#switchy thoughts😮‍💨

[ange-deprave]

Sweetheart, I would edge you until you start crying.

[casketscratch]

Went to a little concert last night that was a lot of fun, but it also had me on high alert for hours trying to calm myself down over how any airborne outbreaks are in the area, no one here masks, why is someone touching me, what are the odds anyone in this city is vaccinated (low!), is this worth dying over, oh this song reminds me of the time someone [redacted], etc.

When we got home, it turned out the cats had broken into the garbage to root around for leftover chicken wing bones from dinner, so then I had a whole spiralling rage/anxiety attack over whether or not one of them was going to die from bone shards, and then one of the cats was up at 6am yowling non-stop and I had a whole other panic spiral over yes, I was correct, he is going to Die Now. Finally kicked the cats out at 7, slept for another 3 hours--it's unheard of for me to not be up by 8am because I can never sleep through hearing other people in the house moving around--and my brain feels like slop in a jar. Just, foggy and drained and tired and burnt out in a way I used to always be. Can't keep track of conversations when people talk to me, can't pull a single thought out of my brain, not tired enough to sleep but too tired to engage with anything.

And then I remember I used to be this burnt out literally all the time, for years, so... maybe this is a good sign that I am managing better most of the time. I notice when I'm drained now. As frustrating as it is to be this bored/fuzzy/foggy/switchy and incapable of doing anything about it, it's not like this all the time now.

Pretty sure I lost track of myself to the point that someone switched in and ordered a whole shit load of washi tape and stickers and journalling supplies, too, and rather than getting mad (my bank account, bro, it cannot take this) I am just going to take it as a sign to get back into journaling properly like we used to. Not even gonna look at what specific things I ordered, it'll be like a fun surprise when it shows up this way. 😮‍💨

I do however want to invest in all my favourite pens again as a result.