#rewatching the end where the views go up and he's just crying at all the praise had me constantly like 😭 I CAN SAVE HIM YOU GUYS

[accidentally-in-fictional-love]

Maybe I’m Not Scared of What You’re Thinking Of - Simon Lynch/Reader

Prompt: Don't you know what you mean to me?

Warnings: Gender-neutral reader, no use of Y/N, friends to lovers, slow burn, growing friendship, angst, hurt/comfort, brief canon-related mention of violence, kissing, fully clothed grinding, kindness and praise makes Simon cry ;w;

Wordcount: 14270

Summary: It's a complete coincidence that you meet him, and even though he's a little weird and there's an anger in him fueled by pain, you know that you might be all he needs to be defused.

Notes: It's Simon's turn! I have a lot of feelings about Simon!! As soon as I saw his episode my heart went out to him a lot, he's so me-coded (aside from y'know the homicide lmao) and he really only needed someone to believe in him, so here's a whole ton of words about you doing just that QwQ I've also decided that this will be his own continued world like I did with Joshua, so any future stuff will take place during or after this~

You really regret accepting this blind date after the 30th straight minute comes and goes, your date still talking about himself on his side of the table.

He came highly recommended from your mother, the son of a friend of a friend of a co-worker, and it’s clear she did no actual research on him since you have nothing in common. You just keep smiling and sipping at your drink of choice, his words falling on deathly bored ears as he keeps trying to pitch his business to you, something about a private server for paying customers to get his advice or some dumb shit you haven’t seen a million times before. Sometimes you wished you’d been born in the past when things were simpler, because any idiot with a podcast and access to the internet always came to the same conclusion that they could be the Next Great Thing, and this guy definitely does not have what it takes.

He’s about to write down his contact info so you can check out his server right now, right in the middle of your date, his food cold in front of him as he just keeps choosing to talk instead of eat, and you just stare at him tearing off the paper to hand to you as you pray your souring expression isn’t giving you away too much. ‘Uh, sorry, I don’t have Facsimile,’ you lie as he holds it out to you, but it doesn’t dissuade him as he then says it’s super easy to sign up, he’ll help you. ‘No, I mean I’m not one for all these chatting apps, I prefer some good, old fashioned talking,’ you continue, another lie although not quite as much, for while you do prefer talking face to face, hence the date, you had so many chat apps on your phone to keep in contact with everyone that they had their own page on your home screen.

‘It’ll be worth it, trust me, I already have a bunch of guys giving their own presentations on my server, I’ll even give you a free week’s trial to check everything out, whattaya say?’ he asks, clearly more interested in expanding his brand than making any sort of actual connection with you, and this time you let your face scrunch up in pained awkwardness.

‘Yeah, it’s gunna have to be a no, sorry,’ you cringe, and his smile slowly falls as he crumples up the paper and stuffs it inside his expensive name brand jacket, obviously bought to show off to everyone how ‘successful’ he was.

‘Fine, no it’s fine, I just thought you were smarter than that,’ he grumbles just on the border of passive aggressively, your eyebrows rising as your opinion of him somehow manages to drop even lower. ‘You figure you give someone a chance to get in on the ground floor of something because you think you’re vibing, but I guess it was just me.’

‘Uh…’

‘How is everything?’ The small voice draws your attention from him as you look up to your savior, your eyes just going higher as the person towers over you, even when he’s hunched over a bit to take up as little space as possible as his co-workers pass by him to get to the other tables. Your mouth falls open a little bit as your eyes meet, long bangs just barely swept to the side to reveal dark brown irises that almost appear black focusing only on you as he ignores your date, and you forget to answer as the man across from you answers for you.

‘We’re doing great, just fantastic, thanks buddy,’ he growls, now eating his food as quickly as he can so he can get away from you. ‘If you could hurry up and grab the checks though that would be even better.’

‘Is there anything else you’d like? More water, or a refill?’ He completely ignores the other man as he focuses on you, which pisses him off even more, and you join in on that as you smile politely up at him.

‘Everything’s perfect, although I could go for a refill, thank you,’ you tell him, and he gives you a nod without once acknowledging your date, who’s already gotten out his wallet and is looking up the prices of the bar on his phone; he pulls out enough to cover the meal but passes over his beer and the tax, because that’s too much work to calculate it even with his phone in hand, and he gets up and sarcastically wishes you a nice life as he bails, the silence a nice change as you continue eating alone. Your server returns a short while later with a new glass and the checks, and when he sees the money left behind he puts two and two together.

‘I take it I’m not getting a tip from him,’ he figures, and you laugh into your glass, almost spilling the liquid all over the table as you try not to choke.

‘I doubt you would’ve anyway, he was a prick,’ you admit, which makes him smile, and you decide his smile is actually quite nice as he starts clearing the other half of the table. ‘Hey, uh, would you wanna sit with me? Just for a little, it’s kinda embarrassing to eat alone after that disaster.’

He glances at the freshly vacant seat before looking around, and he leans over to lower his voice, his eyes on the table as he speaks. ‘I should really get back to work,’ he whispers, but you gesture in front of you in a welcoming manner, and he follows your hands before sitting and hiding his apron behind his arms, the nametag of Simon just barely peeking out before it’s covered up.

You flash him another smile before getting back to your lunch, it’s amazing how listening to someone that incredibly annoying can really kill the appetite in the moment, and he tries not to watch you as he makes sure he’s not about to get in trouble. You finish off your first glass and start on the second since you did ask him for it, even if it was an excuse to ignore your date initially, and you catch the way his eyes watch your exposed throat as you tilt your head back; unlike the other person sitting there previously you don’t feel objectified, or like you were a piece of meat to devour after the sell was over. It’s refreshing, and you offer him your plate in case he might want something to eat before his break, but he refuses, of course he would.

He keeps his eye on his watch but never gets up, and as you pop a fry into your mouth you can’t help but want to talk to him as he meets your eye and looks away immediately after for the third time in a row. ‘You work here long?’ you ask to start, and it’s a lame start, but just the fact that you wanna hear about him has him leaning forward in his seat before he controls himself, sits back again.

‘Just a few years, this is actually my second job, I mainly work with Data Waste,’ he tells you, his voice getting away from him for a moment before he lowers it again; it’s obvious that no one asks about him often, just this small amount of attention enough to make his face light up in a way you don't see often anymore, at least not when you talk about work related things.

‘So, you waste all the data?’ you joke, and he leans in again, the plate pushed aside as he fights to keep his voice under control.

‘No, it’s really interesting actually, I get access to all the trashed data in the city, sift through it to find anything incriminating or important, things that were lost or gotten rid of, delete anything useless; my co-workers think it’s pretty boring, but you can’t imagine the things I’ve seen on some people.’ He stops, realizing he’s about to violate his NDA, and you chuckle as he looks around again like he expects his boss from his other job to suddenly appear and fire him.

‘Sounds exciting, you ever see anything on me?’ you can’t help but ask as you lean in as well, and there’s a slight dusting of pink on his cheeks as he sits back again.

‘I dunno, I’d need to look up your name,’ he answers honestly, and you smirk at his reply.

‘Pretty smooth way to ask for it,’ you tell him, and when he stutters out that he wasn’t you just laugh and grab the check so you can see your total. You pull out your card so you can pay, and you’re in the middle of reaching for your ex-date’s check as well so you can cover the rest when he stops you.

‘I’ve got it, you don’t have to deal with trash like him, that’s my job,’ he jokes back, and when he hands you his card reader you make sure to leave a large tip from the both of you. You hand it back and his eyes go wide, he can’t accept this, but you just flash him your most charming smile and hand him one of your business cards from your wallet, something you printed up years ago but rarely got to hand out since most people used electronic cards nowadays.

‘It’s for making me laugh, today would’ve been pretty shitty otherwise,’ you admit as you stand, and when he stands with you you can see that he really is tall. 

‘Okay, well… if I find anything I’ll give you a call, then? Just so you know what people are deleting about you on the internet,’ he offers, and you hold out your hand to shake his as your expressions softens.

‘I’d like that.’

It’s been a week and a half since your lunch date gone wrong but also surprisingly gone right again, and you’re at home working on a project when an unknown number lights up your phone. You frown at it before clicking into the chat and seeing a bunch of strange messages before the stranger clears things up.

ur sqky clean no trash on u sry it took so long was busy this is simon sry from the bar from last week sry

You smile fondly as you type in a quick reply, your phone lighting up again as he answers fast, he must’ve been waiting with baited breath on the other side. You add his number to your phone and answer back, another quick reply getting you to decide to take a snack break as you bring your phone to the kitchen. The more you chat the more he sees that he doesn’t have to use shorthand, his words lengthening and becoming more proper until you’re wondering if maybe he’s trying to find the perfect mix that won’t annoy you. Eventually he settles on a mix like you do, and you get comfy on the couch with your snack as you turn on the TV and find something to watch.

It’s hard to find things sometimes, you’ve had this older model for years and it isn’t compatible with every streaming platform’s updates anymore, which you think is dumb, but the thing works and you don’t wanna shell out money just to be able to watch whatever new reality show everyone’s talking about as it airs. You stick to your playlist of favourite movies and shows again, settling on one you’ve already seen a million times so you can chat without needing to pay attention.

After a half hour you add each other to Facsimile so you can chat more openly without wasting data, his username of 4LM0ST-HUM4N making you snicker as you check out his profile, but it’s bare apart from his age, which is around yours, and his full name, his last name being Lynch. You can’t help but look him up since you already knew he’d done the same to you, and all you can find is a dating profile on a site you’d heard about but never used.

‘“Shy and looking,”’ you say out loud to yourself as you read his info, and you sink a little further into the cushions as his unfortunately off-putting but also undeniable cute profile picture stares you directly in the eye; you can tell he took it alone, he’s all washed out in the glow of his computer instead of from the room’s overhead or any natural light, and you almost want to call him out on it and help him try again, maybe he might get some matches that way.

You don’t mention the profile as you keep chatting, and before you know it the next movie is autoplaying, your battery low with how long you’ve been on your phone. You figure it’s about time you get back to work as you tell him about the situation, and he agrees, he’s also been putting off work, and you wish him a good night, adding in, ‘That data’s not gunna waste itself.’ He sends you a bunch of laughing emojis before changing his mind and editing the message so there’s only one, to which you give him one back, and he starts typing something else but stops. You wait but he never starts up again so you leave it be, your phone charging out of reach as you get back to work.

Now that you’ve been reminded that he exists and you find his company quite pleasant, you take a ride to the bar on your lunch break the next day, keeping your eye out as casually as you can until you see him clearing a table nearby. You wait until he’s done before waving at him to get his attention, and his smile is so big that it makes him self-conscious as a group of people pass him by, it faltering as he gets out of their way. He takes his dishes to the kitchen and quickly returns to take your order, and even though you’re sitting at a table and a menu is in your hands, you surprise him when you ask him when his break is instead of telling him what you want to eat.

‘My break?’ he repeats back to you, like he doesn’t understand the question.

‘I just figured you might want to eat somewhere you don’t work,’ you simply say, and he glances at his watch to check the time.

‘I get off in 15, but we can eat here, I don’t wanna take up your break by traveling,’ he offers, but you just shake your head and set the menu down.

‘I work from home, I can take as long as I want,’ you tell him, and it’s not exactly a lie since you do have some things to for sure finish today, but losing an extra hour to hang out with your new friend seems like a pretty good tradeoff honestly. He accepts your answer and goes back to work with a shy grin, and you patiently wait at your table until he returns, a brown hoodie slung over his arm and his apron left behind. 

You get up and follow him out to the street where he gets ready to hail a cab, and thanks to your convo from last night you already knew he didn’t drive, but you don’t want him to waste any money when your car was in the parking lot. You direct him to it, and in your head you can hear your mother warning you about letting strangers into your vehicle, but apart from being a little weird he has yet to give you any red flags or warning signs, so you unlock the door and hop in.

‘There’s this place downtown that’s pretty good,’ he says as soon as he sits down, and you try not to giggle when you see how his long legs don’t really fit in the space as he tries to find the seat adjust nonchalantly. ‘They mostly do burgers, but their menu is loaded with stuff, you just need to know what to ask for.’

‘I take it you know?’

He glances at you, his hand stilling momentarily as it's wedged between the door and his seat, and when he does find the button he lets out a noise of surprise as his chair suddenly shifts backwards. ‘Yeah, yeah I go there a bunch, I think I’ve tried almost everything so far.’

‘Why not get a job there instead of here if you like it so much?’ you ask as you start the engine, and he looks down at his lap in response.

‘Cause I- I actually didn’t apply to be a waiter,’ he mumbles, your head turning towards him as you pull out onto the road.

‘Did you wanna work in the kitchen or something?’

‘I wanted to be a bartender, actually, but they needed a server, so that’s what I landed on,’ he explains, and when you go to ask for the name of the place he just directs you down the street, ignoring the GPS entirely. ‘It’s actually been a little dream of mine to open my own place, but starting a business is expensive, and saving up is a little hard even with two jobs, city living isn’t cheap.’

‘You could try for a loan?’ you suggest, but he just shakes his head.

‘I dunno… going that far would make it real, y’know? I don’t think I’m ready for it yet.’ He points to the left as he speaks so you hit your blinker and turn, this is a part of town you’ve never been to before.

‘You could always try, and if it doesn’t work out then I’ll keep cheering you on until it does.’ He’s looking at you like your words are about to make him cry, and he’s so preoccupied with you that he nearly misses the restaurant, your brakes screeching down the thankfully empty road as you back up and turn into the parking lot. You’ve never even heard of this place but the lot is almost full, and you manage to find a spot before he’s getting out and waiting for you, the chill of the fresh, spring air making you both shiver and hurry inside.

The place is warm and cozy, the smell of food instantly making you hungry even though you were feeling pretty okay just moments ago, and he smiles at you before you seat yourself and wait to be served. A large menu is placed in front of you and he was right, it is mostly burgers first and foremost, but as you turn the pages and see everything else available you feel your mouth water. You look up to ask what he recommends just in time to see his eyes disappear over the top of his own menu, and you grin and decide you can’t beat the house special, which is a double bacon burger with everything on it. He orders the same as soon as you tell the waitress, a big plate of loaded fries to split as well as onion rings added as well, and when you’re left alone again you rest your elbows on the table and get his attention.

‘How long have you been coming here? I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone talk about it before,’ you admit, and again his eyes shine when you ask about him.

‘Most of my life, I used to live around here when I was younger so this was our go-to place when we wanted to eat out,’ he explains lively, and he looks around and gestures towards the decor. ‘It was different back then, they did a rebranding back in the early 2030s, changed the name and everything, but I still call it by its old name whenever I recommend it.’

‘What was the old name?’

‘The Hotel.’

You laugh, your hand covering your mouth as you try to keep it down. ‘I bet that might’ve caused some confusion,’ you chuckle, and he nods.

‘Oh yeah, I always have to correct myself,’ he agrees with his own laugh, the two of you still going even as your drinks are dropped off. You sip at yours, taking in everything and wondering what the place looked like back then when he stretches out and accidentally bumps your knee with his own; he quickly says sorry as he tries to retreat back to his side of the table, but you tell him it’s okay, and your reassurance makes him balk, like he’s been told off too many times for similar occurrences.

‘So, tell me, why do you wanna open your own bar?’ you quickly ask before he can shut himself off from you, his shyness returning and looking more like anxiety as he clearly gets in his own head about something so small.

‘Well, it’s just something I’ve always wanted to do, like I love the atmosphere, everyone coming together for a little while to share the space and a few drinks, it’s a good place to forget about your troubles for a bit.’ His eyes are on the table as he fiddles with the brown paper covering, your glasses creating dark rings where they’re set down on it.

‘You can say that about a lot of places,’ you add, and he agrees, but his eyes meet yours as he tries to get you to understand.

‘I know but there’s just something special about it, if your customers come there enough it can become familial, you can make bonds with people, offer them an ear when they’re sad, share in their laughter when they’re happy… I guess I’ve just always wanted to be a part of something like that.’ He looks back down again, the paper tearing and making him stop, now picking at his nails instead.

‘It sounds like you wanna connect with people, you don’t need a bar to do that,’ you say softly, carefully in case he might take offense to it, but he doesn’t, just shrugs.

‘I know, but… I still think it would be fun.’ His eyes meet yours again, and there’s something behind them as you look between them, something lonely that you haven’t seen in them before. You wonder then how long it’s been since he’s been here with someone, if his family still met up with him here, but based on his eyes you think you know the answer.

‘Well, if you do ever open that bar, then I expect free drinks for life as your first customer,’ you tease as you hold up your glass for a promising toast, and your faith in him makes his eyes look a little less lonely as he raises his own and taps the rims together. You drink as your waitress comes back with your food then, and it looks even better than the picture as you grab on tight and take a big bite. It’s the biggest burger you’ve ever eaten but it might also be the tastiest, the toppings sliding against your palms as you try to hold it all together, and you can see him having just as much trouble with his own. You laugh again and take another bite, your conversation moving onto more cheerful things as you eat, from family stories to complaints about work, bad dates to how your week was going, your overbearing but well-meaning mother to his absent father, but he isn’t as upset about it as he used to be as you sit with him and listen, he confesses. 

You douse your half of the fries in ketchup as he dips his own in ranch, and he has more onion rings than you do before you realize it, and when your plates are empty and your glasses hold nothing but melting ice you finally look at your phone and realize you’ve been there for over an hour. ‘Shit, I need to get back,’ he panics as he stands, and you wave over your waitress as you both get out your wallets.

‘Hey, I got you covered, can you go start my car?’ you tell him as he searches for the card he wants to use, but he can’t accept that, even more so than the tip from last week. ‘I insist, this was a much better date than my last one,’ you say with a wink, and he fumbles his next words as you toss him your keys. He rushes out with flushed cheeks, and you instantly let your emotions show on your face as you mentally ask yourself why the hell you actually said that as you pay.

You run out as soon as you’re done and speed off back to the bar, the car quiet until you say your goodbyes, and you watch him go until he disappears through the double doors with a small wave.

It becomes a bit of a thing for you two as you meet up for lunch every Friday after that, with you trying something new at his recommendation each time, and after around 7 weeks of this he flashes you the biggest smile as you sit down at your usual table, Simon already seated and waiting. ‘What?’ you ask, his smile spreading to you, and he holds out his phone to show that he had an appointment with the bank on Monday. ‘Oh my god, are you-?’

‘I’m doing it.’ He’s practically bouncing in his seat, only stopping when he bangs his knee off the metal support and makes the table shake, his excitement so strong that you could probably start bouncing as well if you were to be completely honest with yourself.

‘That’s amazing! Do you need a ride? We can go together, it’s after your shift is done, right? Or should I pick you up at your place?’

‘I-’ His smile falters a bit but he pushes it aside, and it feels a little forced as it returns. ‘I’ve got a ride covered, but thank you. Maybe we can meet up at the bank when it’s over? I can text you, if you’d like.’

‘I’d love that, I’ll be sure to work extra hard so we can celebrate the night away.’

Everything goes quiet as you realize what you’ve said, since while you have been texting almost daily you still have yet to hang out outside of your lunch dates; you’re not even really sure if they could even be called that seeing as, apart from you calling the first time that as a joke, neither of you actually confirmed there was anything more than friendship going on between you. Still, you both take it seriously as your usual waitress approaches to take your orders, and neither of you bring it back up again after she leaves.

‘I’m really proud of you, Simon, this is a big step you’re taking,’ you do say to break the silence, and when he looks at you you can swear he’s about to cry again; it actually hurts in a physical way whenever you see that, and you curse whoever beat him down enough to have this be his default reaction whenever you give him any kind of compliment or praise.

‘I don’t think I could’ve done it if you hadn’t cheered me on, might’ve found more excuses to put it off.’ He looks so vulnerable in this moment, his hands clasped on the table in front of him, and you glance down at them and nearly reach out to grab one when he continues. ‘Actually, because of you, I kinda started paying attention to my old LoveMatch account, turns out I got some messages when I was offline.’

Your smile freezes on your face as you unexpectedly go cold, your reaction to his words catching you off guard as talking becomes hard. ‘That’s… that’s wonderful news, anyone catch your eye?’ you finally ask, and he goes pink as he shakes his head.

‘Not yet, I didn’t get many but I still wanna check them all out, see if maybe my soulmate is one of them. Wait, that’s kinda desperate, isn’t it? I don’t actually think my soulmate is on some random dating site but… it’s nice to imagine, right? It’s like you said, I- I just wanna connect with someone.’ He’s looking only at his phone as he talks, scrolling through the unopened messages still waiting for him, and it feels like you’re watching the conversation from afar as your ears start ringing, your hands shaking as you try to figure out why you’re feeling this way.

He’s cute, you can’t deny that, and you enjoy his company a lot, but you haven’t thought about an actual relationship with him until this moment, when it was made apparent to you that that wasn’t what he wanted. And now that he was considering someone else, picturing a life with someone else, you know that you wanted to be with him, not in a casual, Friday lunch date and daily chats kind of way, but in the way where you’d visit him on his off hours or you’d bring him to your place, where you could have a nice dinner, watch movies together, no more table between you as you curl up against him or have him lean against you. You could hold his hand, and he could tell you about how his day at the bar, his bar, went and about all the new people he met, and when he was done you could cup that enticingly strong jaw of his and angle his face up to yours.

‘Are you okay?’

You blink and your vision blurs, and you quickly sniff and search your pockets for your travel-sized bottle of emergency ibuprofen. ‘Yeah, yeah I’m good, allergies are just acting up again, gunna go blow my nose and take my meds real quick before this gets gross,’ you lie with a fake smile, making sure he can’t see the label before you run off, and he buys it completely before going back to his messages. You don’t let your facade crack until you’re safe in the bathroom, the weight of how much you had fallen for him without realizing making your knees buckle, and you lock yourself in one of the stalls as you desperately try to push down the fact that he would never feel the same.

You’d managed to keep it together as you finished your lunch get together - not date, never date - but you spend the rest of the weekend moping around your apartment after that, your eyes on your phone as you lay on the couch and watch some old favourites to cheer yourself up, but each time he leaves you a message you feel your heart ache and it always takes a while before you can answer back. You give him the excuse of being a bit behind on work so you can’t chat much, and he was fine with that because he was gathering up the courage to message a couple people back, see if there were any sparks, and you have to ignore your phone entirely as you bury your head in the couch pillow and yell.

Before you know it you’re waking up where you’d fallen asleep, the TV going through the night and the sunlight streaming through the wall of windows to the right of your couch, the brightness rousing you from your restless dreams. You reach limply for your phone but the battery died during the night, and you groan and stumble over to your desk so you can charge it. As soon as it comes back to life you see that it’s much later than you thought thanks to your alarm never going off, and you find a bunch of messages waiting for you.

‘Shit! Shitshitshit!’ you swear when you see that Simon had asked you to wish him luck before his meeting, and you’re already a half hour late to reply but you do anyway as you fully push aside all your feelings to wish him all the luck you possibly can. He doesn’t answer back, because he’s obviously in the meeting, and you end up too nervous about it to eat as you let your phone charge. Instead you skip straight to getting ready for the day, having a quick but much needed shower after your weekend-long mope session. As you dry your hair you then find something nice to wear that you secretly hope he might like, some part of you overcoming the misery to hope that if he’s ready enough for a relationship to use LoveMatch again then maybe you could have a chance, and that hope fuels you as you race back to your phone to see if he’s done yet.

you dont need to pick me up taking a cab home see you friday

Your hand reaches up to cover your mouth as dread fills you then, and you quickly call him, unplugging your phone so you can sit down. ‘Simon, where are you?’ you ask the moment he picks up, and all you hear is the sound of traffic before a small sniff is picked up by his phone’s mic.

‘Don’t come, I just wanna get home right now,’ he tries to tell you, but your body is moving when you hear his small voice, how broken he sounds, your keys in your hand and a pair of flipflops that definitely aren’t weather appropriate yet on your feet so you can be out the door faster.

‘Are you still at the bank? Which one is it, I’m heading out right now.’

‘Please…’

‘I’m already in my car, where am I going?’

The resulting silence to your insistence stretches on for so long that you’re about to just try every bank in town until you find him when he gives you the address, and you know the one exactly as you speed off towards it. You arrive about ten minutes later, and you’re scanning the area when you see him huddling from the wind in the alley, his hood up and people giving him cautious glances as they pass. You roll down your window and call out to him, and when he finds you through the gap you can’t help but let out a noise of pain when you see his face; he’s been crying, you hadn’t been able to see because of his hood, but now you can see that his cheeks are damp and his eyes are red, and you hurriedly unlock the passenger door and motion for him to come over.

He hesitates a moment before wiping his cheeks and jogging over, people bumping into him with how busy the street is, but he doesn’t do or say anything even as he gets a couple insults along the way. He opens the door, sits down, and as soon as you ask where he wants to go he hides his face in his hand and starts crying again. You reach out to touch his shoulder but he pulls away, he needs space, and you don’t try again as you drive back to your place.

‘I don’t know why I thought I could do this…’ he mutters to himself as you drive, and the lump in your own throat is so thick that it hurts as you try to swallow it down. You pull back into your parking lot and he finally notices that he doesn’t know this place, and you don’t shut off the engine as you turn back towards him.

‘You don’t have to tell me about it, but I’d like it if you came up with me, please,’ is all you say, and another tear rolls down his cheek before he’s nodding, following you to the front doors. Your place is pretty high up but the elevator ride isn’t awkward as he stuffs himself into the corner opposite of you, where you can’t see him as easily. You reach your floor before you know it so you lead the way to your apartment, and when the door opens and you set your keys back down on the small shelf nearby he takes everything in with an even sadder expression, which isn’t the way you were hoping it would go at all.

‘You- you have a nice home,’ he just says, and before you can thank him he’s already turning back for the door. ‘I shouldn’t have come up, I’m sorry, you shouldn’t talk to me anymore, I’ll leave you alone now-’

‘Whoa, wait, where did this come from?’ you need to know as you stand in front of the door, and he goes to move you aside before pulling back, he doesn’t even want to touch you. ‘Simon, I know I said you didn’t have to talk about it but- what happened in there? Why can’t I talk to you anymore?’

‘Because I’m-’ He flinches away from you as his voice rises, frustration apparent among the sadness, and he leans against the wall with a dull thud. ‘I was accepted into the police academy a few years back, before I got my job at the bar; I was training to be on the bomb squad, I thought my knack for technology could help save lives, and I practiced really hard, learned to disarm nonlethal devices I built myself to show them I could do it, that I could be useful to them.

‘But when they learned I’d been building things they thought I was doing it for the wrong reasons even though there was no danger to them, like I was going to learn how to build actual bombs next using the training I received; I was just learning how to cut the power without setting anything off, I was using fucking coloured lights to do it, there were no explosives on my devices at all! But it was enough to make them think I was a danger to everyone, and they forced me to take a psych exam which I then failed by their standards. I was kicked out of the academy, lost my job when the psych eval was sent to them the following week, even lost my apartment when my landlord got word of everything, this one mistake got me evicted in the middle of winter-!

‘And the guy I talked to today heard about it too, read about all of it when they researched me to see if I was deserving of it, do you know what I heard him say to his supervisor when he thought I was out of earshot? He- he called me “unstable,” and fucking “unqualified” when I told him how much I make a year, like he didn’t trust me to pay it back, like I was a failure before the bar even opened, and maybe he’s right, maybe I am a failure, I shouldn’t have tried, I shouldn’t have fucking tried-!’

He spins and punches the wall he was just leaning against and you tense up, your eyes shutting on instinct at the crash of his knuckles through the drywall; it’s the first time you’ve seen him angry like this and it scares you, but as he pulls his hand back and looks at his bloodied knuckles you feel no fear, just sadness.

‘I’m sorry, shit, I’m so sorry,’ he apologizes under his breath, hissing as he flexes his fingers, his hand shaking from the pain, and it would be so easy to end it all right there, kick him out too and never see him again after what he’s just told you, just done, but you can’t as you take him gently by the arm and lead him to your couch. You sit him down and go off to find your first aid kit, some big and overly full thing your mother made you buy when you first moved to the city, and you’re thankful for it now as you pull out the unsealed bottle of healing spray and spritz it against his torn skin a couple times.

For once you love the future as he heals, and while he’s fine now you can’t help but take out the gauze and wrap the area next just to make sure, your fingers resting over the fabric and the back of his hand as you hold him in place. ‘You’re not a failure,’ you murmur, and he tries to pull away again but you don’t let him. ‘What happened to you… it really, really fucking sucks, and none of it was fair, but… it doesn’t make you a failure, we can just try again until we find someone who can help you get that loan.’

‘I don’t even want it, not after today.’ There’s not a single trace of a lie in his words, he’s giving up, and you want so badly to hold him but you can’t. ‘It’ll just happen again, this black mark on my life will just keep following me, why even try?’

‘Because it’s your dream, remember? You told me you wanted to connect with people, no one should be able to take that from you.’ You’re moving closer to him, slotting yourself between his legs as your knees hit the bottom of the couch, he can’t run from you like this, but it’s like you’re invisible to him in his misery.

‘But they already did.’

You let go of his hand and get up, throwing your arms around his neck in a tight hug, and he lets out a sound somewhere between surprise and relief as he’s pressed into the couch; you’re practically in his lap like this, and you try to shift until you’re beside him instead, but your arms never leave him as you back up, your frown so deep it’s starting to make your head hurt. ‘They only will when you stop fighting for it, you haven’t lost it yet,’ you tell him in a hushed whisper, and something in him breaks as he crumbles into your hug, his head on your shoulder as he grips the back of your shirt as hard as he can, like he’s drowning at sea and you’re the only thing keeping him afloat.

You pet his hair comfortingly as he keeps talking into your shoulder about how it went, how he felt so worthless when he was rejected, how he tried to explain himself but it was all shut down, the man hadn’t even wanted to hear it because he’d heard enough, how he was so upset and hurt and angry that he was afraid of himself and what he’d do, and you just comfort him as he lets it all out. It takes a while but you never rush him, or interrupt him as he vents, you just keep holding him until he’s ready to let you go. You separate, and his eyes are so red as they avoid looking at you, but you just brush his bangs to the side before getting up and grabbing the tissues.

You hand him the box, and the smile he gives you isn’t as sad as he grabs a few, the lump in your throat easing up a bit at the sight. ‘I know you probably aren’t in the mood to celebrate, but if you just wanna grab some food and watch a movie anyway I could order something, or make something here? I think the Hotel might deliver this far, lemme see if it’s on Dumbwaiter.’ You’re already on your phone to check but he’s standing, his used tissues bunched in his hand as he looks for your garbage bin, his eyes on the ground again.

‘I’m not very hungry, thank you but I think I just wanna head home,’ he says after throwing them away, and your hand lowers as you take a step towards him, standing between him and the door again.

‘Please.’ You don’t mean for it to come out but it does, this is about him, not you, you have no right to ask him to stay when he needs space, but you can’t leave him like this, not now. Finally he meets your eye, and you can see that he wants to stay as badly as you want him to, and he opens his mouth to say something before he closes the gap, stands next to you and looks down at your phone. He taps your screen back to life and scrolls before he finds the Hotel’s real name in the list of places on Dumbwaiter’s delivery partnership, and he gives the name another tap before giving you the smallest smile, and it’s genuine and even less sad as his shoulder presses into yours.

‘Order the pasta today, all of their sauces are rich and they always serve too much, and get us the goat cheese spinach dip, it’s to die for,’ he says, his voice still wavering a bit after all his crying, and you just nod before adding it all to your cart, Simon taking off his shoes so he can get comfy on your couch properly this time. You pay for the meal and join him, offering him the remote but he has nothing he wants to watch, so you go to your favourites and pick the stupidest, funniest comedy you can find, needing something silly to lift the mood, and as the food is delivered and you both laugh with full mouths that almost get you to choke you end up wishing you could have this forever, that you could move to his side and hold him again.

You don’t, your phones on the coffee table along with your plates, the space between you feeling so much wider than it actually was as he stays with you until the sun sets.

Now that he’s been to your place your friendship only grows, your meetups changing from Friday lunches to properly hanging out, and it isn’t often he gets free time between his two jobs, but most nights of his are free and you’re always ready to drop whatever you can to see him when he asks. Because of your eagerness you’re slowly becoming a pro at keeping up with your own work, the need to procrastinate fading away like never before since being caught up meant you could go to him wherever he waited. You met him at both jobs, at the Hotel - which he got you to start saying as well since he never called it by its real name - and at the park, sometimes at the mall if there was something he needed to get and he wanted some company, but you’ve still never seen his place, and you’re starting to wonder where he lived.

You know it’s in town, since he got to and from work via Brougham and being outside of town would be hell on his paychecks, but you have no idea which part other than the fact that he used to live near the Hotel when he was a kid. You’ve tried asking before, but each time you do he just brushes it off, makes some excuse to why you couldn’t pick him up or drop him off there, and you’re starting to get a bit suspicious if you were entirely honest. You know he’s not homeless, he’s told you before how it took him a bit but he did manage to find someplace permanent and all his after his eviction, but this is getting ridiculous you think when he comes up with yet another excuse as to why you can drop him off on this random street you’re driving down, he lives nearby, he can walk the rest of the way.

‘Simon, you’ve got six bags of groceries in the back seat, it is literally impossible for you to walk home with them all,’ you say firmly as he just keeps looking out the window, and his lips purse as he tries something else.

‘It isn’t far and they’re not that heavy, I can do three per hand,’ he insists, and you step on the brakes in the middle of the road, no one coming or going as he jerks forwards in his seat at the inertia.

‘Why don’t you want me to see your place?’ you ask bluntly, no longer holding back, and he gets defensive, he’s more open with his anger around you now, but he hasn’t gotten as upset since that day, and you know it’s because he doesn’t want to lose control again, doesn’t want to scare you or himself like that again.

‘I never said I didn’t.’

‘You don’t need to; is it bad neighbours, or a bad neighbourhood? I don’t care where you live, or what your place looks like, I swear I don’t, so you don’t have to keep me away,’ you tell him honestly, and for a moment you think he might tell you when he unlocks his door and heads to the back. You just sigh as he gathers everything up in both hands and thanks you for the ride, but it really is close, you don’t have to waste gas going the rest of the day, he’ll see you Friday.

‘And… you don’t wanna know where I live,’ he mutters mostly to himself before the door closes, and he’s clearly weighed down by everything but he sticks with it, and you watch him just keep going further and further down the street until you have no choice but to take a U-turn and head home, and he’s still in your rearview as you hit a right and he’s forced to disappear around the corner behind you.

It’s a little awkward for you both after that, so you don’t bring it up again to make sure things even out, and it seems to help as you keep meeting up everywhere but his place, wherever the hell it is. He’s been to yours enough times now that you almost consider giving him a spare key so he can invite himself over, but it feels too personal for friends, and when you joke about it to test the waters he nearly spits out his drink in surprise. You clarify that it’s a joke as he sputters out that he’s never had someone’s spare key before, he’s never known anyone long enough for that.

‘You’ve known me for quite a few months now, maybe it might come in handle to have a spare out there in case of emergencies,’ you say next, instantly backtracking on the joke aspect of it with a little hope, and despite you initially calling it so he also looks a little hopeful at the possibility before his phone pings loudly. The moment is ruined as he stops your post-lunch walk through the park to see who’s messaging him, and his eyes widen as his smile grows and his face flushes. ‘LoveMatch, I assume?’ you ask, your teeth clenching in jealousy behind your smile.

‘Yeah, I’ve been messaging this one girl, Jeannie, a few days now,’ he tells you as he clicks in to see what she said, and his smile is so bright at her reply that you feel your stomach drop, your jealousy transforming into something that feels so much worse. ‘I think I’m gunna ask her on a date soon, when I can get an afternoon off so we don’t meet up too late, what do you think? Or should we talk a bit more first?’

The urge to tell him he should definitely talk more first arises because it’s true, you know what meeting too soon can do to a relationship before you can get a better feel for someone, but you also want them to meet before they’re ready; you want her to go in blind because you already know how to talk to him, know that there’s no way she’ll be able to get him out of his shell enough to consider a second date. You know he’ll be nervous, so he might say something weird like he did that first time you chatted over Facsimile, and if he does then there’s a good chance she might leave the date not wanting more.

You can’t do that though, you don’t want to see him rejected like that ever again after the loan, so you ball up your fist and give him a playful tap to the shoulder as he waits for your response. ‘Give it a little more time, get to know each other better, the perfect time for a date will show itself eventually, and if it doesn’t then maybe it’s just not meant to be,’ you suggest, and he nods before one-handedly typing out a reply back to her and putting his phone away. 

‘You’re so good with this kinda stuff, I haven’t been on a real date before, it’s why I signed up for LoveMatch to begin with, so I never know where to start whenever I get a match,’ he confesses as you go back to walking, your fist still balled painfully as you hide it in your jacket pocket. 

‘I’ve been on way too many bad dates by now, I’d like to think I’m a bit of an expert on it.’ Your laugh is strained but he doesn’t seem to notice as he looks straight ahead, his cheeks still pink now that she’s on his mind.

‘I can’t wait to meet her, she works at a flower shop nearby but I haven’t been in yet, I don’t wanna creep her out or anything,’ he says as his shyness crops up again, his expression cute until you remember this isn’t for you, it’s for her.

‘Just keep talking to her and it’ll happen, and who knows? Maybe she’ll like you as mu-’ You stop yourself from saying, ‘as much as I do,’ the words unable to come out as he turns to face you with a curious expression. ‘As much as I know she will,’ you finish, and he grins at the ground before taking another drink, your shoulders bumping for just a moment before he steps to the left to give you a bit more space, and you have to grip the inside of your pocket to keep from pulling him back to you.

About a week later he messages you as you’re working, your phone lighting up and buzzing energetically near your hand, and when you open the chat he tells you that she asked him on a date. Your face falls as you force a smile he can’t see, your thumbs typing him a congrats you don’t mean, not entirely, and when he says that he’s going to take her to the park you feel almost betrayed; you know it’s not your park, it’s just someplace you visit sometimes, it wasn’t like he was bringing her to the Hotel for lunch, that would hurt so much worse.

He then says he’s been thinking about packing a picnic since it felt more romantic, and that he was going to bring roses in her favourite colours since she told him she couldn’t decide between red or orange when they were talking about it, and you almost put down your phone as your chest aches. You want it to be you, you want him to ask you to the park for a picnic, you want to be able to pack your own favourites to share with him there now that the weather is nice again, you want him to bring you roses in your favourite colours even though you’re not even that much of a flower person just because they’re from him and he’s thinking of you.

You want to be her.

You tell him that that sounds like a great idea, she’ll love it, he should tell you how it goes afterwards if he wants to, which he does, since you’re his friend.

You’re his friend.

You send him a bunch of fingers crossed emojis and get back to work so he can start planning, the date is this weekend after all and he has things he has to do now, and when you go to bed that night your thumb hovers over the Sign Up button on LoveMatch’s mobile app until you fall asleep.

Three days later you find yourself lurking outside of the park even though you fought all morning not to, not knowing the exact time they were going to meet up and spending every second continuing that fight as you tell yourself to leave before you got hurt even more. You parked a block away so he wouldn’t recognize your car, and you’re wearing one of your thicker hoodies that you prefer to save for colder weather even though it’s making you sweat like crazy, the hood up as you walk around and see if you can find him. You’ve been there for hours now when you finally decide to go, this was stupid and petty and way too jealous to be acceptable no matter how you felt for him, and just as you’re about to leave you hear his voice echo faintly across the open area.

You look over and see him approach an unfamiliar woman, Jeannie, a big bouquet of roses in his hand and his Brougham waiting for him with an open door by the curb where he was dropped off at. He waves nervously at her, and she flashes him a big smile as he hands her the roses, she seems happy about them, and they chat for a little bit as you get a good vantage point behind a nearby tree. There’s people looking at you as they pass but you don’t care, you can’t leave now, and your jealousy turns to shocked offense as you watch her expression slowly fall.

She’s uncomfortable, he’s said something that she didn’t like just like you’d feared, and he picks up on it and motions for her to wait before he jogs back to the car, he’s still going to try and fix it with the picnic. The moment he’s away from her she puts the roses down on the bench they’re standing by and bails, her footsteps fast as she puts as much distance between them before his return, and your body moves on its own as you want to chase her down, demand to know why she did that. You lose her as you hear him come back to the bench, his voice calling out to her again but she’s long gone, and you freeze with your back to him as you hear him set down the basket, his car already driving off and stranding him there.

The lump is already forming in your throat again when you hear your phone go off, and when you pick up and turn to face him he’s already looking at you, having heard the ringtone you’d assigned to him from your short distance away. He looks hurt at your presence at first, then upset, then angry, and he leaves both the roses and the basket behind as he starts to walk away.

‘Simon, wait,’ you call out to him as you race after him, his long legs carrying him farther and faster as you quickly catch up, but you being there is just insult to injury and he does not want you to be there for him today.

‘You saw it all, didn’t you?’ he demands as he just keeps walking with no destination, needing to get away from you and his heartbreak as fast as he can, and you try to walk backwards in front of him but you can’t keep the pace, not when he keeps changing directions every time you catch up.

‘I’m sorry, I wanted to make sure it went okay,’ you confess before you can come up with yet another lie, and he scoffs at it bitterly.

‘Wanted to make sure I didn’t fuck it up like the loan, right? Well, sorry to break it to you, but I fucked it up again, I’m just one big fuckup!’ He takes another sharp turn to try and lose you in a dense crowd but you grab onto him, use him like an anchor as he tries to jerk away enough to make you let go, but your grip is strong and true as not even that works. 

‘You aren’t a fuckup!’ you insist desperately in a too loud voice for being in public, a group of mothers with strollers giving you the dirtiest look at your language, but you just give them a ‘give me a break’ look back before turning your attention back to him. ‘She just doesn’t know you yet, what did you say? Maybe you can still fix it? Or you could try one of your other matches? She isn’t the only one out there, you don’t need her!’

‘I told her that I wanted to meet her at work,’ he says, and that’s not so bad until he explains why it upset her. ‘I told her that I saw her place of work in the trashed data and I wanted to surprise her by ordering the roses from her, and she didn’t like it.’

Yeah, that’ll do it.

‘She- she didn’t get that you weren’t looking her up to doxx her or stalk her or anything?’ you hurriedly ask, and he just shakes his head, his pace slowing as you exit the main road and head down a less busy street, somewhere more private, probably unintentionally on his part.

‘No, I tried to explain that but her expression said it all, and when I got back…’ He slows even more, you both know how it ended and his lip is quivering. ‘She didn’t even have to guts to say goodbye, she just wanted to leave me there like I could be thrown out like the roses, like trash, that fucking bitch!’ He kicks the trashcan you’re about to pass and it crashes hard to the ground, the contents spilling all over the sidewalk as he loses control of his anger again. ‘I’m a person, goddamnit, why does this keep…’

You step around the trash as the wind blows it into your path, creating a river between the two of you that you cross to get to him, and this time when you try to hug him he steps back, puts a hand up to keep you away.

‘Don’t, just- don’t, I can’t be touched by you right now,’ he says softly, and he isn’t crying but he looks about to as you obediently back up, the trash spreading around you and making the river swell. ‘I’m going home, I’m sorry you keep having to deal with me.’

You try to tell him otherwise but he isn’t listening as he pulls up his hood and heads back to the main road, a cab hailed before he gets in and drives away, leaves you there alone. You lower your own hood and unzip your hoodie so your body can cool a little as you walk back to your car, and when you reach the bench you see that there’s a small group of concerned people gathering around the basket, all of them clearly thinking that it might be something dangerous.

‘That’s mine, sorry, it’s just a picnic,’ you say as you approach it, and everyone can’t help but peer inside as you prove it to them. In that quick glimpse you can see that he worked hard on the contents within, he made a whole bunch and even grabbed a few different drinks as well as a bottle of wine to split, and you swallow as you relatch the lid and grab the handle. The roses are still there too and you pick them up, they’re the synthetic kind you can tell as their scent is muted compared to the real thing, he wanted her to keep them for a while without them dying, and you hold them close to your chest as you finish the trek to your car.

You don’t look at the items in your passenger seat until you get home, and when you reach your apartment you put the flowers in a waterless vase and spread out the picnic on your coffee table. You choose your favourite drink, of course he would’ve brought it out of all the possible options, and open up the wine as well as you enjoy the picnic by yourself, not wanting to let it go to waste as you try not to notice how large your couch was without him there to enjoy it with you.

He ignores your messages for a while after that, so you stop texting him to give him some space, but that doesn’t stop you from at least typing everything out and deleting it before the temptation to press send overtakes you. You look him up on LoveMatch and see that he’s offline, and after looking up Jeannie’s name you discover a recent post she made in the site’s forums section; you click in and see that she completely tried to ruin his reputation on the site, warning others to stay away from him, calling him creepy and a stalker and claiming that he would doxx any matches. Your heart races as the comments join in, insulting his picture and saying he looked like a creep, how some said they had messaged him but now they were going to block, thanking her for the warning and telling her how sorry they were for having to deal with that.

You nearly come to his rescue but there’s no point, they’ve already made up their minds, and you instead flag the post as harassment and pray that it got taken down before he saw it.

He’s seen it.

He sends you the link without another word, your request to remove it denied, and when you look for his profile you find it gone.

He misses your next Friday lunch, and you figure enough is enough as you decide that if he wasn’t going to talk to you then you were going to talk to him. You wait until he gets off work before parking across from the bar, and you keep your distance as he hails a ride and heads home for the night. Your hands are gripping the wheel way too hard the entire way there, and when the car turns into a large, mostly empty lot sans a bunch of trailers parked inside as well as a few storage containers and miscellaneous vehicles and construction things for the building across the street you just keep going and pretend like you weren’t just following him. You wait until his ride leaves as you park nearby, and you casually walk up to the one you saw him heading for and hope that he won’t kick you out immediately as you knock on the door.

There’s the sound of stumbling from inside until the door opens and you step out of its way, Simon just looking at you before a cacophony of emotions plays across his face. ‘Hey,’ you say when he doesn’t shut the door right away, ‘you stopped answering my messages, I wanted to make sure you were okay.’

‘So you followed me?’ He’s more surprised than angry, which is good, but you don’t know how long it’ll last so you talk fast, needing to get it out while you have the chance.

‘You never told me where you lived, I improvised, I’m not the one with access to trashed data here,’ you try to joke, but neither of you laugh as you just stand there on his makeshift porch, which is just big enough to hold a single lawn chair and nothing else, another sign of his isolation.

‘I never wanted you to come here,’ he mutters just quietly enough that you almost miss it, and when you lean in to listen his expression hardens. ‘Your place is so nice, you’ve got a nice view, everything is so open, you do so well for yourself. But me, even with two jobs this is all I can afford, I can’t save up for my bar when I have bills to pay, can’t get a loan because I can’t pay it off if it fails, you’ve got everything so put together and I’m-’ He stops, he’s been looking at the ground the entire time but when he falls silent he makes a point to purposefully not look at you, and you can see the shine in his eyes as he shifts from foot to foot, resists slamming the door in your face. ‘I’m a fucking loser.’

‘You’re not-’

‘I got kicked out of the academy, I got evicted, I got denied for my loan, I got dumped before my date even started and now every other match I made has me blocked, I live in a fucking trailer because I can’t afford rent in the city anymore and it’s cheap to live out this far, how am I not a loser?’ He quiets down when he starts yelling out all the reasons why he was worthless, his voice echoing over the lot, and he tries to shut the door when your hand shoots out and holds it open the second you see it move. ‘I just- I don’t understand why you keep talking to me after all that, why do you keep coming back? Why haven’t you left like everyone else? Why won’t you just- leave me alone…?’

You swallow and walk up the two-step stairs, Simon backing up until you let yourself in, the door shutting behind you and trapping your voices inside so they can’t carry anymore. ‘Because none of that defines you, it happened to you but that isn’t who you are,’ you tell him, and he’s hunched over now that he’s inside, the ceiling not high enough to accommodate him in his own home.

‘And who am I?’ he asked pathetically, but you don’t see him as pathetic, not even now as you see his home and how bare it is, the nicest thing he owns his computer over by the far window, the setup grand and expensive looking, and you fondly think to yourself that he probably built it all himself.

‘You’re smart, you’re so fucking smart, and you’re easy to talk to, and you’re a bit weird sometimes, and you word things kinda badly at the worst of times but you’re not a creep, and you’re passionate about what you want and it’s so unfair that no one’s given you a proper chance, or gotten to know the real you, not just what they’ve heard and assumed about you. You’re not a bad guy, you’re more than your black marks, you’re Simon.’

He blinks and a tear falls from his eye to the floor thanks to the angle his neck is forced to be, but he never sits even though it must be hurting him, and you wonder if maybe you’ve gotten through to him when he catches you completely off guard with what he says next: ‘Would you still think that if you knew the real me?’

‘What do you mean?’ You’ve known him for half a year now, there wasn’t any side of him you hadn’t seen yet, but apparently there was as another tear falls.

‘I killed someone, about five years ago now.’

You stagger back into the door, the wind knocked out of you at this revelation, and he shuts his eyes and looks away from your expression as one of pain takes over his own face. ‘What are you talking about?’ you ask quietly, your voice failing you the first time you try, and he flinches at your words like you’d just screamed them in his face.

‘Back when I was evicted I was looking for people to room with, just temporarily until I could get back on my feet, and this guy had answered my ad, invited me over to check out his place. I should’ve been more cautious but it was so cold I couldn’t wait, and when I got there he tried to mug me, take whatever I had left. I fought back in self-defense, but when I almost got away he started attacking me, wanted to keep me there until his actual roommate got home so he had help, and I-’ He sits down then, his hands shaking as he goes back to that time, and your back leaves the door as he looks up at you with such sadness that your chest feels hollow. ‘He tried to kill me, I was only trying to defend myself, I didn’t mean to hurt him so bad, I just wanted to find somewhere to stay, it was so cold outside…’

‘What happened after that?’ You think you might’ve just mouthed the words with how much your voice breaks, but he understands you anyways.

‘The roommate came home while I- while it was happening, called the cops, and when they saw me standing there covered in blood, holding the knife still, they instantly ruled it as a homicide and arrested me. I was able to plead not guilty but they took one look at my bad psych eval and thought I’d snapped, killed him outta malice or something, it was only by a miracle that the evidence was in my favour.’

‘And the roommate?’

‘They searched the place and found evidence of all the others before me that’d fallen for the con, he was charged and arrested and I made bail, but after that my mother never talked to me again, even though I was acquitted.’ It looks like a weight’s been lifted now that he’s said it, but he also looks so fucking tired, most of him taking up his small loveseat couch. You want to go to him but you can’t move, your body refusing to shift even an inch in case he didn’t want you to, and he looks you over before something in his eyes begs you please; you let out a small noise as you fall to the ground between his knees, your hand holding his just like you had when you’d wrapped him up.

‘Why are you still here? Why haven’t you thrown me out yet?’ he weakly asks you, and you can’t lie to him any longer as you hold his hand up to your cheek.

‘Don’t you know what you mean to me?’ you need to know, your voice so small that again you’re not even sure if any of it even comes out, and he lets out a breath that sounds so desperate and broken it makes you wonder just how long he’s been holding it: days, weeks, months, since the moment you met?

‘I didn’t want to hope- you… you’re my only friend, I didn’t want to ruin everything and lose you too,’ he whispers as he properly holds you, his palm so warm against your skin, and you lean into his touch as you let out the breath you were holding in return.

‘You almost broke my heart when you said you went back to LoveMatch, I wanted to tell you so badly,’ you’re finally able to confess, and when you do his other hand finds your arm, holds you with just enough pressure that you know he wants you there.

‘Why didn’t you?’

‘I didn’t want to ruin everything either.’

He leans forward until his forehead rests against yours, and when you open your eyes and look into his you can see everything you ever wanted again, all of it feeling so real and within reach as you brush his bangs aside, rest your hand on the back of his neck. His other hand comes up to cup your other cheek, and he’s shaking slightly like he’s afraid to touch you even though he already is because this time it’d be his decision to, his lips parting as he stares down at your own, and when he touches you you lean up and close the space between you.

He sighs against your mouth as you kiss him, it so full of relief and contentment and joy, and you wrap your arms around his neck again as you successfully sit in his lap this time. His lack of experience is apparent but you have no complaints as you deepen the kiss, needing more now that you could have it, and he lets you have everything you ever wanted as he leans back against the cushions until his head hits the metal wall behind him. He mutters an ow as he lets go of you to rub his head, and you laugh before catching his mouth again, which he eagerly allows you to do; he eats up all your attention, starving for it as he gets more into it, needing whatever you can give after so many rejections, and you’re happy to give it all back as you kiss his neck.

‘I was so proud of you when you told me you were trying for the loan, I really wanted to celebrate with you,’ you whisper into his skin, and you can feel him shiver as he lets out a soft moan and tilts his head to the side so you have easier access. ‘You’ve been trying so hard, please let me reward you, I want to be the first to…’

He moans your name as his hips start to move, try to find friction against you, and you shift until he does, his jaw going slack as he holds you by your thighs, perfects the angle even more.

‘When I saw you with her I wanted it to be me, I hated myself for wanting her to go, but she didn’t deserve you, I’ll never leave, and I want the next time we meet to be a real date, whether it’s at the Hotel or the park or my place or here, I want to be with you.’

He makes a noise of pure want, his Adam's apple bobbing as he tries to swallow back the sob that follows, he was always weak to your compliments but you need him to know how worth it he is to you, how much he deserves this after everything he’s been through.

‘You’re wonderful, I love spending time with you, you’re everything I want.’

A tear escapes between his tightly shut eyelids and you kiss it away before going to his jaw, pressing your lips along it before you find his mouth again.

‘I really like you, Simon, you mean so much to me, I’m so glad I got to meet you.’

He’s practically whimpering in your lap as he cries harder, his hips never stopping, he needs this so much but so do you, and you let him use you as the growing pressure wrenches a moan from your lips.

‘I love-’

You don’t get to finish as he comes apart underneath you, his body shuddering as he grips you tight and gasps out a series of choked out moans, your eyes fluttering shut as you feel it all travel from the top of your head down to the tips of your toes. You feel the heat between your thighs as he slowly catches his breath, his cheeks turning red under streams of tears in embarrassment for coming from just this much, but you just kiss the tip of his nose and rest your chest against his, let him feel how hard your heart was beating.

‘I love you,’ you whisper now that you can, and he looks at you like you’ve just given him the sun and the moon on a golden platter.

‘I’m so glad I texted you back then,’ he confesses against your cheek, his hands leaving your thighs to rest on your back, keeping you close, ‘I think I started to love you the moment you wanted to actually talk to me.’

‘Lucky for me your standards are so low,’ you joke, but it falls flat in the best of ways as he nuzzles into your neck.

‘It was all I needed, I just wanted someone to believe in me.’ He presses a single kiss to the space where your neck meets your shoulder, and your nails scrape lightly against his scalp as you let out a sigh at the feeling.

‘I told you, I’ll keep cheering you on until it works,’ you remind him, and he sits up straight so he can hold you even closer in his hug, your bodies fitting together perfectly as you hold him back and don’t let go.

The snow is falling lightly outside as you stretch in your chair, your back cracking as you raise your arms high above your head. You’re all done for the day, everything on your list checked off as you glance at the time and see that it’s almost 8PM, he’ll be there soon. You stand and bring the feeling back to your legs before grabbing the remote and turning on the TV, queuing up the next episode of the show you’re marathoning only one at a time each night. You let the recap and intro play and then press pause, it’s nearly time now, and you’re in the middle of grabbing the plates and utensils when you hear a knock at the door. You unlock it and open up to reveal Simon on the other side, all bound up in a large winter jacket, his scarf pulled up high enough to cover his nose and mouth from the cold.

‘You forget your key at work again?’ you tease as he walks in, trailing snow over to the mat where he can take his boots off.

‘Kinda hard to unlock the door with both hands full,’ he points out with a smirk as he then sets the food brought from said work on the table. ‘It’s busy tonight despite the snow, lots of people coming in to escape the chill, had to order these early to make sure they were done on time.’

‘You know I can always make something before you get back, you don’t have to keep bothering Elison over it,’ you remind him, but he won’t hear of it, he loves being able to bring you back something so you don’t have to stop working until you’re ready and you know it.

‘I convinced him to leave the Hotel to come work for me, might as well use him,’ is what he has to say to that, and you can’t argue with it as you both transfer your dinners onto the plates you set out. ‘Besides, it’s the only way I can get my favourites without having to drive across town, that’s a good enough reason to keep bothering him.’

You hum in agreement as you sit down together, the episode playing as soon as you’re settled, and when you’re done eating he curls up next to you, rests his head against your shoulder even though it hurts his neck. You take pity on him and adjust so he can lay more properly, his face still red from the winter chill, and you find yourself paying more attention to him until he feels your eyes on him.

‘You think we can do two episodes tonight before you go back? We’re so close to the season finale,’ you plead in that tone of voice that always gets him, and he looks like he really wants to say yes but he can’t, he doesn’t like leaving the place for so long as is even though his staff is more than capable of watching over things for an hour without him; outside of the weekend it’s the only time you can be together until he gets home at 2AM, when you’re already asleep most nights, and before he leaves again by 9AM, at least until the new year where he plans on hiring more staff if things keep getting better.

‘Not tonight, maybe tomorrow if it’ll calm down when the storm hits, I’ll call it early if it’s bad enough,’ he promises, and you smile and hold his hand as you rewind the episode back to before you stopped watching.

‘Should I be so jealous of a bar?’ you ask rhetorically, and he answers you yes before you playfully hit him and press play again. ‘Maybe I should start working for you part-time, I miss our Friday lunches, you’re too busy for me now.’

‘I’m never too busy for you,’ he reassures you so gently and genuinely before kissing you, the scene you just rewound to getting ignored again as you don’t let him go after just one. ‘I wouldn’t mind having you there, though, even if I think we might not get a lot done whenever you’re there.’

‘I’m just trying to make some C0NN3CT10N$,’ you say as slowly and as slyly as you can, drawing out the word as he just stares at you, ‘y’know like the bar’s na-’

He silences you with another kiss, this one a little more chaste as he laughs against your lips. ‘Yeah, yeah I know,’ he chuckles, and once again the episode is rewound so you can watch it, your arms around him for the rest of the hour he sets aside just for you each night, and in your head you make a mental note to thank your mother for recommending that son of a friend of a friend of a co-worker 10 months too late as he lovingly holds you right back.

[emo-nova]

Jedi?

A tragedy that I will forever think about for a very long time.

If we completely disregard everything Palp says, and look at what Jedi do and say and even some of Anakin's line in AOTC about how they operate. You see that their unconditional love of life and balance is that of very mindful people.

Such as the idea of not acting in anger or ill will is something as someone of faith struggles with at times because emotions are messy and never going to be fully conculsive. But the Jedi are about doing what you can to deal with your actions, Jedi doubt but they still want to learn so they can make sure that they understand all sides. Take the scene of Phantom Menace where the Council are doubtful of Jinn's claim before meeting Anakin but still give him a chance as to explain and see for themselves as to make the correct judgement.

It may appear harsh to a child, but as an adult, you can see that they want to make sure that Anakin can have the best outcome given the circumstance that the Council is privy to. The Council ask Anakin how he feels, and Anakin takes this as an attack on his person because he was raised to keep everything appearing fine as to not be caught by his master. His anger at the question and his attempts to hide his emotions is what worries the Council. As a child, I viewed this scene as adults not being fair. But as an adult with more context, I can say they were seeing if Anakin would fair well with them.

The Jedi are aware of their emotions and frequently make sure to feel them, process them and then let them ease. Fear, anger and hate are not avoidable but they can be managed if you understand that acting within them does not help you. Anakin unable to vocal his problems with fear is shown in how he lashes out in anger to not be pressed on it. As a Jedi, as a teacher or mediator being heavily part of their culture, his inability to manage it or vocalise it is a concerning trait that they are unsure will be fixed with time with them.

The Jedi can help better those who want it rather than help someone who refuses they need it. This is something I see a lot in the prequels, and in the OG, they are always ready to help. Their help, in fact, instilled hope in the foundations of the Rebellion. The politicians, Bail, Mon Mothma, Riyo Chuchi to name a few, understood that the Jedi were figures and individuals that aided those.

You see it in the OG Star Wars Film, Episode 4, that the Rebel meeting ends with "May the Force be with you" a very Jedi farewell. It in fact made me cry when I rewatched the film, as you could see on my blog. But you can see it in the symbols of the Rebels being a reconfigured Jedi Symbol, the wings and the star moved up.

In the end, the action of taking in Anakin. Obi-wan's act of duty to master and child, something that could be easily disallowed by the Council but they allowed it. Backfired on them. They taught this child, then teenager then man, that they are encouraged to love, unconditionally to those that could labour ill will to them. They died by a betrayal that stung so deep. Not just because Anakin was the Chosen One. But because that was their friend, classmate, possible tutor and helped around.

The children saw him and saw safety. But he killed them. Those children in a similar position to him as a child, before an adult asking for direction and only be met with a gruesome end.

The tragedy of the Jedi is that their kindness and their way, of going down with their principles was their downfall. They tried to help the clones by not resisting the draft as to make sure the clones weren't subjected to unfair Admirals, they tried to make sure that they could help the planets they were stationed on as much as they could in their stay, they tried to keep eachother up when there was so much death. It was all difficult and a few slipped through the cracks because they couldn't be everywhere at once. And the amount of Jedi dying was happening at such a high number that the council wasn't the same number it was at the beginning of Phantom Menace. And that as before Order 66.

In the end, the Galaxy lost the Jedi Order and the Jedi Order died the way they lived. Hopeful and trusting. After it all, the rebellion had some Jedi around, such as Ahsoka, Kannan, and Erza, doing what the Jedi before them did. Helping those who needed it.

I haven't watched Andor but I've seen a few talk about the lack of Jedi showed how much the Galaxy needed the Jedi. So I will leave that comment at that.

But my god, I love the Jedi.

[ynnova]

Hello! Wanted to start off by saying that I love your posts. I follow your soloist OC and your writing blog too and I love all of your writing and visual edits! I don’t see much idol reader content so I think this blog is so much fun!

Are there any viral moments of yn from the Will to Power tour? Times where yn had atinys going feral during performances? Maybe some fun moments with the members on stage or funny interactions with atinys from send off? Or maybe even cute/funny moments with the members at soundcheck/sendoff (you don’t have to answer all of these if you don’t want to!)

Also, are there any viral/iconic moments of yn from Wanteez? (Going through a wanteez drought and currently rewatching episodes)

Thanks for taking the time to write for us and for sharing it! Excited for all your future posts!🫶

( 🪩 ) A BREAKDOWN OF Y/N DURING WILL TO POWER TOUR (AMERICAN LEG )

iconic moments aka atiny going feral :

THE LOOKS!! you never failed to serve when it came to outfits. be it for soundcheck, during, your solo stage, or during the ending.

it was just look after look after look

you even altered the official tour shirts by cropping them or adding ribbons to them (you've done this with past tour shirts so you're continuing the tradition at this point)

you also rocking the strapless shirt that was released with the tour merch... atiny were so shocked that you and your stylist managed to have everything stay in place.

the dance break between you and wooyoung which had atiny dying – your closeness sending atiny reeling

dying your hair red and debuting it at the phoenix concert

the entire stadium singing 'cosmic' during the new york show and you revealed later that it was so loud that you couldn't hear the music or yourself

lightinys turning pink during your solo

they turned other colors too during your solo but a lot of atiny thought the pink was super pretty

the 👏 vocals 👏 always 👏 hitting 👏

YOU SUDDENLY BREAKING OUT THE SEXY BODY ROLLS

both atiny and the guys were going crazy over it

you simply breathing, trying to catch your breath, and the entire stadium loses their minds

you smirking and atiny start barking

moments with the members :

jongho, yunho, and mingi pouring water on you at the la day 1 concert and soaking you

you then immediately going up and hugging wooyoung after and getting him wet as well

you confessing that you have matz memorized and so the boys make you rap part of it and you do which then makes you flustered

fans also caught seonghwa and hongjoong smiling as they watched you

probably the most iconic moment with you and another member is when san kissed you during 'dancing like butterfly wings' at the arlington show

you were so stunned in the moment and multiple atiny caught it from different angles and it went viral right after the show was over

hongjoong accidentally proposing to you during duluth day 1 and atiny absolutely losing their minds over it

you were having an outfit issue and seonghwa – who was three members away from you – effortlessly helped you without saying a word before going back to where he was standing

ateez and atiny singing 'happy birthday' to you at the new york show (your birthday was the next day) and you crying while jongho is singing a high note in the background

mingi smashing your face in the cake right after and wooyoung doing it again two minutes later

during an end ment, you were on the verge of tears but turned away so atiny didn't see you cry – as you cried, yeosang came up and gently hugged you and hid you from atiny's view and cameras.

jongho letting you baby him JUST ONCE by squishing his cheeks

you constantly flirting and teasing the members during the ments or performances

you using atiny's phones to take videos and selfies with the members

soundcheck moments :

san coming up and backhugs you while you sing and you immediately lean into him as you do so

you playing with mingi's hoodie strings while he raps and the two of you dancing

you and yeosang accidentally wearing matching outfits but he tells atiny that it was planned

you and hongjoong posing together and showing off your matching tattoos

you reading a sign that says "y/n! who's sexier? you or wooyoung?" and you immediately mouthed 'me!' while pointing to yourself

calling atiny "baby" and "love" at multiple soundchecks which make them lose their minds

wooyoung kissing your cheek and you kissing his in return and leaving a mark on his cheek

another atiny had a sign that said "y/n do you have a boyfriend?" and both you and san read it

you laughed at it but san frowned and made a thumbs down as he pulled you to him and walked away

sendoff moments :

looking at wooyoung with disgust whenever you see him try to eat a kirby plushie – he did it on purpose cause he knows you love kirby

an atiny commenting on how great your butt looked in the pants you were wearing and you turning and smirking at them

atiny telling you to say 'hi mom' and you instead say "hi mommy!"

an atiny gifting you with a beaded bracelet that said "sanyn" and you wearing at the next concert for the encore stage

you constantly calling every atiny cute and complimenting their outfits

and then smirking when you make them flustered

you posing with different plushies

the other members actively photobombing your photos

and you looking at them with disgusted each time and other fans catching it

your manager stressing every time you cuss with the fans

"you look so fucking pretty y/n!" "you're so fucking pretty too!"

you asking an atiny if they had a good time and they said no, so you said "good" in response with a straight face

[my-rose-tinted-glasses]

I've been thinking about Futtara pretty much non stop since it aired and I rewatched the episode and I have a couple of thoughts. First of all, I've read the novel sex scene so I'm aware of the differences. But here is why I don't have a problem with it. I have no idea how they arrived at that scene in the novel. I have no idea of the conversations they had before. Since that scene is so different, perhaps in the novel things leading up to it are also different so no use, in my opinion, to compare the two at this moment. I understand some people's disappointment with this part, even before the translation was known, but that wasn't really the case for me. So this is my view on the episode, and I respect that people had different feelings about it. Anyway...

Like I said before, it was never about the sex. Not really, as @emotionallychargedtowel l said here, and I agree, sure the sex was important cause it was the catalyst for everything so far. Them not having it and wanting to and all that came with that. But the way I see it, the actual sex was just the last step in the progression of these two coming together and by extent cheating on their partners. I should say that the flatmates relationship continues to be the most nebulous so I'm not sure, if it would even be called cheating, but since Sei said that keeping a secret was the reason for him to be in that room in the first place, I'm gonna use the general term of cheating for both of the pairs for now.

"I'm not gonna break or anything." - Sei

One of the things I really liked about this whole episode was that I felt like Sei was just wanting control for once. He left the house, he wanted to go to Hagiwara, he wanted to be touched and he wanted to have a secret from Fujisawa. He's been caged in for so long, that those emails and this relationship, more than just allowing him to have sex, it allows him a freedom he's been missing. Their house is this still place, untouched and unspoiled by exterior forces, but it's also a fragile state of things. Because all it takes is a small change in their routine to bring it all down. That first email exchange was the first disruption in this home, in this stillness. And from there, every day the ripples get bigger until something breaks and cannot be easily put back together.

"To think nobody wants this body. What a waste." - Sei

I love this sentence. Because it can go both ways. Yes, Sei is speaking to Hagiwara, so of course he means Kaori, but I also think he's talking about himself here. Because although he has expressed desire for Fujisawa, he never had that returned. So in a way he never really felt that anybody wanted his body too.

"Saying something like that is unfair. Felt like I was gonna cry." - Hagiwara "You're neither bad nor dirty." - Sei

I'm not taking anything away from the sex itself, and the fact that they are finally able to have it. But in the end, more than it is about the act, it's about validation. And that's why this is such an emotional moment for Hagiwara. I think he had given up on that. On being able to show all of himself and feel accepted. For the first time in a long time his desire was not met with rejection or perceived disgust. And again I think Sei is talking about himself here too. He has tried more than once to get this from Fujisawa, but he was always rebuffed and in a not so subtle way. So he has come to accept that, in this context, what he's been feeling is bad or dirty.

"Nothing will change. Nothing will be destroyed." Sei "We promised right? We wouldn't destroy anything?" Sei In the hotel room. / At the end in the office.

This is where things really get messed up. I think Sei and Hagiwara before they had sex, where looking for some of the same things but also something different. Sex, obviously, connection and validation. Everything I mentioned before. But for Hagiwara, it quickly became about something else. It was about sex first, then it was about sex with Sei, specifically. He no longer simply wanted to be touched, he wanted Sei to be the one to do it.

For Sei, I think he had a plan in mind. Just get the thing done, and get out. Almost like an item to check off a list. And somehow he thought that after it, he would be fine, and he could just carry on with his life as it had been so far. And not destroy what he had with Fujisawa. Like sex was the problem, and once he had it, everything would be fine. So the life he had at home was still untouched, if all he got from Hagiwara was something that was absent there.

"What are we going to do now? Now that it's come to this... What are we going to do?" - Sei

He never entertained the possibility that it would be more than that. That it would go beyond the sex act. And all of a sudden, Hagiwara is bringing emotions into this, that go beyond the physical and Sei is a bit lost. Cause he needs to be able to go back. And this is where the nature of the flatmates relationship becomes an important piece that it's still mostly missing. Why does he want to go back? Why is it so important that this doesn't destroy what he has with Fujisawa? Does he love him? Does he feel indebted to him? Has he been conditioned in some way? Or does he believe that that is all he deserves?

He left that hotel room, and a part of him believed, that everything that had happened there, stayed there. It only existed in that place and time, and wouldn't touch anything beyond it. He went back to what his familiar. The glass box Fujisawa built for him. But things are not so easy for Hagiwara. He let feelings in and they follow him beyond the walls of that hotel room. And the fact that Sei seems so unaffected by it, hurts him deeply. Because he thought he found himself an equal, that since he understood him, he would also match him emotionally after the fact. But Sei, is not capable of that. Or not willing at least.

I'm trying not to focus on the preview right now, as difficult as that is, and just look at what we know so far. And I need to understand Sei better. I need to know what is motivating him right now. What exactly is he holding on to with such determination?

[miriadalia]

Things I want to talk about rewatching part 2 trailer today calmly and slowly after the hype:

1. Tory probably being the karate pariah in the middle of the stupid dojo feud

I found this image on X and it broke my heart in many pieces T-T

Seems like everyone will be so caught up in rivalries that they won't even remember she's going through a freaking mourning phase (arrrrghhh)

2. Senseis Kim and Kreese having no lines during the trailer

Why did they decide to keep this two characters, who are known to talk shit every 2 seconds, quiet and kind of in the background?

Except from the scene where Daniel shoves Kreese into a wall, they are barely seen during the trailer. What are they up to?

They can be seen training Tory and Kwon, but they look at them thoughtfully, not angrily or disappointed....... Hum, it just seems interesting to me.

Also Kim looking at Tory with no hatred, but... Vigilance? Concentration? Will she keep Tory as a protegée after learning that she decided to fight for her mother?

I mean, Kim keeps her family in high esteem even if her grandfather is an as*hole. Which is a very traditional Korean point of view. Maybe she kind of feels respect towards Tory after seeing her fighting for her family even in the middle of her mourning.

Or maybe she's just keeping an eye on her since she doesn't trust her still.

Side note: I love the Cobra Kai team aesthetic with all of them wearing entirely black, except from Tory (foreshadow that she still has some Miyagi Do inside her heart?).

3. Sam, Axel (?) and Kwon (?) fighting against Cobra Kai students

This 2-second-footage of the trailer is giving a lot to talk about. But the way I see it, it's impossible to know what's happening in this scene with just 2 seconds 😅

My first impression was Sam and Robby fighting against Kwon and the rest but... We can't see the tall guy's face so I assume people are right and that is really Axel.

Other thing that's not clear is: Kwon is fighting against them or with them? Or simply fighting but not because he wants to help them? Because we still know too little about him, it's difficult to say.

What got to my attention is that Axel isn't moving while Sam fights the Cobra Kai students. He's just observing, not even trying to fight Kwon or something. Weird......

Whatever happens, if Axel doesn't help Sam, then she's gonna end up very badly. She's so skilled but there's no way she could win that fight against THREE fighters that have been training their whole life and are much bigger than her. If that happens then they really are gonna pull the PLOT ARMOR for Sam and the rest of Miyagi Do.

4. Don't think Miguel is crying because Sam got hurt in this scene

I think it's too obvious. It's what they want to make you believe with the trailer, but we know that they like to mess a little bit with the plot so you won't know exactly what's going to happen until you watch the episodes.

Johnny's crying too, so maybe something bad happened with their family in the Valley... I hope not.

Anyways, I want to see them both happy and winning T-T we've followed this duo since season 1 episode 1, it's time for them to shine again as first sensei-first student of the new Cobra Kai!!

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️

i loooooovvvvvveee this one!! im so excited for all the angst leading up to bobby finding out (or i guess charlie realizing that bobby is eddie’s boss). so happy for eddie growing emotionally - him accepting that he’s in love with a man, and that man is the 2nd most important person in his life 🥲 someone he can’t lose. 💗💗💗

also, does frank canonically have a husband? or is that a headcanon ive absorbed? (i watched 911 in like 2 weeks and i thought he was paralyzed until i rewatched the s3 xmas ep and he stands up and is an amputee 🤦‍♂️)

HEY! Thank you so much! I am really excited for sharing it.

And tbh, I recently rewatched, and I don't think we know anything personal about Frank. So that might be fanon.

---

78 for ❄️:

---

"I know it feels like forever, but believe me. The wound isn’t as deep as it seems. You’ll get him back.”

Eddie’s eyes start to well up. “You don’t know that for sure.”

“I do,” Charlie says. “I do know.” 

“How?” Eddie asks, helpless. If someone has answers he is desperate for them.

“You feel like you’re at the end of something, but you’re so young. So ahead of where most of the people in our group are. You are going to do better, because you’re braver and stronger than you realize. You will get through this. And this will all just be a distant, painful memory. This isn’t your whole story, Eddie.” 

Eddie can’t stop the tears in time. He starts to cry, right in full camera view of Charlie. 

“I’ll prove it,” Charlie says. 

“How can you do that?” Eddie asks tiredly, voice tight enough to crack.

“I’ll fix things with my brother,” Charlie announces. 

“What?” Eddie asks. 

“Doesn’t matter what happens between you and your guy, okay? I’m letting you out of the deal. I will still talk to my brother,” Charlie says. 

“You will?” Eddie asks, blinking through his tears. 

“Yes. I will. That is the oldest, deepest wound in my life left with someone alive to mend it, and I will do everything in my power. If I can do that, there’s no way you can’t fix things with your son. Much sooner.” 

“You don’t have to… Just to make me feel better,” Eddie blubbers, sort of pathetically.

“Not just to make you feel better,” Charlie smiles. “It’s about damn time to be brave, I think.” 

Eddie takes a deep breath. “Yeah. Maybe you’re right about that.”

“I’ll let you know how it goes, okay?” Charlie assures him.

Eddie nods. “Thanks. I really hope it goes well. You deserve it.”

“I hope so, too.” Charlie sighs. “I guess it’s time for me to plan a trip.” 

“Your brother doesn’t live in Wisconsin?” Eddie asks. 

“No. I moved states decades ago. He has too.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Eddie mumbles. “Well, good luck. Safe travels. And uh… I believe in you.”

“Thanks, kid. I believe in you, too.”

▪️▪️▪️

After his call with Charlie, Eddie thinks a lot about being brave. 

Not about Buck. That’ll take some courage, sure. But not the most courage. And it’s not the most pressing need, either. He loves Buck. He loves Buck so much. He wants them to be together, and he wants to be a good partner for him. Someday. Hopefully. But he knows that none of that will make him happy long term if he doesn’t fix things with his son. 

He needs to be brave for Christopher now. The way Charlie is being brave with his brother. 

Only, he doesn’t quite know how. What is the line between being brave and trodding over boundaries? How does he make things better without risking making them worse? 

[lavender-twilight23]

~Lavender’s Marvel Re-entry Record~

The Falcon and the Winter Soldier (2021) (1 Season)

Date Finished: April 27, 2025

Rewatch (to prep for The Thunderbolts*!)

Favorite character(s): Bucky

Ratings (out of ten)

Characters: 6/10

Pacing: 6/10

Performances: 8/10

My rating: 5.5/10

Describe the project in one word: Mid

Favorite thing: The exploration of Bucky’s character post-Endgame and the development of Bucky and Sam’s relationship.

Least favorite thing: Dr. Raynor

Favorite scene(s): Bucky getting deprogrammed by Ayo in Wakanda in 1x4

Notable quote(s):

“Hello. How are you?”

“Good. What did I miss? Nothing.”

(basically just all of Sam and Bucky’s banter in 1x2)

General thoughts: 

The show is very entertaining and it keeps my attention! But I wouldn’t call it one of the better MCU shows. Its high points are very high, and the low points are very low.

High points: Bucky and Sam’s characters are a joy to see grow through this show, both individually and as partners. I love seeing more of Bucky’s relationship with the Wakandans and that dynamic, as well as Bucky finding his way in the world again. The opening scene of 1x4 is one of my favorite MCU scenes EVER because it fed my hunger for Bucky whump as well as Sebastian got to flex his acting SO hard. And it’s the first time we’ve ever seen Bucky full-on cry. Which as a whump lover, I’ve always wanted :P I also love the introduction to Sam’s family!

My in-the-middle point I guess is John Walker. I’m super excited to see him back for The Thunderbolts*, first of all! His character is REALLY interesting, if not a little morally grey, and I look forward to seeing him in the future of the MCU outside of The Thunderbolts* too. But when I first watched TFATWS, I was so blinded by hate for his character that I couldn’t see him as anything other than the villain, or, one of them. I refused to believe that he had redeemable qualities and was filled with a seething hate for him every time he walked on screen. Since then, I’ve read and watched a bunch of things and I’ve actually grown to, not love his character, but definitely respect it, and I’m actually invested in the future of his character!

Low points: Dr. Raynor and Karli and the Flag Smashers. I was never really fond of the Flag Smashers and overall, Karli as a big bad. I can see what Marvel was trying to do with Karli, they were trying to create a sympathetic villain who had been driven to this point through being treated unjustly, but I really don’t think it worked? I can’t really pinpoint why, but I never connected with her. I didn’t really care when she died, I didn’t feel anything for her. I do like the development in the last episode where her closest followers and friends didn’t say the motto back because they were no longer comfortable with how low Karli was stooping. But overall, I didn’t care for Karli, I’m glad to see her in the past of the MCU and I like the kind of neutral status the Flag Smashers have since most of them were apprehended and then there was the whole ‘Zemo got the last laugh’ cliffhanger at the end.

With Dr. Raynor? Oh my God here we go– I despise Dr. Raynor so much. This is one view I’ve had about this show that has not changed since first seeing it when TFATWS was coming out. She is a shit therapist and Bucky deserves so much better. I’ve heard her described as the therapist Bucky needed because she calls him out on his bullshit and meets him halfway with his stubbornness. Okay, yes, but there’s pushing back against his stubbornness and ‘tough love’ and all that, and then there’s flat-out INSULTING him during sessions and violating his boundaries and clearly making him uncomfortable by writing in the notebook which Bucky voices that he doesn’t like, being dismissive of him opening up and actually being vulnerable, and then just… AHHHH I REALLY hate her character. I think they try to brush it off as oh she was a soldier too so it’s okay, they can relate and blah blah blah– NO. When Bucky says that he wants peace and Dr. Raynor says “that is utter bullshit” pissed me off SO much. What’s wrong with wanting peace???? And yeah sure that’s broad, but you can dig deeper and investigate that answer instead of calling his whole display of vulnerability ‘utter bullshit.’ And then when Dr. Raynor says the whole “but you’ve got your mind back, you are being pardoned, I mean, these are good things. You’re free.” I have so many issues with that. Not the words themselves, but the WAY she says it, especially compared to how Ayo said “you’re free” in the deprogramming scene in 1x4. Ayo says it as a comfort and it means so much and holds so much weight coming from her AND due to the situation/circumstances. When Dr. Raynor says it, and HOW she says it, she just sounds so DONE and so DISMISSIVE. Almost like she’s saying ‘you’re free, there you go, what’s the problem?’ Just because Bucky has control over his life and his choices now doesn’t mean that he’s ‘free’ from all of his trauma and pain. Overall, Dr. Raynor pissed me off so much and it genuinely hurt to see ‘therapy’ scenes with her. It seemed like Bucky said a permanent goodbye to her in the show’s finale though, so hopefully we won’t be seeing her again.

In short, this show is entertaining with some really fun and wholesome moments, good action, and some good emotional depth at times, but it’s not much else, I wouldn’t say it’s anything special. But if I were to turn it on during a rainy Saturday, I would enjoy it.

(All Marvel re-entry record reviews are under the tag #my marvel record)

[callipraxia]

From A Certain Point of View

I managed to rewatch "Double Dipper" in its entirety, and was inspired to try my hand at recreating a scene from the point of view of one of the clones. Specifically, from the point of view of Dipper Three, later known as Tracey. Paper Jam Dipper's dialogue and maybe half the rest of the dialogue is transcribed from the cinestory comic. Enjoy!

The high-pitched humming which filled his ears ended in a sort of shtunk noise, and Dipper had just enough time to notice how weird the ceiling looked from his current point of view before he felt himself falling. Lightly, lightly falling. Drifting, really, for the few feet between the printer tray and the floor of Stan’s office.

And then, all at once, he could see his own nose again. A moment later, the ceiling started looking normal as his eyes blossomed into 3D form and Dipper stood up, shaking away the excess paper which had encased his limbs. Tyrone grinned at him and gave him a thumbs up, which he returned.

“’ Sup, man?” they asked each other simultaneously, and then they both laughed.

The copier lid screeched, and Dipper Pines clambered down on the floor to beam at Dipper and Tyrone. It occurred to Dipper that one of them was really, really going to need to come up with a third name they liked. Maybe he should be Mason? It felt kind of weird, plus he knew Dipper – the original Dipper – was sort of thinking about maybe calling himself that someday, too, maybe in high school or something, but he was going to give himself a headache at this rate, if he didn’t come up with something to call one of them other than Dipper….

“Eugh,” he said in the meantime. “Fair warning, guys, that jealousy fantasy you just had? It’s not any more fun remembering it than it was seeing it.”

“I know, right?” chorused the other boys, and Dipper felt a fleeting sense of dislocation – he was the Dipper who was out of step, but they were all Dipper, so how could they not be in step? They’d all just had the same memory, simultaneously, for crying out loud –

The Other Dipper made a face. “Our entire plan – “  the long to-do list Dipper had written earlier – “will be completely wrecked if anything like that ever happens in real life – “

“ – so we’ve got to get rid of Robbie,” Tyrone finished for him.

“And that’s where you come in, number three,” said Other Dipper, leaning forward to scribble a 3 on the front of Dipper’s hat.

The other two were still smiling, but Dipper saw a problem that neither of them seemed to have considered, and frowned around another fleeting moment of desynchronization as he pointed it out to them. “But what if Robbie catches me?” he complained. He glanced at Tyrone for backup. “I’ll be all alone.”

“Yeah, he makes a good point,” said the clone with a 2 on his hat, but Other Dipper was already nodding.

“Okay, one more,” he agreed with them both. “One more clone.” He lifted the copy machine lid and scrambled up onto the copying surface once more. “Four Dippers. This is a four-Dipper plan.”

The machine hummed again, and light washed over Dipper’s face as he perched beside Tyrone on the desk, just as it must have washed over Tyrone’s face alone only moments before, though Dipper hadn’t been able to see that at the time. This time, though, another perfect copy of them all didn’t fall to the floor immediately, and instead, the humming of the machine was overridden by a horrific screeching.

“Uh-oh,” said Tyrone, jumping down to help pull Four out of the machine, seemingly ignoring how it was smoking and smoke meant at least the potential for fire and fire probably wasn't good for any of them. “Paper jam….”

Tyrone glanced back over his shoulder with a slight smile at Dipper, which was why Dipper was, by a millisecond, the first one to yell “aah!” in surprise as something that nobody could ever mistake for Dipper began to materialize in front of him.

“Nyanyanya!” wailed the misshapen face rising from the crumpled sheet which had apparently not been improved all that much by Tyrone’s efforts to smooth it out on the floor before Number Four could rise. “Nyanya-Naaaaa-naaaa!”

Dipper had no idea what that meant, but he was pretty sure he agreed. Or would have, anyway, if he had been a paper jam clone of himself – but he’d never been a paper jam copy of himself, so –

“Aaxuxaa!” exclaimed Paper Jam Dipper, laboriously pulling himself into a sitting position beside Tyrone, who was still kneeling on the floor, paralyzed, like Dipper and Other Dipper, with shock. “Ssuaa-aaaa!”

The three normal Dippers all glanced at each other at the same time, and Dipper knew the other two were thinking the same thing that he was: if nothing else, this Dipper would sure be able to act as a distraction, all right….

“C’mon!” he exclaimed when neither of them seemed like he was likely to get there any time soon. He understood why Tyrone and Other Dipper were a logical team, it had been their joint decision to even print him in the first place, but - “You’re not gonna make me partner up with him, are you?”

He expected Tyrone to immediately agree with him again, so it came as a surprise when the other clone glared at him, getting onto his feet and carefully lifting the Unidentified Dipper-Like Object from the floor.

“Ssshh!” snapped Tyrone. “Don’t be rude!” He turned back to look at the mangled version of them in his arms. “Hey, buddy,” he said kindly to it, further continuing to act like he thought it could even understand him, even though they had absolutely no evidence to support that idea right now. “Hey, it’s okay – “

“Aaaa-kkkkxx-kkkkxxx-a!” gabbled Paper Jam Dipper. Dipper, out of options for clone solidarity at this point, looked instead at Other Dipper, who was still seated on the copying machine and who nodded.

“Okay, just one more clone,” he agreed, lying down and pulling the lid as far shut as it would go for a third time while Paper Jam Dipper somehow maneuvered its hands well enough to grab the bill of Tyrone’s hat and pull it down over the other clone’s eyes.

While Tyrone scrambled around trying to push it back again without dropping P.J., Dipper hopped down from the desk to hover anxiously over the output tray as the copier hummed back to life again. This time, though, there were no screeches or puffs of smoke, and he caught and then quickly smoothed out a sheet of paper which held another perfect replica of the boy on the copier, only distinguishable from Dipper and Other Dipper because he was currently two-dimensional and in black and white.

“Whew,” said the latest Dipper as he stood, shaking off his excess paper as he finished assuming his third dimension and the ink on his body dried into the standard colors they all had. “Am I glad that worked better than the last time….”

“Dude!” complained Tyrone. “You’re supposed to be us, why are you both being like this?”

Dipper exchanged a glance with his newest clone and then said, “be-cause you’re also thinking the same thing and just not saying it because you were printed off before we realized a magic copier could paper jam?” he hazarded a guess. “Unlike us?” he pointed to New Dipper.

“Yes I am!” said Tyrone. “And so’s he – “ Paper Jam Dipper shrieked again – “and him, too.” This with a nod to the original Dipper, who was once again getting down and opening his Sharpie in order to write a big 4 on the blank patch of New Dipper’s hat. “We’re all we, guys, come on.”

“We are?” said New Dipper. “I – “

“ – don’t have time to have an existential crisis right now,” said Other Dipper, snapping the cap back onto the Sharpie with a click that seemed meant to cut off that line of thought. “We’ve got to get moving. You’re good with the plan, Dipper Four?”

“Of course I am, Dipper One,” said the newly-christened Dipper Four, with a bit of an eye roll. “I made the plan, remember?” They all laughed, and Dipper Four grinned, clearly pleased with himself for restoring the good mood. “So, how many Dippers do we think it takes to change a lightbulb?”

“Probably more than it takes to steal a dirt bike,” said Dipper, before the new Dipper could embarrass themselves any further. “Since that’s just the two of us. C’mon, let’s get this show on the road.”

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Stampede Wolfwood got Metaphorically Isekai'd (No This is Not a Shitpost)

Oh my god if this winds up being part of my legacy I'll probably cry.

So. Everyone who's watched the new show knows that Wolfwood is introduced by getting hit by Meryl's van in the middle of the desert where he is literally the only thing to get hit for miles around. What an entrance. Welcome to the team buddy.

[ID: A screenshot from Trigun Stampede Episode 4. At an above view, the van has spun, unfortunately sending the trailer back part crashing directly into Wolfwood. He is starfished face-first into it, rather comically. End ID.]

It's funny as heck, but, since I am deranged, I'm gonna try and convince you that this is not only an isekai joke, but that the basic premise of an isekai actually applies fairly well to Stampede Wolfwood in the first season... but then a lot of the standard tropes are made into notable and tragic subversions. Also please note I have never actually watched an isekai anime so maybe take all this with a grain of salt. Or several. (Also isekai is a really broad genre. I'm talking specifically about the tropiest things to come out of it - please don't take what I'm about to discuss as representative of the entire genre!)

In the manga, and I believe in the 98 anime as well, Wolfwood is spotted by Vash while him and the insurance girls are travelling on a bus. He is out in the middle of the desert, and so thirsty and exhausted he's initially mistaken for dead. Vash and the girls manage to cause enough of a ruckus that he is literally saved (which echoes the influence they, but especially Vash, will have on him later on), and they all end up on the bus as him and Vash become acquainted - the start of their companionship, and the start of their journey together (being quite literally on a moving vehicle). In the 23 anime, it all seems set up to give us the same intro: there is a vehicle, Wolfwood is clearly exhausted from trekking through the desert, Meryl and Vash are there... and then, suddenly -

[ID: Two screenshots from Trigun Stampede Episode 4. In the first, Wolfwood is walking with Punisher across the sand with a bright blue sky background. He does not see the van coming into sharp focus on a direct path towards him. In the second, Meryl, in the driver's seat, looks out with a shocked expression. Roberto's hand has reached over to grab the wheel. End ID.]

Pfft. Sorry I had to rewatch this to get the screenshots and I swear it does not get any less funny. Anyways, Wolfwood gets hit instead of getting rescued, but the end result is the same - he ends up in the vehicle and his journey with them begins.

So. Why the difference?

Well, I can only really speculate, and honestly it was probably just for the humour of it, but I do have another (deranged) suggestion.

See, Wolfwood in the manga is a little different from Stampede's Wolfwood - he's a lot friendlier for one (though no less trying to scam people), and he's got a little bit more self-made purpose (protecting and providing for the orphanage), even if he still lacks true agency. Stampede Wolfwood, by contrast, is a lot more aimless. He's on constant survival mode, which makes him a lot more openly abrasive right from the get-go, more cavalier about his own life (smokes way more than in the manga, takes bullets when there's actually no reason to), and a lot less in control of his outward persona (there have been many observations I've seen on how he's not the best at holding back his emotions - imo I don't think manga Wolfwood is especially good at that either, but in Stampede, it's really obvious).

Stampede Wolfwood also plays up his "monstrousness" a lot more in front of people, which is probably the most significant difference to me. Manga Wolfwood... doesn't exactly try to hide it, but he tends to take a "well, somebody had to do what needed to get done" attitude, like a kind of tired "I know there's no going back and I know I've turned into a monster. This is all I know how to be now. Somebody has to make the hard calls." But he feels shame about it all the same - look at how he puts his sunglasses on whenever he's about to do something he finds reprehensible (well, except the Ninelives fight... but no one was around to witness him there). It's made pretty explicit later that the glasses are a way for him to say "don't look at me. don't see what I've become".

Meanwhile, Stampede Wolfwood never takes the glasses off. He's much more upfront about the threat he poses - calling out Vash for not watching his back, outright saying he could've shot him - not a smart move when trying to earn someone's trust. His teasing, when he does it, isn't quite as playful, and has a bit of a bite to it. It's almost like he wants to be hated; like he's torn between justifying the necessity of his actions and convincing others that he is just as much of a monster as he feels.

I really think the key differences have a lot to do with their respective situations. Wolfwood in the manga... he got out, for a bit. He couldn't go back to the orphanage, but for at least a little bit, he wasn't under the Eye of Michael's thumb, he did get to meet people outside of missions and travel a bit, and was acting on his own intent... until he ended up pulled back into it because of Knives. Stampede Wolfwood has been under their control since he was taken from the orphanage. Everyone he loves is a hostage. He's taken on the name of his weapon and has known nothing else except this world of darkness - there's very little to imply he's travelled or spoken to anyone without it being for some mission. He's under consistent surveillance.

This "babysitting" mission, then, is something very different from his usual. It's not an assassination. Even more so, it's putting him in close contact with people who are not part of the world that he inhabits, the only one he's known since he was taken, which kickstarts significant changes in his life. You could even say he's been... transported to a different world than the one he'd lived in up to this point...

Enter Truck-kun. Or, rather, Van-kun.

Alright, so what is an isekai? Essentially, it's a wide-ranging genre where the protagonist gets transported or reincarnated to another world (usually regular world -> fantasy/sci-fi world), and typically involves an ordinary person becoming important/powerful in this new world - the genre is, a lot of the time, a mix of power fantasy and wish fulfillment.

Obviously, there is no literal transporting to another world here; it is still very much the same world (I'll bring up why this is important later.) But it's notable that Wolfwood remains very much the outlier in their group - he does not blend in, and his methods and approach are very different to that of the rest, who do not come from the same "world" as him. It's the start of a pretty drastic change in situation for him. It's why I really wish there were more episodes showing his dynamic with the group before it all went to hell - I bet he was so awkward.

The next thing I want to mention is that if you thought I was going to be arguing that there is a standard isekai parallel here... well I lied to you. A lot of the common tropes actually get subverted in kinda heartbreaking ways.

Usually the protagonist of an isekai (not always, but often) is some kind of chosen one. They are able to excel in situations that others cannot, and it's usually because they bring some kind of skill or knowledge from their old life that the people in the new world, obviously, don't. They tend to become ultra powerful, well able to take on any of their challenges in this new world, with advantages others don't have.

This doesn't sound like anything to do with Wolfwood after being hit by Meryl's van. But it sure sounds an awful lot like him after being taken by the Eye of Michael.

He is transferred from his comparatively normal life to one straight out of a sci-fi horror. He's a chosen "Child of Blessing", ranked "S+". He was able to survive grievous harm and experimentation, "excelling" where most other hapless kids did not. What did he bring with him from his old life that none of the people in his new life seem to have that allowed him to survive in the way he did? Well... he had something to protect didn't he? That's how he continues to struggle on. This is far from the sentiment shared by people like Conrad and Legato.

And so Wolfwood becomes ultra powerful - his body is fast, strong and resilient; he's efficient and good at what he's been trained to do. But this is far from anything he wanted. The power fantasy is subverted. Wolfwood is powerful enough to handle pretty much any threat that's thrown at him... but all it does is isolate and alienate him, and make him feel like a monster. Another aspect of isekai is that freedom one gets from being able to start over and become someone closer to their ideal self in a new setting - that's the wish fulfillment part. Well, Wolfwood has never been further from free, or less like the person he wishes to be. He hates everything he has become, but can't get out. Unable to change his situation, and increasingly jaded and disillusioned, Wolfwood takes on the moniker of "Punisher" and gives up on his old self. "Wolfwood" has effectively died.

Other than "transfer" isekai, there is also another kind - the "reincarnation" isekai. I'm not going to even touch bringing up the premise of reincarnation with a guy who carries around a giant cross on his back as I am far from qualified (knowing very little about Christianity at all), but I think it's worth noting that Wolfwood's arc (in all iterations) has much to do with his ever-present conflict with Vash over morality, but also just as much about his struggle to reconcile the person he was with the person he was forced to become, and if there is such a thing as forgiveness or redemption for him.

If "Wolfwood" has died before the story started, then he is "reincarnated" over the course of the story as he slowly starts to find himself again, with the kickstarting impetus being him getting hit by Meryl's van.

The changes don't start instantly. He wakes and things seem relatively normal - the plan is working, there's someone obviously suspicious of him - all stuff he's probably very used to. And then Vash goes and completely blindsides him.

[ID: A screenshot from Trigun Stampede Episode 4. A close up of Vash's face in the dim lighting, with eyes softened and a smile. End ID.]

"I can see it in his eyes."

Okay, so we all kinda giggle a little bit here because who the hell says that to some sketchy guy wearing dark sunglasses in a dark cave-like area when you've only just met, but I really want to stress that this is probably the first truly positive interaction Wolfwood has had in years... and I think Vash is well aware of that.

Wolfwood starts the transition from darkness to light... quite literally.

Almost all of Wolfwood's defining scenes are in the darkness of night, in contrast to the brightly lit desert in the day - think of when he moves away from the fire to speak to Zazie at the end of his intro episode, and assassinates the EoM traitor at the beginning of episode 6. In episode 5, we also get this:

[ID: Two screenshots from Trigun Stampede Episode 5. In the first, Rollo has Vash pinned to a metal wall by his neck. The sun can be seen between the two of them. In the second, Rollo lies dead on the ground. It is now night, and Vash stands over him, head low. Wolfwood stands a distance away. End ID.]

As Vash tries to speak to Rollo, to talk him down, the sun, though setting, is bright and illuminates both their faces. This all comes crashing down, literally, as Wolfwood takes the shot. Rollo falls, the sun stops shining on him, and by the time they all reach his body, night has fallen and the world is in darkness. The light goes out for Rollo... and in Wolfwood's eyes, for him too. He shot out of mercy, after all. He's living a nightmare he sees no escape from nor feels deserving of escaping from - worse, he feels as though he's a part of that darker setting, dragging it into their journey along with him.

However, we've established the lens of the "reincarnation" isekai for the purposes of this analysis, and along with that usually comes a way to compensate or reconcile for missed opportunities or mistakes made in the past by becoming something closer to one's own original ideal - sometimes this can even be a literal starting over, by being reborn into one's own younger self. And that's the importance of what Vash says to Wolfwood in episode 4 - he sees the potential in Wolfwood; the old self he thought had "died" a long time ago. Vash knows he's not the person he's been made to become and encourages him - not to do as Vash does, but to do as Wolfwood actually wants to do but thought for the longest time as hopeless. After all, what is a blank ticket if not a second chance or a new lease on life?

On the sand steamer in episode 6, the scene starts off in daylight once again, but after Wolfwood realizes the new assailant is Livio and we see their backstory, the snap back to the present scene is at night, and the scene darkens as the situation becomes more dire... and as Wolfwood comes to the conclusion that he will have to kill his brother.

But as Zazie's bug, or "eye", gets shot by Vash deflecting what would have been a fatal blow to Livio... suddenly, Wolfwood is free to act without the EoM's ever present surveillance. This is a serious step to severing the binds to that old life, and, as Wolfwood ultimately does not want any harm to come to Livio, he finds another way. And the sky starts to lighten again.

[ID: A screenshot from Trigun Stampede Episode 7. A close up of Livio's face with a distant, pensive expression. A wisp of smoke trails underneath as the pinkish hue of the sunrise is seen in the background. End ID.]

Of course, while this does succeed in waking him, it doesn't actually save him. But it is enough that Wolfwood decides to try letting a little bit of hope back in - to acclimate, even if just a little, to Vash's ideals, or his "world". Wolfwood's wish, to protect the orphanage, is (temporarily) fulfilled - in broad daylight, and without the death he'd been so accustomed to in his old "world". While he outwardly denies it, angrily telling Vash that he is no longer "Wolfwood" and instead merely "the Punisher", that "I'm not like you", the episode's title card, which appears directly after this exchange, does not agree.

[ID: A screenshot from Trigun Stampede Episode 7. A black background with white text; the title card for the episode that reads "#07 Wolfwood". End ID.]

He's more himself than he's been in a long time.

In that sense, going back to my insane original premise, we can say that he was isekai'd once by transfer, turning him into someone else... then isekai'd again by reincarnation after he thought his old self dead, helping him to start on the path to finding that younger self and that hope he thought he'd lost. It's a double subversion, in a way, as the first is far from wish fulfillment, and the latter is actually a restoration - a realization that as he slowly starts to transition to the light, he actually never left this world at all when he was changed against his will. He's not a monster of the dark. He still has a place in this lighter world.

Heartwarming, in a way, but also kind of heartbreaking, as if he hasn't truly left this world then there are still consequences.

Wolfwood, after this, still has to complete his contract. He didn't actually get out.

And Vash, for all that he appears to be someone "not like" Wolfwood, is actually far more similar than he'd initially suspected - Vash, too, came from darkness. The Big Fall happened at night. And even as Wolfwood's world grows lighter, Vash's grows ever darker as what he has tried to stave off bleeds into the light, culminating in the events of July, which take place entirely at night, and are truly Vash's darkest hours. Rather than Vash being some naïve creature of a lighter world that Wolfwood cannot reach, he is instead another person from darkness who is struggling for the light all his own.

Because of course, there is no "lighter world" or "darker world". No true "travel" between the two. Just one world that is both at once. And what one finds in it is dependent on what one chooses to read into their circumstances. A kinder, brighter world isn't something they can simply get isekai'd to. It's something these characters have to struggle to make a reality - it's what Vash does, it's what Meryl takes a stand for, it's what Wolfwood, deep down, wants to believe is possible. Hope is something you build yourself, etc.

Anyways, I can't believe I just wrote all that. I think I'm losing my mind. If you came out of this going, "Story, what the hell are you talking about?" then... well. Me too. Thanks for reading anyways!

[ozimagines]

I wouldnt call this a request, more of just a thought that needs heard about kirk as an actor in general, i absolutely would rip out the beating heart in my chest to use as payment, to see a rendition of frankenstein, with kirk as "the creature", like if i had the power to go back in time to about 1997 or 1998 and make it happen, i wouldve done it yesterday. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind, he wouldve absolutely KILLED, COOKED, AND ATE up that role.

like if they did a modern rendition ( more really like late 90s) rendition of frankenstein, it would be utter perfection, everything about him would work for the role, he's handsome in a different sort of way (book says the "creature" was supposed to be a perfect male specimen, but corrupted), he can be very sweet and innocent and puppydog like, while at the same time being an absolute psycho as well (showed us that PERFECTLY in OZ), and plus just those eyes, those big friggen round puppy eyes would just be the cherry on top, he would be the frankenstein that you would all three, be creeped out by, cry over (the thin red line and BOB anybody?), and thirst for, all at the same time.

Anyway this is just the ramblings of a theatre kid who saw a potentially missed masterpiece for an absolute BEAST of an actor, i hope i didnt take up any of your time, thankyou for listening to my odd ted talk

Holy fuck, you're too damn correct. I would absolutely die for Kirk as the creature; that idea of him being the perfect specimen corrupted is really just Miguel's story with a hat on lol. So fucking here for this take. In fact, I'm so here for it, I wanted to write something about it. I know you weren't requesting but even so, this gave me an idea. I know that wasn’t the intent but you can’t type something that fucking real and not expect me to go overboard with it lol. Really your fault when you think about it. 😉

Also I read the book a long ass time ago and watched the original movie even before that so bear with me. I’m trying to mix Mary Shelley’s style of writing with my own so the dialogue may sound dated. Also just rewatched the Cabinet of Dr. Caligari so the creature is also based off the somnambulist Cesare.

(Below is a song that inspired me to write this. Wael is a street musician in New Orleans, where my mom is from. One night, while picking up some food for my family, my mom and I were walking back to our place, food in hand, when we stopped at a light and waited to cross the street. There are street musicians all over New Orleans, and the world is filled with light and fire and sound and music. We were about to cross, when I heard a violin starting a song. It was hypnotic to the point of being cruel; gorgeous to the point of upset. It was the most lovely sound I’d heard in my life. I begged my mom to stay. I told her it felt like a sin to leave something this beautiful without hearing how it ended. We stayed, the food getting cold in our hands, as this marvel of a man, Wael Elhalaby, changed the way I viewed the world. I told him then and there, my being only ten years old, that he was what music was supposed to be. I went home and wrote poetry and stories, all playing that tune over in my head. My heart almost hurt it was so beautiful. My mother purchased me his album when it came out two years later, and his fame started to become a staple in New Orleans street culture. I reached out to him years later on instagram to tell him what an inspiration he’d been in my life. He responded and told me he was happy his music affected me so. Please listen to this if you can. It inspired this piece and is aptly called “Feeling”. This story is a mix between Frankenstein and this anecdote.)

Like God

His eyes cracked open. That’s what it felt like… cracked. The light flooded in, and his hands immediately raised to stop the assault. With the light on his face and the blipping and whirring and boiling of the lab equipment surrounding him, the shock from nothingness to sudden fullness was overwhelming. His voice strained into a kind of growl and hiss all in one. He heard someone chuckle, and the light was pulled until it faced the floor.

“He’s alive!” Dr. Morales reveled in his trophy; the perfect iteration of man, inked in strength and fortitude of the masculine identity. His assistant, Raoul, cut the power pulsating through the creature’s limbs and brain, charging him with life and fire and sound and music. Dr. Morales ran a hand over the creature’s face, marveling at the marble-esque taughtness of the skin.

The creature rattled and groaned and shook, moving his hands in his restraints, flexing each digit and limb, the passion of life already embedded in his blood.

Dr. Morales watched his creature struggle and panic, the torture of being born fully formed being a torture to him immediately. It is a horrible thing to be born with a grown mind, filled with sinister complexities and existential dread. The creature’s thoughts raced. Normally, one is born and must figure out the who’s and what’s and where’s before moving onto the how’s and the why’s. This beast was filled with all at once, and it is a savage existence to be pondering the who and the why at the same time.

Dr. Morales looked at his assistant, Raoul, who immediately returned the look, hands shaking and heart aching in its fear.

This was nothing like what they imagined. None of the beauty and light but all of the terror and anguish. The creature’s thoughts raced thrashed around, making horrid noises that one might hear from the undead. It was though; it was undead. It was alive by every technical denotation, but not by the connotation of life and love and sex and rock and roll.

The two scientists immediately repulsed in their creation, Raoul Hernandez in his fright, reaching across the laboratory and picking up some jagged metal rod, running at the monster and attempting to run him through. The creature, with reactions strong enough and rapid enough to give a jaguar a run for its money, ripped itself from the slab and plummeted to the ground, dodging the attack. Raoul impaled the slab, attempting to remove the metal and go back at the beast, just as its hand reached up and started choking the life out of him.

“Stop! You listen to me, monstruo, stop it!”

The creature didn’t stop. He squeezed the life out of Raoul, not stopping until there was a sickening crack and the cessation of spasms in the short doctor. The creature dropped him to the ground, staring at his cursed hands, not two minutes old, but now tainted. Dr. Morales, in his fear and anger, charged out of the lab and onto the streets, screaming something about a beast worse than Hel and Baphomet and Cthulhu combined; a fiendish thing hellbent on madness and revenge for having been violently ripped into this world in the first place.

The creature towered over the body he’d created, eyes still open and glassy, the terror of Death gripping them and filling them with juicy despair. He couldn’t stop looking at his hands; his terrible hands. The creature sprinted from the lab, rushing onto the street, clad in nothing more than what he had at his conception. He rushed past a shop window, stopping only when he saw movement, and alarmingly checking for whatever the new danger might be.

It was a reflection, and the monster took a moment to connect the reflection with himself. He touched over his face and abdomen, his finger flinching around scars forever old. His muscular body flexed and contracted with every moment, his mouth half hung open at the marvel that was himself.

He heard whispers that morphed into screams that morphed into accusations behind him, and turned to see the calamity his mere presence had caused. The flash of every camera was enough to put him off balance, the terrified clamoring clanging around in his head and driving him to madness, if he wasn’t already acquainted.

He rushed from his surroundings, a few people grabbing at his arms and pulling on them, trying to keep him from his escape. He cried out, terrified, brain being filled to the brim with words and knowledge and yet no context or information on how to use them.

“St-stop!” He cried just as the doctor had in the lab, seemingly his only experience with terror matched with this. He rushed from his persecutors, heart absolutely pounding in his anxiety. He got away from everyone, panting and straining those barely used lungs. His breath only hitched when he’d heard a sound… so unfamiliar to him in pitch and melody… but so familiar in his heard. The symphonic whine of the violin made his eyes water. He had no idea a sound could do that to a person. Taking a few cautionary steps forward, his eyes landed on the source of the musical cry. It was a single man, skin tanner than his, fingers more nimble, mind more at peace than his ever were or was. He peeked from the side so as to not bring on his assault.

His black hair fell into his eyes with every belt of the instrument, arms and fingers working wildly to produce a sound this insanely complex and concentrated in its love. The creature tilted his head to the side. The man was beautiful too, lips pursed and lazy eye searching everywhere, closing no at random intervals. How extraordinary a specimen, and he was made to perfection as much as the creature was. The monster knew in an instant that this is what love was; it was a beautiful pain that compels you to act. He knew, then and there, that the musician was to be his and his alone.

When the song ended, the monster felt he could cry forever in his grief, but the musician had a crooked smile on his face, taking a short, lazy bow. He collected his money and closed his violin back in its case.

The creature followed him, if only to find where an angel or demon as powerful as he was meant to go. The musician turned in the streets, feet rhythmically moving to a song only he could hear, show spins and saunters from time to time. He was greeted by a few shop owners as the monster slunk past the alleys and darkness like Cesare in the night, face gaunt and haunting.

“Buenos días, Chico!”

“Buenos días, Gloria! Happy St. Miguel’s day!”

(Hoping this is a thing in Hispanic cultures. For Italians, we have Saint Days, which are feasts to celebrate the saints and everyone named after them. We have St. Michele’s day in Italy, so I think it would be a thing in Latin countries. Couldn’t find a clear answer. It’s colloquially known as Michaelmas.)

“You too!”

The musician kept that little dance in his steps, a skip here or there, a side step from time to time. The monster was enthralled, elated, excited in his new love. New, virginal love was something too pure for this world, and too lovely to be denied. His heart physically ached in his now lifelong love, that haunting melody still rattling around in his brain.

“Chico…” his lips moved along with the woman’s. “Chico…” he said again, having been his second word in this world.

The musician stopped in an abandoned street, and looked over his shoulder, trying to find whomever had said his name. The creature didn’t move. He couldn’t afford to, hitching his breath and hoping that the man wouldn’t find him. Chico kept looking around, until his eyes spotted movement in the reflection of a puddle. He froze.

“Who’s there?”

“Buenos días…” the minster quoted without context. Chico relaxed, calling out to whomever was in the shadows to reveal themselves, as he didn’t mean any harm. The creature revealed itself. Chico gasped, sharply. The creature winced and turned to run, but the next words out of Chico’s mouth had floored him.

“St. Miguel?”

The creature quirked a brow.

“I’m sorry… it’s just that you bear a striking resemblance to St. Miguel…” Chico said again, and the monster tried to form words in his mind, having had some implanted upon his birth with barely an idea as to how he could use them.

“I’m… Miguel.”

“Are you now?” Chico smiled, and the creature, now Miguel, mimicked the motion back without meaning to. Chico had a breathtakingly handsome smile. “Well, happy Saint day.”

“Thank… thanks.”

They stared at each other for a moment, before Miguel’s eyes trailed down. Chico blushed for a second before he realized the man in the shadows was staring at his instrument.

“I’m a musician. Street one, anyways. This is my violin.”

“I heard you…” Miguel spoke gravelly, voice being used for the first time. “It… I thought it was beautiful.”

“Gracias, Miguel.” Chico ran a hand through his black hair. Miguel’s heart skipped a beat and a warmth spread throughout his body.

“Play for me again.” Miguel asked softly, his harsh and aching voice being too strained by these new phrases of his. Chico grinned.

“Sure, Miguel. It’s your day.”

He ripped his violin from its case, plucking at the strings like a second nature, hands moving immaculately along with the music. Miguel closed his eyes, his body and mind and spirit becoming one with those glorious sounds. It was almost sinful to be this beautiful. Miguel stepped out of the shadows, and Chico’s eyes widened. He went to scream but self aborted the attempt, finding himself lost in the creature’s eyes, dead flesh and marred skin being lost in his brain.

“Miguel?”

“Please,” Miguel croaked. “Don’t stop.”

Despite his reservations, Chico didn’t stop playing, only seeming to close his eyes and lose himself more in the movements. Miguel kept walking up to him, taking step after aching step, mouth parted open, eyes intense and fixated. Chico kept playing, as if he were playing for St. Miguel the archangel himself.

“Who is like God?” Chico suddenly asked the air, stopping the shredding of his violin if only for a second.

“What?”

“That’s what Miguel means. Who is like God? The answer is supposed to be no one… but…” he gestured to Miguel in his half human, half divine form, but said nothing. Miguel felt he understood well enough, anyway. He placed his hands on Chico’s hips, standing behind him as Chico got back to making his sweet music, Miguel’s lips grazing over the back of his neck, smelling his natural scent, falling in love with except aspect of his new love. Chico played as he would for any angel; with devotion and love.

His song came to a close, and he turned his head to see Miguel’s eye shut and a peaceful expression on his face.

“Gracias, St. Miguel.” Chico made the cross on his body, kissing his hand afterwards.

“Demon! Monster!”

Miguel recognized that voice, and as Dr. Morales rounded the corner, he saw that this time, the doctor had brought an army of torches and pitchforks and angry faces. His eyes flicked to the fire on the torches, the fiery beauty being too much for him, and he recoiled as if he’d been burned at the mere sight.

Chico stepped out in front of him.

“Stop! This is St. Miguel!” Chico spread his arms in front of his new love, making lid protests. Dr. Morales went to shove the street musician to the side, when Miguel’s strong hands gripped his shoulders and threw him with ease at the wall opposite of them, another sickening crack and spurt of blood drowning out Morales’ cries. The crowd repulsed.

“Miguel!” Chico cried, grabbing his hand and pulling him into a run as they sprinted away together, hand in horrible hand. The creature picked Chico up by the waist and carried him up the fire escape of some dilapidated building. When they were sufficiently away, Chico turned to Miguel.

“Who are you?”

Miguel thought for a moment before stepping forward and placing his lips on Chico’s softly, placing heavy hands down on his abdomen and circling his thumb gently under his shirt.

“I’m Miguel… and I’m all yours…” he mumbled into Chico’s mouth, and Chico, knowing it was insane of him to accept that answer, leaned into Miguel and kissed him back.

“Come away with me… unless…”

“Anything for you, St. Miguel…” Chico wasn’t a devout Catholic, but he’d be cursed if he didn’t listen to the calling of his archangel. “I’m yours too, Miguel.”

Miguel and Chico turned to move, the quickness of their feet carrying them over rooftops and people who would wish them dead, but their hands never disjoining.

Many people speculated that they took residence in the old laboratory on the hill, but mob rule dispelled that theory months later. Some thought the men took to sea. Some thought they ran off into the stars. Truth was, they were lost somewhere in time between everywhere and nowhere, Chico playing melodies for Miguel that poets and symphonies could only dream of creating, each sound lost in love and light and fire and sound and music.

The creature knew, as he laid with Chico at night, that the love of his artist, the man who loved him, made Miguel like God.

[drivingsideways]

Year-end discussion in the Indian film space was dominated by the success of controversial film maker Sandeep Reddy Vanga's latest offering of undiluted misogyny and rage, appropriately titled "Animal"; but the best commentary I've seen on failed fatherhood and violent, toxic masculinity this year comes in a 2 minute scene in Kaathal: The Core, where a wizened old man testifies quietly in a family court that yes, he always knew that his son is gay, and still coerced him into a heterosexual marriage.

Kaathal: The Core isn't a film without flaws; one could argue that it's the quintessential film made about queer people by straight allies- actually more interested in the reaction to queerness and the adjustment to queerness by cishets, than in queer lives; that it has a one dimensional view of the reality of queer living in India. It has its moments of what I call "educational speechifying" that feel tonally at odds with the rest of it, but again, this paternalism in Indian cinema of the self-consciously "progressive" variety isn't unfamiliar.

The ending feels a little trite, and some artistic choices- an actual rainbow in the sky appears as the two lovers drive off into the sunset of their newly liberated lives-feel particularly anvil-like- much like the ending of another of director Jeo Baby's films, The Great Indian Kitchen, which was an exploration of the brutality of Indian-flavoured patriarchy. In short: a movie filled with intricately and deliberately placed subtleties that occasionally - somewhat inexplicably-loses confidence in its audience, and chooses to remedy that by being a bit over the top.

But those are minor quibbles. This movie gutted me. The story revolves around a middle-aged closeted gay man from a small close knit village community in Kerala whose life- and the lives of those around him- is thrown into disarray when his wife of twenty years files for divorce citing his gayness as the reason for the breakdown of the marriage- a step she takes just as he's nominated as his party's candidate for the local elections. With this premise, you'd be forgiven for expecting the movie to be high decibel melodrama- and possibly a tragedy- from start to finish. Instead, it deliberately chooses the quieter route, the most tender one; while not flinching away from the grim realities of widespread homophobia, it portrays both individuals and a community who , in a moment of crisis, discover that they are better than they think they are. And it does this not from a jingoistic, self-congratulatory ethno-nationalist perspective- but from a place of genuine love- as a reminder and a beacon in these dark times.

All of this is anchored in some fantastic performances- Mammootty once more showing up to remind us why he's one of the greatest living actors in the world, and Sudhi Kozhikode as Thankan in what should be a multiple-award winning performance as his long time lover. I've rarely seen an actor make so much of their limited screen time. When I say that minutes 50-52 of this film are the most devastatingly tragic-romantic moments in world cinema, you'll think I'm exaggerating and perhaps I am, but I can also guarantee that you're going to want to rewatch that sequence at least ten times and cry about two old geezers in love. Lives were changed in those moments, no lie.

My one disappointment in terms of performances is Jyothika, playing Omana, the long suffering wife. Omana is one of the stand-outs in the history of female characters in Malayalam cinema, and Jyothika is- barely adequate. When you contrast it with a similar role - say Hsieh Ying -xuan's performance as Liu San-lian in Dear Ex (2018)- the flatness is even more jarring. Still, the sheer love with which her character and her relationships, especially with her husband, are written carry the film through.

Tl;dr: watch it on Amazon Prime or at a theatre near you! You will not regret it.

[arizonaraine]

SHC: Kevin McCallister, Home Alone

So, I've not posted anything in years. But I am alive and well, thanks for asking :) Merry Christmas to those who celebrate! I recently rewatched Home Alone and have been thinking about my favorite blonde home security system's sorting. See TLDR below if you want a summary.

Kevin starts the movie as a very immature Snake primary. He wants what he wants-- a plain cheese pizza and a room to himself-- and doesn't seem overly concerned with the feelings of others. When he wakes up and discovers his entire family has disappeared, his first response is jubilation. I personally think that a Badger primary would have been pretty disturbed by this sudden lack of community, and a Bird would have questioned a bit more exactly what happened. Kevin, as a Snake primary, goes about living his best life. He jumps on the bed, raids his brother's room, eats a massive ice cream sundae, and watches the movie he was excluded from viewing.

The more time he spends alone, though, the more he realizes that he loves and misses his people. He sleeps with the family picture under his pillow. When making his request to Santa, he says, "I just want my family back. No toys, no presents, nothing but Peter, Kate, Buzz, Megan, Linnie, and Jeff. And my Aunt and my cousins. And, if he has time, my Uncle Frank." Frank, it seems, hasn't made it into Kevin's tiered Snake primary loyalty system.

Another hint at his primary is his conversation with Old Man Marley. He says, "I don't care how mad I was, I'd talk to my dad. Especially around the holidays." His dad is important than being right in whatever disagreement separated Marley and his son. I think a Lion wouldn't have that same sentiment, even if they missed their parent.

Lastly, after he runs home from that chat with Marley at the church, Kevin says, "This is my house. I have to defend it." What makes it worth defending is that it's his.

I think that Kevin has an impressive Bird secondary, though an argument could be made for Snake. The way I see it, Kevin is a planner. In his post-shower monologue, he lists all the things he's done til that point, and then discusses what he plans to do later in the day. He makes grocery lists and clips coupons. He draws up a master plan for the defense of his house, using tools that he's collected up to that point in the movie (micro machines, Christmas ornaments, etc.). He utilizes the mannequins in the basement for the fake Christmas party.

While he's pretty good at pivoting, it doesn't seem to be where he's at his best. At the grocery store, he manages to avoid the cashier's questions (Actor Bird?), but he doesn't appear to take any pleasure in being sly. He uses the movie the trick Marv, but it leads to further suspicion from Harry, which spells trouble for Kevin. When he's caught at the end, he doesn't try to run or talk his way out of it-- he's just stunned. His plan, which had been going so well, failed! Thankfully, his Snake primary saves the day. The connection he forged with Old Man Marley pays off. (The ending scene where he and Marley wave at each other always makes me cry.)

TL;DR

Kevin McCallister is a Snake primary who is alone in his inner circle in the beginning, but realizes how much his family means to him and brings them into his value system. His Snakey connection with Old Man Marley saves him in the end. His Bird secondary enjoys laying plans, clipping coupons, and making lists. He can pivot when he needs to, but that's not the first tool that falls to his hand.

(@wisteria-lodge what's your archetype name for the Snake Bird again? :))

[stitching-in-time]

Voyager rewatch s6 ep12: Blink of an Eye

People seem to really like this one, but I honestly can't fathom why. I've always considered it a pretty average, unexceptional episode, and I still do.

The idea of a planet that rotates faster so that time passes more quickly there than the rest of the galaxy is a reasonably interesting idea, but I don't think it was used well here. Voyager gets stuck in orbit while attempting to learn more about the planet, and we get glimpses of the aliens down on the planet reacting to, and theorizing about, the presence of Voyager, which appears to them to look like a very bright star in the sky. While it could have been interesting to follow the development of a planet over thousands of years, I think just don't think this story is truly imaginative enough to make it work. Even as a kid watching this for the first time, I remember thinking it was lame that this planet's development so exactly reflected European Earth society. Also, the attitude toward the earlier stages of the alien culture's development felt very condescending- as though 'primitive' societies were/are all stupid and illogical, and that they couldn't possibly come up with logical, reasonable beliefs about natural phenomena, so they just make up nonsensical superstitions. I can't stand it when people who've done no actual research incorrectly assume that prehistoric humans were stupid savages, and I don't care for it being posited here as some sort of universal truth. Such a Euro-centric view of history, with European civilization being presented here as somehow universal, with these aliens almost exactly recreating medieval Europe, also really bothers me. That they only become open minded and enlightened when they reach our level of technology is another dumb thing that prevents me from being able to invest in the story. Any time white guys posit the prevailing Eurocentric patriarchal view of history as some sort of inevitable, universal thing, I check out.

There's a few interesting elements- the Doctor goes undercover on the planet to try to find out if the people there have any knowledge that would help Voyager break free, and ends up living there for three whole years, which all happens off screen. He apparently had a wife and son while he was there, which is definitely a way more intruguing story to hear about than what's going on on screen in the ep! To give a character a whole other life for three years, only to have it waved away is like, what??? Even for the Doctor, who kind of treats everyone he supposedly loves like they're just annoyances to him, I feel like that would be a pretty big deal he'd have mixed feelings about. While I'm sure he would have been happy to see everyone on Voyager when he got back, leaving his new family behind should have been sad and difficult to some degree. If he's supposed to be so human, and more than just a computer program, I really think we needed to see some reluctance and grief at leaving them behind. But that's not the focus of the story, so we don't get that. The Doctor had a whole 'Inner Light' Picard experience going on there for crying out loud, and it doesn't even change him at all?? Ugh. The priorities of the Voyager writers baffle me.

So anyway, the aliens on the planet eventually reach a level of technology where they launch a space shuttle to explore Voyager, and one of the aliens survives coming aboard and transitioning to Voyager's time differential. He reveals that some of his people want to build weapons to destroy Voyager because of the earthquakes it causes on their planet. Janeway convinces him to go back to his people to convince them to stop, despite the fact that having been on Voyager for more than a few minutes now means that he'll be going back to his planet's future, where everyone he knew and loved will be dead. The dude is remarkably nonchalant about it- yet another sacrifice of story for plot. The personal implications for all these characters are waved away because there isn't enough time to explore them properly and get through the main plot- but it makes me wish they had chosen a different storyline that would allow the characters some breathing room. As it is, trying to take on this giant 'let's follow the development of this planet that's just like Earth as some sort of metaphor' story is way less compelling than they think it is. When the individual human stories we could connect to get lost, it's hard to care or be invested, which ultimately, I never was in this episode.

The score of this ep is clearly trying to show us how poignant this story is supposed to be, but I never connected it with it, despite how hard this episode tried.

Tl;dr: A big idea that was poorly executed, and failed to make the emotional impact they clearly wanted it to have, because it was too broadly focused, and not especially imaginative. It missed out on the individual human stories that would have given it more interest and more heart.

[kawaikith]

☾ my views on true beauty.

One of my favourite k—dramas, I’ve enjoyed watching so much, half of the time, I was toppling over, and couldn’t get enough of moon kayoung, and cha eunwoo, both of them did a great job in their own roles. Something about eunwoo really suits sooho’s character. He nails it.

There were so many scenes I loved watching, some of my favourites were, when moon kayoung (excuse me, please. I don’t remember her drama name) decides to change her appearance, learns all make-up in the world, and bam! Transforms into a different girl than her old school apperance, second scene where her friends are celebrating a birthday or anniversary, and the cake gets dumped on her face. (I watched this series months ago, so i don’t know how accurate this is, forgive me).

When sooho asks her to return the comic book, she doesn’t understand, and goes to meet him with a helmet on her head, lol 😆 she’s so funny without even doing anything big, i was laughing so much, i remember, my sister came asking for her bedroom if I was okay.

Later, when sooho refuses to give the bag to her, she tells him there are sanitary pads in there, and he immediately lets go of them. She’s so intelligent, I love that.

When eunwoo kisses her under a tree, tells her that he loves her too.

When seojun’s friends mistake her for the ghost near the well, and run away.

Those moments when she first joins the school, and they all go to party and have fun, those were the scenes and friends i wanted in my life.

Jukyung had wanted to have friends for so long, and watching that made me a little happy for her.

I relate to jukyung so much, i mean, if the boy I like told me to return something, and i didn’t want him to see me, i would wear a helmet too. 😂

Oh, and I loved Hwang in yeop’s character’s style, those dangling earrings, the bad boy vibe, but a good boy on the inside, just like our maknae, jungkookie!

When soojin and jukyung meet on the bus, and jukyung thinks soojin is so cool.

At the end of the series, when jukyung finally understands where beauty lies, how sooho is such a reliable boyfriend, how she gets jealous when every other girl in the cafeteria (or the place where they both eat) start to look at sooho, for the first time, she calls him “jagiga” I was screaming at my screen, like an excited kid.

When jukyung teaches her bullies a lesson by beating them up and standing up for herself.

Jukyung’s sister and her school teacher, these two made me laugh so hard.

That scene where her sister drops her at the gate, and she looks around to see her teacher walking by, and just when they are about to meet each other, jukyung comes back to the car, telling her sister tha she forgot something, _____(sister’s name) she pushes the teacher so hard, i kept rewatching this scene because it was so funny. (너무 웃기다) as they say in business proposal. (Nomu ukyeo).

How after knowing the truth, the pain and blame sooho carried on his shoulder after his friend died, made me cry too, I was comforting sooho from behind the screen, my boy suffered so much alone.

I loved the trio friendship between sooho, seojun, and seyeon, his name, again. I can’t remember. 😅

[fellow-nerd]

Time to go crazy about the characterisation changes in the new atla cuz oh boy do I have thoughts

The main thing I noticed for all of them is that this show is focused about telling a story about a war torn world and how that affected everyone first and a coming of age hero story second, which is a choice considering the source material which balanced them both extremely well.it never had to be so heavy handed for the audience to get it but that also could be because it's a kids show at the end of the day 😅

Aang: where is my adventure loving kid. He just wants to ride the Elephant koi and show his new friends cool things. Yes, his past weighs heavy on him and expectations press down, but he's still just 12. It takes him time to work through his grief and his reluctance to save the world and that is literally his big arc. Learning to grow up and save the world (becoming THE avatar ya know). This Aang gets with the program quick and is only concerned with helping people and stepping up, like little dude ur telling me u don't want to go penguin sledding. I dunno it just feels so off. Love the stuff with gyatso too.

Katara: she's actually the most true to her og character I think. I just wish there was more focus on her like there was in the og. She was my first favorite charcter, put some respect on her name. It was criminal to give the opening to kyoshi, like girl u have ur own novels to be in! ALSO WHY DIDNT SHE BREAK THE ICEBERG!!! UGH SO MAD AT THAT.

Sokka: look I get it It's the year of lord 2024 misogyny has no place. So why don't we tell the story of how a guy learns that those views are wrong and how to change ur views rather than pretending that it never existing, like erasing it. As much as it can be critiqued Sokkas misogyny was the catalyst for Katara to hit the iceberg and free Aang. Narratively this gets them both invested in Aang and just shows Sokkas growth on every rewatch. They could've toned it down but it's a big part of his character growth and what are the gonna fill that with, if anything at all.

Suki: now her in live action I can get behind. She ate and left no crumbs. She put Sokka in his place and stole the episode for me. Also I loved the addition of her mom, honestly goals. Can't wait to see how they utilize her throughout she's the best. No comment.

Jet/freedom fighters: pretty much the same, I didn't love the condensing plot lines all into omashu tho

Teo/Sai: same as above but I loved the Way the two interacted it had so much depth.

Iroh: not sure how to feel. It feels wierd hearing iroh not voiced by Mako ya know. Like his dailougue was fine but it lacked that inflection Mako had which really Gave iroh all his character. It's big shoes to fill and it comes so close. I did die for the line where he says he's the one who owes Zuko. Like. Ugh. The implications of that. How Zuko made him wake up and gave him a reason to keep going. Its enough to make a girl cry.

Zuko: oh zuko, zuko, zuko, zuko. Again tough shoes to fill. I think that the characterisation is all there the challenge comes later on when we get his redemption arc. I do love the seeds they are planting especially in his relationship to Iroh.

Azula: now I called it as soon as I saw that girl, knew it was her who else could I have been. Just as evil, just as lustful for power, definitely in character for her to be doing what's she's doing this early on. Will definitely keep tabs on this one.

Bumi: now he about WRECKED ME ok. It was rough. I loved this recharacterisation. If ur gonna give us a war torn world, give me the war torn ruler, whose been carrying all that trauma and burden on his back for 100 years. Of course he's gonna be mad at Aang of course HES gonna BE MAD himself. So yeah it was rough to watch but because it was so hard hitting to see how war destroyed Bumis mindset, and then so wonderful to see Aang give his oldest friend a piece of himself back

In conclusion I care about Avatar way too much and will be ranting about this even more as I continue watching

[blindrapture]

it's time for jordan's little media review corner

I finally got around to watching season 3 of True Detective. it was surprisingly rough to get through. like, *emotionally*. something about watching a man, lost in his own head, detaching from his loved ones as he continues to obsess over a non-profitable project. real hard to stomach, and this show asked me to stomach that for about six or seven hours.

I note that this season made a conscious choice to feel more like season 1-- rural America, country accents, moody well-spoken men with conflicting views on the proper procedure for detective work. I get it, certainly. True Detective is, in every season, every episode, every scene, *drunk* off of a certain slow-paced self-reflexive vibe that lends itself well to this kind of plot. and, after having rewatched the black sheep season 2 recently, I.. yeah, I was glad to be back to a two-man protagonist group questioning the darkness at the heart of a community. but season 3 lost something of a.. uniqueness of place. seasons 1 and 3 are kinda going for similar vibes, with their differences of plot and theme (which, trust me, are delicious differences). season 2 *benefitted* from being a completely different thing, a dark city modern film noir, seedy and corrupt with a complex intertwining cast. where season 2 got weird was.. well, for me at least, it was only the very last episode. it lasted forever while giving too much plot too quick. (and it killed characters I didn't want to see killed. :c when I finished watching season 2, I just felt legitimately depressed.) season 2 needed more episodes. I would have liked to see how the plot would have felt if the showrunner was given more time.

season 3 might have overcorrected. and it might have been, in some ways, an inversion of season 2 for me. I would finish watching each damn episode feeling legitimately depressed, I mean fucking *bummed out*, genuinely questioning if I wanted to watch another, genuinely wondering if I ought to just give up, sell these DVDs, do I even like this show? I like a lot about this season, I think the plot is legitimately clever, but it felt like it was made by someone who just... likes this plot for the opposite reasons I do, or something. season 2.. *did not* make me feel that way. but I say 3 is an inversion of 2 because, pushing through it, treating this like it's just a literary challenge, a Hard Book to get through, I did get to the final episode, and it paid off. it was worth it. it felt *right*. I still think it, uh, lasted a long time (pretty sure these DVDs have extended finales), could have ended about 20 or 30 minutes early, but these were *sweet* scenes, this was *uplifting*, this ending made me cry. so season 2 was my kind of thing but then had a depressing last episode that was strangely slow-paced. season 3 was all depressing and slow-paced but then had a last episode that was my kind of thing.

just, man, True Detective is a weird show. I can recommend it to people who want a good detective story, a good murder mystery, but it's like. it's anthology, each season is completely separate, and. season 1 has always been the only season that I can *absolutely* recommend. they caught lightning there. maybe it was the cast. matthew freaking mcconaughey as a modern american redneck sherlock holmes. woody harrelson as the straight-man watson (and surprisingly good at it, the chemistry between the two makes me laugh out loud). a murder mystery across two decades that gets tied up with The King in Yellow and a profound ending. and it tells the whole story in only 8 episodes. like, holy fuck, okay, that's intoxicating, that is a *good* season. I can recommend that to *anyone* who likes the sound of that.

but then, can I recommend the rest of the show? I don't know. I don't even know if I really *like* the rest of the show. the actors are always good. the plots are always clever. the music is always good too! and the opening sequence for each season is.. always a vibe, has not failed me. and if you are just, like, primed to always like a slow-burn no matter what, if you are just addicted to slow-paced TV for its own sake, you will *never* go wrong with this show. but there's just. something to it, man. sometimes the cinematography gets all the budget and the beat-to-beat writing takes a backseat, y'know? this is a show that loves to gild the lily. and that's much more appropriate in season 1 (where this show is a novelty), or season 2 (where there's so much plot and so many characters that gilding the lily is just *polite form* to help you keep track of what's going on). season 3 only has a few damn characters at any one time, it has to go out of its way to make the plot confusing, so the fact it still goes slow and gilds the lily means I'm.. *so* impatient.

all that being said.

loved the characters. loved wayne hays. mahershala ali, I had never heard of you, but, well, I have now. what an actor.

all that being said.

there's still a season 4. and it stars jodie. freaking. foster. and it's only six episodes. and it sounds *creepy*. and, yeah, I want to watch that.