#ryuusemz

[ephemeraev]

生き甲斐 excerpt from the love i once knew

i want to forget—not necessarily you—but the idea of how much i loved you.

let my affection be buried and travel through the heavens, to be with the stars along the universe. if you do not want it, let the world give it back to me so i can finally have it for myself.

if i dared to say i love you, would you have risked to say it back?

in fact, would you smile and tell me how obvious i was. like an open book—a raw manuscript with no revisions and cross-outs. just reminiscing this much had my wound bleed and reopened. through the letters i sent; messages i whispered to the wind, your name was always written with a comma after the ‘dearest’. i was never particular with apostrophes, marks, and technicalities i could not discern back when writing are yet to become my voice and liberty.

it never felt embarassing loving you bare—with no facades and learnt tactics. nonetheless, you told me you felt strangled, imprisoned, and stripped of your wings. you’re not free when you’re with me.

i had so much love for you which i thought just a waste of your time and attention—too cramped and overwhelming that you decided to trash it off and leave. how lucky must i be if you wished to stay but this is just a useless prayer i cried out, written with bruised fingers, in a piece of paper i found in my unwelcoming room. for the first time i wrote about this forsaken affection, i wept until my eyes shed tears no more.

and the first time i drafted about yours—the how's of your love, i mean—i was relieved i did not dare to ask you the question i have been meaning to ask before. those are probably just baseless hope and wishful thinking that canonically had me clinging onto the false idea of us—together.

i do not resent you—for now. even though the memories you left still hunts me, even though it still lingers. slowly, hopefully, i’d finally forget—not you—but how much love i felt and gave you.