#ready to write and queue up a bunch of stuff this weekend <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[killedkennys]

             like   /   reply   for   a   short   starter  ?

[the-music-keeper]

What's on the to-do list this weekend?

Some pretty cool things, actually. Not that I have a bunch of lame assignments most of the time, but I have some pretty unique opportunities to get ready for this weekend.

Accompanying

1. Another recording. (I did this, and then I went to a game night.)

Theory

2. Write down some questions for potential theory faculty candidates. (It's like the School of Music director search, but for theory. I'll also be taking some notes for my future reference, to get some idea of what interviews as a musicology graduate might be like.)

3. Do some thinking for our continued discussion on curricula. (This class has somehow morphed into a discussion of how we would make the School of Music more accessible to new musicians. I love it.)

4. Write down some summarizing points for a meeting with the School of Music antiracism task force. (Our professor asked some of us to come talk to the committee about what we've been discussing in class.)

Composition

5. Write a discussion post. (I did go ahead and do the assignment for March 5 as well!)

6. Compose things. (I've given up picking ahead of time which thing I'll work on because I always end up picking something that ends up not being what I work on.)

Practice

7. Ravel sonatine. (Same as last week -- memorize first movement, finish learning second movement. Gah.)

8. Bach prelude/fugue. (I have some articulation work to do with the fugue. The prelude I just need to get into my fingers.)

9. Shostakovich preludes. (Poor Shosty's been neglected.)

10. Mompou canzion. (I ordered my own copy of the Mompou works so I don't have to use copies anymore. I haven't heard squat from the distribution company and I ordered the music last week. Here we go again!)

Other Stuff

11. Fill the queue! (Done!)

12. Word exec meeting. (Complete!)

13. Fill out some questionnaires. (As part of a study.)

14. Figure out what the heck is happening with reference letters. (Three applications submitted. I'm still waiting on one more letter.)

As you can see, I have no improv assignment this weekend. Let's hope it stays that way -- I have a sneaky feeling I'm going to get an email late tomorrow.

[castiel-left-his-mark-on-me]

Heyy. How can one increase notes on an original post? Idk if it sounds whiny or not, but i try to post things that may be appealing but i dont get notes. And its a little disappointing to me. I used to post stuff about spn but i kinda stop cause no one likes it and if j2m would post a pic, i would try to post it but you have 4 other blogs posting it... I want to be thst blog that is very interactive but i can't when i dont have followers who interacts back! And i LOVE the followers that i have!

Hey Kay,

It doesn’t sound whiny at all– don’t worry. And I don’t know if my answer will help or not– but I hope it does since you’re always so sweet to me.

When it comes to Tumblr, I find that less is usually more. When I first started out, I attempted to do what you’re doing now and tried to appeal to what I thought people wanted … the only problem with that is: what they wanted– they already had. The only thing they didn’t have yet, was me– pure and simple. As soon as I stopped caring about notes and getting people to reblog my posts, that’s when they started doing so more and more… because I was finally being myself.

Now, that’s not to say every post I make is some magical note-gaining phenomenon. Of course not. I still make a bunch of “flop” posts that only ever get a few notes no matter how many times I reblog it. Some posts just don’t appeal to the masses, but that’s just the way it goes. Ultimately, if you are yourself and post the things that make you laugh, make you think–make you feel strongly in any way, shape or form … others will usually empathize and agree. Sometimes that’s only 40 or 50 others… somtimes it’s 4 to 5 thousand. That just depends…

So many factors come into how a post takes off: time of day, day of the week, holidays, goings-on in other fandoms, popular tags, the general mood of the fandom at that time an so on. Like right now for example, many of the posts I made are not being heavily reblogged because 1: it’s the weekend, 2: it’s a holiday weekend (at least in the US) 3: SPN is still on hiatus and 4: the fandom as a whole is usually less active on Tumblr during this time of year because it’s at a slow point in the show and interesecting with the break in the con season. So no matter how well I tag, how many times I self-reblog, how much feeling I put into my posts, not many people will care because not many of my followers are even on right now. It’s not anyone’s fault and I am not “posting poorly” … it’s just the way it is right now.

Now, when all those factors change … when the show comes back on and the cons start up again and the guys begin tweeting a lot more over the next few months, you need to make sure that you got your tags ready (tagging the actors’ names and episode numbers are usually the best) and you need to figure out when your followers are normally online. Mine tend to be on around 8am, 1pm and 6pm my time; and I found that out by setting up my queue to post a few things every couple of hours, and just seeing when the most people started reblogging from me– and those were the general times that I found. Yours may be different of course, and it’ll always change with the more followers you get.

And speaking of followers, I found that they usually come with the reblogs. If I have a post that gets over 2 hundred notes, then I’ll usually get at least 5-10 more followers with it. And now, since I have a good amount of followers, more will just follow me here and there throughout the day. I honestly never expected to get as many followers as I have. I thought I’d get a few hundred and max out … but with writing fic and keeping active, talking to my followers as much as I can, being positive (as much as possible… I know I’ve been a Debbie Downer lately) and trying to be helpful whenever someone comes to me with a question, or if they just need a listening ear … I have found that that has brought more and more people over to my little trash blog. Some of them aren’t even Cockles shippers… but I have somehow made a good impression on them so they have stuck around, and I could not be more grateful to them for being here with me.

All in all, it does take some work to gain a large following, but it takes passion and honesty most of all. Be passionate about what you post– enjoy it for yourself, make yourself laugh and soon enough, others will be laughing with you.

I hope that helped in some way, Kay. I love you to bits!!!

Good luck!

[canaryatlaw]

so, lots to unpack here. first of all, to establish setting, I’m currently sitting in LAX (if that doesn’t mean anything to you, their airport in Los Angeles) waiting for my flight back to Chicago that is gonna take off at 1:10 am and arrive at 7:33 am (two hour time difference accounted for). So I figured now is probably the most logical time to make this post. Luckily I can control exactly when I’ll get tired enough to actually sleep because I’m dependent on xanax and melatonin now, isn’t that fun!! haha. so like, most of today was cool of course, and I’m gonna get there, but I feel like I should first establish that I feel profoundly sad right now, though I can’t tell if it’s from the big event and me seeing my friends being over and having going back to real life which now consists of FINALS, or from this nostalgia I keep having for a life I’ve never had, or if it’s because I was reading Captain Canary fan fiction on the flight here (from San Jose to LA) which now just makes me really fucking sad because all I can think is WE’LL NEVER HAVE THIS. and these posts are generally good at helping me unpack my feelings so I figured I’d write this while I have the time and internet connection (good for LAX for actually offering free internet, unlike the pretending heathens in Chicago). so. here we go. I had my alarm set for 9:15 but ended up waking up around 8:45 (because shared hotel room) and started getting ready. I was cosplaying today so I did my make up and then changed into my full white canary garb (which, omg, I forgot is SO uncomfortable), doing my best to make sure where Caity signed it back in March remained untouched. A little after ten we made our way to the convention center and pretty much immediately headed to Caity’s booth because where else are we gonna go? We continued to pretend to all be VIPs (victimless crime, really) and a guy who had rather elaborate Citizen Steel (or whatever the hell we decided was Nate’s superhero codename) cosplay on who was in Brandon’s line right next to us made eye contact with me and was like “hey captain!” which was amusing haha and we took a picture together when I finished with Caity. I don’t really remember exactly what was said at each conversation because we frequented her booth, but it was good, I was just sad when I saw the picture and I looked less than stellar. I had like, super been overheating trying to keep the big coat on (I like the cosplay a lot better with the coat) and trying to make sure my hair and make up don’t run from sweat because my head overheats really easily for some reason so I didn’t look totally awesome and you can actually see my stomach hanging out just a tiny bit between the top and pants in the picture and like, I wanted to vomit when I saw it and then had a bunch of super triggering and totally inappropriate thoughts about it for the rest of the day because my fucking mind can’t be like “hey maybe you should eat less junk food” it has to immediately be like “you should just stop eating again” because fuck being neurotypical am I rite? (I am fine, if you’re concerned right now, but thank you for your concern). We did something to take up some time (I don’t remember) then ended up going back to her because I was like okay I need better photos with my white canary stuff on so I did that and they came out much better. At some point after that I leached onto my friends VIP status and used it to cut the line at Justin Hartley’s table because fuck waiting in line, and I saw him and TOTALLY flipped out, I was like “I love Smallville so much but I started it late after the show ended and I liked it so much but I thought I was never going to get to meet you because it was over BUT NOW YOU’RE HERE AND I LOVE YOUR GREEN ARROW SO MUCH YOU’RE MY FAVORITE” that’s basically what I said lol, to his credit he took it well and was kind and gentlemanly, so that was nice. From there we got some food at some point (just the overpriced shit from the convention center, there was a really amusing exchange where my friend attempted to figure out if the hot dog on the menu came with a bun or not because apparently in the Philippines they come on a stick sometimes and the ladies serving were very taken aback) then I went to Italia Ricci’s booth, and if you don’t know who that is it’s because she’s not *really* an Arrowverse actor (she was silver banshee on a few episodes of Supergirl) but is actually Robbie Amell’s wife so they generally do a joint booth thing. I wanted to see her because she’s on Designated Survivor, which I really love haha and she was super sweet, I said I was a big 24 fan from back in the day (DS stars Kiefer Sutherland) and she was like “oh yeah I’ve never seen it, he’s always teasing me about it because he’s like you’re the only person who hasn’t seen it!!”) which was amusing haha and then I met Juliana Harkavy and got a selfie with her, and she was totally awesome as well and just a fantastic person. After that those of us who weren’t doing the photo ops got in line for the legends panel, which then happened at 2:45. I live tweeted pretty much the whole thing, so if you have specific questions feel free to check that out over on twitter @RachelEiley, but nothing terribly spoilerish was said, someone asked if they could have any person in the DC universe, either existing in the Arrowverse or not yet onto the waverider to fill Stein’s spot who would it be, and Caity was basically like “well I know who it is and I’m very happy about it so I’m not gonna say anything else” lol which has prompted a fair amount of speculation as to who that means. In the room it seemed like everyone was thinking she meant Nyssa, but it’s not very much info to speculate on so I guess we’ll have to see. the other amusing exchange was when someone asked if they weren’t an actor what job they’d have an Caity was like “astronaut” and Brandon was like “do you know math?” which is obviously funnier than one would normally observe it to be when you consider they were in 400 Days together, a movie where they both played astronauts (and were each other’s romantic interests). Caity responded that it was a “dream” question, so she could say whatever she wanted. When the panel was over around 3:30 we ran back to Caity’s table, but the queue was full and the staff guy was like “sorry we had to cut it off here” and wouldn’t let anyone else in but I was like haha no fuck that shit if we all stand here and be annoying we’ll get on the line which, unsurprisingly, worked very well and we actually got on the gold/platinum VIP line and were like one of the first people to actually see her lol so that was a good plan!! But we got a few group selfies in that look really awesome and got to say goodbye to her (which is when the exchange about me saying maybe I’ll do Clexacon if I don’t flunk all my finals and her responding with my law school class rank happened). Everyone else was pretty much shutting things down at that point, so we hung out for a little bit and regrouped before heading out. We went to In-N-Out because I had mentioned I’d never had it before, and the place was absurdly busy, so we ended up eating at the tables outside despite it being like 50 degrees out, but it was nice and fun, a good ending to being with my friends for a few days and just had a good time with them. We were basically across the street from the airport at that point so I was dropped off afterwards and we said our goodbyes. I ended up chilling out at the gate for a while doing quimbee videos, which I’ll probably go back to if I have any time between finishing writing this and boarding the plane, for a while and doing that, then got on the plane and finished the first sudoku puzzle really quickly, then fucking up the next one so badly I couldn’t even correct my way out of it (which like, never happens) that I just gave up and read Captain Canary fan fiction for the rest of the flight, which of course got me feeling very invested in the ship, and then I just felt sad and couldn’t quite figure out why. But the plane landed, got off on the gate and was directed to a little bus thing to get to another terminal, in which a cute pilot gave me his seat, and then I went to the other terminal, found the gate, found a airplane pillow that wasn’t entirely made out of polyester, and planted myself at the gate until the plan boards and resolved to write this in the mean time, and here we are. Now, further analysis on the sad thing- so, obviously, I’ve been looking forward to this weekend for a while now and it being over and me having to leave my friends and of course not seeing my favorite celebrity for at least a few months would reasonably make any person feeling sad, I feel like it’s not that simple. I mean, the fact that I’m going back to finals certainly doesn’t help, and I do have some anxiety about that despite doing this exact schtick every semester with my head going “but what if this time you actually suck at tests not like all the last times????” which of course is always fun. but there’s also that whole nostalgia thing that’s got me itching for something. It came out of course because of being around actors who are living cool lives and such, and links back to that thing I was talking about but not actually mentioning a little while back that had be thinking some of those things, and mostly just imagining that kind of life for myself and feeling wholly unfulfilled with the life I’ve chosen at being a lawyer and it wasn’t supposed to happen this way, dammit!!! I can’t exactly graduate law school and decide to go road trip out to Hollywood and become a waitress while auditioning, that would be a massive waste of time, effort, and money, and there is still of course stuff I want to do as a lawyer that has me not wanting to give up. I just want both, which I don’t think is possible, and that fucking sucks. The thing, anyway, was auditioning for a new show in development (that I’ll leave unnamed for now because despite not hearing anything they haven’t filled the part yet) that was taking casting videos and self-tapes through one of the casting sites I made a profile on at some point during college and was receiving emails from about it. And, this is subjective of course, but I felt like I really nailed the audition (and even if I did there’s no reason to think that would make it likely that I would get what is undoubtedly going to be a highly competed for part and one of which I do not fit the typical character description for), and I couldn’t help but imagine how much fun it would be, even if some of the stuff about the show that’s being said now (mainly how dark it is) makes me think it probably wouldn’t be the best idea anyway (my parents, for sure, would have a freaking fit over it). But that just leaves me here- going back to law school to finish my finals and leaving my friends and favorite actors behind and I just feel profoundly SAD over it all despite having a really fun and all around amazing weekend (it doesn’t help that my friends are going to continue hanging out, but this doesn’t really feel like FOMO). idk what else there is to write about that. it just...is. and I don’t think any amount of writing about that will change it. so I guess I’ll go back to reading my sad fan fiction? I don’t quite feel like going back to studying for bus orgs being that it’s 12:30 am (here, anyway, at home where I’ll be in 5 hours it’s 2:30 am) and now I just feel tired and sad after writing all of that. blah. this is a really shitty feeling and I don’t know what to do about it. there’s no quick fixes for this, obviously. maybe if I fall asleep on the plane (I probably will at some point) I’ll wake up in a better mood, and hopefully can get some more sleep during the day before I have to go to my review session and then make up class at 4 pm. So I guess this is me signing off, though feeling not very happy about all of it. Goodnight babes. Happy Monday. 

[ianb0hen]

sooooooooooo purcon3 let’s do this

so we actually got there on thursday (james blunt was on our flight in like wtf????) and waited around to check in and explored what was around the hotel food wise so then went upstairs to get ready to get ready for little mix. then we went downstairs to ask at the desk where to buy a ticket for the trams and we saw rob checking in lol we had to point out where the lifts were cos that boy was not gonna go in the right direction.

anyways little mix and the vamps were fucking lit the crowd was so loud they were v good. so we went back and slept day 1 done

day 2 we explored some more got some pretzels it was chill. it was also really warm i was like wtf this isn’t what i signed up for. and then we like queued to register which only took like an hour and got our tickets to rob’s concert. we went upstairs got changed, did rob’s concert. ngl the crowd pissed me off. like a whole bunch of people were talking over him while he spoke and while he sang it was really rude???? i didn’t get why you would pay to go and not even listen to him. but i kept accidentally making eye contact with gil while i was singing along and i got embarrassed lmao.

day 3 first thing we did was matt’s lounge which got me so nervous i wish i recorded it on my phone but i thought it would be like rogue where you kept your bags somewhere else so i didn’t think i would have been able to but oh well. so matt answered some questions and like it went silent and he like looked at me and i put my hand up to ask something and he said “oh good i was going to pick on your because you were just sat there smiling” which i know i do i just can’t help it listening to him talk about his ideas and what he has to say makes me really happy. so yeah i asked what his favourite song in moana is and he got sooooooooo happy cos i know he loves that movie and he went on about it and was telling the other people who hadn’t seen it that they had to see it. he said there might be something cool happening next season, it’s not set in stone but if it happens it’s something he thinks everyone needs right now. and that something cool is gonna happen in the first part of the comic con panel and if there’s a livestream people should watch it. he asked who had travelled to be here and we said we were from england and he was like “where?” and we were like south west and he was like “but where?” and we were like bristol and he was like “but where?” and we were like farmer country and he talked about how he wants to move out of la eventually and go to oregon and set up a farm and be completely self sufficient food-wise and how he’s planted stuff in his garden and he really wants macklin to be surrounded by nature i thought that was so interesting and cute 

so then after that there were panels and tbh i can’t really remember a lot but so photos i got two pictures with matt i got a kiss on the cheek (in which my eyes are closed and i got to retake the day after) i still got a pic of it tho and i kinda prefer it but i didn’t like the print out of it i just like the photo of the print so probably still a good move and then i wanted a full body hug without my face in it and i had to show him a pic on my phone and my hands were shaking so much when i tried to open it he was like ‘you’re okay it’s okay’. like i fr don’t know what happened to me this con cos at asylum 16 i was so chill but he made me so nervous and emotional at this one??? it was so weird. but yeah so we did that and then i did my rich and he said he liked my outfit and i was rly surprised i was like ‘OH! thank you!” and we did judging faces at the camera and i got a hug with rob because i don’t have a photo with him at all so yay. 

then we got food and then did karaoke which was LIT we were second row and gil like posed for my camera (it’s my sister’s but i was taking the pics at that point) twice and rob smiled at us and matt gave us the mic during boulevard of broken dreams like and i was looking down and when i looked up at him he was already looking at me and smiling i wish i had taken pictures but it made me freeze up. but yeah i got some great photos 

day 4 we had our r2m pictures first and we gave them sunglasses and were like “pretend you’re cool” and rich was like “pretend????? we are cool” and we were like ok dude and then we were like so you know in kings on con when you’re in the cupboard and matt’s like “rich is right you’re fuck up rob we want you gone!!” can we do that and after we took it they were like that’s so good and then i had my matt retakes and i actually bought another one with him in the morning lmao whatever i’m trash i’ve accepted it and i got one of us holding hands too because my last one rogue didn’t INCLUDE OUR HANDS IN THE PIC WYD but yeah so that was that it was then just panels for the rest of the day for me my sister had some other pics with rich and gil but i was done. the panels were odd, the questions were kinda generic and i felt like rich was lowkey done lmao and like i don’t think some of the jokes landed with the audience idk it felt like a v different atmosphere to the crowds in england. but yeah i also wish people would ask matt more questions???? i feel like he barely gets asked anything at r2m panels and it makes me kinda sad lol cos he’s actually really smart and heartfelt i wish he had the chance to speak more.

but anyways autos happened and okay i felt really emotional i wrote out a letter for matt in the queue just basically thanking him for coming to conventions and his openess with the fans and like thanking him for using his platform in the way that he does and the way he’s so positive. i told him in it that i don’t actually watch the show anymore but i come to the cons because of him mainly it was stuff i wish i could say to him but i thought it would be more articulate if i wrote it down so. i felt like i knew i was gonna cry on him so i wanted to do his auto last to kinda prepare myself more but he didn’t have a queue so we had to do him first :) so we went i had him sign my photo and like i thanked him for coming and i handed it to him and i could see my hands shake and i like felt my face crumple and i welled up and i was like “sorry” and he was like “no don’t cry” and i was like “i don’t know why i’m crying sorry” and he was like “as long as they’re happy tears yeah” and i was like yeah and thanked him again and like while we queued for gil like i still felt myself tearing up i never actually cried but like i just felt on the verge for like the whole of gil and rich’s queue lmao and i like saw him read it while we were queuing and i was like oh god no i want to take it back no and so my sister got her gil auto and then we did rich’s and he said i photograph really well and that i’m a very pretty person and omg rich is just so calming like to be around??? like matt made me feel so like emotional this weekend and rich was just like so chill and calm. so then we did rob and i had him sign my photo and we talked to him about his concert on friday then i had him write out my tattoo for me and when i said what it was he smiled and he looked idk so genuine when he looked at me and thanked me for coming so then i um and ah over getting a second matt auto mainly because i didn’t want my last interaction with him to be crying on him but then i thought i still might cry on him again if i got another so i left it and we hung about.

so then matt finishes autos and he leaves the room, he looks at me and i waved bye to him and he like stopped and came over and said “i read your letter. thank you so much for doing that for me. I will definitely keep coming back to cons for you” and he said to my sister “i don’t know if you feel the same way” and she was like “she wouldn’t let me read it” which was true lmao and he said it was so sweet and he would be coming back and my sister said about asylum and he said he should be due for the one next year and that we had to pester wayne to get him rob and rich to come and then we hugged him and that was that. i’m so happy he did that it literally made my weekend. 

then the closing ceremony happened and gil sang music of the night and i died and yeah we all sang the musical version of carry on my wayward son it was sad and made me emo that was the last episode of supernatural that i actually watched so (bar matt’s most recent one). then we went to get food and my sister had to go up and get the ice cream sandwich she ordered and all the guests turned up we were like ffs and then they ordered and said bye when we left and then we waited like 10 mins before leaving cos we didn’t wanna look like we were following them lmao.

yeah i was a great weekend, it was kinda odd cos it didn’t actually feel like it was happening while it was??? and it doesn’t actually feel like it happened as i write this??? like i’m sad that it’s over but also in a hollow way????? but also matt’s friend on twitter screenshotted my tweets and matt liked the tweet so he saw me saying mark sheppard is a shady ass which is

so yeah day 5 we explored but we couldn’t really appreciate it cos it was fucking 31 degrees and then we flew home 

i have work tomorrow i don’t want to go i just want to lie in bed and be sad about matt not being my best friend. anyways that’s everything i think i love rich i love rob and i love matt very much i hope i get to see him again next year 

[mbrl]

a giant update!

 posted first here bc yolo

roadmap-

the stuff i bought from forever 21 today c:

other stuff i did today!

closing the chapter to january (the worst month i’ve had to deal with for awhile?)

things i look forward to in the future: march, april, may, summer.

oh my god i got really cute things from forever 21!! finally ordered a white/light grey windbreaker with swordfish pattern all over it for $20. also got white dolphin shorts (like dolphin style, not literal dolphins) with rainbow stripes on the side. and a dark-ish pink/blush off the shoulder dress with ties on the arm.. it’s kind of weird but was on sale for valentines day & idk how off the shoulder styles look on me... we’ll see ig! it’s really cute and flowy. and another dress, but maroon and long sleeve and floral, kind of in a baby doll fit. it’s lowkey mockneck so the reviews are like help i can’t fit my head through but .. hopefully it fits! there’s some really small lace parts on the sleeve :). and a white flowy vneck top with a bunch of pink flowers on it and a tie in the front. bell-ish sleeves with lace on the upper shoulders and parts of the back! oo and a light weight grey hoodie with kinda cheesy but still cool cool-toned floral embroidery on the hood. it’s p unique but the quality probably sucks and isn’t soft. lastly a peach mid-maxi skirt that has some sheer parts for the bottom half!! it’s like those ballet rehearsal skirts style. 

okay clearly i really like dresses and i think i’m going to start wearing more pink/color because i’m totally over winter in general and how drab that season is. honestly just light warm colors that kind of are reminiscent of furniture fabric/granny aesthetic is totally my vibe. like i want to look like i don’t give a fuck, but not in an emo way but more in a.... idk. i actually don’t know how to explicate my vibe but its like laid back and californian and whatever. hypebeast/grandma/passionate napper/hiker/couch appearance :) also i’m really happy to just sorta word dump and get my thoughts out again because they’re finally good vibes and i feel super excited to share it with my ... laptop screen & whoever’s reading! like getting outta funks is so nice and lowkey reminiscent of a few months ago when i finally got over this stupid boy

anyway okay. today i woke up at 9-10ish because i slept at 3am yesterday :( i felt really weird (ig you can describe as anxious) because of something i did, and i tried to do that thing where i imagined trump spouting all the self hate/angsty vibes i was telling myself, but i didn’t really purge the angst all that much. also i had taken a nap after school + drank boba the day before... (and 2 days before then i slept at 2 bc i had half a cup of green tea in the evening...) also i got angry at myself that i couldn’t sleep because it’s just annoying. it’s 12 am right now and i didn’t take any naps today but i’ll definitely be content & ready to sleep after i right this. so after i woke up, i spent like a few hours cleaning out my room-- i fixed the organization of my desk drawers so it could be more efficient and less cluttered. also the night before when i couldn’t sleep, i hung up all my clothes so that was nice. then in the early afternoon, i finished math hw (literally had 2 problems left, one of which i didn’t know how to do....) and did some japan bowl studying! i also started chatting hella people to ask for interest regarding a possible speaker event that intersections (my social justice club) is hosting... it’s about asian american health disparities, so i got 9 total clubs interested??? now i gotta email the presenter to update them but i’ll do that tomorrow. then from 3-5pm i had a really fun japan bowl meeting that was super untoxic and just productive. this year we have less frequent meetings, but i think we spend the biweekly meetings with... healthier vibes. it’s a lot more fun, and honestly no amount of shame expedites self-studying better than just having a safe and nice environment. we did some practice rounds & i knew the answers to some questions!!! it was fun. i’ll definitely be studying more ahahah this week’s meeting was kind of a throw away but it was good bonding? we also did reading practice.

then i went on tumblr/online shopped/youtubed for 2 hours or smtg..then finished bio hw (3 sections of notes!!!!) while watching gaming streams after eating dinner. then chilled and took a shower, went on tumblr some more, and here i am now! i feel like i didn’t do much but whatever. it’s okay to be leisurely and like.. i just have a worksheet for aplac and a few emails to write tmrw, and i guess that’s it? chill weekend.

okay queue the giant cbt paragraphs:

january was a giant mess mainly because of tasp application... it’s hard for me to take the experiences that i know are invaluable in building my character, and trying to relay that in a effective, understandable way. it made me feel secure because it was almost like i was selling myself/commodifying my experiences, but i was doing it in the course of a 3-4 weeks. it was annoying when i got the diction and syntax just how i wanted it, only for my editor to be like no this is weird. it’s weird to have someone who doesn’t know you try to word your experiences and push you into a template. thank god said editor actually got fired and isn’t my college counselor-- now i have this really tall and goofy friendly white guy (who majored in sociology so you can imagine he’s not the typical yt).

another thing was just friend stuff, but not in a way that points a finger specifically to anyone, it’s just... junior year will literally suck the life out of people and push them to extremes. for me, when i needed support from my friends, it’s not like i could receive it-- partly this is just normal though because normally i don’t confide in them anyway because my life is pretty easy anyway. most of the time/100% of the time i’m initiating the how-are-you type thing and listening to rants and giving advice or playing devil’s advocate or trying to empathize and validate. and when i needed someone to do that for me, i didn’t know how to ask for it? and my friends wouldn’t have the capacity to care for me bc i don’t think they actually know the background of my problems that well. i mean only i really know that and that’s fine bc it’s not really practical for other people to take the time to (1) understand and, (2) care... also it’s not worth it to me to expend the emotional labor explaining to someone. so this really isn’t to sound self sacrificing, it’s just that i consciously don’t expect my friends to be my therapist, but since i have amateur skills & pretty decent emotional intelligence, i’m glad to take that role for my friends. this just blows up in my face every once in awhile when my own problems resurface or smtg and i just turn inward and whatever. thank god it’s over!!! that was basically my january.

someone i kinda know also had something really egregious happen to them. and i can’t talk about it bc i’m making this post public bc i want a record of this on my studyblr blog. anyway i was alone in helping this person with the egregious thing because it’s not the kind of thing i can share (it’s not my story) and also sharing the information can force people to do things that ... wouldn’t be favorable. the stress from that time made me really upset for a few days and i was so angry that the egregious thing even happened, and i’m definitely not the person to get angry.

also had to get my physical for track from this gross pervert of a doctor who uses a stethoscope to touch breasts :\ and i felt really disgusting and gross and it happened and just yuck so cringe ijaijsf don’t wnat to talk about it

ugh okay another thing that i recently came to realize is that fat is really underrated in attractiveness because flab plausibly makes for super comfortable cuddling? basically other than in the context of a fatphobic society (and this isn’t to thin shame), there’s nothing definitively more beautiful about sharp angles or hard muscles compared to soft curves? someone i sit next to in a class wears hoodies and sweatpants almost everyday and they just look like a pillow/perfect big spoon. okay but at the same time food angst and body image stuff is lowkey resurfacing, but in a really lowkey way against myself :(. part of the reason why i got angry last night at myself was because i didn’t like how i drank boba at such a late time, and how i was basically on a sugar high at 2am. so i’m trying to limit my processed food intake as a means of control. i’m pretty safe from relapsing into fullblown AN but a lot of shame associated with certain foods is still there. also i still dislike my thighs and back flab and i didn’t run hard enough to be ready for track and i feel really out of shape :(

a few days ago i went volunteering and was utterly exhausted and not in the mood of being understanding. i don’t think i was being impatient, but i was being more curt than usual when working with somebody. i was really annoyed and dwelling on my irritation and letting it consume me. on the car ride home, i was thinking through all the reasons why i could be so pissy, so i had to think through all this angst and grossness in january. i was always hoping that i was just pmsing when i was feeling especially down during that month, but i think the stress made me skip that month :\ so idk where my period or pms went but goddamn ig i was just especially moody that month if hormones can’t explain it lol

during january, intersections was passed and that was such a big victory. but i didn’t really care about it. i honestly didn’t even want to do anything for it or hope that i’d go well. part of insecurity for me is that i doubt myself so much (sUBCONSCIOUSLY, which is especially annoying bc idk what i actually feel half the time) that i get frustrated easily.

but the stress of the summer app and distancing myself from the stressful things has allowed me to recover, and i’m really happy and my normal self (which i’m really happy about!!!) i’ve literally been writing for 40 min so i’m going to start doing lists for the remaining stuff i said i’d write about

things i look forward to!

feb: planning for intersections, week of break = cramming for jbowl, light school work load

march: starting my club, leadership conference i’m part of, almost time for jbowl

april: jbowl!, spring break, api healthcare disparities presentation?

may: giant speaker event with an alumnus possibly?

summer: lead a free program for low income students around where i live? there’s a lotta red tape and logistics that come with this one though... will be thinking about it for a long time.

okay i’m sleepy bye