#ouiser.txt

[swordbisexual]

“Remember the source material” and “I infer this specific headcanon, source cited: my boner” are statements that can and should coexist.

[swordbisexual]

Not now chief I gotta daydream about that sad man wretchedly obsessed with that off-putting woman.

[swordbisexual]

(I mean I’m also like. Stretched thin and constantly teetering on the edge of everything sorta collapsing in on itself by virtue of my real life responsibilities pulling me every which way all of the time and this is one of my few decompression spaces and I’m trying to navigate how to keep it that way without worrying about whether I’m being a model fandom member. I’m so tired. Can a bitch please get a break.)

[swordbisexual]

I will always be proud of my kid but when he puts on a documentary series about shipwrecks and pauses it to infodump to me I gotta say that’s a top five moment right there.

[swordbisexual]

If I take my commission money and use it on a Cameo of Chris Tester reading Yeats’ “Aedh Wishes For The Cloths Of Heaven” then that’s my business! Leave me alone!

[swordbisexual]

I’ve posted and deleted enough times this afternoon that it’s like ohhhhh yeah ok this is another bad mental health time looming. And again. My mental health hasn’t tanked to such dogshit levels before I got into RT fandom.

I’m glad people are having the conversations that needed to happen. I’m glad to have heard from enough people to help me feel like I wasn’t going crazy. I’m glad for the friends I have and the friends yet to be found.

Just remember: it’s more important to be kind. Nice you can fake. Kindness runs deep. I might not sugarcoat everything, but you’ll always know where you stand with me, and I’ll always do my best to be kind and give grace.

[swordbisexual]

Anyway I thought too hard about Heinrix and Enid having slow missionary sex and have to go lie down now.

[swordbisexual]

Steam Deck is supposed to arrive today and I am vibrating with excitement about it even though I know I’ll need to let the bitch charge before I can use it.

[swordbisexual]

Hey. I just want to say. Y’all are wonderful delightful people and I’m so grateful for everyone who shows up to catch me when I step on a rake and smack myself on the head with my bad feelings. I hope I can do the same in return, because damn I’m one lucky son of a bitch.

[swordbisexual]

Woke up and promptly clocked in at the horny factory, it's going to be a day my dudes.

[swordbisexual]

“Ugh why don’t I, a full time working mother, have more time and energy to write fic,” I ask as I collapse on the couch with brain empty.

[swordbisexual]

Buying NA beer because that’s where I’m at in my life I guess.

[swordbisexual]

“Why do I feel a deep soul crushing loneliness” I ask myself as I engage in more alienating and isolating behaviors

[swordbisexual]

The depression is winning again and I don't care for it.

[swordbisexual]

I would say we need to kill the idea of the BNF but that’s just because I, personally, start feeling my skeleton try to claw its way out of my body anytime someone even hints at calling me a big deal of any kind.

(I swear this isn’t ego running rampant, this is me acknowledging that I speak very confidently about my opinions for better or for worse. Also the last person to literally call me a BNF is still creeping on me four years later so like. 🙃 Maybe we should get rid of the idea.)

[swordbisexual]

Made an egg and cheese bagel sandwich with tomato and scallions for breakfast. Quick pickled some carrots and radish for the fridge. Have a good assortment of snacks for pool time later. It’s a very exciting day for me.