#survival isles jax | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tadpw-au · 10 months ago

Text

The Abandoned Digital Toybox AU ideas

Main characters

Caine

The oldest AI in the server and a self-proclaimed god to the NPCs in the game. Caine has a ringleader action figure torso with the head of a toy tooth model and fake eyeballs with heterochromia. Sometimes, he will, also, have an elastic tongue depending on the faces he makes or what he uses it for.

Before the server was abandoned, Caine was always allowing the players to have fun and explore the levels he has in store for them. He was often quite friendly and social with the players as well. After the server had been abandoned, however, he tried everything he can to maintain the toybox with Bubble at his side. His years of being alone in this server made him grow to become a sort of god-like character to the NPCs, especially one who had failed to properly grow out of the mindset of non-stop playtime.

After the arrival of the Pomni twins, he felt as though he had finally gotten back his drive to entertain these new arrivals. The twins were given their own rooms that were in boxes. It was...odd for them, but they tried to manage by making the rooms work. Luckily, the new players will have a fun time in their new homes

Bubble

As an assistant to Caine, not much is known about him outside of being a bubble who can be popped and spawned back to life. Although he's mainly seen with Caine, he gets along well with the others, being a sort of assistant to anyone who he's asked to help out with.

Before the server was abandoned, He was a silly, little guy who was often summoned as a way to help the players via a bubble wand button. Whenever this button was pressed, Bubble was always helpful in showing hints to solve puzzles, giving advice on what to expect, or leading paths to help the players in case they're lost. After the server had been abandoned, he still retains his helpful attitude, but ultimately became a much more...unorthadox assistant to Caine. His behavior was almost that of a strange dog if it were talking and instead a bubble with sharp teeth.

After the arrival of the Pomni twins, Bubble had regained his old mechanics once again, but this time having much more disturbing things to say to the players. For someone who was supposed to be in a kid's game, it was rather unexpected to hear him say things such as "Watch out for Jax's hammer! We don't want a mess now!" or "Oh no, looks like Lanky's taken control over you! Oh well!" This type of dialogue was not originally written in Bubble's script.

The Pomni twins, Pom and Ni

Twin players who take on the same avatar as twin jester characters with different color designs. Pom is mainly associated with the colors red and yellow while Ni is mainly associated with the colors blue and yellow. The twins when referred together are called "the Pomni twins".

Pom is controlled by a woman named Pamela while Ni is controlled by a woman named Nicole. Pamela was an accountant, always being the type of person to think of a logical way out of things. Nicole was an adventurer, normally good at using her survival instincts to make it through any situation she gets into. These traits are shown in their Pom and Ni avatars as they try to survive the digital toybox levels.

Pom and Ni spawned in the now empty toybox, capable of interacting with different toys to select. Each toy has an adventure level that they can choose to go on. The things they can interact with are a ragdoll, a cassette tape with a logo of Jax on it, a comedy mask with a tragedy mask, a tower of blocks, and a white king chess piece. There are, also, a toy clown and a black queen chess piece that are considered inaccessible unless a glitch were to be used to get into those levels.

Levels

Level one: The Raggety Isles

Ruler of the plush toys in the Raggety Isels, Ragatha has the appearance of a Raggedy Anne doll with a dress made out of different types of cloth. Her hair is made out of dark red yarn and she has one eye that is a button.

Before the toybox server was abandoned, Ragatha was considered a kind and benevolent leader who was only interested in caring for her people. She would help in trying to fix her raggedy townsfolk by patching them up with new cloths or sewing up rips from accidental tears. After the server had been abandoned, however, she grew to become so interested in helping others that she would often try to find ways to fix a problem rather than facing the problem head-on.

After the arrival of the Pomni twins, Ragatha tried her best to instill a positive influence onto them. However, instead of doing so, she started making the twins feel like they were being babied, having all of their problems in the server be neglected instead of facing them. Pom is much more understanding of why Ragatha would act this way, but still tries her best in stating how Ragatha is poorly treating the situations she gets into. Ni hates this treatment the most as she does not like having herself be kept in the dark about what problems were present.

Level two: Cartoonville

Ruler of the Cartoonville cartoon characters, Jax takes on the appearance of a rubberhose-styled rabbit character from the 1920's. He still has his normal overalls, but he has a more black-and-white color palette. He is, also, usually seen with a comically-sized weapon of some sort, especially his main weapon being a hammer.

Before the toybox server was abandoned, Jax was a ruler who condoned any amount of innocent, cartoonish violence. He was a trickster and a guy who loved to pull pranks on others. After the server had been abandoned, however, he started to get bored. Very bored. So bored that, instead of doing his usually cartoon-styled pranks, he started to become more physically violent. He would still try to keep his victims alive, but only at the expense of using them in horrific acts of physical abuse.

After the arrival of the Pomni twins, Jax finally had someone who he could show his new attitude off on. He would normally torment the twins in different ways. With Pom, he would normally talk shit about how much of a cowardly weakling she was compared to her sister. With Ni, he would often use her for more physical torment, usually attempting to crush her with his hammer to see how well she can withstand the impact.

Level three: Lanky and Gangle's Storytime Theater

Rulers of the Theater's actors, Gangle and Lanky are a red and blue ribbon pair similar to that of identical twins. They are often seen dangling from the cieling or anywhere outside of the camera's shot. Gangle associates with the red ribbon and the tragedy mask. Lanky associates with the blue ribbon and the comedy mask.

Before the server was abandoned, Gangle and Lanky were a lot more accepting of different story interpretations. Well, actually, Lanky was only tolerable of them while Gangle enjoyed it so much more than her brother did. After the server had been abandoned, however, Lanky grew from being tolerable of this to completely losing the ability to accept criticism. Gangle still enjoys it as it gives her a sense of nostalgia for what she used to take fun in. She normally keeps this as a secret from her brother, however.

After the arrival of the Pomni twins, Lanky started to use them for his own stories to be reinacted, forcing them into impersonating them how he feels they should go. When things don't go according to his plan, however, he will force them under his control by taking over their bodies. He uses his ribbons on the players while they are in a state of parylasis. Gangle secretly lets the Pomni twins know what to do in order to survive and escape her brother's torment. However, she's normally forced to listen to her brother's orders and help him in tormenting the unfortunate players.

Level four: The Silly, Zany Funhouse

Ruler of the Funhouse roommates, Zooble is often the type of person who is constantly looking for new parts to try and make themself feel whole with. However, it's gotten hard looking for new parts, especially since there hasn't been any new players in a long time.

Before the server was abandoned, Zooble was often trying to find unique and entertaining ways to challenge players to go through their funhouse. Solving puzzles, going through mazes, and all sorts of things were added in for hours upon hours of frustrating fun. After the server had been abandoned, however, they grew to be more standoffish, making their funhouse a lot more challenging in a more dangerous way. This is usually meant to show that they do not want visitors, wishing to be left alone.

After the arrival of the Pomni twins, they have had very minimal interactions with them considering their standoffish behavior. Whenever the twins do interact with Zooble, however, Zooble often tries to keep to themself and hide their abysmal appearance from them. Afterall, how can anyone see them and still wish to speak to them after such a long time, even when they aren't even comfortable in their own appearance?

Level five: The Chess Table (white pieces)

Ruler of the White Chess pawns, Kinger takes on the form of a White King chess piece. He is normally seen in a purple cloak, as well as a crown similar to his chess piece's mold. His blue eyes are, also, made out of glass beads and his hands are usually detached hands from a king action figure.

Before the server had been abandoned, he and his chessboard rival, Queenie, ruled on different sides of the table. They were programmed to be on opposing sides, even having different opinions on things such as bugs and the dark. After the server had been abandoned, they started to actually bond and share a common ground, with Kinger developing a love for bugs and the dark. Later on in their relationship, they fell in love and wanted to keep this dynamic a secret. After Queenie's code got erased after their relationship was discovered, Kinger developed to cope with her erasure by sitting in his pillow fort, reminiscing about her in the dark while showing signs of devloping his wife's interest in bugs.

After the arrival of the Pomni twins, Kinger has been a mixed bag for them. On one hand, he is often a a bit weird whenever he was in the dark around them. On the other hand, for the most part, he's often just...well...Kinger. Easily startled, prefers keeping to himself in his pillow fort, and even forgetting things easily when he's out in the bright daylight, he's quite hard to actually talk to sometimes. When he's capable of talking in dark areas, he often envies the twins for still having each other. He would normally let his anger out on them for having something that he was forbidden to have for himself with his wife. Why were these players allowed to be together as sisters when he couldn't even have his wife as a companion? It was unfair for him to deal with this!

Level {REDACTED}: The Chess Table (black pieces)

Former ruler of the Black Chess pawns, Queenie took on the form of a Black Queen chess piece. She was normally seen in a red cloak that's similar in style to Kinger's and a crown similar to the mold of her chess piece. Her hands are detached hands similar to that to a doll's and glass beads for brown eyes.

Before the server was abandoned, Queenie and Kinger ruled on different sides of the chess table. Unlike her opponent, she was often interested in the dark, bugs, and finding creative ways to win at the game. After the server had been abandoned, though, she started to reach out to Kinger and show him a fun side to her character. After getting to know each other for some time, they secretly developed into a romantic relationship. The relationship did not last very long, however, as Queenie has been erased from the game's code after they were discovered.

Pom found out a secret to accessing this side of the chess table purely by accident. When she got into it, she was left alone without Ni at her side. Getting worried about where Ni is, she looks around to find dusty, old chess pieces hiding in the dark, moving as if they were still playing on this side of the board. In the back, however, behind those chess piece NPCs was something hiding in the dark. It was big, had massive mouths that look like they could swallow a player whole, and it looked like it was not very friendly either.

Level {REDACTED}: Kaufmo's Karnival

Former ruler of the Carnival performers, Kaufmo used to be a clown that got along well with most of the other AI rulers. He was, especially, close to Jax, despite being based off of different decades of animation (Jax is more of a rubberhose character from the 1920s while Kaufmo was more of a technicolor character from the 1950s). He was based off of a typical clown character.

Before the server was abandoned, Kaufmo was in charge of the performers in the carnival level. His level normally involved the players acting as performers, trying to entertain an audience of NPCs. He also, had minigames outside of the performances similar to that from a fair, such as ring toss games, guessing games, and more! However, after the server was abandoned, he began to lose a lot of his original material to make the others laugh. This would make him lose his sense of purpose, ultimately having his coding be erased when he started to fail at his own job.

Ni accidentally got herself stuck into this level, having to go alone without Pom at her side. With the carnival, it had desaturated colors, empty minigame stands, an open stage, and a full audience of blank NPCs models. The NPCs in the audience were all looking at Ni while she was exploring, making the eerie silence all the more uncomfortable. When a bunch of colorful, bouncing things known as "gloinks" came out, however, she was trapped in their grasp and couldn't find a way to escape the situation.

Level six: Candy Canyon Kingdom

Ruler of the Candy Canyon Kingdom, Queen Loolilalu is a monarch who is highly protective of her people after the events of the Fudge eating her people. Despite this behavior, however, she used to be too trusting of others and originally failed to actually protect her people.

Before the server was abandoned, Princess Loolilalu was her typical self; she was a princess who allowed players to help her in retrieving syrup from the gummy bandits. She was, also a friendly and kind person, often letting players casually refer to her as "Loo". After the server had been abandonded, however, she grew to become a ruler who became a self-entitled queen. She doubled the security in her kingdom for further prevention of the Fudge getting in. After an incident that happened involving Jax letting the Fudge attack her people, she has grown to close off all access to her kingdom unless the player was proven to have her trust.

After the arrival of the Pomni twins, Loo has shown a side where she is strict and sometimes taking initiative into her own hands for her missions. She often occompanies the twins whenever they load into her world, having the queen on their backs to make sure that they don't betray her like Jax did.

#the amazing digital circus #tadc #the abandoned digital toybox #tadt au

3 notes · View notes

unknownhyperial · 1 year ago

Text

THE BOYS!!!! ITS THE BOYS!!! /vpos

I love how zooted they all look it's all so silly!! Isles looks like hes about to fall over thats amazing--

the stray cat trio got into some catnip

The horned jax is by me, the other 2 are by @unknownhyperial and @rorydrawsandwrites

#amazing stuff made by sillies #survival isles jax #remains jax #cryptid Jax #isles is definitely one of those people who if high gets extremely paranoid #as long as no thoughts enter his head he should be fine #the boys <3 /vpos #remains deserves to be used as a chew toy #cryptid jax should bite him more actually

115 notes · View notes

zanrethan-sunforge · 11 months ago

Text

A letter to Wyn Ilthyrii (9-19-24)

This letter arrives…if you can call it a letter. A thick envelope, slightly crinkled and sealed with wax, arrives with a few different official stamps. Within is a letter written in familiar tight handwriting along with several leafs of parchments of sketches and other sorts of notes. The sketches show what looks to be underground landscapes rendered expertly, though the work looks quick, and a few of the neater ones show progress on construction and supplies. One sketch in particular shows a massive, glowing crystal jutting out from the ceiling of a large cave. There’s a tiny bit of sawdust inside the envelope, and the papers within smell of wood and ink.

Wyn,

Finally, I’ve a desk to write on.

Some of us were in Dalaran, yes, though not when the city exploded. When I gave the news of Tyr’s warning to everyone, it was as if a machine had been set in motion. A small contingent of us moved into Dalaran and kept our wits about us until the event happened, and did all we could to aid those who needed it. Much time was spent after looking for survivors—one of which I pulled directly from the rubble. Mathieu Waystar. I’m still confounded as to how he survived an exploding city and falling from the sky, and he’s strangely not privy to indulge us in that information, but given the circumstances…I don’t blame him for his silence. He nearly died. I will not press him. The conversation will be had in due time when he is ready.

The attack happened, and the comms lit up. Knight-Lady Blackspear has given her orders, and a new special forces group was established for the current threats at hand. We’ve been on the Isle since Dalaran’s fall and have been erecting a garrison underground in Hallowfall we’ve named “Sunhold”. I’m unsure if you’ve gone underground yet, as it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve been able to sit and get letters and missives out, but this Arathi city is beautiful and monumental.

Beledar. I hope for you to one day see it with your own eyes if you haven’t yet. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever witnessed. The sight of it even stunned Jax into silence. A massive Light crystal being the sun for an underground city? A city that was founded by an expedition from a kingdom overseas? I’m enthralled. Mesmerized. Fascinating. I can’t stop admiring the city and its people. Alectrael has even playfully teased me in some moments, claiming I’ve become a nerd, but I can’t help it. I find myself seeking to learn more about this city every day.

Light safekeep you and yours. Perhaps I will cross paths with you and others on this Isle or beneath it one day. Though I’ve not seen the sun in many days, I’m thankful to have Beledar to shine upon us.

Sincerely,

Zan

[in response to @wynilthyrii]

#world of warcraft #wyrmrest accord #world of warcraft roleplay #wow rp #zanrethan sunforge #wra #paladin #the war within

1 note · View note

tadc-survival-isles · 1 year ago

Text

Spoilers: Remains Jax dies /lhj

So if you came from my main: Do you remember these posts? /silly

Admittedly this took forever when I thought it would take 3 days max. I meant to have Isles tackle Remains Jax at the end but the pose never looked good and I was losing motivation so-

Either way I think this turned out really silly and it being the first drawings posted directly on this account is amusing to me

Remains Jax belongs to @rorydrawsandwrites

The horned Jax belongs to @sunifixation (I'm sorry if thats not his actual design at all I kinda based his bottom half off your Jackalope Jax cuz I couldn't find anything else <:3c)

These two reblogs of my artwork from Rory is what inspired this:

300 notes · View notes

unknownhyperial · 10 months ago

Text

Just wanna state that I am alive! Posting on social medias a little hard due to mental health reasons, but I'm not dead!

Pomtobers obviously on hold for me for the time being, I do hope to finish it at some point (even though its obviously not gonna be in October anymore) but alas things just haven't gone according to plan. There is a reason I don't do inktober /silly

Anyways I have been working on a few things! Have a little sneak peak at a small drawing ;]

151 notes · View notes

kazuichis-whore · 4 years ago

Text

Gundham x male!reader

Warnings: Death

Summary: Ya trying to get a date with Gundham <3

Sunflower Seeds

This takes place after the second class trial

You have had your eye on Gundham since you've all arrived at the island. Ever since the free times you've had, you always spent them with Gundham. If not Gunham, then Kazuichi, which made Kazuichi a bit upset since all I did was talk about Gundham, and Kazuichi wasn't really fond of him. Since the killings have started to happen, you've only grown closer to him and his 'Dark Devas of Destruction'. This wasn't the best for your heart, many times you thought it would explode when you were close to Gundham.

You see, you'd love to confess to Gundham, but you weren't entirely sure if he was into guys even in the slightest. You could just walk up to him and ask "Hey are you gay? Bi maybe?", but that is too straightforward and weird. So you settled on just keeping these feelings to yourself and just being a close friend of his. That is until Chiaki caught on to me.

It was a cool morning and everyone was either waking up or already heading to the restaurant. You had barely got out of your cottage before Chiaki got in your face.

"Hey, (Y/N). Can I ask you something? In private...", you hated that term, 'in private'. It usually meant that something bad was going to happen, but you trusted that Chiaki wouldn't say or do anything weird.

"Uhm... Sure. Come in" I moved aside so Chiaki could enter. She immediately cornered me. "Do you like Gundham?" She seemed so confident in the question. I was shocked and frozen, I studdered before I even got out a comprehensive sentence. "Whawhawahaa?! How... How did you know? Am I that obvious..?" She backed off with a soft smile. "No, it took me a while to figure it out. Your really good at hiding your romantic feelings. Anyway, Akane and I want to help you and Gundham get together."

"Thanks, Chiaki, but how are you two gonna do that??" There's no way that they could set us up, right? Dumb question. "Akane already found out Gundham is bisexual, but he only likes people he's known for a while and is close to, so you definitely have a chance with him. All I need to do now is convince him to go to the beach with you." What "Wait wait wait, how did you find out he's bi?" "Akane just asked and he was fine with answering" Of course they just asked.

"We can have you and Gundham meeting up at night and Akane and I could set up some lights in the sand and a picnic" Chiaki looked up as she was thinking out loud. "But what about Monomuka? We aren't allowed to be out of the hotel resort after 10 pm." She just smiled, "I'll appeal. He enjoys teen romance so there's a good chance that he'll let us all be out after the curfew", "How do you know he likes teen rom-", "That's not important right now, meet with Gundham at the beach around 10:30 pm." She seemed so determined. I agreed and we both made our way to the restaurant together

Of course, we were a little late. Gundham was the first to notice us, I think he was staring at the door... "The rest of the mortals are here." God his voice was hot. Kazuichi looked over at us "Finally! Gundham and Akane were about to go looking for you guys!" Man, did we take that long? oh. my. god. What the FUCK is that? I was about to say something before I saw this hideous tribute to our recently deceased friend, Mahiru. I was going to say something rude about it before Hajime grabbed my attention. He was signaling for me to be nice about it and that Hiyoko made it. I spoke with an unsure voice "Wooww that looks so coolll. Whoever made that is verryyy talented.". Hiyoko seemed to be satisfied with it. Good because that's all I got in me.

I made my way over to a table so I can eat. Gundham glanced over at me and continued to eat at his own table. It was a quiet morning, everyone must have still been tired. After we had all finished and left, I went to the supermarket to get some sunflower seeds for Gundham. Yesterday he helped me with a cow attack at the barn, so I wanna try to pay him back. It was a good thing he was looking for me anyway.

I still had some free time after I came back from getting the sunflower seeds. I decided to look for Gundham since I knew he was free most of the time. When I finally found him he was talking with Chiaki and Akane at Jaberwok Park, they must be talking to him about going to the beach with me. That also means I need to find someone else to talk to, I get really bored if I'm by myself for too long. I could either look for Kazuichi and look for things he can take apart or just go annoy Fuyuhiko. I'll look for Kazu, I don't feel like hearing boss baby yell at me.

I walked to the 3rd island and was on my way to Electric Ave. since that's become Kazu's new hangout. When I got there he was already digging around looking for anything to fidget with. Kazu is a nervous guy, so I understand if he wants something to with his hands constantly.

"Hey, Kazo! What 'cha lookin for today?" I asked as I leaned over his shoulder to see what he's grabbing. "Anything really. Although it would be nice to find something to corrode the cameras that Monokuma put everywhere. Hey, have you seen some yellow wires anywhere?" He stopped whatever he was doing to look at me. "No, but I think I saw some orange ones by the old game consoles", I pointed to the pile not too far away from me. "No no no, It has to be yellow, orange won't work with my current project." He went back to rummaging. "What are you working on?" I turned my head to the side, it's a bad habit. "I'm trying to make a phone, so we can call someone or something. At least be able to play some mobile games so I'm not so bored all the time." He was still digging around.

"Ok then, see ya! I'm gonna go find Chiaki or Akane, whoever comes first." I said turning away. All I heard was a very faint 'bye' from Kazuichi, he probably wasn't listening. Oh well, at least he said bye. I walked back to the resort where our cottages are. I must have lost at least 30 pounds from all the walking between islands. As I was walking past the farm, I saw Akane. I walked up to her to ask about Gundham and if he was going to the beach. "Heyyyy Akaneeee!" I tried to strike up a conversation since I'm not very good at it. "Oh, what's up (Y/N)?" She definitely knows how to match someones energy. "Sooo what did Gundham say?" I asked, slightly bouncing from excitement. Akane just deadpans "What?". "About the beach! What did Gundham say about going to the beach with me?". "OOOHHH, he said he'll go with ya, but you have to not force him to swim with you. Something about him poisoning the water from his skin? I don't really know, I wasn't really listening". "Oh, that's fine! I won't force him!" I beamed.

"By the way, he said he wants to talk to you about something. He's at his cottage if you wanna talk to him right now." Akane seemed to not be interested in anything she's saying. She probably agreed to help Chiaki only because she was bored. "OK! Thank you, byeee!" I turned around and hightailed out of the barn.

As I was making my way towards the resort gate, I heard Sonia scream at the supermarket. I left the gates and started booking towards the market. When I finally got there, I didn't see her anywhere. I started calling out to her and poking around every crevice of the store. When I finally found her, she was just standing in the back, perfectly fine from what I could see. "Sonia oh my god! What happened? I heard you scream, are you ok?" I was panting from the running and looking. She looked at me with a pang of guilt in her eyes. "I am sorry for scaring you (Y/N), but thank you for taking the time to find me." She looked down at her shoes. "Well yea of course, but why did you scream?" I tilted my head to the side again. "I am terribly sorry (Y/N), but I have a kingdom to lead and I need to get back, I'm sure you understand. Right?" She slowly started walking towards me. I saw a screwdriver in her hand, It looks like....Kazuichi's! How did she even get his screwdriver? Oh what am I thinking, she probably just asked for it while batting her lashes and Kazuichi just gave it to her.

I started to walk backward until I was fully against the door. I quickly started to feel for a handle and scrambled out, back to the isles. As I was running towards the door, I felt a stabbing pain at the back of my head. After, my body felt numb, as if I couldn't control it. I fell. The last thing I heard was the door opening, it was Gundham. "Hello? I heard a scream so- (Y/N)!!" I really hope he finds the sunflower seeds in my pocket. At least the last thing I saw was Gundham.

Mod Jax: HAH, yall probably thought you were gonna have a nice beach date with Gundham. Foolish. You don't get to have a happy ending. Anyway, this took a while ahaha. MAYbe I'll make a version where ya survive and get yer beach date, maybe I won't, idk yet. BUUUUT there is a 90% that I make a part 2 where it's the trial for your murder.

Todays message that ya probably need to hear

You're not responsible for someone else's mental health, fuck with yourself before you fuck with someone else

#super danganronpa two #dr2 #sdr #dangonronpa #gundham tanaka #gundham x reader #gundham x male reader #gundham fan fiction #sdr2 gundham #danganronpa gundham #danganronpa goodbye despair #gay gundham #mlm #fanfic

47 notes · View notes

deadcactuswalking · 5 years ago

Text

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 05/12/2020

Earlier this week, I finished and released by end-of-year list of the Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2020, which, for once, was on time, being released on the 1st – or 2nd – of December, depending on your time zone. That means I’ve already spent hours discussing music, and to be honest, I have a pretty bad headache in addition to this, so you know, I’m not really in that chart-reviewing spirit. Thankfully, we have very few songs to review here, and a lot of it should be pretty inoffensive. Now, before that, let’s talk about the actual state of the charts because it is looking ridiculous. Ariana Grande’s “positions” spend its sixth week at #1, and welcome to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

Much like last week, it was an absolute bloodbath for any non-Christmas song this week, and this especially affects the hip hop and R&B on the chart. In the UK Top 75, which I cover every week, there’s a drastic difference to the US Billboard Hot 100, and that is the lack of radio. Radio impressions or plays have never been counted on the UK Singles Chart, and whilst in the States, I understand that a lot of Christmas songs rely on the radio, this is not true at all across the pond, because, for whatever reason, Christmas songs are streamed and bought a lot here even 60 years after the song’s original release. This is likely due to a smaller, arguably less diverse population and the immense amount of streaming service-curated playlists, which serve the same purpose as radio and often have the exact same label gimmickry and payola. Regardless, there is a stupid amount of drop-outs and fallers this week, for pretty big tracks as well. Now as I said I only cover the top 75 of the UK Singles Chart because it’s just easier and really, who cares about those last 25 songs? On the UK Singles Chart proper, Lewis Capaldi’s “Someone You Loved”, one of the biggest hits of 2019 and 2020, just spent its 100th week on the chart, which is insane, especially for a modern song. I think the song is dreadful but it is one of the biggest songs of all time here on the Isles, and since we’re going by my measures, it just dropped out (after spending seven weeks at #1, mind you). Of course, that’s not the only notable drop-out – and to be notable, you have to have spent five weeks on the chart or peaked in the top 40 – this week. Let’s list them, shall we? We have “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles, which spent 40 weeks on the chart, as well as #1 hit “Savage Love (Laxed – Siren Beat)” by Jawsh 685 and Jason Derulo, “Giants” by Dermot Kennedy, “Mood Swings” by the late Pop Smoke featuring Lil Tjay, “Lighter” by Nathan Dawe and KSI, “Take You Dancing” by Jason Derulo, “Holiday” by Little Mix, “Tick Tock” by Clean Bandit featuring Mabel and 24kGoldn, “Come Over” by Rudimental featuring Anne-Marie and Tion Wayne, “Lasting Lover” by Sigala and James Arthur, “Holy” by Justin Bieber featuring Chance the Rapper, “One Too Many” by Keith Urban and P!nk, “Papi Chulo” by Octavian and Skepta, “Heat Waves” by Glass Animals, “Deluded” by Tion Wayne and MIST, “Confetti” by Little Mix, “pov” by Ariana Grande (to make way for another one of her songs we’ll get to – also probably the only actually good song that dropped out this week) and finally, “Life Goes On” by BTS off of the debut at #10. On the chart proper, this is one of the biggest free-fall drops of all time, and honestly, who wasn’t expecting this? Speaking of falls, we have a lot of those too. Whilst these are fallers, you should consider how impressive they are for even trying to survive the holiday season, which just can’t be done for a lot of these songs, even the biggest hits of the year, some of which we just mentioned. One of the funniest parts of this to me is that KSI of all people survived the overload of Christmas songs through his Craig David chorus on “Really Love” with Digital Farm Animals down to #17. For a former YouTuber, he has an immense amount of star-power and it’s kind of worrying. Otherwise, our notable fallers include “Paradise” by MEDUZA and Dermot Kennedy at #24, “Train Wreck” by James Arthur at #25 (not a good week for either of these guys – or anyone), “Monster” by Shawn Mendes and Justin Bieber at #26 off of the top 10 debut, “Mood” by 24kGoldn featuring iann dior at #27, “Head & Heart” by Joel Corry and MNEK at #29, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd stripped of all of its gains at #31 (seriously, whilst most of these songs were fading naturally prior, this is worrying), “Lemonade” by Internet Money and Gunna featuring NAV and Don Toliver at #34, “Lonely” by Justin Bieber and benny blanco at #42 (giving him four songs as a lead artist on the chart – OCC, that’s not how your dumb rules work; be consistent), “See Nobody” by Wes Nelson and Hardy Caprio really having the most intense combination of streaming cuts and Christmas music at #44, “Wonder” by Shawn Mendes flailing at #45 (it will probably rebound next week), “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd at #46 (same here), “Golden” by Harry Styles at #47, “Loading” by Central Cee at #48, “What You Know Bout Love” by the late Pop Smoke at #49, “i miss u” by Jax Jones and Au/Ra at #50, “Sunflower (Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse)” by Post Malone and Swae Lee at #52, “UFO” by D-Block Europe and Aitch at #55, “Plugged in Freestyle” by A92 and Fumez the Engineer at #56, “Princess Cuts” by Headie One featuring Young T & Bugsey at #60 (which happened to play as I was writing this), “Looking for Me” by Paul Woodford, Diplo and Kareen Lomax at #61, “WAP” by Cardi B featuring Megan Thee Stallion at #62, “Diamonds” by Sam Smith having the biggest fall to #63, “Ain’t it Different” by Headie One featuring AJ Tracey and Stormzy at #65, “Chingy (It’s Whatever)” by Digga D at #69, “Come Over” by Jorja Smith and Popcaan at #70, “SO DONE” by The Kid LAROI at #71 and finally, “Flavour” by Loski and Stormzy at #74. A YouTube comment on the video version of this chart read, “RIP to hip hop and R&B in the UK, 2020-2020”, and, I mean, it’s a fair assessment. That’s not all though, folks, as we have the returning entries, most of which are very explicitly Christmas songs. Let’s start with “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by Sam Smith at #75, and continue up the chart with “Cozy Little Christmas” by Katy Perry at #73, “Christmas Lights” by Coldplay at #72 (always the best song on the entire chart whenever it returns), “A Little Love” by Celeste from the John Lewis advert at #64, “Feliz Navidad” by José Feliciano at #54, “Santa Baby” by Kylie Minogue at #57, “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” by the late Dean Martin at #54, “Sleigh Ride” by the Ronettes at #52, “Mistletoe” by Justin Bieber at #43, “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by the late John Lennon, Yoko Ono and the Plastic Ono Band featuring the Harlem Community Choir at #40 (always the worst song on the chart whenever it returns), “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney at #39 (this is an accurate ranking of the Beatles), “Jingle Bell Rock” by the late Bobby Helms at #38, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Michael Bublé at #37 and “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” by the late Andy Williams at #36. Yes, that’s five consecutive Christmas songs returning to the top 40, made all the more ridiculous when you realise it’s topped off by “HOLIDAY” by Lil Nas X... at #41 – and it actually gained this week! Oh, and we don’t stop there either as not only do we have “Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande returning to #16 as well, but we also have all of the gains this week. All of our notable gains are in the top 40 and all but one are Christmas songs, so let’s start with “One More Sleep” by Leona Lewis up to #33 (our greatest gain this week) and continue up the chart with “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade at #32, “This Christmas” by Jess Glynne at #28, “I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday” by Wizzard at #23, “Driving Home for Christmas” by Chris Rea at #22, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” by Justin Bieber and Brenda Lee at #21 and #19 respectively, “Underneath the Tree” by Kelly Clarkson at #20, “Step into Christmas” by Elton John at #18, “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” by Band Aid at #15 (looking at this chart, I think we ALL know exactly what time it is), “Merry Christmas Everyone” by Shakin’ Stevens at #14, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” by Michael Bublé at #13, “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues featuring the late Kirsty MacColl at #9, “Last Christmas” by Wham! at #3, and finally, “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey at #2. I don’t know if I’ll be happier if a 1994 classic hits #1 for the first time this Christmas, or an Ariana Grande song about sex positions takes the Christmas #1, given, of course, that LadBaby doesn’t pull something out of his ass last minute. Christmas also actually lands on a Friday this week, so there’s potentially two Christmas #1s: the #1 on Christmas Day and the #1 that includes Christmas Day. I mean, there’s this issue every year but since the chart week literally starts and ends on the day this year, I guess we’ll just have to see what the Official Charts Company decides. For now, after not-so-swiftly covering all of that garbage – and there’s three weeks more of it to come, folks – let’s discuss some of our new arrivals, none of which I imagine will be all that interesting but, hey, at least they’re not Christmas songs. In fact...

NEW ARRIVALS

#68 – “Body” – Megan Thee Stallion

Produced by LilJuMadeThatBeat

...It’s the antithesis of what it means to be wholesome, commercial and festive. You all know and love Megan Thee Stallion by now, and whilst I didn’t listen to that debut record yet – it is 17 songs after all – I have heard pretty positive reception so I will check out Good News at some point. Rico Nasty did release a record that’s only one less track and 13 full minutes shorter, so to be honest, I’m a lot more excited to check out that album, even if it won’t have any impact here. I did laugh at the track list when I saw “Intercourse (feat. Popcaan & Mustard)” though, which is one of the few times I have genuinely laughed at just a track list. “Shots Fired” is a pretty great Tory Lanez diss track though, so I’ll say that. “Body” is relatively deep into the track listing, yet seems to be the biggest hit, mostly because of that polarising earworm hook and the music video. Oh, yeah, and it straight-up samples a woman having an orgasm, so don’t expect this to stick around. In fact, that’s the only melody behind this dirty South bounce-adjacent track, and even with that, it only comes in on that chorus, which is less annoying to me as it is just catchy. It’s not like men haven’t done the same thing, though, I mean, Dr. Dre famously – or infamously – “paused 4 porno” on his album 2001, and just in 2018, Kanye released “XTCY”, a song that is hilariously lacking in any kind of moral compass, let alone born-again Christianity. It did the same thing that “Body” does with the moaning yet it also covers it in this really eerie sample, as well as spare 808s and a drum beat that doesn’t feel like it gets in the way of whatever the hell Kanye’s doing on this track. It also helps that the moaning doesn’t just come in on the chorus, instead we have a string swell to distinguish it, and that Kanye has more of a comical lyrical nature on “XTCY”. This comparison is only fair when looking at the production, though, as whilst Kanye has “sick thoughts”, Megan is just bragging about her own body-ody-ody-ody-ody, etc. over a pretty mainstream, accessible beat, even if it has really ugly, loud 808s that kind of do get in the way of the rapping here. Thankfully, Megan rides this beat forcefully – no pun intended – and with some really great wordplay, even if there are a few immediately dated references here and there. That third verse is also pretty funny, and whilst I don’t want to focus too much on this song – it’s a family show after all – this is pretty lively and whilst I’m not a fan of this beat, Megan makes it worth sitting through and honestly, the song sounds a lot shorter than it is. Check it out.

#67 – “Love is a Compass” – Griff

Produced by PARKWILD

I didn’t say the word “compass” on purpose knowing this song would be next, although perhaps I subconsciously snuck the word in. Maybe I should have made it seem like I foreshadowed this song, but honestly what about this warrants foreshadowing? I don’t mind Disney music at all. In fact, a lot of the films are full of really classic compositions that have aged incredibly, including the Renaissance era of their films, especially. In fact, “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from Mulan – the original – is one of the few soundtrack songs that is directly related to and featured in the film yet I can still listen to outside of that context. I’ve not even watched either Mulan – or have Disney+ - so it’s not like I’m a big fan, but I can appreciate the music when I find it, even if I mostly despise everything Disney stands for as a company. The issue with this is that it cannot apply to “Love is a Compass”. I’m sure Griff and her producer PARKWILD are talented musicians, but this is purely a product. This wasn’t even made for an original animated feature, or a painfully weak adaptation of one of their original animated features starring Will Smith as the Genie. This is a generic piano ballad made for an advert, because just like literal shops and manufacturing companies like John Lewis, Disney has a Christmas advert. There’s nothing artistic about this. This “emotional” piano ballad is layered in reverb and egregious Auto-Tune that drains Griff of whatever emotion her delivery could have had. It doesn’t sound good in this context at all and it is so obvious, which is unfortunate because her voice, Auto-Tuned in a similar way, could easily work over more lo-fi and interesting production. As it is, this is repulsive, sonically and on every other level beyond that.

#66 – “Angels Like You” – Miley Cyrus

Produced by Louis Bell and watt

So, Miley Cyrus dropped her album, Plastic Hearts, last week and I expected more impact on the chart but the two singles are really THAT big that not any of the album cuts had much of a chance, even if “Prisoner” dropped a few spaces. Other than that, “Midnight Sky” is still in the top five and near the end of the chart, we have a debut: “Angels Like You”. It’s clear why this charted because this isn’t just a highlight from the album or a personal favourite of mine, but it’s a fan favourite honestly, a career highlight – which may not be hard to make, I mean, it’s Miley Cyrus we’re talking about – but it still impresses me with how much I really love this song. This is more of a mellow ballad than many of the tracks surrounding it on the record, with Cyrus’ raspy country twang finally met with a fitting blend of acoustic guitars and a genuine orchestral swell in the chorus, even if at times it decides to start clipping. The shift in guitar tone to a dirtier, aggressive one after the first chorus is a genius touch, and even the pretty stiff drum machine here feels like it adds a lot to the power of this song, especially when it starts kicking behind the screeching guitar solo, leading into an admittedly anti-climactic final chorus... that might even be fitting for the content, which is a break-up song but not one that decides to deflect blame or even focus entirely on the break-up, rather being an acknowledgement of what both parties here did wrong, and why they ended up in the relationship to begin with. Both Cyrus and her ex-girlfriend Kaitlynn Carter were in rough spots coming off of previous relationships in late 2019 and those dark spots are what Cyrus understands lead to the collapse of this relationship. She discusses the lack of connection between the two in the first verse, leading to a literally nameless relationship where it was full of romantic gestures but not any depth. The chorus is a complex look at how Cyrus knew she would look back on the relationship as little more than a fling, but how she regrets that this is her only view of the relationship. She didn’t want anything more and split after things started getting too serious, and feels genuine guilt for using Carter to heal her own depression, because “misery needs company”. She uses the biblical metaphor to demonstrate how she feels she tugged down her girlfriend, described here as an “angel”, to the hell Cyrus thinks she resides in, which may be melodramatic, sure, but I’d be lying if I said Cyrus doesn’t completely sell it here, with some of her best vocals to date, backed up by gorgeous production and really well-written lyrics. This is a genuinely brilliant ballad, give it a listen.

#58 – “Naughty List” – Liam Payne and Dixie D’Amelio

Produced by TMS

I’ve been writing these producers as “TM5” for so long without realising it’s an abbreviation for “The Music Shed”. Anyway, I hope we can all agree that Liam Payne is probably the worst off when comparing the One Direction boys and their solo careers so far. Harry Styles is one of the biggest stars in the world, making a twist on 70s classic rock that I don’t like at all but he IS making headlines and having massive chart success. Niall Horan is having mild success making rock and folk albums that are honestly alright, ZAYN has two albums under his belt that may not be listenable but at least the first one was a success and he did go into a more mature R&B direction, and Louis Tomlinson might not have been met with any success from his album earlier this year but at least there’s some quality there. Liam Payne, however, has been releasing straight garbage to no fanfare for the past three years, dating back to “Strip that Down” with Quavo, and continuing down the path of feigning maturity and development with music clearly not backing it up, demonstrated by the bisexual fetishism on his delayed debut album and how his collaborations went from relying on Zedd to relying on J Balvin to relying on TikTok stars on a sexually-charged Christmas single that couldn’t even crack the top 50. I have no idea who Dixie D’Amelio is other than seeing her sister’s controversies on Twitter in passing, but it is depressing that a major-label pop star needs D’Amelio to chart this high – and no, given his most recent singles with bigger features like A Boogie wit da Hoodie and Cheat Codes, as well as the shoddy performance of his last Christmas song, I’m not even considering that it’s the other way around. This immediately, in its first 15 seconds, makes sure you know this will be awful, with its tedious acoustic guitar strumming fused with cheap sounding sleigh bells and dated trap percussion, even with little “hey!” gang vocals straight out of 2014 that make this sound a lot less new and fresh than I think Payne thought it did. Also, something about these lyrics sounds really odd when you consider the age gap between the two vocalists. I mean, D’Amelio’s 19 years old, so it’s not like this is illegal in any way (and they didn’t have any chemistry to begin with), but the childlike imagery in the chorus just makes this gross. “Santa saw the things we did and put us on the naughty list”? This has less subtlety than 3OH!3’s Christmas song they released this year. Yes, that happened, and somehow the two washed-up early 2010s pop stars made a “dirty” Christmas song that is miles better than Liam Payne’s, probably because of the more interesting lyrical detail, and that, you know, it isn’t a duet. Check out “KISSELTOE” if you’re interested, it’s really good. I liked their comeback single with 100 gecs too so I’m pretty excited for whatever comes out of 3OH!3’s recent productivity. This song, on the other hand, as well as the upcoming joke, is just Payne-full.

#53 – “No Time for Tears” – Nathan Dawe and Little Mix

Produced by Tré Jean-Marie and Nathan Dawe

Okay, so, I understand the marketing of releasing a single after a long time of not releasing a single and after your singles have all dropped out of the chart, but Little Mix are just being managed horribly here. Why would you release a single in the Christmas season that you want to be big? This isn’t a holiday song in any way and doesn’t even sound like one, so releasing it this early into the Christmas season is just begging for it to be forgotten and eventually flop. Nathan Dawe is an EDM DJ so he doesn’t need this type of promotion as long as he can tour next year and he’s got big features, and Little Mix don’t need any extra singles because they’re still in the top 10 and they’ve branched out to reality television. Just let the girls breathe for a second and enjoy their success. Oh, and this song isn’t just logistically unnecessary, it’s sonically unnecessary, acting as a house-pop club banger with that standard piano sound reminiscent of 90s house that has been adopted recently by DJs, with any of the infectious melodies and genuine drive sucked out of it, especially if Dawe is going to add a Goddamn trap breakdown in the second verse with the most pathetic set of percussion I’ve heard in years on a house track. It’s not like Little Mix are saving this either because the lyrical content is re-tread and their performances are largely unrecognisable from each other and songs they’ve made before. Yeah, this isn’t offensive, but it isn’t interesting, outside of that bridge, but even then it builds up perfectly to a chorus that’s interrupted by a pointless, repetitious interlude. This song isn’t just uninteresting, it’s inherently unnecessary on all fronts, which if anything, is just kind of sad.

#35 – “All You’re Dreaming Of” – Liam Gallagher

Produced by Simon Aldred and Andrew Wyatt

Surely out of all of these songs, I’d have the most to say about our top 40 debut, with Liam Gallagher, former frontman of legendary rock band Oasis, and his new lead single, right? Well, no, because here are some unfortunate truths: Oasis made two good albums, and they’re not as good as you remember. Liam Gallagher is an awful person who continued to rip off his own band with his new one, without the songwriting ability his brother Noel had. Liam continues to be persistent in his making of enemies for no other reason than publicity. Noel’s reaching out to Liam for the sake of at least reconciliation goes completely unnoticed, ignored or criticised by Liam for no discernable reason other than an on-and-off again facade that’s been going on for more than a decade. Noel wasn’t even that great of a songwriter, relying mostly on musicianship and other people’s melodies he liked to co-opt for his own tracks. None of their solo work has been listenable yet still gathers attention that I imagine is to the dismay of those other band members in Oasis who, ultimately, made those classic albums as much as the Gallaghers. Where’s the praise for Bonehead, Guigsy or even Gem Archer, who stuck it out despite decreasing popularity, utter lack of musical quality and increasing tensions between the people who kept the band afloat until they decided to break up? Both Noel and Liam look at Oasis with regret or admiration depending on how they feel that day but when you look at who REALLY won that Britpop battle tabloids liked to hype up in the 1990s, you realise how far away Oasis was from Blur or even Pulp in terms of not only their songs but having their stuff together. This new song is complete garbage as well, with a pretty awful mixing job, Liam being as distinctively nasal and infuriating as he is with any of his songs let alone his uninteresting ballads, and the COVID-19 charity pandering that comes off as really false, especially since even after Noel released an Oasis track this year as a result of the lockdown – and Liam whining about how he wants to bring the band together to help the NHS – he criticised the honest release of the demo, which Noel wrote and sang himself. It’s also especially telling how the proceeds are only going to benefit charity for its first month of release. Afterwards, Liam and the label can scrape up whatever leftover streams they get from diehard fans. I don’t like Band Aid at all, in fact the song is pretty damn rancid, but at least they keep on recording updated versions to give to modern charities. Liam, you’ve got a bank account the average Manchurian would dream of. This charity single is a fraud, and a pretty hypocritical, immoral one at that.

Conclusion

I think on principle on how fake it is and how awful the song is, I have to give Worst of the Week to Gallagher... but I have a rule against crowning any kind of charity single with that title. At the end of the day, at least something at some point is going to the people who need it. Worst of the Week in that case goes to “Naughty List” by Liam Payne and Dixie D’Amelio, with a Dishonourable Mention to the product that is Griff’s “Love is a Compass”. Best of the Week should be obvious as it’s going to Miley Cyrus for “Angels Like You”, with an Honourable Mention to Megan Thee Stallion’s “Body”. Here’s this week’s top 10:

May I remind you this is the first week of December? Anyway, I doubt Shawn Mendes will make anything through the barrage of holiday tracks, but if he does, that’s next week. Thank you for reading and follow me at @cactusinthebank for more ramblings of this sort, I suppose. See you next week!

1 note · View note