#now we move on to the triple header from hell

[tinseltownie]

wanted to take a second to acknowledge that this is my first real F1 season on tumblr.com and it has been a privilege and an honor to serve with you. From the very first breaking news graphic displaying the most random simulation news imaginable (Lewis in a Ferrari? I have to see it to believe it) to finding Landoscar and Lestappen and falling in love with the fics and the writers, this community has a LOT of opinions but everyone is so respectful and kind and I can't believe we have three races left before the whole thing vanishes for four months. Thank you for being a safe safe safe space

[dear-ao3]

good morning, good evening, and good day. welcome back. outs our second race of the triple header and we are in austria at red bull ring. its a sprint weekend. and everyones haters are in absolute shambles. shit is heating the hell up at the front of the grid. today is july 2, 2024 and lets get right on in

first of all. rude of them to throw a sprint smack in the middle of a triple header weekend. i already have enough things to write about. im going to try not to speed run it and do a proper update though cause oh god this weekend needs it. but regardless.

we start with everyones favorite poor little meow meow, logan sargeant.

now, i didnt include this bit on the last update. but logan aparently did say at the barcelona race that he was going to score points in barcelona next year. which is Intriguing. because as we know, hes not really performing.

admittedly yes hes been dealt a bad hand of cars this season (if you remember all the problems williams had at the beginning with the overheating and the steering wheel and then alex albon raced his car and then he was in alex's chassis that wasnt totally speced to him and then he had old parts and wasnt given the updates and kevin magnussen crashed into him and he finally, finally got the same parts but they didnt work As Well as alex's and yeah. bad time for him overall.) alex albon said in some interview, actually, that logan is actually doing a good job, which is nice to hear especially because the press have been absolutely destroying him. reguardless. we have some logan news.

first and foremost. there are rumors afoot that he is going to go to indycar next year. which is another racing series. specifically that hes going to race with prema in indycar. (i dont know a lot about indycar at all other than that its racing)

now. this all became all the more interesting when logan announced the launch of his own app at the beginning of the week.

now. few things to note here.

the app is called LS2 (two being his f1 number)

its in the williams colors

as someone pointed out on twitter (@ mo_vroom), the app is run by fan capital which is a subsidiary of williams/dorilton. meaning the company (not his brand) is tied to williams

this raises several questions.

first, if logan is moving to indycar he wouldn't be keeping his f1 number, so why did he center the whole branding around specifically LS2 if hes leaving f1? second, the app is in williams colors and is tied to a williams brand. austria is race 11/24. were nearly half done with the season. why go through all the trouble of creating an app for a driver that is centered around his f1 and team branding if hes in fact leaving f1 at the end of the season????

all good questions and unfortunately i have no answers for you. logan did say thought that he is exploring options in and outside of f1 at the moment though

but, we do have contract news.

pierre gasley has re signed with alpine on a multi year deal.

and to the surprise of no one, lance stroll has also re signed with aston martin.

so, there is now one more seat open at alpine for jack doohan and mick schumacher and maybe even carlos sainz to fight out. aparently flavio briatore (who we talked about last week) is interested in carlos. but carlos said during the press conference that the middle of a triple header is a bad time to make a contract decision, especially when it seems like he really doesnt know where hes going. aparently, netflix had a whole extra crew in the paddock on top of the drive to survive crew because they were told that there was going to be na announcement that carlos was going to williams. this obviously did not happen and many people were aparently confused. this is reportedly because flavio is at alpine now and he must have said Something to make carlos reconsider.

theres also rumors about the alpine engine supplier. they might break away from renault. pierre has stayed neutral on it.

the max to mercedes rumors are also back and they are back with an absolute vengeance, mostly because jos verstappen has been talking to the press again.

aparently, jos was going to drive an older red bull, the RB8 at the legends parade event thing in spielberg but he withdrew because according to him (jos) "i heard from several sources that christian horner did everything he could to not let me drive. then i thought: say it to my face. i find it very disappointing." in a separate interview he also said "im completely finished with horner, its like a kindergarten here."

jos then came out and told the press "there is so much going on, so i dont want to say too much about it."

the press then clarified "so a switch to mercedes is not out of the question?"

"correct" said jos.

max is terribly not impressed with all of this. "its not fun," he said. "not for myself, not for my father, not for Christian and not for the team. you dont want these things to happen."

christian also put in his two cents on the Mercedes rumors saying that "the driver who has created all the movement in the market (lewis) had all the information about the engines and 2026 regulations and chose to leave mercedes." meaning max would be insane to go there.

christian also said, "if toto wants to have a verstappen in the car next year, then jos might be available"

toto, unsurprisingly, also had things to say. "horner said that he will stay. lets see, he leave him with this idea...we'll see if the w15 will be a car that can convince max. i think its max who wins the races and not red bull. the rb20 is solid, but perez isn't doing well. its max who makes all the difference."

max though has squashed the rumors of him going to mercedes saying that "we're working on next years car and the thing is that when you are very focused on that, it means that you are driving for that team."

so it seems that max is staying at red bull, but tensions are still high. remember this later :)

kimi still seems likely for mercedes, though lots of people think thats insane because just cause max came into f1 young and succeeded doesnt mean that everyone will. i think ive talked about this tho

and then we also had helmut marko once again being insane and self contradicting in the press.

first, he said that liam lawson is going to sign with vcarb "soon" which we've heard several times now. aparently the shareholders have said that "this is a junior team and we have to act accordingly." marko also said that "The aim was for him [daniel] to be considered for Red Bull Racing with exceptional performances. This seat now belongs to sergio perez, so this plan is no longer valid. we will soon have to put a young driver there [at Racing Bulls]. That would be Liam Lawson.”

the bit about daniel is interesting because it sparked some speculation that daniel might night even be finishing the season at vcarb. will buxton said as much during the race weekend. this weekend was daniels 250th race start. but also, helmut is not to be trusted, as we know. and as evidenced by what he also said below

then he later came out and said that liam would join audi as daniel would be staying at vcarb until 2025. daniel has also said that he has no other options for 2025 other than vcarb

meanwhile, zhou has said that if there is not an open seat for him in 25, he is happy to become a reserve driver because “I think to be a reserve driver would be interesting if they can promise a seat is available for the coming seasons."

i think that that about does it for the contract talk.

so here are the open seats as they stand:

red bull: 0 ferrari: 0 mclaren: 0 mercedes: 1 aston: 0 alpine: 1 sauber: 1 williams: 1 vcarb: 1 haas: 2

moving on. the shenanigans of the week

the first two are actually from last week cause im decently sure i forgot about them. if not i apologize you had to read this twice.

so, last week:

the schumacher family was blackmailed by some criminals saying that they would release sensitive information if they did not pay the criminals 50 million euros . michael schumacher as you may or may not know was involved in a skiing accident in 2013 (14?) and is still alive but the family have chosen to keep any further information about his condition to themselves and out of the spotlight (which is respectable) and for the most part people have respected this, until now. the criminals were aparently caught and arrested.

and second some fans started a petition that leo leclerc (charles dog) is not receiving proper care from charles and his girlfriend alexandra. frankly, idk what the purpose of this was. i think people were concerned that he was only being used for pr reasons? aparently alexandra responded and was annoyed about the whole thing.

but back to this week

first up we have mark webber. who the hell is mark webber? he is an ex formula 1 driver, he was on the grid from 2002 - 2013 and raced for minardi, jaguar, williams (where he was nico rosberg's teammate and was the one to start calling him britney (98% sure) and red bull (where he was terrorized by young sebastian vettel winning his world championships). hes a self proclaimed "proud heterosexual," world endurance championship winner, and oscar pastry's manager.

so george russell posted this video on his instagram

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by George Russell (@georgerussell63)

its of him, his girlfriend carmen and his trainer aleix working out. and low and behold, who commented on this but mark webber:

first, yes, that is his real account handle and yes, he did call carmen a bride. carmen and george have been dating for i think five years, but they are not engaged. so at first everyone was like. hello. mark webber? are you announcing george's engagement????

but no. turns out bride means girl/girlfriend or something along those lines in australian slang (im not australian and i cant find the actual definition anywhere so either correct me or just take my word for it) (actually update on this, i asked my tumblr following what the hell he meant and y'all said that bride just means bride in australian. so idk what the hell mark was talking about, what the hell sir)

this is not the first time mark webber has left cryptic comments on people's instagrams though. just earlier this month he left this one on jenson button's instagram:

whatever that means.

anyway, speaking of george (discussion of food and dieting and that stuff ahead if you dont want to read it skip to the next colored heading) i believe it was last race that george's race engineer told him that he had gotten heavier and george in response aparently made his diet a little more strict. drivers as you may or not know, have to stay at a certain weight in order to compete. george is tall, and taller drivers always suffer due to this because they are taller so naturally they weigh more. george was already on a stricter diet to begin with and hes already incredibly slim. this is also not the first time that stuff like this has happened at mercedes. in 2015/2016 nico rosberg did all kinds of crazy stuff in order to cut weight in order to beat lewis hamilton (cut the paint from his helmet, cut his socks, took bits off of his seat, stopped cycling to loose some muscle in his legs etc etc) though im decently sure he was the one to initiate that (?) and bottas also aparently faced similar things from the team itself when he was at merc and now george is as well. which is not great. at all. (all of the drivers have a trainer and then at least one additional person who does their nutrition and meals and stuff so they are still supervised in what theyre doing and get weighed pre and post race but still its not a great comment to make and it clearly had effects)

oscar piastri's mom nicole was back at it again on twitter

kevin magnussen and nico hulkenberg watched the euros together

mercedes posted more throwback pics of nico rosberg and toto talked about the time mercedes put their logo on the red bull bull at the red bull ring

logan and alex were menaces in the paddock with a ping pong ball

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Williams Racing (@williamsracing)

someone from williams, fred vasseur and another person from williams (?) all raced to the track on either practice day or media day i think it was practice day and went too fast through a police speed trap and had to meet with police about it. james vowels talked about it in his usual unserious manner

and i cant find the source but aparently lewis called sebastian to ask him about his old race engineer, ricciardo, who lewis is aparently considering to make his race engineer when he moves to ferrari next year.

max was late to the press conference by quite a lot (15 minutes) and was aparently sprinting through the paddock to get there

logan was aparently called the "slowest driver" by an interviewer and said in response "thank you very much"

logans bad parking job from last week was also debunked. it was not logan who parked the car badly, it was alex and logan took the blame for it because david coulthard assumed that logan had done it.

and charles was talking about who he would form a band with in f1 (he said himself on the piano, lewis singing and lando on the guitar). when asked what the band should be called, carlos said "just an inchident"

alex albon continues to be insane on the team torque podcast, saying this week that if he had a tattoo it would be random like a duck making eggs or something. logan seemed concerned about him.

and lando is aparently still sick. he was kinda sick last week and it hasn't gotten better. he said that it is not hindering his ability to drive, he just doesnt feel great. i think he might ave actually said that it makes him drive better?

and with that. we're into sprint qualifying.

for the sake of the fact that the rest of this weekend is bonkers insane and i have a lot to cover, were going to keep the whole sprint brief. sorry. also not sorry.

so i didnt watch the practice session. sorry, i was at work. aparently max had a car problem, thought this theme isn't new cause he complains all weekend as of late and then pulls out a pole and a win.

this is also the shortest time length track on the calendar (meaning lap time not lap distance) which makes qualifying difficult due to traffic. despite this. everyone still wanted to step right on each others toes during qualifying.

and no one was more upset about this than ted kravitz, the pit lane commentator.

"the session starts! i'm all excited!" ted exclaimed over the radio. "ive geared myself up! im standing in my styrian wood bird watching hut at the end of the pit lane waiting to count them out. we've got a green light right in front of me. and then nothing! what am i gonna do? my julie andrews impression? give you a round of the hills they are alive with the sound of music? *singing* ah ah ah ah! anyway. well. nothing to do."

the cars did eventually come out.

mclaren had brought an upgrade to their front wing and suspension, which was unsual to do first in a triple header and second in a sprint, but they were confident. vcarb also had a "hodgepodge" of new and old parts on their car as they tried to sort out their upgrade problems from last week in spain.

two interesting things happened in q1. first, logan sargeant got out of q1 which is fantastic news and the second time hes done this during a sprint qualifying. alex albon, his teammate did not get out of q1. for the second time this season, logan out qualified alex.

second, yuki had an insane spin and then save right at the end of the session

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Formula Reels (@f1reels_)

logan ended up out in q2 in p15. and both alpines got through to q3 yet again.

q3 was between both red bulls, mercs, ferraris, mclarens and alpines all battling for the top 10 spots. naturally the best way to go about this was to wait in the pit lane until the absolute last second to get out of the pit lane and hope that you have no problems and set one really flying very fast lap.

well at 3.5 minutes to go and still no cars out george russell said what everyone was saying: 'lets get cracking mate, everyones gonna send it out."

pretty immediately the mercs came out at the 3 minute mark, everyone else followed.

now. you have to do one whole lap (your our lap) before you can start your flying timed lap. as long as you finish your out lap before the end of the session, you can start your flying lap. ideal time for an out lap was one minute 30 seconds. and it was very tight for some people.

too tight for charles leclerc. heading out of the pits he had an engine problem and had to pull to the side, allowing checo and i believe the two alpines to go to the side as he tried to literally restart the car. he got it restarted but did not get to the line in time to start his flying lap. so he did not get to set a time and would start in 10th.

"what the hell happened guys?" charles asked over radio.

"we fixed (took?) the anti stall" the team said.

"uh, thank you but the anti stall kinda stopped the engine. the engine switched off, i dont know if you noticed. there was no engine. the ignition went to off. i had to redo the whole thing."

so charles was not pleased and it was seemingly yet another ferrari goof. it couldnt possibly get worse for them, could it? idk stay tuned.

the main thing we saw in qualifying though was that checo was pretty consistently half a second off of max's pace. which isn't fantastic. especially considering hes re signed a contract with them.

and so they lined up for the sprint the next day:

max on pole followed by lando and oscar. then george, carlos, lewis, checo, esteban, pierre, and charles rounded out the top ten. then we had kevin, lance, fernando, yuki, logan, daniel, nico, valtteri, zhou and alex started from the pit lane due to set up changes.

there was an aborted start at the beginning, meaning they did an extra formation lap and the race was reduced by one lap. this was due to photographers behind the barriers at turn 1 aparently.

right off the line the mclarens were fighting. well. sorta. not like fighting fighting like spain 2016 fighting, but definitely racing eachother. they kept swapping spots 2 and 3 back and forth and even were racing side by side at a few points.

this was fun to watch of course but as the announcers said "mclaren must hake sure they do not loose time fighting eachother" because they had to still get past max before he blew past everyone.

fortunately, max was only half a second ahead and the mclarens had drs.

lando managed to pass max on lap 5, but then max passed him back and while max was passing lando, oscar also managed to pass lando and take second. and oscar managed to stay within DRS range of max until lap 12.

and while that fight was happening, we also had a battle between the two alpines. they were not even fighting for points, they were down in 11 and 12 and going absolutely toe to toe. so much so that our friends the announcers said that "i hope we dont see any confetti made out of carbon fibre between these two." alas. we did not. yet.

back up at the front, oscar was being hard on his tires and lando was gaining on him. he wanted to make a lunge on him. but he already had two strikes for track limits and had to be careful so he didnt get a penalty. oscar stayed in the front and in the words of our friends the announcers "piastri seems to have found his mojo again."

back in the back, alex albon had somehow ended up in 18th and ahead of both sabers despite the fact that he had started in the pit lane. he had not managed to get ahead of logan though, who was in 17th.

and also, fernando alonso, who got shoved off the track by nico hulkenberg and ended in 16th, had not managed to find pace in the car once since he had resigned with the team. aston Martin was absolutely nowhere.

so the race ended. max, oscar, lando, george, carlos, lewis, charles, checo, kevin, lance, esteban, pierre, sui, nico, daniel, fernando, logan, alex, valtteri and zhou.

checo ended up finishing 18 seconds behind max. mclaren were five seconds behind max.

"that was spicy, but good," max said.

"a good race between us...can definitely give them a fight tomorrow" lando said

martin brundle also said to "give that boy a honey lemon drink or whatever" about lando when he got out of the car cause he looked a little more dead than usual

"will definitely take the points, its a good haul between us compared to the other teams." oscar said, ever the shade monster. he was of course talking about red bull, who only took 9 points between max and checo, whereas mclaren managed to take 13.

george also said in his own post interview that "norris and verstappen always get their elbows out. i'll sit back and watch."

i know were zooming but i promise you it will all be worth it. lets talk about real qualifying now. and again, we're speeding.

as we know, its a short track. i dont think if i said this already, but there are also a fuckton of gravel traps. meaning that if you go off the track you go into the gravel. this is to enforce track limits and also make things spicy.

there were also many many zooms on jos verstappen. hm.

q1 showed some disappointments. like when lewis put on a fresh set of soft tires and only managed to go 6th fastest when martin brundle rightfully pointed out that "on fresh tires lewis should be electric on this track....[this is] worrying on fresh tires."

another disappointment was checo down in 12th and just barely scraping through to q2, "on brand spanking new soft tires." again, worrying!!! especially with mclaren slowly closing on red bull in the championship.

and to no one's surprise, williams. they had changed around the set up of the car a little, but ultimately didnt have the pace because alex and logan were both out in q1.

"we did a good job with the car, we just dont have the pace," alex said.

"we know our limitation and this just isn't it, its such a shame man" logan said.

q2 also brought out more disappointments, like aston martin who managed to get both cars out in q2. "what is going on at satin martin?" martin wondered. "theyre the 8th fastest team, ahead of sauber and williams." yes. haas and alpine are both faster than aston.

and the french civil war continued because esteban got through to q3. pierre did not

and daniel missed out on q3 by .01 seconds

q3 started off pretty boring. but let's check in with the pit lane.

"ted! what had you got for us down in the pit lane?"

"I've got no cars."

eventually the cars did come out, and they didnt all wait until the last possible second this time.

continuing with our trend of disappointments, charles decided to take a trip into the grass for funzies. "i think i broke everything under the car," he said.

also oscar had his fastest lap time deleted for track limits. mclaren tried to appeal it because oscar didnt gain an advantage from it. but the appeal was rejected. had his lap not been deleted he would have started 3rd.

to no one's surprise, max was back on pole position. lando was four tenths behind him.

"been awhile since we've been on pole" max said jokingly in his interview. I think it's been 2 races since hes been on pole, lol.

"max is in a league of his own...ill take [second]" lando said in his post race interview. "i'll do a better job than i did this morning."

and george rounded out the top three. he was thrilled. "3 races in a row where we are in the top 3 with me and lewis," george said. though he didn't try to oversell the team, who still has a lot of ground to make up "our race will be behind us," he said. meaning that he would have work to do to keep people behind him.

and during all of this, yuki said a slur over the radio. it was r*****. the stewards took note of it and he recieved a 40,000 euro fine for it. however, upon it being explained to yuki what the word meant, he was apologetic and felt bad, saying that english is not his first language (its not, and hes also not fluent in english, he just speaks it, which is different. this is also not the first time that this has happened with yuki i think there was an instance when he called christian a motherfucker awhile ago cause he didnt know what it meant) and he offered to issue a public apology. this reduced his fine to 20,000 euros if he didnt do it again this season. this is not the first time that a driver has said a slur over the radio but i think that this was the first time they were held accountable for it.

so. the moment we've been waiting for. the race.

but first! a brief look into the recent past! it's relevant i swear!

lets look at the 2019 Austrian gp.

it was the final few laps of the race. charles leclerc was in his maiden year at ferrari and was hunting down his first race win, it seemed very possible,

it was lap 68. charles leclerc was leading the race and max verstappen attempted to pass him in turn 3. somehow charles was able to maintain the lead.

on lap 69 charles was not as lucky. he did not defend the inside line and max took advantage of that. he forced charles wide, almost shoving him off the track and they both banged wheels. fortunately there was no damage. unfortunately max was able to take the lead from charles and won the race. charles would not get his first f1 win until 4 races later in belgium.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by SOFIA (@sofiasf1diary)

ultimately, max did not think that he had been at fault or done anything wrong at all in this incident. (remember, this was still in the years of mercedes dominance, max had no championship titles yet but was getting slowly closer and closer towards the top of the pack)

after the race max said:

-“It’s hard racing otherwise we have to stay home. If those things are not allowed in racing, what is the point of being in F1? "

-"I don’t think we should get a penalty for that. I never opened [the steering wheel] but the problem is that in that corner there is a crest, so when you then go a bit deeper at such a tight angle you just understeer because of that crest."

-"The car on the outside he has to wait a bit because we went quite deep. I never opened the steering wheel. I was in front. He just had to cut back on me but he tried to go around the outside which is not possible."

charles was not in agreement with any of this.

-“I’ll let the stewards decide but for me, it was pretty clear in the car. I don’t know how it looked like from the outside.”

-he was also asked if he thought what max did was fair and he said “I don’t know. I was on the outside, like the lap before, the lap before was completely fine, he left the space for a car width on the exit of the corner but he didn’t on the other lap so we touched and I had to go wide, and then obviously I didn’t have any chance to pass back so it’s a shame.”

the key thing here is leaving space. it comes up a lot. you are supposed to leave a cars width of space so that you dont force people off the track and/or they have room to pass.

max did not get a penalty.

this is also what caused charles and later max to unfollow eachother on instagram. they have not followed eachother back.

so with that in mind. lets also take a brief look at the 2021 abu dhabi gp.

this race was insane for many reasons, not all of which i will get into. but what you need to know is that it was the last race of the season and the title fight between max and lewis came down to this last race. lewis was fighting for a record breaking 8th world champion title. and max was fighting for his first. heading into the weekend they both had exactly 369.5 points.

and boy, was it an insane race.

max was on pole position, lewis started p2.

lewis immediately took the lead from max, but max attempted to regain the lead in turns 6 and 7. he braked late into the chicane and under the braking moved from the inside of the track to the outside of the track to overtake lewis. lewis got forced off slightly and said as much over the radio. he came back on track further in front of max than he had been before. red bull argued that lewis needed to give the position to max, saying that lewis left the track and gained an advantage. this did not happen as the stewards ruled there was no further action necessary. hamilton pushed ahead, still in p1, to extend his lead. max did not get a penalty.

max pitted on lap 13 and lewis pitted on lap 14. checo perez had pitted a few laps before and was out in front when lewis and max rejoined the circuit, with max still a considerable distance behind lewis. checo was told to hold up lewis as much as possible to give max time to catch up. by lap 20 max was only 1.3 seconds behind lewis (instead of the 11 that he had started at), though max was still unable to pass and lewis extended his lead again.

there were a series of crashes and retirements a few laps later, kimi raikkonen crashed into the barriers, george russell retired due to gear box issues and and antonio giovinazzi also retired due to gearbox issues. that caused a virtual safety car. red bull brought max in for fresh tires and did not lose track position. lewis was not brought in for fresh tires. the gap between max and lewis reduced from 17 seconds to 11 seconds.

then the chaos ensued.

a safety car came out on lap 53 due to nicholas latifi's crash. hamilton stayed out. max pitted for soft tires. checo retired under the safety car.

there were notably, five lapped cars (lando norris, fernando alonso, esteban ocon, charles leclerc and sebastian vettel) between lewis in first and max in second. there were other lapped cars further back in the pack. sometimes when this happens during a safety car, the lapped cars are allowed to overtake the safety car and go back to the back of the line to resume their order. they were initially told not to do this. then, the stewards said that only the five lapped cars between hamilton and verstappen could overtake the safety car. the rest of the cars had to stay lapped.

the safety car came in just as vettel unlapped himself for the final lap of the race.

this is where we get the very angry toto throwing his headphones picture from.

on the final lap of the race, max passed lewis at turn 5. lewis tried to overtake him again but ultimately failed.

max won his first championship title. lewis came second.

there are a lot of back and forth radios in this race between toto, lewis, max, christian and race control. both teams were literally trying to do everything to get their driver through to the lead, especially towards the end.

toto was understandably pissed about the lapped car call (if that had not happened lewis would have won) and tried to get race control to reinstate the order that was originally behind the safety car. in response, toto was told by race director michael masi (who called for the safety car unlapping) "toto, its called a motor race, ok? we went car racing."

there were a lot of protests from mercedes about the safety car procedure (all of the lapped cars should have been able to unlap or none of the cars should have unlapped is what they called for, basically because thats what's in the rules) and all of that which is interesting but unfortunately not relevant for what we are talking about. if you want to read about then, they are here. ultimately, mercedes was not successful in getting the result of the race turned over. many if not all of the drivers were in support of hamilton and thought that the safety car decision was ridiculous. michael masi ended up being forced to step down as race director and several changes were made to the rules because of this race. but ultimately, nothing was overturned and max won. this was the end of the mercedes era of dominance as the next year was the introduction of the cost cap and their car was absolutely shit.

now. with all of that said. lets get into the 2024 austrian gp

as im sure you might have already speculated. it was really something.

but it did not start out that way.

(as a very irrelevant aside i want you all to know that i am waiting to board a train right now and it is massively fucking delayed because of course it is so ive whipped out my laptop and my handwritten notes and hunkered down in the train station to bang this thing out. a bitch (me) is committed)

so. Importantly. this race can be won or lost in the pit lane. it's a 20-21 second pit normally, and drops to 10 with a safety car. remember this. its a surprise tool we will need later.

so right out of the gate in lap one charles and oscar had contact, causing charles to loose most of his front wing. charles had to pit and it was a stupidly long time he spent in the pit box (12.8 seconds). logan sargeant also pitted for some reason, i never figured out quite why. but charles came out in 18th and logan came out in 20th. upsetting on all accounts. this absolutely fucked charles's race as he was almost 40 seconds off the lead before lap 10

while that was happening, the mercs were fighting. well. sorta. george was running in 3rd and lewis was running in 4th. on lap 3 lewis passed george but then george passed him back. lewis complained over the radio that george was holding him up. they did not swap drivers.

then we had lando, pretty immediately, get fastest lap. he was 2 seconds behind max and hungry for redemption after the sprint race.

alex albon managed to pass charles leclerc. yes. alex albon in a williams, the second slowest car on the grid, managed to pass charles leclerc in a ferrari. it would appear the monaco curse is getting revenge on the fact that it didnt strike in monaco. martin brundle was beside himself. "this is not representative of the ferrari," he said.

anyway. we had both of the haas drivers pit on lap 11 to get out of a drs train that had been forming (remember its a short track, sometimes you have to pit to get out of traffic). immediately after exiting the pit lane, kevin started fighting with nico, who was right in front of him. they managed to pass eachtohter 2x in a lap. kevin was pretty instantly told to save his tires over the radio. he retaliated asking if nico had also been asked to save his tires or if it was just him. he was told that both of them were told this. "fuck that" kevin said.

by lap 17 max was in lapping distance of charles. charles came in to pit. this was his second pit stop already.

fernando shoved zhou off the track on lap 21, shoving his front wheel into zhou's back wheel. he later got a 10 second penalty for this. "what the fuck is he doing there?" zhou asked over radio. albon and ocon managed to get past zhou for 13th and 14th position.

lewis pitted on lap 22. he was right in front of oscar who snitched on him on radio. "i think hamilton crossed the white line on entry," oscar said. and he was right. lewis got a 5 second penalty for this.

carlos and george pitted on lap 23. lando and max pitted on lap 24. leaving oscar in the lead, but he still needed to pit.

lando argued over the radio that max nearly drove into him in the pit lane. "he launched right into me....i couldnt turn into the box." the stewards ruled that this needed no further investigation.

oscar pitted on lap 26.

so by lap 27 after everyone had done at lest one pit we had this order:

max, lando, george, carlos, lewis, oscar, nico, checo, kevin, daniel, fernando, alex, pierre, zhou, yuki, lance, valtteri, charles and logan

toto decided that this would be a good time to come on the radio.

"lewis theres everything to play here, everything to play."

whatever that meant.

ferrari were very delusional optimistic. and by that i meant that they told charles over the radio that all was not lost and he would get into the fight for points eventually. he was still in 18th. and he made another pit stop (his third!) on lap 34.

"he's not going to get into the points like this!" martin said, making fun of ferrari

"he's on plan z martin said," also making fun of ferrari

while charles was getting his hopes and dreams crushed for the millionth time, we also had the french civil war heating up once again.

there was a proper drs train forming from 10th to 13th spot. we had daniel, fernando, esteban and pierre all running very close to eachother. pierre, at the back of the train, was not pleased with estebans driving.

"he's gotta pass fernando faster, we're loosing time now," pierre said on lap 34.

perhaps this was relayed to esteban, perhaps it was not. either way, both of the alpines managed to pass fernando on lap 36. it was a clumsy pass because pierre, as he was going around fernando was also trying to get past esteban.

in any case. fernando was impressed. or perhaps feeling sarcastic.

"wow!" he said, over the radio.

pierre was less than impressed. "what the fuck what was that? why did he just run me off the track?" pierre said about esteban

fernando then pitted and served his time penalty.

and in the middle of all that, checo got a 5 second penalty for speeding in the pit lane.

by lap 40 max was complaining about the tires. "i dont know what's happening but the tires are suddenly very bad" he said. this would continue for awhile, but remember its a short track. so unless he wanted to come out in the middle of a ton of traffic and lapped cars, he was going to have to deal with his shitty tires.

a few more people had pitted, putting esteban into 8th and pierre into 9th. on lap 41, pierre finally managed to get past esteban in some very very classic, french on french violence.

"a little bit unnecessary," martin said. "but great fun for us."

"what's bruno going to do?" ted said, still being insane. (bruno is the alpine team principal. "sack ocon again?"

pierre was entirely unbothered

alex albon was under investigation for....something. not sure what cause i forgot to write it down. but he got a 5 second penalty for whatever it was! probably crossing the white line or pit lane speeding,

meanwhile, max verstappen was wondering very loudly why he had not pitted yet on lap 45.

"i cant hold this for much longer, mate, behind" max said on lap 48. he was referring to the two lapped haas cars behind him, which were 8th and 9th.

in the meantime, other people had already started to come into the pits, including pierre, george and carlos. george took the fastest lap on lap 49, really getting some good use out of his new tires.

"tires are shit man," max said on lap 51. and maybe they were tired of hearing him complain because they brought him into the pits.

lando, who was still in second in case you forgot, also pitted.

remember when i said that the race would be won or lost in the pit lane?

max had a lead on lando of i think about 7-8 seconds at this point.

max had a slow stop. one of his rear tires got stuck coming off. he was in the pit box for 6.5 seconds.

lando was in the box for 2.9 seconds.

"ooooooooooh my god," max said as he pulled back onto the track. the gap between him and lando was now under 2 seconds. and there were no lapped cars between them.

around the world, everyone sat up a little straighter. shit was about to get far more interesting.

so it was lap 53. and here was our order.

max, lando, lewis, george, carlos, oscar, nico, kevin, daniel, checo, pierre, esteban, alex, lance, yuki, fernando, valtteri, charles, zhou and logan

lando took the fastest lap on lap 54.

lewis pitted and served his 5 second penalty.

lando had DRS on max. he was .7 behind and lets remember that there are not one not two but three DRS zones on the track. it was time to go racing.

and racing they went. at points they were driving through the traffic of the lapped cars, but they were still going for it.

max was beside himself on the radio. aparently his car was acting up. "its like theres something wrong with the car man," he said.

15 laps to go.

max and lando were still battling.

you might be asking, where the hell is checo in all of this??? why is he not trying to help max??? well that would be because he was stuck further down the order, battling with kevin magnussen in a haas. yes he was battling a HAAS.

max's race engineer tried to give him suggestions for engine modes and gears. max said no.

lando was .4 behind on lap 58.

on lap 59 lando was given a black and white flag for track limits. meaning that if he went off the track one more time he would get a penalty. a 5 second penalty. lando's best option was to get around max now and hope he could build a 5 second gap so that he could still maintain his lead.

on lap 60 lando managed to pass max, but he went off the track so max went back through to the front. this could have been landos final track limits strike. he could get a 5 second penalty now. and he likely would.

lando was .5 behind. he was noted for track limits. he was on track to get that 5 second penalty.

10 laps to go.

lando was running out of time to pass max.

he tried to pass him on lap 63. max went off the track trying to hold the position.

lando thought that that meant he should get the position because max had left the track and gained an advantage. max was not of the same mindset. "he forced me off again!" max said. "thats not how we overtake!"

is anyone else starting to smell abu dhabi 2021? no? well maybe you will in a second because on lap 64 max and lando had contact. max didnt leave a car length of space and moved while braking, sliding to the outside of the track. lando got shoved off and both cars ended up with a puncture.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by GrandPrix (@grandprix)

are we smelling abu dhabi 2021 now??? what about austria 2019???

people were insanely divided over this. who was at fault? was it max? he moved under the braking which is against the rules! was it lando? why did he go for that line and not take some curb? did max even see him? was it just a racing incident?

in the post race show, jolyon palmer had some interesting insight into the incident.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by @f.1godfather group 🇨🇵💡 (@f.1godfather)

he is right. the no moving under braking rule was created For Max because max was consistently doing it. and since hes been consistently 20 seconds ahead of everyone its been awhile since we've had to see him drive this defensively.

in any case. max ended up doing a slow lap on basically 3 tires, came into the pits for fresh tires, got a 10 seconds penalty and came back out in 5th. lando also made it back to the pits but ended up retiring because he would have lost too much time.

we had some insane quotes from the both of them after this.

first, max was told over the radio that he had been given a 10 second penalty for the incident. he was not impressed with this.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by FORMULA 1® (@f1)

after the race, max said many things. including but not limited to:

-"its stuff you dont want to see happening. its as simple as that."

-"yeah, of course we'll talk about it. at the moment i think its not the right point, its better to just let things cool off ideally."

-("you could have let him by. you are leading the championship") "i could also stay hoe. im here to win. not finish p2."

max also though, did not put the blame on lando at all.

christian horner though, did. "lando was due to get a penalty and it felt like he was over ambitious" he also thought the 10 second penalty was harsh for max.

the post race show also speculated why red bull didnt tell max to cool it with lando on the track because lando was set to get a 5 second penalty anyway and wouldn't have been much of a concern.

later, max got 2 penalty points on his super license for the incident.

there was also talk from will buxton about how "what does it say about f1 if max is resorting to gray areas to keep the lead?" however, as jolyon pointed out, max still qualified 4 tenths ahead, won the sprint and had pole in the sprint and the race.

lando also said things after the race that included but were not limited to:

-"i gave a fair, respectful, on the edge battle, but thats not what i got in return"

-"if he says he did nothing wrong then ill loose a lot of respect for that. if he admits to being a bit stupid and running into me and being a bit reckless...then ill have a small amount of respect for him"

-"he was doing things youre not allowed to do and not getting penalized. i expected a though battle against max. i expect aggression and track limits and that kind of thing, but all three times hes doing stuff which can easily cause an incident. it seemed a bit desperate from his side."

hilariously. most this was all said while they were standing within like 3 feet of eachother doing their own interviews.

and, even more hilariously, toto said later on to sky sports germany that lando was going to be flying in max's jet with him after the race.

so, you might be wondering, if lando and max crashed into eachother, who the hell won the race?

well, someone was running in third. and that someone was george russell.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by FORMULA 1® (@f1)

toto said that while george was under a heavy braking zone, at over 300kph and later george said he almost crashed hearing toto's voice come through his radio.

so on lap 68, here was our new order:

george, oscar, carlos, lewis, max, nico, checo, kevin, daniel, pierre, charles, esteban, lance, yuki, alex, valtteri, zhou, fernando, logan

gorge was also a very safe 3.1 seconds ahead of oscar.

and he won! george russell won the austrian gp! the last time that mercedes had won a race was in 2022 in brazil, which was George's maiden win! (lewis, btw, has not won since 2021)

"it's fallen into his hands, but he made sure he was ready to scoop it up!" martin brundle said.

his post race radio was a tad insane:

"YES! YABADABADO!" he shouted. "its not over till its over!"

and of course the intro pose returned

the cool down room was as chaotic as you might think it was.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by FORMULA 1® (@f1)

and george, the insane bastard practically manifested this win himself. "i knew lando was pretty fired up after yesterday," he said. "and you have to be there to pick up the pieces."

oscar was also pleased with his podium, as was carlos. they also accidentally told oscar that silverstone was his home race which he quickly denied. this is hilarious because he has made nearly every race his home race, but somehow draws the line at being british.

haas also, very surprisingly, managed to equal their best ever f1 finish, p6 and p8. and in the post race show they were talking about how insane it was how well the two of them, nico and kevin, are working together and how exactly opposite it is to pierre and esteban.

and there was a general consensus that checo was being absolutely no help to max all weekend. he battled a haas pretty much the whole race and ended in 7th.

max, by comparison, did a slow lap on three tires, had a crash, had a 10 second penalty and a slow pit stop, and still managed to finish 17 seconds ahead of him. checo has scored 8 points in the last 3 races. max has scored 81.

does he deserve the contract he got? could we still see a swap? is daniel going to get his shot or is he going to leave vcarb? whos to say.

in any case. we've now had 5 different race winners from 4 different teams only 11 rounds in. the gap between p1 and p2 every race is closing from upwards of 20 seconds to under 5 seconds. and charles is back having the worst luck known to mankind.

we've got ourselves a proper championship fight that is only going to heat up next week in silverstone.

goodbye and good riddance, stay groovy, and ill see you all next week o7

Sorry i tried to scroll past but, i know nothing about f1 other than max verstappen is fast, my dad doesnt like lewis hamilton, fast car goes in a loop and sometimes expodes. Could you give me a crash course in f1 drama? Im very intrigued. Whats the tea as it were?

a terribly loaded question, but i will do my best. i’ve talked about some of the drama before like the red bull second seat and the chronicles of haas but allow me to briefly try my hand at explaining the nightmare that is the upcoming silly season

under the cut we go

silly season is when the drivers go through contract renewals, extensions and switches. usually it’s confined to the first half of the season (march-july) but it has been known to extend all the way to the last race of the season and they like to switch people around at random sometimes. driver contracts are complex, there’s a lot of money involved and basically You Are The Face Of The Team so if you have a shit season then you make the team look bad. but at the same time you could have a shit season because you have a shit car. it’s sticky stuff.

so. there are only twenty seats in formula 1. 10 teams. each team gets two drivers. (there’s also reserve drivers but we’re not going to get into that). who ends up with a contract is largely up to the teams, they can pull the contract out from under people they can also cut you mid season. they’ve done it before.

of the 20 drivers on the grid, 14 of them have contracts expiring at the end of the year. yes. 14. you see how this could get complicated.

so let’s meet the teams.

red bull racing. they came first this year (and last year) in the championship. like aggressively first. like they won the championship by over 350 points. they are definitely the team to beat. but if you end up with a seat at red bull, you do have to deal with max verstappen being your teammate and he won all but three of the races last year. he’s the golden boy. red bull are also notoriously silly when it comes to contracts and famously swap people mid season who aren’t performing.

mercedes. merc is home to 7 time world champion lewis hamilton and they have won the championship a great many times, though not since 2021. they are kind of in their flop arc and their car the last 2 years has been pretty garbage, but they have still made it work because they were able to come in second last year.

ferrari. god help the poor little meow meows with a ferrari contract. ferrari is a notoriously great team and they’re trying to get back to the top again but their strategy every single time has fallen short. to the point where their drivers are the ones doing the strategy in their cars while driving. they came in third last year and have been decently consistent at getting first in qualifying and then getting beat by max verstappen on race day.

mclaren. they’ve definitely worked their way up over recent years. they ended fourth last year and have had some championship wins before but not nearly as many as say merc and ferrari. their team ceo (owner? director?) is a little interesting and their car started out a pile of flaming hot garbage at the beginning of the year but they did manage to get their shit together.

aston martin. they are owned by canadian billionaire lawrence stroll, father of lance stroll (one of the drivers for the team). they’ve undergone several name changes over the recent years (force india, racing point, etc). they positively slayed at the start of the season and then one day they sucked. they finished fifth in the championship.

alpine. the frenchest french team. they’re (i think?) still partially owned by the french government. both of their drivers are french. (their drivers also hate eachother but we’ll get to that. just know they’re in the middle of a modern french civil war). they had the opportunity to have a good rookie driver (oscar piastri) this past year but in a thrilling twitter battle, he publically flamed the shit out of them and went to mclaren instead (and slayed). they're usually solidly middle of the pack. they ended sixth in the championship.

williams. williams has been one of the back of the grid teams for the last many years but they have finally started to get their shit together and don’t quite suck as much as they used to. all of the points this year were scored by only one driver though (except one but we’ll get there). they came in seventh.

alpha tauri. they are the sister team of red bull. so technically redbull owns both teams (meaning they can swap drivers between teams. they like doing this.) they’ve just kind of been There for awhile but they did slay towards the end of the season when one of their drivers led the race for several laps. basically tho, this team is the gateway to redbull. they came in eighth.

alpha romeo. recently renamed to stake f1 team (but sometimes they are going to be called kick sauber. this is a whole other drama post and i’m not getting into it). they’re also just kind of there. generally unproblematic. seems that really great drivers who get ixed out of a contract for a younger driver end up here or young drivers who are in their early years are here before they go to a better team. they ended ninth this year.

haas. oh haas. goofy team. they suck. point blank they suck. they keep loosing sponsors because they suck, they don’t win ever (one time they came first in qualifying last year). they cursed themselves in australia in 2018 by not tightening their tires and its been downhill ever since. they came 10th. their team principle got let go (fired?) who’s to say today.

so those are the teams. it is important to note that:

-there is a cost cap. each team is allowed to spend no more than 135m per year.

-not all cars are equal. some things are standard. they all undergo the same testing. but the cars are all very different. so you can be a good driver but stuck in a shitty car. which makes it impressive if you are doing well in a shitty car.

let’s meet our drivers!!!

starting with the guys who’s contract is not ending in 2024:

max verstappen. 3 time world champion. 26 years old. general beast on the track. he dominated the whole season. he’s currently racing for red bull and has a contract with them through 2028.

lewis hamilton. 7 time world champion. 39 years old. he drives for mercedes. he will not leave mercedes until he retires. he really really wants to win an 8th world championship and is willing to stick it out a few more years as long as merc still believes in him. his contract expires in 2025.

george russell. the other merc driver. 26 years old. hes aggressively british and says thinks like blimey unironically. walking meme. got his merc seat in 2022 right when they entered their flop arc by getting his tractor of a williams to finish second in qualifying in the middle of a rainstorm. his contract expires in 2025.

lando norris. mclaren driver. 24 years old. he has notably never won a race in his five years of formula one (mostly because right when his car finally was good enough max verstappen was 20 seconds ahead of anyone) but he is regarded as Very Good. he has only ever driven for mclaren. and even though there is another year left on his contract there is mass speculation that he will not renew his contract with mclaren after it expires and he may move up to one of the top teams (red bull, merc, ferrari) (tho i think he doesnt hate himself quite enough to go to ferrari). his contract expires in 2025.

oscar piastri. the other mclaren driver. 22 years old. this was his rookie season and he positively slayed. like people compared his rookie season to lewis hamiltons rookie season. he also had the positively funniest start to his rookie year because alpine announced that he would be driving for them (he had been their reserve driver and in the alpine academy) and he posted a tweet that basically said yeah thats false i never singed anything with you and im going to race with mclaren instead (he dodged a bullet) and then alpine tried and failed to sue him for $4m USD. he signed a contract extension with mclaren this year and his contract expires in 2026.

lance stroll. aston martin driver and son of the aston martin owner. hes doing ok, tho there was conspiracy that he wanted to quit and have a tennis career awhile ago. but basically since his dad owns the team it seems that hes guaranteed a seat for as long as he wants one.

so now. moving onto the good shit. the people who have contracts expiring in 2024. hold onto your hats people.

charles leclerc. (everyones favorite slutty little soup can). 26 years old. he is currently at ferrari and he has been since 2019. notably, he was given the longest contract in the history of ferrari after a stellar rookie season at sauber (renamed to alpha romeo, renamed to stake f1) where he got the tractor of a car consistently into the points. having the longest contract in the history of ferrari was a flex at the time, but now its likely how he will introduce himself at therapy sessions. ferrari have fucked this man left right and center up the ass with a plastic lunchroom spork. hes talented, he can drive, and he can drive well. but the strategy that ferrari has absolutely sucks. either something is wrong with the car (see him blowing out his gear box on the formation lap in monaco, his car completely crapping out and spinning into the barrier in brazil before the race even started) or they fuck up his pit stops or put him on the wrong tires and honestly its just frustrating. but will he leave??? likely not. you'd have to pry ferrari out of his cold dead hands and at this rate that might be where this is headed though there has been some minor speculation of him going to another team like merc or red bull, but merc doesnt have any open seats and red bull is a whole other dumpster fire of drama. ferrari are going to have to pay him a boatload of money to make him stay.

carlos sainz. the smooth operator. 29 years old. ferrari driver. previously carlos was at toro rosso (renamed to alpha tauri), renault (renamed to alpine), and mclaren before signing with ferrari. he has been at ferrari since 2021 and has voiced that he would like to stay with them for however long he can. there is speculation that lando might replace him at ferrari (but landos contract is not up until 2025) and there is also some speculation that alex albon might replace him. while charles is clearly the golden boy at ferrari, carlos is slightly slower but also definitely consistent. he was THE ONLY non red bull driver to win a race this past year, in Singapore after max verstappedn was knocked out of qualifying by alpha tauri reserve driver liam lawson (more on him later) and because he basically came up with his own strategy in the car while he was driving.

sergio perez. aka checo. red bull driver. 33 years old. and oh boy here's where we open the can of worms. checo was previously at racing point (renamed aston martin) and it was very near the end of the 2020 (?) season and he was out of a contract. he had a bonkers race where he was knocked to the back of the grid and then overtook everyone and somehow ended up winning (there is more to that story but just trust me) and christian horner, red bull team principle, mr ginger spice and definite disney villain called him and said congrats sir you have a seat at red bull! well. fast forward. hes been causing problems. problems as in crashing a lot, generally not doing great and pissing the crap out of red bull. it is basically guaranteed at this point that he will not be getting a contract extension. there was actually talk this year of him losing his seat mid season to one of the alpha tauri drivers, because remember, red bull owns both teams and they can switch them whenever they want to (and they have!) but ultimately this did not happen. even though checo has a seat at red bull until the end of 2024, its mass speculated that he is going to get switched with an alpha tauri driver, probably daniel ricciardo (more on him shortly) mid season because there is a speculated clause in daniels contract that says that if checo isn't performing well in the first few races daniel is getting his seat.

daniel ricciardo. 34 years old. alpha tauri driver. man oh man what a guy. outside of being the prankster of the paddock, he has one of the most batshit careers of anyone currently on the grid. he started out at red bull and was showing real talent and skill and was on track to win things (and was!) and was there until the end of 2018 when max verstappen (his teammate) started getting preferential treatment and also red bull started having a lot of problems with their engines (which were being outsourced from Renault (now alpine) and another team on the grid) and well very very long story short he made the surprise move of the century and decided to sign with Renault (which makes no sense they're the one with the engine problems) and was there for 2 years before moving again to mclaren where he was reportedly not treated very well and had a hard time driving the car so they mutually ended his contract with them early and he basically retired at the end of the 2022 season and became a red bull reserve driver. then halfway through the 2023 season alpha tauri ixed one of their drivers, nyck de vries, because he wasnt doing well and promoted daniel back up to a full time driver at alpha tauri (which we know is only a step down from red bull) but then he broke his hand in a crash in zanvort (?) and then he was replaced for a few races by formula 2 driver liam lawson (who we will also talk about) and then he came back to finish out the season in alpha tauri after he was cleared. daniel has admitted openly that he never should have left red bull and he was given bad advice to do so. hes towards the end of his career at this point and its well known that he Really Really wants to finish out his career at red bull again. he and max have already been teammates before and they do work well together and daniel is great driver (see his comeback in texas (or maybe it was brazil?) this year). so. Pretty Sure that daniels going to get either an extension at alpha tauri or go up to red bull. thats what we all want. get this man in a red bull we need him there biblically.

liam lawson. now technically liam is not actually a formula 1 driver. hes a formula 2 driver, but he was daniels replacement for five races and there has been some speculation and some confirmed news about him so hes getting included. when he was racing for f1 he was at alpha tauri. hes 21 and looks like he belongs in the movie grease. no one was expecting him to slay in formula 1 and he positively knocked everyones socks off. the scene: Singapore. which, if you'll recall, is the one race that a not red bull driver won. this was largely because liam lawson slayed the absolute game in qualifying. the qualifying part of racing determines what order the cars start in on the grid for the race and theres three parts, the first two parts the bottom 5 drivers each time get knocked out and then the top 10 complete for the last 10 spots. liam lawson knocked BOTH max verstappen and checo perez out of qualifying in the second round by going very slightly faster than them, effectively fucking up red bulls race and allowing carlos to win. and he also scored points in that race, which no one was expecting. now thats all fine and dandy, but here's the speculation: hemlut marko (im pretty sure) (who is somehow decently involved in the decision making at red bull though i couldn't tell you how) said that he thinks that liam lawson will be in an f1 seat no later than 2025. meaning that he will probably get offered a contract this year. and hes already raced for alpha tauri. red bull have sunk a good amount of money into him. they clearly want him. so if he gets offered an alpha tauri seat in 2025, that means theres a good chance danny rics is going to red bull. do you SEE how the plot here is THICKENED

yuki tsunoda. age 23. currently at alpha tauri. and fun fact, the only alpha tauri driver to race there the whole year. he had three separate team mates. he is slaying and hes often slept on. he has a bit of a temper and likes to shout on the radio and also hates working out (they had to force him to move to italy or something to work out, long story) but hes been kinda killing it. he led several laps in the abu dhabi race this year and hes decently consistent. people think theres possibility that he could get moved up to red bull on account of the fact that he is younger than daniel and clearly has more years in him,, but there is also possibility that he might not because red bull like to make stupid decisions. and if he doesnt get moved up to rebel, will he stay with alpha tauri? we don't know.

alex albon. age 27. currently a williams driver. alex albon is another one with a batshit career. he started out his rookie year in 2019 at alpha tauri then got moved up to red bull halfway through the year when red bull decided that pierre gasley wasnt doing a good enough job (more on him later) and stayed with red bull for a solid year and a half until he lost his seat in 2021 to checo. he has been with williams for the last two years and is basically carrying the team. like. williams as a team scored 28 points this year. and alex albon scored 27 of those 28 points. and as we know, williams is still kind of in their shit arc (though they are doing much better. they didnt score any points for a solid 2 (?) years. so this is an improvement.) and if you can get a shit car to perform you catch the eye of bigger teams. now, alex has already been a red bull driver. and he was on the cusp of podiuming two separate times when lewis hamilton ran into him. this (among a few other things) basically killed his chances at getting resigned at red bull because he wasnt ""performing"" and red bull are bitches who love to win. but some people think that red bull should give him another shot. like daniel, hes already been max's teammate and he can definitely drive. but theres also talk he might go to ferrari because ferrari think that he might compliment charles's driving style (or something). but going to ferrari at this point is kind of suicide. so.

logan sergeant. age 23. the only american on the grid. the other williams driver. he just finished his rookie year. he scored a grand total of one single point this season, in texas, and it was because charles leclerc and lewis hamilton both got disqualified because the floor of their car had more wear (by literally less than millimeters) than it was allowed to, bumping him up from 12th to 10th. he has never done better than alex albon. he was also the very last driver to get a contract for 2024, with williams waiting until i think december of 2023 to announce his contract extension. clearly, hes on thin ice. but people have also said that he needs time to get used to formula 1 (other people have pointed out that oscar piastri slayed his rookie season this year and this statement about needing time is largely false). where logan ends up next year though will largely depend on how well the 2024 season goes for him.

fernando alonso. 42 years old. many people like to point out that oscar piastri is actually younger than fernando's racing career. he won tiktok creator of the year (somehow) and is also a 2 time world champion. he retired a few years ago, just to show back up again and slay. during the first half of the season when aston martin had a zoom zoom car he killed it, and then they had problems on top of problems and he didnt do well. except for that one race in brazil where he came in third, beating checo by literally .05 seconds. he hasn't really made any hints about retiring a second time and he is kind of carrying aston Martin right now (he scored 205 points this season, coming in 4th and tying in points with charles leclerc, lance stroll only scored 74 points this year.) and they did have their best year yet this year. (though they are relatively new).

pierre gasley. 27 years old. french. drives for alpine. the french team. previously he raced with toro rosso (now alpha tauri), then got promoted to a red bull driver in 2019, then halfway through the season they decided he wasnt doing a good enough job and he got demoted back down to alpha tauri. then he won a race with alpha tauri just to stick it to red bull. after the great oscar piastri contract twitter war, he was signed as alpines second driver, with Esteban ocon being the other driver (more on him soon). estie bestie and pierre (both french) were childhood friends and now hate each other for unknown reasons and basically feuded on the track for most of the season. french civil war at alpine. he scored 62 points in 2023 and came in 11th. not really sure where he will end up, it is possible that he will stick it out at alpine.

esteban ocon. 27 years old. also french. currently driving for alpine. another one with a silly bonkers career. he started out at force india and had a baller few seasons there but his teammate at the time was checo, and checo didnt really cooperate with him too much and caused some drama that cost estie bestie some places and some points. max verstappen also beat him up in the garage once. thats not really relevant but it did happen. anyway, after the owner of force india was arrested for .... i don't remember what maybe it was embezzlement or bankruptcy or something money related, the team was backed by lawrence stroll and became racing point. but all of that happened mid season and lawrence was basically like look ill back you guys for now but next year my son gets a seat (lance) so one of you two (checo and estie bestie) have to go. and ultimately they let estie bestie go even though he was more consistent because checo had more sponsors and they needed money. so he was out of formula 1 for a few years (but was a merc reserve driver) and then went to Renault, which then became alpine. he did come in 12th though overall this season, just behind pierre. so. will alpine keep both him and pierre and keep the civil war going? whos to say.

nico hulkenberg. 36 years old. haas driver. in his 200+ f1 races he has never been on the podium and he really really wants to be on the podium. unfortunately this will never happen in a haas because haas fucking sucks. and everyone knows it. he is getting towards the end of his career though. though! stake f1 will become the mario Andretti and audi team in 2026 (don't question it) and they have supposedly voiced interest in nico. so we will see if he hangs on that long to end up at audi. for now tough, hes definitely hating it at haas. though, haas are going to have a different team principle next year so maybe that will change things. i have a sneaky feeling through that haas will probably end up with another 2 rookie drivers because everyone else is smart enough to not race for them.

kevin magnussen. 31 years old. haas driver. hes another deeply interesting character. he has had one podium. in his rookie season. in his first race. and none since. kevin started at haas in 2017 and then left at then end of 2020 when he basically got kicked off because the team needed money and they wanted to bring in drivers with more sponsorships. these drivers were mick schumacher and nikita mazepin. so kevin basically was forced to retire after the 2020 season. this went decently well for haas. until russia invaded ukraine right before the start of the 2022 season and, well, nikita was Russian and it was never distinctly proven that his dads company (who was sponsoring the team) wasnt also funding the invasion. so nikita got fired and they were literally like 2 weeks out from the start of the season, down a driver. who are you gonna call? kevin magnussen! and hes been back ever since. but hes clearly getting annoyed with haas. there was one great clip from this year where his car caught on fire and he kind of just stared into to, clearly hoping it would burn for a long time. so the likelihood of him extending his contract is looking slim.

valtteri bottas. 34 years old. currently a driver for stake f1 (alpha romeo, kick sauber, whatever you wanna call it). previously, he was a mercedes driver and notoriously helped lewis hamilton win a great many championships, until he lost his seat to george russell in 2022. there was a rather awkward part of the 2021 season where valtteri knew that he was out of a merc seat the following year and kind of just chose violence. he slayed. then he went to alpha romeo, grew a mullet and made a calendar of his ass. quite the glow up if you ask me. hes also very interested in cycling. honestly though, i have my own personal speculation that hes going to retire at the end of this year.

zhou guanyu. 24 years old. driver for stake f1 (alpha romeo/kick sauber, etc etc). hes doing alright. he just finished his second season, in his first season he was majorly out qualified by valtteri but this past season he managed to out qualify him a good 6 times. which is decently good for the tractor of a car hes driving. its possible that he could get a contract extension, but like logan, its probably going to depend on how the 2024 season goes for him.

and thats all the drivers. theres also a few others i didnt talk about, like some other f2 drivers who want seats and mick schumacher, who is currently a merc reserve driver, all of which could be contenders for f1 seats. but one things for sure. this is going to be the silliest fucking silly season.

feel free to add on and peer review me

[landinoandco]

Hey could you do one with max verstappen, where the reader a fight about him not helping around the house (witch he doesnt do because he is just tired from working hard but the reader dont know) so they yell at max and he suddenly walks away but then they find him crying in bed, because hes overworked and feels like hes never gonna be good enough at being a driver and the readers boyfriend. And feels like he can only dissapoint the reader, his dad and cristian. But the reader comforts him. Tnx

Because I'm not good enough...

Max Verstappen x Reader

Warnings: angsty

Word count: 2 k

Requests are open :)

You were sat at the dining room table, staring out at the empty seat in front of you. Your arms crossed across your chest and your lip in between your teeth. You had been sat there for an hour - in the grand scheme of things an hour didn’t seem like such a long time but it was his final warning and an hour was just long enough to allow for your anger to boil over.

Dinner was in the fridge - the same dinner you had cooked an hour ago, your phone lay screen up on the table - the same phone you used to call Max two hours and a half hours ago, he told you he was on his way home. Home whilst you were in the UK was 25 minutes away from the Redbull HQ. This was becoming a regular occurrence, some nights he would come home so late that you had already taken yourself to bed. The atmosphere in the house seemed to freeze over whenever he was around even though you were yet to come out of summer, there was something hanging over the pair of you - unspoken feelings and as of now a red hot anger that threatened to escape from your usually composed nature.

Ever since the championship had taken a turn in the favour of Redbull, Max had started to become much more distant. It started off with him not inviting you along to the races, leaving on the Wednesday before race weekend and sometimes not seeing him until the following Tuesday and that was on a stand alone race weekend. On the triple headers, it could be nearing two weeks until you two were spared 5 minutes alone and even then it was a brief conversation before he rushed back to the factory or to train.

You thought you knew what you signed up for and since yours and Max’s relationship and that was three years ago so you thought you had seen it all - been through it all with him, witnessed every high and every low. This was a new territory and you knew that if it wasn’t tackled soon -

The click of the door lock echoed in the hallway, you straightened in your seat - eyes locked ahead of you and your knee bouncing.

Max sighed loudly and wiped his hand over his face, it had been a long day - he had been at the factory up until Christian had invited him out to lunch, it was nice to catch up with his boss and Max felt like he owed the man so much; guiding him through the years that had led up to the moment they found themselves in. Max felt like over the past years he had matured as a person, sometimes still short tempered but being an F1 driver it wasn’t necessarily a bad trait. After his lunch with Christian, his dad had called him - the less said about the conversation the better. By the time you had called, the last thing he wanted to do was come home and risk upsetting you. He had taken himself on a run - to clear his head and focus on what he was going to say to you because he felt like something definitely needed to be said.

He also owed a lot to you, you had put up with so much over the years and standing by his side even when he had made a mistake - although you were very quick to tell him when he was in the wrong. You seemed to be on his level, a blunt and forward look at life - there was no time for dawdling about when you had things to be done. Life was short and there was no time to waste.

Recently however, he was putting so much pressure and stress on himself about work that the hours slipped away from him and so did the time spent with you. He felt the atmosphere change around the pair of you - as though he was always walking on thin ice, the cracks beginning to show. The guilt he felt was nothing like he had ever felt before, all he wanted to do was talk to you but he was scared of pushing you away - which is ironic because not talking and letting the pent up anger build up was having the same effect. He was never that good when it came to talking about how he felt - as much as he wanted to he felt as though he would be a burden and that he would put too much pressure on you. He could never tell you what he really felt like inside. It was embarrassing, he knew that a professional athlete should never feel what he felt. It weakened him and having weaknesses in a sport like Formula 1 was not an option.

Max shrugged his coat off and walked through to the main room of the apartment - the room where you were sat waiting to pounce as though he was your unsuspecting prey.

He offered a tired smile, in response he got a sneer. Swallowing hard, you felt the anger take over, like some monster escaping from a cage.

“I have been sitting here for an hour, Max -” You shot to your feet, pointing at the table, your voice cracked slightly. “For months, you’ve been leaving me - it’s me who’s been cooking for us both, cleaning, washing - everything, Max. By myself.” You were shouting now, your heart threatening to break free from your chest. Max just stood there, a blank expression on his face - his gaze fixed to the ground. “I don’t understand what went wrong, Max. We were happy, hell, we spoke to each other. Now, I’m alone. In fact, I may as well be alone if this doesn’t change.” The words had fallen out of your mouth before you had any time to consider them - or the consequences. Your eyes went round with shock and you fell back to your seat. A loud silence filled the room.

Max, too, had not expected the words that had initiated the silence. He opened his mouth, eyes still on the ground, then closed it again before raising his head and looking you dead in the eye.

“You don’t mean that.” He managed to mutter, barely being able to raise his voice any louder. He felt a tired emptiness, this was the last thing he had wanted to happen.

“That’s all you have to say to me.” You rounded on him again, angry tears threatening to fall from your eyes.

“No - I -” He stuttered, then closed his eyes, inhaling slowly, “I just don’t think we should talk things through whilst you’re angry -” He saw you about to interject, when he raised his hands. “You have every right to be. That’s not what I’m saying. I think we should wait to talk about it so we don’t say things we are going to regret later.” Max could feel his throat constricting, he was battling to keep his emotions at bay.

You sniffed and nodded slowly, placing your head in your hands - hot tears escaping and shoulders tensed.

Max swallowed thickly, his eyes swimming with tears. He made a move and after no interruption left the room. He had only made it to the stairs before he collapsed, the fatigue getting the better of him. He was such an idiot, a fact he was certainly aware of now, how could he have let things get this bad. Did that make him a selfish person?

He couldn’t hold it in any longer, a harsh sob escaping from his mouth - fingers shaking and his head a loud mess.

As soon as Max had left the room, you had gotten up to get some water - when you paused, a sound catching your attention - a deep sounding sob. You waited, a line appeared between your brows. Slowly and carefully, you inched towards the door - waiting with baited breath for the sound again.

It was coming from the stairs and there was only one person it could be. Regret instantly pooled in the pit of your stomach, you hadn’t meant for him to cry. You were just so angry and he needed to know that.

“Max.” You called out softly, unsurprisingly there was no response. You went in the direction of the stairs and hunched over in front of you was your boyfriend - attempting to stifle his sobs. You rushed forwards, placing your arms around his shoulders and pulled his body into yours. Instinctively he wrapped his arms around your waist. You kissed the top of his head, stroking his hair as he continued to cry - you allowed him to empty his emotions out; some tears of your own betraying you entirely.

“I’m sorry, I really am.” Came a muffled voice. Pausing, you released your hold of him and placed your hands either side of his face - offering him a watery smile. Then, using your sleeves you wiped his tears away - he watched your every move, waiting for you to say something. When you didn’t, he braced himself - lips trembling; he knew it was now or never. He had to tell you how he really felt.

“I’m not good enough.” He stated simply, his eyes glossy. Your forehead furrowed. “I’m never going to be good enough to take the championship, I’m going to let everyone down. Everyone that has ever believed in me - it doesn’t matter what I do, how much work I put in - I’m never good enough. And you -” He paused, meeting your gaze, a lump forming in the back of your throat. “I keep letting you down, time and time again. I was the one who caused this, I’m never going to be good enough for you.”

“If you believe that -” You began, kissing the newly formed tears away, “Then I will eat your race shoe.” You moved to sit next to him on the stairs, pulling him into your side. “Why didn’t you tell me that’s how you felt.”

You felt Max shrug, the side of his head resting on yours. “I didn’t want to burden you with all of my problems, you already put up with so much.”

“I will always have time for you, Max.” Grasping his hand in yours, “You are enough, you are more than enough. You are Max Verstappen, the fastest, strongest guy I know.” You chuckled lightly, “I know it may sometimes feel like that and that’s ok. You are putting yourself through so much - maybe, it’s time to give some consideration for your personal life. It’s unhealthy to work all of the time - then we run into issues like these.” You spoke softly, almost whispering but you could tell he was hanging onto every word you spoke. “I love you, Max. I don’t know what I would do without you.” You admitted, turning your head to look at him. He chewed on his bottom lip, processing your words.

“I love you too, more than anything.” He murmured, placing his forehead on yours. You lifted your head slightly to leave a soft kiss on his nose, earning the corners of his lips to quirk up.

Closing your eyes, you relished being in his arms again, to have him close to you. You had missed it. You had missed him. Both of you knew you had a lot to work through, that it wouldn’t simply disappear but both of you were going to do it together. Hand in hand. And that was more than enough.

[formulanaughty]

you should do the toto seb overstim stuff as a continuation of the seb x merc driver because ᵘʰʰ toto said something mysterious and then left ... like bro... join ? perhaps they bicker about aftercare because seb actually has feelings and toto just thinks he knows what’s best (and like tiny feelings but it’s probably the fact that he’s the boss and is in control of everything)

(ok i realized when i re-read my first little teammates blurb that i made it seem like at the end that they aren't? teammates, but let's just pretend that never happened. seb and reader both drive for mercedes under toto as TP!)

sv/reader/tw - not proofread so my apologies for inconsistencies/issues. i don’t care that much. it’s 3.5ish k of smut (and some plot). i think i like it? idk. threesomes are hard.

warnings: threesome, toto is bossy (almost to a fault), i didn’t put enough seb in (i’m Sorry), overstim, orgasm control (?), spitting, crying during sex, sub drop (if you squint - i tried not to make it too heavy), there’s aftercare!! (lmk if i’ve missed anything!)

It had been two weeks since Toto walked in on you and Seb.

Two weeks of brilliant driving, of front row lockouts, of champagne-soaked Sundays.

Two weeks of denial.

You had played every card you had with both men, tempting them to break and give in. You'd met Seb in his driver’s room after a spectacular qualifying session that he had just barely beaten you in, stripped down to your sports bra with your underwear pushed aside as you laid back on his couch, two fingers sliding in and out of your cunt. He had taken one glance at you and laughed, bending down to pick up your sweaty fireproofs and race suit before tossing them in your direction.

“Get out,” he commanded, and you were too stunned to fight him. Your rage grew with each passing moment as he watched you fumble to put on the wet fabric.

“Fuck you,” you spat, the words venemous as tears pricked at the corners of your eyes.

When you entered your own room, just down the hall from his, you couldn’t get your hand back in your pants quickly enough, the shame of his offhand dismissal burning you from the inside out. The orgasm that ripped through you was vicious and you came with a shout, the sound easily disguiseable as one of rage. It wasn’t enough - not even close - to quell the need that built within you.

Toto had joined your private flight from one track to the next and you ended up in his lap as soon as the “fasten seatbelts” sign shut off.

He had grinned, looking down at you with amusement. “What is this?”

“You’re smarter than that Toto, you know what this is.” To prove your point you rocked your hips, sliding your covered core over his thigh.

He waved the stewardess away wordlessly when she approached with bottled drinks and made no move to touch you. “What this is,” he said, voice already stern, “is you beginning to directly disobey one of my orders.”

“Who says I haven’t already disobeyed your orders?”

He leveled you with one of his signature looks of disapproval, eyebrow raised and frown lines prominent.

You climbed off of him, arousal giving way to anger.

“Fuck your rules! Do you realize how stressful it is? Why do you think Seb and I ended up fucking in the first place? We need something to let off some of the pressure of being a fucking Mercedes driver!”

“You think being with him will last?”

“It’s not about being with him. It’s about relieving some of the stress that you put us under!”

He gestured wide with his arms, laughter almost mean. “You’re welcome to leave, sweetheart, but we both know you won’t. Sebastian was offered the same thing when the pressure first got to him and he stayed - has stayed - every time. You don’t want to lose Seb, the team — me. So you’ll put up with it. You may even find yourself enjoying it. Just another week, and then we’ll give you whatever you want.”

“Oh, so you and him have some fucked up agreement? Is that why he’s been getting preferential treatment on the track? So I’ll be even more wound up when you both corner me in my hotel room? Is that the whole point of your ‘orders’, Toto?”

He sat up straighter, his shoulders rolling back as he moved to make himself larger. Even seated in the plane seat, he still seemed to tower, larger than life. “He does not get preferential treatment - on track or off - for any reason and you know that. That’s the last I’ll hear of it.

Besides,” he continued, a dark chuckle leaving his lips as he settled back into the leather, motioning for the attendant to bring him a drink, “you’ll be wound up no matter what we do to you. It’s in your nature.”

“Fuck you,” you had said softly, settling down in the seat furthest from him with your face towards the window. Any closer and he would have been bound to see the fury of your heartbeat through your skin or hear your labored breath. Fighting with a man in his position, with his power, was the ultimate aphrodisiac. You’d never shied away from going toe-to-toe with him, especially not the few times it had escalated beyond arguing and moved into more. Arguing with him now, knowing there were so few boundaries still existing between you yet knowing he wouldn't back down or give in was beyond frustrating.

"You wish you could," he had said with a chuckle, raising his glass to his lips.

He had been right about you and you hated to admit it. The end of the triple header was in sight and you were wound up, springs loaded more tightly than they'd ever been, and neither Sebastian or Toto had so much as glanced your way unless required to by their jobs. They behaved in front of the media and team, but when it was just you around, it was as though you didn't exist.

You decided to funnel all of your anger towards them into other aspects of the weekend, giving them the same silent treatment they were dishing out. You did your best to ignore them both, going so far as to leave the post-race briefing early before conversations shifted to Sebastian’s car.

Later that evening, you receive a text from Toto.

We need to talk. Room 853.

Even though he was located just a few floors above you, you decide to make him wait, taking your time redressing and combing through your hair.

Thirty minutes later you swing the already-unlocked door open.

Toto stands at the desk, fingers flying over the screen of his phone while Seb lounges in the plush chair on the other side of the bed.

“What the hell is he doing here?”

Toto sets his phone aside and faces you. “I said we needed to talk. Sit down.”

“I’ll stand, thanks.”

Toto grins and shakes his head. “I wasn’t asking. Sit.”

“Woof,” you bark out as you collapse backwards on the bed, already annoyed that they’ve cornered you like this. Seb laughs and for the first time in more than a week, you feel a genuine smile tug at your lips.

“Funny,” Toto deadpans.

“Is this all you dragged me here for? Or is there actually a point to this conversation?”

Toto shakes his head. “Such an attitude. What’s gotten into you recently?”

“What’s gotten into me? How about what’s not gotten into me? You catch Seb and I together and then tell me I’m not allowed to get off for two weeks, lording that fact over my head at any chance you get. Then you two start treating me like I don’t exist at all and—”

"I know she's gotten off," Seb interrupts, his face smug, “at least once. And no," he says, eyes shooting over to Toto, "I didn't have anything to do with it."

"You don't know shit," you quip from the edge of the bed, words tossed over your shoulder towards him.

He stands and moves, stepping away and then back before the mattress dips right behind you. "The entire hospitality trailer heard you. Britta asked if she needed to go make sure you were okay, but I convinced her you were just pissed, like you usually are when I outqualify you. I think I do know 'shit'."

When you open your mouth to protest, he moves from behind you and slides a silk scarf between your lips, tying it off quickly behind your head.

When you look over to Toto in shock, he grins.

"Shake your head no or tap out right now and we'll do it your way - whatever that may be - no feelings hurt. But I think," he says, watching as Seb leans in close to nose at the delicate skin of your neck, "I think that you'll enjoy it our way."

You maintain eye contact with him as you raise your chin in one last act of defiance.

“You’re trembling,” Seb whispers, his voice low and goosebumps erupt across your skin.

“She’s desperate for it.”

“Remember your sign?” Seb presses his lips to your jaw.

You reach back and give Seb’s leg three taps with two fingers.

“Good girl.” He looks at Toto and gives him a nod.

“Here’s the thing, pet. I told you no orgasms. Did you obey that rule?”

You stare him down but shake your head no.

“You should have heard her,” Seb says, his hands smoothing up and down your rib cage, rucking at the fabric of your shirt, creeping closer and closer to the curve of your breast. You barely keep yourself from arching into his touch. “She was in my room after qualifying, fingering herself, and she got mad when I kicked her out. Went back to her room and must’ve made herself cum so hard she screamed.”

“Screamed?” Toto directs his question to you.

You drop your chin in shame, remembering how you had been pushed to your breaking point by Seb’s dismissal. When the silence hangs in the air, you lift your head and nod.

“Good thing we gagged you tonight then, huh?”

Your eyes go wide and you glance at Seb.

“Sorry love. Boss makes the rules.”

“How many do you think we can get from her before she taps, Sebastian?”

“Six,” he responds, grinning.

“I think eight. But, knowing her, she’ll pass out before she taps out.”

Toto steps forward and reaches out a hand, cupping your jaw gently. “Wish I could kiss you.” He traces his thumb over your stretch lower lip and you whine, the sound strained through the makeshift gag. “No, no,” Toto chides, leaning in to press a quick kiss to your forehead, “no whining, no begging. You wanted to cum so badly before, so we're going to let you now, as many times as we see fit. And you can’t ask for more or tell me to stop or use that smart mouth to sass me and piss me off. We’ll go until you learn that your orgasms are ours. Understand?”

You twist your head to give Seb more room as he presses kisses along your exposed skin, pulling your collar aside when he runs out of new real estate. You take a moment to consider what’s happening, what it will mean for you, and you lift your chin again, giving Toto a definitive nod.

———

You had lost count.

The first, wrought from you with Seb's fingers as Toto looked on and gave instruction, was forceful but not enough to slate the heat in your lower abdomen. The ache had persisted - insistent - until Toto shoved your knees wide and lowered his mouth to your core. Both men - Sebastian behind you and Toto kneeling below you - were still completely clothed while you writhed naked between them.

The second and third orgasms were claimed by Toto, his mouth working easy and lazy against your clit, as though this was just a hobby for him, and you let your head fall back onto Seb's shoulder as he dove back in for the fourth.

"You should see yourself," Seb says, voice low in your ear. His hands roam over your torso, fingers firm as they dig into your skin and move to pinch at your nipples. You back arches, offering more of yourself to the men before you, and your eyes drift closed.

"You look incredible," he continues, his hips lifting to press his hard length into the small of your back.

You work to open your eyes and look up to him, pleading as best you can without words, until you feel Toto work a finger into your dripping slit and your eyes flutter shut once again.

"That's it baby, come on. Let it go," Seb says, his eyes fixed on where Toto's mouth has sealed over your clit, tongue barely peeking past his lips with every rhythmic swipe of it over your tight bundle of nerves.

When another orgasm builds, every muscle in your body goes taught until it all snaps and you scream into the gag, arching away from Toto's mouth and Seb's hands and their combined overwhelming presence.

They give you a moment of peace while you work to catch your breath, inhales and exhales forceful through your nose and around the now-soaked scarf.

When Toto kneels on the bed he's finally naked, moving up the sheets until he's in front of you. "Doing so well, pet." He leans in over you, his nose brushing yours. "You still okay? We can take away the scarf if you want."

You lean into him, hands lifting to hold him close as you inhale his scent and feel his skin against yours. You pull back and nod your head, watching as he reaches around you to untie the scarf and toss it aside.

"Better?"

You nod, clearing your throat a few times before Seb, naked now too, appears behind you with a bottle of water. You sit up to take a few quick sips and pass it back, watching as he swallows the rest down easily.

Toto takes your chin in his hand and pulls you close, his lips meeting yours much more gently than you had expected, but the kiss deepens quickly. You can taste yourself on his tongue and it makes you moan, his lips pulling into a grin against yours until he pulls away. "You taste divine," he says, licking at his lips again.

Seb's hands settle on your hips and he tugs, swiftly raising you until you settle onto your knees, stance wide as you lean into Toto.

"Don't cum in her," Toto commands over your shoulder, and a shiver runs through you at his words.

"But--" Toto breaks off your thought with a finger to your lips.

"Just because I took the gag off doesn't mean you can talk back. Understood?"

"Yeah," you answer, watching as he leans back onto the bed, his hand moving down to stroke once, twice over his hard length.

"Try again."

"Yes, I understand." You continue watching his hand, distracted by the prominent veins and dark pink head of his cock. You lick your lips and he chuckles.

"Gets rid of the gag and immediately wants something back in her mouth," he teases, his words directed at Sebastian.

You glance over your shoulder to see him, his eyes fixed on your ass as he runs one of his hands back and forth over the smooth skin there. The other hand holds his cock with what looks like a too-tight grip.

"Sometimes I have to stick a finger or two in her mouth while I'm fucking her. Keeps her quiet at least." He already sounds wrecked as he teases your folds with the head of his cock.

You scoff and Toto reaches a hand up, burying it in the hair at the nape of your neck. He drags your head down to his cock and you open your mouth automatically. He's larger than Seb, wider and a bit longer, but something inside of you begs to impress him, to be able to take him all in one go.

"What did I just say?" he asks, holding you just out of reach.

Seb chooses that moment to suddenly - finally - push his way in, your wet pussy making the slide easy, and you mon.

You whine when his hips hit your skin, the feeling of being filled almost too much already.

You don't have time to process the intrusion before Toto is pushing his cock past your lips. Seb pulls out slowly and then presses back in. Before you know it, you're being filled as quickly as one hole is empty, from one end or the other, and you lose yourself in the rhythm of it as they use you.

When Seb reaches around your hip to settle the pads of two fingers over your clit, you buck into his hand, Toto's cock falling from your lips as you swear, already too sensitive. He bats your reaching hand away and thrusts harder, fueled by the hitching of your breath and the way you tighten around him, squeezing like a snake.

Toto pulls at your hair, straining your neck to meet his gaze. "Cum on his cock, pet."

“It’s too much,” you choke out, barely a whimper, as Seb begins to grind into you with each thrust. It’s overwhelming, being fucked by Seb while Toto commands your attention.

“Don't stop,” Toto directs at Seb. Then he looks back down at you.

“She’s so fucking tight,” you hear Seb say, still looking up, watching the way Toto grins at his words.

“Open your mouth and stick out your tongue.”

You follow his command and he grabs your jaw with one hand, holding your mouth just where he wants it. He stares for a moment before opening his own mouth and spitting slowly, his hot saliva hitting the center of your tongue. He holds you there, your mouth open, for just a moment before pressing your jaw up.

“Swallow.”

“Fuck, shes cumming again, I can feel it. She’s just— Fuck!”

Seb pulls out suddenly and even through the tremors of your own orgasm, you can feel the hot splashes of his release across your back. He groans and stumbles back, collapsing into the nearby chair.

“Toto,” you whine, desperately needing both more and for this to end. You can feel the beads of sweat slide down your back, the tendrils of hair at your temples damp and sticking to your skin.

“Come here.” He grips your arm and drags you up, rolling over you as he moves you where he wants you: on your back underneath him. He pushes your knees up almost too-high and looks down your sex. “Look so pretty, all fucked out like this. Pink and puffy.”

You flush at his casually obscene observance, at the act of him looking at you - at all of you.

“Should I get my mouth on you again? Make you cum with my tongue? Maybe two, three more, make you beg me to stop.”

“Toto,” you beg, unsure of what you’re asking for. More would wreck you - ruin you - but yet the ache for him, for anything, still sits hotly within you.

“I could do it. I could sit with my face there for hours, pet.”

“Please fuck me,” you try instead, head swimming with his words, with how tempting it is to take him up on his offer.

“Now she uses her manners.” He moves up and aligns his cock with your slit, teasing your entrance just as Seb had before. He thrusts in fast then, lowering himself to swallow your cry direct from the source. He holds still, his breathing easy as your chest heaves, hips already working in search of friction.

“Please,” you beg, near tears, as the mere feeling of him filling him up sets you off, the wave of another orgasm building quickly. “Toto, please, fuck me, please.”

He pulls back and nearly out, glancing down as the head of his cock catches on the rim of your pussy. When he pulls all the way, you cry out, your desperation met with a chuckle. “I told you pet, your orgasms are mine. You cum when I say you can cum. Sebastian makes you come when I say he can. Are we clear?”

You nod, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes with desperation.

“Good girl. And just so you don’t forget it,” he says, thrusting back in, hard, “we’re going until I’ve had enough.”

You arch into him, your body taking over as it seeks out any tendrils of pleasure he’s willing to give.

He takes his hands in yours and raises them above your head, his body stretching long over yours as you cry out with his deeper thrusts.

You suddenly still, your legs trembling around him as your tears fall, the sudden orgasm absolutely stealing your breath. He groans and slows, grinding his hips into yours, the pressure of him inside you prolonging your release as he relishes the feel of you constricting around him.

“That’s it, there you go. So good for me.”

“I can’t— Toto, I—”

“You can, I know you can. Such a good girl, you can take it. Give me one more, come on, you’re so pretty when you cum for me like this.”

His patient, deep thrusts are more than enough to set you off again, and you sob as you feel it creep in, absolutely nothing to be done to stop it. Your voice is hoarse when you shout as it finally crashes over you, your vision going white and hearing going fuzzy.

Toto’s thrusts turn erratic then and he too pulls out with a groan. You watch with barely-open eyes as he grips his cock and strokes himself just once before painting your stomach with his own release.

“Fuck,” he pants, staring down at your body.

Tears continue to gather at the corners of your eyes and when you blink, they tumble down your temple to mix with the stale sweat there.

You sniffle and hear some shuffling before Seb appears, kneeling on the comforter next to you.

His voice is quiet when he speaks. “Come on love, let’s get you cleaned up. Did so good for us, let me take care of you now.” He turns to Toto. “Go get a warm, damp cloth from the bathroom. She’ll want to be held and I doubt you want to get jizz everywhere.”

“How do you know what to do?”

“Because she and I have talked about it! As much as it kills you to give up some control here, just follow my lead. She might ask for something from you, she might not. But just shut up and let me take care of her.”

Toto stares for a moment, watching the way Seb moves in - to press a kiss to your temple, to muzzle at your cheekbone - and how it almost brings a smile to your face, before he follows Sebastian’s request.

He returns and passes the rag to Seb, listening to the soothing way he praises you as he wipes your skin clean, folding the rag over itself to wipe at the sweat drying on your collarbones and neck.

When Seb turns to toss the rag away, you grab for Toto then, tugging him down almost beside you, half of his body still heavy on top of yours. He adjusts and wraps himself around your back, his frame completely engulfing yours, watching as Seb mirrors the pose in front of you, still speaking in such hushed tones that leave Toto straining to hear what’s being said. When your voice breaks through, his name somewhere on your lips, he leans in.

“Of course he’s proud of you,” Seb replies to whatever question you had asked. “I am too.”

Toto leans in to press a kiss to your shoulder and your head turns, now-bright eyes meeting his. “Thank you,” he mumbles, pressing another open-mouthed kiss to your skin. He continues his gentle assault, lips brushing any inch of skin he can reach. “I mean it. Thank you.”

[iloveyoupittsburghpirates-blog]

You Have Lost Me, Pittsburgh Pirates

My Dearest Pittsburgh Pirates,

I should be much more upset right now. This week had the ability to be the worst one in recent memory until you escaped with a win yesterday. Before that, this was one of the most embarrassing weeks to be a Pirates’ fan. I went to all three games at Dodgers’ Stadium and I watched you get swept in a by an overall score of 31-8. That included a mind-numbing 17-1 loss on Monday. After that series, I didn’t think the week could really get worse. Then on Friday you managed to exceed my expectations. You gave up 17 runs AGAIN to the Philadelphia Phillies in a 17-5 loss. What the hell? I didn’t look up the stats on this because it’s too depressing, but I can’t remember any Pirates’ team giving up 17 runs twice in one week. I honestly can’t remember any team doing that ever, though I’m sure (hope) they have. That was followed by a 3-2 loss in a game that you led 2-0 going into the 7th inning and that we will discuss more later. You salvaged the series with a win yesterday, but you have looked terribly out-matched by any viable team over the past two months. You are currently 41-48, you’re 12 ½ games out of first place, and 9 games out of the Wildcard spot. Barring some amazing progression, you will miss the playoffs for the third straight year and the 26 of the last 29 seasons. Great job…

Clint Hurdle made another questionable decision that arguably cost you a game on Saturday. Jameson Taillon had been cruising with a 2-0 lead until the seventh inning. With one out, Taillon gave up an infield single. He got a force out to get the second out before a triple and a single tied the game. There were still two outs and he was only at 77 pitches, so I figured you would just leave him in. Instead, you went to your laughably awful bullpen with a man on first and two outs rather than stick with Taillon who had only made two bad pitches the whole afternoon. Edgar Santana, who has seemed to give up a run every outing over the last six weeks, was brought in and gave up an RBI double on the first pitch and you lost 3-2. Your argument was that Taillon’s numbers his third time through the order have not been good enough and I can agree with that. OPS 1st time through - .673, 2nd time through - .620, and 3rd time through - .837. I think sometimes you should look at how this particular game has progressed to determine a decision like that. My bigger issue is how unequivocally bad your bullpen has been recently. You don’t trust Taillon to go the third time through the order, but you do trust anyone in that bullpen not named Crick or Vasquez? Makes no sense. Santana, Glasnow, and Brault have all struggled as of late and you’ve had to resort to using guys like Neverauskas, Smoker, and Holmes, none of which should even be in the majors. I’ll say it again, Taillon was at 77 pitches. I don’t care if your trust is wavering. He arguably has the most talent in your rotation and your bullpen has been a joke. I’d keep him in the game every time.

(Wild pitch count add) Fun-da-mentals. I literally can’t say it enough. I know I harp on this but after this week if felt necessary to mention again. Case in point: Monday night against the Dodgers. I was there in person to watch Nick Kingham’s first start since returning to the majors for an injured Chad Kuhl. I like Kingham a lot and his performance yesterday was definitely an improvement, but his first inning on Monday was as bad as it gets. The inning led off with him dropping a ball thrown right to his chest while covering first, putting the runner at second. He balked to send the runner to third and then a dribbler single in front of home plate scored the run. After another single puts runners at first and third, I saw something I’ve never seen in a major league baseball game previously. After a pitch, Elias Diaz threw the ball back to Kingham on the mound. Kingham was a little off balance and the throw was far from perfect. It hit off the top of Kingham’s glove and rolled towards third base allowing a run to score. You barely ever see that in Little League games, let alone a high school or college game. Allowing it to happen in a major league game is beyond embarrassing. I was speechless. Whether it was JHay fumbling a ball in the first inning on Friday, or a pop up directly in the front of the plate on Saturday that four players stood around and watched fall in (fortunately they could still get the force play at second), or the major league leading 59 wild pitches you have uncorked this season, you are a nightmare when it comes to doing the little things correctly. I’m not even surprised anymore when these things happen. The blame goes from top to bottom in the organization. I apologize for harping on this issue so much but these type of botched plays are the difference between good teams and bad teams.

The older I get, the less I care about the All Star game. The fact that fans pick the starters has always been an issue for me because the most popular players get picked even when they aren’t having a great year, like Bryce Harper. But maybe that’s the whole spirit of the game. It’s just for fun anyway. Why shouldn’t the fans be able to pick their favorite players? In that case, the prestige of being named should take a hit, but that’s another conversation. All Star teams were announced yesterday and I honestly couldn’t think of who on your team was deserving. Cervelli has been one of the best catchers in baseball this year but, probably because of his recent DL stint, he just missed it. Felipe Vasquez will be your lone representative in the 2018 All Star game. His 3.38 ERA and 1.31 WHIP are far from dominant. He has struck out 51 batters in 37 1/3 innings and opponents are only hitting .218 off him with a .571 OPS against plus 18 saves in 22 opportunities. I believe he is the only player on this roster who actually has the ability to be a top five player at their position, maybe even top three. That alone could technically make him our All Star. I’m not vehemently opposed to this choice especially when the ERA leader in the American League didn’t make it. In a year where no one on your team is truly deserving, except for maybe Cervelli, makes me conclude once again that the respect given to the people who make this game should only hold so much weight.

Here comes yet another week with the potential to go terribly wrong. The wildly under-performing Washington Nationals, a game over .500 and five games out of first place and the final Wildcard spot, come to town after winning three out of four this weekend against Miami and scoring 14 and 18 runs in two of those games. With our pitching woes recently, it seems like this could be a bad matchup. After that, the first place Milwaukee Brewers, who currently hold the best record in the National League, come in for a rare five game series with a double header on Saturday. They have won 7 of their last 10 and are a legitimate contender to represent the NL in the World Series with how they have been playing. This week is your last chance. It’s the week before the All Star break and, barring some miraculous week, you will be selling at the deadline. It’s what you should do. Trade Cervelli, Nova, Dickerson, Mercer, Freese, and JHay to get whatever you can in return. It’s time. A small market team can’t afford to be middling. Either you’re all in or you’re rebuilding. That should be it. I always root for you and I just want what’s best for you. Selling your assets to see if these young guys actually have any potential is the right move. Have a good week and get ready for some much needed rest. I know I will. Love you!

                                                            Exasperated For The Foreseeable Future,

                                                                                               Brad

P.S. If you do trade JHay and Mercer, then your most likely scenario is bringing up Kevin Newman and Kevin Kramer. People aren’t very excited about them right now but there is upside. Newman has an OPS of .748 and hit only his second homer of the season yesterday. He is batting .307 with an OBP of .355 and, most importantly, has 21 stolen bases on the season. If he can bat close to .300, play solid shortstop, and steal 30-plus bases, I’m totally fine with him as my everyday shortstop. Kramer has 11 homers and currently holds an OPS of .818. He does strikeout too much and has been slumping as of late, but even he has 7 stolen bases. I don’t think these two will be superstars but they could be decent at two positions where you rarely expect much offense anyway.

[svtskneecaps]

Blink and You’ll Miss It - Part 1

Summary: Sanha’s been a curious shit her whole life. Jackson’s always told her she’s going to get herself killed at some point. She thought that was a bunch of bull, but he might’ve actually been right. She might be in way over her head on this one.

Featuring: A bunch of bull, a lot of cursing, merciless butchering of honorifics, and other things. Essentially, it’s a Comedy of Errors: Story Version.

Warnings: Cursing. Lots and lots of it.

First ~~~ Previous ~~~ Next ~~~ Masterlist

(just don’t look too closely at the header; i’m 300% too lazy to fix it)

“Okay fuck this, I’m out.”

Jackson had been saying that for the past twenty minutes, so Sanha didn’t take it too seriously, rolling her eyes and tugging on his arm.

“Come on, oppa, the project said we had to explore the history of the world around us, and what better way than to wander an old abandoned dorm building?”

“To look something up in a library?”

“Oh, everyone and their mother can do that. They’ve probably got something awesome we can use in here.” She pulled on a door to the side of the hall, slipping through the crack she’d created.

“You know,” he grunted, squeezing through behind her, “when I said I’d do this project with you I didn’t expect to be crawling through some old building.”

“Me either.” She was already behind the desk to the side of the room, clearing the shrubbery off of it. “It’s wild how that works, isn’t it?”

He made a face at her cheeky grin. “Just get what you want and let’s go. Old buildings always have ghosts in them.”

“Oppa~ Lighten up, just think of it like we’re the Buzzfeed Unsolved guys,” she cooed. “We come into old buildings, look around, see nothing, and leave disappointed.”

“They only don’t find anything because they’ve got cameras.”

“So pull out your phone and start recording, and we’ll be a-okay.” Sanha pulled a drawer open, her entire face lighting up. “Ah! There’s a book in here!” She took it out and thumbed through it quickly, skimming the star charts within, before brushing most of the dust off and stuffing it into the satchel at her side. Jackson spluttered indignantly.

“You’re stealing now? Do you have a death wish? We’re going to get some vengeant ghost following us home hell bent on murdering us!”

“Murdering me,” she corrected. “I’m sure they know full well you’re not in on this, what with the amount of whining you’ve been doing.”

“Okay, you know the only reason I’m here is because you’re not allowed to do anything dangerous without me.”

“If you hate it so much just go back to the dorm. I can handle myself.” Sanha slid back out the door, wandering over to the large flight of stairs to the side of the front door.

“Are you kidding? No way, you can’t do this stuff on your own.” He trooped up the stairs after her as she skipped up them, two at a time. “That just doubles your already way too high odds of getting straight up murdered. Maybe triples.”

“You worry too much,” she sang. “C’mon, let’s check out the room with our number.” She pointed at the sign on the wall as she climbed past it.

“And then we can leave?”

“I never said that.”

He groaned.

They climbed another couple flights of stairs to get up to it, which winded neither of them (the elevator in their own building was incredibly untrustworthy, so neither of them used it after it broke down and trapping them for three hours one night).

“I don’t trust this.”

“It’s not that bad.”

“The floor looks like Swiss Cheese!”

Sanha jumped over one of the holes, holding a doorknob on the other side for extra support, and grinned at him. “Weren’t you the one who called yourself a parkour king?”

“That was a joke! And I’m not about to let you kill yourself, even on accident.”

She crouched down and directed a finger under a section of the floor that was intact. “There’s a wall under this bit; probably load bearing.”

“That’s not how load bearing walls work.”

She shrugged. “It’s a support. Look, I’ll go first and you can just step where I do.”

“And I guess you’ll expect me to catch you when you inevitably fall,” he grumbled as he carefully walked on the section with the wall under it, testing it with each step. “Well no way, if you fall you’re just going to fall.”

“Love you too.”

“And besides, you’re a little featherweight.” The sound of his mumbled rant carried her forwards. “It might all crumble under me even if it holds you.”

“I won’t judge you if you wait at the landing, you know.”

“I can’t let you do something stupid on your own; your mom’ll kill me.”

“She doesn’t even know you, remember? She’s back in America.”

“She knows we’re roommates.” Jackson flinched slightly as the floorboard under his foot creaked. “Man, why couldn’t you get someone else to go for you? Like Youngjae.”

“You know I’d never willingly put the kid in danger, and besides it’s no fun to let someone stick their nose places for you.”

“At the very least I wouldn’t have to worry so much,” he grumbled. “You’re not even on a news crew, why do you insist on doing stuff like this?”

“Blind curiosity, my dear Watson,” she sang, leaning backwards while holding onto the doorknob for 1704. The rotted door jamb split and the door abruptly swung open, pulling her dangerously close to a hole in the floor. Jackson sucked in a breath and reached out, but she caught herself with room to spare. The broken pieces of wood clattered to the floor below.

“Be more careful!” He didn’t bring up the Watson comment, so she knew it’d really scared him.

“I’m sorry, but everything’s fine, see? Nobody’s injured.” She peered over the edge, noting that she’d only have fallen a story if she hadn’t been able to catch herself. “It’s not even that far of a drop.”

“Not that far,” he imitated. “It’s a full story, you could break your neck.”

“Probably just a leg.”

“That’s not much better!”

Sanha pulled the door back open, gesturing dramatically for Jackson to enter first. He made an exaggeratedly gallant bow. “Please, thrill seekers first.”

She grinned and playfully batted his shoulder before testing the floor and stepping inside. Jackson followed closely behind, close enough she could feel his breathing.

“Heyyy, they’ve got a balcony in here!” She whistled appreciatively. “Living large and in charge.”

“Wish we had a balcony back at our own not haunted, warm and safe dormitory.” His voice grew steadily more passive aggressive as he continued. “Wish we were there instead of here.”

She ignored him. “You think they turned it into a haunted house attraction?” She tapped her fingers across a dust covered wooden table. “From like a theme park or something?”

“No, not really. Why, did you find a prop skeleton in the closet? Maybe a skeleton that isn’t a prop?!”

She snickered. “Yeah, and it’s got a floppy brim purple hat. No, I can hear the backing track for it. Maybe I tripped a switch downstairs?”

“Hold on, you hear the backing track? Like, creepy music?”

“I mean I hear something like that. Might just be my phone,” she mused as she fumbled around her pocket to take said item out and check if the music had started playing while she wasn’t paying attention.

“I sear, Sanha, if you dragged us into this and get an angry ghost sicced on yourself then I’m going to holy fuck what is that-!”

Her neck snapped up so quickly she gave herself whiplash. A dark, humanoid shadow was silhouetted on the doors to the balcony. “What,” she mumbled. The music in her ears swelled, and she could almost make out the lyrics. Despite any instinct for self preservation, she took a few careful steps toward the balcony doors, reaching a hand out. The figure began to turn, and in one fluid move she closed the remaining distance and pushed the doors open-

-and immediately tripped as he foot caught on a tear in the carpet. She scraped her hands on the weather worn wood as she slammed into the floor. A curse word escaped her as she forced herself to look up, her whole body quaking.

“Oh my god.” It took all of a second her her to burst out laughing. “Oh my god, oppa look.” Her sides shook for a completely different reason. “It was a bird. It was a fucking bird, oh my god.” No response. She turned around to see Jackson clutching his heart, his back pressed against 1701 across the hall and burst out laughing again.

“Let’s both agree,” he said, breathing heavily, to never speak of this.”

It didn’t take much convincing for her to agree.

“Maybe there’s something, you know, on the ground floor for you to poke your nose into,” he said once his breathing steadied.

“Nahhh.” She skipped back down the stairs, stopping in front of a broken door as her carefree tone dulled into a thoughtful hum. “Well, maybe.”

“There’s got to be something; it’s an old building covered in dust and ivy that no one’s lived in for probably centuries out in the middle of nowhere.” He gestured around them, indicating the moonlight that streamed through gaps in the ivy that covered a broken window.

“It’s still in halfway decent condition,” she commented, knocking three times on the shattered door.

“Yeah, except for the Swiss Cheese floors,” he grumbled, “and this door that somebody took an axe to; that bodes well.”

She hummed lightly in response, squeezing through the wide crack, her clothes catching on the sharper sides of the hole as he complained about her always running towards the danger. She heard him rattling the knob behind her as she pulled herself through.

“Sanha stop, the door’s locked!”

“Climb through the crack, silly.”

“I don’t fit!” His face appeared in the crack. “Not all of us are midgets.”

“Just make the crack larger or just wait there. I’m not picky.”

“Yah, Kim Sanha! Don’t you dare go on alone!”

“Oh, chill out. I’ll be back in a sec.” She kept walking, her feet kicking up dust. “It’s just an empty hallway anyway, I just wanna see the view out the window.”

She ignored him as he kept calling her name, continuing down. It was a surprisingly long hallway, and there were lightened square spots on the wallpaper where, she assumed, someone had hung pieces of art. Too impatient to walk the whole way, she ran to the end, the draft from the broken window at the end blowing her hair off her shoulders.

“Oh man oppa, don’t you wish you could see this,” she called back as she gazed out the window in awe. The sky had long gone dark, but now was colored in beautiful hues of soft pinks and lavender, and the stars were so bright and brilliant. There were more than she’d ever seen before. She pulled her phone out and snapped a few pictures, before just standing there a second, a soft smile resting comfortably on her features as she leaned on the windowsill.

Finally turning around, she jogged back to the other end of the hallway.

“Find anything of interest?” Jackson asked tiredly, sounding done with her shit.

“Actually, I did. Literally the best view. . . you’ve ever. . .”

Jackson’s heartbeat audibly sped up. “What? What’re you- Why did you stop?”

“I-” She knew there hadn’t been anyone in the hallway just seconds before, and there weren’t any open doors. And yet, there he was, standing there at the end by the window, teal jacket brushing his knees.

“As if in slow motion, he turned and they locked eyes. Her breath caught in her throat and she forgot how to blink, how to think, how to unstick her breathing, how to reassure her friend that everything was okay as the man started moving towards her, slow at first, before he ran. She watched him in slow motion, a voice ringing out in her ears singing the words to the melody she’d heard faintly upstairs.

“Don’t look away, keep your eye contact with me, nobody can take us apart.” His lips weren’t moving, but she knew it was him singing as he halved the distance between them. The lighted squares on the walls grew even lighter until a sunshine sky seeped through as though they were windows. Unconsciously, she reached out to him as he was to her, the desperation on his face striking a chord within her.

“Sanha!” Jackson’s urgent voice slipped through the melody, and without thinking she glanced at her friend. The song ended abruptly, fading away in a split second, and when she returned her gaze to the hallway half a second later, the man was gone as though he’d never been there. “Sanha what the hell happened, why’d you stop?”

“. . . nothing.” She forced herself to laugh, eyes still unfocused, before shaking her head and returning her gaze to her friend. “Nothing happened, I was just fucking with you.”

“Aish, you little twerp. I thought you were about to get murdered,” he griped.

“Sorry.”

“No you aren’t, just get back over here and let’s go.”

“Okay okay.” A giggle escaped her lips despite her confusion as she crawled back through the door. She’d tell him what she’d seen later, once they’d left the bulding. She was pretty sure that he’d actually murder her if he knew. The only reason he’d even come was to make sure she didn’t get killed, and she almost had.

“Hope you’ve seen everything you wanted to because we are never coming back.”

She hummed unconvincingly, tearing down the stairs ahead of him so he didn’t have time to think about it. “Last one to the car has to buy dinner!”

“It’s midnight!”

[junker-town]

3 reasons to watch every team in the 2017 MLB Postseason

Looking for a handy viewing guide to the teams and players you want to watch? We’ve got you covered.

Two-thirds of the teams in Major League Baseball won’t play again until 2018. Another two teams will be cruelly defenestrated after a single three-hour game. That means the odds are good that if you’re watching the MLB Postseason, you’re watching a bunch of teams that you haven’t paid attention to for most of the season.

The goal here is to give you some reasons to watch every team, then. While there are all sorts of quirky things for you find out if you dig deep enough (Why does Edwin Encarnacion run around the bases with an invisible parrot? Is it possible for Fernando Rodney to kill the invisible parrot with an invisible arrow? Isn’t Rodney 58 years old?), we’ll stick with some of the basics.

The day is coming when there will be a delirious schedule with four different postseason games, which means there will be eight different teams whizzing around the spin cycle. Those are the very best days. What should you watch for with each team?

New York Yankees

Aaron Judge

You don’t need me to tell you to watch Aaron Judge, but I’m going to anyway. He is baseball’s biggest friend, always there for you with a tree pulled out of the ground if you’re in need of a makeshift bridge. If you like long home runs and walks on the beach (to find the baseballs he callously murdered), Judge is your new, temporary favorite player.

There’s a bit of a twist, though. Judge hit .330/.441/.787 against “finesse” pitchers, described by Baseball-Reference as the pitchers with a low strikeout-to-walk ratio, which is more than 400 points of OPS better than the average hitter. He hit .305/.466/.617 against pitchers with an average ratio, which is more than 300 points better than the average hitter.

Against power pitchers, the best of the best, he hit just .186/.337/.386, which is pretty close to the league average (.222/.301/.369) against those pitchers. It’s not that he’ll struggle against the best pitchers compared to other hitters, but that he’ll be an ordinary guy. And guess what kind of pitchers he’ll face in the postseason.

That’s if the Yankees advance against the Twins, of course, but I’m fascinated to see how Judge responds against the Andrew Millers of the world in crucial spots.

Luis Severino

The most underrated Yankees player in recent memory? I can’t think of another player who has slipped under the radar quite like him, and I can’t explain it. Severino boosted his strikeouts this year, striking out 29.4 percent of the batters he faced — an eight-percent increase over his career numbers — and he turned into a legitimate ace for a team that desperately needed one.

Severino is important for the story of the Yankees on a couple levels, though. He can pitch, sure, but he’s also a living testament to just how well the organization functions. He was signed for just $225,000 out of the Dominican Republic. He was developed quickly and efficiently, and when he looked like damaged goods in 2016, the Yankees calmly and effectively fixed him in time for the next season.

The Yankees are here because they’re rich enough to shake off overpaid contracts like the one given to Jacoby Ellsbury, yes, but that’s not the only reason. They’re smart and good at developing baseball men. They don’t get nearly enough credit for that par.

The Bullpen of Hot Death

Crikey, this bullpen. Aroldis Chapman hasn’t been the same kind of robotic strikeout machine that he’d been in the past, but he’s still a part of a nasty, talented group that the Yankees have cobbled together. Try not to remember that they had Andrew Miller at some point, too.

After Chapman is Chad Green, who is apparently one of the best relievers in baseball now?

ME: SIRI, FIND OUT WHO THE HELL CHAD GREEN IS FOR ME.

SIRI: Charred Greens is located at 4833 S. Daughtery Road in Plano.

Green struck out 103 batters in 69 innings, taking over for Dellin Betances, who struggled with wildness this year. Adam Warren was mostly fantastic this year, Tommy Kahnle has been superb, and I guess David Robertson is back to his old Yankees form now. This bullpen is absurd.

When you factor in the regular, scheduled rest their bullpen will enjoy, you’re right to fear the Yankees. They’re a team that’s built for the postseason.

So long as they win a single game against the Twins, that is.

Boston Red Sox

Chris Sale

In our rush to invent new adjectives for obelisk-man Aaron Judge, let us not forget that baseball is often dominated by a pitcher who’s shaped like a life-size IG-88 figure and throws like he’s trying to lasso his own toes. Sale is an absolutely marvel, and I would like to share with you a headline I wrote about him in 2014:

Let's not shovel dirt on Chris Sale's brilliant career just yet

It was a hyperbolic headline directed at the people who were just so sure that Sale was going to break down. When he went on the DL with a flexor strain, it was vindication for everyone who thought that, proof that he was a liability, not an asset. Since then, he’s pitched three full seasons, and he’ll likely finish in the top five in Cy Young voting for the fifth season in a row.

Just watch him pitch, though. He’s a strikeout demigod, for one, but he also throws like a pickup truck filled with didgeridoos swerving off the road to avoid a wallaby. It’s a lot of fun.

Craig Kimbrel

Kimbrel is less complicated. He’s filthy in a much more straightforward way, using a gnarly fastball/breaking ball combination that hitters can’t touch. He struck out 126 batters in just 69 innings this year, while walking only 14. As a reminder, the Braves brought him up a season after he walked 45 batters in 60 innings, and command/control were always supposed to be a problem.

As it turns out, nope. No problems there. He can throw harder than everyone else, make his breaking ball move more than everyone else, and he can put both of them where he tries to, for the most part.

Look at this nonsense:

You should watch the postseason just for this nonsense.

The outfield defense

The Red Sox didn’t hit as well as they were expecting this year, and part of that had to do with steps back from Mookie Betts and Jackie Bradley, Jr., as well as good-not-great numbers from Andrew Benintendi. The dynamic troika were led by Betts’ 108 OPS+, and none of them hit like a burgeoning MVP candidate, which is what we expected after last season.

They’re all center fielders, though, which makes them extremely fun to watch, especially when they’re playing in a park that’s a little more spacious than Fenway. They can do things like this ...

... and all of them can throw a bit, too.

Some of them can throw a lot of bit. My only regret is that Tal’s Hill isn’t around to make things a little more interesting, but that’s nitpicking.

Cleveland Indians

Francisco Lindor

The original header was “seriously guys, holy [swear word], Francisco Lindor,” and that probably undersells it. Lindor somehow lasted until the eighth pick of the 2011 Draft, and he’s exactly the kind of player every franchise dreams of when they go to sleep at night. He ...

hits for average

hits for power

takes a walk

runs well

plays Gold Glove defense at shortstop

makes people laugh

makes people smile

just makes people enjoy life more, you know?

is he looking at me right now?

don’t look at him, you idiot, just tell me if he’s looking at me right now

The Indians’ problem is that they didn’t have a Francisco Lindor. Now that’s the problem of every other team. Don’t bother the Indians with your problems. They’re much better now. Seriously, just watch Lindor do everything well and remember that he’s just 23 years old. If he put these numbers up in Triple-A, he would probably be a top-10 prospect in baseball. As is, he’s just a top-10 player in baseball. Allot your postseason attention accordingly.

Corey Kluber

If Lindor was the consolation prize for an awful Indians season, Kluber is your reminder that sometimes it takes a little luck, too. The Indians new they were getting something when they traded Jake Westbrook and his 4.65 ERA away, but they had to be thinking “middle reliever” or “fifth starter if everything breaks the right way” instead of perennial Cy Young candidate. His evolution is a reminder that baseball doesn’t always tape Baseball America’s top-100 list to its bathroom mirror.

Kluber somehow had his best season this year, setting a personal best in strikeouts per nine innings, while leading the league in wins, ERA, shutouts, complete games, WHIP, hits per nine innings, and walks per nine innings. He is the answer to the hypothetical question “What happens when a pitcher can throw whatever he wants, moving as much as he wants, wherever he wants to throw it?”

There are pitchers who throw harder. I’m not sure if there are pitchers who throw better. As a bonus, you can watch him to see if he shows the tiniest scintilla of emotion. It’s like a drinking game, but for people who don’t drink.

How Terry Francona manages Andrew Miller

The Indians had one good starter in the postseason last year because of horribly timed injuries to Danny Salazar and Carlos Carrasco, but they made the World Series because of Andrew Miller. And others! But with a huge assist from Miller, who was used like Terry Francona spent 30 days in a SABR think tank studying the history of the bullpen. The Indians had one of the best living pitchers ready for whatever mess came up, whether it was the fourth inning or the eighth. It was mesmerizing.

This year might be a touch different because Miller’s control hasn’t been otherworldly (3.0 BB/9) and he’s been dealing with injuries this year, but he’s still just about the perfect reliever, able and willing to pitch multiple innings to get the Indians out of whatever pickle they’re in. I’m not sure if Francona will be as aggressive with him, considering the Indians’ rotation is in a little bit of an improved spot this postseason, but he’s one of the best October weapons going.

He’s one of the best because of how Francona deploys him. Not all games are lost in the eighth inning, and it took a veteran manager willing to experiment to make us remember that.

Minnesota Twins

Byron Buxton playing center field

Okay, so here’s the deal. This is me telling you to watch the Twins because of a position player’s defense, right? It makes sense, but there’s a caveat: You might not see this player make a single outlandish play. The Twins might play nine innings. Eight of them might not mean a damned thing. And Buxton might not catch a single ball.

You just have to hope they do.

Really, this is a proxy for the idea that the Twins are good again with the help of their high-profile youngsters. Miguel Sano should be healthy enough to play in the AL Wild Card Game. Buxton will be in the lineup, firmly entrenched as a two-way contributor. It wasn’t that long ago that ...

Baseball Prospectus' Jason Parks told SB Nation that a non-Twins front office executive described Buxton's floor to him as Torii Hunter, and his ceiling as Willie Mays -- a Hall of Famer and one of the game's greatest talents and players in its long history.

Before you write Parks off as some internet goofball, remember that he owns a very diamondy ring from his time with the Cubs last year. That’s how talented Buxton can be — he can make people talk about Willie Mays.

Don’t know if he’ll ever hit .300, but watch him make a catch. You’ll get that part, at least.

The Yankees Death Ray

The Twins are 2-12 against the Yankees in four different postseason series over the last two decades. You’re watching the Twins for two reasons, then.

You want to see if they can overcome their historical nemesis, the team that has gobbled their souls and fertilized fields with the leavings. You want to see if baseball can sneak in a twist to the story.

You want to see their souls gobbled.

It’s not necessarily a binary thing, but it kind of is. What’s gonna happen? Dunno! We’ll figure it out in a few hours, but it’s going to be painful for someone.

That bullpen

This is not the same entry as the Yankees’ bullpen entry. The Twins traded away their closer at the trade deadline because their odds of making the postseason were so low. They are the accidental contender, and now they’re looking around, wide-eyed, wondering what in the heck they just did.

So don’t screw it up, bullpen.

Matt Belisle had a 2.55 ERA after the Twins traded closer Brandon Kintzler, with a strong 19-3 strikeout-to-walk ratio in 17 innings. Taylor Rogers was solid for most of the year, and Trevor Hildenberger turned into the high-strikeout, low-walk pitcher the Twins have been missing for too long. It’s not like they’re without hope; they made the postseason for a reason.

But I’m fascinated with the idea that the Twins tried to have their cake (deadline prospects) and eat it too (postseason). I want them to be rewarded, if we’re being honest. I like that kind of double-dipping, and there should be more of it.

Houston Astros

The best double-play combo in baseball

There are some of these categories that are a little too cute. This is not one of them. Do you like baseball, friend? Do you like it when the baseball men do good baseball things? Here are some of the best baseball men. They do the best baseball things.

Carlos Correa and Jose Altuve are Whitaker/Trammell, Fox/Aparicio, Utley/Rollins, Robinson/Reese, but with the potential to rack up even more stats. It’s unbelievable that these two talents, occupying positions that are so important, are both on the same team at the same time, ready to conquer the world together. Correa is the prototype, the big, strong shortstop in the Cal Ripken mold, someone with both strength and grace. Altuve is more in the Joe Morgan mold, all calculated twitch and muscle memory, with speed and power beyond what you’re expecting.

They’re basically Cal Ripken and Joe Morgan playing in the same infield, everyone.

The best part might be that Indians fans might want to fight me after that paragraph. I think I would take Correa/Altuve over Lindor/Ramirez, but am I really so sure? I am not. Now imagine them tussling against each other in the ALCS. Either way, you want to watch the Astros. They have a fine double play combination [whispers] with an outside chance of being the best in history [taps side of nose].

Justin Verlander

Justin Verlander is a postseason beast ... depending on which team you talk to. The A’s certainly never need to hear his name again. The Yankees don’t have fond memories. The Giants are cool, though, and so are the Rangers. The last time we saw Verlander, he lasted just five innings against the Orioles.

At the same time, Verlander’s second-half splits over the last few years have been bananas.

Coincidence? Perhaps! But the larger point is that the Astros were an excellent team without Verlander, but they’ve needed someone like him over the last few years. Or someone like his second-half version, at least. They gave up a lot of financial flexibility and some compelling prospects to make this postseason happen. The least we can do is watch.

The emotion

There are thousands of words in the idea that baseball can heal, that baseball is useless, that baseball is both, and I’m probably going to write them soon. For now, just know that Houston’s heart is heavy, and that most of the country is pulling for them in some capacity, and that’s before you get to the part where the Astros have a strong Puerto Rican presence, too. Between Correa and Carlos Beltran, the Astros might have two of the greatest Puerto Rican players ever, just at different stages of their careers, and they’re torn between two unfathomable situations in the two different places their souls just happened to land.

Keep this in mind, is all. When the crowd is cheering a little longer, a little louder, just keep that in mind. I don’t begrudge Rangers fans for maintaining their divisional and regional rivalries, but the rest of us should be invested in the Astros a little more than usual.

Washington Nationals

Can they win a freaking series?

The thing about the Nationals is they benefited from a changing system. They finished with the worst record in 2008, which meant that they got the first-overall pick in a draft with a consensus first-overall talent, Stephen Strasburg. They finished with the worst record in 2009, which meant that they got the first-overall pick in a draft with a consensus first-overall talent, Bryce Harper. This might not seem odd to you.

Except the draft used to have an AL-NL-AL order for the first 40-plus years. There were teams that finished with the worst overall record in two consecutive seasons without receiving a single first-overall-pick. But the Nationals happened to be the worst in a year in which they were going to get the first pick anyway, and then baseball changed the rules of the draft to ditch the AL-NL-AL order just in time for them to draft Harper. It’s a stroke of luck the Padres haven’t had in their entire organizational existence.

Now’s the time for the Nationals not to screw it up. The last time they won a postseason series was 1981, when they played in France, give or take. They’re led by Dusty Baker, who has an amazing reverse trilogy of brutal postseason losses in reverse chronology: the 2002 World Series with the Giants, the 2003 NLCS with the Cubs, and the 2012 NLDS with the Reds. Any one of those might be the worst postseason loss of any manager’s given career. With Baker, they’ve come in descending order.

It’s probably a good thing he’s not managing a wild card team. And the Nationals should probably win a postseason series. That’s all I’m saying.

Max Scherzer

Clayton Kershaw is probably the best pitcher in baseball still? But now I’ve added italics and a question mark to that statement, which is a huge step down. And I’m biased because Kershaw makes 18 starts against the Giants every year, which I have to watch, but the best starter in baseball might be Corey Kluber, yes. Or it might be Max Scherzer.

I’m starting to lean toward Max Scherzer.

He has a classic repertoire, a hard, darting fastball and an assortment of offspeed pitches that he can control at will. That’s it. That’s the secret. That’s all you have to do if you want to be as talented and rich as Scherzer. Throw that hard, and throw with that kind of command. It’s simple, and you’re wasting your time on the internet reading this crap? Buddy.

Watch Scherzer if you need some tips. I’m old enough to remember when he was an enigma, someone whose ERA didn’t match up with his strikeouts and walks. “Maybe he’s just one of those guy the advanced stats can’t figure out.”

Nah. They’ve figured him out, and he’s remarkable.

Trea Turner

I’m not rigging ways to point out that the Padres could have had Kluber and Turner leading the way in an alternate universe. The universe is rigging the ways for me. And Turner is a tremendous talent, albeit one who hasn’t ascended to the same heights as Lindor or Correa. Yet.

Still, let’s appreciate one of the most well-rounded base-stealing threats in the game, a dynamic player who can take second and third if he didn’t hit a triple to lead off the inning. He might not be an MVP just yet, but he’s still the kind of player my eyes are drawn to whenever I watch a game he plays.

Players this fast shouldn’t be able to do anything else well. It’s like the start of an old RPG when you get to spend all your skill points on magic ... and strength. One or the other, pal!

Los Angeles Dodgers

Clayton Kershaw and his ... history

It’s been a common theme around these parts since 2012. Kershaw is already a Hall of Famer, a few months before his 30th birthday, but he’s annually been pantsed on TBS or Fox. It’s uncomfortable to watch, and I’m telling you, it’s not his fault. The Dodgers have taken great pains to build their team around Kershaw on short rest, and it almost worked last year.

Another possible strategy might be something like, oh, not using Kershaw on short rest? Just spitballing.

To that end, the Dodgers got Yu Darvish, who was putting things together in September. Alex Wood was never going to go 20-0, and he stumbled a bit toward the end, but Rich Hill looked even stronger by the end of the year. The Dodgers should be able to use four pitchers, like a normal team, and go to Kershaw on short rest if they absolutely need (or want) to.

That should help him. But you still get to watch one of baseball’s greatest talents skeptically, as if nothing he did in the previous nine years counts. That’s brutally unfair, and it’s probably unreasonable. It’s compelling, though! Super compelling.

The pressure on the Dodgers after their wild rollie coaster of a season

It’s not just Clayton Kershaw who’s feeling a little pressure. It’s the entire organization. They haven’t made the World Series since Madden games looked (and sounded) like this:

That was a long time ago.

GAHHH. But, yeah, the Dodgers already had a history to fight against. Then came this season, in which they were the most dominant team in history, depending on where you started and stopped your search. They were going to threaten the 1906 Cubs. They were going to threaten the 2001 Mariners. They were going to obliterate the 1998 Yankees.

And then they lost. A whole bunch. They had the longest losing streak since they moved to Los Angeles, and you wouldn’t believe what Madden games looked like back then.

They won more games than the Indians, but which team would you rather be? The Dodgers stumbled to a 12-23 finish, and it took a little roll at the end to get them that far. I’m not a big momentum guy, but, uh, check out the momentum on these guys. It’s not so hot.

Which means you can watch the Dodgers to either prove that teams don’t give a rip about momentum, or to prove your secret theories about how momentum really means everything. There isn’t a team that’s less relaxed than the 2017 Dodgers on several fronts, so check in on them when you get a chance.

Clay Bellinger swinging like he’s trying to send himself back through time to court your mother

I don’t know why he would ... do that, but that’s between you, him, and your god. The point is that he swings hard. So, so hilariously hard. He’s a perfect representation of the new era, the best example of a kid who was told to swing as hard as he could, strikeouts be damned. He’s Joc Pederson after the software upgrade, and it works.

While he didn’t keep up the absurd pace he set earlier in the season, it’s not like he ever slumped dramatically. His lowest OPS by month was .835, in July. His OPS in the second half was lower than the first, but it was still .901. If the advance scouts and wizened old coaches around the league have figured out how to pitch to Bellinger, they haven’t done it consistently enough to show up in the stats.

Bellinger is still just 22 years old, and it’s a young 22, which means his wild-yet-patient approach can be refined to simply patient. And if he starts spitting on the pitches he can’t hit, woof, look out. That freaky-fast swing is going to set records.

Chicago Cubs

The fans

Specifically, the transition from desperate to entitled. You want to punch Red Sox and Giants fans now, but you used to want to leave a little saucer of milk out for them, the poor things. The Cubs fans are the same way. They haven’t quite turned on you yet. But they’re planning to.

And until they do, you’ll get to watch how the react to new successes and failures. Are they still stuck in the past, waiting for that third shoe to drop, even though they counted two shoes already? Or are they emboldened by their ability to withstand a devastating blown save in Game 7 of the freaking World Series, on the road, against the only fan base in the world that wanted it as much as them?

I don’t know! From experience, I’m remembering that it’s the second championship that makes you take off your shirt like a drunk guy and pretend you’re bulletproof. So until then, they’ve got feet in both worlds, and it’ll be a delight to watch. As long as you’re not one of them.

Kyle Schwarber

Jon Tayler of SI made an important clarification earlier this season, and I’m as guilty as anyone of ignoring this fine point. I spent a few weeks referring to Aaron Judge as America’s large adult son, and it seemed to fit. Except that was wrong.

You see, a true Large Adult Son isn't just a young man of oversized proportions. He's also a galoot; a big boy; a bit of a lummox who nonetheless provides joy to all who know him. He's a Hawaiian shirt in human form; he's the kind of guy everyone refers to as "Spud" or "Bubba;" he is, in short, a big fat party animal.

I mean, “fat” is a relative term here, but everything fits, and this is absolutely correct. Kyle Schwarber is America’s large adult son, and it was easy to forget about it after his injury last season. It was especially easy to forget about it when he was hitting like Dave Kingman at his last old-timer’s game and got sent down to the minors, but he’s back. After that absolutely ghastly start to the season, he still finished with a .467 slugging percentage. His defense is still very much “where do we put this large adult son if he isn’t catching?”, but he’s still walloping baseballs.

Since August: .888, with plenty of beef. My advice is to pay attention to the beef.

How Joe Maddon will manage a lineup that isn’t as dominant as you remember

If Schwarber is hitting, the lineup is on the right track, but there have been some developments since last year. Ben Zobrist is 36 with a vengeance. Addison Russell is still stuck on the glove-first part of his development. Jason Heyward is apparently Al Kaline with the glove and Michael Tucker with the bat. There are still players who can dominate, like Kris Bryant and Anthony Rizzo, but it’s not an unstoppable gauntlet quite like last year’s.

Enter wily Joe Maddon, who has tools to work with. Does Javier Baez start over Zobrist most of the time? What about Tommy La Stella, who was willing to retire last year, but is apparently excellent this year? Ian Happ could get some at-bats, as could Jon Jay. Was that Alex Avila at first at the end of the season? I mean, sure, pile it on.

It’s a bench that’s better than the lineup they faced in last year’s NLDS, and a little creativity can go a long way. Not too much creativity, Joe. but a little.

Baseball fan: *through sobs* you can't just say every player is a utility player.... Please....

Maddon: *points at Ian Happ jogging past* utility player

Just a little. It’ll be fascinating to watch Maddon juggle, though.

Arizona Diamondbacks

J.D.F. Martinez

There is a scenario in which J.D. Martinez reaches the World Series and exacts his revenge against the Astros. It’s half-summer camp movie, half-Tarantino, and it’s just about the worst possible nightmare for them. Be warned.

Until then, Martinez is the quiet, Pacific Time Zone version of Giancarlo Stanton and Aaron Judge, and he has a chance to be an October legend. If the Diamondbacks can win one lousy game and advance to the real postseason.

Looking back, it was always absurd that Martinez went for a prospect package that underwhelmed minor-league experts. Which teams right now could use Martinez, other than all of them? I get that Jay Bruce had some big hits for the Indians, but come on. Howie Kendrick was a fine addition for the Nationals, but look at this Martinez freak. Don’t get me started on the Dodgers messing around with Curtis Granderson.

Instead it’s the Diamondbacks who got Martinez, and he fit them perfectly. He hit more home runs in 62 games with his new team than anyone on the Red Sox, Braves, Tigers, Phillies, Pirates, Giants, or Cardinals hit all year. If it sounds absurd, that’s because it is, and he’s every bit the sideshow that Judge is in the American League.

Archie Bradley

I’m a big fan of the struggling-starting-pitcher-turned-ace-reliever conceit, and it’s always fun when it happens for the team that had the starting pitcher in the first place. Bradley started the season as something like an Andrew Miller-type, pitching two innings or more in several relief appearances, but he settled into a more traditional eighth-inning role quickly. Which is fine. He has electric stuff, and it deserves to be shared with the world.

It’s his potential to be something even more like an Andrew Miller-type that’s making me daydream. He has the stamina of a starter, and the Diamondbacks can use Fernando Rodney in the boring and brainless up-by-three closer’s role. We’ll see if they can use Bradley with the same creativity.

They should, mind you. Provided they get out of Wild Card Thunderdome.

Zack Greinke

In 2015, I pointed out that Zack Greinke looks like Joaquin Phoenix in Parenthood, and the tweet got four likes and zero retweets. The delivery wasn’t ideal, and I guess it’s admitting that I’ve seen a comedy from 1989 about three dozen times, which is about three dozen more times than most millennials have seen it, but, dammit, pay attention. It works.

The point is that Greinke is an interesting cat, half in the light, and half in the shadows.

Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images

Yeah, like that. And he’s a fascinating pitcher to watch, a real artist. He mixes and matches, takes off the fastball and adds to it, and it’s a delight. He was a mess last year, to the point where I wondered if the Diamondbacks should ditch as much of his contract as they could and start over.

The correct answer was nope. He was still good. Everyone’s entitled to an off year or two. He’s back, and he’s as good as he was with the Dodgers. That sure happened at a fortuitous time for his new team.

And looking back on it, I guess he just shares the same morbidly uncomfortable glare with Joaquin Phoenix. That’s what I was going on. The occasionally long hair just seals it.

Except, my god, hold on.

Joaquin Phoenix.

Phoenix, Arizona.

Arizona Diamondbacks.

This means something. I need you to deliver a letter for me.

Colorado Rockies

Nolan Arenado

This is the benefit of the imbalanced divisional schedule. This is the curse. I have to watch Arenado play defense and hit in approximately 48 games every year, and it’s the absolute best-worst. Charlie Blackmon might win the MVP, but I don’t check under my bed for him at night.

If it makes any sense, Coors Field might be making Arenado underrated? His .959 OPS (a career high) and gaudy RBI totals can be waved off by observers who are a little too cavalier with how they apply park effects. His career 118 OPS+ is closer to Pablo Sandoval’s golden years than Kris Bryant’s, so you can understand at least a little skepticism.

But it’s underrating his defense, which might be the best I’ve ever seen. I can’t claim to have seen a lot of Brooks Robinson. I’ve watched plenty of Manny Machado and Adrian Beltre, and both of them are outstanding. Arenado is better, and the nerd stats back me up. Watch the Rockies just for Arenado’s defense if you get the chance

Then watch him hit the snot out of the baseball. Because he can do that, too.

The chance that Coors Field will mess with hearts and minds

There’s a chance that the 2017 postseason won’t swing through Coors Field, which is both a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because maybe there won’t have to be a game there, and that place is a beautiful hellmouth that lulls you into complacency, and then the bloop hits start falling in front of your outfielders in the 68-acre outfield. Then your pitchers, whom you know so well, start leaving curveballs up, like there’s nothing on them, and then they’re tired sooner than they usually are, that’s odd, huh.

It’s a curse because that’s really, really funny when it isn’t happening to your team and you get to watch from the outside. You think you know how good Stephen Strasburg is? Well, here’s some COORS FIELD, SUCKER*.

* 7.20 career ERA at Coors

Oh, awesome, Jake Arrieta found his groove, and he’s back with the All-Star form. He’s rolling, the Cy Young winner you remember, and look out National league. Except here’s some COORS FIELD, SUCKER*.

* 14.54 career ERA at Coors

Everything you think you know about every team will be wrong in the prism of Coors. That’s why it’s a shame that we might not get even one series in this hideous hall of baseball perversions. It’s a lot of fun if you’re not emotionally invested, and I was looking forward to that.

Jon Gray

Gray is the prototypical right-handed power arm, the kind of pitcher who gets drafted in the top three picks of a draft. Except that kind of pedigree doesn’t mean a lot when you’re fed into the gaping maw of Coors Field, as the old gods demand. The Rockies have spent 23 first-round picks on pitchers since coming into the league, and the most successful one was probably Jason Jennings. Jeff Francis comes after that, and he’s tied with Jamey Wright at 9.4 career WAR.

The fourth-most valuable homegrown pitcher for the Rockies according to WAR is Gray. He’s thrown 319 innings in his career. It’s not that he hasn’t been excellent, because he has, especially this year. It’s just that Coors Field is where pitchers go to become sad pitchers, and the Rockies haven’t had a lot of success.

Here’s their best chance, then. Gray was outstanding this year, and his peripherals suggest that he’s a freak who can succeed while pitching half of his games at Coors. He allowed four earned runs on July 19, with the Rockies winning 18-4. That was the last time he allowed more than three runs in a start. He made 13 starts after that, with five of them coming at Coors, and he was still immune to the stray disaster start.

He’s that good. And while we don’t know if the Rockies will play more than one postseason game, you’ll at least get a chance to watch Gray pitch one. Take that chance.

[walkonwalkonwithhopeinyourheart]

So I decided to analyze every single corner goal liverpool have conceded since the start of 16/17 to see if there was a pattern. There is. via /r/LiverpoolFC

So I decided to analyze every single corner goal liverpool have conceded since the start of 16/17 to see if there was a pattern. There is.

Crossposting this from r/soccer, slightly changing up the language to be a bit less of a dick towards Liverpool

So as we all know Liverpool have gotten quite a lot of shit for a while now due to setpiece defending, corners in particular. I figured I'd try to find out where the problem seems to lie and whether it's more down to organization or just general incompetence.

Note: since not all of us easily recognize every player, let alone Hull City mids who are probably not even at the club any more, I'll usually be referring to them by the colors I assigned to them on my still images. If many of you find something particularly unclear then I will edit this post later.

1. Hull City (H): 3-1

Immediately we notice an odd setup: black is standing in no man’s land while yellow has to worry about 3 players potentially running into his zone. At the far post it’s a 2 vs 2 situation which is far from ideal. Black should be much further back to deal with no 25 and no 5s run as blue is already sufficient cover for his area. No 5 ends up in the duel which doesn’t get properly cleared. At this point green (Clyne) has completely let go of his man to track blue’s run which was entirely unnecessary. Woops.

2. Swansea (A): 1-0

This one actually isn’t bad. Blue covers the far post man so yellow can help in the center if needed, near post is completely harmless and there’s pretty much no chance for a Swansea overload anywhere, even in the center. However, blue ends up ballwatching too long and misses his man by about a yard, who heads it back for a rather unlikely tap in complete with questionable goalkeeping. However, during all this red lets his man chill in an extremely dangerous position at the far post.

3. West Brom (A): 2-1

Unlike the last example where 5 potential Liverpool players were able to provide cover in the centre, this time it’s only 4. Odd considering we’re talking about West Brom’s airforce here. I think having yellow take over blue’s zone to have blue as an extra man in the middle would have been better, since 2 men entirely dedicated to mark 1 near post man is overkill. A center player ends up rather impressively winning the aerial duel resulting in a goal.

4. Swansea (H): 0-1

Not keen on repeating the same mistake twice, Liverpool now use a whopping 6 men to defend against 3 men running into the center area. The downside is that Fernandez (a center back FYI) is covered by only Henderson who is 7 cm shorter and not exactly known for his heading ability. Unsurprisingly, Fernandez wins the aerial duel. After that, 4 liverpool defenders fail to cover 2 guys leading to the goal. Very alert guys. At least the closest one could have made an effort.

5. Hull City (A): 1-0

So this one is just terrible. Yellow (Henderson again) has to deal with 3 guys running into his area all by himself with only Emre Can even somewhat nearby to provide coverage. All the while 3 players + the goalkeeper are worried about 1 guy in the 6 yard box. What the hell was the plan here? Did they really think having 5 players run backwards was more efficient than covering their zones? Did a triple substitution just happen and Liverpool forgot to reassign the roles? Were they that convinced they would all go running towards the near post? (Actually we'll get to such a situation later). This also leads to Red having literally half of the penalty area all to himself a few seconds later. If the ball had dropped to that guy and he’d tapped it in it would have been talked about for ages. But alas, it took a far less threatening ball and a goalkeeper mistake instead.

It’s worth noting at this point that all 5 of these goals were indirect. None of them were assisted by the corner taker and they all needed an extra touch before leading to a shot. At least Liverpool don’t seem to give away too many threatening shots so far. It seems like a lot of these goals are just failed clearances landing at the right place.

6. Everton (H): 1-1

Everton’s short corner threat pulled Red out of position leading to a 3 vs 4 situation at the near post. Yellow has to worry about both his zone and helping out to deal with Lukaku if necessary. It seems Everton wanted to take advantage of this by trying to reach Lukaku indirectly, watch how the headed pass seems to be aimed wide and how Lukaku rather effortlessly moves past his man to get to the far post. So yellow makes the call to pull away from the center meaning green has to defend number 5 by himself. Unfortunately he (Firmino) wasn’t really paying attention and not only lets number 5 run but also fails to close down the goalscorer immediately after. All around just very bad defending by him. It seems like Koeman must agree that trying to head it through is the best way to score corners against this Liverpool side.

7. Crystal Palace (H): 1-2

The final goal Liverpool conceded in 16-17 and it’s by Benteke on a corner, how poetic. To be honest, this one seems okay as well, with what should be 2 people challenging Benteke in theory (Wijnaldum kind of leaves Can to it a second later), 3 vs 2 on the near post, no far post threat. The goal happens because a) somehow near post man gets a pass through that mess and b) yellow (Emre Can) didn’t think tracking the run of one of the biggest aerial threats in the league 9 meters from your goal was all that important. Note how blue (Lucas) sees Benteke coming but is stuck between deciding to cover the center or the guy annoying Mignolet. He makes the wrong call. Guys, either trust your goalkeeper to deal with the one fella or put a man there to help him out, none of this half and half shit.

8. Watford (A): 1-0

This one is odd. 4 vs 2 at the near post while blue is stuck defending 3 defenders at once (where have I seen that before?) There seems to be a communication error on who’s supposed to be picking up who. Green, red and blue end up all tracking blue and green target even though someone, probably red (Lovren), should have been tracking Okaka who runs off freely. Lovren and yellow (Firmino) seem to switch targets at the last second. By the time Firmino is with Okaka he is powerless to stop the 180 pound momentum carrying striker. Yet again, the goal took an extra touch to happen.

Also worth noting that despite 3 men accidentally doing the work of 2, they still manage to let Watford’s number 3 escape to the far post.

9. Watford (A): 3-3

Kind of similar to the previous goal, with a striker moving inwards leaving behind a pretty clueless defensive line. However this time they all run forward making the lack of response by Liverpool’s defense even more inexplicable. Maybe Liverpool were sick of leaving massive gaps at the far post they decided to stay there? Or maybe they were just knackered. Anyway, the goal itself seems questionable and rather flukey but it could have just as well been a near post header if the cross was better and Liverpool would have stood no chance yet again. Hell they didn’t even track this guy’s very late and far run, it’s like they knew they’d concede. Because they’re Liverpool, and that’s what they do. And we wouldn't want them any other way.

Conclusion: Liverpool aren’t great at defending corners, but surprisingly rarely do they ever concede a threatening shot directly from them. The fact that none of these corner kicks were assists is a pretty interesting and even kinda ridiculous stat. Most danger comes from bad defending by people who can’t be arsed tracking their man once they see the cross is landing somewhere else. This never happens through the middle, unless you’re West Brom in which case obviously the normal corner rules do not apply.

TL;DR: If you want to score a corner against Liverpool, aim for your biggest off center guy and let everyone else just run forward to score the inevitable tap in after it doesn’t get cleared.

Bonus: this didn't lead to a goal but it was still so unbelievably bad I found it worth mentioning: granting Harry Kane a comical amount of mouthbreathing space. Seriously, just look at this. Wow.

Submitted August 23, 2017 at 04:16PM by KVMechelen via reddit http://ift.tt/2vY3V7C