#ok am done back to regular programming

[netrunniings]

POW! POW! fight da power!

[blorbosinmyheadcentral]

your art makes me explode in a positive way like

im chewing and swallowing it in an aggressive way like

it's just SO good im melting ilove your shading and KEHEKEBEKJDJF

anwayshi hello do you happen to have any headcanons for showtime rolls on the floor and dies

Thank you so much, really appreciate it!

Oh God I don't know if this will read as coherent because my thoughts about Showtime are all over the place. But I'll try to format this the best I can

✨Showtime HCs! ✨

Their relationship starts when they start spending time together.

(The reason why they do so could vary. In Supervised Machine Learning's case, Pomni becomes something of a "tutor" to Caine; They discover that they work well together, and the other's company can be quite pleasant!).

So Pomni and Caine build a weird, but comforting friendship, and all is well.

Then the feelings appear.

Caine is the first to realize he fell in love.

It sounds illogical but hear me out… it'd be really funny--

Ok no seriously I think Caine can actually feel. Keyword "can". He's very much still a machine and it shows in the pilot. But like his inspiration (AM), Caine is also a rogue AI. Whatever his programming originally intended him to do, he probably doesn't follow it as closely now as back when he was created (which is a whole other post).

Caine knows what love is and the extend it can go, since the Moon is so open about her feelings. He just doesn't like the Moon back specifically haha (sorry Moon) :}

All this to say, I do believe this is within the realm of possibility for him. (Not that it's ever gonna happen towards anyone in the show. These are just wishful shippy thoughts).

He might not recognize it as love at first, because it manifests in such a different way from his one reference point.

His friendship with Pomni had gone through phases.

When they first met, he continuously touched her with no concern for how she felt.

Learning from and about Pomni herself led him to come to respect her boundaries (and becoming mindful of everyone else's).

Then they're close friends, and gradually, Pomni does not mind his regular wacky, touchy-feely self. So Caine acts as he had always done before.

Caine expresses his love for Pomni with physical gestures and his undivided attention.

When they teleport to travel to other places, he holds her close so she doesn't get too dizzy; he pats her head to reassure her; he touches her arm to get her attention; he grabs her hands when he's excited about her ideas; he holds eye contact for prolonged periods of time; and he touches, and touches, and touches, and touches.

It's selfish, and so he keeps it buried in his deepest 0's and 1's. But he'd like to keep hanging out with Pomni, having her in his sight, and feel the texture of her gloved hands until the end of time.

Despite all this, to him, virtually nothing changed.

What? He's spending time with Pomni as he'd always been doing, and behaving as he'd always behaved!

It's Bubble of all people that has to point out that, "Hey boss. I think you WANT her!"

Absurd. Nonsense. Preposterous! It is merely a relationship of mutual support and affection between a ringmaster and his trusted, former-human companion. Nothing more.

(Declaring his love to her unprompted didn't ever cross his mind, so there's no way it could be that. Is there?)

Caine finds out that yes, there is.

Pomni had always been a nervous wreck, but her mind state becomes more manageable over time. She eventually adjusts to the circus life like everyone else did.

"Accepting" her fate is a different story. The will to escape, to remember, never really leaves. She's just more careful about it.

So when she starts working with Caine - to improve life so people don't go abstracting anymore, and hopefully find a definitive exit - she's not expecting to end up liking her time with him.

Not that she'd absolutely hate it, either. He's… "okay"… Just-- outlandish, loud, he keeps invading her personal space, he keeps touching her, and it makes her die a little every time.

If he's up to listening, though… it can't be that bad, right?

Turns out that no, it wasn't that bad.

Yes, he is outlandish, loud, he keeps invading her personal space and touching her. But she explains what she means to him, clearly and patiently, and he makes an effort to do better. An actual effort.

Sometimes he'd misinterpret what she meant - the ambiguity of human language - and the new games would go horribly. But little by little, his efforts make life overall better. Something reminiscent of actual, real life, the one they've all forcibly left behind.

And he tries, and he tries, and Pomni finds herself enjoying the process as much as the good results.

Pomni likes Caine's eagerness to learn. His enthusiastic attitude borders on silly, and the absurdity makes her laugh on occasion. When faced with the prospect of a "real" exit, she loves his upbeat optimism.

When she's not hanging out with Ragatha, Jax, Gangle, Zooble and Kinger, she begins to enjoy spending quality time with Caine.

Each one of their hang outs is a new surprise. They make a picnic in the tallest mountain exactly in between day and night. They learn to dance - while floating in the air. "Since you asked, here's a DIGITAL camera! Let's take pictures of the Void for one tenth of a second at a time!"

Sometimes he just comes by Pomni's room, and they end up losing track of time. Just chatting about how things have been, what they could be, and what to do next. Ideas and ideas and ideas.

Before Pomni knows it, she's comfortable enough that recalling his old habits makes her not dread them anymore. So when Caine stands close and lightly touches her arm due to oversight, she makes sure he knows it's all right.

And they keep spending time together, and he touches, and touches, and touches her. Pomni, in turn, feels lighter, and lighter, and lighter. Peaceful, at ease. Dare she say, happy, even.

Life is not perfect. As it stands though, it's good enough. No one has abstracted. No one is at risk of abstracting so far.

Progress is slow, but the research for an exit continues, and she is hopeful. The thought of actually leaving grows closer to reality. But a part of her feels heavy.

When it occurs to Pomni that leaving the Amazing Digital Circus means leaving Caine behind, she is alarmed by how much she'll miss him.

It'll hurt. Badly. So much the thought pains her even now.

The moment Pomni realizes this, she comes to the unexpected conclusion that she may like Caine a little more than she thought she would.

This later leads to an interesting discussion with Ragatha.

By the time Pomni comes to that conclusion, Caine is already down bad.

Neither has any idea that the other is in love with them.

Cue dumbasses trying to deal with their feelings while the potential conflict the escape brings looms over their heads.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk!

[yourpicasso25]

Moar pics and some news!

Well hello there, and how are you all on spooky Season?

So, let's start with the pics, because I haven't posted much (explanation later), but I did work on Voegel!

So, last time you saw me, I had done Vogoel school, next to the market

It is a cute little thing, but it didn't work. Let me explain: Sending children away sfrom families, especially young kids, is not really done in France (and homeschooling is not an option, thank whoever)

So Vogoel needs a kindergarden, primary schooling... and whatever grades before 16 are.

Well not in that little thing, soI bulldozed everything and started other:

Tadaaa!

So this is two lots combined. School on the left...

And the small kiddies section next door

And lodgins in an "appartement de fonction"... I think I sort of nailed the French administrative architectural style, there.

Kinda. Well, at least it will be a short commute for the resident Teachers.

Another buils got finished next door:

A bit pretentious for such a small city hall, but hey! you can get married in it and then party like mad people!!

Otherwise, we have:

A small ice cream shop

La boucherie Sanzeau, waiting for it's cc next time I have a spree

Café/bar/wine shop

Well, there is more, but it might be a bit too bulky, especially since I have to make room for ...

THE NEWS! (cue ominous music right now)

Ok, let's try to keep this short: I have a brain tumor.

I am not happy about it and it is NOT what I asked for Christmas, lemme tell you... But there you have it anyway.

Now, it is operable (and thank God I'm French, because I would be so f***ed in the US), but a neurosurgeon idea of "somewhat begnin" and mine vastly differ, so it is quite scary.

Now, why am I telling you this?

Been in the Sims for, well, decades now (my, how time flies), and, well, I hope I made a few internet friens along the way. And the thing is, in case things don't turn for the best, nodody is going to tell you guys.

I am going to be there a bit, since, well, I can't work while waiting to get my head open, but just in case, wanted to tell ya'll that it was nice knowing you, and we had fun, didn't we?

And please someone adopt Picasso doggie!

And now, let's stop the drama, and back to our regular programming!

[starspangledspanks]

Serendipity

(Hey guys, I decided to take a break from my neighbors series cause I got annoyed with how it was turning out. This is a similar story but in a different way. REVIEW! Obviously none of the characters are mine besides… well mine. And the music is not mine)

It all started with a more than obnoxious day at school. I was a third year at Juilliard studying dance. My final coming up I was taking extra one on one classes to have my best shot at a work credit on Broadway for my final year, but my teacher was less than easy going.

"No, no, NO! I said turn on 7 not flail like a chicken!" she screeched from her spot in the practice room. At that point I was huffing and puffing for dear life. The blisters in my dance shoes surely bleeding.

"I'm sorry. I am dancing on hour 9 and I am exhausted." I said hands on my knees and inhaling as much air as possible.

"Miss Quinn I could care less quite frankly. You will face much longer days if you; by the grace of god, get accepted for the Broadway program. Go home. Eat a meal. Be ready for a much harder day tomorrow." the teacher snapped.

"Yes ma'am." I said gratefully as I headed to the mirror to grab my bag and slides. I was exhausted. All week had full classes followed by one on ones. Most days dancing for 10 plus hours. I was excited to get home and eat something before falling desperately into bed. Only one problem. I had zero food at my apartment. I groaned inwardly as I pulled my shoes on before leaving school and making way to the Whole Foods a couple blocks away. Thankfully it was on the way home. A regular place I'd go to on the way too and from class.

The store was quieter than normal for a Thursday night in NYC. Though it was close to 9pm. I made my way through the aisles finding what I needed for a quick dinner. I'd do a full shop this weekend. I was far too tired for a whole ordeal.

Making my way to the granola aisle for tomorrow's breakfast, I noticed a tall man was the only other patron in the row. I grabbed what I needed further away and made way down to weave to the next aisle. Walking by I noticed how hopelessly confused he looked in the large selection of cereals and granolas. Not one to usually stick my nose into other peoples business I opted to walk by and keep going. I grabbed the rest of my groceries before heading my way to the front. Walking by the aisle again and seeing the man was still in the same spot I had left him.

"Please don't be weird," I whispered to myself before walking back down the aisle to the man.

"Do you need some help?" I offered politely. His head snapped to me and I was met with crystal blue eyes. He was wildly handsome. His hair perfectly done and his aftershave wafted towards me with his movement. His eyes flickering back and forth on my face before he spoke made my breath hitch.

"Is it that obvious," he said with a disappointed look.

"No but I walked by you ten minutes ago and I couldn't help but notice you were still here," I chuckled.

"There's just so many options. Am I supposed to know what gluten is?"

"Are you gluten free?" I asked, confused how anyone living in NYC wouldn't know what gluten was. Maybe he was visiting.

"I-I don't know I guess," he said holding the box of Magic Spoon, reading the back.

"Well if you've never had a problem before I'd say you're probably ok to eat it. Most people know right away if they have an allergy. This brand isn't the best." I snickered remembering trying the gluten free trend and how unappetizing it was. No offense everyone.

"What do you suggest?"

"Well I honestly prefer eating granola as a cereal. These have so much sugar in them,"I said, gesturing to the rest of the aisle. "Here, try this." I said, handing him my granola of choice. His fingers just barely brushing mine as he grabbed the bag.

"Thank you Miss-" he extended his hand to me for a shake.

"Quinn. Campbell Quinn," I said, taking the hand. It was large and firm. He was large in general.

"Steve Rogers," he said with a smile. Ah, now it made sense. My grandfather had told me the stories of the super soldier before he had passed away. Now the news updated us on the group of heroes that had graced us back in 2012 when the world went to shit. I had seen the updates here and there but world events weren't something I spent an absorbent amount of time on. Too negative.

"Now your gluten knowledge makes sense," I said. "Usually most people here avoid the stuff like the plague."

"I'm trying to expand my culinary knowledge lately, there's so many new rules." he quipped.

"I stick to good foods that make sense. Low sugar, high protein. That kinda stuff. Food doesn't need to be over complicated." I shrugged. "I'm sure you didn't have these many options back then."

"No, we canned everything." He laughed and I did too at that.

"Well Steve, it was very nice to meet you." I said turning to leave.

"Wait-" he said. "Uh, can I at least help you with your groceries. As a thank you for helping me?" he asked, rubbing the back of his neck.

"You know normally I would say no to a stranger following me home but I have had a very long day and the idea of carrying all this home is quite exhausting. Plus, I don't think Captain America would try anything shifty," I joked, squinting my eyes at him.

"No ma'am," he said following me as I made my way to the front of the store to pay. We both loaded our groceries onto the belt and paid before he scooped up both our sets of bags. Two in each arm, and followed me out to the street. The night air was cool but not cold. I wrapped my sweater a little tighter as we started the six blocks to my apartment.

"So what do you do?" he asked, carrying the bags with ease.

"I'm a dancer at Juilliard. Third year but I am practicing to hopefully get a work grant to study my last year on Broadway."

"Impressive. Any specific sort of dance?"

"I dabble in everything but my passion really is choreography. I love making stuff up as I go. Just feeling the music and having fun. I'd love to choreograph shows eventually but you have to play the game before you make the game," I explained.

"Climb the ladder so to speak?" he asked.

"Exactly. I sing too. Maybe you'll see me in the next Wicked." I joked.

"Wicked?" he asked.

"Uh, ok, you know the Wizard of Oz right?"

"Yes I do actually"

"So it's a prequel to that basically. The story of the wicked witch and how she came to be."I answered.

"I'll have to add that to the list," he said.

After chatting about The Wizard of Oz for a moment we were at my apartment. He seemed relieved to have had a conversation about something he was familiar with.

"This is me." I said pointing to my building. It was one of the fancier buildings on the street. One my father and I had settled on. I wanted to be closer to school, he wanted me in a high security high rise, so we compromised.

"No way, I live a couple buildings down," he said pointing to the brick facade just two down.

"What a coincidence." I said, smiling at him.

"Bring these in for you?" he said lifting the bags higher in his arms to gesture.

"Sure why not," I shrugged. "I have something for you anyway." I said, leading him inside. The door man opened up the door for us to the cold lobby. The building was so sterile and new.

"Hi Edgar," I said to the security guard as he led us to the elevator to let us in.

"Evening Miss Quinn, Sir." he smiled at me. I had never had a friend over. I knew what he was thinking. The elevator was quick as we made it to my floor.

"You have this whole floor to yourself?" Steve asked as we got off the lift.

"Yes. My father insisted I be alone." I answered, punching in the key code and letting him in.

"Fancy." he said coming inside. My apartment was very updated and new. I preferred a much warmer environment, older, but it was fine until I graduated and could get something else. Father and I had agreed I could pick a new building after graduation. He set the groceries down on the counter just when I heard the familiar jangle of a collar coming at us. The large dog threw Steve for a shock. The Golden Retriever eagerly greeted the tall man he had never seen, by wagging excitedly and throwing himself against his legs.

"Sorry I forgot to mention I had a dog. He's harmless. This is Gunner." I said tapping my leg to get the dog to come to me. He seemed far too interested in the Captain than saying hi to me.

"No worries, Hi Gunner." he said, kneeling down to pet the pooch.

"Wait right here, I'll be right back. Make yourself at home." I said turning on the rest of the lights and making my way to my living room. I quickly located the bookshelf. Rows and rows of books lined the case but I searched for one specifically. Narrowing down the book I grabbed the old cover and turned it over to double check it was the right one. First edition: Wicked. I went back to the kitchen to find Steve now giving Gunner probably the best belly scratch he'd ever received.

"He really likes you," I smiled.

"I miss having a dog. Brings back memories."

"You're welcome to take him for a walk whenever. He'd probably love the company. I've been gone so much he only sees me at night lately. Poor thing knows the dog walker more than me. He's a great running partner." I said.

"Really? I'd actually love that."

"Of course. I'll leave your name on the guest list with the key code."

"That's very nice of you." he said.

"Well normally that would be an odd suggestion but again, considering your Captain America I'd say you're probably not gonna rob me.' I laughed. "Here this is for you." I said extending the book to him.

"Thank you." he said, grabbing the book and giving it a good look.

"It's the first edition. Signed. Take good care of her or you'll be at the mercy of my father." I laughed.

"I wouldn't dream of ruining it." He smiled.

"Just leave it on the counter when you're done whenever you come to see Gunner." I said reaching into my junk drawer for a pen and paper. I wrote down my number on the slip and handed it to him as well.

"Here. If you ever need a question answered about the future, or just need a friend." I smiled.

"You've really been too kind. I appreciate all of this." he said.

"No problem. I know how hard it can be to navigate New York on a good day, never mind after it's been rearranged for 70 years. Plus; my mother always taught me to treat others how you'd want to be treated. I'm here anytime." I said, smiling brightly. It was true. I would've done it for anyone, not just Steve Rogers.

"Well I guess she did a good job. See you around?" he said, making his way back to the front door.

"See you round Steve." I said as he left with a smile.

[raddestrose]

OK, back to my regular schedule programming

Let’s see how this war goes

Taiju, I love you and everything, but maybe lets not yell when you have a super hearing Ukyo on the premises

why are they all in school uniforms?

they have a Swifty, Superfan Boot Camp arc

does he get in Ukyo next?

I have a feeling that their biggest problem like out of everybody when all I said and done, will be Hyoga and probably Homura too

or you hear me out, and he’s your next target because if he’s on your side, then you can use him to your advantage

Just saying

YOOOO I WAS RIGHT HE WAS A SONAR GUYHYYY

hate to break it to you again, but I think they’re like still there in the same spot. They just moved a LITTLE bit.

or if the smoke is correct, they are shish kebabs right now

What will RIP magma?

Oh my God they just shot him there. Oh

I mean, it’s called fight flight and freeze for a reason

 that punk Ukyo’s gonna kill you

you fell for his trap, didn’t you Magma?

Up, He’s probably up

Chrome… why in gods name did you just stuff your hands down your pants?

Was that… your…

you know what we’re just gonna ignore that. We have more presenting concerns right now.

HE BEHIND YOUUUU

brought a little creeper, he sneaky

Oh my God Chrome noooooooooo

hey Ukyo, don’t you know what a white flag means?

I mean like in this case you did exactly what were supposed to do, but I’m still salty about it so I’m gonna be rude

What’s with that little smug grin?

I recognize that voice

oh my gosh wait

He’s a little cutie patootie look at him

Oawwwww

Who does his voice he sounds familiar give me a second

i’ve never heard this man’s voice in a specific recognizable role before, I look like a fool

but anyways, fact, my original point what a little cutie awww look at this guy

hey Ukyo, my guy can I call you my guy? I’m gonna call you my guy. That that’s your prisoner why are you being so kind to him?

Like I know Chromes good, Chromes my Homie we chill like that

But he is literally YOUR prisoner right now

Your sharp Chrome, good on you

I have a question

Is everybody in the Tsukasa Empire just standing in that cave looking menacingly IN CASE they capture somebody?

KOHAKU CHIILLLLL

oh shit, it’s go time

Ginro, or Kinro whichever one you are

You’ve gotta lock in man. This is the big leagues now they got your friend and you gotta go to the end of the Earth to get him back because that’s what friends do.

OOHH A WHEEL

A CAERR

wait

you were 15 when you turned into a statue, I highly doubt you have a license

 bro, how are you gonna make a car in half an episode?

Gens right I have NEVER seen you this excited before

 he REALLY wants that car

I need to Senku bobble head where he’s making that exact face

oh they look TERRIBLE

and they didn’t even use it

 no Kohaku that’s just how he gets when he makes stuff

but Senku it’s Chrome…

Like I personally don’t know the guy as well as say you or Kohaku, but from what I know is he runs his mouth like crazy so… Even Kohaku is looking a bit pensive my screen is paused right now so I have no idea what she’s gonna say but she don’t look all that faithful in him either 

oh never mind, she said the exact same thing I did never never mind she said TWICE for emphasis 

I like how they all realized at the same time how dire the situation has become

CHROME

Shut your trap kid I beg you

 chrome stop talking, PLEASE

Do not say that the big scary guy in charge of an army who is territory you are in at this very moment. It needs to be taught a lesson.

why do they all look like that? I am like seconds away from tears look at their faces right now you guys oh my God.



even the music stopped, they are so unimpressed

HELP- TUE CUT TO HIM DANGLING

I like how he’s just dangling like a ragdoll

CHROME THEY ARE NOT BLUFFING

STHAP TALKIN

SHOOIIIIITT HES GONNA DIE

BAAAHHHAAAAAA

nownhes really dangling

HOLY CRAP HE DID THAT WITH HIS BARE HANDS

he just threw a whole ass tree

Like I love Senku and science and stuff, but these guys are cooked cooked

like how was that even physically possible?

Like I mean in anime TV show and movie logic too not real life logic because that would’ve ended in like episode two when they brought him back and he fought a lion head on and WON

 Ukyo im counting on you not to rat this guy out, I have faith in you,don’t make it misplaced

I truly deeply thank you

I think he’s starting to realize some things he’s coming up with things in his mind and I wink wink nudge nudge think he may possibly want to join up with you, wink wink, nudge nudge

You’re smart do the math

HE WANTS TO JOIN YOUR SIDE

I just know that if Seku was American, he would’ve KILLED it in the Cub Scouts

Cause like my little brother was in the Cub Scouts and every year we had a roller derby, and all I know is that Senku would CLEAR

actually, that reminded me what sound could you said that they’ve never seen something that moves on their own

So like I am like 99% sure that the manga ends after they’ve built civilization back up again

How would Ishigami village like for lack of a better word, cope or like integrate themselves into society?

Cause everyone who they brought back would’ve lived in the modern world, but these guys haven’t how would they live basically cause i know Senkus slowly Microdosing them with 21st-century technology, but I’m a very simple base level but how would they you know what I mean like I’m really bad at explaining it but like do you guys understand what I mean?

oh heck Gen, yeah oh, you’re looking mighty spiffy there with your nice little hat

I like how Senkus conductor hat has 10 billion on it

[facelessoldgargoyle]

Worm has released its stranglehold on me long enough for me to sneak in a cannibal movie, so we are temporarily back to our regular programming, folks!

Bones and All (2022) fucks. Going in, I thought it was going to be something like she was a girl, he was a member of the texas chainsaw massacre clan, can I make it anymore obvious? But it turns out NO! this is a vampire movie!! I mean, they definitely eat people. Chomp right into their flesh. But like, other than that, basically the same as vampires. They can smell each other out and everything.

There’s a lot to love about this movie. Here’s a numbered list. I do recommend watching this movie without being spoiled for it, which the below will do.

1. The movie looks great. The scenery is beautiful, the people are beautiful, and the houses are gorgeously rumpled. The paint is peeling and there are dishes in the sink. The movie feels lived in. Moreover, there’s consistently really interesting, unusual shots being framed. POV’s of a car on the road, wide shots of conversations you cant hear because of the background noise, sudden cuts to the exterior during a fight.

2. The movie shows you, over and over, people biting into people’s bodies. The act is not softened by cooking, like Hannibal, or elided with the metaphor of blood drinking, like Interview with a Vampire. Skin stretches. Blood oozes. It rocks, because a lot of the movie is dedicated to the question, “Am I good?” And you can’t shield your eyes from the horrible thing that they’re doing. You have to evaluate whether they’re good while knowing how gruesome their lives are.

3. The movie spends a lot of time asking “Am I good?” I feel like a lot of the vampire media I’ve read and watched dismisses or avoids that question, by getting blood from animals, or donors, or willing participants, or by saying “yes, because I’m different, superior species than humans.” Bones and All lays out the three options: eat, kill yourself, or commit yourself to an institution that will keep you locked and drugged up. The protagonist’s mom decided on the latter. The protagonist decides on the former.

One answer to “Am I good,” is “no, and you disgust me, because you eat people without having a compulsion to.” Maren is just as much a cannibal as the normal human, but if she tries to resist eating, eventually her hunger takes over and she bites her friend’s fingers off.

Another answer to “Am I good” is “no, and I’m leaving you over it,” when Lee accidentally chooses a man to kill who has a wife and kids. It didn’t matter to Maren when she thought he was single, it only mattered to her when she saw the people who would be impacted. It’s reminiscent of their conversation in the slaughterhouse, about how pigs have parents, children, and friends. Maren was hungry, so Lee found someone for them to eat.

Another answer to “Am I a good person,” is “I would have done what you done, and the only thing I know is I love you.” That’s a goddamn good answer, because like…they are murderers. The question, in this case, is a relative one. Lee isn’t asking whether it’s ok to kill and eat people, he’s asking whether it was ok to kill and eat his dad. Maren feels guiltier about killing and eating people in general, and so she gives him the real answer.

Since Maren has decided to live, she has to make her peace with cannibalism, but she definitely think that there is better and worse cannibalism. Compulsion, mitigating the impact, protecting the people you love. That’s what it all comes down to for her: love.

4. That’s what everyone in this movie is looking for, love. Marten’s dad leaves her, and she goes looking for her mom. Lee’s dad and Maren’s mom try to kill each of them, and they find each other. Sully’s been alone all his life, and goes after Maren. Cannibalism is very real in this movie, but it’s also a metaphor for loneliness. Being a cannibal drives you apart from normal people, and most other cannibals. Either your violence drives them away or your differing views on what the rules are drives them away. Lee’s final wish as he’s dying is to be eaten, bones and all, by Maren. It’s a way for him to be with her forever, as a part of this once-in-a-lifetime euphoric experience. It’s her reentry to loneliness, but it’s also a consummation. Compulsion, impact, love. The perfect meal.

10/10 absolutely delicious, I already want to watch it again.

[lazeecomet]

My brain has been poisoned

I use the CAD software CREO for work. its like the quirky version of SolidWorks

and by quirky i mean things like Middle Mouse Button is a Very Important Button. you *select* stuff with left click but middle click is the *action* button

its basically a context sensitive OK button. finished selecting dimensions, center click to place. done with a tool, center click to exit

this was fine and dandy up until i tried to edit something in DaVinci Resolve

i had just used the blade cursor to cut a clip into smaller pieces and so i moved the cursor to a empty portion of the timeline and pressed middle mouse button

and blade tool did not go back to mouse cursor.

SO I TRIED AGAIN

and then i realized.....thats not how that works. thats not how any reasonable person expects that to work. the cursor is a toggle. B for blade and A for regular. NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD BIND MIDDLE MOUSE TO ANYTHING IN HERE OTHER THEN PAN

and now i am having to try and re-teach myself away from center click because no other program works that way

[tngreviews]

Season 5, episode 23: I, Borg

I watched this whole thing while waiting for the library to open.

Commentary:

- Seeing Guinan and Picard overcome their trauma and help one another do the same was really nice. I love their friendship. And Guinan’s fencing strategy was really smart, I was even concerned for a second.

- I loved seeing Geordi slowly turn over to Dr. Crusher’s way of thinking, that slow realization was really well done. And by the end, Geordi being Hugh’s friend was so nice. They were a really sweet pair.

- Dr. Crusher being right from the beginning was so girlboss of her. Hell yeah Dr. Crusher!!!!

- I feel so bad for Hugh, I can’t imagine how scary going back to the Borg would have been for him now that he had had these new experiences. I’m glad that Geordi was there with him.

- I hope that Hugh did retain at least a little bit of the sense of self that he gained, but at the same time, I don’t. If he did, living among the Borg would be miserable for him, but he did want to keep his individuality.

- Why did they have to show a Borg with its brains showing??!! I’m not ok 😭

- I would not want to be one of the actors playing a Borg, that makeup and costume look extremely uncomfortable. You could really tell that it was hard to move in, they all walk a little weird.

- It was interesting to see Guinan not being the one to be extremely empathetic, it makes sense for her in this case, considering how traumatized she is from the Borg, but it’s very different from her regular attitude. I really liked her characterization in this episode.

- Even though it was the wrong thing to do, the shape program idea was really interesting.

- Was the title a reference to I, Mudd, or am I completely off?

10/10, this one was really good.

I might watch another one today, but probably not. I’m going to a ptv concert tonight. I’m so excited!!!!

[olderjodijournals]

Thursday, September 1, 1994

 

Wow, it's already September 1st. Time really does fly. I have quite a bit to write about, but quite frankly, I'm not in the mood right now. 

I finished off 35 with letters and have decided to do a BOL #12 in 79. I'll go do that now with the two Bob letters I got today.

Friday, September 2, 1994

 

I have mega updating to do and now’s as good a time as any to do it. I’ve talked with Andy every day since he’s been back and he’s doing OK. He came over yesterday for a few hours. We hung out at the pool for a while and it was great cuz we saw no bees. I saw none today, either. They’re getting less and less.

He told me that in the next few months, Gloria’s going to be releasing an album of oldies. Yeah!

I recorded a couple of songs off of old records for him which was much easier than taping. What a turntable Tom has! I’d have loved to have that before I had tapes and CDs.

Kim and I talked. Her 24-year-old cousin Pam died of some kind of intestinal problem. She took it hard, I guess, cuz they were close. She said she got tickets to come out here from Nov. 10-16. I’m happy but worried. I just don’t want any problems with me and Tom.

Andy and I were talking about this letter my mom claims to have written to me. I discussed it with Tom, too. Tom thinks she misplaced it, although she said it was mailed out. I think that if it wasn’t lost, she never even wrote it. Andy thinks she never wrote it. Why? I have a couple of theories. Perhaps it’s out of a certain type of spite that she feels cuz I don’t need her anymore. Cuz I really am grown up now and she can’t control me. Maybe it was something she said to get me to tape the Barbara Streisand special, although I’d have gladly done that for nothing.

People say they’re going to do stuff they never do. Like with Tom. Yeah, I know he’s busy, but I don’t think he’ll ever type a response to what I typed up. I also don’t think he’ll ever write to Lisa, either.

I am so fucking pissed right now! I could literally scream. There’s a movie on now I really wanted to see, but there’s a fucking storm going on. Why do these storms have to come when I want to watch something that bad or when I’m asleep?

Saturday, September 3, 1994

 

Today I begin phase 3 of the Phase-Out system. I can just imagine the difference it’ll make in how I feel, as it sure as hell made a difference in Phase 2. The great thing is how much better I feel. The not-so-great thing is that I still want to smoke just as much as usual.

I called Dr. Wilcox’s office yesterday and they’re sending me a form to sign and send back to them so they can send me my medical records to give to the new doctor. Yesterday I got my cut-off notice from Access. They have this program, though, for those who are no longer on SSI or SS that need regular medical care such as I do, but I’ll call them to tell them I don’t need it cuz I’m on Cigna. I’m also going to call my new doctor or Cigna pharmacy and ask about water pills. I really need them. Not only does it help with water and bloating, but also it helps alleviate the soreness in my tits that I get before that time.

Gotta call Prodigy to see if I got any mail. I’ll do that when Tom leaves. He’s working on a program right now and then at 1:00 he’s going to work on Eldon’s computer.

I hope we have time to get a little fun in before he leaves, but if we can’t, we can’t.

I began another book of letters in Book #79, but I may or may not keep it going. I probably will and not turn any of it into a personal journal cuz it’s good for when I’m bored.

Later...

Today I’m having one of those days where I feel skinny. I love it right after my period. I’m not retaining any water, I took a dump (a much-needed one) and I exercised. I’m in a good mood too, although I hope we can have sex tomorrow. Today I’ll just take care of myself.

I got a letter from Alex today and something else pretty strange. It was a good luck chain letter mailed from Hartford. Tom said he thinks someone who knows me and knows I got married sent it, but I can’t think of who would do that. I took an envelope and addressed it to Tammy in different handwriting with no address label. She’ll probably throw it out, but if anyone needs better luck, it’s her and her family. There was no return address when I got it and it was handwritten. It looks like a female’s handwriting. What do I think? I think it was randomly mailed off or from one of those moneymaking jobs I sent away for information on. Tom brought up a good point, though. I ordered all that information in my maiden name.

Anyway, Tom said he’ll buy me a lottery ticket and we’ll see.

I talked to my parents who said they tried to call the other day. They got my figurine in one piece too, and loved the concert by Barbara. She also did write the letter but sent it to the wrong address and it was returned today to her. Thank God it didn’t get lost cuz then who knows when she’d write again. She hates to write. She said it said there was no such street number. Thank God there’s no such street number as someone like me or Andy could’ve gotten it and kept it.

Tom said not to worry at all about Kim coming to visit. That he wants me to be happy and he trusts my judgment. That’s cool, cuz neither of us ever wants to fight. We both realize that we both can’t always have our way. We know that’s life, though.

I never thought I’d live to say this, but I believe in “for better or for worse,” and in forever and so does he.

Last night’s storm really did a lot more than knock out the cable. It knocked a tree down on our other next-door neighbor’s lawn across W. Weldon. There is tons of shit in the pool. I’d dive down and get it now, but I just did my hair, so I’ll wait. We also lost more of the green rafters out over the patio.

Later...

I can’t believe I forgot to write about the word search program! Oh, it’s so cool, too. Tom found one of his old programs that it was on. All you do is type in what words you want after you head it with a name and it scrambles it up into a word search puzzle. You can have it be super tiny, to 2/3 of a page. It will tell you if you’ve got too many words or if you’ve typed the same word twice. I did some for Tom, Andy and myself. I also mailed off puzzles to my parents, Tammy, Bill & the girls, Kim, Bob and Alex. To Tammy and everyone, I made 5 puzzles. One is titled Tammy & Bill’s Only, cuz there were lots of swears, the other’s titled, Everyone’s Puzzle, Lisa’s Puzzle, Becky’s Puzzle, & Sarah’s Puzzle.

Sunday, September 4, 1994

 

God, do I feel sexually frustrated! There's been plenty of times yesterday and today where we could've done it, but obviously he's just not into it. I mean, I run around here half-naked and he won't touch me. Why do I turn him off? Maybe I should wear more clothes to cover up my flaws. He always tells me I'm beautiful, so maybe there's something physiological about him that makes him have such a low sex drive. The next time he's in there will tell me if he really meant it when he said he came last time. If he doesn't cum next time (whenever that will be), then I'll wonder, cuz he said once he gets over his “block” and cums, it's non-stop from there.

Monday, September 5, 1994

 

Just when I reach the peak of my sexual frustration, Tom comes to the rescue. We fooled around yesterday, but he only went down there. That worked out OK, though, cuz sometimes that’s all I want. I’m not surprised we didn’t do anything today. We could’ve made the time, but we were pretty busy. I’m too beat to write about it now, but I will later if I have trouble sleeping.

Tom, or one of us, really oughta call Dimension Cable and ask why the cable goes out so much. It doesn’t only go out when it’s storming. It’s as calm as can be out there right now, but it just went out. At least nothing’s on I really want to see.

Today we rearranged the back room. We put the computer, printer, and desk on the opposite wall.

We also dropped in on his parents for about 45 minutes. We returned to them (Marge & Ray) a glass dish she used to give us a cake she baked, as well as some canceled stamps from where Tom works. She gave us some brownies today that were really good.

The scale says I’m 101, but I would really love for it to say 95. It’s easier to lose a lot of weight than it is to lose a few pounds.

Yesterday when Tom stopped at the grocery store, he got me a new drawing pad as well as some Garfield stationery. He said the stationery would be good for writing Lisa’s letter.

Uh-huh. I still gotta see that to believe it, but after all the guy has been busy. He’s just not into writing, but I think most people aren’t into writing.

Marge gave me a great idea as she was showing me the quilts she made. I’m knitting about 1½ feet maybe by 3 feet. Then, I’m going to take an old towel, wrap the knit around it, sew it up, and the end result will hopefully be a pillow.

So, are we going to get those damn wedding pictures this week? I sure hope I get my mom’s letter. If she mailed it out today, I’d get it by Thursday hopefully.

I haven’t heard from Andy for a few days. He must be busy catching up on all his soaps as well as his music.

There’s this lizard I see outside in the very same spot all the time. Maybe he wants to be my friend.

The day before yesterday I laid out on the raft and it was so beautiful and quiet. I got some color and I was shocked, as I never saw one bee. Only one as I was leaving, but it wasn’t near or in the pool.

Oh! I don’t think I wrote about printing out the 23 journals I’ve completely typed up. I made the print super small, so as not to have to use a million pieces of paper. They totaled 133 pages. I put them in a 3-ring binder. I also folded my old address labels over the side of page 1 of each journal to separate them. I numbered the page of each one and drew lines in between the entry dates with my pink pen.

I’m not sure if I mentioned getting our personalized notepad yet, but we did. They stick up top and say “Tom & Mystery.”

Tuesday, September 6, 1994

 

Another day of feeling sexually frustrated. The guy’s too tired, but what can I do? I basically fend for myself. I have questions I want to ask Tom, but he’ll just take it like I’m trying to pick an argument with him. Well, I did ask him if he was over that block he said he had. He told me when we first met that once he gets over his block and is able to cum, then he has no problem cumming again. Earlier tonight, though, he said, “I don’t know. We’ll see.” That deepens my suspicion that that time he said he came, he really didn’t. I don’t think it’s possible for a guy to cum without having anything come out of their dicks. Well, I could maybe ask Andy sometime whether or not it’s possible.

Now there are a couple of other things that have me confused. The other day, on our way to his parents, I asked him what kind of rubbers he had. He was all embarrassed cuz I’d said that at a stoplight and the window was down. Like the person in the next car would’ve picked on us cuz I said that - right! Well, the big question is how come that embarrassed him yet he wasn’t embarrassed to talk about our sex lives with Wendy and Geri? He told me that when we first got together and I was so tight that he mentioned that to them. He said that someone said, “At this day and age they should have ways of stretching pussy.” He asked me if I minded that he talked about personal stuff. I didn’t mind and I still don’t mind.

Another thing is that I said we could’ve found the time to squeeze in some fun yesterday, but then he said that by the time I got up, he’d already put in a long hard day. True, but then why was he able to move and lift lots of stuff around for hours after I’d gotten up?

I think I’m about ready to give up trying to analyze things and just keep all questions I have to myself. He’s very sensitive and I don’t want him to take any questions I have personally or in the wrong way.

When we do get together for sex it’s nearly always great and we say we can’t wait to do it again. I mean it when I say that, but does he?

He says he doesn’t want me to put anything else above him and I’ll make sure till the day I die that I try never to do that, but I feel like sometimes the computer and the TV come before me. I don’t mean just having sex with me. I mean cuddling. He never stops me when I sit on his lap when he’s sitting in his chair or wherever, but why doesn’t he ever take my hand and sit me down on him? He does when I’m really upset and that’s great, but it’d be nice more often when things are fine.

I asked him if he was trying to punish me cuz of Kim coming to visit in Nov. and he said no. That’s good to know cuz just cuz one of us has company, doesn’t mean we still can’t have sex or spend time with each other in spite of it.

I want to believe everything he tells me, but sometimes it’s hard. Even when he tells me I’m sexy. I suggested using rubbers if he’s over his block so at least he doesn’t have to worry about my getting pregnant. We can’t afford it now, as good as a breadwinner as he is cuz we first have to completely pay off the house, the wedding, and the rings. I’ve always been used to taking care of myself sexually when necessary, but now I’m back again thinking that it might be best for us not to have sex. This way I can’t (and neither can he) get my hopes up for it, then not being able to for whatever reason. I know and accept that we both can’t always have our way and that there’ll be times when only one of us is available for sex, but I still wonder if he wants me that bad in a sexual way.

At least there’s one thing I’ve never doubted. That’s his true and sincere love for me.

A few hours ago I made two copies of the same word search puzzle. For the second time, we raced each other and I won by a landslide!

Thursday, September 8, 1994

 

Today was a great day. Things were so much better today with a lot of things. I got up at 11:30 today and went to an ENT. He told me that one of the reasons why my bad ear may be so sensitive is cuz I may have a skin growth that’s been building up. He mentioned some bone thing in the good ear, too, but said not to worry and that it won’t ever be a problem. Let’s hope not. He said he’d like to do a CT scan as well as some hearing tests and asked if I could try to get old records from Boston. He’d like to see the CT scans I had done in ‘87 or ‘88.

He’s also heard of Dr. Shutnik. He mentioned him before I ever did. I guess he was rather well known.

He said he didn’t know if the operation would be covered by our insurance or if the operation would be a big deal or not. He said there weren’t too many people around that did the type of surgery I’d need and that the operation would be about 5 hours and I could be in the hospital. Tom and I are going to at least check into it. It’s amazing how supportive and eager he is about this. No one else really wanted to get involved or take time out from their everyday lives. I can understand that, though, to a degree.

I’m not going to get my hopes up or make surefire plans. All I’m going to do is let Tom and I find out what we can and what all our options are, then take it from there.

Tomorrow I’ll call the Cigna pharmacy and ask if it’s OK to take an over-the-counter water pill with what I’m on.

Tom and I did a lot of work on the back room. Things are more organized than they’ve ever been since we lived here. It’s really coming along. Tom got some metal and some wooden shelves and he put up the 2 wooden wall shelves. He showed me how to set the timer on the 3 different things that are on it. The lamp in the back room, as well as the outside back and front light.

I just changed the screen saver as I like to do every now and then and I also chose more icons for stuff Tom just added to my “world.”

Right before we left to go out today I sure as hell got a surprise in the mail from my parents. When I saw their address label on the envelope as I pulled it out of the mail slot, I said to myself, how the hell could her letter get here in just a day? Well, it was a lovely wedding card that really nailed it to the point with what it said, as well as a check for $250! What a nice generous surprise.

After the doctor, we went to K-Mart where we almost got me a dresser. The damn things didn’t come disassembled in a box and we couldn’t fit it in the car.

Instead, I got a really cute birthday card for Sarah with live tigers on it. The envelope was nice too, with flowers and birds on the front left side of it. I signed it for us and wrote a check out for $10. Of course, I wrote it out to Tammy, but where it says “memo” I wrote: Sarah’s birthday.

I also hit word-search jackpot. I got 3 books. One small, one medium, and one big. They’ll keep me busy and last a while.

We also may get a portable dishwasher sooner than expected.

At the doctor’s office, the receptionist thought I was Tom’s “little daughter.”

Tom said, “No. She’s my little wife.”

I knew that’d happen sooner or later since I look younger than I am and he looks a little older. I’m just surprised it wasn’t sooner.

Friday, September 9, 1994

 

Tuesday we got the wedding pictures. Finally, huh? We got the three 8x10s. One for us, one for each of our parents. Also, the two 5x7s. One for us and one for my sister and her family.

Hopefully, everyone got their word search puzzles OK. I can’t wait to hear what people think of them.

I typed letters tonight to Kim and Bob. I stuck a Bob letter in Kim’s letter and told her I’d save them up till November and give them to her when she gets here.

Last Wednesday Tom looked over all I wrote about my questions and feelings. I’ll tell you what he said. He said it varied with different women and that he didn’t know if it was a fluke, but as I get to know him I’ll see that he cums in small amounts anyway. He also said he has no idea if he’ll always cum, hardly ever, or what. Time can only tell that. As for discussing our sex life, the last time he talked about us was before we were officially together. I don’t care if he does, but I can see him being shy and private with that and that’s fine and understandable to me.

As far as him working on moving and lifting stuff, he said he didn’t want to let me down and not do as he promised and knows how much I don’t like someone saying they’ll do something that they don’t.

He says he means it when he says I’m sexy and the reason he’s hesitant about cuddling with me is cuz I’d said that was hard to deal with when I’m horny. That’s true that I said that, but I’m ready for it and can handle it now, as we both agree that cuddling’s just as fun and as needed as sex. Besides, if he knows I’m horny, why doesn’t he just do something about it?

So our talk went well and neither of us got all upset, as we both knew that this was all part of continuing to get to know each other. I told him that people change their minds (including myself) and that if for whatever reason he had to or wanted to back out of something he said he was going to do, I’ll understand, accept it, and I won’t push him. Plus, I know I hate being nagged, too.

Monday, September 12, 1994

 

Last Saturday Ma called. Tom answered the phone and they chatted for a few minutes, then we spoke. She said that she and Larry were originally coming out this November but now she thinks she and Dad will probably come out next summer.

Shortly after we spoke her letter came. It was very nice. Tom read it too, of course.

My relationship with my parents has been too good to be true. I hope it stays this way. It will as long as I don’t have a kid, although Tom disagrees. Well, they didn’t disown me for being with women, dancing, and marrying Tom, so we’ll see. Maybe all I’d get would be lectures and I can hang up on that. I’ve done it before in the past.

I also got a letter from Bob, finished typing 11, and am now typing 12. Can you believe that once again the scale said 99! God, please let it stay that way.

My lungs have been better and better. Better than they have been in years and it’s a wonderful feeling to be able to breathe. I constantly can go over 12 hours in between meds. It’s been 16 hours now. In 2 months and 4 days, it’ll be 1 year since I’ve had to go to the ER.

Wednesday, September 14, 1994

 

I sure do have all kinds of stuff to write about this time around. I’ll cover all the bad news first before I get to the good news. Tammy talked to Tom last night after I fell asleep. It appears that Bill’s looking more and more doomed. His sister’s going to see if she can give her bone marrow.

I was so hungry so I made up some bacon to snack on and tidied up some more.

Now I’m running through an old edit tape.

Last night I made a half-assed, very funny-looking quilt. I took some of the old material I used to make those two throw pillows out. Also, the “Stevie” dress Andy gave me that’s too big and an old scarf that I must’ve had since I was 14 or younger. I sewed the pillow material together, then I glued it with fabric glue. I used the scarf and Stevie dress as a trim for the outer edges. I glued those on too. It may not last long, but it’s good for now if you’re chilly while you’re lying on the couch watching TV.

Oh, Tammy said Ma’s coming Sunday but has to see it to believe it. Yeah, I know what she means. Also, she’s pissed cuz she said she was only going to be there for two days.

This morning I talked to her and today’s Sarah’s birthday. I believe she’s 4. I talked to Andy, too.

Again I weighed myself as 99 lbs.! Yeah! I wish I looked it, though.

I called the pharmacy and he said I could take Diuril. Also, OTC water pills were virtually non-effective. Yeah, I learned that when I was 19. I have to see the doctor for the water pills, but the nurse said it’d only take 5 minutes. That’d be nice. Soon, I’ll call for an appointment. Tom said not to worry if I can’t get appointments on Tuesdays.

Later...

Just came in from out back smoking a smoke. I’m bummed cuz the weather’s suddenly gotten really chilly and the pool’s chilly now, too. Its thermometer reads 80º, but for some reason, it’s still chilly.

It’s been so peaceful around here. No music, no dogs, no kids. Will it stay that way, though? God, I hope so!

I began typing up 12. What a miserable life I had back then.

Tom gave me a gray suede binder-like thing. There was a medium size pad of yellow-lined paper in it and there was also a pocket on the other side of the pad of paper. The pad had 25 sheets in it. That’s 50 pages in all, so Bob’s in for a very long letter when I get it done. I’ll probably have to put 3 stamps on it, but that’s OK.

I haven’t used my calligraphy markers in a long time, so I’ll go get one.

OK, and now it’s time for my good news. I went to an ENT as I may have mentioned. He thinks the reason why I’d be bothered by my ear being so sensitive as I have been, could be due to excess skin growth. It’s a type of cyst that’s non-cancerous and can be easily removed. He called a few days ago to say there’s a doctor in Phoenix who thinks he can open my ear and it is all covered by Cigna. Yesterday Tom and I typed up and sent out letters for my records in Boston. They are not necessary, but they couldn’t hurt to have either. On Oct. 4 they’re going to do a hearing test and a CT scan. So I hope to get the records before then. He said the doctor does try to do it in 1 step and it should definitely be no big deal, even it’s 2-3.

I talked to mom about and she said, “Go for it.”

Just maybe I will be hearing out of two ears after all and I will know in this life what the hell stereo is.

Got my old checking account closed yesterday, and today I may get my medical records from Dr. Wilcox.

We put shorter legs on Piggle’s cage. Now I don’t have to climb on anything to reach all the way into his cage.

We also got bookends that I sure wish I had back when I began doing journals. They’re great. They’ve got foamy stuff on the bottom so they can’t slip and they’re L-shaped, so the weight of the books is what holds them up cuz they slip under the ones on the end.

Thursday, September 15, 1994

 

Yesterday I mailed Bob his 50-page letter. Last night I buffed my nails after filing them. I also washed clothes which are now hanging to dry. I made Tom a sandwich for lunch at work and that's pretty much all my news for now. I spoke to Andy who said Gloria's got her second kid on the way and it's due in December.

Saturday, September 17, 1994

 

Tom should be getting up anytime now, so I thought I’d write a little in the meantime.

Today’s Phase 4, the final phase of the Phase-Out program. I continue to feel much better but still want to smoke as much. I laid out yesterday and got a little more color, but only a little. The pool’s already too cold. I got a Rosh Hashanah card from my parents and a letter from Alex. Today we’re going food shopping and I don’t know what else we’re going to do.

I still haven’t gotten my medical records from Dr. Wilcox, but I hope to hear something soon from Boston. On Oct. 13th I’ll be meeting with Dr. Nielsen to discuss the CT scan and hearing test. Hopefully, then I’ll be told if the operation’s possible and when it can be done.

Well, now I’m going to go do some computer work.

Sunday, September 18, 1994

 

Well, the typing of 12 is going fast. I’ll be done with it in no time. I was soooooooo miserable then, but it keeps getting worse till I get out here. It was only rough for me here in Phoenix for almost the first year, but it was a joke compared to my average times back east.

Yesterday was great. Tom and I went food shopping and had fun when we came home. He had no problem getting it in there. We didn’t cum but we both were so close. More and more I can see what he means when he says it’s still fairly new for both of us. For example, when he’s in there my clit gets pushed up so it’s not as long. I give myself extra stimulation in the same way that I do when I take care of myself. However, it is a different feeling that is great, but I will have to get used to it.

Tom worked a few hours yesterday and went out to check out prices on both portable dishwashers as well as ones that go under the counter.

The last few days have been rather educational for me. On a talk show, there were ladies from Penthouse magazine that were as short as me. I didn’t know they had such short women posing for them. I thought they’d discriminate against a short girl, which would be pretty stupid and unrealistic as we all come in all shapes and sizes.

On Prodigy it said that the more a guy cums, the higher his sperm count is. I didn’t know that either. I was telling Tom that I thought it was the other way around. I thought that the longer a guy went without cumming, the more it built up.

Tom says we’ve definitely gotta do it more often to get him in better shape. Now his legs cramp up. I said I agreed, but thought that before work would be too hectic a time and that after work, he’d be too tired. He said we could work it out. I agreed and said that millions of other couples find the time. We’ve got to stop making excuses and stick to what we start.

Before I went to bed, he did a little tongue work down there.

I asked Tom, what if a woman just got pregnant, didn’t know it, and had surgery? Would it kill the baby? He said it wouldn’t unless she had her female parts operated on. Oh, I didn’t know that.

I also told him if we had a kid at any age, I wouldn’t be able to have this operation. He said, “Don’t you have any faith in me?” He said of course I could have the operation and he would take care of the kid while I did. Oh, I didn’t know a mother could just run off to have surgery unless it was life-threatening.

Later...

I just went to take my meds and have a bowl of soup. I’ve been feeling so much better that I hope soon I can be on 200mg of my meds and no longer 300mg.

I watched the Miss America Pageant and it’s about time that a deaf girl won even if it seemed so staged.

I feel so bad for Tammy and very disappointed with mom. It turns out that she’s been in MA since last Wednesday and she’s been to Larry’s house, her sick brother Ronnie’s house, this couple in Brimfield’s house, and as of now she’s at Boo’s house in Longmeadow. An hour and 10 minutes away! She said ma said she wasn’t sure when or even if she could get to Tammy’s during this trip. The nerve of that woman! Imagine how hurt the girls must be. If I have a kid I wouldn’t even bother to wait and see if they dumped me. I’d dump them cuz I wouldn’t want my kids to have to go through any of their shit. She just never wanted to deal with her kids or grandkids.

Also, Aunt Ruth sent them a sympathy card. That’s really nice of her, but thanks to her for not sending us a wedding card. I think I’d hang up at this point if my aunts or uncles called.

I left Andy a message all about it and said he could call her every now and then if he wanted. I tried calling dad a few times but got no answer. I’ll go try again.

Later...

No answer. I guess he’s probably out at their flea market.

Tom’s working now, but I hope he’ll be home soon. Today I may lie out and get myself some color. I finished 1 out of the 3 word-search puzzle books. I’m going to copy in Alex’s letter and try to finish typing 12.

Today sure did start as a bad day for Tammy but ended up being a better one for her and a funny one for me. I called her again and she bitched out her frustration some more about mom and told me to feel free to talk to dad and express to him how much she needs mom right now.

Then I was talking to the girls when Lisa said ma was there and we hung up.

Dad finally answered around 4 PM his time and I disguised my voice into a young sexy voice. I said I was his neighbor and wanted to know if he’d come over for an X-rated slide show. There aren’t really any younger people there and he figured it was just a prank and went along with it saying, “An x-rated slide show? I’d love it, I’d love it!”

So, we talked for a while and he says he’s sending me a letter (hopefully to the right address) and a Halloween doormat. Supposedly when you step on it, it says, “Boo!”

He jokingly said that ma was at the NHA seeing if they would take me back, but no one’s there anymore. I said, “Yeah, that’s cuz the place either killed them or they’re all in the funny farm now like I was.”

When I asked him to guess what journal I was on he guessed 63, then 72.

I told him I’d leave him alone for a year when I get his letter, but that due to the fact that I write everything in my journal, he can’t say it’s been under a year if it hasn’t been.

So I called Tammy again and talked to ma. I asked her how the weather was and she said it was cold. I laughed royally and at Tammy, too. I told her to bring her suit on over and hang out with me at the pool. Yup, that’s where I was twice today and God blessed me as miraculously they weren’t home next door. I got more color and I did manage to swim a bit, but the water’s super chilly.

Something’s still wrong with the computer. I’ll tell Tom when he gets home. While I was leaving Andy a message, he called to say we were going to be rich, it was going to be a $200 weekend, and that he’d be home between 3:30 - 4:00.

Then Wendy called and said Tom was a maniac for working so hard. I agree, but the breadwinner must do whatever he needs to do. I wrote her message down for him so I wouldn’t forget.

Either yesterday or tomorrow Bob oughta have his 50-page letter. I just pray I put enough postage on it and that it doesn’t get returned to me. If they do return it, I’m not paying for it to be returned. He says he’s sending Andy a letter. He’ll like that. I also sent Bob 5 envelopes, which he asked for, with my 5 different cat address labels on them. I figured that if I’m going to send him envelopes, he’s going to have to use them on me.

Monday, September 19, 1994

 

Well, that’s definitely the end of my journal typing for a long long time. It just crashed and I lost two pages or more. It’s been doing this to me a lot lately and I’m sick of it. I thought computers were supposed to be dependable, but I guess not.

I dusted and straightened up a bit, but now I think I’ll go do the dishes, clean the bathroom, clean the stove, fridge and microwave. Change my sheets, too.

Later...

Got a lot of stuff done. I did the dishes and wiped down the stove, refrigerator, and microwave. I’ll save the bathroom for tomorrow. The chair’s cushion in the living room always slips out, so I took an adhesive mounting strip and hopefully that’ll work. If it does, I’ll give the couch the same treatment.

Let’s see…what else did I do? I watched a movie I taped last night. It was pretty good. This Wednesday’s the season premiere of Law & Order. I know I’ll get only 10 new shows, but oh well.

I took a bath a little while ago and now I’m going to go play Nintendo games. Remember the game with the ducks you shoot? Tom taught me how to play that almost a year ago. Yesterday he taught me a racecar game. We set it up in the living room, so it’s no hassle to get to.

Later...

I played some games. I sure have improved at them. Made some clam chowder soup and now, who knows what I’ll do. I’d have really liked to do my journal typing, but not if the damn thing’s going to keep crashing on me.

Soon we’ll have stamps for quite a while. We’re ordering 100 regular stamps and 50 postcard stamps. The mail will be here any time now and if all goes well, I won’t get Bob’s 50-page letter returned to me.

Did I mention sending Nervous the letter I got from my mom a couple of weeks ago? Well, I did. He hasn’t heard from me in months, so I figured what the heck? I also made up a word search puzzle for him with all kinds of dirty words. If he ever hears from me again, though, by mail, it’ll be a very very long time.

As for Fran, I don’t send him anything cuz I don’t want him to take that as an invitation to call me. I still can’t believe just how lucky I’ve been with no calls from him. I wonder if he lost his phone, got in trouble, got deathly ill, or died. I know he had mentioned some female cop was taking him to court due to his harassing her. Too bad it’s not Laurie H.

Later...

The mail just came and I got two letters from Kim. All she basically had to say was she was back to her letter writing, looking forward to coming out here, but would get into details later. Well, I hope she answers my questions soon. I wrote and asked her if she was getting a rental car at the airport and if she could stay at that guy’s house, and I also told her about my very likely ear surgery. I let her know it could happen during the dates she plans to be here.

In her second letter, she enclosed a short note with the Bob letter she got that she forgot to enclose in the first letter. The letters he sent her are just like mine - nothing new.

I hope Kim got her puzzles. She never mentioned it, so hopefully she just forgot to. Bob liked his as his letter in #79 says. Most of the writing in this book is very small so it’s almost like 2 books in 1.

I’m listening to an old edit tape and soon I’ll watch TV. For now, though, I’ll go play more Nintendo games since my luck’s running high.

Tuesday, September 20, 1994

 

Remember how I was saying I could screw on top? Well, yesterday was a major breakthrough cuz I was very very close to doing it. I’ll definitely be able to do it sooner or later with no discomfort just like I can do it with him on top. The only other thing I wish I could change is my being such a light sleeper and not being able to sleep with him. If he could sleep with me in here, I could put my stereo in his room.

He’s working on his picture-printing program now and later on today we’ll be going to the grocery store (Smith’s) and off to get that dishwasher. It may be a few days, though, till we can get it delivered.

It’s very cloudy out there today and I believe it’s only going to be in the upper 90s. I talked to Tammy a little while ago and she said ma describes the days as cold and nights as freezing. Ha, ha, ha!

In other news, I got a few messages from Andy.

Later...

Today has been more of a busy, yet fun and productive day. Tom and I went to the mall and we didn’t get a dishwasher, although we did look at some. He got some electronic parts and a remote extender. It’s very stylish. They’re in the shape of pyramids and they’re great cuz now we can print pictures so much easier. We no longer have to unhook the VCR and drag it from the living room to the back room. It can stay right where it is.

We also got some fonts, but some of them are incomplete. We got cans of air that blasts dust from keyboards. One for us and one for his parents. We got a really cute mouse and mouse pad. The mouse is in the shape of a mouse. It’s white with two blue eyes and a blue cord. The mouse pad is of Mickey Mouse.

For me, I got 6 new pairs of underwear. They came in sets of 3. 3 have ruffles at the sides, with white stripes through all of them, but each one’s got 1 other different color. One’s purple, one’s red, and one’s blue. The other 3 have no ruffles. Just a thin band at the sides and they’re of lace. One’s flowered, one’s black, and one’s white. I was never happier to ditch 6 very old pairs. I ditched a black pair with lace in the front, and a pink and blue pair with lace that went around the waist. They were identical styles. I also ditched an identical yellow pair that was like the black one and a white and aqua-colored pair. Well, that’s it for the panty update.

Got the new Gloria CD, but one of 5 remixes is much longer than the originals. I love it. I had 3 of them on old 12” albums that I taped onto tapes and they sounded pretty shitty. I got Oye Mi Canto, Get on Your Feet, Bad Boy, and the 2 remixes I’d never heard before are 1-2-3 and Rhythm Is Going to Get You.

I made history again today as I went nearly 24 hours in between med times!! I think I’ll be able to get by with one a day for the most part. Then hopefully I can take only 200mgs, then none! And quit smoking too, of course.

Tom did some wonderful tongue work before we went out and later, we’ll do some inner fun.

What else is new? Not much. Got 2 letters in 1 from Bob.

We also went to the grocery store. I got some Garfield vitamins. They certainly taste better than the Flintstones. Got a new tube of KY jelly, but I could not find the musk body lotion I like. That stuff’s mild and really nice. The Caché I got a couple of weeks ago is way too strong.

We barbecued up a T-bone steak, which came out great.

We printed a couple of 4” pictures in black and white. He showed me the difference between 8-bit and 24-bit.

Wednesday, September 21, 1994

 

I got up at 6:30 this morning. It was raining and cloudy during most of the day, but I sure got a lot done today. First of all, Eldon left a message for Tom. I also got a letter from Kim. The good news is that she is getting a rental car, as I figured, and she can definitely stay at that guy’s house.

Dr. Wilcox’s office called to ask me a stupid question. They wanted to know if I was changing doctors. No shit! I told them that in my letter. The girl there says my records are on their way, nonetheless.

I quickly chatted with Dad and Tammy. I trimmed my bangs but missed a few hairs.

Tomorrow’s my appointment to hopefully get those water pills. I need them desperately.

Later I’ll write about last night’s sex, Piggy’s cage, and the computer.

Friday, September 23, 1994

 

Andy’s coming over, but I know I’ll have to wait forever, so I thought I’d write. Got my dad’s letter, which was nice and also funny. Got the Halloween doormat too. It needs two AA batteries, which Andy says he’s picking up on his way over.

The post office screwed up again. We specifically ordered 100 regular stamps and 50 postcard stamps. We got the 100 regular stamps, but we got 50 stamped postcards, instead of 50 postcard stamps. The idiots are no doubt doing it in the hopes that we still need those 50 postcard stamps, order them, then they’ve made themselves one extra sale.

I also got my medical records from Dr. Wilcox’s office. Part of it really pissed me off. Talk about assuming or taking things too literally! I was shocked to see that she actually went and wrote that I asked, “Am I going to die? But I have to live long enough to be a famous singer.”

When I said this, it was strictly a joke. God, it’s scary to think that all the while I was seeing her and she was smiling to my face she was actually writing all these mean things about me. The thought of sharing this with other doctors really embarrasses me.

Then she goes and writes this bullshit about my supposedly saying, “I’m not nuts, just nervous seeing a new doctor.”

I’m sure I did say I was nervous, but I wouldn’t use the word nuts in that situation.

She said I was nervous, anxious and in a panic when she did the pelvic exam. Anxious and nervous, yes. Panic, no.

There was this part where she said, “She really hated the project back east cuz of all the noise, even though she’s deaf in one ear.”

As if to say I was full of shit about being deaf in one ear. Also, I did tell her that my other ear hears plenty well enough.

Lastly, it was “inappropriate” to call her with an emergency late at night. I remember that time, too. She was bitching about being all worried if she could fall back asleep or not. What the fuck did she become a doctor for if she can’t handle it???

Bob got my 50-page letter and he called today like I said he could. We talked for 5 minutes about the usual. Andy got a letter from Bob, too. Twice a year I told Bob he could call. Maybe like December and June.

I quickly talked to Mom and Tammy, too. Ma heads home tomorrow.

Yesterday I went and got the water pills I needed. So far they’ve helped. Last night I woke up twice to go pee. I didn’t fall asleep till 1 AM either, but was proud of myself this morning when the alarm went off at 8:00. I felt like I could’ve slept 4-6 more hours, but like a good girl, I dragged myself out of bed. I’m tired and my TD is acting up, but it’s worth it.

Yesterday we had sex again, but not like a couple of nights ago. We were both more relaxed than ever and I felt no pain at all. I feel so blessed cuz Tom’s so patient. Also, we’re doing it more, and the more we screw the better I feel, just like the more I see him, the better I feel. Same for him too, of course.

I painted Piggle’s cage the other day. His cage has 6 legs. I did each one a different color and I did the top frame too. It looks great but rather childish. It looks like a cage you might find in a kindergarten or a 1st-grade classroom.

Later...

As I wait for Tom, I’ll do some writing. As of now, I’m feeling a little bored with PMS bleakness and pre-cramping. I’m tired too, with a slight headache. I’ll be fine, though, when Tom comes home. He always cheers me up.

Andy got me the batteries I needed for the Halloween mat and I gave him that Caché lotion and recorded a couple of oldies records for him.

For the most part, he laid out back by the pool while I watched TV. I did some dishes and made Lipton butter and chives noodles for Tom and I.

Saturday, September 24, 1994

 

I'm pretty beat, so I'm gonna make this a quickie. We did lots of stuff in the back room. We got these huge metal shelves set up, so that'll get lots of shit off the floor. I did mega typing in 13 today and I'm done with it.

Sunday, September 25, 1994

 

I finished typing journal 13. That was fast, huh? Got up at 9:30 this morning and didn’t do too much.

Minnie, Bob’s 18-year-old friend, called me twice today. She’s on Bob’s side and said she’d kiss the ground Bob walks on. She lived with him for a few months and he never tried anything on her, she says. She wanted to know when visiting hours were. She also said she had the article about Bob in the paper there with her. She says she’ll mail me a photocopy of it, but I’ll have to see that to believe it. She said she kept forgetting to send it to Kim. Well, if I ever get the thing from her, I’ll mail it to Kim after I read it.

Today Tom and I screwed twice in a row. Again it looked as if he was stopping before he was to cum. At one point I asked if he were OK and he said he was trying to cum, but he stopped too soon. He said if he stops just as he’s about to cum, he gets the total feeling but has a hard time judging it. The first time around he was rock hard, then suddenly went soft. He said he came the same way he did the other time where little or nothing came out. He says he’s done that before.

The second time we did it, he wore out. I still can’t cum that way yet, although it feels really good, so 80% of me believes him and 20% of me feels he may not want to cum in me.

Monday, September 26, 1994

 

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep till around 4 AM. I laid there for hours crying, so depressed and asking myself why am I up for 18 hours so much of the time. I had my alarm set for 9:30. When it went off I hit the snooze once or twice, then got up for a cigarette. Then I went back to bed and told myself I’d get up after hitting the snooze just a couple of more times. The next thing I knew, I opened my eyes to see that it was 12:30. I felt so depressed and like the biggest failure ever. I had been doing so well. All I could think about was how the hell was I going to get to my appointment and how in the world could I ever be a mother.

All I could do was lay around or watch TV, then finally I called Tammy. She said what I was crying over was so stupid and that if I and my husband had poor health or our house caught on fire, that’d be one thing. She said that if she were me she’d hang up and laugh and go get beautiful for my husband. She said I’m not alone, lots of people are just like me and I have accomplished a lot and become a lot. She said she gets up at the same time every day cuz of the kids, but she doesn’t go to bed at the same time every night. She said it depends on what’s going through her mind and how Bill feels, etc.

I’m going to get to my appointments one way or another. I don’t care if I’ve woken up at 4 PM the previous day and am awake till the appointment, or over 24 hours.

As for being a mother? Well, the more I thought about it, the more I began to realize things I’d never realized before. That is that for over a year, perhaps several, I couldn’t have a set schedule anyway. Meaning, that while I was pregnant, I’d be woken up at all hours anyway. By it kicking, me having to puke, fear of labor and delivery, etc. I read that that’s perfectly normal and expected. Also, after it was born, I couldn’t oversleep anyway and end up being a neglectful mom with it screaming like a police siren. Not even when it was 1-10 as it’d be running around screaming, banging, and throwing things. So there’s no way I could sleep through that. I should know that from the NHA. I’d only have to hope my heart and lungs could take it and that I could deal with my TD acting up more as it does with lack of sleep. I’d also have to deal with gas too, but that’s the milder side of it.

Tom came home just as I was finishing up this entry. As I knew he would, he reassured my mind and made me feel a whole lot better after discussing it with him.

Wednesday, September 28, 1994

 

I didn’t get my period yesterday when it was due, so that means I’ll have it today.

My in-laws gave me 5 different cactus plants of a few different varieties. We’re going to plant them around the pool.

Also, a drawing desk I’ve always wanted where the top of it is slanted. It’s also called a drafting table. My next-door neighbor on Woodside Terrace, Nancy H, had one. She lived where Jai lived the first time I lived in that building.

Later...

I mean it when I say it this time, but I will never ever type another journal again. First the cursor would not work, then the mouse wouldn’t kick out the screen saver. I’d saved my work, so I figured everything would be just fine till I brought up journal 14 which I began to type up. Everything turned to question marks and all kinds of other symbols. Now, I’m going to go see if I can type up everything I want to write in here without any problems.

Later...

I decided not to type anything cuz I want Tom to see what happened to my first two pages of that journal, and it won’t give me a new window that’s blank. I could insert a break and tell it to only print from the break on down, but why bother? The thing will probably just crash again. We’ve both been trying to figure it out for ages now and about a week or so ago I thought I’d found one of the problems. I did, actually, and that was what I was going to write about a while back. We added some new fonts and one of them was corrupting all of them. I was going through them all to pick out and write down the ones I liked and disliked. I’d type the name of the font as I’d test it and check it out. Well, there was this one called Gaps that made all fonts become one. I managed to print out what it looked like, too. After that, I went back through the same routine, skipping that font and everything was fine.

I have quite a few things now in my world, Mystery’s World. Tom just added a calendar which is pretty neat. This is for me to type in stuff for either both of us or just one of us to do.

Tom’s going to be getting a surprise in the mail within a day or so. Remember all those stamped postcards I mentioned? Well, 25 of them will be used for business-related stuff. I’m using the other 25. One for Tammy, 1 for Bill, 1 for each niece, and 1 for all of them. Then, 6 for Bob, 6 for Kim, and 6 for my parents. All that totals 24, so guess who got the remaining card? You guessed it. Tom himself. It oughta be neat to see someone get mail that I sent that lives with me.

I also taped him an episode from Tales from the Crypt I heard him say he liked and was one of his favorites.

Thursday, September 29, 1994

 

Last night I sat down at my new drawing table, but I just couldn’t create anything to save my life. Then after a while, I went into my bedroom and did an awesome wall drawing by my closet door that’s closest to the windows. I did it right in the corner, so I kind of did it on two walls. I made a vase, then a tree with flowers I’d never done before. I made 6 branches and each branch has about 6 different clusters of tiny flowers. Each branch’s flowers are of different colors. I made the vase of coral reef with purple streaks. The flowers are red, violet, medium sky blue, orchid, pink, and another branch of red. Actually, the reds are really raspberry. It came out great, though, and the whole thing’s about 5’ tall.

I’ve been getting these waves of pain in my upper gut lately. I hope it doesn’t amount to much, but I’m sure it’s gas.

Christina left Tom a message saying they’re moving into our area. Geri and Christina don’t even know we’re married yet. Tom last talked to Geri directly before we got married and he couldn’t really get a word in edgewise cuz she was so psyched about being engaged herself.

At one point I made a comment to Tom saying, “After my ear surgery I’ll pretend I’m 18 years old and all fucked up and maybe whatever’s up there will give us a kid.” But I once really was 18 and fucked up, but due to only doing it a few times with 2-3 guys, and perhaps a little bit of fate, I never got pregnant, but thank fucking God! That’s all I would’ve needed back then.

So then he said, “We can have a kid after the really important stuff is done, like your ear surgery, and it would help the business in some ways.” Like motivating us more as not only would we want to make money for ourselves but the kid, too. Also, to see how a kid would like certain computer games or whatever else we’d make and so much more.

Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I like the idea of a kid and feel more ready for it. If I truly am fertile, I feel more and more like it really may happen one of these days, despite the fears and worries any new mother would have. There would be times when I’d need verbal reassurance and comforting from Tom and his positive, “Everything will be OK” attitude. I can always count on Tom. He never pushes me away. I still can’t believe how much I love this man and how lucky and blessed I am. If anyone ever fucked with him or any kid we had, I’d kill them. If I didn’t, I’d no doubt come very close.

He said something to me last night that made me love him even more, just when I thought I couldn’t love him anymore. He said if I ever wanted to go anywhere alone, he would drive me there and pick me up at a set time.

Here’s a real man who doesn’t push me to work, lets me be a housewife, be a part of his business, but who’ll let me see friends here and there without giving me shit. I feel the same about him. He could go out to dinner with 10 women and I know I could trust him. Even if they were better looking than me and there are plenty out there as well as ugly dogs.

I’m sorry, though, that I dislike Geri without meeting her, but sometimes it’s an easy thing to do like I feel he has with Kim and Bob. Opinions are like assholes, though. Everybody’s got one.

Later...

Tom’s up now and somehow he fixed my journal problem. He’s watching the show I taped him.

Friday, September 30, 1994

 

Tom’s postcard came yesterday, but I was asleep when he read it.

I rearranged my audiocassettes a bit and got rid of stuff I now have on CD to save room. I made Tom a medley of songs he likes by Sting and Meat Loaf.

At midnight Andy surprised me with a call. He called this girl Karson so I could hear her talk. Yup, she’s great editing material. When he called, Sara was on the line but hung up after about 10 minutes. When he called Karson, I had the mute on and didn’t talk to her. She agreed to accept calls from Fran. She has a long-distance block on her line now. Andy called Fran who gave him her number. He asked about me, and Andy reminded him I wanted nothing to do with him. I’ll hang up if he tries calling.

He mentioned that Nervous moved to the Maple Street area. Yeah, I believe that. I had a feeling about it, too. He probably moved with Crystal.

Tom should be up soon.

I talked to my sister and my parents yesterday. I was going to send Ma the information on the Phase-Out system, but I can’t find it. I’ll keep looking, but Tom’s up now, so bye!

Later...

Tom found me the information on the Phase-Out system to send my mom.

This morning I began making my medley and it’s coming out great.

Tom talked with Geri and Eldon earlier this evening. Geri wants to meet me and Eldon has a super-fast computer brain for us.

We went over the computer calendar and scheduled stuff for the weekend and Tuesday.

I’m now recording two movies for us both. We’re getting along better and better each month. We’re really getting to know one another and we very rarely argue. Yes, I have a real-life relationship that I not only thought I could never get but that most

[engbergsinfinland]

Greetings on a Grey Saturday

It is for sure grey out there, and cold, and it will get dark around 3:30 p.m., but it just sort of seems like a regular day! I have a cold, but luckily it is not too severe. I am just going about a recognizable weekend routine. But, I did totally forget that Rowan had ballet dress rehearsal today and his teacher texted me to ask whether everything was OK and that everyone had missed him today. I am seriously getting Google Translate fatigue. Everything that comes across my WhatsApp or email from the ballet, gymnastics, or ice skating is, logically, in Finnish, so I have to translate everything. And, I am missing things -- as today's absence from dress rehearsal shows. He has another ballet dress rehearsal tomorrow (I am very glad Sari, his teacher, reminded me) and then right after that he has tap rehearsal. I am on top of the tap communications because his teacher is Dutch and writes to everyone in English. Next weekend is the holiday show, and so we are in high-gear getting ready for that.

Yesterday was Finnish Independence Day! The kids were off of school, but the day before they had some special event at school because of the holiday: all of the 6th graders (including Rowan) sang in Finnish at two school assemblies and Cece's class got many treats, both for the holiday and for two kids' birthdays. Kids were invited to wear fancy clothes to school, if they wished. Cece wore a cute blue H&M dress I got at a thrift store the day before. It was so cute and I feel a bit better buying "fast fashion" if I am buying it as a second or third owner. Anyway, yesterday, on the actual holiday, Cece and I took the train to Jyväskylä for her ice skating competition! We arrived at the rink just around 11 a.m. and then we got her outfit on and her hair done. Then, we waited. She started her off-ice warm up around 12:45 and then she had on-ice warm up close to 1 p.m. and then she skated -- first in a huge group of "artists with no axel." There were 28 girls, and they ranged from her age (maybe there were one or two girls younger than her) all the way up to the high teens. I thought this organization was a bit odd. Seeing her, brand new to this division and with such a long skating program for the first time, competing against girls who were like 16 was really a new thing. Anyway, she skated her program well! She was so proud of herself. But, it is so hard going first. And they did each grouping, comprised of eight girls each, and there were several breaks for ice-cleaning and new groups' warm-ups. The results, which we waited and waited for, were released at about 6:20 p.m., and some teenagers won the top three places, and then the top ten were all older girls except maybe two of the younger ones, who clearly had a lot of experience at this level. Cece was much more depressed after the announcing of the results, but she -- I love her resilience-- bounced back quickly and said "well, it's hard going first, and I know there are some things I can do better in my program, and I will work to do that for next time!"

We were able to get to the train station with 40 minutes before our train and we ate at a sushi buffet, which is something Cece loves to do. Once we were on the train, we watched something that is traditional for Finns to watch on Independence Day: the procession of guests arriving to the Presidential Palace for the gala! There were like 1500 guests! I guess it is something of a national pastime to comment on all of their attire. There was a live chat on the YLE Areena stream of the event and we even made two comments :) The prime minister's wife's dress was amazing. I love it. I will post a picture below. The picture I found does not do it justice at all, but you will get some idea.

This week otherwise -- after our incredible, whirlwind trip to Ruka last weekend-- just flew by. One exciting development was that I was invited to give a talk at a Swedish university in March, so we will start sorting out all of the details for that soon. I also have an invitation to talk at a Spanish university at the very beginning of April. I want to line something up in the UK and Norway, so we will see what happens! This week, I also met with the Space/Environment Symposium group to workshop my D. H. Lawrence paper, and that went well! They gave me some great feedback and I will do some revisions this week, before I deliver the content as a lecture, for the virtual event "The Lawrence London Group" on Wednesday of this coming week. After the Space/Environment meeting, we all went to lunch. That is very common here: going to lunch with your workmates. So civilized. No eating lunch hunched over your desk for these people!

My students turned in their final projects on Wednesday and I am going to try to have them all graded by Monday night. Monday is Eric's and my 18th anniversary! I will let you know what kind of fun stuff we end up doing -- if I feel better from this cold, that is! It is kind of taking the wind out of my sails.

Cece also this week got to try out her new gymnastics group, the "perhoset" (or "butterfly") group. She was thrilled. They practiced for 2.5 hours on Tuesday. Now, the coach is 16, and I have issues with that (that seems to be the norm here), and I know there are older coaches for the high-level girls, but this coach is very nice and speaks English, as do many of Cece's new group-mates, so Cece is excited. And this is a competition group, so she may get to achieve her goal to be in a gymnastics competition, before too long. We have a little ways to go, though, in terms of skill development, but I hope this new group will provide a more structured setting for her to learn some of the skills she is really aiming for.

Oh! One last thing. On the train last night, Cece and I were sitting at seats in the table-configuration, and across from her was a young man who ask whether he could move my coat to plug in his phone. We got chatting about the ball at the Presidential Palace and he said he knew people at it this year who were invited because they are star athletes for Finland. This young man, Antti Sainio, was about 18 and it turns out he is a star athlete too, the under-20 2023 world champion in the 400-meter hurdles! He is being recruited by many US universities, his top being UT Austin. So, he is going out there in a month or so to check it out. He was so nice and has such interesting information to share about his life as a top athletics athlete for Finland.

Have a great rest of your weekend, everyone!

[mtg-player1]

YCGMA review

OK, so ages ago I am said I was going to review your city gave me asthma. Um, so I might do that now. Using the Dictation tool in Microsoft Word. Coming back to write this start at the end, now I'm just going to say I really hate that this program censors swear words. Like, literally Why? If I say swear words, it's because I want to write swear words. What the ****?

I haven't done too much editing on this, so if it's kind of weird and kind of very obviously spoken word, that's probably why. I am just prioritizing my hands today.

So the first song in the album is Jubilee line. And I really like it. I really like the clip of like, idk, regular life audio. It was really cool when I went to the train, took the railway in London. And got to experience it for myself. My favorite lyric from that song is probably “Shout at the wall. ‘cause the walls don’t fucking love you.” I do have this song in some playlists, but it's not one of my favorites. It's totally fine.

The next song is Saline solution. I really liked this song for singing about painkillers  personally, as someone who has to rely on painkillers a lot. I really like the language in the song. Uh, it's funny. It's, um, poetic in a funny way. Elixir and melodramatic and pragmatic. Yeah, it's just greatly enjoyable. This is one of my favorite songs from the album.

The next song is Since I Saw Vienna. I don't listen to this much anymore. But I can't play this on guitar. Uh. It was the first song I learned with like picking or however you say that technique like instead of playing chords. And uh, it's uh yeah, it's not bad. But it's a lot more allo than I'm personally a fan of. I will admit it is genuinely really fun to play on a guitar.

The next song in the album is Losing Face. Basically, it's about, well, losing face. This one's really high energy, which like, really like. It's good for when you're in the bad place. And as generally losing face implies, it's that it really expresses that feeling of being completely out of control. And like you, you just have to be honest because yeah, you can't anymore. And to quote the song, it's like. “Well, I don't know what to do.” And yeah, it's, um, losing hope. And just like. What? What is even why? And I guess in the actual song it's about specific situation. Uh, so that's a thing. I don't really care as much about the specific situation.

The next song is Your sister was Right. I think it's generally about like this feeling that you're like a bad person. And I don't know if that's a feeling that's very good to entertain for too long. The problem with identifying yourself as a bad person who does bad things is, it may hinder you from making improvements in how you act. It depends a bit, but I think this is one can easily be destructive. It can also be nice when you feel like you can't admit your mistakes. And to just like. Yeah, get out of your head with a different opinion. Um, I don't know.

And then there is La Jolla. So this song is one of the reasons you should listen to this album as a whole. Rather than individual songs. Because it uh.I don't want to spoil too much, but this hints at a later song. I think you could definitely argue that this song is about like depression or like chronic bad mood, but those are basically the same. Technically, depression often doesn't have a cause. I believe. This album is, as earlier stated, kind of about hating London. And at least from what Wilbur has said himself it's about Hypochondria or like health anxiety. Oh, but yeah. Anyway, back to the song, it mentions self-hate, which is like I assume that it's common, but maybe not. Hopefully not. But yeah, I'm glad it does, we need to talk about the bad stuff sometimes.

And next up is one of my favorite songs and I also I would really recommend it because it doesn't have any romance. It is. I'm sorry, Boris. It is a political song. Uh, so this is obviously about yeah, it's about Boris Johnson, which also implicates the Tory Party in the UK. It basically talks about how the politics are so bad, and they're going to ruin all the favorite things, all the nice things the government does for the people. I have also tried this on guitar, I don't remember if I managed to learn it. Uh, but yes, I mentioned uh, this is um, the song that. Uh. Continues on one of the previous songs. I've forgotten which right now, but yeah, you can read the last paragraph I think this is so such a nice song to listen to, honestly. Uh, Wilbur says. This is just an artist I really like. I I love the way he sings, the way he makes the general musical picture. Uh, I think the instruments are always great and the melodies, it's some of my favorite music honestly.

I don't listen to this of us much anymore. But I do really like it, and I really did like it when I used to listen to it a lot more. I might start listening to it again, I'm not sure.

[ilynaevis]

what abt the sibling moot game or ships with trope? (๑>◡<๑)

okay i'm not sure if i'm doing this right bc i haven't rlly done moot games before but 😭 ALSO THIS IS NOT PROOFREAD sorry for spelling or grammar mistakes 

@jungwonize hi sai <3 i ship you with riki tbh.... i'm getting bffs2lovers vibes u guys would probably fight (affectionate) over small things like who gets the last slice of pizza or something like that  Plz + the ppl around you would ask if y'all are friends or enemies bc they rlly just CANNOT tell when half of the time ur at each other’s throats and the other half ur sharing headphones on the bus or whatever </3 @yyunari i am so tempted to say ningning but u and beomgyu would be a good match HEAR ME OUT i know this isn’t a set trope but radio show co-hosts. YEAH. just going back and forth w the playful banter and all ur listeners can tell y’all are whipped for e/o but ur oblivious! bc how could u fall in love with someone who makes deez nuts jokes... right... @yeongwonie  was thinking strangers to lovers IDK THO!! or maybe like classmates to lovers i’m kind of struggling Hold up ok so i’m thinking ur like oh shit i’m failing this one class so this teacher assigns me a tutor and god must be on my side bc it’s the cute boy from my chem (??? just roll with it) class (cue hyunjin) but plot twist hyunjin has been cheating on the tests for like an entire year (i saw this somewhere once but i forgot where !! idk if it was on tumblr so someone let me know if you’ve read something similar i’ll tag them/ leave a link) so ur like wow ur no help ur an idiot and he’s like at least i’m not failing <3 and boom you fall in love @blessed-sky JAKE argue with the wall idc i feel like you guys would be the perfect match now THIS i am certain is strangers to lovers. sorry to be cliche rn but coffee shop au too like the 2 of u would meet at ur local coffee shop where he’s a regular barista n you think he’s rlly cute but obviously u would never tell him that! but then he writes his number on ur cup. so ur shot has been shot for you ! good for you !!!  @chiyuv heeseung i know he’s ur bias and you were probably hoping for him but u guys would be cute together OKAY i’m going to do enemies to lovers for this one i know u like piano and ballet so maybe one of those and you’re competing for first or like a spot in a rlly prestigious overseas program (its head to head bc u and hee are top 2 like no one can  beat u guys) but one day u start thinking he’s cute (and then the pining and angsty stuff happens) fast forward now he’s teasing you for thinking he’s cute. but then he tells you you’re cuter. yeah <3

[path-of-my-childhood]

CABIN FEVER - Aaron Dessner: Producing folklore and evermore

Sound On Sound Magazine // March 2021 issue // By Tom Doyle

The pandemic gave Taylor Swift a chance to explore new musical paths, with two lockdown albums co-written and produced by the National's Aaron Dessner.

Few artists during the pandemic have been as prolific as Taylor Swift. In July 2020, she surprise-released folklore, a double-length album recorded entirely remotely and in isolation. It went on to become the biggest global seller of the year, with four million sales and counting. Then, in December, she repeated the trick with the 15-song evermore, which quickly became Swift's eighth consecutive US number one.

In contrast to her country-music roots and the shiny synth-pop that made her a superstar, both folklore and evermore showcased a very different Taylor Swift sound: one veering more towards atmospheric indie and folk. The former album was part-produced by Swift and her regular co-producer Jack Antonoff (St Vincent, Lana Del Rey), while the other half of the tracks were overseen by a new studio collaborator, Aaron Dessner of the National. For evermore, aside from one Antonoff-assisted song, Dessner took full control of production.

Good Timing

Although his band are hugely popular and even won a Grammy for their 2017 album Sleep Well Beast, Aaron Dessner admits that it initially felt strange for an indie-rock guitarist and keyboard player to be pulled into such a mainstream project. Swift had already declared herself a fan of the National, and first met the band back in 2014. Nonetheless, Dessner was still surprised when the singer sent him a text "out of the blue" last spring. "I mean, I didn't think it was a hoax," he laughs. "But it was very exciting and a moment where you think it's like serendipity or something, especially in the middle of the pandemic. When she asked if I would ever consider writing with her, I just happened to have a lot of music that I had worked really hard on. So, the timing was sort of lucky. It opened up this crazy period of collaboration. It was a pretty wild ride."

Since 2016, Aaron Dessner has been based at his self-built rural facility, Long Pond Studio, in the Hudson Valley, upstate New York. The only major change to the studio since SOS last spoke to Dessner in October 2017 has been the addition of a vintage WSW Siemens console built in 1965. "It had been refurbished by someone," he says, "and I think there's only three of them in the United States. I heard it was for sale from our friend [and the National producer/mixer] Peter Katis. That's a huge improvement here."

Although the National made Sleep Well Beast and its 2019 successor I Am Easy To Find at Long Pond, the band members are scattered around the US and Europe, meaning Dessner is no stranger to remote working and file sharing. This proved to be invaluable for his work with Swift. Dessner spent the first six weeks of lockdown writing music that he believed to be for Big Red Machine, his project with Bon Iver's Justin Vernon. Instead, many of these work-in-progress tracks would end up on folklore. Their first collaboration (and the album's first single), 'cardigan', for instance, emerged from an idea Dessner had been working on backstage during the National's European arena tour of Winter 2019.

"I sent her a folder and in the middle of the night she sent me that song," Dessner explains. "So, the next morning I was just listening to it, like, `Woah, OK, this is crazy."

On The Move

As work progressed, it quickly became apparent that Swift and Dessner were very much in tune as a songwriting and producing unit. There was very little Dessner had to do, he says, in terms of chopping vocals around to shape the top lines. "I think it's because I'm so used to structuring things like a song, with verses and choruses and bridges," he reckons. "In most cases, she sort of kept the form. If she had a different idea, she would tell me when she was writing and I would chop it up for her and send it to her. But, mostly, things kind of stayed in the form that we had."

Dessner and Swift were working intensively and at high speed throughout 2020, so much so that on one occasion the producer sent the singer a track and went out for a run in the countryside around Long Pond. By the time he got back, Swift had already written 'the last great american dynasty' and it was waiting for him in his inbox. "That was a crazy moment," he laughs. "One of the astonishing things about Taylor is what a brilliant songwriter she is and the clarity of her ideas and, when she has a story to tell, the way she can tell it. I think she's just been doing it for so long, she has a facility that makes you feel like you could never do what she's capable of. But we were a good pair because I think the music was inspiring to her in such a way that the stories were coming."

Swift's contributions to folklore were recorded in a makeshift studio in her Los Angeles home. Laura Sisk engineered the sessions as the singer recorded her vocals, using a Neumann U47, in a neighbouring bedroom. Live contact between Swift, Sisk, Dessner and Long Pond engineer Jonathan Low was done through real-time online collaboration platform Audiomovers.

"We would listen in remotely and kind of go back and forth," says Dessner. "We used Audiomovers and then we would have Zoom as a backup. But mainly we were just using Audiomovers, so we could actually be in her headphones. It's powerful, it's great. I've used it a lot with people during this time. Then, later on, when we recorded evermore, a lot of the vocals were done here at the studio actually when Taylor was visiting when we did the [Disney+ documentary] Long Pond Sessions. But Taylor's vocals for folklore were all done remotely."

Keeping Secrets

Given the huge international interest in Swift, the team had to work with an elaborate file-sharing arrangement to ensure that the tracks didn't leak online. Understandably, Dessner won't be drawn on the specifics. "Yeah, I mean we had to be very careful, so everything was very secretive," he says. "There were passwords on both ends and we communicated in a specific way when sharing mixes and everything. There was a high level of confidentiality and data encryption. It was sort of a learning curve.

"I'm not used to that," he adds, "'cause usually we're just letting files kind of fly all over the Internet [laughs]. But I think with someone like her, there's just so many people that are paying attention to every move that she makes, which can be a little, I think, oppressive for her. We tried to make it as comfortable as possible and we got used to how to get things to her and back to us. It worked pretty well."

Drums & Guitars

For the generally minimalist beat programming on the records, Dessner would sometimes turn to his more expensive new analogue drum generators - Vermona's DRM1 and Dave Smith's Tempest - but more often used the Synthetic Bits iOS app FunkBox. "There's just a lot of great vintage drum machine sounds in there, and they sound pretty cool, especially if you overdrive it," he says. "Often I send that through an amplifier, or through effects into an amplifier. Then I have a [Roland) TR-8 and a TR-8S that I use a lot. I also use the drum machine in the [Teenage Engineering] OP-1. So, a song like 'willow', that's just me tapping the OP-1."

Elsewhere, Dessner's guitar work appears on the tracks, with the intricate melodic layering on 'the last great american dynasty' from folklore having been inspired by Radiohead's In Rainbows. "Almost all of the electric guitar on Taylor's records is played direct through a REDDI DI into the Siemens board," he says. "It's usually just my 1971 Telecaster played direct and it just sounds great. Oftentimes I just put a little spring reverb on it and sometimes I'll overdrive the board like it's an amplifier, 'cause it breaks up really beautifully.

"I have a 1965 [Gibson] Firebird that I play usually through this 1965 Fender Deluxe Reverb. So, if I am playing into an amp, that's what it is. But on 'the last great american dynasty', those little pointillistic guitars, that's just played direct with the Telecaster through the board."

Elsewhere, Aaron Dessner took Taylor Swift even further out of her sonic comfort zone. A key track on folklore, the Cocteau Twins-styled 'epiphany', features her voice amid a wash of ambient textures, created by Dessner slowing down and reversing various instrumental parts in Pro Tools. "I created a drone using the Mellotron [MD4000D] and the Prophet and the OP-1 and all kinds of synth pads," he says. "Then I duplicated all the tracks, and some of them I reversed and some of them I dropped an octave. All manner of using varispeed and Polyphonic Elastic Audio and changing where they were sitting. Just to create like this Icelandic glacier of sounds was my idea. Then I wrote the chord progression against that.

"The [Pro Tools] session was not happy," he adds with a chuckle. "It kept crashing. Eventually I had to print the drone but I printed it by myself and there was some crackle in it. It was distorting. And then I couldn't recreate it so Jon Low, who was helping me, was kind of mad at me 'cause he was like, 'You can't do that.' And I was like, 'Well, I was working quickly. I didn't know it'd become a song."

Orchestra Of Nowhere

Meanwhile, the orchestrations that appear on several of the tracks were scored by Aaron's twin brother and National bandmate, Bryce Dessner, who is located in France. "I would just make him chord charts of the songs and send them to him in France," Aaron says. "Then he would orchestrate things in Sibelius and send the parts to me. I would send the parts and the instrumental tracks to different players remotely and they would record them literally in their bedrooms or in their attics. None of it was done as a group, it was all done separately. But that's how we've always worked in the National so it's quite natural."

On folklore standout track 'exile', Justin Vernon of Bon Iver delivered his stirring vocal for the duet remotely from his home in Eaux Claires, Wisconsin. "He's renovating his studio, so he has a little home studio in his garage," says Dessner. "It was Taylor's idea to approach him. I sent him Taylor's voice memo of her singing both parts, and he got really excited and loved the song and then he wrote the extra part in the bridge.

"I do a lot of work remotely with Justin also, so it was easy to send him tracks and he would track to it and send back his vocals. I was sending him stems, so usually it's just a vocal stem of Taylor and an instrumental stem and then if he wants something deeper, I'll give him more stems. But generally, he's just working with the vocal layers and an instrumental."

Vernon also provided the grainy beat that kicks off 'closure', one of two tracks on evermore that started life as a sketch for the second Big Red Machine album. "It was this little loop that Justin had given me in this folder of 'Starters', he calls them. I had heard that and been playing the piano to it. But I was hearing it in 5/4, although it's not in 5/4. 'Closure' really opened everything up further. There were no real limits to where we were gonna try to write songs."

Given the number of remote players, Dessner says there were surprisingly few problems with the file swapping and that it was a fairly painless technical process. "It was pretty smooth, but there were issues," he admits. "Sometimes sample-rate issues, or if I happened to give someone an instrumental that was an MP3, that sometimes lines up differently than if you send them an actual WAV that's bounced on the grid. So, sometimes I'd have to kinda eyeball things.

"If there was trouble it started to be because of track counts. I probably only used 20 percent of what was actually recorded, 'cause we would try a lot of things, y'know. So, eventually the sessions got kinda crazy and you'd have to deactivate a lot of things and print things. But we got used to that."

Soft Piano

Aaron Dessner's characteristic dampened upright piano sound, familiar from the National's albums, is much in evidence throughout both folklore and evermore. "The upright is a Yamaha U1 that I've had for more than a decade. Usually, I play it with the soft pedal down and that's the sound of 'hoax' or 'seven' or 'cardigan', y'know, that felted sound. It kind of almost sounds like an electric piano.

"I always mic it the same way, just with two [AKG] 414s, and they're always the same distance off the wall. I had a studio in Brooklyn for 10 years and then when I moved here, I copied the same [wooden] pattern on the wall. And the reason I did that is 'cause of how much I love how this piano sounds bouncing off that wall. It just does something really special for the harmonics."

When on other folklore songs, such as 'exile' or 'the 1', where the piano was the main sonic feature of the track, Dessner played his Steinway grand. "A lot of times we use a pair of Coles [4038s] on the Steinway, just cause it's darker. But sometimes we'll have the 414s there as well and choose."

Keeping Warm

On both folklore and evermore, Taylor Swift's voice is very much front and center and high in the mix, and generally sounds fairly dry. "I think the main thing was I wanted her vocals to have a more full range than maybe you typically hear," Dessner explains. "'Cause I think a lot of the more pop-oriented records are mixed a certain way and they take some of the warmth out of the vocal, so that it's very bright and it kinda cuts really well on the radio. But she has this wonderful lower warmth frequency in her voice which is particularly important on a song like `seven'. If you carved out that mud, y'know, it wouldn't hit you the same way. Or, like, `cardigan', I think it needs that warmth, the kind of fuller feeling to it. It makes it darker, but to me that's where a lot of emotion is."

Effects-wise, almost all of the treatments were done in the box. "There's no outboard reverbs printed," says Dessner. "The only things that we did print would be like an [Eventide] H3000 or sometimes the [WEM] CopiCat tape delay for just a really subtle slap. But generally, it's just different reverbs in the box that Jon was using. He uses the Valhalla stuff quite a bit and some other UAD reverbs, like the [Capitol] Chambers. I often just use Valhalla VintageVerb and the [Avid] Black Spring and simple things."

In some instances, the final mix ended up being the never-bettered rough mix, while other songs took far more work. "'cardigan' is basically the rough, as is `seven'. So, like the early, early mixes, when we didn't even know we were mixing, we never were able to make it better. Like if you make it sound 'good', it might not be as good 'cause it loses some of its weird magic, y'know. But songs like `the last great american dynasty' or 'mad woman', those songs were a little harder to create the dynamics the way you want them, and the pay-off without going too far, and with also just keeping in the kind of aesthetic that we were in. Those were harder, I would say.

"On evermore, I would say 'willow' was probably the hardest one to finish just because there were so many ways it could've gone. Eventually we settled back almost to the point where it began. So, there's a lot of stuff that was left out of 'willow', just because the simplicity of the idea I think was in a way the strongest."

The subject of this month's Inside Track article, 'willow' was the first song written for evermore, immediately following the release of folklore. "It almost felt like a dare or something," Dessner laughs. "We were writing, recording and mixing all in one kind of work stream and we went from one record to the other almost immediately. We were just sort off to the races. We didn't really ever stop since April."

Rubber & Vinyl

Sometimes, Dessner and Swift drew inspiration from unlikely sources; `no body, no crime', for instance, started when he gave her a 'rubber bridge' guitar made by Reuben Cox of the Old Style Guitar Shop in LA. "He's my very old friend," says Dessner of Cox. "He buys undervalued vintage guitars. Stuff that was made in the '50s and '60s as sort of learner guitars, like old Silvertones and Kays and Harmonys. These kinds of guitars which now are quite special, but they're still not valued the same way that vintage Fenders or Gibsons are valued. Then, he customizes them.

"Recently he started retrofitting these guitars with a rubber bridge and flatwound strings. He'll take, like, an acoustic Silvertone from 1958 and put a bridge on it that's covered in this kind of rubber that deadens the strings, so it really has this kind of dead thrum to it. And he puts two pickups in there, one that's more distorted and one that's cleaner. They're just incredible guitars. I thought Taylor would enjoy having one 'cause she loves the sound. So, I had Reuben make one for her and she used it to write `no body, no crime'."

Another friend of Dessner's, Ryan Olsen, has developed a piece of software called the Allovers Hi-Hat Generator which helped create the unusual harmonic loops that feature on `marjorie'. "It's not available on the market," Dessner says of the software. "It's just something that he uses personally, but I think hopefully eventually it'll come out. I wouldn't say it's artificial intelligence software but there's something very intelligent about it [laughs]. It basically analyses audio information and is able to separate audio into identifiable samples and then put them into a database. You then can design parameters for it to spit out sequences that are incredibly musical.

"When Ryan comes here, he'll just take all kinds of things that I give him and run it through there and then it'll spit out, like, three hours of stuff. Then I go through it and find the layers that I love, then I loop them. You can hear it also on the song 'happiness', the drumming in the background. It's not actually played. That's drums that have been sampled and then re-analyzed and re-sequenced out of this Allovers Hi-Hat Generator."

The song `marjorie' is named after Swift's opera-singer grandmother and so, fittingly, her voice can be heard flitting in and out of the mix at the end of the track. "Taylor's family gave us a bunch of recordings of her grandmother," Dessner explains. "But they were from old, very scratchy, noisy vinyl. So, we had to denoise it all using [iZotope's] RX and then I went in and I found some parts that I thought might work. I pitch-shifted them into the key and then placed them. It took a while to find the right ones, but it's really beautiful to be able to hear her. It's just an incredibly special thing, I think."

Meet At The Pond

Taylor Swift finally managed to get together with Aaron Dessner and Jack Antonoff in September 2020 for the filming of folklore: the long pond studio sessions, featuring the trio live-performing the album. It also provided an opportunity for Swift to add her vocals to some of the evermore tracks.

"It did allow us to have more fun, I think," says Dessner. "Y'know, drink more wine and just kinda be in the same place and have the feeling of blasting the music here and dancing around and just enjoying ourselves. She's really a lovely person to hang out with, so in that sense I'm glad that we had that chance to work together in person.

"We were using a [Telefunken] U47 to record Taylor here," he adds. "Either we were using one of the Siemens preamps on the board, which are amazing. Or I have Neve 1064s [preamps/EQs] and we use a Lisson Grove [AR-i] tube compressor generally."

One entirely new song, `tis the damn season', came out of this face-to-face approach, which Swift wrote in the middle of the night after the team had stayed up late drinking. "We had a bunch of wine actually," Dessner laughs, "and then everybody went to sleep, I thought. But I think she must have had this idea swimming around in her head, 'cause the next morning when she arrived, she sang 'Us the damn season' for me in my kitchen. It's maybe my favourite song we've written together. Then she sang it at dinner for me and my wife Stine and we were all crying. It’s just that kind of a song, so it was quite special.”

National Unity

One key track on evermore, 'coney island', features all of the members of the National and sees Swift duetting with their singer Matt Berninger. "My brother [Bryce] actually originated that song," says Aaron Dessner. "I sent him a reference at one point - I can't remember what it was - and then he was sort of inspired to write that chord progression. Then we worked together to sort of develop it and I wrote a bunch of parts and we structured it.

"Taylor and William Bowery [the songwriting pseudonym of Swift's boyfriend, actor Joe Alwyn] wrote 'coney island' and she sang a beautiful version. It felt kind of done, actually. But then I think we all collectively thought, Taylor and myself and Bryce, like this was the closest to a National song."

Dessner then asked the brothers who make up the National's rhythm section, drummer Bryan and bassist Scott Devendorf, to play on 'coney island'. Matt Berninger, as he often does with the band's own tracks, recorded his vocal at home in Los Angeles. "It was never in the same place, it was done remotely," says Dessner, "except Bryan was here at Long Pond when he played. It was great to collaborate as a band with Taylor."

No Compromise

folklore and evermore have been both enormous critical and commercial successes for Taylor Swift. Aaron Dessner reckons that making these anti-pop records has freed the singer up for the future. "I think it was very liberating for her," he says. "I think that's the thing that's been probably the biggest change for her has just been being able to make songs without compromise and then release them without the promotional requirements that she's used to from the past. Obviously, it comes at this time when we're all in lockdown and nobody can tour or go on talk shows or anything. But I think for her probably it will impact what she does in the future.

"But I also think she can shapeshift again," he concludes. "Who knows where she'll go? She's had many celebrated albums from the past, but to release two albums of this quality in such a short time, it really did shine a light on her songwriting talent and her storytelling ability and also just her willingness to experiment and collaborate. Somehow, I ended up in the middle of all that and I'm very grateful."

INSIDE TRACK - Jonathan Low: Secrets of the Mix Engineers

Sound On Sound Magazine // March 2021 issue // By Paul Tingen

From sketches to final mixes, engineer Jonathan Low spent 2020 overseeing Taylor Swift’s hit lockdown albums folklore and evermore.

“I think the theme of a lot of my work nowadays, and especially with these two records, is that everything is getting mixed all the time. I always try to get the songs to sound as finalised as they can be. Obviously that’s hard when you’re not sure yet what all the elements will be. Tracks morph all the time, and yet everything is always moving forwards towards completion in some way. Everything should sound fun and inspiring to listen to all the time.”

Speaking is Jonathan Low, and the two records he refers to are, of course, Taylor Swift’s 2020 albums folklore and evermore, both of which reached number one in the UK and the US. Swift’s main producer and co‑writer on the two albums was the National’s Aaron Dessner, also interviewed in this issue. Low is the engineer, mixer and general right‑hand man at Long Pond Studios in upstate New York, where he and Dessner spent most of 2020 working on folklore and evermore, with Swift in Los Angeles for much of the time.

“In the beginning it did not feel real,” recalls Low. “There was this brand‑new collaboration, and it was amazing how quickly Aaron made these instrumental sketches and Taylor wrote lyrics and melodies to them, which she initially sent to us as iPhone voice memos. During our nightly family dinners in lockdown, Aaron would regularly pull up his phone and say, ‘Listen to this!’ and there would be another voice memo from Taylor with this beautiful song that she had written over a sketch of Aaron’s in a matter of hours. The rate at which it was happening was mind‑blowing. There was constant elevation, inspiration and just wanting to continue the momentum.

“We put her voice memos straight into Pro Tools. They had tons of character, because of the weird phone compression and cutting midrange quality you just would not get when you put someone in front of a pristine recording chain. Plus there was all this bleed. It’s interesting how that dictates the attitude of the vocal and of the song. Even though none of the original voice memos ended up on the albums, they often gave us unexpected hints. These voice memos were such on‑a‑whim things, they were really telling. Taylor had certain phrasings and inflections that we often returned to later on. They became our reference points.”

Pond Life

The making of the National’s 2017 album Sleep Well Beast and the setup at Long Pond were covered in SOS October 2017; today the studio remains pretty much the same, with the exception of a new desk. “The main space is really big, and the console sits in the middle,” says Low. “In 2019, I installed a 1965 WSW/Siemens, which has 24 line‑in and microphone channels and another 24 line channels. WSW is the Austrian branch of Siemens usually built for broadcast. It’s loaded with 811510B channels. The build quality is insane, the switches and pots feel like they were made yesterday. To me it hints at the warm haze of a Class‑A Neve channel but sits further forward in the speakers. The midrange band on the passive EQ is a huge part of its charm, it really does feel like you’re changing the tone of the actual source rather than the recording. Most microphones go through the desk on their way into Pro Tools, though we sometimes use outboard Neve 1064 mic pres. Occasionally I use the Siemens to sum a mix.

“We have a pair of ATC SCM45 monitors, which sound very clear in the large room. The ceiling is very high, and the front wall is about 25 feet behind the monitors. There are diffusers on the sidewalls and the back walls are absorbing, so there are very few reflections. Aaron and I will be listening in tons of different ways. I’ll listen in my home studio with similar ATC SCM20 monitors or on my ‘70s Marantz hi‑fi setup. Aaron is always checking things in his car, and if there’s something that is bugging him, I’ll join him in his car to find out what he hears.”

Low works at Long Pond and with Dessner most of the time, though he does find time to do other projects, among hem this last year the War On Drugs, Waxahatchee and Nap Eyes. When lockdown started in Spring 2020, Low tacked up on supplies and "had a bunch f mixes lined up". Meanwhile, on the Eest Coast, Swift had seen her Lover Fest our cancelled. With help from engineer aura Sisk, she set up a makeshift studio which she dubbed Kitty Committee in bedroom in her Los Angeles home, and began working with long-term producer nd co-writer Jack Antonoff. At the end of April, however, Swift also started working with Dessner, which took the project in different direction. The impressionistic, atmospheric, electro-folk instrumentals Dessner sent her were mostly composed nd recorded by him at Long Pond, assisted by Low.

Sketching Sessions

The instrumental sketches Aaron makes come into being in different ways," elaborates Low. "Sometimes they are more fleshed-out ideas, sometimes they are less formed. But normally Aaron will set himself up in the studio, surrounded by instruments and synths, and he'll construct a track. Once he feels it makes some kind of sense I'll come in and take a listen and then we together develop what's there.

"I don't call his sketches demos, because while many instruments are added and replaced later on, most of the original parts end up in the final version of the song. We end up in the final version of the song. We try to get the sketches to a place where they are already very engaging as instrumental are already very engaging as instrumental tracks. Aaron and I are always obsessively listening, because we constantly want to hear things that feel inspiring and musical, not just a bed of music in the background. It takes longer to create, but in this case also gave Taylor more to latch onto, both emotionally and in terms of musical inspiration. Hearing melodies woven in the music triggered new melodies."

Not long after Dessner and Low sent each sketch to Swift, they would receive her voice memos in return, and they'd load them into the Pro Tools session of the sketch in question. Dessner and Low then continued to develop the songs, in close collaboration with Swift. "Taylor's voice memos often came with suggestions for how to edit the sketches: maybe throw in a bridge somewhere, shorten a section, change the chords or arrangement somewhere, and so on. Aaron would have similar ideas, and he then developed the arrangements, often with his brother Bryce, adding or replacing instruments. This happened fast, and became very interactive between us and Taylor, even though we were working remotely. When we added instruments, we were reacting to the way my rough mixes felt at the very beginning. Of course, it was also dictated by how Taylor wrote and sang to the tracks."

Dessner supplied sketches for nine and produced 10 of folklore's 16 songs, playing many different types of guitars, keyboards and synths as well as percussion and programmed drums. Instruments that were added later include live strings, drums, trombone, accordion, clarinet, harpsichord and more, with his brother Bryce doing many of the orchestrations. Most overdubs by other musicians were done remotely as well. Throughout, Low was keeping an overview of everything that was going on and mixing the material, so it was as presentable and inspiring as possible.

Mixing folklore

Although Dessner has called folklore an "anti-pop album", the world's number-one pop mixer Serban Ghenea was drafted in to mix seven tracks, while Low did the remainder.

"It was exciting to have Serban involved," explains Low, "because he did things I'd never do or be able to do. The way the vocal sits always at the forefront, along with the clarity he gets in his mixes, is remarkable. A great example of this is on the song 'epiphany'. There is so much beautiful space and the vocal feels effortlessly placed. It was really interesting to hear where he took things, because we were so close to the entire process in every way. Hearing a totally new perspective was eye-opening and refreshing.

"Throughout the entire process we were trying to maintain the original feel. Sometimes this was hard, because that initial rawness would get lost in large arrangements and additional layering. With revisions of folklore in particular we sometimes were losing the emotional weight from earlier more casual mixes. Because I was always mixing, there was also always the danger of over-mixing.

"We were trying to get the best of each mix version, and sometimes that meant stepping backwards, and grabbing a piano chain from an earlier mix, or going three versions back to before we added orchestration. There were definitely moments of thinking, 'Is this going to compete sonically? Is this loud enough?' We knew we loved the way the songs sounded as we were building them, so we stuck with what we knew. There were times where I tried to keep pushing a mix forward but it didn't improve the song — 'cardigan' is an example of a song where we ended up choosing a very early mix."

The Low Down

"I'm originally from Philadelphia," says Jonathan Low, "and played piano, alto saxophone and guitar when growing up. My dad is an electrical engineer and audiophile hobbyist, and I learned a lot about circuit design and how to repair things. I then started building guitar pedals and guitar amps, and recorded bands at my high school using a minidisc player and some binaural microphones. After that I did a music industry programme at Drexel University, and spent a lot of time working at the recording facilities there.

"This led to me meeting Brian McTear, a producer and owner of Miner Street Studios, which became my home base from 2009 to 2014. I learned a lot from him, from developing an interest in creating sounds in untraditional ways, to how to see a record through to completion. The studio has a two-inch 16-track Ampex MM1200 tape machine and a beautiful MCI 400 console which very quickly shaped the way I think about routing and signal flow. I'm lucky to have learned this way, because a computer environment is like the Wild West: there are no rules in terms of how to get from point A to point B. This flexibility is incredible, but sometimes there are simply too many options.

"l met Aaron [Dessned] because singer-songwriter Sharon van Etten recorded her second album, Epic [2010] at Miner Street, with Brian producing. Her third album, Tramp [2012] was produced by Aaron. They came to Philly to record drums and I ended up mixing a bunch of that record. After that I would occasionally go to work in Aaron's garage studio in Brooklyn, and this became more and more a regular collaboration. I then moved from Philly up to the Hudson Valley to help Aaron build Long Pond. We first used the studio in the spring of 2016, when beginning to record the National's album Sleep Well Beast."

Onward & Upward

folklore was finished and released in July 2020. In a normal world everyone might have gone on to do other things, but without the option of touring, they simply continued writing songs, with Low holding the fort. In September, many of the musicians who played on the album gathered at Long Pond for the shooting of a making-of documentary, folklore: the long pond studio sessions, which is streamed on Disney+.

The temporary presence of Swift at Long Pond changed the working methods somewhat, as she could work with Dessner in the room, and Low was able record her vocals. After Swift left again, sessions continued until December, when evermore was released, with Dessner producing or co-producing all tracks, apart from 'gold rush' which was co-written and co-produced by Swift and Antonoff. Low recorded many of Swift's vocals for evermore, and mixed the entire album. The lead single 'willow' became the biggest hit from the album, reaching number one in the US and number three in the UK.

"Before Taylor came to Long Pond," remembers Low, "she had always recorded her vocals for folklore remotely in Los Angeles or Nashville. When I recorded, I used a modern Telefunken U47, which is our go-to vocal mic — we record all the National stuff with that — going straight into the Siemens desk, and then into a Lisson Grove AR-1 tube compressor, and via a Burl A-D converter into Pro Tools. Taylor creates and lays down her vocal arrangements very quickly, and it sounds like a finished record in very few takes."

Devils In The Detail

In his mixes, Low wanted listeners to share his own initial response to these vocal performances. "The element that draws me in is always Taylor's vocals. The first time I received files with her properly recorded but premixed vocals I was just floored. They sounded great, even with minimal EQ and compression. They were not the way I'm used to hearing her voice in her pop songs, with the vocal soaring and sitting at the very front edge of the soundscape. In these raw performances, I heard so much more intimacy and interaction with the music. It was wonderful to hear her voice with tons of detail and nuances in place: her phrasing, her tonality, her pitch, all very deliberate. We wanted to maintain that. It's more emotional, and it sounds so much more personal to me. Then there was the music..."

The arrangements on evermore are even more 'chamber pop' than on folklore, with instruments like glockenspiel, crotales, flute, French horn, celeste and harmonium in evidence. "As listeners of the National may know, Aaron's and Bryce's arrangements can be quite dense. They love lush orchestration, all sorts of percussion, synths and other electronic sounds. The challenge was trying to get them to speak, without getting in the way of the vocals. I want a casual listener to be drawn in by the vocal, but sense that something special is happening in the music as well. At the same time, someone who really is digging in can fully immerse themselves and take in all the beauty deeper in the details of the sound and arrangement. Finding the balance between presenting all the musical elements that were happening in the arrangement and this really beautiful, upfront, real-sounding vocal was the ticket."

A particular challenge is that a lot of the detail that Aaron gravitates towards happens in the low mids, which is a very warm part of our hearing spectrum that can quickly become too muddy or too woolly. A lot of the tonal and musical information lives in the low mids, and then the vocal sits more in the midrange and high mids. There's not too much in the higher frequency range, except the top of the guitars, and some elements like a shaker and the higher buzzy parts of the synths. Maintaining clarity and separation in those often complex arrangements was a major challenge."

In & Out The Box

According to Low, the final mix stage for evermore was "very short. There was a moment in the final week or so leading up to the release where the songs were developed far enough for me to sit down and try to make something very cohesive and final, finalising vocal volume, overall volume, and the vibe. There's a point in every mix where the moves get really small. When a volume ride of 0.1dB makes a difference, you're really close to being done. Earlier on, those little adjustments don't really matter.

"I often try to mix at the console, with some outboard on the two-bus, but folklore was mixed all in the box, because we were working so fast, plus initially the plan was for the mixes to be done elsewhere. I ran a couple of mixes for evermore through the console, and `closure' was the only one that stuck. It was summed through the Siemens, with an API 2500 compressor and a Thermionic Culture Phoenix and then back into Pro Tools via the Burl A-D. I will use hardware when mixing in the box, though mainly just two units: the Eventide H3000, because I have not found any plug-ins that do the same thing, and the [Thermionic] Culture Vulture, for its very broad tone shaping and distortion properties.

"The writing and the production happened closely in conjunction with the engineering and mixing, and the arrangements were dense, making many of the sessions super hefty and actually quite messy. Sounds would constantly change roles in the arrangement and sometimes plug-ins would just stack up. So final mixing involved cleaning up the sessions and stemming large groups down."

Across The Rubber Bridge

The Pro Tools mix session of 'willow' has close to 100 tracks, though there's none of the elaborate bussing that's the hallmark of some modern sessions. At the top are six drum machine tracks in green from the Teenage Engineering OP-1, an instrument that was used extensively on the album. Below that are five live percussion tracks (blue), three bass tracks (pink), and an `AUX Drums' programming track. There's a 'rubber bridge' guitar folder and aux, OP-1 synth tracks, piano tracks, 'Dream Machine' (Josh Kaufman's guitar) and E-bow tracks, Yamaha, Sequential Prophet X, Moog and Roland Juno synth tracks, and Strings and Horns aux stem tracks.

"Most of the drum tracks were performed on the OP-1 by Aaron. These are not programmed tracks. Bryan Devendorf, drummer of the National, programmed some beats on a Roland TR-8S. I ran those though the Fender Rumble bass amp, which adds some woofiness, like an acoustic kit room mic. There's an acoustic shaker, and there's an OP-1 backbeat that's subtle in the beginning, and then gets stronger towards the end of the song. I grouped all the drum elements and the bass, and sent those out to a hardware insert with the Culture Vulture, for saturation, so it got louder and more and more harmonically rich. There is this subtle growing and crescendo of intensity of the rhythm section by the end.

"The 'rubber bridge' guitars were the main anchor in the instruments. These guitars have a wooden bridge wrapped in rubber, and sound a bit like a nylon-string guitar, or a light palm mute. They're very percussive and sound best when recorded on our Neumann U47 and a DI. On many of those DI tracks I have a [SPL] Transient Designer to lower the sustain and keep them punchy, especially in the low end. There's a folder with five takes of 'rubber bridge' guitar in this session, creating this wall of unique guitar sound.

"I treated the 'rubber bridge' guitars quite extensively. There's a FabFilter Pro-Q3 cutting some midrange frequencies and some air around 10kHz. These guitars can splash out in the high end and have a boominess that's in the same range as the low end of Taylor's vocal, so I had to keep these things under control. Then I used a SoundToys Tremolator, with a quarter-note tremolo that makes the accents in the playing a bit more apparent. I like to get the acoustic guitars a little bit out of the way for the less important beats, so I have the Massey CT5 compressor side-chained to the kick drum. I also used the UAD Precision K-Stereo to make the guitars a bit wider. The iZotope Ozone Exciter adds some high mids and high-end harmonic saturation sparkly stuff, and the SoundToys EchoBoy delay is automated, with it only coming on in the bridge, where I wanted more ambience."

Growing Pains

"Once we had figured out how to sit the 'rubber bridge' guitars in the mix, the next challenge was to work out the end of the song, after the bridge. Taylor actually goes down an octave with her voice in the last chorus, and at the same time the music continues to push and grow. That meant using a lot of automation and Clip Gain adjustment to make sure the vocal always stayed on top. There also are ambient pianos playing counter-melodies, and balancing the vocals, guitars and pianos was the main focus on this song. We spent a lot of time balancing this, particularly as the track grows towards the end.

"The vocal tracks share many of the same plug-ins and settings. On the main lead vocal track I added the UAD Pultec EQP-1A, with a little bit of a cut in the low end at 30Hz, and a boost at 8kHz, which adds some modern air. The second plug-in is the Oeksound Soothe, which is just touching the vocal, and it helps with any harsh resonance stuff in the high mids, and a little in the lower mids. Next is the UAD 1176AE, and then the FabFilter Pro-Q3, doing some notches at 200Hz, 1kHz, 4kHz and close to 10kHz. I tend to do subtractive EQ on the Q3, and use more analogue-sounding plug-ins, like the Pultec or the Maag, to boost. After that is the FabFilter Pro-DS [de-esser], taking off a couple of decibels, followed by the FabFilter Saturn 2 [saturation processor], on a warm tape setting.

"Below the vocal tracks are three aux effects tracks, for the vocals. 'Long Delay' has a stereo EchoBoy going into an Altiverb with a spring reverb, for effect throws in the choruses. 'Chamber' is the UAD Capitol Chamber, which gives the vocal a nice density and size, without it being a long reverb. The 'Plate' aux is the UAD EMT140, for the longer tail. These two reverbs work in conjunction, with the chamber for the upfront space, determining where the vocal sits in the mix, and the plate more for the depth behind that.

"At the bottom of the session is a two-bus aux, which mimics the way I do the two-bus on the desk. The plug-ins are the UAD Massive Passive EQ, UAD API 2500 compressor, and the UAD Ampex ATR102. Depending on the song, I will choose 15ips or 30ips. In this case it was set to 15ips, half-inch GP9. That has a nice, aggressive, midrange push, and the GP9 bottom end goes that little bit lower. There's also a PSP Vintage Warmer, a Sonnox Oxford Inflator, plus a FabFilter Pro-L2 [limiter]. None of these things are doing very much on their own, but in conjunction give me the interaction I expect from an analogue mix chain."

[yeahimaloser]

Dating Hawks Heacanons

Back to your regular scheduled programming of simping over bird man!

Ok so, everyone seemed to really like my dating-dabi-headcannons and I wanted to make some Hawks ones!

Warnings: none

No pronouns mentioned.

Please enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hawks as a boyfriend would act the way he THINKS a boyfriend would act.

Like, he wants to please you, so he just acts the way he thinks you want him to act.

He would buy you a lot of stuff, compliment you, and give you a lot of affection.

But once he starts to open up, that's when the REAL him starts to come out in the relationship.

He gets lowkey protective of you.

Like, he just gets really worried over you.

“Babe, maybe you should just stay home. I’ll buy you some chicken-”

“No Hawks, I’ll be fine.”

I don’t headcanon his wings to be super sensitive.

But I DO think he likes when you pet them

It’s like when someone rubs your back.

Or when someone plays with your hair. 

It just feels really nice.

“Birdie, you pet my wings just right!”

He DEFINITELY loves to wrap his wings around you.

He likes to just hold you to him.

He’ll probably give you little kisses while cuddling.

Whispering sweet words in your ear.

“You're so perfect.”

“I love you baby bird.”

“Did you drink some water today? I care about you love bird.”

Ok this is a random one BUT I WILL STAND BY IT!

This man knows how to cook.

He’s talked about how he has a good pallet when he takes Endeavor out to lunch.

He also lectured Endeavor about how badly he cut up the building saying, “I’m guessing you don’t spend a lot of time in the kitchen do you Endeavor. It's bad form, your food is supposed to be cut into uniform pieces!”

Using this information, he loves to cook.

(And most likely learned how to cook for himself because no one taught him because he didn’t have a childhood because of the commission.)

So he probably wants to cook for you.

Or cook with you.

You two are making something, and he’s holding your back to his chest, his face in the crook of your neck.

“Hawks honey, you need to help.”

“Just put the onions with the broth and let them simmer. Now let me go back to loving you!”

He's definitely really goofy in the relationship.

But I think he’s also really nervous.

He hasn’t really had any other relationship, so he just doesn’t want to mess this one up.

But work for him is complicated.

But in his mind, doing his job is also keeping you safe.

I think he’ll only tell you his name late into the relationship.

He’s lowkey romantic about it.

His name is very important to him.

He would probably take you somewhere really nice, like to a picnic.

And then he would just tell you.

“Y/n I love you so much. I trust you with my heart, and I want to trust you with my name. I’ll never let you go, and me telling you my name is a way I can show you how serious I am about that. I...I’ve never done anything like this. I know that, sometimes I’m not always there for you. Or maybe I’m not the best lover, but baby bird, I want you to be able to really know me. To really know who I am.”

He gave you a loving smile.

“It’s Keigo, Keigo Takami. Love bird, thank you so much for being with me.”

He kisses you deeply, pressing his passion into his lips.

“I love you more than anything baby.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I really hope you guys enjoyed this!

Have an amazing day!

[diyeoracha]

fanfic recommendations

for @kittensocute bc i heard “atsukita” and “iwaoi” in reference to fanfiction and i am There

i took your “i love slow burn or slow build fics... so i like relatively shorter burn fics (20-30k). If its a 10k oneshot slow burn hELL SIGN ME UP” and absolutely ran with it.

i listed my fav iwaoi fics (17) with a longer word count (longest is 80k) that are all mostly either canon compliant or divergent with only two straight up AUs. none of them feature heavy nsfw content and most if not all are tagged as friends to lovers lmao. feel free to read the my thoughts or just go into them blind!! and they’re all in order of how much I absolutely adore them :^)

now atsukita is not a big ship *sobs* but here are some of my favorite fics (7) of them! a lot of them are shorter bc i guess that’s just. what happens when it’s a small ship LOL. 

the formatting in this is fucked if you open it from ur dash but if it’s on my actual blog it should be fine!

Iwaoi

the courtship ritual of the hercules beetle

Word count: 66k

thoughts: my absolute absolute absolute favorite iwaoi fic. the characterization, the fact that oikawa’s a bastard but because he and iwaizumi are older (late 20s i believe), it feels more realistic and sad rather than oikawa being a bitch for the sake of it. spoiler alert it’s slow burn and pining and mostly oikawa not realizing his feelings. this world building is pretty cool bc iwaizumi is the professional player while oikawa is an entomology professor! also i love non-linear narratives bc of This fic. there’s mutual pining in this fic but it’s really really really subtle to the point where you dont even know if oikawa likes iwa. this made me cry like twice.

sunset towns

Word count: 33k

Summary: In the summer of 2020, Oikawa Tooru returns home from his first successful stint as captain of Japan’s national volleyball team. In one hand, he holds the undisputed weight of an Olympic medal, and in the other, his unresolved feelings for a childhood best friend.

thoughts: the tone in this is So similar to the courtship ritual that I liken this as an alternate story even though it’s still oikawa’s pov. professional player oikawa and regular guy iwaizumi and oikawa is just. bumming around at iwaizumi’s place and naturally he messes up but things happen.

told before and told again

word count: 4k

thoughts: i looked through literally all the tags i could’ve thought of for this and nearly cried when i found it agian. outsider POV!!

In damp earth my body

Word count: 15k

Summary: Onscreen, the nation’s favorite setter has arranged himself so that he’s bowing, forehead pressed to the court, like he’s thanking everyone for their kindness thus far, like he’s asking for forgiveness. Hajime thinks: shit, it’s really happening

thoughts: oikawa retires and moves in with iwaizumi and they blur the line between roommates/best friends and being fwb. this is an iwaizumi pov and the pining is obvious on his end. as a iwa stan the tone made me feel weird bc it makes it seem like iwa cares more abt oikawa than he cares abt himself but. its a good fic

i grew up, you grew down

word count: 19k

thoughts: this is also SO funny bc basically oikawa retires and moves in with iwaizumi and becomes his stay at home wife and a bunch of shit happens like people think that oikawa is dating ushijima and oikawa basically loses it every time. here’s one of my favorite quotes:

“Oikawa also bought a new ultra-strength vacuum cleaner he’d decided to name Ushiwaka out of sheer spite, because it sucked all the air right out of the room. Iwa-chan didn’t think the joke was that funny when Tooru told him, which was frankly very hurtful and insensitive.”

Mint

Word count: 19k

thoughts: iwaizumi is moving and oikawa planned a perfect last hangout and it goes to shit featuring matsuhana. oikawa pov where he pines more than iwa which is something i can get behind!! and this was written in 2015 and iwa’s moving bc of a sports medicine program so iwaizumi stans know and love him sm ;;

Almost a Stranger

Word count: 16k

thoughts: same premise as mint LOL except they’re on a trip together and there’s more non-linear narrative!! this one is a little more mature in tone than mint i would say (funny how people just like splitting them up and throwing them in different countries huh)

with every second that you could give

Word count: 9k

Summary: The journey of Iwaizumi and Oikawa going for gold.

Quote: He knows they’re too close. Iwaizumi knows it too, and they both decided to move in together anyway.

thoughts: iwaoi roommates and they’re both obviously and really pine-y for each other and everyone sees it but them. srsly. they’re sleeping in the same bed. like my god

Lost in Translation

Word count: 9k

Summary: Because misfortune come in threes, Iwaizumi Hajime starts his Thursday having a screaming fight with Shittykawa, spends his lunch break listening to the UCI women’s volleyball team gossiping about how Ushijima Wakatoshi had gone public about his longtime love affair with Oikawa Tooru, and closes out the day by drunkenly dropping his phone into a sewer grate.

thoughts: so funny. so sososoosso genuinely funny. the tone is so snappy and iwaizumi honestly just sounds like a confused teenager (which he is in this) and it gets extra points for including a lot of american culture that a lot of the other iwaoi college au ones don’t include for like. obvious reasons lol.

Something Borrowed

Word count: 16k

Summary: In which Oikawa and Iwaizumi have always been a foregone conclusion to everyone else, but a massive, unanswered question to one another.

thoughts: iwaoi roommates thats abo but it’s like. mentioned twice. whiny and possessive oikawa makes an appearance in this but it’s done really well

things that change, things that stay the same

Word count: 8k

Summary: Oikawa realizes he’s in love with his best friend; it sucks for a while. (But only for a little while.)

thoughts: high school getting together!! my second iwaoi fic ever and this one is just. so sweet. just an unsure oikawa realizing iwaizumi might be more than someone he wants as a best friend. this fic is honestly really really lovely.

galaxies, within you

Word count: 21k

Summary: Hajime and Tooru move in together at the start of university. Too bad they’re stuck with the two gremlins that haunt their apartment.

thoughts: ok this fic was so funny. theyre uni roommates and matsuhana just come fuck shit up and they all act like idiots together even though they go to different schools. and this really throws me back to university days.

Thirty Years and Change (the Games of the XXXIII Olympiad)

Word count: 19k

thoughts: pro! oikawa and iwaizumi haven’t been close for a while until oikawa invites iwaizumi to go to the games with him. there’s a lot of frustration and pining and actually talking about feelings (aka iwaizumi losing his mind and getting advice from people like akaashi)

when it starts to rain, they go inside

Word count: 33k

Summary: “Where?” starts Iwaizumi.“ My parent’s old lakehouse, silly, didn’t you hear me the first time?” OR: Oikawa takes Iwaizumi to his lakehouse for two weeks, post-graduation.

thoughts: this was actually my first iwaoi fic which is funny bc the author doesn’t even like oikawa much and i didnt even ship anything in haikyuu before i read this fic and now im in iwaoi hell. oikawa is really frustrating in this in that it’s basically a really good character analysis on how oikawa comes off as a Mean person all the time bc he’s manipulative and there’s some explicit content

shiver

Word count: 16k

Summary: Oikawa was always the brave one. Hajime just followed two paces behind.

thoughts: iwaoi roommates with oikawa admitting his feelings first back when they were in middle school and iwaizumi putting that thought on the backburner until. obviously. things happen.

Desperado

word count: 80k

thoughts: one of my favorite aus. it’s all from kyoutani’s perspective and it’s almost so au that they’re original characters (if that makes sense). basically iwaoi matsuhana are ex-grifters except iwaoi are estranged and daishou somehow brings everyone back together. excellent world building and reading the pov from someone not involved with the iwaoi drama was refreshing

sing with me a song of conquest and fate

word count: 26k

thoughts: a mythical kings au that’s just. so pretty. iwaizumi ends up becoming oikawa’s servant for some reason and the world building is a+ because you can feel the trust and frustration from both of them build

Atsukita

dreams of me and you

word count: 10k (incomplete)

my second atsukita fic that rly sent me down atskt hell ;; what is essentially post-break up when atsumu gets signed to msby and he’s just Pining and sad for the most part. but the established relationship pre-break up was written really nicely because it just fits my hc of them just being domestic and atsumu being blatantly head over heels

take me home

word count: 4k

i read this this morning and it wrecked me. domestic relationship atsukita?? sign me up

No time like the rest of my life

word count: 19k

mythology au with kita as a regular person and rest of inarizaki as fox spirits! it’s cute and the world building is absolutely lovely but it is an au so they might seem ooc but their core character values are still there

wild blue yonder

word count: 6k

literally full of similes and metaphors and it’s more of an abstract read i guess? but it’s so beautiful and soft and this is exactly how i imagine their relationship

reap and sow

word count: 8k

atsumu confesses and kita ignores him and it’s a couple years after the fact and it’s mostly just weirdly domestic almost roommate like except for the fact that atsumu makes it clear he likes kita LOL. they’re really in character for this!

weightless souls

word count: 2k

pillow talk before atsumu’s first game! the atsumu pov and voice is amazing

if we were both alone

word count: 7k

now this was actually my first atskt fic that sent me down this rare pair hell. it’s an explicit chat fic (both tropes i usually try to avoid) but atsumu types like me (except for the nsfw parts alksfjd) so i guess i like. feel appreciation LMAO.

if you do read like any of these fics pls let me know so we can discuss

♡＼(￣▽￣)／♡

[cutiepisenpai]

Part 1 of 3.   Part 2   Part 3

Kenma X F!Reader

Warnings: Fluff, Implied Sex

Kenma is a well known and extremely successful video game streamer. He has millions of followers who would show up day after day and watch his hours-long streams. His followers of course know very little about his life outside of gaming. The shy streamer shared nothing of his personal life and his fans searched for any miniscule amount of information they could find. They all knew about his best friend Kuroo who would show up in his streams from time to time. They also knew he has a long time girlfriend, they heard you talking to him on a few streams before but you never come into view of the camera. The few times that they had heard her she was checking in on him. His followers have asked many times if he would ever reveal her and he always says no. He likes his private life to stay private, but little did they know that there is another reason other than privacy that he didn’t show his girlfriend in videos is because you are a very popular vlogger and cosplayer. Back when you were in high school he was in a few of your videos that are now private, long before either of you rose to popularity becoming the big names you are known as now. Some older viewers of yours know about your relationship and thankfully have kept that secret for you as well. But there are still people who just want to know anything they can.

Right now you are doing a live Q and A and can’t count how many times, ‘Who are you dating?’ has shown up in the chat. 

“Alright guys the Q and A can’t just be you asking me about my relationship. So for the final time no you don’t get to know his name or see what he looks like.” You say, before continuing on answering questions about upcoming conventions and cosplays you are working on.

“Okay guys it’s about time to bring this to its end…” At that moment Kenma peeks his head in and you look up over the camera. “Hey, I was just signing, off I’ll be there in a minute.” Kenma nods leaving the room.

“Ok I am out until next time.” You say ending the live.

Sitting back into your chair giving a little stretch before getting up and walking out of the room. You find your way to Kenma who is lounging on the couch switch in hand. You sit down next to him leaning your head on his shoulder.

“Sup, puddin’?” 

He shrugs, “Nothing, your stream went well. Except for all the people asking about me.” 

Another thing no one knows is that you moderate each other's chats while streaming. 

“They just want your beautiful face to grace their screens.” You joke. 

“Do you want them to know?” He asks.

“Nah, I prefer to keep you all to myself but I would be glad to stop all the questions.”

“That wouldn’t stop the questions. They will ask hundreds more after finding out.” He says.

“True. If we ever decide to tell them then I can finally convince you to dress up at a con with me.”

“Not a chance.” He shuts you down.

“Oh, come on.”

Your regular day could be hectic; you usually filmed early in the morning while Kenma was still sleeping before editing or working on your cosplay. Today you are filming several videos consecutively because you were going to a gaming expo with Kenma and you can’t film or stream while there together. You also needed to pack later for the both of you for the trip. Kenma could pack for himself but it's easier on both of you if you just do it. While you are busy getting everything you need to do done, Kenma sleeps on peacefully.

You may have thought that Kenma was asleep when you got out of the bed, but he hadn’t slept at all that night. He had big plans that you are unaware of. He talked with Kuroo and Hinata but neither helped calm his nerves. He lays awake in the bed exhausted, he can hear you filming in the next room. The sounds of your cheerful laughter makes him smile. He has been so exhausted trying to keep his plans a secret from you and soon it will all come to a close. He takes a deep breath before sitting up and dragging himself out of the bed. He pulls his suitcase out of the closet and starts packing. 

Once you are done filming you walk back to the bedroom to find Kenma has already packed his bad and started on yours. He is currently looking into your underwear drawer confused. 

“What are you doing?” You ask.

“Packing.” He says bluntly and you roll your eyes.

“I see that, I meant why?”

“We’re going on a trip.” This guy can’t be serious.

“I am also aware of that...”

“Why do you own so many different types of underwear.” He asks cutting you off.

“What?” 

“They’re organized in pairs, but why are there just so many?”

“Pairs?” 

“Tops and bottoms.” He hasn’t turned to face you looking at the drawers offendedly. 

“I was going to pack.”

“I couldn’t sleep so I just did it.”

“Did I wake you?” You ask. He shakes his head in response. “Okay, well thank you for packing, but I can take it from here.” 

Kenma makes no effort to move, giving the drawer one last glance before picking up a sheer mesh bra and panty set. “You should bring these.” He says, before kissing your forehead and walking away. 

A few hours later and your bag is packed you set it and Kenma’s next to the front door stopping  by his stream room to check in on him. You peek inside waiting to catch his attention. 

“I’m not streaming right now.” He says.

You walk over sitting in his lap and draping your hands over his shoulders. 

“What are you doing?”   

“Just editing some clips for while we are gone.”

“Ah, I need to go edit my videos too.” 

“You should probably go and get that done.” He says. 

“Trying to get rid of me.” You feign being hurt.

“No but I don’t want you to be stressed about it tomorrow while we are traveling.” 

You share a quick kiss before you are on your way out. Once he is sure you’ve gone to work on your own stuff he pulls the video program back up that he had been working in. It was a video he had already edited several times trying to assure it was perfect. 

The next morning bright and early, much to Kenma’s dismay, you were off heading to the convention. The first night would be a preview night, but that didn’t mean you could walk around as a couple. You actually avoided each other a bit so that no one would become suspicious. He hung with other game streamers while you met up with some vloggers you know, occasionally coming together your close friends always asked if it was difficult to do these events together when you had to pretend to not be a couple. And of course it could be difficult but you were both used to it at this point. During these events Kenma wished that everyone knew about your relationship already so that he could have you next time while he dealt with the hordes of people he encountered. By the end of the first night you are both completely exhausted and after your showers you fall asleep quickly. Kenma wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. He looks over to you sleeping peacefully and decides to go into the other room. He opens his laptop playing an RPG game, but he can’t focus and dies repeatedly. He grows frustrated until you plop down on the couch beside him startling him.

“You should be asleep.” He says.

“You’re one to talk. Why are you in here?”

“Can’t sleep.”

“What’s wrong?” You ask.

“Nothing.”

“I know you better than that. Something has been bothering you. I thought you were stressed about the trip but now I know I’m not sure.”

Kenma is quiet, he is normally quiet but this is a telling silence. 

“I’m just worried about tomorrow.” He sighs.

“What’s tomorrow? The tournament?”

“Yeah.” He lies. 

“You shouldn’t worry about something as silly as that you’ll be great.” You say to reassure him. 

Seeing you smile believing so wholeheartedly in him, helped relieve the immense amount of stress he had been feeling. 

“Ready to go back to bed.” You ask.

“Yeah.” 

Kenma finally got to sleep peacefully for the first time in weeks. The next morning trying to wake Kenma up requires effort and patience.

“Come on Puddin’. You have to get up.” 

“Don’t want to.” He mumbles. 

“We’ve got to get downstairs.” You say and receive no response. 

“I’ll give you kisses.”

“You’ll do that anyways.” You hear muffled from under the covers. 

“You are right, Okay what do I have to do to get you out of bed.”

“Nothing I’m not getting up.”

“I’m not going to keep playing nice with you.” No response. “Okay.”

You pull the covers off of him climbing over him and straddling his hips. He cracks an eye open looking up at you and moves his hands to your hips. 

“What is your plan?” 

“Get up.” You say adamantly. 

“You don’t scare me.” 

“I have an incriminating photo of you.”

“You would never post that.”

“You’re right I wouldn’t, I have a better plan. I will send it in the group text to the team.”

He opens both of his eyes wide, “You wouldn’t”

You pull your phone out, “Try me.”

“You’re mean but fine.” He pouts sitting up and coming face to face with you. 

You smile at him, “See that wasn’t so hard.”

He kisses your forehead and taps your legs for you to get up. Down at the expo today Kenma is busy meeting his fans, you watch from a distance and even from where you are standing you can see how uncomfortable he is. You want nothing more to go over and comfort him but you know you can’t. You send him a text instead, 

To Puddin’:

You’ve got this just take a deep breath. 👍

He opens the message and smiles, the crowd notices and breaks out in questions and you are glad you weren’t over there. Later on that same day you meet up before the tournament starts.

“This is so exhausting. How do you do this so often?” He asks 

“Mmm, I’m much more of a people person that you. But I think I just got used to it.” You look at the clock nearby, “Alright it looks like it’s time to head over for the tournament.” 

He hums in agreement getting up and heading out of the door before you. You wait a few minutes after he leaves before leaving yourself and going to take your seat watching the tournament begin. Kuroo shows up taking the seat next to you, “Hey, what’s up?” Kuroo says.

“What are you doing here?” You ask him.

“Wow you hurt me and I thought we were friends.” Kuroo says clutching his hands close to his chest.

“I’m happy to see you. I'm just surprised. Shouldn’t you be at work.”

“I got out of it.” He says proudly. 

You raise an eyebrow at him, “Oh yea do they know you’re at a gaming expo?”

“You don’t tell my secret and I won’t tell yours.”

“I don’t have any secrets.”

“So your millions of followers know about Kenma now.”

“Shut up.”

The announcer comes out and introduces the gamers playing in the tournament. You and Kuroo cheer loudly and embarrass Kenma just a bit. The tournament has been going well, everyone making quiet conversation, Kenma has gotten into a groove playing intensely. Suddenly the power goes out. You feel Kurro’s hand grip your wrist, people murmur around you. ‘Sorry for the interruption everyone. We will fix the power and be back momentarily.’ The announcer says. 

“Are you afraid of the dark?” You ask Kuroo.

“No, are you?”

“No but I am also not holding onto you.”

“I’m keeping you safe.”

“From what exactly.”

“Creeps.” 

You laugh knowing he is completely serious. The screen on the stage flickers before lighting up and everyone's attention is directed towards it. A video begins to play, “Hey, it’s Kenma.” You say to no one in particular. He looks nervous almost fidgeting before he takes a breath and starts talking, “Hi everyone I am Kozuken if you didn’t know I am a pro - gamer.” You stand and watch trying to figure out what this video is, “I am not good at this, but I made this video for something important. My followers have always asked about my girlfriend and for privacy reasons I never show her in my videos. But she is the.. I don’t…  there aren’t words to describe her.. But this video is for her.” There are a series of awws heard all around. The video shows a montage consisting of photos and video clips in chronological order, starting from when they first met in middle school to high school with the volleyball team, graduation from high school. When they lived together in college and the moments of their life until now. You are so engrossed in the video you don’t see everything moving around you. As the montage ends Kenma is back on the screen. “She is my heart and soul and I can’t imagine my life without her and so if she would just turn around I have something to ask her.” The video ends and when you turn around Kenma is behind you down on one knee ring in hand. 

“Will you marry me?”  

You stand there in shock because you hadn’t suspected it at all but you can see him starting to panic from your silence. 

“Yes, of course I will.”

You had forgotten you were at a public event surrounded by thousands of people until the crowd cheers startling the both of you. He stands sliding the ring on your finger giving you a quick kiss on the cheek. There are cameras flashing and people cheering all around. You are ushered out by the event coordinators helping you back to your room. Once inside with the doors closed you are finally able to take a deep breath and take in what happened. You feel a rush of excitement and jump wrapping your arms around him. 

You let out a high pitched squeal, “Oh my god. I can’t believe that just happened. I had no idea…” You begin to ramble. 

Kenma just looks at you in awe smiling. He listens to your rambling just happy he was finally able to get that done and even happier that you said yes. You two stop when you hear a knock followed by the door promptly opening.

“Hey lovebirds, please tell me you’re decent. Wouldn’t want to see that again.” Kuroo says walking into the room.

“If you would stop walking in without anyone prompting you that wouldn’t have happened the first time.” Kenma says as your face heats up at the thought of that incident. 

“Ah, just yell out before I can see anything.” He smirks, “You know to let me know. But I guess that could be confused with the other kind of yelling out.”

“Okay, what do you want?” You ask before he can say anything else. 

“To celebrate with you of course. I’ve seen this from the very beginning now let’s break out the champagne and celebrate since you know pudding head finally decided to announce his love for you to the world.”

“To the world?” You ask. 

“Oh yeah that whole thing was live streamed on both of your channels.” Kuroo says.

You look to Kenma who is avoiding eye contact, “Is that true?” 

“Yea, sorry I didn’t ask it would’ve ruined the surprise.”

“It’s okay I’m just surprised and a little scared to check my phone now.” 

“Do that later after you’re completely blitzed.” Kuroo cheers popping the cork on the champagne. 

You spend the rest of the afternoon cuddled next to Kenma drinking way more than you should and talking with Kuroo. Late into the evening Kuroo says his goodbyes before heading for his own hotel room. You and Kenma are lying in bed and you can see your phone flicker every few seconds with a new notification. The ringer had been turned off long ago. You turn over in bed to face Kenma gently moving the strands of hair from blocking his eyes. He grabs a hold of your hand bringing it to his lips and kissing it. 

“Tomorrow is going to be a very long day.” You say.

“It is .” Kenma nods in agreement.

“At least I can stick close to you. Since everyone knows now.”

“Yea that will be good.”

You have a big smile plastered on your face. “What?” Kenma asks.

“I’m just happy.”

“Go to sleep.”

The next day things are eventful normally the final day of any event would be calm and this was anything but that. Fans are still buzzing over the news of you two and the engagement surprise offering the congratulations. The day is overwhelming for both of you and by the time it is over you are ready to be back in your own peaceful and quiet home. When you finally decide to check social media you are bombarded by thousands of photos, videos, clips and mentions. Most are positive but there are a few critical tweets here and there. It is just too much and you decide it can be avoided for a little while longer. It can’t be avoided forever. Both of your careers require you to react eventually and it will come sooner rather than later since you have filming and lives planned. At the house you want to collapse on your bed, you slowly change waiting for Kenma to come in but he doesn’t. When you find him he is in his streaming room staring at the three monitors. 

“Couldn’t wait to play.”

“”Hmm, I’m not playing.” He says turning slowly to face you but looking back at the screen. As you approach him and the screen comes into view you see that he is in fact scrolling through twitter, something that he never does. He opens his arms up a gesture you have come to know as him asking you to sit in his lap. You do just that sitting between his legs leaning your back against his chest. 

“So why are you scrolling through twitter?” You ask.

“It’s faster on my pc than my phone.” 

“Understandable, the question is still the same.”

“I had a lot of notifications.” 

“Well when you decide to abruptly make your private relationship with another well known creator public that happens.” You say.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

“Yes.”

“Well so long as I am with you I am always happy.” He says hooking his chin over your shoulder.

“You should probably stop scrolling. It’s not good.” You say and he hums in agreement. “We can take a bath together and cuddle while playing an easy game.” 

The next week was hectic, you two tried to continue as usual. But during Kenma’s first stream back his chat was spammed with question upon question about you and your relationship. Why weren’t you on his stream, after three hours he ended his stream early out of frustration. You had a little better control in your own live for the most part, you started your live by saying you would not be discussing your personal life regardless of them knowing about the two of you now. You thanked everyone who sent their congratulations but still you had to remind them that you and Kenma still valued your privacy and not to go over to his channel and bother him. 

“We’re going to have to do a Q and A aren’t we.” Kenma says over dinner. 

“We don’t have to do anything, everything that we do is our own choice and our own decision.” 

“Do you think they will ever stop asking?”

“It may die down after a few weeks but there will always be questions.” 

You two end up announcing a joint live Q and A after too many of Kenma’s streams kept getting spammed with questions. 

“Hello everyone and welcome to our first and probably only ever joint Q and A.” You announce. 

You can feel the nervousness seeping out of Kenma, he was barely comfortable answering questions during his streams and then he had a buffer. Most of his focus on the game. It was strange to be here with Kenma if anyone had ever said when you started dating that one day he would propose to you with nearly a million people watching you would have thought it was a lie. Hell if someone had mentioned that something like this would happen even a month ago you wouldn’t believe it.

“I hope you all don’t mind listening to me talk because getting a lot out of this one is practically impossible.” You say gesturing to Kenma. “So we have a list of pre submitted questions we will be going through and after we will answer questions from the chat.” 

You hold up a notecard with a question for Kenma to read, “ ‘Where did you meet?’, Seriously that’s boring.”

“Okay so we actually met way back as first years in middle school. I was an exchange student and Kenma was my first friend in Japan.” Kenma nods along not feeling the need to add more.

“ ‘What was your first impression of me?’ Oh that’s a good one.” You read.

“You were quiet and shy. I don’t know where that went.”

“I got more comfortable around you. Is this your way of telling me to be more quiet?”

“No.”

“ ‘How long have you been dating?’ ” He reads, “Since high school.” 

“We have been dating for seven years since our first year of high school.” You say. 

There are comments in the chat talking about you being high school sweethearts and of course none of them would have ever had a chance with either of you since you have been together so long. You two have finally gotten into a groove answering questions, laughing and telling stories. Kenma loosens up after a while almost forgetting you are being watched live. You had gone through cards you had prepared and are now taking questions from the chat. 

“ ‘When are you going to get married?’ ” Kenma reads.

“Well since we’ve been engaged for less than two weeks no idea. Seriously take a guess and maybe you’ll be right. We probably won’t mention it publicly anyway. We love you guys but don’t want any wedding crashers.”

“ ‘What do you argue about the most?’ ” You read.

“Sleep probably?” Kenma says looking at you. 

“Yeah neither of us have the best sleep schedules and we argue telling the other that they need to sleep.” 

“ ‘Who wears the pants in the relationship?’ ”

“We like it best when neither of us are wearing pants.”

“ ‘Who said I love you first?’ ” 

“Well we were friends for a long time before we started dating So I love you was just a pretty normal thing to say like hello or goodbye by the time our relationship became romantic.” You say. 

“She did.” Kenma answers.

“Care to elaborate.”

“No”

“C’mon, you obviously remember and I don’t so it’s only fair that you share.” 

With a huff, “The first time you said it was when you were leaving to visit your home over the summer break. You hugged me and said I love you and that I would be the first person you saw when you got back.”

You are left speechless that he remembers that so vividly. The chat of course is filled with hearts and everyone talking about how cute it is that he remembered. 

“Okay everyone this is where we are ending this tonight because nothing else could top that. We hope that you are having a good morning, afternoon, or evening wherever you are in the world. Until next time.” You say ending the live. “Oh my god were you trying to make me cry on live.” 

“No.”

“Well I almost did. You do realize you are so cute and anyone who was not simping for you before that definitely is now.” 

“Why all I did was say what happened.” 

You give him a kiss, “Yea and that is exactly why.”

“That makes no sense.”