#tbh i should probably skip out on this place and mess around elsewhere

[whyamistillawake]

if only i knew someone who isn't a snivelling coward/snitch combo

[kleptonancydrew]

MID Thoughts

So I’m not one of the people with the thought process for typing out a cohesive review so you’ll be catching my train of thought. Sorry.

One of the big things I have noticed in the reviews is that if you like talking to characters you are much more likely to enjoy the game. Talking to people and cutscenes (with rare exceptions) have always been my least favourite part of Nancy Drew games. So for me the major uptick in dialogue and cutscenes made the game miserable. (And yes you can skip them - but on the first play through you want to know what’s going on.) Also the captions need to be fixed before the next game - let me see the whole thing please. 

I enjoy the historical aspects of the game. I took two courses relating to the history of witchcraft in uni so a lot of this actually took me back to my Witchcraze class. There was a lot to learn but I was disappointed with the museum - it feels like we could have had several more displays. I also don’t love the way they take text from things and then put it into a tiny straight forward display. I know that for some this might help and it should be included but the control for it should be elsewhere - not in the center of the page when I’m trying to turn pages. 

The tour thing should have more clear. The tablet thing took a tick to figure out. As should the offering things to people. In previous games you have to talk to people to exchange objects and I got stuck for a bit. 

Maybe the controls are better if you are playing with a mouse but like many adults I rely on laptops exclusively. The whole right click thing was very difficult. As a somewhat petulant side note - I have a touchscreen laptop and previous games have all been pretty touchscreen friendly for most things. This game was not touch screen friendly at all. Something minor is that why did they get rid of the magnifying glass cursor - would that really have been so hard to integrate? It is fitting and cute. 

I wish a line had been dropped (maybe it was and I missed it) about how just because something is herbal and all natural that does not mean that it is good for YOU. People are all different and herbal remedies can have major side effects based on personal health. They can also screw with any modern medicines you take. Some can also interact poorly when you are using multiple. And if you don’t have the issue that something is treating that can also cause problems. I know most of us here are adults (I’m pretty sure most everyone here who wasn’t when MID was announced certainly is now), but like kids also play this game and I don’t want them getting medical advice from Nancy Drew. 

(Also maybe a line about how yes we don’t burn ‘witches’ anymore but satanism is still bad and magic isn’t real.) 

Alicia’s comments about Jason and him being attractive were really uncomfortable. I’m a teacher and I go through so many protect the young ‘ins things that this was really setting off all my alarm bells. I know he’s supposed to be over eighteen but so are some of my seniors - does not make it okay in my book. 

The plot was fine - good intrigue and was interesting. Some of it was weird but was explained by poisoning. Some parts were very confusing to me. I have no idea how anyone got underground. How could a teenager just leave their cell phone and peace out (well actually I did have to run out of the school the other day to find a kid who forgot their phone at the end of the day). I did like the scare in the bed - that was cool. 

Making the pancakes was fun - I wish you had to switch up the recipes for the special pancakes, that would be more fun in my book. The herbal stuff wasn’t really complicated after you got the first couple done. 

I didn’t really think much of the puzzles. Based on the way I played through (maybe different if I go again) they were all clumped up towards the very end. 

I didn’t love a lot of the personalities in the games. But, I rarely do so whatever. 

I’ve posted before about how the navigation feels like kayaking in DDI - you need to be in exactly the right place to get where you want to go and it takes forever to do so. I found the town center and the museum really difficult to navigate in particular. 

Maybe I’m stupid and never quite understood the laurel in the mirror thing - was that supposed to be some type of Lauren look here? Remember how Josiah Crowley put his will in a safety deposit box at a bank - what ever happened to doing that? Or one of those fireproof lock boxes? Also was there any point to the bedroom at either house? Besides the one weird dream and Teegan’s photo? 

Also I didn’t like how things kept saying the same thing when you accidentally clicked on them - like I know that has been a thing historically but it’s still annoying. 

Also what was with all the papers and stuff on the floor and spread everywhere constantly? I’m a mess and my organization is accomplished by making piles everywhere but even I’m not nearly that bad. 

Also, much like TOT - it’s really obvious who the thief is right away. 

Another thing is that like, did HER even make this game? No. If I wanted a game from another company I’d give them money. I turn to HER because they have previously had a history of turning out two decent if not fabulous games a year. 

I like having more places to explore. I dislike that they take so long to load. Even the game startup takes forever compared to other games. 

The lip syncing is really annoying - it seemed like they had fixed that over a decade ago. Also the text and dialogue didn’t match. I am someone who always has captions on things and having them so off is irritating. 

TBH I didn’t really feel like the Hardy Boys added much to this game. 

Also the whole Carson is friends with the Judge guy reminded me of how I greatly dislike my dad’s so called best friend. Just because a dad is willing to overlook some people’s faults doesn’t mean the daughter is. 

Also, the continued mention of Salem being like some sort of small town where everyone knows everyone is so out of place with our knowledge that this does take place in 2019 (or around this time). Salem has a population of over 40 thousand according to the Google. My hometown is somewhere just under 30 thousand which I considered small town, until I moved to the midwest where it is apparently bigger than most cities. I’m not saying someone cannot be a known entity in a town that size (high school sports in America make plenty of teenagers decently known in towns), I’m saying that there should be enough going on in that town that someone else has caused trouble since. The only reason I remember the name of the kid who got hit walking home from school causing the town to put in a very inconvenient traffic light is because we went to the same uni in a different state and he got kicked out twice. (I crossed that stupid highway everyday with zero issues, probably even on the same day he got hit.) I was gonna say something about modern education systems working on bleeding out such backwards thinking but then I remember that we’re literally graduating nazis so like, nvm. (My personal goal as a teacher is to contribute to eliminating innocent ignorance - kids aren’t born knowing things and the adults in their lives need to work on introducing them in positive ways to avoid the distrust, fear, and hatred that stem from ignorance.) 

Maybe if they fix the navigation and optimize it better for the vast majority of the population who use laptops with trackpads (I don’t have a desk where the hell am I supposed to put a mouse?) it could nice for the next game. But they also need to work on the character animation and other issues. But then like, do we even know there will be a next time? I know Little Jackalope’s positive media minions have said so. But they also said 2016. And October. And any number of other things that might have been said in good faith but ended up not being true.   

I think I just feel meh about everything. This was not the best game ever, and yeah maybe SCK and STFD had some pretty bad graphics too - but it’s twenty years later, I was hoping we’d be moving forward not back. If you want a really positive review look elsewhere. I’m still committed to HER but I realised the other day that very few of my newer friends/coworkers know how obsessed I have always been with HER because I’ve had nothing to talk about. It sorta feels like I’ve lost a part of my personality. 

Also the physical copy cover is real shitty. I feel like that 100% could have been fixed if more attention was payed. You can’t even see the name of the game. 

[oceansborn-blog]

intros: next gen verse, pt. 1

ALICE LONGBOTTOM: seventh year, hufflepuff, head student, halfblood, cis female, she/ her. fc: milena tscharntke. pinterest. 

Mum Friend™ 

alice is like... very nurturing, honestly. she likes to be there for people and take care of them -- they come first, in her mind, and she comes second. definitely considers most people around her more important than herself -- she doesn’t have a bad self-confidence, really, but putting herself first isn’t something she’d think of?

even from first year she’d be the kid others could come to if they couldn’t sleep and she’d make them some tea and stay up with them 

favourite subjects are care of magical creatures & herbology -- just loves everything about nature and all the creatures in it 

her room at home is full of plants & she joined the herbology club at hogwarts as soon as she could so she could help out in the greenhouses; makes her feel like home and less homesick, though having her siblings and parents at hogwarts now definitely helps 

her tag is ‘steady flame’ which i tend to think pretty suitable for her -- she’s not a bright, roaring wildfire or anyone that sticks out particularly much, but she’s steady in her light and her love and she’s always there to provide some comfort 

always tries her hardest in her classes but if she has to help a friend out that takes precedence -- she cares about her grades but not as much as helping people, so if she needs to skip out on revising more for a test to comfort a friend, she will 

takes her prefect responsibilities quite seriously and now her head student ones, but isn’t a stickler for the rules in the sense that she always tries to understand the reason behind why a student got in trouble and if exceptions should be made 

her biggest passion is dragons and they have been her favourite animal since she was a kid her heart just !!!! soars when she thinks of them 

her dream job is to be a dragonologist but she hasn’t really... committed to it because she’s like... afraid of leaving home? she doesn’t want to be somewhere else if people need her? in a way ig she considers herself a bit more important than she is -- people will be fine if she moves elsewhere, the world will not fall apart, people will be happy for her -- but simultaneously she’s afraid to leave if like. nothing changes when she’s gone? and she’s not as important and necessary here as she thought? idk she has Conflicted emotions so her solution rn is just to let that dream remain just a dream 

hopefully she’ll get her act together and go for it one day 

but rn she’s considering a herbologist career instead even tho her heart is yelling at her to work with dragons 

AISLINN FINNIGAN-THOMAS: seventh year, hufflepuff, vampire, cis female, she/ her. fc: inbar lavi. pinterest.

bde: big dumbass energy

chaotic horny

kind of spoiled in the sense that she has both her dads wrapped around her little finger and kind of... charms her way into avoiding punishment?

gets away with a lot of shit she shouldn’t and has since she was a kid

maybe that’s why she’s such a disaster now! whom knows

was sorted into hufflepuff not so much because she admires or embodies the traits, necessarily, but because hufflepuff takes the rest and she really couldn’t fit anywhere else

she’s really just here to have a good time and wants to accomplish that in any way possible

she’s really... not interested in anything that doesn’t involve having fun. schoolwork? serious matters? will gladly ignore!

she Loves her friends and family but might not be the best person to always turn to for emotional support? or ever gfhsjd. her strategy for anything painful is ignore, ignore, ignore! and that tends to be her advice to others. she’s for sure nice to turn to if you want to distract yourself and do something fun, but in terms of actually discussing things and trying to process them? really not the right gal

‘mate, am genuinely jus here for a laff x’ in a person

gets into A Lot of stupid and reckless and dangerous situations just because she’s a person who tends to follow any half-rotten idea she gets. could be seen as brave, i suppose, since she’s not really scared of much --- but it’s more because she doesn’t think about it or linger on what consequences could come long enough to actually get scared

really doesn’t have an ambitious bone in her body. she’s never been one to even plan a week ahead but just lives her life a day at a time. teachers might try to get her to settle on a career and plan for it but she’ll just say a goal and by the next meeting drop another random career that she has no intention of trying for. probably drives them up the wall

does just well enough to scrape by in her classes so her parents can’t complain but no more than that

makes a lot of bad decisions, especially if she’s drunk

key example: deciding that knockturn alley seemed like a good place for a hookup and went there late at night, alone, and drunk as hell

did not find a hookup, but a vampire found her

woke up the next day feeling like absolute shite and with a very obvious bite that aislinn in true dumbass fashion thought was the ugliest hickey in the world

really hasn’t.... processed being a vampire? she’s like eh! can be ignored! i’m not emotionally and spiritually a vampire which is all that matters!

insists on still doing stuff she can no longer do, like eat a shit ton of garlic bread and lie out in the sun when she’s fucking nocturnal now

she’s quite sweet but her disaster energy brings a lot of stress to the logical people in her life

ISABELLA POTTER: fifth year, ravenclaw, disaster, halfblood, cis female, she/ her. fc: lana condor. pinterest.

she’s like the really trashy love child of leslie knope and ben wyatt?? mostly their bad sides lmao??? she too would be referred to as a human disaster on national tv

she’s a descendant of the part of the potter family that moved to america ages ago, so until she transferred to hogwarts in her fourth year she didn’t know the other potters?? like obviously she knew of them what with harry saving the wizarding world and all, but they hadn’t met each other before. she’s an only child with no close cousins so like meeting the potters and the huge fam that comes with them was kind of like ………………… wait what for her and she’s still like??? doubt we’re actually related sorry can’t live up to you all

but yeah it was just her & her parents growing up and she was quite close to them when she was younger, but her dad is a politician ( now the president of the magical congress of the us ) and her mother is a healer, and they’re both just really ambitious, hardworking people so they didn’t have a lot of time to dedicate to their home life?? and when isa went off to boarding school they drifted further apart, so at this point they honestly don’t know each other that well?? and tbh they’re not bad parents per say, if you don’t count how focused on their careers they are rather than supporting her, it’s just that they’re both so focused and confident i don’t think they ever consider that isa might,,, not be?? and she really, really isn’t.

her self-worth is so low and confidence is basically nonexistent, and when she’s nervous or struggling a lot with anxiety she tends to ramble a lot, which her parents just interpreted as her being talkative rather than there being an underlying reason for it, and basically there was just… a lot of misunderstanding between them? like isa still loves them, but whenever she was home she just didn’t feel good, and she hates herself for it because they are good people, but she just doesn’t know how to change that??

somehow did not end up nearly as charismatic or smart or anything as her parents tho and is just a mess™ so she mostly introduces herself only with her first name and tries to like not think of the fact that that her dad held such an important position bc she doesn’t want to bring more embarrassment to the family than she already has lmao

she really wants to make her parents proud and everything and tries to behave properly she’s just ??? failing epically. always finds a way to embarrass herself and put her foot in her mouth and once it happens her pride kicks in and she just makes it worse and worse because she can’t just admit that she did something wrong so she just continues to dig her own grave like every second conversation it’s amusing to watch but she’s just a tragic mess

with her father being the president and her mother out there literally saving lives she was like i gotta do something good with mine!!! she doesn't see becoming an author as good enough in comparison, so she's gonna study to become a healer like her mom after she graduates but like,,, it’s so not the right career choice for her, she'll probably would dropp up halfway through training

when anything remotely bad happens she’s like this is THE worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life and i cannot show my face ever again so basically,,, the ppl in her life are probably used to her Dramatic self by now. tho i guess now that there is an actual apocalypse going on, everything sort of is the worst thing that’s ever happened in her life?? anyways 

when it comes down to it isa is just a mess™ who just. gets into embarrassing situations Constantly because she never shuts up. she is often awkward and anxious and always puts her foot in her mouth and once that happens her pride kicks in and she just makes it worse and worse because she just can’t admit that she did something wrong so she just continues to dig her own grave like every second conversation. amusing to watch but a terror for herself she’s just a tragic mess who Cannot shut up for two seconds 

her mouth just runs on it’s own and her brain struggles to keep up so she just says weird shit sometimes 

it is honestly a surprise she hasn’t run off to live in the woods and write trashy romance novels yet 

that’s genuinely a thought she has daily djhasg she loves her family so much so she wouldn’t but like. she thinks she should not be allowed to talk with other people because she Will fuck it up and she’s proven that again and again

lowkey terrified of actually falling in love despite how often she gushes about it and just runs away at the thought. quite literally. she will ramble and then run as fast as she can she’s gotta GO

VERA WOOD-KRUM: fifth year, gryffindor, broom racing mess, halfblood, cis female, she/ her. fc: brittany o’grady. 

vera is entirely her fathers’ daughter and that becomes clear to everyone who has heard of them like .5 seconds after meeting her

she is Loud and she Will Not be stopped!! 

so yeah she’s the daughter of viktor and oliver, and at this point they’re even more iconic than they were when they were younger tbh. even their ‘love story’ is pretty famous around the wizarding world, their rivals-to-eventual-friends-to-lovers story touching many, not to mention being one of the first openly gay couples in the quidditch sphere

vera will always argue they’re the most iconic couple at the very least in the quidditch world but also probably in the wizarding world but lbr she is Biased 

she has three siblings, a younger brother named max who is... probably in his second year at this point i wanna say, and two older siblings, katya & alex, who are a bit closer in age to her. oliver and viktor used surrogate mothers and mixed sperm and have their kids, and yeah long story short vera is fiercely loyal to her family and would highkey die for them. 10/10 always ready to fight for them if someone talks shit 

very grateful for her family and her happy upbringing and they mean more to her than anything in the world 

obviously comes from a very quidditch centred family, and tho neither of her parents would force their kids into any career, they did have her join a little league quidditch team as a kid to encourage a healthy lifestyle and bc it’s their favourite sport in the world lbr. vera started out as a chaser but the coach decided to switch her position to seeker because he thought it would be a more suitable position --- which it definitely was, only more so than intended. her time in the little league quidditch team made her realise her intense love for broom racing, and she quickly lost interest in the actual game, racing off the pitch before quickly crashing and being brought back by the coaches fgjgdsfjhs

has been set on becoming a professional broom racer since she was a kid, basically, and is as obsessed with that as oliver is with quidditch --- if not more. like father, like daughter fjhsdgfhjs 

basically all her birthday and christmas wishes since then has been related to it, whether for broom polish or workout clothes or books on the matter, even sometimes wishing from brooms when a new version was released 

always makes sure to keep up with the latest news regarding anything from brooms to quidditch 

anytime one of her fathers went to diagon alley, she would hound them into bringing her so she could hang out in broomstix, overtime annoying the old owner into liking her LMAO, becoming something like the granddaughter he never had 

she worked there over summer and helps out a bit now during christmas break as well 

but yeah vera was sorted into gryffindor like .2 seconds after the sorting hat touched her head HFJSDGFJS she was so far from a headstall it’s ridiculous 

she takes after oliver a lot which i think is one of the first things ( and sometimes only if they don’t get to know her ) people notice about her --- she’s vivacious and loud and dramatic and incredibly competitive and is absolutely ridiculous, most of the time, especially when it comes for the lengths she’ll go to when it comes to broom racing. but she holds viktor’s kindness and loving nature at her core and she has quite a fixed 

definitely wouldn’t be wrong to call her a daredevil, one of the things she loves about broom racing is flying around obstacles and how wrong it can go if she’s not good enough gjhdsgfj 

has been in and out of both the hospital wing and st. mungo’s many, many times for a sixteen-year-old 

her whole family is very supportive of her dreams which she is So grateful for, partly because they just want to see her succeed and be happy but also to reduce the amount of injuries she gets hsdhjfgs viktor especially trains her a lot with his seeker experience in mind, a role which her older siblings took on when she started hogwarts 

that said, the wood-krum siblings are just as likely to encourage each other to get into trouble as to help each other so she ends up in trouble a lot hjsdghfj she Loves it tho all the professors probably think she is a pain in the ass, albeit a charming one

vera always tries to get around hogwarts by broomstick or longboard so like. rip in peace to the rest of hogwarts’ inhabitants bc the amount of detentions she gets doesn’t face her, she is set in her ways 

[chloc]

Did you see the [ LILY JAMES ] lookalike from [ WESTON, CONNECTICUT ] start their shift at [ BLUE MOON DINER ]? That’s [ CHLOE WILLIAMS ], a [ TWENTY-EIGHT ] year old [ WAITRESS ]. [ SHE ] seems [ SWEET ] and [ FLIGHTY ]. – ALLY, 22, EST, SHE/HER

hi guys! i’m ally, and i’m super excited to be part of this group & start writing with all of you guys! i’d love to jump in & start plotting with you guys asap, so feel free to like this post if you’re interested, and i’ll shoot you a message! also pls ignore her theme, etc. i gotta work on it.

i’m gonna have a full biography & set of statistics for chloe up (probably tomorrow), but i’m also gonna give you guys some quick bullet points as well for the time being! 

(tw: death, bereavement, unnamed illness)

ALRIGHT so this is my delicate little flower Chloe, she’s pretty much a mess, but she’s making it work, okay? 

She’s from a small, bougie town in Connecticut, which is pretty much the only place she’d ever known up until the point she decided to head West. She was shooting for California because it was literally the polar opposite of Connecticut, but she ran out of money in Nevada, and thus ended up having to pick up work in Vegas. She found something steady at the Blue Moon Diner, and decided it was in her best interest to attempt to settle down there. She still thinks about making it to California though, it’s still her goal. 

The majority of her life she was incredibly sheltered by her family, and the community which she lived in. Bad things rarely happened in Weston; seriously, the closest thing to trauma there is when they run out of finger sandwiches at the Christmas party. Her upbringing was incredibly white-collar for the most part, though her family defintely had less money than those around them. 

She’s the youngest daughter of a homemaker, and partner at a decently successful personal injury law firm. Her only sibling is her older brother, though she doesn’t often speak to him since he skipped town as quickly as he could in the wake of their mother’s death. She still has a special place for him in her heart, but she doesn’t make it know she even has a sibling because she finds him difficult to speak about. She doesn’t readily bring him into conversation without a bit of a fight, or an attempt to brush the subject off. Probably some festering resentment there? She should really work on it.

The point is he shouldn’t have just left without her, but he did. What kind of brother does that? 

Most of her childhood was pretty normal; she had her fair share of friends, kept up certain with after school activities (horseback riding, dance), and maintained decent grades up until her senior year. But she was never anything to write home about, and mostly just blended in with background. That was never really an issue for her, however; she was never overly fond of being the center of attention. She’d avoid it at all costs. 

In the summer before her senior year she lost her mother to sickness, and subsequently her father to grief. He was hard for her to reach before considering he’d wanted another son rather than a daughter, but after the loss of her mother it was damn near impossible for her to even look him in the eyes. He didn’t pass away, but sometimes it felt like he might as well have.

Her grades sort of tanked that year, but she defintely still could have pulled a scholarship to some local, state college– however, by the time she was ready to apply, college had turned from a viable option for her to another dream. Her father lost his stake as partner in his firm about mid-year because he just couldn’t handle the pressure of the job (or anything) anymore. Chloe picked up work at the local Denny’s to help her father pay the bills while he scrambled to apply elsewhere. After a few rejections, it seemed her father’s spirit was entirely broken. 

Chloe couldn’t help but feel a strong sense of responsibility for her father for a long period of time while he was in such a fragile state. It took her years to figure out she was neglecting herself only taking care of him. Still, she couldn’t have possibly imagined leaving him to fend for himself when he was still grieving. So she stayed behind as all her friends went off to school, and as they began their new careers, or went on to graduate school. She was just stagnant. 

It took her father years to recover from her mother’s death, and in all honesty, he’s still not recovered. Though he’s attempted to get back on his feet by taking a simple job at the hardware store in town ringing up shovels, and shit like that (after refusing to go back to legal work, claiming he’d sold his soul to the devil in that business). Him having his own, somewhat steady is the only reason Chloe was able to convince herself to leave town. If she hadn’t known for sure that he could buy himself a few frozen pizzas a week, she’d have never taken off. It took about a year of planning, saving, and a whole lot of repetition of the phrase “mom would want this” for her to finally skip town. It was the middle of the night. She called her dad two hours later at a rest stop in the next state over, but he reluctantly encouraged her to keep going. She thought for sure he’d tell her to turn around. She calls him every week to make sure he’s alive, and paying the phone bill on time. He talks mostly about the tomatoes he’s attempting to grow in mom’s old overgrown garden, and their next door neighbor’s antics. Never about real things. They’ve never been good at communicating their feelings.

Living in Las Vegas has been different (and considerably more expensive) than Chloe anticipated; she’s not a planner. She picked up her waitressing gig at Blue Moon Diner after bouncing around in a few different directions, and she’s quite fond of the place, even if she’s barely making enough money to support herself. 

She’s sweet, but she’s a bit scatter brained as well. The best way I can put it is “she’s trying” tbh.

Defintely makes bomb cookies. 

Has too many sweaters in her closet she can’t wear because she’s from the East Coast. 

OH! And I want all the types of connections. All of ‘em! Platonic, romantic, familial, anything tbh. 

talk to me pls 

[icharchivist]

perso-rant underneath and at first i intended it to be more light hearted but welp cant dive into myself without digging the bad stuff so just ignore this as rambling.

(idk if the cut works on mobile so as usual blacklist #ichapersonal to skip it , its quite long)

its night and im noisy and all but yknow part of the reason m/lb is such a healing show for me and i rewatch it every couple of days?

i cry everytime M.arinette's family is on screen pretty badly bc i get so envious all the time. i hate my shitty family (and often can relate to A.drien's ressentment) so just seeing such a /healthy/ family being often shown litterally brings me to tears. im like C.hat in the animan episode when he stares at the family picture with a sweet smile (another detail that stupidly make me cry who allowed th i s)

like. i dont relate to A.drien's relation to his family but some of the emotional effects is often a moment of "welp. mood." and being kinda sad /for him/ even if i can feel it for myself too. but then with M.arinette's family everytime they get to be on screen i realize how happy this sort of dynamic makes me and it makes me /so envious/.

like my mom is an artist and an excellent cook but she always barred those interests from me bc it was /hers/ and it was for /her ego/ and this attitude just killed every curiosity i had and remplaced it with a complete unability to care.

i used to bake as a kid but my mom was always shutting down everything i was doing, and if i was asking for help or recieps she would just tell le "it's a secret just watch " and never letting me know tf she was doing so i stopped lmao. everytime ive tried meals since it was only for myself and with a hard mocking from family and mom saying she had a better recieps and i should just let her do so i dont even try it often. (moreeven now that the kitchen is opened to the living room and they're super judgemental when im in it)

i was messing with drawings and paints in her workshop when i was a kid but she would always point out flaws and take my tools to correct it without telling nor showing me how and it killed it, it took me until my 14yo to start doing mindless doodles and then my breakdown when i was about 20 to seriously try back to draw and do art and try different tools (until my right hand made it impossible for me to hold a tool and the failure still feels yknow)

i wanted to sew things and make clothes (at the time for my dolls) but my mom was never letting me touch the tools (that we HAD since not only she made clothes but her mom actually had a fabrique shop. like. right next door. i think it became part of my mom's trauma hating her mom and refusing us to connect with her, more so with what happened when i was 7 and we lost contact with them but still, the damn irony. and i cant remember if my grandma ever let me close her sewing material but i was a damn kid after all) so this is another thing i didnt pursue

i wanted to pick up music (piano mostly) bc my uncle is a musician but my parents never wanted to invest in that because they already gave a piano to my sister (that i wasnt allowed to use) so ye that was dropped lmao

and i started to write when i was about 11 and it was that /one thing/ i didnt need help for from anyone, completely self taught, with my own ways and tools, and my parents were always dismissive of it, never listening to me, always telling me it wasnt important, that i should focus on something else, and after other circumstances that added to that i dropped writting around my 17/18yo and it had been painful to even try to write again since.(i came back to writing around my 20yo a bit before my breakdown but after it happened it started to die out and i felt exhausted and stopped after a few months and since then i've never been able to pick up writing again ay.)

(and im not touching the obsessive elements bc like- the fact she does it for her crush makes it different, but the sort of things she does? taking pictures and putting them everywhere in her room when she hyperfixates, making overcomplicated schedules and such? i litteraly do that with fiction. i made a freaking timeline for this show. i am currently working on organizing codex from d.a and an approval guide for christ sake. and im not talking about my multiple fandom shrines in my room and the fact i legit have one for m/lb made from pictures found on merchs.

or also the fact i have a lot of passions i'd love to share and seeing M. play video games with her dad for exemple makes me so bitter when all i get is backhanded insults from my parents when i bring it up.)

So sometimes i see M. and part of me is just in awe, loving everything about her. the other part of me tho... i feel... a bit robbed? like she's such a creative kid, she's incredible and she inspires me everyday, and i cant help but think how i would have adored her when i was a kid. (im not even kidding, as a kid i requested my mom a costume of black cat for h.alloween and a l.adybug costume for the carnaval. i have pictures of that at my dad's place sadly it kills me. also my room when i was a kid used to be covered with l.adybug stickers like. HELL my mom doesnt care about my interests but last year she bought me a M/LB winter callendar (bc its been years i was mentioning i wanted one, a selfish whim but oh well) and i had a huge double take bc i was certain she didnt remember me talking about this show- and she did not. when i asked her why, she legit told me "because she reminded me of you as a kid with your pigtails your obsession for l.adybugs". like!! i cant even stress how kid!me would have adored this show and especially LB./M.) (the pigtails too this time i have proofs around there i used to carry them all the time until i was bullied for it at school. (bullying at school instead of good friends also adds to the difference in question tbh lmao))

there is something so... weird into seeing the parts of yourself that you cut yourself from in a character, and see that the main difference is because of how the family (and bullies) treated those elements so drastically differently.

my family was always neglectful but differently than A.. the things i relate to with him is how he specifically still holds on hope that his father will do better at least just for one day and his reaction when he's left down saying he's just used to it. and like normal, not every kind of abuse are the same and all but i still relate enough to feel sad.

but M. is always a whiplash of feelings like i could have been this sort of girl in a better environment.

at 13/14yo she was already making stuff up, baking, designing clothes, doing art, she was doing so many things, even forgetting the superhero part. she was being happy being a creator at her pace and with encouragement. at 13/14yo i was starting to show concerning signs of d.epression because i was trying to handle my parents's divorces and the multiple trials that followed that /i/ had to handle by finding middle grounds, allowing some of my father's blackmail to avoid worse, and by litterally having to collect infos from mails everytime to prove against some of his arguments to the judges. and my sister refusing to talk to us for a year, which caused us basically to feel very bad thinking of the eldest sister who ran away from home, and having to handle my father's harrasment and emotional abuse of constantly belittling me (fuck this was the age he legit told me i would probably end up a p.rostitute so ye!!! fuck that!!!) andd the fact my mom was also falling apart from all of it on me and i was always supposed to cheer her up while i was having a hard time in a new school and new environment away from the very few friends i had and again feeling abandonned by my sister which freaking sucks after already had suffered that from our eldest one.

but M. makes me cry every. goddam. rewatch. its like maybe the ultimate wish fufilling story of just how i would have loved my family to be. of how i think i could have turned up.

and that realization hits so badly everytime.

there's a thing with my hyperfixations where i'll always find a way to tie it back to my traumas. i dont know if im pulling straws, or if the things are there. for having watched m.lb when it came out unfazed and only got hit with that realization upon rewatching- i feel it was more me realizing "there is something there that is touching me more than before" and having an introspection to get it.

and i think the difference is that- before my breakdown the characters and stories i related to where the eternal optimistic-yet-damaged "never give up!" type of characters. When things started to go downhill to my breakdown and since then the fictions that talked to me the most were all dealing with guilt coming from toxic environment that werent your fault per se but you pierceved that way. my way to relate were to characters who felt deeply connected to their guilt (peak being c.loud of f.f7 that even topped it with the deadly skin disease making him lose will to live (because ye that happened. still hate to watch out for that so ye), and memories issues, you would have told me at 13yo when i first watched that movie that this would be what i would relate to him about 7 years later i would have laughed at your face.), which translated with pushing people away and self destructing habits.

and i know i watched m.lb the first time around that time, when i was 20/21. and that may be why i didnt feel that. that my concerns were too elsewhere to realize that. That i was too focalized on how i felt like i failed by suddenly breaking under the pressure, having all the things i've kept burried kicking me out at once, and that i couldnt afford to be a burden to anyone. and it translated with me loving characters like that because in most cases their friends ended up reminding them of what was important - and sometimes just getting frustrated about your fav being as dumb as it forces you to pull yourself back together lmao. not always working but it was there.

now im 23. i cut ties with my father for about 3/4 years now, with all the shitty things that ensued out of the last trial where he sued me and his still-happening harrasment (sometimes silly sometimes scary). My mom and step dad are suffocating me more and more everyday. my health had become so disastrous i cant even manage to go school or find a job. And more than ever im frustrated and angry.

and i think it may be a shown of recovery? perhaps linked to therapy? of while i still have guilt of falling apart- /they/ are the reason i fell apart. and I'm yet to have proper apologizes for it. i grew furious at my family. of how much i feel robbed.

lately im so angry at everything i lost, was taken of, stolen childhood all of that- because of my parents, mainly. (hell even the bullying at school - in primary school it apparently started bc of gossips about why my eldest sister ran away from home, and in middle school it was first bc my parents insisted on sending me to private school where i was an outcast. which then had me truly embrassing the outcast persona that had made it impossible for me to be at peace in the two others middle schools i went to. highschool saved my social life tbh).

i think it's therapy and recovery that is making me shift the blame and feel so angry at them. so bitter. and suddenly i see in an innocent kid show a "what could have been". same starting personality, different people to channel this.

and this is. frustrating.

but it makes me love it even more. idk if its driving anything else than ressentment but at least for the time of an episode I'm in a bubble of a.lternative universe where i can forget about my life and feel satisfied at once.

like finding a piece of myself that i deliberately broke and burried to never think about it again, and realize far later how it missed to the whole, and how damaged this piece is now, but still is.

and there is something incredibly healing about that. i would never have thought there would be this much healing out of this anger and yet satisfaction. what a strange feeling.

fiction is funny that way. the things people can get out of it to deal with their own psyche are so different one person to the next.

it's just so weird for me to go from "i relate to the horrors this character went through" to "and fuck those horrors. let me think about what could have been if this didnt happen."

even moreso knowing i had this piece of fiction before and didnt approach it that way. there's a time and a mindset for everything. apparently now was the best mindset for me huh

.......

so ye apparently i cant like something like a normal person and have to go on about how it connects to my deeply rooted traumas lmao.

anyway it's been eating me up for weeks now and it's 4:45am i have absolutly no impulse holding me back. if you sat through this piece of work im sorry. just needed it to get it out of my chest.

i'll go back to hugging my cheap-yet-lifesaving c.laire's l.adybug pillow now

good night o/

[ryleejaybyrd]

ANSWER ALL THE EVENS BWAHAHA

Jesus christ Taylor XD Nobody cares but here I go!!!!!!!

lol like how I tried to play it off cool but I’m actually super stoked rn

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

Yes and no... for like the first day of winter when it’s all pretty and pristine but when it get’s to the point of ‘fuck me do i still have toes?’ I’m over it.

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

I like my coffee with french vanilla creamer and lovingly call it my princess froofroo bullshit drink. On the tea side of things I like herbal without anything added becuase I feel like a fairy drinking flower water.

6: do you keep plants? 

I love thinking I could, but the only plant I haven’t killed is the one that I keep in my papa’s sunroom where I’m never anywhere near it because everything I touch dies screaming.

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

Is internal screaming a viable medium? I like to think I can write, but that’s still under investigation

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

I’m all over the place, you can usual tell by my hair tho. Seeing as it sticks straight up on whichever side I sleep on.

12: what's your favorite planet?

Jupiter!! It has all those awesome moons that are v cool.

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?Hmmmmm, it’d probably be a homey mess of books, fandom knicknacks and random coffee mugs with random socks laying everywhere. (there may or may not be a smiley face painted on the wall that is outlined with bullets.. crazy night..)

16: what's your favorite pasta dish?

I’m very uncultured so spaghetti is how imma roll

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

oh god, you mean every other moment I’m in their presence? My shining moment would probably be when I had a minor stroke after getting v excited about making cinnamon pancakes for @klskipper13​ and I stuttered so bad I said “ Cinininamonon pancancancakes” 

20: what's your favorite eye color?

Probably green! 

22: are you a morning person?

HAHAHAHA. that’s cute

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

Honestly I’m a pretty open person? I’ll tell anyone anything, especially if I think it’ll make them laugh.

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

YOU MEAN THE ONES THAT JUST BROKE AND I’M STILL GRIEVING OVER. They’re brown combat boots that go to just under my knee with laces all the way up. I lovingly named them my Katniss boots, may they rest in peace.

28: sunrise or sunset?

I like the idea of sunrise. There’s just something about beginnings that make me all poetic and shit

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

Yup, 100% when my friend and I got busted after drinking at her mormon grandmothers house. In retrospect, probably should have done it elsewhere.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

At my 13th bday party my friends and I were staying at a house on a golf course and we streaked nude up and down the 18th hole. Till this day I wonder if they had surveillance cameras.

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

It was a doe deer beanie baby named Whisper. She was that stuffed animal that went everywhere with me. At age 12 I lost her somewhere at my cousins house and am still sad about it till this day. She had one eye and a pink nail polish stain on her chest. Bonus story: my oldest friend @haleygalik​ had that same beanie baby and gave it to me since I was so upset about losing mine. I still have Whisper 2.0 till this day <3

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now?Right now? Uuhh, I’m not sure tbh. I’m kinda feeling serene so something celticy. I’m also uncultured in music.

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

Dogs that beg when you try to eat. My dad passed that down to me. I will literally stare a dog straight in the eye and eat slowly. Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs more then humans, but that bothers me. I also get very twitchy when a computer desktop is just full of icons (yes I’m talking about you Tay.)

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you?

I have this wedding band set that I found when my great grandma jay passed away. I think it was her wedding rings, but I never knew for sure. I wish I knew their story more then anything.

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

There’s a shop that’s in our town called grump monkey. Its small and kinda modern themed but still comfy.

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?Hmmm, probably when I was swimming in the ocean last November. The ocean is my home.

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

The fact that Barbara Dunkelman from Rooster Teeth is so bad at puns she gave herself the title Barbara Punkelman....

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

Being abducted by one of the aliens from Signs. Well duh.

50: what's an odd thing you collect?

Tbh I don’t collect anything really... but I do have a thing about small intricate boxes and bottles. I don’t usually keep them long tho. I move a lot.

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

The only one I’ve noticed is the thing with the cowboy hat. I’m not the most observant

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

I just saw a friend of my mom’s who’s brother passed away, that was rough.

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

It is so great when people talk with their hands more and more as they get excited. The best story tellers look like they’re being pulled around by a drunk marionette person.

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

@brigadepuppy​ is probably the wine mom, and @klskipper13​ is the vodka aunt who doesnt really drink but has a bottle thats filled with water so people wont nag her to drink with them.

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

Robert Frost is my main bitch. His path diverging in a yellow wood will always be my fave. tho in english class we once read this poem about a lady who kept one of her lovers locked away in a hidden room and continued to sleep by the body even after the person died... to this day i cant find it anywhere. had something to do with roses. creepy as fuck but great.

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

Orange is the bomb!

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

a black satin canvas speckled with the iridescence of millions of different cosmic lights

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

Oh! I really like colorful leaves and vines instead of flowers.

68: what's winter like where you live?

A mythic bitch. #upperleft

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

Fuck to the no. I like not being haunted thank you. Tho, I am 100% convinced a ghost named Tina haunts me. I’ve had flickering lights, random bangs, and things falling off shelfs happen every once in awhile. I’m surprisingly calm about it mostly.

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it?

Absolutely. Helps keep my mind clear too. If i write it down it’s not swirling around in my brain and distracting me. Once its tangible its easy to toss aside.

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

I have only two friends

Friend 1: My lil Asian <3

Friend 2: Lil Bitch

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't?

Oh for sure. I should be buying a ticket from Florida to New York, researching my trip to New Zealand, and double checking my bills are payed. HAHA NEXT QUESTION

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

I’m a fanclub! I have a lot of love for people I’ve never met

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

White, sadly. I didn’t, like I said. I move a lot.

82: are/were you good in school?

100% was a fly on the wall. Put in minimum effort and left with a 3.5 GPA cuz our school system is a joke.

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

Yas!~ I want to do my Harry Potter house with my friends and something to do with space/the ocean or mythical creatures

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

Uh sure, I totally know what those are and they’re great...

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

The lil animatic videos people are doing for musicals! I love them so much!!! For example @galactibun​ and @raythrill​ do some really neat ones! (or at least I’m pretty sure they do??? I always see them blogging that style anyway)

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

Austin! Mainly because Rooster Teeth, but also it was such a vibrant place! I would like to live their someday.

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

All the cheese. It’s cheese with a side of pasta. I love cheese.

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

My Aunt Kelly!

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? 100%  procrastinator. They take forever.

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

Way to long... uh probably last summer with a friends dog! Of course! Being outside is always cathartic

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

I’d go into the past! I’d miss so much if I were to skip ahead that I’d feel anxious I think. 

Here you all go, XD thanks Tay, I appreciate you booboo