#samatha's stranded thoughts

[ask-sb]

I think it's time to make a proper update. I've gotten introduced to alot of online friends recently and it's been helping with me not going insane out of loneliness over the summer. Though, I'm clinging a little too desperately to them since they're all I really have other than Em. I'm starting to give up on Vi, i don't think she loves me anymore and most the time ignores me. Trying to make plans to see Em but it's hard.

One of my online friends showed us a new media but then my mom got really bad again. It's all blurring together now but it's been weeks and she almost gets normal for a day but them it goes bad again. It's still not over and I dont know when it will be. Mom broke the car and lost her job (not in that order) and the apartment is a mess.

I've tried hurting myself and even stole that knife and hid it in my room but apparently I've lost my touch because I've barely bled.

I don't know how I feel, I'm not going to die but I want things to just be normal. Please.

[certifiedskywalker]

Lonely - Klaus Hargreeves

Klaus is an addict; you name it, he’s on it. The one thing that is out of his reach seems to be you. 

WARNINGS: language, drug use and overdose mention

“We really have to stop meeting like this,” you sighed the moment you looked up from the file you were reading. As soon as you read the patient’s name, you knew you were in for a treat. When you met the patient’s eyes, you saw that he knew that too.

“Oh, Y/N, how I’ve missed you,” Klaus drawled, a sedated smile on his full lips. You quirked a brow at him as you strode over to the end of his hospital bed. The file in your hand slipped into a holder so that any doctor would know what they were in for.

“You must have,” you bit back with a smirk. “Overdosing isn’t the way into a person’s heart, Klaus.”

“But it keeps bringing me back to you,” Klaus cooed as he sat up in his bed. You felt warmth wash over your body as Klaus’ bright green eyes scanned up and down your form. His slightly hooded eyes and loose smile sent a shiver down your spine.

“You may be charming, but flattery will get you nowhere here,” you said as coolly as possible. The shaking in your voice seemed to be well masked as Klaus leaned back in the bed with a slight huff. Pleased with the response, you walked to the side and check on the monitors.

“So if I say you look breathtaking under these hospital lights you won’t even smile?” You glanced down at Klaus and found his glassy eyes studying your features. Despite his addiction and lack of self-care, his skin was tanned which made him look all the more soft against the stark white bed sheets. 

It took all you had not smile right then, but you somehow fought the instinct. “If I do, will you promise to clean yourself up?” 

“If I clean up, will you go out with me?” His eyes widened, not wanting to miss an inch of your reaction. You watched Klaus’ face like film, waited for a punchline that would never come.

“Are...are you serious?”

“Never been more so,” Klaus said softly and you felt your breath get caught in your throat. Klaus peered up at you, pupils blown slightly that made the green in his eyes darker.

“No, Klaus,” you said in a single breath, “I can’t….”

Klaus’ eyes fell from your gaze and he nodded against his pillow. “I get it, I do. Sorry for pushing it.”

His apology made your heartache and you turned away from him to collect yourself. After you busied yourself with checking Klaus’ IV, you chewed on the inside of your cheek in thought. It wasn’t healthy, not to use yourself a prize; in fact, it was demeaning. To promise Klaus a date after he sobered up would be highly unprofessional. 

Still biting the inside of your cheek, you turned around and spared at glance at Klaus. He had distracted himself by tracing his fingertips around where the IV pierced the soft skin of the inside of his elbow. Old track mark scars shone on his skin from early hospital visits you remembered all too clearly. Klaus had been your first patient as a nurse, the first one you really cared for anyway.

When Klaus had stabilized and been thrusted back into the world of the living that first time, you had been overjoyed; but then you saw him again and again. Then the deeply sunken roots of his addiction had been unearthed. You had read Vanya Hargreeve’s autobiography after shifts which told you more than Klaus ever had between his flirtations and jokes. When you asked him about his childhood, his powers, his heart rate spiked.

You had spent the night in his room with him to calm him down. He looked just as dejected as he had then. Eyes downcast, lips in the slightest most delicate pout. You knew him better than you knew your coworkers which was both alarming and comforting all at once. 

“Klaus,” you began and the man turned his head to meet your gaze. “I want to.”

“Want to…?” He raised his hand in the air and waved it in gesture that invisible something you so desired.

“Go out with you,” you clarified and the moment Klaus’ whole face lit up, you continued. “But I want you to get clean first, not for me, but for yourself. I want you to make the choice. Then I’ll go out with you.”

“Okay,” Klaus beamed, “can I get your pager number then?” His teasing made you smile but you shook your head in response. Klaus’ face fell then, brows knitted together in confusion.

“You’ve found me more than once,” you said, referencing all of his hospital stays, “this time, I’ll find you. When I feel like it’s right.”

“And how will you know when it feels right?” Klaus leaned up on the backs of his elbows to peer deeper into your eyes. You would be lying to yourself if the intensity in his mint colored eyes didn’t send your heart into a frenzy. 

“I’ll be lonely,” you quipped before you leaned down a pressed the softest of kisses to Klaus’ cheek. When you pulled away, your were greeted by an even more befuddled Klaus.

“How am I supposed to know?” You only grinned in response and brushed your thumb along his cheek bone in a soothing manner. 

“You’ll get it,” you said softly, “I promise.”

Five months; it had been five months since Klaus’ last visit to the hospital and you were desperately lonely. So lonely that every few seconds, your eyes would dart to the clock and quickly run down the movement of each hand. Four minutes until your shift was done, then three, then two. The seconds could not count down fast enough.

A few fellow nurses and coworkers passed your spot at the counter as you closed a few patient files pulled up for future check ups that had been pulled up on the computer. Eight at night rolled around the clock and you shift came to a swift, anticlimactic end. You rushed towards the locker banks and grabbed your coat from inside. A nurse named Samatha bid you goodnight and you to her before you rushed out of the hospital doors before you found an excuse to stay. 

The cold night air curls around you like a blanket that repelled warmth rather than save it. It felt like feathers traced down your spine that sent chills shuddering through you. After you tugged your coat closer to your body, you began to walk down the street. Your tired eyes scanned over street signs until a rather nondescript building came into view. 

You approached and nodded towards the three figures that stood chatting idly outside the door with cigarettes balanced as ballerina between their fingertips.

“A nurse in NA? That’s a sight,” hooted a rather scraggly haired woman. The lines in her face and hollowed eyes made her look older than you imagined she was. You smiled at her nonetheless before you shook your head.

“Just picking someone up,” you quickly explained before you stepped inside. A musty scent reached your nose where it mingled with stale coffee from a machine placed on a foldable table. A few people were at work as they stack chairs. A familiar figure among them.

“Have a good night, man,” said a jolly looking man as he clapped the figure on the shoulder. 

“You too, Mark,” he replied and the man smiled. His dark eyes met yours as he made his way towards the exit. 

“You lost? The meeting is over,” he ran a dark skinned hand over his head. “The next one is on Wednesday if you want to sit in.”

“Oh, thank you, but I’m just here to pick someone up.” The man, Mark, quirked a brow before he gave you a smile. 

“Alright, have a goodnight, nurse,” Mark quipped as he walked past you. The figure you had been watching before had turned around at the sound of the exchange. Your eyes met his and you felt your heart jump to your throat when Klaus grinned at you.

Wordlessly, Klaus started towards you with his sneakers squeaking against the wood panel flooring. His arms reached for you, his hands grasp at yours like a child reaching for a toy; eyes full of pure joy. Fingers now entangled, you let yourself melt into Klaus’ embrace. He smelled like mint aftershave and the stale coffee that had greeted your senses when you entered; but he was still your Klaus.

You pressed your face into his chest as his let go of your own which allowed him to wrap his arms over your shoulder. Held close and tight, your hands curled into fists to gather the fabric of his t-shirt. He was warm, so warm, and the blue jacket he wore only made him more so.

“I got lonely,” you murmured into the fabric of his shirt. You felt a chuckle rumble deep from in his chest, a true sound unlike the frivolous laughter exchanged in hospital rooms. 

“Would it make me a piece of shit if I said I was glad?” A giggle slipped out of your mouth and you pulled away from the embrace. 

“You look…” you reached up and pushed a few strands of brown hair out of his face, “you look good, Klaus. Better.” He did, objectively, look much better from when you had last seen him. Cheeks a bit fuller, eyes brighter, and warm; oh so very warm.

“One hundred and thirty-six days clean will do that,” he jabbed as he moved his arms so his hands rested on the side of your neck. He peered down at you, his bottom lip between his teeth as he traced the line of your jaw with his thumbs. “You found me.”

The softness of his voice coaxed a deeper smile to your lips. “I found you, like I said I would.”

“Does, does that mean,” Klaus paused and you watched a flash of trepidation as it crossed over his face. You reached a hand up and cupped his cheek. Immediately, he melted into your touch and you smiled.

“I mean, unless tonight doesn’t work for you,” you began to tease and Klaus beamed down at you. “We don’t have to go out.”

“Oh, no, we do,” Klaus corrected, “it’s been a long four months.” You blushed at his words and the heat only grew when Klaus rested his forehead against yours. “You were right. It was better this way, I think. I missed seeing you though.”

“Would I be a piece of shit to say I didn’t miss seeing you, in the hospital at least?” Your reframing of Klaus’ words prior made him roll his eyes. 

“No,” he sighed, “but did you?” He stood up straight, entangling his fingers with yours as he began to lead you out of the building.

“Of course I did,” you said softly, squeezing his hand. “You’re one of the only people that made the hospital fun. Minus the kiddies in the children’s ward.” Klaus smiled as he held the door open for you and was about to crack a joke when the woman with the tangled mess of hair beat him to it.

“Klaus! Wait a minute, is that your Y/N?” You raised your eyebrows and glanced at Klaus who seemed to turn into a puddle on the floor.

“Yeah, yeah, this is Y/N, Amanda.” She eyed you with a smile.

“Lucky you are, Klaus here is good boy,” she drawled, “like my son. Don’t hurt him, yeah?”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” you replied and gave Klaus’ hand a squeeze. He smiled down at you brighter than the stars that hung above your heads.

“Night, Amanda. See ya Wednesday?” Amanda nodded and Klaus waved as he continued to lead you out. Farther down the street, you stopped which made Klaus pause too. “What? What is it? Are you alright?”

You smiled at him, “you talked about me?” Klaus’ mouth opened as if a feast of his words were already prepared; but only a little, breathy laugh passed over his lips.

“I mean, yeah. Talking about you was the only thing that got me through. Especially during those first weeks. Everyone was a downer, all sad and-”

You stepped towards him until your bodies’ heat mingled together and Klaus’ stopped talking. His hand reached up to your face once more and you savored the feeling of his hand against your skin. All of the times he had come into the hospital, on death’s door and high out of his mind, you had wished for Klaus to have moments like this one in a far-off, drug free future. You considered yourself a fool thinking he would be with you, but there he was, sober as he touched your skin like glass.

Not a word was needed in the moment. It was all hands and lips and softness. You leaned up on your toes and brushed your lips against Klaus’ until his hand pulled you in completely. His thumb caressed your cheek as the kiss deepened, his free hand grasped at your waist in an attempt to hold you even closer. You could feel the corners of his mouth upturned slightly as you pulled away. Klaus’ eyes were still closed when you leaned back, his mouth slightly parted in a look of pure euphoria.

“That was well worth the wait,” he quipped a few seconds later, diffusing the tension that had blossomed between you. His eyes fluttered open and it was like seeing a butterflies wings for the first time. 

“It was,” you replied and leaned up to kiss him again.

[ulfwolf]

Relief -- Musing 296

The joy I find in   still sitting feels more like relief   than happiness

In my still sitting (aka meditation), the happiness I sense, taste, and softly sample now and then is not particularly boisterous. It is a quiet bliss tasting more of relief than of anything else.

It is a diaphanous joy that slowly rises and kisses you when you relieve yourself of spiritual burdens, when you glimpse a truth you recognize as truth even if at a far-off distance.

It is the welling up of trust, a warm certainty that the path you are on is in fact the right one for you, and you can take a deep breath and trim your sails and feel the boat ease over slightly to starboard as the wind finds new purchase and the boat surges forward.

There’s nothing like it. I should know. I lived on and sailed a Catalina 36 for a while and still hold sailing second only to meditation.

Meditation manuals often describe the joy of concentration as bliss, as happiness, joy, pleasure, delight—pick your own synonym—sometimes so strong that you’ll hum or shiver with delight. I have found that, for me, the feeling (though it is a happy one, of course) is not quite so drastic. It is sweet relief.

The bliss I experienced during my fortuitous 1968 stumble toward what I thought of as Nirvana then, was like an orgasmic rush of light, surging from feet through legs and body and invading my head like a welcome conqueror. I have not experienced anything like it since, but I have read many accounts of those who have and they all ascribe it to meditation and concentration.

Yes, I have in many ways strived to re-experience that almost (by comparison) violent bliss of 1968, but I am equally pleased to have found a shade of relief that brings as much certainty—possibly more—as that youthful eruption.

The Buddhists talk of two strands of meditation—though the jury is still out on whether the Buddha himself talked about two strands or not:

Samatha and Vipassana.

Samatha is about tranquility and concentration. Vipassana is about insight; the word itself literally means “see in”.

Samatha, with its spacious, peaceful, focused stillness paves the way for Vipassana to illuminate all that needs to be seen, discerned, and let go.

Samatha removes all distractions to let the spirit look, really look, at what now percolates into view from who knows precisely where. And shining the light of clear seeing, the spirit can now see, confront, discern, and once fully discerned, let go, and to now replace the seen with wisdom.

When this, on delightful occasions, happens, is there any wonder that the feeling is glorious relief?

Relief from darkness.

Relief from ignorance.

Relief from, yes, prison.

::

P.S. If you like what you’ve read here and would like to contribute to the creative motion, as it were, you can do so via PayPal: here.

[walkingdeadfan25]

Good Ending

"What do you mean she's in the helicopter with the suspect?!", Greg exclaimed. Fear and worry filled his being as he realized the danger his three months pregnant girlfriend was in. "Damn it! I should have went instead of her. We have to...", Greg rambled on running his hands through his dark blonde hair.

Russell tried to calm him down while he called Nick. "They haven't gotten here yet and it's been an hour."

"Nick we have a problem, Calla is on the helicopter and Frank might have woken."

********************************************

Calla was trying to keep Frank calm while keeping her stress levels low. Frank forced her to drug the EMT and all she could think of was getting out of the situation in order to save her and Greg's developing child. "Who is Samatha? She your daughter or someone special?"

******************************************

"Who was it this time?" ,Ecklie asked. "Smithson. She hitched a ride on the copter and it hasn't landed for over an hour. She's pregnant and we need to find that copter."

As Ecklie made some calls, Russell and Greg got to work on locating the helicopter and figuring out what Frank's endgame was. Hodges got a picture of the copter put out for people to let them know if they see it. "I may not like Greg all that much but I don't want his child or Calla to get hurt. No one deserves that loss plus she's a really good CSI."

*****************************************

Calla had a hand absent-mindely placed on her stomach. "She's dead, my daughter Samatha. You asked."

"What happened?"

"I was a bad person and she got mixed up in it. I wanted tp save her but I got her killed.

"That doesn't mke it you fault, but I get the want to protect your child. Though I don't have mine just yet."

He looked down frantically to see her hand resting on her stomach.

"You can get better and change it is never too late.", Calla said giving him a hopeful smile as she brushed a stray strand of curly browb hair out of her green eyes.

Suddenly the drugged EMT rushed Frank and tried to wrestle the gun out of his hands. A shot rang out and the EMT was hit. "LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!", shouted Frank as he angrily pointed the gun at Calla. Calla began to feel a sinkng feeling in her stomach. 'Greg I love you.' She thought. "Frank you can still be good, let me stop the blood flow so he doesn't die. Please.", Calla stated frantically.

Frank allowed her to help the man but kept the gun trained on her, "You try anything and I will kill your unborn child."

*****************************************

"Samatha, we need your help. One of our team members who is pregnant with other innocent people are on that helicopter, we need you."

"I know. I heard that's I'm here to save them.", Samantha replied.

Ecklie amd the team worked on sending out a message telling Frank his daughter wanted to talk to him.

"Russell what if she gets hurt? This will all be my fault. She shouldn't even be on that copter. We had an argument before and she was upset with me-"

"This is Frank Caphrity.", Greg was cut off.

A small sliver of hope bubbled up in Greg but was soon squashed as Samatha told Frank to meet her at a wishing well. "We have to find them damn it!", Greg smacked his hands on the table in anger. Suddenly the pieces fit together i his mind and he saw red. Now Greg was normally a level headed guy but when the lives of those he loved or his child were on the line caution and rationale be damned. He left and headed to the interrogation room to yell at Samatha.

"You set him up! You're going to get my girlfriend and child killed! Where the hell did you send them?!"

Ecklie pulled him out of there before he could physically attack the girl. "You need to calm down. You're off this case. Go home we will get her back to you safe, both of them.", Russell told him. Greg stormed off.

****************************************

As they reached the spot Frank wanted to go, Calla noticed cars coming down the dirt road. "I told you no cops!" , Frank yelled. For the third time in two hours, fear filled Calla as she spotted a firearm in the hands of the guy hanging from the sun roof of the first car.

"Those are not cops. Get us out of here!" , she instructed the co-pilot. As he tried to lift the aircraft up shots ran out at the helicopter. Calla turned her body to the other side trying to protect her stomach as bullets whizzed by. The helicopter's tail caught on fire and it began to spin out of control. As it spiralled downwards, Calla felt a pain burst forth near her stomach. She pressed her hand to the area and came away with red stained fingers. As she lost consciousness she hoped and prayed Greg could save the baby before it was too late.

Calla regained consciousness as she struggled out of the wreckage. Her LAPD CSI jacket fell off as she put pressure on her wound. Her vision was blurry but she noticed cars quickly approaching. She saw Frank and pulled him with her to hide. They ran into an abandoned building and hid in the back. Frank was badly injured and Calla was in pain but knew she had to survive and make sure her child did too. They heard the cars approach and footsteps head to the building they were hiding in and she questioned Frank about how the bad guys had found them. "It was Samatha. That's why I was trying to get away."

They heard sirens and suddenly gun shots rang out. Calla moved back up to the front and knew they had to get out. "We have to go. I have to save my child please.",she begged.

"I can't go but you can." He handed her the gun and she tried to change his mind. " I am too late but you can still live, you and your child both."

As she turned a corner, she spotted one of the guys and shot him. Brass found her and she lead him to Frank. They walked out of the building and she saw all the bodies strewn about. Sirens rang out as the group pulled up. Greg jumped out and ran to Calla pulling her into a tight hug. If she hadn't flinched just that bit he never would have though she was hurt.

"Calla, oh God you're hurt. We have to get you tp the hospital.",he said as he oulled away and say the blood slowly staining her shirt and dripping down her pants. As he yelled for an ambulance, the shock set in and she lost consciousness. As she began to fall Greg caught her i his arms bridal style and EMTs rushed over. As Greg sat her on the gurney, the EMTs cut away her shirt and pressed an oxygen mask on her face. " Sir I need you to move she is in critical condition." "I'm her boyfriend and she's pregnant. You have to save her and our baby."

As soon as they heard the word pregnant and saw her bump they shared a look and moved faster. Before Greg could get on the ambulance it was off. And before any of the group could stop him, Greg jumped into one of the CSI's vehicles and sped off after the ambulance. "I'll go after him. You might have to catch a ride with the police." , Nick said as he went to follow after Greg.

Greg was going way over the speed limit but he didn't care, all he could see was the blood that covered Calla around her stomach and couldn't help but think they'd lost the baby and that Calla was next. Tears blurred his vision as he pulled into a parking spot at the hospital.

He ran up as the emergency team rushed out to the ambulance. As they pulled the gurney out, one of the EMTs was sat over her waist performing CPR yelling out medical jargon. All Greg knew was his love was not breathing. He went to follow but a nurse pulled him back. "Sir you can't go with them. They will do everything they can to save your wife and child but you have to stay out here."

He struggled in her grasp and before he broke away Nick arrived and wrapped his arms around Greg keeping him from moving. "Greg! Sanders! Man you have to calm down. She will be okay man.", the Texan's voice filtered through Greg's ears and Greg sagged in his arms as he broke down.

Nick pulled them into the waiting area.

********************************************

Bright light filled her vision and a loud beeping filled her ears as Calla began to wake. "G-greg?", Calla croaked out. Her throat was dry and cracked and her body craved water. As she began to waken further, the pain filtered through. She went to sit up but the pain became to much as she cried out. "Oh no hun, you need to stay still. You've been through hell and back." Calla felt gentle hands press her back down into bed and a straw pressed to her lips. She sighed as the cool water slid down her parched throat. "W-where is Greg?"

The nurse shot her a smile, "You are one lucky lady Mrs. Sanders. Your beau has been by your side the whole time. He is down stairs at the cafeteria getting some food. I had to get the sexy Texan to drag him from your side." Before Calla could correct the nurse, she realized the nurse had said 'the whole time'. "How long have I been out?" Nurse Mina, as Calla read on her name tag, shot her a small smile. "You've been out for two days. You're lucky, two inches to the left and you'd be dead."

"W-What about my child?", Calla asked shakily scared for the answer. Before Mina could answer, Greg and Nick walked in. As soon as Greg entered and saw Calla awake tears filled his eyes. Nick and Mina left to give the two lovers privacy. "Oh God Calla. I -I almost lost you. I'm so sorry. It should have been me not you in that helicopter." Greg said as he clasped her right hand and pressed it to his lips. Calla's heart broke as she met Greg's watery brown gaze. The lovely soulful doe eyes she had fallen in love with were filled with anger, pain and relief. "No Gregory. It's no one's fault. Greg I'm okay. I'm alive. I-Is our baby-"

"Ah hello Mrs. Sanders. I'm glad to see you awake and well.", a man of average height with dark brown hair and hazel eyes announced as he swept into the room pulling a machine in behind him. "I am terribly sorry to interupt but I have news." Fear began to fill the two as the words left the doctor's mouth. "Your gunshot wound has healed nicely however, we are unsure about the safety of your unborn child. But I'm here to check and see if all is well." As the doctor approached, Mina came in to assist. She pressed a button on the bed and Calla began to rise until she was in a comfortable upright position.

Fear and excitement filled her body. 'Please let our baby be okay.' " As the doctor set up the machinery he began to explain her condition, "As you know Mrs. Sanders you took a shot to the stomach Luckily it missed the middle and was closer to your side. However, the trauma may have effected your child and that brings us to here."

Mina helped Calla lift her hospital gown to expose her stomach and covered her lower half with the bed's blanket. "Are you two ready? I don't want to get your hopes up but remember no matter what, this whole situation was neither of your faults." The doctor spread the gel over her stomach that showed a slight baby bump and Greg comfortingly wrapped his arms around Calla's shoulders hugging her to his side. The doctor put the fetal doppler's wand to her stomach and began to move it around.

It was unnaturally silent as everyone held their breath. The couple looked at the black and white screen. Suddenly the most beautiful sound came through the machine as a spot that appeared to be a developing fetus appeared and two heartbeats were heard. Tears came to Calla and Greg's eyes. "That's our baby Calla. Our little baby. Oh God. C-Can we get a print out of these? I can't wait to show everyone!" The doctor was able to hone in on the baby's heartbeat singularly. Greg kissed Calla as he placed his hand on her stomach feeling relief fill him at the knowledge of his love and baby being safe.

Once the doctor had the ultrasound printed off and made sure Calla was okay and in no pain he and Mina left them alone. "So, Mrs. Sanders huh?", Calla teased Greg. His cheeks turned red. "Well I was hoping to make this romantic but now is better than never.", Greg got down on one knee, "Calla Smithson, I have never been the marrying type but the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew I could never find any other person that fills my heart with such love and joy. So I kneel here, a man who wants nothing more than for you to bear my last name and allow me to love you till days end and to be loved by you in return. So what do you say wanna get married?"

He pulled out a black velvet box that held a simple diamond ring. "I know it's not much but it was my mom's and she gave it to me to gove to the woman I love and-"

"Yes. Yes Greg I will marry you, you big nerd.", Calla said as her mouth cracked jnto the biggest grin and she stopped Greg in his rambling. Heart bursting in happiness he slid the ring onto her finger and pulled her into a sweet kiss. Clapping rang out and the two turned to see the team there but upon being found eavesdropping quickly turned around. The happy and newly engaged couple chuckled and leaned in for one more kiss. Once they moved apart Greg placed a kiss on Calla's baby bump.

[ask-sb]

I'm stuck. My mom has been fucked up for weeks now and I don't know what to do. I'm tired of being tormented.

I keep trying to hurt myself but I'm too shit to even do that right. I've been watching old youtube videos I made with friends and just generally thinking about my old self. I don't know what to think other than that I was always fucked in the head.

I feel lost.

[ask-sb]

Im tired of this, im so tired i want it all to STOP i want it to be OVER

[ask-sb]

hi dont really have alot to vent about. I'm lonely,my family sucks and school starts again in less then a month. I'm starting to become a bit self centered and needy but that's mostly cause I'm lonely and want to interact with people.

I've been starting to get violent and angry alot again. my dad mentioned something about violence running in the family. I'm not sure that's how that works but whatever!

violet hasnt been talking to me much lately, I'm getting really lonely again haha.

the other day we went to the fair. I made the stupid decision to wander off without telling asking my family for permission cause I finally FINALLY felt happy,I was outside with the world again. seeing people again. I found some friends but started to panic about wandering off and then other shit happened WHATEVER.

I want to go home. I miss kitty. our new cat is mean,I know hes just a kitten but I'm covered in scratches. mom found an actual kitchen knife, it cuts good. it's easy to hide knife cuts between cat scratches.

the blender fic is a curse i think. i dont feel like elaborating more. but it did cause the blender incident where Violet watched me as I made a bunch of random old food and water resemble someone who got blended. it smelt HORRID. i had to clean parts of it by sticking my hand into it. it was like,pure soapy bubbles so I couldn't see where the blades are. also I was wearing benrey cosplay.

sometimes I don't know who I am. I get bored of myself. sometimes I worry I'll die before I grow up. off myself cause I cant decide what I want to do. I'm scared. the days are going by so fast now. I'm not a good person and nobody knows how terrible I am. I'm tricking them. they dont know I've thought about horrible things, wasted my time drawing terrible things and planning shit out. sometimes I look in the mirror and dont recognize myself. I have mental fights all the time.

whatever

[ask-sb]

I dont want to worry any of my friends, but I need to tell someone. so I'm putting this here.

it's been a long time since I cut myself, which is good. I'm glad I'm starting to get over this. but I hurt myself again tonight. it's bad, the biggest wound I've given myself. it surprised me and freaked me out. I spent like 7 minutes holding paper towel to it while struggling to get bandaids (I had more than one). I hope it doesnt bled through.

I stayed up too late, whenever I do I work myself into a werid headspace. obsessing over the awful things I think about. i think about hurting others (even if its fictional characters it's still bad and detailed). I feel crazy. usually I just tire myself out and draw werid stuff but today I grabbed the good knife.

I would tell Violet but I was just hanging out with her today and I dont want her to think its cause of her. it's not. I just worked myself back into my insanity and took it out on myself.

I'm sorry.

[ask-sb]

school has been happeing for around 4 weeks now. things havent gotten better for me, not really. I still feel perpetually lonely. Lake is around more than Vi for me anymore it seems. guess it doesn't help we have no classes together, but she never really comes to see me in between hours or on the bus or anything. most of our communication has been messaging still. but shes barely online.

as per usual my rage is fueled even more by school. I dont think I'll end up killing anyone anymore but god do I want to. moms been okay I think.

the last few weeks I've been sick and it suddenly got worse but randomly I feel alot better as of writing this. was hoping to skip school tomorrow.

my memory is blurry so I dont really have anything to say. just thought I should check in more often, y'know?

I dont feel right in my body, nothing I do to fix it helps, in my head my voice sounds different but nobody seems to pick up on anything. I'm so, so angry but theres nothing I can do. I don't even have the motivation to hurt myself anymore. maybe that's a good thing. when I remember myself from even a few years ago it doesnt seem like me.

that's all I guess. if I think of something to say I'll update later.

[ask-sb]

it's been awhile since a full check in I think. theres alot to update on but I dont really remember most of it. its summer now. july to be specific.

I'm lonely again. oh, so terribly lonely. but when I do talk to people it just causes me anger. isnt that ironic? my computer broke for awhile. costed like 300 dollars to get it fixed. chrome still wont work so I moved to firefox.

I made a twitter account for my fucking lps YouTube channel. but that place is like, incredibly toxic and the group of people I was mutals with turned on me for joking about bad fanfictions cause I hate them and their creators. nevermind that at least some of the people that turned on me are downright hypocrites. they're all kids. I feel bad for them. growing up like that. they might end up worse than me.

Violet isnt very active, she hasnt been talking to me much but she told me its because of summer school and driver's training. wouldnt it be fun if she hit me with her car so I could end up like simon?

speaking of which, I re-read and old fic me and her used to like. it was... bad. it was very uncomfortable looking at it now. but it made me realize how I think me n Vi just like... ended up absorbing simon and david into our personalities and relationship, specifically the ones from these fics, and that's why we fought alot. I know c/ o/f is why I started cutting I think. to some degree I was obsessed with trying to be simon. it's how I even learned to start cutting. ironically writing these journal entry things makes me ever so slightly more like simon. will I have to fight my shadow self in the future?

jonesy is getting more.. bothersome. it's like he desperately wants to be friends with me again. but I can tell hes copying me from back then. I can see it in how he dresses and in his mannerisms. I'm scared to tell him to back off, I dont know what he'll do. I don't want him to have power over me.

not sure when this happened at this point. my life is a blur, but my mom tried to kill herself awhile ago. she went into the mental wing of the hospital for a week. I was alone and scared. I'm not sure shes any better now.

I'm scared of what traumatic event awaits me next. I'll try not to die, but the lonelier I get the more I want to off myself. I'm scared of myself and I hate my own reflection and I hate my body and I hate my mind and I hate the world around me and I hate the ones I love though I feel guilty for it. I hate my friends but I love them. I cant forgive anyone for anything cause I dont know how it builds up in me until all I have left is anger and hate but no memory of why I feel that way but I cant make it go away. I love you violet but I dont know what love is and all I know is my blood pooling out of wounds and the pain and the hate and anger it's all I feel and I feel sick just thinking about anything.

I don't want to live but I don't want to die.

[ask-sb]

my life is nothing anymore and I feel like hell, chirstmas break was a mistake. my mother is a monster half the time and I cant deal with it anymore. I'm so, so tired. of it all. i feel like I'm in hell. my face burns and I feel like I could cry forever. I try to avoid wanting to kill anymore, but uts hard to get better when your life gets worse.

it's hard to feel love when all you know is fear and hate, being told you're loved and having to say you love them more, it's a lie you're forced to say or you're met with claws and being sent to hell again. but even when you say I love you back you're met with teeth and the yelling and guilting and on the inside you feel claws tighten until you cant pretend anymore and you shut down and have to hold back from screaming i hate you and wreaking her with your own claws until shes nothing but flesh and blood dead and cold and you sob and sob and pray that its over but it never will be cause you cant do that, you dont have the guts, all you feel is fear and hatred and you want to go home but theres no home left. the home you know is a lie crafted by being a child.

you're tired of hearing your name and you're tired of being alone and you're tired of being a character and pretending to be happy, and you're tired of feeling despair but the world is ending and theres nothing to live for but little things but those little things are all you have and theres not enough to make it worthwhile and what's even the point of the little things if you cant enjoy them without knowing that after this it's back to hell over and over until your body is covered with scars and cuts from the one who owns you and the small hope you push through to make it to being an adult is nothing but a false hope.

[ask-sb]

ah I havent posted in a few months. I'm back in school finally. it's like a weight was lifted and I'm not as depressed anymore, no longer stuck in my bubble where all I hear is bad news.

I see Vi and Em all the time. havent talked to lake basically at all. jonesy is also there I guess, havent talked to him much either.

just re-read shooter, my teacher mentioned it and class so I dropped everything to read it again. turns out that is not a good idea cause I forgot how much the end part of that book fucks with me. the whole thing does basically. then again when I last read it I was, well yknow.

came home today to my mom home early from work (would it be funny to just call her HER and SHE like in the end of shooter where len only calls his parents by their pronouns?) in her werid mood again. it's been awful but not as bad as 2018 of course. I'm paranoid all the time cause of her, and so I'm terrified as of now.

did I mention our trip to Tennessee? me and mom went down eariler this year, not too long after kitty died. I dont think I talked about that either but whatever, thinking about it makes me cry. ANYWAY when we were there I forced myself into this walkthrough haunted house then and seriously traumatized myself with it. I have alot of phobias which all have to do with what was in there. why I mention it is that the place had this stair case that looped around sorta? I cant describe it, it was like the one in half life with the turrets but skinnier. anyways so at school today Em brought me and Vi up to sit upstairs for lunch and the goddamn stairs were just like the ones at the haunted house and I damn near had a panic attack it was bad. I hid it though.

so that's all for now I guess? I'm better than I used to be. not great but better. I still want to maul people though

[ask-sb]

a year ago today i watched h/lv/ra/i. a year ago today i started changing as a person for the better. im not perfect right now of course but im no longer as shit of a person. i know that theres still parts of me that are wrong and im trying to fix it. i dont WANT to be the "insane" kid whos gonna shoot up the school. nowadays the thought of death makes me sick. ive lost too many people important to me recently too. too much grief. i could never put this upon someone else. i could never actually kill someone. i feel guilty for fucking throwing away pants that dont fit me anymore. well anyway, back to the original subject: h/lv/ra/i and its fandom made me realize more of whats wrong and whats right i guess, i felt more like i had to be better to keep my new friends online. not to mention how ive figured myself out more too. too bad my mom doesnt "understand" nonbinary people. also i watched willys wonderland the other day it was good, soundtrack was way better than g/vk lewl