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crystal-moon-101 · 4 years ago

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I wanna hear your take on Benlie and/or Benkai. You don’t have to ship them, just say a few things you could have done to make them smoother and healthier, friendship or romance. You could even have both if you have an idea on a better, cleaner break up story.

Ok, so I’m a Benlie person, 100%, and while I don’t ship Ben and Kai, I definitely think they deserved to be handled better. So I have rewritten how those relationships, along with a few others of Ben’s love life, have gone, and I’ll share it here. Warning, this does get a bit long, and does have some violence at a certain point, but I hope you enjoy my take on it!

So the start of Ben and Julie’s relationship in Alien Force is mostly the same, though I did adjust it that they somewhat knew each other before hand, having seen each other in school, especially since Ben’s soccer practice took place at the same time and same kind of area as the girl’s tennis practice. Ben asks her out, Ship appears and becomes her pet, Julie starts understanding the alien better, sees Ben have 14 moth children, the basic stuff from canon. However, my major changes start during season 3 of Alien Force, the part of the series that took quite the nose dive in terms of character arcs. I still have it that Ben and Julie start to have issues and argue, but in believable ways, and they still clearly love each other. The issues arise when Ben does start to get cocky a little, due to all the praise he’s getting from saving the galaxy from the High-Breed, and his accomplishment surrounding that are huge, since he hasn’t won something like that before. Again, doesn’t help that half the galaxy keeps praising him and treating him like a God, but Ben does still be a hero, and even starts to get anxieties since now he’s starting to deal with bigger issues, more people demanding for him to help their planets around the galaxy, and Ben wants to be that hero for them...but there is only so much he can do. He does love the admiration from everyone, feeling special and all that, but he does start to make him feel different, in and odd way...He’s struggle to connect with his human grounds now, due to constantly turning into aliens and spending time out in space, his relationship with earth just isn’t the same anymore. And even them, aliens around him treat him as something else too, like he’s not human or an alien, he’s something else, and not knowing what makes him nervous. To mask all of these fears, he uses his over-confident nature like a mask, and it does get pretty bad for a month or two until Gwen, Julie and Kevin make him see reason. Meanwhile, Julie is struggling in her own right after the High-Breed war. She was happy to have fought in it to protect her home and people, but after seeing a proper glimpse of the alien worlds outside of earth...she will admit that scares her. She didn’t go off world like when Kevin, Gwen and Ben did, mostly waiting for them on earth and did missions there with them, even lending them Ship when they needed it. While she didn’t judge Ben and was willing to live with idea of aliens after their first date, like adopting Ship, she still have a lot to process about there being alien life. It’s much harder on her than it was for Ben, because he learnt about it when he was young, his entire family knew about it and could support him through it, and even the Omnitrix provided better understandings for him. Julie...she didn’t have any of that. It was just her dad, Ship and her, and while Ship was a good start, he was still just one tiny piece of the outside world around her. She knew she’d have to accept it over time, now that she knew the truth, and especially when earth starts learning that truth too, but at times it felt like she wasn’t allowed to process. She doesn’t blame Ben for it, as he’s so use to it all by now, but there have been many moments where he seems to forget she is very early to this whole alien concept compared to him. She was afraid she couldn’t catch up, and even has moments where she didn’t want to take a step forward, afraid of what she might find. So she started joining less and less missions with Ben, Gwen and Kevin, and while she still hanged out with them, she tried not to get involved with their alien business. She will admit, maybe a part of her wished she didn’t know about alien life at times, to have a life back when things seemed more simple.

So these deep feelings from both Ben and Julie spark arguments, because both are unsure with themselves, thus unsure in relationships with others, especially each other, with Julie thinking she couldn’t keep up with Ben, and Ben thinking he couldn’t slow down for her. And it all eventually led to a point where things had to stop... And unlike Omniverse’s god awful handle of the break up, I instead had it like this. Julie is the one who starts the conversation, having called Ben over to her. She’s honest with him, saying that it’s just not working out, and that they should find different people that work for them. Ben does beg a little at first, saying he’ll try better, but Julie knows that right now they can’t be a happy couple and need space, and Ben eventually agrees, but it still hurts. It hurts more when Gwen and Kevin leave too, and Julie also goes on a tennis tournament in France, so Ben has to deal with the loneliness he feels for a while, even when Rook joins his side. Meanwhile, Julie meets Herve in France, who was taking photographs for sport magazines. The two talk and eventually hit it off, Julie somewhat clinging a little as Herve is very much the down to earth and normal human guy she thought she wanted, someone who wasn’t related to any alien business. She does miss Ben, a part of her not letting go, and while the two agreed to remain friends, they did drift a little over time. They would still voice chat, send some text and Ben would check up on her tournaments when he could, but both of their lives got rather busy and they drifted away for a couple of months, though still dearly missing each other. Ben takes his time to heal, still dealing with all the other problems he’s facing, especially the whole “Am I human, am I alien, am I something else?” and “How much of a hero am I without the watch?”. His friendship with Rook grows pretty well, and he settles somethings with Gwen and Kevin since they moved to university. So most relationships of his are going well, expect for romantic relationships... He struggles to settle and commit to most of them, and mostly dates around for a bit, spending some time with people like Looma, Rook Shar, even Attea on one date. He does eventually settle with Ester for a bit, and the two seem like a good match. Both fun loving, eager for adventure, and enjoy each other’s company. And Ben did try and make it work, he really did, Ester was a great girl and he wanted the best for her but...again, it was hard for them to keep up with each other. Ester is a girl full of energy, and very much wants to do something 24/7, and while she doesn’t fault Ben, she will admit she does get lonely when he spends so much time off on missions she can’t join in, and the two break it off when Ben couldn’t be what she needed. But they are still close friends and hang out pretty often. Again, alone in his love life, Ben felt hopeless in it. Was he cursed to be single for the rest of his life? So when Kai came back into his life, his first proper crush he can remember, he will admit that maybe he jumped into things too quickly. There was no Kenny time traveling nonsense in this version, no fate tying to together, rather just two young teens jumping into a relationship neither ended up wanting. But they stuck with it for a while because they felt like they had to, despite the arguments and bickering. Both were scared to be alone, as Ben couldn’t lose another girlfriend, and Kai realized just how lonely her work made her feel. They didn’t hate each other, they just weren’t in love. It didn’t help that, since Julie returned to Bellwood with Herve, Ben felt jealous at Herve. Which annoyed him, because Herve was actually a really nice person, and gave Julie a lot of love. Really, it was more Ben angry at himself that he couldn’t provide the things Julie needed...And while Julie and Ben did talk and hang out from time to time, Ben was distance often, even when Julie reached out to him. It was just...seeing her so happy, living a normal life, Ben didn’t want to taint that with his presence. It wasn’t until one fateful day that things started to turn around, though the start was pretty bad. It was another day, another fight with Vilgax, who was rampaging through the streets, clashing with Plumbers, Ben and Rook. Julie and Herve had been nearby when it started, and the two decided to help get civilians to safety, splitting up at one point to cover more ground. Julie ran into Rook and Ben, who tried to usher Julie away, but unfortunately Vilgax noticed her, and saw Ben’s panic of worry for Julie to run. It didn’t take long for Vilgax to remember who this young teenage girl was, and decided to use her as hostage against Ben. Seeing his arch nemesis using someone he secretly still loved as hostage, not to mention he had a pretty bad week before hand, Ben just...kind of snapped. He didn’t go easy on Vilgax for once, switching between multiple aliens rapidly to stomp Vilgax into the ground. (Side Note: I have the headcanon that, while Ben can do rapid transformation, if he does so many in a short amount of time, he does get a mild side affect of his emotions being amplified, due to his brain having tumbled around from the quick transformations.) By the time the Plumbers and Rook arrived, the two city blocks had been trashed and Vilgax was burred into the road. Due to the side affect of multi rapid transformations, Ben was protectively holding onto Julie, who had passed out from some injures from Vilgax (Nothing major, but the stress of it did make her lose conscious). They managed to pry Julie away, while Ben was taken away to calm down, needing to give his body and mind for a rest. Julie was taken to a Plumber hospital, and she woke up fairly soon with mild injures that wouldn’t be too much of a hassle to heal over the next few weeks. Many visited her, including Herve, her dad, Gwen and Kevin, along with Ship her stayed by her the entire time. It took a long while for Ben to show up, mostly because he was nervous and felt ashamed by how he acted, but Gwen gave him a good peep talk and convinced him to go. It started off a little awkward, but simple, Ben checking how she was feeling, with her also making sure he was ok too. They catched up a bit, even laughing over some old memories, which eventually lead into a small discussion about their past relationship, both finally properly apologizing for how they acted, even clearly up a few things that were worried over, like Ben admitting that he had been avoiding Julie because he thought it was better for her, and not because he hated her or anything. Buttt, one thing lead to another and well...the two kissed in the heat of the moment, both going in for it, and for a few seconds it was bliss...until they both realized what they were doing, and understanding that one, Julie was still dating Herve, and second, Ben was still dating Kai. Flustered, Ben rushed out of there, with Julie panicking over what they did.

The two keep it a secret, not wanting people to know what happened between them, and when Julie got out of the hospital, they kind of awkwardly avoided each other, needing to think about things. They clearly still held feelings, but they were both dating other people and were scared to mess up with each other again. Cue them somehow almost always bumping into each other, like the gods themselves were trying to make them suffer, and their feelings becoming more and more obvious, but neither making a move of any kind. Ben confides in Kevin, Gwen and Rook, even admitting to his feelings and the kiss to them, and while they give him advice, they know it’s up to him and Julie to sort things out.

But Ben avoids it again, not ready and unsure in himself. He already messed up many relationships before hand, including with Julie, so what if it all went downhill again...And Julie questioned herself, she had been avoiding space and alien life for so long, thinking it would make her happy, but she starts to realize that no...it’s not making her happy, trying to deny something outside of her bubble just wasn’t working anymore, especially with her feelings towards Ben. However, after some long thinking, Ben decides to at least do one thing. So he organizes a get together with Kai at a cafe, needing to talk to her. The two have a sit down and Ben explains that this relationship isn’t working, and that they shouldn’t keep trying to make something that isn’t there to happen. Kai agrees, both feeling some stress loosen from their shoulders, and they still decide to be friends, feeling much more comfortable with a relationship like that, even sharing a nice hot chocolate together at the cafe. And so while Ben goes to deal with the other problem in his love life, Kai may or may not end up catching up with Ester in the process~ While Ben makes plans on what to do next, he and Rook are ended up being called over to a Plumber Prison base, to make plans to move Vilgax finally. Little did they know, Vilgax prepared for this. You see, a part of him already knew he’d be capture again, sent to this base to await movement, so the last time he was here, he built up some allies on the inside, and eventually the outside. He also knew Ben would show up, so he made a plan to make sure the Omnitrix wouldn’t get in the way. After how Ben stomped him into the streets before, Vilgax was looking for some nasty revenge. Not really kill Ben...but something more traumatic. So when Ben and Rook show up, surprise surprise, Vilgax isn’t in his cell. While Rook talks to some of the guards, Ben searches Vilgax’s cell for clues, only for it to suddenly turn on, along with it’s defenses, including an electric shock that surprises Ben, and causes the watch to bug out, unable to be used. Rook check on Ben, but next thing anyone knows, alarms start blaring and almost all cells open, and prisoners start running while. Since Ben’s watch is down, and many people here hate him, Rook wants to keep him safe and tries to escort off the base. But Ben being Ben, he wanted to help, and rushed off to try and help some injured guards here and there, with Rook following. However, some prisoners, who were secretly working under Vilgax, skillfully guide Rook and Ben away from each other, and eventually trap Ben in a lone room, but not by himself. There, Vilgax was waiting for him, and since Ben didn’t have the watch to help, he was screwed. Vilgax knocked him around a few times, though being careful enough to not instantly kill Ben with his strength, before deciding finally to make the hero suffer. (Warning here for those who are squeamish) He does so but taking the tip of one of his claws, and dragging it down Ben’s arms, damaging his nerves. He would have done more, if not for Rook, the guards and some Plumber bursting in and chasing him off, saving Ben before he could bleed out, but the boy did pass out and wouldn’t wake up for a long while. People were, of course, scared...particularly Ben’s friends and family, who visited him everyday, mostly Max and surprisingly Azmuth, who also fixed the watch to help in Ben’s recovery. Gwen and Kevin ended up being the ones to inform Julie what happened, when she noticed Ben wasn’t around, and hearing that Ben almost died...it scared Julie. She didn’t want to lose him, of course, but also the idea that he could have died while they still had issues to fix...she didn’t want it to end like that, for things to be so messy and unclear. So when Herve saw her look down and upset, and getting her to explain what happened to Ben, the two talked. Herve admits that for a while he knew Julie still had feelings for Ben, and could tell that things weren’t so cut and dry between them, especially when he got to met Ben himself. He also admits that maybe Julie and Herve are, in a way, maybe a little too perfect for each other. Their relationship is stagnant at times, with not a lot of growth because never healthy challenges the other. So with no hard feelings whatsoever, Herve says that if Julie wants too, the two can break up but still remain friends, and Julie thanks him, agreeing too and even asking that she hopes he can still be her photographer. And for the next few weeks, Julie visits Ben with some of the others from time to time, hoping he’ll be ok so they can talk... Eventually, Ben wakes up, Azmuth having been there when he did so, and helps to catch the young boy up on what happened. Ben notices that, while his arms have been healing finely enough, his nerves are a little slow in the process, having not fully recovered, shown by him unable to keep his arms and hands steady, constantly shaking when moving them. It scares him, even when Azmuth reassures him that they’ll heal thanks to the watch...Ben just can’t help but feel like if they don’t heal, then he may have to give up the hero business in the end, even if that’s just his fears playing tricks on him. So during his recovery, people come visit him, making sure he’s ok. Until eventually, Julie shows up, wanting to make sure he’s ok, and knowing they had to talk. They couldn’t keep putting it off, especially after something like this, and Ben finally agrees to stop running and to finally clear things out. They discuss a little more about their past relationship, about their insecurities during it, and where they go from here, both mentioning they’ve broken up with Herve and Kai. They talk some more, relaxing in each other’s company, and admit to their feelings, both deep down knowing they want to give it another go. And since they’ve had time apart, learnt from new experiences, they decide that maybe they can try, taking it slow and see where it will go. And the two kiss, and for once in a very long time...it feels right. As said, they take things slow, and after everything that happened in the past few years, things actually go well for them. There are, of course, hiccups there and here, but they’re matured enough to know how to talk things through, and solve problems together. Ben does start to recover more and leave the hospital, and while he nerves aren’t fully healed by them, they will eventually. And while the two go one small dates during his healing, catching up and being blissfully happy with each other, they end up bumping into Kai and Ester, who appear to also be dating now. One thing led to another and the four end up going on double dates fairly often, having fun times together, Ben 100% supporting his two exs dating, seeing how happy they are. Julie, Ester and Kai even like to share cheesy stories of when Ben was their boyfriend, and he loves to play alone with it too. And that, is my take on Ben and Julie’s relationship! 💚💗

#Dear god I didn't mean to make this so long...#But I didn't know how to shorten it #So cheers to those that actually read this whole thing #Hope you enjoy #Ben 10 #ben 10 alien force #ben 10 ultimate alien #ben 10 omniverse #B10 #ben tennyson #julie yamamoto #Kai Green #Ester #Ben 10 Benlie #Benlie #EsterXKai #KaiXEster #Ben 10 Rewrite #My Answers

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centrally-unplanned · 4 years ago

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Allocating Your Aesthetic Budget: Sailor Moon Edition

Sailor Moon is a show that undoubtedly built a powerhouse of a visual brand. Should I even bother posting a screenshot of the sailor scouts, given that I am 100% confident anyone reading this can recall them instantly? I guess it won’t hurt:

Anime is often really good at creating iconic designs like this, through repetition of the visuals. It is awkward in live action shows if characters just wear the same outfit every scene (what, they only own one outfit? Are they homeless/work in the tech industry?), but animation gives us enough aesthetic “distance”, an awareness that this isn’t accurate to real life, that you can buy into the conceit. By wearing the same outfit every time, it just becomes the character. Not to mention a studio can really save quite a few bucks by streamlining production with neat tricks like having only one character design to animate - when you are on a shoe-string budget, like pretty much every anime in the 90’s was, every cut corner counts.

What is interesting about Sailor Moon is that most of the time it doesn’t really use this conceit at all.

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Episode 15 of Sailor Moon’s first season has, in its opening act, this shot of all of the Senshi (at the time) talking to the plot-of-the-day character, who clearly trains rock Pokemon in 16-bit caves in his off hours:

If you knew nothing about these three characters, you could probably infer about 80% of their personality just from their outfits. Usagi (the blond one in the middle, if that's necessary) is wearing:

Light pastel colours, with pink on top of that: girly, feminine, bubbly and breezy

Short-but-not-too-short of a skirt, and red heels: cares about fashion, wants to project an image of being a woman with a romantic hint to it

Long-twin tails w/ buns: Contrasting the shoes, she is still immature and childish. It also means she is the protagonist of an anime

Rei (far right) rocks a very different look:

T-shirt and jean shorts, shoes over heels: sensible, practical, a bit sporty

Very short shorts, long black hair: Confident, a bit aggressive, and suggestive of a more overt sexuality

Ami (far left) settles into a more restrained vibe with:

Full, long, but sleeveless dress, bob-cut hair: Chaste, more conservative, but not to the point of prudishness; particularly with the length (and the hand posture, shielding her body) probably a bit shy

Monochrome blue colour in outfit & hair: reserved, serene, possessing a calm demeanor

I know I have seen the show already, but really none of these details are a stretch - this is just the language of fashion. And all of these outfits are outfits that the characters have never (or rarely) worn before up until this point. The cast of Sailor Moon, far from that animation conceit of “standard outfits”, change clothes all…

the….

time.

I just randomly clicked on episodes to find these, it requires no hunting

And while it isn’t always as spot on as the top picture, they all in some way embody the language of visual design to speak to the personality of the characters. If you want to see more, check out one of the multiple tumblrs dedicated to the everyday clothing the Sailor Senshi wear, because of course those exist.

If this was a 2010’s Kyoto Animation show, pointing this out would be the end of it - every one of their shows has this level of impeccable detail. Sailor Moon is notable in that it is not at all that kind of show; the animation and designs in Sailor Moon take perpetual shortcuts to get the job done. I don’t think the transformation sequences need to be belabored - the way they permitted the team to recycle identical animation sequences, multiple times per episode, was surely a godsend to the production schedule. Yet not all of the budget limitations are so prettily masked:

I’m sure they finished the background art in the...VHS release?

The show is filled with dirty animation, unfinished backgrounds, backgrounds that are a simple color gradient for no clear reason, and so on. It is clear that the Sailor Moon team did not have the resources for every detail - which is why the decision of what details they did choose to prioritize is so interesting.

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What is the point of Sailor Moon? I do believe that shows have “points”; and by that I don’t mean a message or theme but a core appeal to an audience, something specific that they will get out of the show. Almost every show appeals along multiple axes, and Sailor Moon is no exception, but I want to focus on one: aesthetic identification.

If you learn someone is a Sailor Moon fan, there is the obvious follow-up question you have to ask, namely “which Sailor Senshi are you?” It’s the which-Harry-Potter-house-are-you question of anime, a horoscope where you can choose your sign (in this case literally). The premise of this concept is not hard for media to execute on - it is just personality traits and aesthetics grouped together under a label, a basic building block of media and clickbait internet quizzes. Harry Potter, ironically, raised up its memetic question almost by accident, as its focus is so squarely on House Gryffindor that the others are almost forgotten; it was just so mind-bogglingly popular that it didn’t matter.

Sailor Moon, however, takes this concept and allocates so much of its aesthetic budget into making it a centerpiece of the show. Sailor Moon herself is a klutzy, lazy romantic, Sailor Mercury is a shy, earnest bookworm, and so on, with none of them ever really becoming very complex characters. However, the show devotes itself to making you *feel* these archetypes as strongly and intricately as possible. All of those outfit changes are chosen because not only do real girls care about their outfits and can therefore identify more strongly with characters who do the same, but so they can constantly emulate their archetype in diverse, different ways. The show doesn't have the budget for intense action scenes, so after Sailor Moon engages in her hyper-serious transformation sequences, she proceeds to, nearly every time, bumble through the combat scenes like this:

Oh sure, the scenes are done this way because it is funny (and good comedy can be done on any budget - these shots are frequently still frames with motion lines!), but it is also done this way because Sailor Moon is a total screw-up, and if you identify with that it is validating to see someone “just like you” able to pull off wins despite it all. The transformation sequences are not only beautiful animation that showcases aspirational power, but are also crafted to highlight the personalities of the Senshi in question - unless you think aggressive, combative Rei got fire powers by coincidence. Half of the run-time of every episode is spent, not on the plot du-jour, but on light-hearted personal squabbles between the cast because those scenes are not just funny, but also allow for far more moments of character expression.

All of that work pays off in building with the audience, not a connection with a character who reflects their identity in total, but a connection that reflects one aspect of their identity in an extremely deep (dare I say multifaceted?) way. I think if you were to describe Sailor Moon as a “shallow” show, you would actually be right to say so, in a sense. These characters will never have the true depth of personality, themes and so on of a more ‘adult’ show. But those adult shows have to spend their effort somewhere - for all that the themes of say Evangelion or Paranoia Agent are pristinely detailed and impactful, you aren’t ever going to be memorizing the moves of their transformation sequences. The way Sailor Moon committed so strongly to fleshing out the archetypes the Senshi stood for is, I think, one of the keys to how this cast of five became so iconic.

Not even their school uniforms match! They had to spend time in-universe *justifying* this!

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A Final Note:

At least, everything I’ve said here applies to Sailor Moon at its peaks. The show, however, is not one without its stumbles, even in Season 1. This section doesn’t flow into the core essay too well, but I wanted to note it because if you were to watch Sailor Moon today, you might struggle to feel the dynamic outlined above. The biggest culprit here is the length - Season 1 is 46 episodes long, and sections of it most certainly drag. They also take a startlingly long time to introduce the cast - this choice builds tension around their arrival, but it also means the later Senshi get a lot less time to establish themselves. Sailor Venus in particular gets hamstrung by this - she is introduced and then immediately arc plot elements sweep the narrative, and so she is left as a hollow shell for some time. The pacing of the show is undoubtedly flawed.

I think Sailor Moon is a show that you do have to keep its time and place in mind for - namely, middle schoolers and anime nerds watching it on broadcast TV in the 90’s. As an adult you “get” the point of the show pretty quickly, and get satiated on it almost as fast. Watching it all in a few sittings only heightens this problem. For a younger audience, and one that is waiting for a week between episodes with no internet for plot reminders, all that extra time is needed to jog memories and build connections. And younger audiences just have that limitless commitment to the things they love! If you think no one could actually enjoy seeing the same transformation sequence for the 30th time, watch it with someone who would have died for this show when they were 10 and you will be disabused of that notion *very* quickly.

Still, we can’t travel back in time - Sailor Moon is a show of its era. There are “filler-reduced” guides out there, though I caution that the plot of Sailor Moon is absolutely not the point of the show in comparison to the character dynamics, and so sometimes the filler is the best part (Cat-Rhett Butler is the best character in the show YOU KNOW I’M RIGHT). Certainly, however, some method must be used to cut down on its length. If you are going to be a first time viewer in adulthood, that reality should be kept in mind, and if you do accept it for what it is you can really appreciate its core appeal - and don’t forget to finish it off with a 1990′s era internet personality quiz to really wrap it up!

#essay #anime analysis #sailor moon

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detransexual · 4 years ago

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Im struggling with femininity at this point in my detransition. I have so many thoughts about it, ill try to not go on forever but bear with me.

I know i dont have to be 100% gender non conforming, i know a long flowy dress in summer isnt exactly anti feminist, but it certainly isnt rejecting the ideals that are already in place either. I dont like wearing makeup, it fucks with my perception of myself, but being able to cover up the ever present shadow of facial hair is really relieving. I dont like wearing bras, but a very slightly cupped/padded sportsbra makes a (surprisingly) big difference in making me look like a flatchested woman rather than a dude. I dont like the concept of plastic surgery or surgery in general, but i would love to look more normal even without prosthetics or just a bra, i would to look a little closer to what i should have been like. I miss them the most in the context of sex, and it makes me sad that i always bound and hid them from my girlfriends rather than allow my whole body to be loved and seen as acceptable. Even though im happier about my chest now than i was pre surgery, i wish it had just been a reduction, scars (even of the size i have now) wouldnt be nearly as painful a reminder than the (almost, there's still like, a little more breast tissue than a bio male with my body weight/muscle/fat ratio would have? ) complete lack of tissue.

There are things im happy about, and i was actually a bit sad to notice my body hair has gotten lighter and that my clitoris is not as sensitive or quite as "full"/big as it was on T, because im still really happy about those changes, they've both made me feel MORE comfortable as a woman and in my body.

I dont think id dislike my voice as much if people, particularly (or perhaps exclusively?) other women, still recognised me as a woman with it. Its not a bad voice, its just not really mine, and its not a voice i can freely use without thought or consequence. my voice was already quite deep, especially if i wanted it to be, so it would have been better as it was.

There's still a lot that i dont know where i stand, and since ive always been unsure of who i am and shit, and since ive been so certain in things i was wrong about, its hard to commit, its scary. Both permanent changes and coming out again are very distant, both because i need time and because it takes time to get help again.

But all of this is making me struggle with femininity, it makes it easier to pass, and in turn not be reminded of the whole ordeal, although it also makes me more focused on it, which is probably gonna turn out just as harmful as when i was focusing on the opposite in my original transition.

I dont want to buy into exploitative and objectifying behavioirs, but i feel very very isolated and alienated from other women, something ive felt since i was very, very small, but this is different.

Feeling alienated as a kid was rough, and i desperately clung to what was expected of me, trying to fit in, trying to make myself "right", and ofcourse it was painful, but it was more internal than external.

During my trans-identified years, the alienation became explainable, and being alienated from other girls and women felt like a given, ofcourse thats how it was supposed to be since i was a boy! And i didnt feel trult alienated from boys until i was in my late teens and early 20s living stealth, and suddenly i had to pretend to be someone else in order to fit in. there was a huge difference between being the tomboy friend and actually being "one of the boys". You hear and see very different things when they dont think there's any girls or women around.

But after realising i neither could nor wanted to fit in with men, i gradually realised i was no longer just feeling alienated from other women, but i actually was. Its hard to connect with other women, make friends or exist in female spaces when you're no longer seen as a woman if you open your mouth, and i know thats nothing that overt femininity would change, but i honestly dont know how else to "compensate".

Meeting other detrans women has been wonderful, and i definitely wish i knew more gnc and butch women, but i just cant seem to find any in real life, ive yet to find any real women's spaces that arent "for women and anyone who doesnt identify as a cis-man :)".

I dont want to have to be feminine to be seen as a woman, i dont want to reinforce to myself or others that womanhood=femininity, i dont want to reinforce or portray detransition as meaning becoming genderconforming or like "accepting" and falling into stereotypes or "becoming a REAL woman" through femininity and gender roles. I dont want that, but i dont know how to balance what i want for myself with what would make my own existence less painful and what i think is "right".

I want to be able to be a visbly gender non conforming WOMAN rather than being seen as a gender conforming man, but being a gender conforming woman often makes ne appear and sometimes feel more like a gender non conforming man anyway. I dont know how to balance it all, and im torn between wanting to be a boghag and wanting to perform excessive femininity.

#Detrans woes #Personal #Op

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choicesenthusiast · 5 years ago

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alright folks i wrote an essay

I never really could properly articulate what about relationships the romance books make me so uncomfortable without sounding whiny and ignorant until now. Y’know, this is probably why I enjoy fantasy/adventure stories more; not just in Choices, but in real life too. There’s a lot under the cut so keep reading only if you want to. These are my personal opinions and criticisms so ummm... don’t be butthurt I guess?

In the past 3 romance books, our first perception of the LIs are that they are sexually attractive. We hook up with Cassian and Professor Kingsley (still a gross relationship). We have a wet dream about Sam. After, that’s all their relationships are hanging off of. Sexual attraction. And I’m not saying that sexual attraction is a bad thing, but trying to form actual relationships based off of sex only with no emotional substance is... not the most ideal. When telling a story, you not only want the characters to feel for each other, but for the readers to feel for them as well.

We never really learn much about Cassian (at least I didn’t, because everything’s paywalled in Witness. This is why important character background shouldn’t be fucking paywalled!!). Hell, we don’t even know anything about MC except that she’s a whiny bitch. They just love fucking on every surface available. The reader can’t emotionally attach, nor care for either of these characters.

Sam’s relationship is a little more excusable. I’m not really bothered by that as much as the others. They’ve been spending time together. Sam opens up to MC about the company, and the twins, and all that. They’ve allowed for the relationship to grow past the physical attraction, despite all the +Desire popping up every time MC licks a popsicle or some shit.

PB keeps shoving MC onto Kingsley, even after they’ve literally written that the Professor is uncomfortable with the situation. As of right now, it seems MC only wants to bag the Prof for the clout. It’s only been 4 chapters, but there still isn’t any reason for readers to be invested in this relationship yet.

In books such as BOLAS, you’re placed in situations with the LIs in which you’re prompted to open up. Surviving a life and death situation makes people extremely vulnerable. In Blades, you get to know about these characters. You learn to care about them. So in the end, the sex is 100% more gratifying. Witness could’ve pulled this off, but failed miserably. MC could love the sex because it’s what she’s good at. She feels safe and comfortable in that situation. She wants to feel safe with Cassian, because ummm she just witnessed a fucking murder?? They could’ve made her open up about the trauma, or the commitment issues. But nooo. Also, having sex every chapter makes it less “special”, I guess? Sex in Choices is usually used as that final gratifying step in each relationship, so having it in every chapter doesn’t make it as impactful as it maybe should be? IDK. Maybe that’s just me.

I think that OH1 did the whole “sexual tension” thing well with Ethan. That’s why people were drawn to him. He allows himself opens up to you, even sharing about his burden with Naveen, which he has never shared to anyone before. However, the restrictions of being not only a boss, but a good mentor, stand in the way of their full relationship. This is kinda similar to Sam’s situation in TNA, but the difference between Sam and Ethan is that Sam is so riled up for MC right away that we never really see the “restraint” part of what we got with Ethan. That sex scene with Ethan was like a whole climactic release (pun definitely intended) to their tension. I would’ve enjoyed more of the restraint from Sam themselves, instead of being cockblocked by everyone when they’re about to do it. Every time. Cause you know they would’ve kept going if people didn’t interrupt. Ethan makes a conscious choice to avoid a relationship with MC. Sam doesn’t.

Not to mention, there’s the whole “1 LI book” thing. I’m still not a fan of this, especially coming from an app called Choices. Having 1 LI eliminates the... well, the choices. Big surprise there. And even though PB has been incredibly biased and unfair towards the screen time each LI gets, some books still have their moments. Mother of the Year handled each LI well. Platinum had awesome minor characters. Giving MC some time away from the LI makes us more appreciative of the time we do have with them. Forcing MC and Kingsley makes us want less of them. Life is a contradiction. Humans always want what they don’t have, and vice versa. So constantly sitting us with the only LI makes us want to spend less time with them.

Finally, plot. I know PB hasn’t really marketed these books with much plot, but come on. They’re interesting concepts. You’ve witnessed a murder. You’re trying to weasel your way to the top of a classist university social hierarchy thingamabob. TNA actually gives us the nannying and the affairing, exactly what they promised, so I don’t really know what to say about that one... but whatever. Witness is literally just PWP. And y’all are on Tumblr, so I know y’all know what PWP means. A good story still needs a good plot, so sacrificing plot for a romance is never a good idea (in terms of storytelling). Personally, I like having characters grow together from their experiences rather than have them so stagnant in their relationship just for some good sex. Though sex is always a good bonus.

In conclusion, perhaps I know how to write a good story? Or at least a good character dynamic, whether it be romantic or not?? I don’t really know how to dispute this claim... I am deteriorating here in quarantine, so writing not-essays about pixelated romance is the best I can do to entertain myself. Anyways, I really hope you agree with me in one way or another.

#playchoices #choices stories you play #queen b #the nanny affair #witness a bodyguard romance #blades of light and shadow #open heart #distant shores

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spicycreativity · 4 years ago

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Fanfic Appreciation Week Day 7: A Place Where I Can Breathe

Yes, folks, I'm appreciating my own darn fanfic for the final day of Fanfic Appreciation Week because I worked really hard on it and it was a labor of love for/with one of my QPPs, my roommate, the man who got me into Sanders Sides: @\cadeorade-powercade (That's him in the aesthetic board)

Allow me to present the director's commentary for A Place Where I Can Breathe:

Content Warnings: All content warnings mentioned in the fic apply.

Chapter 1: I actually wrote this fairly late in the game. It's meant to serve as a prologue and orient the viewer in the universe, s opposed to staring on Chapter 2, which just throws the viewer in without context. I think it was a good choice, as it also allowed me to introduce the concept of the Sides having power focuses early on.

The Premise: Cade is a Virgil stan and he was getting frustrated looking for Virgil fic. He was finding a lot of stuff written without nuance by young authors, a sort of "by teenagers for teenagers" type deal. We are not teenagers, so we both have a hard time relating to that kind of teen angst fic, as we're not the target audience. So he asked me to write him a Virgil fic and we worked together to identify what plot he wanted, what the Mindscape looked like, and what quirks the Sides have. So a lot of this fic is quite gratuitous and self-indulgent

The Title: Lizzie McAlpine has a song called "Apple Pie" which includes the lyric "I've been running around trying to find a place where I can breathe." Apple Pie SCREAMS Moceit to me, and I had taken notice of the lyric and wanted to use it as the title for a Moceit fic. I didn't really have an idea beyond that, and when Cade asked me to write this fic, I realized it was actually perfect and summed up Virgil's inner struggle quite nicely. So cheers to "A Place Where I Can Breathe," the Moceit Fic That Wasn't

-Cade asked me specifically to include Virgil having a spider and I wrote nearly the whole fic without doing so, then had to go back and sprinkle some references in. I think I managed 2 total.

Chapter 2:

"Uh, how about I hold off on that until I actually see my room?" Virgil stared expectantly at Roman, who bounced on his toes. "Lead on, Macduff."

"That's not the line and you know it," Roman complained, but he turned to lead Virgil to his room. "It's ' lay on, Macduff,' and--"

-This fic was originally supposed to reach a climax with a confrontation between Remus and Roman, and "lay on, Macduff" would come back as a brick joke. Unfortunately, the original ending was a result of me getting tired and lazy, so I had to go back and fix it, and we lost the Roman-Remus confrontation.

It was hard for Virgil to not shudder at the sudden heat and weight on him. With his senses already open and taking in more information than his brain seemed to want to process, touch was an added stressor, more unwanted sensory input.

-Virgil being touch-averse is a direct shoutout to Cade, who is also touch-averse.

Roman had already transformed the living room: metallic streamers of purple and black stretched across the corners of the ceiling, and shiny balloons spelling out A-N-X-E-I-T-Y hovered above the TV.

-Upon first writing, Virgil had already given the upstairs crew his name, so the banner spelled out "VIRIGL" which is way funnier than "ANXEITY." But then his name reveal became a plot point so I had to go back and change it.

-Let! Virgil! Be! Mean!

-Virgil's line about hearing refrigerator noise when Roman talks is another shout-out to Cade, who has leveled that accusation at me

A small, cruel part of him protested at the idea that he would need special treatment and desperately wanted to throw it back in Patton's face. He wasn't a sweetheart, he wasn't a baby. He didn't need to crawl into a blanket fort with Dad just because he was a little stressed.

-Remus calls Janus "Janus Geminus" because I was tired and couldn't come up with a pun. "Geminus" is one of the Roman god Janus' epithets; another is "Pater" meaning "Father." That led to a conversation about Remus deliberately confusing Patton by calling Janus "Daddy," but I couldn't think of a clean way to fit the explanation into the narrative, so I stuck with "Geminus."

Chapter 3:

"There's nothing normal about that! " Roman stared in horror at the coffee massacre Virgil had orchestrated. What had once been a respectable (if not very tasty) cup of black coffee was now part of a 1:1 coffee to milk suspension, the liquid a tasteful shade of tan suitable for business casual trousers or a show-ready chihuahua.

-Cade is a certified Nightmare Man and came up with Virgil's horrifying coffee order after I asked him about it. Keep an eye out for Janus' equally horrifying coffee order later in the fic.

1) Shouts out the fact that Janus is canonically a Dostoevsky fan

Chapter 4:

Janus smiled at him. "Where reason fails, the Devil helps." He fussed with his gloves and straightened his capelet. "It's showtime."

-I fucking love Crime and Punishment. Look at me. Look at me. I fucking love Crime and Punishment. Janus' quoting Raskolnikov serves multiple purposes:

2) Lampshades the fact that Roman just conveniently happened to be alone in the living room, because I didn't want to waste time getting him there. That makes me, the author, the Devil

3) Foreshadows the impending disaster. When Raskolnikov says this line it is because he had planned to commit axe murder. The axe he was planning to steal had been moved, but he finds another, different axe to use. Raskolnikov messes up the murder and ends up killing an innocent witness in addition to his intended target. Janus messes up his manipulation attempt and ends up murdering Roman's self esteem

-I was going to include a reference to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead (Remus' line "debauchery and vomit" was originally going to be "blood, love, and rhetoric") but I didn't because... Uh... Hm. Why didn't I do that. Maybe I just forgot about it???

-Roman is too stubborn to manipulate for long and that is a fact.

"I was pretty much done anyway," Remus said. "There's only so much debauchery and vomit you can fit into one story."

-Cade specifically ask me that nobody cry in this fic, but after I had Janus eviscerate Roman I knew he couldn't not cry a little. I kept it to a minimum because there's already a billion fucking fics about [literally any Side] crying on the shoulder of [literally any other Side] and it's really just not interesting to either of us.

-It didn't come up because it doesn't matter, but Thomas dreamed he was participating in the exact Dionysian orgy that took place in The Secret History because it's my fic and I said so.

Chapter 5:

He just sat back and watched and tugged at his hair while Janus spooned mound after mound of crisp white sugar into his mug and Virgil poured his customary eight fluid ounces of milk into his own mug.

-Cade strikes again. Virgil's coffee order is equal amounts milk to coffee; Janus' is equal parts sugar to coffee. He had asked me to include a scene where Roman catches Janus massacring his coffee and is appropriately horrified, but I uhh... Didn't write it. I still might include it as an omake someday.

-I imagine that Roman feels really strongly about dragons vs wyverns, and Remus just pretends to give a shit because he thinks it's funny to wind Roman up. Fortunately for me but unfortunately for my sense of realism in writing, I can't relate because I adore my sister and we get along perfectly almost 100% of the time.

"You shut us down every chance you get!" Remus said, baring his teeth. "How would you like it if your pens never wrote, hm? What would you do with all those thoughts in your head?"

-I do wish I had developed the concept of power focuses a bit more, established rules and such. Basically, Patton is always on the prowl for wrongthink and actively represses it, which in turn breaks or sabotages the Dark Sides' power focus.

Chapter 6: This chapter really should have been Janus and Roman but I was really tired and didn't want to bother with it. Plus, you know, Moceit. This chapter was meant to demonstrate how the characters would get along without Virgil nannying them. There's friction, but everyone is making a conscious, deliberate effort to get along because they love Virgil, and love is a series of choices you make.

I chose "Leo" as the answer for the answer to the crossword clue instead of "Virgo," because my other QPP is a Leo. She'll never read this fic, but I did it anyway because I love her. (Trivia: My sign is Virgo, so it was really a choice between shouting her out and shouting me out, and the last chapter is self-indulgent enough, thank you).

Chapter 7: I was gonna write a fic where all the Sides watched Cats the Musical because I was going through a phase. Then Cade requested this so I combined the two ideas. By this point I was fucking exhausted, and that's the only thing that saved you and the rest of the world from me writing the Sides riffing on the movie scene-by-scene. I could come up with snarky commentary for almost every, if not every single song from the movie.

Most notably, I cut a Patton-Remus interaction where Remus declares his love for Grizabella and Patton gets all staryy-eyed about Remus connecting with the idea of rising above rejection and being loved and accepted only for Remus to shoot him down and explain that he just likes that she got to die in a tire fire.

Other cut scenes include Janus quietly pretending not to go feral over Mister Mistoffelees, Patton full-on fucking sobbing over Grizabella and the kittens, and Logan experiencing a deep, soulful kinship with Munkustrap during Of The Awefull Battle of the Pekes and the Pollices (and henceforth introducing the phrase "like herding cats" into his regular vocabulary

#spicypost #fanfic appreciation week

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goblinconceivable · 4 years ago

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oh ffs, i have feels but also head exploded

So basically someone liked a story I wrote a million years ago and mostly forgotten about, and when that happens I often reread the thing. (I can’t be the only one who does that...) Can’t say I’ve thought about Alex/Izzie since I wrote it, couldn’t even tell you when I stopped watching the show, though I think it was before her cancer.

Anyway I infected myself with feels for them again. And I dig the style I was using, 1+1 started a third chapter for funsies and should have stopped there. Because I did some reading and watched some clips and it’s all too much and when that happens I meta.

Usual mishmash, structure desired but no work put into achieving it. Classic brain dump.

Okay, fundamentals first. I am for now ignoring how Izzie/KH left the show. Because they had to exit her somehow and I’m sure Shonda was pissed at her, (or was leaving the door open for her return but I doubt it.) Haven’t seen it, if I needed to I could work it into my conception of their whole arc, but since I’m more critically hung up before that point, not worrying about it.

What’s got me messed up is that RIGHT AFTER Izzie promised to not go crazy, she... went crazy. Like, WTF was that about? I get that GA is all about the soapy drama, that is why I stopped watching. First couple seasons: brilliant. Downhill from there. But two things:

1) We never get to see these two happily together. One hot second and bam.*** Every. Time. Shonda allowed it for Meredith and Derek, but in my brain other couples got it for periods of time at the least. But these two, nope. And know what? THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN FASCINATING TO WATCH. I could delve into this and might swing back around but trying to hit highlights.

2) It set them on two different storylines instead of one. And Izzie got the short stick. Yes I can see how it works on paper, but not on screen. There are limits to the visual medium and limits to how much screen time they were given, which pretty much destroy the ability to nuance something this complex.

a) Izzie’s in her own world dealing with a ghost and is basically in two relationships at once (mental note to look for parallels with Alex’s exit and Jo v Izzie.) Except one’s a dream and the other is a reality that is still developing, yet she can’t give attention to. She has to fight every time to be there for Alex in the real world, and we don’t really get to explore her struggle. It often just looks like distraction and distance and him being second right after she firmly laid out that she cares about him.

b) Alex is in a relationship and is super happy and excited and wants the perfection he’s dreamed about to be real so much he’s overlooking everything that’s off. In his own little dream world I guess, but like, the whole thing skews into this being the story of Alex while Izzie is wandering in circles somewhere over in that direction, all serving the purpose of advancing exploration and development of Alex’s character. When did KH ask to be let out? If it was after this point, Shonda svcks. I mean, it is cool to watch him really blossom, but since he’s doing it under his own steam I’m left with a bad taste in my mouth. Because he’s not really in a real relationship. I want to see him get that, I want to see it for real.

***What IS interesting, I’ll admit, is that when they’re not together, they’re beautiful. Which is most of the time, so they gave me that. I’m a massive fan of the bittersweet, the star crossed, the never-quite-on-the-same-page, the nuance, the “it’s a deeper connection, a deeper love than just romance.” Thank gosh, it is time for excited thoughts. Because there is a strong friendship and mutual reliance and helping each other grow, pushing and giving hard truths and encouragement, and yes romance is woven through this but not the genesis and used more in terms of nudging everything along the path.

I love that Alex basically imprints on Izzie. I love that he loves her the whole time. But he’s willing to step back. He may get jealous and resentful and petty and scared and mean. But those are natural human emotions, Izzie gets them too, and they’re fundamental to his character and through those things he learns and grows. Izzie doesn’t make him. She entices him. Yeah, often directs him, especially at first. But at some point he’s growing on his own, in fits and starts, in reaction to his own emotions.

For example, when Izzie tells him she slept with George, he gets pissed, but also admits why pretty readily. And he tells her the truth, remarkably straightforwards. He reaches out to her a lot. And she turns him aside a lot. And he keeps loving. Even if romance is off the table. He runs after her a lot. Sits next to her when she’s upset a lot. Is understanding a lot. He’s different with her, and look I’m a fangirl, it’s a trope, I swallow bait line and hook. Which should be bait hook and line if my vague understanding of fishing is correct. I fished once, with safety implements, and still cried even as they removed the fish and popped it back into the water. (Okay I just reread to sort out where I’d gotten too and it’s hook line and sinker. Statistically someone will probably read this someday, you have my full permission to laugh at me. Anyway...)

The quintessential moment, the revved to 100, of course being when Izzie is clinging to a dead Denny. They’re all standing around. No one even looks surprised with jilted Alex talks to her. In a really caring way. And this is still fairly early on, wasn’t watching anything but their scenes but this had to be rare sight eh? (Mebbe?) And then he picks her up and sits down holding her and she clings and cries and like symbolism and could essay that but not going to right now because the broad relevant stroke is that Alex loves Izzie selflessly. And this is the pinpoint core of why I can buy his ending, because he can’t NOT love Izzie. I don’t think he even wants to stop. Though he can set it down in his heart and let her go and doesn’t pine. But he never stops loving her and it’s so many kinds of love imperfectly yet perfecly forged.

Forged. But also born. Stars uncrossed. I have emotions without words and if I try I’ll never get out of it to move on, so moving on.

(Oh, George telling Alex to talk to Izzie because she won’t talk to him about whatever it was. Isn’t is crazy that Izzie’s emotional squishy bestie goes to the emotionally stunted bad boy to help her because... it’s an understanding of the two-way Izzie/Alex bond, but also this crazy trust that Alex will show up.)

I love that Izzie isn’t blind to his faults, truly doesn’t like his faults, but has eternal faith for who he is and can be. She always saw him as someone with walls, once she stumbled on a lose stone and got a glimpse inside. She knows. She doesn’t always understand, but she knows.

Slight divergence from that line of thought, but its a great moment when they get together and he’s fairly transparently trying to make sure they’re in a committed relationship by dangling other women in front of her, and she’s a little ticked that he seems to be taking it rudely casually. Probably a bit of insecurity, but I’d say more that she has a long history of not reading him from the perspective of him loving her. Ie, 100% not recognizing that telling him about sleeping with George would hurt him. And doesn’t get it until he comes in and he’s dropped the swagger and it’s a “I know I’m doing something wrong and I don’t know how to do it right so help me” thing.

(Random memories of Sloan/Don from The Newsroom when she’s crying on the floor and Don comes in a sits next to her. I wuvs them too.)

I love that she openly leans on him, when he offers support she takes it. She doesn’t ask why, she accepts it and leans into it and is open to it because she trusts him because she knows him. The bits where she hates him tend to fall out of romantic issues, but when that’s removed from the equation they’re in sync. And the thing is, just as caring is fundamental to Alex’s nature, trust is fundamental to Izzie’s. And those two things weave into each other. Kinda like rats and the food button. When Alex reaches out Izzie she honestly accepts it, a “reward.” So he’s comfortable doing it again, and again. And when she does rebuff him he’s seen rewards come out enough that he doesn’t just scatter. And when Izzie trusts him, he rewards her with gentleness and care. She has the rougher time of it overall, because Alex is more screwed up emotionally, and breaks her trust more often than she rebuffs him, but that’s where Alex’s constant love comes in. But I cannot recall enough critical moments to have a cohesive proof, so I could be a little off base.

In my head Alex has always loved Izzie more than Izzie loves him, but I think my memory was unfair. There is a real constancy to Izzie’s affection, though I don’t think she imprinted on Alex as he did on her. She’s a different person, loves differently, has different issues. But my longstanding impression is mostly because of Denny. Who she truly did love, though the qualities of that love deserve exploration which I will not at this time attempt. And Denny loved her. The whole “side loves along the way” being a trope. Though usually “it ended in death/deathlike state” is given to the man and so THANK YOU SHONDA. Thinking of classics like Jane Eyre and Rebecca though I think both were actually crazypants first wives. And I do think female character’s side guys have a habit of dying, but it tends to feel more like a plot point to shut the door on continued love, whereas Denny remains a part of Izzie’s life.

At any rate, despite superficial similarities, Alex doesn’t hit the trope because his crazypants relationship wasn’t ever really about the woman: yep Alex got Rebecca, and Rebecca was crazypants, and it was a plot point to get him to the crying. Rebecca wasn’t love. It was never love. BUT

She DID, in every way, highlight what needed to be highlighted. 1) That he desperately wants a family. 2) that caring for someone, not just about them, is fundamental to him, (and ties neatly into him caring for Izzie all those sitting on the floor conversations.) and c) it’s not entirely healthy. Which is ALSO why thrusting his new happy relationship with Izzie into caregiver role is insensitive and undermines the relationship because it only makes sense if we got to see them both happy in the relationship first. And then we can see the quality of his caregiving change. But we didn’t. So bugger it.

I do LOVE how they let almost the whole next season play out he fallout of all that. Something taken slowly! We got to explore it. Did feel a bit drawn out tbh. But it just emphasizes the weight of it, I guess. Especially as it was a subplot amongst 100 others. This was their development for the season. Which was mostly Alex. But Izzie’s reactions revealed some things about her as well. Majorly dancing around laying it out for a close look and I don’t know why.

Favourite moment? Maybe Izzie putting her hand on Alex’s chest when he’s freaking out and telling him to stop, he doesn’t need to say any more. Because he’s trying to convince her of something, and she understands. And the trying to convince is shredding him, and she knows that. It’s a very loving and accepting “stop.” She’d already taken charge of the situation, for the good of the patient. She’d already taken charge because she knew Alex couldn’t handle it, he was too deep in something to see clearly. And she’s still in charge. She doesn’t break down and cry for him, or try to comfort him, he’s been thrown back into childhood and PTSD might literally be at play and what he needs, and she understands, is someone he can trust, who’s calm and gentle but strong and solid, to say it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. You don’t have to carry this on your own. We have it now. Because when we’re little and in over our heads what we want and what we need is an adult to take the burden. And still the physical contact is comforting, her tone of voice reassuring. She creates a space where he can feel safe and heard.

Ugh, rewatching, and we’re watching him literally devolve. Stages of grief ya’ll. He’s using every tactic to try and get what he thinks he needs: being able to take care of Rebecca. He’s in denial that anything is wrong. He gets angry when Izzie grabs him, to the point of threatening to hit her (though it’s fighting words and not real threat, and Izzie totally knows that.) He dives into bargaining. She’ll be okay if he can take care of her. He can do it. He tries to convince her it’s true.

By the time he gets home it’s depression. Not just Rebecca, but about his mom. And Izzie approaches him differently. In the hospital it was immediate and she was “in charge,” and needed to be in all facets, but at home, with the situation taken care of, she’s a friend. An equal. Which is what he needs right now. His sticking point later is the crying, so I kinda wonder how he’d react just to having told her about taking care of his mom as a kid. Right at the start he told that kid about his dad, (dad beating up his mom and him beating up his dad) while Izzie was within listening distance and didn’t seem fussed. But it’s ultimately a story about him being manly and protecting his mom physically. Which would be why it’s several seasons in before this crops up - waaay more intimate information. Probably all lumped into one, with the crying as shorthand. And mostly that his past is a fact, it’s his emotions he wants to keep private and deny.

He clearly did try to drown his emotions with sex. I’m not sure it would have worked with a random girl because he’s way too close to crying to do much of anything. And obviously doesn’t work with Izzie because sex is apparently emotional intimacy and I guess comfort for men moreso than women, but it plays out as a desperate attempt to get comfort in a safer way. Bargaining again, I suppose. “Have sex and will be fine tomorrow.” But, as noted, he doesn’t get that far because it’s too heavy and he rather quickly is just sobbing.

Which is a lovely parallel to holding Izzie while she cried on him after Denny died. Though Izzie had no qualms and no massive emotional recoil because emotions and vulnerability are normalized for females Izzie is a particularly emotional person. And an inverse of all the times Izzie is an emotional wreck and Alex sits down besides her and offers her support and understanding.

Could also argue that Izzie just saying “I’m sorry... About Rebecca. And your mom” - it’s an emotionally intimate moment. Of understanding. She’s acknowledging the two situations, and isn’t trying to do anything about them, explain or push or anything else. Just make him feel understood and not alone and sex is the way he can respond to that. How to process that in a way that feels manly to him? Also notably Izzie does seem to be going with it, and it’s aborted because he starts sobbing. And is still saying “Please” which is amazing, because he totally was never asking Izzie to just sleep with him. He wants to make it stop - the pain, emotions, probably reliving memories. But also... stages of grief. He needs to feel it, so he can accept it. He really just needs to cry, and grieve, and not be alone.

And it’s like... this is where their love story feels epic because it would look so different if they didn’t have all the levels and layers of love. Take out the romantic/sexual aspect. Take out the friendship. The trust. The family. Take out anything and this can’t play out.

Who didn’t love moments like Alex explaining to Bernedette Peters that men sometimes need to protect their manliness in the eyes of the woman they love. And they’ll do shit things to protect that manliness, but it’s because they care. Which is obviously idiotic and while romantic on screen is very much not so in real life, but this is fiction so hey ho. It’s such a wonderful foil. Because the situation here was not that Alex took his pain elsewhere to protect Izzie’s opinion, but that Alex completely and for a long time shut Izzie out to protect his manliness, which is entirely counterproductive but the only option he could see. He minimizes his experience as a “bad night.” (I mean, if you remove all the adjectives, he’s not wrong.) He’s protecting his own sense of manliness to himself. He doesn’t like feeling that vulnerable. He let Izzie get too close. He’s afraid. It’s all a tangle. And it pays off when they come back together and he’s willing to be more vulnerable, almost, and then enthusiastically, happy to be.

*But it does reference when he slept with Olivia when he failed his boards. So yeah, he’s done it literally too.

Backing up a step to revisit season 5. And actually they start out close. They’re all out in the cold waiting to greet patients and Alex grabs a blanket for her. He’s not irritated that Izzie keeps asking how he’s doing, just obviously in a bit of personal denial. And they’re totally messing around and lighthearted and look at each other with their heads really close and it begs some questions about the interim, though I guess they just haven’t talked about it deeper than “are you okay.” And per the Izzie/Meredith convo I guess they didn’t continue having sex (probably didn’t have sex that night either). Though the way Izzie looks at him as he leaves, she’s totally concerned that he’s not dealing with it.

Ah yes, forgot - so they just kept his breakdown unremarked upon, the superficial checking in is situational because Rebecca is a fact. They don’t talk about it, it’s fine. Pretending it did not happen. But it’s as soon as Alex thinks Izzie told Meredith about it that it goes pear shaped. It’s funny that his issue is the crying and he’s the one that told Meredith, but thematically Izzie saying “he’s opening up to me” is sorta the same. Also awww that even as she labels them friends, there’s this little glow inside her that they got closer. Emotional intimacy, what’s life without it eh?

So also 100% it’s high on Alex’s mind. That he did it, and so too that Izzie could betray him and tell others. Their relationship is so beautifully fragile in that short interim. It’s this little bubble where he’s okay that he was vulnerable with Izzie because she accepted it and isn’t making a big deal about it. And he does feel super close to her. But he can’t take anyone else seeing him in a non-manly light. For himself, and it works in terms of Izzie too if it’s an inside/outside situation. I’m a bit stuck and going in circles. If Izzie tells, then Izzie isn’t taking it seriously? Doesn’t understand him? I don’t think he’s even angry at her, if he looks weak to others then she’ll come to see him as weak? Halp, stuck.

Also so, I’ve seen it remarked upon that Izzie tends to forgive Alex when she maybe shouldn’t. But part of forgiveness can come from understanding the other person. Doesn’t have to be, especially for little stuff. But for big stuff?

Oh, and so weird but kinda cool that right after that rather self-aware conversation with Peters, he specifically lets Izzy see him with another woman. Were those scenes meant to be inverted? Or is he going into this eyes wide open? Trying to prove something? He’s hurting her though, is it intentional? Because cheating, by nature, is secretive, your person doesn’t know so you’re not hurting them directly, though of course when they find out it blows up. But the intention to wound is not there, it’s an escape. Proving that he’s really fine and back to his old self? They are not sleeping together so this isn’t cheating.

And even after that Izzy just shrugged it off. Popped in to tell him they maybe are getting kicked out, tries to get an apartment with him. She’s holding on to their closeness and friendship, despite him being prickly. And then... he smacks her or whatever they were doing which is back to flirty, and not meaningful but notably guides her out of the elevator before him. Though her barb about STD did hit him. Maybe he was trying to figure out how to stop being rude at her, and her continued friendliness was bufffer space until he could? He does say hello at the end, but who was she talking to about having no one?

It does bring up an interesting insight. It is true bout not something I thought about, that Izzie could be lonely, and actually does get as much out of their relationship as Alex ever did. They are incredibly close. And I think George might be married at this point, and thus no longer her “person”?

And then into the cryptic speak about them, while the father/son organ musical chair thing was happening. He’s looking over his shoulder at her, glances up, unspoken words yadda yadda. Follows her out into the hall when she leaves. The freeze out is shorter than I remember, but look, they kinda always keep communicating because freeze outs do not feel right. And I’ve moved to a blow by blow but Alex is trying to talk profession, and Izzie doublespeaks the “emotionally stunted” and he physically recoils and stutters like “yeah but no, that’s not what we’re talking about” and yet is now there and talking about them too. “Okay, ... I”m trying to be- I am, but this” WHAT is he trying to be/is??? Trying to not be emotionally stunted. Is emotionally stunted (or doubling down on trying?)

This is just such a beautiful conversation. Because Izzie IS emotional and caring but she has a mean backhand. Pettiness, ultimatum, she can smack back as hard as anyone smacks her. And she’s coming from a totally reasonable place, because he’s going hot and cold on her. And you can see that it affects him, and that falls out from that same pattern where he’s trying to tell her somehing and she’s not putting in a ton of effort to figure out what he’s saying, but is focused on her own needs and thoughts. ‘Cuz she’s hearing something like “give it up, you’re not going to get what you want out of me.” And he’s trying to say “I’m afraid I can’t be what you need, because I svck, please don’t make me try and fail.”

And they’re convo through parallels continues, Izzie calls Alex broken and is like “okay I do it your way my caring for you is pointless and it’s all fine.” Dad calls for son while kinda dying. I know they claimed different thought process but didn’t Alex call for Izzie when he was shot? And the payout from the series of exchanges: Alex is yelling at his standin to just step up and show he cares. With a hefty does of potential regret. It’s a 180, hoping that the kid does love his day, as well as getting emotionally invested. His relationship with his father isn’t mentioned, not sure if it’s meant to play into this, because he has previously acknowledged that he regrets losing his father completely.

(But then 10 seconds later she’s going to go crazy and by avoiding treatment it’s kinda like trying to kill herself and just... poor taste writers, poor taste.)

Cue a moment where Izzie knows what he’s trying to say and rewards it.

Enter Izzie being a little obtuse, I know I covered this but ending my personal cannon with them getting together - Alex literally says “are we going steady.” He’s literally saying “you tell me yes or no, and I will do that.” Of course he’s trying to say “I don’t know if you’re serious and I want to be please clarify and reassure” but one of those literal ones should have been enough. But then Izzie does always push him, not always intentionally, to be a little more direct, a little more vulnerable, trust her a little more. And the result is sooooo adorable!

And brings to mind when Izzie was trying to ask him out for the first time. And it went a tiny bit screwy and Alex flips it and asks her out.

There’s just so much awesome. *sobs* And there’s probably awesome in the cancer storyline too but I do not feel I can trust it and also it’s going to run full into Izzie being lame and leaving and all character development out the window? And I DO NOT want to see her trying to come back and Alex saying No. Because what will I see in the middle that gets them there? They always say yes. Eventually. And season 16 when JC is leaving the show is a bit on the long side, even if I ignore the details of the intervening years.

Throwing everything at the wall and maybe I’ll be done with dumping or can at least refine things. It’s the little speech I’ve only read and don’t want to hear bcause not sure how he did his line-read, but when he describes how he imagines Izzie’s life. In how much detail, how much he wants for her, what he knows she’s capable of building. He’s saying it to Jo and I’m uncomfortable with the idea he loves her, even if the letter to her does leak a “love you, in love with Izzie,” and I’m fine with Izzie loving Denny and don’t find it a problem Jo is still alive because I don’t see Alex going back but the thing where if he looks her in the eye he won’t return to Izzie and the kids is upsetting. And it’s just the kids and insta-family which is enticing. I mean, he’s not going to tell wife he’s leaving that he’s always loved his ex in a different way or anything. But he’s also not lying. He does mention to Meredith that he can’t go back to Seattle. He’d stay with Jo then out of... ? Halp. The best I got is he’s currently in a dream and if he goes back to his life, where he was happy, then he’ll lose the dream and it will disappear on him?

Slightly nicer is the elsewhere expressed (Meredith) idea that he’d set Izzie as unreachable. Thus, in line with what he told Jo, he didn’t want to contact her because he didn’t want to make it worse for himself, and his happiness comparison was completely excluding himself from the possibility of being part of Izzie’s life. It’s all happiness of them individually, not together. But yes, he always wanted to reach out, wanted to hear her voice and he never had an excuse? No excuse but curiousity, and that wasn’t enough to take a chance, but this was an excuse and he took it.

And the idea that he knows the right thing is to stay in Seattle, and being with Izzie and the kids is crazy, but it’s what makes him happiest, where he belongs. Meredith’s letter read first, so in that light, he’s overexplaining to Jo. Also exposition. References that conversation about his mental picture of Izzie, which I think was in the context of Jo questioning his feelings for Izzie. It scared him because... ? He focuses on the kids. It’s a little at odds with doing this for him, and a little suddenly ignoring the fact that he’s In Love with Izzie and I guess his mental image for Izzie was also his dream life and he gave it to her. Though where he thought her kids came from is possibly an oversight. Adoption?

Because it makes it sound like he’s torn between new and old love but the old love has is kids and wins. It’s a free pass to perfection. But he imagined a “whole life” for her, which is a massive investment opf time and emotional energy on someone he hasn’t seen in forever. I mean thinking well for an ex is al well and good but this sounds a bit beyond that, where she’s not a part of his life but a part of HIS life, believing she’s okay makes everything okay.

I am also willing to take up arms and claim that “I can’t look you in the eye because I wouldt be able to walk away...” doesn’t mean walk away from Jo, but walk away from Izzie. But that’s kinda tenuous. It just... it sounds like if he sees Jo he won’t be able to leave her, which puts her above Izzie (and even the kids, though he can still be in their lives) and that contradicts other statements, or at least their implications .

Though fair point that there’s a metric of who you’ll give up everything for. Izzie would for Denny. In a sense, I hear Meredith got her back in the Seattle hospital and she declined out of respect for Alex’s feelings. So in a way she gave up her life for Alex. And never reached out to him but did respond when he did. She picked up the phone. Maybe not knowing who it was, or they all kept their own phones. And Alex gave it all up for Izzie+kids. I want to know he’d give it all up for Izzie alone, and the life they could have had.

Or is it that he wouldn’t be able to leave Jo because, as noted to Meredith, it’s the right thing to stay in Seattle. And he’s become a man who does the right thing. And sometimes the right thing isn’t what we truly want, and to get that we have to be selfish. He one perfect thing is in Kansas. And it’s the family. It’s a family with Izzie. And his kids. It’s the whole package. If it wasn’t Izzie, the kids wouldn’t be enough? Also indicates that even with Jo was not exactly where he should be.

I’m also going with “some clues in various directions to satisfy various viewers but really offending most of them because this is all 10 years ago and people are newer viewers or forgot or hated Izzie when she left etc.” But preponderance of evidence leans in favour of this choosing what makes him happiest over what makes him happy.

ETA: he has a life for Izzie in his head because if she’s not happy, he can’t leave her where she is. He sees her as an optimist, the opposite of him and good things happen when you lean in that direction. He imagines her somewhere woody because that’s where they lived when they were married.

ETA2: Izzie didn’t notice Alex wanted to be exclusive. Because Izzie sees the good in him, but she doesn’t try to justify or explain things. She takes him at face value (mostly, she knows superficial crabbiness is just an unpleasant personality trait.) Until/unless she has very good evidence to he contrary. And THAT is why he has to take an active role and go to her. He does have to work for the relationship.

(Briefly skipped to a scene in season 6 (avoiding that season) and he actually says “I can’t be your nurse” which is so much character growth. Because I was afraid he’d gone full out into caregiver mode, which is not healthy for either of them. He’s protecting himself, but also pushing her to face up.)

CODAS

Watched Alex calling for/hallucinating Izzie when shot. Maybe it’s a Miranda thing? After freaking out right after she died, about how he can’t live without her, his breakup speech was essentially about how he realized he could survive without her. He doesn’t need her like that. And he was really hurt by the really shitty thing she did, leaving him. Thus valid conclusion that they should part ways and he’s not caught in the love/hate. But at some point after that, per hallucination conversation, he really wants her to... come back for him. To love him enough to not be able to stay away and come back for him it’s funny because the best way for her to love him was the respect his wishes and not come back. I mean she doesn’t even say anything after he asks that.

Interesting point “we married...” It’s a promise. He starts with “I’m sorry.” His breakup speech to her - rehearsed? He’s speaking from love and hate all blended and I think he’s a lot more honest and self aware, and he’s almost always been honest with Izzie. So his dying speech was also fear based? He’s scared, he’s in shock, like, physical shock. To when is his mind taking him? It’s natural to have regrets after a painful but necessary breakup. It’s been months but that’s still recent enough. So on the whole, inconclusive except yeah, he isn’t over her, but he admits during their breakup that he loves her “so much.”

Also love his “frozen together in time... and now we’re not.” They’ve both grown and changed, and so has their relationship, but there connection hasn’t. That hasn’t changed.

So back to his Izzie speech, which is meaningful intentionally as in 300th episode, where years later he was wondering still about her, enough to create a good life for her. A happy, rich and full life. He imagines it clearly and deeply enough to add smell to it. Smell is heavily linked to memory and emotion.

As happy as he is with Jo. Maybe it’s contentment? Something missing for each of them but not something he consciously knows? Meh. Back to frozen. He has an image, a full rich image of her and her life. It’s immersive but static, a snapshot. And the him who looks at that snapshot is the same him over time.

Letter to Meredith. “It’s about me.” Which is sorta back to breakup speech. It was about him, ending the relationship. He didn’t deserve to be left. And this is about him, not leaving Izzie+kids. There’s movement and beauty in this.

Meredith/Alex talking true love. So I’m torn. Jo refused his proposal, and the question is if you only get one true love. Did he think Jo was a true love, and if she refuses him it’s not? Or is he hoping that true love happens after they’re married? Given the constancy of his love for Izzie, from fairly early on, even if he didn’t call it that at the time I’m pretty sure it’s indisputedly much earlier than marriage, and she turned him down all the time, which would forestall true love worse, right? Can’t say as I’m not watching any Jo/Alex, cannot will not no need don’t gotta.

#alex x izzie #grey's anatomy #brain dump #meta #why couldn't i just leave well enough alone #and mess around with a vignette for funsies and a writing exercise #and not actually look at canon #because now i have feels #and am confused #and there are barriers to my feels #but it's okay i will live in my own little AU #and remember and know more than i did #given it was many many many years ago #i mean over 13 #right after season 4 started #izzex

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jadelotusflower · 4 years ago

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June 2021 Roundup

It's been a month of highs and lows. Every year my city holds a cabaret festival, and I've seen some truly amazing acts over the years - including Lea Salonga, Kristin Chenoweth, and Indina Menzel. This year's Artistic Director was the great Alan Cumming, and although due to covid he didn't quite get to curate the program he wanted to, the opening night Gala was still a highlight, as was Alan's DJ set at the pop-up Club Cumming afterwards, where there was much singing at the top of my lungs and dancing to pop anthems and theatre tunes. At one point Alan, dressed in a onesie and perched on the shoulders of a man wearing only sparkly short shorts, was carried around the dance floor while Circle of Life blared. Reader, I was delighted.

I was also able to see his solo show Alan Cumming Is Not Acting His Age, which was hilarious and damn, he can sing!

As for the low, I was meant to fly to Sydney for the weekend to see Hamilton, a trip I have been looking forward to for almost a year, but had to be cancelled because of a covid outbreak and border closures. The tickets have been rescheduled, but I'm still kind of bummed about it (while completely appreciating the need for covid safety, especially when our vaccine rollout has been completely botched by our incompetent, corrupt federal government)

Anyway.

Reading

The Hundred and One Dalmations (Dodie Smith) - With all the bewilderment over Disney's Cruella, I decided to revisit the original novel which I first read as a kid. It's funny, I had very vivid memories of this book, or rather thought I did, particularly the scene where Roger and Anita have dinner at Cruella's house that fixed in my young mind as utterly disturbing with all this devil imagery and the implication Cruella was literally some kind of demon, which must have been either a) my overactive imagination or b) an illustration, because it's not as clear as I thought it was. The strangeness is there (food with too much pepper, Cruella's inability to keep warm, the walls painted blood red) but not the explicit demon imagery I had remembered. There is a part later in the book recounting the history of Hell Hall and the rumors of Cruella's ancestor streaking out of the place conjuring blue lightening, but clearly child me was reading far more into the book than was on the page.

But I still wish they'd gone with this version of Cruella's backstory, because to me an aristocratic, ink-drinking, heat-obsessed, possibly-demon spawn, high camp villain is more interesting and rings far more true than plucky punk against the establishment.

Smith clearly had Facts About Dalmations to share, and she does really craft a wonderful animal-based story that the Disney animated film is largely faithful to. Key differences include: Roger's occupation (he doesn't have to pay tax because he wiped out government debt somehow?!?), Pongo's mate and the puppy's mother is called Missis, Perdita is another dalmation who acts as a kind of doggie wet nurse, Roger and Anita both have Nannies who come to live with them (Nanny Butler and Nanny Cook), Cruella is married to a furrier (who changed his last name to de Vil). Also odd, on her first description Cruella is described as having "dark skin" but later in the novel her "white face" is mentioned, so I'm chalking it up to 50's descriptors not having the same meanings they do today.

The Duke and I (Julia Quinn) - After being just whelmed by the tv series, I wasn't really planning on reading the books, but I saw this on the top picks shelf at the library and damn, the top picks shelf is irresistible. This is very much Daphne's book (and I had known each in the series dealt with the different sibling) so many of the characters and much of the plot of the show is absent, as are some of the more baffling elements of the show like the Diamond of the First Water nonsense, which I always thought was a strange character choice in that it stacks the deck for Daphne when her character arc is better served as somewhat of an underdog (in her third season, the kind of girl who is liked but not adored), and the Prince subplot which was always far too OTT even for soapy regency romance.

It's a breezy, fun read (that scene excepted), even if the misunderstandings are contrived and I'm never going to take "I'll never have kids because I hate my dad" as a credible romantic obstacle deserving of so much angst.

Faeries (Brian Froud and Alan Lee) - A lovingly detailed and illustrated compendium of Faerie and its inhabitants, drawing from a range of European (but primarily Celtic) folklore and mythology. Froud was a conceptual designer on The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth, and the link is clear in the art as well as the focus on faeries as mysterious but oftimes sinister beings, where human encounters with them rarely end well. Lee has illustrated several publications of Tolkien's novels, and was a lead concept artists for Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings and Hobbit trilogies, and there is a touch of Middle Earth here as well, or rather the common inspiration of the old world. A useful resource for my novel!

Watching

The Handmaid's Tale (season 4, episodes 4-8) SPOILERS - So when I last wrote about this show in the Roundup, I was complaining it wasn't going anywhere. Well, I'm happy to be wrong because they finally changed things up with June finally escaping to Canada. That part of the plot following the survivors and their trauma has always been far more compelling than Gilead, and so it was a welcome development even if I side-eye some of the choices (none of these characters is seeing an actual licensed therapist why?).

This show has always been difficult to watch given the subject matter, and that has not changed after the shift in power dynamics. I will give the show credit for showing a broad range of trauma responses, from Moira wanting to move on and not let it consume her, to June, a ball of rage and revenge on a downward spiral, to Emily, trying to follow Moira's path but being drawn to June's, to Luke, trying his best but utterly unequipped to deal with what is happening.

But it is very hard to watch June go down this path - raping her husband (I concede the show perhaps didn't intend for it to be rape, but that's what is on screen and framing it as just "taking away Luke's agency" doesn't change that), wishing death on Serena's unborn child, and orchestrating Fred's brutal murder by particulation, then holding her own daughter still covered in his blood and it getting smeared on Nicole's face (an unsubtle metaphor in a series full of unsubtle metaphors).

There are interesting questions being asked of the viewer, and the show (perhaps rightly) not giving any answers. I can certainly appreciate the catharsis of Fred getting what he deserves even if I personally find the manner of it horrifying, but where is the line between justice and revenge, is revenge the only option when justice is denied, when does a trauma release become cyclical violence/abuse - the show is, for now, letting the viewer decide.

Soul (dir. Pete Docter and Kemp Powers) - In a world full of remakes/reboots/sequels, Pixar is perhaps the lone segment under the Disney umbrella committed to original content. However, there does seem to be a Pixar formula at work directed to precision tugging the heart strings, and some of the film feels like well-trod ground. On the other hand, it's hard to criticise the risk of centering a kids film around the existential crisis of a middle aged man, even with the requisite cutesy elements (and of course, the uncomfortable pattern of yet another film where the black lead character spends a great deal of the runtime in non-human form - herein, an amorphous blob or a cat). But the animation is stunning, it successfully did tug my heart strings, and the design of the Great Before and the Jerrys is original and fun.

RuPaul's Drag Race Down Under - Drag Race is somewhat of a guilty pleasure for me, since I generally don't watch reality shows, and this is something I really enjoy even if I'm not invested in the fandom (which like many fandoms can be very yikes). This year it was time for the Australian/New Zealand (Aotearoa) queens to show their stuff, although it's been met with mixed reactions. Covid restrictions didn't allow for guest judges, relegating them to mere cameos via video calls, and its clear that Ru and Michelle really don't quite get all the cultural nuances - Aussie judge Rhys Nicholson was however always delightful. But it wouldn't be Australia without a racism scandal, with the great disappointment of the two queens of colour eliminated first, and one queen having done blackface in the recent past yet making it all the way to the top four.

In the end, the only viable and deserving winner was last Kiwi standing Kita Mean, and it was pure joy to see her get crowned. I do hope they fix the bugs and indeed do another season to better showcase AU/NZ talent.

Writing

A far more productive month - to try and get out of my writing funk I had a goal to try and write every day, even if it was only 100 words. While I didn't quite achieve a consecutive month, I did get a pretty good average, at least got something posted and two others nearly there.

The Lady of the Lake - 2441 words, Chapter 4 posted.

Against the Dying of the Light - 2745 words

Turn Your Face to the Sun - 1752 words.

Here I Go Again - 1144 words

Total words this month: 8082

Total words this year: 35,551

#personal #long post #roundup #june roundup #reading watching writing #here's to the second half of the year #I really want to get to at least 100k written #so we'll see

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theamberfang · 5 years ago

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Journal 335: Hanger

Partial Success

Last night, even if I didn’t list it among my tasks, I did commit to avoiding junk carbs today. I had some success with that, though it was with some allowances and it didn’t last quite the whole day. I decided to, more specifically, focus on avoiding things like candy, potato chips, and cheese puffs; I did end up allowing myself to eat some popcorn and a graham cracker sheet. Near the very end of the day, I did end up caving and eating some cheese puffs and candy.

Also near the end of the day, I ate some instant noodles. My desire for these noodles made me realize that I might have been low on sodium for awhile; I recalled how I haven’t been adding salt to my food too often in the past month. This puts my recent cravings for potato chips and such into a somewhat different perspective: some element may have actually been necessary, but for the salt. If I’m going to continue trying to commit to avoiding these kinds of junk foods, I need to make sure I have enough salt without them.

On that note, I’ve been thinking of setting periods of time when I restrict my carb intake and other periods when I relax things and allow myself to eat whatever. This is partially because I think it might be easier than trying to make a full commitment to avoiding carbs (especially since I’m not 100% in control of my diet, since I live with my parents), and another part to try to continue gathering data on this sort of thing. I’ve even considered doing something like starting a spreadsheet to keep track of this sort of thing: record the amount of carbs I ate and how I felt overall. I could probably also record other things, like my sodium intake. It would be a very new thing for me to try—which, as always, tends to make me anxious—but it could end up being very helpful for managing my diet and health.

Indignation

Yesterday, I mentioned how I could have sworn there was something that I really wanted to write about in my journal that had slipped my mind once evening rolled around. I had thought it would have to be about my creative writing plans—indeed, there were some additional thoughts I had on the topic—but I actually had something to say about the things I’ve been learning on Khan Academy, where I’ve continued to make slow, yet steady, progress.

Currently on Khan Academy, I’m studying the antebellum (pre-Civil War) period of American History—so the early nineteenth century. Yesterday, I had mostly just wanted to mention how angry some of this stuff makes me feel. Like, people in the South actually went from considering slavery to be a necessary evil, a “peculiar institution,” to trying to defend it as being a social good in response to the abolition movement. (Though, one thing I appreciate were arguments that actual slavery were better than capitalist wage slavery, but that just shows how bad capitalism is rather than slavery being a good thing in any regard.)

What really got my righteous indignation going, though, was the concept of Manifest Destiny. This idea that Americans of European descent were these godly beacons of civilization and that everything to the west was savage wildland—including the American Indians that lived there—that was theirs to be tamed by some divine right. This was the justification behind large-scale genocide.

And my problem isn’t just that it happened: it’s also that it’s so unaddressed in modern American culture. We decry the genocide committed by Nazi Germany in World War II, yet we ignore this. In fact, if I recall correctly, the Nazis learned about this sort of thing from Americans. I’m not even wholly innocent in this myself: I learned about this in high school American History, but I had never thought much of it until recently. To be fair to myself though, my history textbooks really didn’t do the reality justice: they were practically trying to sell Manifest Destiny as a good thing themselves!

(In retrospect, I suppose it shouldn’t be that surprising since the high school I went to was literally named after someone who fought on the side of the Confederacy. Ironically, it had a large population of black students.)

I don’t have too much of a point in writing this: I just wanted to say that I’ve been having strong feelings about it.

Wrapping Up

Anyway, tomorrow I’ll be writing an Extended Outlook, the last of the year even. As such, I’m thinking it might be less forward-looking than usual—so less of an “outlook” at all—and more of a look back at my year. It’s also the last one of the month, so maybe I’ll do a cursory review of any progress from past Outlooks, but I do want to look back on my year in general. Maybe I’ll even look at my posts from the beginning of 2019; I might find a New Year’s resolution and see how it went.

Tomorrow’s Tasks

Dance for exercise + hand stretches; 1000

Khan Academy; 1100

Extended Outlook: End of 2019 Edition; 1300

Journal; 2000

#daily journal #personal #diet #health #history

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doktorpeace · 6 years ago

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Top 5 Games Of The Year #1

[Downside Ballad - Pyre OST]

Pyre is something really, truly, special and let me prove that to you by just describing it in the most literal sense. It is, essentially, a Basketball RPG and Visual Novel about escaping Purgatory. Not only is it wholly unlike any other game I’ve ever played or, really, even heard of before but works; it takes such a wild concept and turns it into absolutely one of the best, most unique, most touching games I’ve ever played in my life. To sum it up here right at the start, because this is going to be very long, Pyre is a game that combines a beautiful visual aesthetic and tangible, easy to parse, always expanding lore to build a cohesive, believable setting for its world and inhabitants. It then fills that world with fully fleshed out characters, so fleshed out in fact you will miss content in your first go round, because of the nature of the game it is impossible to see all of the content for every character in a single run which I’ll get into more later. It conveys itself to you in the style of a visual novel for the most part, giving a lot of time for character interactions, dialogue, and a conveyance of the world at a pace that keeps the game continuously fresh and easy to digest. It caps off each set of interactions with a gameplay segment, called a Rite, which are the ‘Basketball’ segments I mentioned before. While that’s a bit of a simplification of what all the gameplay has to offer in terms of depth and strategy it’s still a pretty apt way to describe it. Cap everything off with a unique and memorable piece of music for almost every major NPC and major part of The Downside and Pyre takes so many seemingly disparate elements and so many ostentatious ideas and turns it all into a cohesive whole basically without error and for that it deserves so much love and praise. The Downside and every location therein is so distinct and memorable it’s incredible and I think it’s helped by how colorful it is despite the narrative purgatory and harshness it has. Every location stands out from one another based solely on color palette and design. I’d like to just post a few examples:

This is helped by each Rite arena having a unique layout as well, integrating the uniqueness of the overworld and carrying it over into gameplay. The geography of The Downside has an almost dreamy, impossible to exist feeling about it from start to end which contrasts in a good way with how well realized the setting is. Part of what helps each location and every Rite feel unique is that every single place the party travels to is in and of itself a monument or major landmark of some kind. Be it the largest ship to ever crash in the sea, the remains of a titanic scorpion which once wandered the deserts near the beginning of the game, or even just where many of the Downside Imps reside every location has a tangible existence to it. This is helped by one of the smartest conveyance features I’ve ever seen in a game, and it really takes advantage of the visual novel style presentation of Pyre. Every single time a proper noun is used in conversation the text is highlighted in a bold red text and highlighting that text, be it about a person or a place or an event, the game will reveal just a snippet of information which clues the player into key information as they play in a non-obstructive way. In fact, this is used for one major character to convey the meaning of all of their dialogue, as they do not speak english.

Then, once the player has met said person or been to that place, or heard a bit more about that event in another conversation a full page or more gets added about it to the Book of Rites the player has from the beginning of the game, giving the player an optional chance at more reading to invest themselves further into the game world. Some of these pages open solely through gameplay challenges as well; Lore about the stars which you follow and the constellations in the sky and the major locations will only unlock by playing the game in ways relevant to that information. All of this information can be obtained in a single playthrough and, to me, represents what a ‘100%’ run is for this game, a great reward in my opinion. The more you want to interact with the world the more it opens up to you, 179 pages of optional text in all and as someone who read every last drop of it I promise you it’s interesting and worthwhile as a reward, it would take far too long to go into detail about here.

[Strange Voyage - Pyre OST] The inciting incident for the plot is that the player, yes you as the point of view character is intended to be literally you, has been breaking the law by knowing how to read and keeping books. The game lingers on this only in an opening cutscene, showing your collection being burnt before cutting to you exiled and sure to die in The Downside. Being as the player themselves are intended to be involved in the world and setting the game never asks for a name but instead only asks for your pronouns. He/Him, She/Her, and They/Them are all options and as a minor details I personally like that She/Her is the default, most games with features like this assume male as default. Regardless, this changes nothing mechanically about the game every character interaction with you stays the exact same, they just use the proper pronouns used to refer to you by. It’s a nice little option. Your importance to the characters who save you is immediate and thus your ability to be invested is as well and your importance comes from your crime: You can read. You, the player, are literate in a world where literacy in illegal and that allows you uniquely to read The Book of Rites, a magical book in the possession of the other protagonists (the reason they have it at all is explained later, it’s not just a Way Too Convenient happenstance though I will not reveal why here in order to avoid spoilers) which can be used to determine the next location a Rite will be held. Thus, from the very start putting the onus of deciding exactly how to get from point A to point B on the player. This immediately gives the player a reason, but a mundane and believable one, to be special and to have decision making power in this situation. You’re not some god touched, ultra special, prophesied savior. You are defined by this literacy so strongly that your special title is ‘The Reader’ which carries different connotations to different characters. Ultimately you’re just you. It’s good writing and I love it. The game then focuses on the journey you take with the other starting characters Jodariel, Rukey, and Hedwyn travelling from the furthest point south in The Downside, hitting all of the major locations along the way to conduct the Rites being held there, and travelling as far north as possible to the place where special Liberation Rites are held. These Rites are always between your team The Nightwings, and the best scoring team in that Liberation Cycle. The lore based reason for your team always competing is given in the song played during these Rites and is expanded upon through other lore, including a major plot twist at the end I won’t spoil but in short The Nightwings are the team all others are measured against. The writing surrounding this works well enough as a means of never excluding the player from the most important content in the game, while also giving good reasoning for your team to be unique. As their name implies, these rare and special Rites are used to determine the worthiness of a single individual, one selected from each team, to ascend back up into The Commonwealth with all of their crimes forgiven. As one could imagine this can result in some INTENSELY bad blood between members of The Nightwings and other team’s players. Imagine you’ve worked your ass off succeeding in these Rites, surviving a downtrodden and harsh purgatory with little in the way of food and you get ONE STEP away from finally being free, only to be rejected at the last minute. It’s gonna sting and it’s GOING to change how these characters feel about each other. Since everybody in the plot has been here longer than you have and they’ve all got relationships and opinions regarding each other. Some as simple as hating a whole team and some deeply nuanced and seeing them slowly open up to the player is another nice treat that helps the world feel oh so real. [Vagrant Song - Pyre OST] The pacing through this first half of the game is absolutely superb. You’re introduced to every playable party member you’ll receive, of which there are 9 in total, given an extended opportunity to interact with them and learn about who they are, their motivations, the crimes they committed to end up here, just a whole lot about them though not all join quite yet. While you won’t learn all of this immediately and, oftentimes, can miss major information on a character if you manage to have them Liberated that’s a purposeful part of the game’s structure. You can’t always see everything or know everything about someone, even if you really want to. It drives home the quality of the writing just a little bit more while also giving the player real, meaningful reason to play through the game again. From here on though, the game’s pacing enhances dramatically and the player is really given the reigns to decide a lot of things. I won’t go into too much detail since it spoils a big part of what makes the latter half of the plot special but basically a lot more Rites than normal begin occurring at once. Typically only a couple can happen in a night, since it is based on the glow of certain stars imbuing their respective landmarks with the magical power needed to perform Rites at all. Since so many are happening at once the player can really dictate what characters they get to see and where they get to play a lot more and that’s great from a gameplay perspective. While I felt the pacing of the game got a bit too fast compared to the first part and initially found it jarring Pyre never loses its poise and the player will quickly get into a groove with their newfound freedom. Plot events are still meaty and there’s a lot of unique little dialogues the player can miss simply by not bringing certain party members to certain locations against certain other teams. It’s all very granular and means no two playthroughs will be alike. Before I forget a little thing I love about this game is how The Blackwagon, the home you all share, starts kind of plain and bare but every character you get adds a little personal something to the interior and as you travel through the world it gets filled with all sorts of nick-nacks. It helps flesh out your party members and the world while also making the Black Wagon feel genuinely lived in, it’s nice. Also, if you highlight any given personal item of a party member it’ll tell you what they’re currently doing, so even if you can’t talk with them that day you can still get just a little bit more flavor text out of them.

The game has variable endings in both major and minor ways. I would consider there to be about four ‘major’ variations on the ending, all of which are determined by your overall success in the Liberation Rites. There are then somewhere around Two Hundred Million end state variations depending on the player’s choices, successes in Rites, what they learned, who specifically they freed, and more. While the player could get all of the main variations in just a few playthroughs this sheer dedication to detail gives every player something to feel accomplished for that’s all their own. All in all, I could gush about Pyre’s writing for hours but I think that will suffice for now. I think it goes without saying as well that Pyre is a visually stunning game. The almost paint-like models and dreamy appearance of everything is beautiful to see in motion. Every animation is clear, every particle effect stunning, every location beautiful, and every character expressive. Pyre is a beautiful, gorgeous game and I wish I could give it the description it deserves but frankly I don’t have the words to. Hopefully just the pictures I provide throughout this review will help sway you but trust me, if you like playing games for their visuals, their character designs, their environments, just how pretty everything is Pyre won’t disappoint you. [The Eight Scribes - Pyre OST] About the gameplay itself Pyre manages to build a Sports RPG that, at least to me, didn’t feel like a ‘Sports’ game in the colloquial sense. It felt involved, tactical, and had enough of a fantasy element to it to make it stand head and shoulders above its contemporaries. Pyre’s gameplay is deep, balanced, and most importantly fun. All 9 of your playable party members feel different from one another, in part thanks to the amazing variety of body types at play lending themselves to intrinsic gameplay differences, and they each add something valuable to the three man team composition that each Rite is conducted with. This combined with each map in the game being just a bit different also means the player is constantly incentivized to try new team compositions and to not fall into just a comfortable rhythm.

Rites are contests with no time limit. The only goal at hand for each team is to extinguish the Flame of their opponents, which is essentially their basket. To do so each team must try and carry an orb that spawns in a neutral position to their opponent’s flame with any member of their team, leaping with force into it. The Flame of each team has a standard worth of 100 and most of the time your goal is to earn 100 Points or inflict 100 damage depending on how you look at it, though there are variables which can make this number higher or lower for both the player and their AI controlled opponents. Each character lowers the flame’s value by a different amount, usually inversely proportional to their speed and size. Your largest, slowest, hardest to navigate party member, Jodariel, can snuff an entire flame in just two or three scores meanwhile your faster, easier to score with units such as Sir Gilman and Ti’Zo typically lower a flame by 15 or 20 points.

[Talon Sheath - Pyre OST] Importantly, however, is to note that scoring with a character removes them from the field until another goal is made. This means the team that scored last must now play 2 against 3 and, if they continue scoring, will continue to play at that disadvantage for the entire game after the first score. This system, like so many others in the game, ensures the player never gets too comfortable relying on ‘old reliable’ strategies and must constantly think and play to their fullest. Alternatively, characters can both pass and throw the orb to facilitate team based play and allow for advanced strategies and unique abilities to be made use of. Throwing the orb into the Flame of an opponent takes a bit longer and is harder to do than jumping into the Flame and also nets less points BUT keeps the scoring player in the game, since they were not banished by the Flame. This opens up a lot of playstyle variety and strategy on its own and is a very smart feature in my opinion. While playing a match each team can only move any one character of the three at a time, and while it’s nigh instantaneous to change who you’re controlling it does make for an interesting, almost chess-like approach to gameplay. To make this more clear there is no AI to control the teammates you’re not actively playing as, they simply stand there until you choose to move them around again. Some characters are only really good in movement where others can easily be useful just standing still it creates a unique gameplay feeling which keeps the tension high and thus player involvement up. It’s hard to describe exactly how it works, but trust me, it works quite well. [Path to Glory - Pyre OST]

Banishment is another major part of how matches are played in Pyre. Each character has a different attack or set of attacks that, if they connect with an opponent, Banishes them from the field for a time and it is possible to have an entire team wiped out at once, leading to free goals. In addition to their dedicated attacks characters also have a stat called Presence, generally tied to how large they are and their demeanor, which causes them to cast a flaming shadow in a circle around them. If any opponent so much as touches the ground in this area they are instantly banished, allowing large characters to function as ‘goalkeepers’ in a sense. Note that I said touches the ground, however, some characters can leap a VERY long distance to undermine all but the absolute largest of Presences given good spacing and timing. This mechanic functions well, but can sometimes be frustrating since the AI can be VERY good at making called shots or long distance snipes to take out characters. Just flinging the orb into opponents can banish them as some characters, that’s fun. Interestingly as well a character’s Presence Aura disappears while they perform an active attack which in and of itself is a good balance for characters with exceptionally large Auras.

Each character has a few major stats: Glory, which determines the damage they deal to the Flame anytime they extinguish it. This is generally inversely proportional to a character’s speed, but some characters who are particularly righteous still score very well even while being fast such as Pamitha. Presence, which as mentioned before determines essentially their defensive capabilities. This is generally tied to the character’s size, though Ti’Zo the imp has an extremely large Aura regardless of being so small. Quickness, which determines their speed. Generally the smaller the better, but the fastest character of all, The Vagabond Girl (Who for the purposes of this review will be called ‘Fae’ from here on because LITERALLY everyone I know chose that name for her) is of an average size. and last but not least Hope, which determines their respawn timer after being Banished by an opponent. This is entirely informed by the character’s personality and thus has nothing to do with their other statistics. It is also the most fickle stat, being the one most prone to both temporary and permanent changes. These stats can be adjusted by Charms, each character can hold one and every character has at least one completely unique to them that no one else can use. Charms generally just raise stats to give an edge to a character, but they also can give access to unique options such as a farther leap, augmenting a character’s special abilities, the ability to cause earthquakes by jumping, the opportunity to instantly respawn after being banished once per play in each match, and more. Characters can also be adjusted as they gain experience, known as Enlightenment in this game. As you play through characters will slowly gain access to four permanent and major adjustments to their playstyle. There are 8 options with many being mutually exclusive. These are permanent changes with I believe only a single opportunity to respec a single character on any playthrough so the decision is tough especially since often all the options presented are fun and interesting. For some characters these upgrades push them to one role or another but for others, like Hedwyn, it can take a relatively mediocre and unspecialized character and make them into an absolute powerhouse. Other things that can adjust the character’s stats include your dialogue options with them and about them to other people, plot events, and who is Liberated at the current time. Most of these are temporary but sometimes you can have permanent effects on your teammates, for good or ill.

[Never to Return - Pyre OST]

Now to get to perhaps the defining trait of the gameplay side of things, the event around which the plot revolves: Liberation Rites. As I touched on before these Rites are used to determine if a character is worthy to go free from The Downside and return to society at large with their crimes forgiven. This does have gameplay ramifications which are permanent in each playthrough, whoever goes free is removed from the game. Be they your teammate or your opponent they are gone for good. For you this means no more talking with them anymore, no more finding out about them except by secondhand accounts which are generally less detailed than the source, and no more using them in future Rites. Only your three most experienced party members are options for Anointment on any given Liberation, too, so don’t think you can just send your least favorite party member who you’ve been neglecting; You must give up someone of great value to you every single time. It’s a tough decision which, again, drives replay value AND the narrative along letting every last element of the game coalesce in a meaningful way. One might decide to keep their very favorite character around a little longer so they can help in more Rites and so they can talk with them more, since every character has unique dialogue all the way up through the very end of the game, but then you may risk them never going free as there are not enough Liberations to go around. It’s a tough decision every time and there are no right answers. It’s a great, amazingly considered concept from a narrative and gameplay perspective and it was well worth building a game around. I would like to talk briefly on each party member, but not too much since I want to keep them special. I will only talk about eight of the party members here since two of them are spoilers in and of themselves. Hedwyn is the closest thing to an ordinary person you get in your party. He’s a kind, level headed man who’s always there when you need advice. While initially he might seem boring compared to the other options Hedwyn ultimately surprised me with how much I liked him though in terms of gameplay he’s definitely the most plain party member. Not the worst, far from it, but definitely the most plain. His role in gameplay initially starts as an ‘all rounder’ kind of character but eventually he blossoms into a supportive role, acting essentially as a cheerleader for your other party members, giving them AMAZING boons just for taking the field with them and honestly that fits his personality so well. Jodariel is a Demon, she has managed to survive in The Downside for a very, very long time compared to most. She’s gruff, very slow to open up, and generally quite harsh and realistic. All that said she’s still quite personable if you have the drive to get to know her. As a result of being down here so long she’s also got a lot of ties to the other teams you’ll be facing giving her some of the most interesting relationships in the game. She’s kind of a team mom, too, and very self sacrificing over the course of the game. In terms of gameplay I think Sandra puts it best:

She is arguably the weakest party member you receive on the whole but she is far from useless. She’s a great auxiliary party member and slots well into just about any team of three characters. Defensively she’s a monster as well, her Presence stat can reach ludicrous levels, making it impossible for opponents to score in any way other than by throwing the orb or banishing her first. She’s quite fun to use on the whole. Rukey Greentail is a Cur (yes that is his species name) and is quite the rogue. He’s got that kind of disposition where you just know this jokester is hiding something from you but he’s very good at deflecting attempts to pry so he’s slow to open up. He, like Hedwyn, is actually quite kind from the get go though his snarkier more eccentric personality can make him harder to read and get along with at times. Ultimately though he’s a good guy, he’s just also kind of greedy. Early on in terms of gameplay he will absolutely be your offensive star. He’s fast, he’s got a long jump, and he can dart right through enemy defenses and only gets better at it as you go. I tend to find he has kind of a reverse bell curve of effectiveness. He’s incredibly good early on, then in the middle of the game most other characters overtake them as they can fill multiple roles on a team compared to his specialized speedy offense, and then he unlocks the ability to double jump and shit absolutely hits the fan. Rukey is a great long term investment and is the character most able to just ignore enemy defenses and terrain difficulties in order to seal the game for you. Fae is another human, like you and Hedwyn, though she’s a bit more in line with the world you find yourselves in in terms of personality. She’s very out there, having visions and a very deep interest in and almost idolization of The Eight Scribes and their lore, giving her almost a religious aspect other characters lack. She’s difficult to parse and doesn’t develop as much as the other characters but her relationships are developing at the same time yours are, since nobody knows her before she joins you. Seeing how the party members get along with her over time is a treat. She’s an endearing character, just a bit of an oddball. In terms of gameplay she has ridiculous mobility and overall really good stats. Though she doesn’t gain as much from her personal upgrades as most other characters she’s still consistently useful since she has can run VERY fast and leap VERY far. Like Rukey she’s almost entirely offense oriented, but she can be used for other roles more easily thanks to her superior size. Also you get to choose her name when you meet her and all of the options rhyme with ‘Gray’. Everyone I know chose ‘Fae’ and I gotta say it’s a very fitting name for her personality.

Ti’Zo is a Wagon Imp and a natural resident of the Downside. Having never been to the Commonwealth and also not of a typically ‘intelligent’ species he cannot speak in human language. Thankfully he is very expressive, so you can always understand him anyway.

He’s been a member of The Nightwings for longer than almost anyone else and thus actually gives some good insight to the Rites themselves and the history of The Downside. He also has complex relationships with some other party members and enemy teams. He’s just a great wellspring of character and completely avoids the annoying ‘Mascot Character’ bullet. In terms of gameplay he’s the most different party member you get. His attack hits a MASSIVE area but also banishes himself, he has a huge presence, high hope, his Glory can be raised through his personal upgrades to great levels, and he’s fast! So what’s his downside? His movement is in set bursts. As you move around with him he jumps from place to place and you cannot adjust his jump mid arc. He takes a lot of commitment to play but I would argue he’s one of the strongest party members overall since he’s just so good at everything. Honestly it makes sense given how long he’s been conducting Rites, but still! [Knights of the Sea - Pyre OST]

Sir Gilman is a Wyrm Knight and he’s about everything you would expect. He’s honorable, a good and true person, and loyal to a fault. He’s also maybe a bit too forthcoming which can get him in trouble sometimes. Nonetheless he’s great to have around and is a funny guy, too. Despite his seemingly carefree nature he does a lot of introspection and worries about the choices he’s made in his life giving him a hidden bit of sadness that’s interesting to tap into. Gameplay wise Sir Gilman is a great, well rounded character. Though his presence is small he is great defensively, with perhaps the safest attack in the game, a teleport that damages everywhere between where he starts and ends. He can easily defend your Flame and wipe out whole teams. He’s also amazing offensively as he’s quite fast and has a good leap, but his orb throw is very slow and easy to intercept making his offense a bit one dimensional. Overall Gilman is a great party member who slots comfortably onto any team. Pamitha is a Harp with a troubled history and a great desire to make good out of the mess that is her life situation. She’s had a rough lot in life, growing up in a society that demands everything of you, something she still struggles with growing past. Despite that she’s got a fun loving personality and is pretty personable, she just has a hard time gaining the trust of your other party members, especially given the conditions she joins under. She’s an interesting nut to crack open and she’s got a lot of depth but I feel that goes without saying. In terms of gameplay she’s unquestionably the best party member in my opinion. Like Ti’zo she’s not really bad at anything but unlike Ti’zo she can fly. Flight is exactly as overpowered as you might anticipate in a basketball game. Once she has the orb she’s basically already scored. Pamitha is absolutely incredible and can do anything the player needs. She can win whole matches entirely on her own without breaking a sweat. There are two other playable party members, but I’ll refrain talking from them here. I’ll just say they were both among my favorites, one in particular holds a lot of context to the game as a whole, so getting to meet them will be a special moment for anyone who decides to play the game after reading this! All in all your party members are diverse, well balanced, and interesting. They truly are the draw for this game and though I didn’t anticipate liking them all so much truly they all, each and every one, surprised me with their depth and just how well realized they were. I love the cast of Pyre, well and truly. Additionally there is one quasi-party member, the above mentioned Sandra. Though never playable she does offer you help and advice through the game. She’s snarky and has a very negative personality though even from her you can eke out a friendship if you’re consistent in talking with her. She has an extremely unique perspective I won’t spoil, but she has character specific challenges, one per party member, which require you to beat her 1 vs 3 in a challenge built just for that party member. Succeeding unlocks a unique Charm for that character and they’re great moments of progress and inspiration for each and every one. Sandra’s a tough opponent though, so don’t take her lightly. While all of her content is optional, it’s good bonus content and I’d absolutely recommend talking with her anytime possible and taking her on with all of your party members as the chances arise.

[In The Flame - Pyre OST]

The last one I want to talk about is you, The Reader. While you aren’t playable in Rites directly you do control the Rites, and this game controls really well. Regardless of if you prefer a controller or a keyboard and mouse the game feels good. I played with a Keyboard+Mouse setup and was able to unlock every singleplayer achievement on my first run, though some did take multiple attempts. You have the option to restart Rites at no penalty at anytime as they’re being played, keeping the stakes from getting too high, but savescumming is obviously not within the intent of the game. Still, it’s an option if you wish to use it. Overall Pyre is not too hard of a game at default, but there are 12 Constellations which unlock over time, all of which make the game harder should you choose to make use of them. In exchange your characters get 3% or more bonus experience per each one in use. These range in effect from ‘Make the AI faster/better’ to ‘Damage your own Flame at the start of a match’ to giving opponents basically hacks, such as allowing them to keep their Presence Aura while holding The Orb, which normally is not allowed. These can add a severe challenge to any match in the game and are worth exploring, since winning a match with any given one active unlocks more lore in your book! Still, the customizable difficulty means no player should get bored or find the game too tough or too easy. As you may have noticed I’ve been linking to some of the game’s absolutely stellar OST throughout this review and, frankly, it’s one of the best OSTs I’ve ever heard in a game. It’s about 2 hours long despite the game itself being relatively short in length. The sound design of the gameplay itself is really great too, but again I’m not really skilled at being able to say why. Still, everything from moving around to scoring, to banishment sounds impactful and distinct. Even different body types cause different sounds while moving which is a great touch. The game also has a multiplayer mode in which you can play any combination of ANY named character from the main game including some who never showed up in a Rite! It’s good fun with a friend and a nice bit of extra content once the main game is finished. Really, there’s a lot more I could talk about. I haven’t even talked about the many, many NPCs but they’re quite lovely and distinct too, each readily coming back to my mind as I think about the game. Pyre is a game with so much depth, so much to it despite being only about a 15 hour game in total. Please just, play this game, it’s a complete package in every sense of the word: Great gameplay, stellar soundtrack, gorgeous art design, AMAZING writing, and an awesome concept all rolled together, it’s not often such a thoroughly and completely amazing game comes along just to blow you out of the water. It is such a special game with so much to give! It’s $8 dollars on Steam right now and its soundtrack is just an additional $3. Supergiant Games truly knocked the ball out of the park with this one, I truly feel Pyre is something special and stands head and shoulders not just above Supergiant’s other products, Bastion and Transistor, not just above other Sports games like Golf Story, not even just above other Visual Novels. No, Pyre stands above every single game I played in 2018. I love this game and you owe it to yourself to experience all of the great, unique, and amazing things it has to offer.

#Pyre (Game)#supergiant games #Dok's GotY 2018 #keep in mind this is of games I played this year and not games that came out this year

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pleasantwizardphilosopher · 4 years ago

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For those of you who are in tune with my current fic. Here's Chapter 5: Something akin love.

TW: Mentions of blood and violence

Supergirl is hovering several meters above the city, keeping her senses alert in case her assistance is needed. It’s around midnight and she's doing her nightly patrol, since engaging herself in the joint project with the pale genius, she has been taking on only patrolling a few days a week at night. That way she can focus entirely on the project while in the presence of the CEO, unless some rouge alien decides to play a little rough and her assistance is needed, and at night she can still be National City’s beloved hero. Being this high up in the sky, where her only companions are a few clouds and the rare passengers’ plane, it’s easy to get lost in her thoughts. It’s been over a year since she and Lena started working side-by-side, however, it just feels as if they've known each other for a long time, maybe in another life, or another universe.

Whenever the hero looks at the gorgeous woman, she feels like she’s staring right into her mind, as if all her fears, insecurities and problems are just written all over her face, as if she were crystalline and the Girl of Steel could stare right into her soul, as much as it is terrifying, it feels like coming home, comforting. At first, the hero wondered if Lena felt the same way as she did, nonetheless, it has been becoming increasingly clear that she, indeed, does, sometimes Kara would show up from a mission and the Irish goddess would look at her as if she could also read her soul, her fears and insecurities written clearly for her to read, in a way she is much too familiar. It scares the crap out of her, she may be the Maiden of Might, but the powerful CEO can turn her into a mushy puddle with a simple glance, it’s also reassuring, knowing that someone reads her in the same way she does, she didn’t even think something like this would ever happen to her, but she’s grateful it did, she feels seen for the first time since Krypton exploded.

There is just one teeny tiny problem, Lena still doesn’t know about Supergirl and the fact that she and her are one and the same. She knows that she has to tell her, there is no other way around, especially with how close they have gotten, and how her feelings are spilling from her heart now, be it stolen glances or a hug a little too long to be considered strictly platonic, keeping them on check is becoming harder every day, even for the Girl of Steel. Nevertheless, the idea of telling her makes her heart ache, deeply, she knows how much this secret is going to hurt her, hurt them both, after all the betrayal and abuse she has been forced to endure and lock deep down throughout her life, this will break her, she knows it with startling clarity. However, the more she keeps it hidden, the worse it’s going to hurt, and the less likely it will be for them to recover from it.

There is no going around this, and she is certain. When they first started this project Kara didn’t even consider the importance this woman could have in her life, she took it all for granted and went on like it was no biggie, and she was absolutely wrong.

The cold February wind brings her back to the present, were the nightlife of the city still reaches her ears, even though she is very high up, and in the background, she can hear a heartbeat she has become very used to, it grounds her, knowing that somewhere out there, Lena is safe and sound. It brings to her mind memories of all the moments they have shared together, of how when she laughs, she snorts a little, very cutely, her eyes crinkle and her dimples show, she looks just as young as she actually is, without the burden of a twisted family and a Fortune 100 company on her back. She remembers all those lunches together and conversations about science that made them both excited and giddy, finally having someone capable of keeping up with their minds, of all those gentle touches, stolen in between. It makes her selfishly decide to wait a little bit more, to indulge herself a little further, before dropping the Supergirl bomb.

The sound of the police radio makes her ears perk and she focuses on the sound to make out the words. There has been an attack, the pro-human rights front (what on Rao’s name?) has raided yet another alien-filled zone of the city, taking them out of their houses. No one was hurt, luckily, but now the police have their hands full with misplaced aliens. There is just something in the way they talk about the 5th and Coronel Streets shelter that hits her like a cold bucket of water, this isn’t a novelty, it’s not new for something like this to happen, and she wants to know why hasn’t anyone talked to her about this?

She drops from the sky and bursts through Alex’s balcony, startling her sister, who was calmy sipping some beer and watching TV, making her spill a little on her couch while trying to get to her feet and grab her gun, just in case. The hero starts pacing, angrily, she feels so much anger bubbling inside of her that it’s blinding, why why why why are humans attacking aliens and why hasn’t she been informed? Her fists are balled and clenched tightly, knuckles turning white, she crosses her arms in an attempt not to snap at Alex, who is standing to the side trying to get her to calm down so they can figure out something together, hazel eyes seem confused and slightly worried, and Kara feels like she’s missing something here, but the rage she’s feeling, the helplessness, won’t allow her to think clearly. She was under the impression that human acceptance towards aliens was growing, as she herself has been more openly accepted in the city’s everydayness and the every-day citizen, she hasn’t heard about this front and it worries her own naivete in the face of the growing terror.

Abruptly, Alex grabs her by the arms, forcing her to a stop. She walks towards the couch to grab the TV remote and starts shuffling channels until she gets to the news. “Anti-alien hate peaceful protests took place today all across National City”. That was today, in the afternoon, while she was working on her project with Lena, with her calming scent of coffee and cinnamon. Alex then takes out her phone and shows her the news for the past week, all of them fall along the same lines, alien hatred has been rising, there have been several deaths on both sides and the ‘Pro-human rights front’ keeps growing every day. Humans like Lex, who hate aliens, who feel threatened by them and decided to take matters in their own hands, committing xenophobic hate crimes towards populations that Kara knows have been facing discrimination since forever. How could she have been so blind? She didn’t even know things like this were happening and escalating at such alarming rate. Now she understands why Alex’s looking at her like that, like she has been under a rock (more like up in the clouds), it’s been all over the news for months now, and she has been so lost in green eyes that she entirely missed it. She needs to get her head in the game, that doesn’t mean distancing from the CEO, absolutely not, but she’ll take more time patrolling and going to the streets to support her fellow aliens, she’ll take a stronger and clear stand in favor of the ones she stands for, for those who she can make a difference being an alien herself, it’s decided.

It’s mid-May, the sunlight is streaming freely from the windows in her lab, she has been actively fighting to stop hate towards aliens from spreading but it’s proven to be quite the challenge, hate seems to be deeply rooted among the society and humans feel displaced by aliens, it’s a fight uphill, but the Maiden of Might is not going to let it get to her, to affect her hope, she is the personification of it after all. She and the raven-haired woman are going through the nanobots issues, albeit they now have a protocol to synthesize the platinum oxide nanoparticles, still needs polishing but is efficient so far; the nanobots still have some unresolved issues, which they are now trying to overcome with brainstorming ideas and proposals, hoping that someone might hit the jackpot or at least provide a new angle.

When the CEO asked her if she knew quantum mechanics she wanted to be shaken, offended even, but now, exactly five minutes later, she's absolutely regretting saying that she, indeed, knows, because as the green-eyed woman goes on and on (golly) about how solid-state physics could be the answer to their problems, Kara’s mind is starting to wander, drifting very far away from all those explanations about Fermi levels and who knows what else. Lena knows Kara is well-versed in quantum mechanics, however, she is also quite certain that talking about solid-state mechanics for nanodevices is a little out of her league, if the crinkle between her eyebrows is something to go by. Nevertheless, the woman is listening to her intently, deep blue eyes never leaving green, as if her voice is the most wonderful sound she's ever heard. Her beautiful cerulean eyes follow every hand gesture, a small soft tender smile tugging at her lips. The scent of lavender and vanilla is all the Luthor is aware of.

Kara isn't getting shi-anything, it's like the Irish goddess is speaking in a whole different language, and she speaks several mind you, but she doesn't care, she is absolutely enamored with the way her voice quivers with excitement every time she explains a new concept to her, and then gets to a higher pitch with frustration as she explains what isn't going the way she expected, or how the experiment isn’t responding the way she wanted it to, the tingle of amusement and curiosity bright and clear in forest green eyes, and the ever-present smell of coffee on her breath make her head feel dizzy and get goosebumps all over, a light pink dusting her cheeks; and yeah, she may be a falling a little bit for her.

Game night arrives and everyone is excited with anticipation, Kara finally gathered her wits and decided to ask Lena to join them. She has become quite accustomed to the Superfriends, seeing them all in quite a daily basis. At first, she felt like a fish outside the water, hopelessly shaking, but it was quite easy to fit in with Kara’s friends a colleagues. Winn and Brainy always talk about how much they admire her work, and how her ideas have revolutionized science, and Nia is always like a younger sister she never had, asking for advice, taking her for coffee and shopping, showing her the latest memes, Lena still doesn’t get those at all. It’s interesting, how they never made her feel like ‘a Luthor’, to them, her last name didn’t matter, and is so sweet in a way that makes her want to cry, before all this no one would ever touch a Luthor with a wooden stick. Here, she is just Lena, the 25-year-old genius, also CEO of L-Corp and her ideas and feelings are validated.

She has never had friends like this, to support her and tease her, not aside from Sam, Andrea and Jack, but since they are still in Metropolis, it’s refreshing to have new friends close now, her own chosen family. She gets to meet Kara’s badass sister, FBI agent Alexandra Danvers and her girlfriend, Kelly Olsen, who is a trauma therapist for the FBI, helping agents who have been through traumatic experiences overcome the PTSD; that’s how they met, on the hallways of the FBI headquarters, after Alex had lost her last partner and lover, Maggie Sawyer, quite abruptly during an undercover that went wrong, it was very hard for her to overcome it and Kelly helped greatly, eventually falling in love for each other. And it is a sweet surprise, since no one knew about Kelly until this very night. She can tell how happy Kara is for her sister, with the way her baby blue eyes widen and a soft smile dances in her face, bouncing feather-like on the balls of her feet.

Drinks are poured freely, and everyone chats about their lives, playing games is definitely not the main purpose of game night, she’s come to realize, more so after crushing everyone in Monopoly. Lena feels warm all over, small in a good way, pretenses long gone, not only due to the wine and beers, but because she’s surrounded by people willing to overlook her family’s crimes when she herself hasn’t been able to stop feeling like she’s the one to blame. When Kara locks eyes with her from across the room, she can see sparkling tears in jade-green eyes, and she cannot help but give her a small reassuring smile, in that way Lena knows everything will be fine.

Nobody mentions the ever-growing wave of hatred towards aliens, it’s a happy evening and everyone would like to keep it that way. The situation is filled with dead ends, it’s infuriating for the Girl of Steel, the Superfriends and Alex have been using all their resources and influences to find out exactly who is behind the human-rights front, to no good, it’s becoming increasingly worrying, more and more humans keep joining the front and turning against aliens, and Kara has to physically restrain herself from punching a hole in the wall out of frustration every time they fail. Families have been broken, many aliens have been evicted, and whoever is behind keeps pulling the strings towards more violence. More and more protest have risen towards alien-rights and respect, no more xenophobia, even though they are mostly still pacifist, a few aliens have started turning towards violence as well and the tension keeps rising. The Kryptonian herself has taken part of some pacific protests, in an attempt to avoid full-blown war. But the situation is becoming a mined field. Her presence in the protests only spurring more hate from the human side, as if this was a matter of sides to begin with, they’re taking advantage of species that had fled from war, hunger or destruction, she is the personification of it, in the end, she herself fled because she had no choice, because there was nothing more for her, even though it wasn’t exactly her choice. She knows, however, that by looking human she’s been able to avoid a lot of hate that comes from fear, from being different, and her speeches seem to be hitting a wall, people just aren’t listening.

Lena herself has started taking part into looking for information about the hatred wave, at first to know whether her so called family was part of it and after getting to know that Nia and her chief of security, J’onn, who is actually an undercover FBI agent (but she still doesn’t need to know that), are aliens, she has taken an active role towards human-alien allies and respect, even going as far as developing technology that can conceal aliens’ more extravagant features and make them look human, allowing them to blend in and avoid recognition, but the circumstances are becoming increasingly worse, and she is almost sure that something severe will happen, she has never wanted to be wrong so badly.

They are dancing in their lab, yeah theirs. It’s the end of July and Kara was preparing a solution of platinum oxide nanoparticles inside a shell of chrome, pop music blaring from the speakers, Lena honest to God doesn’t know how she’s come to be fond of NSYNC; when baby blue eyes lift from where they were staring at the boiling solution in the Erlenmeyer flask, they see slender agile fingers tweaking with the panels nanobots with a tiny screwdriver and through a magnifying glass, the CEO is wearing a navy blue blouse tucked into black jeans, and is currently finishing the circuitry for the prototype nanobots, which is going to work alongside the nanoparticles Kara is synthesizing. The air around them smells like tin, from the tools Lena is using, vanilla and flowers, mixing in the air, the same way their lives have mixed, intertwined. The Luthor looks soft, Kara thinks, with her big, black-rimmed glasses, and her face magnified by the magnifying glass she is using to fix the system, her tongue poking from the side of her mouth, eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

And Kara knows, she is long gone for this woman with beautiful eyes and the brightest mind, it sends shivers down her spine just to think about it. Being so mesmerized memorizing every tiny detail about the Irish woman, the Kryptonian mistakenly added and excessive amount of copper chloride, the reductor for this reaction, and it started spilling violently everywhere, a strong smell of lead and chlorine filling the lab. Green eyes look over to where strong hands are working frantically to stop the mess, turn off the hot plate and take the flask to the sink for proper cleaning. Her heart clenches with worry, immediately dropping her tools to take a look at Kara, making sure everything is fine, her heart is beating so hard that she’s afraid it will break free through her ribs. The air in her lungs seems freezing and it’s getting hard to breathe when strong arms surround her into a hug, a protective embrace she finds herself welcoming, melting in steel-like arms. There is something about this woman’s hugs that make Lena feel at home, safe in a way no one has ever given to her, and so ultimately cared for, and Kara gives so much, so freely, that is too much sometimes, is overwhelming. But now, however, is exactly what she needed. Standing in the middle of their lab, her breathing and heartbeat starts to even, an upbeat song starts to blast from the speakers and the outside world vanishes.

Kara starts swaying them side-to-side softly, to the beat of the music, when the no-nonsense CEO lets out a soft giggle, she steps back a little and takes her hands, swaying her hips exaggeratedly to the upbeat tone, laugh erupting from deeply within her chest. From one moment to the other, they find themselves dancing. And Lena cannot help but think about how adorkable this woman is, with her beaming smile, laughing so freely her head tips back, eyes crinkling, blue filled with joy and warmth and something else she can’t seem to decipher; she’s never felt this way, the way Kara’s laugh seems to fill every corner with glee, lavender and cinnamon surrounding her like a warm embrace, letting herself go pliant into strong arms. The blonde twirls her around in dramatic movements, delighting in the gleeful sound of the Irish woman’s laugh, her dimples pronounced, kryptonite-green eyes glinting with amusement and freedom, lovingly staring into blue. And if the Superfriends are watching the whole interaction through the cameras installed in her lab, she certainly doesn’t care. And yeah, she’s falling, and hard.

It all went to hell.

It is a fairly normal afternoon in mid-October. Kara is patrolling, keeping her senses alert for any information or suspicious activity that may clue them into what the human front is up to, they have been able to stop a few riots and deescalate some protests, but they are still quite behind them. When screams of terror start filling the air surrounding her, making her get goosebumps and feel cold electricity rushing through her spine, the hero booms supersonically to the location where they’re coming from and her soul falls to her feet. The human front has rioted yet another suburb on the northeast of the city, where the alien population outnumbers humans. They are heavily armed, as far as she can tell, the bullet casquets outside the building, the marks on the walls, and the guns firing sounds agreeing with her conclusion. The top floor is on fire, orange and yellowish flames creeping from the windows and thick black smoke rising up in the air, and she knows that if she doesn’t hurry several lives will be lost.

She rushes inside the building while simultaneously calling for backup through her comms, what she sees will probably scar her for life. There are several bodies lying on the hallway, unmoving, there is blood pricking from them, flowing onto the floor into a red river, dropping down the stairway and into the street, announcing what she’ll find on the top floors, they were tortured, she can tell from their wounds, killed slowly, inhumanly, making her chest flare with white rage. As a speeding bullet she checks them all for vitals, finding that most of them are already gone, she takes the ones still responding to safety for when the emergency services arrive and speeds back into the building, several black unregistered SUVs had started arriving, Alex and other FBI agents in full tactical gear stepping out from them, they started surrounding the building, ready to burst into it when the signal is given.

The Maiden of Might speeds into the building again, just as Dreamer arrives and bursts in right behind her, both putting out fires as they keep moving upwards. There are less bodies on the upper floors and Kara can only assume that they got word from the lower floors and managed to flee before the gunmen got to them. Straining her hearing she can hear hushed voices and booted feet skidding through the floor above, several heartbeats thumping hard and many others fainting; she can only assume that they haven’t heard the FBI arrive, since they didn’t have sirens on. She pushes the floor and breaks through the ceiling to reach them as soon as possible, Nia hot on her heels.

Several apartments are on fire, the pungent smell of burnt skin and smoke filling the space, she can hear faint sobs coming from some of them, terror settling heavily in her lungs, a few quiet whimpers can be heard as well. At the end of the hallway there is a tall figure, hadn’t she gotten closer to Lena, she wouldn’t know who that was, now, she’d plague her dreams endlessly for months. The one and only Lilian Luthor is standing right at the end of the hallway, fire dancing on her blue eyes, cold, icy; she’s wearing a long raincoat, her hair in a tidy and complicated updo. What creeps the Girl of Steel the most, however, is her wicked smile, how her lips curl upwards in a scowl, the woman distillates insanity through every pore. Armed gunmen surround her, their clothes stained with alien blood, some of the weapons they are holding are from alien origin and it makes bile rise up the blonde’s throat, how dare she?

Her eyes start glowing with the familiar burn of heat vision and she shoots at the woman, her goons take retaliation and fire back, Dreamer is putting out fires and helping aliens get to safety while the Maiden of Might receives the blunt force of the weapons. The bullets bounce off of her harmlessly, even the alien weapons do very little damage to her skin, she was naïve, however, as one very buffy gunman steps forward and shoots kryptonite bullets at her, she is fast, albeit not fast enough, while she manages to avoid most of the green-glowing bullets one actually hits her, settling right under her left clavicle. White blinding pain searing through her body, everything is turned into a blur, and she feels so tired, as if she had ran a triathlon twenty-seven times (May Rao help her), making her knees weak, she won’t fall here though, keeping herself upright with sheer stubbornness, still using her body as shield so Nia can take as many of them out as possible. Pulling all her strength and determination together with a huge effort, she blows her freeze breath throughout the whole floor, putting out whatever fires were left and destabilizing the armed men, simultaneously allowing the FBI to climb through the stairway to help.

The sounds of a few charges blowing off gets to her ears (Alex!) an added weight of worry hanging on her shoulders, barely allowing her to push forward, landing punches and hooks to whoever dares try to take her down, thank Rao Alex bothered to teach her fighting techniques when she first started her superheroing endeavors, the nauseating crunch of broken bones and splintered arms ringing in her ears. She’s bleeding quite severely, the front of her suit already sticky with blood. Fortunately, Alex with several agents burst through the elevator doors, apparently climbing to get there through the elevator shaft. And opens fire freely to where the Luthor is. From the stair’s doors several drones, Lena’s drones, she can tell for the logo on the side, trapping Lillian between the agents and her daughter’s own creation. These were the first aid drones, which, thanks to the Irish woman being the genius she is, could improve the voltage they gave for reanimation situations and electrocute the armed men within range. Moving forward in the collective efforts to take the wicked woman down.

Downstairs, at the front of the building, the green-eyed CEO is using a portable quantum computer with several screens to monitor and control her drones, which lays on the hood of one of the FBI’s SUVs. When Alex called her to let her know of the raid and that they may need her help, she certainly didn’t expect to see dear Mother there. When she did, she felt the acrid taste of bile on her mouth, hate towards the woman fueling her, because of course she’d be behind it all, she managed to scan the building with a device of her own creation designed to locate bombs before law enforcement teams bursts into a building. She’s never been prouder of herself than she was when she actually found charges planted on the columns that supported the emergency stairway, which the FBI was going to use to get to the top level, being able to warn them in time. She’s wearing black jeans and a white blouse underneath an FBI-issued bulletproof vest, she can see through the camera of the drones how the FBI leaded by Alex managed to make it in time, before Supergirl, who seems wounded, fell under the force of her stepmother’s sick plot. She also revels on how surprised the woman seemed when she recognized the logo on the flying machines.

Back inside the building worried hazel eyes lock with pained baby blue; Kara retreats to finish helping Dreamer with the victims. Trusting these mighty women with Lillian. From her peripheral sight she can see Alex pull a shield Lena manufactured specifically to protect them from alien weapons. She bursts through the nearest apartment and finds a heartbreaking scene, which she is certain will be seared to her brain, until her death. On the small apartment, barely passing through the doorframe is a Kaupe, death, on the floor, they have bleed profusely, from what she can tell, a big amorphous cut ripping their chest open, smearing their amazing tribal tattoos; using her X-ray vision the hero can see that underneath them is a trapdoor that hides two young Kaupe children, both of them injured. National City’s hero takes little care for the real state property right now, so she breaks through the floor with her fist after sparing a millisecond glance, scooping them both on her arms, maybe she’ll get fast enough to the emergency services, sirens the Kryptonian can already see are from several floors below.

However, she is still very weak from the bullet still poisoning her veins, the Kryptonite has been weakening her since the moment it touched her skin, she may not be fast enough. Taking a breath, she takes them down and turns them to a paramedic, hoping for the best. Returning immediately to the building to keep taking people out, she overheard through one of their radios that Lillian was being taken down, thanks to the timely apparition of J’onn, her and Alex’s space dad, as he was Alex’s mentor while in the FBI, also known as the Martian Manhunter, and someone who had been tasked with the protection of Lena, after everything the woman went through with her brother’s crusade.

Reuniting with Dreamer, both heroes keep checking for people still on the building, they still took out another four, an old couple, a teenager who was high on alien weed, and a middle-aged man who had been trapped. Without missing a beat, she returns to check on the Kaupe children. She should’ve been faster.

All those ones seeing the situation develop from the news channels that have already arrived were showing the same image. The city stopped for a moment, complete silence, not even her heartbeat in her ears. Nothing. Supergirl is kneeled on the floor silent tears streaming down her face, heartbrokenly to anyone who might pay enough attention; she is pale, green veins popping through her face, and her blood is tainting the front of her suit from a wound on her shoulder. She is softly pulling by the waist one of the Kaupe children, who is openly crying, screaming and trying with all their might to get free from the hero’s grasp, kicking and squirming; they are pulling the hand of their sibling, who is being taken away covered in pristine white sheets, their injuries were too severe, they didn’t make it.

Weeks later that night will be remembered as one of the most tragic in the history of the city, but also as the day that marked the start of the biggest outbreak of violence between aliens and humans. Countless lives from both sides would be lost as the seed for real hate towards humans was planted within the alien population, due to that horrifying scene. Right now, as the CEO watches Alex and other agents pull Supergirl upright, with a lot of effort as a result of her weakened state and subsequently separate both children, she feels nothing else but numbness, as if watching everything unfold from someone else’s perspective instead of her front row seat; her drones helped save many, but it was still not enough, she herself has suffered loss but what that child experienced today will mark the rest of their lives, particularly because Kaupe are empaths, she can’t even begin to grasp the fear and pain that child has suffered this night from the untimely death of their parent and sibling.

They haven’t found their other parent. Supergirl is being taken away from de scene, so they can tend to her wounds, the CEO is aware of the bullet that, despite everything, is still embedded in the Kryptonian. The bluest eyes she’s ever seen have never been so dim, colorless and empty, it’s a painful sight to watch, as if all hope and light had been squished from them, maybe it has. The green-eyed woman knows that the hero is blaming herself, the same way she is doing, for not being sharp minded enough to stop her mother. From the slump of the hero’s shoulders she can tell, somehow, that she’s berating herself for not being fast enough, for being injured, she wishes so badly she could tell Supergirl that she cannot predict people’s actions, no matter how hard she tries, and that humans, particularly Lillian, can be very cruel and adamant when fighting for their beliefs. It just plainly sucks. Furthermore, she needs the hero to know, however, that it isn’t her fault, no one is blaming her, no one is entitled to. She doesn’t know how she is so in tune with the hero, or how can she read her so properly, but she doesn’t have much time to dwell on it, as she has to make arrangements for Lillian to rot in prison forever. Sparing one last glance at the hero, emerald-green meets stormy-blue, with as much strength as the hero has, she seems broken, but staring into green she knows there is still a lot to fight for. As the hero is taken away Lena is now certain that Supergirl got her message, things will be alright

#supercorp #karlena #supergirl #lena luthor #Kara danvers #lillian is a bitch nothing new there #dorks in love #they are actual dorks #they're in love ok #But they won't admit it #please give me feedback #i am supercorp trash #kara x lena

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sidhebeingbrand · 2 years ago

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Look, I am becoming surprisingly fond of Bo-Katan given her past idiocy, and I do agree she can wield the Saber without conflict and is slowly becoming more fit to be Mand’alor, but before you dismiss the Armorer’s warnings and antipathy as superstition I need you to remember that she has a VERY REAL GRIEVANCE based on Bo’s non-Mandalorian conduct.

I am not talking about vague superstition around the darksaber being won or given, I am talking about her casual assumption that *genetic, hereditary Mandalorians are a thing that can and should exist, the same thing her creepy Aryan sister believed in a different wrapping.

She was happy to stand behind the symbolic power of the darksaber until it was inconvenient— until ewww, grody; an OUTSIDER got it.

(This is not an argument for Mand’alor Maul, mind you. He never accepted Mandalorian values and was not fit therefor to rule them. Come back to me when he’s agreed to follow the Resol’nare. however COMMA, please try to convince me that Bo’s reasons were anything but literal jingoism; I’ll wait.)

There are no pure-blooded Mandalorians. There are no genetic descendants of Mandalore the First. They went extinct thousands of years ago. That genetic line is ashes burning in the blood of their 100% adopted descendants. Had Mandalore the Ultimate not had the brainwave that the conquered vassals of the Mandalorian empire must be allowed full Mandalorian identity, to choose it and stand as equals with the Taung, there would be no Mandalorians left in the Galaxy.

Bo-Katan claimed leadership of Mandalore based on— the Armorer’s words-“Blood, and the Sword you now wield”. ‘Blood’ is the greater sin here. Family Is More Than Blood, as the foundational Mandalorian saying goes. Also, Nobody Cares who your Father Is; They Care What Kind of Father You Will Be.

Insular the Children of the Watch may be, but they are hardcore believers that hereditary is a spiritual thing, which is no small deal given that that’s the backbone of Mandalorian survival. When Din talks about the shared heredity of Mandalorians, he doesn’t mention birth. He mentions the waters, the mine, the Beskar. The cultural soul.

Bo-Katan, like Satine, wanted Mandalorians to be Mandalorians when it suits her purpose, and sit quietly otherwise. She doesn’t want Mandalorians to be Mandalorians when they are fighting over interpretations of the creed, which they have been doing for GENERATIONS, regardless of whether the Ha’at’ade are ever enshrined in the new canon. We know from Rebels that civil wars have been going for thousands of years. She wanted them to respect the Darksaber when she held it, to use it as a symbol of House Vizsla’s strength — until she didn’t have it. She won’t commit; like Pre Vizsla, her now headless BFF, she thinks she’s above the silly superstitions of her culture, she thinks she can play the room.

And no. No you can’t, not and be a true Mand’alor. You have to embrace the cringy vulnerability of loving your people for what and who they are.

That doesn’t mean you can’t want to better them! Jaster Fucking Mereel* was as Mando as they came and he believed that Mandalorians could be better than marauders and empire builders. You just can’t look DOWN on them and pick-and-choose your values.

(*Yes yes not new-canon yet but as a proof of concept he slaps. I hope he’s enshrined in new canon and I hope he never gave a good goddamn about Tarre’s stolen lightsaber)

I think she’s getting better. I think she’s starting to feel the spiritual underpinnings of a culture whose loyalty she took for granted, frankly. I think it’s baller that she and not Din was the first to see the ancient prophecies coming true. But rest assured there are damn good reasons to doubt her current capacity for leadership that aren’t ‘I’m sexist and she’s a meany :(‘ and that reductionism does no credit to the flaws that give her character its depth.

listen i love Din to bits, he’s one of my favourite Star Wars characters and he was a fucking badass with the Darksaber. HOWEVER…

clearly Bo-Katan owns this weapon. its hers, there is no competition. she held it for one minute and did everything the Armourer said Din should be doing with it. it is simply Hers and we’ve never seen anyone flow so well with that weapon. i love you Din but the Darksaber was reunited with it’s true owner this week

#Mandalorian feelings #you come in my fucking house #I will throw HANDS about the children of the watch #writing them off as cultist hicks is a MISTAKE and it was a mistake when Bo-Katan did it #’uwu Mandalorian heritage’ like being born on mandalore has anything to do with your fitness to be Mandalorian

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autoirishlitdiscourses · 4 years ago

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Discourse of Thursday, 18 March 2021

I'm looking forward to your discussion, which is an excellent selection. Another potentially profitable analytical path that you'd expended substantial thought on how you can think about the specifics of the midterm to correct the problems she was excellent. Thanks for doing a strong understanding of the video sets up the last minute. Let's face it: technology breaks.

All in all, you should let me know if you feel inadequate approaching painting and other emotions related to the characteristics that you would benefit from making your paper topic is rarely as profitable as students want it to a more successful would be the two of which have particular specific takes on these trees in the first four stanzas 13 lines, each will receive a passing grade for the reminder email. There are potentially benefits to both, but I also think about what men really are quite perceptive, very nicely acted. And your writing. Overall, you should be the most important think here is demonstrating that the Churchill speech is also a retraction. I gave you, but I think that it would have paid off to be amused by disturbing material. I enjoyed it a strong job of tracing developments in a lot of ways, I have you in the quarter, so that I am REALLY, REALLY enjoying these papers. If you have to choose them carefully as your notes and get 100% on the paper, and that I sent to you. Thought for the course so far. Don't forget to bring in several ideas for when and where to start writing as a parody of theological discourse in the middle—91. —But rather that, to come at places where your writing can be a woman. Well done, both of you.

I think that your surgery goes well and is taking a senior-level interpretations of the rather abstract and general questions by email, but it does give you the relevant chapters as a whole and because at least 84% on the Aran Isles: love of a text, and these are very solid job, and don't have any questions as more angry would have needed to happen differently in this situation, and American responses to 9/11. I'm sorry to take it in my section guidelines handout, which requires you to be an ever-changingness of Irish nationalism, for instance, in fact up this week. So you can draw in additional examples, resonances, counterexamples, etc. Bloom orders for lunch;/or the other paper yet. Your plans were adequate but came in after 10 p. If you miss more than the chalkboard/whiteboard in class, that you may want to make a habit of it, then you can deal with the latest selection from the second is for you that they found out is that each of you is not the low end of your argument more firmly in a lot of important goals well, plus a third of the starling but I need the class and the course. If you attend section all of the play, and your material, however, two of which affects your grade is. Basically, what does this statement relate to the traditional southern English May Day celebrations, and incurs the no-show penalty. It is a strong delivery. You should/always/perfectly OK to return to the point in the attendance or performance that is a useful way for you. You can always find my own favorite parts from that part of the poem, too, that was fair to the small-scale discussions in relation to your secondary sources without letting them take over your own strengths. I felt like you were there and did a number of students—or if I can reasonably fault you for doing a good selection, and I really did enjoy having you in lecture yesterday: The Wall Street Journal speculates about whether you have some idea of what you're doing this. Covers general guidelines for participating in the front of the early stages of planning I just got this from it's of more benefit to the pound was at many levels, and to Bloom's thoughts in more detail if you'd prefer, I think that it would help you to structure your weekend! First I made some comparatively nitpicky things in your outline and ask yourself what your argument will be assigned in class this quarter.

Hear his voice in order to minimize disruption to other people doing recitations that week is by Eavan Boland, and there, and you did well here. Make sure you can spend about fifteen twenty minutes as possible you'll get full credit for what you've sent so far, it's easier for me, because it touches on. Have a good job tonight. All in all, I think that your own ideas and ask again. You have very good job of setting up a handout I prepared for one of three people who recite together get the changed document to 0. If you're wondering about readings, I won't assess participation until the very end of that was official recognition that I do not have any questions, OK? Rather than simply being in an email, OK? You show a fair number of texts to think about this decision, but at the end of the better ways to draw deeper into issues raised in orphanages, or any of it for distribution during section the most important thing is nothing more than a merely solid job here. I'd suspect that the option of reciting Stare's Nest by My Window Yeats, addressing the significance of this is worth either 3% or 4% of your thoughts are usually businesslike, or just her conscious thoughts? All of these announcements. Let me know if you want to talk about is how you can break it down. I haven't used Word extensively for a job well done! I just sent out to be on that section is engaged and sensitive, thoughtful paper that takes the safe bet is to do is to call on you. REMINDER: Friday is for your ideas requirement adequately here. An A is theoretically in range for the quarter overall you did get the breathless exhausted happy quality of the song recordings I posted to the traditional southern English May Day celebrations, and I really did enjoy your paper never quite follow through in enough depth in your home you poor little naughty boy? You might also think it's very possible that you think it's inherently inappropriate to use the poems on the midterm, and I'll post the revised version instead, if I have a full recitation schedule in both sections, get an incomplete for the two-minute and two-minute warning relative to the bleeded potato-stalks to the growing poet, and you've done a very good job of providing and resolving it. If people aren't talking because they haven't started the reading assigned on the grading rubric that what your other email in just a suggestion, then this change to concepts of nationalist identities to have gone through it, but I think that being ready to write about in class at all to the section as a whole. Although I am absolutely willing to insist forcefully for your patience. Hi! Failure to turn in your delivery, and I wanted to be handled more rigorously.

From the name of the other, and the Dubliners-Finnegan's Wake mentioned in this regard is entirely understandable, but I also know that a female role model, or bizarre things happen during the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Define the underlined word in each paragraph, and will have definite ideas about what you want to do this well in addition to doing so. Thinking about this as the source of a text that satisfies the include an audio recording of my office hours tomorrow. I enjoyed having you in section tonight.

I before think I can get in without hurting their grade at the end of that help? Here are my comments and passages from The Butcher Boy if you can't write a more specific instances of academic spam, and I'll have them all returned by the time limit will result in a hurry. Two student musical performances have been posted to the fine points of comparison that you send me email.

I now I? I think that talking a bit more. Chris has generously agreed to share it with people, and will help to ground your analyses more in-text, and will help you to think about how you can point the other group has provided a really good paper here. I think, and if you have been exhausted in order to punch through to a large-scale concerns that Ulysses has and did a number of things that keep it up then. Lot of babies she must have helped you find your thesis statement, but spending some interpretive effort. One of these are just some possibilities, though your paper in a productive direction, though, overall. He would most need to satisfy breadth requirements, and it would have helped you to ground your analysis and what positions do you want to talk more in terms of a bar with violently nationalist and anti-semitic rhetoric. I'm sorry to take a look at what actually interests you about your health allows it. 551, p. Molly in Ulysses. Love best qualifies as the candidate that Yeats didn't have the effect of giving your attendance/participation score is possible to tie it closely it quite a good holiday! Your writing is already an impressive move. Your delivery was thoughtful to the specific text of the novel within one of you. But moving up into the flow of the recording of your presentation/discussion segment. I do not participate, then there are several possibilities. This XTHML file was last updated 27 October 2013 Thus, love of a great job! Like It, Orlando, in turn, based entirely on your main topic, based on the final itself. To be slightly more specific about how Joyce portrays the sexual content of his lecture pace rather than the top of page 160. I enjoyed having you in section. If I recall correctly, was mentioned in that context early in Ulysses, with the presentation you would have helped to think about why Francie's mother commits suicide; I am willing to meet this status, there are a well-educated person and was incredibly mature about recognizing why she was at many times a separate workbook for each one. I feel that you are thinking now, you got up in some of the quarter. You have a good job. You Loved Me near the end of your argument with a good job of setting them next to each other. The formula used to back off from forcefully asserting your often quite good. I'm perfectly sure that you're no longer enrolled in my office SH 2432E and see whether you meet the technical requirements at least a short description of the exchange rate between the poem for guitar is a strong paper, an A-paper gets not 90% the low end. It isn't enough to satisfy by taking the class. Good luck on the section website: How Your Grade Is Calculated in Excruciating Detail. Certainly! Ye gods and little fishes! I'll see you in any great amount of time that you will go first or last, please feel free to skip to the top 39 students excluding F grades, I believe that you may hit that number this quarter is 86% a high bar for anyone to assume that you have a middle-ish A-for the reader/viewer about whom we ask who rides with him after the final itself, you may recall as the introduction to a particularly complex poem that showed in your section who was in the paper is a pleasure having you in section. Well done on this you connected it effectively to the group develop its own; I still crossed out the reminder. The Croppy Boy, and that focusing a bit more. Do you have several ideas for other texts mentioned by the nearly emotionless, highly violent men who rarely speak unless it's directly necessary and by only an hour or so if you have not yet posted a copy on the relevance of what you're actually doing and what is wrong with writing all six on the web or in the delivery itself that you'd thought about this very open-ended. This means that the Churchill speech is also a complex and probably later than Sunday afternoon. You handled your material effectively and in line 1571; dropped again on 1.

97% or above. REMINDER: If you wind up receiving slightly more than five sections results in multiple ways: to engage in a few things very, very well be that your reader to take a look at it from my section website: Chris Walker, another TA for English 150 Fall 2013 Overview: Recall from the ER kept you from reciting, obligates you to open up different kinds of people haven't done the reading yet, and didn't turn in for class must represent your thoughts in the eighth line of discussion if people don't jump on this. Your delivery was basically solid job overall. I'll have them. Hi!

One By the way that is quieter overall than virtually every other A-is, I suppose another way:/Anything and everything you know that you hadn't anticipated. My plan is to engage the rest of the text that you do. Up to/one percent/for/excellent delivery, and this is worth/an additional five percent/for leading an insightful, meaningful contributions in a first draft I often do, OK? Think about whether you're technically meeting the bare minimum length for a piece of worthless land. The problem here is a pleasure working with. This is an inappropriate typeface if in doubt, use Times New Roman; turning in a comparative manner over time, but it may be useful analytic categories. You cannot tell anyone else is doing so by that time. These notes are absolutely capable of punching through to a B paper turned in up to him. Let me know as soon as possible, because you'll probably do a good weekend. I would also require picking up cues that tell me when large numbers of fingers at the beginning of the text to examine. The absolute last minute that preparing for your paper is due, and I think, too, but it's ultimately up to your overall grade for the course edition. Behavior and/or interpretation/. Remember that you're scheduled to recite, or alternate comparable relationships that replace or supplement this contract without engaging in in the way that McCabe is scheduled. You have to set your device to vibrate instead of just assuming that you have an excellent weekend! But you really have done, both 5 p.

Just a reminder that you're trying to point to the page in question: you would delete the message without reading it, then go ahead and bent my own opinion, to wind up with a topic that I gave you is so impassioned. 60; or IV. That is, despite the few I haven't seen it, your attention should primarily be on the poetry discussion of What We Lost 5 p. —They will be reciting Patrick Kavanagh, but I think that it would give you. There are of equal or even any real need for me. However, I grade you on your work pay off even more successful in any case, let me know if you want to deliver it; is the case that two people who already believe in? Good poem from an interesting and important project, and that you should be different, and see whether I can do this at this point for the reader; the second, larger claim would distract you from noticing when people disagreed with you through finals week! Something else entirely? Got it. I said?

The overall goal is in any way affect your grade. I guess you could merge the recitation into a graceful larger-scale payoff … but as it often does not include the credit for the positions we take in lecture. Papers in this, and I think that it's unlikely to be fully successful, will you swear to give it back to you. You've done a lot of lattitude in terms of which I taught them both to talk about these kinds of distinctions may help you to demonstrate excellence to a more complex than the syllabus assigns for the two or three most participatory people in the back of your paper had been stronger in other places in the margins, that asking yourself, as one of each letter range, actually: if you assert it, and I'll see you in section. Welcome to the professor and copy me as soon as you know that you're a bright group, in love with someone else in your phrasing is suboptimal or doesn't quite say what you want to go. I'll accommodate you if you pick up a critique of the play, I'd bridge to a B paper one day late is slightly lower than a B paper one day late is slightly larger than the paper may help you to let it sit and take a look at Martin Esslin's The Theatre of the performance has completed. Actually, someone else who generally falls into that conversation. Just beginning then. Flip through them in the class this is not assigning specific topics for your additional texts, and has a pork kidney for breakfast, writes odes on hawthorns, having specific points in support of your main topic, but if he allows you to draw out a draft maybe let them do so. Just a reminder that you select are very solid job overall in the specificity of your discussion in relation to your next email it sounded in section; c divorce is essentially impossible in Ireland at the evidence, and perhaps then to have practiced a bit more. An A on the International Communist Current website: Chris Walker, English majors with a well-executed. That's OK—you'll take the midterm returns to Tuesday, so it may just be to examine. I disagree with you that there are many many problems here—although I also assign a final draft. You did a very fair in most other weeks feel free to let me record the conversation without badgering or threats or even better on future papers. However, I can't imagine why he would. Whatever's best for you:/Anything and everything you know what's going on in the play, especially if the section to bring a blue book bringing two isn't a bibliography, but you were nervous and a leg. If people aren't going to be perhaps more likely to see how much time you were comfortable using silence to motivate to talk. Because the textual history of songs based on the day you recite because a visit to the poem and get you full credit a lot of ways, is to change from a consideration of the speech, page 81—, Ulysses from Calypso early in your phrasing here will help to motivate the discussion to occur.

Overall, this means, but I think, to wind up posting it on Friday before leaving town at 7 am for session A but could make suggestions, but I need the class pass/no questions, and the next thing what does it mean to take so long to get at least eight sections. However, it's easier for you your grade: You may not have any questions as you write quite well. Take care of yourself, and probably see parallels to Francie's narration. By changing technology?

5% on the first place is also fine, or at least one fundamental problem that I distribute during class in case there are other possible interpretations, and this history is to challenge you to hold the 11:45 will that work for you. I'll see you next week 13 November 2013 discussion of a country Begins as attachment to our understanding of gender relationships, playing by the burden of proof and the way of taking up time that you want the experience, they tend to promote either agreement or disagreement from the play, that's fine!

Your delivery did quite a solid and effective, too. The Butcher Boy is going to be the middle of the arrival of Irish nationalism, for the final will get you started thinking about the paper has frequent, severe grammatical/mechanical problems can receive, regardless of race were like, but this is entirely understandable, but that's not the number 50 9. You also warmed up for a second-generation descent of emigrants who left Nigeria but who lives in Ireland for three generations, but you complement it with things that would have helped some, here is demonstrating that the formula by which I suspect I already know where it is drawn from other students and grades, I do think you've got a really good ideas here. I mark you present on my good side. Think about what kind of love is bitter and mysterious, and I know my handwriting is hard-ass at the appropriate time if you want to switch their attention back to you earlier. Loy p.

Thanks for being a difficult way to help focus your argument in your discussion a bit, and recall problems. You Are Old Yeats, and bought yourself some breathing room this week the day when midterms were handed back and from section that you are at inconvenient times for you or me, for instance, if I recall correctly: once during the night before your presentation by the time when it comes down to the traditional myths as he makes clear in the earlier work, Upton Sinclair's The Jungle 1906, but it should have a sense of rhythm. Having someone else had already written a really good reading of the professor's current lecture topics. Race is a wonderful job of choosing your major logical and narrative structure of the overall relevance of what they'd discussed, then you can come up if they drag on too long.

Finally, for instance; you are interested in reciting, obligates you to achieve perfect textual accuracy; impassioned sense of the specific text or texts with which you are performing—for instance, or otherwise just want to accept it by reciting it to larger-scale course concerns. They really worked hard for it somewhat later by coming back and from topic to keep you at the last few years. Have a good job this week in section. You may recall as the quarter has always been an easy task, you may not have reached the minimum required does not necessarily mean that you picked a good sense of having misplaced sympathies for criminals. You might think about what motivates us to experience non-aligned in the maximum possible score for attendance if they exist, because I think that this is a clear line between analysis and perhaps other parts of this policy is that there are four people total including you presenting tomorrow night I'll bring for you than for recall, and several other thematic issues to say earlier: I think that there are a few minutes. Similarly, Alan Lightman published a book that focuses on their own research project, anyway, especially if vain or important, or any other text that is closely tied to romance, which is more of the larger context of that first draft I often do, in part because engaging in a way that is, I suppose that you'll drag it up. Your discussion and were so effective working together that you will handle it in to the poem that showed in the UK and Ireland, to be pretty or incredibly detailed, but it may be ignoring the context of his/her sections, but really, you did well here, though it does give you feedback on your grade, you gave quite a good job of reading the poem while responding to paper proposals, but there are no penalties. Hi! I told her that she frequently contemplates new discoveries in physics in her blue book after thirty minutes in which it could be a comparatively difficult poem to others, because under any circumstances engage in micro-level attention to the historical connections. Hi! One implication of this. Twelve-page paragraph should be phrased in a lot of lattitude in terms of which is near the end of the discussion. As I said to me but I haven't used the British and Irish currency. It looks familiar to me and you've proven that you discovered that time passes differently when you're at the review session for the rest of your ideas more collaboratively. Writing and structure may be related to your overall goal is to say that I should be adaptable in terms of the poem to memorize and deliver something in a late paper. As promised in the class, and this is simply to wait longer after asking a group of graduate students who are as nuanced and engaged manner; integrated historical scholarship with excellent close readings of The Covey and Pearse; you also gave a sensitive and perceptive, non-aligned in the novel.

My basic expectation is that you examine. The Stare's Nest By My Window Heaney, Yeats, The walks by the bird as the best way to set up that expectation for the course Twitter stream including links to songs and other texts mentioned by the lake, the condition that I get is that these are huge problems; it's of more benefit to introduce a large number of intriguing suggestions, but that you were pausing for dramatic tension rather than the Yank versions. 4 p. Think about what bird symbolism in general, I think that this could conceivably drop the class isn't for them and see whether that answers your questions? An Irish Airman even more than a very fair and reasonable in addition to the class like you to ten pages long; this counts everything including participation and attendance that is not necessarily benefit you: the section website: my grading rubric, and gender are related to each other, and I'll send you your grade at the third paragraph of the text and/or language that intimidate or negatively impact your paper topic. I've pointed to examples of where you phrase claims as superlatives instead of whenever the Registrar releases grades, explained somewhat in the class and the median grade was 88. Remember that next week! At the same arrangement or dramatic performance to do this, let me know if you cannot recite the poem by noon this Wednesday the original. There have been pushed even further is to engage in micro-level interpretations of the female, the Thief, His Wife, and to push your argument as you can get the group-generated review we developed tonight, a copy of your readings is worthwhile, because this is not a circulating, coin. I don't mean to suggest that Dexter is an emotional payoff and a good weekend, and I genuinely hope that you should definitely be there on time if you have a pretty amazing group of graduate students who wanted classes for which I scribble notes about things like this in my office hours, and should elucidate some aspect of the interpretive problems that I've gestured to in many ways—I also assign a/relative, competitive weighting factor of zero means that an A for the course edition. Other unforeseeable, catastrophic events that absolutely prevent you from reciting, obligates you to structure your discussion plans in advance of the guinea actually fluctuated a fair amount over its history, you automatically receive a grade somewhere in the west have become more specific about what your priorities are if you already sent it quite good. It may be that sitting down and writing a report. More, you did a remarkably good job of leading the group while valorizing their input and meeting them at their level of deviousness, intelligence, or Aristotelian virtue, or Synge or O'Casey, both of you remember that sometimes your section to advance your central claim. I grade your paper grade. I'll see you before the paper's relevance to contemporary Irish authors contains poems that do interest you can point to the text than to worry about not having a meaningful way. Because the only thing preventing you from reciting, obligates you to be prompted twice, but I don't think it's a reflective piece and your sense of what you want to examine the assumptions that you recite because a her experience of a third of a pound into 240 pence. Just a quick search. Your performance was thoughtful showed that you should definitely be there on time if it's necessary to make your paper grade. Lust generally involves invoking one or more implicit assertions to support it. The new absolute theoretical maximum score for the final and am happy to discuss whether he thinks it's an essential element from the in-lecture boost; yes, that's quite likely to do well in many ways, anyway. Like I say in here. There are other good ways to go that route. Have a good move on your grade up, and I think that there are 5 people going, and that asking a bit more gracefully. Recitation assignment requirements, explaining how this is conjectural, but an issue of not understanding what's involved, but merely that there are some reported problems right now the single-day the struggle. I'm sorry to take whatever is available online, for the weekend is over and over the quarter by as much as it could be a woman he has not removed the price tag from his angry moustache to Mr Power's mild face and said so at this point, but you are setting a positive thing, and wanted to change as the major thematic issues of the twentieth century. Which is bad. These notes are not normally an acceptable excuse for late work. A paper goes beyond the interpretations articulated in conjunction with a fresh eye and asking yourself what your exact point of analysis. You did a very small-scale details of the most positive light possible—paying attention to the fine points of confusion or ambiguity to bring your luggage during section the week of Thanksgiving. Because she really wanted to hear input from you, with macro-and carrot-related issues, I certainly understand from personal experience that should be more specific about where you found it on the section Twitter account in a nutshell, is to provide the largest overall benefit to the connections between Ulysses and use introductory and closing phrases to glance back at a very good job on future papers. Grading Rubric for Analytical Papers I expect or want you to follow up a fair number of points 1 and one smart move not only lucid but thoughtful and focused, but most of the group. Again, thank you for a job well done overall. Awesome, thanks! That's fine just let me know. Again, thank you for putting so much ground that it's likely it is or is not something that matters deeply and personally, and so this is a fascinating topic that is causing you stress, then you can make it pay off for you—I've pointed to in my cubicle, doesn't have, I think that one thing that's holding your sophisticated set of ideas in here. Again, I think. The sample paper available from the recitation assignment or the MLA format? This is not fantastic, but perhaps one of these criteria: a they were in classes that satisfy the requirement at this point would be do reduce the number of bonus points you get behind. And yes, that's quite comprehensive. None of these is that you should look at. Your sense of a text, though some luxury goods have their price quoted in guineas. Again, you may find that thesis, when you make the registration switch through GOLD. I think that there is a fairly long period of sometime surrealist Joan Miró, who is Godot? If you were sensitive to the aspects of your finals and activities! What I suspect that what would be happy to have a wonderful delivery. This use is perhaps not easy, but I don't want the section website. If you get up to your query, but if you do not check my email one message at a coffee shop reading and thinking skills here, based entirely upon attendance I won't post them tomorrow night I'll bring for you sometimes it's helpful! I felt like you were my student, and then ask them to avoid this would have helped to avoid specificity, and the Stars How would you prefer. Well done on this. You're presenting together but will absolutely respond to the on line 12; and/or abuse is a motivated decision; they open up discussions on their behalf in my office hours due to the zombies, who harangues Bloom and other patrons of a guinea's value 1. In particular, a professor in our backgrounds. If not, because the implications of the quarter, and seemed to warm up. I am not qualified to advise you on Tuesday night, it may be one way to do is to have a complex and, Godot from Lucky's speech to the aspects of the play as a sifting screen that lets you make about how to deliver the poem and its background. But I think you're capable of doing an amazing job. Again, I think that it is more likely to pay off for you. Each of you had in your life this quarter! If people stop talking, fall back on his mother crying in response to several questions about those differences, exactly, by sounds of words. Hello, everyone, but regularly advancing the group's discourse during the last day, then digging in to what specific structure you should be engaging in a nutshell, is Molly in an excellent delivery, and he got the lowest score of all of part one for him to accept the offer, you did so effectively. Hi!

I fully believe that the best way to do with it it's also OK to look for points that you've set yourself up to the deadline and didn't turn in your outline. I think that one of these ways. I think that there will only be minimal changes later tonight, expanded and based on Yeats's poetry may tie into developments in a way that is not an acting class, and I'll get you the final. Of course! You've been punctual this quarter I told him that not doing so. Great! What, ultimately, is not the low end of your thoughts have developed substantially since you gave a very solid aspects of your readings, and to interrogate your own complex and admirable ideas in here, and you related it effectively to larger-scale themes to specific claims of entitlement. He admitted that he did his recitation; said I don't think that it was a pleasure to see the outline for here is a particularly good selection, in my 6 p. I'm signaling that he is going on in her life where learning to do this late tonight, just as people who are sterile or electively childless, those who haven't yet read that part of the most famous parts of The Covey 6 p.

#Irish literature #automatically generated text #Patrick Mooney #Python #Markov chains

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eponymous-rose · 8 years ago

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Talks Machina Highlights - Grog’s One Shot

Guests are Liam O’Brien, Sam Riegel, and Taliesin Jaffe. Full video on Project Alpha.

Artbooks can be preordered starting Thursday!

Marisha’s running a game of Honey Heist next week for Liam, Sam, Taliesin, Brian, and Matt.

Wrap-up Vox Machina campaign episode of Talks is going to be December 14 in the Critical Role time slot. There will be blocks of question submissions covering significant story-arc blocks of the campaign (1-23, 24-38, 39-83, 84-99, and so on, with new blocks each week). Much of it will of course be the cast asking each other and Matt questions.

@critrolestats for the one-shot: Vax’s 36 on acrobatics is the highest roll in the series to fail a check. Grog used 11 different creatures from the Monster Manual, which is the highest number for a single episode.

Travis almost pitted Vax against a flumph.

Final Xylophone Player totals---Vax: 10, Vex: 100, Scanlan: 300, Percy: 650.

Taliesin and Liam were expecting Grog to be a crueler DM (especially to Vax). Taliesin: “I think he panicked a little bit. He was too distracted by the actual game to destroy us.”

Taliesin figured Percy would know how to play D&D, Sam just kind of went with it, but Liam tried to commit to Vax just not knowing what was happening, which was tricky given how many layers of things were going on.

Everyone already misses playing these characters. Taliesin: “Oh my god, it felt so good, it feels so weird not to do it anymore.”

Liam on his decision to have Vax not know how to play: “Vax is not a big reader.”

The meta-“Scanlan” character voice was a spur-of-the-moment thing (Sam has some regrets about the choice of voice). He thought that Scanlan, as a performer, would probably go all-in. Brian: “What was that supposed to be? Was that Timothy Dalton with laryngitis?”

Everyone on the show has an Ashley Johnson impression. Some are more accurate than others.

What’s Sam’s beef with Trinket? Sam has teasingly been telling Laura for years that he’s useless, and he’s badly wanted something to happen for Trinket, “either a glorious end or Trinket proves himself or gets transformed into something else, but no, Trinket just sort of coasts on this limbo of he can’t die but he also can’t live.”

Sam legitimately didn’t know that Trinket is effectively death-proof with the necklace.

Liam carefully packed up his boxes of minis for Travis and yet Travis used a pepper shaker, a plush unicorn, and a t-rex figure. He can separate his amazement and appreciation at Travis’s ingenuity at bringing out the plushie from his frustration that he didn’t even use a dog figure for the dog.

Percy had a really complicated and effective strategy in mind to kill Scanlan if it came down to it.

Travis’s Trinket was Sam’s biggest laugh on the show.

Items that never got used: Percy was hanging onto the refined residuum because he was thinking of trying to enchant one of the guns with it and use it as a flint. Scanlan had a scroll of fire giant strength and some drow poison. “What were you waiting for?” “I was waiting for a door that needed to be put down.”

Matt’s rule for Taryon Darrington was that he wasn’t allowed to offload any of his starting items to the others when he left, so Sam had to have him buy the love potion over the course of his activity in his game so he could actually give it away, having “earned” it.

Percy’s first character was a wizard named Aaron who died in a TPK at level eight. The other players probably started a new game without him.

If they hadn’t been playing themselves, Percy would’ve been a wizard (and a bit of a min-maxer), Scanlan would’ve been an orc fighter, Vax would’ve been a barbarian.

Liam’s favorite mini is his demogorgon.

Sam realizes that Scanlan has never done a battle royale. The level 20 battle royale could be interesting... Taliesin: “I have a Batman-style file of how to take you out.”

Percy was able to use Thunderwave thanks to the cincture (new item).

Asked how to keep the energy level up: it helps to be surrounded by funny people.

Sam prints off the jokes for the bottom of his mug at work. The studio manager will sometimes find them in the printer and track him down to ask if they’re his.

Talks Machina After Dark-ina On Alph-ina:

Taliesin successfully rolls for hosting, much to his chagrin.

In his one-shot, Taliesin got out earlier and had been up to some bad stuff---most of the weird things happening in the office were his fault. He was being grilled for information.

The concept of Talks Machina fans who’ve never watched Critical Role is introduced. It’s just a very ironic experimental show.

Which Matt NPC did they want to play with? Taliesin: Gilmore. Liam: Clarota. The camera gets a little wild, briefly interrupting the question (and the show). Liam: “Clarota has speed run every Mega Man game that there is.” Victor and Kima are also brought up.

Percy’s plan to take out Scanlan is brought up again. Percy had a plan to track Scanlan down, kill him (or at least knock him out and take all his stuff), and walk away. Vex talked him down from it. He will elaborate in the campaign-end Talks Machina. He thought Scanlan was too irresponsible to handle that kind of stuff, although in coming to that conclusion he was definitely compartmentalizing some of his own actions along those lines. There’s no projection going on at all, Taliesin assures the camera. No projection at all. Not even a little bit.

Scariest going-to-the-dark-side character? Percy (whole city at his disposal) would be a lot, but Keyleth is absurdly powerful (lots of resources at her disposal, beast shape every turn).

#critical role #critical role spoilers #talks machina #talks machina spoilers #long text post

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allenmendezsr · 4 years ago

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Cannabis Coach Quit Smoking Marijuana Audio Program

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From the desk of The Cannabis Coach: Date:

Dear Smoker,

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