#superfuzzv2

[theredwidows]

Before I regret to do this and get crazy for reasons beyond my control, here’s my pedalboard. #peralboard #diago #boss #hyperfuzz #superfuzzv2 #phasor #dod #flanger #tremolo #delay #wah #hotone #gogoturner #octaswitchv2 #carlmartin #revslife @boss_europe @hotoneaudio @digitechfx @ananasheadfx @gogo_tuners #supacharger #effectpedals #fuzz #theredwidows #lordraven (at London, United Kingdom) https://www.instagram.com/p/BripaS7lJns/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1hftxxrkskztq

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More about the boy

Into the Wilderness: Part 38

Another week has passed since I lost my “son.” Day by day, I heal. The heart tug dissipates. The yearning evaporates while I focus on the family I have rather than the one I don’t. What has surprised me, however, is the effect on our furry family members. Our pets miss him.

We have five pets- two female munchkin cats and three male dogs of varying sizes. The “pups” (as we call them; they range in age from 1-4 years) are a particular bunch with frenzied barking and head-to-toe sniffs. The cats assess from a distance, analytically analyzing whatever cats analyze when meeting someone new.

One of our dogs, a shih tzu-pug mix, and one of our cats, a tortoise shell Scottish fold, ragamuffin munchkin immediately attached. These are not easily befriended pets. The shih tzu loves to bark and flip his front and back feet like a bull while the chubby torty cat grumps and flicks her tail. With our new family member, they melted. Our cat became so attached that she’d sleep with him at night. We installed a fairy-size door in a side door so she could crawl in bed with him at night. The shih tzu visited him every morning and evening. He trotted on his heels whenever he came upstairs for dinner. We were a happy bunch.

Animals are known for sensing a person’s character. From every indicator, our new family member had passed the pet screening: are you good enough to be with our family? This is why I don’t think our house guest was an inherently bad, scheming person. When he began living with us, he was not the person he became.

Which tells me “something happened.” Oprah has written a book with Dr. Bruce Perry called “What Happened To You?” The premise is that we are not inherently flawed humans. We enter the world as whole beings. But our circumstances- social, familial, financial, racial, etc.- can lead to events that chip away at our self-esteem and wholeness until we think we are flawed rather than the world we live in. We say to ourselves, “something is wrong with me,” rather than “something happened to me that reshaped the way I see myself and has set forth the way I feel, think, behave and make decisions.” It’s “I’m the problem” not “I responded to an event and decided I’m the problem.” Do you see the difference?

Kabir (name changed to protect identity) came from a wealthy Southeast Asian family. He was born in India, but spent most of his early years in Kent, U.K. His family then moved to Dubai where he attended school until graduating. He was awarded a scholarship to a Division 1 athletics university in the US. This is an enormous honor. It requires not only some measure of natural talent but also an incredible commitment and drive for excellence. Training and competition vie for more time than academics but the catch is that these athletes must maintain at least 3.0 GPAs. Kabir had a 4.0.

He told me he had a “tiger” mom. She demanded straight As, sports participation and music lessons. Kabir could sing opera and play the piano and drums. She also was aloof, dismissive and sometimes abusive. Anything but perfect performance led to “beatings.” After Kabir came to the US as an elite athlete, he began to understand that beatings were not a typical form of child discipline.

Division 1 athletics is incredibly tough. After two years, and relentless stress that threatened his carefully crafted personage, Kabir chose to focus on academics. He wanted to remain in track, however, so he transferred to a Division 3 school with high academic demands. He maintained his 4.0 GPA and continued to compete. This is when my daughters met him and became close friends.

I remember the day I met him. My husband and I had driven to campus to drop off a few things for one of my daughters. Kabir was with them and when he was introduced, I said to him, “You have a posh Kent accent. Are you from the U.K.?” He was indeed. His father is a U.K. citizen. Kabir lived there until he was 6 or 7 years old.

I share these facts to note that nothing was/is inherently wrong with Kabir. As I got to know him, I saw the wounds he operated over and how his cultural perspectives sometimes challenged his ability to accept that “something happened” to him was what had shaped his self-esteem and not who he was.

A child whose mother physically harms is a child who grows up feeling insecure, on tenterhooks, overly responsible. If the nurture is broken, then a child cannot turn to a mother for comfort. This leads to anxiety, feelings of worthlessness and attachment issues. If a person does not seek intensive therapy to heal the trauma, these abuse byproducts become intertwined with identity. Only extreme self-awareness and therapy can unwind the abuse impact from the person’s behavior, feelings and being. It’s not easy for young people to see, for example, that the tendency to turn away from people they love is because of the abuse and not inherently who they are.

I’d like to think our pets saw the core person- and that is why they loved him. Our pets’ love only amplified our own and made him even more part of the family. It was a circle of trust-building. When Kabir left, our shih tzu slept on his left-behind clothes for days. Our cat would pace and yowl as if calling, “where are you?” I rushed to wash items and get them out of the house so that his odor would dissipate and the animals would know he was no longer here and would not return.

Our animals have gotten to a more centered place. They are no longer waiting by his door or sleeping in his room. I too am thinking about him rarely- though he came first to mind when I started to write. We will all move on.

I know that brokenness isn’t identity. I also can see that broken people can be horribly cruel, so cruel that the brokenness can manifest as a personality disorder or behavioral complex. I imagine brokenness is like a root system that grows around and in the body, pushing ever deeper inside our body’s moist soil to create embed more deeply in our souls. No axe or pruning shear can whack away the damage. Like a knotted vine, the damage has melded and will be there. To heal, we have to see the knots, feel the knots, and say- “ah, there’s my pain made real inside me. Something happened. This is my sign.”

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Source: More about the boy