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siriuslysatorusimping · 2 years ago

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Hi hello, so nice to talk to you, Kiko!

This is going to definitely sound weird, but do you have any advice for an ongoing Ao3 writer? Pretty sure I'm not the only one here writing Gojo/OC stories or fluffy one-shots since they're so addicting lol.

But it's strange to be so obsessed with writing with so many ideas and time and energy to write, and then it feels like you're in a bit of a slump when that rush of creativity sort of slows.

You mentioned before that you had most of the story for AL mapped out and written, did it help you to plan ahead more before posting? Or was it more of a, "I didn't worry about it too much because it was fun to write and we're all Gojo simpls" kind of a deal?

Anyhow, would love to know if you'd be alright talking about it. Have a good day~

Hiiiii! It's nice to talk to you, too! 😊

Gojo fluff is addictive and I honestly have been rereading Physical Paradox installments today because I need fluff and motivation 😂

Hmmmm, advice for AO3 writers? Honestly, I feel like I'm a bit under qualified for that because I'd been an anon reader for over ten years until July when I finally created an account so I could post Another Level 😂😂

BUT, I do have a few thoughts. I'll try to keep these as simple as my over-explaining ass can 🫠 (Kiko did not keep it simple. I ranted and this post is hella long, I am so sorry.)

If you haven't already, you can read Another Level on AO3 💕

On writing in general: Write for you.

1) I know I've said this before, but it's true. Write as if no one else will ever see what you're writing to begin with. That's how I started with Another Level. I never intended for anyone else to see it when I first started. On the flip side of this though, don't be afraid of bouncing ideas off others.

It's likely vain of me, but I genuinely enjoy reading my own writing. I try very hard to make sure that what I'm posting is something I enjoy reading. But it makes it so much easier to write if you enjoy reading it, because you're just as excited to read it and see what happens as someone who isn't in your head.

2) I think that something really important for when that creativity slows in one area, don't force yourself to keep going if you don't have to. Hobbies are supposed to be fun, not an obligation or a stressor.

Once the joy fades from a hobby, it's no longer a hobby.

Think of it this way: since May of this year, I've written around 300k words for different fanfics. If we look at that from the perspective of a single-spaced, 12pt font perspective, that is 300 pages. I've written the equivalent of a gosh dang Dissertation. But here's the difference between Another Level and a Dissertation: writing and researching for Another Level was fun. It was something I wanted to do.

(We'll ignore the fact that I didn't have to teach classes and grade papers simultaneously as well. I do and don't miss grad school And honestly, I miss teaching. But academia can kiss my ass.)

3) Write what you want to write, not what others expect you to write. This isn't your job. You aren't being paid for a word count or hours put in, you're doing this for you and for fun. When you let other's expectations drive you instead of your own desire, that happiness is fleeting and it's easy to burnout fast.

4) Follow your inspiration fairies, even if only briefly. You don't have to write out an entire universe, and you don't have to keep what you write. But sometimes you have to get rid of the brainworms to make room for other ideas. I've realized that a few of my Goinko 'au' ideas are literally better just as little headcannons or blurbs and nothing more. And that's okay, because now I got them out of my system.

5) If you want to write and finish a series, only post for that series. I'm learning this the hard way right now with Gokduō and Physical Paradox. It is really hard to focus on one or the other because I feel an odd pressure to get the next parts done for both, which is completely the opposite of what it should be.

The pressure drains my creativity, and I've found myself struggling because I'm too worried about what people will think of it instead of what I want it to be. In all honesty, I had a moment today where I almost decided I don't want to finish Gokudō because I'm not sure where to take it, but I realized I just need some time away from trying to force myself.

6) If you're unhappy with it, don't be afraid to scrap it. Use it as a starting point if you want, but don't get too attached to it if you don't like where it's going. Take a step back and ask if/how it's getting you where you want to go with that work, and if it doesn't help you get there, then it can go.

What was my approach with Another Level? (includes JJK Manga spoilers)

I'll elaborate a bit more on how I had things mapped out before I started posting first. Essentially, when the Gojo/Sukuna fight started in the manga, I just knew Gojo was going to die. In my mind, there was no way Akutami would let him live, and I was in a really bad place mentally and wasn't sure how I'd be able to handle it. And then I was like "wait, that's literally why we have fanfic, I can keep him alive as long as I want."

So, I started Another Level with the intention to keep it to myself and use it as my own comfort fic to prepare myself for Gojo's death. Some behind the scenes info: a version of the dream Rinko had in Split Bluff was the very first thing I wrote for Another Level. Except it originally wasn't a dream, it was going to be their reunion. However, they weren't as close, they were solidly friends with benefits who barely knew each other. Then, I wrote a part where Rinko first meets Yuuji at the Goodwill Event and she was Maki's legal guardian and still a teacher at Kyoto Tech, then I went further back and wrote her asking Gojo to get Maki enrolled at Tokyo Tech, and then I went further back and wrote Make a God Bleed.

As you already know because you've read Another Level, none of those stayed the same because then, as I kept writing, Rinko took on a life of her own. She became so much more than just a random OC that I threw together without thinking. And I have to say that I'm so glad she did because I'm not sure I would have been able to deal with 236 without Rinko. Some people have said Rinko helped them, but she's helped me so much as well. I mean it when I say she's cemented herself as my favorite original character that I've ever written because she has so much depth and heart that I accidentally poured into her. Not to mention that she's helped me meet some really amazing people along the way.

I'm in a bit of a rut now because I was on a marathon of writing for about five or six months. I started writing Another Level in May, and while I wrote the first draft for All That I Am Is Yours probably in June or July, I pretty much completely rewrote it once we actually got there. Between May and now, I've written upwards of 300k words of JJK fanfic, not including the installments or drafts I scrapped completely 🙃

Posting schedule with Another Level:

As someone who is severely ADHD, my hyperfocus was strong with Another Level. I was obsessed. And I was even more obsessed when I realized people were enjoying reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

In all honesty, part of what kept me on a strict uploading schedule with Another Level was a desire for the validation and praise in the comments. While I had a lot written, I uploaded so quickly because I wanted to get that lil rush from seeing the comments.

Kiko is about to do a lil bit of oversharing for ya: I'd just left a job where I'd spent the last six months there with my formerly wonderful boss decided to blame me for every little thing that went wrong, and then she couldn't understand why my performance actually started to drop. I hadn't heard a damn word of positive feedback for anything I did in so long that the comments on Another Level helped pull me out of a very depressive state.

But, it quickly became unhealthy because I started to rely on them to the point where it was all I cared about. All I cared about was seeing comments on the newest Another Level installment, and when there wasn't feedback, I got all in my head about what I'd done wrong and wanted to post the next installment as quickly as possible because maybe that one would do better.

Now, this is not me saying that wanting comments is a bad thing. Feedback is very important, and it's hard to know if people are enjoying something when there's not anything to go on. But it does become a problem if it's the only reason you're writing. I've been very fortunate in that I haven't gotten comments or messages demanding updates because I've seen that others do receive those sometimes. I like to think it's because you guys are just awesome and wonderful people.

I've gotten a bit better about being obsessed with comments because I have this nice lil corner of wonderful people and I feel like I've made a few genuine friends here. (Hi Rai, if you're reading this, I hope you're doing well.)

I know that what I just described for my Another Level posting schedule contradicts what I said in the beginning, but I will say that while my posting schedule was heavily driven by that need for praise, my writing schedule was not. I was writing so much because I was enjoying myself. I was having more fun writing than I had in years. I still am, but I do have to keep reminding myself some of the points I made above otherwise I find myself falling into a rut.

THIS WAS PROBABLY WAY MORE THAN YOU BARGAINED FOR AND I AM SO SORRY 🫠

BUT I HOPE IT MADE SENSE AND THAT IT WASN'T JUST COMPLETELY FUCKING USELESS 😭😭🙃

#kiko rants #kiko's writing advice #kiko saying dumb shit #ask kiko #another level asks #goinko #gojo satoru x original female character #kurisaki rinko #rinko kurisaki fanclub #sweet asks

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umichenginabroad · 1 year ago

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Madrid Week 6: The Honeymoon Phase

Hola a todxs ‼️‼️ Niko here again, and welcome back to week 6’s blog of my study abroad experience in Madrid. This post is a little more text/personal reflection heavy. We'll get to some more fun stuff next week :).

This past week was filled mainly with schoolwork and cooking — not too much exploration of the city — and I stuck mainly to my established routes between home and university. However, looking forward, I think that this routine will be significant in my international experience, too.

For the first few weeks living here, I got out as much as possible and tried my best to take advantage of everything Madrid had to offer. Trying all the cute cafes, seeing all the tourist attractions, exploring new neighborhoods, going out to all the clubs. But now that I’ve been here for a month and a half, it feels a bit like I’m actually ‘living’ here, and less like some kind of extended vacation.

I actually have schoolwork to do now — projects, papers, presentations — and that leaves me much less time to simply exist. I think I can take that as both a blessing and a curse. For one, it’s a curse, because in reality, I would love to just skip around Madrid all week without any responsibilities, who wouldn’t?

But now, I think I’m living more like how a student would who’s here year round. Let’s be honest — are Michigan students constantly going around Ann Arbor, discovering all the little nooks and crannies, experiencing all the most hyped up spots and exploring all the paths less traveled? Not really. Maybe I’ll hit the Kerrytown farmers market or the Blind Pig on a weekend, but honestly that’s few and far in between. Majority of my weekends at Michigan are spent around campus and at home.

I don’t want to say we’ve “become complacent” with Ann Arbor, because that inherently has a negative connotation. But we’ve certainly gotten used to living in this city, and simultaneously have tons of other things on our plate that we’ve got to attend to. Things aren’t as shiny and exciting as they were the first month of freshman year, and we simply have less time. It feels like something similar is happening here in Spain, for both reasons (although maybe to a lesser extent — I still have more free time than I do in Michigan, and Madrid is still, well, Madrid, Spain. Not quite like Ann Arbor, Michigan, USA).

Now, my perspective of Madrid has shifted slightly, and with it my experience. Maybe one could say my “honeymoon phase” is over, but to be honest, I haven’t really started to find a lot of things I really dislike about the city. Things are just a little more like real life, which I think I'll end up being happy for.

As some of you may know, I studied abroad over the summer after my freshman year in Buenos Aires. That program lasted 6 weeks, and I stayed an extra with my parents after the program ended. School wasn’t as demanding, and I had ample free time all week. Those six weeks were incredible. It was my first time living outside of the United States for an extended period of time, my first time ever living in a big city, my first time immersed in another language and culture completely different from my own.

Upon reflection, I think my ‘honeymoon phase’ lasted all 7 weeks of my experience in Buenos Aires. And now, I’m reaching week 7 here in Madrid. I’ll be here for a total of 15.

My experiences in Buenos Aires and Madrid have been similar in a lot of ways. The architecture of the cities, the language, the general warmth of the people and culture. Simultaneously, they’ve been different in more ways than I can count, and I think a big one I'm slowly transitioning into will be due to the amount of time that I have here.

Now, I’m left with an awareness of the challenge that comes with living in a foreign city, in a culture completely different from my own. In a class that I’m currently taking, 'Social groups and their cultural imaginaries', we had a lesson on Italo Calvino’s Invisible Cities. One of the main themes of the book: Our interpretation of a city or landscape is based on how we are feeling, or what we want at that particular moment.

How will my experience of this city change with my perception and feelings towards it? What will I desire then, and what do I desire now? How will I interact with Madrid in week 15? How will that be different from week 1?

How will I continue to adapt to Spanish culture? What pieces of US culture will I still be holding on to, and what pieces of my identity will change?

Will I continue to find excitement and novelty in this place in week 15, or will I have to make an active effort to do so? Will living in Madrid at week 15 feel like living in Ann Arbor, or Arlington VA? Or are the places and cultures so different that the experience will never be comparable?

Will this lifestyle be something that I want to continue, or will I find that I’m most comfortable in the culture and community I grew up with?

I’ve asked a lot of questions here, most of which I have no semblance of an answer to. Some of them are small, some of them are pretty big. I’ll plan on coming back to this blog, maybe in week 15, maybe in a post-reflection — and I’ll try to answer as many of them as I can. Just writing them here increases my awareness, which enables more active reflection and growth in my day-to-day life.

One action item I’ve realized after writing this blog: I need to start taking a more active effort during the week to continue appreciating Madrid for all it has to offer me. At first, it came really naturally, but now, it’s harder. Moreover, as I’ll be traveling around Europe for the next few weekends, I’ll have less chances to experience Madrid without the pressure of everyday life squeezing around me.

Taking an active effort means giving myself more opportunities to be mindful, present, and appreciative of the environment I’m in. That includes waking up earlier and trying to establish more of a schedule with schoolwork, which will give me time to do things like going out on walks to take photos in the morning, or finding a new bar to enjoy a drink at during the evenings. Also, I hope to start meditating again — which has been something that has served as a point of stability for me throughout college.

Transition periods are never easy, and I've found myself in one yet again. The best advice I can give myself for now is to remain appreciative and accepting of all of the everything lives throws me, knowing that each one is an opportunity for growth — and I'll come out the other side more experienced, wise, and grateful that it happened.

In other news, this week I saw Dune 2 (highly recommend, ESPECIALLY in IMAX), kept cooking, and did a good amount of studying. Also, this past weekend I went to Italy (for the first time ever) and spent the weekend with an old friend. I’m headed to Sevilla this weekend, and I’ll detailing both a little more in next week's blog. Wishing everyone a happy hump day and a strong finish to the week.

Hasta pronto,

Niko Economos

Aerospace Engineering

Universidad Carlos III de Madrid

Madrid, Spain

#UmichEnginAbroad #IPEUC3M #NikoEconomos #IPEWinter24 #Spain

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wykedstories · 10 months ago

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Chapter 3: The Gossip Sesh

It's Tuesday evening and I'm finally home from school getting ready to take a deep breath before having to deal with my family for the night. Man oh man i'm over the day and i'm so ready to isolate myself in my room and go over the scenario with vince today 20x. Meanwhile I open the door to smell my favorite thing in the world and that's bacon. I'm pretty sure mom is making BLT’s or breakfast for dinner tonight. I marched my way into the kitchen to find out what kind of yummy stuff she's cooking up, and boy was I right, it was BLT’s! “Hey leah how was school today hun? I haven't heard much from you this week?”.

“I’m okay i guess, today really wasn't the best day at school but i'll get through it like any other day you know”.

“I get it honey, just have some dinner and go decompress”.

“Thanks mom, it's awesome to come home to one of my favorite dinners. That really makes the night so much better”.

I took two sandwiches and went upstairs to my room and determined how I'm going to “decompress”, as mom said downstairs. I suppose I could call Darcy and vent about Vince Myers being a top tier on edge asshole, or I could grab my paintbrush and start a new project I would likely never finish. After about 15 minutes of going back and forth in silence. I decided that I was going to have the best of both worlds!

I'm going to call Darcy and vent while simultaneously starting a painting that I'll never finish if I don't sit down for the next five hours and go full OCD to finish it. I quickly dial up Darcy's number on my phone like I have it memorized or something! The phone rings about 3 times before I hear the excitement in her voice “Leah, hey girl hey anything fun happen today”? I responded quickly to her since in fact something “fun” did happen today. “Girl Vince Myers is an asshole” I said to her in a sneer tone of voice.

“ Girl, no way? What happened? You were just obsessed and now you're totally turned off by him. What the hell happened Leah”?

“Well” I sighed “ you know I daydream a lot and this almost seemed like it just manifested itself right into reality because , I was just daydreaming about how I could talk to him for the first time like your smartass dropping your books comment this morning”.

“So basically what happened was I left my 2nd period science class and headed to math. Well little did i know, the stairs had a vendetta out for me and boy oh boy i tripped and fell face first into Vinces locker! I mean Darcy I really ate that shit”! “Then to make the situation worse what he said to me was so utterly rude, i was like okay asshole someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed”.

“Girl what did he say”? Darcy quickly snapped back. I could tell she was excited to have something to gossip about considering there's been nothing exciting happening at all in months. Darcy is gonna be mad but i've been staring at these BLTS and man they look good especially because mom fries my bacon extra extra crispy, she knows I love it that way!

“ Okay okay Darcy I'll tell you but I'm going to take a few bites of my sandwich before I get into the thick of it with you”!

“ GIRL WHAT, you are gonna do me that way UGH, I guess you are allowed to eat but how dare you get me all worked up and then BOOM suspense has been input into the conversation”.

“ I'm sorry” I mumbled through my mouth as I tried to hurry up and eat so I could continue to give this girl her gossip. I swear she should be a journalist or something like that because she is always trying to chase a story, drama or anything that really catches her attention. I respect her though, and she is my best friend. I manage to finish my first sandwich while I listen to Darcy ramble on about how she wishes she was better at makeup, hair, style, and all this other stuff most normal girls care about. Not me though, I do my makeup and hair occasionally, big emphasis on occasionally, because until Vince came around I never really gave two flying shits. As for style now that's something I really dont give two shits about. I'm a comfort gal all the way. “Leah uh um are you done now i want to know the tea girlfriend”.

“ yes yes im done darcy, so he was just really rude and said something like can't you watch where you're going now people are gonna think im beating up girls with locker doors and i don't need that shit.”.

“Girl that definitely was snippy but don't you think it's possible he's not an ass and he is just having a tough day”?

“I guess so,” I replied. “Maybe I am just thinking too much into it”. “So darcy, do you think maybe i should just let it slide this time and not paint him to be a total dickface’? Darcy replied extremely quickly

“yes i think you should tone it down tiger”.

I'm still on the phone with Darcy but we are both kind of doing our own thing you know, like what bestfriends do. They just sit on the phone in silence doing two separate things. She's looking up fresh makeup looks and I'm over here painting a sunflower. Each stroke is decimating a little bit of anxiety with each new detail that's brought to life. “Darcy it's getting late girl i think i'm gonna lay down and call it a night. Wanna meet early tomorrow at school to catch breakfast together”?

“Okay Leah, I love you babes. Breakfest sounds amazing but how about we ditch the school and go to starbucks? Pick me up at say 6:30 am”?

“That's a perfect plan, let's do it. I'll see you tomorrow morning. I love you darcy".

I sat back against my head board and took a deep breath just to realize I am anxious again. I guess it really is time for bed now. I grab my paintbrushes and my cup of murky brown gray water and head to the bathroom to rinse my brushes out and prep them to be put up. I get to the bathroom and clean all the excess paint out of the brushes and decide I'll brush my teeth and wash my face while I'm already here since self care is important according to my psychologist. As I'm walking back to my room I noticed the sound of rain hitting our tin roof, and let me tell you, that's such a comforting sound. I'm a lover of thunderstorms. They tend to relax me. It's a sign in the right direction that I'll get a good night's rest.

#literature #books #bookblr #reading #murder mystery #books and reading #thriller #suspense #love #drama

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bindedwithlilacs · 1 year ago

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One thing I don't think I grasped until I became pregnant with my second child, is that the naivety when you're having your first makes it so much more exciting.

Don't get me wrong, it's exciting but just not as exciting. This is for a few reasons; 1) you know what is coming which is both great and not great. Okay, so maybe one reason with subsections. For instance, I think it's great that I'm confident this time around about knowing how to look after a baby, but, I think it's not so great that I already know what it's like to be sleep deprived only this time I'm going to have to doing school runs and occupy another child when all I want to do is simultaneously sleep, cry, eat and take a bath.

I'm more worried about handling my own exhaustion as I know it's not looking after your child that's hard, it's everything else you've got to do too. But in saying that, I now know it's okay to leave your content, safe baby to go wash the dishes or go to the toilet. Last time, I was a helicopter parent, fussing way too much, often holding my bladder for way too long because I was worried about what might happen when I left the room. I also know that it doesn't matter if your weaning infant will eat every vegetable you put in front of them, your toddler has different opinions on food.

So yes, there's aspects of parenting that I'm calmer about this time around, but there's also aspects that have me fretting.

A few people have told me, in not so many words, that "you figure it out", that there is no point stressing because you find a way. You have to and you make it work and some days will have you crying and some days you'll feel on top of the world, but because you love your child, this extra work is not something you can't cope with.

Often, when you feel you can't cope with something, it's just that one of your health bars is low (think of the Sims: do you need a wee? Are you hungry? Is your fun bar low? What about your hygiene bar?)... anyway once you take care of that need, things feel more manageable. This applies to everyone.

So yeah, that's my big ramble for this afternoon. The easter half term has just begun and I'm really looking forward to NOT getting up for school 🙃 because even though I'm not the one going, it's still faff for so many reasons... but that's another rant for another day! 😉

- // 16:22, Thursday 28th March 2024.

#motherhood #personal #parenting

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missspringthyme · 1 year ago

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January 9th, 2024

I ended up going up to see the friend I was going to see last week, this week. After a day of procrastinating leaving by playing the Sims, I finally made the 2ish hour drive to the town that I continue to be shocked he has willingly chosen to live in.

This friend is one of my oldest. We met for the first time when we were 12, although we only really became as close as we are now after we graduated high school. This is due to a few things, one of which was we were simultaneously in shitty relationships where our boyfriends didn't want us talking to each other because we got along too well.

Anyway, he's really good at making you feel comfortable, and seen, and taken care of; and now he has a house, a fiance, and a dog that reflects that. I love visiting him.

On the drive up I ate almost an entire bag of nori maki, so when he asked me if I was hungry I lied and said yes. He's the type of person to hear that and then say we can go get dinner later even though he's starving.

My friend worked in restaurants for many years, and his fiance still currently does, so they are both very good at picking out places to eat and probably know at least one of the staff. We went to "one of the only decent places to go to" which was a bar that served sandwiches. I got the smallest size of the vegetarian option that had no peanut butter, and when the bartender asked me if I wanted anything to drink my mind went blank.

Besides sips here and there, I stopped drinking about 1 or 2 years ago. The reasons behind this include (1) Unless heavily disguised, I hate the taste and tbh the heavily disguised drinks taste better without it (2) I developed an intolerance where I start vomiting heavily after I've had more than 2 drinks (3) Despite rarely drinking, when I did drink I did so heavily. The moment I realized that I could have just as much fun on a night without risking blacking out again, I never turned back.

Despite this, I'm a firm believer in a fun little drink to accompany a meal, so I've been trying more mocktails. I turned to my friend, who has worked as a bartender and is fantastic at mixing drinks and asked him for ideas for a mocktail I could try. I was expecting something unexpected or cool that I had never heard of, and this motherfucker said "a Shirley Temple". They're incredible though, so I got one. He drank a beer.

We talked about how busy and draining our lives are right now, and how crazy it is that he's living such a stable, adult life. He's an archaeologist, which is insane, but he's working really hard to be seen as invaluable when the layoffs he sees looming on the horizon finally happen. I'm not sure how his wedding is going to look, but I'm excited to be important enough to someone to be in their wedding party. He texted me the day he got engaged to ask if there was any time I wouldn't be able to come to their wedding so they could plan around it when they set the date.I know my friend is a little worried because his fiance has more people to invite, but I know it'll all be wonderful in the end.

Their dog is very, very nervous and doesn't do well with moves, but she usually really loves me. It took some work, but eventually, she came and sat with me again while my friend and I talked. I need to come to see them more often so I can reestablish myself as a favorite again.

His fiance came home later that night, and joined in our conversation. I really like him, and I hope eventually we can become friends outside of our mutual connection. First I need to get better at calling my friend though.

I was offered edibles and decided to take some, stupidly thinking they were the same dosage as last time I had taken edibles at their house. Previously, 2 gummies had meant feeling relaxed but clear-headed, this time it meant that I felt that I was trapped inside a heavy skin suit and I didn't know where my lungs were. I'm becoming more and more fond of not chemically altering my mood.

When I was drunk, I had a horrible habit of doing everything in my power to not let anyone know. I would do the most obviously drunk-person things and then deny if anyone asked me. I found out I have the same instinct when high, but I went to bed before it became too much of a problem.

#friend #january

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astoryisaloveaffair · 2 years ago

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Fix You - Chapter 14: Enjoy the Silence

Gif by @hunterschafer

Pairing: Frankie “Catfish” Morales x Fem!Reader

Fic Masterlist

Read on A03

Spotify Playlist

»»———————►

Chapter Summary: The final heat...

Word Count: 7k

Rating: R

Chapter Warnings: Cussing, violence. I will not be warning anything else due to spoiling the story. We are all grown. You can stop reading when you want to.

A/N: Has it really been a year? I wish I had a better excuse than "I haven't been doing great." But that's what it is. I've had huge changes in my life. New job, new career, new goals, and a greater sense of self-worth. I'm feeling a lot better. But my new schedule is busy! Hopefully you can forgive me for such a long cliffhanger.

Finally, a heads up. This has been the arc I have been working towards for almost two years, and I'm not going to waver. Just stick with me like you have been. It’ll be worth it.

I also did the absolute most and made a specific playlist just for this chapter here.

Forever thank you to everyone who commented, reblogged, shared, boosted, made content for, and supported me. It meant a lot and definitely kept this fic in the back of my mind. As always, most love to my girl @musings-of-a-rose who has tolerated me being a shitty friend for a whole ass year, and always talking things through with me in life and in this fic. Cheers.

Suggested Songs: Depeche Mode "Enjoy the Silence", Fitz and the Tantrums: "Out of My League", Lizzo "Truth Hurts", Michael Kiwanuka "Cold Little Heart", Cigarettes After Sex "Cry", Guster "Demons"

Frankie and you decided to break your apartment lease starting October 1st. Fall term started on the 30th of August, and you wanted time to settle into your schedule before planning a move. You spent almost all your time at his house anyway, only stopping back at your apartment for more clothes. Frankie had already given you a row of drawers to keep your things in.

You’d honestly never been happier, both on cloud 9 and it never faded, you were incredibly excited to begin this new start with Frankie and Gabi. It all seemed to have happened so fast. It had only been five months, you hadn’t even told your family about him yet, mostly to avoid comments on the age gap.

You were relieved the hiccup in your relationship settled, you didn’t like feeling unsure or that someone resented you. When you started feeling secure again, you clung to it. That sparkle of joy was hard to keep in check.

You picked your Fall schedule out together and spent the remaining weeks of summer basking in your relationship, playing with Gabi, going out with the guys, and constant fucking. But your most favorite thing was still lying on the couch with Frankie, teasing each other and watching bad TV.

“This is simultaneously the best and worst movie I have ever seen in my life. I don’t understand how they achieved this.”

Frankie shrugs, reaching to your lap for the giant bowl of popcorn, his eyes still glazed to the TV where Mad Max: Fury Road is playing. “I dunno. Who cares? It’s cars and chaos!”

“And Tom Hardy. And Charlize Theron.”

He pinches you on the waist, acting threatened by your thirst just to tease you. “You ever been to a demo derby? This kind of reminds me of it.”

You sit up from where your back is resting against his chest. “Um, no? Isn’t that kind of…for rednecks?”

He laughs, his eyes crinkling. “I’m not sure if you noticed, but Benny and Will are rednecks. But no, it’s for anyone who likes cars crashing into each other. There’s actually one at the fair every year. We always go to it. You should come.”

“I’m not going to a demo derby.”

“Aw come on! It’ll be fun! First time for Gabi too, and there’s rides and games and funnel cake and fried oreos—” He pauses as you hold your hand up to silence him.

“I’ll go. You had me at ‘funnel cake.’”

The fair is packed. The final hurrah of the summer before kids return to school and university students dive back into their studies. The derby started at 8 PM sharp, you, Dali, and the boys got there plenty early to look around a bit, get some food, and find seats.

You forgo any typical entree and go right for the funnel cake, heaping fruit and extra powdered sugar on it until the plate is a big mound of sweet. The guys had talked you up on this for days, Benny wouldn’t shut up about it, and you found yourself excited to watch. Your legs bounce impatiently as you scarf down your cake, breaking off pieces here and there to feed to Gabi and your boys.

The seats were bleachers, hard metal planks that hurt your butt and back and caught vibration from every footfall, but Pope sat behind you so you could lean back against his legs to be more comfortable.

It’s a long wait. The bleachers eventually fill up, you certainly had the best seat in the house (thank you Will), and you could see the hoods up of participating cars behind the commentator podium. The air is musty, the odor of wet dirt from a quick August shower earlier that day.

When the first round of vehicles start revving their engines, Frankie pulls some earphones for Gabi and secures it to her head. Once he’s sure she’s comfortable, he quickly runs you through the basic rules. “So there’s several ‘heats’, and which heat you’re in is based on how many cylinders the car has. Last car moving is the winner, but you can’t just avoid the other cars the whole time. No continuing if your car starts sparking from the engine, no hitting the driver side door, and no hitting anyone who’s already out.”

“Wait, cars catch on fire in this?”

Before Frankie can answer, the announcer calls out the first heat and you almost choke at the state of the cars coming out. They were completely dilapidated, windows punched out and hood frames reinforced with extra steel. It looked like each entry had about 5 different parts all from different cars, horrendous paint jobs, and one of them even had a stuffed dinosaur duct taped to the hood. Some of them looked like they had already been hit by cars, parts hanging off and bumpers pressing in on itself. None of these cars would last at all. There’s no way...

The rink was surrounded by giant cement cinder blocks creating a large “rink” type area. The contestants lined the front bumpers of their vehicles up parallel to each other at the barricades separating the cars from the bleachers, alternately revving their engines during the countdown.

“Okay, so, usually we all pick the car we think is going to win.” Benny says. You lean forward to look over the assortment of jacked up cars for this heat, eventually settling on an old Toyota Corolla painted a matte black. Benny chooses the dino car, Will chooses a Dodge Stealth with it’s headlights hanging outside the socket, Dali and Pope argue over a Ford Taurus whose back end was already smashed into the back seats, and Frankie chooses a Chevy Impala, which you immediately regret not taking because it has such a long front and back end. Lots of room for smashing and being able to keep going.

Gabi jumps up and down on Frankie’s lap as he points out things to her over the sounds of engines and a countdown, and then the cars are off off, engines roaring and dirt kicking up as they all reverse at full speed, several of them crunching up in the middle while others circle around the perimeters.

It soon becomes clear to you that there is no rhyme or reason to which car makes it and which doesn’t. Pope’s Taurus didn’t even start and is eliminated after 2 minutes of no movement, and whoever is driving the boxy piece of shit Honda Accord that Dali had to select is a fucking maniac, winding and weaving at full speed backwards, hitting whoever gets in their way. Her choice is the winner of that heat.

Most of them are driving backwards, and Will tells you it’s because they are trying to protect the engine. You deflate in your seat a little in disappointment, but he assures you that as the heat winds down and there's fewer cars taking up the space, the drivers and announcer will get impatient and they will hit each other head to head.

You’re shocked at how much you enjoy it. At one point a car hits the passenger side door of another so hard that it is pushed up and onto the barricade wall from the inertia, hanging from an angle as the crowd jeers and shrieks in excitement. One car flips over completely, another’s engine bursts into flames and the crowd all starts crying out caution because the announcer can’t see it. You’ve never seen anything like it before and there was so much fire you were sure the whole thing would blow up, but the driver slid out the glassless driver’s side window like it was no big deal and walked it off.

There is something satisfying about two cars hitting each other at full speed, the bodies of them crunching, wheels hanging off axles, bumpers being dragged behind and run over by other drivers, cars with mangled pieces becoming stuck to each other so they can’t separate until another car hits them, tires completely gone and cars only moving on its hubs. It’s chaos in a safe format, a way to experience destruction and violence in a way that feels good and unharmful.

Gabi has never been so amazed in her entire life, her mouth hangs open and she wriggles against her dad to see everything, laughing every time a collision happens. The audience oohs and ahhs and boos and screams and cheers and teases, you and your friends join the clamor as you have your own mini competition with yourselves.

Giant fork tractors come into the arena area to lift the cars that can’t move anymore, some guys are able to get theirs back up and running, driving them to the sides to shape up for the final Battle Royale.

The final heat is fucking wild. All the cars that were already battered enough before they even began to come back out, returned to do another round for the final winner. With all the action you’d barely even noticed that contestants whose cars were still driveable had spent the remaining heats beyond the barricades hammering and reforming their vehicles enough to compete again.

And at the end, the winner of all faces the crowd, pulls off their helmet to reveal a thick curly mass of long hair. The winner is a woman. You and Dali cheer until your throats hurt.

It’s over too soon. There’s a mass exodus the instant the derby is over, the packed stadium standing and pouring down the stairs pressing so tight that you and your boys decide to hang back until it thins out. You lead the way, Frankie’s large and warm hand grazing your waist as you slowly move down the stairs and back out into the fair, turning to wait for the rest of your friends to make it out.

“What next?” Benny says when you are all reunited. “More food? Games? Rides?”

“I’m not eating more before getting on rides, let's do those now.” Says Frankie, grumbling as he hears you tease him with Benny. He whips his head around to glare at you. “Just you wait until you get older and start getting sick on rides, I cannot wait to make fun of you back.”

The wait for the ride tickets is long, but it leaves plenty of time for the group to decide how many are needed. Who is riding what, who isn’t, what pairings and who will watch Gabi on the rides she can’t do. You’re surprised when Will and Pope back out of the Zipper, leaving you and Benny as a pairing for that.

Riding it was a mistake. The ride is basically a giant airborne conveyer belt with completely enclosed containers for people hanging off it that were 360 degree capable. And it lasted FOREVER. You lose some of your funnel cake behind the ride out of sight, threatening violence on Benny if he outs you to the others.

But it didn’t stop you from riding The Freak Out immediately afterwards, a rotating pendulum swing that made you feel like you were going to be catapulted out of your seat. The ride seated 4 groups of 4 so that in between squeezing your eyes shut, you could catch watery glimpses of Benny red-faced and cackling hysterically, Will’s chants of “ohfuckohfuckohfuckOHfuckOHFUCKOHSHIT FUCCCCCCK!”, and Frankie looking…absolutely fine. It was almost disturbing really, he was calm and collected, the only hint that this might have been something other than a nice drive in his truck was his giant smile, the tears leaking from his squinted eyes, his chocolate curls whipping around in the breeze as his hands clutch his hat in his lap with a steel grip.

“How the fuck were you so calm?!” You gasp as you stumble off the rickety landing platform. You hadn’t moved yet you felt like you had run a mile, your heart was beating so fast from the adrenaline it almost felt like you might have a heart attack.

Frankie shrugs. “Feels like a copter in a bad air current.”

You simply stare blinking.

“No, he’s always like this. Like this one time, we were flying in a helo over the Andes mountains, and—”

A sharp stare from Frankie that he tries to hide from you makes Benny backpedal.

“Uhhh yea we were flying over some mountains and the air current was wild but we got over the mountains just fine and everything was fine and we were fine.”

Your heart seizes in your chest, that same feeling of not being told something creeping up. You hate it. You push it back down, swallowing heavily to center yourself. “So I assume you were fine.”

“Yea. Yea. Cat is a good pilot.”

You hum, the panic still not leaving your chest.

Frankie grabs your hand as you walk. “It happened a lot, I just got used to it.”

“It happened a lot?”

“Yea. I mean, sometimes we were flying through shit climates, sometimes even pursued. Doesn’t make for a smooth ride. I’m just used to it. They always scream bloody murder though.” Frankie smiles softly.

“Oh.”

You go silent, continuing to walk to the next destination: the scrambler. You had already established you would not ride and Dali wanted some funnel cake herself, so she heads off while you stay off to the side with Gabi to watch, lost in your own thoughts.

“Just don’t fucking talk about that, none of that. That never happened.” Frankie seethes to Benny as they are strapped into the ride.

“Sorry dude, I can’t read your thoughts. I figured she knew.”

“No. I don’t want her to know. No one else needs to know about it.”

Benny falls silent, looking to Will beside him. Pope lowers his head, choosing to say nothing.

“Catfish…you have to.” Says Will.

“No the fuck I don’t. I never want her to know. If she knows…she’ll actually see ‘real me’. ‘Fuck-up me.” And I don't want her to yet. I don’t want to lose her yet. I don’t want her to be afraid. Stop fucking looking at me like that.”

They stop. But only because the ride starts, and they can’t see anything other than blurs.

You hate this feeling, this fluttering in your stomach like something is wrong but your heart knows, it knows it’s fine. It has to be. Your mind is spinning, trying to combat the rising anxiety clenching in your chest, doing gymnastics to find reasons to not be alarmed.

He’s not lying about something. He’s not. …He promised….I’m just overthinking this…

You can’t. You refuse to even think about it. Confronting the terrible possibility that you might’ve done it again, you might have thrown yourself all in to someone only to—-no.

He’s not lying. He’s not. …He promised….he’s different. I’m just overthinking this…

You can feel butterflies bubbling in your stomach and you feel like you might throw up. Fucking men. You huff in frustration and try to distract yourself with your surroundings, watching people on rides, sharing funnel cake. Your eyes scan over two men staring at you silently by a skewered chicken cart and in your current mood it makes you furious. “What the fuck are you staring at?!” You growl at them. They say nothing and slowly walk away, disappearing into the crowd. Fucking. Men.

You try not to let your emotions show. You sit back while Gabi goes on some rides for her age, using the time to rehydrate and calm yourself down. Living through Gabi’s joy helps.. She’s having a blast, choosing a different person to pair with for each time ride. Pope in the Wacky House, the Helicopters with her dad, Benny on the mini Viking ship. Once you feel better you join in to play bumper cars (Will and Gabi win) and ride the high-rise swings with her seated in the cool metal chair next to you, Benny singing along to the ambient speakers playing “Out of My League” so loud eventually all the other teens on the ride join in.You enjoy the mini coaster more than you thought you would considering it’s for kids Gabi’s age, you and Dali are the only others who can fit in the seats, no matter how hard Benny tried. It was easy to quickly forget.

After the coaster, Gabi begins to slow down, so you hit the fried oreo stand, paying for several batches despite protestation and alternately feeding everyone as the group slowly walks through the agricultural parts of the fair. It’s calmer here, the air warm and quiet. The pathway is less crowded so Gabi is able to frolic around on the walkway in front of you safely.

You walk through every barn, stopping to pet every animal. She’s a natural with them. Completely fearless, not one flicker of apprehension as she approaches cows and horses that are easily 6 times her height, paying close attention to her dad in how to not spook them. Everyone finds the goats to be the favorite because of the sounds they make. Even more so when Frankie engages in a screaming contest back and forth with a bunch of them until someone shoos them out of the pavilion.

Soon, all the sugar Gabi consumed rears its ugly head in the rabbit barn, she throws a fit when Frankie won’t let her get a pet rabbit and you only just catch her upper arm in time to keep her from collapsing on the filthy barn floor. You’re surprised she held out so long. Even you were crashing and getting tired. Also, the rabbits were ridiculously cute.

“Listen Gabi, how about we ride the ferris wheel? Would you like that?” You kneel before her, swiping the tears off her cheeks as she catches her breath. “It goes really high! Higher than the swings!” She nods, sniffing in a snot bubble as she takes your hand. The two of you lead the way, and as you get closer and closer, you start to regret your decision.

It’s much taller than the Freak Out. By more than 100 feet. It doesn’t look very stable either.

“Wait...this…this looks kind of high, don’t you think?” You turn to the guys, trying to conceal the wavering in your voice. You were scared enough at 70 feet. This was more like 200.

“Height requirement says she’s fine. And it’s enclosed, goes really slow. Come on.” Frankie takes you by the hand and your heart leaps into your throat, your feet skidding across the lawn as you try to pull back.

A light shove pushes you forward and you turn to glare at Will as he smirks down at you. “If you don’t go I’m never going to let you hear the end of it. Not after you called us “old and broken down.”

Well shit.

“Fine.”

You’re shaking when it’s your turn, the group mad dashing to three cars next to each other so you could talk throughout. Benny pairs with Pope, Gabi is vibrating with excitement as she’s put into a carriage by Will and Dali, and Frankie is beaming as he motions you towards the left car. He pats your butt as you gingerly step in, waiting until you’re seated before joining you and taking your hand.

“Babe…are you okay?”

You swallow, grateful it’s dark enough he can’t see you trembling. “Yep. I’m good.”

He leans forward in his seat, the glowing phosphorescence of the lights of the ride and around the fair bathing him halfway in a multicolored glow. tThe colors and shadows fold into the angles of his face like rainbow chiaroscuro, an angular stained glass window. He takes your hand again, yours is swallowed in his palm and you close your eyes as he rubs his thumb across the top. The dark beat of Depeche Mode pounds against your chest and echoes in your ears and you briefly imagine this is what it must feel like to drop acid.

“Your hands are really sweaty…and you’re breathing really fast. Are you sure you’re okay? Hey…” He squeezes your palm and you open your eyes to meet his. “It’s okay if you’re scared. I won’t joke anymore about it, I’m sorry.”

You swallow. “It’s just really really high.”

Frankie watches the ride operator out of the corner of his eye passing their car as he makes sure everyone is safely locked in before tugging on your arm slightly. You slide forward minutely, he meets you more than halfway with his large limbs and rests his hands on your hips. You gasp as the ride jolts and begins rolling, lifting the cabs up in the air. His calloused fingertip pushes your head back up.

“How about I distract you.” He murmurs, shifting forward one inch more, tilting his neck as his soft pouty lips meet yours.

You close your eyes, trying to lose your self awareness into him and his mouth and the soft skin of his nose that bumps your cheek and tickles your nose with its little breaths.

The lift mechanism suddenly shudders, clunking over something and it feels like when you run over a squirrel in your car. You inhale sharply against Frankie’s lips as your cab jostles back and forth. Not much, but enough for you to slam yourself back against your seat and clutch the seat bottom as hard as you can. Your heart beats wildly and you imagine the ride breaking and dropping you on the ground to be crushed to death by this stupid fucking metal cab.

You feel pressure on your knees and look down, focusing hard to not see double from fear. Frankie cups both in his hands, thumbs lightly stroking the inside of your thighs. “It’s okay.” He reassures, squeezing your knees once more. “Probably an under-greased cog, it’s nothing. They test these things like 50 times a day.”

You simply stare, forcing yourself to nod.

“Close your eyes.”

You open your mouth to argue then close it and obey. You trust Frankie, and it can’t be any worse.

“Just focus on me. And…you hear the music? It’s called “Enjoy the Silence.” I was obsessed with this song when it came out. And can you hear Benny below us? I can hear Gabi laughing too. We’re all okay, you’re okay too.”

You bite your lips into your mouth, focusing on the song and Frankie’s husky voice. The meditative synth pop calms you, and the carefree voices of your friends below does help calm you, but you can’t slow down your heartbeat.

“I’m okay. Just too much adrenaline.”

The hands on your knees slide up your bare thighs and wrap around the bottoms of them. Frankie pulls you forward in your seat with a smirk. “I’m feeling a little amped up too.”

“Frankie.”

He doesn’t respond, his sole focus on your thighs as his hands slide up and up and up until he is just able to slip the tip of one of his fingers under one leg of your shorts. For some reason, it pisses you off.

“Frankie!” You hiss. “People could see us.”

“Nah…” He shushes you, his finger sliding lower.

You clamp your legs shut and push his hand back in his direction. “Frankie, I don’t want to right here.”

He sits up. “Oh.”

Suddenly you hear Benny’s voice from below. “Hello we are underneath you guys! I don’t want to hear any hooking up sounds!” He trolls, and you fully push Frankie back to his side, your cheeks burning in embarrassment.

It’s the first time you can remember that it’s ever been uncomfortably awkward between the two of you, and you’re not sure why. The silence seems so much more noticeable and weird against the clanking of the Ferris wheel gears and the chattering of random other people.

You’re not even looking at each other, you realize. When did that happen? Your neck cranes to the left as you gaze at the stars, and when you turn back towards Frankie, he is looking to the right and down at the fair.

“…Is everything okay?”

His eyes snap back to yours. “Yea? Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Cause I pushed you away, and…I dunno, you’re being weird..”

“Oh, I’m sorry, that’s not intentional. I’m not upset, c’mere.” He opens his arms wide to you, scooting on his bench so there’s enough room for you.

You hesitate. “Won’t it…won’t it throw off the balance?”

You feel ridiculous asking but he doesn’t laugh at you, just shakes his head slightly. “Nah, they wouldn’t be able to run this ride if people couldn’t sit on the same side.”

You balance awkwardly on the edge of your bench overanalyzing what exact moment during the track of the ride to launch onto his, but you overthink it and end up jostling the cab more than necessary. Frankie’s arms pull you into his side and you burrow your face in his neck as the cab continues to rock. The music fades from Depeche Mode to Lizzo to Lil’ Nas X (Will clearly enjoys that one) and then back to Lizzo, and you forget all about your uneasiness.

He was right. It did feel better being with him.

The ride does one more pass then rolls to a halt, letting off you with Frankie and Benny with Santiago. You hover at the exit for Will and Gabi, who have to wait for their cab to reach the platform before dismounting. Frankie takes your hand as you wait.

Gabby’s adrenaline rush runs out fast, and you spend the remainder of the fair eating more fried Oreos and playing games. Somehow you manage to beat them all at the water shooting game, which amps up the competitiveness to the point you’d rather just watch.

Which is how you end up at the “star” game.

“We’re so fucking good at this game, it pisses them off every time.” Laughs Benny, as he shoots the entire Star out perfectly with the gun that is specifically not given enough ammo to achieve this. You hop up on the far side of the counter to watch, noting the way each of you boys handles their weapon and the differences in each. Benny held his gun loosely, like he was relaxed and self assured. It almost seemed like you would be able to slap it out of his hands but you knew he still had an iron grip. Will was precise and, as you expected, “perfect form”. You could tell just from Pope’s posture change that he was the best shot on the team, you’d never seen him look so focused. Frankie held his with a tense white knuckle grip, the folding stock tucked against his shoulder joint. The tension carrying up his arms as his veins popped out in his forearms and biceps. He looked fucking good. And you wouldn’t consider yourself a “gun person.” In fact, you kind of hated them. But there just was something about a strong non-douchey man holding a rifle like that that activated you. Damn the patriarchy. Even Dali is a great shot, though not as good as the guys.

After a few rounds, the carnie finally stopped allowing your posse to keep playing, frustrated that somehow the rigging system didn’t work on your group. You lean back on your hands, your legs swinging against the wood counter, observing Benny arguing with the carnie with a smirk. Gabi is passed out in her stroller next to you as Frankie sidles up to you, feeding you a piece of Fried Reeses, then promptly kissing you so the taste floats between you.

He hums deeply, stepping closer to you til he’s between your legs. His hands rest low on the top of your thighs. “This ok?”

You smile. “Yes. More than okay. And I want more.”

Frankie beams and cups your face, his lips crashing into yours as he all but breathes you in. You tilt your head and poke his mouth with your tongue. He responds immediately and opens for you, meeting you halfway. You whine softly as his hands leave your cheeks and trail down your back, one hand sneaking a bit lower to discreetly cup your ass. You’ve just wound your legs around his hips and your arms around his neck when you hear a shrill voice cut through the din of the dwindling crowd.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

Your heart slams to a halt so fast it hurts. You recognize that voice. And so does Frankie. Your heads both snap to the left as a disheveled looking Lex stands there with a bunch of her friends.

Frankie simply stares. She repeats herself. “Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. The BABYSITTER? Are you fucking your BABYSITTER??? Oh Frankie…come on…how pathetic can you be? She’s like a child!”

You look at Frankie, receding into himself like a silent, terrified puppy. You’ve never seen him like this before, it unnerves you.

“Excuse me.” You snap back. “I am 28.”

She scoffs. I fucking knew something was going on with you two. And you’re doing this in front of my child?”

“Well, actually, Gabi is sleeping. At least she was, until you came ranting and raving.” You make eye contact with Pope, who reads your perfectly and starts steering Gabi’s stroller away so she can’t hear. “We made sure to be careful for her but why do you even care if we are fucking? You left him! You didn’t want him anymore, so it shouldn’t fucking matter who he dates.”

“He’s a drug addict and a pathological liar. He will NEVER change.”

“Yea? And you are a drunk, controlling, OCD bitch who can’t mind her own fucking business. He’s happy with me. I trust him. Unlike you. Bye.” You couldn’t help yourself, you just fucking hated her.

But that set her off. “Did he tell you why he was suspended?”

“Yes, he—“

“Did he tell you he was high, flying a family and he almost injured everyone from a sloppy landing? Did he tell you how he would take Gabi to his drug dealers house with him? How he went on a STUPID fucking mission with these idiots to burglarize a fucking drug lord completely off paper? That I deliberately asked him not to because we had a new baby? That he crashed their helicopter, dropped all their money and shot innocent villagers to keep them from getting it? At children and old men adn women? That because of that, Molly’s husband was shot in the fucking head by one of those people? And then they couldn’t even bring the money back so it was all for no reason?”

She’s shouting now, spittle flying from her inebriated lips. One of her friends tries to grab her arm but she shakes them off. People in the crowd are starting to stop and watch. “Then, THEN, he treated me like shit, saying horrible things to me just when he was mad, throwing things, scaring me!”

You feel like you can’t breathe, it’s too much information all at once. “...What? I don’t…No. no, he said he was on a delta mission–”

“Oh sweetheart,” She sneers condescendingly. “He was on a greed mission. He was retired from delta. This was like a year ago. They all wanted to get rich and robbed a fucking drug kingpin and Frankie shot innocent people to make sure he got alllllll that money. And because of that, his friend was shot and killed and his family has NO idea why. He lied to you.”

You turn to look at him, and all his friends. Everyone is silent, trying not to look up from the ground. Dali looks as bewildered as you. “Frankie…?” Tears water in your eyes and you feel like your heart is going to burst. You thought he told you it was an enlisted mission, but on top of everything else you just learned your thoughts are rushing so fast you can’t seem to remember specifics.

Frankie can’t even look at you. And that’s how you know.

It’s true…

“Lex. Stop.” Will’s Southern drawl cuts through the silence, the commanding officer in him coming out. “It’s over. This shit between you two has to stop. Enough.” His eyes shift to Lex’s friends, who are nodding and repeating the same thing. Lex finally allows them to pull her away muttering under her breath, sending one last glare in your direction.

The walk to the truck is silent. The ride home is a foggy blur. But the minute you step into the house, you crack.

“Frankie please tell me all this is not true.” You can’t read him at all, his face is completely blank as he moves around you towards Gabi’s bedroom to tuck her in.

So you wait.

His hackles are already up when he comes back out.

“Frankie–”

“Yea.”

“Well?”

“Yea. It’s true. We tried to steal money from one of Pope’s cases and it backfired and Tom got shot.”

“Because of you.”

His expression changes then, from blank nothing to vicious defensive anger. “Yea. Because of me. I fucked up the flight back and we crash landed and these fuckin’ villagers were gonna take the money! And it was an accident!”

“You ‘accidentally’ shot innocent people?”

He swallows, his jaw clenching and unclenching. You can see he’s doing mental gymnastics in order to avoid accountability.

“Did your finger slip?”

No answer.

“Frankie. Did your finger slip on the trigger?”

You already know the answer before he says it. And somehow it’s like he morphs into a Disney villain as he says it. “No. My finger didn’t slip.”

It burns, the sharp pain in your heart that makes you feel like it’s having a seizure or forgot how to pump blood or is pumping too much blood. “How many people did you kill.”

He shrugs. “I dunno.”

“You don’t know? How can you not know?! Frankie, you told me this was your job! You- you fucking lied to me! I-I I asked you if you were hiding anything else from me and you fucking lied to me!” You can’t help your voice raising, the tears spilling out of your eyes as you realize how fucking stupid you had been. Somewhere in the background you can hear Gabi has woken and is hysterically crying. Frankie, clearly having enough, turns back towards her room. But you continue, screaming at his back. “And that’s why Tom is dead? And his family doesn’t know why?!”

Frankie doesn’t answer and suddenly you are enraged. You run behind him and shove him forward. “I’m fucking talking to you! How can you just be so fucking blase about this??? And…all that other shit???—I feel like I don’t know you at all!”

He whirls around, that furious murderous face you ‘ve seen him give others is finally directed at you. “Because you don’t!” He screams back, his teeth nash and he shoves a finger one inch from your face. You flinch.

“Frankie, you’re scaring me.”

“I’m scaring you? Really? I thought this was your thing?”

You blink, confused, tears stalling on your face. “Don’t–” You plead softly.

“No, Lex is right. You’re a naive little girl who thinks she can save worthless idiots like me and live some fucking fantasy happily ever after. You won’t. You can’t. I’m unfixable.”

“How can you say that!! Frankie, I love you!

He scoffs. “I know you think you do. And I know you aren’t stupid, you told me you’ve done this before. But guess what sweetie, you aren’t better, you’re still doing it because you’re so fucking desperate for someone to love you. You don’t love me. You just want to feel like some fucking savior.”

“No! No… I didn’t, I don’t…you told me you loved me!”

“I wanted to fuck you.” His eyes are black as far, it’s like you don’t even recognize his face anymore. Lex was right. Lex was right. How…did you make all of it up in your head?

“You…You’re a fucking psycho…I feel like you emotionally manipulated me into caring for you only for you to play games with me! I specifically told you I couldn’t go through this again and you fucking did it anyway!”

“Hey, you kissed me. And you were fun to fuck, I will admit that. Let me do fucking anything. But we both knew this would happen. You set yourself up. I did shoot those villagers. I caused Tom’s death. I just wanted the fucking money. And I wanted to kill a bunch of kids too, when they got in my way. Fuckin’ teenagers and I told Pope to fucking shoot them all. And you know what else? We went back and got all that fucking money we hid, and we are fucking swimming in it. And I didn’t share a goddamn dime with my ex. You’re right. I am a psycho, so it’s a good thing this is over. Pack your shit and leave me alone.”

“Fuck you Frankie.”

You don’t wait another moment. You don’t need to be asked twice this time. You shove him aside on your way down the hallway, doing everything you can not to let the second round of tears fall. He’d seen enough.

You slam the door of the master bedroom behind you, frantically bouncing around different points in the room to grab all your shit. When did all of this stuff even get here? Anxiety bubbles up your chest until you can’t take it anymore and say fuck it, he can just throw anything else out. I have to get out of here.

You rush back down the hallway like a speed demon, praying to whatever that he won’t be standing in the hallway still. He isn’t. He’s sitting on his couch facing away from you, his head in his hands. You hate yourself for wanting to go comfort him. He’s right…I’m

not better…

You pause on the front doorway, struggling to say what needs to be said. Don’t be weak. Don’t keep letting people do this to you over and over. “Don’t contact me.I never want to see you again.” You say to his back.

He doesn’t move a muscle, or even look at you. “You won’t.”

You were able to make it halfway across the lawn before the grief fully hit. By the time you got to your car you were gasping like you were no longer able to breathe. And the minute your car door shut you broke, a wailing sob bursting from your lips as you bury your face in your palms.

Again. It happened again. And it’s just as crushing as every other time, except now it feels like you never healed from the others and now they are all piling on top of the other with this one as the final blow.

Why. WHY? Was there something wrong with you? Why were you never enough? Why couldn’t you make them stay? What did you do to keep having to go through this? It almost killed you last time, your eyes squeeze shut as you remember the look on your parents face as they watched you writhe on your bed screaming and crying hysterically from your latest breakup.

And why did you let yourself fall into it again, like you had never learned a goddamn thing. It was like you were masochistic, you told yourself you would never need someone again so badly, you wouldn’t enmesh yourself so fully that when it fell apart you could barely function. Your heart was once again ripped out of your chest and thrown to the floor, the cracks from before making this shattering into pieces so small you know it can’t get repaired again.

With a trembling whimper, you pull your face out of your hands and wipe your eyes, your nose. You realize you’re still sitting in Frankie’s driveway and you immediately look to see if he's at the window, concerned for you. He isn’t. You hate yourself for it but it breaks you even more.

It’s over.

You drive home mindlessly, your Spotify on shuffle and you aren’t aware of anything else. Just get home. Just get home and then you can cry, try to move on. But you already know you won’t.

You finally tire yourself out of tears, and you try to talk yourself up, turning up the music and chanting “it’s okay” to yourself.

It’s Coldplay. You always liked Coldplay.

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try, you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you…

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face, and I–

You slam the on/off button so hard you actually cause the auxiliary cord to malfunction, so you rip it out of your phone and throw the damn thing on the passenger seat. You drive home in silence.

It’s dark in the lot when you arrive. You park in a spot along the side and towards the back because the lot is mostly full. The only light shining is the pole yards away, the bulb switches off and on opposite of the dark one right above you.

You feel numb. You can still feel sticky dried tears on your face, but your ability to utter a sound is gone. You close your eyes and try to compose yourself, simply sitting in your car in the dark. You’re avoiding going upstairs, you know. You’ve pretty much been living at Frankie’s. Walking through that door would make it feel too ‘official’. You cover your face with your hands and rub the tears tracks off your raw face, and are about to take a breath and gather your shit when a THWACKING sound bursts right in your left ear.

You startle with a yelp and look out your window, prepared to tell off whoever is messing with you, but freeze when you find yourself face to face with the barrel of a gun, the only thing separating you from it is the shitty window glass on your cheap car.

»»———————►

Post A/N: Don't yell at me lol

#fix you fic #frankie morales x you #frankie morales x reader #frankie morales x fem!reader #pedro pascal x you #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal character fanfiction #pedro pascal x fem!reader #triple frontier fanfic

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libraryofloveletters · 4 years ago

Text

The Parent Trap

Eddie Diaz x Reader

Warnings: fem!reader, mentions of war, death and loss of parent/spouse

Category: Fluff

Word Count: 2.8k

Author’s Note: Based on this request!

Part 2- The Mistletoe Proposal

---

Emily, your daughter, sat beside a little boy on the playground bench while the other kids ran around in the sun waiting for their parents. “Hey” you smiled at the kids on the bench, you sat beside your daughter, she gave you a half hug. “Mom, this is Christopher, he’s my friend. He’s in my class and he likes to paint just like me!” she gushed, looking over at the little boy who had a smile on his face.

“Hi Christopher, I'm y/n. It’s nice to meet you” you leaned forward so he could see you. He gave you a big smile, the two children told you about their day at school, how they learned about amphibians and reptiles, their teacher showed them a video about frogs.

“Christopher, are you waiting for someone sweetheart ?”

“My dad” he looked over at you

“Chris, buddy!” a man’s voice shouted, looking over your shoulder you saw a man running towards you guys.

“Dad!” the little boy shouted back as he stood up, you helped him with his crutches as his father came over. “Hi bud” the man picked him up whilst he hugged him. The back of his t-shirt read “Los Angeles Fire Department”

“Dad, this is Emily my friend” Emily stood up, “Hi Chris's dad” she gave him a toothy grin, she was missing a few teeth. The man chuckled as he put Christopher down, “Hi Emily, I'm Eddie” he stuck his hand out, she gave him a high five which made him smile at her.

The interaction made your heart swell, he was good with kids.

“You are?” he looked at you, “I'm y/n, Emily’s mom” you smiled at him, he gave you a nod.

“Mommy?” Emily tugged on your hand, “yeah love bug?”

“Can Chris come over for a playdate now?”

“Oh baby,” you glance at Eddie, “I don’t know. Maybe Chris and his dad have somewhere to be”

“We don’t,” Christopher answers for his father, “can I go dad? please?” the boy looks up at him. Eddie was a sucker for his son clearly, anyone that looked at them could see how much he loved him, he’d do anything to keep him happy.

“Uh- okay yeah. That’s fine” Eddie gave in, just as you suspected. “Christopher come in!” your daughter walked up with Christopher, you watched them with a smile on your face, you and Eddie following behind them.

“Hey, sorry about them ambushing you like that. If you have somewhere to be, we can reschedule ?” you offered, you didn't want him to feel pressured just because the kids wanted to hang out.

“Nah it’s cool, we were just going to go home and play video games or something” Eddie ran a hand through his hair, “I'm sure he rather the company than a lame afternoon at home with dad” his comment made you smile. “Em! Wait up!” you jogged to catch up to the kids, Eddie followed behind you.

“Uh let me give you the address” you turned to Eddie, “oh that’s cool, I'll just follow behind you.” he said nonchalantly.

“I didn't drive today”

“Oh,” he paused for a moment, “how about you guys come with us and you can direct me? Maybe we can stop for pizza or something ?” he looks down at the kids, “how does that sound?” he asks them, a loud mess of “yes” and excited shouting filled your ears, Eddie led the 3 of you over to this truck. He lifted Christopher into the truck and proceeded to do the same with Emily. “Cool necklace!” she picked up the pendant on his neck, he smiled at her “Emily!” you gave her a look, Eddie shook his head. “It’s cool isn't it ? it’s my Saint Christoper’s pendant”

“Like Christopher ?” she asked him, still fiddling with the pendant.

“Yeah, just like Christopher”

Eddie got in the truck, he drove to the pizza place down the road from the school. Eddie asked the kids what they wanted, they both wanted the same thing but kept changing their minds each time they decided. “How about I get both and you choose when we get home?” he offered the kids, they nodded.

Home. The idea of a home with Eddie flicker through your mind monetarily, you shook the idea from your head. You had only just met this man, what's wrong with you.

“Oh wait!” you were digging through your pocket, Eddie’s eyes practically burning a hole into you.

Pulling some cash from your pocket, “here, for the food” Eddie refused to take it from you.

“I got it, don’t worry about it” he said as he opened the door.

“It’s a lot” you went to give him the cash again, he rested his hand on yours. “Next time, this time is on me” he smiled. Eddie left you and the kids in the car. You looked over at the backseat, Chris and Emily were whispering about something but a phone rang, interrupting their conversation. “It’s your dad’s phone kiddo” you looked at Chris and then at the phone, “it says it’s Buck, do you want to answer it ?” Chris nodded. He answered once you passed him the phone, he had it on speaker.

“Eddie! are we on for tonight ?” the man shouted from the other end of the call. “Buck!” Chris laughed. “Christopher! Hey buddy, where’s your dad?”

“Inside”

“And where are you ?”

“In the car”

“By yourself?” you could hear the panic in his voice, you spoke up.

“Hi, I'm y/n, I'm Emily’s mom uh- she’s friends with Christoper. They’re having a playdate. Eddie is inside getting pizza, he’ll be back in a few” you explain, the line goes silent for a moment. “Oh, okay. Can you tell Eddie to call me back ?”

“Sure” you say, “bye Buck!” Christoper says which made the man chuckle, “bye buddy, have fun at your playdate”

Christopher handed the phone back to you as Eddie came back to the truck. “There’s my phone, I thought I left it at the station” he said, getting in. “Oh no, your friend called, Christoper answered”

“Who was it?” he looked back at his son

“Buck” he smiled at his dad, Eddie smiled back at him, “He asked for you to call him back ?”

“Thanks” was all he said as he started driving. You directed him to your house, which was the opposite direction of the pizza place. “The one with the red door,” you pointed at house number 56, “that one” Eddie pulled into your driveway. Once again, he helped the kids get out of the truck, you turned to the kids, “do you want to eat inside or outside ?” you asked, they looked at each other, “outside!” they simultaneously shouted. Unlocking the front door, the kids walked in, Emily led him to the backdoor and made their way outside.

“Plates?” Eddie asked, you turned your attention to the fridge. “Uh cupboard to the left of the fridge” you leaned over into the fridge, reaching for the lemonade. “Wait does he drink lemonade- oh sorry!” You bumped into Eddie, his arm reaching for your arm to steady you.

“It’s okay, yeah he does” Eddie smiled, leaving you in the house as he went out to see the kids. Hands on the counter, you steadied your breathing for a moment, you were basically pressed up against your daughter’s friend’s ridiculously hot father. Pouring the lemonade into the glasses, you take a moment before going to pick up the glasses, right as you reach for them, Eddie’s hand touches yours, startling you. “Holy shit!” your hand clutches at your chest, Eddie has a slight red tint on his cheeks, you couldn’t tell if it was a blush or from the heat. “I’m sorry” he said, giving your shoulder a squeeze before getting the glasses. “I don’t mean to keep scaring you like that” “Oh, no worries. Just been a little jumpy lately” following him out the backdoor.

Christopher and Emily sat in the shade and were painting something on the two giant tablecloths you had given them. “Why tablecloths?” Eddie glanced at you, then turning his attention back to the children. He sat beside you on the porch swing you had outside. “It’s big enough for them to express all their idea without having to squish them into one tiny piece of paper, plus you can use it as a tablecloth afterwards,” you laughed “you couldn't imagine how excited they are when they see it on the table” Eddie nodded, smiling at his son who was covered in paint beside a paint covered Emily.

“We should get going soon, I'm sure your husband-” you looked at him as he paused mid-sentence, “or wife, will be home soon” his comment earned a loud cackle from you, a hand covering your mouth. “Oh god no,” you hand rested on his arm, “there’s no husband or wife in the picture, just me and love bug”

“Oh sorry, I just assumed you were married”

“No worries, I'm sure the missus or mister is waiting for you at home too”

Eddie shook his head, “Christopher’s mom, my wife- my ex I guess, she passed last year” he said quietly, his eyes fixated on the little boy sitting in the grass. The smile faded from your face, “Eddie, I'm so sorry” you whispered. Emily’s father was never in the picture, the two of you never had to experience that type of loss or hurt. You couldn't even begin to imagine what it would be like for Eddie to lose his wife, for Christopher to lose his mom. “It’s okay. Truthfully, she had just come back into our lives. Christoper was really enjoying his time with her, so was I” his voice wavered for a moment before clearing his throat.

“What about you ? Where’s Emily’s dad ?” he turned to you, clearly wanting to get the topic off of her, you indulged his questions.

“Hooked up with Emily’s dad at a college party, found out I was pregnant with her a few weeks later. I told him, he said he didn't want anything to do with “that thing”” you used air quotes with the last part,

“I'm sorry, he sounds like an ass. No offence” Eddie looked at you making you laugh.

“None taken, I regret him with my whole being but I never regretted having her. She’s my best friend” you looked over at your daughter.

“I wasn't here for the first few years of Christopher’s life, I was in Afghanistan. I would tell myself that I'm doing it for him but honestly, I regret that. I missed all his firsts, the first steps, the first words... I know I'm here now but I can’t help but think what if I didn't make it home ? What would have happened?” you rested your hand on Eddie’s hand, “hey, you can’t think like that. Yeah, it sucks you missed the firsts but think about how many more there are. The first day of high school, first date, first car, first graduation, first time picking him up from a party” you smiled, giving his hand a little squeeze.

The sky was now a reddish orange colour, it was around 8pm and you hadn’t realized how much time had gone by. “Alright kids, let’s see those paintings” you walked over to look at the paintings, “Eddie, I think we have two future artists here” he walked over too, he smiled at the kids and their paintings. “Y/n, I think you’re right. but buddy, we gotta get home” he helped Chris up, Emily tugged herself up by clinging to your leg, “you good there bug ?” your hand rested atop her head. “Mommy?”

“Yes?”

“Can Chris and his dad stay for dinner?” Your daughter leaned from behind your leg and gave Chris a thumbs up which he returned. “What are you two up to ?” you asked her,

“Nothing! Can they stay ? pleaseeee” she begged you, you glanced at the boy and his father.

“Bubba, I don't know. I’m sure Eddie’s got work in the morning, you and Chris both have school. They probably want to get home”

“Actually,” Eddie turned to you, “if it’s okay with you, I don't mind staying”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure Chris would like that too” You nodded, Eddie picked up Christoper with one arm and came over to pick up Emily with the other. Once again, your heart swells at the sight of this man and the children.

Dinner was quiet, it was nice having a full table for once, normally it was just the two of you. “How was school guys?” Eddie asks the kids at the table, you were in the kitchen putting away the leftovers. “We painted frogs and saw a video about them” Christopher told him, Emily adding on to his statement.

“Our teacher said she went on a date last night” she and Christopher giggled.

“Did she?” Eddie chuckled, humouring the children.

“I think you should go on a date with Emily’s mom” Christoper says to his father, you can hear Eddie cough after almost choking on his soda.

“I promise she’s nice” your daughter says, you hold back a laugh from the kitchen.

“Why do you guys go watch some tv? I’ll take these to the kitchen” the sound of clattering dishes and little feet was the sound that filled the house for the next few moments.

Eddie rests the plates in the sink and turns on the tap. “I got it, don’t worry” you tell him, he shakes his head. “Please, you made dinner and let us hang out here all afternoon, the least I can do is wash the dishes”

“So, that was an interesting conversation y'all were having” you smile at him, again, that slight red tint popped back up on his face. “you heard that ?” his eyes on the sink, “yeah, I promise I am nice but I had no idea they were going to try and set us up” you laughed, you couldn’t hold it back any longer. Eddie let out a laugh too, “yeah, that was uh- a little- it definitely caught me off guard” he turned to you.

The time was now 10:30, “I think it’s time we get home” Eddie said, wiping his hands on the kitchen towel. “Yeah, it’s pretty late” you watch as Eddie walks to the living room to get Christoper. A few moments later, Chris comes into the kitchen, you walk over and kneel down so the two of you are face to face.

“Thank you for letting me hang out and have dinner here” he says sweetly, you give him a smile. “You’re welcome my love, you’re welcome to come over anytime you’d like” Christopher gives you a hug which you return. You walk in back to the living room where you find a scene similar to the one you just had wth Christopher. Emily sat beside Eddie on the couch, her little arms wrapped around his neck, “think about it ?” she asked him, sticking her pinky out to him. He laughed and nodded, “I will” he linked his pinky with hers. “Ready to go home bud ?” Eddie asked his son who nodded, Christopher said goodbye to Emily before they made their way over to the door. Emily had already ran off to go get ready for bed leaving you at the door as Eddie helped Chris in the truck. You stepped out onto the porch, Eddie was halfway between the truck and your front door.

“Thank you for having us over today”

“Thank you for coming, it was nice to have a full house”

Eddie turned on his heels and headed to the truck, he stopped and turned back towards you. “I really enjoyed this, maybe we could have a playdate of our own sometime?” your brows furrowed at his comment.

Was he suggesting that you get together and play with toys or play with something else..

Eddie senses your confusion, “oh god, I didn't mean, sorry uh-” he let out an awkward chuckle, “I meant maybe we could go out sometime ? together but without the kids ?” he made his way over to you.

“Are you asking me on a date or a playdate ?” you tease him, you bit your lip, holding back a smile. Eddie rolled his eyes playfully, “a date y/n, I'd like to go on a date with you”

“I’d like that Eddie”

Eddie pressed a kiss to your cheek, “goodnight y/n”

“Goodnight Eddie”

taglist: @ssa-volturi @advicefromnixxxx

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reidgraygubler · 4 years ago

Text

growing in a garden (spencer reid)

Title: Growing in a Garden

Requested: yes, was a request someone sent to @imagining-in-the-margins, but she offered it to me

Pairing: dad!spencer reid/non-binary!child!reader

Category: mostly fluff

Content Warning: talks about the lgbt community, figuring out gender identity/pronouns/labels, brief mentions of parental death, afab!child!reader, I honestly do not know what else needs to be tagged if anything needs to be tagged. Like always if something needs to be tagged let me know!

Word Count: 1,826

Summary: Spencer’s 12-year-old is confused about their gender identity and goes to their dad for help and advice. Later his child has some exciting news.

A/N: okay so pom offered this one to me. It’s got two of my favorite things. Dad!spencer, and a non-binary character. It was quite literally an offer i couldn’t refuse. I also added in an idea I had come up with the same day she sent me the request. Also, like my last enby!reader fic (linked here!) reader is afab and will use they/them pronouns, since that’s me. thank you all so much for the support! i really do appreciate it. check out my masterlist!

{***}{***}{***}

“Hey Dad.” Spencer’s child looked up at him and watched as he carefully closed and lowered his book. At that moment, his child had his undivided attention.

“Yeah, Peanut?” Spencer looked down at the preteen. His child looked away from Spencer and down at their lap. They couldn’t help but pull at the loose threads on their jeans. “What’s wrong, Peanut?” Spencer asked as he sensed there was an issue.

“I…” his child paused and looked up at him for a brief moment before dropping their gaze. Spencer turned to face them more, preparing for a more serious conversation.

“Do we need to be in Safe Space?” Spencer asked as he rested a hand on his child’s knee. Safe Space was what the father and child called when they needed to have a serious or difficult conversation. Spencer decided it was a need between him and his child after his partner had passed. And he’s happy it exists. The number of times it’s helped his child was amazing. They both dreaded having serious conversations, and would rather have fun or light-hearted conversations. However, Spencer knew those serious conversations came with being a parent.

But this conversation was different. His child almost never approaches him with a serious topic. Usually it was Spencer going to the pre-teen with a worry or chore. The times his child went to him was typically about school, whether it’d be a bully or a question about a subject. Spencer had a feeling this wasn’t about school. Which made him wonder if it was about something more serious. His mind was reeling with thoughts and worries of what his child would want to talk about.

“You know you can talk to me about anything… This is a judgment-free zone,” Spencer whispered as he looked at the child. His child looked up at him and nodded. Spencer noted the mild fear hidden in his child’s eyes. Their eyes quickly dropped to look at their knee where their father’s hand was resting. “You have nothing to be afraid about. And I won’t be mad at you,” Spencer reassured.

“Sometimes… Sometimes I don’t feel like… I should be a girl,” they whispered as they looked at the coffee table in front of them.

Spencer furrowed his eyebrows and cocked his head to the side. An unnerving silence fell over the pair as Spencer began thinking of what to say. He’d never thought about this being a situation. He’d read all the parenting books he could, but they never mentioned this topic. Spencer worried he’d say the wrong thing and make his offspring upset.

He’d never be mad at his child. They’d never do anything wrong in his eyes. The pre-teen shouldn’t be scared about this or their dad being mad at them. To be fair, his child had never felt this way before. They were confused and needed help figuring it out. So, they went to the one person they knew who knows everything. But this time was different, because Spencer didn’t exactly know what to say.

“Well,” he started and paused for a thought. Although none of the parenting books mentioned a scenario like this, he had read plenty of LGBTQ+ books. He knew enough about that to help his child. “What do you feel like? Do you feel like a boy?” Spencer quietly asked. His child looked up at him and furrowed their eyebrows before shaking their head.

“No… No, I don’t feel like a boy… Or like a girl… I don’t know. I don’t know how to explain it,” the child whispered as they rambled for a moment. Spencer could feel the tension his child was feeling, and the stress that was growing. The longer he stayed quiet, the more his child got scared. Spencer knew he’d have to be quick and say something. “Does that make me a bad person?” their voice was quiet and soft. They were worried they were wrong

“No, no!” Spencer exclaimed as he shook his head. His child jumped and looked over at him. He didn’t intend to scare them, but it’s what happened. “That doesn’t make you a bad person at all, Peanut! There’s nothing wrong with not knowing how to identify yourself,” Spencer started as he moved to kneel on the ground.

His child looked at him as he knelt beside them. Spencer grabbed both their hands and looked up at them. The smile that grew on his lips sacred the child, but also equally calmed them down. The child looked down at their hands, calming down as they looked at the way Spencer held their hands. It made them feel safe.

“Gender is a social construct…” Spencer started with a smile. The pre-teen looked up at their dad with furrowed eyebrows.

“What does that mean?”

“It’s fake. Made up. It doesn’t matter what you are. A boy, a girl… A robot even! It doesn’t matter,” Spencer replied as he looked at the child. His child looked back up at him with furrowed eyebrows. “Yes, you can identify as a robot… If you wanted.” That made the pair laugh, the intensity breaking for a moment.

“I can?”

“If that’s what you want.”

“What… What would the other kids in my class think?” they asked with worry in their voice and on their face. Spencer’s eyebrows furrowed together as he looked at them.

“As long as you’re unapologetically you… you don’t have to care about what anyone says or thinks,” Spencer whispered back, “You got that?”

“Yeah, yeah… Got that,” they softly whispered. Spencer’s eyebrow raised as he looked up at his child.

“What is it?”

“What… What would you call me? Like, I dunno… if I’m not a girl, and I’m not a boy… What would I be?” The child’s voice was quiet and so soft. Spencer was grateful he was so close to them because he probably wouldn’t have heard them otherwise. Spencer dropped his head to his shoulder as he looked at the child.

“Well, if you don’t want to be a girl, or a boy… We could try they/them pronouns if you want.” Spencer looked at the pre-teen as he spoke. “How does that sound?”

“Yeah… Yeah, I like that,” the child whispered and nodded.

“And if you really want to label it, we could try non-binary. And that means you don’t follow the normal gender binary. Do you know what gender binary means?” Spencer asked, even though he already knew the answer.

“No," The pre-teen replied with a shake of the head.

“So, the gender binary is what being a boy or a girl is called, because binary means ‘having two parts’. Therefore, non-binary is just a term people use to describe genders that don’t fall into one of those categories. Like, identifying as a robot, you wouldn’t fall into either of those categories.” Spencer tried to explain but it was hard for him to explain in a way for a child to understand. “Does that make any sense?” His child looked back at him and nodded.

“Yeah, yeah. It makes sense. Thanks, Dad,” they whispered as they looked back down at their lap. Spencer smiled before patting their knee.

“Of course. If you have any other questions, just let me know and we can figure it out together. Okay?” Spencer asked as he stood.

“Okay,” they replied back with a nod. Spencer looked at his child as he sat back down beside them on the couch.

And with that, the usual silence fell over the pair. Spencer went back to reading his book, while his child stayed sitting on the couch. Spencer didn’t question it. He just assumed they needed a break after their conversation and school. They were probably over-loaded and needed a small break.

That was until they asked another question.

“Hey dad,”

“Yes, Peanut?”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Of course you can, Peanut.” Spencer looked down at his off-spring with a raised brow and small smile on his lips. The child looked up at him with a smirk.

“I think I'm non-binary,” they whispered as they looked at their dad. Spencer smiled before wrapping his arms around his child’s shoulders. The child smiled before melting into Spencer’s body.

“I’m happy for you, Peanut. And I’m proud that you were able to figure it out,” Spencer whispered as he embraced his child harder. The child sighed deeply and nodded.

“Thank you, Dad.” “Of course. I love you, you know that?”

“Yeah, I know,” the child whispered and nodded. “I love you too.” {***}{***}{***}

“Drinks anyone?” Luke asked as everyone stepped off the elevator. The team simultaneously let out a sigh of relief at the offer. The case they had just finished was a rough one, and drinks seemed like a good way to unwind, for some. For other’s, they’d rather be at home with their spouses and families.

“I’m in for drinks,” Emily was the first to speak as she lifted a hand. Jennifer followed up, joining Emily and Luke.

“Krystall made dinner and I’d much rather see her than have drinks with you suckers,” Rossi spoke as he gestured towards the team. Everyone looked at him with a raised brow as he parted from the group.

“Wait,” Spencer looked down at his watch when he realized what time it was. Thirty minutes till 3:00pm. If he left now, he’d be able to pick his child up from school. It’d been a rough week for him, so picking them up would make him feel better, and it’d be a nice surprise for his child. “I want to pick my robot up from school.” He looked back at the team as he started walking towards his desk.

“Robot?” Jennifer raised an eyebrow as she looked at her friend, “Spence, do you mean your daughter?”

“Yeah, like real, flesh and blood, human child?” Matt asked with confusion on his face.

“No, I mean… Yes, I have a real, flesh and blood, human child. But, no, I don’t have a daughter. I have a robot,” Spencer explained as he gathered his things into his bag.

“Do you maybe want to further explain?” Tara asked. Spencer sighed deeply as he looked at his friends. Everyone surrounded his desk, waiting for a response.

“My child said they identify as a robot. And they use they/them pronouns. I’m not sure what else you want me to say. I gotta go pick them up from school. I’m sure they’ll be excited to see me.” Spencer let out a deep sigh as he threw his bag strap over his shoulder. “See you guys tomorrow.” He smiled before taking off.

Spencer didn’t bother waiting for the onslaught of questions everyone had. They weren’t exactly his questions to answer, they were his child’s. So he just left, not wanting to keep his child waiting. They’d have to plan dinner with the team so his child could tell them their news.

taglist: @mggsprettygirl @muffin-cup @thebluetint @itsmyblogandillreblogifiwantto @misshale21 @spenciegoob

if you want to be a part of a taglst or have any comments about this one shot, let me know here

#shadow writes stuff #masterlist #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fan fic #criminal minds fan fic

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ironwoodprotectionsquad · 4 years ago

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(why-i-stopped-liking-rwby here lol)

Eyyyyy the Tournament AU stuff is back! :D

Branching off what that other person said, about graduate Hunters returning for the tournament, I imagine it might be fun of there were like, 'spectacle' matches between some of the student fights, where champions from across the years might return and get the chance to really go against each other, in ways that wouldn't have happened when either of them were in school (since they might not have been in similar years, and even if they were, they might not have ever faced each other in RNG fights - OR IF THEY WERE ON THE SAME TEAM BEFORE)

Like, the show never really established many former students outside Team STRQ and the Ace Ops, but just imagine if like, ten years in the future, if the war had never happened and if everyone had just been in school until they graduated

Imagine 27 year old Ruby Rose in a spectacle match, and RNG pitted her against Weiss lol, and it's the first time they've truly fought against each other (sparring for practice over the years doesn't count) and since they know each other so well they have to pull out ALL the stops in their efforts to win, and the match ends up being one of the most amazing and mind-melting match anyone in the stands has ever seen...

Until RNG pits 29 year old Pyrrha (secretly a maiden, not that she uses the powers lol) against nearing-fifty QROW, who's like "Ehhh? Who put my name in the damn roster?? I'm getting too old for this!!" But he's already walking out onto the field while Pyrrha (who, as a Maiden, has spent the past ten years working with him as part of the inner circle and - damn it she might be a bit of a protegee lol) just laughs a little like "Do you want me to go easy on you, then?" And Qrow's just like "Heh... Nah." And they basically like tear the arena to shreds before even getting a full scratch against each other, much to the delight of all spectators XD

And also, if Ruby and Qrow both won their matches, they might END UP FACING EACH OTHER AS FINALISTS which is a real treat too lol

(Heyyyy @why-i-stopped-liking-rwby !!!!!))

I was so happy to get that ask about the Vytal tournament! I love seeing people either going through old posts or just thinking about them and being excited about a specific element and wanting to talk about it or share ideas about it (hint hint nudge nudge to anyone reading this and thinking about old posts lolz) it’s just fun to reexplore old ideas since maybe their is new inspiration or ideas or whatever to make it more fun!

Ohh OHHH I LOVE THAT!!!! Spectacle fights between former students who couldn’t ever fight each other for whatever reason? FUCKING AWESOME!!! Can I take it a step even further and maybe have the headmasters face each other off on certain years as more of a playful rivalry thing? That would be pretty epic I think!

But back to the meat of the ask yea we don’t really see graduates in the show which is odd and odder at least to me still is the fact that we don’t see any teams really. Why is their this big emphasis on teams of 4 when it seems huntresses and hunters seem to normally operate alone after they graduate? Something to bring old teams back together for a fun tournament just seems like a great way to further flesh out the world and the schools and give them a deeper history then just the current students.

Oh gosh I love aus involving a world without a war they just sound really fun. Ohhh I love those pair offs that just sounds like some pretty epic fights!!!!!! Of course is it bad a part of me kind of would love a James vs Qrow fight? That just sounds like it would be pretty epic to see how they would fight against opponents that use such radically different weapon types and how they would deal. And idk I have it in my head if they fought it would be the first and only tie to ever happen as they simultaneously kill each other’s auras and they cannot figure out who depleted the others first.

That year regardless would probably a year of fights that go down for the ages ESPECIALLY as you said if Ruby had to fight Qrow for the championship. Everyone would be watching with baited breath because family in general just doesn’t fight each other for various reasons so their is extra tension from that but Qrow and Ruby are having the time of their lives. It’s also more exciting because scythes are a rare weapon and seri two scythe wielders facing off? It would be a spectacular fight to watch just from how rare said fight would be to see period and knowing how talented both fighters are? People would never forget such a fight. I think it would be fun if once again the fight turns into a tie and Qrow jokes it’s his semblance it won’t let him officially win a fight ever.

Oh OH I’m thinking of more fun pairings but like seeing a fight with Glynda verses anyone really would be pretty epic but Glynda vs Winter could be fun as both rely on their magic but not magic semblances pretty heavily so seeing them fighting would be a pretty flashy and exciting one to watch. Ohh I know you mentioned Pyrrha vs Qrow but what about Qrow vs Maria? He would be completely star struck by someone he looked up to as a fighter and desperate to impress but also wondering if he could or even SHOULD beat such a legend.

It would be cool if their was a day devoted to these graduate mash ups it would be an amazing opportunity for students to watch professionals fight in a relatively safe environment and really learn how they would fight out in the world instead of a classroom setting.

Oh hell what if students are given an opportunity to fight graduates and get some hands on experience and teaching on different fighting techniques???

Gosh this is giving me so many fun ideas to explore I love this so much!!!!

#vytal festival #vytal festival au #fuck I love this #rwde #only slightly #but still

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music-catalogue · 3 years ago

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An Introduction to 'Wet Leg'

My knowledge of Wet Leg began one night when I was on a video call with my best friend. We both have pretty busy lives, so in consequence, we don't get to hang out nearly as much as we'd like to. This is why we try to make the effort to video call once each week to spend hours catching up on the happenings in each other's lives. It kind of began in the 2021 lockdown and has continued on since then and we have been pretty consistent!

This night we had already been talking for a couple hours and I was scrolling through my Facebook feed on my new computer while listening to her speak. This is where I see the name 'Wet Leg' for the first time. It pops up in my feed multiple times within a short space and I was immediately captivated and intrigued by the name - mostly because the name means absolutely nothing and does not infer anything at all about what the music would sound like. This is something I find really exciting!! I share this finding with my friend and I instantly jump onto Spotify to listen to what was their most streamed song at the time, 'Chaise Longue'. We were in hysterics after hearing the opening verse. "I went to school and I got the big D"??? Genius.

Despite adoring the music I was listening to, I did not do any further investigation on Wet Leg for another couple of months, until my sister plays "Chaise Longue" and Harry Styles' cover of "Wet Dream" on what my family calls 'YouTube Night' - where we each go around and play a music video of our own choice and enjoy each other's music (and company). Needless to say, I was hooked and I added 'Wet Dream' and 'Chaise Longue' to my driving playlist, which is essentially my current rotation playlist at this point, to be honest.

Tonight, I decided that it was finally time that I deep dive into Wet Leg's small discography by listening to their self-titled debut album. I must say, what a great debut record! I find it simultaneously gives the energy of a breath of fresh air and also a throwback. It is really cheeky and clever and it seems very simple on the surface, but I find it really interesting. The singles are perhaps a little misleading to the rest of the album content, as they were more upbeat compared to the album cuts, however, they still did not disappoint!

Some of the tracks that have really stood out to me upon first listen were Wet Dream, Chaise Longue, Ur Mum, Being In Love, Convincing, and Too Late Now. I find the lyrical content so clever and fucking genius. The play on words, the vocal delivery, the use of humour... SO well done.

Upon watching all of Wet Leg's accompanying music videos for this album, it is clear they have established a distinct aesthetic which complements their music incredibly well. It is incredibly fun, humourous, fairly non-sensical, and such a joy to watch. Their visuals feel very homemade and D.I.Y, which I actually really enjoy! It goes to show that they don't take themselves too seriously and shows off what a fun bunch they are.

I look forward to seeing Wet Leg in their future musical endeavours! I will definitely be keeping an ear out for new content from them. They got me! I'm sold. Wet Leg are just fantastic. Give Wet Leg's debut self-titled album a listen now!

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fortheloveoffanfic · 4 years ago

Text

Behind Closed Doors

Keanu Reeves x OFC (Emma Mathers) A/n- Just a random AU I wrote way back when.

Summary- An AU where the Emma (OFC), is hired to take care of the Keanu Reeves' kids; twins Mathew and Poppy Reeves. Tension between a boss and his young employee rise, but nothing good is ever easy.

Masterlist (very incomplete by adding it here nontheless)

Warnings- Brief NSFW/SMUT mentions

Prologue

His hands, surprisingly rough, slid the length of her body, starting at the curve of her ass, all the way up to the supple contour of her breasts. Lips peppered hot, wet, open mouthed kisses to her chest, Keanu's rough scruff bruising her silken skin, "You taste so good," he mumbled, almost too taken by her to speak.

Emma's only response was a breathy moan as her head lolled back, her long dark hair brushing the center of her back. When Keanu's hands inched forward, his thumbs pressing into her pebbled nipples, the sounds leaving her plump lips grew louder and she ground on him encouragingly. "What do you want sweetheart?" His low, gruff voice, the one she'd grown used to hearing for months, though in a far different capacity, filled her ears. Drunk on him, Emma clumsily felt around his chest, eventually digging her nails into his shoulders.

She knew what she wanted, Emma, for as long as she'd known herself, always knew what she wanted. That very evening, straddling his lap, feeling his girth pressed against her longing heat, both their bodies begging for what had been months in the making, Emma still knew what she wanted. It was the same thing she'd wanted as she'd grown to know Keanu. But the only question was, how'd she even get there?

7 months earlier

"And you can start tonight?" His dark, whiskey eyes were practically pleading with her, and it was the first time that Emma considered that someone of Keanu's stature could be desperate. They were at his office at Arch, a sleek glass table separating them, and in his hand, he held a manila folder containing every piece of information she'd given him about herself, and probably what he'd had his people dig up too.

Emma hadn't expected to just be thrust into the job when she applied for it. Hell, she wasn't even expecting to get it, things hadn't been going her way lately anyway. If they were, she wouldn't even be sitting in Keanu's office, discussing the job she'd heard of from the friend of a friend's friend. But alas, she needed the money. In fact, she was desperate for it, and coincidentally, Keanu was in dire need of a nanny. "I……" Hesitating, Emma thought back on all the warnings her mother had given her about jobs like that; it starts with the kids and next thing you know you're cleaning the toilets. But still, what other choice did she have; thanks to her flaky roommate, she was out of an apartment, the job that she'd worked her ass off to get had miraculously gone to someone who was far more connected than she was, and student loans weren't going to pay themselves.

"Yeah," finally, Emma nodded stiffly, "I can start tonight." When that seemed to sudden, she added, "Are you sure you don't want……like a trial period, you know where I get to know them a bit, see if they like me? See if you like me?"

"Honestly," Keanu chuckled, closing the folder and standing from his desk, "I'd be surprised if you make it through the night. Poppy and Matt haven't been able to keep a nanny for longer than a couple weeks."

Well that wasn't alarming at all. Not. Trying to laugh it off the way he did, Emma followed his lead and stood too, collecting her jacket and draping it over her elbow, proceeding to follow Keanu out. "I'm sure they're perfectly sweet," she smiled tightly and though he couldn't see it, considering she was a couple paces behind as they made their way through the desolate shop, fear lingered in her hazel orbs.

"Oh! Don't get me wrong," Keanu carried on, holding the front door open for her as they left the building, "They're great kids," she could hear the pride in his tone as Keanu spoke of his twins, "Fun, adventurous, adorable. But they aren't too keen on new people, especially if they think that someone's just gonna pack up and leave one day."

Noting the drop in his tone, a clear indicator that he didn't want to press the issue much further, Emma frowned, remembering everything she'd pieced together on the internet. It wasn't much, considering how private he was, but what she could gather was that his girlfriend had split a year after they'd had the twins, leaving him to raise them on his own. It wasn't much, and Emma was positive that there was more than what was out in the open, but as she got into the passenger seat of Keanu's car, she could easily tell that he didn't want to get into it. So instead, she just buckled up and listened to him shift the conversation back to his five year olds, listing some of the things that he wanted her to know before meeting them.

"Daddy!" A pair of giddy, little voices, jumping with excitement, grew louder as the sound of light feet pattering on porcelain drew nearer. In an instant, two dark haired children came bounding towards Keanu, who was already crouched with open arms.

"We missed you," the girl, Poppy said, hanging onto her father's neck, planting a kiss on his bearded cheek.

"Yeah," Matt was the one to pull away first, though, it was to eye Emma suspiciously. "Who's that?"

At that, Keanu stood, lifting Poppy up into his arms when she refused to let go, and ruffling Matt's hair when he clung to Keanu's jean clad leg, "Pop, Matty, this is Emma Mathers, if things go well, she's going to be your new nanny."

Groaning, Matt hung his little head, slumping his shoulders, and simultaneously, Poppy's grip on her father grew tighter, she was clearly the more reserved of the two. "Another one?" Matt, who wasn't too smitten with the idea, solemnly looked up at Keanu, and Emma smiled faintly realizing how much the boy looked like him, "Why can't you just take care of us?"

Sighing quietly, "You know I do my best bud," hugging him closer, Keanu continued, "But sometimes I need help." And even though Keanu would never admit out loud, he craved some semblance of a motherly figure for his children. Someone who could be around more often than his sisters and mother, someone who could care for them the way they deserved when he couldn't do it.

"But what about grandma? She helps," still reluctant, Matt didn't dare to look at Emma, probably hoping she'd just disappear if he willed it.

"You know I like it when grandma helps, but sometimes it's just not possible for her to be with us," Keanu worried on his lower lip, searching for an argument that would convince his son, hesitantly looking to Emma so she'd give it a go.

Taking a deep breath, hoping it would miraculously chase her nerves away, Emma stepped forward, the heels of her thigh highs filling the silence, "Hey Matt," she sank down in front of him, "I'm Emma," and when nothing but dead silence only interrupted by shuffling feet followed, Emma continued with yet another nervous breath, "You know, I used to like it when my grandma babysat too. She'd make me all kinds of fun snacks. Does your grandma make you snacks too?" Tugging at the hem of his t shirt, Matt surprisingly nodded yes, still avoiding her gaze, "Really? That's awesome, what's your favorite?"

His voice was soft, his head remained down cast as he picked at the hem of his pale blue t-shirt, and he definitely had no intention of speaking more than he had to, "Chocolate chip cookies."

"No way!" Emma smiled brightly, hoping it would encourage Matt to do the same, "I love chocolate chip cookies, and it just so happens that I have a recipe for 'em, they turn out great every time."

"Really?" A glimmer of a smile twisted his lips, and out of the corner of her eye, Emma could see Keanu's hopeful look too.

"You know bud," he intervened, "If we let Emma stay, and you ask nicely, I'm sure she'd bake you some one day."

"Would you?" His dark eyes widened in disbelief and his expression wasn't one anyone could readily deny.

"I would love too," Emma giggled, glad that she'd won over one of the kids. Next, was Poppy, though, when she stood, trying to get a look at the girl's face so she could say hi, the child immediately buried her head in Keanu's neck. "Hey Poppy," Emma went on anyway, "I know that it's a little scary having someone new around but I promise that I just wanna be friends."

When, after a minute, Poppy didn't respond, Keanu offered Emma a faint smile, mouthing, "She's a little shy." They exchanged tight smiles once again, before Keanu craned his head to look at his daughter, "Pop, don't you want to say hi to Emma? She's really nice, and I'm positive you'll like her," when she shook her brunette head in an unspoken no, he coaxed, "Come on sweetheart, Matty likes her," and with the slightest redness in his face, he admitted, "And I do too."

Maybe it was the way he looked at her, or maybe it was the little school girl crush she'd developed through seeing him on television sometimes, but when Keanu said it, heat rushed to Emma's cheeks, all the way up to the tips of her ears and she could feel butterflies fluttering in the pit of her stomach. When Emma lifted her gaze again their eyes locked unexpectedly when for a second and just before Keanu turned his head away, she couldn't quite decipher his expression. Though, even after the moment had passed, the awkwardness in the air lingered, and Emma felt compelled to fill the silence, "It's okay," her forced smile faltered, "Poppy and I have a lot of time to get to know each other, "Right?" Searching for confirmation as she held her breath, she once again looked to Keanu.

"Yeah," he agreed, looking immensely relieved, "Yeah, lots of time."

******

Tagging- @harrisongslimited @magnificentclodpiebanana @keandrews @greenmanalishi @rdjloverxxx @danceoftwowolves @planetkt @wheretheriversrunintothesea

#keanu reeves #keanu reeves x reader #keanu reeves x ofc #ff #keanu reeves fanfic #fanfic #nanny au #john wick #keanu reeves au

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