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About Last Night…
【📂】 summary: every time you drink with choi seungcheol, you ask the same question—“what do you think of me?”—and every time, he laughs it off with a smile and calls you his precious friend. you pretend it doesn’t hurt. but after one blurry night that you can’t quite remember, everything starts to shift. he looks at you differently. lingers longer. and maybe, just maybe, he’s been waiting for you to ask him the same question—sober. 【🖇️】 pairing: oblivious!seungcheol x flustered!reader. 【💿】 genre: friends to lovers, slow burn, FLUFF (with emotional tension). 【🧺】 tags: mutual pining; drinking; drunken confessions; drunken kiss; teasing; soft angst; idiots in love; DIMPLES; (slight) jealousy. 【📦】 w/c: 2.4k+
📬 — author’s note ！i wrote this back in 2022 (11.05) and i'm FINALLY releasing it. °՞(ᗒ╭╮ᗕ)՞°
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“earth to (y/n)~”
you were staring again.
“if you stare any harder, he might catch on fire.”
hands cupped around your face, elbows resting on the cafeteria table, gaze glued to the boy sitting across from you.
“is this some kind of psychic courtship ritual?”
choi seungcheol.
your crush. your classmate. your friend. the worst combination of all three.
he was lazily spinning his drink bottle between his hands, distracted, and completely unaware that your brain was currently running a highlight reel of all the ways you had accidentally—but very much wholeheartedly—fallen in love with him.
he was good at everything: basketball, speeches, essays, leading your class like it was second nature. he was sharp, reliable, annoyingly handsome, and then, to balance it all out, he also whined like a toddler when he was hungry and sulked when someone beat him at cards.
he was so full of contradictions, so good at getting under your skin, and so stupidly oblivious to your feelings.
... or maybe he wasn’t. maybe he knew. but if he did, he sure as hell never acted on it.
“i swear, the way you look at him... if he doesn’t get the hint soon, i will start drawing hearts in his notebook for you.”
“shht–! don’t jinx it, jeonghan!”
jeonghan’s words finally pulled you out of your trance.
you blinked, cheeks warming, and sat up straighter.
he chuckled, shaking his head like he couldn’t believe you, then let out a long, dramatic sigh. “why do i feel like i’m the third wheel here?”
you always picked him first for group projects. always sat beside him at lunch.
always ended up next to him during class outings, festivals, dinners, parties.
it wasn’t even a conscious choice anymore. it just happened.
people had started teasing you about it. you always brushed it off with a laugh—blaming familiarity, comfort, convenience. anything but the truth.
but the truth followed you anyway—especially when you drank.
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your hangout tradition with seungcheol was sacred. casual, cozy, and dangerously routine. cheap drinks, shared snacks, music humming low in the background, conversations that dipped in and out of serious and silly.
and every time you drank together, the same thing happened.
“cheol,” you slurred, cheeks warm, breath just a little too quick, “what do you think of me? do you... have feelings for me?”
you always asked that question. like clockwork.
and he always answered the same way. voice syrupy-sweet, tipsy grin stretching across his face.
“my (y/n)-ieee~ you’re a very precious friend of mine. i like you sooo much. my friend~ hehe.”
you wanted to scream.
friend. precious, sure. but friend.
you groaned, dropping your head onto the table. he flashed you those dimples — his signature, unfair, heart-ruining dimples.
those damn dimples. i should’ve brought shades so i wouldn’t have to see them, you thought, bitter and foggy.
“ugh. again?” jeonghan’s voice filtered in, dry and unsurprised.
he dropped into the seat beside you with all the ease of someone flipping open a well-worn book. he didn’t even bother pretending to be surprised anymore.
“jeonghaaan,” you mumbled, half-whine, half-sob. “i’m losing my mind…”
“you’re losing your liver first,” he said, plucking the drink from your hand like a babysitter. “and for what? the same damn heartbreak on loop?”
“well. i’m not gonna argue with a drunk person,” he added, patting your head like a tired cat. “but honestly, (y/n)... you do this every time.”
you turned your face slightly to glare up at him with bleary eyes. “’s not like i plan it…”
“but you do it,” he said, gently. “like muscle memory.”
you blinked slowly, words swimming. “maybe if he knew… maybe… maybe then…”
“what? he’d suddenly realize he loves you back?” jeonghan asked, not unkindly.
you winced. “that’s mean…”
“it’s honest,” he said. “and i’m saying it now while you’re too drunk to remember how mad it made you.”
you opened your mouth to argue, but the door opened.
familiar laughter. light, effortless.
your body stiffened. even drunk, even dulled, your senses still caught her the way a wound catches salt.
“uh-oh,” jeonghan muttered under his breath, sipping his drink like it was tea. “she’s here.”
younghee.
seungcheol’s childhood friend. the other person he was close to—so close it made something in your chest twist.
she breezed in like she owned the air around her, sliding into the seat beside him as if it were hers. her arm looped around his like it belonged there. her head rested easily on his shoulder.
he didn’t flinch. didn’t move away. just smiled—those dimples again—and let her stay.
your stomach twisted.
you told yourself it was fine. they were practically siblings. they'd known each other forever.
but she didn’t act like a sibling.
she touched him like it meant something. whispered things that made him laugh. she always knew where to stand, where to lean, how to fold herself into his space.
and the worst part? he let her.
he looked happy.
and it made you feel ridiculous. childish. petty.
but the jealousy still bubbled up anyway, thick and sour.
jeonghan followed your gaze, then sighed like this was his personal soap opera. “you really know how to pick a time for your breakdowns.”
“sh-she’s… so close,” you muttered, slumping further down into the table, as if it might swallow you whole.
“they grew up together,” jeonghan reminded you gently. “she’s always like that with him. it doesn’t mean—”
“i know,” you said, too quickly. too loud.
you winced at yourself, then tightened your grip on the edge of the table. “i know that. but…”
but you hated how easy it was for her. how she never had to wonder what she meant to him. how she wasn’t you.
“i feel like a joke,” you whispered.
jeonghan didn’t respond. didn’t need to. he just stayed beside you, one hand resting on your back. steady. quiet. there.
and across the table, seungcheol smiled like nothing had changed.
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jeonghan spotted you the moment he walked into the bar.
he didn’t even try to hold it in.
“oh, no way,” he laughed, loud enough for three tables to turn. “you’re actually wearing them.”
you didn’t look up. just raised your drink and sipped like nothing was out of the ordinary.
he slid into the booth across from you, eyes gleaming. “indoors, (y/n)? really? in public?”
“i’m committed,” you said coolly, pushing your sunglasses higher up the bridge of your nose.
“to being a menace?”
“to my healing.”
he snorted. “sure. healing from what? weaponized dimples?”
you didn’t respond—mostly because he was absolutely right.
and then, like fate had a sense of humor, seungcheol arrived. he placed his drink on the table, looked between the two of you, and paused.
“(y/n)... why are you wearing sunglasses? we’re indoors.”
you didn’t flinch. didn’t even blink. you simply pushed the frames higher up the bridge of your nose, silent.
he blinked at you, waiting.
you stared straight ahead, lips pressed into a flat line.
i shall never see those dimples of his ever again, you thought firmly. they’re simply too dangerous. i can’t take any chances. i might fall for him again… and again… and again.
he tilted his head, a lazy smile tugging at his lips. “you seriously not gonna answer?”
“they’re prescription,” you said flatly.
“prescription sunglasses?”
you shrugged. “light sensitivity.”
jeonghan snorted so loudly he nearly choked on his own spit. you kicked him under the table. he doubled over, wheezing.
“worth it,” he coughed, wiping a fake tear from his eye. “you’re so dramatic. god, it’s inspiring.”
seungcheol just laughed, flicking your forehead. “you’re unbelievable.”
“i’m a survivor,” you muttered. “barely.”
and like every other night before this one, you sank back into the comfort of routine.
still too scared to shatter it.
still too scared to see what might be waiting if you did.
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you cursed jeonghan silently as you stared at your phone.
jeonghan🍻: hey, i’m gonna have to bail tonight. not feeling great. sorry, (y/n).
you frowned but said nothing.
across the table, seungcheol picked up his phone, unlocking it without thinking. the group chat was open.
he cleared his throat and read aloud, amused: “‘guys, seriously sick. gonna crash early. no hangout for me.’”
you glanced at the screen just as seungcheol scrolled. the next messages appeared:
seungcheol🍒: dude, you ok? feel better soon. jeonghan🍻: thanks man. (y/n), you owe me one ;)
jeonghan always hated missing your hangouts—but he hated your tortured heart even more.
and you were certain: he bailed tonight on purpose.
to give you space. to give you a sign. to push you, silently, toward the confession you kept holding back.
you rolled your eyes, lips twitching at the thought of his sneaky little plan.
seungcheol looked up, flashing that lazy smile, dimples and all.
“guess it’s just us then.”
you nodded, heart thudding, knowing tonight wouldn’t be like any other night before.
a few drinks in, you settled into the booth beside him, closer than usual. your knees brushed under the table, a quiet spark passing between you. your hand hovered near his, fingers twitching, until your pinky grazed his. once. twice.
on the third touch, your finger lingered.
his eyes found yours—steady, patient. you held his gaze.
“i think i’m gonna kiss you,” you breathed, voice barely louder than the music.
his breath caught too.
no laughter. no teasing. only a quiet, “then do it.”
your lips met clumsily, soft and short. a spark ignited—something crackled beneath your skin.
your heartbeat thundered in your ears.
instead of pulling away, your eyelids grew heavy. your head tilted, settling gently against seungcheol’s shoulder.
he let out a faint chuckle, warm and quiet, as you slowly slipped into sleep.
his fingers found yours under the table, squeezing softly, like he didn’t want to disturb the fragile moment.
“sleep tight, (y/n),” he whispered.
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you woke up the next morning with a pounding headache and one vivid flash burning behind your eyelids—the kiss.
your phone buzzed sharply against the table.
seungcheol🍒: we’re still on tonight, right? usual spot.
you stared at the screen, heart pounding. panic bloomed in your chest.
was it real? or just a drunken dream?
“ughhh,” you groaned, running a hand through your hair. “why don’t i remember?! this can’t be happening!”
you promised yourself you’d stay sober.
but one drink turned into two. the two became three. and somewhere in the blur of warm lights and soft laughter, you asked again, voice barely steady: “cheol… what do you think of me?”
he tilted his head, eyes amused but serious. “you always ask me that.”
you blinked, confused. “what?”
“every time we drink,” he said, voice low. “you ask me that question.”
your heart skipped a beat. “and you always say the same thing.”
he smiled, but it was small. almost sad. “do i?”
you stared at him, desperate. “cheol…”
then a flicker of mischief crossed his face—a smirk just barely there—and you pointed at him, eyes wide. “YAH—CHOI SEUNGCHEOL!! you remember something, don’t you?!”
“maybe.”
you rolled your eyes. “i hate you.”
“no, you don’t.”
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you were already seated when he walked in—library quiet, sun warm across your table. he waved at you, dropped his bag into the chair across from yours, and settled in like it was routine. like this was just another afternoon.
his phone buzzed.
he glanced down, smiled faintly, and picked it up. “hey, younghee. yeah, no, i can’t today. rain check?”
a pause.
“mhm. okay. take care, kid.”
he hung up, set his phone down, and turned back to you.
your expression must’ve betrayed you—because something in his eyes changed. softened. sharpened. knowing.
“what?” he asked.
you shook your head. “nothing.”
he tilted his head. “you’ve always been weird about her.”
“i’m not—”
“you are,” he said, without judgment. “and it’s okay.”
you stayed quiet, unsure if denying it again would make it worse.
“she’s like family to me,” he continued. “like a little sister. not someone i’ve ever liked like that. not even close.”
your breath stalled.
“but you…” he looked at you then, really looked. “you’re not like that.”
you blinked.
“just wanted you to know,” he said softly. “i figured maybe that’s something you needed to hear before anything else.”
the warmth in your chest spread slowly.
quiet. certain.
you nodded. “thank you.”
he smiled.
“now,” he said, leaning back, “wasn’t there something you wanted to ask me?”
and so you did. “cheol?”
“yeah?”
you took a breath. “what do you think of me?”
he set his pen down. leaned back. looked at you fully. “don’t ask me again unless you want the truth.”
your heart skipped. “…i do.”
his smile was soft, almost shy—but it didn’t waver. “then here it is: i’ve been falling for you for a long time.”
your fingers trembled slightly on the table, still curled around your iced coffee. your heartbeat was wild in your chest.
he wasn’t teasing. wasn’t hiding behind dimples or laughter.
just him.
and his answer.
“you’re not drunk, right?” you whispered.
“not even a sip.”
you nodded slowly. “good.”
“you okay?” he asked.
“yeah.” you let out a shaky smile. “just... kinda hard to believe i’m not imagining this.”
his hand brushed over yours, warm and steady. “you’re not imagining it.”
you laughed under your breath. “can i say something embarrassing?”
“please do.”
“i’ve liked you for so long it stopped feeling like a crush. it was just... you. always you. all the time. everywhere.”
his grip tightened gently. “you think that’s embarrassing?”
you looked up. “it’s not?”
“(y/n)...” he leaned in. “i’ve been waiting for you to ask me sober.”
you blinked.
he smiled. “you asked so many times when you were tipsy. i wanted to answer differently. but i didn’t want you to forget.”
“i’m not gonna forget this time,” you said, voice steady.
“good.”
and then—finally—he kissed you.
not clumsy. not rushed. not a maybe.
his lips found yours with quiet certainty. it was soft, slow, but deepened like gravity had always been pulling you toward this moment.
your fingers curled into the sleeve of his hoodie. his hand cupped the back of your neck.
and when he pulled back, just barely, his voice dropped: “no more pretending, okay?”
you smiled.
“okay.”
- fin.
[...epilogue]
#acrosstheujiverse#one shots#seventeen#svt#svt x reader#seventeen fluff#au#seungcheol#seungcheol x reader#scoups#scoups x reader#svt scoups#seventeen scoups#scoups x you#scoups imagines#choi seungcheol#scoups fluff#mutual pining#Spotify
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the barista at my local coffee shop told me that he’d remember my name and I thought he meant that as in I wouldn’t have to give it for my order anymore, but what he actually meant was he’d address me by name and wave hello every time I came in which I find fascinating. I’m officially a regular.
#it’s been several times now and so far I’m the only one each time I’m there#did I do something in particular to be memorable#is it the reusable cup and mask combo#did I succeed in coming off as nice and friendly for once#or did I do something offensive and it’s a code to give me decaf lmao#my brain will think the worst of anything and everything
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how do people do multiple things a day that's crazy
#my one thing today was looking pretty and i'm so tired now#looked good stared at myself through the mirror and thought about . various charcters and now i need to eep#i . am not built for anything i don't think#can't even cook either i'd make theeee worst housewife#can only serve Face and play video games do you still love me#no but srsly everything seems to fry my brain so fast i'm sorry i'm not asnwering asks and posting actual Stuff#i am trying to get there again.. slowly but surely#mayor of loserville
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Every year is a new competition for worst year of my life. And 21 is WINNINGGGGGG 🤩
#gets random chronic illness 1 day after my birthday. loses 15 pounds in 3 weeks. takes weeks off school to go to the hospital.#everything comes back normal. i get the worst period and worst migraine of my life. <- almost called ambulance on myself.#lowkey failing all my classes. cant go outside. cant eat anything i enjoy. brain functioning poorly. grandma in the ICU. tried to go outsid#today and almost threw up in a store. and i think my new meds are making me SUICIDAL. 🙂↕️#AND THEY ARENT EVEN WORKING. and no doctors can see me again for MONTHS.#which means i cant work. so i dont have money to pay my rent. and also in general i just feel like a failure snd like my parents are mad at#meeeeee#ok thats all bye
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Knocking them over and watching them scramble to get up with those big ass heads
#kelperambles#captainshipping#tw eyestrain#eye strain#the captainshipping brainrot is so bad right now oh my god it’s like something wormed into my brain and started destroying everything#to constantly think about them but not have enough time to draw them. torture.#Nintendo yaoi is what could save me.#the last time I tried to draw Captainshipping I drew ONE (1!!!!) line on Falcon’s chin and went ‘ok that’s pretty good. I should lay down’#AND THEN I FELL ASLEEP FOR 5 HOURS#wiping a tear from my eyes as I look at captainshipping photo album on my phone before bed#life is beautiful#I love drawing them and just looking back at my art months later and thinking ‘dude I actually killed it. this is everything I ever wanted’#because it’s true!!! It’s exactly what I want to see because it came from ME?!? CRAZY IDEA.#I imagine their dynamic as something genuinely so sweet. hopefully I can articulate it well enough here#Like from subspace emissary you can already see how Falcon (quite literally) pushes Olimar to try new things and be more adventurous#(even if Olimar doesn’t need it after his time on PNF-404 LMAOO)#and Olimar encourages Falcon to slow down and live in the moment#plus. between the two Olimar definitely talks the most about nearly anything and everything#EXCEPT for his true feelings because if there’s one thing he’s good at. it’s bottling his emotions until he explodes in the worst crash out#But falcon is observant and provides Olimar the space he needs to vent any issues#even if Olimar thinks they’re probably insignificant in the face of CAPTAIN FALCON of all people#like dude…the infamous bounty hunter and rich award winning F-Zero racer? CRAZY.#Falcon doesn’t mind though. He cares about Olimar and genuinely wants to listen.#if its about financial issues he could definitely help but olimar adamantly refuses#Olimar doesn’t want to ‘take advantage’ of his relationship with Falcon and he’s always been super self-reliant so it’s hard to adjust#and guess what. Falcon could care less. he has too much money to count and would probably spend it on another custom racetrack#istg he’s so obsessed with racing I wouldn’t be surprised if he LIVED in the blue falcon instead of getting a place to stay#Olimar and Falcon are opposites attract taken to the extreme dude I love it so much#and consider the tropes????? LIKE DUDE FALCON IS LITERALLY GETTING HUNTED DOWN BY VILLAINS IMAGINE IF THEY FOUND OUT ABT OLIMAR#AND THE HELMET. THEYLL NEVER BE ABLE TO KISS AND ITS SO GOOD I EAT IT UP!!! FOREVER YEARNING LONGING REALNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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i don’t understand ppl who leave their packing, until the last minute. i am already packing and i don’t go anywhere for over a week, imao
#*walter white voice* jesse we need to pack#imao i’m watching brba and thinking about packing at 2am#i actually haven’t started packing but i’m gonna pack all my clothes and just leave everything else until the day before#bc a lot of stuff i still need in the meantime#i also need to put pins on my jacket but that’s a separate thing that i keep forgetting to do#bc i think a lot of my best pins would be better on my jacket#i actually need to work out which clothes i’m wearing#like which ones to pack and which ones i’m wearing on the drive#i’m planning on probably just wearing sweats and a regular ass shirt#and i’ll dress up when i’m actually there#and i gotta make sure i have my meds all sorted#and i need to make sure i don’t forget anything and that i keep everything safe#this post is kinda just me talking to myself imao#but honestly they usually are#okay but like someone tell me to not to pack at 2am bc i can literally do it tomorrow during the day but my brain is like ‘pack now!!’#bc i have it stuck in my head#imao i’m also only going for three days but travelling is a whole thing with me#leaving the house in general is a whole thing with me#what may seem like nothing to some people is a huge deal to me#like wow you’re going on vacation for three days? so what?#but this is only the second time i’ve done this#and the longest i’ll have been away from home aside from when i was in the hospital#so yeah it’s a big deal#the worst part is the travel tho#when i’m actually there i’ll have a fun time bc i did last time#well kinda i also got homesick and was in the middle of a depressive episode but i digress#but this time i’m not! so go me!#gwen actually leaves the house and feels good about it for once!#gwen rambles#gwenposting
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I have like mental spellcheck but it's just a mean SJW from 2015 Tumblr who helpfully tells me whenever anything I've ever said thought or reblogged could possibly in any way be construed as "problematic"
#don't pathologize this#i just hate to be misunderstood more than anything amd unfortunately i got my brain cooked in the 'your fave is problematic era' where we#were all deliberately misunderstanding each other and reading everything in thr worst possible light trying to be as non-problematic#as possible#everyone used to be so fucking mean on here. me included.#and now i can't think about like. setting a story in england without 2015!me being like 'why are you erasing historically disenfranchised#cultures by writing about a nation of global hegemony just say you hate indigenous people and kys'#which like. girl hello. are you okay.#and now she's saying 'why did you use indigenous people for that example are you trying to imply something why was that your go-to#check yourself'#anyway lmao. i do think tumblr gave me complicated psychological damage.#nothing diagnosable because it doesnt usually interfere with my life or cause me undue distress but god damn
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#feels like I've been running in crisis mode for. several years at this point#and I would very much like it to stop.#I'm so. tired.#and I can't do anything right.#I just. would really like to be okay#not just someday but /now/#ash.txt#I've never done well with being bad at things and now I'm consistently the worst at everything all of the time and I just#I just need someone to fix my brain and fix my life I think#a lobotomy would be. fucking swell actually
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...You know. For all my years on this planet, I don't think I've ever turned to day drinking. I think that. Might be about to change.
#I think it's impossible for me to get truly smashed (if a shit-ton of absinthe won't do it I doubt anything will) but maybe I can...#Idk feel something else. Forget I have...everything. I'm NOT gonna make a habit of doing this. And no one should follow my example.#I just. Don't know what to do. I need to get away from my brain but I can't because it's inside me.#tw: alcohol#Oh God I'm not 23 anymore I will probably have the WORST hangover tomorrow but. Again. I need an escape. ANY escape.#And I have tried EVERY other strategy in my arsenal#That sentence doesn't make sense. Pretend it did.#In the Vents#I have felt SICK this past week and. Well I think it would be better if I actually DID have the flu or#Food poisoning or laryngitis or something. Jfc this is bad. It hasn't been this bad in years.
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kind of want to start transitioning into a more cleancut "adult" vibe to ... if not my bedroom then at least my deskspace in the rec room. it's just difficult because the kids in the system and Sunny love childish decor (and I do too tbh fdsjkl) but it is just so visually cluttered and I think I will feel a bit better and less scattered and overwhelmed if there is less visual clutter. autism moment LMAO.
#also irl friend's comment about my bedroom looking like a childhood bedroom is still bugging me a little bit fdsjkl#and she knows now why it looks so childish. there are children in the brain LOL they feel safer if it looks more kid-friendly#but i am just losing my mind slowly bc i literally put up Any and All decor that i have#i stick things on the walls simply bc i have them. i think i want to be more purposeful with it now#esp bc i have money to use to choose my belongings with more care and freedom!#but also i worry if i get rid of anything then it'll just end up in the landfill.... but i know i am in danger of becoming a hoarder#it runs in the family fdsjkl my dad's dad is very much a hoarder unfortunately#why is my family all so fucked up 😭 i've got the worst genetics i swear to god fsdjkl#anyways. i need to think on this. looking at pinterest rn for some motivation to keep cleaning FHSDJKL#and i am seeing some rly nice decorating ideas that are a bit cleaner and more grown-up and ... it looks so nice sdfjkl#i would like my space to Feel clean when it's clean. rather than just... physically tidy. i want the vibes to also feel clean!!#idk how to explain it fdskl everything just feels cluttered even when it's been freshly organized and cleaned#i've always considered myself a ''maximalist'' in terms of decorating but now i just. want things to be clean 😭😭😭#i'm tired of dust and tired of having issues cleaning bc theres too much stuff to move etc etc etc#i think i want to only have an excess of craft/art supplies and clothing. everything else does not rly bring me joy methinks#i love clothes and fashion and upcycling w that stuff and i love making art!!! so i think i will try to focus on those w my belongings#damn i rly am spring cleaning huh LOL#🐑🌻
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I need to clean my room now. It is dire.
#im so embarrassed it looks like shit over here#i cleaned the kitchen bc my ex was picking up stuff but i KNOW she saw my room#what a fucking shitshow#that box of her things is gone now all ive got left is a handful of rose petals and a second hand coffee maker#and a flannel#all that for a quick 2 monthish relationship#i deeply regret rushing into things but I have poor judgement so.#heres to ruining everything good thats ever happened to me via my own choices 🍻 free will baby#I'm so mad right now even though i shouldn't be#the text thing really got to me idk if things can be ok#like yeah turns out when you hear all your fears verbalized insultingly by another person instead of just in your brain it hits harder??#Just felt like a line was being crossed#anyway#when you spill your guts to another person i guess you gotta expect to have shit flung back at you in the worst possible moment#I suck at keeping my mouth shut that's what happens when you stop journaling#you want to actually confide in others#And don't think I don't know that thats what im doing now#online!!#im unbelievably tired of it all#i wasn't built for this kind of life#ive got no friends. my job doesn’t pay me enough to live. ive got no will to feed myself. etc etc etc#worst of all i have to live with myself#because God knows i can't do anything about it#vile-wizard.txt
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girl who tries to ignore everything in her life as much as she can and practices self care by self-isolating and staying up late by consuming media until their eyes involuntarily shut: omg whyyyy am i sick what’d i do to deserve thissss
#have headache also am sick also am worrying about classes even though i’m busting my ass this year#also in my general not good + stressed headspace n the worst part about it is i have a headache#i can take what life throws at me sometimes but the minute i get sick or have any type of physical issue i’m out#i wanna watch video i wanna listen to music i wanna watch movie i wanna read book#i wanna do anything and everything that helps me not to think but not only does my brain feel like shit SO DOES MY BODY!!!#every couple of months or so i realize i cope by not coping and using media as a way to drown myself out i am media machine i am#also nothing and then i go back to playing my music or watching my movies#also no medicine i take is working not even tylenol so yea it’s over#my text
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Feel so horrendously awful over the tiniest little things that may not even be things at all. All the fucking time. My brain will just be playing them on repeat for hours every single evening. On days where literally nothing happened at all that felt bad at the time my brain will somehow still be able to pull out something to feel terrible over. No amount of thinking about it logically and telling myself it's fine makes it better. I can't distract myself. I just spend my whole evening and night thinking about the same things over and over and feeling so horrible about them that I feel physically ill
#it's so crazy cause I'll feel mostly fine all day#and then a little while after getting home from work it's like a switch flips and I start feeling Bad#and this pretty much only happens over stuff that happens at work#I'm just so tired of feeling like this#it's so stupid! most of the time it's stuff that probably no one noticed or took issue with or that I maybe didn't even do wrong#at worst it may have been a small mistake that anyone would get over really quickly#but still my brain insists on spending hours feeling terrible over it#and it's not like they're negative thought spirals that I can try to rewire or anything#because logically I know that it's fine. I can think logically. but I still FEEL bad#it's not actual thoughts. it's just this general feeling of doom#I don't even know how to explain it. I tried explaining it to my therapist and she didn't even get it lmao#it's like the way I think and the way I feel are completely separate and don't really impact each other#which makes no sense because then where the fuck are the feelings coming from?#but yeah it's just always like that#like I Know everything is fine but I still need to pull out my guts and tie them up like a balloon animal#I Know I made a mistake so tiny it isn't even an issue and also nobody noticed but I still need to walk into the ocean and disappear forever#I can't even put how I feel into words because I don't think/feel in words. It's just this sense that everything is Bad and I'm Wrong#idfk man#why is this literally the worst part of my job like#it's so dumb!#I want to spend my evening relaxing and doing something I enjoy but instead I feel so horrible#over nothing at all!#even if I don't have a specific thing to fixate on I still just have this feeling#and I literally can not focus on anything other than this feeling of wrongness#realising I should have written this in a notebook instead of on tumblr. that's my bad sorry guys#personal#vent
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only partially related to everything else i’ve already said but so many stereotypical safe foods freak me out just a little bit like i do enjoy a vast majority of them but not just from anywhere they need to be from trusted locations
#chicken nuggets are so much more dangerous than people think they are#i’m so serious i cannot trust them from most sources#i gambled on some the other day and almost threw up at the table after biting into some cartilage#and as a person who’s ehhhhh on tomato sauce and fucking hates ketchup i’m picky about pizza#lots of mediocre to bad pizza is so tomato sauce heavy and it’s always shitty sweet tomato sauce which is THE WORST KIND#and fuck all spaghetti but especially the bad kind#also anything savory with a smooth texture freaks me out i’m sorry#i don’t understand when someone needs all the chunks picked out of a sauce. the chunks make it salvageable#i’m more comfortable with nice little sliced chunks of veg or like minced meat in there#it has to be a lot too if they’re too spaced out they’re still gross to me#if i Do have autism i think it might be the evil kind#i’ve also never encountered a towel that was so unpleasant to touch that i committed it to memory#it seems like such a common neurodivergent thing to be like ‘ugh MICROFIBER am i right’ and i cannot relate#i’m fairly confident i’ve faced off against microfiber in my life before and thought nothing of it#oh also i don’t like ambient light it makes my brain feel sluggish and muddy. big light all the way#i can’t relate to neurodivergents who hate the big light. the big light is like a brother to me#idk what it is when everything is just slightly lit up but still dim it feels all wrong#if it starts giving me a headache i just sit in the dark until im ready for big light again#what do i make of all this
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I was doing so well like avoiding getting overwhelmed by us politics news but my evil brain was like scroll through the tag on tumblr and well now I'm stressed even more tf out than my baseline has been since Monday oh like I just hate all this bullshit like it's all so blatantly stupid and evil and I just can't comprehend people doing this and agreeing with it
#like I know logic can't be applied to this like it's just the worst but Jesus Christ I hate it here#I just have to keep telling myself that there are still good people who are gonna fight everything and that it's going to be okay#just repeating that while I rock back and forth in a ball#and my dumbass us history girlie is just so infuriated in the just complete lack of just any care for anything#spiraling a bit rn#I think cause it's the middle of the night and it's just becoming a lot#I'm so good at not looking at news and have been since 2016 but the demon brain#I'm fine I guess I just hate that the stupidest most evil people are in charge and so gd loud like stfu everyone hates you
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