#problem being i got like shamed a while back so i've nothing to queue from my likes
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10 People I’d Like to Get to Know Better
The ever-wondrous Jamie @juniorpanachai tagged meee
LAST SONG: I'm in a Hurry (And Don't Know Why) by Alabama
FAVORITE COLOR: Green
LAST BOOK: I just finished The Tainted Cup by Robert Jackson Bennett, who is quite possibly my favourite author - none of his books have been a miss. I'm now bouncing between the biography of Peg Plunkett by Julie Peakman and The Honjin Murders by Seishi Yokomizo
LAST MOVIE/TV SHOW: I just spent most of a week rewatching House M.D. and Psych, so I guess those? I can't think of the last movie I watched. I should probably catch up on Top Form.
LAST THING I GOOGLED: Seishi Yokomizo to make sure I wasn't butchering his name lmao
LATEST OBSESSION: I'm in a bit of a fixation lull at the moment - weird funk of everything I touch turns to ash etc etc. I think the most consistent thing lately has been banana and peanut butter bagels and relistening to my comfort podcasts.
#got tagged!#my answers are very boring lmao#i'm killing the bloodline here bc Social Anxiety but if anyone wants to be tagged i will totally say i tagged u#i'm gonna go rb a bunch of stuff now so this isn't the top of my blog#problem being i got like shamed a while back so i've nothing to queue from my likes#womp womp i'll go into fandom tags wish me luck
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The Potions Master’s Apprentice
Chapter Thirteen: Outrageous Outbursts

A/N: This is the thirteenth part to my fanfiction ‘The Potions Master’s Apprentice (Severus Snape x OC)’. Chapters 1-16 can be found already uploaded on Wattpad under the same name. Feel free to leave requests in my inbox for anything Snape related you want me to write. Leave a comment below if you wish to be added to my tag list.
Pairing: Severus Snape x OC (Dumbledore’s Granddaughter)
Summary: A talented young witch is employed as an apprentice professor at Hogwarts, but who will she be working under? Severus Snape is not best pleased with his new responsibility of taking on an apprentice, however she is relentless to create a friendship between them. Will she be successful? Or might the friendship just go a little two far? With the eyes of her grandfather constantly watching over them, an attempt at a relationship might not be in the cards for Aria Dumbledore and Severus Snape.
Word Count: 3520
Warnings: swearing, slut shaming, moderate violence.
Credits to Gif Creator
Practically bursting through the doors of the three broomsticks Aria Dumbledore was very quickly greeted by Alexander who led her to a secluded table in the corner of the pub.
"Are you okay, you seemed stressed?" He laughed nervously, upon noticing the fact she was slightly sweating from her walk from the castle.
"I need a drink." She demanded simply, about to make her way to the bar.
"Sit. I'll get it for you, you look like you need a rest." He continued to laugh.
"Fire Whiskey. And make it double!" She shouted after him, to which he replied with a simple thumbs up.
Almost immediately after Alexander left, a pair of mischievous red headed boys bounced into sight, pulling a chair up to the table. Removing her head from her hands, Aria could only let out a long, hard sigh at the sight of them.
"What going on here then, teach." Fred questioned sceptically with the raise of an eyebrow. "Who's the lad?"
"A friend." Aria replied through gritted teeth, wishing they would just leave her alone. She had been stressed out enough today as it were.
"Mmmmhmmm." George hummed. "He's a pretty good-looking friend if you ask me, professor."
"And he chose a spot all the way in the back, pretty intimate don't you think?" Fred continued.
"Pretty romantic. wouldn't you agree, Freddie?" The Weasley boy nudged his brother.
"Very romantic." The second Weasley twin nodded in agreement.
"Listen this isn't appropriate, I'm your professor, you best be gone before he gets back." Aria warned, while the boys continued to heckle her.
"You're only a professor in training. Besides it isn't against any rules for you speak to us out with the castle grounds, you've got nothing to worry about." George pointed out.
"Unless it's us she's worried about, eh Georgie?" The two boys turned to glare at their potion's mistress, waiting for her to crack.
Groaning loudly, Aria knew she couldn't get rid of the boys as easily as she had hoped. "Look, it's not a date. It's just a few drinks with a friend, okay? And he deserves to be able to come back to me without the two of you causing trouble. So go on, scram."
"Alright, alright, we'll go." They obeyed.
"Just one last thing." Fred spoke slowly, turning back on his heel. "Speaking of nice guys deserving things, how's the love life going?"
She knew it was coming, there was no escaping it. But for her sake, she hoped the boys could be trusted enough to keep their mouths shut, at least until the end of the year when she would be forced to confront all her problems head on.
"He deserves to know, Aria. You have to say something soon."
"I know, I know." She whispered, bowing her head in shame. "I just need to figure things out for myself first. Please don't say anything about this."
The twins looked between them deliberating who their loyalties lay with. "If you promise it's not a date, we have no reason to." Fred stated.
"It's not, I promise." She said sincerely.
And with that the boys retreated to their table not too far away, still keeping a close eye on their professor.
Alexander returned from the bar with a tray full of drinks for the pair of them.
"I thought you'd need them." He chuckled. And he was right as Aria instantly downed the entirety of her Fire Whiskey in one gulp.
For the next few hours, the pair laughed and drunk together, and for the first time since she had arrived at Hogwarts, she felt she finally had one true friend. It was nice to finally be able to talk to someone her age and not have to constantly fight to have a conversation or speak about work the whole time.
Unfortunately, though, within seconds of her coming to this realisation, Aria's hopes of maintaining her relationship with her new found 'friend' was shattered. Alexander reached his hand across the table, resting it gently on top of her own. Slowly he picked it up, moving it towards his lips before place a soft kiss on the back of her hand.
From the corner of her eye, Aria saw the Weasley twins watching her intently, forcing her to yank her hand away from the man.
"Another Drink?" Aria asked, already getting up from the table, making her way to the bar.
"Umm, no thanks." He said slightly confused, watching her walk away.
Passing the Weasley twins she avoided eye contact, praying Alexander would not make another move. At this rate making friends was not worth risking the twins spilling her secrets.
Of course, as Saturday's always were, the Three Broomsticks was packed full of students socialising with their friends and so Aria thanked God for once in her life that she would not get served any time soon. Rehearsing over in her head how she was about to end this 'date' with Alexander, all Aria wanted to do at this moment was run back to Hogwarts and go to sleep. It had been a long a day.
Finally reaching the front of the queue, Aria was barely focusing on her surroundings.
"What can I get you?" The bartender asked.
"Fire Whiskey. Double." Two voices spoke at once.
Snapping back to reality upon hearing that so easily recognisable voice, Aria looked to her right to see none other than Severus Snape sitting at the corner of the bar, fondling an empty glass of Fire Whiskey.
"I'll get those right up." The bartender complied, obviously catching it was an awkward situation, and decided to get both the drinks at the same time.
"Severus." Aria said softly. "What are you doing here?"
"You are not the only one permitted to enjoy themselves with the occasional libation, Miss Dumbledore." He retorted, his words slightly running together, suggesting he had either been here a while, or had a lot to drink. Or both. Aria thought.
"Of course." She smiled awkwardly, not quite knowing how to respond.
"And your date." Snape spat, clearly unaware of how loud he was being. "How is it going?"
"Like I said before, Professor Snape. It is not a date." Aria tried to act a little more professional than her mentor, fully away the pub was full of Hogwarts students.
"Doesn't look like it from where I'm sitting, the two of you seemed rather close just now." Snape continued to mumble.
"You were watching us?" Aria questioned, to which Snape chose to remain silent.
"Two double Fire Whiskeys." The bartender announced.
Snape handed over his money, gesturing that he would be paying for both drinks.
Aria nodded a small thank you and made to leave.
Grabbing his drink from the table Snape stood up from his bar stool and started to walk alongside Aria, until gradually they came to a halt in the center of the room.
"Can I help you, Severus?" Aria huffed irritably.
Snape pondered for a moment, taking a large gulp of Fire Whiskey, deciding whether or not to speak.
Aria started to walk away, thinking he was never going to say anything.
"What are you trying to achieve." He hiccupped, bringing her back to attention.
"I'm sorry?" Aria asked, spinning on her heel to face him once more. "I don't think I know what you mean."
"I know what you're doing." He hiccupped again, leaning against a wooden pole in an attempt to stabilise his balance. "You're playing a game, but what do you get from it?"
"I have no idea what you're on about Snape, now if you don't mind, I'm going back to my-"
"Date?" He cut in, raising one eyebrow suggestively.
"No." Aria smirked sourly, knowing he was trying to put words in her mouth.
"Then what is it? Because, that boy over there is clearly interested in you and you're leading him on." He spat, his voice raising the more he spoke.
"None of this is any of your business, Professor Snape." Aria said still trying to remain professional and remove herself from the situation, knowing the man was clearly intoxicated. It was clear now to Aria that the majority of students in the pub were invested in listening in to their professor's conversation.
"There's no point denying it, I've seen it for myself. He's not the first, this boy." The potions master raised his voice, latching onto the woman's wrist, stopping her from leaving.
"Professor Snape, I think maybe you should quieten down a bit, people are listening." Fred interrupted as the twins bravely came to Aria's rescue.
"Aria maybe it's time to go." George whispered to her, pulling her back from the potions master.
"Here's more of them now. Students." Snape scoffed, completely ignoring anything the twins tried to say. "I bet before you came to Hogwarts, you done the same to them. Lead them on, drew them in with your sickening charms, then just left them on the hook for you. Look at them now, coming to your rescue."
"Don't be ridiculous, Severus. This is highly inappropriate." Aria tried to keep her composure, motioning to the Weasley boys to leave them, but it was obvious to everyone that a scarlet blush had begun to warm her cheeks. "You need to go home Severus. You've had too much to drink, you don't know what you're saying."
"I know exactly what I'm saying. And I know that you're here on a date with some poor bloke whose got no chance and you'll happily admit that"
"That's not what's happening, you're twisting my words."
"And I know that all day you've been flirting with Igor Karkaroff." He continued, paying no mind no Aria's objections. "I found the two of you in a rather comprising position today after the Great Feast."
"You're exaggerating, Snape, you know fine well that's not what was going on." Aria cried, which again, Severus chose to ignore.
"You've even tried your godforsaken charms on me. You tried to get me on my own in your quarters to seduce me, you're constantly flirting in a feeble attempt to manipulate me. Thank god I'm not dull enough to fall for your sickening act. I mean even now, look at how you're dressed. I'm assuming it's for all our benefits, men have been gawking and drooling over you all day and you love it. You're a teacher dressed like a common whore, how utterly inappropriate. You'd have been fired by now if Dumbledore wasn't your precious grandfather."
"This has gone too far, Severus, you need to stop this now!" Aria demanded, her voice cracking a little as she tried to match his volume.
"I'm not done." He sneered at her, the venom in his voice, showing a side of her mentor she never wanted to encounter again.
"The icing on the fucking cake is, you done all of this, played all of these cruel, childish games, and all the while you're in a relationship." He paused, relishing in Aria's reaction. She froze on the spot like a deer caught in headlights. For the first time tonight her eyes connected with the professors. "Is he being played too? Or does he somehow benefit from your antics."
"How the hell do you know that." Aria whispered, her own tone turning sour.
"I saw the letter on your desk."
"You read my mail? How dare you! That is confidential. You just don't know when to stop do you?" Aria cried, utterly humiliated.
"What's going on here." Alexander chimed in, holding Aria by the arm attempting to get in between her and Snape. He had been stood aside, listening alongside the students, but didn't know how to process any of this information until now.
"Everything he's saying, it's not true!" Aria pleaded with her friend, praying he too wouldn't ridicule her in front of everyone. "But he is right, this wasn't supposed to be a date. Nothing will happen between us, I'm so sorry." She begged, trying to hold herself together.
"It's okay." Alexander whispered, not wanting to upset the woman further. "Come with me, I'll walk you home." He attempted to embrace her.
"We all know what that means." Snape scoffed, watching them walk away. "She'll probably do anything you want she's that much of a fucking slut."
Both Aria and Alexander stopped in their tracks. Aria's whole body froze, having no idea how to react. The word rung in her ears, sending a pain to her heart and making her body go numb as if she was being stabbed with a thousand tiny knives. This was not the first time she had been called that word, and it fucking hurt to hear.
Alexander on the other hand knew exactly how to react. He paused for a moment, hand wrapping tightly around his wand before changing his mind at the last minute. Before anyone knew what was happening Alexander swung a punch at Severus hitting him squarely in his right eye. The professor instantly doubled over swearing in pain.
The students listening in instantly made to look busy, not wanting to know what Severus Snape would do to retaliate. Unfortunately for those wanting to see a show, Snape simply fell to the nearest chair, keeping his head down.
Aria quickly pulled herself together knowing this was her mess to fix.
Alexander rubbed his knuckles to ease the pain, before wrapping an arm around Aria Dumbledore. "Come with me." He said.
"Actually Alexander, I think I better take him back to the castle." She gestured to the mass of black fabric and hair drooping over a table and chair.
"Are you mad, after all that he just said to you. There's no way I'm letting you walk alone with him. He should be fired for all he's done."
"He's drunk... and I provoked him really, it's not his fault." Aria lied. "He's not like this when he's sober, trust me."
After a few more minutes of persuasion Alexander finally let Aria have her way, and bid her goodbye.
By this time the whole of the pub was chattering and gossiping about what they had witnessed, but Aria knew this was not the time to address what had happened and she would just have to let time run its course. The only thing she could do not was please the screaming bartender and remove Severus from the premises.
Drunk and a little concussed it took the potions master a minute or two to come around, but by then Aria had managed to walk him out the pub and along the road back to Hogwarts.
"Why are you helping me." Snape slurred, as he stumbled his way along the path.
"Because I know you're not a bad guy." She said softly.
*
That evening Aria insisted on helping Snape into his private quarters. The effects of the night had begun to sober Severus up, the embarrassment rendering him speechless, but Aria couldn't help but worry for him. This was not a regular old outburst, something was obviously eating away at him, but she could not bring herself to ask what it was that drove him to that level of anger.
Not wanting to upset him further, Aria chose not to enter his bedroom and chose to stay in the main living area. Handing him a pint of water to sip on, the young Miss Dumbledore set out to arrange a place for him to sleep on the couch. She managed to gather a few stray blankets and pillows she had found lying around, and decided he was still too drunk to care whether or not he went to sleep in his clothes.
Crawling up on the couch beside where he sat, Aria help a make shift ice pack gently to his eye. It had already begun to swell and it was clear there would be a lot of bruising by the morning. Her heart hurt for him.
"Why are you doing this." Snape finally spoke, breaking the silence that had become so thick.
Aria took a deep intake of breath, not fully understanding herself why she was helping the man who had ridiculed in the worst possible way.
"I don't know." Was all she could say in return, shuffling closer to tend to his eye.
For what seemed like a lifetime, Snape's apprentice sat facing him on her knees, breathing slowly and deeply as she held the cold compress to his eye, desperately hoping the swelling would go down and result in minimal bruising. Though the bruising of his eye was the last thing Severus was concerned about. Not only had he embarrassed himself in front of half the student body, he had humiliated Aria and deeply hurt someone he truly cared about. Perhaps that's why he did it.
Severus knew the feelings he had for his assistant were becoming more real by the day and there was nothing he could do to stop them the more time they spent together. Perhaps his drunk-self had concluded that the only solution to his problem would be to drive her away, make her turn on him. But clearly his plan had failed. Now he was sat closer to her than he had ever been, watching her chest slowly rise and fall as she breathed in time to the beat of his heart.
Slowly Severus' lifted his gaze to the woman's face, watching her intently. For the first time since they had met, he saw a true sadness take over her, and he hated himself for being the reason she felt this way.
Snape suddenly felt completely dissociated from his body. He wasn't thinking, he didn't want to think. He had done enough of that in his lifetime and for once he just wanted to feel. Gingerly Snape nervously placed his hand over her own, catching Aria's attention as he removed the cloth of ice from his eye. Never breaking eye contact Severus shifted on the couch to face her better. She sat on her knees, her bare legs exposed, rubbing lightly against his own. Letting go of her hand, Severus softly placed it on her exposed waist.
Goosebumps immediately rose all over her body, when the professors hand rested on her waist. She had hoped he would just assume she was cold from holding the ice, but both of them knew this was not the case. She wanted to break her gaze, she couldn't stand how he was looking at her, but she could not force herself to look away. Never before had Aria encountered this side of Severus Snape, she didn't think anyone had, but she couldn't help herself from feeling enchanted.
Just as unexpectedly as the first had been, Severus placed a second hand on her cheek, while letting the first snake around her body to the small of her back. The couple's bodies had gradually came edged to each other and now they were so close they could feel each other's warm breath on their skins.
Severus dropped his eyes to Aria's mouth, almost contemplating his next move. He thought about it for so long, unable to make the final move. Their foreheads touched, and his nose brushed against hers, but he just did not have the nerve to close that final gap. Both Aria and Severus' breathing had picked up the pace, and as each jagged breath left their mouths, the atmosphere became even hotter and heavier.
Just as Severus worked up the courage to make his move Aria found herself snap back to reality. Jerking away from him, she left out a small gasp but quickly covered her mouth. "I'm sorry." She whispered, shaking her head as she saw the Snape's face fall. "I'm so sorry." She cried, tears forming in her eyes, as she backed away.
Severus pulled his hands a way, balling them into fists, knowing he had made a mistake. He got up from the couch just as Aria had done, moving backwards putting some distance between them.
"Aria..." He whispered, calling her by her name for the first time. He looked at her almost pleadingly. But even he didn't know whether he was begging her to stay or begging her for forgiveness.
"I have to go. I'm sorry Severus." She breathed again, fleeing from the room.
Just as Severus made to close the final gap between them, Aria thought back to his harsh words of the night. She remembered everything he had said, and it suddenly occurred to her that he may have been testing her. He had claimed she was playing games and using men. He knew she was in a relationship, why else would he do this? To try and seduce her completely out of the blue, he could only be trying to prove himself right, prove that she really was a user, a harlot, a slut.
Aria felt the tears pour from her eyes as she tried to make sense of the confusion Severus had caused. What exactly was he gaining from this? Why would he want to ridicule her even more than he already has? Maybe he was truly just a cruel man.
Taglist:
@ayamenimthiriel @lizlil
#severus snape#professor snape#severus snape one shot#severus snape fanfiction#Severus Snape smut#severus snape imagine#severus snape x reader#severus x reader#severus x oc#severus x y/n#snape#snape x reader#snape x y/n#snape x oc#alan rickman#Harry Potter#harry potter and the goblet of fire#harry potter fanfiction#dumbledore#dumbledores granddaughter#severus snape fluff#severus snape angst
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The Ghost Of You
05 - I’m drained

Chapters songs:
Pope is a rockstar; SALES
I don't know you; The Marías
Coax & Botany; Gus Dapperton
—
- Y. L. Perspective
'Shit, I'm late.' I told myself, while a hand searched every corner in my school bag for my phone. Yet, it was nowhere to be found. Without my phone, I couldn't tell Suga that I was a little behind time. I told him I'd meet him in the gym around the end of his practice, but it was now 20 minutes after, and I couldn't be more stressed about my phone missing.
"Y/n, I'm sure he'll come looking for you right after," Giki says, putting her hands around her love handles, leaning against the wall. "If you two made plans to walk home, then he won't bail. He doesn't seem the type to do that. And besides, he knows where to find you, doesn't he?—"
I shut down any idea she gave that would help me calm down. "It's not just that! I need my phone, I can't go home without it. Fuck, this always happens!" I pull my hands out of the bag, and run them through my hair, looking around for a solution. "Dude, what the hell do I do?! He hasn't gotten here yet, and I really don't want Suga being angry at me!"
"Now why would I be angry at you?!"
Someone calls out from the doorway, catching both Giki and I's attention. There stood Koushi, with a cheeky smile plastered on his face, and one hand held up. "Missing something?" He said, as my phone stood between two of his fingers.
At the sight, I sigh, in relief, happy at least one of my issues was solved. "Thank you, so much," I say, as he smiles down at me, passing it. Honestly, I couldn't be more thankful for him; if it wasn't awkward, I could've even hugged him.
Gathering my things, I throw on my bag, and I'm able to become poised, instead of seeming like a mad man. "That's my queue. See you later, Giki. You have a ride home, right?"
She nods. After our goodbye, I leave the band room, then begin my walk with Suga. My hands ran down my blazer, hoping that it would warm them up a bit. Tonight was chilly, possibly the coldest night of the week. But that was okay, because cold, rainy nights were what I lived for; nothing felt better than sleeping during them. The only thing I was worried about was if I'd get home in time before the storm starts.
"Why are you so stressed out? You didn't seem this way during lunch. Is something bothering you?" Suga asks in his calming voice, interrupting my thoughts. Though, it wouldn't be bad to let them run freely from my mouth. The only thing I worried about was that I'd break down if I were to talk about everything that was on my mind.
But it wasn't like I was uncomfortable talking with Suga, so why not. "It's nothing, really. I think I've just recently been on the edge about everything. It's like, if some teeny thing goes wrong, I become a complete mess. But it's probably just because I'm still processing the fact that everything is happening so fast." I explain, rubbing my left temple while closing my eyes.
"I get it. That's how I feel, too. But I can't imagine how it must be for someone as busy as you. But if you wanna talk about it, I'm all ears."
I feel his eyes on me, as well as his hand on my shoulder. It laid comfortably, lightly squeezing it. At the action, I immediately open my eyes, nervous as to any movements, and hear almost my heartbeat through my ears. Honestly, I cursed myself for feeling so giddy inside just because he was being friendly, but I also cursed myself for thinking it meant something. That's what having low self-esteem means, thinking he likes me because he's nice. "Yeah, it's okay. Besides, I think all I need right now is to get home and rest. Maybe that would help me a bit— you know?" My voice cracks at the end, and the pressure of tears building up in my nasal passage, which came before a good cry.
'No, because I KNOW I'm not about to cry in front of Sugawara. That would be the worst situation.' I thought to myself, feeling my eyes burn. No way in hell I would do that purposefully. That would look as if I'm seeking attention like a lost puppy, which is exactly what I didn't want to seem like.
But sadly, a sniff from my nose reveals me completely, making him turn my shoulders towards him. His eyes looked worried, seeking reassurance I was ready to cry. "Hey, what's wrong? Are you okay?"
'There's the magic word.'
Now, a few tears escaped my eyes, quickly being cleaned away by my sleeve. But after a few seconds, it felt pretty pointless to try and hide them. "I— I'm sorry. I've just been keeping it all in till right now—God, this is really awkward." I say, giggling in nervousness on the last part, before placing both hands over my face and look down. The clouds growled above us, giving me a sense that they were about to pour as well.
"That's okay. I didn't mean to go over boundaries with your personal life— I'm sorry." He says, now putting both of his hot hands on my shoulders. "It's okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes, and it's okay to let your feelings out. But it's not okay to bottle up your emotions. I would know, wouldn't I?"
I nod, swabbing more tears before looking towards him. "Yeah, I know. I just don't really talk about it, especially now that my schedule is packed and all." I say, clearing my throat. As much as I hate to say it, Suga was right; nobody knew what keeping your feelings inside felt like the way he did.
And so, I kept crying, and stood in front of him for a good minute, just letting it out. He wasn't sure what to do at first, but then he put his arm around me, then another, and trapped me in a hug.
My head laid against his chest, and his hands wrapped around my neck, while he laid his head over mine. Although I felt truly humiliated and like a complete child, I guess a hug from a friend couldn't hurt. Honestly, I'd expected myself to break down sometime soon; Undergoing so many things can be stressful. Moving to a different country soon, graduating in only a year, and trying to drift from close friends was hard. The only thing is that I didn't expect to cry in front of someone I wasn't completely close with.
"What's going on, Y/n? If you don't mind me asking." To my surprise, his hand gently runs through my hair to comfort me and hums in worry. "I hope you know you can talk to me."
As much as I appreciated Sugawara trying to make me feel better, I still felt completely inhibited. But as much as a hated this moment, I just needed to let my feelings out. And now, I couldn't control when or where I'd do it, I just needed it to happen. Silently sniffing, a response later to his question. "I'm just realizing so many things are happening, and I'm feeling overwhelmed about it. But I'll get over it, don't worry." My stiff body pulls away slowly, and I hastily pick myself back up from my breakdown.
"Oh.. well, I understand that. You know I've got a lot on my shoulders, and I've had a lot of time spent in that corner of panic. I guess your third year comes with many burdens, doesn't it? But it'll be okay, Y/n. Your feelings are completely valid, don't feel bad or ashamed about them. And besides that, you should appreciate yourself for getting yourself through them, okay?" His hand strokes my jaw, raising it to meet his bright eyes, while an unavoidable smile of his appears. "You're gonna be okay."
As predicted, I felt a tad better than I had before. It seemed Suga found the exact words I had needed today, ones that no one ever told me. I wasn't so used to people comforting me this way in person, therefore making me uneasy when having this conversation with him. But I was glad that I did because now the knot between the two of us untied if only a little.
I nod, looking down towards my shoes again, as his hand leaves my face and travels back into his sweat pants pocket. "Yeah, I know. Thanks, by the way, "I mumble, before sniffing once more, and turning towards the direction we were walking in before I had started crying like an idiot. "I know I'm not supposed to apologize, but still, I'm sorry for making this awkward. Usually, I'm not the one to embarrass myself in front of somebody like this."
"Oh, don't fret. I've had my share of embarrassment, and probably the one with more shame than ever between the two of us," Sugawara replies, clearing his throat. "And I should be the one to give you an apology, It wasn't my place to be nosy and make you cry."
"Don't worry about it, I was bound to weep like a baby any time soon." A small chuckle leaves my mouth, lightning the heavy mood I'd created. "So, Suga, what makes you think you're more shameful than me?"
He too, laughs a bit, before answering my question. "Well, for starters, I've cried in front of Daichi, one of the most indestructible people I know. Not only was that embarrassing, but it was because I was too weak to face my problems. And second off, as you know, I don't handle them properly. Not at all."
"I don't know. Mind explaining to me?" I ask him, observing his reaction to my question. Thankfully, he wasn't too uncomfortable about it, but he was still hesitant to say much.
He sighs, running his fingers through his silver hair, and clarifies to me briefly. "N-nothing. I just used to have a bad perspective of everything; not trying, careless about other people, and dull. Really, really dull. I've made a lot of mistakes throughout last year, and ones that you can't fix easily. But I'm not like that anymore, at least I hope I'm not."
A part of me mourns for Suga. I knew exactly what that feeling was like, except it was around my first year of high school. For him, this only happened recently. "Well, I would know that. You don't seem very inconsiderate, more like a gentle guy." I say as we get ready to cross the road to our neighborhood.
"I hope so."
As we walk across the small road, I still feel a small portion of myself regretting ever crying in front of Suga. Yes, it wasn't that big of a deal and I would probably get ever it tomorrow, but that could have changed his perspective of me forever. I wouldn't want to seem like a little cry baby like I was before, if it seemed that way, he might have thought I haven't had any growth.
The rest of our walk is neutral, and none of our conversations include whatever unpleasant situation happened, thankfully. But throughout it, I couldn't help but think thoroughly through the information Suga had told me. I know he went through some shit bad, but I didn't know he was so down that way. I'd see him in hallways looking gloom and gummy, and rumor had it he was sleeping around to deal with it.
'Poor Koushi.'
Finally, the two of us reach my street, and my pace starts to pick up, as I turn behind me to say my thanks to him. "Thanks again, Suga. You know, for keeping me company and all."
The silver-haired boy smiles, looking up at me with his large hazel eyes. As he nods, his position slowly turns around, and he begins to walk away with his head down once again, making his way home. I for one, jog the rest of the way to my house.
It wasn't much— just a two-story that looked a tad more modern than the others around us. It had rectangular windows with a black windowpane and a tall dark oak door with small rectangular windows trailing down. Its brick was stained a light, dusty brown, which complemented the rest of the house nicely. The roofs were black as well, giving off an industrial theme. But besides that, the house was built like the rest that sat next to us.
I walked towards the oversized doors, fitting a key into the lock above the handle. It twists, making a 'click!' sound, and I walk past the entrance, closing the door behind me. It's nothing much— only as modern inside as it is outside. My mother had no struggle with making enough money to keep her house nicely decorated, even if she barely use it.
Honestly, being home made me sad sometimes. At school or friends' houses, I could be alongside someone. Even if we were doing nothing, I would still appreciate their company. But here at home, there was nobody, just like always.
It had only been this way after they'd both found jobs and began working so hard. Up until I was around five, there were distant memories of the three of us— me, my mom, my dad— living in a small apartment downtown, where a one-bedroom in the middle of high crime was all my parents could afford. But once they got their job, it was all nannies and more money. It wasn't later after that they got divorced after discovering that they didn't need each other anymore. Yes, I was proud my parents got back onto their feet after such dark times, but not if it meant that their kids had to raise themselves. Me being an only child, I grew up around teenage girls being paid 50$ an hour yet glued to their phones, while I would play with shit I probably shouldn't have. But it wasn't like it mattered, right? Soon I'd be able to leave Japan and start a new life, instead of being trapped under my parents' absent wing.
"Hey, Astra," I mumble to the small house pet, reaching my hand out to touch her while I slid my shoes off, placing them into the basket that held many others. Then I take off my blazer, hanging it up on the black metal coat rack, and stretch out my hands and arms. The cat under me escapes from my grasp, running into the kitchen for dinner.
Astra was one of the only things that helped me de-attach from reality for a second, and remember that it'll all be okay. That, and guitar. The only thing with playing guitar when you're stressed is that the anger only builds up if you can't get a note right. With Astra, she was a simple white cat who lounged around all day, and may I say a great cuddle buddy. But besides that, she was something I'd had with me for my entire childhood; she's always been my comfort corner.
The cat circles around my legs as I pour kibble into her small bowl while looking up at me, and down at the bowl. After I stand back up, she begins her meal, and I still stay starving. Lunch at school isn't very enjoyable, and my bento didn't have much today, so I guess I had to make my food tonight.
And so, disappointed, I open the fridge to scan what I could shove down my throat before bed. 'There's nothing but vegetables and expired yogurt once again. Gee, I've gotta go grocery shopping sometime soon.' My brain thinks when I suddenly find a small blue container sitting against the inside of my fridge, with a yellow note on it.
'Brought you your favorite. See you tomorrow morning. I'll drop you off at school- father.' My heartbeat comes to a halt at the words 'father'. Was he really here? Possibly for long? I hadn't seen him since about eight months ago, because as always, his job is more important than his daughter. Still— I wasn't completely comfortable with knowing he was here in Miyagi Prefecture, probably in a late business meeting. No way in hell he would ever come to see me volunteering. It must have been a job trip and I was on the way there. Besides, I wasn't sure if mother was okay with me seeing him so suddenly. But knowing them, they probably arranged for this to happen.
Was dad back in town?
—
Hey guys. I'm sorry I'm taking so long to update my chapters, I've just been super stressed out and kind of working myself a little too hard on many things. As always I love you all very much, and please don't forget to vote!!
- estrxlar
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