#quest of a dead dog

[batcrooks]

THE BATCROOKS AWARDS 2024

After keeping meticulous notes on every Media Property™ I consumed in 2024, here is my roundup of the BESTS!! It should probably be one thing per category but I couldn't decide so it's lots actually. And I broke down video games into so many categories because I play a lot of video games!!!

Best Movie I Watched for the First Time in 2024 (Live Action and Animated Categories)

What I wrote about them: Parasite - sooo good so tense and dark and funny? Isle of Dogs - what a DELIGHT. it was so fun to watch this film, i didn't want it to end. the animation was so good. the logistics behind the making of this movie are simply unbelievable. i can't believe this isn't a more beloved film.

Best TV Show I Watched in 2024 (Broadcast and Internet Categories)

What I wrote about them: Severance - SOO GOOD what a FUN SHOW. it has all the good tenseness of a thriller but it's also so funny in its absurdity. i must know more!! the work is mysterious and important Game Changer (season 6) - this season is very high concept. there have been some very funny ones and a couple eh. Sam Says 3 and the one where they had to find the buzzers were both top 5 episodes

Best Video Game (Multiplayer)

What I wrote about them: V Rising - VAMPIRES!! i loved this game for its tight and unwavering focus on being about vampires. you could build a house but it was always, always a vampire house. you can have a horse but it is a vampire horse. incredible. pretty cool combat and magical spells, some questionable level-up mechanics. mostly fun boss fights almost completely ruined by the final Dracula fight being so so overpowered. really enjoyed this one thanks Abiotic Factor - this has been a very cool survival crafting game, maybe one of the best. it reminds me of a lot of different games. mechanically it feels a bit like Raft, in that it has very unique setting and base building and a narrative thread and handcrafted things to explore. of course it has all the half life vibes but also way more SCP stuff than i would have expected and that's great because it is always fun. as of writing we are doing the reservoir section, which has been a lot more stressful than previous sections, but i think we'll probably get through it alright. with only a few exceptions (how long it took to unlock food recipes for example), the progression of craftables has been good. for the mostpart, resources haven't been very annoying to obtain (other than silver and carbon). the vibes are just so good throughout and so many things have been delightful. since it is early access, i'm not going to knock a star off for the Issues. it is an optimistic five stars. about 52 hours and we have completed all the early access. genuinely sad to stop playing it so i guess it was good!! the last chapter was a bit stressful but it was fun how many new gadgets we got to play with for a little while there. anyway it is now tied with v rising for best multiplayering of 2024

(have a lot to say about video games)

Best Video Game (Cat Plays) (Games I Played With an Audience) (Of Sourdeer)

What I wrote about them: The Roottrees are Dead - so good, better than Hand With Many Fingers. hope more games like this keep existing. the amount of info you got to trawl through was so fun. honestly considering replaying it when the steam remake comes out someday, which seems crazy for a mystery game but there was so much i doubt i'll remember everything. Lorelei and the Laser Eyes - a little heavy on the kind of arbitrary spookiness? I dunno how to explain it but it just often feels like games are spooky Just Because sometimes. The same as feeling like this and other games try to tackle high brow stuff Just Because. and the control scheme is WHACK lol. if it just had a "back out" button it would be fine tho. but this is another game that has made me feel so clever very often. it helps to play with multiple people contributing to the tricksy puzzles. It does seem to be a very meta video game which would be fine but it actually doesn't seem relevant to anything? The instruction booklet, the gameboy game of the maze, the ps1 games, the implication that the video game we are playing right now is also licensed in universe. It's INTERESTING but what does it have to do with the auteur filmmaker and the death of materialism and whatever they go on about all the time. But I'm really liking it so far. A good variety of puzzlers and lots to look into, have only felt stuck a few times. Comically long to-do list though. Could have maybe used more elegant level design? Only deal with one floor at a time maybe? Or at least less. But maybe having so many floating mysteries is part of the vibe actually. in the end i think it is firmly in the second tier of plays game, Very Good with a few flaws. most appreciated for being a rather long puzzle game. more of those please

Best Video Game (Sour Plays) (Games Sourdeer Played With an Audience) (Of me)

What I wrote about them: Hypnospace Outlaw - watched sour play. what a WEIRD THING!!! it was so finely crafted which is funny to say about something so absurd, but they really didn't skimp on anything in this. it really rewards exploring everything, and while i feel like it was maybe a little too loose i think there was just enough guidance with the cases to get you through the story that was happening. very chaotic The Rise of the Golden Idol - while i think overall it is not as good as the first one, i think that is mostly just because the first one was a brand new thing that shocked and awed us. the art style was a bit of a downgrade but still had the expected Vibes and the mysteries were just as satisfying to put together (if not as Cool thematically). i'm very glad to have future installments to look forward to. i can't even rate it a star lower because the gameplay is so good. i love golden idol. I.D.O.L.

Best Video Game (Singleplayer)

What I wrote about them: Dredge - really good!! addictive. 100%'d it Arco - i really liked it!! it was like a combo of West of Loathing and Chroma Squad gameplay-wise. it was really good stories and characters i liked them a lot. the pixels were so cute. i accidentally devoured the whole thing (about 13 hours) so fast but i think theres some replayability there sometime. make a few different choices and see what happens. Animal Well - a DELIGHT!! this game had moments where you felt soooo clever but it did also have some times that were a little hard or fiddly. i loved how it had no (very little) music but so much atmosphere. it was very pretty to look at. the backtracking could be annoying sometimes. but i like that it explained nothing and you could still figure out so much. i've gotten to the credits now as of writing (7.5 hours) but i know there's probably a lot hidden around i will try to find some. i see you smiley faces. i just have to remember how to get back to you. 10 hours later: i have gotten all the achievements which is 100%. to me. sourdeer had to help me get the last ten eggs but i think that overall it was a good difficulty throughout. if you dont try to do the rabbits and all the stuff sour is telling me about that is after even the second credits. so a Nice Game, Brent (Billy Basso)

Best Book I Read for the First Time in 2024

What I wrote about them: Children of Time - considering making this a top ten book. i really liked this one. (editor's note: there are diminishing returns on the sequels. The first one is so fun and innovative, but I don't recommend them past that. The second one is OK) Return of the Thief - yaay a satisfying ending :) it was really bold to introduce an entirely new character to be the POV for the last book in a series but it worked out really well i thought. a good character. everything all tied up in the end :) sad to finish, these were a lot of fun. it is sad that not a single one of these had a female POV. Eddis and Attolia were great but compared to the towering amount of male characters it doesn't seem great. but it is forgiveable. finally someone was gay in this one. so that's nice lol. (editor's note: i read this entire series for the first time this year and have chosen the final as the representative.) Assassin's Quest - Oh ok we are serious now!!! Actually fundamentally a bit less serious because there are dragons now but it made it work. Ended really bittersweet and if I didn't know the characters will return someday I would have been pretty thoroughly bummed out about it. Excellent fun book really elevated the other two. Fantasy books really get you drinking the divine right of kings koolaid. Will start on the next trilogy now, have no idea what to expect from it except that it isn't about any of these characters afaik but same world. It has been a real treat to stumble on to long completed series this year. (editors note: final book to a trilogy)

And that's it!! If you want to see every media I consumed this year and my star ratings and comments about them, here's a link to them! (It's a spreadsheet)

[winepresswrath]

Its the jiao jiao anon again .

You keep giving me great pairings. Tell me everything how su she (Shang Qinghua) transmigrate and how will fuck jiang cheng. Is he still an author ? What was his intention with this kinda book?

I think he is still a writer but not the actual author of mdzs. He's a relatively casual fan who admires the vision and winces in sympathy every time drama gets kicked off. This is why you don't try, mdzs author! You give the people what they want and take their money. He's originally planning on keeping his head down and learning just enough cultivation from the Lan to make his life easier than it otherwise would be, then getting an urgent letter from his sick mother right before the Wen are scheduled to attack, but alas, his wandering not-cultivator dumpling sabbatical puts him directly in Jiang Cheng's path while he's frantically running for help after leaving Wei Wuxian in the Xuanwu cave. And the thing is he's still kind of reflexively haughty when he needs something? So pathetic and vulnerable. So cute. What could possibly be the harm in giving him a ride? The Wen aren't scheduled to attack Lotus Pier for ages. He can be on a ship to Dongyin by that time!

Anyway no good deed goes unpunished because Jiang Fengmian does as a general rule believe in giving credit and naming names. He should have fucking known. Now Wen Chao has a grudge against him and he's running around under a fake name wracking up credit for things he did (while trying to run away) and things he did not do (sometimes even when you have a massive army and the most powerful cultivator in the world on your side, things go wrong! He's not responsible for every problem with Wen supply lines. He's responsible for exactly one cart blowing up, and he was just trying for a distraction so he could sneak onto a ship. It didn't work and the harbour is kind of a no-go zone for him now). He comes up with a new plan: find Huaisang and use his shitty unwanted heroic reputation and talent for creative pornography to worm his way into the young master's guard, where he can get some writing done far from the front lines. Unfortunately, he once again stumbles across Jiang Cheng, who is tragically trying to rebuild his sect and searching for a missing shixiong. Shang Qinghua is still a logistics guy, because he was doing grunt work for the Lan and also I feel like that's the shape any transmigration setting is going to bend into around him. Jiang Cheng is so grateful to see a familiar face. He knows the value of a good spreadsheet. His eyes are so pretty when he's trying not to cry. The Jiang aren't in a great place during the war, but Shang Qinghua knows the sect makes it through and he doesn't remember any Jiang disciples being asked to heroically sacrifice themselves after Lotus Pier falls. Plus the food is better and there's plenty of room at the top! A veritable power vacuum. To say nothing of all the empty space in Jiang Cheng's personal life when almost everyone he loves dies and leaves him alone! Anyway this is the story of how Shang Qinghua accidentally paints a series of targets on his back, unnecessarily involves himself in the plot, and overcomplicates his life because being a sucker for a pretty face and a bad personality is even more integral to his character than underappreciated grunt work. Probably he manages to save Yanli, at least. He's not interested in being a stepfather! That's a lot of work. Wei Wuxian barely notices he exists until either he saves everyone or the second life roles around, depending on how ambitious and/or motivated Shang Qinghua is feeling. Then he hates him passionately, but it's too late. They probably eventually reach some kind of begrudging peace.

[tomsoska]

[forthegothicheroine]

There is something funny about watching The Power of the Dog while playing Red Dead Redemption 2, where all the subplots are "Cowboy runs errands for a series of increasingly eccentric skinny men."

[monards]

rhinedottir story quest where we visit the horrors

[sentimentalslut]

So I've hit a bit of a dead end in my life where I have no idea what to do or what I want to do. Do you have any advice on how to try and figure it all out?

Also I love ur duncney fics you should be an author <3

listen, anon. i'm 26. as much as i am flattered that you think i have it figured out, i do not. i'm willing to bet i wont have it figured out in ten years or twenty or forty-five. the thing is, i'm fine with that.

so here's my advice:

honestly, just keep living. put one foot in front of the other. find things you enjoy for no other purpose than enjoyment.

you don't have to 'do' anything -- living is about experiences. not every one of them have to have a purpose.

most of being human is drifting around and wondering why youre here. none of us really have the answer. that's okay. that's normal. maybe you'll never figure out what you're meant to 'do'. and that's fine!

the thing that keeps me anchored in the sea of Being Alive All the Time, and the thing that keeps most people anchored, is passion.

step one of discovering your passion, whatever it is, is to allow yourself to discover it. pick up pointless new hobbies and let yourself put them down if you dont enjoy them. read new books. read wikipedia articles for things youve never heard of. go on long walks in new parts of your neighborhood. listen to a new podcast. watch a video essay about something stupid youve always been curious about.

make bad art. paint shitty pictures, draw shitty portraits, write shitty stories. let yourself be bad at things. let yourself be purposeless.

accept the fact that you are human and unsure about your place in the universe -- because those two things go hand in hand. this is the curse of sentience. embrace it.

[thewardenisonthecase]

Questions for the Warden/HoF

the version of this for Hawke and the Inquisitor.

These range from things related to the game's events and who the Warden is as a person.

What is the Warden's name? Does it have a meaning behind it? How do they feel about their name?

How would you describe the Warden's personality before and after the prologue? Did it change much or did they remain the same?

Prior to the prologue, who was the Warden's closest friend?

Did the Warden have any romantic relationships before the game?

What are their thoughts on Duncan? How did they feel about his actions during the Joining?

Were they impacted by Cailan's death? Or did they not care about him?

How did they feel about being put in a leading position? Do they resent Alistair for putting that on them or are they ok with it?

How did the Warden deal with Connor? Is he or Isolde dead? What was the Warden's rationale to resolving the issue as they did?

If the Warden was trapped in a nightmare, what would it be like?

Did they help the mages or did they go with Cullen's plan? Why?

How did the Warden react to the truth of the werewolf curse?

Did the Warden end Zathrien's curse?

How does the Warden feel about the Deep Roads?

What did the Warden think when they saw the Archdemon in the Dead Trenches?

Who did the Warden choose as the new King of Orzammar and why?

How did the Warden feel about the Anvil of the Void?

What was the Warden's reaction to seeing Bryce/Shianni/Tamlen/Leske/Jowan/Trian in the Temple of Sacred Ashes?

How did the Warden feel about the Ashes? Are they religious or do they not care? And did they defile it or not?

Who are the people in camp that the Warden is closest with and why?

Is there anyone in camp who they do not like? Why?

Did the Warden romance anyone from their group? If so, what attracted them to their partner?

Which gifts would raise the Warden's approval, if they were a companion?

If Dog is in the party, what did the Warden name him and why?

Did the Warden complete the companions quests?

Did the Warden focus more on their objective or did they do side quests?

If the Warden was Captured, did they wait for their companions or did they leave on their own? If they waited, who rescued them and why?

How does the Warden feel about what is happening in the Alienage? How do they feel about how elves are treated?

During the Landsmeet, who did the Warden choose to rule Ferelden and why? How did they come to that decision?

How did the Warden feel learning about how Archdemons are killed?

Did they agree to Morrigan's ritual? If so why, or why not?

How does the Warden feel about being a Grey Warden and the sacrifices that entails?

If they could leave the Wardens, would they?

Who killed the Archdemon and are they still alive?

How does the Warden feel about becoming the Hero of Ferelden?

How is the Warden's personality like after the events of DAO? Did they change or are they still the same?

Did their appearance change during the game? If so, how? Did they change their hair? Did they gain any new scars?

Is the Warden still in contact with anyone after the game's events? Are they still with their love interest, if they have one?

Is there any decision that the Warden regrets? If so, which is it and why? How would they change it?

Do the events of the Fifth Blight haunt the Warden or have they moved past it completely?

How does the Warden feel about the Calliing?

[elverrie]

spike is like that arrogant and "highly" independent stray cat that once showed up at buffy`s door and after that she and the gang couldn`t get rid of him. he appears when he feels like it, acting like he doesn`t want to be there and hates everybody (except buffy), steals their trash and annoys the hell out of them, he brings buffy dead birds and knocks off xander`s cup, but then everybody got used to him, so whatever.

and andrew is that whimpering anxious small crusty dog that also showed up at buffy`s home, doing weird things and side quests and he absolutely cannot be left alone or he will scream. nobody also wanted him, nobody knows what to do with him, but now they are stuck with him, for better or worse.

[the-teufort-nine]

The BLU Chemist Reader returns for their final fic! 11k words and about a week of work and beta reading by @pinkypiechar have led to this! I hope it lives up to expectations!

If you like the idea of a Chemist Reader, please consider checking out my longer, RED Chemist Fem!Reader fic, whenever I actually get around to writing it.

Mercs x GN!Reader | Respawn Malfunction PART 3: Chem and RED's Excellent Adventure

ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ Hurt/Comfort, Discussion of Poly Relationship, Crossfaction Flirting | NSFW, because while technically no sex happens, its definitely discussed/implied| Cw: starvation, mentions of graphic death/description of a corpse, mentions of pet death (non graphic), possesive behaviours ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ

Featuring:

Everyone! Even Miss Pauling is here, as well as a particularly charming duo from the enemy team.

Scenario: Having been stranded at the new base with no hope of making it back to their team alone, the BLU Chemist must ask their mortal enemy for help. Thankfully, even a RED Engineer has some good ole' southern hospitality, and the Texan offers to get the BLU back to their team. (Un)fortunately, someone else has joined in on their little quest...

The RED team's Engineer had seen many things during his time working for Mann Co., but the sight before him now may have been the strangest yet.

The BLU Chemist, whom everyone knew had died during that horrible Respawn failure, was standing on the other end of his trusty shotgun.

Well, standing might have been too generous a word. The Merc was swaying like a sapling in a storm, trembling from the effort of staying upright. Their usually vibrant eyes were dull behind their safety goggles, which didn't hug their face like usual. Everything they wore looked baggy and ill-fitting, barely hanging onto their gaunt, thin form. They looked dead, as though their soul had been dragged back from the afterlife and shoved into their corpse.

“How the hell…” he lowered his gun, blue eyes narrowing in disbelief, “Ain't you supposed to be dead?” 

“I was.” They shrugged weakly, stumbling slightly, “Now I'm not. I actually just died again a few hours ago, and I'm pretty sure my team might think I'm actually dead. Again.”

“Jesus Mary and Joseph.” The Engineer cursed, before opening the door wider. “Well, I reckon since it's a ceasefire, ah ain't bein’ paid t’ kill ‘ya, so y’ may as well come in. Just try ‘n keep the noise down, otherwise you're gonna have 9 curious bastards pokin’ atcha.”

“I'll be as quiet as a church mouse.” The BLU replied, wincing as they stepped into the illuminated interior. “Jesus, that's bright.”

“It really ain't.” The Southerner arched a concerned brow, “You’re just sick as a dog.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.” Came the Chemist’s grumbled response.

“Where’d you come from? Ain’t much ‘round here that could get ‘ya killed, aside from us.” He asked, extending a hand to steady his unexpected guest as they tilted towards the wall.

“Uhhhh,” The Chemist scrubbed at their eyes, letting their hand drag down their face. Their E/C eyes stared blankly at the wall as they tried to call forth an answer. “Colorado. Yeah, we were in Colorado. We had to stop at this little town called Limon ‘cause there was a tornado.”

“A tornado?”

“Yeah. It knocked down a utility pole. That’s how I died again, actually! Biggggg ole electric shock.”

Engineer let out a low whistle. “Nasty way to go. You are one unlucky sumbitch, huh?”

The Chemist inclined their head. “Or, I’m a lucky ‘sumbitch’, depending on how you look at it. I’ve cheated Death twice now, after all.”

Engineer snorted at their attempt to mimic his accent. It reminded him of his own team’s Chemist, who was tucked away upstairs, sleeping peacefully. She often copied his countryisms, and he would sometimes catch her unconsciously copying the accent or speech mannerisms of whomever she was speaking to.

“Maybe.” he acquiesced, “Yer a right tough bastard, ah’ll give ‘ya that. No wonder yer such a pain in the ass when we’re scrappin’.”

The other Merc grinned a bit. “Being a pain in the ass is my specialty.”

Before he knew it, Engineer found himself standing in the Intel room, where the base’s phone was located. Thankfully, their Intel was still packed away in a secure safe, but even if it wasn’t, the man was fairly sure that this BLU wouldn’t try and snag it.

“Here ‘ya are! Hope ‘ya get through to someone.” He said, offering the phone to the exhausted Chemist.

“‘Preciate it.” They said, taking the phone and punching in a few numbers. They leaned against the wall, head resting on the wood as they listened to the phone ring. After a minute, they frowned, letting out a soft curse.

“Pauling’s not picking up. The storm must have knocked out her signal.” They sighed, “Great. Guess I'm waiting back at our base for them to show up. Whenever that is.”

“Are you gonna be able to hang on that long?” The Texan questioned, “No offense, partner, but you look like yer gonna drop.”

The Chemist sighed again, in a long, drawn out way, the way someone did when bone deep exhaustion finally caught up to them. The way animals do when they've given all they can, and now simply must lie down and wait for the inevitable.

“It's not like I have much of a choice. I mean, what else am I supposed to do?” They asked.

“Well,” The RED Merc scratched at his chin, contemplating if what he was about to do was a good idea, “Ah don't know if you know this, but we're in good ‘ole Texas, and Colorado really ain't too far from where we're stationed. If ‘ya want, ah could drive ‘ya on over there.”

The BLU raised their head off the wall, eyes widening in surprise.

“You- you'd do that? For me? Why?” 

Engineer shrugged. “Ah feel bad fer ‘ya. ‘Sides, if you die, then they're gonna replace you with someone new, and ah rather prefer the enemy ah know to the enemy ah don't.”

The two mercenaries stared at one another for a long moment, the only sound being the cricket song coming from outside. Finally, the Chemist let out a dry, wheezing laugh, their teeth bared in a vicious grin.

“Good God I must be insane, trusting a RED.” They chuckled, “You know what? Sure, I'll take you up on that offer, cowboy.”

They reached forward and playfully tugged down the brim of Engineer's hat, causing him to lightly bat their hand away.

“Cream gravy! Alright, let's mosey on out then. Ah wanna be back before mah team starts wonderin’ where ah went.” He said, starting off in the direction of his truck, which was parked faithfully outside.

The Chemist plodded along behind him, and there were a few times where he had to glance back to make sure that they hadn't fallen behind too much. When they finally did make it to the truck, Engineer let them climb into the passenger seat while he nipped over to the trunk. Flipping it open, he pulled out an old, well loved blanket. It was black and white and gray striped, something he'd gotten for his childhood dog, Bucket. Bucket had been a fat, lazy beagle who did nothing but lounge around and bark at guests, but the man had loved him more than anything.

Bucket had passed away some time ago, but he'd never stopped taking the blanket along with him. Now, it would finally get to see some use again.

“Here,” he passed the blanket to the shivering Merc, “It ain't much, but it should help keep ‘ya from freezin’ over ‘till the heat kicks on.”

“T- Thanks.” The Chemist replied, gingerly taking the offered fabric. They thumbed the worn fabric, setting it across their lap.

“No problem.” Engineer replied, shutting the door to his side. 

For a moment, it almost sounded like one of the back doors had shut as well, and he looked back over his shoulder, eyes squinting in the low light. His gaze lingered for a moment, but when nothing revealed itself, he slowly turned back around and started up the truck.

“Ah’ve got a map in ‘m glove box. Pull it out and let's find that little town of yers.”

The Chemist nodded, and Engineer put the truck into drive.

It was going to be a long drive.

A couple of hours into their trek, the RED Engineer noticed that his passenger was starting to droop more than usual. Worse than that, he could hear their stomach growling like an ornery gator every few minutes.

Wordlessly, he eyed up the nearby fast food places before pulling off the road they'd been driving on. The Chemist didn't even seem to notice, too preoccupied with just staying somewhat awake.

“You up for a snack, Darl’?” He asked, gently nudging the BLU.

“Mnhm.” They mumbled back, “C’n I have m’ cheeseburger yet?”

“Sure, we can do a McDonald's run.” Engineer replied, turning into the nearest drive through.

He quickly placed an order for both his guest and himself, paying and grabbing the food before finding a spot to park.

“Here ‘ya go. One genuine American cheeseburger.” The Texan said, handing the Chemist their food.

The Chemist stared at the offered meal, gently cradling the wrapped burger in their hands, as though it were some sort of priceless treasure.

“Engie, I could genuinely suck your dick right now.” They said softly, before sinking their teeth into the cheeseburger, not even bothering to take off the wrapper.

The RED Merc’s face turned the same shade as his uniform, and he pulled down his hat to hide his rosey cheeks.

“Don't- y’ cant just-” he stumbled, trying to make words come out of his mouth properly, “Jesus, don't eat the wrapper!”

“Sorieh, ah can't heawr you.” The Chemist replied through a mouthful of cheeseburger and cheeseburger wrapper, “Ahm too buwsy eaghting.”

“At least slow down.” He muttered, tucking into his own food.

And yes, he did take the wrapper off, thank you very much.

“Yes, please do. I have no desire to see you hork down that disgusting slop like a wild beast.”

Both BLU and RED mercenaries choked as a third voice piped up from the back, scaring them out of their wits. 

“SPY!” Engineer whirled around as the Chemist hacked up their mouthful of food, the BLU thankfully having the wherewithal to stick their head out of the window, “What the hell do you think you're doing here?! How did you even get in mah truck?!”

“I followed you and slipped into the back when you were rooting around for that rag.” Spy replied, indicating to the blanket, which had halfway slipped down onto the floor. “What are you doing here, labourer? Having some sort of illicit affair with zhe enemy?”

“If- If you actually thought that,” the Chemist coughed, pounding on their chest, “then you hiding out in the back is super creepy, dude.”

“Yeah, well bein’ a creep is about all this one knows.” Engineer grit out, nostrils flaring like an enraged bull, “But usually, he knows better than to try that with me.”

“I was simply curious as to why you were sneaking off with someone who is supposed to be dead.” The masked man said, producing a cigarette from one of his pockets, “Zhe Administrator is not going to be pleased when she finds out you have been acting rather… friendly with each other.”

“Yeah, well, what is she gonna do, kill me?” The Chemist snarked. “If she wanted me dead, she wouldn't have let Pauling go ‘n get me. I must be worth more to her alive than dead.”

“She ain't got no eyes here anyway.” Engineer added, “Trust me. Ah personally go over every inch of mah equipment and vehicles at least once a week, t’ check for any bugs or cameras. Mah Betsy is as clean as a whistle.”

Engineer moved like a striking cobra, his prosthetic hand closing around Spy's suit jacket. The Frenchman dropped his cigarette as he was jerked forward, a flicker of fear coming over his face.

“And you, spook, ain't gonna breathe a damn word to Her ‘bout anything that happens on this trip, ‘cause if you do,” he tightened his grip, the metal components straining slightly under the pressure, “ah’ll know, and you won't like what happens next.”

Spy rolled his eyes, but both the Chemist and the Engineer could see that the man was sufficiently intimidated.

“Very well, I shall be silent about your little ‘road trip.’” he sneered, “And zhe Chemist's generous offer.”

“Great.” Engineer said cheerily through gritted teeth, “Ah can tell this is gonna be real fun.”

“Yippee.” The Chemist added dully, before taking another bite of their burger.

“Wh- TAKE OFF THE DAMN WRAPPER!”

Travelling with the RED Engineer had been surprisingly nice. It was almost like being back with your own Engineer, what with the southern man being so kind and polite to you, despite you both being on opposing sides.

Travelling with the RED Spy was not nearly as pleasant.

Him and the Engineer bickered almost constantly, and when they weren't bickering, Spy started semi-flirting, semi-picking on you, which usually led to yet another round of bickering.

Truly, it was almost like being stuck in a car with two overgrown toddlers.

“Is he always this insufferable?” You hissed to Engineer after Spy started listing off all the ways your outfit was offending the very concept of clothing.

“No.” Engineer sighed, looking very much like he'd like to drive all three of you into a ditch, “He's purposefully bein’ more of an ass than usual ‘cause you're here. Usually, he's a lot more quiet.”

“I'd like to see that.” You groused, before refocusing on the map in your lap. Your previous consumed cheeseburger and fries felt uncomfortably heavy in your weakened stomach, but they did help to restore some of your lost energy.

“Okay, it looks like we need to take a left in about 6 miles. We'll be turning onto Canyon Rd.” You read aloud, “We'll be on that one for a while.”

“It's real nice to have someone along who can actually read a map.” Engineer chuckled, “Usually, it's either Scout, Solly, or Pyro who rides with me into town every time we need t’ get supplies, and none ‘a them are any help when it comes to navigatin.’”

“Heh, yeah, mine aren't real great at that either.” You smiled, thinking of all the times you'd heard the three of them bickering on missions.

“Are zhose three good for anything besides destroying zhings?” Spy asked, lounging in the back like a smug cat.

“Sure.” You replied, not looking up from the map, “My Scout's actually really good at impersonating other people, Soldier is a baking whiz when it comes to bread, and Pyro can sniff out backstabbing French bastards like nobody else.”

Spy definitely didn't start pouting as Engineer started cackling like a madman, his shoulders shaking with mirth. You grinned at the sound, your own quiet chuckles joining in.

“Hooo-wee! They gotcha there, slim!” he laughed, wiping at his eye.

Spy glared. “I'm glad you find zhe idea of me dying so amusing, toymaker.” 

“Oh, lighten up, would you.” You glanced back over your shoulder to look at the masked man, “Are you seriously going to tell me you guys don't joke about killing us?”

“I don't joke about killing,” Spy sniffed, “I just kill.”

Engineer snorted as you rolled your eyes, turning back to your map. “Uh huh. Sure. Whatever you say, frog legs. Turn left up here, Engie.”

“No insulting names for zhe cowpoke?” Spy arched his brow.

“Considering he's been nothing but nice to me? No. Maybe if you turn your attitude around, I'll think of something nicer to call you, too.”

“I have no desire to be as, ah, close as you two seem to be.”

You gripped the seat as you whipped around again, eyes widened in anger-tinged disbelief. “Holy shit are you still fixated on that? What, do you want me to offer to suck you off too?!”

Spy recoiled back a bit, stiffening up as the exposed skin of his upper cheeks turned a shade of pink usually reserved for flowers. However,

He didn’t say no.

“Oh, my God.” You said, raising your brows as a smirk pulled the corner of your mouth upwards, “Oh, my God.”

“Merde, no, zhat’s not what I-”

“Well,” You relaxed your grip on the seat and folded your arms, tilting your head slightly as you watched Spy squirm, looking every bit like the cat that got the cream, “you’d have to be very nice to me to get that sort of offer.”

“Je vais t'éviscérer comme un poisson si tu continues à parler!”

“Now, see, I don’t know what you just said, but it didn’t sound very nice.” You turned back around, barely holding in your laughter, “No blowjob offer for you. I guess you won’t have to share, Engie.”

“Well don’t that beat all?” Engineer replied playfully, “You sure yer team won’t mind, though?”

“The way I see it,” You said, readjusting the blanket the man had given you, “you have gone out of your way to bring me back to them, and you let me actually eat the cheeseburger you bought me. They can suck it up.”

“Sounds like you’ll be the one suckin’.” The Texan murmured under his breath, too quiet for you to hear.

“What was that?”

“Nothin!” Engineer replied, “Just talkin’ t’ m’self.”

“Is that a thing all engineers do?” You asked, “My Engie does that too, usually when he’s working on something.”

“Maybe. Mah Pa used to do it fer sure.” The RED Merc shrugged, “Wait, does yer Engineer let y’all into his workshop?”

“Well, he let’s me and Pyro in.” You said, recalling all the times you and the firebug had hung out in the space, “Sometimes Medic is allowed in, but everyone else gets the boot, unless he calls them in to help him with something.”

“Interesting.” Spy said, apparently having recovered from his embarrassment enough to speak, “Zhis one has barred us all from entering his sacred domain. Not even our Chemist get’s zhat privilege. You must mean quite a bit to him.”

“If y’all didn’t go ‘round putin’ yer grubby mitts all over everything, maybe I would let y’ in.” Engineer smacked the steering wheel, frustration in his tone, “Honestly, it’s like herdin’ cats when I let y’all anywhere near mah stuff! ‘Sides, don’tcha remember what happened the last time I let someone play around with mah equipment, Spy?”

“Oui.” Spy shuddered, “I don’t zhink we will ever fully get zhe smell of bread yeast out of zhat base.”

“I’m sorry- bread yeast?” You shot the two RED members a confused look, “What does bread have to do with you not letting anyone near your stuff?”

“It’s a long story, but I suppose we got the time.” Engineer cleared his throat, “It all started one afternoon. We’d just got done killin’ yer team and makin’ off with yer Intelligence…”

Engineer and Spy’s wild tale of love, RED victory, and bread monsters kept you entertained for the next few hours or so, the three of you eventually getting sidetracked by various other topics. By the time the sun started to rise over the Colorado horizon, the conversation had switched to being about everyone’s favourite foods.

“Look, there ain’t nothin’ better fer breakfast than a nice cup’ a coffee, bacon ‘n eggs with a side of buttered toast, biscuits, and sausage gravy ‘n grits.” Engineer said, voice full of confidence.

“I think I would actually explode if I ate all of that.” You stuck out your tongue, feeling ill at just the thought of eating so much food. If this man ate like that every morning, then it was no wonder that he sported such a plump figure in comparison to most of his other teammates.

Not that you were complaining.

“I agree, mon petit saphir.” Spy said, curling his lip. “Zhat is a disgusting amount of food for zhe very first meal of zhe day.”

“Ooh, whatever that name was, it sounded a lot nicer.” You said teasingly. “See? I knew you could do it!”

“Well would ‘ya look at that? You actually got him to simmer down.” Engineer grinned, ducking when Spy swiped irritably at his head, “Maybe you should come join up with RED. We could probably stash you away somewhere, hand y’ over to Spy when we need him to settle.”

You laughed, imagining yourself with a little service animal harness. “Tell you what, If my team decides to murder me for dying again right in front of ‘em, I’ll switch sides.” 

“Heh, partner, you’ve got yerself a deal.” Engineer stuck out his hand, and you gripped it, giving it the best shake your weak arms could manage. 

“It seems as zhough you’ll be making your decision sooner rather zhan later.” Spy leaned forward and pointed at an upcoming road sign, which read “Limon Welcomes You!”

“Oh SHIT we’re here!” You sat forward quickly, before wincing and holding your head, “Oh, woof, headrush. That was a bad idea.”

“Good Lord, this place has seen better days.” Engineer said, gazing at the many fallen tree branches and damaged buildings, “Where did you say y’all were stayin’ again?”

“We sheltered in an old garage near the outskirts of town.” You replied, wincing at the amount of damage you saw, “I hope they haven’t gone too far, but I wouldn’t blame them for wanting to get away as soon as possible.”

“I doubt zhey wanted to linger around your charred corpse.” You nodded grimly at Spy’s comment, not particularly looking forward to seeing it yourself, but needing to check if your team was still around.

Soon enough, the three of you pulled up to the abandoned mechanic shop. The building looked even worse than when you had last seen it, and the lack of nearby vehicles did not make you feel particularly hopeful that you would find your team here. Still, your temporary RED companion pulled over and hopped out of his truck, putting a steadying hand on your shoulder when he saw you struggling to maintain your balance. Spending so many hours sitting down did not help your already weak legs to support your weight. Stepping inside the building proper, you were careful to avoid the downed utility pole and various cables. Only a few feet away from the door lay an unmoving mass with a familiar colour scheme.

Seeing your own dead body never got any less unsettling. Usually, it was blown into unrecognizable pieces, or shot so full of bullet holes that it resembled red and blue swiss cheese, but this time it was wholly intact, save for the skin that had burned and blackened from the intense heat of the electricity that had rocketed through your body. The stench of burnt clothes, hair, skin, and the early stages of rot permeated the still air, and you quickly tugged your respirator on in disgust. 

“Eugh, thank God I ate earlier, because I think I just lost my appetite.” You scrunched your nose, pulled down your goggles over your eyes, and began gathering chemicals from the various pockets and vials on your person. “Step outside, gentlemen, I’ll have this gone in a moment.”

The two RED’s quickly nodded and left, eager to get away from the smell and knowing exactly how dangerous your materials could be.

After a few minutes and a decent amount of hydrogen fluoride and antimony pentafluoride later, you emerged from the workshop’s interior to see Engineer kneeling on the ground, looking at some tire tracks that you hadn’t noticed before.

“Looks like they turned themselves ‘round and went back the way they came. They’re probably takin’ one’a the nearby backroads.”

“Think you can catch up to them?” You asked, praying that you wouldn’t have to return to your new base without your team. You wouldn’t be able to make it by yourself, and you doubted that the rest of the RED team would be as kind and hospitable as their Engineer had been.

The Texan gave you a sharp grin as he pushed himself up, dusting off his overalls.

“Do sheep wear sweaters? Hop in, and ah’ll show ‘ya just how fast ol’ Betsy can be.”

If you asked Florence if she knew her mercenaries well, you’d probably end up with a bullet in your skull, because you were not supposed to know about her mercenaries. Well, technically, they were Reliable Excavation & Demolition and Builders League United’s mercenaries, and, really, the Administrator’s above even them, but she was the one who scouted them out, checked in on them, interacted with them, gave them their assignments, and helped cover up their fuck ups. 

So, yeah, they were her mercenaries. And you weren’t supposed to know about them, so now you’re lying in a shallow grave after getting very well acquainted with her hacksaw.

But if she pondered your question after the fact, then she’d say that, yeah, she did. She’d spent almost all of her very limited free time around them for the last few years, after all, and she kept an eye on them through the various hidden cameras almost as much as her boss did. She knew both teams equally well, easily picking out each of their many similarities, as well as all their little quirks and differences. For example, she knew that the RED Scout had far more freckles than the BLU one. She knew that the BLU Soldier was actually slightly more tame than his counterpart, and that he wore earplugs more often than not, though he is dedicated to never ever letting anyone find out. She knew that both Pyro’s were afraid of the dark, and she knew the exact brand of cigarettes the Spies liked to order.

She knew that both teams were full of loud, borderline rabid, bat-shit insane lunatics that enjoyed the thrill of killing almost as much as she did, maybe even more. She knew, from experience, just how difficult it was to get most of them to quiet down.

Which is what made the situation she was in so damn eerie.

She was back in Spy’s car, having taken the now available passenger seat. Her eyes kept flicking to the neatly folded blanket in Spy’s lap, its minky blue fabric still damp from the rain. The car was silent, save for the occasional muffled wheeze from Pyro, who had just about cried themself hoarse. Medic was sitting next to the arsonist, hands folded as he stared out the window. To a regular onlooker, he likely would have appeared chillingly nonchalant or uncaring. However, as has been established, Florence Pauling personally knew the men she hired to kill each other, and so she was able to see the little cracks in the man’s facade; the way his lips twitched occasionally, like they almost started to wobble before he caught himself, the slow, controlled breaths he was taking, the way his eyes were wet behind his glasses.

Spy was much the same; a perfect picture of poise and aloofness, unless you knew where to look. His suit had been left lightly rumpled, his expensive leather gloves creaked when his hands shifted, showing just how hard he was gripping the wheel, and his mouth was set in an unnaturally tense line. Occasionally, one of his hands would release their death grip on the steering wheel and slip down to feel the blanket in his lap, gently rolling the fabric between his thumb and forefinger.

None of them spoke. 

What was there to say? What could any of them possibly say to make this situation better? 

What could she say? ‘Sorry for your loss, let me fax you those application forms Medic shredded?’ ‘I know you’re mourning, but we need to hurry up and get back so you can all go back to killing the RED team, which still has their Chemist?’ 

No, silence was the better option here by far.

The purple-clad woman leaned back in her seat, head resting against the window as she committed to memory the sound of a tired yet happy voice saying her name, and the feeling of gloved hands pushing her back towards safety. It was better to think of that, rather than the sight of the BLU Chemist’s body spasming wildly before collapsing to the ground, their smoking body giving a few last jerking, dying nerve reactions. 

As she stared out into the vast, dusty nothingness of the New Mexico landscape, something odd began to appear in the corner of her vision. At first, she thought it was a mirage, a strange flash of red in an otherwise sky blue and sand yellow landscape. 

But then it didn’t go away. 

In fact, it actually began to get bigger, becoming clearer and more defined as whatever it was drew closer. On instinct, she reached for the radio and tuned it to a specific frequency, drawing confused looks from her fellow passengers.

“Guys, I don’t want to alarm you, but something’s coming at us. Fast.” she said, leaning in close to the speaker.

“What zhe hell?” Spy said from her left, taking his eyes off the road to squint towards the horizon.

Pyro and Medic peered outside as well, squeezing in close so they could both get a look at the strange thing that was approaching.

“Sniper, can you get eyes on that thing?” Engineer asked over the radio.

Yeah mate. Just gimme a sec.” came the marksman’s reply.

Turning around in her seat, the raven could see Sniper’s van through the rear window. The man was in the passenger seat now, holding up his rifle and peering through the scope. After a moment, he jerked back, a look of shock on his face. He ducked his head back down to look again, as though he wasn’t sure he’d seen something right. In the driver’s seat, Heavy, who had taken the wheel, gave his teammate a confused and slightly concerned look.

Sniper lowered his rifle after another few moments passed, sliding back into his seat as he shouted something to Heavy, who’s confusion visibly deepened. The Russian did a double take when the marksman said something else, and he quickly said something back to the Australian, who shook his head and pointed out towards the still encroaching… whatever it was.

“Sniper wants team to slow down.” Heavy relayed, his tone making it clear that he wasn’t onboard with the idea. “Says that he… believes he saw leetle Chemist.”

“Oh joy,” Spy snarled, baring his teeth in clear disdain as he spoke into the radio, “our Sniper has finally lost it. I knew too much time spent in zhat deathtrap of his would eventually get to him.”

“Ah hate ‘t say it, but ah agree with Spy. We all- we all saw what happened to ‘em. Even if they survived comin’ back again, they'd have died of exposure, thirst, or starvation by now.” Engineer added glumly, “‘Sides, how in the Sam Hill would they get all the way out here? Snipes, ah think you should maybe go lie down for a bit while we deal with whatever's chasin’ us.”

“What is that?” Pauling asked in a low whisper, rolling down her window to get a better view.

Tuning out the sound of fully grown men bickering behind her, she focused on the anomaly. It was a bright, almost familiar shade of red, and it was kicking up quite a bit of dust as it moved across the desert. Pushing herself slightly out of the window, she picked up on the faint sound of… an engine?

Wait a damn minute.

Wait a Goddamn fucking minute.

Faster than a striking rattlesnake on cocaine, Pauling whipped her phone out and began dialing, holding it up to her ear. After a few rings, a man answered in a thick, smug-sounding Southern drawl.

“Why hello Miss Pauling! To what do ah owe the pleasure?”

“Engie, you fucking asshole!” Florence screeched, getting a confused, offended yell from the BLU Engineer, who could still hear what was being said over their shared transmission, “Did you seriously find the BLU Chemist and not tell me?! Do you know how mad the Administrator was going to be at me?!”

She could hear the RED Spy's telltale snorting cackles in the background of the call, while his BLU counterpart looked the farthest thing from amused.

“Qu'est-ce que c'est? Il vaut mieux que ce ne soit pas une mauvaise blague, sinon je jure devant Dieu que je tâcherai de rouge le sable autour de moi.” he growled as he began to slow down, shooting a deadly glare at what was now obviously a RED vehicle, likely their Engineer's truck.

“Woah now lil’ missy, we didn't mean any harm by it. You were outta range back at the base, and ah just figured it'd be easier to just deliver ‘em right to ‘ya.” The RED chuckled, “Iffen y'all are lookin’ t’ shoot us as soon as we come near, though, then we can always keep ‘em. They make pretty good company, and ‘ah know Spy likes ‘em well enough to help vouch for ‘em to the rest of the team.”

“Shoot you, what are you-” the young woman turned around, spotting several members of BLU pointing their weapons at the approaching REDs, “Scout, Soldier, Sniper! Put your guns away- Engie DROP IT!” 

The other Texan had been gearing up to toss down a mini sentry, but paused at his boss’s shout. Disgruntled, he acquiesced, dropping the beeping little robot back down onto the seat.

“Now that's a might bit better. Chem, you wanna take over communications?” The RED Engineer said, before sounds of rustling fabric and a quiet ‘Thank you!’ came over the line.

“Hey, P.” Pauling could almost hear the smile in the other's voice, something that was rather impressive, given the explosion of noise that came over the radio at the sound, “Guess who's two for two on kicking Death's ass?”

“Hello, Chemist.” She replied softly, smiling back, “Are you alright?”

“Oh yeah, I'm fine!” The mercenary replied quickly, sounding tired, but cheerful, “These two have been great company. Well, Engie has, at least- Spy I'm kidding- and guess what? I finally got my cheeseburger!”

“Zhose are not vhat you should be eating!” Medic chastised from the back, “Zhey are nothing but empty calories! 

“Shut up! I was hungry, and Sniper didn’t let me have mine!”

“Chem,” Pauling interrupted, not wanting to be caught in the middle of another argument, “I’m happy you’re alive, really, I am, but how did you get here?”

“Oh, I Respawned at the new base. I guess the system kicked on because the other team was already there.” the Chemist explained, “I tried calling you, but it didn’t go through, so Engie offered to take me so I didn’t, you know, curl up and die.”

“I… wow, that was really nice of him.”

“Yeah, it was. I seriously owe him for this. I’ll have to buy him a nice dinner some time, or, uh,” they snickered, clearly trying to muffle their laughter, “do something for him.”

Florence got the feeling that she was missing something here.

Judging by the intense glares and scowls Medic, Spy, and likely Pyro were directing towards the truck, which was now close enough for her to pick out details, she knew she wasn’t the only one who picked up on the Chemist’s friendly tone.

“Whatever it is you two end up doing, just remember that, if you want me to not have to rat you out, the Administrator cannot know about it, which means I can’t know about it.” the purple-clad woman stressed.

“I would certainly like to know what zhat cow-boy analphabète believes our Chemist shall be doing for him.” Spy muttered lowly, finally bringing the car to a stop as the RED Engineer’s truck parked on the dusty scrubland a few feet away from them.

“No fighting guys. We don’t need anyone else having to risk not coming back.” Florence warned.

Like a pack of stalking wolves, the nine BLU mercenaries leapt out of their respective vehicles and formed an almost defensive group, most of them having only heard bits and pieces of the phone call, but understanding that they were not here to fight. They walked with an air of tenseness, hands flexing as they resisted the urge to reach for their weapons, clearly feeling uneasy in this unprecedented situation.

Still, there was a clear feeling of nervous excitement. The emotional whiplash of the past few hours had left their emotions raw and more sensitive than usual. All of them stopped when the passenger door of the dusty red truck opened with a soft ‘click!’, the wearily smiling face of their teammate popping up over the metal as they shuffled carefully towards the road.

“CHEM!” Scout yelled, unable to hold himself back anymore. A fond smile made its way onto Pauling’s face as she watched the young Bostonian dash over and scoop the other mercenary up, spinning them around for a moment before gently setting them back down on their feet.

Like deadly, man-slaughtering ducklings, the rest of BLU followed after, warmly welcoming their missing friend back into the fold. Medic was on the Chemist in an instant, examining them while asking more questions than was probably necessary. Soldier gave them what was likely meant to be a gentle pat on the back, but which ended up nearly sending poor Y/N to the ground. 

Meanwhile, Pauling, Spy, and Engineer moved to greet the RED team members, who were stepping out of the vehicle themselves. The two men at Pauling’s side kept their professional appearances well, but she knew they’d like nothing more than to give into their instincts and go for their counterparts’ throats.

“Hey guys,” Florence started, hoping to make this conversation as smooth and bloodshed-free as possible, “thank you so much for bringing the Chemist back. I’ll arrange for your team to get a bonus or something for this, I promise.”

“Aw shucks,” the RED Engineer replied, tipping his hat, “it weren’t no trouble. Ahm sure y’all woulda done the same if y’ were in our shoes.”

“But of course.” the BLU Spy responded, “We’re mercenaries, not monsters.”

“What you are is lucky. Your Chemist should have never survived zhe first time, let alone a second.” the opposite colour Frenchman said, producing a cigarette to light, “Tell me, has your team figured out why Respawn went down?”

The BLU Engineer frowned. “Can’t say we have. I reckon y’all haven’t either, then?”

“Unfortunately not. It's got our team all twisted up with worry, ‘specially our Chemist. The stress has been makin’ her feel just plum awful these past few days.” the crimson-clad Texan sighed, pushing up his goggles to pinch the area between his eyes, “To be honest wit ‘ya, ah’d somewhat hoped that travelin’ with yer one might’a given me some answers, or at least an idea of what went wrong, but ah couldn’t find one single tell. If yer feelin’ amicable enough, ah’d like to work with ya t’ find the problem, so we can all stop bein’ so damn nervous.”

“Hmm.” the BLU Engineer hummed, resting a hand on his chin before glancing over at his boss, “Would that be alright, Miss Pauling?”

Florence adjusted her glasses and nodded. “Usually it wouldn’t, but under these circumstances, I’m sure the Administrator will understand.”

Suddenly, she jumped, remembering something.

“Oh, shit! Guys, we actually need to get going! I need to give the RED Chemist a contract and, like, a thousand other things that have been piling up since I’ve been gone.” She said apologetically, before turning to the RED team members, “Do you two mind if I ride back with you?”

“‘Course not.”

“It’s always a pleasure to have you around, mademoiselle.”

“Okay, great!” the raven said, smoothing down her skirt. She looked over at her companions, tilting her head slightly, “You’ll be fine getting back, right?”

They nodded, and started walking back over to rejoin their teammates. They explained that their employer wouldn’t be coming back with them, and, to her surprise, Chemist pulled away from the rest of the BLUs, walking as fast as they could over to her.

“Hey, I just wanted to ask if you were alright before you left.” The goggle-wearing chemist said, their worry clear in their voice as they laid a hand on her shoulder, “You were pretty close to that powerline too, and I wasn’t sure if you’d gotten injured or not.”

“I’m fine, Chem.” Florence reassured, giving her friend a smile, “My clothes are going to smell like burned cloth and skin for a bit, but that’s it. You got me out of the way in time. Thank you, for that, by the way.”

The Chemist inclined their head, smiling back before turning their attention to the two RED Mercs. “You two get her back safe, understand? I’d hate to have to kill you permanently after all this.” they joked, pointing a ‘stern’ finger at them.

The RED Engineer raised his hands in mock surrender. “Don’t worry, Darl’, she’ll get there right as rain.”

He stepped forward, took the white cowboy hat off his head, and plopped it down onto the Chemist’s, tugging it down gently to secure it.

A few feet away, the other Engineer’s mechanical hand nearly crushed his gun as he shot daggers at his counterpart. 

“Y’ can give me that back when y’all finally show up at the base.” he smirked, “And, iffen yer still up for it, ah think I’ll take ‘ya up on that offer of yours from earlier.”

The Chemist turned a very interesting shade of pink as they tipped the brim of the hat up slightly, revealing that their pupils were blown wide.

“Mnhm, sounds good.” they replied softly, before spinning on their heels and making a beeline for their teammates. 

“I-” Florence started, before cutting herself off, 

“You know what? It’s better if I don’t know what that’s all about.”

You watched as the RED Engineer, Spy, and Miss Pauling drove off, waving to them as best you could.

“Well, ain’t you ‘n them real close.” Engineer said in a tight voice. While it was quite hard to tell where the man was looking most of the time, you got the distinct feeling that he was staring at your new accessory.

“I had to listen to them argue for, like, half the trip.” You replied, “If you come out of that having not murdered them or killed yourself, then it's because you learned to like them.”

“Kinda sounded like you didn’t just like ‘em.” Scout pouted, crossing his arms, “What the hell did youse three get up to?”

“Well let’s see.” You raised your hand, ticking off your fingers as you recounted your joyous road trip shenanigans, “I got the ever loving shit scared out of me by the RED Spy, melted my own corpse, got a cheeseburger so absolutely scrumptious I offered to suck off the RED Engineer,”

“You did what now?!” your Engineer yelped.

“I listened to two fully grown men bicker like toddlers, got regaled with a tale of bread monsters, got my outfit called every French insult under the sun, and passed out from, like, severe malnutrition, probably.” You finished.

“Uh, can we walk that back a couple’a steps, mate?” Sniper asked, flushing pink.

“What, you mean the bread monster? Yeah, no, I didn’t believe it at first either, but Spy swears-”

“Not the bloody bread monster, ya daft tit!” Demo groaned, slapping a hand onto his face, “Why the bleedin’ hell are ya offerin’ t’ give our enemy a gobble?!

“Dear GOD, have they brainwashed you?!” Soldier gasped suddenly, “I swear, I will hunt down each and every one of those communist RED bastards if they so much as touched-”

“Woah, woah, woah!” You rushed to clear up the misconception, “Easy, Sol! No one did anything to me, I promise. I’m still one hundred percent me.”

“Zhen vhy…?” Medic questioned, coughing into his gloves as he trailed off.

“It started as just a joke, honestly. I wasn’t seriously thinking about acting on it at first, but when their Spy accidentally revealed that he was jealous, I started thinking about it a little bit more.” You shrugged, “Plus, well… he’s hot! And he’s nice! And he’s clearly into the idea, so… why not?”

“Why not? Why not?” Spy growled, “Because you are ours! You wear zhe same uniform and kill zhe same men as us! You are a member of BLU, and your standards should be higher zhan zhe first, non, not even zhe first, man who shows even zhe slightest interest in you! Il n’y a aucune raison de se prostituer à ce gros, analphabète Texan!”

You threw your hands up into the air, letting out your own growl of annoyance.

“Look, unless one of you is going to help me take care of my needs when I’m better, I’m walking my ass over to that pretty little base they have!” You stated firmly, crossing your arms and tilting your chin up in a petty, almost defiant way. “Maybe I’ll even proposition the rest of ‘em, I don’t know!”

“Oh my freakin’ GOD!” Scout yelled, “We are literally right here! I don’t know a guy on this team that wouldn’t fuck you if you just asked!”

There was a moment of silence after that sentence, the Bostonian’s words echoing slightly in the empty desert scrubland. The ten of you all stood there, turning red from something that wasn’t the harsh New Mexico sun.

Heavy made a sound first, awkwardly clearing his throat. 

“Scout is- what is word- tactless, but he is also… not wrong.”

“Er, yeah,” Sniper scratched at the back of his neck, “the big guy's got it right. It's just we, uh…”

“Mh muph mmnmnh mhmh.” Pyro finished, talking animatedly with their hands.

“The arsonist is correct.” Spy agreed, still looking a bit flustered under his mask, “This is far from something that is easily brought up.” 

You blinked slowly at your team, absorbing the information. Now, technically, you'd heard this all before, right before you'd died, but hearing it again solidified it in your mind as being real. 

“Well shit.” You swore, planting your hands on your hips, “We all could have been a lot happier ages ago, huh?”

The gathered mercenaries made various sounds of awkward agreement.

“Okay, we definitely need to talk about this, and I mean a real conversation, not all of us standing around like idiots, cooking our brains in the sun while we all blush over the fact that you'd all like a piece of me.” You said, “But I think I'd rather talk in the comfort of our base, wouldn't you all agree?”

Your teammates nodded in agreement, dispersing into their chosen groups as they started back towards your vehicles.

“Yo, Chem, you ridin’ with us?” Scout asked hopefully, hooking his arm beneath yours instinctively as you wobbled slightly. He looked as though he was still feeling a bit hot under the collar, but was doing his very best to keep your conversation casual. 

“Sorry, Scout, but I think I’m gonna pass out soon if I don’t lay down.” you admitted. “I promise I’ll spend some time with you when we get back. Maybe I could help you pack when I’m feeling a bit better?”

“Don’t even worry ‘bout it. You should focus on gettin’ bettah first.” Scout replied, leading you towards Sniper’s campervan, “‘Sides, I already packed up most of my crap, and I think Pyro handled your stuff, so you can just take it easy. Pretty sure the Doc is gonna make you stay in the Medbay, anyway.”

“Scout is correct, mein Chemiker.” Medic piped up, matching your slow, careful stride as he came up beside you, “Now don’t give me zhat face; it vill only be for a few days. I just want to ensure that jou are okay after going through Respawn again in jour state.”

Your expression, which had been one of pouty, light annoyance at being forced into mandatory bedrest in the Medbay, softened a bit. You could hear the genuine concern in the German’s voice, and you knew he had good reason to be. You yourself were worried that something might have gotten messed up, and you knew you were due for another round of supplement shots.

Still, it was going to suck to not be in your own room, surrounded by your familiar comforts. You knew that you’d have a lot of pent up energy by the time you got out.

Huh, actually… you could think of a few fun ways to burn off any excess energy.

“Okay, Doc, I’ll come to my appointment, I promise.” you said, smiling, “But this time, I get to choose the operating room music. You’re not cutting me open to Lili Marlén again.”

“But jou said zhat jou enjoyed it last time! Lale Andersen has zhe voice of ein Engel.” Medic pouted.

“Yeah, but if you keep playing it while you're dissecting my spleen, I’m always going to associate it with getting picked apart like a biology student’s frog.” you explained, “I won’t pick anything too bad, swear on my good beakers!”

“Hmph, I vill hold you to zhat.” the doctor warned teasingly, “Zhere vill be no more ‘Sugar Pie Honey Bunch’ in my operating room.”

“Ugh, you’re so boring.” you teased right back, sticking your tongue out at the man as Scout handed you off to Sniper, who had a fond, lopsided smile on his face. “Hey there, Stretch. Mind helping me to the bed?”

“Not at all, mate.” Sniper replied, laying a warm, sturdy arm across your shoulders, “Not at all.”

Sure enough, after around two weeks of being kept in the Medbay upon your return, your prediction of being just about ready to explode with unreleased energy had proven to be true. Your organs had actually suffered a bit of damage this time around, which had necessitated a longer stay. On top of that, you had needed to move to the new base midway through your treatment, which hadn’t helped things. However, this also meant that Medic could focus on accelerating your healing, and by the time you pranced out of those swinging double doors, you were feeling like your old self again.

Scout and Soldier were waiting there for you, just as they had been on the day you’d failed to come back.

“Heyyyyy, there you are! Freakin’ finally.” Scout whooped, bringing you into a tight hug. You returned it, squeezing back with all your regained strength, “Oof! Yup, you’re bettah alright!”

“Sure am.” you grinned, before releasing the Bostonian to tackle Soldier, who grinned and crushed you to his chest.

“It’s good to have you back in fighting shape, private! Your presence has been missed on the battlefield.” he said, patting you in between your shoulder blades, “Also, I just missed you.”

“I missed you too, Solly.” you replied, knocking your forehead against his helmet gently, “Show me around the base? I saw a bit of it when I Respawned here, but I wasn’t exactly taking in all the finer details.”

“Of course!” Soldier set you down, taking the lead as you, him, and Scout headed off down the hall.

He gave you a tour of the base and the battleground, loudly and excitedly chattering about all the great places to set up ambushes and assaults that this new location provided. You nodded along, adding your own ideas occasionally as you took in your surroundings, inhaling a lungful of warm, apple-scented air for the first time without pain. In a few days, the RED Chemist would be returning from her contract, and you would be returning to the fray, but for now you got to revel in the relative peace of the time between battles.

Eventually, Soldier led you to the barracks, showing you to your room. It had been partially set up; your bed was made and your uniforms had been hung up in your closet, but your casual clothes and personal belongings had been left in their moving boxes. You smiled softly when you flipped open the first box and spotted Pyro’s drawings sitting on top. The firebug had added a few new ones, depicting a healthy you and them frolicking through a shimmering candyland, or petting beautiful unicorns. You snorted with laughter at one of the last ones, which showed you and Pyro sitting aside a golden, fire-breathing dragon, flying high above the base, the arsonist flipping off the RED Spy and Engineer, who were being roasted by the beast.

Speaking of…

“Hey, has anyone seen my hat?” you asked Soldier and Scout, who were peering into one of your, currently empty, terrariums. The two mercenaries glanced at each other.

“Uh, I think Engie took it.” Scout rubbed his chin, “Kept mutterin’ something about the ‘cowboy hat rule.’ He sounded real pissed about it too.”

You tilted your head and frowned. “Cowboy hat rule? What the hell is that?”

“Dunno.” Scout shrugged, “You’d have to ask Hardhat.”

“Maybe I will.” you said, putting the drawings down, “Where is he?”

“The grease monkey is in his workshop!” Soldier said helpfully, “I saw him go in there before I went to wait for you.”

“Perfect,” you smiled, “I’ll be back soon, fellas. Oh, actually, could you two do me a favour?”

The men nodded.

“Tell the others I’d finally like to have that conversation we talked about.” you winked, stepping out the door, “We’ll talk at dinner, yeah?”

Slipping out into the hallway proper, you left two very warm-cheeked mercenaries behind.

“What are the chances we actually score tonight, you think?” Scout asked, biting his lip slightly.

“If Engie doesn’t make ‘em mad?” Soldier grinned, tipping up his helmet slightly, “I’d say I like our odds.”

“God, he bettah not screw dis up.” Scout huffed, folding his arms, “I hope he’s smart enough to just give Chem that hat.”

“Ah ain’t givin’ you that hat.”

The Texan and the Chemist stood almost chest-to-chest, locked in a standoff. Engineer folded his arms and fixed his colleague with the firmest look he could muster, standing absolutely resolute in his decision.

Chemist set their jaw, squinting in annoyance.

“Engie,” they started, voice firm and tone indicating that they were done with this argument, “that hat was a temporary gift. I need to give it back. I don’t know why you’re being such an ass over this, but-”

“Because it ain’t a gift!” the man finally shouted, gritting his teeth.

Chemist reeled back as if they’d been struck, shocked at the man’s outburst. They blinked, then slowly shifted to a more passive stance.

“Okay, clearly I’m missing something here, and it’s making you upset.” they said, backing up a step to give Engineer some much needed space, “Mind filling me in? Does it have something to do with that ‘cowboy hat rule’ Scout mentioned?”

“It has everything to do with that.” Engineer sighed, deflating slightly as his anger returned to a very low simmer, “A cowboy’s hat is considered an extension of his body, a real special article of clothin’. If he puts it on someone’s head, or if someone takes it and puts it on, then that’s basically the same as sayin’ yer real interested in ‘em. The ‘rule’ is basically that if you wear the hat, y’gotta ride the cowboy.”

He folded his arms again, looking into Chemist’s wide eyes. “Him puttin’ that hat on ‘ya like he did and bein’ all flirtatious was almost like him brandin’ you; a real bold move to pull right in front of all of us. You bein’ so friendly ‘n receptive ‘bout it all was just salt in the wound, and now he’s been down right gloatin’ about it ever since we got here!”

Chemist winced, rubbing at the back of their neck. “Aw, jeeze, I’m- I’m sorry, Engie. I didn’t realize how much that might bother you. This has really been eating at you, huh?”

“It has.” he confessed, feeling slightly ashamed by just how much it bothered him, “Ah know yer a grown adult, and ah obviously can’t control what ‘ya do in yer free time, but as ahm sure you’ve figured out, we’re all rather fond of ‘ya, and I ain’t no exception. Seein’ you with him? And then having to work with ‘im these past few days?”

The man shook himself, scowling. “It’s like swallowin’ glass.”

“Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this worked up outside of battle.” the other mercenary said, before reaching out and taking Engineer’s hands into their own, causing the Texan to jolt slightly in surprise, “Look, I might joke around sometimes, but I am one hundred percent loyal to BLU and everyone who’s a part of it. That other Engineer might get me once, but you can have me as many times as you like.” 

Chemist winked, and Engineer’s eyes widened like saucers, his mouth turning dry as cotton as any words he might have intended to say died in his throat. The other BLU leaned forward and planted a gentle kiss on his cheek, and Engineer closed his eyes, burning the sensation into his mind as he swallowed.

“And if you’re still worried,” they whispered into his ear, “you can always leave your mark on me.”

“Careful, Darl’,” he growled lowly, wrapping a hand around their waist, enjoying the feeling of muscle and fat, “you don’t know what yer askin’ for.”

“Oh, I think I do.” they grinned ferally, nipping at the Southerner’s neck. Engineer inhaled sharply and let out a curse, tightening his hold when he felt a warm tongue lave the area lovingly.

Suddenly, the contact was gone, Chemist pulling away with a satisfied grin and leaving the poor Texan stunned.

“You can hang onto the hat for now, but I really do need it back.” they tapped his nose, causing him to blink, “Now, we’re all gonna have that little chat at dinner tonight, so don’t be late.”

And with that, they sauntered right back out the door they'd come through earlier, leaving Engie to try and collect himself. Eventually, he managed to shake himself out of his stupor, a grin coming across his face.

“Well, this ought to be mighty interestin’.”

The conversation at dinner had been, to absolutely no one’s shock, awkward as all hell to begin with.

Once everyone had gotten a plate of food in front of them to stare at when things got too uncomfortable, you started laying out basic ground rules. You stressed, through your many stutters, the importance of boundaries, consent and communication, and you made it very clear that if anyone was at all uncomfortable with what you were proposing, then they were more than welcome to voice that without judgement. You were firm as you warned that if you caught wind of anyone teasing or pressuring another teammate about this was going to lose any and all privileges, as well as getting a face full of acid at any given time. 

“Any objections or questions so far?” you asked, taking a bite of your dinner, which was macaroni and cheese.

“If ve’re really going to to zhis, I vould like to propose regular STD tests und use of condoms.” Medic said after a few moments of silence passed in the room, folding his hands in front of him, “Zhis isn’t exactly a closed relationship ve’re talking about here, und I for one vould feel a lot better vith zhat reassurance, zhough I know jou’re all clean as of right now.”

Everyone made noises of agreement. No one wanted to take that risk.

“Do we have to do stuff with everyone? ‘Cause, uh, I definitely ain’t cool with that.” Scout asked, rubbing his arm in discomfort.

“No, of course not.” you reassured, laying a comforting hand over his. “You’re free to be with whoever you want, and you certainly aren’t going to be forced into a relationship.”

Scout relaxed, some of the tension leaving his body. Around the table, a few others seemed to relax as well.

“We will have to keep zhis a well-kept secret. If zhe Administrator finds out, zhen I suspect we will be punished in some cruel and unusual manner.” Spy added, resting his chin on one hand.

“Yeah, she’s real good at that.” Soldier mumbled, still sore over the fact that he’d be tricked and threatened into breaking off the best friendship he’d ever had, one that still hadn’t recovered.

“So no flirting, or anything else, on the battlefield or during work hours.” you nodded, “We’ll save it for contracts, ceasefires, and late night meet ups, I suppose.”

Sniper raised his hand slightly, swallowing his mouthful of food. “And how exactly are we plannin’ on deciding who gets to do what, and when?”

“Scheduling.” you replied, having pondered that very same question, “We’ll come up with a schedule. You guys can draw straws or wrestle or something. I’ll leave how the order gets decided up to you.”

“Battle’s comin’ up in a few days.” Demo said, taking a sip of his Scrumpy, “How’s about we use our performances to decide?”

“Heavy likes that idea,” the large Russian man nodded, “it means I will be first.”

“Hey, woah, back it up, tons ‘a fun!” Scout protested, jabbing his fork in the other’s direction, “You musta hit yer head or somethin, cause everyone knows I’m gonna be the one comin’ out on top, as usual.”

“You? Do something aside from running your mouth and getting shot full of bullets? Please, don’t make me laugh.” Spy snarked, picking at his dinner while side-eying the Bostonian.

“Don’t get too cocky, Spook. God knows yer gonna end up on the hot end of the enemy Pyro’s flamethrower more often than not.” Sniper teased, “Meanwhile, I’ll be rackin’ up kills left ‘n right.”

“Hey Py, ah’ll share mah time if y’ team up with me.” Engineer offered, smirking when the arsonist mumbled in cheerful agreement, giving the Southerner a fistbump.

“Ooh, ve’re making alliances?” Medic perked up, “Heavy, team up with me, ja?”

“конечно, доктор.” 

“Oye, that ain’t fair!” Demo shouted, banging his fist down on the table, “Soldier, yer with me!”

“Affirmative!” the American saluted, “We are going to crush each and every one of your pansy asses!”

“This is bullshit!” Scout yipped, realizing that his teammates were absolutely willing to partner up if it meant having a better shot at first pick, “Yo, Snipes, we teamin’ up?”

“Bettah you then Spy.” the marksman leaned over the table and shook hands with the runner. “Alright, jackrabbit, let’s do this.”

“Feelin’ left out, Spy?” Engineer asked, reaching for his cup of sweet tea.

“Not at all.” came the Frenchman’s smooth reply, “I am confident enough in my abilities to not feel zhe need to rely on zhe help of another to win. Unlike you, toymaker, I am not willing to share my lovers.”

“Keep a good hold on that confidence ‘a yers.” the Texan chuckled, “You’ll need somethin’ t’ help repair yer shattered pride once you come dead last.”

You took another bite of your macaroni, enjoying the growing sense of… friendly competition. The next battle was going to be a bloodbath, and you absolutely could not wait to see it.

And, of course, you were very excited to see who came out as the victor.

The sound of gunfire and dying men was like music to your ears as you finally returned to the battlefield. Your limbs ached from the lack of use, and you could certainly feel the strain now, but you welcomed the pain, grinning into your mask as you lobbed another vial at a passing Scout, your smile widening as you snickered at his howls of pain.

Your team was dominating the battlefield today, each member striving to get the most amount of kills. The energy of the battle was even a little bit lighter than usual today, likely due to the fact that the mystery of the Respawn malfunction had finally been solved on the Sunday before the battle.

Apparently, according to Engineer, the issue had been caused by too many units being active at once, which all but confirmed your theory of other teams existing out in the world. It had nothing to do with you specifically, you’d simply been the unlucky bastard who had come through at the boiling point. The information had come as a huge relief, even if the answer had left you with quite a few questions. You would have to ask Miss Pauling about it the next time she came around the base, though you doubted you’d get any real answers. Something told you that, if the other teams had never been mentioned to any of you before, then you weren’t supposed to know about them.

Actually, maybe you should just keep your mouth shut this time. Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction wouldn’t be enough to bring you back, if the Administrator decided to disable your Respawn capability.

Shaking your head, you dashed forward, side-stepping the sizzling corpse at your feet. Running across the dry Texas grass, you threw yourself against the side of the nearest building, a smaller, ramshackle barn at the edge of the treeline. From where you stood, you managed to catch a glimpse of Pyro, Soldier, and Engineer taking a new vantage point to set up a sentry, before the arsonist suddenly spun around, blasting a plume of flame at your helmeted friend. You winced, watching as the RED Spy’s illusion melted away, along with his skin.

Well, you supposed you wouldn’t be seeing too much of him today. That was a shame; the Frenchman could be surprisingly funny, when he wanted to be. You’d hoped to get a chance to tease him and see if you could make him blush again, or perhaps some part of you wanted to provide your own Spy with an easy kill.

Just as you started off towards your teammates, ready to help them secure the nearest point, you saw something whip over your head. Before you knew it, your arms were suddenly pinned at your sides, and you’d been tugged backwards, landing on your rump with a sharp yelp of pain. The white cowboy hat that you’d managed to get back from Engineer, which had been sitting snugly on your head, slipped down over your eyes as you were dragged back towards the trees, leaving you blind.

You panicked for a moment, struggling against the tight rope. However, you paused upon hearing a familiar voice, chills running up your spine, both from fear and from pleasure. A gloved hand plucked the hat off your head, the mechanical movement clicking softly in your ear. You tilted your head back, looking up at the man who was holding the lasso that had left you so defenseless.

“Hello there, Darl’.” The RED Engineer purred, leaning against the trunk of one of the apple trees, “Ready to make good on that offer?”

Annnnd that wraps up Respawn Malfunction! Again, big thanks to @pinkypiechar for reading along with me in the wee hours of the morning, keeping me motivated and catching any mistakes I made. You a real one pookie. <3

[calder]

In every mainline Fallout game except for New Vegas, players can earn the loyalty of a dog known as “Dogmeat.” As part of the main quest of Fallout 4, Dogmeat assists in tracking down the antagonist, even if the player has never encountered him before. When you leave Kellogg’s home, Nick simply starts talking about Dogmeat as if he’s a known quantity.

Perhaps related to this quirk of the world, Dogmeat is first named in this game when the clairvoyant Mama Murphy recognizes him and addresses him by name. The game’s UI calls him “DOG” until he is recognized by Valentine or Murphy. It seems clear that this german shepherd is somehow an independent agent with a good reputation, or something.

Dogmeat does not have a loyalty quest associated with him, which is how the player would earn the other companions’ perks. However, upon finding Astoundingly Awesome Tales #9 within the Institute, Dogmeat becomes more resistant to damage. While this isn’t coherent or conclusive evidence of Dogmeat being a synth, it’s plainly prompting the audience to consider that idea. In light of these factors, his origins have been fiercely debated among the community.

The skeptics and “hard sci-fi” fans out there would have you believe that he’s merely a famous stray dog who solves crimes. But I believe there's something more remarkable at work.

There's a section in the Fallout 2 instruction book called the Vault Dweller's Memoirs, where the player character of the first game recounts what canonically happened. Due to Fallout’s famously terrible companion AI, if you travelled to Mariposa with Dogmeat, he would consistently run into the force fields and get vaporized. So, in the Memoirs, we learn that this is exactly what became of Dogmeat Prime, in canon. He loyally sprinted into a wall of solid light, and disappeared. What if our buddy simply awoke in a new, confusing place?

In Fallout 2, Dogmeat must be found at the Cafe of Broken Dreams, which is explicitly a liminal space. It appears randomly to travellers in the desert. The NPCs within are frozen in time, such as a young version of President Tandi, who mentions that Ian went to “the Abbey,” an area cut from the game. To gain Dogmeat’s trust, the Chosen One must equip the Vault Dweller’s V-13 jumpsuit, which Dogmeat recognizes as belonging to his dead master. You can also attack him to spawn Mad Max, who claims ownership of the dog. Max fits the description of Dogmeat's original owner given in Fallout.

There’s also the “puppies” perk in Fallout 3, which enables you to restore Dogmeat, in the event of his death. “Dogmeat’s puppy” inherits his base and ref ids. In other words, they ARE the same NPC, just renamed. So, the way this actually articulates is that whenever Dogmeat dies in combat, you can find him waiting for you back at Vault 101. In practice, it’s almost Bombadilian.

Lastly, please consider the following developer context.

In June of 2021, the dog who performed Dogmeat’s motion capture and voice for Fallout 4 passed away. A statue of her was placed outside of every Vault in the China-exclusive sequel to Fallout Shelter. She still watches over each player.

River's owner, developer Joel Burgess, honored her in a brief thread about her involvement in the game, and shared much about his thought process and design goals while leading the character’s development. The Dogmeat project changed course early on, after Mr. Joel saw a new member of the art team gathering references of snarling German Shepherds. This motivated him to bring River into the studio, so the artists and developers could spend time with her.

He wanted to steer the team away from viewing Dogmeat as a weapon, and towards viewing him as a friend. Everything special about Dogmeat was inspired by River. For example, whenever you travel with Dogmeat, he’s constantly running ahead of you to scout for danger, then turning to wait for you. This was inspired by River’s consistent behavior on long walks. The only way they were able to motivate River to bark for recordings was by separating her from Joel while he waited in the next room. Reading the thread, it’s very clear that he hoped Dogmeat would make players feel safe, encouraging them to explore, and to wonder. In his closing thoughts, he said the following:

-Joel Burgess

Mr. Joel felt it was important to express that the ambiguity of Dogmeat’s origin in Fallout 4 was deliberately built into his presentation. He also felt it was important that you know Dogmeat loves you. Dogmeat was designed, on every level, to reflect the audience’s inspirations, and to empower their curiosity.

The true lore of Dogmeat is a rorschach test. The only “right” answer is to pursue whatever captures your imagination.

[croquettish]

I... I need to talk about the talking dog. The one Henry talks to when he gets drunk with the Cumans.

Honestly this whole conversation is wonderful and either this dog is actually prophetic or Henry's subconscious is.

The dog speaks of Henry's goal. Naturally, Henry assumes this is about the booze he's looking for at this point:

Yes, the dog reassures him, he's also on the right path for the moonshine, but this is about more than that. This is about his life goal.

What's my goal, Henry asks, and the dog asks him to answer the question himself, giving us, the player, several options to choose from:

Now, this is interesting. Any of these are plausible, especially depending on how you play Henry. Maybe he's hell-bent on his quest for vengeance and sees little else in front of him. Maybe he's just living in the moment, and right now all he can think about is his hope of reaching more the moonshine. He can sidestep the question entirely. Or...

He can say that his goal is just to be loved.

I won't get into how amazing that line read is (thank you, Tom McKay, hats off to you) and instead return to our friend, the prophetic dog:

What I love about this answer is that it could apply to any of the answers that Henry chooses (aside from maybe the part where alcohol is a noble ambition):

The moonshine is, in fact, right in front of him! But he has to be careful because he is trashed out of his mind.

His vengeance is not too far off either at this point. Pretty soon, Toth will be dead. But he has to be careful for obvious reasons (swords are sharp).

And most importantly, shortly after this point, his romance with Hans begins. Love isn't far away either, just like how someone loving Henry isn't far off. Hans may as well be right in front of him in the timeline. But he has to be careful, because the path of their romance is fraught with danger for both of them.

Henry drunkenly assures the dog that he'll be careful and not to worry, and the dog tells him (in Hungarian) to follow his nose to reach his goal. Henry doesn't speak Hungarian until he gets a few more drinks in him, so this does sort of kind of imply that this dog actually is prophetic and knows that gay sex is in Henry's future. Which of course Vasko later confirms to be definitely true, because dogs are very important in Hungarian culture. Again, this is where it gets interesting.

We already know how much Henry cares about Mutt, so much so that Hans ends up changing the way he talks about Mutt to accommodate that care. Henry repeatedly throughout the game is insistent on how he serves his lord, Hans Capon, through thick and fucking thin, showcasing a truly insane amount of loyalty considering some of the shit Hans throws at him in the sequence that starts the divorce arc.

There's some pretty obvious symbolism going on here. To Hans, Henry isn't just a peasant or retainer or even just his squire. He's so much more. So much, in fact, that Hans ends up treating him like a person. Henry, too, holds a special meaning in Hans' life just as dogs do in Hungarian culture on account of their loyalty.

If the Hussite Wars take Hans from us they should bury Henry in the same grave I'm js.

Anyway my point is that this dog literally prophecies the Hansry relationship in more ways than one before we can even start flirting with Hans!!!

[taliesin-the-bored]

A few things which are “canon” somewhere for people who are worried they’re stretching it too far

Arthur was killed by a giant cat.* 

Arthur killed the cat.

Arthur didn’t fight the cat. Kay did.

Kay and Bedivere use salmon as taxis. 

Lucan is half giant, half lion. (This Lucan, Lucano in the original Italian, is evil and not related to Bedivere). 

King Arthur raided the land of the dead.

The human knight Caradoc Briefbras has three half siblings: a dog, a horse, and a pig.

A large portion of Arthur’s troops was killed a while before Badon by his nephew’s attack ravens in self-defense. Arthur and said nephew were playing chess at the time and neither did much to stop it. [Edit: before Badon, not Camlann, which has apparently already happened despite Arthur and Mordred being alive]

Merlin retired peacefully and went to live in the countryside with his also-magic sister Ganieda, Taliesin, and another of their friends. [Edited]

Wherever Arthur walks, plants die. They don’t grow back for years.

Arthur had a spunky (half?) brother who died in battle after making a mysterious oath.

Dagonet is more or less able to run the kingdom when Arthur is gone. His biggest error is overspending on mercenaries.

Guinevere has an evil almost identical twin half-sister.

Hector beat up all the best knights except for Galahad while possessed by a demon.

Gawain plays tennis.

Gawain has used a chessboard as a weapon.

Near the start of his reign, Arthur left Lot in charge of the kingdom and went on a quest with a sassy parrot.

Gawain or Galahad succeeded Arthur as king.** 

*Whether or not this is canon anywhere is a somewhat meta matter. André de Coutance complains that the story that Chapalu/Cath Palug killed King Arthur and conquered England is a slanderous lie while also implying it's widely circulated. He's saying that it's canon in other places and also that it's wrong. As far as I know, no other text mentions a tradition where the cat kills the king.

**Not in different texts--Bhalbhuaidh is either Irish Gawain or Irish Galahad.

[hankacadew]

A copy/paste of a very early morning Reddit essay on Hans’ influence in Henry, aka why I’m a die hard supporter of Hans despite his flaws. Please forgive all typos and grammar issues, it’s literally 3am for me.

Alrighty. Here you have Henry, a survivor fresh from Skalitz. A probable young teenager (I’m in my thirties, all teens are young) who just saw his parents, his girlfriend and his home all taken away from him in one horrible day. He’s fixated on revenge and THE SWORD (a representation of his dead Pa’s honor - getting it back to Sir Dadzig). At this point, his identity is wrapped up in all dead things - his dead family, dead home and people to make dead. Dead dead dead.

Enter a young noble brat who to Henry’s knowledge has suffered no real tragedy but is clearly in need of a good trouncing. His first encounter has Hans cast question on his honor and who he is as a man (see the meeting where Hans butts in). Still sore from this meeting and focused on his quest for the dead, Henry encounters the brat once again while training.

(I’ll be honest, I reloaded a save in my first playthrough just to make sure I beat Hans at bow and sword because my Henry was not gonna let some brat beat him regardless of the lack of player skill)

Hans taunts stir up a bunch of negative emotion targeted at the living - Henry may feel strongly but he doesn’t want Hans dead. He just wants to punch the stupid smirk off his face and after besting him at bow and sword (or after getting his ass kicked by the noble who’s been in training for both most of this life) he finally gets a chance to that evening.

Henry outright ignores what he’s been taught his entire life about the superiority of nobles. Here’s a chance to do something, to vent out all the emotions that are surely beating around in his head, finally a target! My Henry kicked Hans’ ass fair and square until Hanush spectacularly arrives on scene to address the madness and restore a semblance of normal standards.

Henry has no choice but to do what Hanush orders him and clearly the brat isn’t happy either. Cue Henry trotting behind Hans like a somewhat grumpy dog (I think it’s fair to argue canonically, Henry is poorly trained and lacking a horse). Amazingly, the good noble brat gives Henry an unprovoked apology that addresses the proper behavior of a peasant with a noble but has Hans admit his fault. The brat turns out to be someone who has a sense of honor, someone who treats Henry as a little more like an equal than every ounce of training has taught Hans about their relative status.

This is the first time ingame that Henry has a chance ti open up somewhat about Skalitz to someone without the same open wounds and how he feels and Hans is pretty decent about it (if still kind of a dick, classic Hans). They get drunk together and Henry has some real human contact.

Cue the next morning of a much more friendly rivalry, culminating in Hans being dead wrong about boar hunting. He disappears and Henry once again has lost someone….BUT he finds him again. THIS TIME he’s able to do something despite it being terrifying as fuck and he still has very little training. Henry is still bitterly angry and disappointed that he ran away at Skalitz and Hans is the first person he saves.

For the very first time since his world was torn apart, Henry has achieved something very real by himself and Hans is damn grateful. At this point, Hans becomes a living symbol that Henry has a very real impact on the world. Hans would likely be dead without Henry at this point.

I think it’s also worth noting that when Henry finds Hans again, Hans is being brave and defiant and quick witted (I absolutely adore the horrible insults he’s giving to the Cumans). This is the person that Henry rescues. My personal interpretation is that this is the moment that Henry imprints on Hans and the point where Henry is elevated above the rank of peasant in Hans’ eyes.

Henry gets Hans home and is recognized as a HERO by Hanush and the rest of Rattay for saving their bratty lord. He’s gone from being the coward of Skalitz (in his eyes, see how often he talks about not running again). This is a shift back towards the living being a reason for being.

This rescue marks the point where Henry stops being a passive object to be done unto and starts being an active participant influencing the world around him. He receives a horse, he embarks on missions to help people. He’s empowering himself and Hans is the springboard upon which he started this path. He’s still obsessed with revenge but it’s no longer the only thing in his life.

When Hans recovers, he pretty much immediately seeks out Henry for the bath shenanigans. Cue a night of fun and the first time in what will probably be a long series of times humoring Capon’s bullshit (I love all the eye rolling you can hear in Henry’s voice in both games). Next To Godliness is a FUN quest. It’s not about murder or revenge - it’s just you and Hans playing together and getting in trouble together.

This time in the meeting with Hanush, you and Hans were working together, not fighting against each other. It’s a whole shift from the first yelling session. Once again, Hanush assigns you to work together but both of you approach this very differently to the first time, you’re a team this time. It’s also another goal you’re set with Hans that isn’t all about Skalitz and the sword.

This is the quest that unlocks the Hans DLC and you know that’s a whole bunch of fun quests working with Hans that ends up with Henry, tooooootally coincidentally of course, getting a love letter from Hans. I do consider these main quests since you’re required to do them to complete the game (funny how it’s the only required DLC *coughcough* Hansry *coughcough*).

I forgot to mention Capon’s Champion but you can technically skip this one. I do see it as an important part of the relationship too - Henry represents Hans and also gives Hans the opportunity to look good to Hanush.

The next time you see Hans in an official main quest is Night Raid. Once again, you have a goal that is about the living and Hans is right there besides Henry. Once again, Henry saves his noble arse - reinforcing how important Henry is to him. Sure the mission is a failure but Henry gets Hans out alive, again. Henry is a real player on this stage.

Throughout the first game, Hans is a consistent and positive (if occasionally irritating) presence in Henry’s life. He plays a significant role in Henry taking the wounds of Skalitz and rebuilding himself into a real man, a warrior - someone in control of their fate. Hans is his friend, his lord - a living symbol of being alive and living life - it’s commented on in the interviews how Hans brings out the lighter side of Henry.

End the first game.

[karlachismylife]

Yeah, but what if you're a character in a game they like to play? A pre-existing townie in a life simulator that helps them reconnect with normal life outside deployment? The one they somehow always tend to romance in every savefile, courting you through the clumsy mechanics?

Soap would absolutely spam interactions, interrupting any of the tasks you are trying to do. What do you mean your relatonship progress starts going down after he chose "tell a flirty joke" twenty times in a row? Why are you falling out of the conversation and going to water your plants or play on the computer? Does he have to delete it out of the game for you to stop getting distracted? Hmph. If you were a real person, you would be already swooning at his jokes, that he knows for sure. C'mon, bonnie, don't leave the lot for work! If you accept his proposition to move in, you'll never need to work a day in your pixel life! He also has a fuckton of savefiles, because he wants to try every single thing the game has to offer, but turns out mastering all 158 skills and 73 careers isn't that easy in one go. He still goes after you in each and every savefile. What can he say? You're just the prettiest of them all.

Gaz has the strategy nailed down. He knows your pre-set preferences and makes sure his character caters to them (good thing you seem to be generally into him, all he needs to do is add your favourite colour to his outfit, and it suits hm too!), he can calculate the shortest route to have a romantic meter above your head in one conversation. Juggling the interactions with ease, never making the mistake to bore or upset you. He knows you'll have the best family tree in that game, and he'll make it happen. Also has quite a few savefiles, but only because he enjoys the storytelling aspect and always prepares some elaborate plot, filled with drama. Takes inspiration from the hundreds of episodes of different TV shows he manages to watch, also plays with mods to add as much flavour to the game as possible.

Price tries to court you like he would a real person. Inviting your character out, putting a lot of thought into which conversation theme choose out of what game offers, bringing you gifts. Unfortunately for him, the game isn't registering his actions as actually trying to woo you... so he just takes the gloves off and fucking cheats your relationship status. His in-game self needs a pretty partner to look after the pack of three dogs, named Ghost, Gaz and Soap respectively. He's not above cheating your babies (whether your character carries them or it's the science baby option) to be triplets. Only starts new savefiles when you both grow old and pass away in the previous one, maybe because he can't bring himself to live out your kids' lives (they should be their own little virtual people and decide for themselves), or maybe because he doesn't understand that he actually can keep playing even if his character's dead.

Ghost starts with adding himself to your family and setting your relationship status as spouses. Oh, you have some in-game pathetic weird looking prick as your pre-set partner/husband? Too bad, evicted, deleted from the game, forgotten. If he is in the mood, he won't straight up delete that poor bloke, but will set up a pool with no ladder and drown him in it or lock him in a separate room to starve. Nothing you should see, though, you'll be plenty busy drowning yourself, not in a pool, but in his affection. Doesn't spam interactions, but really enjoys just watching you go about your day and making it so that his character takes care of your needs - if you start to get hungry, he's already slamming the "call to meal" button on the giant ribs plate his in-game self just roasted. Probably has one savefile where he keeps cheating any death back.

Or are you a cute tamagochi pocket friend/pet they enjoy taking care of, because having a real pet is impossible with their lifestyle? An NPC with an everyday quest of collecting produce in a chill farm simulator? A weekly boss they lose fight to as much times as they can afford to, just to see your opening cutscene replay over and over? A companion whose personal quest they have memorized line by line, but never skip dialogue to hear your voice and look at every expression you make?

Whoever you are, what if one day something in your code changes and you suddenly start recognizing them?

[vysogotaofcorvo]

HOW TO BE A DOG, part 1.

1. Anecdote of the Pig by Tory Adkisson

2. Background: The Wounded Hound manner of John Emms / Top Text: Dinosaur by Richard Siken / Bottom Text: Assassin's Apprentice by Robin Hobb

3. Background: Deimos by Dragan Bibin / Text: Assassin's Quest by Robin Hobb

4. Dog Thoughts by Anna Haifisch

5. Assassin's Aprentice by Robin Hobb

6. Background: The Poor Dog (The Shepherd's Grave) by Edwin Landseer / Top Text: Let Dead Dogs Lie by Silas Denver Melvin / Bottom Text: Assassin's Quest by Robin Hobb

7. Background: Deimos by Dragan Bibin / Text: Assassin's Quest by Robin Hobb

8. Deimos by Dragan Bibin

9. Assassin's Quest by Robin Hobb

[somethingstrangeinpavalonmeadow]

www.gamespot.com/ps3/action/pavalonmeadow/review.html

6.2 - Fair

Something Strange in Pavalon Meadow is an unbearably tense modern fairy-tale with aesthetics reminiscent of Japanese horror games such as Silent Hill, Resident Evil, and Ringu. It’s packed with beautifully filthy (and just plain beautiful) environments and presents an intriguing mystery.

Unfortunately, its clunky controls, un-intuitive side quests, and glaring bugs make it nigh unplayable.

There’s nothing standing there, right…?

When picturing fantasy elves, most people would imagine a slim, beautiful character with flowing blonde hair and a crown weaved from thin wisps of gold. You’re probably conjuring images of long white robes, glittering chalices, and tall, ethereal beauties.

You’d be better off looking for those guys somewhere around Middle Earth. You won’t find them in the nauseating world of Pavalon Meadow.

RealYou’s Something Strange in Pavalon Meadow offers a modern, unglamorous spin on the typical fairy tale setting. Lush forests and magical kingdoms are juxtapositioned with ramshackle homes and run-down intersections. Here, fairies and satyrs are just as likely to haunt old corner stores (the kind that have bars over their windows) as a glittering wishing pool. Sure, you do eventually venture out of the titular Pavalon Meadow, but even the affluent districts within later areas are permeated with a layer of grime and age. The visuals are without a doubt Pavalon Meadow’s greatest strength.

The game begins with an eerie still of its two protagonists: Anxious shut-in Riley, and plucky witch Yevine. Despite both characters’ presence, only Riley can be selected for now. With Yevine being unlocked later, we’ll be sticking with the former for consistency’s sake.

Our two unlucky heroes.

As Riley, you learn that your uncle has gone missing. An eerie phone call implies that it’s more than the average errand-run. You’ll spend your first hour or so learning the ropes via requests doled out by your neighbors. This is the first big issue: This tutorial is agonizingly long. Even the most basic tasks– I’m talking about a simple sprint, people– have a dedicated quest meant to teach them to players. A word of advice, RealYou: Gamers don’t need their hands held. Most of us can figure out which button makes our character jump!

The afternoon is stuffed with so many chores that I began to wonder if this was truly a horror game. After locating a dog belonging to one of Riley’s older relatives, right as I’d reached the end of my patience with the lengthy tutorial, the park was suddenly bathed in orange– the sun was beginning to go down. Heading back into my own trailer, I couldn’t help but notice how quickly the sun was sinking. Then, Riley’s mother asked him to head down to the store on one more errand.

It was dark out. The intro was over. The real game was finally kicking off.

If the afternoon felt like it was stretching itself out for way too long, the night felt even longer. In fact, that very well may have been the case: the game operates on a constant clock, but said clock was pretty inconsistent. In fact, I’m fairly certain it was randomized entirely! As you’ll soon come to understand, it’s hard to say whether it’s due to a coding error, or if it’s intentional. At any rate, the swap could be considered a more frequent, lower-stakes version of Silent Hill’s infamous otherworldly transformation. NPCs and enemies have their own schedules and rotate out depending on the time of day. We’ll touch on that later.

After cautiously roaming the dead silent street for a few minutes, we are next introduced to arguably the most important mechanic in the game. Dungeons and Dragons nerds will be familiar with the “darkvision” ability that many of its supernatural races possess, including elves. It’s just what it sounds like; the power to see clear as day in the dark. Sounds like the quickest way to kill any tension in a horror scenario, doesn’t it? Keeping things dark and stormy is taught in Building Tension 101.

Oh, that’s not ominous.

Well, there’s a catch to this too-good-to-be-true ability. I had mentioned that an elf like Riley can see in the dark. But we aren’t elves. That’s right: in an admittedly unique twist, the characters are able to perceive things that the players themselves cannot. This is used surprisingly well – these otherwise pace-halting sequences don’t occur so often that they become annoying and they also aren’t so sparse that they feel pointless. While we’re discussing gameplay, however, there’s a pretty massive elephant in the room that desperately needs addressing.

The controls!

Many old survival horror games are rather infamous for their iconic “tank” controls. They’re clunky, yes, but they can be adjusted to with time. I can’t say the same for Pavalon Meadow. Ostensibly it plays just like any current-gen, over-the-shoulder horror joint. But controlling Riley? The more accurate word for it is “puppeteering”. For some ungodly reason, there is a noticeable delay when pushing him in any direction, as if he’s connected to a string. It can be immensely frustrating when dying to a group of enemies because he didn’t want to respond to your inputs quickly enough. At first, I wondered if my TV or my console might be the cause of the input lag, but trying it out on my backup setup yielded the same results. Gunplay is just as difficult, but the game implies that Riley isn’t very experienced with firearms, so I can forgive this a little more. In fact, the shaky aim and harsh recoil noticeably improved as the game progressed, meaning that this feature is, I think, intentional. I can’t say whether the same is true when it comes to the movement, but either way it’s seriously going to affect players’ enjoyment of the game.

While traversing the area, however much Riley fights you on it, you’ll want to note the various NPCs floating around each area during both day and night. Speaking with and assisting as many of your neighbors as possible, while not vital to unraveling the central mystery, can make all the difference when it comes to surviving upcoming enemy encounters. About halfway through your adventure, the difficulty spike is sudden and intense. If you haven’t been bothering to upgrade your arsenal, you’re going to feel it. You’ll want to make use of the helpful items you receive in return for completing side quests before you miss their window. Skipping out on the sidework won’t make the game impossible per se, but it gets pretty darn close.

Vital as they are, far too many of these chores travel down the “high risk, low reward” route. If you’re only in this for the main story, or perhaps you simply don’t care about these people’s problems (you monster!), fulfilling some of these requests straight up isn’t worth it.

This had better be good.

Let’s examine one of these detours to illustrate what I mean. One of the many NPCs in need of assistance is Riley’s neighbor, a fairy named Lanmei. She wanders the trailer park all afternoon and the forest at night offering useful healing spells. Speak with her every day and she’ll eventually mention missing a friend who suddenly moved away. Seems simple, right? Just find another fairy, report back to your neighbor, collect your reward, and move onto the next good deed. If only things were that simple! Not only are you given absolutely no hint as to where to look– or even what the boy looks like– but you may also be caught off-guard by the hidden time limit. Yes, nearly every quest has a limited window to complete. It’s possible to fail quests before even discovering them, and some characters can face consequences of varying severity. The poor girl’s fate upon failure is particularly disturbing. Guess how I found that out?

One reloaded save later I was led nearly as far from the park as you can get, to what might just be the most difficult area in the game. It’s a mansion, and its surroundings are swarming with some of Pavalon Meadow’s toughest baddies. The awkward puppet-like controls are more noticeable than ever as you try to guide your gangly elf through throngs of monsters and hostile NPCs that were all blessed with eagle eyes. The oft-uncooperative stealth mechanic made moving from room to room even more of a slog. And the worst part? Assuming you don’t give up before sneaking into the boy’s room, receiving his memento for Lanmei, sneaking back out, and traveling all the way back to the park, your reward for all that trouble is laughable: A few high potions and a couple thousand gold (An amount that won’t get you much in this world).

This sadly isn’t anywhere near the only example of the game’s lackluster side dishes, but it was one of the most frustrating. I don’t need things to be a cakewalk, but this would have been much more doable if players had been given more direction, and if the reward was proportional to the herculean effort it took to complete it. I need more than the sense of a job well done to make my work feel worthwhile!

Hmm...

Rushed side quests aren’t Pavalon Meadow’s only big problem. Throughout the entire game, beautifully rendered models suffer from severe clipping, especially long hair. Too many times, I was taken out of a frightening moment upon noticing Riley’s hair poking out of his back like angry little teeth, and Yevine’s long hair was almost always sticking through her midsection like an apron. Aside from the visual complaints, I encountered some pretty glaring bugs fairly often. Honestly, it had me wondering if there was any kind of quality control at RealYou. The most annoying of all was a consistent crash when traveling between areas too fast, a side-effect of mashing the X button while waiting for Riley to slowly careen into the door, causing me to desperately wish for some sort of quicksave button.

Most bizarrely, I would occasionally encounter an unnamed elf lurking in particularly dark corners. At first, I assumed he was another one of Riley’s hallucinations (it’s a long story) or maybe a rare NPC encounter. But he was impossible to interact with and not a single other character mentioned anyone like him. He’d pop up in just about any area, even during the day, but whatever it seemed to be leading up to never came to fruition. It seemed to me that he was part of a scrapped story line. I also wondered if I was simply overthinking a creepy easter egg, aside from the fact that his presence really messed up the FPS and would occasionally even cause some textures to frankly freak out. Honestly, with the slipshod presentation, the possibilities are endless.

Sloppy coding, to be sure, but it’ll certainly make a great urban legend someday. Maybe the kiddies fifteen years from now will be swearing that the mysterious elf NPC was appearing in their other games?

I want to love Pavalon Meadow. Its opening captivated me right away, the darkvision mechanic is delightfully stressful, and the beauty of its environments cannot be overstated. There are so many nooks and crannies that I left out, not only as a surprise for future players, but to keep this review from getting any longer than it already is. On the other hand, it seems that RealYou is putting too much of their focus on the glossy exterior. If you begin to to dig into the meat of it, not even very deeply, it’s clear that there’s still lots of work to do. As of writing, the negatives outweigh the positives in a big way. RealYou clearly hoped to invoke Grimm’s fairy tales held up in a modern light, but unfortunately, it just isn’t fun.

Something Strange in Pavalon Meadow is set to release this holiday season.

(written by @dbdonryo, 'lanmei'/ringabell the fairy belonging to her as well)