#pikachu's chaotic recaps

[chaos0pikachu]

why did nobody tell me Kiseki Dear to Me went so hard??

Lemme break down the first 2 mins of episode one where a twink & a twunk walk out of prison and you know it's prison b/c the twinks hair needed some conditioner STAT and then rolls up this boss sports car out pops this gang looking dude with That Undercut Haircut and Thee Eyebrows that anyone who's watched History Trapped or Kinnposche knows what I'm talking about, tosses the Twink over his shoulder like a feral murder kitten and then we're whooshing to a flashback where 17 yr old twunk goes to pick up a quarter like any well respecting poor does (get that money!) when some feral but ridiculous hot dude covered in blood from the tumblr sonnets grabs his arm and Twunk is just channeling the Mariah Carey.I Don't Know Her.gif and Bloody Hot Dude is like here baby take my knife oop now you're implicated in my murder!! and has to take home this bloodied jean jacket 90s levi's commercial man to his house like being broke ain't hard enough

and then!! and then the episode ends with one of the hottest men in gang tv slitting a dude's throat while deep throating a lollipop I am ENTHRALLED

[wanderingnork]

2024 Horror Movie Recap

So last year I watched 52 horror movies in 52 weeks. This year, I said, I would not be such a tryhard. I would be reasonable! I wouldn't watch that many horror movies!

Aaaaaand insert the shocked Pikachu face when I counted it up and discovered I watched no fewer than 35 horror movies I'd never seen before.

I'm usually VERY behind the times so the number of completely new releases I saw this year surprised me. From 2024, it was Late Night With the Devil, Stopmotion, Alien: Romulus, Smile 2, The Watchers, and VHS Beyond. The oldest movie I saw this year was Rebecca from 1940, with Matango from 1963 coming in second.

With horror movies this year, I had a goal: to watch with more generous eyes. Rather than focusing on the flaws, I focused on what movies did well. Things that stood out. And that was really an amazing experience, because it meant that I enjoyed even movies as simply meh as Amish Witches or The Dinosaur Project. There was always something to appreciate.

That said, some were definitely better than others. Here (in ascending order) are my top ten horror movies I've seen this year.

10. Attack of the Killer Donuts: This was just so ridiculous and over the top and chaotic that I have to include it on this list. It's not good by any means, but the killer donuts are some of my favorite little beasties from any horror movie and it was a thoroughly fun time.

9. V/H/S/Beyond, "Dream Girl": Have to give this short a special shout-out for the absolute chaos and carnage. Never thought I'd see a Bollywood musical number in a horror movie, but here we are. The leading lady was clearly having the time of her life and I very much enjoyed that.

8. Face (2004): This was the first horror movie I watched this year and it set a nice bar. More of a murder mystery in many places than a horror movie (although, considering, aren't all murder mysteries really horror stories at heart?), but when the horror happens it REALLY happens. It was a very pretty movie, too, a treat for the eyes, with a surprisingly good melancholic love story. I've learned I prefer slow burn horror stories like this, so it was to my personal taste.

7. Matango (1963): Also known as "Attack of the Mushroom People," this is a VERY solid adaptation of "The Voice in the Night" by William Hope Hodgson. It has the pacing of a 1963 movie, so to a modern viewer it can feel like it occasionally loses steam and lacks tension. But the Mushroom People themselves, in all their rubber-suit glory, are so fucking worth the wait.

6. Happy Death Day: I'm so sad I kept blowing this one off! I decided to watch it for my birthday and had just the best time. It was such a clever, funny, twisted movie. Didn't rate it higher because, at the end of the day, it was genuinely more of a murder mystery featuring a time loop than anything else! The first murder is a very traditional slasher kill, but after that there's not a lot of gore or dread.

5. Bone Tomahawk: The use of SOUND in this movie is one of my favorites maybe ever. There's almost no soundtrack. Except when the camera gives us a long shot of the desert landscape, when we get hauntingly beautiful music. Listen to the track "One Man Walks" and you'll see what I mean. I have a lot of thoughts on Bone Tomahawk that I'm still putting together, but...yeah. I was haunted by this movie watching it and have been thinking about it since.

4. Willy's Wonderland: As a janitor...that's just how the job goes. Show up, clean up a mess, fight off a horrifying monstrosity, clean up that mess, take your legally-required break, have a cage match with another horrifying monstrosity, clean up THAT mess, go home. In all seriousness though, I loved watching Nic Cage be just completely feral without saying a single word and fighting some very fun possessed animatronics. Give me more unhinged, colorful, unrestrained horror!

3. Stopmotion: I watched this one in a rather unhinged way. I was crashing at some friends' house on an air mattress, alone in a dark room. Decided to watch a horror movie on my phone and instead of something comforting and familiar, I chose THIS. It hit real hard watching it with my headphones on so I could hear every tiny icky sound and had to have the phone right up to my face to see the details on the stop-motion figures. I just about astral projected from sheer horror during one sequence.

2. Late Night With the Devil: An absolute blast of a movie that I'm so pleased I saw in theaters. Strong acting, great style, felt like I was watching a rerun of an old talk show. Lost out on the top spot for two reasons: one, the AI art title cards which were just in bad taste, and two, it's a beat for beat plot clone of Ghostwatch from 1992. Different monster, different characters, once I realized the similarities I predicted the end of the movie by halfway through.

1. Smile 2: This just fucking blew me away. It is no secret I did not like Smile 1, for a whole pile of reasons. But Smile 2? DAMN. From the incredible music to the surreal and twisting plot, from the phenomenal costumes to the practical effects on the monster and gore, I was just enthralled. And I, unlike many, was quite pleased about the downer ending. It was only fitting! I walked out of the theater with a very big smile indeed.

So there you go. My favorite horror movies I saw this year. Looking forward to what new terrors on the silver screen I'll discover in 2025.

[dtrhwithalex]

TV | Loki (104)

104: THE NEXUS EVENT

D: KATE HERRON. W: ERIC MARTIN. Original Air Date: 30 June 2021.

Non-spoiler-free recap and review of the fourth episode of LOKI, which airs every Wednesday on Disney+.

RECAP

As Loki and Sylvie watch the world around them slowly but surely fall into complete destruction and collapse, the TVA is scrambling to locate the two and recapture them. Ravonna Renslayer especially is desperate to have the two variants located, being put under pressure by the Time Keepers. It is also revealed that is was Renslayer herself who was the one to pluck Sylvie from the time line and declare her a variant -- when Sylvie was merely a child, still on Asgard. It is also from Renslayer that Sylvie subsequently escapes and, as she reveals to Loki, has been on the run and in hiding ever since, growing up in apocalypses which were the only place her mere presence did not cause any nexus events.

Sharing a heartfelt moment as Sylvie recounts her life, she and Loki create enough chaos to spark a nexus event even within an ongoing apocalypse, allowing the TVA to locate and recapture them. Once captured, they are separated, with Renslayer forbidding anyone to interrogate Sylvie, while Mobius has Loki thrown in a time-loop -- where he is repeatedly threatened and beaten by LADY SIF (JAIMIE ALEXANDER) in a memory from Loki's earlier life on Asgard, where he as a joke cut off Sif's hair. After finally admitting that he played jokes out of loneliness and a desperate need for attention, Mobius retrieves Loki from the time-loop and takes him back to one of the TVA's interrogation rooms.

Loki tries to make Mobius understand that everything about the TVA is a lie -- as Sylvie has told him -- but Mobius does not trust him. He baits him into revealing what caused the nexus event on Lamentis-1 by telling him Sylvie has been disintegrated, and gets Loki to admit that he cares for her. Accusing him of such narcissism that he fell in love with himself, Mobius closes the case and has Loki returned to the time-loop.

Despite his distrust in Loki, Mobius questions Renslayer about what had happened to C-20 and her intentions behind not letting him talk to Sylvie, and eventually steals her TemPad to investigate the matter further. He learns that C-20 confirmed what Loki had tried to tell him: everyone at the TVA is a Variant, plucked from the timeline and brainwashed to serve the Time Keepers. Returning to Loki's time-loop he admits that Loki was right and wants to help him, but they are quickly found out by Renslayer, and she disintegrates Mobius.

Meanwhile, Hunter B-15, despite Renslayer's orders, went to see Sylvie and took her back to the apocalypse they had found her in. Questioning her about her powers, B-15 reveals that she, too, had been having memories of another life since Sylvie had controlled her. Sylvie shows her the memories again, effectively gaining B-15 as an ally.

Following the disintegration of Mobius, Renslayer takes Loki and Sylvie to see the Time Keepers who wish to witness their destruction. However, once in their chambers, Loki and Sylvie are freed from their constraints by B-15 and a fight between them and the TVA ensue. Gaining the advantage, Loki and Sylvie eventually find themselves free of any enemies, and Sylvie attacks one of the Time Keepers with her sword. The Time Keeper is beheaded and, as the head falls to their feet, Loki and Sylvie realise that these three beings are merely robotic avatars and not the real Time Keepers.

Without any way to destroy the Time Keepers and the TVA, Sylvie is lost. Loki, reminiscent of their moment on Lamentis-1 and Mobius' accusation of romantic feelings between the two, tries to communicate to Sylvie whatever it is he is feeling, but before he can make her understand, he is disintegrated by Renslayer who turns out to be alive, still.

The mid-credit scene reveals that Loki did, in fact, not die, but finds himself in another realm where he is greeted by various other incarnations of himself. Prominently among them: CLASSIC LOKI (RICHARD E. GRANT), KID LOKI (JACK VEAL), and BOASTFUL LOKI (DEOBIA OPAREI).

FAVOURITE MOMENTS

Loki is back in Mobius' presence and we are immediately back to bantering like an old married couple and I very much appreciated that. These two have such a lovely dynamic, I adore it. Never thought I would say that, but I really do. I love Owen Wilson in this role very much and he and Tom have such great chemistry.

I also really liked Hunter B-15 taking Sylvie back to the apocalypse they had found her in, and asks her about C-20 and the memories the both of them have lived while Sylvie controlled them. Her chocked back sob and then the "I looked happy" was just so nicely done. I was very happy to see that B-15 was immediately ready to team up with Sylvie and drop the TVA at a moment's notice.

The same goes for Mobius. I loved that, despite Loki's betrayal and the fact that he was so set in not wanting to trust him again, Mobius still couldn't shake the feeling that Loki's comment was more than just a quip and went to investigate. He is not just a mindless follower of orders and I love that very much about him.

FAVOURITE CHARACTER(S)

My main man Loki, always and forever. I adore this version of Loki so much. He is so much fun! I love that we get this actually, truly mischievous Loki, this chaotic mess. He isn't brooding and full of evil plans. No! He wants shenanigans and fun. I love it. And I love that we get to see more of his vulnerable side too.

But also, Mobius! My man! He's back!!! If this man doesn't get to ride a jet ski at least once I will be very upset. I will also be very upset if he is actually gone now. (Cannot believe I am saying this about an Owen Wilson character. This is new. Good on you, Owen, good on you.)

QUESTIONS, CURIOSITIES

Less a question and more a demand: if the mid-credit scene means Loki exists somewhere after being disintegrated, Mobius better be alive somewhere. I want that lad back, whole and in one piece. You hear me, Marvel? Otherwise you might have yourself another CoulsonLives on your hand, you just watch.

I've already seen a bunch of reactions to the whole Loki/Sylvie thing and most either go with happily shipping along, or being very against this concept out of some sort of incestuous concerns. And I feel like, am I the only one who watched that scene as neither romantic nor incestuous as such, but more as Loki being very confused?

Apart from Frigga, and possibly, to some degree and especially earlier in life, the brotherly love of Thor, I don't think Loki has ever felt love. And for the first time there is someone who not just understands him completely, but also accepts him exactly as he is. Especially following their conversation about love in 103, I think what was between Sylvie and Loki on Lamentis-1 that caused the nexus event, and makes Mobius accuse Loki of being in love with her, is not a romantic sense of love, but in a way a certain self-acceptance?

I'm sure Loki has some kinds of feelings but he doesn't know what they are or how to categorise them. And he is very confused about liking Sylvie and caring that she is alright. But I don't think he would have understood it as romantic love without Mobius' accusation of it. I don't think it's narcissism either. What I saw, was a glimmer of Loki realising that he can love himself, he can accept himself. If Sylvie, who is him, understands and accepts him, then so can he. But yeah, I'm curious to see where they're gonna go with this, certainly.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Generally, this episode was absolutely amazing. Every week I keep finding myself becoming the shocked Pikachu meme while watching the episode, but this week especially. I can't wait to see what next week brings, and I hope very much that we find out Mobius is, in fact, still alive somewhere.

[still image taken from the episode's imdb page]

[chaos0pikachu]

word of honor is a comfort show specifically for scenes like when Cheng Ling the accidently adopted child of two mass murderers gets kidnapped by Soft Butch Assassin and her girlfriend High Femme Assassin for a piece of the glazed donut when Zhou Zi Shu shows up like "UNHAND MY CHILD!!" And CL is all "omg I'm your son 🥺🥺" and ZZS is like "I suddenly can't read I don't know mariah carey.gif" meanwhile our lesbian assassins are like "god people have no respect for torture time anymore" and they all have a swirly twirly fight b/c everyone is dressed to the NINES b/c if you're gonna be a murderer in a wuxia show you are also gonna look PEAK FABULOUS thank you very fucking much and then ZZS is like "oh no my nipple nails of cancer are acting up" and whenever his nipples are aching who shows up but Wen Ke Xing busting through the door like the koolaid man with the energy of a queen lip syncing for her life on Rupaul all "HOW DARE YOU HARM MY HUSBAND AND OUR CHILD" and ZZS is like "he's not our child!!" and another swirly twirly fight happens and the lesbians dip so our marital arts family chases them outside only to be confronted by ZOMBIES or crackheads whichever and WKX is like "husband, take our child and run" and ZZS is obviously not gonna do that cause like both a feral cat & a millennial he's always Down to Fight and also lacks general self-preservation so WKX is like "dying alongside you is also a beautiful way to die" meanwhile CL in the back wondering if they could all just not die like he didn't stick a piece of the glazed donut in his stomach and hang out with his boring, beige, busted uncles for 2 weeks just get eaten train to busan style the fuck

and then Scorpion King (not the rock) floats down from the sky in slow mo like a Jrock act floating down onto the stage playing his little guitar like "HELLOOOOOOOO ANCIENT CHINA!! HOW WE FEELING TONIGHT?" and ZZS is like "not a fucking band kid" so he throws smoke bombs naruto style and they all dip

and in the end of all~~~ of this CL is like "so I'm your son right?" and ZZS is like, "fuck it, fine" and signs the adoption papers while wwx is like planning an autumn wedding

[chaos0pikachu]

one of my other favorite scenes in kinnporsche is ep14 at the 22:01 after the montage of everyone prepping for the Hot Dude Summer Mafia War and Gun pulls up in like a bently or some shit and walks out in fucking BOAT SHORTS with his god damn ascot while Vegas is wearing his sexiest animal print/suit combo and Daddy Chan walks out, like no rush no fuss he's working that New York.gif-I-know-his-dick-big-I-know-it-oh-my-heart walk hands in his pockets b/c this bitch is wearing boat shorts like he's going to one of Leo DiCaprio's yacht parties later and Gun is all "heard my brother who I totally loved and had no ill feelings for towards at all has died" and Daddy Chan is like "how'd you find out we didn't send you a letter" and Vegas is like "look here bitch" and Daddy Chan gives him a look like "Don't make me name drop the name of your dead hedgehog" then the camera does a dramatic close in pan of Gun's face after he pulls out his gun so you get all the fine details of his fucking ugly ass ascot and untrimmed goatee not realizing Daddy Chan's dick gun is bigger and Daddy Chan is like "I won't hesitate bitch" and then BAM GUN MATRIX LEVEL GUN FIGHT NO ON CAN AIM BULLETS FLYING EVERYWHERE BREAKING MARBLE STATUES WHICH ISN'T HOW BULLETS WORK AND NO ONE IS HOLDING THEIR GUNS CORRECTLY AND BITCHES BE DROPPING LIKE IT'S HOT LEFT AND RIGHT Gun gives Vegas some automatic and is like "it's your time son (that I've abused horrifically for years)" and Vegas' cheekbones are like "Papa is validating me" meanwhile Daddy Chan is taking out badly dressed goons channeling his inner John Wick looking sexy as fuck when Gun shoots him and Daddy Chan is like "I can't believe a bitch in boat shorts got me" calls up Kinn to be like "your uncle is in the building with a gun wearing boat shorts my bad" and takes out one last cigarette to give the girlies and gays one Final Sexy Daddy Moment before dying

[chaos0pikachu]

nah okay, one of the best top-tier kinnporsche scenes is undoubtedly when Chay got his little gay baby heartbroken and instead of playing tear drops on his guitar like the other bl uni boys he went full on shojo heroine and dyed his hair fucking blueberry blue, snagged an off the rack sleeveless t-shirt, went out with his apparent friend group to hit up a dank busted club, choked down two glasses of lower shelf fireball and then as he's living his best-worst dancing on my own by robyn life and some rando is like hey babygirl lemme whisper in yo ear and tries to give him some off-brand ecstasy that looked more like those dissolvable tablets your parents fed you when you were 11 and tasted like ass paper when

BAM IN COMES KIM WITH THE STEEL CHAIR!! giving off "only I can call chay babygirl and my rights were revoked so your ass DEF can't call him that" energy and smacking away the discount walmart drugs pulling chay away by his goodwill tank top and Rando is like "hey I was shooting my shot!" and kim knocks that man on his ASS with the most emotion he's had the whole show bug eyed and clenched jaw like he was gonna rip old dudes throat out with his teeth pointing his finger at him like "DARE said no drugs!" while Chay's other friends in the back are like "BEYONCE???" (new york voice) b/c kim montana just kidnapped chay and almost dog walked their other friend in the middle of the club

[chaos0pikachu]

okay so if I don't talk about the kinnporsche side story I will literally combust b/c they didn't need to give us that they didn't NEED to give us this little youtube up short that spanned the spectrum of chaotic human emotion as a stop gap between one of the best episodes of the series and the hyper escalation to flowers in the attic-ville where the lamps have chains okay but they did and bless them for it cause like

first off you have porsche who's given up his chance at something of a normal life with his sunshine kitten of a baby brother walking around the hospital ass out b/c KINN GOT SHOT FOR HIM like fucking what porsche is like welp he's earned that bussy now and tankhun is like OMG MY BABY BROTHER IS DEAD crying in Arm's arms and porsche is like OMG KINN DIED and tankhun is like no you dumb pretty bitch he's dead to me spiritally for being an in love idiot but porsche is already half way down the hall heart pounding b/c his self sacrificing big dicked mafia daddy just bit it only to then see kinn is alive and breathing if moderately a pin cushion only to

THEN be confronted by Vegas wearing this summers best Second Lead in a K-Drama Couture look flowers at the ready like omg porsche I am but a sweet and loving man, holding out flowers, hoping another man, will love me back did you know these mean longing? friendship? unrequited love?? and porsche is like, wtf who's giving flowers meaning seems like a waste of time and money to me rich ppl are so weird meanwhile kinn's "someone's after porsche's baked booty" senses start tingling waking him up from the morphine b/c drugs will NOT keep him away from his man and is like "vegas you whore" and vegas is like "kinn your alive (derogatory)" and kinn's like "take back your fake ass cheap ass dollar store flowers" and vegas is like "see porsche, see what I go through? the hardships that are my life??" and it's just elevator music in porsche's head just full on disassociation at this point b/c why are all these hot dangerous men hitting on him all the time he's just trying to make a living out here

and then kinn's like I got shot cuddle me pls and porsche is like only b/c I don't want the ghosts to eat my ass and kinn is like me either cause that's my job and they cuddle while the music swells and that video has 6.5 MILLION VIEWS EVERY ONE EARNED

[chaos0pikachu]

"so what is word of honor about"

chepie I don't fucking know, like legit I could not tell you what the Actual Plot as intended is something about a glazed donut that got the whole sword society in a tizzy b/c some dead dude a decade ago tweaked out from mercury poisoning and all his secrets were kept in the burn book locked away in elsa's frozen palace.

the bits that anyone actually cares about are two bottom-4-bottom retired villains, one an ex assassin with martial arts cancer and 8 nipples who wants to drink and die in peace, the other one of the most dramatic men you will ever meet who sprouts corny ass poetry and lines with negative shame cause why be ashamed baby we all die sometime and they become soulmates [censored] raise 3 kids together until one of their ex's comes back for a 2 episode sub plot like a mid-season love interest in a sitcom that got kicked off the show quick b/c everyone hated their ass and then the sword society shows back up b/c the prettiest assassin you will ever meet with the biggest daddy issues you will ever see didn't listen to his fucking lesbian girl gang and drop his broke ass daddy who never ONCE complimented his banging eye makeup and hair decided to Make Plot Shit Happen b/c it's like episode 34 and we gotta wrap! this! shit! up! and then someone sneezes so the show reenacts the scene where Mulan took out the Huns and then our bottom retired villain husbands get to ACTUALLY fucking retire and one of them gets a new sesshomaru wig and it's glorious

[chaos0pikachu]

I don't care that Love in the Air had numerous sound problems and spent all their budget on (1) drone and hair ties for Payu when it has one of my all time favorite friend scenes in any BL where Sky platonically doms Rain in the middle of the day in the middle of fucking class in front of their friends, teachers, and the holy spirit for giving up his phone number to the hot rich asshole (Prapai) that Sky had a secret one night stand with where he broke Prapai's brain by riding the dick so well Megan Thee Stallion would clap in praise hallelujah making Prapai seek out Payu and Rain for Sky's phone number and by that point Rain is completely dicked down bad he's studying the scripture, he's setting up a pop up store, he's committed to being the best bratty bottom he can be and damnit Rain knows it's bros before hos except Rain wants to be the ho here and now he's in a dilemma!!! Dick or his bff's phone number and Rain read his options with his pussy okay???

so now Sky's got Rain on his knees, hands up hold up begging for forgiveness while their classmates are like, just another day of Sky domming Rain in public while we all rack up debt and draw our little houses and Rain's outright begging, & pleading & pouting with his baby doll eyes trying to channel e-girl sugar baby energy and Sky's like bugs bunny no.png and makes Rain sit there for another 30mins at penance cause he's been brat taming Rain since before Payu even spotted that pout he's a pro

who out here is doing it like them I ask you

[chaos0pikachu]

I never thought mutual handjobs in a public bathroom at your evil hobbit cousins crack deal after party while your twunk bodyguards stand by the open ass door trying not to listen in with bonus green mood lighting could be romantic but kinnporsche really proved me wrong

[chaos0pikachu]

I need to know whose idea it was for Inaki to straddle and hug Mackenyu during The Zolu Scene in ep06. Like was the director like "Inaki, I need you to play Luffy so overcome with joy and excitement that he can't help but jump on top of Zoro in that moment" or was Inaki playing the scene straight and was like "nah this don't feel right I need to be on top of Zoro and snuggle his face" either way was Oda just in the background on set being like "idk it needs to feel like Zoro is declaring marriage vows but in a pirate way ya feel?"

[chaos0pikachu]

okay so like be real the most evil and hilarious shit korn did was also one of the best cliffhangers of the show like

porsche is out here trying to find out what happened to his parents leaving his big dick man behind while Kinn and Pete watch Porsche's peach ass drive off with Vegas and Kinn is hearing Olivia Rodrigo's Traitor in his head while Pete is internally going "man I let the worst men taze my balls and eat my ass out" then like Porsche's uncle gets shot in the head john wick style or whatever and other plot stuff happens then porsche shows up at Mr Rogers house like "I know your a fake ass bitch fess up" and Korn is like haha what if I pull a Darth Vader instead and is like "Porsche, I am your Uncle" and Porsche is like FUCKING WHAT??? and the audience is like FUCKING QUEEEE??? and THAT'S HOW THE EPISODE ENDED for a whole ass week everyone was like lol they wouldn't....right? and they didn't but Korn really let Porsche believe he was fucking his own cousin all over the twunk mafia mansion making the cleaning staff work overtime every god damn day for months for an entire ass minute only to go "LOL JK she was my foster sister" and then the following week you find out he kept her ass in the attic for two decades flowers in the attic style

top-fucking-tier show

[chaos0pikachu]

Chay's story is so fucking wild like; he starts off living out the ultimate y/n dreams wattpadd fantasy. he not only meets his bts idol crush the dude autographs Chay's shirt, then invites Chay to make music with him (not a euphemism this is the only PG part of the show), they hang out at Chay's house alone~~ they sing together, there's love confessions, Chay gets a kiss on the cheek, they freaking cuddle and then a month later Chay gets his skinny ass kidnapped learns his older brother mafia married Eyebrows Murder McGee, and his Idol Boyfriend is the the third son of the Godfather (sexy edition) only to have said Idol Mafia Boyfriend break up with him cruelly and then after dying his hair, and drinking down some walmart grade liquor his ex has the AUDACITY!! THE GUMPTION!!! to step to Chay's other wack ass potentials and text him??? HOW DARE??? The fuck kinda Olivia Rodrigo song is this shit who said you could text him Kimlor Swift??? So Chay goes, jokes on you I'm gen z bitch and I'm not shy about blocking your ass and after an attempted coup and Chay learning his dead mother is actually his alive mother who got a mild case of Flowers in the Attic his ex once again has the BRAVERY to youtube serenade him and Chay is staring out his window like "he's gonna have to work that pretty ass off for my forgiveness" (literal?)

[chaos0pikachu]

so I decided to rewatch National Treasure and I'd forgotten how absolutely unhinged this movie actually is

so we start with Ned Stark with Nicholas Cage and a Tech Twink traveling through polar bear park to find the 1st macguffin of the film which leads to Nic Cage figuring out "there's a MAP on the back of the Declaration of Independence!!" and the Tech Twink is the only one that's like "sounds fake but idk enough about history to say otherwise" Meanwhile Boromir is like "did I ever tell you I'm actually an international black market criminal?" and Nic Cage is like "YOU DID NOT???" so then Odysseus is like "if you don't help me steal the declaration of independence I will SHOOT the twink" and Nic Cage is like "don't shoot the twink!" and the Tech Twink is like "I would also like you to not shoot the twink" and then Nic Cage blows the macguffin ship and everybody escapes meanwhile the polar bears in the distance are like who the FUCK is blowing up our neighborhood???

back in the states and no we don't know how they got back that's the power of Nic Cage baby! And Nic Cage and Tech Twink tell the FBI and CIA and other gov stuff that are to busy destabilizing some other shit to care about these two losers telling them "no really the guy from Silent Hill and Percy Jackson is gonna steal the declaration of independence!!" and obviously no one believes them or cares so after all~~~~~~ of that shit Nic Cage decides fuck it and says one of the best lines in cinema history "I'm going to steal the Declaration of Independence." and the film treats this like a completely logical and nay even heroic thing

This is the first 25 minutes of the film.

[chaos0pikachu]

Charles really has some fucking audacity to blast into Magneto's mind setting him up with the hey honey remember that time we were at the bar, I was looking hella cute and we came out to each other? with that gay ass fuck me smirk from the mccoy slut era and then pulls out the speech of oh magnus we'd never abandon~~ each other like he didn't do just that for some cockatoo coochie playing hilary swank in freedom writers to his future bird flu in laws while magnus was back on earth fighting the UN, jan 6th rioters, dealing with a clones (these ain't even his kids!?) and going through a second genocide level event only to wake up to some pepto bismol motherfucker shaving him down and then stripping him down (why?? for the vibes???) strapping him up and playing purple people eater on repeat because Chat GPT thinks he's funny and Magnus is all "hug me all you want Charles this shit ain't working this time" so Charles is all like "cerebro play I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston" and Magnus melts like the down bad bitch he is and this is why mutants will never gain rights

[chaos0pikachu]

sometimes I think about xie wang from Word of Honor and I'm like baby, honey, chepito, you have like two lesbians who'd kill for you, and two bisexual women who had been burned by men in horrific ways who were all telling you during Hair Braiding Hours in between slitting throats and looking for the glazed donut that you 👏 deserve 👏👏 better 👏👏 you are pretty enough to get a new sugar daddy who doesn't got twinks - sorry, nephews~~~ - on the side like you're not even the main baby??? your smokey eye is to good for this, your fit is to tight for this, stop letting that man treat you like a grape jolly rancher and stand up!!!

and then he didn't listen and got eaten by snow mountain rip XW this is what happens when you don't listen to the lesbians