#simultaneously terrified and super stoked

[larissa-the-scribe]

Oof so I have not been keeping up on tumblr.com as well as I was hoping I would. That's partially been because of trying to figure out how to continuously write a serial story, and partially because of how my work schedule is laid out.

But, I'm planning on making some changes to my schedule to make more time for myself, so hopefully in April or May I'll be back on here more consistently.

And also pursuing like five other shiny ideas I had but shhhhh

[mybrainlacksharmonics]

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

- Worked out!  I’m doing the Blogilates 100 Ab Challenge, and I am simultaneously terrified and stoked. - Caught up on my Bible Reading. - Began doing Duolingo again.

I wasn’t super regular with posting these near the end of last year, in part because I wasn’t super productive.  I need to work on staying on track this year.  I have a lot of stuff I want to accomplish these year and I need to establish habits before I lose my motivation and start to slack off.

[bullshitallergies]

Snap Judgements For The New Year!

January 15, 2018 1:30 am

Woods Ave.

1:30 am- wasn’t really super prepared for company at 4:30 pm on a Sunday but I was grateful that ash and dude came by considering I wasted all my money on trash. I’m used to ash’s lazy ass gay joke making self but I originally had no intention of doing any speed and I don’t regret the choice to partake, but I really want this dude to stop carpet farming and either sit still and stop dropping things every 30 seconds or leave.

1:34 am: omg can you sit the Fuck down dude.

1:36 am: this shit is super clean feeling and nice. It’s making me want to write all the words and fuck all the Kenny Owen.

1:37 am: I’m serious I really want to bang my Kenny rn.

1:38 am: I’m terrified that I’ve done hard to come down from chemicals without having any pot around. Pot is my rock.

1:38 am: every day I am 25-90% completely bummed out about and missing my Boognish. He is about to turn 11 yo and before we know it he’s going to be over hanging out and being interested in adults. It kills me to be away from him and it kills me that because I’m involved and she hates me so much, Kenny’s mom has limited Cortlands ability to see or even talk on the phone with Kenny. I am beyond secondary in this situation. I don’t matter at all, but Kenny matters. Cortland needs his father. Kenny needs his boog. Kenny doesn’t like to talk about any of this I know it’s the worst thing he’s ever had to deal with ( which is fucking saying something) but I wish that he could just talk rationally to his mother with rational results, which is a Fucking pipe dream.

1:44am: it strongly and regularly is really bothering me that Kenny’s mother has no intention of being kind or forthcoming with information in regards to Cortlands desperate need to know his mother and gain some understanding and peace of mind that despite being massively flawed, Amber loved him with all of her heart. It’s important that Mary not frame her as useless or unworthy of his love or as if he meant next to nothing to her. It’s important that he knows she died trying to get back to him. I think it’s possibly the most cruel act of selfish petulance I’ve ever seen in an adult to allow Mary’s opinion about Amber be what governs Cortlands feelings about her. It makes me sick that she shuts him down and isn’t willing to share basic information about his own mother simply because she didn’t like Amber. It makes me so angry on a daily basis that Cortland can’t pick up the phone and call Kenny or myself to ask questions(about anything in his life especially His mom) and that Mary uses her negative opinion of me as a scapegoat instead of being reasonable and allowing Cortland access to vital information and emotional security that only Kenny can provide. And it makes me sick that after nearly eleven years it’s inconceivable to Mary that Cortland have a positive image of his mom, as if there were nothing to love in her. As if she was nothing at all.

1:56am: every motherfuxker in this apartment has their nose to the ground digging through everything trying to find god knows what that this dude is losing track of every five minutes. Also, the next damn thing to fall on this floor at this time of night, surely startling my neighbor again and agin, is going to be flung across the room and land squarely about the head and face.

1:58am: I feel like a weak pussy ass bitch for not being totally sober, as if sobriety and gainful employment weren’t the two dragons to slay to get Boog back as efficiently as possible so Mary’s opinion and decisions aren’t the only thing shaping Cortlands perceptions and actions and feelings. It’s a fucking excuse but it’s true: the primary reason I was able to overcome my crack problem was having Cortland in my daily life and becoming partially responsible for him along with Kenny. It’s easy to say no when my days weren’t filled with self pity. It wasn’t easy, but my love for he and Kenny was unquestionably the most worthwhile reason I’ve ever changed. Without seeing boog regularly it’s hard to maintain focus on working toward sobriety and easy to fall into the habits that make the multitude of days without him seem less pointless and empty. It doesn’t make anything any better when we aren’t even 4 full months into the custodial assignment to Mary and she has made it clear that she intends to keep him for the long hall and has no interest in raising him in a way that is also agreeable to Kenny. I don’t know how to be strong and hopeful when this woman hates me so much. I feel like a useless shrivel of failure every day, and it makes me want to use. I have got to grow a fucking sack here. No matter what it takes. And I’m not sure where to begin.

2:09am: I worry pretty frequently that I am a terrible girlfriend to Kenny because we are both addicts. I want to inspire him ane I want him to be able to feel free and independent so he is capable of growing in a positive way. I don’t want to be a burden or a drain, particularly I don’t want to be a directionless succubus distracting him from Cortland. I also fear that one day he will just suddenly go cold and decide to leave me because I am lazy, jobless, depressed, codependent on him and my mother, terrible at cleaning, uneducated in doing simple tasks, indesicive, without ambition, fat, negative and emotionally demanding. And that’s the short list of my flaws. I seriously can’t fathom why he loves me.

2:17am: I am so in love with Kenny and it has only gotten stronger. I’m mystified that he even exists or would want to be in my life. He is so beautiful and special, and I fall in love with him more every day. Yet I’m the asshole who welcomed Red into our home and thus started the odyssey into hell that was 2017. Kenny is so inscrutable. His emotions are the ultimate Mona Lisa smile to me. I know he analyzes everything with a strategic eye for detail, therefore how or why would that ever lead to thinking I’m anything other than a massive fucking anchor. In my heart and mind I know that Kenny is the only person for me, it just feels right and I could lay it all out but it will still feel right to me even if the cons outweigh the pros. I can only hope that Kenny feels this way about me unconditionally as well. The last couple of days have stoked my insecurity fire because we argued and he got mad enough to threaten to leave me. He told me he was sick of my Shit and he didn’t want to keep being in a scenario where I lose my temper if it’s happening once a month or more. He told me afterwards that he didn’t want to leave me but he sounded pretty certain that he was over it. Then yesterday, we both got almost zero sleep because for the first time ever I had a bad reaction to seroquel and spent twelve hours flailing uncontrollably and being so uncomfortable I was yelling through the night. He finally got up furious and told me if I did seroquel again he’d leave me. I tried to explain that I wasn’t intentionally trying To fuck up his sleep or torture him but he still issued that ultimatum. The reason this bothers me so much is because Kenny is usually strongly against ultimatums and if given one himself he opts out completely. So I have one day of feeling insecure that he’s sick of me to the point where he wants to leave and the next day being issued one of the only ultimatums he’s ever given me. Seems like he’s fucking over it and disgusted with me to boot.

2:30am: I feel paralyzed by the thought that Kenny is done with me while simultaneously thinking that he should be done with me of being done with me means he can get boog back as quickly as possible. I guess that this is what it feels like to recognize how I’m never going to be as great of a person, a parent, a lover and a friend as Kenny is. He deserves someone far better than me. Again, I just don’t want to be the burden that holds him back.

2:34am: idk how to take steps toward being the person Kenny deserves, but I desperately want to try my best to be that person. I don’t know where to begin. I just try to be as selfless as I can, support him in any way I can, listen and understand him as best I can. But what if all my efforts mean nothing and he doesn’t want a future with me? I am not strong enough to lose both of the most important and amazing people I’ve ever known in this lifetime and just move on or try again. Losing Kenny and Cortland would be the end of me whether I killed myself the day it ended or lived another 30 meaningless years of suffering without them, like a hollow Fucking shell.