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houseof-harry · 5 years ago

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Fuck You Too | G.D.

Part 2 of Hate You Too

A/N - surprise! why im posting so late, I couldn’t tell you but here we are. im so excited to share this part w y'all, and im currently obsessed with this whole story line at this point. pls lmk what you guys think!!!!! (and @vintagedolan is an amazing gifer and I will be using her gifs on everything I post but we knew I loved her from the start and anyways)

Word Count - 5.3k

Warnings - some nasty, some angst, nothing new

Kacey described it as a glow.

You hated that, because that made everything seem warm and magical and nice. That’s not what you were feeling, despite the new pep in your step.

But how were you supposed to tell Kacey you’d slept with her boyfriend’s twin that you despised and now you couldn’t stop thinking about it?

The worst part was everything was almost back to normal the next day. He was making rude comments, you were rolling your eyes, and you were flipping each other off by the time dinner came around all over again. But something felt a little different to you. The way his eyes shined a bit brighter when you caught him giving you a death glare, the way you thought about your late night activities with him whenever he flashed you his middle finger, a whole new meaning associated with the action.

You hated that he was giving you these new feelings. So you decided to hate him even more for it.

Luckily, since your mini vacation you’d been able to avoid seeing Grayson. And you thought you’d be able to continue that streak tonight. You and your friends were headed to your favorite bar for tequila tuesday. You didn’t typically participate in something that sounded like an excuse for a frat to throw down during the week, but between your constant thoughts of Grayson and your stress from heading back to work, you were in need of a midweek drink. Or ten.

So you got on your best top, your cutest jeans, your hottest shoes, and you made sure your hair and makeup were both perfect. Tonight was about distracting, about your “glow” becoming sweat from dancing with your friends, and maybe even having an actual excuse as to why you were less uptight because Kacey was getting way too suspicious for your liking.

When you first got there, your spirits were high. Your friends were quick to get some tequila in you, and before you knew it you had that warm feeling all over your body. You had hope, you were feeling good and loose, ready to forget everything that had been haunting you for almost two weeks.

But then the Dolans walked through the doors, and it was almost like you had this 6th sense they were there because the second Grayson was inside, your eyes met. You quickly moved your gaze elsewhere, anger already flowing through your veins alongside the alcohol that was continuing to fog your brain by the minute.

You hear Kacey greet Ethan excitedly, and turn your head to see her almost tackle him down. It makes you giggle to yourself because as much as you had wanted to hate them at first, they were cute as fuck. They almost made you want a relationship of your own. Almost.

“Already drunk?” The deep, and now familiar voice of Grayson comes from behind you, already way too close for comfort.

A scowl makes its way onto your face as you turn around, finding him almost directly behind you. You have to look up at him to see his face, and he looks plenty amused with how much he’s already gotten under your skin.

“Maybe. Does it matter to you?”

He shrugs casually, looking around and smiling at the rest of your friends before looking back down at you. “Not at all. Just something I’d expect from you.”

You scoff, rolling your eyes and pushing at his chest so you can step away from him. “Mind your fucking business, Dolan. I don’t even know why you’d come to a bar when you know you’re not gonna drink.”

“Oh, so I’m not welcome to hang out with you guys? That’s kind of mean, Y/N. Does alcohol make you mean?”

The teasing tone of his voice is only adding to your quickly building frustration as you take a large sip of your drink. “You haven’t seen mean from me yet.”

Before he gets a chance to respond, you walk over to Mila, a more than annoyed look on your face.

“Fuck that kid,” you mumble, finishing off the rest of your drink in a few gulps.

She laughs, shaking her head at you. “Easy there, tiger. You’ve already had four shots and two of those. You wanna be able to walk out of here by the end of the night?”

You roll your eyes, putting your empty cup on the table. “Fine, mom.”

“Damn, he’s been here for less than five minutes and you’re already a bitch,” she laughs, her eyes going to Grayson for a moment to watch him talk to Jas before she looks back at you.

“Can you blame me? He’s unbearable,” you whine, a pout on your lips. You feel a bit childish, but you couldn’t find it within yourself to care. Grayson was a nuisance. A nuisance with a big dick. But definitely a nuisance.

“I think you’re literally the only one who feels that way,” she responds, her eyes clearly raking up and down his body, and you turn to do the same. The tight black long sleeve shirt defines his muscles quite nicely, and his jeans follow the curve of his ass.

You shake your head to bring you out of your trance, knowing yourself too well. Tequila made you horny, and you refused for him to be the one you wanted to spend the night with.

“He’s shallow, condescending, and straight up rude. I don’t get how any of you even like him.”

“You’re the only one he seems to be like that too, though. I wonder why.” Mila grabs her chin, tapping her lips as she tries to think of a reason.

You can’t help the anger that bubbles right back to the surface at her statement, though. That’s all everyone tells you. He’s so nice, and cares about others, and he makes people laugh and is a good time overall. It’s just you that he isn’t nice to. And they love to remind you every time he comes up in conversation, which is more often than you find necessary. They seem to literally swoon over him. You wonder if he’s fucked them too, and that’s how he has a hold over all of them. Maybe he thought it was what would make you like him more, but it didn’t fucking work and you despised how much of a cocky ass he was about fucking you.

So you do what you do best, and find the most attractive man you can. It’s almost laughable how much he looked like Grayson. He was about 6 foot, dark hair, beard, tattoos all over his legs, defined muscles, almost a Grayson look a like. But not quite. And fortunately enough for you, he was easy to woo because he was dragging you out of the bar not even an hour later to bring you back to his place. You hoped he was a distraction enough, finally no Grayson in site to continue to ruin any type of fun you were determined to have.

***

You were grateful that your friends so regularly opened their homes to you. It led to many nights spent at their pools, in their living rooms, cooking in their kitchens, that all created new amazing memories for you to remember forever.

And that’s what you guys were all doing tonight. You were at Mila’s pool, floating around with everyone and going over your weeks to catch up. That’s when Mila asked about the guy you went home with, and you decided now was your moment to finally brag about the man from the bar. He didn’t make you cum as hard as Grayson did, but he got the job done and you’ll be damned if you don’t let everyone know.

To be honest, when Grayson heard you talking, for a moment he couldn’t even blame you for fucking the guy and being so proud about it. But then he remembered it was you talking, and he instantly felt his blood pressure rise.

“His hands were just so...big. And his hand print was bruised on me literally until this morning.”

All the girls around you giggle, ignoring Grayson's looming presence as he wafted in the water closer and closer, trying to seem as casual as possible with his back turned to you all.

“Oh my god and the way he just manhandled me, he picked me up without even batting an eye. It was fucking amazing.”

“Ugh, you’re really out here living the dream,” Mila sighs out, a pout adorning her lips.

“For real, Y/N, you gotta give us all the tips,” Jas adds, a knowing smirk on her face. You roll your eyes before looking at the other girls again.

Before you can respond with anything, Ethan is announcing dinner and the girls are dispersing. You decide to float around for a few minutes alone, wanting the space before you’re back at the dinner table with everyone.

“So he’s got nice hands?”

You jump and cover your mouth, fear shooting through your body for a moment as you turn to see Grayson in the water with you.

“Jesus fucking christ you dick. How long have you been stalking me?”

He rolls his eyes, sinking into the water so that just his neck and head are above it. “It’s a small ass pool, I’m not stalking you.”

You huff, looking over to see all of your friends starting to get their food and sit around the table that’s blocked by the fire pit. You could see them, but they could barely see you. “Aren’t you going to eat or some shit?”

“Aren’t you?”

“God you’re annoying.” You decide to move and float on your back, closing your eyes so you can do your best to ignore him.

“Bet he didn’t make you cum as hard as I did.”

You groan, clenching your fists as heated anger shoots through you. Of course he’s right, but he shouldn’t know it. “You’re such a fucking boy. Not everything is a damn competition. But, if it was, he won.”

For a minute you’re met with silence, and you think maybe he’s actually going to leave you alone.

“Liar.”

“Oh my god,” you sigh, shifting your body to be upright again. You’re met with his smug face, muscles bulging as his skin drips with water from the pool. For a second you think about how he definitely looks better than the other guy would dripping wet like that, but you shut it down real fast. “First, you need to put your ego in check. This may come as a shock to you, but you’re not some god on earth. Second, stop talking about this shit while our friends are here. They don’t need to know shit happened.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I definitely don’t want them knowing I slept with the fake ass princess of town. I’m just saying it’s a shame you think you’ll ever get better dick than mine.”

“You are such a fucking asshole. Like a grade A, picture perfect image of an asshole.” You start to swim to the edge, over his antics. Your patience for him is thin to start, and he’s pushed your buttons enough for you to need another two weeks of not seeing his stupid face. You reach for the deck, getting ready to pull yourself out when you feel two large hands grip your waist, forcing you to stay shoulder deep in the water. You couldn’t stand here, but he could.

“Running away from your problems, like always?” His voice is right in your ear and you’re sure if you shift your head just a tiny bit you’d feel his lips there as well.

“So you finally admit you’re a problem?”

He chuckles softly, his thumbs rubbing circles into your hips. “Maybe. But you’re not much better.”

You cock your head to move farther from his, almost as if you’re considering his words. “Maybe,” you mock him, your muscles tensing as one of his hands slowly moves to the front of your bathing suit. His fingers dip in, quickly finding your clit and getting to work. You hate that your body naturally responds as you relax like putty in his grip, your legs spreading. “But at least I don’t have to trap random girls in a pool with me to reassure my fat fucking ego.”

He bites his lip, temporarily ignoring your words and he continues to circle your clit. He listens to your quiet whimpers as you do what you can to stay silent, both for the sake of not feeding further into his pride and to keep your activities a secret.

Soon your chest is rising and falling quickly and you’re grateful you’re in a pool because there would be no other way to explain the drips of sweat on your hairline. You can feel the fire in the pit of your stomach slowly growing, spreading throughout your entire body.

“Interesting you think you’re a random girl,” he mumbles into your ear before removing himself completely from you.

You gasp, quickly coming back to reality as your orgasm fades into the past, watching him pull himself out of the pool next to you. It should honestly be illegal how good his back looked when doing that.

He looks down at you, annoying ass smirk and all with his hands on his hips as he watches you try to process everything that just happened. “Going to eat. Or some shit.”

And with that he leaves you alone in the pool, cheeks flushed, pussy clenching and a whole lot to think about.

***

“You’ve got the new dick glow girl, I’m telling you.”

“Oh jesus, Kace. It’s not even 9 in the morning,” you huff, sitting across from her at your table, breakfast in hand.

“You have been happier lately,” Ethan chimes in as he watches you begin to eat the vegan french toast he claims will change your world.

You take a bite, shaking your head. “That’s not a thing, and even if it were I don’t have it. Haven’t had dick in a week.”

Although that’s technically true, your mind can’t help but go to the pool from a few days ago. There was no dick involved, but it definitely made you flush a bit. There was definitely no glow, though. If anything it was from embarrassment that you let Grayson touch you again. Or, that’s what you tell yourself, at least.

“Well you’re acting like you’re getting dick every night. Was it so good you masturbate thinking about it every night?”

“Oh jesus christ.”

Ethan turns bright red as Kacey laughs and you rub your face in your hands. Her accusations aren’t wrong, but telling her would mean telling them that Grayson was the one haunting you while you laid awake, chasing sleep but his body, his hands, his everything wouldn’t leave you alone until you did something about it.

“Oh my god, is it the feelings glow? Do you like the guy?” Kacey continues to laugh, wiggling her eyebrows as you make a face of disgust.

“Absolutely not. I don’t want to date anyone right now, and I don’t know anyone who I’d be willing to give up my single life for. Ethan,” you turn to him pointing your fork at him. “Good luck, she’s fucking crazy today.” You stand, grabbing your plate and walking towards your room. “Now I need to get ready, so stop talking about my fucking glow that doesn’t exist.”

The couple wait a few moments to hear your music blasting before Kacey turned to Ethan.

“God, she’s got it for someone. Think it’s the guy from the bar?” She wonders aloud, watching Ethan inhale what’s left of the french toast he served himself.

He shrugs. “Dunno. What exactly is the ‘new dick glow’?”

“It’s when a girl starts getting dicked down, but like actually dicked down, not just by a guy who has a ten second stroke game. Whoever the guy is definitely fucked her right, because Y/N never gets the new dick glow. She hasn’t made a joke about guys not knowing where the clit is for almost three weeks, which might be a record.”

Ethan scoffs, looking down the hall and then back at Kacey. “I know where the clit is.”

Kacey laughs, leaning in to kiss his cheek. “I know, baby. That’s why I’m dating you. You gave me the new dick glow.”

He smirks, crossing his arm over his chest. “Fuck yeah I did.”

“But that’s why I wanna know who it is, because Y/N deserves to be happy with someone who makes her happy. The only reason she got defensive was because I’m right.”

Ethan nods in agreement, thinking to himself for a moment.

“Is there a guy equivalent to the new dick glow?”

“Well, any guy who likes dick can get the new dick glow.”

“No, I mean like would I have gotten a new pussy glow when we started fucking?”

Kacey sits back in her chair, running her tongue over her teeth as she thinks before shrugging. “I mean I guess. Any pussy to a guy is good pussy for the most part, though. It’d have to be a girl they’re really into to get a glow.”

Ethan hums, clearly lost in his thoughts. Kacey raises her brow, sitting up to grab her fork. “Why, do you think you got the glow when we started seeing each other?”

“Oh 100%,” he nods, resting his elbow on the table to put his head in his hand while he looks over at her. “But that doesn’t surprise me. I just think Grayson might have the new pussy glow.”

“Really?”

“Mhm,” Ethan nods, now even more confident in his conclusion. “He’s just been more energetic than normal, and he hasn’t mentioned how desperately single he is since our beach weekend.”

“Who’s he been seeing?”

“That’s the thing,” he huffs, the frustration clearly starting to build as he racks his brain to put the puzzle pieces together without success. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen anyone new, and when he’s talking to his new soulmate of the month he doesn’t shut the fuck up about her before he even knows her last name. But none of them have ever given him the pussy glow, not like this.”

“Wow, the odds Y/N and Grayson get the glow at the same time? Maybe they’ll finally be able to stand one another,” Kacey jokes.

“What if they’re fucking each other and that’s why they’ve got the glow?” Ethan laughs, shaking his head before continuing to eat.

Kacey laughs with him at first, but then her face falls when she thinks about it.

“You said Gray stopped complaining about being single after the beach weekend?”

Ethan nods, looking at her confused.

“That’s when Y/N stopped with the hating all men jokes.”

They both sit there for a moment, watching each other.

“Nah, there’s no way. Grayson can barely stand to be around Y/N for five minutes. There’s no way she could give him the glow,” Ethan speaks up first, shaking his head.

“Yeah,” Kacey sighs, a slight frown forming on her lips. “You’re right. Would kinda be the perfect love story, though.”

***

2:53 am.

That’s the time your phone says it is.

And somehow you’re wide awake, Grayson haunting your thoughts.

You’re not sure if it’s the exhaustion or the way he seems to consume every part of your mind and body that has you opening your messages with him. There’s only a handful of texts there, all of them short. Your last conversation with him was from when you were out with your friends, but Kacey and Ethan had too much fun too fast. They needed to get home, and being the best best friend, you willingly put your ego on the line by texting Grayson to come get them.

fine.

That one word was staring at you, mocking you almost from the screen, knowing that despite how much love Grayson has for his brother, he was still barely willing to do what you asked just due to the fact it was coming from you. It made a small pang of sadness shoot through you, but it was quickly overpowered by anger, and that anger was only heightened by the fact that his snappy attitude and the way he was able to get such a rise out of you made you so fucking wet.

You’re snapped out of your thoughts when you see the three dots pop up on the screen in front of you for a few seconds before they disappear. You hold your breath, unable to move from the anxiety of being caught staring at these messages looming over you for no reason. It was probably him trying to reach someone else and he didn’t realize he was typing to you.

But then they pop up again, and for almost a full minute before they went away again.

You lay there, waiting to see if he’ll actually say anything to you, but the three dots don’t come back. The time at the top of your screen says 3:01, and you can’t believe he’d even be up right now. Hell, someone probably had his phone and was trying to text you as a prank or something.

But fuck it. You wanted dick, his dick.

you up

You press send before you can think too hard about it, knowing if you let one brain cell evaluate your decision, you wouldn’t have done it.

As you read the message back to yourself, you see why. What kind of douche ass shit was that? That’s something you’d expect Grayson to send you, not the other way around. What were you going to say after he responds? If he responds. What would you say the next time you saw him if this didn’t go as planned? What even was the fucking plan?

As you continue to spiral, your phone dings and lights up in your face, his name popping up.

what do you want

You purse your lips together, surprised by his response. First, the fact he responded and also by the fact he didn’t totally dismiss you either.

But how the fuck do you respond to that?

You decide honesty is the best policy, and at this point there isn’t anything you could do too make things worse than they are because they are already so fucking bad.

thinking about your dick

Shit. You can practically feel his ego growing from your comfortable position under your sheets, even though he lives almost a half hour away. Maybe you should start consulting your brain cells after all.

did you just fucking booty call me 😂

Great. Just more fuel for him to add to the fire.

no. it was a text and i didnt ask you to come over.

thats a shame

You sit there dumbfounded, his response confusing you even more than every feeling he stirs up inside of you. Did he want to come over? Was he thinking about fucking you? Did he actually mean to try and text you before and pussy out?

Ethan and Kacey were at the guys’ house, leaving you alone in the apartment. Realistically, you could totally have him over for a quick fuck without them noticing, as long as he snuck out and back in without waking either of them up. Did you trust him to be able to do that? No. Did you care about that more than getting fucked?

guess im going to bed

A double text from the Grayson Dolan himself. Maybe you weren’t the only desperate one here.

what would you do if you werent going to bed rn

if it were up to me id come fuck you

gonna unlock my door. don’t let k or e hear

You throw your phone face down on the bed as you get up, slight panic running through you. This could quite literally be the dumbest thing you’ve done in a long ass time, and especially sober.

But there’s no time to harp on that, preparing for Grayson’s possible arrival taking the cake. So you get up, moving to the front door and unlocking it before rushing back to your room to get ready. You do what you can to freshen up, changing into just an oversized shirt for easy access, and cleaning up the room, doing what you can to make it as nice as possible. He’d never been there before, and you had no interest in him picking apart anything before getting to what you really want.

Just as you’re fluffing your pillows, you hear the front door open and shut. Butterflies explode in your stomach, nerves you’d been ignoring unable to hide deep within you anymore as you anticipate finally seeing him after what felt like so long.

You check the time on your phone. 3:33. Only a few minutes earlier than you thought he would get here.

You turn as soon as you hear your bedroom door opening. His wide shoulders take up the majority of your doorframe, his white shirt tight across his chest, and his casual stance making you practically drool. And you let yourself enjoy, taking in his athletic shorts that show he is definitely not wearing anything underneath and he is also definitely excited to be there.

He chuckles, crossing his hands over his chest. “Did you tell me to come here just to check me out?”

The minute you hear his voice, your eyes quickly meet his, and his gaze seems to be burning into you.

“Dunno. Do you know how to do anything besides stand there and look pretty?”

He rolls his eyes, making his way into the room and kicking his sneakers off as he gets closer to you. “You and I both know I can do a lot more than that.”

“You’re gonna have to remind me, then,” you hum, a smirk on your face as he finally grips your waist, pushing you gently against the bed so that you have to sit in front of him.

“That shouldn’t be a problem.”

Your hands come to rest on his biceps as he grabs your chin to lean down and kiss you. His lips are soft against yours, moving slower than you expected. The kiss is sensual, slow and hot as he makes sure you can feel every part of his mouth on yours. You bring a hand to his wrist, the sensation of finally having his lips on yours making your head spin. You’d missed it more than you’d like to admit.

He begins pushing your body down so you’re lying on your back, your shirt riding up your thighs and exposing the warm skin there. He rests his free hand by the side of your head to lean his body over yours, his knees resting on the edge of the bed in between your legs. You could feel his hard dick against your abdomen and you moan against his lips just at the thought of finally having him again.

He pulls away from your mouth for a moment, both of your breathing a bit more ragged than before as you look into each other's eyes for what feels like the first time. It’s pretty dark in your room, the lamp in the corner the only source of light, but you can still see all the different colors and emotions that seem to be dancing behind his irises.

You lick your lips and pull on his wrist to bring his face back to yours and he seems to hesitate for a moment before conceding, meeting your lips with his again for a moment before dragging them down to your chin. His kisses along the skin there are lighter and quicker, until he is finally trailing them down your neck and finding the spot there that makes you gasp.

He pays attention to this spot, kissing and sucking until you’re sure there’s a bruise there, but you can’t bring yourself to care.

While he focuses on your neck, he lets go of your chin to drag his hand leisurely down your body and to the hem of your shirt. His fingertips dance along the skin just below it, and you feel the goosebumps quickly forming in a trail behind them. He pushes the shirt up slowly, letting himself enjoy the feeling of your skin that hadn’t left his mind since the last time he had been able to touch it.

He grabs the collar of your shirt from the inside, his forearm pushing the fabric up to completely expose your body while also showing some new skin where your neck meets your chest. He lets his lips drag down there, and you let out a breathy sigh of contentment.

“So soft for me,” he mumbles, and you melt into the way his tongue feels against your skin, his hand moving from your collar to your chest and allowing his finger to brush over your nipple

“Grayson,” you mumble, eyes closed as you enjoy his soft touches, but the warmth coming from them is overwhelming. It was caring, gentle, even nice. That’s not what you need from him, though. Not when you’ve already been so confused.

“Hm?” He hums against your skin, licking over the dark spot there.

“Gonna put a pep in your step or what? Thought you came here to fuck me.”

He lifts his head at that, his eyebrows quirked as he looks at you confused. “No build up allowed?”

You huff, assuming he’s only acting this way to get a rise out of you. He wants to hear how ready you are from him, and at this point you don’t care because you want to get your shit rocked.

“I don’t need the buildup, that’s some romantic ass shit. You’d know I’m wet as shit if you touched me where I know you want to.”

You swear you saw disappointment rush over his features for a split second before they harden, his jaw tightening.

“I wasn’t being romantic, I was just doing what I always fucking do!” He stands from above you, backing away as he rests his hands on his hips.

You sigh before sitting up, assuming he’s just throwing a fit and will get over himself to finally do what you’ve both been anticipating.

“That was some soft shit, Gray. Last time you literally told me all the things you hate about me.”

He groans and mumbles under his breath as he closes his eyes to collect himself. You lean back on your hands, amusedly watching him try not to completely lose his shit.

“Do you always have to be such a fucking bitch?”

His words make the smirk fall from your face, and they cut way deeper than you’d expect. You can see from the look on his face that he’s not teasing you, he really meant what he said. You’re not sure if he expected an answer, but before you can think of anything rational, your anger takes over.

“I’d rather be a bitch than a fucking idiot?”

“Oh, so caring about people makes me a fucking idiot?” Grayson’s teeth clench, his skin still red as his fingernails dig into his palms.

“No, caring about you would make me an idiot,” you do your best to be as nonemotional as possible, pushing the anger that is aiming to match his down while ignoring the implication that he cares about you. Of course, anger is a secondary emotion, and the fear of actually caring for someone you’re supposed to hate is what’s triggered your fight or flight, but that’s something for you to work on alone. Or in therapy. But not with Grayson.

He scoffs. “You know what Y/N? Fuck you.”

He walks around the room, gathering the few things he brought with him before slamming your bedroom door.

You let all of the emotional baggage of the past ten minutes take over, tears quickly filling your eyes as you mumble, “fuck you too.”

Read part 3 here!

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chefrat · 4 years ago

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breaking point

pairings: Wakatoshi Ushijima x Reader

type: I guess it could count as angst, break up type :0 idk

word-count: 2.7k

warnings: cursing, mentions of fighting, he hurts reader physically without meaning to

A/N: running on no sleep again aha, its just five in the morning so im really sorry if its not a strong story, also my English is supppeerr shitty but :( I try my best, ill probably rewrite it one day because the ending wasnt strong but im just so sleepy :( and I really wanted to finish writing this tonight. im still working on the part 2 of liar lair buut because people seemed to enjoy it I want to at least make it better than the other ones I've written :o also I really don't know what to name this ://////

____________________

Arguments between couples was completely normal, it was a very common thing to be disagreeing with your significant other over things once in a while. Or at least that’s what you kept telling yourself to pull through the nights whenever Toshi felt like picking a fight with you. Your relationship with him only kept on getting worse and worse each day, the constant fighting draining you mentally and physically. If you knew your relationship with him was going to turn out like this then you wouldn’t had agreed to that date four years ago. But how could you say no to him? Back in high school, everything was more simple. The memories from years ago is what kept you grounded in your relationship, he used to be so loving and caring in his own way. Now whenever you looked at him, you couldn’t believe how much things had changed. How much he changed. Volleyball and managing to do excellent in school were major stressors for him and you tried your best to be there for him no matter what, even excusing his brutal behavior.

You sighed, picking up your pace and making your way towards your shared apartment with your boyfriend. It was around nine o’clock and you had missed your bus after finishing up a shift that you didn’t even agreed on but you couldn’t just say no. The bus wouldn’t take that long to come around but you rather walk home then wait out in the cold. A familiar stinging in your chest returned after thinking about what he would have to say. You knew he would disapprove of coming home so late but you hoped he would understand that you had to take the extra shift. Anxiety invading all your thoughts, thinking of the worse thing that could happen. Mentally praying to yourself that he was in a good mood tonight.

Breaking up had been something you’ve put a lot of thought into but you kept lying to yourself. Telling yourself that he would change and that as soon the both of you were out of school that it would all go back to normal. You weren’t stupid though, you wouldn’t know how to feel if you kept your relationship with him. The things he would say shattered your confidence and with his tone, it was enough to make anyone rethink their whole purpose. You weren’t even sure why you stuck around. Could it had been that you were just hopelessly in love with him even after every damaging word he would scream at you until you fully memorized it or was it because you were just too afraid to leave him? Afraid of the way that he would react or possibly lash out. The warm and cuddly boyfriend you once knew so well now could only bring you fear instead of that longing warmth.

You kicked off your shoes, finally making it home way before the bus could if you had waited for it. The apartment was quiet, too quiet. He probably was already in bed, catching up on sleep that he had sacrificed on practice and studying. A sigh of relief left your lungs, thinking to yourself that finally there wouldn’t be any arguing tonight. You smiled, making your way towards your room to take a shower before going to bed. Too tired to eat dinner. As soon as you opened the door, your hopes came crushing down. There he sat on the bed with his phone in his hand, scrolling through it. Your breath caught in your throat, scared for whatever was going to happen.

“Where were you?” He asked, still not looking up from his phone. The tone he used wasn’t harsh or cold. It was his usual tone, the one you grew to love in high school.

“I’m so sorry, they made me take an extra shift and then my b-“ Toshi finally looked up and made sure to make eye contact with you. The look in his eyes felt so cold that it made you want to cry. A reminder that there will never be a peaceful night with him.

“And then your what?” His tone never changed but the look in his eyes. It was the look.

“And then I missed my bus because of the extra shift…Please Toshi, please don’t be mad.” You could already feel your tears forming in your eyes. The exhaustion getting to you now, there was just so much that you could take until you just couldn’t anymore and right now it felt like that was the case.

“What the fuck are you crying for? It was just a question. Lately you’ve been spending every day crying. Seems like all you’re good for is crying.” There it was, the tone you were so afraid of, finally making its appearance. With both the look he had in his eyes and his tone, you just couldn’t hold back on the tears.

“Because of you! I cry every day because of you. Everyday I wake up and I’m scared of what new insults you’ll come up with! I’m so scared of you and I’m tired, so fucking tired of putting up with the fighting and the way you look at me as if you hate me…” With a blurry vision from your tears you could still make out his face and he was still giving you that awful look.

“Don't talk to me like that. You don’t think I’m tired of the fighting too? You're constantly bitching, I get tired of that too!” You fixed your stare to a glare, mimicking the look he was giving you. It ended up pissing him off even more, making him stand up from the bed, the movement making you flinch.

“My constant bitching is because you’re constantly a dick!” You had never yelled at him like this before, it was all new to him and you. His jaw tensed, holding back from lashing out.

“Don’t fucking yell at me.” He said through gritted teeth, standing tall in front of you now. The way he approached you was frightening. But you didn’t care, you were finally letting out every little thing you were holding in for months.

“I-“ A hiccup interrupting your sentence. “I can’t do this anymore!” Toshi tightened his brows, looking at you with a deep frown planted on his face. “I want to break up.”

You felt your breathing stop when you felt both hands on you. He was never one to put his hands on you and you couldn’t help but just cry harder, scared of what could happen. It seemed like the more you cried the harder his grip on you got, his large hands squeezing your arms feeling like they would snap any minute. His grip on you was vile, feeling your arms go numb from the tightening.

“Please stop, you're hurting me!” Your tears clouded your vision, not being able to see him clearly anymore. But he wouldn’t loosen his grip, his anger controlling him.

“Toshi, you’re hurting me.” You sobbed out and finally getting him to react. He let go, his eyes wide with fear, afraid of the pain he brought you. His eyes looking over your arms and seeing his hand prints, the guilt settling in and making him feel like the worst fucking person in the world.

The both of you stood there in front of each other without moving. His own tears threatening to spill from his eyes but he tried his best to hold them back. He couldn’t cry in front of you, not while he had brought you so much pain. It wasn’t fair to you, he wasn’t fair to you.

You left without saying anything, the only thing he could hear as you walked away was your crying and small gasps for air. He didn’t chase after you, he couldn’t, it wouldn’t be fair to you if he had. It was late and you had no idea where you would go, you did have a name in mind but you weren’t sure how to approach him. Especially with the forming bruises on your arm, he would just ask so many questions and you weren’t in the mood to answer anything at the moment. Your feet still dragged you to his place, it’s not like you had anywhere to go after walking out and leaving your bag and all your other belongings behind.

“Hmm?” Tendou murmured after opening the door to his apartment and seeing his friends girlfriend crying her eyes out and shivering from the cold. He could only frown, imagining the worst. “Hey, are you okay?”

He felt the air get knocked out of him when you rammed your body into his, sobbing into his chest and hugging him. The red head returned the hug, still having no clue why you were crying your eyes out in his apartment at such a late hour. With his leg he was able to softly kick the door to his apartment to shut out the cold. You pulled away, a little more calm now after being able to get a hug. Tendou stood by your side patiently as you calmed down, rubbing his hand against your small back and feeling your breathing go back to steady.

That’s when he stopped his comforting, his eyes widening at the soft pink fingerprints on your arm and then on your other arm. “Did he do this to you?” He asked, making you follow him to the small kitchen he had. He reached into his freezer to take out an icepack, offering it to you for your forming bruises. You could only nod to him, your throat feeling sore from the amount of sobs you tried to keep in on your way over.

“We broke up.” Tendou offered you a hug to try to make you feel better which you took with shaky breaths feeling your tears start up again. That night Tendou comforted you on his couch, putting on all kinds of movies you enjoyed to try to cheer you up. Even cracking up jokes to get you to smile, doing anything to get a positive reaction out of you. The next day he offered his spare room, that he used as storage, in his apartment for you to move in knowing that you probably didn’t want to go back to Toshi. The red head had been one of your closest friend since high school and there wasn’t anywhere else to go so you agreed. You still promised him that once you were able to get your shit together that you would find your own place and move out. He even offered to pick up your clothes and items and you accepted, too scared to face Toshi.

Tendou knocked on the door with a heavy hand, holding in his breath. He wasn’t sure what to think of his friend now. When he saw the forming bruises on your arms and when you told him about the fighting, he just couldn’t believe that he would let his anger go that far. The door opened, revealing a tensed looking Toshi. With the blank stare present on Tendou’s face it seemed obvious that he knew about what had gone down.

“I’m here to get Y/n’s stuff.” Without a word, Toshi moved from the door allowing a space for Tendou to pass through. No one talked or even offered a glance to the other. It felt tense but Tendou was there for one thing only. He wasn't sure what to grab so he looked around confused until he noticed a familiar backpack you always used to carry around. He made sure to grab that and whatever clothes of yours he could find, he still didn’t have a clue and he felt even more pressured when Toshi was just in a corner, watching.

“The drawer there, thats all of their stuff. I’ll get you a bigger bag.” Tendou looked over to where Toshi pointed to and nodded. He was back in a minute, handing the red head the bigger bag he mentioned. In a flash, most of the drawer was emptied out. All Tendou wanted was to leave but he checked over the room again, to see if he had missed anything by any chance.

“All their shoes are in the closet.” He grabbed the bag that was starting to weigh with a huff and moved toward the closet. Opening it, he could make out which shoes were yours and which were Toshis. Grabbing two pairs at the time to hurry, he could still feel Toshi’s eyes on him.

Tendou stood up, waiting for more instructions but when none came his way and with bags in his hands, he made his way out without saying a word. Toshi could only watch, letting another important person in his life walk away. He felt himself become breathless, tears that he tried his hardest to hold back, prickling. All gone because he couldn’t be a better person to you but he knew it was all his fault and he just had to take the consequences seriously. But still, he didn’t try to hold the cries when he realized that you had blocked him on everything. He didn’t try to look for you because he knew that it wouldn’t be fair to you, he had already put you through enough. That week you also cried your eyes out, you couldn’t even look at yourself in the mirror because your eyes would always linger on the bruises. You still loved him, he was your world for years and the sudden change hurt the both of you deeply. It was just time for the both of you to heal and move on, Toshi didn’t feel like doing either. He rather live with the pain, reminding himself that the only person who could understand him the best and love him even with his bold personality was just gone.

The first few weeks was hell for the both of you, Toshi took most of the time to reflect on the horrible things he would say to you. Mostly he would channel all that anger he had into volleyball which was a good distraction for him but also the worst time to be thinking about you. It would only make him want to sit and cry his heart out. You would basically do the same thing, taking extra shifts at work and working harder than usual to keep your mind off him. But you could always feel the tears threatening to spill out if something ever reminded you of him. Tendou was a great friend, always around to cheer you up whenever those waves of sadness hit. From making you dinner to even putting up with the dumb movies you liked, he was there to help you heal. Sometimes you would ask him to check on Toshi but he would avoid the question most of the time. He was against you trying to reach out to your ex but you knew he was doing it for you, helping you heal.

One night you couldn’t help but feel around your bed, hoping that it was all just a bad dream. You at least expected to feel that warmth you grew familiar to for years but instead all you could feel was your cold sheets. You silently cried in your bed welcoming the coldness. After years of being by his side constantly, you were finally alone and you weren’t sure how to react. Sure you had Tendou but it wasn't the same. He wasn’t Toshi, he wasn’t the one who would encourage you every day to do your best or who would greet you with his straight forward and awkward loving. Toshi was one of a kind and as much as you wished you could go back to fix things, you also felt like there was no return anymore. You’d do anything to be able to go back running straight into his arms and to be able to feel his warmth once again. Maybe in another life the both of you could reunite and be finally okay.

‘If only’ you thought to yourself, turning on your side on your cold empty bed. The coldness was just something you were going to have to get used to for a while. Now that he was no longer around anymore.

(not edited, reallly tired :( insomnia kicking my ass but im going to try to get some sleep because its really been a problem for me lately)

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jobean12-blog · 6 years ago

Note

wait omg think about this ok... beefy bucky and reader versus the team in a nerf gun battle

Nerf Wars

Pairings: Beefy Bucky x reader

Word Count: 910

Summary: You have some fun with Bucky that turns into an all out war with all your Avenger friends

Author’s Note: This was way too much fun to write! Thanks for the request and I hope you enjoy it <3

Warnings: implied smut and fun times and lots of FLUFFY FUN!

“Ouch, y/n, what the hell was that?!?,” Bucky yells as he spins around rubbing his butt cheek. He barely caught a glimpse of your retreating form as you dash with a giggle out the door and down the hallway, Bucky reaching down to pick up the foam Nerf dart, “oh, it’s on, baby girl,” he says to himself with an evil grin.

Later that day you’re in the kitchen grabbing a snack with Nat, chit chatting about nothing when you get hit in the ass by a Nerf dart, “shit, shit, shit,” you mutter, quickly ducking behind the island. Nat instinctively crouches down next to you, “what the hell is going on, y/n where did that come from?” she asks, not evening trying to hide her amusement. You fill her in on the little stunt you pulled this morning and she bursts out laughing, “Oh you asked for it, girl, I would be on high alert at all times,” she advises, smiling like a little kid.

Lying in bed, naked bodies pressed impossibly close, and Bucky caressing your ass, you are suddenly reminded of the Nerf dart bruise, “hey Barnes couldn’t resist getting me back, huh,” you joke poking his sides. “Listen, sweetheart, if it’s a Nerf war you want, I’ll give it to you, you’re messing with the wrong guy,” he smirks, stilling your roaming hands and rolling over on top of you. You wiggle beneath him, never tiring of the feel of his strong and solid body pressing you into the mattress, “actually, I have an even better idea,” you say, giving him your best evil genius look, “here’s what we’re gonna do…”

It’s been quiet around the compound, everyone taking time off in preparation for the Holidays. You and Bucky are down in the gym, sparring like you would any other day, Steve is weight lifting and Nat is doing some yoga. Sam and Wanda come down the stairs, you give Bucky the nod, he sneaks off, and you grab everyone’s attention by making up some ridiculous story about a naked cowboy you saw in Times Square earlier while running errands.

Sam is the first to be hit, “son of a bitch, that hurt,” he yells as he rubs the back of his head, spinning to find the culprit. Steve goes down next, taking multiple shots to the back and head, “what the hell is this, we are under attack!”

Bucky emerges from behind the supply closet and makes a bee line for you, throwing a Nerf gun in your direction, which you easily catch and begin shooting, he grabs you around the waist and picks you up with ease as the two of you escape the gym, firing away at your friends the whole time.

Once in the safety of your shared room, Bucky finally sets you down, “woooohoooo! That was amazing! I must have hit Steve like 15 times and Sam was so mad,” Bucky excitedly chatters while bouncing on the balls of his feet. You smile huge as you eye him up and down, “you’re barely out of breath babe and you carried me up two flights of steps while running,” you say, giving him a saucy look before hooking your arms around his neck and leaning up to kiss him.

The next thing you know you’re in Bucky’s lap as he bounces down onto the mattress, hands frantically pulling at clothes in between heated kisses. Your shirt is thrown to the floor; Bucky’s following soon after as he gently lays you on the bed, his feats of strength a constant turn on for you.

Just as you’re working his sweatpants down his legs, the bedroom door bursts open and you are bombarded with Nerf darts from what seems like every direction. Bucky takes several hits to his practically bear ass as you scream under him and hide.

“It’s a damn good thing I didn’t get an eyeful of your naked ass when I bust the door down, Barnes, or that would have been two wins for you, I would have run the other way,” Sam taunts as he reloads his Nerf gun.

Bucky finally leaps off the bed taking you with him, luckily you still had your bra on so he grabs your own Nerf guns and you both start firing away, getting a few good shots in before backing into the bathroom and locking the door.

You hear everyone calling you cowards and quitters, throwing jabs left and right, Steve finally calling it off with a huff, “this isn’t over you two. You started this and we are gonna finish it.”

They leave with a slam of the door, you and Bucky crouched in the back of the bathroom, no longer able to hold in your fit of laughter, “oh now it’s really on babe,” you say as you retrieve your phone from your pocket and open your Amazon app. “What are you doing, doll?” Bucky asks, eyeing you appreciatively as you type away in only your bra and sweats. “I’m placing the biggest Nerf gun order Amazon has ever seen, if it’s a war they want, it’s a war they are gonna get,” you reply, winking at Bucky.

He barks out a laugh as he scoots closer to you, pulling the phone from your hands, “shop later, let’s say you and I take a shower, then we can devise our master plan,” he grins before silencing you with a searing kiss.

@annavega333 @abovethesmokestacks @beckzorz @book-dragon-13 @buckingmadness @buckmesideways22 @buckysbrat @cametobuyplums @chuuulip @cchellacat @collinsstanharbour @eurynome827 @im-not-great-at-making-up-names @jewels2876 @jewelofwinter @loricameback @lancetuckershairgel @littledarlinhavefaithinme @marvelgirl7 @marvelous-meggi @marvelandotherfandomimagines @nerdypinupcrystal @randomfandompenguin @sebastiansloserclub @stuck-y-together @spacemansam @sallycanwait68 @southernbell91 @tranquil--heart

#bucky x reader #beefy bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fluff #bucky x reader fluff #bucky barnes x reader fluff #sebastian stan #bucky x reader smut

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sugaryyangs · 5 years ago

Text

you're my 't-h-i-n-g'

taeyong × fem!reader

warnings: mature language and themes

genre: floof but i think theres a good amount of angst shoved in there im really sorry im bad at these things dhvehej

tags: pining, bestfriend!taeyong, badboi(?)!taeyong, jellybelly!taeyong

characters: you, taeyong, yuta and johnneh make a brief appearance, seventeen's yoon jeonghan is mentioned like twice

words: 3.6k

Do you remember back when you were a child? Do you remember meekly holding onto the object of your affection and feeling safe, desperate for it to stay by your side forever?

Whether it was a stuffed toy or your parents' big, warm arms, do you remember the sense of security only your 'thing' could make you feel? Knowing that no matter what, you were protected against all the evils your brain could muster back then?

Well, I guess it would be presumptuous of me to assume that every single person would remember their 'thing', mostly because some people just didn't get to experience having one at all.

Lee Taeyong was one of those people.

He'd grown up in a place he never spoke about once in the four years I've known him. Not willingly, anyway.

It was almost at the end of our sophomore year of college when I had finally managed to push him into opening up about his past, and boy was I taken aback. Not to exaggerate or anything, but anyone who knew Taeyong had the basic idea about his background, and what he told me still managed to shock me out of my wits.

I understood after that why he didn't talk about his past. If I were him, I wouldn't either. I was surrounded by absolute guilt for making Taeyong relive it through his words and vowed not to ever bring it up again.

Another thing that made sense to me after that conversation was why it was so hard for him to commit to relationships. Not just romantic ones, just relationships in general. As far as I know, apart from me, he didn't trust anyone.

Well, apart from me and them.

Taeyong never really let me get close to the guys at the tattoo shop, now that I think about it. He kept me completely separated from his other friends the first year and a half of knowing me. Not even a mention about what his day was like at work. I was honestly amazed by how efficiently he could swerve around the subject for so long.

After a while, he started mentioning their names but that was pretty much it. He rarely ever did that, though. But it wasn't like he was cutting off another personality of his from me or anything like that. I had a general idea of what they did. Even if Tae managed to keep me completely separated from all of that the best he could, he still was the same Lee Taeyong to me. He was still my best friend, so he obviously couldn't hide everything from me.

The first time I ever interacted with them (that too, only two of them) was a few weeks ago, during my fourth year of knowing Tae. It was a... questionable encounter. Now that I think about it, the highlight of that day wasn't even meeting Taeyong's friends.

Whoever fought with him that day had probably put up a good fight, because he was so hurt that day that he had no choice but to come to my apartment for help; and he hated having to be seen by me when he was hurt.

I was utterly terrified when I saw him, to be honest. The slash on his arm was long and it looked really deep. He had a lot of bruises on his leg, and those, too, only the ones I could see through his ripped jeans. There were scratches on his face as well. Tae told me that he'd only walked for around five minutes or so, but I was honestly surprised he'd managed to make it to my place in his state.

After my frantic attempts to clean up his injuries in a mixture of panicked questions, teary eyes and messy bandaging somehow made the bleeding stop (not completely, I could see the bloodstains on the bandage), I demanded that we head to the hospital immediately.

He refused to budge, claming that he "didn't need to", and I was near punching him square in the jaw.

"What the fuck do you mean, 'I don't need it'? Are you fucking insane, Tae? We're going. Now."

Now, I may not be the scariest person in the world, but I do know how to take my stance when I need to. No way in hell was I going to agree to let him bleed on my fucking couch for goodness knows how long before he passed out.

I stood in front of him, my arms crossed over my chest. He was watching me intensely, his piercing eyes looking straight into mine. I didn't know why, but for some reason, they always managed to make me weak.

This might not be the best time to bring this up, but yes, I possibly had feelings for Taeyong which weren't exactly platonic, per se. And yes, it was terrible, because he depended on me for love and support. It was wrong of me, and I was trying to stop.

But at that moment, I wasn't going to cave. Hell if I wouldn't try my best to battle his gaze, no matter the way it made me feel.

"Get up," I said, shoving every bit of authority I had inside me into my voice. "Now."

He parted his lips slightly and held the tip of his tongue between his teeth. His eyes flitted down from my face. Relief bloomed in my chest. The fear of the possibility of Taeyong's injuries getting worse flickered away slowly.

A doctor will look at him and he'll be fine, I told myself.

That was short-lived, though. Not more than two seconds later, he looked back up to meet my eyes, with a much darker gaze this time. The way he looked at me was so intense that I almost lost my breath. And then the realization hit me.

I was in a dress. Tae knew I only wore dresses on dates. Tae liked to know about who I was going out with. I hadn't told him about this one.

The anxiety was ten times harder this time than the one I had felt before. I looked away from his eyes to the couch behind him and, seeing his jaw tighten through my peripheral vision.

He shifted closer to me so that our knees were touching, taking me by surprise. I looked down at his arm, concern clawing at my chest as I saw more blood seep through the white bandage wrapped around his forearm, probably because he moved so suddenly.

"Tae, let's— let's not do this right now—"

"Who were you out with?"

My breath caught in my throat. I felt awful doing this. I felt awful knowing that he cared so much. I hated that I hoped that he didn't just care as a friend. I hated that I liked Lee Taeyong, a person who sought comfort in me.

And that's exactly why I wanted to move on. I couldn't just cut him out of my life, so I tried to busy myself with other people. He made it so much more difficult, though. It was hard enough for me to agree to go out with someone without having my heart shatter into pieces at the constant reminder that it was Taeyong that I truly liked by itself. The fact that Tae rarely ever approved of my dates made it even harder. That's why I chose to keep Jeonghan hidden from him.

But being dishonest to him was what hurt the most.

"Tae, please. You're not listening, we— we need to get you help—"

He cut me off, opening his legs and shifting to the edge of the couch so that I was standing between his thighs.

"I asked you a question."

I could feel tears prick at my eyes. Sucking in a shaky breath, I tried to compose myself.

"That isn't our priority right now, please, let's just go—"

"I said I'm Fucking Fine. Will you answer the God damned question now?" He raised his voice and I flinched slightly. Slowly, I could feel anger bubble at the back of my throat. Why did he have to yell? I never got this mad when he went out with someone I didn't like.

"That isn't any of your business," I mumbled, taking a step back. His hand immediately came to stop me, palm resting against the back of my knee and pulling me closer. It felt warm against my skin, making the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

"What did you say?" He spat. He sounded livid.

I felt myself get aggravated, too.

"I said that it isn't any of your business," I repeated, pushing his hand off. I looked into his rage-filled eyes, intimidating to the core.

But I wasn't going to back down. Tae had no right to be this mad at me for going on a date, even if he cared. It wasn't like I had ever stopped him from going out with someone. Besides, he hadn't been completely honest with me about his life either.

"It very much is my fucking business," He mocked my tone from vefire as he stood up, towering over me slightly. I looked up at him as he leaned down to level our faces. My heart went to beat fast again, but I didn't let that affect me. We were having this argument now, no matter the way he made me feel.

"Yeah?" I challenged. "How come I never get to hear about who you're hanging out with, then?"

He looked taken aback. I couldn't believe him. Did he honestly think I was never going to bring up his friends, or rather, the fact that he entirely hid them from me? I didn't know them personally, but I knew they weren't the best people. Not with Taeyong coming home hurt like this.

"That isn't the same thing."

I scoffed, looking away. "How is it not the same thing? You've known me for four fucking years, Tae! Four! You thought I wouldn't question you hiding what seems to be an entirely different world from me? For all I know, you could—"

"It isn't the same thing because they won't try to get into my fucking pants!" He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated. "Those guys, that ask you out, they're — they're dangerous. All they want to do is fuck you, and they'll pounce on you the first chance they get-"

What the hell was he talking about?

"Then why the fuck do you keep your friends hidden from me? Don't you want to keep me locked away from them because they're dangerous as well? Like all my dates supposedly are?" I was shouting now, and I was sure my neighbor could hear me.

Taeyong rubbed a hand over his face in frustration.

"Fine. If you want to meet them that bad," he pulled his phone out and typed for a few seconds, before shoving it back into his pocket, "I called them over right now."

I stared at him in shock. If it was that easy, why didn't he just let me meet them before?

"W-What—" "Now will you tell me about this secret date of yours?"

He was still angry, it was obvious. But I calmed myself down, reminding myself that he was, in fact, hurt.

"Sit down first," I instructed. I'd managed to lose the ability to meet his eyes again. I took the glass he'd drank from when he arrived and filled it up with water, waiting as he settled on my small loveseat.

I tried figuring out a valid excuse for not telling him about Jeonghan. I knew it wasn't right for him to control who I dated, but I knew where he was coming from. He was Lee Taeyong, and this was his way to show that he cared.

I handed him the glass of water, motioning him to drink it, but he shook his head.

"You drink first. Your throat must be sore."

I complied, lifting the glass to my lips and taking a few sips. My throat felt a thousand times better. I filled it up again and went to sit next to Tae, watching the glass as if it were the most interesting thing in the world.

"Here."

I turned my head slightly to look at him while handing him the tumbler and I instantly regretted it. He was watching me again. I froze.

He took the glass from my hand and drank, strongly holding my gaze. The glass made a quite thud when he placed it on the table, reminding me that we still had to talk about this.

I turned my attention to his fingers which rested on his thigh. Slowly, I inched my hand closer to his until they touched. Tae instantly interlocked our fingers and I immediately felt better. No matter how much he might have been making my heart race, holding his hand always made me feel comfortable.

"Your arm," I said, "it stopped bleeding."

He smiled, squeezing my hand. "Told you I would be okay."

I didn't know what to say. My heart felt as if it would combust at any given moment.

"Tell me," he pleaded, tugging at my arm slightly. I sighed, trying to come up with something which didn't sound completely stupid and was somewhat honest. "It's just that you— I— you rarely ever like the guys that ask me out and I really liked him, so I just thought that— that it would be better not to bring it up and so I—"

"Calm down." He leaned down to whisper in my ear, "Tell me slowly, it's okay."

I paused for a moment, trying to calm myself down. "You know Jeonghan from the— that ice cream place downtown?" I felt him stiffen. His lips ghosted over my ear and he let out a short "hm". It made me shiver and I prayed he didn't feel it.

"We just, um, went to get dinner. Nothing special."

Tae suddenly pulled back, completely serious. "Would you go out with him again?"

My eyes grew wide. I looked at our hands again. "Honestly? No."

That wasn't a lie. Jeonghan had offered to go back to his place and "spend the night" as soon as we finished our dinner which had immediately made me uncomfortable.

He tilted his head, asking me to tell him why. I looked up at him to find an unamused expression on his face.

"You have to promise me you won't do anything to him." At this, he cursed under his breath and looked away, already knowing that whatever was about to come next would make him want to punch the guy.

"Promise me," I repeated. He looked at me and nodded simply.

"I want verbal confirmation."

He let out an annoyed grunt, but he promised me, anyway. I told him what happened and his jaw clenched.

"Taeyong—"

"This is why I tell you to not date them." He closed his eyes for a moment, before opening them and looking at me again.

"Is there ever a problem when you go out with guys I like?"

Yes. Yes, there is.

"I— well, I mean I guess not."

I didn't even know if he could read me like an open book right now or not, I was in a daze. I prayed to everything holy that I wouldn't accidentally out my feelings for him.

He looked at me, and his eyes softened. Suddenly, he pulled my arm and lifted my leg, positioning it so that I sat on his thighs, straddling him. My thighs were on either side of him and my dress rode up.

What was he doing? I couldn't react, nor could I move. He was way too close to me. Lee Taeyong was mere inches from my face and I was sitting on him.

"T-Tae—"

"Then why do you go out with them?" He asked, looking at my cheeks. I couldn't think, my mind had gone blank.

He pulled me closer to him. I could see the scratches more clearly now.

"Because I— I," I attempted to speak but I couldn't. Not with him this close to me. He looked down to my lips, his tongue coming out to wet his own.

"Can I tell you a secret?" He whispered. My heart picked up it's pace. His voice sounded different when he was this close. I just nodded nonchalantly.

He wrapped his arms around my waist, trapping me in his hold. "I like you."

My breath hitched.

Who said that? Did I say that? No, I wasn't in a state to talk, I couldn't have. Was I hearing things, then?

I blinked in confusion.

"Don't leave me hanging," he chuckled nervously, making me realize what just happened.

Oh. Oh.

Taeyong said that?

I couldn't understand. He looked uneasy but he still wore a small smile on his face. Oh, that smile. Was this even real?

"I—" Again, I fumbled with my words, trying to speak. I couldn't. Oh my god, did Lee Taeyong just tell me that he likes me?

"Hm?"

I couldn't say anything. I couldn't. The feeling in my chest was unexplainable and it had completely wiped out all of the vocabulary in my brain. So I just nodded.

Tae let out a small giggle, and my heart melted. Oh my god, this was real.

"What do you mean by that, baby?"

I swooned at the name. He'd called me that name once before, and that was two years ago when I had caught a really bad bug; but God, I could never get enough of him calling me that. I lifted my arms and gripped his shoulders, bumping our noses.

He hummed again, encouraging me to go on.

"I like you too," I blurted. I still couldn't believe it. I was in Taeyong's lap, confessing to him.

He beamed, lifting his head to kiss both of my cheeks, sending butterflies down my stomach with each. He went up and kissed my forehead, hugging me close against him.

"Thank you," he smiled, breathless. He lifted his hand to hold my cheek, and honestly, I could've burst out into tears right then.

"Are you two done now?"

I jumped. Scrambling off of his lap, I heard someone clear their throat. Taeyong clicked his tongue in annoyance, getting up as I smoothed my dress down.

Two men stood at my doorstep — one had an eyebrow raised and was having a staring contest with Tae, and the other, much taller one was tapping away at his phone.

"H-Hi," I said bowing slightly. Good God, the first thing Tae's friends saw me do was probably the weirdest thing they'd ever witnessed.

" 'Sup. I'm Yuta, nice to finally meet you." The one that was having a staring contest with Tae said, breaking his eye contact with him and stepping closer to shake my hand.

"I got the whole thing on video! The others are gonna' be so jealous that I got to see this in person." The tall one said, finally looking up from his phone. "I'm Johnny."

I looked at Taeyong in panic, and I saw him sulking and scratching the back of his neck.

"You what—" "Introduce us!"

Taeyong cringed, "Well, you two already know who she is, so—"

"Yeah, yeah, we do. Do you still need a ride?" Yuta asked, not seeming interested at all.

"Actually," Tae said, his eyes finding mine for a split second before he looked back at Yuta, "I think I'm gonna stay the night."

"Well, okay. John, let's go." Johnny kept making a weird face at Tae, and to be very honest, I was unsettled.

"Would you guys like some water or anything? You're welcome to stay and rest for a bit if you'd like—" "No you're not, go away—"

"Shut up, Tae. Anyways, you need anything at all?" I asked, shushing Taeyong. Yuta looked at me, and let out a laugh.

"No, thanks. We've already seen enough, we wouldn't want to interrupt anything el—"

I was about to pass out then and there, but thankfully, Johnny dragged his friend away before he could finish.

"oKay bye bYe, it was nice meeting you!"

They shut the door behind them and I locked it close. I heard Tae sigh.

"Your friends are weird." I turned to face him, only to find him walking over to me.

"Yeah, I know." He engulfed me in a hug, burying his head in my neck. "They're such weebs, I don't want the rest of 'em to meet you. You might turn into one of them."

I let out a laugh at that, wondering what he meant.

"I'm sorry I yelled."

I sighed, hugging him back. "It's okay. I yelled, too."

I felt him smile against my skin. "I promise I'll work on the yelling. And on not getting hurt," I let out another laugh. "You'd better." This wasn't a dream, was it? "Or you can go to your tattoo buddies for help next time."

"You're so mean to me," he whined. "Can we sleep now, please?"

"You don't want to change?" I asked, pulling away and leaving him to grab some of his spare clothes I'd taken from his place some time ago. He hummed, following after me.

"I've waited for non-platonic cuddles for four years, so please, hurry up." He said, coming up to hug me from behind as I took out a sweatshirt and a pair of pajamas from the dresser.

"What are non-platonic cuddles?" I laughed, and he mumbled something random as a reply.

There in his arms, after four years of knowing him, I realized that even if Taeyong didn't get to have his 'thing', he had become mine. And there was a feeling of utter joy, happiness knowing that he would be here for a while.

I smiled, scared to wake up the next day, and have it all be a dream. But it wasn't. This was real.

Lee Taeyong was my 'thing' and I hoped that somewhere along the way, I would become his.

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stvllioner · 6 years ago

Note

Hello can i get headcannons for Bakugou, Kirishima, Kōsei Tsuburaba & Sen Kaibara that have a short and sassy S/o?

Bakugou x Reader // Kirishima x Reader // Tsuburaba x Reader // Kaibara

warnings: choking, teasing, spanking.

a/n: i had no idea people liked class b sm but then again im not caught up yet. //le sigh. also this is a s long one,,, thank you anon!

SFW

Bakugou:

constant bickering between you and Bakugou.

he loved you yeah, but always bickering.

“The fuck you say to me?!”

“I SAID WHAT I SAID DEAL WITH IT.”

even just straight up growling at each other.

but you werent always sassy, but fuck did he bring it out into you.

“you remind me of Kacchan’s mum-”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?” You didn’t even let Midoriya finish before he could even defend himself.

Katsuki would only smirk and watch from afar.

did he even here the conversation, i mean he definitely head the yelling, but he was damn proud of getting with someone who complimented so well with his character. he didnt how it was so easy to push someones buttons.

even tho he should know very well by now.

one of the many things he loved to tease you about is your height.

he couldnt remmeber, not that it really remembered but you were something around 5′2-5′3 and it was great for him, still being a growing teen.

he often used your height to rest his arms on or take you up easily in his arms.

“can you fucking put me the fuck down?!” you bark at him over his back, slapping his ass. you were greeted with a more than generous slap to yours that lingered.

“keep acting like a brat and i might just keep you like this.”

you couldnt do much in situations like these except pout and sulk.

you guys still loved each other anyways.

Kirishima:

he honestly fell in love with how sassy you were.

he found it endearing and cute how you easily made sure no one ever underestimated you.

and you kinda reminded him of Bakugou but that was for another time.

it was always such a joy to watch you bounce around in a small dont-try-to-fuck-with- me vibe, considering you were so small.

took opportunities to always boop your nose or crouch down to give you pecks on the lips to see you fume.

“i-i told you not to do that!” you blushed heavily as he just pulls you into his lap, you blush heavily into his neck feeling embarrassed.

“you love it babe.

he was glad that he got a catch like you, you were so manly strong-willed and was always at his side.

he was just glad you loved him even though he didnt seem like your type.

Tsuburaba:

people didnt know how you guys even got together because hed always mock you.

he may have turned you into a tsundere but who cares.

Kosei made it his main duty to annoy and make you laugh.

you spent half of your time either annoyed with Kosei absolutely in love with him.

he handled you so well you didn’t even have to complain.

although he did enjoy the fun of annoying you, he always did prefer seeing you blush and smile because of him.

Kaibara:

doesnt even know how he got you.

him being somewhat chill, while you were ready to defend if you needed.

which is maybe why you guys got together in the first place.

you guys were so alike, people didnt even blink twice when seeing you together.

you guys somehow turned into a power couple? his tough demeanor when needed mixed w your “not taking anything” attitude makes everyone wish to be yall.

youre open ab affection w him bc hes basically like you so its no big deal.

doesnt mean that you guys will do anything extra in public tho.

NSFW

Bakugou:

expect spankings from this boy. bc “Who do you think you’re talking to?”

“You obviously.”

instead of a punishment, it turns into one pleasure.

finger fucks you v slowly bc why not. he likes the feeling of you squeezing him when he spanks you.

“You’re such a slut, can’t keep acting like a brat forever can you?” which is usually followed by a snarky comment made by you.

fucks you until youre absolute mush.

wont hesitate to make you use sex toys in public to punish you.

enjoys fingering you under the table or anything that really makes you shut up.

rough fucks from bakugou is v common.

Kirishima:

this boi really gets angry, but when he does its immediate. find somewhere private and drop them pants and lift your shirt bc youre getting a pounding today.

“You have to stay quiet so no one knows what we’re doing.”

god forbid that he doesnt bite you bc that warning is out the window.

all aboard the dom!kiri train.

usually slow and sensual but now, but now. theres no holding back.

will even face fuck you if he needs to know. hes best boi for a reason.

will also spank you if needed, he enjoys hearing you whimper if he spanks your thighs too.

will basically do anything to get you squirming in his grasp.

Tsuburaba:

fucks you into oblivion.

did you think you were going to get away? no silly.

dirty talk that you didnt know he had in him.

wont touch you in public but will definitely whisper things in your ear to make you blush madly.

will be gone the next second bc hes stealthy like that.

isnt afraid out right eithe, but its so sly that no one catches on but you.

will tease you with blowing on your neck and other spots that are visible on your body.

tugs on your hair a lot.

like mentioned before, lazy sex turned into rough to teach you a lesson.

lets just say you do.

Kaibara:

usually calm, now irked.

the usual soft hum of his fingers are increased and he makes you hold back from cumming.

leaves your a writhing mess if you cum w/out permission.

overstim is his best friend now.

will love to see you in tears, throat sore.

total beast dont fight me.

vibrato dick = living dildo.

doesnt spank you, but grips you v tight.

will choke you if he has too.

bruises all over your body -- youre even blushing when youre trying to cover it up.

but is v good in making sure alright after.

make be prone to going more rounds than usual if provoked tho.

#bnha #mha #bnha bakugou katsuki #bnha bakugou #bnha kirishima eijirou #bnha kirishima #bnha tsuburaba #bnha tsuburaba kosei #bnha kaibara sen #bnha kaibara #bnha headcannons

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asian-hero · 7 years ago

Note

hey its the prev anon (the tumblr eating asks one) yeah thats not mine, can i get a shiro x fem reader with prompt 67? Thank u !! Sorry if it seems like im pressuring u ^w^

this sounds more gender neutral i hope you don’t mind

#67: When One Stops The Kiss To Whisper “I’m Sorry, Are You Sure You-” And They Answer By Kissing Them More

send me a kiss prompt! (vld, tdp, ml, dbh (i’m begging you, send me connor kiss prompt pls))

Your friendship with Shiro was always sort of rocky. It wasn’t that you two hated each other, it was more of a double sided love-hate relationship. You were constantly angry and worried about all of the stunts that Shiro pulled and he was annoyed with how you were always watching him. Ever since you two were little, you’d always hurl insults at each other, trying to see who could say the most vile thing to the other. This occurred so often that your parents, teachers, and other classmates thought you actually hated each other. Of course, this wasn’t the case, and if either of you said something that crossed the line then you’d apologize, because deep down, really deep down, you cared for each other.

That’s why you found yourself in the med bay of the Garrison, waiting right outside of the surgery room that currently held Shiro in it. He had been reckless. The Atlas was losing power and the paladins of Voltron were in a tight spot, not being able to fend off the Galra by themselves. So Shiro, ever the self-sacrificing hero, decided to take one of the MFE fighter pilots and rushed right into the fight. He managed to help take down two of the Galra’s ships, but he was shot down by the cruiser, crashing down right in front of the Garrison.

You remember rushing alongside the medics to the emergency room. Seeing Shiro with blood pouring out of his head, bruises and burns littering his exposed skin, will forever haunt you. Seeing his face contort into one of pain while trying to talk, blood trickling out his mouth as well, is etched into your memory. The feeling of his blood seeping onto your skin and clothes, the warmth that it provided, had now been burned into your flesh, and you couldn’t wash the feeling away, no matter how hard you tried. You know that you’ll never forget when he looked at you, even though he’d been through hell and he was a certified mess, he smiled at you. A peaceful smile, full of warmth and love that, once he slipped into unconsciousness, still rested on his face. That one damn smile was the sole reason of the blood curdling scream that tore itself from your lips.

Looking down at your arms, you took in a deep breath. Although you’d scrubbed away at the blood on your skin and burned the clothes tainted with his blood, you could still feel it linger. It felt like a constant reminder that you failed him somehow. No matter how much your brain tried to convince you that his injuries weren’t your fault, that you aren’t even a soldier, you couldn’t help but think that you could’ve prevented this. Maybe, if you had joined him in the fighter pilot division instead of the medic division when you were younger. If you had been trained to fight in this type of combat, then maybe this could’ve been you, and not him.

The quiet “swish” of the door opening and closing caught your attention. Glancing up, you noticed one of the operating doctors standing next to you. Springing up to your feet, you looked at her curiously.

“How is he?” You croaked out, your voice damaged by your screams earlier in the day.

The doctor smiled at you, activating the door to open it. “He’s no longer in critical condition, but he’s still unconscious. You can see him, if you’d like.”

You nodded your head, not trusting your voice to speak any longer. Stepping inside of the room, you were quick to sit down in the seat next to Shiro. Seeing the rise and fall of his chest, a quiet snore coming from him, made you sigh in relief. Brushing his bangs away from his face, you smiled, gently caressing his face in the process. Looking over your shoulder, you smiled faintly at the doctor.

“Is it okay if I stay here?”

She smiled, nodding her head as she exited the room, leaving you to slowly fall into a light slumber.

———

The sound of sheets rustling is what woke you up. Opening your eyes groggily, you noticed that Shiro’s eyes were finally open. Snapping up, you analyzed his face, making sure that he wasn’t in immense pain. He seemed to know what you were doing, as he turned his face away from you.

“Stop looking at me like that. I’m fine,”

You huffed out in annoyance. “You know, for once in your life can you just shut up and let me worry about you?”

When he didn’t respond, you sighed. Grabbing his face gently, you forced him to look at you. Leaning in, you examined his face once more, making sure that there were no cuts or bruises in more important places. After a few seconds had passed, you slumped back in your chair, tears threatening to spill from your eyes.

“Do you know how stupid you are?”

Shiro blinked, clearly not expecting that from you. “Wow, I just woke up less than five minutes ago and that’s what you want to say to me?”

You crossed your arms, sending a harsh glare at him. “Look at yourself! Do you have any idea how worried we were?”

Shiro sat up slightly, wincing at the pain that shot up his side. “I did what was necessary for the team’s success,”

You could practically feel the steam rolling off of you because you were so angry. Your hands balled into fists, your blunt nails indenting the skin of your palms.

“What if you died? You do know that you’re not immortal, right? I don’t care if you thought that you were ‘helping’ the team, your life is just as important as their’s!”

“They’re our only chance to defeat the Galra! I’m not going to sit by and do nothing if I can help!” Shiro yelled, not looking at you.

You felt your tears streaming down your face freely now. “There are other ways you can help! You don’t have to continuously put yourself in harms way!”

You couldn’t help the sob that ripped through you. All you could think about was how lifeless Shiro looked, how terrified you were when you tried to help him up on the stretcher. Taking a deep breath, you tried to calm down your sobs as you spoke:

“Did you even think about the consequences that would happen if you did die? What would the Garrison do? What would the paladins do?” You took a second as hiccups began to arise, “What would I do?”

Shiro snapped his head towards you, his eyes softening at the sight. He scooted over on the hospital bed, patting a spot for you to sit. You obliged, slowly moving over towards him, rubbing at your eyes in the process.

He gently took your hands away from your eyes, resting his forehead on yours. You looked at him, your face heating when you realized how close he was.

“I’m sorry for making you worry,” He whispered, not wanting to break the peace you two had.

You smiled, shaking you head slightly, causing your foreheads to bump. “I know you are. I also know that after this you’ll still put yourself in danger, so, just, please be careful. For me.”

He stroked your cheek, silently making a promise to you. Leaning in ever so slightly, Shiro slowly moved until his lips were on top of yours.

His lips were rough and chapped, partially due to the cold hospital air. You gripped his shoulders, making sure to not damage him even more so. Carefully, he wrapped his arms around your waist, hoisting you up onto his lap, deepening the kiss. You sucked his bottom lip into your mouth and he groaned, before pulling away slightly, looking at you with concern.

“I’m sorry, are you sure you—“

Instead of answering him in words, you pressed your lips back on his, your nose bumping into his cheek slightly. His hands were immediately on you again, gripping your waist tighter. His tongue pressed against your lips, silently begging for entry. You allowed him to, tasting your shared breath.

You absolutely could’ve done this for an eternity, if it weren’t for the “swish” of the door and a round of horrified gasps. Jumping off of Shiro, you turned around, groaning when you saw who were the intruders.

Standing in the doorway were the paladins, with Lance and Hunk staring at the two of you in shock, Allura covering her and Pidge’s eyes, and Keith, leaning against the door with a bored look on his face. Shiro cupped the back of your head, hiding you in his chest. He narrowed his eyes at them.

“Haven’t you heard of knocking?”

“Haven’t you heard of bed rest?” Keith countered, a smirk on his face.

You groaned, pushing yourself further into Shiro’s chest. He laughed at your antics, pressing his lips to your hairline. Looking up at him, you smiled.

You were thankful for him being alive.

#takashi shirogane #takashi shirogane x reader #shiro x reader #vld shiro #voltron #vld #voltron x reader #voltron imagines

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kendrixtermina · 8 years ago

Text

My Abuser’s been convicted

He’s not going to jail, though he did get a sentence on probation. But he’ll have to spent years working on a remore Island to pay off the fines & debts. It’s as if he were going to jail.

If weren’t if it was just this, like, he didn’t get convicted for the actual abuse but more a peripheral consequence thereof that came back to bite him.

My emotions are kind of in a twist over this & how this fits into the moving on with my life.

TRIGGER WARNING

The Backstory

He’s not being convicted for abuse - indeed, the best thing I can say about him is that he never broke a law. Never left any bruises, never did outright improper touching, kept me fed & provided with material possesions adequate to our overall living standards... and treated all this like it was something he deserved a badge for, or a horrible undue burden I had imposed on him.

He had so little of a personal connection to him, most of what I know about his life I puzzled together from his few non-horrible relatives and what my mom was told. I never knew he played chess though I took an interest in it in third grade which came to an end over a soul-crushing experience. I didn’t know where he was in the birth order ( Second Born - Which makes some things about how my brother and I were treated and even named very creepy) I only recently found out that his father cheated with & eventually remarried a woman my father’s own age. There’s another thing I can’t disclose for ethical reasons, but, he kept humiliating me in situations related to my mathematics grades till he squeezed all joy out of the subject for me and in the context of what I know it proves that he just never had the slightest shred of empathy for me.

Well, a parent is supposed to protect their children from their own bad experiences. Not recreate them out of sadism and jealousy. Heck, Im pretty sure he only f***d my mother to breed smart children that would perform well academically, never stopping about how his family is all academics, alternating between calling me stupid & inept, a lazy waste of talent or a person who was “smart but heartless”. I’m nothin but an object to him. He has:

Threatened that my mom would kill herself if I don’t do his bidding.

He’s forcibly grabbed me and showed his hand into the cleavage of my dress to supposedly show off to my mother how innapropriate the dress was.

Expected me to hug & comfort him after spats with my mother. What am I his girlfriend?

He’s reacted to me being bullied (and once even coerced into undressing by bullies!) by blaming and mocking me. I can still hear him calling me a clown, an embarassment and a “Make-Me-Laugh-Thing” and going on on how I basically couldn’t expect anything else

He called me a “rotten pile of nazi entrails” at age 11 for being unhappy enough to consider running away

He pushed me toward hobbies he liked & then tried to push the same ones onto one of my sisters, essentially “replacing” me post puberty.

He’s continued to threaten to leave us & replace us with adopted children because we’re supposedly such “ingrates”

. If you cry in front of him, he’d accuse you of “threatre”.

I’ve heard my mother cry about how his eyes would never sparkle as much for anything related to his family as they did for his job, how she knew he didn’t love her, was afraid he’d leave her without money & only valued her as a baby factory. He tried to push her into adoption & terrorized her children to pressure her. I’ve come home to constant arguments and objects being thrown around.

When I graduate from highschool a year ahead, he say there was “nothing to celebrate” because it wasn’t all As & proceeded to humiliate me in front of my siblings.

He would frequently tell lies about me to my family (Sometimes I have nightmares about this)

He’s been known to throw me me into walls as a teenager

Once, while he did that, my head very narrowly missed a hard metal radiator. that night, I crept into bed with my mother at the age of 14 because I was so terrified he’d KILL me. Now I know that he never would have, but he kept going on about how everything was dangerous & filled our heads with fear & how we’d kill our siblings if they as much as bumped into hard objects and he said that exact same thing over and over again, “Careful with hitting your heads”.

I was kept locked & isolated from other children & forbidden from leaving the house or going on school trips/ sllepovers until age 11

Blame me for everything that went wrong in the family (including one time one of my sisters - then a toddler! - gave herself a second degree burn. )

Destroyed my favorite toys to terrorize me, repeatedly threatened to kick me out or destroy my computer with all my writing on it

Never read anything I wrote, called it “satanic” and that it was “all lies” because I “knew nothing about people”. Repeatedly shamed me for my introversion & used it against me

called me ugly, crazy, fat, selfish, inept, stupid, a tool, immoral... anything in the book. After a while he noticed that “inept”, “selfish”, “pointlessly rebellious” and “easy to provoke”, as well as terrorizing my mom & siblings hurt the most & weaponized the shit out of it.

Said I would never get laid & how ugly and unfuckable I am. Yes my own father.

Once I DID get laid, of course... well, he didn’t use the word slut but he basically called me a slut.

Bisexuality is a phase, liberalism is a phase, atheism is a phase... I am a phase, because apparently, he gets to decide what the real me is that he supposedly “loves” despite repeatedly equating queer people with pedophiles atheists with nazis and sex out of wedlock with degeneracy.

Tried to have me institutionalized/removed from the family over bogus claims. They ran all possible tests & didn’t find anything, not that I found this out until years later... years that I basically spent resigned that I was some kind of defective mutant freak incapable of bonding with other humans and basically hating myself from ages 9 to 13. (As to how I survived and what happened at age 13, I’ll just say “Art, Sarah and the Internet” and “Neon Genesis Evangelion”, respectively)

The constant condescension, dismissiveness, mockery, and twisting of my words

Et cetera et cetera; That’s only what I’ve been unable to forget.

Think Humbert Humbert if he liked adult women & had his creepy obsession with procreation instead of youth. The exact same self-serving pretentiousness. That’s him. That’s exactly him. It’s like his throat spits acid instead of words; I used to say that if the happiert person in the room listened to him long enough, they’d end up suicidal. Or, if we go for maximum hipster, this hits the nail on the head:

But very later I have learned

To accept some friends of ridicule

My whole existance is for your amusement

And that is why I’m here with you

To take me with your eyes

Given how tumblr’s full of terrible stories of families where sibling bonds were poisoned & people wound up with depression, anxiety or CPTSD I got off pretty fucking lightly with my damn procrastination/self-motivation problem (by the way a very common result of controlling or stage parents.) that I might be kinda sorta getting a grip on. Helps that I had at least one decent Parent.

20 years I constantly felt like I was totally replaceable. The man definitely wanted his money back on me, or whatever stepford robot daughter he expected to get when he first put his filthy dick into my mom.

Every single frustration is his life (that still ended with him being a wealthy, respected Doctor, mind you) he took out on me and the others. But he hated me the most (Though he was pretty shitty to mom and Isabel, too. The others, he simply neglected. Both sucked in its own ways.)

When I was younger, all I wanted with all the inrresponsibe childish stuff I did at times was just for him to get that he HURT me, not for his sake, but my own, to prove that I EXIST have FEELINGs as more than an object basically.

I never wanted his approval or love (I rather had the opposite problem that I felt gross doing thins he might approve of) in fact I felt uneasy around him early on and my first memories of him are of him treating me capriciously and pushing me to be his mini-me. (By contrast my earliest memory of my mom involves songs and funtime in a garden and her explaining to me what a tulip is), but I guess I thought I had to “win” and prove my reality to him.

I read up on narcissistic abuse on the web, I saw an university councellor who implored me to move out, but the decision was mine, when I ascertaind my theories so to speak. I realized that it was not that I was explaining badly or failing to be stoic enough, but that he was provoking & playing sadistic games with me. I was talking to someone who was going “lalala” and using everything I said or revealed as a weapon against me. I was just exhausting my energy there, and making my feeling catharsis & justified depending on his fucking aknowledgement. Thee’s no convincing someone who’s actively refusing to hear.

When I realized that he would rearrange reality to fit is view of being alwys right, saw in full awareness how uch he bent and warped his story to suit his whims no matter what I said, that my revenge fantasies had value of catharsis without having to be implemented in real life, that they were, in fact, wasted on him, I left.

I realized that he was the only one who treated me as worthless and how much my other relatives loved me. I found out that I am perfectly typical specimen of a somewhat uncommon but not altogether outlandish personality type.

On the occasions that we met, I did my best to ignore and avoid him, and he’d try to force me into interacting with him on the pretense of “politeness” and did the usual “Your bad for not forgiving me” shtick.

After a while, I reached the point where I could mostly forget about him and not spiral into this blood vessel popping rage every time something reminded me of him. It was nice to not be mocked or yelled at or have new things I liked spoiled by him. I actually lost a bunch of weight just from all the frustration-induced-comfort-food-binging and family-dinner-avoiding-late-night-snacking i was no longer doing. Getting rid of him must have added years to my life.I’m sure moving out added years to my life But I didn’t want to give up on the things he already spoiled & posoned with impossible expectations, so I was still living with the consequences of what he did to me every day while he wasn’t.

Sometimes he came up as a logical cause - and nothing will change that not even this new developement - even though I tried & reached a point where im bored of discussing him and just want to forget he exist/ not think about him

So what happened

Well, what happened is really fucking poetic.

You can’t come up with this shit.

Sometimes RL writes the best stories and outdoes all fiction, or perhaps fiction authors understand the human condition well enough.

Tax fraud. He’s in trouble for tax fraud. Exept, he frauded no taxes. He pushes all his paperwork, organization and finances off to his wife and has been doing so for years. Can’t even make a bank transaction, never bothered, never lived on his own. Used to call it “traditional family” and “archieving more as an unit” but what it actually is is, he does his job (which he enjoys way more than wife or children) and mom does everything else, including part of his job - not the actual doctorring, but, he ouht to have paid a secretary for everything she’d do. He’d monopolize her for hours to talk job. We had only one parent, except when he came home, then we had zero parents.

Finances, Parenting, Housekeeping, her own job... all this was done by mom. Lazy bastard never lift a finger, and everyone thinks he’s such a hard worker. He sure does he’d never shut up.

So, my mom’s sister got struck with horrible disease, going from a hard working single mother to complete invalid in a matter of months. Terrible injustice, because she was a really good person. So, at the same time, the financial crisis hits spain - no jobs or future for her daughters. no help from their father cause he was a serial deadbeat. So, what my mom did was, reevacuate them all to Germany. They have their own place now, one of my cousins is now a nurse & earning her own cash for the family, but, at first, his meant having four extra people living in our house one of which was running up huge medical bills, two girls, my aunt and my grandma, all eating, showering, needing everyday commodities...

My mom says in hindsight she should have taken a loan but what she ended up doing, perhaps carelessly, was give false numbers on her tax returns. To feed & care for her sick sister and unemployed family members/ now functionally parentless nieces, get the good education and stuff.

She blames herself a lot more than I blame her; It was kind of a “chaotic good” act IMHO, if there’s a price there’s a price I see they can’t have everybody not paying taxes, but, she did it to FEED HER FAMILY, like, people are more important than money. I believe she was justified there (or I guess that’s my chaotic neutral showing).

But - She was beating herself up over this & possibly risking the house loans & getting her husband into trouble - it was his money after all, police came & pretty much raided their house for the money, it’s a wealthy Doctor so they think he pocketed the cash for simple ol’ greed and blew it on gold chains or cocaine or something. Nope. He had no clue. (does he ever? He doesn’t know basic shit about any of us.)

That alone didn’t do it - Instead, I suspect he rather enjoyed his favorite game of playing martyr and my mom, having a conscience, was gonna take full responsibility and accept jail.

But here’s the kicker: They didn’t buy it. No one would believe that he wasn’t in on it, that he didn’t know what he was doing with his own money. They thought he was blaming his wife to save himself. That he pushed everything onto his wife to the point that he has no clue about his own finances seemed so silly they didn’t buy it. Like many times when I complained about him, his level of jerkass was believed to be too ridiculous to be true - It seemed more likely to them that my mom was simply taking one for the team. Personable, humbly pudgy lady, hardhearted slimey smartass who get lawsuits for being callous to patients before? Who’d you suspect of tax fraud? All the times I heard “Well he’s a doctor and you’re just a crazy little girl” turned upon their head.

Irony is he’d never do it. And I say that as someone who hates his guts. Same reason he’ll brag about how women dig him and the children he makes but would never actually cheat - He’s too in love with the idea of his own rightheousness. He’s too proud. It’s what his ego is built on. In contrast to his wife, he’s all about them rules wether they’re moral or not.

And, this is my suspicion because I didn’t wanna pry here, but, I guess he acted like not dumping her over this meant she’d sold him her soul, the usual “ingrate” shtick he pulls whenever he’s displeased- He must have said something outrageous and kellyanne conway levels of reality-bending -

And mom flipped. At least, she says things happened to make her spill things she’d held back long. I’m not sure if she said this or if he arrived at this on its own, but, he seemed to arrive at the conclusion that this would not have happened if he hadn’t pushed everything onto his wife & actually been there for her.

As my mom puts it, lots of stuff came together - an ex-co worker conspiring to run out of an old job, me not talking to him, the tax problem... and he couldn’t find a rationalization other than “You’re an animal and there’s a point to what everyone is saying”, and perhaps for the first time, he saw reality. She says it got through to him what he did not me, and by extension what he did wrong with everyone else. Apparently, things have been rather different since that day.

He’s actually staying out of my way. I don’t have to worry about him inviting himself to my wedding. He’ll be working at the new job he took to collect the money he owes the ministry of finance, but isn’t insisting that my family comes along. So often, he dragged us across the country for his career & took us all away from our friends, but it seems that this time, my sisters get to keep their friends & mom gets to get the new job where she holds a leading position & is well respected. She even said he’d understand if he’s missed that particular train for good.

Also when little Jana came to visit him, he seemed to actually spend time with her & organize a great & eventful holliday for her.

At least, that’s what my mom says. I’m so use to his fake promises of change, his false remorse, and his flashy gestures of ingratiating behavior - How would anyone ever know the difference for sure?

Especially the vacation for the child, he’d dne things like that before (regardless of wether the children actually enjoyed what he’d planned for them), flashy gestures to prove his “goodness”. flimsy words that “everything will be different”.

I just don’t want to engage with it personally.

But you know what makes me believe something changed? Because the person telling me this was my mom, speaking in her own voice - It’s not the dictated Voice Of God(TM), his majesty demanding that everyone accept his version of reality or accept the label of a selfish terrible person.

It’s her own perspective that I’d sometimes hear when she was angry, a perspective that’s more optimistic than mine & wants to see the good in people; She doesn’t agree with me on everything, she still thinks his deeds were the product of ineptitude rather than malice, entitlement and objectification, but, it’s not like I need her to agree with me.

The difference is still startling. That wasn’t his Paradigm or what I had experienced so far at all, looking at me leaving as a selfih capriciousthing I did to hurt them or he helping my fuckup self out and i better be grateful.

She told me instead to convey her utmost thanks to the therapist lady and that moving out was one of the best things that ever happened (!!!), that this was super strong, mature & unexpected of me(aparently she and grandma had written me off as the family spinster and liable to set myself on fire besides XD ...Fair enough, actually, there were quite some misadventures ^^°) That she thought I even looked different since then when my facial muscles weren’t all contorted in anger & more of a glow beingthere (which she attributed largely to my fiancé so far - and sure, he helped. I cannot stress the awesome enough.)

There was a total aknowledgement that I didn’t owe him shit and that the shit of the past justifies my not talking to him, no pressure, no judgement, no hope or expectation that we would ever get along, just - there were more gushy positive things that I can remember right now. I don’t wanna toot my own horn, it’s just what happened.

And I’m not sure what to do about/with it.

What now

It’s a strange feeling and I’m still processing it. I’m only now writing post though I’ve known about it for a few days. I’ve just been doing things, talking to peeps etc....

In true 5 fashion I couldn’t interact with my BF after that and took a long nighttime walk for cooling/processing (I talked to him right after that tho)

It might seem callous - but, I’m unable to feel anything other than callousness towards this person, because else I could not have survived his constant guilt tripping. The dude just activates my eight, if you pardon the typology speak.

All I feel is “Serves you right.” Serves you right for being two-faced, bit ya in the ass didn’t it?

Because, he spent all this time convincing the world he was this perfect person, and now they all believed him, and there’s no way Mr. Perfect don’t do his own taxes.

I understand that it is objectively wrong for someone to be convicted of something he didn’t do. Maybe this is a childish idea of vindictiveness or justice, but, at its heart, that’s not what it’s about. It’s just that in a way it’s a validation of my reality and that I wasn’t making him up, things I kept saying... “If you don’t wanna leave him, then let him do his own laundry for a few weeks”

It’s that it was for years like everyone thought he was perfect and I was the only one who could see his filthy side and now it’s out in the open. I hit him back. I made him understand. I got him to ignore me back/ leave me in peace. I helped my family be treated better - as a child, I had a hard time accepting that I couldn’t do that, that it wasn’t my place and that the last thing my mom needs is someone else asking her to pick sides or telling her what to do. It was a hard, humbling maturation process with ongoing slipups there to, like, detach, and leave it t me siblings & mom what was their business & none of mine and respect their choices.

I stopped caring about the other things, too, at least, when I left. I didn’t want or expect him to ever aknowledge my world, my perception or feelings. It’s kind of some of the things I wanted once but didn’t want to want anymore and even if I did, it’s all burned & charred and I’ll never be able to show that person the trust necessary for an intimate relation, not after all the lies, fake apologies that couldn’t be bought without accepting that he was right bout everything after all, and all the emotional expressions so far being used as tools to hurt & control me. I still have nothing in common with him nor any reason.

After the conversation, I felt... purged, the awknowledgement that I somehow do have power, but at the other hand, this doesn’t really change anything for me.

If he changes - great for him. Great for the family members still attached to him. But I don’t care about HIM, I have to care about me because he never did and nothing changed for me.

The scary shadow that’s embedded itself in my consciousness so much I still hear it after 2 years of avoiding the man (half of which has been spent happily engaged) may no longer have any sort of physical counterpart in reality.

So what does that mean for me? theres not a real enemy to push against. or there may or may not be it shouldn’t depend on tht. its not like i believe or need to believe in automatic karma

All in all, I have a feeling like World War II just ended and the Americans just arrived. On the one hand the bad guy were punished... not perfectly, but enough, hard enough to make them look pitiful, I’ve survived, but everything is still in ruins and irretriavably decimated.

I never want to say never because I aknowledge that it is always possible for me to learn - I thought it was unlikely I’d ever get married and even less to a man, but I said it might be possible, and now ive come across this situation and this person where it makes perfect sense and is totally worth it. If I had said “cia, doesn’t fit my profile” the moment he suggested it, I would have missed this.

Then again, I also hold that conflating 0% sure and 99% sure is one of the great errors of humanity - there is such a thing like reasonable doubt but that does not mean knowing nothing. Knowing almost everything is not knowing nothing. its just a fact of how our universe works sometimes - what is the position & impulse of an electron at any given moment? Can’t say, it’s uncertain to a measurable degree.

We can’t disprove that there isn’t a big pink sucker on the backside of pluto but we have no reason to suppose it either.

And at that level of certainty,have to say I would be unable to forgive the man or even feel anything other than hatred toward him if he wore the crown of thorns

I can’t ever trust him & emotionally reveal myself to him, too often has he twisted my words. It’s not about being obsessed with him either - there’s 7 billion peeps on this planet he’s welcome to make friends with im just not one of them. I’m generally not friends with people just for the heck of it.

I mean, I get it. Mom says she may have been too hesitant to let me go, the counselling lady said something in that direction, I might be biased as her daughter, but, actually, I think she was right in her estimate/ justified in that reluctance, like, I get it, I’m a vaguely shizoid hyperdweeb and peopling is hard for me. Even if this high grade quality snowflake relationship there’s work - as hthere always seems to be, realistically - and don’t have this natural sense for what people expect.

But though I reserve the right to declare this some premature epiphyny just in case and for personal effort, I’m... and a spent a while debating & deliberately decising the word choice here.... beginning to dare think that I might be able to like, handle that & make peace with it like I’ve made peace with my inner unapologetic snowflakey emo child back in my teens.

#emotional abuse #feelings

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