#stitching together. engineered. forced to life. etc.

[premamelody]

i love the different ways you can take like clover and flowey's dynamic

like if you think about it, flowey essentially created the version of clover that remains in the present

the moment they hit the underground, they became some sort of lab project of flowey. like how alphys created the version of flowey (asriel). the difference is that it wasn't alphys' intention other than to test how different organisms handle determination. flowey does it intentionally to reach a goal.

trials to get clover to do what he wants. trials to likely figure out clover's strengths or weaknesses to create a perfect run for them. an endless amount of trials is required with a lab with a high power.

flowey hypothesizes that its possible, or else he wouldn't even bother. only in the end after reaching more dead ends with an altered group of runs does he decided to try his chances with the next human. though he desperately tries to make clover work knowing the inevitable, the next human, frisk, having more determination than him.

this is it. this is the only subject he can test on. the only subject he can manipulate. this is especially revealed in the neutral route where it all is at a dead end. the run disproved his hypothesis and he must try again. he must try again and again until his hypothesis is true. until the run ends in him reaching the souls or a sufficient ending.

until clover does exactly what he wants, what he, essentially, made clover for.

and the poor child doesn't have any clue until its too late. that's why yellow's neutral route ending is so intriguing to me. its the realization that clover is nothing but a vessel for flowey to grow. some sort of experimental being.

an experimental being like him, like flowey.

[getvalentined]

27, 32 for Veld. 14, 17 for Vincent. 31, 42 for both.

[For the Random Character Asks game.]

27. Their guilty pleasure?

Veld really likes sleeping in. He really likes sleeping in. Especially if he should be doing something he doesn't want to do. He would stay in bed until noon if he could. He can't, of course, because he's Veld and that means he has things to do and places to be and fires to put out—work-based or otherwise—but every now and then, when he's pretty sure he doesn't have too much to do the next day, he'll intentionally turn all his alarms off, put his phone on silent, and wait for something or someone else to wake him before he bothers getting up. He always gets ready in a flash, grumbling about how he's running late and has things to do and so-and-so expected a call at eight, but it is a conscious decision on his part to do it, and he keeps doing it. Most of the people in his life know what's up, but they all play along anyway. Whatever makes him feel better.

32. Something guaranteed to make them smile/laugh?

Veld doesn't overtly express humor very often, but he's super weak to schadenfreude. He'll laugh until he has a stitch in both sides watching people get scared when there isn't actually any danger. Pranks, scarehouses, you know what I mean—that kind of thing cracks him up every time.

14. Most heroic moment?

Vincent's most heroic moment, in my opinion, is when he physically held Omega down to keep it from escaping the planet, and literally cracked it open to make sure the portion of the Lifestream it had stolen came back to ground. He definitely had no idea whether he would actually die on reentry, continue to exist in a perpetual state of atomized pain, or eventually regenerate Minerva knows where—much less whether he would regenerate as himself, physically, or just be stuck in Chaos' shape forever—but he did it. Badass. I love that guy.

17. Quotes, songs, poems, etc. that I associate with them

I have way too many songs I associate with Vincent, although there's a pretty solid sampling in the Nibelheim Doom Triangle playlist.

And here's a handful of my top Vincent songs not included in that playlist:

Little Lion Man — Mumford and Sons — Weep for yourself, my man, you'll never be what is in your heart / Weep, little lion man, you're not as brave as you were at the start / Rate yourself and rake yourself, take all the courage you have left / Waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head

Whatever I Fear — Toad the Wet Sprocket — Did we expect these things to change / By waking up and suddenly there they are? / And all I need's a startin' place / And nothing ever seemed so hard

Factories — Autoheart — I am bride and groom in a darkened room / Marrying anguish with one last wish / Will you and I make a breakthrough? / I have visited factories to see / The best way to put together me / Will you and I ever feel brand new?

Your Biggest Mistake — Ellie Goulding — Wipe the mud spray from your face / Stop the engine, stop pretending / Wipe the mud spray from your face / Stop the engine, yeah, stop pretending / That you're still breathing

All At Sea — Richard Walters — Hold me, fold me up in your arms / Faster, my love, sinking and gone / Hold me, my love / Telling me "Don't be afraid" / "Wouldn't you want me to swim?" / "Wouldn't you want me to stay?"

31. If they had a tumblr what would it look like?

I'm gonna be honest, neither Vincent nor Veld would have social media unless they were somehow forced into it by someone extremely important to them, and then they would never use it. Two empty accounts.

42. Three comfort items?

Veld: A Queen's Blood championship medal that Vincent left behind (along with all his other stuff, they lived together) when he went to Nibelheim, a ponybead bracelet that Felicia made for him at school when she was 6, and his old director's lapel pin from before he left the Turks.

Vincent: Unfortunately Vincent doesn't really have many belongings anymore, so his pool of options is very limited. Postpostcanon, Vincent keeps everyone else's stuff in various safehouses he's put together all over the planet, and at that point his comfort items include the Fenrir ornament from Cloud's pauldron, a string of beads that Nanaki used to wear in his mane, and the crown off the last Cait Sith unit, who shut down roughly one minute after Reeve passed away and couldn't be reactivated.

[engineer-makk]

9, 11 and 25 for Makk and someone else you'd like to ramble about!

9. makk is actually super squeamish around blood and cant help anyone XD best he could do is construct a healing turret for some passive wound closing?

yaria is something of an herbalist and field medic, though her skills aren't on par with an actual doctor. she can patch you up well enough to get to one.

halle had to put his skills with needle and thread to work in verdant brink after the pact ships went down, stitching wounded soldiers together. he doesn't LIKE medical work, but he can and will do his best if situations happen.

11. makks weapons have to be things he built or can do physical damage with. guns, explosives, a giant wrench he can use as a hammer, etc. hes no good at all with arcane weapons like foci or scepters, unless he can bonk you on the head with it.

marda does have daggers on her to use in a pinch, but shes kind of bad with them XD long range weapons are way more her speed

25. i played a long time in an rp guild that encouraged canon compliance, so i dont have a whole lot of non-in game magic.

makk is a pretty straightforward engineer who works with his hands a lot, though he does magic up some aspects of his gear like bombs and turrets so i can handwave him just having those things.

halle is necromancer, but has learned how to use his own life force to 'tether' someone on the brink of death and buy them time, if that counts?

yaria treats her undead minions like pets. shes named her flesh golem aloycious and usually has him out and lumbering around behind her for combat, heavy lifting, what have you. she also sometimes holds onto the 'tail' of her blood fiend for comfort, like a kid with a balloon. she tends to supplement her magic with various toxins, and she was doing that well before harbinger dropped :D

[lassieposting]

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get Doctor Nye and the Grotesquery into a relationship. Can even you manage a task this monumentally weird? Who knows, let's see.

oh my god this ask solidly fucked me up, i sat staring at it for a good like ten minutes just silently mouthing “what the fuck anon? what the fuck”

but! i shall not be defeated so [cracks knuckles] ta-da! not a romantic ship, because i don't think crenga actually understand sex or romance, but as much of a friendship as a twisted nonhuman psychopath and a dead thing are capable of:

I’m bored, so. Send me two (or more) characters for a headcanon on how I’d have them get together

so. we don’t know much about crenga, but we do know three things:

crenga reproduce asexually: bits of them drop off and grow into new crenga. this means that there's no reason for them to have evolved sex, or romance. in fact there's no reason for them to have evolved much of a social instinct at all - at their size, they'd have almost no natural predators, so it wouldn't be a "safety in numbers" thing either, and since there are no monsters resembling crenga in mortal folklore, we can assume they've historically taken an "avoid" approach to humanity rather than hunting or becoming hunted by them

there used to be colonies of crenga centuries ago: so these creatures, with no need for a social structure to facilitate reproduction, used to live in colonies. despite this, the two crenga we actually meet - mantis and nye - both seem to be entirely solitary beings with no urge to seek out the company of their own kind, and no real inclination to packbond with humans or other living things. they don't seem to get lonely. which...would kind of suggest that their living in colonies is actually driven by necessity, probably because as human populations exploded, the crenga withdrew to protect themselves, and eventually they ran out of space to run. so they're all forced into the same small spaces and had to learn to deal with being in each other's space all the time. it's not a natural state for them.

crenga have been "hovering on the edge of extinction" for as long as anyone can remember: and? why? what's hunting them? these things are like 12+ feet tall as adults, unless they're picking fights with moose or some shit, they're not gonna be threatened by much. so my theory is that, due to being forced into close quarters with all the other crenga, they're actually killing each other and some of the bits that get dropped are turning into young crenga.

so. we have nye, who at some point leaves the crenga colony, becomes a doctor, and joins up with mevolent. it gets used to being constantly surrounded by people. mevolent gives it all the tools and protection and assistance it needs to do its experiments, and it has its own state-of-the-art lab in mevolent's castle, so it learns to tolerate the constant intrusion of the people helping it.

when vengeous is first told he has to find a way to resurrect the remains of a faceless one, the first thing he does is bring it to nye. vengeous is a soldier, not a scientist. so nye gets given this massive torso and starts researching how to bring it back to life. it kills a few captives and tests hypotheses on them, but it can't figure out how to bring back the rest of the faceless one from just a torso. no, it doesn't think anyone else could do it either. no, not even with vile's armour.

so vengeous decides to create the grotesquery. and nye gets that task as well - vengeous hunts down the creature parts to attach, but nye is the one who stitches it together. and at that point in its life, the grotesquery is nye's most ambitious project. it not only has to attach all the parts - which means stitching hundreds of arteries, ligaments, etc - but it has to cook up the right proteins and cells and whatnot to give this thing a bespoke immune system, so its body doesn't just turn on all the foreign body parts. It has to attach its brain so that all the impulses and electrical signals go to the right place. nye is in its fucking element right now

of course, it's also doing other experiments at the same time. when the grotesquery isn't its main focus, nye props it up against the wall out of the way and just sort of leaves it there until the next time it wants to work on it. but there's only so much it can do at a time - there are gaps of many years where it's done all it can on the grotesquery, and it can't do anything else until vengeous comes back with the heart of a cú gealach, or a helaquin stinger. and the grotesquery is very large, and takes up a lot of space, so it gets in the way. eventually, when vengeous hits a dead end and realises he can't do anything with the grotesquery without ancient blood, nye has it moved to a warehouse to free up space in its lab, and for a while, it's forgotten about

and then mevolent is killed. suddenly nye's protector is gone, and it knows the enemy will be coming for its head. nefarian serpine has surrendered, and there are rumours that he'll be pardoned for it, vengeous is locked up in russia, the diablerie are slated to be thinking of following serpine's lead, and nye tortured, experimented on and mutilated sanctuary soldiers during the war; there's nobody to keep it safe from retribution. it flees the castle, and goes into hiding in one of its warehouses. it makes a deal with the dullahan, and starts investigating the whereabouts of the soul.

while it's there, it rediscovers the grotesquery, stashed among all the other dead bodies.

and? by this point, nye is used to having company. we've seen from its scenes with valkyrie that it likes to talk while it works. it even makes jokes. so, while it doesn't mind the solitude, it does kind of miss having someone to chat to. and now here is this project it used to be so proud of, which makes it a bit nostalgic, so it drags the grotesquery into its workspace and essentially uses it the same way a computer programmer uses a rubber duck. It talks through its process to the grotesquery, explains what it's doing, and realises its mistakes by hearing them spoken out loud.

it gives the grotesquery a voice, and a personality. who's going to judge it? it hasn't seen another living soul in decades - the dullahan doesn't count, because it is rude and bossy and headless. sometimes it has conversations with the grotesquery, or positions it different ways, so that it looks like it's chilling out around the room while nye works. maybe it puts the grotesquery in its spare smocks, because it might like a change of clothing.

it bonds with the grotesquery, sort of. like a favourite plushie. it is, quite possibly, the closest thing nye has ever had to a friend. when it hears baron vengeous has broken out of jail, it barely registers as being relevant to nye - those days are long gone, it's deep in its new experiment, and the sanctuary has left it alone thus far, so it sees no point in pining for the good old days when mevolent was in power. but then vengeous' goons turn up on its doorstep and say they're there for the grotesquery, and they get rough with nye when it protests, and they take the grotesquery away.

all of a sudden, nye's lab feels a bit emptier. it talks, and there's no one around to appreciate its humour. it misses having the grotesquery around. when nye hears that vengeous was able to bring the grotesquery back to life, that it fulfilled its purpose, it's delighted that it managed to create a creature that was capable of being revived - like kenspeckle when he built the desolation engine, it's the relief and satisfaction of a scientist at a job well done. but it also feels a bit sad, that the grotesquery was killed.

part of it wishes that the grotesquery could just come back and sit in its lab again and be someone to talk to while it works, and maybe really appreciate its jokes this time.

[docholligay]

Mother’s Day ficlets: Tracer

Everything is as within my own HON HON HON Universe, etc, etc, calm down, if you comment CONTEST IS CLOSED by I still love comments(Will be edited when closed)

“Think it goes in this way…” Bert fiddled again with the box for the cake stand, trying to figure out  the ancient engineering that made up the carboard puzzle. 

Mary laughed in a long and burbling stream as she grinned at her husband. His strawberry blonde hair was glistening in the light of the sun splashed late afternoon, his green eyes keenly studying the worn box. It was silly, she supposed, but in these moment s she remembered intimately that rush of excitement, meeting him the first time, that spark she was in him that drew her in closer. 

 “How long have you owned that thing, then?”  She set down the tea cup she’d been wiping out, but kept the tea towel draped over her arm. 

“Well, ‘aving it never made it make sense Mary, right,” He scowled at the box, “innit? No.” 

Mary walked over to where she struggled and neatly slipped the cardboard into perfect place, kissing him on the cheek as she did it. “There you are.” 

“Showing off, then?” He smiled down at her. “Terrible thing, to be such a braggart.” 

“Take it to the china cabinet, off with you.” She smacked him lightly with the tea towel. “And be a lamb and run down to the cellar for the bottle of cabernet I bought Tuesday.” 

He mumbled something in a poorly-constructed mock grumpiness about the horrible abuse he was forced to undertake for the sake of love, but hurried off into the small room off the entryway, which might have been a parlor, or a study, but mostly was just a sort of catchall and occasional guest room. 

Mary turned her careful hand back to the china in front of her, cobbled together for her small family’s happy Sunday tea, something her daughter would keep up even after both she and her husband were long gone. None of it matched, really, and some was a bit cracked, but still quite useable, Bert had assured her, and didn’t really leak. A sort of Oxton way to look at life all around, Mary had considered. Something she liked so much in them, that she never found with her own family. 

There was a wail outside the door and Lena came howling into the room, holding her stuffed sloth to her chest. Her braided pigtails were frizzy and disheveled, her sweater was dirty, her left shoe untied. 

“Lena.” Mary set down the cup. Lena was not much of a crier, even when she fell into the dirt, and for a moment Mary was worried that she’d truly hurt herself. “Where is it, love?”

But her tiny four year old was overwhelmed with the horror of it all, and could barely speak, tears falling down her face, thrusting Biscuit at her while managing a “Mummy!!” 

Mary knelt next to her daughter, and immediately saw the terrifying spectacle. Biscuit had burst a seam, and stuffing was falling out the side of him, though he smiled all the same. 

“Mummy, IURTIM!” She collapsed into another peal of tears, and Mary put her other arm around Lena, holding her tightly. 

“Oh, my girl, it’s not so bad as all that, I promise,” She kissed the top of Lena’s head, “Nothing that can’t be made right.” 

Lena nodded, still wiping her eyes, and didn’t seem to quite believe Mary, but allowed that her mother might be telling the truth nonetheless. Mary stood up, Biscuit tucked safely in one arm, and held out her hand. 

“Let’s us go up the bedroom. With a needle and thread, he’ll be as good as new.” 

Lena nodded again, slowly, and took her mother’s hand as they ascended the narrow staircase to the small upstairs that served as the living quarters. It was a nice place, and had been in the family for years, and Bert was rightly proud of it, but it was hard, coming from where she did, for Mary not to occasionally notice the close space and cracking plaster. It was only occasional, though. The house had so much life in it that it was hard to see anything else. 

“Now,” she looked down at Lena, who had calmed some with her mother’s reassurance, “How did all this happen?”

In their bedroom, Mary pulled a small mending kit out from the underbed storage, and carefully placed Biscuit on the bed. Lena held his tiny stuffed and wiped at her face. 

“I’s in the tree ‘n I fell ‘n I fell on Biscuit ‘n–” 

Mary immediately turned to her daughter. “Lena, let me look at you,” she pulled up Lena’s shirt to a few bruises forming in her side, “Oh, Lena, my girl, you mustn’t climb the tree without your father and I there, it’s very dangerous, you’ve been hurt.” 

Lena shook her head. “No, it was Biscuit was–” 

Mary tenderly touched the bruise, but Lena hardly seemed to notice. Too worked up. She’d hurt later, of course. She didn’t always notice things in the moment. 

She took Lena’s chin, staring into her wide brown eyes, still pricked with tears on Biscuit’s behalf. 

“You tell me first thing, if it hurts to breathe, or you feel dizzy, or anything, Lena. Anything. You must be more careful with yourself, all right? You’re such a little thing.” 

“Yes, Mummy, I will.” 

Mary sighed. There wasn’t much to be done, sometimes, about the way Lena simply was, whatever sort of anxiety it gave her as a parent. Her little daredevil, who suffered little from a broken arm and burst into tears when her sloth was injured. Mary took up the needle. 

“Do you want to push back in Biscuit’s stuffing?” She smiled at Lena. 

She nodded, and gently pushed the white fluff back into his body, giving him a tender kiss on the head. 

“Right. You hold his hand, while I stitch him up.” 

She ever so carefully pulled each stitch tight, trying to make it stronger than it had been before. He’d need to be washed, covered in dirt as he was, but that would have to wait until Lena had fallen asleep for the night. Lena held his hand, telling him that it was okay, and Mummy would fix him right up, and he was being very brave. It was quick work–Lena had done not so much damage as her tiny heart had imagined–and was over in a few moments, the thread knotted and snipped and Biscuit handed back into Lena’s arms. 

She looked him over, smiling happily, and hugged him tight. 

“There now,” Mary said, channeling the Oxton spirit she had come to revere entirely, “nothing so bad it can’t be repaired, right?”

Lena nodded her head insistently. 

“Right!” 

[threewaysdivided]

Idea for an Age-swap AU

We’ve recently seen some age-swap and role-swap AUs floating around the DP fandom.  The most common of these are the direct reversals, where Vlad is the teenage protagonist and Danny is the adult villain.   Now, I’m not the hugest fan of the straight-swap versions because it’s not particularly interesting or in-keeping with the canon characters.  If Danny becomes the amoral villain and Vlad the plucky protagonist then you basically just have the original Danny Phantom again, except with the characters wearing each other’s skins.

However, a version of the age-swap that keeps the characters closer to their canon personalities has great comedy potential.

Imagine this:

Young!Vlad is a disaffected but highly intelligent freshman whose ‘genius’ is seemingly unrecognised by everyone in town.  Pretty much everything sucks for him - he’s bored at home because his parents are always away on work, he’s bored in class because he finds the material too easy, the school’s head jock and posse make a policy of ruining his day, the student body president is ‘inept’, and - despite Vlad’s intelligence and apparent ability to analyse people - he never seems to make it into the spheres of the influential or popular classmates.    He’s aloof and vaguely disdainful towards everyone around him, except for his two best friends; the naive and eccentric but occasionally brilliant Young!Jack, and the beautiful and sharply intelligent Young!Maddie.  He hangs out with them partly due to their mutual interest in the paranormal, but also because Maddie is the only person in town he sees as an equal and he really wants to date her (too bad she’s always making eyes at Jack).   [If you’re looking for a reference he’s basically a cross between Sue Townsend’s Adrian Mole and Velma Dinkley from Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated]

Like in the original series, the three of them attempt to build a proto-ghost portal as a step in their research.  This one goes even worse (after all, it was built by teenagers) and Jack rushing to activate it gets Vlad blasted with way more ectoplasm than in canon.  Just like the original it lands him in hospital for a bit - but in this case only a few months.  On coming back to school he is very resentful (mostly towards Jack though he’s a bit miffed that Maddie didn’t come to visit his room while he was awake) both for the accident and the Danny-like power-problems he’s experiencing.  Although in Vlad’s case he hides them from his friends and outwardly acts like everything’s been forgiven.

As he gains controls of his powers, Vlad decides to put them to use ‘correcting’ some of the ‘wrongs’ in his life; serving disproportionate comeuppance to the jocks, subtly embarrassing Jack in from of Maddie, scheming and manipulating his way through the school’s systems, and generally messing with people to alleviate his boredom.

It basically turns into a Deathnote-like moral situation, in which Vlad is a nominal ‘hero’ on the best days and an entitled, arrogant person at worst.  He may be the protagonist but he’s sure not the ‘good guy’ of this story. (He still makes himself a vampire-style suit and goes by Plasmius in ghost-mode because despite being highly intelligent he’s also a dumb 14-year-old who unironically thinks it looks cool.)

How does Danny get involved?

While Vlad is still in the nominally-heroic part of the story (dishing out retributions to people who actually had it coming, chasing away some minor ghosts that were attracted by the portal explosion, manipulating outcomes that fix genuine problems etc.) he starts to notice an older person hanging around and following him. At first Vlad’s concerned - has someone caught on?  Is it an enemy ghost?  A rival trying to take out the competition? - until Phantom introduces himself.  Danny’s a lot of things but subtle is not one of them.

Older!Danny is in his early 30s.  His parents were some of the first modern ecto-scientists and successfully built a working portal (the source of the accident that gave him his powers) but because the hauntings stayed localised near the portal (never spreading beyond his own hometown) their ecto-research didn’t reach mainstream science beyond a few ‘professional ghost-hunters’, paranormal aficionados and an obscure branch of government that mostly just makes messes bigger in their attempts to ‘contain and study all unauthorised ectoplasmic entities’.

Despite his unease, Danny is honestly happy to meet another half-ghost. He might have reservations about actual teaching (“I’ve got an Engineering degree, not a Dip. Ed.”) but he genuinely wants to help this new kid through what he remembers being a tough period of power-adjustment and guide him to use his abilities productively.   Unfortunately, Vlad is having none of it - who is this condescending fool to tell him what to do?  In his eyes Phantom is either trying to recruit him so that he can use his power (after all, that’s what Vlad would do) or he’s an idiot for wasting such potential. Actually, he must be an idiot either way because who else would try to manipulate someone of Vlad’s intelligence?

Eventually this devolves into a cat-and-mouse game in which Young!Vlad uses his brains and abilities in attempts to manipulate his way into Maddie’s affections, positions of influence and possession of powerful items, with Phantom having to step in and ‘defeat Plasmius’ before someone gets hurt.  Unlike in canon, where Vlad mostly toys with Danny to demonstrate his superiority, Young!Vlad learning techniques from their fights is intentional on Older!Phantom’s part. Phantom really wants to give this kid a chance to turn things around, and figures that letting Plasmius experiment with his powers in a relatively safe space might help Vlad get under control and avoid the temptation to do something truly stupid.  Unfortunately, all this actually does is teach his accidental-arch-rival to be a more competent villain.

Shenanigans ensue:

Vlad deliberately creating dangerous situations so that he can impress Maddie by ‘dramatically rescuing’ her from the ‘evil Plasmius’.  What he forgets is that, under her pretty face, Maddie is a top-tier asskicker - at least a third of the time the love of his life hands his ecto-hide to him long before Phantom can intervene. He’d find it attractive if it wasn’t so humiliating.

Jack also proves disturbingly competent with his ‘anti-creep stick’.  It’s literally just a baseball bat with a cross-stitched handle and the club logo sprayed on the side but Vlad still makes a point of stealing and destroying them whenever Jack makes a new one.

Maddie concludes that Plasmius and Phantom are both evil and working together.  

Vlad: “Of course, but as the older and stronger, Phantom is clearly in charge.  If we get rid of him then surely Plasmius will leave.”

This results in Vlad doing a very careful dance whenever he and Danny are in ghost mode while Maddie and/or Jack can see them.

In attempt to ‘eliminate the competition’ Vlad considers alerting the Guys in White to Phantom’s status.

Danny: “Look, kid. Vlad. If you go to them with that intel they’re going to wonder how you got it.  I might survive - my company holds the patents for a lot of their tech - but you’re a high-schooler.  You really want to risk outing both of us?”

This is one of the few things they eventually agree on: Under no circumstances is anyone to intentionally involve the GIW.

Vlad tries to recruit other ghosts in attempt to keep Phantom distracted.

This mostly consists of him failing to intimidate Skulker with his scrawny teen stature, then flattering him into it because “surely as the first and strongest of his kind Phantom would be a much worthier prize for such a skilled hunter.”

He has more luck with the resentful Yiddish vultures, although they can’t do much beyond being a nuisance.

The Box Ghost offers his services.  Repeatedly.

Vlad travels to Amity Park in attempt to steal ecto-tech from Fentonworks.  On arrival he is horrified to see just how haunted the town is due to its permanently active portal.  He beats a fast retreat after getting cornered and resolves to come back with better plans.

Vlad returns to Amity Park in attempt to recruit more minions from the thronging masses. This is somewhat successful, but a few rogue ghosts follow him home - forcing him to try to contain the situation while hiding it from Maddie and Jack.

Youngblood starts messing with Vlad’s schoolmates (interfering with some of his social schemes in the process).  As an adult Danny is incapable of seeing him, and Maddie and Vlad’s tendency to act older than their age means that Jack is the only one with a real handle on the situation.  Eventually (to his intense horror) Vlad has to do things Jack’s way to solve the problem

Jack: “You know what V-Man, I’m glad to have you back.  You’ve been so serious these last few months, I was worried you’d forgotten how to have fun!”

Vlad: *audible teeth-grinding*

Vlad refuses to swear because he thinks it’s a sign of inferior intellect and therefore beneath him.  Danny doesn’t swear because he’s desperately trying not to teach this kid any more bad habits.

Vlad makes a deal with Technus to steal some software for use in a financial scheme. Too bad that they make this arrangement in the same week that local Information Technology rising-star Tucker Foley is invited to speak at the school’s career day.

Vlad’s plans failing because his ‘superior intellect’ leads him to over-engineer excessively complex schemes.

Danny: “You know you could just have done this, right?”

Plasmius later tries Phantom’s suggestion and Danny is kicking himself because darn it I was trying to get him to knock it off, not give him pointers.

Vlad attempting subtler social schemes (e.g. overshadowing staff and student council members to make changes).  These sometimes work but other times Jack messes up the plan with his overenthusiastic support for his ‘best friend’.

Danny eventually recruiting one of Vlad’s classmates Red-Huntress-style because look, I’m running my parents company, volunteering at the observatory and trying to keep the ghosts under control.  I can’t be constantly flying to another town to make sure Plasmius isn’t bringing on the ecto-apocalypse.

Out of respect for Vlad’s privacy Danny doesn’t reveal the secret identity thing. Instead he asks them to keep Plasmius under control and also look out for Vlad Masters because the ghost might be interested in him.

What Danny didn’t notice was that this kid really doesn’t like Masters and has a pretty big grudge against Plasmius after being on the receiving end of one of his schemes.  What should have been a simple recon job instead ends up with them aggressively pursuing an intense rivalry with both of Vlad’s halves.  They also get overzealous in their ecto-hunter task and start going after Phantom as well.  So now Danny has two problems.

Jazz Fenton (a qualified and practicing psychologist in this AU) takes a job as the school’s councillor.

While there she works to convince Vlad of the benefits of altruism, tries to wheedle him into confessing his connection to Plasmius (Danny told her everything) and attempts to foil his social manipulations.  The first two aren’t met with much success but she does get in the way of the third a few times.

For his part Vlad tries different schemes to get her fired or make her leave so that he can continue plotting without interference.

Vlad sneaks into the Ghost Zone in attempt to steal a powerful item (Ring of Rage, Pandora’s box, the Fright Knights Soul Shredder etc.).  This goes about as badly you’d expect.  Unlike in canon, where Vlad bails and makes Danny deal with it, Older!Phantom drags Young!Plasmius back by the ear because you made this mess so now you’re going to help clean it up.

Phantom: “So, did we learn anything today?”

Plasmius: “I should do more research before handling powerful objects.”

Phantom: *aggrieved sigh* “You know kid, I honestly thought you were smarter than this.”

Whether Young!Vlad eventually learns his lesson or keeps spiralling until he becomes a canon!Vlad level criminal chessmaster is something that could go either way.  

What I’m getting at is:  Can someone please do a version of the age-swap AU where Vlad Masters/Plasmius is an intellectually snobbish, overly theatrical, entitled adolescent ‘mastermind’ (who isn’t quite as bright as he thinks) and Danny Fenton/Phantom is the well-intentioned and experienced adult hero (but poor teacher) who really wants to give this kid a second chance but is getting more and more done with all the villainy nonsense.

[dilldaydreamer-blog]

PI’s gift-apalooza

((Posting it here on tumblr from Discord)) Aka: PI has no control over his life when it comes to getting fits for folks on Christmas.

Coworker Beans  WQ:  What do you get a lady who can literally buy anything she wants? 4 hour of cute kitten videos you put together to ensure it has the finest quality rumble-engines and nice music.  As well as a really cute mood ring.  Redglare: A keurig device for her office as well as an assortment of coffees for it.  It counts as police property in that sense to be legal. :Yc Sleuth:  A high quality flask with a sword and laurel leaves engraved on it and a scrap-book. Inside are pictures of lil grubling Terezi from when she was grey magicked, along with a few of the office antic photos and a few newspaper clippings regarding her graduation.   Looks like there is a lot of empty pages for Sleuth to continue on filling.  Ace:  Some toys for Latrice and a scrap-book of similar nature but with Zahhak.  That grub sure did like to nap on Ace while they both slept.  Also several gift cards to various restaurants including one that boasts "burritos the size of your head" Nuavi: A handmade knit scarf and hat of soft blue.   As well as little bandannas for all her doggos. Dame:  One of those fancy bracelets that doubles as a spy camera so she can casually snap pictures via it. Looks pretty too.  Terezi: A bag of incredibly innacurate brightly coloured plastic dinosaur figurines. You know the ones.  Also those little capsules that you put in water and turn into sponges.  As a more serious gift, he has also gotten her a cute dragon plush doll and a knitted hat. Feferi:  New cookie sheets for her lusus.  A cuttle-fish plush doll, and a sparkly little princess tiara. (the kind you would find at like Claire's) as well as a knitted pink blanket. Equius: A gift card to a hardware store because Equius seems like he would rather buy a practical gift of something he needs than some random knick-knack he would feel forced to act gracious for Egbert: That giant book of puns the anons gifted him once.  May as well send it to a loving pun loving home. Bro: Also a bag of incredibly shitty inaccurate plastic dinosaur figures. And an incredibly shitty looking winter hat to match the incredibly shitty looking scarf from his birthday. Skylla: Snacks for Lady and a nice leather sidebag for Skylla with little imprinted dogprint patterns on it. Hal: A dvd of Astro Boy with a note "its an anime about a robot! :D" but also yes, he was serious about the Kit car-bed. It requires some assembly since it had to be disassembled to put into a box but congrats on your totally mature car bed. The Tiger: He gave her the box Hal’s car bed came in.  She loves it. Family/Close “Friends” Elliot: PI is actually taking an entire vacation day and going to spend it doing a nice day with him.  Play some puzzles, have some lunch, relax as best as possible. No work or internet.  He will probably die.  He also got Elliot a scarf and a winter hat that gives Elliot little bat ears.  And a gigantic 1000 piece puzzle along with a bunch of new teas. Jude: He has gotten jude a hand-made mothman kigu.  A spykit containing a picture frame with hidden spycam + nightvision, a lighter with an audio recorder in it, a voicechanger for his phone, and cool nightvision goggles.  As well as a bunch of alien themed socks and a few jars with origami bugs in them because it was out of season for real bugs. Kassius: A few books he thinks Kassius would be interested in, as well as just a lot of home items. Cause lets face it, coming in from a undercover homeless life tends to leave a person with not much belongings. So even little things like new towels, a dishrack and personal dishes, extra clothes, a new radio, and extra blankets is just nice to have. Fin: A nice set of gold cufflinks that have 5 engraved on them. A bag of little orange gummy sharks, a shark plush that may as well be orb-shaped with how round it is, a tiny origami shark, and a photo with a note. "A while back some grey faces gave me this photo saying they took it from a priest. I didn't know who it belonged to until I saw you with your father's appearance.  You mentioned not having anything of theirs...so I hope it can bring you comfort." and it is the photo of fin's parents with a baby Fin the greyfaces gave him months ago.  Clover: Little origami 4 leaf clover. An Officer Frisky adult novelty cop costume. (He figures Clover will find it funny) set of earrings of the charm symbols (so 2 hearts, two rainbows, two pots of gold, etc) And one really sparky glitterly gold bath-bomb. The kind that just holding it you get sort of glittered. Also that book about how to sneak healthy food into common foods for picky eaters. Paint: A brightly colored hand-made scarf, and a romance novel...but also a phone contact/address with a note "I spoke with the gallery director here, he often hosts small showings of local artists in one of his galleries. If you feel capable of putting together a small collection of your work, he'd be happy to assist you in doing a show early spring since many art collectors or patrons like to check out local talent there." Dave:  A cross-stitched "IOU one good gift." that has been framed. Rex: A box of those liquor cordial chocolates and a book that contains a collection of romantic poetry from Earth.  There is a handwritten poem in there that is essentially “you suck and I look forward to nailing your ass to a jailcell” but with more flowery words and metaphors. 

[konnraelectronics]

Connector material material knowledge

When talking about the connector, it must be inseparable from the material of the connector. Different materials can bring different product performance. At the same time, the material of the connector can affect the price of the product, so understand the connector. Knowledge of material materials is necessary. The following Konnra Electronics engineers have compiled some of the materials of the connector materials. The following is a summary. Let's read them together. As shown in Figure 1, the connector insulator is commonly used Usually: PBT, nylon, ABS, PC, LCP and other materials are shown in Table 1, but in principle, materials with better flame resistance are used. A.PBT material: Generally used PBT material plus 20-30% glass fiber, with anti-cracking, anti-shock, anti-electricity, good wear resistance, low friction coefficient, good self-lubricating effect, good oil and chemical resistance. It has good dielectric strength under high temperature and high humidity. The shrinkage rate is between 0.6% and 3.0%, and the temperature resistance is about 230 °C. Good formability and flame resistance. It is a commonly used compound for connector products. B.NYLON66, NYLON6T, PC, LCP material: The shrinkage rate is 1.0%-0.3%, the temperature resistance is higher than PBT, the temperature is 260°C-280°C for NYLON66, the temperature is 280°C-300°C for NYLON6T, and the temperature is 290°C-320°C for LCP. However, it has a large water absorption, and is generally used for products with high temperature resistance and less PITCH (such as SMD, housing, PLCC, etc.) C. ABS material: It has good impact toughness, oil resistance, wear resistance, easy molding, good hardness, good rigidity and temperature resistance of about 100 °C. It is generally used in auxiliary products in connectors. 2, the common defects of injection molding and its causes Common molding defects are as follows: plastic parts have black spots or black liquid, the surface is not smooth, flashing, plastic forming is incomplete, bubble or charred,shape, stitching line or plastic parts are tightened in the mold and so on. . The main reason is divided into three parts: the factors of the injection molding machine, the factors of the mold, and the factors of the rubber compound. 3, Connector contact composition and performance Bonding material: metal joint material for plugs, generally in principle brass, but the number of insertions and removals is extremely high, and the long life of phosphor bronze, beryllium copper, etc. can be used for the following industry copper Introduction of types and sexuality 1. Brass - Alloy of copper and zinc, the total color varies with the content of zinc. A. Brass - 25~35% zinc, suitable for normal temperature processing. B. Brass - 35% ~ 45% tin, the most suitable for normal temperature processing, the copper plate sold in the market, copper rods belong to it. 2. Bronze - An alloy of copper and tin whose color varies with the tin content. Generally speaking, a copper alloy other than brass is called bronze. Phosphor Bronze - Phosphorus is added to bronze, which has anti-friction properties. However, if phosphorus is too much, casting is difficult. The composition is 8 to 12% of tin and 0.5 to 1.5% of phosphorus.

The contacts can be made of any of several alloys, depending on the type of contact, the frequency of insertion and removal, and the electrical and environmental conditions under which the connector operates. Some commonly used materials and their applications are as follows:

Brass - Although brass is a material with good electrical conductivity, it is easily deformed and fatigued after repeated bending. It is usually used as a fixed contact in an inexpensive connector or as a metal part in a connector. Connectors with brass contacts should not be used where excellent flexibility is required. Of course, due to the low cost, brass can still be used as a contact in many places.

Phosphor Bronze - Phosphor bronze has a higher hardness than brass and maintains long-term elasticity. It is often used as a material for contacts that operate at temperatures below 300 °C. For most connectors with low insertion frequency or normal bending of the contacts, the use of phosphor bronze guarantees good reliability.

Bronze bronze - Bronze bronze has much better mechanical properties than brass or phosphor bronze. The beryllium bronze part can be shaped and hardened after annealing, and can actually maintain its shape forever. It is also the most resistant to mechanical fatigue. In applications where insertion and removal are frequent and where high reliability is required, beryllium bronze is recommended.

4, copper plate partial plating

Surface processing (electroplating) of the bonded body: In order to prevent corrosion and oxidation, the surface of the bonded body is smoothed and the mechanical properties of the raw material are generally subjected to electroplating processing and various plating characteristics.

(1). The gold plating thickness is 30 μ", and the Ni plating thickness in the gold plating area is 50 to 80 μ".

(2). The gold plating thickness is 3μ", and the gold plating area is 30~50μ thick.

(3) Other:

Size: Acceptance according to the size of the order item.

Exterior:

A. Unplated surface: no oil, flat strip, non-deformable, bent or stretched.

B. Electroplating surface: smooth gloss, fine particles, no pollution and deformation.

C. Baking: Freezing -55±3°C* 30' Room temperature 10'~15'→105±2°C* 30'→room temperature 10'~15.

D. Heat resistance: 85 ± 2 ° C * 2 hours.

(4). Copper plated tin

A. Salt spray testing is subject to agreement between the parties.

B. The baking test is as follows (a 0.3 item) and the tin is up to 90%.

C. Direct tin is more than 90%.

D. Heat resistance: 85 ± 2 ° C * 2 hours.

E. Copper plated copper plated with a thickness of 30~50μ".

F. tin to lead ratio of Sn / PB90: 10 or 95: 5

G. Tin plating thickness is subject to order requirements.

5, electrical performance

A. Voltage and current rating: Voltage rating involves spacing, while current rating involves contact area and tip area, which should be used according to specifications.

B. Contact resistance: When the connector is properly engaged, a current of 0.1A DC is applied between each terminal and the PIN. The contact impedance resistance is as shown in the attached table, but if the current circuit is used, it is tested with a current of 1KHZ and 1mA. The test involves the pressing portion between the wire and the joint.

C. Insulation resistance: The voltage between the terminals and the terminal and the grounding point between the terminals and the grounding point shall be as shown in the attached table.

D. Withstand voltage terminals between each other and between the terminals and grounding points, as shown in the attached table, the voltage time test should be free of abnormalities.

6, mechanical properties

(1) Insertion force: The insertion force obtained by inserting the combined speed of 25 mm to ±3 mm/min shall conform to the specifications of the insertion force.

(2). Pull out force: pull out at a speed of 25 mm ± 3 mm / min. The pull-out force of the pull-out should be in accordance with the specifications of the pull-out force.

(3) Durability: The following requirements shall be met after the insertion of the 30 owing at the speed of (10 ow/minute) and then the test.

Answer: The contact impedance is within two digits of the initial value.

B: The pull-out force should meet the specification value.

(4). Terminal holding force: Pull the terminal out of the HSG at a speed of 5 mm ± 3 mm / min. The pulling force should meet the tensile force specification.

(5). PIN retention: The PIN is pushed out of BASE at a speed of 5 mm ± 3 mm / min, and the thrust should be in accordance with the thrust specification.

(6). Terminal riveting force: Pull the terminal out of the WIRE at a speed of 5 mm ± 3 mm / min. The pulling force should meet the riveting specification value.

7, environmental performance

(1) Temperature rise of the terminal: After applying the maximum rated current of AC to the thermal equilibrium for any joint, the temperature rise value should be 30 °C or less.

(2). Vibration resistance: In the energized state of DC 0.1A, the test is carried out under the conditions of amplitude 1.5m / m and frequency 10Hz-55Hz / Min, and the X, Y and Z axes are 3 times each time and 2 hours after each axis. The following requirements:

Answer: The contact impedance should be within two of the initial value;

B: discontinuous conduction time is below 1 microsecond;

C: The appearance should be free from abnormalities.

(3). Impact resistance: Under the condition of DC 0.1A, the test is carried out under the acceleration condition of 50g and the X, Y and Z axes are 3 times. After the test, the following requirements should be met. a: I discontinuous conduction time is 1 microsecond. Below, b: the appearance should be no abnormality.

(4). Tin-like property: immersed in a tin bath of 230±50°C for 3±1 seconds from the terminal of the terminal, and immersed in a tin bath of 230±50°C for more than 95%.

(5) High temperature resistance: after being placed in a temperature and temperature bath of 85±2 °C for 96 hours, it should be abnormal and the contact resistance should be within twice of the initial value.

(6) Solder heat resistance: from the terminal body of 1.2 mm at the reference surface, 5 ± 1 second in the tin bath with immersion self-esteem 260 ± 50 °C, the insulator should be free from abnormal state such as crack deformation, and the terminal strength should be within the specification. .

(7) Moisture resistance: 96-inch in a constant temperature and humidity chamber with a temperature of 85±2°C and a humidity of 90%~95%. The test within 30 minutes after wiping the droplets should meet the following requirements:

A. The contact impedance should be within the initial two digits;

B. The insulation resistance should be above 10MΩ;

C. The appearance should be free of irregularities;

D. Should meet the requirements of withstand voltage.

(8) Salt spray test: Place the sample at 35±2°C, and the ratio of 5±1% of salt spray, 16 hours ON, 8 hours OFF for one cycle, 3 cycles after washing with water, should meet the following Requirements, one: the contact impedance should be less than twice the initial value, C: no cracks or obvious corrosion.

(9) Vulcanization gas test: After the sample is placed at 40±2° C. and the vulcanization gas with a concentration of 50±5 ppm is used for 24 hours, the contact resistance should be within twice the initial value.

8, copper conductor related detection items

(1) Wire diameter tolerance:

When 0.10 mm ≦d ≦ 0.40 mm, the tolerance is ±0.004 mm;

0.40 mm

(2). Maximum outer diameter and minimum outer diameter difference (F)

When 0.10 mm ≦d ≦ 0.40 mm, the allowable difference ̊F<0.004 mm;

0.40 mm

(3) Elongation (soft state): the total length of the taken line is 20mm

0.10 mm ≦d ≦ 0.25 mm, elongation ≧ 12%; 0.25 mm

- Elongation = (breaking time -20) / 20

9, copper conductor related performance

The most commonly used conductor in wire and cable is copper, which has comprehensive properties such as high electrical and thermal conductivity, high ductility, good strength, and can be alloyed with other metals or coated with other metals. .

Copper conductors used at temperatures up to 300 °F (or 400 °F for a short time) are coated with tin, tin-lead or pure lead and have a coating thickness of 40 to 70 micro-inch. In addition to being used to minimize oxidation, these coatings also increase solderability and corrosion protection.

Copper wires that are used continuously (or at a short time of 500 °F) at temperatures up to 400 °F are plated with a minimum of 40 micro-inch silver, which is well exposed to higher temperatures. The silver plating layer is more conductive than the tin plating layer when the frequency is sufficiently high and the skin effect becomes high.

Copper or copper-clad steel conductors are used to increase strength, but the use of these materials is always at the expense of conductivity. For example, cadmium copper, a copper alloy containing 0.5-1.0% cadmium, has a tensile strength of 150% of copper, but the electrical conductivity is only about 80% of copper. In addition, the tensile strength of the copper-clad steel wire is 150-200% of copper, but the electrical conductivity is usually only 30-40% of copper.

Aluminum alloy is lighter than copper conductors of the same specification, but its electrical conductivity is only about 60% of copper. In addition, when exposed to air, aluminum forms a surface oxide that can form an undesirable high resistance connection. Therefore, the conductors in wire and cable are often made of copper. According to the current industry, there are roughly the following types of conductors: solid conductors, stranded conductors, and braided conductors.

A. Solid conductor - . The use of solid (single strand) conductors with little wire and cable deflection is advantageous in that it is less expensive than equivalent stranded wires and is usually used for wires and cables with solid conductors. Small instrument, backplane wiring or any similar mounting line for fixed equipment.

B. Stranded conductors - Stranded conductors are used in most wire and cable to provide better flexibility and longer flex life. From a practical point of view, stranded conductors have a longer life than solid conductors. . If there is a small V-shaped crack or similar damage, it will break as soon as it is bent a few times. However, in the same operation, only a few conductors of the stranded conductor are scored or damaged, and the remaining damaged strands still provide an appropriate service life.

C. Braided Conductors - - Flat or round (tubular) braided conductors are also sometimes used in certain applications where they are more suitable than round solid or stranded cables. The braided conductor is rarely insulated because the insulating layer prevents high deflection and the ability to slightly stretch the length due to the axial pushing and pulling of the cable.

10, wire and cable insulation

The insulation of wire and cable can be divided into two basic categories - thermoset and thermoplastic, but there are so many kinds of compounds, mixtures and mixtures in each category, so that the available insulation materials are almost unlimited. Most insulating materials consist of a compound made of a synthetic rubber polymer (thermosetting) and a compound made of a synthetic material to provide special physical and electrical properties.

(1) Thermosetting insulating materials:

Thermoset materials are characterized by mechanical stresses that can be stretched, compressed, or otherwise deformed (within reasonable limits), and when this mechanical stress is removed, can "bounce back" to the original state and shape. Since thermoset insulating materials are not susceptible to thermal softening, they do not melt, flow or deform during the added thermal and electrical overloads, which cause internal heating.

(2). Thermoplastic insulation

Thermoplastic insulation is known for its excellent electrical properties and low cost. Thermoplastics are widely used as insulating materials due to their good electrical properties due to their very thin insulation thickness, especially in high voltage cables. In addition, a cable having a thin insulating layer is generally smaller in size than a cable made of a thermosetting insulating material having the same electrical properties.

Several modified thermoplastic insulating materials can be formulated with a variety of basic thermoplastic materials. Sometimes the main change is color, but most thermoplastics have different grades to meet specific temperature, strength and environmental resistance requirements. Naturally, these materials are thermoformed, thermally softened and flowed under mechanical pressure, and then retained in their deformed shape and state after cooling and/or removal of mechanical strain.

Polyvinyl chloride insulation is widely used in wire and cable because of its high dielectric strength and mechanical strength, high flexibility and flame retardancy, water resistance, oil resistance and wear resistance. They also have low cost and convenience.

[fapangel]

We tell Merkel to go piss up a rope// So what if things got REALLY bad and we had to have a throw down with Germany and the EU forces and all the troops we have are the ones already there or near by (also including Naval forces). No WMD or Nukes allowed. How well would it go in the first 24 hours?

Oh, you mean a true theoretical “what-if” war scenario? I’ll admit I’m not very good at those - it’s very hard for me to decouple from the political/alliance angles required for “just-for-fun” comparisons. However, there’s other people out there who are good at it, so for starters, we can turn to Comrade Binkov’s analysis of a 2017 war between modern Germany and Poland. This video is a good watch to quickly acquaint oneself with the modern German armed forces. 

However, answering your question requires a knowledge of American assets already over there that I just don’t have. I’ve done extensive research on it (for making CMANO scenarios, or attempting to) and I’m still unable to find a unified resource that keeps track of what military assets are where at any given time. It’s far from impossible - civilian armchair analysts even maintain twitter feeds for this kind of thing, and stitching together sources like that into a constantly-updated picture is a job they give to the New Guy in state intel agencies - but far as I can tell, you’d have to make it your day job. I know snippets of it - we’ve been flying AWACS missions over Poland; to monitor Russian air activity over Ukraine, from bases in Norway. Norway also houses a ton of Marines heavy equipment (tanks, trucks, crew-served weapons, etc.) to enable very rapid deployment of a Marine battalion to Norway to counter a Russian push into the Baltics (soldiers are a lot lighter than all their heavy gear, natch.) But even that takes longer than just 24 hours to deploy. Plus, many of our biggest overseas bases, that are most heavily relied on as transit points to the Middle East, are located in Germany itself. So it depends heavily on if those assets are allowed to evacuate from Germany first, and how much of their support equipment can be brought with them in whatever time window they get. We’ve also got most of our European-stationed ground forces based in Germany - do they get to evacuate, or are they set upon immediately? 

Frankly, I don’t think anything would happen in the first 24 hours, because not only would we not have nearly enough assets in-theater to stage any immediate, substantive strikes against Germany, but also because Germany would be pants-on-head retarded to provoke these so-called “EU forces,” as they’d probably include France, and France has more than enough assets to make life difficult for Germany. As Binkov’s video noted, German defense spending cuts have been very harsh on their military readiness - they have good equipment, but their people are not being kept in a high state of competency with them. When your pilots log less flight hours a year than the fucking Poles, something’s amiss. From what I’ve seen posted on /k/ (take with a bucket of salt,) by an alleged German tanker, Germany’s newest, greatest Leopard tanks are sitting in mothballs because they don’t want to pay for the training programs on the new equipment. So in case of war, the older, obsolete Leopard units will be ordered into action to hold the line while other tankers are very quickly trained on the new tanks. (This brilliant plan has not earned Merkel much love from the military.) So despite Germany having top-notch equipment; a mix of NATO-alliance tech and American toys, it might overstate their initial capability a bit. 

But home-ground advantage more than compensates for this, and many other problems. For instance, Germany’s force structure is shaped around the concept of being in NATO. NATO “shares” a fleet of 16 E-3 AWACS planes, for instance; spreading out costs and time-sharing their usage (the aircraft are actually registered in Luxembourg,) so Germany doesn’t maintain an AWACS fleet of its own. On the other hand, the NATO E-3 fleet... is based in Geilenkirchen AB, Germany. See, it’s hard to disentangle Germany from NATO in terms of military assets - but, to make the point, assume the E-3 fleet is evacuated. It still doesn’t make it much easier to penetrate German airspace, because it’s their airspace - their entire ground radar network is still operable, which includes everything from military radars to air-traffic control stuff. 

So even with a lopsided force structure built around the assumption of NATO participation, you’re probably not going to be kicking in Germany’s door even with stealth aircraft. Yes, the B-2 can hit Germany from the US mainland in a round-trip strike (with air refueling,) but it takes longer than 24 hours just to prep those aircraft - and with F-22s in-theater (all six of them, last time I checked,) you’re likely to get your ass shot off flying over Germany. That’s because stealth isn’t some magic absolute; it’s relative to the other side’s detection capability. Stealth reduces the range at which radars can detect you, so the denser a concentration of radars they have, the harder it is to find “gaps” to slip through. In addition, the more radiation being pumped into the air, the more easily something up there’s detected. There’s also angles; aircraft are less stealthy from the sides (larger profile) than front or rear, so a dense radar network has more chances to get a “look” at an aircraft. So you can’t just sneak into the heart of Germany like AMERICAN NINJAS and ram an SBD up Merkel’s ass (more the pity.) Germany doesn’t have a lot of SAM batteries - ten or so - but they’re modern PATRIOT systems, which simply can’t be ignored, and then there’s the good-sized numbers of modern Eurofighters to contend with, so... no. Inside the first 24 hours the only real option is immediate airstrikes (unless you have a carrier group parked in the North Sea or something) and those just aren’t feasible with whatever we’ve got on-hand over there. A Burke in the North Sea could unload Tomahawks, but those things are not stealthy. Sure, lack of airborne radar makes their chances a lot better; as they can fly “under” most of the radar, but again, you’re attacking the homeland of a first-world NATO nation; they’ve got ground radars out the ass. Those missiles will have Eurofighters on them like ticks on a Turk. 

Offensively, Germany’s not much better off. They operate the very, very, very good KEPD 350 cruise missile (think “a JSOW but with an engine”) with longer range and less signature than a JASSM-ER... but they’d also be firing at first-world NATO homelands, and NATO members that have AWACS support, to boot (if not the NATO E-3 fleet, than American AWACS out of Norway.) And honestly they don’t have much in the way of air strike capability anyway - their Eurofighters are fine, and so is their Tornado fleet, and they do operate the HARM and such, but their EW ability is 24 specialized Tornadoes, and that’s not going to cut it against - again - a NATO nation’s homeland. So their best option would be a ground offensive against... France, I guess? Except France has not skimped on spending, and won’t have to stage emergency training of their fucking tankers, so I doubt Germany would rattle that cage. 

So... yeah. I’m not very good with these “theoretical what-if” scenarios. They always seem too much like two faghammer 40gay players comparing army lists and that’s just... not me. Morale, alliances, and above all, goals  are too embedded in actual modern warfare to be ignored. These what-if scenarios really, really require a removal of context so severe that I just can’t follow, most times. 

But, there is one last thing to speak of - the Pole Boner. When this rumble starts, Poland - as one nation - will pop a boner. Even the women. As one raging lusty dick, they will race towards the border with rifles, tanks, knives, sharp sticks and wolves balanced for throwing. No “Random Omnipotent Being,” no fiat of the scenario creator, can prevent the reality-rending, murderous, unholy glee of Poland as it moves as one soul to crash the party. 

[skkaw]

Skkawliens! Have you ever wanted to visit a galaxy far far away? Well, look no further because now you can! If you’re not familiar, Star Wars Galaxy’s Edge is one of the newest attractions from Walt Disney Parks. I was lucky enough to visit the location in Walt Disney World which is closer to the U.S. East Coast. Essentially Galaxy’s Edge in both Disneyland and Disney World are the same, one is a copy of the other, so you don’t have to worry about missing anything. If you’re planning to go and would rather wait to see what the park has in store yourself, you may want to skip this post as we do share a lot of detailed photos and descriptions from the park and its attractions.

**WARNING GALAXY’S EDGE SPOILERS AHEAD**

With that said, onward to a galaxy far far away…

Entering Batuu, the planet which Galaxy’s Edge is located on in the Star Wars universe is just like stepping into a Star Wars fan’s dream. You enter through a carved out tunnel from what looks like a solid piece of rock and when you emerge it feels like you step out into another world.

Now, one of the first things you encounter at this side of Batuu is a couple of docked ships that look like they’re just about ready to take off. The staff, also called Cast Members, in this park are very serious about their roles.  If you’re lucky you may get a chance encounter with Chewie and Rey like we did. Since they’re basically visiting Batuu for their own reasons, same as you are, they’re a bit busy doing their own things. For example, we caught Rey and Chewie working on a docked X-Wing which seemed to require some mechanical work. They were kind enough to chat with us, mind you in character, so to get the full effect you need to respond appropriately (e.g., striking a conversation about the First Order Stormtroopers lurking about, etc). Fun stuff!

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It was pretty cool to see a full-sized X-Wing! Personally, we think it would have been nice if it had wings that opened up and the cockpit allowed for people to sit inside (e.g. to take photos), but that may be a logistical challenge to setup.

The biggest attraction on this side of the park, as of this writing, is the Rise of the Resistance ride.  Unfortunately at the time of writing, the ride was not open yet. But check out the trailer below.

According to Scott Trowbridge (Portfolio Creative Executive for Walt Disney Imagineering) via a recent post from StarWars.com, Rise of the Resistance is looking like one of “the most ambitious attractions we’ve ever done at Disney.” From that article, it’s sounding to be a pretty epic ride. Rise of the Resistance is now open at Disney Parks. If you’ve experienced this ride, do leave us some comments and let us know how it went!

Next, we found ourselves walking by an inter-galactic marketplace. If it could be found within this part of the galaxy, it was probably sold here.  Be it huggable Banthas from the Creature Shop, wooden X-wing fighters from Toydarian Toymaker or a nice Jedi robe from Black Spire Outfitters. You name it, they had it! Some notable favorites: Star Wars plushies.  See the slideshow below.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I was told by one of the shop managers that most, if not all, of the merchandise, is exclusive only to Galaxy’s Edge and is not available off-world (e.g., in another park or even in the Disney shop online). With the in mind, watch your credits folks.  You could find yourself walking away with considerably less in your galactic bank accounts. You know we did!

As I said earlier, Galaxy’s Edge is full of random encounters with the characters/staff. One particularly memorable event was when a young padawan stopped a couple of Stormtroopers, shown below.

The Stormtroopers seemed a little puzzled and we could only guess what sort of Jedi mind trick this youngling performed. Suffice it to say the Stormtroopers “moved along” and went on their way and left the youngling alone. It was a heartwarming experience, and one example of the many reasons why this park is so much fun. Also, the Force was truly strong with this young one!

On the other hand, after the dust settled, we almost became the next planetary visitors to be harassed by these First Order Stormtroopers.. So we stole a quick photo, shown above, and moved along ourselves! This particular Stormtrooper wasn’t too happy about getting his photo as you can see.

Stepping out from the black hole that is Star Wars merchandise alley, from where our credits will never-ever return, we were graciously greeted by one of the most awe-inspiring views a Star Wars fan can ever see.. A full-size replica of the Millennium Falcon!

Seriously, I was half expecting Chewie and Rey to come running into the Falcon being chased after by Kylo Ren and a couple of his First Order Stormtroopers. The photos above don’t do it justice.  So here’s a panorama we compiled from a batch of close-up photos we took (side and top view),

Side view close-up panorama of Millennium Falcon stitched together with software.

Top view close-up panorama of Millennium Falcon stitched together with software.

and some additional close-up shots:

The sheer size of it is impressive! Seriously, you have to see it with your own eyes to truly get the breadth of it. The childhood Skkawlings in us were certainly justified for this visit and overjoyed by the sight of it.

After taking a million photos, we moved on to the main attraction of Galaxy’s Edge, the Millennium Falcon: Smugglers Run. This ride puts you in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon with six other people. It’s a fun ride the whole family can enjoy, provided you don’t get motion sickness (as in any type of simulation ride). Check out the official preview from Disney below:

Since this is currently the park’s main attraction (until Rise of the Resistance opens), the lines to the ride can be loooong. In our experience, the line can take at least 30 minutes, that’s if you line up when the park opens. It can take longer than an hour during peak hours. They do keep you entertained while waiting in line. You basically walk through a hanger full of space junk, jet engines and you eventually get introduced to Hondo Ohnaka, a character first seen in The Clone Wars.. Hondo, an animatronic robot, provides you with your “smugglers mission” or the back story to the ride.  The animatronics for Hondo is quite impressive, super smooth and entertaining to watch.

Without giving too much away, if you ever get to visit Galaxy’s Edge, we highly recommend your biggest Star Wars fan from your crew ride on the top right seat or the right pilot seat. This is the most exciting position as you get to manipulate most of the Falcon’s piloting controls and yes, you even get to pull the lever to go to hyperspace!

Suffice it to say, we had a lot of fun during our visit to Galaxy’s Edge! If you’re a casual Star Wars fan you can walk through the park in a single morning. If you’re a more engaged Star Wars fan like us, you could spend the entire day there. For example, we really made the most of our visit to this galaxy far far away and couldn’t contain all our adventures in a single post. See below:

A Padawan’s Adventure: Building your own Droid and Lightsaber (Part 2)

Galaxy’s Edge Night Life: Olga’s Cantina and Batuu After Dark (Part 3)

Have you been to Galaxy’s Edge or similar adventures at this Disney Park? If so, we’d love to hear from you in the comments section below.

Until next time and, May the Force be with you, always!

Check out our experience visiting Star Wars Galaxy’s Edge! Join us as we take you on a visual tour around the park, build our own droid & lightsaber, and more. We gotta say, the Force is strong with this one! #StarWarsGalaxysEdge Skkawliens! Have you ever wanted to visit a galaxy far far away? Well, look no further because now you can!

[how2to18]

“A PROTEST POETRY intended to induce funks of ambivalence.” That phrase appears in Stan Apps’s “Free Dolphin Radio,” the opening poem of Flarf: An Anthology of Flarf. While its placement may have been fortuitous (given the book’s alphabetical arrangement by author), it seems a fitting motto for the entire collection, as well as for the movement the book presents as a whole. “Flarf” refers to a self-styled avant-garde collective that sprung up around 2000 and was devoted to exploring the web, then in its “wild west” phase, as a resource for making poetry. On a private email list, its members developed a technique they refer to as “Google sculpting,” which calls for the poet to trawl the internet for preexisting language, usually by putting combinations of intentionally silly or offensive keywords into a search engine (“pizza” and “kitty,” “Rogaine” and “bunny,” “pussy” and “turtleneck”) and then creatively arranging the results into strange, funny, and unsettling collages. Voilà: “Arthur Treacher grabs my assclown / Assclown grabs my squid / Squid signs me up for the NOW Action Alert list.” (This is from Sharon Mesmer’s “Squid Versus Assclown.”)

The name “Flarf” is a neologism, which one of its founders, Gary Sullivan, defines as describing “a kind of corrosive, cute, or cloying, awfulness. Wrong. Un-P.C. Out of control. ‘Not okay.’” It is also, he explains, a verb, meaning “to bring out the inherent awfulness, etc., of some pre-existing text” (thus, one can “Flarf” any unsuspecting piece of writing). Flarf, you might say, is what poetry would sound like “if pirates pumped the stuffed-up airwaves full of dolphin hymns and rat speak,” to quote another line from that same opening poem.

In the early 2000s, Flarf was a big cartoon thumb stuck in the eye of the poetry establishment. Pumped full of “rat speak” by pirate poets sailing the high seas of the internet, Flarf poems were disjunctive works made from the ugly feelings, vulgarity, and raucous surreality that colors our everyday experience in the digital age. With language extracted from chat rooms, message boards, and the underbelly of our online lives, the poems were deliberately messy, abrasive, and distasteful. But Flarf was also ostensibly “a protest poetry”: from the start, the Flarfists explained that they were supplying a subversive response to the nightmarish absurdity and deceit of contemporary culture in the post-9/11 era. Mostly, though, it seemed custom-designed to provoke misgivings from arbiters of taste and to induce “funks of ambivalence” about its aesthetics, its politics, and its worldview from both staid cultural gatekeepers and other avant-garde poets.

The funk continues to linger over Flarf, now more a period style than a going concern. While it has been claimed as a powerful and enduring intervention in the development of American poetry, some see it as little more than an extended prank; others insist it was only a tired retread of Dada and other earlier avant-garde experiments. Some claim its practice of borrowing language from “ordinary” people on the internet (often riddled with misspellings, stupidity, racism, and xenophobia) is ultimately patronizing, elitist, a form of punching down. Flarf has been dogged, too, by ethical questions about whether the reproduction of hateful, offensive language perpetuates rather than critiques harmful stereotypes and prejudices.

This anthology will probably not put such questions to rest. For one thing, it’s not clear why the Flarfists decided to publish this collection of their work (co-edited by five of its members) now, at a time when many of the poets themselves have moved on, and the more heated debates about the movement have subsided. Is the anthology meant to provide a snapshot of a vital and ongoing phenomenon, like Donald Allen’s The New American Poetry? Is the timing of its appearance intended to suggest that Bush-era Flarf is now newly relevant in the dark age of Trump? Or is it more a bid for canonization, an enshrinement of a now-defunct avant-garde in poetic history?

It’s even harder to answer these questions because, unlike many such collections, Flarf is completely devoid of scholarly apparatus and critical framework: it has no preface or introduction, no manifestos or statements of poetics. There’s no effort to define Flarf or trace its origins or goals, no attempt to explain its methods or sketch out its intellectual or poetic investments. It is nearly impossible to tell when the poems were written, or whether any of the material in the book is new or recent, or if it all dates from Flarf’s heyday, over a decade ago. Of course the editors’ decision to remove all context and helpful framing is probably deliberate, in keeping with the anarchic spirit of the movement, which is as allergic as Dada was to high seriousness, “official” institutions, the canon, and so on. But if that’s the case, then why produce an anthology at all? At the very least, a few signposts would have helped orient a younger generation of readers who missed the Flarf moment the first time around.

What we are left with, of course, are the poems themselves, giving us the opportunity to take stock of Flarf’s achievement, as it gathers in one place many of its best-known, and best, works, including Drew Gardner’s “Chicks Dig War,” Jordan Davis’s “Pablo Escobar Shopping T-Shirt,” Michael Magee’s “Mainstream Poetry,” Sharon Mesmer’s “Annoying Diabetic Bitch,” K. Silem Mohammad’s “Mars Needs Terrorists,” and selections from Katie Degentesh’s The Anger Scale. Left to fend for themselves, these poems do make a sort of argument for Flarf’s value, and relevance. From the vantage point of 2018, Flarf can be seen as a compelling extension of the long, vital tradition of avant-garde collage, appropriation, and remix, updated for the internet age in intriguing ways. The best Flarf poems use the resources of search-engine technology to capture the exuberance, the strangeness, and the cracked beauty of what Anne Boyer calls our “electronic vernacular.” Jordan Davis suggests as much in one poem when he writes, “‘What I love about the chat rooms / Is that they’re already halfway to poetry, / What’s poetry but lines, what’s a chatroom,’ / He started rubbing the squid.” Where else can one find a poem titled “Humanism Is Cheese” or another with lines like these: “Phoenix is the land of milk dowsers, / and I’ve always been / a wolverine bunny cage xenocide forum asshole”? The poems teem with a density of reference, evincing the strange magnetic power of labels, names, and data in a culture drowning in signifiers: “Dag Hammarskjold rolls off our lips as easily as Lassie,” Boyer writes. “I just killed the Pillsbury dough boy,” the speaker of one of Gardner’s poems announces, before quickly bouncing off toward Terry Gross, “Charman” Mao, Shelley Duvall, Wallace Stevens, Minnie Driver, and Dan Rather.

Other poems crackle with the upending of clichés (“Same old job, / same old Diplodocus bong water orgy” — Gardner again). They frequently delight in the twisting of expectations, as in these lines by Mohammad, where the hackneyed language of romance is infused with militarism and violence:

love is a Pakistani Mirage fighter jet frozen, strange like it had, you know, bubonic plague

I’m a bit less crazy about Flarf’s fondness for goofy, supposedly “transgressive” scatology and the sometimes exhausting levels of zaniness — poems where we learn that “I have to conduct snot viscosity experiments / with ass-lint,” (Mitch Highfill) and so on. But although the movement has been maligned for focusing too much on play and hijinks, for being just a bunch of friends “fucking around with google on the man’s dime” (as Gardner himself once put it), Flarf can in fact be fiercely political: poem after poem takes aim at toxic masculinity, American warmongering and imperialism, virulent racism, the intersections between porn and rape culture, and the penetration of neoliberal capitalism into every sphere of daily life. I fully expected to find that revisiting Flarf at this particular historical moment would feel like stepping out of the Tardis into the now distant days of “Shock and Awe,” where John Ashcroft makes jokes about Abu Ghraib over the sound of Howard Dean’s scream and ends up in a spider hole of denial. But many of the poems feel surprisingly timely, very much in touch with our own batshit zeitgeist. “I hate the high levels of jerk war around here,” Gardner writes in “Skylab Wolverine Bunny Cage Nub” (Twitter, anyone?). Benjamin Friedlander’s potent poem “When a Cop Sees a Black Woman” has a different charge in a post-Ferguson world:

            Black hair is more fragile than most.

It requires TLC when a cop sees a black women he can’t think

everything through. She is the shiznit. She tempts and she taunts. She speaks in a bold

outspoken manner. But bypassing a metal detector, his forced and never-bending

monotone drone is not a factor in her arrest.

The same could be said of Gardner’s “How to Watch a Police Beating,” which follows its title with these scathing opening lines: “First off, there should be two sets of laws — / act like an ox and try not to be nonwhite…”

Other poems repurpose gender codes and tropes in ways that resonate powerfully in the #MeToo era. Consider Nada Gordon’s “I Love Men” (“I love men, but they wear me out with all their confusing issues. One day they / say they love you and the next they see someone with bigger ass. // I love men, muscles, sex, porn, and chocolate”). Or Katie Degentesh’s “I Was Horny,” which stitches together a series of found statements, substituting the word “boy” for “owl,” creating an affecting, creepy commentary on predatory masculinity and the culture that fosters it:

Boys are interesting creatures.

[…]

The boys tear their prey, swallow it whole, and spit up pellets. They prey on small things. Boys fly silently. They see well in the dark, hunt at night and sleep in the daytime. They scare others by fluffing up.

[…]

I hope boys never go extinct and I hope they never get endangered. I love boys.

¤

In the decade and a half since Flarf emerged, strategies of appropriation of the sort these poets deploy have spread far and wide. It is worth noting that they have proven particularly useful as vehicles of political critique and dissent for a long list of poets of color not affiliated with the (largely white) Flarf coterie itself, who have seized on such tools to create works that take aim at racism, US foreign policy, police brutality, oppression, and misogyny, often more directly and powerfully than Flarf. In her award-winning collection Look, for example, Solmaz Sharif incorporates euphemistic phrases from a Department of Defense manual but scrutinizes, dismantles, and subverts them, redeploying this found material for both intimate personal reflection and for expressing coruscating outrage at contemporary racism, xenophobia, and anti-Muslim policies. I would recommend reading this anthology of Flarf alongside other contemporary poets like Sharif, Tracy K. Smith, Robin Coste Lewis, Philip Metres, Layli Long Soldier, Shane McCrae, and Tyehimba Jess to get a fuller sense of the ends to which such tactics have been put in recent poetry.

Faced with the daily calamity of the Bush years, Flarf testified that verbal play, and the creative détournement of our culture’s own language, could be a liberating act of resistance. Its antics were a valuable method of pushing back against what Wallace Stevens called, in another dark time, the almost unbearable “pressure of reality.” Perhaps right now we desperately need art forms that can seize on the language of our time, expose its absurdity, its deceit, and its sinister designs on us, and repurpose it for different ends. But in 2018, the online culture of misogyny, racism, stupidity, and hatred that Flarf exposed doesn’t need much further unearthing: it seems to be everywhere. As we gasp for air and sanity in the depths of Trumpworld, Flarf seems prescient but also somewhat redundant. To paraphrase Man Ray’s famous remark about why Dada could not survive in New York: Flarf cannot live in America. All America is Flarf, and will not tolerate a rival.

¤

Andrew Epstein is the author, most recently, of Attention Equals Life: The Pursuit of the Everyday in Contemporary Poetry and Culture.

The post Funks of Ambivalence: On Flarf appeared first on Los Angeles Review of Books.

from Los Angeles Review of Books https://ift.tt/2LBSmbD via IFTTT

[topmixtrends]

“A PROTEST POETRY intended to induce funks of ambivalence.” That phrase appears in Stan Apps’s “Free Dolphin Radio,” the opening poem of Flarf: An Anthology of Flarf. While its placement may have been fortuitous (given the book’s alphabetical arrangement by author), it seems a fitting motto for the entire collection, as well as for the movement the book presents as a whole. “Flarf” refers to a self-styled avant-garde collective that sprung up around 2000 and was devoted to exploring the web, then in its “wild west” phase, as a resource for making poetry. On a private email list, its members developed a technique they refer to as “Google sculpting,” which calls for the poet to trawl the internet for preexisting language, usually by putting combinations of intentionally silly or offensive keywords into a search engine (“pizza” and “kitty,” “Rogaine” and “bunny,” “pussy” and “turtleneck”) and then creatively arranging the results into strange, funny, and unsettling collages. Voilà: “Arthur Treacher grabs my assclown / Assclown grabs my squid / Squid signs me up for the NOW Action Alert list.” (This is from Sharon Mesmer’s “Squid Versus Assclown.”)

The name “Flarf” is a neologism, which one of its founders, Gary Sullivan, defines as describing “a kind of corrosive, cute, or cloying, awfulness. Wrong. Un-P.C. Out of control. ‘Not okay.’” It is also, he explains, a verb, meaning “to bring out the inherent awfulness, etc., of some pre-existing text” (thus, one can “Flarf” any unsuspecting piece of writing). Flarf, you might say, is what poetry would sound like “if pirates pumped the stuffed-up airwaves full of dolphin hymns and rat speak,” to quote another line from that same opening poem.

In the early 2000s, Flarf was a big cartoon thumb stuck in the eye of the poetry establishment. Pumped full of “rat speak” by pirate poets sailing the high seas of the internet, Flarf poems were disjunctive works made from the ugly feelings, vulgarity, and raucous surreality that colors our everyday experience in the digital age. With language extracted from chat rooms, message boards, and the underbelly of our online lives, the poems were deliberately messy, abrasive, and distasteful. But Flarf was also ostensibly “a protest poetry”: from the start, the Flarfists explained that they were supplying a subversive response to the nightmarish absurdity and deceit of contemporary culture in the post-9/11 era. Mostly, though, it seemed custom-designed to provoke misgivings from arbiters of taste and to induce “funks of ambivalence” about its aesthetics, its politics, and its worldview from both staid cultural gatekeepers and other avant-garde poets.

The funk continues to linger over Flarf, now more a period style than a going concern. While it has been claimed as a powerful and enduring intervention in the development of American poetry, some see it as little more than an extended prank; others insist it was only a tired retread of Dada and other earlier avant-garde experiments. Some claim its practice of borrowing language from “ordinary” people on the internet (often riddled with misspellings, stupidity, racism, and xenophobia) is ultimately patronizing, elitist, a form of punching down. Flarf has been dogged, too, by ethical questions about whether the reproduction of hateful, offensive language perpetuates rather than critiques harmful stereotypes and prejudices.

This anthology will probably not put such questions to rest. For one thing, it’s not clear why the Flarfists decided to publish this collection of their work (co-edited by five of its members) now, at a time when many of the poets themselves have moved on, and the more heated debates about the movement have subsided. Is the anthology meant to provide a snapshot of a vital and ongoing phenomenon, like Donald Allen’s The New American Poetry? Is the timing of its appearance intended to suggest that Bush-era Flarf is now newly relevant in the dark age of Trump? Or is it more a bid for canonization, an enshrinement of a now-defunct avant-garde in poetic history?

It’s even harder to answer these questions because, unlike many such collections, Flarf is completely devoid of scholarly apparatus and critical framework: it has no preface or introduction, no manifestos or statements of poetics. There’s no effort to define Flarf or trace its origins or goals, no attempt to explain its methods or sketch out its intellectual or poetic investments. It is nearly impossible to tell when the poems were written, or whether any of the material in the book is new or recent, or if it all dates from Flarf’s heyday, over a decade ago. Of course the editors’ decision to remove all context and helpful framing is probably deliberate, in keeping with the anarchic spirit of the movement, which is as allergic as Dada was to high seriousness, “official” institutions, the canon, and so on. But if that’s the case, then why produce an anthology at all? At the very least, a few signposts would have helped orient a younger generation of readers who missed the Flarf moment the first time around.

What we are left with, of course, are the poems themselves, giving us the opportunity to take stock of Flarf’s achievement, as it gathers in one place many of its best-known, and best, works, including Drew Gardner’s “Chicks Dig War,” Jordan Davis’s “Pablo Escobar Shopping T-Shirt,” Michael Magee’s “Mainstream Poetry,” Sharon Mesmer’s “Annoying Diabetic Bitch,” K. Silem Mohammad’s “Mars Needs Terrorists,” and selections from Katie Degentesh’s The Anger Scale. Left to fend for themselves, these poems do make a sort of argument for Flarf’s value, and relevance. From the vantage point of 2018, Flarf can be seen as a compelling extension of the long, vital tradition of avant-garde collage, appropriation, and remix, updated for the internet age in intriguing ways. The best Flarf poems use the resources of search-engine technology to capture the exuberance, the strangeness, and the cracked beauty of what Anne Boyer calls our “electronic vernacular.” Jordan Davis suggests as much in one poem when he writes, “‘What I love about the chat rooms / Is that they’re already halfway to poetry, / What’s poetry but lines, what’s a chatroom,’ / He started rubbing the squid.” Where else can one find a poem titled “Humanism Is Cheese” or another with lines like these: “Phoenix is the land of milk dowsers, / and I’ve always been / a wolverine bunny cage xenocide forum asshole”? The poems teem with a density of reference, evincing the strange magnetic power of labels, names, and data in a culture drowning in signifiers: “Dag Hammarskjold rolls off our lips as easily as Lassie,” Boyer writes. “I just killed the Pillsbury dough boy,” the speaker of one of Gardner’s poems announces, before quickly bouncing off toward Terry Gross, “Charman” Mao, Shelley Duvall, Wallace Stevens, Minnie Driver, and Dan Rather.

Other poems crackle with the upending of clichés (“Same old job, / same old Diplodocus bong water orgy” — Gardner again). They frequently delight in the twisting of expectations, as in these lines by Mohammad, where the hackneyed language of romance is infused with militarism and violence:

love is a Pakistani Mirage fighter jet frozen, strange like it had, you know, bubonic plague

I’m a bit less crazy about Flarf’s fondness for goofy, supposedly “transgressive” scatology and the sometimes exhausting levels of zaniness — poems where we learn that “I have to conduct snot viscosity experiments / with ass-lint,” (Mitch Highfill) and so on. But although the movement has been maligned for focusing too much on play and hijinks, for being just a bunch of friends “fucking around with google on the man’s dime” (as Gardner himself once put it), Flarf can in fact be fiercely political: poem after poem takes aim at toxic masculinity, American warmongering and imperialism, virulent racism, the intersections between porn and rape culture, and the penetration of neoliberal capitalism into every sphere of daily life. I fully expected to find that revisiting Flarf at this particular historical moment would feel like stepping out of the Tardis into the now distant days of “Shock and Awe,” where John Ashcroft makes jokes about Abu Ghraib over the sound of Howard Dean’s scream and ends up in a spider hole of denial. But many of the poems feel surprisingly timely, very much in touch with our own batshit zeitgeist. “I hate the high levels of jerk war around here,” Gardner writes in “Skylab Wolverine Bunny Cage Nub” (Twitter, anyone?). Benjamin Friedlander’s potent poem “When a Cop Sees a Black Woman” has a different charge in a post-Ferguson world:

            Black hair is more fragile than most.

It requires TLC when a cop sees a black women he can’t think

everything through. She is the shiznit. She tempts and she taunts. She speaks in a bold

outspoken manner. But bypassing a metal detector, his forced and never-bending

monotone drone is not a factor in her arrest.

The same could be said of Gardner’s “How to Watch a Police Beating,” which follows its title with these scathing opening lines: “First off, there should be two sets of laws — / act like an ox and try not to be nonwhite…”

Other poems repurpose gender codes and tropes in ways that resonate powerfully in the #MeToo era. Consider Nada Gordon’s “I Love Men” (“I love men, but they wear me out with all their confusing issues. One day they / say they love you and the next they see someone with bigger ass. // I love men, muscles, sex, porn, and chocolate”). Or Katie Degentesh’s “I Was Horny,” which stitches together a series of found statements, substituting the word “boy” for “owl,” creating an affecting, creepy commentary on predatory masculinity and the culture that fosters it:

Boys are interesting creatures.

[…]

The boys tear their prey, swallow it whole, and spit up pellets. They prey on small things. Boys fly silently. They see well in the dark, hunt at night and sleep in the daytime. They scare others by fluffing up.

[…]

I hope boys never go extinct and I hope they never get endangered. I love boys.

¤

In the decade and a half since Flarf emerged, strategies of appropriation of the sort these poets deploy have spread far and wide. It is worth noting that they have proven particularly useful as vehicles of political critique and dissent for a long list of poets of color not affiliated with the (largely white) Flarf coterie itself, who have seized on such tools to create works that take aim at racism, US foreign policy, police brutality, oppression, and misogyny, often more directly and powerfully than Flarf. In her award-winning collection Look, for example, Solmaz Sharif incorporates euphemistic phrases from a Department of Defense manual but scrutinizes, dismantles, and subverts them, redeploying this found material for both intimate personal reflection and for expressing coruscating outrage at contemporary racism, xenophobia, and anti-Muslim policies. I would recommend reading this anthology of Flarf alongside other contemporary poets like Sharif, Tracy K. Smith, Robin Coste Lewis, Philip Metres, Layli Long Soldier, Shane McCrae, and Tyehimba Jess to get a fuller sense of the ends to which such tactics have been put in recent poetry.

Faced with the daily calamity of the Bush years, Flarf testified that verbal play, and the creative détournement of our culture’s own language, could be a liberating act of resistance. Its antics were a valuable method of pushing back against what Wallace Stevens called, in another dark time, the almost unbearable “pressure of reality.” Perhaps right now we desperately need art forms that can seize on the language of our time, expose its absurdity, its deceit, and its sinister designs on us, and repurpose it for different ends. But in 2018, the online culture of misogyny, racism, stupidity, and hatred that Flarf exposed doesn’t need much further unearthing: it seems to be everywhere. As we gasp for air and sanity in the depths of Trumpworld, Flarf seems prescient but also somewhat redundant. To paraphrase Man Ray’s famous remark about why Dada could not survive in New York: Flarf cannot live in America. All America is Flarf, and will not tolerate a rival.

¤

Andrew Epstein is the author, most recently, of Attention Equals Life: The Pursuit of the Everyday in Contemporary Poetry and Culture.

The post Funks of Ambivalence: On Flarf appeared first on Los Angeles Review of Books.

from Los Angeles Review of Books https://ift.tt/2LBSmbD

[bythemotorway]

A sketchy strategy for better Auckland cycling

 Another Twitter user asked again what my alternative strategy would be for urban cycling development in Auckland, after I summarized the status quo as “neglect”.

Really? Given that political support for cycling is thin, what's your strategy?

— PatrickMorgan (@patrickmorgan)

November 19, 2017

I’ve never properly articulated my “alternative strategy” for a number of reasons.

One: I’m still learning, as I have been for over a decade, so never felt comfortable or able to capture it in a pithy listicle. Mostly I have had several contentions and contradictions with the status quo, but no grand unified theory. I am only slightly more confident in boiling things down and assembling relations between relevant domain-specific ideas now.

Two: the thing we call a “strategy” is itself a limited structure woven into a wider structure of funding, statutes, norms, governance, professional practice, etc. An alternative strategy may not neatly replace the status quo; it may seek to alter other things too.

Three: I object in principle to the argument often said or implied along with the question of what is my alternative, that I should have an alternative, and/or should not criticize the status quo. I do not want to encourage this view. As a victim, it is fine and proper to find fault with the perpetrator, while remaining free of the burden of solving it by oneself.

With that said, here is a sampling of alternative rules to consider when constructing a better Auckland urban cycling strategy (as well as culture and practice in design and governance). It is by no means complete, but at least names some key principles that do existentially contradict the status quo and point to a new way.

(Note: this post is likely to be edited often…)

STREETS FOREMOST

Prioritize bike-enabling streets—the familiar ones with names and front doors we know and love (not new paths out of the way). Main streets first; local streets next (weighted by destination and demographics, e.g. school streets); short off-street paths to heal severance. And lastly build new trails and paths by the motorway etc., if and when the network optimization is useful in the context of a maturing bikeable street grid.

HEAL THE STREET GRID

Build many new paths across (not alongside) motorways to heal severance. Auckland's street grid was sliced up but can be healed slowly. More bike-and-pedestrian only bridges and underpasses to restore the urban fabric relatively cheaply.

Take care to see whether new bridges and underpasses actually do cross a motorway and heal severance. Auckland currently has a few bike-and-pedestrian bridges and underpasses near motorways that either do not even cross the traffic chasm or do not stitch two streets together.

Special case: build SkyPath and similar projects traversing large natural geographical barriers that the fine-grained street grid cannot cover in the first place.

Sidenote on recovering motorways: although the street grid can be patched up relatively cheaply by re-stitching street links across the grain of motorway corridors, still more should be done. Motorways should be removed. This may well be a long-term goal (the stuff of "aspiration") but it must be a goal. Eradication of core urban motorways (gradually over time) should help orient other transport and place-making development projects so they are not built to rely on the security of a motorway corridor designation to fund and guarantee their own existence. Expensive compromises such as undergrounding, covering or hiding motorways may be considered but probably won't stack up anyway.

STREET JUNCTIONS FIRST

Especially tackle street junctions first, supporting protected movement in all directions. Embrace intersections, don't defer it for later when building on-street separated cycleways. Seek out intersections like they are magnetic and fix them for all crossing/turning movements along any corridor under consideration. Dollar for metre, aim to fix paths through junctions before adding linear metres of cycleway. Junctions are both peak pain points, as well as multiplicatively beneficial in connectivity terms, for urban users. More linear paths (i.e. straight through movements) are easier for designers to execute but that's not user-centric. Prefer user-centric values.

GOOD GRIDS

Design networks in grids that span meaningful catchments across neighbourhoods, closing over destinations like schools and PT stops/stations, connected via streets with bike-enabled junctions. Dollar for metre, a cross-route forming a grid (via a bikeable junction) is more important than a linear extension of an existing route.

A good grid maximizes three features.

It aims to have a high intersection density, as that provides multiplicative connectivity for more people taking more kinds of trips in the same area. (Hint: this is important also for encouraging social diversity, as demographics affect trip types.)

A good grid maximizes frontage exposure—more front doors facing the cycleway, rather than tucking the bike path out the back away from the life of the street, where one might ride at eye-level and (serendipitously) bump into other people (cycling or not) or encounter opportunities.

A well-designed grid maintains its own identity in its details: it might have a consistent appearance (e.g. color) or standardized affordances for interacting with it, and should be clear to all types of users (cycling or not) at all points, what the purpose and function and priority of the infrastructure is. It shouldn’t look and feel fragmented, ad hoc, ambiguous and inconsistent.

LOCAL MOBILITY

Widen the unit of work in planning from occasional and opportunistic silos of "cycle improvements" to a "local mobility plan" for an area or suburb. Adjusting motoring priority should be on the table, as well as truly integrating with PT.

Use participatory design, not one-way consultation, to devise a bike-inclusive (not bike-only) local mobility plan. An illustration is in a previous post on reframing cycling projects in Auckland.

BUSINESS AS UNUSUAL

Opportunistic improvements should be carried out under the business-as-usual programmes of maintenance, operations and safety. Is an old road getting resurfaced? It should have appropriate cycle infrastructure when relaid (junctions first).

NEW STANDARDS AND RULES

Acknowledge and dispose of old design standards that allow professionals to sign off on crap cycling infrastructure like bike boxes, filter lanes, sharrows, etc.

STOP VICTIM BLAMING

Addressing the “demand side” of the equation by browbeating users and potential users of bikes is just wrong. This currently takes the form of carrots and sticks. Some carrots are actually sticks in disguise. Marketing campaigns are not safety measures. Bike breakfasts are futile. The very notion of “confidence” when cycling is problematic.

An ethical system designer would first aim to maximize the supply of good quality structural features and allow untrained and uncoached to maximize benefit (while being safe). Only after exhausting that approach would a system designer seek to patch gaps and harness risk by resorting to “training” and “education” measures. Active measures are less scalable and less robust; whereas passive measures (such as encoding desired behaviour as design cues in concrete and asphalt) can both incentivize and disincentivize more effectively.

BE USER-CENTRIC

This theme has appeared under other headings above already, but it is worth highlighting on its own. Much of the planning and projects carried out under the status quo regime follow designer-centric thinking. They are constrained and optimized at all levels (from scope to detail) by what is (for some value of…) "easiest" or "feasible" or "affordable". Generally it reduces to what the designer(s) find most convenient to service among the leftovers after satisfying other priorities (be it motoring or transit). It is easy to dismiss this as a political problem of funding or vision, but the fact that the same bias shows up time and again even in the details of a design (well within the control of the engineer or planner), shows that designer-centric thinking is rife among those professions too.

A user-centric approach would change how things are valued at all levels.

In a city-wide sense, it might mean actually weighting and prioritizing places to intervene based on where more users are located and/or travelling, rather than allocating resources by their legal source (e.g. NZTA money implies a motorway corridor route selection).

At the other extreme, in a detailed design sense, it means that the designer ought to consider what the user really needs: not a splash of paint or a pacifying bike symbol, but rather to minimize ambiguity, distress, and acts of improvisation under duress.

Acts of improvisation under duress are the worst, as they give rise to stress and risk-taking behaviour. Too much new infrastructure still forces users to act like this. For example, a separated on-street cycleway may only support straight-through and left-turn movements, completely shunning the right-turn maneuver (the most fraught of all). Users who do (reasonably) want to travel in that direction are forced to improvise: either exit the cycle facility to ride among vehicle traffic, or emulate a pedestrian, or run against signals, etc.

The act in itself is bad, but even anticipating it is terrible. This is a strong disincintive against cycling. Potential users may avoid riding because of the hostility of the street environment; which is technically represented by improvisational nature of the public realm for cycling (under duress: high traffic speeds, unseparated spaces, close distances, etc).

The gap is particularly stark to practitioners of design in other domains, such as interaction designers, user experience designers, product designers, etc. There appears to be a major shortcoming in professional expertise of relevant engineering fields and even many spatial designers. Some understanding of those other design practices is required among those who make our public spaces, particularly walking and cycling infrastructure. There are ways to study, qualitatively analyze, even quantitatively measure, test, validate and verify the efficacy of designs from a user-centric perspective. There are evidence-based review and maintenance practices that can help influence engineering and planning, if they would only allow it.

There is a whiff of some of this in each new project, such as the Grey Lynn cycle improvements most recently. But that's far from enough. Far, far, far from enough.

[yhteong]

Is This The Future Of Real Estate Marketing?

While traditional forms of marketing real estate fizzle out, a new era of digital marketing has dawned. Thanks to the global connectivity of the internet, people no longer have to turn to traditional media to market a home or condo or any other form of real estate. Gone are the days where consumers lack transparency into a market that once used to confuse and perplex everyday average individuals looking to buy or sell a home.

No. Today, consumers are savvy. As the internet has evolved, so has our unfettered access to information across the spectrum. In turn, the real estate market, which has been one of the most lucrative and profitable lines of business since the dawn of time, has seen an explosive growth of agents and owners vying for the buyer's attention through any form of digital marketing means.

Yet, like every other highly-saturated field, it's no longer simple to gain the customer's awareness. They've learned to weed out the nuisances and cancel the noise as they search for the perfect home on the web. With fierce competition in the marketplace, potential home buyers are armed with all the data they could possibly need, forcing real estate agents to compete and set themselves apart more fortuitously than before.

The truth? It's difficult to market a home on the internet. It's become excruciatingly painful to set yourself apart from the fray. With the biggest players in the market aggregating themselves through sites like Zillow, Trulia and others, most have come to realize that real estate marketing is an extremely complex field that requires weaving together a number of online marketing disciplines such as blogging, social media and search engine optimization, just to name a few.

While much of this has little to do with the everyday consumer, real estate agents are constantly searching for ways they can gain an edge in digital real estate marketing. To that effect, I pondered the question for a while about the future of real estate marketing. I wondered what realtors and owners were doing to set themselves apart in such a convoluted and competitive online space.

In a recent article where I covered virtual reality's impact on three different industries, one of those industries that I covered was real estate. The key player in that industry? Matterport. By far, this is one of the most innovative and impressive companies that I have come across and I wanted to dive in further to learn more about the product behind the company.

If you've never heard of Matterport, then prepare to be impressed. Their camera captures a 3D-dollhouse rendering of any space that can be toured and viewed, not only in virtual reality, but across any device. When real estate agents and home owners are looking for an edge in marketing their homes, condos, offices, yachts and anything else for that matter, they turn to Matterport.

I'm not often this impressed by a company's product or services. I've not been paid to endorse them and have no deals whatsoever in place. Yet, as a digital marketing sleuth and someone who is acutely vested in the real estate industry, I am always looking for the next best thing, so to speak.

In a brief conversation with Bill Brown, CEO of the company, he informed me that "Matterport’s mission is to give people the freedom to experience any place at any time...  establishing 3D and VR models as a primary medium for experiencing, sharing, and re-imagining the world."

So to ensure that I sated my ongoing lust for information about the company's product, I reached out. The otherwise-expensive camera that the company provides is at the center of its technology. With its previous iteration hovering around the $5,000 mark (recently reduced to $3,600), some would consider this a significant investment. So, I wanted to give a test drive on my own. I wanted to see what all this hype was about.

Matterport came through. I reached out and was connected with Sibyl Chen and Chris Hoang, who graciously shipped me a loaner camera to put the tech to firsthand use. The goal? I wanted to see just how difficult it was to capture a space in 3D. I wanted to know if this really was the cutting edge tech that lived up to all the hype. If you've never seen a Matterport scan or 'flown through' a Matterport home, then you can see a variety of examples in their gallery, here.

Chen informs me that Matterport has captured over 400,000 spaces in over 70 countries. This includes not only traditional real estate in the form of homes and condos, but also commercial real estate, hotels, retail shops, restaurants and even historical museums and other landmarks around the world. In total, these spaces have received over 100,000,000 million views. Here are some of the most interesting things that have been done with these spaces:

Real estate transactions (on homes with prices points as high as $8million)

Vacation rental bookings all over the world

Venue booking for corporate events, wedding, etc

Education of telemarketing staff on features in different hotels they “support”

Communications with facilities staff to to support maintenance needs

Construction documentation for commercial buildings

As built capture of major commercial buildings

Journalistic and immersive storytelling of culturally or historically significant real world locations (e.g. Iraq bomb site, Rosa Parks Bus, Martin Luther King church)

Interactive walk throughs of TV sets (e.g. Seinfeld set)

What Is Real Estate Marketing?

Okay, before I dive into my review of the Matterport system and capturing a space in 3D that can even be viewed in virtual reality, let's look at what real estate marketing actually is. Today, when we're talking about real estate marketing, we're primarily discussing online marketing in the digital realm.

For those that are acclimated to online marketing, marketing real estate is straightforward. However, it's clearly the exception rather than the norm. The truth is that real estate marketing is difficult because online marketing is difficult. Without an established audience and platform with real authority, getting the proverbial word out is a major hurdle.

However, clearly real estate marketing isn't just digital. Real estate agencies and realtors have been sending out direct mailers for ages and posting ads in traditional media. However, that kind of marketing is now dying off. As we complete the shift from paper to digital, traditional senses of marketing will also slowly evaporate. As more newspapers and magazines shutter, this becomes more apparent.

Today, marketing real estate isn't about sending out direct mailers; it's about launching email campaigns towards targeted buyers interested in homes in your area. To do that, you need an established and well-vetted list. To get that list, you need a squeeze page to attract buyers with something like a home appraisal tool or renovation tool to help them crunch some numbers in exchange for that lucrative email address.

Clearly, online marketing trumps traditional marketing in forms of both effectiveness and potential for saturation, but how do you go about marketing a home or condo on the internet? If you're going to set yourself apart, not only do you need to understand the fundamentals and mechanics of digitally marketing real estate, but you also need to ensure you have something that accurately portrays your home.

Simply put, pictures just don't do it anymore. Everyone knows that videos have begun springing up across realtors' websites in an effort to better showcase a home. It's obvious that videos help. However, today, a simple video just won't cut it anymore, nor will great photos. Today, for realtors and prospective home owners to set themselves apart in the digital marketing fray, they need 3D models and showcases of their homes.

Why 3D Models Are Important

Humans are meant to implement all of our senses when observing an object. This is done genetically by design to perceive a threat or understand whether an object can help us to sustain life as in the form of food or to allow us to achieve some other innate goal such as provide shelter or water and so on. Up until now, the internet has largely afforded us the opportunity to use two of our senses. We can see and hear the internet in two dimensions.

While that's great for the time being, it doesn't provide the immersive experience that something like virtual reality can provide, especially when we can physically interact with a digital environment. Now, that doesn't mean you need virtual reality to market real estate. However, by using 3D modeling cameras to capture a space, you can better convey it with spacial recognition and capture the entire environment and provide a walkthrough that largely replicates being physically present.

Matterport's 3D camera capture 10 million points in space per second as it spins around, wildly stitching the environment together. When complete, the camera provides a realistic dollhouse model that anyone can fly through. It's an impressive tool that you can add to any real estate marketing arsenal on the web.

At first glance, I was under the assumption that the camera would be far more difficult to use than it seemed. It wasn't. The setup was simple enough. Place the camera on a tripod and turn it on. You need to sync with an iPad and download the Matterport application. Once that's complete, you can create scans and move the camera around to stitch the entire unit together. As you move to another floor, you simply indicate that you're adding a new floor.

The camera and software are clever enough to know when the camera has been moved too far. You need to ensure that you move it roughly 6 feet from the last point to stitch the space properly together. If the camera can't spatially link the two scans together, you need to do it over again. Each scan takes about 15-20 seconds so mistakes can cost you some time, but once you get acclimated to its use, it goes relatively smoothly.

During my test of the system, I scanned two projects. The first was a relatively "simple," 5-bedroom home in Beverly Hills. The second project, a massive yacht, was a little bit more challenging. The only issue that I had during the scans occurred while scanning the stairs and stitching together one floor with the next. However, after a few tries, I got it down.

My goal in conducting the scans was to do one that was super-simple and one that was highly complex. For the complex scan,  I used Howard Leight's yacht in Marina del Rey, aptly coined, Leight Star. Howard Leight is the billionaire founder of an intelligent hearing solutions business, a company that was long-ago acquired by Honeywell. Leight is also a prodigious real estate investor and owner of Malibu Rocky Oaks, a winery in Malibu often featured on some of the most influential Instagram accounts.

This was the second scan that I tried and for good reason. The scan of the yacht was far more complex than the home. But I figured if I could scan the most complex type of space, with the most abundance of light, then I could really master the system. It was nowhere nearly as good as the other scan that exists for another superyacht in Matterport's gallery called the Aurora Yacht, but I came pretty darn close for a novice.

Overall, out of the box, the system was simple and easy to use. Once the data was loaded onto the camera, all you have to do is upload it to Matterport's servers, where they process the files into the 3D dollhouse scan, which you can easily embed in a WordPress post, giving anyone with a blog or website to market their real estate online simply and effectively.

The post was originally posted by Forbes Magazine at https://www.forbes.com/sites/robertadams/2017/03/09/is-this-the-future-of-real-estate-marketing/2/#58735ff42bf6