for like, three hours, until the wind died down!”

Episode 2 Alexis: “I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you!” Twyla: “We’re not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but um maybe I could take that bracelet?” Alexis: “Yes! Um, I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.”

Episode 3 Alexis: “Um did I leave a Q-tip in or did you just tell me that you guys are getting an apartment together?” David: “We’re just going to look.” Alexis: “Yeah and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Oh I’m not above a naughty night of debauchery. When Condi Rice and Sharon Stone and I used to make our annual casino sojourn to Ho Chi Minh City… well lets just say toi khong bao gio thua.”

David: “I think it’s important for Patrick to experience other people in order to realize how good he has it with me.” Alexis: “What if he doesn’t come to that realization? Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I’d send them off with someone who, like, wasn’t a threat, like Pippa Middleton or Rihanna.”

Alexis: “This is why you have ground rules, David. Josh Groban has a thick leather-bound binder full of them.”

Moira: “I’m thinking of a particular night in Monaco with Maggie Trudeau and The Rolling Stones.” Jocelyn: “You rocked out with the Stones?” Moira: “All except Charlie but every party has a pooper.”

Episode 7 Ted: “That was fun but maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying.” Alexis: “Okay fine but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure.”

via GIPHY

Episode 9 Alexis: “If this is anything like my first day with the Pussycat Dolls, it’ll be a couple of hours of Kegels, and then an afternoon of cheeky Bellinis.” Stevie: “It’s just a lot of pressure.” Alexis: “Don’t even worry about it. I got your back today, girl. Just like Nicole Scherzinger did for me.”

Episode 12 David: “When she was coaching me for the Little Mister pageant I made the mistake of going to Mario Lopez for advice. He was hosting at the time.”

Alexis: “What about long distance? I once maintained a successful, semi-committed, text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was shooting Pearl Harbour.”

Season 6

Episode 1 Johnny: “Does this not remind you of the wellness retreat we went to in Evian right after Alexis ended things with Sean Penn?”

Moira: “I’ve never been more lucid and I’m including that Peruvian ayahuasca retreat we embarked upon with Al and Tipper.”

David: “You mixed up the day and the month on your ticket again, didn’t you?” Alexis: “No. No!” David: “Like that time you showed up to Kate Winslet’s wedding a month late.” Alexis: “The calligraphy was hard to read and Billy Zane also did the same thing, David!”

via GIPHY

Episode 2 Moira: “We have our very own digital soapbox here. It reminds me of the Nickelodeon pilot I did in which Ashley Tisdale and I played suffragettes. You remember, You Go, Girl.”

Episode 4

Alexis: “Think of all the people on the planet who find someone. Somehow you’re one of those people.” David: “I don’t know how to take that.” Alexis: “I mean you didn’t end up marrying JC Chasez or Jenna Elfman but I actually kind of feel like Patrick’s the best of both of them.”

via GIPHY

Alexis: “Imagine what I can do with your bachelor party, David. Diplo still sends me nudes.”

Stevie: “I’m starting to realize that there’s a lot more to this job than I thought.” Alexis: “Tell me about it. I once planned Megan Fox’s bachelorette on this tiny island off the coast of Montenegro where nothing is illegal. Like, nothing.”

Episode 8

Alexis: “You’re starting to sound like me trying to end things with B-Rok on the Backstreet Boys Millennium Tour.”

Alexis: “What now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? Because I did that with Harry Styles in England, and it was, like, too rainy.”

Episode 9 Alexis: “Well if you really want to know, I dated guys, like, a whole lot worse than Artie. Where were you when I was dating half the cast of White Squall?”

via GIPHY

Episode 11 Alexis: “Okay I’ve used the clues to turn the dial on the flashlight and it spells out “England.” So, thank you my weekend with Tom Hardy, England is here.”

The post All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on <em>Schitt’s Creek</em> appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek published first on https://borboletabags.tumblr.com/

[jessicakehoe]

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek

There are several ways to discern that the Rose family, before they washed up on the shores of Schitt’s Creek, was mega-rich. One, they remind us constantly. Two, their combined wardrobe contains enough luxury designer threads—Wang! Owens! McQueen! Marant!—to fill a massive concept store, or at the very least, “a boutique in Prague that’s only open Sunday nights.” Three, they’re forever dropping breadcrumbs about their former lives, offering us little peeks at the Roses of yore.

By now we know that Johnny and Moira have partied with the Castros (and the Clintons and the Schwarzeneggers), David’s got some not-so-fond memories with Anderson Cooper and Nate Berkus in his past, and Alexis… well, US Weekly once described her as “up for anything,” and so far we know that includes a blind date with Leonardo DiCaprio, a tryst with an unnamed Saudi prince, and a relationship with a Sultan’s nephew that lasted “like, half a regime change.”

Read on for every celebrity encounter the Roses have revealed to us so far.

Season 1

Episode 1 Alexis: “Stavros is flying in to get me, I told you that.” David: “What do you mean Stavros is… What do you mean? When? When is he doing that?” Alexis: “Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.

”

Alexis: “I actually think this place is kinda cute.” Moira: “Did you say cute? No Alexis, Martha Stewart’s Hampton home is cute.

”

Alexis: “Stavros just texted me. And he ended it, he’s not coming! He said he doesn’t have time to come and get me, because he already RSVP’d to Diddy’s White Party, and doesn’t have time to do both! But I was supposed to be his date to the White Party!

”

Episode 7 David: “Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?” Alexis: “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so… I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be fine.

”

Ronnie: “You ever killed before?” David: “Have I ever killed before? No. Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.”

via GIPHY

Episode 12 Johnny: “You didn’t think your mother would get involved in planning a fundraiser? My God, she had Hillary shaking last year at the Clinton Foundation dinner.”

Episode 13 Johnny: “Hey, that’s a good coat. I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kaminski Auction.”

via GIPHY

Season 2

Episode 1 Alexis: “Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!”

Alexis: “You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag, and that it was fake.” Moira: “I didn’t want you taking it.” Alexis: “Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane Sawyer sells fake bags on the down-low.”

Episode 5 David: “Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I’ve always been on the fence about it.” Alexis: “I don’t know.” David: “What do you mean, you don’t know? You either like it, or you don’t like it.” Alexis: “I mean, I like it ’cause Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don’t know if I like, like it, like it.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at that AmFar dinner? ‘You are the life that you accept for yourself.’ Those are Goldie’s words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it. In any case it has always stayed with me.”

David: “Scent is a really important factor in defining a brand. Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex’s credit, Curve Pour Hommes hasn’t been the look since 1997.”

Ronnie: “Usually these council decisions, they take weeks.” Moira: “Oh I won’t wait for anyone’s decision. I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an Artists Against Eczema benefit within the hour.”

Episode 9 Moira: “I did a series of very tasteful nudes with Richard Avedon in the ’70s.” Stevie: “I see. Um… This is really not in my job description so…” Moira: “Why aren’t they coming up?”

Episode 10 Moira: “Needless to say, that was the last time I played charades with Fran Lebowitz.”

Episode 12 Alexis: “I know that we just met but if Prince Harry trusted me with his life, then I think you can too.”

via GIPHY

Season 3

Episode 6 Moira: “John and I used to attend Eyes Wide Shut parties at the Castros’. Though… I’m guessing your evening’s activities might be somewhat different.”

Alexis: “I can’t go to college, yet. Because I didn’t finish high school.” Ted: “Oh.” Alexis: “I know. It’s so embarrassing, and I never should’ve taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.”

Episode 7 Jocelyn: “So here’s the thing about Marie Antoinette. Even though I love to eat cake, I think I’d be pretty annoyed with her myself. I do see your hand up Alexis, it’s just that you probably haven’t had a chance to catch up.” Alexis: “Okay, it’s just that she never actually said “let them eat cake.”” Jocelyn: “Um well, that depends on who you ask.” Alexis: “Hmm, well, I asked Kirsten Dunst, who played her in the movie. Um, that line was actually written years before Marie Antoinette allegedly said it. And um, Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs.” Jocelyn: “Thank you for that contribution to the discussion, now…” Alexis: “My friends used to call me Marie, and that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole like, is she gonna be a princess thing, um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just like, partying too hard.”

via GIPHY

Alexis: “I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson. Or like, she stole it from me, and then I stole it back.”

Season 4

Episode 3 Moira: “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose benefit for juvenile rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.”

David: “You didn’t even play Patty, though.” Moira: “You know I did! The night Patricia LuPone ate that pre-show shawarma, and I was asked to step in. I’ve always wanted to reprise the role.”

Episode 5 Moira: “This is not… not how I imagined my resurrection news to break! ‘Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of Podunk motel.’ No, that’s not the headline!” Stevie: “Okay, well I actually own this Podunk motel, and I don’t know what choice you have.” Moira: “Well, we have to think of something. After all my fans have endured? No, I can’t let them see me like this. It would kill Sir Tony Geary.”

Episode 7 Alexis: “I used to text Zac Efron just, like, a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. 
Poor thing would be, like, buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.”

via GIPHY

Episode 8 Alexis: “Ted can’t know about this, David. Miguel’s the only other vet in town, and they have this, like, dumb rivalry.” David: “When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all three Hanson brothers.”

Episode 11 Moira: “There was that summer that Jimmy Smits stole my heart onstage in a workshop-only production of Officer and a Gentleman. I suppose that might be called emotional embezzlement.”

Christmas Special Patrick: “Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party?” David: “Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I’d burned that bridge in Ibiza.”

Johnny: “You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays. Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy’s Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria’s. How ’bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?” Moira: “I heard Peter Fundraiser! Bogdanovich loved a mink.”

via GIPHY

Season 5

Episode 1 Patrick: “Why would he agree do this when he’s afraid of heights?” Alexi: “He’s not afraid of heights, he’s afraid of moths and butterflies.” Ted: “And businesswomen in sneakers.” Patrick: “And also heights, something to do with him being broken up with while he was…” Alexis: “Parasailing in the Seychelles! He and Anderson Cooper were stuck up there for like, three hours, until the wind died down!”

Episode 2 Alexis: “I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you!” Twyla: “We’re not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but um maybe I could take that bracelet?” Alexis: “Yes! Um, I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.”

Episode 3 Alexis: “Um did I leave a Q-tip in or did you just tell me that you guys are getting an apartment together?” David: “We’re just going to look.” Alexis: “Yeah and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Oh I’m not above a naughty night of debauchery. When Condi Rice and Sharon Stone and I used to make our annual casino sojourn to Ho Chi Minh City… well lets just say toi khong bao gio thua.”

David: “I think it’s important for Patrick to experience other people in order to realize how good he has it with me.” Alexis: “What if he doesn’t come to that realization? Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I’d send them off with someone who, like, wasn’t a threat, like Pippa Middleton or Rihanna.”

Alexis: “This is why you have ground rules, David. Josh Groban has a thick leather-bound binder full of them.”

Moira: “I’m thinking of a particular night in Monaco with Maggie Trudeau and The Rolling Stones.” Jocelyn: “You rocked out with the Stones?” Moira: “All except Charlie but every party has a pooper.”

Episode 7 Ted: “That was fun but maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying.” Alexis: “Okay fine but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure.”

via GIPHY

Episode 9 Alexis: “If this is anything like my first day with the Pussycat Dolls, it’ll be a couple of hours of Kegels, and then an afternoon of cheeky Bellinis.” Stevie: “It’s just a lot of pressure.” Alexis: “Don’t even worry about it. I got your back today, girl. Just like Nicole Scherzinger did for me.”

Episode 12 David: “When she was coaching me for the Little Mister pageant I made the mistake of going to Mario Lopez for advice. He was hosting at the time.”

Alexis: “What about long distance? I once maintained a successful, semi-committed, text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was shooting Pearl Harbour.”

Season 6

Episode 1 Johnny: “Does this not remind you of the wellness retreat we went to in Evian right after Alexis ended things with Sean Penn?”

Moira: “I’ve never been more lucid and I’m including that Peruvian ayahuasca retreat we embarked upon with Al and Tipper.”

David: “You mixed up the day and the month on your ticket again, didn’t you?” Alexis: “No. No!” David: “Like that time you showed up to Kate Winslet’s wedding a month late.” Alexis: “The calligraphy was hard to read and Billy Zane also did the same thing, David!”

via GIPHY

Episode 2 Moira: “We have our very own digital soapbox here. It reminds me of the Nickelodeon pilot I did in which Ashley Tisdale and I played suffragettes. You remember, You Go, Girl.”

Episode 4

Alexis: “Think of all the people on the planet who find someone. Somehow you’re one of those people.” David: “I don’t know how to take that.” Alexis: “I mean you didn’t end up marrying JC Chasez or Jenna Elfman but I actually kind of feel like Patrick’s the best of both of them.”

via GIPHY

Alexis: “Imagine what I can do with your bachelor party, David. Diplo still sends me nudes.”

Stevie: “I’m starting to realize that there’s a lot more to this job than I thought.” Alexis: “Tell me about it. I once planned Megan Fox’s bachelorette on this tiny island off the coast of Montenegro where nothing is illegal. Like, nothing.”

Episode 8

Alexis: “You’re starting to sound like me trying to end things with B-Rok on the Backstreet Boys Millennium Tour.”

Alexis: “What now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? Because I did that with Harry Styles in England, and it was, like, too rainy.”

Episode 9 Alexis: “Well if you really want to know, I dated guys, like, a whole lot worse than Artie. Where were you when I was dating half the cast of White Squall?”

The post All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on <em>Schitt’s Creek</em> appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek published first on https://borboletabags.tumblr.com/

[jessicakehoe]

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek

There are several ways to discern that the Rose family, before they washed up on the shores of Schitt’s Creek, was mega-rich. One, they remind us constantly. Two, their combined wardrobe contains enough luxury designer threads—Wang! Owens! McQueen! Marant!—to fill a massive concept store, or at the very least, “a boutique in Prague that’s only open Sunday nights.” Three, they’re forever dropping breadcrumbs about their former lives, offering us little peeks at the Roses of yore.

By now we know that Johnny and Moira have partied with the Castros (and the Clintons and the Schwarzeneggers), David’s got some not-so-fond memories with Anderson Cooper and Nate Berkus in his past, and Alexis… well, US Weekly once described her as “up for anything,” and so far we know that includes a blind date with Leonardo DiCaprio, a tryst with an unnamed Saudi prince, and a relationship with a Sultan’s nephew that lasted “like, half a regime change.”

Read on for every celebrity encounter the Roses have revealed to us so far.

Season 1

Episode 1 Alexis: “Stavros is flying in to get me, I told you that.” David: “What do you mean Stavros is… What do you mean? When? When is he doing that?” Alexis: “Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.

”

Alexis: “I actually think this place is kinda cute.” Moira: “Did you say cute? No Alexis, Martha Stewart’s Hampton home is cute.

”

Alexis: “Stavros just texted me. And he ended it, he’s not coming! He said he doesn’t have time to come and get me, because he already RSVP’d to Diddy’s White Party, and doesn’t have time to do both! But I was supposed to be his date to the White Party!

”

Episode 7 David: “Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?” Alexis: “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so… I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be fine.

”

Ronnie: “You ever killed before?” David: “Have I ever killed before? No. Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.”

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Episode 12 Johnny: “You didn’t think your mother would get involved in planning a fundraiser? My God, she had Hillary shaking last year at the Clinton Foundation dinner.”

Episode 13 Johnny: “Hey, that’s a good coat. I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kaminski Auction.”

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Season 2

Episode 1 Alexis: “Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!”

Alexis: “You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag, and that it was fake.” Moira: “I didn’t want you taking it.” Alexis: “Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane Sawyer sells fake bags on the down-low.”

Episode 5 David: “Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I’ve always been on the fence about it.” Alexis: “I don’t know.” David: “What do you mean, you don’t know? You either like it, or you don’t like it.” Alexis: “I mean, I like it ’cause Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don’t know if I like, like it, like it.”

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Episode 6 Moira: “Do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at that AmFar dinner? ‘You are the life that you accept for yourself.’ Those are Goldie’s words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it. In any case it has always stayed with me.”

David: “Scent is a really important factor in defining a brand. Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex’s credit, Curve Pour Hommes hasn’t been the look since 1997.”

Ronnie: “Usually these council decisions, they take weeks.” Moira: “Oh I won’t wait for anyone’s decision. I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an Artists Against Eczema benefit within the hour.”

Episode 9 Moira: “I did a series of very tasteful nudes with Richard Avedon in the ’70s.” Stevie: “I see. Um… This is really not in my job description so…” Moira: “Why aren’t they coming up?”

Episode 10 Moira: “Needless to say, that was the last time I played charades with Fran Lebowitz.”

Episode 12 Alexis: “I know that we just met but if Prince Harry trusted me with his life, then I think you can too.”

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Season 3

Episode 6 Moira: “John and I used to attend Eyes Wide Shut parties at the Castros’. Though… I’m guessing your evening’s activities might be somewhat different.”

Alexis: “I can’t go to college, yet. Because I didn’t finish high school.” Ted: “Oh.” Alexis: “I know. It’s so embarrassing, and I never should’ve taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.”

Episode 7 Jocelyn: “So here’s the thing about Marie Antoinette. Even though I love to eat cake, I think I’d be pretty annoyed with her myself. I do see your hand up Alexis, it’s just that you probably haven’t had a chance to catch up.” Alexis: “Okay, it’s just that she never actually said “let them eat cake.”” Jocelyn: “Um well, that depends on who you ask.” Alexis: “Hmm, well, I asked Kirsten Dunst, who played her in the movie. Um, that line was actually written years before Marie Antoinette allegedly said it. And um, Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs.” Jocelyn: “Thank you for that contribution to the discussion, now…” Alexis: “My friends used to call me Marie, and that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole like, is she gonna be a princess thing, um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just like, partying too hard.”

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Alexis: “I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson. Or like, she stole it from me, and then I stole it back.”

Season 4

Episode 3 Moira: “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose benefit for juvenile rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.”

David: “You didn’t even play Patty, though.” Moira: “You know I did! The night Patricia LuPone ate that pre-show shawarma, and I was asked to step in. I’ve always wanted to reprise the role.”

Episode 5 Moira: “This is not… not how I imagined my resurrection news to break! ‘Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of Podunk motel.’ No, that’s not the headline!” Stevie: “Okay, well I actually own this Podunk motel, and I don’t know what choice you have.” Moira: “Well, we have to think of something. After all my fans have endured? No, I can’t let them see me like this. It would kill Sir Tony Geary.”

Episode 7 Alexis: “I used to text Zac Efron just, like, a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. 
Poor thing would be, like, buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.”

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Episode 8 Alexis: “Ted can’t know about this, David. Miguel’s the only other vet in town, and they have this, like, dumb rivalry.” David: “When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all three Hanson brothers.”

Episode 11 Moira: “There was that summer that Jimmy Smits stole my heart onstage in a workshop-only production of Officer and a Gentleman. I suppose that might be called emotional embezzlement.”

Christmas Special Patrick: “Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party?” David: “Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I’d burned that bridge in Ibiza.”

Johnny: “You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays. Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy’s Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria’s. How ’bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?” Moira: “I heard Peter Fundraiser! Bogdanovich loved a mink.”

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Season 5

Episode 1 Patrick: “Why would he agree do this when he’s afraid of heights?” Alexi: “He’s not afraid of heights, he’s afraid of moths and butterflies.” Ted: “And businesswomen in sneakers.” Patrick: “And also heights, something to do with him being broken up with while he was…” Alexis: “Parasailing in the Seychelles! He and Anderson Cooper were stuck up there for like, three hours, until the wind died down!”

Episode 2 Alexis: “I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you!” Twyla: “We’re not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but um maybe I could take that bracelet?” Alexis: “Yes! Um, I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.”

Episode 3 Alexis: “Um did I leave a Q-tip in or did you just tell me that you guys are getting an apartment together?” David: “We’re just going to look.” Alexis: “Yeah and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.”

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Episode 6 Moira: “Oh I’m not above a naughty night of debauchery. When Condi Rice and Sharon Stone and I used to make our annual casino sojourn to Ho Chi Minh City… well lets just say toi khong bao gio thua.”

David: “I think it’s important for Patrick to experience other people in order to realize how good he has it with me.” Alexis: “What if he doesn’t come to that realization? Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I’d send them off with someone who, like, wasn’t a threat, like Pippa Middleton or Rihanna.”

Alexis: “This is why you have ground rules, David. Josh Groban has a thick leather-bound binder full of them.”

Moira: “I’m thinking of a particular night in Monaco with Maggie Trudeau and The Rolling Stones.” Jocelyn: “You rocked out with the Stones?” Moira: “All except Charlie but every party has a pooper.”

Episode 7 Ted: “That was fun but maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying.” Alexis: “Okay fine but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure.”

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Episode 9 Alexis: “If this is anything like my first day with the Pussycat Dolls, it’ll be a couple of hours of Kegels, and then an afternoon of cheeky Bellinis.” Stevie: “It’s just a lot of pressure.” Alexis: “Don’t even worry about it. I got your back today, girl. Just like Nicole Scherzinger did for me.”

Episode 12 David: “When she was coaching me for the Little Mister pageant I made the mistake of going to Mario Lopez for advice. He was hosting at the time.”

Alexis: “What about long distance? I once maintained a successful, semi-committed, text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was shooting Pearl Harbour.”

Season 6

Episode 1 Johnny: “Does this not remind you of the wellness retreat we went to in Evian right after Alexis ended things with Sean Penn?”

Moira: “I’ve never been more lucid and I’m including that Peruvian ayahuasca retreat we embarked upon with Al and Tipper.”

David: “You mixed up the day and the month on your ticket again, didn’t you?” Alexis: “No. No!” David: “Like that time you showed up to Kate Winslet’s wedding a month late.” Alexis: “The calligraphy was hard to read and Billy Zane also did the same thing, David!”

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Episode 2 Moira: “We have our very own digital soapbox here. It reminds me of the Nickelodeon pilot I did in which Ashley Tisdale and I played suffragettes. You remember, You Go, Girl.”

Episode 4

Alexis: “Think of all the people on the planet who find someone. Somehow you’re one of those people.” David: “I don’t know how to take that.” Alexis: “I mean you didn’t end up marrying JC Chasez or Jenna Elfman but I actually kind of feel like Patrick’s the best of both of them.”

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Alexis: “Imagine what I can do with your bachelor party, David. Diplo still sends me nudes.”

Stevie: “I’m starting to realize that there’s a lot more to this job than I thought.” Alexis: “Tell me about it. I once planned Megan Fox’s bachelorette on this tiny island off the coast of Montenegro where nothing is illegal. Like, nothing.”

Episode 8

Alexis: “You’re starting to sound like me trying to end things with B-Rok on the Backstreet Boys Millennium Tour.”

Alexis: “What now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? Because I did that with Harry Styles in England, and it was, like, too rainy.”

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