#neatened and cloistered and categorized and maybe-inflated
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#actually wrote this one in a notebook a week or so ago (whilst high on melatonin & nyquil)#but i keep referring back to the phrasing in my own head enough that i figured id put it somewhere id be able to findd it again#(or at least. put like 2/3 of it here lol)#about: i have a Normal and Healthy ego and this shows it. definitively. yippee.#neither here nor there#letters to emily#curl back up all tight and scared you#with your bragging about the wrong things#and excuses repeated often enough that they can be recited back to you til you hear the lies#--swear there wasnt a lie when you said it#all rationalized and extrapolated out like it made sense#neatened and cloistered and categorized and maybe-inflated#but risen into and filling-enough of words you thought you could claim#til when parroted back you see your thoughts collapsing like jabbed balloons inside the exoskeleton of your words--#curl back up all tight and scared and#pretend you will ever know how to share your love for a story#pretend you will ever be something more resembling interesting#pretend there's something like substance in the pitch-sticky rot-slimy hollow under to your sternum#just go back to pretending okay?#and dont wince at the knee-jerk shame coming at you in waves#when someone you love sees a story you love and dares think “i want to love it too”#when reality like a scalpel opens a cavity of putrid bloat-air and shows off how insignificant you are#when you are (are are are are are are are) shown to be small and silly and foolish and beneath notice.#curl back up all tight and scared (who#are you kidding. you were always ever half-unfurled#hoping-dreading someone would see your too-soft underbelly and stare at it with you.#curled lip-- expected you think and#wishing for something more alone than company and less lonely than solitude. understand a stammer and take comfort in silence.)
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