#so just write until you build a habit and base style then analyze and move from there

[internaljiujitsu]

Quarantine Coupling: Captive Cohabitation During A Pandemic

I lived alone last year. After divorcing, I got myself the nicest apartment I could and tried to make the most of my freedom. As it turns out, bachelor pads can be petri dishes for the type of depression that makes you want to jump from your thirteenth floor balcony. When my lease ended, I knew I shouldn’t be on my own — I needed to be around other people. I started splitting time between my girlfriend’s apartment and my sister’s house in Long Island. While sis was incredibly welcoming, it wasn’t an ideal situation. Gradually, the time I’d spend at my lady’s place in Forest Hills increased. Soon, I had pretty much moved in without really having a conversation about it.

By the start of the new year, we were officially shacking up. Our schedules meant we’d spend an hour or two together in the morning and then wouldn’t see each other again until nine or ten at night. We got along amazingly well. I think we both figured it had a lot to do with the limited face to face time.

Then came the quarantine. She was lucky enough to keep doing her job from home. Her workload actually increased. I could no longer teach jiu jitsu classes, but I had more time to write than before. After our morning pow wow, we’d split off to separate laptops and tap away all day. Breaks were for meals and working out. We had tightened up our eating habits before the quarantine and the changes stuck, so there wasn’t really any pigging out. We did our own thing, got together frequently for chats, hugs or gratuitous groping, then hunkered back down for some productivity. When 9pm rolled around, the time we’d normally be meeting back at home, we’d sit on the couch for some dumb TV.

It took a month for our first “fight.” I wouldn’t even call it that, because although the opportunity was there for it to escalate, it never did. Instead, we used it to analyze our own feelings and reactions. This would prove invaluable in the coming weeks, as her job became more stressful and I was exposed to a side of her I had never seen: Producer lady.

Producer lady can’t stand when people fuck up. She expects everyone to do their job and lets the world know when she thinks someone or something is dumb. She huffs and puffs a lot, and she sighs all day long. It makes for a pretty tense environment. If you let it.

There was a time not long ago that the tension would have been too much for me. I would have felt like I was being dragged out of my peaceful state by an enemy insistent on ruining my day. I’d begin to feel my partner’s anxiety, then resent her pulling me into it while hating myself for not being able to alleviate her pain. It would have lead to explosive anger and a compulsion to flee. Not so today. Disconnecting my own self image from her behavior helped me recognize her needs. The message would have gone over my head if I was bobbing and weaving the whole time.

But I also got tested in another way that I’m grateful for. When I offered ways to help relieve some of her stress, she bit back at me defensively. I was taken aback the first time it happened, then made a mental note the second time. But I didn’t react outwardly. Instead I examined the events surrounding the reaction and thought about each of our roles in the event as I perceived it, versus how she probably did. She did the same and apologized for her reaction. Then I realized she reminded me of someone. She was reacting exactly how I used to.

The pause I have learned to take before reacting to non emergencies gave me time to understand that she was being defensive when I offered advice because it made her feel inadequate or less in control. I knew because it was how I felt when I’d react the same in the past. I could recognize myself clearly.

At once, I felt regret for the way the old me had communicated and compassion for those at the receiving end. I thought about all the times I lost my temper and couldn’t really hear what was going on. Now, without being blinded by my own emotions, I could see that her behavior wasn’t about me at all — just as me offering to help her wasn’t because I didn’t think she could do it on her own, but because I wanted to make it easier on her. We were experiencing the same event differently, labeling each other the enemy in a preemptive strike to defend our own self-worth.

I the past, I felt so much pressure to do things on my own — to prove that I was self-sufficient — that someone reaching out to help became confirmation of my inadequacy. Despite countless hours of therapy, self exploration and couples counseling, my instant reaction time made it impossible to hear what past partners were saying beyond words — my preferred method of communication.

When you teach large groups of people, their are always a wide variety of learning styles that work best for specific students. The inability of a person to comprehend one interpretation of a technique does not ensure that they’ll never grasp the move. We don’t give up on a student. We retool our method of teaching so that we can reach each one of the students within our earshot.

Not acknowledging differences in personal styles of communication will sink relationships that seem perfect on paper. Two amazing people can keep missing each other as they misinterpret words and actions based on their own trauma and insecurity. The miscommunication leads to vitriolic exchanges that slowly trickle resentment into the mix. It builds up, hardening the arteries of your relationship. Things stop flowing. As my sensei used to say, “Stale water starts to stink.” Pretty soon, you’ve both gotta hold your nose to be in the same room.

We don’t get taught how to be in healthy relationships. Even if we do have a “successful” couple we can model ourselves after, often it seems as if the secret is compromise, indifference or loss of identity. Those who thrive and continue to grow, both as individuals and together, must be able to separate themselves from the reactions of their partners. The point of any relationship is to learn about yourself. You can only do that if you are reacting to what’s happening, and not what has already happened. Yes, loving someone feels great and there are tons of perks to being in a good relationship, but if you don’t discover truths about yourself in the process, it’s kind of meaningless.

Being together all the time during this global pandemic has been a sort of trial by fire. We knew we were gonna find out a lot about each other really fast. Did we really like each other? How long before we’re getting on each other’s nerves? Are we gonna have all these annoying habits that drive the other person nuts? It’s turned out to be a valuable and practical exercise to test all the theories I’ve learned, tools I’ve attained and skills I’ve cultivated over the last two decades. A passion for understanding myself has led to greater curiosity about the people I interact with and why they behave the way they do. With a captive audience of one to work with in the age of social distancing, my relationship has become a graduate level case study for me. In a good way.

There’s nothing sterile about my technical approach to coupling. It may seem as if it’s less emotionally driven, but it’s actually solely based on reading emotion for what it really is. In this way, it’s the most deep way in which one can affirm the feelings of the other person — allowing their expression while simultaneously avoiding the detrimental changes in one’s own physiology associated with elevated stress levels. You can’t think clearly when you’re angry. Trained fighters know this well. In order to understand the true intentions of the person across from you, you have to be relaxed enough to listen.

All anyone wants is to be heard, and this is what this technical approach allows for. Most people are more interested in talking about themselves than about other people. When every conversation is teaching you about you, you’re always interested. You don’t have to fake it. You genuinely want to understand the other person’s feelings because it will get you that much closer to knowing who you are and why you feel the way you do. Now is the perfect time. Dive deep into your quarantine relationships. Romantic or not, family, friends or roommates, take this opportunity to learn about yourself and each other by being mindful of your own reactions and forgiving of theirs. You’ll probably never get this chance again.

[shopgoldensoul-blog]

88 Ideas to Shake Up Your Creative Juices

Idle hands may be the devil's workshop, but an idle mind with fidgety, busy hands also has a special spot reserved in Hades.  When you're itchin' to do something great, but the vision isn't forthcoming, it's easy to become desperate for that spark of inspiration.  Don't run yourself ragged in one direction, though.  Instead, treat your brain to an unexpected experience.  Here are 88 ideas that bring my fidgety hands and creative mind into sync.

Pick one color of paint and do some monochromatic finger-painting.

Shock one, or all, of your senses. Sample a spicy new food, splurge for a hot stone massage, or experiment with aromatherapy.

Go on a hike, sans distractions, and pay attention to what you see.

Create a SoundCloud playlist of inspiring songs and begin listening.

Solve a problem. Yours. Someone else's. It doesn't matter. It will get your brain working.

Sit under the stars and give your favorites names & personalities.

Do something repetitive and mindless for awhile.

Learn a new skill in a day.

Banish distractions for an hour, including all electronics.

Try mind mapping. Here are some free resources.

Swim some laps.

Visit a museum in your hometown.

Complete a random act of kindness, anonymously if possible, and reflect on the recipient's reaction.

Browse your favorite search engine for images associated with the task you hope to complete.

Fake it 'til you make it. Go ahead and start moving, even if it's embarrassingly bad.

Create a visual inspiration board in your workspace.

Turn down the pressure and set the bar at bare minimum. As a result, anything more than basic is success.

Browse and watch a TED Talk that interests you.

Search by #hashtags on #socialmedia using keywords related to your interests.

Remind yourself what a bad ass survivor you already are. What have you already overcome?

Look up song lyrics you like and break down the writer's intentions.

Invest a little time in giving back. Volunteer for a meaningful cause/organization for a day.

Imagine you found a magic genie in a lamp and plan your three wishes. You know the rules; no wishing for more wishes.

Take a few Buzzfeed quizzes to gain personal insight.

Make a list of your 5 biggest influences, either generally or in a specific area of your life, and what factors made them have such an impact on you.

Make a digital photo collage of specific places you'd like to travel. (Take pics of your own if/when you visit these places to re-create the collage, personalized.)

Get down to the brass tacks: authenticity. Share yourself deeper than you are comfortable.

Think of one question and ask every single person you talk to in a day.

Read about personality traits of your zodiac sign.

Ask your family to describe you as a little kid.

Attend an interesting workshop or conference.

Try standing up while you work and sitting down during breaks for a change.

Pop your earbuds in and search YouTube for binaural beats that stimulate creativity, focus, and productivity. Close your eyes and listen for the ideas to start to hit.

Clean up your workspace. Organize an eyesore.

Drink a glass of wine.

Research brainstorming techniques and try them out.

Beautify your view. Spend a little time making what you see when you look out your window inspiring.

Get way down deep in your feels. Do what it takes to get there.

Write a joint bucket list for yourself and your best friend.

Attempt to cook a new recipe. Or an old family favorite from scratch.

Define your audience. Who/What/When/Why/Where are they?

Get spiritual. Pray.

Take a sunset drive in the country.

Look around for something broken you haven't thrown out yet and think of (or research) ways to re-purpose it. (You don't have to actually do it.)

Remind yourself that what other people think of you is none of your business every single time someone else's opinions or doubts cross your mind.

Really let go of all expectations for the end result, and give yourself permission to fail miserably. Not only can you not win 'em all, but, most likely, you won't fail at all. Starting is the hardest part.

Make believe you're a famous musician and design your dream tour bus. Your budget is unlimited.

Read blogs written by people you admire.

Dream big. Imagine what everyday life will look like at your highest level of success.

Purchase some inexpensive flowers and visit a cemetery. Leave them on lonely, forgotten graves. Read the names and dates of who you gave them to.

List your greatest accomplishments for a boost of self-confidence.

Dance without stopping to at least 5 songs in a row.

Dress the part. Change your clothes to those of a person who's already accomplished something you hope to.

Play a board game with your friends.

Play a board game with kids.

Teach an old dog (yourself) a new trick and feel your brain stretching.

Dig into your family history and genealogy. Find out what made you and brought you here.

Join a Facebook group of kindred spirits. Interact almost as much as you creep.

Think of at least 3 reasonable solutions to a problem. Why your dryer isn't working – how to balance the federal budget – any problem will do. The value is in the critical thinking.

Mentally plan a surprise party for your significant other. Focus on what aspects you would need to make this person the happiest.

Experience something scary (but not reckless).

Engage someone in a deep conversation. Try to be the perfect active listener.

Do 30 minutes of cardio.

Paint your nails, pluck your eyebrows, trim your beard, or do some other small grooming task that will make you feel good in your skin.

Remember why you started.

Teach yourself to roll a j, play a little Tom Petty, and have a toke.

Do something nice for someone who regularly does nice things for you.

Look through your grandparents' photo albums.

Pretend you must live in a space the size of your bathroom. Plan how you would maximize the tiny space.

Play a strategy-based game for an hour. Begin to build an empire.

Meditate for 20-30 minutes by focusing exclusively on your own slow, steady breathing. Anytime your thoughts wander into stressful territory, just bring your mind back to the inhaling and exhaling of your own lungs.

Break your ideal project into small, specific, measurable action steps that you can check off as you complete.

Click all the way back to the beginning of your social media timeline and laugh at who you used to be.

Set a kitchen timer for 10 minutes and work like you mean it until it dings.

Phone a friend. Ask what inspires him/her.

Visit a planetarium. Pretend you're in a spaceship.

Learn the art of observation. Homicide detective-style, try to notice details of your environment you never have before without disturbing the scene.

Analyze your sleeping habits. Being well-rested has a monumental effect on nearly every aspect of our beings. If you're exhausted, take a nap. Come back with both eyes fully open.

Plan your juicy reward when you finish this project.

Schedule creative tasks for the AM, when we are proven to function more effective mentally.

Read your hometown's news.

Go on a scavenger-style hunt outdoors – arrowheads, sea shells – whatever occurs naturally in your geographic area.

Drink a cup o' joe.

Don't drink so many cups o' joe that you begin to feel jittery.

Stifle one or more of your senses and attempt to complete typical daily tasks. Instead of quitting, think of innovative ways to thrive with your “disability.”

Go on an outing and photograph everything you see that inspires you.

Read about new tools of your trade and try a few of them out.

Draw or paint your pet's perspective of you. Put the view from it's eyes onto paper.

I'm always interested in refreshing new ideas in this area.  What would you make #89?