#mymatthew

[strangemachine]

i ❤️ my matthew #mymatthew

[dearmattheww]

- kindness + respect = love

"Your music isn't sad. I feel like I can feel it softly playing in my chest. Like I could zone out but still realise it's there. "

I'm still learning that I deserve to be treated

With kindness and respect.

To me, love meant someone staying around,

Because I lost so many people when I was young.

Kindness and respect is love.

And now that I've met you,

And nothing has even happened,

I can feel your warmth and kindness and respect,

Like a weight,

Softly playing in my chest.

[hovelville]

#mymatthew

[christinith-blog-blog]

You mean everything to me <3

[vagazzledpandas]

A letter he will never see, but continue to write.

I'm unfortunately a shadow of myself these days. I was speaking to an... Old friend recently, honestly one of the scarce friends of mine remaining.. And he reveled that he once wanted to propose to me.. He's in love with me. For beautiful reasons. You see, my entire life I've searched for the man who will look at me, like I'm his setting sun. I want to be the sunflower, that he will surely nickname me, because it's my favorite flower.. And it's the only nickname that I can stand to hear that stems from you. You were the first one to utter it, your little baby sunflower. With dreams of sour patch children. I was watching movies last night, snuggled into his side... Things haven't been all that bad lately. And I say that with the utmost trepidation.. Because I never know when things are about to go south, but. I was tucked into his side and I started to drift off to sleep.. I, almost instinctfuly, looked up at him.. To say "I love you buggy".. But caught myself last minute. His much deeper timber answered "I love you too boogiegirl" it surprised me.. I expected dark, almost black floppy hair, blue eyes, pale skin.. That tans easily just like mine, and the faint blush that always graced your cheeks.. Especially if you were angry, or passionate about something.. Or after that time you played football with your buddies and you decided to quit smoking because you felt so out of shape.. And old.. God. We're getting so old.. and the cutest little nose couldn't forget that. I really am surprised, and coming down from the shock of you not being in my life. I really did love you, and I will continue to do so until I die. I realize a lot of things, my mistakes.. And yours. This is making me a better person certainly. I've always fought as hard as I could, did anything possible to avoid letting my heart ache. But this is different, this is heart break. True and real, long time suffering heart break. And though, my entire being aches for you, my heart dies for you.. My senses scream for you. I can not bring myself to say that I made a mistake in ending us. In the way I did it? I will regret for the rest of my days, that's my baggage. I was a horrible person to you. I think I'd give almost anything to be able to make it up to you. I will tell you this, we were perfect for one another.. In almost every way. And if life had dealt us a bit of a different hand, and perhaps we had a few less of the mannerisms that we have, mine being picky, easily annoyed, bitchy, selfish. Etc. Than I think there would've been no stopping our love. Absolutely nothing. But the truth is, regardless of anything I've ever said before.. I love who you are, what you are, and where you're going. Whether that's to a fate with me or not, because to me you're beautiful. No one ever understood you. But I did, Now I'm the girl no one understands. I want you to know, that regardless of what you do, to me, to yourself, or with your life.. I will love you with all of mine.

[dearmattheww]

- you sound different

it feels like hearing an old story

its so comforting and familiar,

and when I was a child I reached for it often,

but its not what i want to read anymore.

its still so good to hear from you.

its nice to know that after all this time,

you still think im a good person.

[dearmattheww]

- things to be proud of

i said goodbye

i set up a new home

i was brave

i pushed myself

i met new people

i did new things

i experienced heart break so excruciating i ricocheted for months

i patched my heart with clay

i moved on

and after all that

i still have hope

[dearmattheww]

- life is too short to spend it holding on

It's taken me a really long time to realise this.

I've spent all my life living honestly and loudly

that maybe I couldn't hear the quieter voices around me.

I felt like letting things go would make me weak,

And being completely open would make me strong.

After all, nobody can hurt you if all your secrets are out.

But now I'm seeing the damage I'm creating for myself,

and for others.

Living loudly isn't what I thought it was.

[dearmattheww]

- is the scariest thing i could do

Why was it the scariest thing

Why did I hesitate when I said

"You and me"

I moved across the country

I travelled the world alone

But to say to you, that maybe I want something more

[dearmattheww]

- very high emotional and social intelligence, mature, independent

So... there's this boy.

It's been easy for me to push you to the side.

You're my best friend, unreliable, quirky,

A bit of a mess.

But I'm never scared with you.

And when you told me how you feel about me,

I could fly.

[dearmattheww]

- i'm never home

Does everyone have this feeling

Of never feeling like you're home.

I have flown around the world,

Tried different groups, people, places,

And I have never felt like I belonged.

The only feeling of belonging I have ever had was in the uncertainty,

Being alone and being myself.

[dearmattheww]

- love grows

Because of you,

And your almost vicious whirlwind love,

The explosion of a love bomb,

And the goodbye,

I totally forgot how to fall in love like normal.

You made me forget:

Love shouldn't feel overwhelming so fast.

Love should feel safe,

and

Love grows.

[dearmattheww]

- all i need is a month...

and yet

[dearmattheww]

- all i need is a month...

"Give me a month"

I can hear myself saying,

Like this arbitrary number means something.

Like suddenly I will have clarity,

Have moved past my trust and self esteem issues,

No longer miss my abuser.

"All I need is a month".

I've had six.

How is February different from the others?

It isn't.

But you pushed for an answer.

I'm not sure, even if you were perfect,

That I could have everything sorted,

Pushed into boxes and packed away neatly,

Like some psychotic house wife.

What he did to me,

How I view myself now,

He was like a tornado through my mind.

A month?

What a fool I was to think all I need is a month.

[dearmattheww]

- jordan

Jordan is funny.

He accepts my emotions, whilst also speaking his mind.

Jordan has an ability to make the room feel easy.

He is creative and inspiring, and always pushing for more.

He has goals and ambitions, and is sure of himself, which I seldom am.

Jordan can make fun of you in a way that brings you into the joke.

He makes me laugh so hard.

Jordan is loyal, and when you are struggling, he is kind.

He doesn't accept bad behaviour, and can draw boundaries to the point where he has helped me draw mine.

Jordan moves through awkward moments with ease and can take the good of a person, with the bad.

[dearmattheww]

- goodbye wales

I'm not sure what is to come.

I don't know how this is going to pan out.

I feel nervous

I feel excited

I feel challenged.

I feel exactly how I should feel just before stepping out into a big adventure.