#she's just like. Other People need to rest and have fun because they won't function without it. but Not Me. i Don't Need That.

[the-one-and-only-overlass]

worst yet very accurate way to describe my favorite oc: like if patrick bateman was a teenage communist with no sense of self-preservation

[glitter-stained]

Oh I see you also wanted to see Jason abusing benzos after Gotham War. Good taste etc.

Anyway, I've given some thought about how that could end up happening, and... Well, for starters, I think this:

Should have consequences!

Maybe Jason takes more time to push through the fear and rescue the girl, and she ends up in the hospital, or maybe she dies (I'm always advocating for them both to die here, but in this situation, I thinking - she inhales a lot of smoke, has to go to the hospital, stays there in critical condition).

Anyway, Jason wouldn't have started abusing benzos just because of himself, but if affects his vigilantism? If it put other people at risk? Yeah, then he's gonna do it.

Alternatively, maybe he even tries to step back from vigilantism, because his condition is putting more people in risk than he not being there at all, and then ends up in the emergency as a civilian and there he is given alprazolam/diazepam/some other benzodiazepine and it works (somewhat? I won't try to understand how comic book logic for body modifications would interact with real world drugs). So afterwards Jason is like... "Hmmmmm this could make me functional again 👍 interesting" and there you go, that's the beginning of his descent into benzos abuse :/

I was about to say "Jason needs to abuse benzos because with the vicious circle of adrenaline/panic attacks he will die" but then I realised this man has the survival instinct of a lemming so your theory is much better, I do think he would take them to be able to continue vigilantism.

I don't want the little girl to die, not because I don't think you're right, but because it makes me too sad. With that being said, I've been considering some things:

-Jason died (his first death) of smoke inhalation

-PTSD is associated with memory issues regarding the event (not an erasure of the moment so much as distorsions, issues with memories, details remembered wrong or incoherently...) Add to that the fear failsafe and the fact that on top of being a traumatic event, this scene could be triggering to him, and Jason does dissociate sometimes (which in extreme case can be linked to "memory" issues when you're not aware of what's happening, ie because you're trapped in a flashback).

-with the rest of the Gotham War storyline happening, Jason had no opportunity to follow-up and take her to the hospital

Put all of that together in the shaker, and you have the perfect cocktail for a Jason overwhelmed by doubt because he can't remember whether the little girl survived.

And then

AND THEN that's where it gets interesting, because the fun thing about benzos is aside from all the other shitty side-effects those drugs, esp in high quantities, can cause temporary memory loss (kinda like when you get black-out drunk). So I'm picturing a Jason addicted to benzos, horrified at the idea of ending up like his mother but not even chemically capable of feeling afraid of it, always wondering if he failed to save that little girl, and with chunks of missing time... I like to think he'd dissociate more often too, as a reaction to the anxiety on top of that, so there's the horror of having his memory full of holes, feeling like he's living a half-life, not being sure of anything...

And, well. When you find a traumatized young man with such dangerous skills, memory issues, attachment issues and such evident vulnerability... There's a lot of things you can do with a man like that. A lot of things you can make them believe, make them feel, make them think.

[saarovar]

Hihi I have a question!! How would you rate the travelers’ ability to sing (both games :D) from worst to best?

Hiiiii!!!! :D This is going to be LONG. But I have thoughts again so I will answer it now! :D I'm going to group them within just rankings as well, kind of like tierlists but for... people like me who do not know how to make tierlists. (Oh and Crick is included because I like Crick don't mind me. :3) Here we go! (SEE REBLOGS FOR THE REST I LITERALLY BROKE TUMBLR'S CHARACTER LIMIT AND IT WON'T LET ME POST IN ONE THING)

TERRIBLE: #17: Cyrus Canonically, he cannot sing, referring to singing as "his weakness" in his banter with Olberic and Tressa. Maybe vocal lessons would help, but he'd need to find a teacher who knows what they're doing. He's the type who likes to learn EVERYTHING, so I can't imagine him just not caring and brushing it off. I think he just doesn't know how -- he can probably pick up on the relative pitch of all the notes, but can't translate what he's hearing into stuff to do with his own voice; he probably has NO idea where his range is and frequently tries to hit notes too high for him; he can do falsetto but can't really control it well; and he kind of just decides he's going to try to hit a high note now when THE SONG DOESN'T GO THAT WAY PROFESSOR. #16: Partitio Also kind of canonically. If I remember correctly he was kicked out of the tavern or something when he tried to imitate what Agnea does and sing to cheer people's spirits. I feel like he has NO concept of where the notes are other than "that high note is higher than that low note," so Cyrus actually has a better ear than him, but at least Partitio doesn't try to hit quite as many high notes. Partitio also doesn't really know how to do falsetto, and just sings louder to try to hit higher notes (which does not work as well as he thinks it does). #15: Ochette Well... she's great at howling... if that's what you're looking for. I think she thinks that "the louder you are, the better you must be at singing" and that is exactly how she functions. She doesn't know what she's doing at all, she's just having fun... much to everyone else's chagrin. The good news? She generally doesn't try singing unprompted. The bad news? She WILL join in if someone else is singing. The party often ends up with mysterious headaches coincidentally soon after a duet between Ochette and Partitio, which also happens more frequently than it has any right to. #14: Throne She's bad. She knows she's bad. She won't sing for anyone no matter how much Agnea tries to encourage her to join in when the party is entertaining themselves on the trail or during "karaoke night" (or whatever the hell they have in Octo-universe) in the tavern. She's completely tone-deaf AND she's anxious about performing, so if she were to try it would be a lot of trailing off and shaky words that are kiiiiiiind of close to the intended note if you squint. She can't go into falsetto at all... no one knows if she CAN'T or if she just ends up too quiet for it to work whenever she tries. Also she has managed to "harmonise" with Temenos in tritones before and has no idea if she's actually that bad or if he did that on purpose.

BAD: #13: Osvald Never tried to sing in his life. I don't know what happened to actually manage to get him to sing for this particular scenario, maybe he was mind-controlled or something, but when he sings it... doesn't hurt anyone's ears? But he's incredibly monotone, only drifting the tiniest bit above or below his default voice if he decides the note is higher or lower -- it's more monotonous than if he were just talking, honestly. He doesn't insert any emotion at all, and if there ever came a time when he "sang" emotionally it's because he overheard someone say something that sounded kind of like Harvey's name and he got distracted. He would never do a duet with anyone, and honestly no one wants to try singing with him (he'd throw them off so bad).

#12: Tressa She doesn't sing to be "good," she sings for the fun of it. Loudly. But at least she's kind of close to the notes she's trying to hit for the most part, though there are plenty of times when she'll try to go for a note WAY out of her range and fail spectacularly. She's another one who tries to sing louder to hit higher notes, though she probably COULD do falsetto with someone to teach her how, she just hasn't figured that out yet. She and Alfyn have a blast doing duets, and the rest of the party (sans Therion) doesn't mind her being off-key, they just are happy she's having a good time. #11: H'aanit She's another "I don't want to do it don't make me" anxious one. When she tries, she's bad at it, but it's more the "never tried to sing before" bad than anything else. She's closer to the actual notes than Throne would be, but her voice wavers a lot and she ends up drifting away from the intended notes even when she might initially hit them. She won't try hitting high notes, and she won't try falsetto. She gets more comfortable if someone sings with her though, and (if the other person is good) she might be able to match their notes on occasion.

MEDIOCRE: #10: Olberic He's not really comfortable singing in front of other people, and feels like he needs to practice a lot to get good at it. If he doesn't know a song well, he'll pick the parts he does know and sing those ones (kind of like when there's a song that comes on in the car that you kind of know so you sing along to the chorus), but mostly mumbles or is quiet through the rest of it. Or he might just sing the chorus and say that's the song, that also works. He does have that one song that he knows really well that he will sing if prompted (probably learned and sang with the other knights of Hornburg), but that's going to get old really fast... but the first couple times he did it were really good! #9: Castti She doesn't really sing, she just... doesn't have the time... yeah, that's it. Too busy going around treating all the headaches the rest of the party have accumulated from the last Ochette/Partitio song... because that is very, very important work, what if they get sicker if she doesn't treat them? Okay, okay, more seriously, she's just another person not comfortable with trying, because she worries she'll be bad at it. She definitely hasn't had any practice or anything, and that's obvious if she were to try by herself, but she actually CAN do falsetto and can control it pretty well, though she might not be exactly perfectly on tune all the time. She's able to follow what other people are doing if someone else sings with her, and actually sounds pretty good if she has Agnea or someone to guide her, but she can't pull off the same level of skill on her own... but the fact that she can do it with others means she might be able to eventually! #8: Primrose She dances, she doesn't sing. She knows she's not an expert at singing, too, and she doesn't try doing it in front of people because she thinks it will ruin the dance. She does practice her dancing while singing (or humming) the song she'll be dancing to though, and it sounds on-tune "enough" to her when she's doing it. But it's always really clear when comparing her singing with the actual song that she's a little off, and if she were to hum the song to others they'd never be able to tell what song it is. If she ever were to sing in front of people, it would be alongside her dancing, so there might be a lot of pauses in weird places because she's having trouble multitasking and finding where her next step is going to be at the same time as remembering what the next word is (she'd get better at that if she seriously practiced both singing and dancing for a show though). #7: Crick He might be good if he practiced and were more confident in himself, but as it is he can never seem to get a song right and it frustrates him. When singing to himself he's actually better than he thinks he is, and can hit almost every note without thinking. When singing in front of people though he freaks out -- his voice gets super wavery and he can't hit any of the notes right, when he tries to go into falsetto his voice cracks and doesn't work, and he keeps forgetting the words. He's "good" but with a missing ingredient (confidence)... or he's "good" if you subtract an ingredient (other knights and/or inquisitors watching him), but as it is now he's stuck in mediocre category.

#6: Alfyn He's... kind of good, kind of bad. It really depends on the song and how drunk he is at the time. He loves singing alongside the other party members, and he'll always be really encouraging to those that aren't as comfortable with it (without pressuring them too much), so a lot of times when he sings he's joining someone else, trying to heighten the mood, or starting something off for one of the more nervous people. He can do falsetto, but he doesn't know where his range is, and if something is too low or too high he WILL try to hit it anyway and sound bad, but he has managed to get some songs down perfectly if they're right in the perfect point of his range.

[softsky-daily]

8/20/2024

Today's skies were like nostalgic memories.

Positive thing: I had therapy, and had matcha after class.

Thank goodness for that too, because otherwise my day was absolutely miserable. I don't usually look forward to classes starting, but this time was especially rough. There's no malice intended with them but icebreakers are the bane of my existence, and having to tell everyone I don't have an internship site and feeling sensitive about it was not my idea of a fun time. The icebreaker from my other class was very convoluted for no reason (probably because my professor used ChatGPT to make it, ugh) and took forever to get through, and we didn't get a break until an hour later after she went over the syllabus.

I have one other class on Thursday, but at least that one isn't on the same day I have work so I can have more energy to get through it. And hopefully since it has more people we won't bother with a drawn-out icebreaker (I have a feeling we still might though).

The classes themselves so far seem... eh. I think it's the burnout again but I don't think there's a single class I can think of that I'd be excited to take. I just want to be done and over with it. Internship class is basically just supervision so that's whatever, although I'm not looking forward to being the odd one out and being internship-less. My Applied Career class seems like mostly busy work, but it only meets every other week and I'm going to be practicing career counseling outside of class hours. Despite everything I'd say that's the most interesting sounding thing so far, so hopefully it'll actually be something I can enjoy and not just endure.

I'm so tired. I couldn't comprehend my own classmates today who were saying they were good or excited or even anxious. I feel an exhaustion so deep in my soul I don't even know how to express it, only that it is viscerally isolating. I hate most of all how it chips away at my patience and my empathy. I have confidence in my ability to consciously choose to be kind, but that too makes me tired, and I don't know when I'll ever be able to get the rest I need. I was telling my therapist about it today and he encouraged me to be more open about all these feelings and trust that the right people will be supportive and help me through it. I admit I'm really bad at that, but I know he's right.

Tomorrow is work. I might not go in though. I was mentally spiraling all today and the last thing I can think of is trying to be a functional employee. I've missed a lot of days and I feel bad to miss another, so maybe I'll just go in late, but we'll see.

[megaman-r]

Hello! Welcome to my rather extended effort to make a classic-style-ish Mega Man game. My name's Nevi, my main is @afniel, and I'm here to be everyone's problem. I used to be tracking progress for this on Twitter, but we all know how that went, so now I'm here instead.

First, the top 3 questions I tend to get:

What is this?

A fan game, created in the NES style. Well. Eventually it will be. Making a game is not a quick or easy task.

What's it about?

When I was young, I always thought it was boring of Capcom to not give Roll her own game. I got older and I still think that, but I've also thought other things along the way, like, why do these games always raise such alarming existential questions and then completely forget they happened? How long would it take to learn a functional amount of music theory? Is it Metool, Mettaur, or Metall? Whatever they're called, why aren't there a lot more of these little guys in the games?

Basically, I'm giving Roll the game I always thought she deserved.

Can I play it?

Currently, there's really nothing to play. I've got the basic engine functioning quite well and a good chunk of the visual assets finished to a working degree, but refining everything, getting the gameplay as tight as it needs to be, and making sure nobody's AI breaks or sucks is a pretty big job.

That all said, my first real roadmap goal is to have a single-stage playable demo. While I don't have any notion of a release date for that, I am working steadily towards it, so please stay tuned!

The rest of the FAQ is long and maybe less interesting, so I'll stash it under a cut to save you a little scrolling.

The Game Itself

Is it going to be girly?

Probably not as girly as you're imagining, if you're asking that. After all, there's still explosions, boss fights, insta-death spikes, a ton of weapons to choose from, and quite a lot of shooting. Just because the main character is in a dress won't change the core feel of the game, nor will it be easier than other MM games.

Also, a thing being girly isn't bad anyway. It's just a style.

What makes this different from any other MM game/fangame?

Fair question! I'm going to be a little secretive about it though and just say 'choice.' It's a thing that the MM series isn't known for giving players, outside of what order you want to explode the robot masters. I think it could be more interesting than that.

That said, the mainline classic MM games don't have a whole lot to distinguish them from each other, and they're still fun and each one of them is someone's all-time fav game, so even if it just ends up being Another MM Game, that's still not a bad crowd to be in.

Are we fighting Dr. Wily? What's the plot?

:)

Some of that will come with the eventual demo release. The rest will be on full release. I don't want to spoil it up front, you know?

You will get to see some familiar faces for sure, I'll say that much.

Will this game be accessible?

I want it to be! I think games in general have a lot of work to do to become more accessible to disabled gamers, and as a disabled gamer, I want to try and do my due diligence in that.

It is playable on both keyboard (not comfortable) and controller (a lot more comfortable), and while the controls are fairly simple, there is already a fully-functional option to switch between classic MM style down+jump to slide, and MMX style dedicated single button slide.

Remapping buttons is somewhat beyond the scope of the engine I'm using, which is unfortunate, and all the more reason for me to learn something more flexible like Godot.

I'm trying to choose palettes for things that should be eyestrain-friendly. Flashing will be kept to a minimum in the default game mode, and I plan on having a sensory-friendly mode with no flashing whatsoever and certain other effects lessened/changed/removed. Of course, I can't guarantee that certain patterns won't affect sensitive people regardless, but I'm going to give it a good try.

Depending on how easy the game engine makes sensory-friendly mode, it may end up being a separate download version, but I hope not, that's just not as good.

Alternate difficulty modes are also something I want to do! I just haven't looked at implementation yet, but it should be pretty easy.

Game Development Stuff

What are you using to make MMR?

The engine itself is in Pixel Game Maker, which is kind of an underdog DIY game engine and if I'd really been thinking I'd probably have started it in Godot or something, but I'm already here and honestly, I like how it works, so I'm keeping it. The assets are entirely made in Aseprite, and the music is entirely Famitracker, with a little use of Audacity to make sure tracks loop properly and to get things into the right format.

Very few visual assets are taken from the games directly, mostly some enemies and most of the sound effects (because those are not something I want to try to recreate using only Famitracker—I only have so many hours in a day).

How NES-like are we talking, here?

I'm aiming for NES-like in the way that Sonic Mania aimed for Genesis/Master System-like: the style matches, the limitations are mostly observed, but certain limitations are disregarded when it would be extremely awesome to do so.

Some examples: I'm very fastidious about color palettes per tile and per minor enemy sprite; I'm less fastidious about color palettes onscreen at a time and color palettes per boss sprite. I'm not trying to replicate the sprites-per-scanline flicker. Number of frames per animation isn't something I'm really considering as long as it looks visually appropriate. I'm sticking with 2A03 music, except for where I mean business, and then I may whip out the VRC6 channels instead.

So no, this wouldn't run verbatim on an actual NES, even if you recoded it in 6503 Assembly, but you would be able to get quite close.

How did you learn to make pixel art?

Well, when I was a wee little neurodivergent child, one of my favorite hobbies was making tiles and characters in MS Paint and building big collages out of them. I made a lot of beehives, for some reason...

Then I became a medium-sized neurodivergent teenager, got really into RPG Maker 2000, and the sprites and tiles were not to my liking, so I started editing them and eventually making my own from scratch.

I'm now a fairly normal-sized neurodivergent adult, and making pictures out of little dots is still a lot of fun, especially with a harshly constrained palette. Doing NES-like graphics just kind of comes naturally after all that.

How did you learn to make music?

Honestly? I just began throwing myself at it. My first attempts were unabashedly bad. When things didn't make sense and I couldn't get them to sound right, which was all the time, I looked them up. Starting with general chord theory was what really made it begin to click. The first thing I composed and kept was the Lagoon Stage music, and not coincidentally it's been through the most refactors as well. Coming from an art background where I'm very used to the Ugly Painting Stage of any given piece has definitely helped with patience, too. The important thing is to just keep beating your head against it. It's frustrating, but you only learn to make music by making music.

Every track on the OST represents about two days of feverishly slamming notes together for four-six hours a day, preceded by one-four whole months of tapping and humming random things until one of them ignites something in my brain that goes, "Oh, I know how the rest of this should go!"

How did you learn to code?

Well, honestly, I didn't; PGM is a visual scripting engine, so everything pretty much looks like flowcharts, and the number of functions is kind of constrained. Every object in the game is a state machine, so that's pretty much the paradigm I understand. I could not code my way out of a paper sack in any actual language.

That being said, I do understand the core concepts of what programming is, and most of that I learned by watching Retro Game Mechanics Explained on YouTube until I suddenly understood what 6502 Assembly was all about and everything else just kind of made sense. I don't know either! It's a little weird. But it did work, so I can't complain.

Is this related to [Other Fan Project]?

Nope, it's not part of or related to any other fanworks. I'm a solo dev working on just this one project right now. (However, if you're making a classic or MMX-style game and need pixel art assets, I'm open to talk about that! Please note though that I do not work for free.)

Your robot master has the same name/concept as [Other Fan Character].

Sorry if that's the case! There are so many really stellar MM fan characters out there that a little name/concept-sharing is basically unavoidable. No infringement is intended, no profit will be made from this game, and I'm uninvolved enough with the general fandom at large that I can pretty confidently say I didn't even know about your character. Take it as a case of Great Minds Think Alike, if it happens.

Do you have anywhere else I can keep up with this?

I sure do! I've got a Discord specifically for it where I toss a lot of WIP sprites and such, and that's where eventual playtesting will happen too if you're into that sort of thing, and a Trello that I don't always remember to update, but it exists at least!

Mega Man R Secret Gamedev Clubhouse Discord

Trello Roadmap (when I remember to update it...)

What's the pixel art in your banner?

That was just me greebling at random for practice and funsies. The full image isn't used anywhere as-is, but I did end up using some parts of it in the tiles.

[moldonacorpse]

I think it's time to return to venting on this blog. It was made for this after all lol

I've been going through a lot. And I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore I don't want to get better it was easier when I was in a worse place. I wasn't aware of how bad I was doing, I just went from day to day unaware but now I notice every little detail and now I have to confront my abuser and I just don't want to this anymore.

I want to go back in time and just kill myself. It would've been so much easier. Yes, I would've missed out on a bunch of cool stuff but tbh idgaf anymore

I don't want to have a future because that's responcibility and expectations and I will fail anyway so why bother

And like. It's so bad I began to actually regress. Like, uncontrolably. Before I would do that because it made it easier to fall asleep but now I just be doing whatever and BAM I feel little. and it's fine I can still function and all and I can supress my regression and act more or less like I normally do but it's so tiring. I want to babble I want to cry I want to act silly and a whole more but I can't because there're other people around me and it will be weird and only make me feel worse

I'm listening to Sleep Aid ASMRs again and they're mostly voiced by older men because I have daddy issues. Ig. I have issues, period. It's emberassing for some reason but idgaf. If Aizawa telling me that I did good and wishing me a good night is what helps me fall asleep (after crying my eyes out) so be it

I'm severely touch starved. I haven't been properly hugged in so fucking long. My foster mom hugged me almost every day right before bedtime and it felt weird but nice and then she just stopped. That's cruel. Making me get used to regular physical touch only to take that away? Wow.

And no. I can't just ask her to hug me. I spend WEEKS mastering up courage to ask her about stuff, to ask her to hug me? that will take months. There's so much that goes into asking for a hug.

My bio mother and grandma are coming in a week. That won't be fun. That will actually be horrible. I've already agreed to how much I'm going to see my mother but now I'm having second thoughts. We agreed that I'll see her with the rest of the family present twice, then once during celebration of 17th of May and then one on one on Sunday. That's a lot. I might have to change that to only one time druing celebration. That's more than enough I think.

I've been horribly anxious for weeks now. I don't know what to do to help myself.

I'm loosing my sense of identity. Before I only struggled with the world around me not feeling real but now I myself don't feel real. I described the feeling to my therapist before. Y'know Inside Out? Well I feel like I'm the emotions, seeing out of my eyes from inside of my head and just controling my body (it feels very distant) But that felt okay-ish. Not nice but I managed. Now I feel like me the "host" of this body has left and there only "me" the one who control the physycal body. I'm just playing the role of me the "host"

The family therapist is shitty and I don't like her. she's weird and doesn't undestand me and she's just so fucking annoying twisting my words when I try to confront her. Also, when I reminded her that I use he/him pronouns she was like "oh I'm sorry I've never had a client like you" blah blah blah. BOO-HOO CRY ABOUT IT BITCH. She didn't even fucking try. I'm always "she" "lady" "young woman" "daughter" FUCK OFFFF

I can't write I can read I can't game I can't do shit. I just watch minecraft related videos and I have a feeling I won't be able to do that soon too

I finally started my C-PTSD therapy and I just straight up sobbed when we began the session. I was so relived. I haven't had any form of therapy for MONTHS. Only that shitty family therapy.

I want to yell and cry and hit myself and others and break stuff and run away and be abused because I need to let out my emotions but I have no idea how.

I wish I could beat up my mom. Til she's bleeding and begging me to stop. And I won't. I'll make a pause, make her feel relieved and then hit her twice as hard

I don't want to feel real. It's terrifying.

I don't want to start next school year. Nobody will like me. It will be the same as it was in highschool. I'll just be that weird and/or scary Ukrainian student that struggles to speak Norwegian.

Enough for today

[bookwyrminspiration]

also thoughts on janel's gender: obviously it is not perfect and sucks how so many people perceive her as a woman i wish there was more ease with the perception of her as a man who is female, BUT cool thing- although kihrin is still figuring it out i love how he has taken it in stride. like one of few perspectives where you get to hear them ACTUALLY muse about janel's gender a bit rather than everyone referring to her as daughter, wife, woman, Something To Protect. and shaking hands with u as another genderqueer person fr. the thing of gender in jorat seems so interesting to expand on though even with it's flaws i am chewing on it like one of those honey straws? like if anyone can be a mare or stallion then it is really more about the distribution of respect and the roles that people have in a culture, so it made a lot of sense for her to--obviously she kind of had to but--to accept her role as a woman with the marakori because of the matriarchal society, whereas with people who actually understand the weight of what she is she's much less lenient (also does she think teraeth knows?? is it the memory of her life as elana?? is it just the disrespect that bothers her??? obviously other things too he is more of a punching bag but where's the irritation Coming From). where do the geldings fit into all this? how do they function as a third gender? do they function as a third gender or is it just the catch-all in the way that nonbinary is? *holding up mic to random gelding character in the far background* and what is it like to be a gelding in jorat my good sir

This reminds me, the chorus of dragons wiki (which is not maintained or up to date, it stops like mid book 2 and was worked on by like one person) has Janel listed as a woman. I should do something about that. Maybe I should offer my services to the wiki, whatever that would entail

I have a mutual who reblogged one of the asks you sent me talking about Jorat's gender and how it would've been nice to see more of it (I swear they said something even though I can't find that rn, I'm certain they said something). We spend so much time outside of Jorat in the story without much contact with any Joratese (it's mainly Janel with some Dorna), so we don't get to see their beliefs in action as a community. Instead we see Janel having problems being properly viewed as a female man in the rest of the world, as people presume her a woman everywhere. Which is realistic to what she would encounter leaving her country and going places with very different beliefs, it just would've been fun to see more of Jorat and a widespread disconnect of gender and sex.

But I do appreciate Kihrin for actually taking the time to think about it. He doesn't brush her off, he's like wow that's very different from what I was taught and a lot to wrap my head around. it'll take some time to get used to, but I'll put in the time and be conscious of my perception of her even though I won't be perfect about it. Because shaking your hand as a genderqueer person, that's all I want! I don't need you to be perfect about it, I need you to put in the effort and just try. and he does!

Poor teraeth though, he would try if someone would just tell him what's going on. He just doesn't understand because you haven't TOLD him Janel. He's not treating you with the respect you believe you deserve because you haven't told him how your culture works and he wasn't raised in it! He doesn't know you see his actions as disrespectful he is instead trying very very hard to woo you and be nice. Shaking them all please communicate. Janel you understand some people don't understand you're not a woman, you spent four years living in Yor as a "woman"--did that grate and now your touchier about it now that you're out? Or is it just because this is Teraeth? A lot happened in these books I haven't reread them yet the specifics are eluding me, I can't recall what was said about it

Anyway, the geldings! Wish we could've met one, but alas, we weren't in Jorat for long enough and we don't have many Joratese characters. My understanding is it's a catch-all term? Though I am curious what identifies someone as a gelding, because it seems like people in Jorat can tell whether you're a mare or a stallion based on their perception of you and your actions. So are there gelding-specific actions, or are they a mix of mare and stallion actions? Holding a mic up to the entire country of Jorat

[redphlox]

some of y'all really think Horikoshi is just going to have Dabi burn to ashes in front of Shouto and Shouto is going to be like "oh ok I tried I guess"? That Shouto's dream of having dinner with his brother, aka bonding with his older siblings like he always wanted to when he was 5, won't come true? And the rest of the Todoroki fam is going to be okay losing Touya for the second time? Because they took it so well after the first time, right?

If Touya dies then what was the point of the "I wish you were here too Touya" sentiment that Endeavor had? All the build up of Natsuo constantly bringing Touya up? The fact that Touya's death has haunted the family and broke their hearts? The fact that Shouto can't consider himself a hero if he ignores his brother's pain, which is in direct contrast to how Endeavor, a hero before being a father, handled Touya?

Honestly. Where is the challenge in Touya dying? How is that fun to read? How is it satisfying to see the other hero kids succeed but have Shouto fail? How would that be fulfilling for Horikoshi to write considering how cheesy of a guy he is? I'm genuinely curious. And no, Touya dying doesn't fit the "it's for tragedy" argument. Horikoshi isn't that type of author. Bnha has some tragic plot lines but it's not an overall dark story like AOT.

It doesn't seem like Touya will live but that's the fun part of reading a story... seeing how the author does the impossible. I'm honestly flabbergasted at how many readers are screaming about Touya's skin falling off being an indicator of his death. Horikoshi isn't reading a medical textbook as he writes and draws this manga. There have already been so many other medical anomalies, miracles, mysteries, etc in the story for this to be a valid argument or basis for theories:

Shouto being burned would have resulted in severe eye injury, including blindness. He would possibly need surgeries as he grew up and his skin stretched, etc.

Deku breaking his fingers like he did during the sports festival would have required surgeries to fix tendons etc and months of therapy to regain strength, endurance, dexterity, etc.

Iida's brachial plexus injury during the Stain fight would have resulted in a permanently limp or paralyzed arm. If he was lucky maybe he would only lack muscle control in the arm, hand, or wrist.

Bakugo would not be up and walking after being impaled during the war arc. There are nerves and important af arteries in the shoulder and vital organs in the gut where he was stabbed. He would have died or been in the hospital for a while afterward.

Even how Touya is at the moment is a feat of Manga medicine. Irl Touya would have lost significant range of motion in the joints covered by skin burns, he would have spent literal months in the hospital after Sekoto peak hanging between life and death, and would have undergone 10-50 reconstruction surgeries over the years since the accident on top of months of rehabilitation after he was released from the hospital.

Miruko wouldn't be up and battling with her new prostheses this quickly. There is a learning curve and it takes time for the residual limb to heal, etc. She'd be looking at a rehabilitation process too which would be more than the couple of months that the story has lapsed since her injuries.

It's so exhausting to have hysterical people come at me and others like HIS SKIN IS FALLING OFF HE'S DYING AHHH when the story is about people with superhero powers and obviously doesn't follow irl bodily function logic etc. Not sure how to explain that this is a story about people with super human abilities. This is equally as frustrating as all the "Rei is going to spiral/relapse because she saw Dabi's reveal tape" and the "Shouto is going to kill Dabi" takes that cropped up but were proven wrong by the story later because the lead up apparently hadn't been obvious enough.

Basically, "oh no this character is so close to dying - wait they survived?!?! Cool!!" is a common trope that Horokishi loves to overuse. And I'm not looking to argue so just make your own post if you insist Dabi is dying.

[deepperplexity]

Prompt: 22. Slipping & Sliding

Characters: Young!Snape and Young!Muggle!OC

POV: First, OC

Setting: Cockesworth

A/N: Last night I was up late to write this piece, getting it ready to be posted and everything because I knew today would be incredibly stressful and I needed to write two fics today since we are to leave for my hometown tomorrow.

Well, I'm not gonna finish RICKMAS 2022 on time. This is the last fic during the time of this event, maybe I'll write prompt 23 & 24 in the future but I cannot write them right now. Like I said, I went to bed stressed af but pleased with my efforts knowing I'd just have to write two fics in whatever spare time I could find tomorrow even if they would be super short. But today I woke up to a text from my mom letting me know grandpa has died during the night. One of my absolute favourite people in the world who has always been incredibly important to me, that I was going to see tomorrow and celebrate Christmas with… and now he's gone. I have not been able to function today, and I won't for a while. My heart fucking hurts.

I hope you can understand why I can't write at this time, and I will not be replying to comments for a while either because I cannot muster the enthusiasm or energy needed to do your comments justice. Thank you for joining RICKMAS this year, sorry I can't finish it on time.

Tags/TW’s:Friendship, Sledding Accident (no harm), Grumpy/Sunshine (platonic)

Word Count: 1.5k+

Masterlist page // Masterlist post // AO3 // LINK TREE

I never quite understood him. He never played with us. Always off to the side, never joining in. And he was, odd… His clothes were tattered and never the right size, his body strangely gangly and his face almost sunken in. I never saw him smile either.

“Mummy,” I said and tugged on mum’s jacket, “can I ask him to play?” Mum locked towards the young boy, my age probably. “That’s the Snape boy,” she said in a low tone. “Don’t you go making friends with his sort,” she continued before turning back to the other mums to continue talking about grown-up stuff I paid no attention to, gas prices weren’t anything I understood anyway. He looks lonely… That’s not fair when there’s so many of us here.

I grabbed the folded wax cloth mum had brought along with my sledge and trudged over to him in the deep snow. He was quite far off from the rest of us, sitting in the snow by a tree. He looked like a black dot among all the white. Quite different to my colourful appearance, my pink jacket almost shining in the sunshine reflected by the snow and I loved my yellow mittens with a matching hat, my purple scarf flapping about and my rainbow-coloured winter boots were probably my favourite thing about it all.

“Hi,” I said as I had nearly gotten all the way to the boy. “D’you wanna play?” I asked and stopped a step or two away from his feet. His shoes looked really cold to wear for the weather. “No.” He sounded like an absolute sulk, his voice slightly darker than I had thought. “Why not? We can use my—” “No, go away,” he interrupted but I had three older brothers who all loved me super much and were always constantly annoyed by my presence at the same time so it actually didn’t bother me at all.

“You know, you won’t make friends like that,” I said and plopped myself down next to him. Not feeling the cold snow with my thick winter pants on. “I’m not trying to, am I?” he snarked and half turned away from me. “Everyone wants friends, it’s more fun to play with others.” “I don’t play.” “Why not? You’re a kid like me, we should play.” “I’m not a kid,” he muttered again. “How old are you then?” “I’m twelve,” he grumbled and I looked at him from head to toe. “You don’t look it. I’m Sarah by the way, and I’m almost nine.” “Go, away,” he said but I wasn’t having it. He looked like he could use some fun. Why would he be there if he didn’t want to have fun? All the kids came to the slope to play.

“I’ll go away if you go down the slope with me once,” I said while standing up. “Or I can bother you all day, I have brothers, I know how to be reaaaaaaally annoying, you know.” His head jerked around at that and I beamed at him, his face told me everything. “Fine,” he grumbled and got up, suddenly turning quite tall and even more spindly. But, it felt like he wasn’t too annoyed with me despite the way he talked or looked. If I was right or not I didn’t know.

“Come on then,” I said and folded out the wax cloth big enough for four people to ride on at the same time. Dad had even stroked it with a candle before we headed out so it would really go fast. “One ride, and then you go away,” he said and I nodded. “Sure, sure, get on new friend,” I said and patted behind me. He rolled his eyes but sat down. “It’s Severus,” he said. “That’s the strangest name I’ve ever heard,” I replied, “but I like it. Now let’s slide!” I laughed and grabbed the edges of the cloth, pulling it up over my legs so it wouldn’t slip out under us while Severus placed his hands on my shoulders, barely holding on to me.

We scooted forward, towards the edge of the slope and then off we went, slipping and sliding down on the already flattened snow perfect for high speed. I shrieked and laughed as we picked up speed, feeling Severus’s hands tense atop my shoulders while I leaned back a bit. “Woho!” I shouted as we reached the steepest part and we swished ahead towards the end.

When we finally slowed down I was giggling too much, it was just so much fun to go sledging when you did it with friends. “Fun, innit?” I asked while looking over my shoulder with a wide grin. But Severus wasn’t smiling. His black hair was a complete mess around his face. “I rode with you, now leave me be,” he said in a dreary tone and I actually sulked a bit myself. I did say I would… Well, I tried at least… Perhaps Andrew wants to ride with me? “Fair enough, thanks for riding with me, Severus,” I said as we clamoured off the wax cloth. “Sure,” he muttered and began trudging up the hill.

I followed behind, dragging the cloth up behind me — good thing it didn’t weigh anything. A little ways away the other kids were going hard with their sledging thing of choice. Some had a snowball fight and others were building snowmen, even a snow horse.

“You know, you should play with us more,” I huffed out while we were getting to the steep part. “No thanks,” he said and I rolled my eyes. “I don’t get it, why are you so sulky? It’s soon Christmas and there’s snow, and—” “None of your business,” he interrupted but he pulled up his shoulders, it almost looked like was sad. “Don’t you like friends? And having fun?” “Friends only turn on you, so no, I do-ooOO—!” His arms flailed out as he slipped on a spot of ice, he stumbled back and slammed into me, sending me back, tripping over the cloth and toppling over.

I began sliding backwards while I saw Severus rolling over a few times. The shove he’d given me sent me flying down the hill on my back. I tried to turn around, reaching to grab at the ground but my mittens couldn’t get a hold of anything. “Severus!” I screamed out as I began to spin, faster and faster, while heading towards the tree line with too much speed. I shrieked as I stopped spinning, my feet towards the trees and my eyes fixed on Severus who looked with horror towards me.

He pulled something out of his jacket, his lips moved but I couldn’t hear anything but the snow under me as I hit a bump the bigger boys had built to snowboard over. I cinched my eyes shut as I flew up into the air, holding my breath for the impact I knew would hurt.

But I never hit the ground. I landed softly in the powdery snow just at the tree line — panting and heaving while my heart ran wild like a goose being chased. “What-, how-,” I stuttered as I shook my head only to see Severus bolting towards me. “Sarah! Are you hurt?” he called before stopping right before me, slipping something back inside of his jacket.

“How-? What happened? I just stopped? Mid-air? I was-, I flew and then-, what happened?” I asked, looking all around to find some explanation but nobody even looked our way. So I looked back at Severus who exhaled harshly before reaching his ungloved hand out to me. “I don’t know,” he said but that was a lie. “You saw, you know, what did you do? I saw you,” I continued while grabbing his hand.

Severus pulled me up but didn’t look at me. “You stopped me, you saved me, how did you do it?” I insisted, being as adamant (annoyingly questioning) as I could. After all, I had practised a lot with my brothers. “Let it go, you’re alright. That’s all that matter,” he muttered but I grabbed his coat and gave him a big, hard hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” I said. “It was my fault, I fell into you,” he said and I peered up at him. “But you stopped it, somehow, that’s amazing!” I said. “It’s just mag-, if you say so.” “It’s what? What did you say it was?” I asked, latching on to the interrupted word while still hugging him. He was a head taller than me.

“Nothing,” he muttered. “You’re special, aren’t you?” I asked with a grin. “No, I’m not.” “Yes, you are. You’re special and you saved me,” I insisted in a manner only a little sister could. “Get off, Sarah,” he said and pushed at my shoulders. “When you tell me how you saved me,” I beamed in return. “I can’t tell you that, it’s not allowed,” he said while looking at anything but me. “I won’t tell, I’m really good at keeping secrets.” “No, I can’t, it’s not allowed.” “Fine,” I muttered and let go of him. “But we’re riding at least ten more times because you won’t tell me, and it was your fault I was sliding like that.” I’ll make you my friend, I’m very tenacious, Severus, I thought to myself.

Masterlist page // Masterlist post // AO3 // LINK TREE

A/N: Remember to appreciate the time you have with those you love.

Taglist: @lizlil @snapefiction @darkthought15 @monstreviolet @flowerdementia @marvelschriss @once-upon-an-imagine @ravennight41 @caseydoodles98 @slytherinprincess03 @theconsultingdetectiveswife @grimmyhild @monster-energies @myobscureimaginarium @snowblossomreads @eternal-silvertongued-prince @cherryglossie @setsuna-meiou31 @helena211 @a-queen-and-her-throne @justsaturn0 @turvi @imwithyoutiltheendofthelinebucky  @sunnylikesfrogs @mamawolfsmith16 @dianilaws @morphineisouthoney @meteoritewolf69 @bionic-otp @elizabeth-baelish @romanceandsarcasm @severuslovebot @leah1243 @glowstar826 @rickmandowneyjr @yellowbadgermole @snapesangel @a-queen-and-her-throne @impulse-anchor @commodoreseverus  @writewithmarites @alisongurl13 @yan-senna @writewithmarites @reinekefoxart @nixislight @lokisbjchnl  @snowblossomreads @reinekefoxart @reiketsunomizunomegami

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[Dec:2022]

[sirthisisa-wendys]

Objections: Geto Suguru x Fem!Reader

synopsis: you go to a wedding as the maid of honor for your best friend, so you have to keep things proper. But there's always room to have a little fun, right? (a piece for the Gangland Collab hosted by @semisgroupie)

wc: 2.5k

tw: NSFW

masterlist

Flustered.

That's one way to describe how you're feeling while everyone is running around and making demands. You're barely dressed when the bride - and your best friend - comes into your shared hotel room with a red face.

"Y/n, my shoes won't buckle!"

You stoop to help Mizuki silently, hoping she would calm down after your assistance. But then she begins to complain bout how awful the wedding rehearsal had gone the night before, where only two out of the four groomsmen had shown up. The best man had even sat the rehearsal dinner out, claiming to have a wicked hangover—a likely story.

"There," you state, standing up and pulling your blush-colored dress straps over your shoulders.

"Thanks, y/n. Don't know what I'd do without you."

And you carry Mizuki's flowers as she rushes across the courtyard to the church, her hands full of tulle skirt. And you adjust her veil when it slips off her hair a little. All the things her mother would have been there to do, you're there for instead. Because that's just who you are.

The groom and the groomsmen have already descended the aisle, and you hand Mizuki her flowers as her father approaches her in the church's lobby. His tattoos are covered by the long-sleeved suit and buttoned-up shirt, but you know Mr. Magahara would show his tattoos if he could.

"You're the best maid of honor," he mentions, and you smile, giving him a wink.

"Wouldn't give this up for the world."

As you walk down the aisle alone, you smile at all of the family members present on Mizuki's side, knowing each and every one of them by name and function. You take your place across from the groomsmen standing behind the groom and eye the best man - a tall, black-haired fellow - with curiosity. His black eyes flick to you for a moment, linger on your appearance in the blush silk, and then turn away just as quickly as if you no longer existed. But Mizuki is coming down the aisle, and you turn toward her, placing your best "I Want to Be Here" smile on your face.

The wedding vows and ceremony passes in a blur, and before you know it - she and her white-haired groom are wedded. As they leave, you walk back up the aisle beside the best man, secretly wondering why he couldn't just suck it up the night before, but you keep your thoughts to yourself as you wait for the golf carts purchased to take you all to the reception.

"Y/n, you and Geto will get in the next one," Mizuki claims and zips off, facing the crowd while her dress flies around her and Gojo. You turn to the man as he sits in the driver's seat of the white golf cart, and he pats the seat next to him. His cuffs roll up just a bit to reveal a red and black tattoo outline when he does so. You look back up at his face, and Geto raises a brow - noticing you noticing his tattoo.

"I don't bite..." he offers, shrugging. Other people are going past you and the stationary cart as you assess the Yakuza member, but after what feels like forever, you decide to get into the cart, and he starts it up before taking off at a crawl. "Often." Before you can respond, he floors the pedal down on the golf cart, and you scream, holding onto the side rails for dear life.

It would be just your luck. You're stuck in a golf cart with a bona fide crazy man who is in the Yakuza.

When he finally pulls up a the barn, you step off the cart, dizzy, but you feel no more inclined to throw up than you did before. However, Geto gets out of the vehicle and loops your arm through his, guiding you towards the repurposed barn like a gentleman.

"Wasn't so bad, was it? Maybe four-and-a-half stars out of five?"

"Out of ten," you mutter, earning you a hearty laugh.

_____________________________________________________________

You're six toasts in and a little unsteady on your feet when Geto turns to you, watching you eat the cupcake offered to you moments before. He places his hand on his chin, examining you in the dim lighting of the venue like he did at the church.

"What?" you wonder, mouth full of icing and cake.

"Just watching you eat that cupcake. Maybe I should've gotten one, yeah?"

"Yeah," you muse, sucking some icing off of your index finger. "They're fucking amazing."

"I bet..." You think you hear him groan in his throat, but you can't be sure, so your attention goes back to the people on the dance floor, and you thumb over to the crowd.

"You don't like dancing?"

"Eh," Geto shrugs, watching the groom sway to the slow song with his bride. "No one's ever asked me to dance with them before." You stand from your chair and offer Geto your hand, praying he wouldn't embarrass you by not taking it.

"Well, Mr. Geto, may I have this dance?"

The man looks at your hand, then back up at your face, as if you were joking. But you continue to stand there, palm up, until he finally takes it, leading you to the dance floor. He pulls you into a traditional slow dance hold - one hand against your waist, the other holding your hand out - and you look up at him, laughing.

"You can dance!"

"Never said I couldn't," he chuckles, smiling down at you. "Just said I hadn't." After a few moments of this, the song changes to something fast and exciting - definitely a song that makes you want to shake your ass a little. At first, the mafia member is caught off-guard by the song, but he dances along with you, mouthing the words to the song.

"You acted like you've never been to a party before," you mention, and he shakes his head, his banging flopping back and forth.

"Always rolled up in the back and watched the festivities."

Your entire perception begins to shift, and for some reason, your cheeks heat up under his gaze. It's the alcohol, you consider. It has to be.

But as you move closer to him and Geto takes your hips in his hands, you know you won't be able to escape this evening unscathed. The DJ changes the song to a sultry and seductive song, and you follow the beat, rolling your body under the firm grip of the hands on your body. Your fingers creep up Geto's suit and rest on his chest, eyes following and resting on his face. He leans down and exhales in your ear, and you tilt your head back, hair tickling the back of your neck.

"Fuck..." he breathes, and you stifle a moan when his hands creep up to the top of the back of your dress. "Y/n, I don't know if I can keep dancing with you like this... Makes me think about--"

"Don't," you whisper, feeling the need grow in your stomach. "Don't say it. We just met, and I can't... I shouldn't..."

"I'm renting a hotel room tonight and heading back into town in the morning," he adds, ignoring your plea. "Maybe we could..." Geto leaves the ending open, and you close your eyes, hissing as he grips your ass.

"You're making a scene."

The sound of Mizuki behind you is enough to startle the both of you into sobriety. You look back, and Gojo and Mizuki raise their brows at the two of you simultaneously.

"If you're going to fuck each other, don't do it here. Go on," Gojo smirks, jerking his chin at you. "Get out of here."

Neither of you needs any more permission to take off and go back to the hotel.

"Get your things and meet me on floor ten."

You fumble with the keycard as you stumble into the hotel room you shared with Mizuki. Nothing but the thoughts of being under Geto fill your mind as you throw your things into a bag and rush up to the tenth floor.

Geto is standing in front of the elevators and scrolling on his phone, his black jacket slung over his shoulder and tattoos on full display from his forearms to his elbows. Shit.

He notices you immediately and holds his hand out for your bag, then walks you to a room at the end of the hall. The plush carpet beneath you makes you a little unsteady on your feet, but you keep your composure and step into the room behind him. He sets your bag on the couch in the room, sighing and placing his jacket over it before walking over to where you are, still standing at the now-closed door in anticipation. He tilts your chin up and smiles, leaning in for a kiss without speaking.

And you give him exactly what he wants, pressing your back against the door as Geto runs his hands over your body slowly, deliberately. "You've been driving me crazy all night long," he muses, pulling away from you and tapping your nose with his index finger. "But now I've got you right where I want you."

"Wait," you murmur, head hazy, already drunk on his essence. "I don't even know your first name."

"Suguru," he whispers against your lips. "But I go by Su."

And before you know it, you're moaning that name over and over again, his head between your legs and hands on your thighs. You can see all of his tattoos from his back to his hips, and for a moment, you're lost in the intricate patterns and swirls and animals. Your hands are tangled in his hair, and he moans when you tug slightly on it, pushing him into your cunt a little more.

"Please, Su..." you beg, and he answers your request by sucking on your clit and flicking his eyes up to watch your face change. "Oh my god." Your rock your hips against his face, and he hums loudly, bordering on a growl while his tongue flicks back and forth. "Ah!" Your orgasm arrives faster than you thought it would, catching you off-guard and making your back arch.

Suguru grabs your hips and repositions you so he's still eating you out as you cum. And when you're done, he pulls away slowly, licking his lips and peeling his pants off.

"That's a good girl," he mutters, pushing your legs up and grasping his hard length. "You ready for me?"

"Yes, please," you whine, and Suguru slides his cock up and down your pussy before slapping it with his cock head a few times.

"Wet as fuck," he groans, then slides into you, barely getting his cock past your entrance before easing up. "And tight as shit. Damn, Satoru owes me ten bucks."

You're about to ask what the hell that means, but he slides back into you, and the thought evaporates. "Oh, Su!" The man slides back out, then in, gaining a few inches each time. His hips meet yours with a slap of skin, a rhythm he maintains as your own personal initiation begins.

"Keep those hips still for me, kitten." You obey, moaning in time with his thrusts and watching his cock pump in and out of you with a milky, white ring of your cum forming at the base. "Look at that... You're creamin' all over my cock." All you can do is moan in response, feeling your body flush under his gaze. Lithe fingers dance around your collarbone before sliding back down to your breasts, toying with your nipples carefully.

"Can we..." You gasp as he leans down and swipes his tongue across your breast, the sound of your moans and groans cutting through the static in your head.

"What'd you say?"

"Can we--" Another gasp is pulled from you when Suguru tugs your right nipple with his teeth, delivering a shock of pain and pleasure.

"You keep stopping mid-sentence, kitten. Spit it out." All this time, he hasn't stopped thrusting into you, and you frown a little, trying to recall what you wanted to say.

"Su, can we please -- ah!" Suguru drives a hand toward your clit and rolls it between his fingers.

"Baby," he chastises, smirking playfully. "Didn't they teach you to finish your sentences in grade school?" You huff in response, and Suguru laughs, pulling his hand away and leaning over you. "No, really. What is it, y/n?"

"Can you fuck me from behind, please?" Suguru's brows raise, and you swallow hard, feeling him pull out slowly.

"Be my guest," he encourages you, and you flip over, scooting to the edge of the bed eagerly. Suguru slaps each ass cheek once before entering you again. "Go ahead," he murmurs, and you bounce back onto his cock, taking control. You look back at the Yakuza member and bite your bottom lip, feeling your climax build.

"Feels so fucking good, Su," you whisper, and his mouth parts at the way you look. "So damn sexy..."

He slides out of you almost instantly, pushing you onto the bed and mounting you from above. "Trying to make me cum, huh? I know your little tricks. I've got something for that." He doesn't sound displeased at all, just a little surprised, but his reaction no longer matters as he pounds into your little cunt as hard and fast as he can, pushing your hips into the bed over and over again. A hand crawls up to your neck, and Suguru latches his lips onto your earlobe, traveling lower while he fucks you so hard that the headboard begins to shake.

"The h-headboard," you cry out, but Suguru pays you no mind, keeping you in place while he thrusts into your abused cunt until you tip over the edge, choking out a sound between a wail and grunt.

"Good girl," he whispers in your ear as your hand scramble to find purchase among the silken sheets and pointless pillows. "Cum for me... just like that." A ragged inhale triggers his climax, but you're still riding your high as he rocks into your cunt, filling you with his cum. You both lay on the bed, recovering with deep inhales and exhales, and a soft moan or two.

"Shit," you breathe.

"That was fucking amazing." Suguru stays inside of you but pulls you onto your side so he's spooning your body carefully.

"You're in the Yakuza," you whisper. "Does this mean I can never tell anyone about what we did?" Suguru laughs loudly, shaking your body as he holds you.

"Everyone watched you and I leave, I don't think there's any confusion about what we're doing. And even if they didn't Gojo will tell them for sure." You groan, but Suguru pulls you in closer. "Don't worry, y/n. I won't let them embarrass you. I'll make sure to let them see you with me on dates, too."

[suicidal-bitch-countdown]

Fucking bitch is still alive. Unfortunately.

And the fallout from the failed suicide has really been awful and made me deeply wish I didn't fuck it up.

More people making fun of and bullying me, accusations of staging my suicide (really?), my property vandalised, I now experience gag reflex in response to any pill that I see because I've taken about 100 according to doctors, which later made me throw up for hours, and most likely losing my job on attendance grounds (subject to appeal).

I haven't had the strength to do anything to myself because I'm too weak physically. And it's so easy to fuck it all up turns out.

Petrol burns your skin and nether regions in ways that I didn't expect, and instead of setting myself on fire I ran around frantically and tore off my dress in panic.

Tying up rope takes a while and you've really got to account for the height, because first tie was far too low (so my feet would touch the ground), and the second was too high, meaning I had to faff about with pulling a big tree root to be able to prop myself up, but everything turned out to be so time consuming, a pair of dog walkers ran into me and I then knew everything was over.

Seeing your Mum cry is horrible. Even when She's hurt you in the past, it was still sad. Although having to live with Her now, I've remembered why we're not compatible and get on each other's nerves. Nothing has changed and She's too stuck in Her ways. I know I won't be able to function for too long having been lured to live under the same roof again.

Reading this blog again though, ensured I realise that there's no way out of this. You must keep your word and promise. No ifs or buts, bitch. Even if my Love has let me down in some ways, I've let Her down more. I've now learned some crucial things that I didn't know before, of course when it's too late. And they make me feel so fucking guilty. My friend who gets annoyed whenever I defend Her needs to stop his jealousy-fuelled moaning. You're another person who tried to turn me against Her. You're the one who tried to convince me She wanted me dead (!), and this is one of the things that really hurt Her when I said it in anger. He insists what a bully She is, but have you ever considered the second side of the story? Lol no cause you're biased as heck, so just give it a rest.

Apparently if I was really suicidal I'd have neglected my job, so now I have and I'm sacked. Appeal was sort of on autopilot and peer pressure, but really that should be the final straw as to why I go and die. Why are you so fucking weak? What are you waiting for? When your money runs out?

Ironically I'm going on a booked non-refundable holiday on an island in days. Hopefully I find a lighthouse accessible to public or another good hazard to throw myself off from. I haven't tried jumping from heights as a method of harm before. Since tablets and hanging failed, maybe this won't…… Just need to make sure it doesn't close early like it was the case that turbulent Sunday…… And when I disappeared people thought I went home! Haha, now it goes to show nobody knows a damn thing about me. Absolutely nothing.

Remember what I've said before, if I fail, I will try it again. Better fucking do it right though to spare everyone more suffering, including me, and so I don't ultimately get locked up in an asylum, as that'd be fate worse than death. So the race against time is on. Remember it bitch. Remember of the relief you leaving will bring. Monster abusers like you deserve to burn in hell, and I'll make sure of it. The correct punishment for hurting my Love is death. So you ought to pay.

[that-little-zebunny]

Skin to Skin (First Date)

Pairing: Loki x Avenger!Reader

Warning: Angst, little Gorey-ish details, Fluff

WC: 2,151

Summary: You're new to the team and end up messing it up with the God of mischief on your first day in. Knowing his reputation you're up for a fun time in the compound.

Note: First of all thank you so much guys for the warm acceptance you gave on our 1st part T....T y'all made my heart so so happy. I hope you'll enjoy this part and I'd love to know how you think. Its a bit long so yay enjoy.

2nd day of our wonderful HBC's Week of Love for the lovely @the-th-horniest-book-club 🥰

You know what's the fun part of fighting the bad? It's that it doesn't choose a great time. It pops up as randomly as it can. So here you are on your second day trying to go around and meet people, when you got a message to suit up.

Small details are that you and your team are going to keep an eye on one of hydras abandoned bases because Friday had detected some activity there.

What you didn't know is the team you speak of is just you, the Falcon, Natasha and Loki. Yup, how fun will it be? You and the person that doesn't like you in one deadly work. You won't be surprised if somehow between the fighting you'll be stabbed by him. You shook your head to remove the thoughts running in it. You really should stop watching suspense shows. You sighed.

After almost three hours in the air you all finally made it in the location. You scratched your head when you saw that the area is surrounded by a lot of trees.

"Looks like we're up for a fun hide and seek game if there's really people here now." Nat said as she fixed all the weapons secured on her belt. Sam agreed. He activated three of his cute little drones to help out with securing the area for treats.

"We should go. All these small talks will not vanish our enemies." Loki said walking past the three of you. You pouted.

"I think that's mostly because of me. Sorry guys." You said as you finished fixing your knives on your belt and grabbing your metal staff. It's your main weapon because it keeps you from getting near anyone when it's not needed.

"No worries cookies, he's like that to everyone. He didn't really have a choice in being here. He's banished here to help." Sam said using the silly nickname they all choose to give you after you delivered tons of cookies to them.

You look at Loki's retreating back sadly.

You're able to get inside the rusty building without encountering anyone.

"This is a bit creepy. How did Friday detect anything here? There's no one in about 10 kilometers." Sam said as he checked the tech in his arm.

"Maybe it's a ghost?" You joked which earned you a strange look from them. "What? I watch movies." You rolled your eyes at them and continued going to another part of the building to check. It looks like you're in a laboratory slash surgery room. That gave you chills. You tried to not imagine how many bodies were cut and gutted in here.

"You have a very unique mind." Someone said which made you squeak. You turned around swinging your staff towards the voice but was halted by a sting hand. Loki held the end of your staff smirking at you.

"Crap…" you whispered. You didn't do anything again didn't you? "I-I'm sorry." You bit your lips as you relaxed, removing your staff from his hold.

"For someone that works with emotions you do suck at it." He said, smirking at you.

You scratched your nape as you stared up at his face, his very very beautiful face. Ugh!

"I know. Its been a challenge controlling my own. I was so used at controlling others." You said remembering your childhood. How you tried to mold your always bickering parents to play nice when you're around and to act as if they loved you. You know they hated it and they hated you but what can you say you were ten and scared. But they didn't care. All they know is you're an anomaly and that they rather not be around you. That's why as soon as your grandma offered they toosed you away like a hot potato.

You shook your head as your most dreaded memory came up. You frowned and turned to look at Loki again.

"Was that you!?" You asked. You're gritting your teeth as you feel the rage consume you. He just stared down at you smirking wickedly. You boinked away the tears that threatened to fall from your eyes. "We're even now." You said gripping your staff.

"Yes we are." He proudly said as he went around checking if he could find anything useful and you did the same.

It really was a lab and they've experimented on people trying to make a brain dead person have functions again. That made your stomach turn especially when you saw the reports of how the patients reacted to that. Some were like dummies and some became vicious. And so many more that you end up closing the files you're reading and you just grabbed them.all to bring them back with you.

"Find anything else?" You asked Loki but he didn't answer so you went to look what he's doing in the room he went in. You found him staring at a cradle.

"There's a body here." He said. That alerted you. Especially when you saw him touch the cradle to open it using his power.

"Nooo Loki don't!" You shouted as the cover of it opened up releasing some kind of gas. Knowing the few things you've read if your guess is correct this is gonna be bad.

You ran to him to grab his arm to pull him away but he didnt move so when you saw the sharp claw like hands coming out the gas you didn't think much and just went in between Loki and the thing.

You gasped in pain as you felt the slicing on your back.

"Good norns! Y/N! You dumb, dumb mortal!" He shouted as he caught you in his arms when your legs gave out. He looked behind you and flicked his hands green mist went to take away the life from the girl from the cradle. You heard its body make noise as it fell down.

Still in Loki's embrace you tried to breathe deep but it ended up just you gasping painfully. The cuts must have been deeper than you thought.

"L-Loki…" you pleaded with him as you felt your breathing start getting shallow and you feel like you're drowning. You must have blood on your lungs by now. You tried to swallow the sobs that tried to get out of your lips and you just stared up at his face. He really have a nice face. It's unfair.

You must have lost your mind because when he caught you staring you smiled up at him which in return got you another frown.

"Stop admiring me. I know I look better than the normal midgard male population. You really must be dumb, why did you jump infront of me. I'm a God I won't be hurt by a mere scratch." He said as he helped you to lay down on the floor as he called out to Nat and Sam on his coms. He turned you on your side to check your injury and you heard him take in a breath.

"Is it bad?" You asked thinking of the worse based on his face.

"Don't get your brain all rilled up, Cookies. It'll be alright." You giggled when you heard him call you on your new nickname.

"S-so I'm cookies to y-you now too." You coughed but still smiling.

"Oh you need to shuush." He said but you can hear the smile in his tone. So your stupidity got you on his goodside.

"How can I s-shuush. This might be my last time to talk. What i-if some parasite is now in me and I'll start walking and biting people." You caughed again as you felt something soothing on your back.

"You need to change what you watch Y/N. That's not healthy anymore." He said, shaking his head. Your back is starting to feel nice now and your head is like it's floating. You giggled again as you touched his face. Even in your groggy brain you felt his emotions. Scared, amused and adoration. Is that all for you? You smiled at him again as your eyes were about to close.

"You should date me Loki." You said. His eyes went wide as he steadied you to pick you up.

"That's the soothing magic talking." He said as he started to walk.

You're about to walk past the table where you put down the files you found when you remember how important they are.

"Wait! Wait! Lemme grab those." You pointed to the tall stocks of folders.

He walked near it and you grabbed them and hugged them on your chest like your life depends on it.

You feel proud of yourself getting them or being carried by Loki. You're not sure which anymore and before he even finds your team you fell asleep.

You woke up in what you guessed as the med bay. You tried to get up and looked around to find no one. You brushed your hair with your hand as you tried to stand but got dizzy. You tried to grip the bed frame for support but you're too slow so you just let yourself fall. You're about to kiss the floor when two strong hands caught you and relief and annoyance flooded your brain.

"You must enjoy being in my arms." He teased as he helped you back on the bed.

"You got nice arms." You joked as you went back on your bed. You took a deep breath and seriously asked him "how did the rest of the mission go?"

"Well, the Widow was able to find some scavengers that tried to loot the structure they came back there before we left and they must have been the ones who triggered Friday's system. The monstrous thing that attacked you is dead officially and we didn't find another of it but we did find a mass grave behind the building." He explained as he sat down on the side of your bed.

You thanked him and relaxed knowing there's no more of that thing around.

"Do you like steak or do you prefer the simple ones?" Loki suddenly asked. You looked at him confused.

"What for?" You asked.

"You have offered me to date you. Have you forgotten?" He said, smirking at you. You felt your cheeks heat up. Crap you did. Mid thinking about tobe a zombie parasite walker time. You looked at him waiting for him to say he's joking but nothing . He just raised one gorgeous eyebrow as he waited.

"You're serious?" You covered your face with one hand as you tried to let what he's saying sink in.

"Very serious, you've felt my darkest emotions I've seen your darkest memories don't you think we're past the getting to know part Sam keep on babbling about?" He said as he slowly touched your elbow with a finger and you felt his sincerity and adoration. Your brain feels like it's about to explode. This majestic person really wants to go out with you. Omg!!!

You slowly nodded and he smiled.

"So stake or not?" He asked again.

"I like steak." You answered back. He smiled and left. Leaving you with so many emotions that you never felt before as your own. Joy, giddiness and something you can't name.

A week after you're out of being stuck on a medical bed you and Loki went to that date. You still can't believe it's happening. He even did all the preparations and stuff. He brought you to a gorgeous restaurant with beautiful music and the tastiest stake you ever had. It was so much fun. He's very funny in his own way. You're both enjoying a walk before going back to the compound when you felt Loki grab your gloved hand. You look up at him.

"What's wrong?" You asked. He just smiled and kissed your hand.

"I'm just very glad I gave myself a chance to know you more and not let what happened to us on our first meeting get to me. You're a very fascinating and beautiful lady Y/N. Thank you for being with me today." He said. You smiled warmly at him as you took off your gloves. You stashed them in the pocket of your coat and brought your hands up to his face but didn't completely touch him.

"May I?" You asked and you saw his face softened. You told him that you will never touch him without his permission.

"Yes…" he answered as he held both your hands and brought them close to his face. He closed his eyes and sighed at the feel of your skin. Feeling that strange feelings again that you can't name you're not sure if it's yours or Loki's emotion. You stepped closer to him and tiptoed to reach his waiting lips. You can't wait to understand that strange feeling but for now you're gonna enjoy how good it feels.

Tag list

Skin to skin: @delightfulheartdream @victias @kaogasm @marvelgirl7 @alexakeyloveloki @newdaynewyearnewlife @multifandomlife22

Tom Hiddleston and Characters: @jewels2876 @jobean12-blog @CurlyRed2020

The ones with stikes, I cant tag you guys i dunno why T.T

[softsky-daily]

11/8/2023

The sky has been so blue lately - or maybe it just happens to be whenever I take a picture.

Positive thing: I got to play the new Yakuza game.

I played through the tutorial stuff and the first chapter and it's pretty fun so far. I had to adjust to the combat since it's back to the original beat-em-up style as the past games, plus Kiryu is all by himself and not with a big party like Ichiban is in Yakuza 7. It does give it a much lonelier feeling, but I think it suits the story. I'm playing in Japanese so I understand like 70% of it and the other 30% I'm trying to make out through context clues, but it's enough to enjoy it. Plus I'm learning a lot of new vocab which is always a plus.

There's this new gadget system thingy where you can use gadgets in combat and the first one you get is a wire that you can wrap around enemies and fling them around with. It's very Spiderman-esque. I think you unlock more which I'm curious about seeing.

Class was a big drag today. I straight up just kept the Zoom open and only tuned in when there was a mandatory discussion happening, and I was still tired by the end. Most of the time I was chatting with classmate friends on Discord on the side. It seems like a lot of us are going through it this semester. I guess I've also realized that there is just this strong atmosphere of... I don't know what to call it. Bootstrap mentality? Like that but much more subconscious I guess. My professor was sick and she opened the call with her groggy voice apologizing that she was sick, and said something along the lines of "You know, you have your clients and all these things you have to do, and when you get sick it's hard because you need rest and at the same time, everything is going to move on without you if you fall behind."

Which like, true I guess, but it never sits well with me when someone in my field says things like that. I know we live in a society that doesn't prioritize rest at all, and that it's basically being kept together by people who do do all that work, and someone has to do it and it's often thankless and difficult, but where do we strike that balance? What kinda message do we send others about mental health when we make the choice to do that? I know the answer is that a bunch of systems need to be reworked and better funded to allow for more rest, not just for counselors but everybody, but that won't happen so easily.

I see my friends doing the same things, both those in class with me or at their jobs or whatever, and it feels so harrowing that it's this ubiquitous. Just pushing through because it feels like there is no other choice. I've been doing that forever and it literally rots you away to be like that. I know there's a special kind of person who does genuinely thrive in that kind of pressure, but I am not them, and most people I know aren't either.

Oh well. I get to play more Yakuza tomorrow, and a friend is coming over to stay for the weekend as well. I'm mostly looking forward to Friday, where I'm having an end-of-running-group-counseling celebration lunch and then later going to my friend's birthday dinner. I bought him a present I think he'll really like so I hope I'm right. Then Sunday I'm volunteering at the Japanese Festival which I think will be fun too. I'm going to need to be pretty firm about having my own rest time though, because I have practicum Monday and if I don't get rest I think I'll literally be too out of patience with everything to function.

[pyrobane-fandom-space]

Significant Strides in Relations

Author: Merlyn Bane

Word Count: 10.3K (shut up, don't @ me okay)

Summary: Obi-Wan Kenobi manages to catch the attention of his attache on a diplomatic mission.

Warnings: Adult Content™. Strong language, smut. Virgin!Obi I guess. Unprotected sex--wrap it up!

A/N: Did I come back from the dead just to post some completely self-indulgent bullshit? Yes I did. This is like 3.7K worth of smut with like 5K worth of justification and like 1K of Skywalker bullshit at the end and I'm not sorry about any of it. I would also just like to blame @no-droids and their Open Door series for giving me a Thing for Obi-Wan in the first place.

(gif found on google, not mine)

You want to fuck the Jedi.

And, yeah, sure, you feel a little bit bad about it. You know enough about the Order to know that that's something the Jedi don't do--if the poor man knew the direction your thoughts had taken, he'd probably be scandalized. You can clearly imagine his face turning, just, scarlet, especially because you do mean fuck. 

Obi-Wan Kenobi is visiting your planet on a diplomatic mission that you haven't been briefed on the particulars of, and you've been assigned to him as an attaché during his stay--tending to his needs, making sure he's comfortable while he's here. It's a function you've performed many, many times as part of your duties to the royal family, but Kenobi has been...particularly pleasant, to work with. The Jedi is kind, treats you like an equal even though you're technically working for him for the time being, and he's funny. You hadn't realized the Jedi were allowed a sense of humor, but Maker, this one is sarcastic, constantly teasing with a playful glint in his blue eyes that is...not helping you with the whole 'wanting to irredeemably corrupt him' problem that you're currently having. 

You show up at his quarters just before breakfast to collect him as you have for the last two days and he's already there waiting for you, opening the door just as you're coming to a stop in front of it.  Kenobi gives you a gracious smile as he steps into the hallway with you, letting the door slide closed behind him, and you return it before turning to start making your way to the dining hall. He falls in step next to you and despite the fact that he really isn't walking that close to you, you swear you can feel him there. "Good morning, young one." 

You snort softly, scrunching your nose up as you give him an unimpressed side-eye. "Young one? You realize I'm within five years of you? I think you spend too much time with your old padawan and not enough with your peers, Kenobi."

The Jedi chuckles next to you, looking suitably sheepish as he grins over at you. "My apologies, my lady," he says, and you can tell that he's teasing you lightly. You roll your eyes but don't correct him--no, instead you internalize it, and his innocent my lady gets cataloged away with the rest of the impure thoughts that have been plaguing you since you saw him in the great hall upon his arrival. "I meant no offense."

"None was taken."

The conversation sort of just...drifts off, and you take the time to study his features out of the corner of your eye while he's looking ahead. The Jedi is...handsome, and frankly you think it's very unfair of the Order to lock all of that up under a chastity vow. The lines of his face are classical, look like they could have been carved from marble--only accentuated by the scruff of the beard lining a jaw you kind of want to sink your teeth into. 

And, Maker. His eyes. The clearest crystal blue, like twin glaciers, piercing directly into your soul every time you meet them but...gentle. Always gentle. You know he's as talented a warrior as he is a negotiator, you've heard the stories, but you would never know it from his pretty eyes. 

"What are your plans for the day, Master Kenobi? Since there won't be any official matters taking place today." It's the third day of the week, and on your planet it is considered inappropriate to do such work then. Most of your people will be in services today, to include the royal family. You probably should be, but you had offered to stay behind and continue to assist the Jedi--you've never cared for such things, anyway, and you certainly think he makes for better company.

Kenobi turns his head just enough to give you a small smile before he looks forward again, humming softly as he considers his answer. "I will likely confer with the Council this afternoon, update them on how the negotiations are going. Perhaps I will take some time to meditate, as well. You may have most of the day to yourself." It's quiet for a moment, then: "And you may just call me Obi-Wan, if you wish."

Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan--

It does not escape your attention that this isn't an offer that was even extended to your employers, who he's supposed to be here on the sole purpose of brokering an agreement with. They've still been using titles with each other, you know they have. Fuck. "Obi-Wan," you repeat, hoping that it escapes his notice how much you find that you like the way it feels on your tongue. Obi-Wan. "If you find you have the time, later, maybe I could show you around a little more. There are some places on the palace grounds I think you might enjoy."

The Jedi hums again, and you can see that he's still smiling when you look over at him. "I will certainly keep that in mind."

You reach the dining hall only a few minutes later, and go your separate ways once you've gotten your food. You find a seat at one of the far tables tucked into a corner that's already populated by a couple of your fellow staff members, making sure to sit so that you're facing him so he can get your attention if he needs it. You're being elbowed almost the second your ass hits the seat, the girl to your left clearly desperate for whatever gossip she thinks you have as she leans in and whispers at you in hushed tones. 

"Maker, you've got a dreamy one. You're so lucky, I was assigned to--"

You're not even listening, not really--tuning her out while you tuck into your breakfast. You suppose you don't have any real right to be so annoyed with her, truthfully, given that you've been having similar thoughts about him yourself all morning and for most of the last couple of days, but you find that you are anyway. The girl doesn't even seem to realize that you're ignoring her, continuing to chatter at you until one of the other people at your table manages to redirect her attention, if not the subject. 

 You tell yourself that the reason your attention stays focused on the Jedi is in case he needs you for anything but you're not very convincing, even to yourself. Your mind wanders while you eat, formulating scenarios that all seem to end with Obi-Wan between your thighs. Most of these thoughts are generally nonsensical, idle flashes and half-strung together images, but some of them come through with alarming clarity. 

I want to suck his cock.

The Jedi suddenly chokes on whatever it is he's just eaten. 

You instinctively shift to stand up to try and help him but his companion is already there, smacking his back with more force than you think is probably necessary and laughing loudly enough that you can hear him from your table. Skywalker, you think his name is. He's still chuckling when they settle back down, despite the thoroughly unamused looks Obi-Wan is shooting him. You snort quietly to yourself and Skywalker turns his head to look at you like he can sense your eyes on them. Your eyes meet for a second, two, and then to your horror he winks at you.

Your stomach sinks. No. No, no. No. He's just winking at you because he caught you looking over at them, right? Jedi can't. Jedi can't read minds, right? Surely not. The younger Jedi raises an eyebrow at you, the edge of his lip curving into what can only be called a smirk, and you really. Just need the ground to open up and swallow you whole right here. Maker. You're going to have to work with Obi-Wan for the next couple of days--how the fuck are you supposed to look him in the eyes, now, knowing that he's heard you this entire time? 

 Breakfast passes both entirely too quickly and not near quickly enough, and before you know it, both Jedi are getting to their feet. You curse quietly under your breath and stand yourself, disposing of your tray before you manage to make yourself walk back over to join them. You still have a job to do, regardless of whether or not you want to dig yourself a nice deep hole to die in right now. You do your best to force a smile once you reach them, really trying your absolute hardest to pretend that none of...that, had just happened. Like you haven't been caught lusting over Obi-Wan fucking Kenobi by the man himself. 

Skywalker is the first to speak, that Maker-forsaken grin still plastered firmly in place on his face when he does. "Hello,"

You think he's having entirely too much fucking fun with this, frankly. 

Obi-Wan seems to agree with you, if the look he gives his companion then is anything to go by. You swallow, doing your best to reign in your composure as you raise a hand to wave at him in response before turning back to the man you're supposed to be assisting. "Are you--" you pause, clearing your throat before continuing. "Are you ready to return to your rooms?"

Maker. Maker. Why did you have to say--

"Quite," Obi-Wan answers before you can stutter out an apology, giving Skywalker what can only be described as a warning look before he turns back to follow you. Your gaze stays all but permanently affixed to the floor as you start making your way down the hall, the only thing indicating that he's still beside you the sound of his boots on the tile. 

You can feel his eyes on you when you reach his door but you still can't bring yourself to meet them, clearing your throat awkwardly and folding your hands behind your back in a bid to stop yourself from picking at your thumbnail from the nervous energy that's suddenly coursing through your body. "I. I hope you have a pleasant rest of your day," you manage to stutter out, taking your leave before he can say anything to stop you.

You end up having a couple of hours to yourself to stew in the privacy of your own room before anyone comes for you. 

You groan quietly when you hear the knock at your door but haul yourself to your feet and make your way over anyway, pushing your hair out of your face. You frown minutely when you find one of your coworkers standing there. Kaljova--she's assigned to Skywalker, if you recall correctly. She seems vaguely concerned with the state you're in but is kind enough not to comment on it, giving you a polite smile instead. "Master Kenobi has asked for you," Kaljova tells you, and has the grace to pretend to not notice the way your face falls with it. 

"Do you know what he needs?" you ask her, blessedly managing to keep your voice even. You reach down to grab your cloak from the table by your door and tie it around your shoulders without waiting for her to actually answer, stepping out into the hallway and letting your door close behind you. 

She shakes her head, shrugging a little bit. "Master Skywalker didn't say, I'm sorry."

You shake your head, sighing softly but giving her a small, reassuring smile. "It's okay. Thank you for letting me know."

She returns your smile and nods once before she turns around and leaves you to your own devices again. You groan quietly, pinching the bridge of your nose as you work up the nerve to actually make your way to the visiting diplomat wing where you know he's waiting for you. It takes you a couple of minutes but you do manage to make your feet move eventually and they carry you there far faster than you'd have liked them to. 

You swallow harshly and close your eyes for a second before reaching up to knock on his door, bracing yourself. Maker, he probably wants to talk about it, clear the air or whatever, and you are just...absolutely not even a little bit equipped to deal with that right now, frankly. You're able to school your features as the door slides open but just barely, and you stop breathing altogether when you look up and meet those pretty blue eyes. 

And he seems...surprised to see you. 

That kriffing--

"You...didn't send for me, did you?"

Obi-Wan shakes his head, looking more confused if possible, and you just sigh quietly, giving him an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, I think there was a...miscommunication." And I'm going to kill your fucking padawan. "I'll just--I'll just go." You raise a hand in a very awkward not-wave and turn on your heel to go, but then.

The Jedi gently grabs you by the elbow, and everything stops for a moment. 

Goddammit.

"Wait," Obi-Wan says, softly--like he's trying not to spook you. You take a deep, stuttering breath, and sigh it out, relaxing where you stand as you give up on getting out of this. "I believe...it would be a good idea, if we talked."

Yeah, that's. That's pretty much what you figured, unfortunately. 

"I'm very sorry, if I made you uncomfortable, I...I didn't know you could--" Didn't know you could hear me. 

"I know," he tells you, just as gently as before, and you reluctantly turn just enough to be able to face him. His eyes are soft when they regard you, and you find your breathing evening out despite yourself--wondering idly how much of it is actively his doing. "Just...come inside. Please."

You can't find it in yourself to deny him so you nod, letting him lead you into the room and trying to pretend that you can't feel your heart stop when the door slides shut behind you. Obi-Wan seems to notice you not knowing what to do with yourself because he gestures to one of the chairs in the sitting area, sitting down in the one opposite it once you're settled. It's quiet for a moment as both of you seem to search for the right words. 

"I would like to begin by apologizing for Anakin," he says finally, and you snort as the words register.  He gives you a wry smile in return, and continues. "He means well, but he can be...thoughtless, in his humor, at times. Particularly when it is at my expense."

"He sounds like he must have been a joy to train."

That earns you an almost startled sounding laugh out of the Jedi, which manages to get a real smile out of you. "I fear he may have also misled you, to an extent." He tells you, not quite meeting your eyes now as he scratches at his beard. You give him a questioning look and he sighs softly, leaning back in his chair. "We...can hear thoughts, but only if we go looking and it is considered very inappropriate to do so without reason."

You feel your eyebrows knit together in confusion, then, and you tilt your head at him. "But you…?"

Obi-Wan winces, and nods. "You may have...projected, this morning, inadvertently. It was...rather loud, and my guards were not as firmly in place as they probably should have been."

Oh. So you'd shouted it at him, then. Great. "Oh."

"I had...gotten a sense of the direction of your thoughts, before that, but you were acting very professionally so thought it best to pay it no mind."

That's...very kind of him, actually, to have simply ignored it even though it must have made him uncomfortable, especially when he so easily could have just told you to knock it off or requested a different attache. You clear your throat, finding yourself picking at your thumbnail again. "I appreciate that."

"You needn't be embarrassed, you know." the Jedi murmurs softly, and you look up to meet his gaze despite yourself. He smiles at you a little bit, then, and it brings something very warm into those blue eyes of his that almost makes you just a little lightheaded. "These things happen. You're only human, you can't be expected to have complete control of your thoughts all the time."

"You do," you point out, just because you feel the need to. "Jedi do. So I'm told."

"We spend our whole lives learning to try." he amends, and there's something so human in the way that he grins that suddenly, all you want to do is lean over and kiss him. "It is a constant exercise, not a skill that can be mastered."

"Still. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable this week."

"Uncomfortable might not be the right word for it, speaking truthfully," Obi-Wan admits, so quietly that you're almost not even sure he's really said it at all. And--Maker, is he implying what it sounds like he's implying? You know your eyes must be just about bugging out of your head with the shock but he mercifully either doesn't notice or pretends not to, scratching at his beard again as he seems to consider his next words, and you...really need him to stop doing that. It's becoming hard enough to maintain your focus as it is. "There were times where I was perhaps...tempted."

You stare at him, blankly, blinking slowly as the words process. Tempted tempted tempted-- "I thought Jedi couldn't…"

Obi-Wan clears his throat, and suddenly he's the one looking unsettled. "Technically, the Code prohibits intimacy, attachment. It...says nothing about the act itself."

Oh. Oh.  

You're still staring at him, just completely dumbstruck, so the Jedi seems to decide to take it upon himself to continue talking and fill the space. "For most of us it ends with the same result, functionally, but. Technically." 

Maker, get it together. You feel like you're on a several second delay, having great difficulty processing this new information, let alone giving him the verbal response to it that he's clearly waiting for, now. "Have you--"

"Almost. Once. When I was a padawan myself. My master and I were stationed on Mandalore at the time, assigned to protect the Duchess." 

You're grinning, now, you can feel it tugging at the edges of your mouth. Maker, you suddenly need to know this story like you need to breathe. "What happened?"

Stars, you swear you can see the tips of his ears turn red. "Qui-Gon caught us. It has...certainly dissuaded me from making any attempts since."

You laugh. You can't help it. Suddenly you're laughing so hard it nearly hurts, grasping your middle with one hand while wiping tears from your eyes with the other. You would feel worse about it if Obi-Wan didn't look so amused himself. "Oh, you poor thing." you snort before your brain can catch up with your mouth, and you feel your own face heat when you realize the implication of what you've just said to him. Way to go, Ace. 

Except...he's still grinning at you, amusement dancing in those blue eyes, and all the air seems to rush out of the room when they lock on your own. Kriff. "Are you suggesting that I'm missing out, then?"

He's teasing you, the bastard, and all of sudden it makes you feel bold. You lean forward in your chair, then, resting your elbows on your knees as you encroach on his space and pull your lower lip between your teeth.. "I'm not suggesting anything, Master Kenobi," you all but purr at him, "but should you be interested in finding out for yourself…"

The offer hangs in the air between you, then, like a lit fuse while you just stare at each other, both waiting to see if the other will make the next move.  

"And what might this...demonstration...entail?"

"Nothing you aren't completely on board with," you tell him immediately, because if this happens--Maker, if--it is absolutely imperative to you that he enjoys himself just as much as you do. Which...gives you an idea, actually. "I make sure my partners have a good time. Haven't done my job if they don't."

Fuck, the Jedi's eyes are blown. His pupils have nearly overtaken those pretty blue irises and it makes your breath catch with how much you want to ruin him. You can feel the tension rising in the room between you, feeding on and feeding into your arousal in a vicious cycle. He swallows, and you watch his Adam's apple bob with it and narrowly resist the urge to bite him. "Oh?"

Kriff, you need to leave before you fuck him right here and ruin your plans. You give him a small, soft smile and stand, padding over to him. His eyes track each movement, his head tilting back to gaze up at you when you come to stand between his knees, and you can see how ragged his breathing's gone at the sudden proximity. You reach out and let your palm wrap around the line of his jaw, your fingernails scratching lightly through the coarse hairs of his beard, and the Jedi's eyes fall closed before you even lean in. He gasps when your mouth brushes against his own, the faintest whisper of a kiss, and your smile widens. "I think, that you deserve to be seduced properly, Obi-Wan," you breathe. "I'm not going to fuck you, Baby, not just yet. When you really want it--then I'll give it to you."

 It takes several seconds before he's able to get words out again, and when he does you can barely hear what he's saying from the rasp in them. "I think, my lady," he pants, "that you are being exceedingly cruel."

You chuckle softly, letting your thumb brush across his lower lip before you straighten up and take a step back, ignoring the almost whine that escapes his throat when you do. "Perhaps."

For the rest of the evening, you act as normal--as if none of the events of the day had taken place. You meet with Obi-Wan and escort him to the dining hall for dinner as usual and go your separate ways once your trays are piled high. You do your best to resist the urge to glare daggers at the other Jedi, particularly when he grins and waves at you, but you are able to content yourself with the sharp look Obi-Wan gives him for it as he sits down. Dinner is uneventful despite Skywalker's best efforts, and passes quickly. You give Obi-Wan this time to...come down, essentially, to gather his wits back about him before you really set your plans into motion in the morning. You had left the Jedi absolutely wrecked this afternoon, and not only do you think it would be just a little unfair to begin your seduction in such a state, you're a little concerned that you might actually kill him if you overwhelm him so much all at once. So, you give him time to breathe. 

Or at least, that is your intent. 

The sudden drop almost seems to have the opposite effect. Obi-Wan's composure is, outwardly, as impeccable as always. No-one but you and Skywalker--you're sure--would be able to tell that anything's up. The only reason you do is because you still can't take your eyes off him so you notice the way his haven't left you, either. And, Maker, the way he looks at you. You almost want to give in, drag him back to his rooms now, but. You meant it earlier, when you said you thought he deserved better than that. The concept of virginity as a special thing is not one you've ever particularly put much stock in, yourself, but you know that this is, will be, a big deal for him whether he's willing to admit it or not. You want to give him at least this much. He might not be allowed true intimacy or emotional attachment, but that doesn't mean the sex has to be careless. You meant it, when you told him that you take care of your partners.  

The next day, you start slow. Obi-Wan is actually fairly busy with the diplomatic mission he'd been sent here on in the first place, which makes that relatively simple. The only time you really get with him that morning is when you're escorting him to and from meetings, so you spend that time finding excuses to touch him. Subtle things, like adjusting already-straight the collar of his robes. 

"Good morning, Obi-Wan," 

The Jedi steps out into the hall with you and lets the door close behind him, returning your greeting with an easy grin that makes your heart skip a beat. "Good morning. Where are we off too?"

"You have a meeting with the Chancellor, first. It'll be long and likely boring assuming Skywalker behaves himself, but productive." You give him a soft smile, stepping forward and looking up at him from under your lashes. He watches you intently, almost seeming to stop breathing for a second when you reach up and adjust the tan collar of his robes, your fingertips brushing lightly against the skin of his throat when you do. You let the moment linger a second longer than it needs to before you step back to a respectful distance and nod down the hallway. "Shall we?"

Brushing his hair out of his face when it's fallen into his eyes.

Obi-Wan looks about as tired as you expect him to when he comes out of his meeting a couple of hours later but he has a small smile for you when he sees you waiting for him in the hallway anyway. Skywalker follows him through the door seconds later but barely pays either of you any mind, grumbling something about breakfast as he follows Kaljova down the hall. The two of you stand there for another moment, glancing at each other and chuckling at the younger Jedi's irritation, and you notice idly that some of his blond hair's managed to fall out of place. You reach up to brush it back out of his eyes and bite your lip when they zero in on your own, and you find yourself leaning in further before you can stop yourself only for you to jump apart when the door slides open again. The Chancellor gives you both a polite nod as he takes his leave, completely unaware of what he'd interrupted, and you have to shake your head to clear it once he's out of sight. You can still feel the Jedi's eyes on you when you turn to make your way to the dining hall.

It continues this way, more or less, until lunch, when you decide to kick it up a notch going into the afternoon. You remember what he told you about being able to pick up on your feelings, at least in a general sense, whether he went looking for them or not so you decide to lean into that and let your mind run wild with the things you want to do to him. You're careful not to project any particulars at him this time but you can tell that he definitely takes notice when you start letting your thoughts wander. 

You're still sitting in the dining hall at your separate tables, and you smirk lightly when his eyes snap up, watching them narrow when he realizes what you're doing. You maintain that eye contact shamelessly, pulling your lower lip between your teeth as you try to imagine what's waiting for you underneath those robes. Skywalker's glancing back and forth between you and grinning but Obi-Wan ignores him completely, raising an eyebrow in your direction that you merely shrug at. You see him shift slightly in his seat after a little while of this and decide to lay off a bit--for now, at least. 

Obi-Wan has to consult with the Jedi Council after lunch so you decide to have some mercy on him immediately leading up to that and take a break from your little game. You're sure he's still aware of the arousal boiling low in your belly while you walk him back to his rooms after lunch but you're not actively focusing on it now, letting yourself relax and the Jedi by extension. 

It's during dinner that evening that you really kick it into high gear. 

You're not even fully sure this is going to work, since you've only ever done it once and by accident, but watching Obi-Wan converse with Skywalker at their table, you know you want to try. So you focus your attention on the Jedi, and hone in on the thought of what you think it might be like to kiss him until you see him stiffen and you know he's got it. You keep going, feeding him different images that only grow more explicit as you grow bolder. Sucking and biting bruises into the skin of his throat and chest while you grind down against his cock. Looking right into his pretty blue eyes while you stroke that cock, watching him come apart when you finally take it into your mouth like you've wanted to do practically since you laid eyes on him. Riding him, burying your hands in his hair and swallowing his moans while you bounce in his lap. 

Obi-Wan grits his teeth across the dining hall, gripping the edge of the table he's sitting at tightly and pointedly not looking at you while he tries to regain control of his breathing. Skywalker is staring at you, wide-eyed and slack-jawed in total shock, and you only smirk back at him in response as you let the projection drop. You didn't necessarily want the other Jedi to see those things, truthfully, but you don't know how to control the projection well enough to block him out and he's been enough of a dick about the whole thing this week that you really don't feel all that badly about the fact that he looks like he kind of wants to bleach his brain, now. 

You simply go back to your meal once you've dropped the projection, though you can't help the small grin that stays plastered on your face. The next few minutes pass that way, but then.

But then.

Well, projection goes both ways.

It feels sort of like a tickle, at first, at the edge of your mind--easily ignored. Then it turns into a gentle prodding, and when you look up to confirm your suspicions, his blue eyes are locked firmly on yours and it takes your breath away. He's...being remarkably gentle with you, knowing that no-one's ever been in your head before like this, waiting for you to relax and let him in in a complete roll reversal that shocks you. You barely manage to contain the gasp when you do, because he's suddenly pushing images back at you. Obi-Wan thinks back to how your fingers had felt in his hair this morning, and then reimagines that feeling with you in his lap, tangled in his hair while you kiss him. Then, fuck. With his head between your thighs. He stops and focuses in on this one, imagining as many details as he can manage as he pushes it to you. Your hands pulling on the blond strands while his grip your thighs, holding you open as his tongue laves through the folds of your cunt. 

The moment feels like a tipping point, and both of you know exactly what is going to happen once this meal is over. 

You're so pent up and aroused when it's finally time to leave that you're lightheaded with it but somehow you manage to get to your feet anyway, and thankfully you don't end up having to deal with Skywalker at all because Obi-Wan is out of his seat first this time and meets you halfway. There's something in the air between you, something tense and charged, and you know you need to get him back to his rooms now. He seems to be on the same page because he wastes no time in following you out of the dining hall, and his strides are longer enough than usual that you actually struggle just a little bit to keep up. 

And there's something so…juvenile about this, rushing off and sneaking around, but it's...fun. You feel almost like a teenager again, truthfully, so eager to get him alone somewhere private so you can get your hands on him that you're all but running down the hallway to get there. 

You're on the Jedi the moment the door closes behind you but he's right there with you, pulling you in for a kiss that's all enthusiasm and little finesse but heats your blood anyway. Your fingers tangle in his hair as you tug him closer and he moans with it, his own hands finding your face and framing it gently. You run the tip of your tongue along his lower lip and press forward when his mouth opens into it on a gasp, licking into his mouth until he has to pull away to breathe. 

Maker, he already looks a mess; beautifully flushed with his hair all askew and his pupils blown wide. It makes you want to do, just, unspeakable things, but you know you still have to take your time and ease him into it or this will all be over too fast and you can't have that.  

"Go...go sit on the bed," you murmur, putting a hand on his chest as you step back and take a second to try and get your wits back about you. "Take your boots off. And your cloak."

And, Kriff, he does it immediately, nodding at you with that just fucking wrecked look in his eyes before he turns to do exactly what you told him, laying his cloak over the back of one of the chairs and padding over to the bed where he sits on the edge before leaning over to take his boots off. You watch him the whole time, almost high on the heady feeling that comes with this hyper-competent Jedi Master doing whatever you tell him to. 

You take your time in joining him, partially to tease and partially just because you need those extra few moments. His eyes track every movement as you remove your own cloak, laying it next to his as you toe your shoes off, and you give him a small smile as you make your way over to the bed. Obi-Wan's breath hitches when you climb up onto it and seems to stop altogether when you carefully settle yourself on his lap, his hands fisting at his sides until you reach down to take them gently and guide them to your waist. "You can touch me," you purr, running your nose along the line of his jaw and grinning to yourself when his grip suddenly tightens with it. "It's encouraged, in fact."

He snorts quietly, so breathily that you almost miss it, and starts rubbing circles into your sides with his thumbs. "Noted," he rasps, and you grin wider before you press a kiss just under his jaw. The Jedi shivers with it and the reaction emboldens you so you continue downward, pressing kisses along his skin until you reach the collar of his robe and then you're working at the belt of his robes, eager to get at more of his skin. Obi-Wan seems to still have enough presence of mind to help you, shrugging out of the first two layers once you're able to get them open and discarding them to the side carelessly. You reluctantly have to pull back so you can yank his undershirt over his head but then his whole torso is exposed for your viewing pleasure, so you decide you're alright with the short interruption. 

"See something you like?" Obi-Wan quips breathlessly after a few seconds of you shamelessly studying every line and pane of his chest and you only smirk at him an answer, leaning back in his lap to get a better view and darting your tongue out to wet your lower lip. 

"What are the odds of anyone seeing you without the robes?"

His eyebrows knit together momentarily like he doesn't know what you're asking, but he seems to put the pieces together when you suddenly duck back down and lick a broad stripe along the line of his collarbone. His hips jerk up with a broken moan before he's able to manage an answer, his head tilting back and further exposing his throat. "Un-unlikely," he gasps out, and you're grinning again as you start pressing hot, open-mouthed kisses lower until you find a spot on his pec that pleases you and you stop and suck. The Jedi gasps raggedly, his fingers digging into your waist as he tries to ground himself, but you don't stop until you know a bruise will bloom there. "Something to remember you by?" he hisses, and you chuckle softly as you trace the round little blemish with the tip of your finger. 

"Oh, Baby, I don't think you're going to have any difficulty with that with or without a few little...reminders." 

Obi-Wan moans again, low in his throat, when you start pressing a trail of hot, open-mouthed kisses down his chest, gasping out and trembling the first time you let him feel teeth. His hips buck again and then it's your turn to gasp when his cock rubs right up against your cunt--already so, so hard. And, Maker, it is not a small bulge. What's he hiding under all of those neutral fabrics? You leave a meandering line of bites and hickeys all the way down his chest, ignoring the way he whines when you shift back off of his lap so you can continue down to his stomach. He leans back on his palms, then, watching you intently with dark eyes that make your pussy clench between your thighs, and his breath catches in his throat when your hands find the ties of his trousers. "What are you--"

"Told you I wanted to suck your cock," you remind him, biting your lip as you start undoing them--slowly enough to give him ample opportunity to stop you if he wants. "That alright with you?"

The Jedi nods mutely, suddenly seeming at a loss for words, and you smirk as you sit back on your knees and start pulling them down his thighs until he springs free, and--

Kriff--how fucking dare the Order deprive the galaxy of this magnificent cock? 

He's not the longest you've ever seen, per se, but he's thick enough that you almost wonder how you're going to take this thing and beautifully flushed, with defined veins that you just know are going to feel incredible inside you. You lean in to lick a stripe right up the underside of it before you can stop yourself and Obi-Wan cries out at the sudden stimulation and shakes, falling backwards onto his back. You moan softly at the response you pull out of him and lean up until you're able to take the head into your mouth, watching as he squeezes his eyes shut and grips the bedspread until his knuckles go white and unravels. "Watch me," you tell him, taking him in your palm and pumping slowly while you wait for him to respond, "Wanna see those pretty blue eyes."

He forces them open just like you told him to, keeping them trained on you as he bites down on his lower lip and takes a shaky breath and you take him into your mouth again, satisfied. He cries out again but a little quieter this time, and you hum around his cock as you start bobbing up and down on it slowly, almost teasingly so, holding his hips down as best you can so you control the pace. You definitely want to feel him come down the back of your throat at some point, but this isn't the time for that. You have every intent of him coming buried deep inside you tonight. 

It becomes something of a game, figuring out exactly what he likes. Hollowing your cheeks to make your mouth tighter around him and moaning until he gasps. Teasing the slit at the top with the very tip of your tongue until you swear you hear him curse. And then you take him to the root.

And, Maker, he swears when he bottoms out and it shouldn't be so insanely hot hearing those words come from this ordinarily so well put-together Jedi but it is. You realize how close he's approaching his end so you reluctantly pull off of his cock, then, ignoring the whine that escapes from high in his throat when you do so. You wipe your mouth with the back of your hand while you try and catch your breath, which is not made any easier by the way he's looking at you. You know you must look just as wrecked as he does, now, all flushed skin and swollen lips, but if you didn't know better you would genuinely think the man was about to eat you alive. "I think, my lady," he rasps finally, after several seconds of staring at each other, "that you may be slightly overdressed."

Kriff. You glance down at the tunic and trousers that you are, in fact, still wearing, before looking up to meet his eyes again. You maintain that eye contact as you sit back up on your knees, pulling your lower lip between your teeth as you slowly start undoing the laces holding the top closed. Obi-Wan watches each movement like it's the most mesmerizing thing he's ever seen, pupils blown so wide they've almost completely obscured the blue. He groans quietly when the tunic slips from your shoulders, his tongue darting out to wet his lower lip when your breasts come into full view. "Is that better?"

He shakes his head mutely, swallowing harshly as he seems to try to gather the words. "I want--may I--kriff, lay back. Please." His gaze follows you closely as you slowly lower yourself down onto your elbows, intensely curious what he's about to do. The Jedi takes a deep breath like he's steeling himself and then he's shifting forward until his body stretches over top of yours, kicking his trousers the rest of the way off in the process, and it's your turn to gasp when you feel his lips brush against the underside of your jaw. He's holding himself up enough that you can't necessarily feel him press against you, but Maker, you can certainly feel the heat coming off of him and his warm breath against your throat. "I believe it's my turn," he murmurs by way of explanation, chuckling softly when your next breath comes out ragged.

"You don't--you don't have to do that," you moan, and Stars--you mean it, you do, especially this first time, but you will be just absolutely fucking inconsolable if he changes his mind right now especially after he went and put the fucking image in your head during dinner earlier. 

He doesn't grace that with a verbal response but you're hardly complaining because he starts trailing kisses down the side of your neck instead, and Maker he must have been paying attention when you were doing this to him because you swear he's replicating the technique. "Tell me what you want," he murmurs lowly into the skin of your throat before nipping at it experimentally, listening to you gasp as he keeps talking. "Tell me how to please you, Darling."

His fingers find your nipple before you're able to even begin trying to formulate words and you cry out at the sudden stimulation, arching up into it. "F-Fuck, you're doing a pretty kriffing decent job already," you pant and he chuckles again, running his tongue along your collarbone like you'd done to him and moaning when he gets another ragged gasp for it. "Maker.  U-Use your m-mouth,"

You think for a second that he's going to make some smartass comment about how he already is, but mercifully Obi-Wan seems to know what you're asking him for and decides to be kind about it. He continues exploring your breasts with his hand while he returns his mouth to your throat, licking and sucking his way down the column of it until he reaches your sternum where he stops to suck a bruise into the skin. He gets you so worked up by the time he reaches your breasts that you almost don't realize how close he's gotten until those blue eyes are flickering up to meet yours and he's taking your nipple into the blazing hot cavern of his mouth. You open your mouth on a wordless shout and start to writhe under him but he's right there, both hands coming down to your hips to hold you in place as he laves his tongue around the stiffening peak. Obi-Wan focuses his attention on your breast until you're whimpering and then switches to the other, moaning around your nipple when your fingers tangle in his hair. 

"You like that, don't you?" you purr down at him, watching the Jedi through half-lidded eyes as he moans again in an affirmative. You pull, then, gently--experimentally, seeing if it's something he'll even like, and then he. Fucking bites you. "Fuck, Obi-Wan!" 

"About as much as you liked that," the asshole grins at you impishly as he pulls away from your breast, leaning in to kiss you before you can call him on it. His hands find the top of your trousers once you relax into it, and he leans back to look at you as his fingers dip into the waistband. "May I?"

He starts pulling them down as soon as you nod your consent, sitting back and watching as every inch of skin is revealed until he's removed them completely and he tosses them to the side with the rest of your clothes, leaving you totally bare in front of him. Obi-Wan just...sits there for a moment, taking you in, and you let him, relaxing back against the mattress and smiling up at him. 

"Beautiful," he breathes finally, returning your smile with a small one of his own before he's shifting down, keeping his eyes on yours as his lips brush against your hip. He reaches forward and runs one finger through the lips of your cunt lightly, almost teasingly, watching you gasp and try to grind down into it. "Would you like it if I tasted you here, Darling?" Obi-Wan hums, continuing to press kisses along your hip and the insides of your thighs while he waits for an answer and, Maker, the coarseness of his beard against the sensitive skin there robs you of all conscious thought. All you're able to manage is a nod because you're so strung out and you need him there right now but that seems to be enough for him because he starts leaning in, one hand on each of your thighs as he licks a broad stripe right through your cunt. 

Stars, you can't even form the words right now to talk him through this like he'd asked, but he...doesn't actually really seem to need your help, here. The Jedi focuses in on your clit right away, swirling his tongue around the little bud before he sucks it into the wet heat of his mouth and you nearly sob at how good it feels. "D-Doing so good, Baby," you manage to get out, and the words almost come out as more of a mewl as he hums around your clit, sending jolts right through you. 

You whine in protest when his mouth leaves your clit but his thumb replaces it soon after, rubbing slow circles around it like he's trying to drive you insane on purpose. And then, Maker, his tongue dips into your entrance, licking up inside you while all you can do is sob your pleasure into the air. He keeps going this way for several minutes, steadily working you higher and higher with his tongue buried in your cunt and his thumb strumming your clit until your thighs start to tremble and you feel that coil inside you start to wind tighter. Obi-Wan moans between your legs as when he realizes you're approaching your end and steps up his ministrations, his thumb picking up speed until your back arches underneath him. The orgasm burns its way through you, slow but intense, until you're nearly cross-eyed and delirious with it and he keeps working you through it until you're shaking with overstimulation and pushing his head away. 

The Jedi goes willingly when you push him back into a seated position once you've managed to regain your bearings, and Maker, he's a sight like this; his hair just hopelessly disheveled from your fingers in it and your slick coating his chin and kiss-swollen lips. You take a moment to just look at him, committing this image to memory for all of those nights after he leaves when you know you'll look back and picture this with your hand between your thighs. His hands find your hips as you crawl into his lap and settle there, squeezing gently and letting out a soft moan when you lean in to kiss him. Obi-Wan is the one that licks into your mouth this time, mimicking the way your tongue had tangled with his at the start of this until you're moaning into it. 

He gasps into the kiss when you reach down between you to take his cock in your hand, stroking it slowly while you shift in his lap and Stars, you swear the Jedi underneath you stops breathing entirely when you line him up and the head of his cock presses right up against your entrance. "Maker, please," he begs then on a broken moan, pulling out of the kiss to catch his breath but leaving his forehead pressed up against yours. He opens his eyes to hold your gaze intently as you start to sink down onto him, crying out at the fucking stretch of it. You take your time taking his cock, both for his benefit and your own, and the slow intrusion into your cunt has you shaking before he even bottoms out. 

"Fuck, you feel so f-fucking good," 

And it does. You have to take a minute to adjust once you've taken him to the root before you can move, gripping his shoulders tightly in an attempt to ground yourself, and his hands tighten on your hips in response. The Jedi looks like he might implode if you don't move so you take pity on him, sweeping him into another heated kiss as you roll your hips forward and swallowing his ragged gasp that escapes his throat. You keep the pace slow at first, steady, working yourself open and easing him into the motion and the way your pussy feels wrapped around his cock, and you manage to keep that pace for a few minutes until it becomes too much for both of you.

Obi-Wan's hips buck up at the same time your hips rock forward and you choke on a loud cry, throwing your head back when the head of his cock suddenly hits you right in the sweet spot. He seems to realize that you liked it because he does it again and again, his hands suddenly becoming vices around your hips as he starts thrusting up into you. You keep bouncing in his lap as best you can with his hold on you, meeting him thrust for thrust and Maker, nothing you'd imagined has anything on this. You bury your face in the side of his neck in a pitiful attempt to muffle the sounds that are leaving your throat, sucking and biting at the skin you find there and enjoying the moans you get out of him in return.  

You suddenly find yourself on your back with the Jedi above you, swallowing down the gasp that tears out of you as he claims your mouth in a searing kiss. Obi-Wan starts thrusting again immediately as he lets instinct take over, leaning forward on his elbow next to your head to give him better leverage. You nibble on his lower lip as you bring your legs up around his waist, gasping into his mouth when he fucking growls at the feel of your teeth and knotting your fingers in the strands of his hair again. His free hand comes up to cup the side of your face, holding you in place while he kisses the breath from your lungs. 

You're not going to last much longer, if the way your cunt is already starting to tighten around him is anything to go by. He shifts his hips just slightly, down and to the side, and you almost scream when he manages to find an angle that has the head of his cock hitting your sweet spot straight on at the same time as the warm skin of his torso brushes against your clit on each thrust in. Fuck, fuck, fuck, how did he get the hang of this so fast? He's going to kriffing kill you, if he keeps this up. "Stars, Obi," you sob out, "I'm gonna--"

The Jedi presses one last firm kiss to your mouth before he's pulling back to watch you fall apart, his hand leaving your face and moving down your body until he's stroking your aching clit with his thumb again, rubbing it in fast, small circles like he's learned you like it as he continues fucking into you like it's the last thing he'll ever do. "Right behind you, Darling," he grits out, his voice coming strained and wrecked and you know he means it. It only takes one, two, three more thrusts before you just fucking shatter, crying out into the air and trembling as the orgasm obliterates you. He follows not half a dozen thrusts later, burying his face in your neck and gasping as he fills you with everything he has, his hips still pumping lazily as he comes down. 

Eventually, the Jedi collapses down on the bed next to you, reaching over to brush some of the hair out of your face and giving you a dopey grin that's such a wild juxtaposition from his usual composure and his reputation that it makes you giggle, unable to help yourself. He raises an eyebrow at you playfully but it only makes you laugh harder, shaking your head. "Maker," you breathe, finally, because you can't seem to string together anything else. Obi-Wan chuckles next to you and reaches over to pull you back into his chest, burying his face in your hair while he tries to catch his own breath. "You are...a very quick study. Maker."

You can't see him grin, but you can hear it in his voice when he speaks again. "I'm glad you're pleased," he teases, and you only roll your eyes before letting yourself fully relax against him. Your eyes start to droop but you don't have the energy to fight to keep them open, and you end up falling asleep right there in his arms.

He lets you.

You wake up the next morning almost unbearably warm, and when you go to try and sit up, you find that you can't. You freeze as a half-baked realization suddenly comes over you, hesitantly cracking your eyes open.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Oh, kriff. 

You fell asleep here last night. In the Jedi's bed. With the Jedi. He, it turns out, is the reason that you can't move. Obi-Wan's got both arms wrapped tightly around your middle, holding you against his chest with his legs tangled up with yours, and Maker you would never have pegged this man for a cuddler but you couldn't be more wrong, apparently. It does, however, create quite an interesting problem for you.

This is his last morning here before he leaves to return to Coruscant. He and Skywalker are supposed to leave early, before even breakfast. Skywalker will, doubtlessly, be coming around to see what's what's holding his old master up, and soon--and you are still here. 

Where you are. Definitely. Not supposed to be.

You don't know how much time you have but you know that it isn't much. You have got to get out of here before Obi-Wan's pain in the ass prior padawan shows up, and the Jedi looks so peaceful like this that you kind of wish you could just let him sleep but you really don't want to just sneak out on him after last night. So you sigh, reaching up to shake his shoulder gently. "Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan, we have to get up."

It doesn't take much to wake him, thankfully, and he lets go of you to prop himself up on his elbow as he rubs the sleep out of his eyes. "What's wrong?" he asks, his voice still hoarse from sleep as he peers down at you, not quite as surprised to see you there as you'd have maybe expected him to be. 

You don't even get a chance to answer him because there's suddenly a knock on the door, and both of your eyes widen at it. Skywalker. "Obi-Wan?"

Fuck, fuck, fuck, where the fuck are your clothes? You're out of the bed before Obi-Wan even has a chance to stop you, frantically trying to find your clothes and put them on. You toss his trousers at his chest when you come across them and that seems to be what finally spurs him into motion, standing up so he can get them on as he calls back to the other Jedi. "What is it, Anakin?"

There's a moment of confused silence, then: "Cody's landing the transport now."

Obi-Wan opens his mouth like he's about to tell his old padawan that he'll be out momentarily, but doesn't get a chance to get the actual words out before you both hear the hiss of the door starting to slide open. Thank the Maker, you just manage to get your tunic back on before Skywalker comes into sight, and you do your best to try to look fucking normal as his eyes flicker between you but your heart fucking stops when you glance to the left of you and realize that Obi-Wan still isn't wearing a fucking shirt. His entire chest is exposed, which means that all of the marks you left scattered across it are also exposed. Fuck, fuck, fuck--

"I'll just. I'll just see you on the transport."

Skywalker is gone before either of you can react, the door sliding shut behind him. Your next breath leaves your lungs with enough force that it's almost a wheeze, and you have to bend over and put your hands on your knees for a second while you try to process what the fuck just happened. Obi-Wan blinks next to you, looking directly ahead for a second or two more before he suddenly starts chuckling, and you stare at him incredulously. "I'm sorry," he says finally, "That was just…"

You're laughing too, then, shaking your head as you step back over to him, ducking down to grab his shirt from where you can see it on the floor. You place the fabric in his hands and lean up on your toes to press a light kiss to his cheek, giving him a small smile. "Until next time, Master Kenobi?"

He gives you a small smile in return, and surprises you a little bit when he leans in himself and presses a soft kiss to your lips. "Until next time."

Mercifully, no-one questions him when Obi-Wan finally makes it to the transport. He intentionally doesn't look at Anakin even though he can feel the other man's eyes on him as he finds his seat and sits down, straightening his robes. He finds it difficult to keep the smile completely off his face so he just ducks his head instead in the guise of settling in for the flight and studiously ignores the way Anakin is still staring at him. 

"How was your trip, General?" Cody asks, leaning around in the pilot's seat to look back at him once they've left the planet's atmosphere. Obi-Wan opens his mouth to answer but Anakin's there first, suddenly grinning ear-to-ear in a way that makes him distinctly uncomfortable. 

"Oh, the General had a wonderful time." the younger man drawls, looking him right in the eyes as he does, and Obi-Wan wonders not for the first time if Qui-Gon died and left Anakin in his care as some inhumane form of punishment. "Made significant strides with relations and learned a lot, I'm sure."

"Oh, well, that's good, Sir." Cody responds, and Obi-Wan really dearly hopes he's as unaware of the insinuation as he sounds. Cody really does not need to know these things. Anakin does not need to know these things. "I'm glad your mission was productive."

Anakin opens his mouth like he's going to say something else but closes it abruptly and grins instead when Obi-Wan glares at him and shakes his head slowly in warning. "Thank you, Cody." Obi-Wan says instead, leaning back in his seat and letting his eyes close as he tries to relax. Maker, he can still feel the effects of the night before, his muscles are more sore than he would have expected and he finds that he's very aware of the bruises you'd left behind and it's...strangely pleasant. 

He's not allowed to have emotional attachments, but. He kind of does hope that he'll see you again one day anyway. Until next time, Master Kenobi. 

[sintreaties]

The first thing to keep in mind, is that the OC has to be coherent with the story and the setting. You need to slip them in your fic in the same manner you would add a different species of fish in Kirari’s aquariums, that is, seamlessly and without much racket. They have to be weaved in the background and plot without disrupting the setting, but at the same time they can’t just be soul-less puppets, ready to be discarded as soon as you’ve used them for your plot-points.

These are the main pieces of advice I can give:

1) make sure you know who your characters are and why the story needs them

2) use the narrative technique of “show, don’t tell” to make them come alive in your stories

3) refrain from using excessive flashbacks, dialogues and descriptions.

4) practice, practice, practice and have fun

I will now talk about all of this a bit more in depth.

Let’s start with the character itself.

In order to create an OC you have to ask yourself:

1) what is their purpose in terms of plot

2) how do their actions and existence influence the world around them

3) how many times they appear.

In a word, you have to know how relevant they are to your story.

The more relevant they are, the more you should work on their thoughts, speech, actions, backstory and appearance in order to give them the same depth as the canon characters. You should also remember, that technically characters like Grandma Bami aren’t OCs. Their personalities and looks might be original, but for the rest, they already have a place in canon, even if we don’t see much of it, so you have to pay more attention in order to ground them and make them believable.

Keep in mind that your characters are more than a face and a plot-point, that relationships can be paradoxical and varied and that every person has flaws and strengths. Now you should be good to go.

Once you’ve decided on who the OC is and what they do, it’s time to weave those characteristics into the narration. Of course everyone has their own way of narrating their stories and everyone has different reasons to use an OC. Here are some of the examples in my fics.

In Of Thorns and Petals, Sayaka briefly mentions her parents to Kirari. In particular, we know about her mother's job and that she was always quite busy and distant. We learn more about this when Sayaka compares herself to her through a brief recollection: Sayaka remembers her talking on the phone, pressing it between her shoulder and ear while she cooks, like a real woman (meaning a functioning adult). This is meant to show the nuances in Sayaka's relationship with her mother: Sayaka looks up to her as as role model, and at the same feels her distant because she was always too busy to build a proper relationship with her.

Althought we won’t see Sayaka’s parents for God only know how many chapters, it was important to mention them now in order to establish that they exist, so the reader won’t be confused to see them at a second time and they won't feel out of place when Sayaka (and the narration) will require their presence.

Another OC of mine is Naosuke. Naosuke is merely a servant of the clan. In In the Shade of the Orchard we learn about his story, but his main function as narrator was to allow us to learn about Grandma Bami, about her cruelty and at the same time about all the characteristics that made her a woman worthy of admiration. In later works like OTAP he's a connection between past and present, between what the twins used to be when Grandma was around, and what they've become. He offers a contrast too, between the hatred they have for her and the reluctant admiration and devotion he always felt (i.e. Kirari suspects him of bringing her peaches when she goes to visit her Grandmother in Blood's Sickness).

Although Naosuke is now a background character in most of my fics (AUs and not), you don’t need to read In the Shade Of The Orchard to know who he is. We get to know everything we need about him at the right time through the right dialogues, actions and recollections, without disrupting the present narrative.

Naosuke and Sayaka’s parents are both examples of a “show, don’t tell” style of narration. Although it might take some practice, I believe this is the best style when it comes to introducing OCs, as it feels more natural.

See it as a painting and every detail is a brush stroke that will bring the composition together: Kirari recollects that her father often looked tired; and that the same tiredness often turned into something very similar to fear when he came out of Grandma’s office. Today, in the present moment, he doesn’t smile often and he never shows himself proud of her, notwithstanding all of her accomplishments (meaning, he sees too much of Grandma in Kirari and it’s taking its toll on the relationship between them). Here you have the portrayal of a weak, tortured man and his change throughout the years. You only need to give him a fitting appearance, perhaps bright blue eyes that look older than what they are.

Want to introduce an OC that has no real, possible connection to canon? Work in the same manner and make up everything you need.

The man sitting before Sayaka keeps playing with a lighter. He doesn’t look scared or nervous, but he has his own kind of restlessness. His eyes are indifferent and there are deep shadows under them; his hair is clean and cut, just like his nails, but there’s the first hint of a beard under his chin. Sayaka thinks that his suit looks too new, as if the price tag is still behind his neck.

Later on, when Kirari will arrive, she will amiably ask him if his flight went well, and he will tell her that her cousin was very clear in her instructions.

In a few lines we learnt that this man smokes or has a connection with fire, that he looks after himself but that Terano forced him to fly to Hyakkaou in such a hurry that the only way to make himself presentable was to buy brand new clothes, plus that Kirari isn't surprised to see him, so she probably knows him.

Kirari, Sayaka and John Doe himself will tell you this. I, as the narrator, am merely showing you their thoughts, words and appearance.

What you shouldn’t do in order to achieve the same result is use paragraph after paragraph of flashbacks and dialogues. In the first case, you will interrupt the flow of the narration, detaching the reader from the present; in the second one you might lose their interest.

When working on descriptions in general, be sure not to exaggerate. If you sap the subtext, you will only bore the reader (remember all those Jane Austen character descriptions? XVII Century English literature wasn’t that fun because the writers passed too much time telling us about each damn piece of clothing on their characters). Consider that most people don’t even notice each other’s eye color unless there’s something peculiar about it.

Last but not least, the more you get acquainted with your OC the better your narration around them will become, most importantly if you enjoy what you’re doing. There’s an intimacy between me and Naosuke; built on the fact that I and only I know most of his feelings and thoughts, only I know how he could react in a certain situation or not. When I think so much about it, it is extremely satisfying to bring all of that in my stories. Naosuke came to life first because I needed a “walking camera” and second because I was having a lot of fun writing him.

If it’s your first time writing an OC, don’t be afraid to come up with a Mary Sue. Humans are complicated even in fiction and only through practice (and reading) you might learn how to avoid certain mistakes sometimes.

Remember that it’s fanfiction. Be happy first, worry about technique later. Don’t be afraid to write as much as you can about anything you want and don't get discouraged if you can't write like James Joyce right off the bat.

I hope my answer and the examples I provided were useful. If you do end up writing something, please let me know!

[xanderwithanx]

Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.