#scout is still kind of guilty about maybe sort of causing Spy to be emotionally constipated

[talk-to-the-mercs]

is big chungus funny?

Scout: That’s sorta like askin’ if an apple is funny. Not by itself, no, but if I, like, throw it at Spy? Hilarious.

Spy: [sneering] I would use it to make you into a fritter.

Scout: Try me, cyclops!

Spy: ...

Scout: Oh god...um...sorry, I call Demo that...and...y’know, he’s got an eyepatch an’ all.

Spy: Of course.

Scout: Nah, nah, Spy I...I think it looks great on you! Ya look all...scary and stuff. Like a supervillain!

Spy: ...don’t patronize me.

Scout: Seriously! Look, have you ever seen a guy in an eyepatch that wasn’t all...all suave and junk? And pirates! They’re creepy, right? You can strike fear into your enemies, yea? C’mon gimme a smug, evil smirk! Like you just killed a B.L.U Scout! There we go! Yeah, that’s it! See, with a look like that, you could anybody crap their pants!

Spy: I could make you soil yourself. But...I suppose with those B.L.U mongrels, it is enough.

Scout: That’s the spirit...sorta...

[END OF TRANSMISSION]

@mattprower

[phoenixfire-thewizardgoddess]

TF2 Headcanon - Demo/Spy & Sniper/Scout

Requested by @camiluna27, re: an ask they got about Demo being handsome and the best kisser, bc I was too lazy to make a fic. Written in Chat, so continuity’s a crapshoot.

-Title: Constellation Consternation-

[Alternate title I was too busy laughing at to use: Speaking in Tongues] . . . .

The basic headcanon is that Spy KNOWS he's amazing, but maybe certain teammembers have all mentioned that Demo is The Best at kissing, and a handful of other things (and he's most concerned about Scout knowing that, bu the runner is really just yanking his chain and parroting what Sniper told him about the explosives expert).

Fed-up, Spy goes to confront the guy over this whole seducing his son and the rest of the team, nonsense. Openly outraged at such impropriety in their ranks. Demo listens, nodding along to each complaint and french curse with a deadpan expression, trying not to smile at the idea he'd stolen poor little Scout's innocence and Spy was (in the most roundabout way possible) trying to defend his son's honour.

But really, he knew what this was about.

When Spy finally stops talking, he tilts his head, grins and says, "So ye're jealous I hadnae gotten around to ye faster, is that it?"

And Spy reels for a moment before stuttering out something most likely blistering in French, and glaring.

"I'll take that as a yes, then, laddie?" Demo leans back in his chair a long moment, sincerely trying not to laugh at the whole scenario, then stands up. "Well, you know ye could have just asked, right?"

"I would never degrade myself to do such a thing," Spy snarls back, suddenly questioning why he even came.

"The asking, the kissing, or the fact you're seething with jealousy that I got to ye last, Spook?" Demo responds, backing the other into a verbal corner.

Spy's expression hardens as he tries to find a verbal retort; though the temptation to flip  the bird at the Scot and cloak was incredibly tempting. The worst part was he got the impression that the man was right... and that would sincerely mean he'd lost control of himself and his sanity.

He was the one who did the seducing, had people unconsciously adoring him, wondering what it would be like if he was to-... and he'd leave it open to interpretation. It was also a challenge, and he disliked someone claiming to be more skillful than himself.

Indeed, there may be some other personal motivations, but still... Spy must be the best. Ironically, he was the one who nearly jumped out of his skin when Demo suddenly appeared closer than before, placing a hand to his shoulder. Spy must have gotten lost in thought, been quiet for far too long for the other to think of invading his personal space so significantly.

"I know I'm a lot to take in, lad, but do ye want a drink to help you get over the shock of wanting tae kiss a Scotsman?" Demo offers, half-jesting, but still holding a bottle of Scrumpy in his free hand.

Spy actually snaps out of his pensive stupor to laugh at that; unfortunately, it just so happened to be the ugly laugh he tried to bury all those years, much to his horror. "Oh, mon amie, I do not think that will be necessary... but the offer is appreciated." he finally says, switching on the suave tone he usually uses, as if that will erase all the deplorable lack of decorum from before(um).

"Alright then lad..." Demo beams, sliding the hand on Spy's shoulder up to caress the man's masked cheek. "How about we skip right to the fun part and compare abilities, aye?"

Spy's lips quirked up in amusement, before snaking a hand around to the other man's nape, guiding them closer together. "Oh oui, I can give you a few pointers..."

- - -

Sniper, on the other hand, had not exactly been lying about how great Demo just so happened to be at kissing, and quite a few other things. Which had a tendency to put his boyfriend on edge, seeing as Scout wasn't going to admit it, but he was pretty insecure about a lot of things and therefore was twice as loud and flashy to cover over it.

When the mercs had originally banded together, it'd downright pissed Sniper off; not to even mention the others, who were less laid back, overall. But it didn't take the world's most skilled psychologist to work out the reason.

To be fair, Sniper had definitely messed around with a few of the others over the years... but Scout had been hung up on Miss Pauling, so he'd seemed off limits for casual fun. Not to mention, like the other mercs, they saw Scout as kind of this brash, bignoting brat when he arrived... and even daring to glance at physique made them feel old, mortal and vaguely guilty.

Perhaps it was the fact he came off as emotionally immature, a child at heart... and 'at behaviour' if that was a thing. Medic had clearly tried to make it so, in his documentation of the matter.

But since he'd settled into the team, the  kid had... dunno, grown up a little? Sniper couldn't think of a more delicate way to say it, really. Didn't change who Scout was at heart, 'cause he was this great big ball of energy and enthusiasm and sometimes bad ideas like whether he could do a backflip off the base roof and land safely (he couldn't), but he did have a slightly more mature outlook on things. It was in the way he thought before he spoke, unless riled up; how he tended to act more strategically than before, worked with the team instead of racing ahead and dying a thousand times to get to the intel or capture a point.

Sniper could appreciate the change, and so did many of the others. However, Sniper was the one that Scout attached to most strongly from day one for some reason... and that'd been fine.

At first he'd been under the assumption that the kid either needed a quiet person to vent to, or just some sort of pseudo father figure... But then he realised that Engie was clearly playing 'Pa' with the kid (and Pyro), and if the runner wanted to speak to someone who wouldn't respond, he could have talked with any of the others. Sniper was the one person who actively listened when Scout talked, and responded; the others were... well, busy, and often commented they did not have time.

But the longer you work with someone, especially as closely as RED did, the more you knew them. Their eccentricities and insecurities; strengths and flaws.

Scout was personally offended that Sniper had vegemite on his toast of a morning; specially shipped in by Mann Co. as an 'essential supply' for the aussie. And Sniper was often infuriated to find Scout had left stuff all over the base, in a subconscious effort to remind them all he still existed.

But all that downtime moved them from teammates to friends, to... whatever this was. Not quite lovers yet, there were a few hangups. Mostly Scout over-analyzing the whole thing and wondering if he'd ever liked Miss Pauling at all, or he'd led her on...

Sniper had made Spy explain the very concept of bisexual to the stressed out runner, so he'd stop agonising over the whole 'attraction to both' thing. To be fair, he's pretty sure the topic had just never come up in Boston... after all, the runner's third-eldest sibling had a boyfriend, and the family was totally fine with it. He was tying himself in knots for no reason.

But then, Sniper could relate. He used to overthink things to the point of near paralysis, when he was younger; sometimes even now, if he was too stressed out or they'd had a really bad match. The rest of the team would just designate someone to go out and stargaze with him, until it wore off; usually Scout, but Demo did it frequently too.

Because that was how his Mum had managed to snap him out of it. They'd go outside, stare up at the stars, and she'd point out constellations and celestial stories until all the constricting thoughts just ebbed away.

And after the first few times on base, it just became normal practice for a stressed-out merc to come out to the Camper at night, say nothing, and have Sniper usher them to the roof ladder. He'd tell them stories, point out constellations, even ones they'd done a thousand times before... because it was soothing. The main issue was getting everyone off the roof, when (usually the stressed out party) conked out from emotional exhaustion.

Sniper now had a box up there, bolted on so it didn't fall off whilst driving, full of blankets an stuff. Made the whole thing a little less stressful.

Just had to get up before morning, though, or you got a wicked sunburn. Engie was working on some sort of automatic sunshade rig to shield any late-night worriers when the sun rose; but it was still in progress for now.

Still, it was his favourite thing to do with the runner. Especially when it was just the two of them there because they wanted to be... no stress between them. It felt... right, had for a long time.

The insecurities were a hang-up though. Sniper had realised things had changed when Scout slowly, painfully slowly, took his hand, a few months back while staring up at the stars. Could feel how tense the runner was, like he was going to bolt if Sniper even breathed wrong. To be honest, it'd been a bit since someone had wanted to hold his hand, high school maybe?

Still, it was a thrill of unexpected warmth, intimacy. And he slowly, just as painfully slowly, gave the bandaged hand a reassuring squeeze; hearing the runner exhale in relief and just about deflate beside him. They'd woken up leaning against one another, and sunburnt as a crisp; Medic had found it HILARIOUS as he treated them.

Sniper never should have brought up the Demo thing. He'd only been joking with the others about it, one night when everyone was a bit drunk, a bit less guarded about the things they said.

He thinks that was the night Demo finally managed to seduce the stoically insular Heavy/Medic duo... but he can never be sure. Not that switching it up between the mercs was inherently wrong, or even seen as promiscuous... they'd been here years, relationships formed and fell apart 'secretly', and flings happened. The only real issue was if someone from BLU was making eyes at a RED; and vice versa. That had to be dealt with before the Admin found out. But as far as they knew a few people had gone out of their way to subvert the no-interaction clause in their contracts... just because they could, and also... predominantly because it was thrilling.

Sniper was incredibly aware of what the Scouts had done, and he's pretty sure the other Sniper was too. Scopes, and all. But was the battlefield really a good place for that sort of thing? Scout still hadn't admitted making out with the other runner, and neither had the BLU to his team. Sniper really wanted to ask why, but he's pretty sure it's the same reason he saw Spy seducing the BLU Sniper in July last year at Vanguard...

...because they could.

What else was there to do around here... but each other? That is to say, breaking rules was fun.

But even with all that daring action out there, most agreed that Demo was the best at what he did. And he's pretty sure Scout was developing as much of a complex about it as his father...

Sniper really should have checked if the runner was there before joking about it with Engie. Now he couldn't even get the lanky bloke to hold hands, it was pretty frustrating.

He'd told Demo, on a night when the explosives expert had come to visit him at the camper to stargaze, with an obscene amount of booze; the logic behind it being there were twice as many constellations if you were drunk enough. The Scot had laughed, thought about it, and asked if he should try to woo 'the loud lad' to fix it. Even though it was in jest, Sniper had gotten defensive over it, and turned it down.

"I was kidding lad..." Demo had reassured. "For one, I think maybe Spy has taken a fancy to me but he dinnae know it yet, and it'd be weird to mention I'd Frenched his son... or, well, half-Frenched, his mother's American, aye?"

Sniper burst out laughing at the statement, and Demo took the opportunity to sneak away the fourth bottle of beer, deeming the Aussie a tad too drunk to climb down from the roof safely as it stood.

"What I meant was... if you and the others are always talking up my abilities, to other blokes who have a lot of experience with other lasses and lads and a few inbetween... then how would it make ye feel if you had none of it?" Demo questioned, sobering the conversation for a bit. He grinned, "Oh aye, I know about the Scout Class' attempt at snogging on the battlefield the other day, caught 'em by accident as I jumped past. But that isnae more or less experience than high school fumbling about when ye think your parents aren't watching. And to have to follow someone like me, well, I don't think he's comfortable with the idea... not yet, at least."

"Huh..." was all Sniper managed, suddenly realising a few things. He scratches the stubble on his chin, pensive. "So what should I do about it?"

"Oh that's easy... just tell the lad everyone's a bit shithouse when they first start out, and it's like those video games he likes... you've gotta learn how through experience to, uh, level up." Demo grins, nudging Sniper with his elbow in camaraderie, before immediately grabbing the sharpshooter so he wouldn't topple over from the impetus. No sense of balance when he's drunk, Sniper.

"Thanks mate."

"Aye, no problem. Now, did I tell you about what I managed to do to that bloody BLU Spy today? Well, everytime  Engie left spawn the bastard would..."

The tale echoed out into the night as the two men exchanged light-hearted stories of the more hilarious murders and deaths they'd experienced during that day's battle.

-

Of course it was on top of the van, when it happened. Most things of importance tended to happen there...

After a long fortnight of no contact whatsoever, Scout was suddenly on his roof, snuggled in a blanket and staring up. Sniper saw it was his chance to talk things over with him, and climbed up slowly. Remaining in sight the entire trip.

"Hey..." Scout mumbles, not looking at him.

"G'day," Sniper returns, he doesn't like saying it much because it's a stereotype, but Scout always seemed to like it. "Nice night. Mind if I sit?"

"S'your van, Snipes..." Scout's still distant, mentally if not physically, Sniper realises.

He sits beside the runner.

"Look, you might know a few of the other guys... have spent time together in the last few years. Not all of them were flings, but they weren't long enough for any of us to start getting anniversary gifts over. And yeah, I might have had a thing with Demo a few times... and some of the others... but it doesn't mean I have any expectations from you."

Scout's eyes widened, and Sniper realised he needed to rephrase that statement.

"Calm down, bilby, I mean... everyone's different. Some people have a lot of experience in some areas, and others don't... but everyone starts off at zero, right? I mean, were you born playing baseball? Nah, you learned how, and you got better. Probably fucked up a few times, hit the ball the wrong way, fell on your arse, knocked over the wickets, got distracted running towards the goal before you could get a touchpoint-... what?" Sniper pauses.

Scout's laughing pretty hard. "Y-you don't know how baseball wo-works do ya, Snipes?" He's just about in tears at this point, pink-cheeked and gasping for air between gales of laughter. He's never looked more adorable.

Sniper lets out a slight huff of amusement. "I know how to Sports, Scout. There's a ball, and running, sometimes sticks and you score a touchpoint if you get the wicket in the goal or something..." he says, getting it more wrong with every word just to see Scout continue laughing like that. Carefree and relaxed.

"Oh my god, I can't-... Snipes... oh my god... I am teaching you baseball next time we get a weekend free... 'touchpoint'." Scout was in hysterics, leaning against Sniper as he tried to catch his breath. Every now and again he'd wheeze 'touchpoint' to himself, and start laughing all over again.

It took a while for the runner to calm down. He wipes his eyes on bandaged hands, an errant wheezy giggle escaping now and then, but finally relaxes against Sniper. Who can't resist any longer and pecks him on the forehead. To which, the runner squirms and complains like a little kid.

"Aw man, Sniiiiiiiiiiipes, Ma used to do that in front of all my freakin' friends... you have no idea how much I never heard the end of it..." Scout whines, turning to look at the Aussie. The bandaged hand closest grabs hold of Sniper's own, and the grip is rock-solid, like the smiling runner is making a decision.

"I uh, I ain't as good as Demo... probably shit at it really, but would you mind if we, uh... fuck, I had a whole thing for this but now all I can think about it 'touchpoint'..." Scout nearly chokes suppressing a laugh at the word again.

He really was pretty fucking adorable when he was like this, Sniper grinned. "You don't need to ask, Scout, it's fine... 'course we can." He assures, and moves in closer, watching for any signs that they were about to have a loony-tunes moment... where he'd lean in to give the runner a kiss and find nothing but a Scout-shaped cloud of smoke. Wouldn't past the speedy merc.

But no, Scout's still there when their lips meets. He seems to have some idea how it all works, which is a surprise, but Sniper tries to lead things in a direction that will circumvent clashing teeth.  A hazard of excited teenage make-outs...

It was pretty good, all things considered, and he could see that realisation dawning all over Scout's face. Slightly flushed, a little chocked, and grinning as they pulled away.

"See? You're pretty good at it... just need a bit more practice and you'll be right as rain." Sniper says, putting an arm around the runner's shoulders and delighting in the way Scout leaned back against him.

There was a lengthy silence, which was starting to concern the sharpshooter, before Scout spoke up.

"...I dunno, Snipes, it wasn't that great..." he pauses, just long enough for Sniper to become slightly alarmed and a tiny bit offended, before continuing. "Think we might need a loooot of practice..."

The aussie sharpshooter chuckles, kisses the smartass on the forehead just to watch him squirm away laughing, and says, "Much as you want, mate."

-

Spy left Demo's room the next morning, striving desperately for immaculate attire despite the evidence of rumpling. He straightened his tie as Engineer and Medic came around the corner, talking animatedly, only to pause and look at the espionage agent with expressions of incredulity.

They looked at him, his attire, the class symbol on the door behind him, and then back to Spy, with growing grins of amusement.

Spy snorts derisively. "If you think I look  sufficiently dishevelled, you should see the other guy..." and walks off, not even bothering to cloak. Pleased to have won, if not the kissing segment of their little game, then the other various challenges instead.

-

When the pair finally do come face-to-face with one another again, that day, everyone in the room is suddenly Very Busy and Definitely Not Listening.

"Lad, ye've one-upped me in some areas and that was a surprise... but I'm pretty sure I still hold the title for best kisser on base..." Demo announces, grinning.

Spy closes the book he had been reading, carefully placing it down on the sofa before standing up to look Demo right in the eye. "Oh, you still cling to that notion, do you?"

"I won, ask any of the others, I'm good at what I do, Spook..." goads the explosives expert, making a sweeping gesture at the few other mercs gathered in the common room.

"Truly?" Spy says, appearance utterly nonchalant. And then the man smiles almost predatorially, and Demo knows he has him.

"Round Two, then?" Demo queries.

"Oui... but let us have dinner together first, like civilised people." Spy responds, heading for the kitchen.

It takes the other man a moment to catch up, and it hits him like a lightning bolt. The last the other mercs saw of Demo that night was the man racing out of the room, after Spy, yelling, "Did ye just ask me on a date, Spook?"

To which the answer was a slightly distance-muffled "Oui."

- - -

The End

- - -

Random Extra:

When Scout and Sniper finally came inside half an hour later, no one would look them directly in the eye or explain where the missing mercs were.

Sniper elbows the runner in the side genially. "Look at it on the bright side, bilby... you might end up with two dads outta this."

It took Scout an hour to stop screaming.