#the crab on the bottom left is me irl | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

alteredphoenix · 6 years ago

Text

First Impressions Chapter 50: The Stables Incident (WIP)(Heroes of the Storm)

A/N: So, some context in a nutshell: First Impressions is an out-of-order anthology series that has Sylvanas as the MC in a more Looney Tunes-style Nexus, a central hub where all universes converge and diverge at a singular point due to the Powers That Be that may or may not have summoned them here for purposes that are unknown to them. Except anyone that is brought to the Nexus is infected with a condition called the transition, aka the in-universe term for Out of Character; even the native-born Nexians are not exempt from this, and those that are pulled from their timeline never age, and if they should die they are very shortly brought back aka respawn.

I haven’t touched First Impressions in a long while, mainly because of work, doing WoW fics, and a lot of family drama IRL from 2018 onwards that nearly made me quit writing altogether. But I have felt the itch to get back at it again, even though Heroes of the Storm got its e-sports sector gutted and is running in a slow, lumbering maintenance mode. I’m not really sure if HotS still maintans some semblance of popularity as it did in the past year; I’ve been out of the loop for a while, although I’m sure the minor leagues and community-driven events are still ongoing.

Regardless, I’m posting this preview for archival purposes. I’m also posting it because this marks the start of the legendary Stables Incident, an event in which Sylvanas is accused of slaughtering innocent farm animals (at a place where people store their mounts for matches) out of nowhere. This chapter, however, shows what really happened (spoiler alert: Sylvanas didn’t do it, it was actually an accident, Hammer pressed the button on her tank by mistake during a squabble and, as a result, caused an intergalactic news circus over it).

I’m also posting this because: I love writing smartass-give-no-fucks!Sylvanas, and there must be more of it in the fandom.

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT!”

The music kicked up in a roar so loud it threw Sylvanas off the bench onto the ground as though an invisible hand scooped up her from underneath and bowled her over. She awoke with a painful groan, twisting round onto her stomach to sit up on her elbows. Her ears twitched and swiveled, searching for the source of the music.

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT!”

They flattened down against the sides of her head, shaking more from the vibrations that were causing the ground to quake, the bench to jump, and the squirrels and birds on their respective tree branches to bounce off in chattering, chirping squeaks and squawks than the force driving a jackhammer into her brain. Sylvanas looked behind her, in the direction of the auto body shop with its garage doors opened all the way.

A large, single-barreled cannon was poking its head out, connected to a red plated chassis on massive treads.

Sylvanas snarled, pushed to her feet, and stormed toward the garage.

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT!”

“HAMMER!” Sylvanas yelled, but she could only hear the word in her head; it was like walking into a nightclub on full blast while the mother of all earthquakes, the Even Bigger One (bigger than San Andreas!), was bringing about The End Of The World As They Knew It. The tools on the walls racks and on the benches were rattling. The overhead fluorescent lights and spotlights were flickering and swinging back and forth. Darkness, even the fuel tanks way in the back were shaking in their cages! And Hammer…

Hammer was standing up out of the manhole, swaying and bumping and grinding like a turkey on antihistamines.

“HAMMER!” Sylvanas yelled again, feeling her throat work to outdo the noise. But Hammer still kept on dancing, oblivious to the world. The Banshee Queen glanced around the area. She saw a boombox from the Twenty-First Renaissance Era (which looked like a pyramidal A-track player) on a workbench...but no, nothing was coming out of it. She’d seen and heard it play before; whatever was running at the time would sound like it was being phoned in from a tin can in another municipal district from across an ocean. Then her eyes flicked behind the tank where, some distance away, were the ‘administrative’ offices that were reserved for quiet paperwork, faxing, phone calls, Internet, and maybe a few Jet Briggs’ beer and Easy Green joints were drunk and rolled in private enlightenment (that definition seemed to wax and wane over the years, apparently, but it usually ranged from a blissful stoner’s high to confusion and then to an agoraphobic fear of unseen, probably imaginative eldritch horrors that ranged between pink elephants, hyperrealistic eyes on the walls, and crab people with the heads of famous celebrities dead, alive, and not yet born crawling all over the place). Her eyes went to the ceiling where the speakers were located...but they shook as well, and offered no indication to her addled ears that the music was coming from them.

That left only one other place. “HAMMER, TURN THAT DOWN!”

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT!” were the words Sylvanas could read from Hammer’s lips. “WHAT! WHAT! Doo doo-doo doo doo! Nuh-nuh-nuh! Doo doo-doo doo doo, doo-doo-doo--”

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT!”

Sylvanas clenched her fists, her body shaking in time with the music. She mimicked taking a breath, reared back, and, calling upon the dark magic inside her, focused the font of power to nestle in her lungs and up her throat. Then she leaned forward and screamed. “HAAAAAMEEEERRRRR! TURN THAT THING OFF!”

The last syllable finally knocked Hammer out of her dance-induced stupor, blowing her back (and, Sylvanas thought morosely, not ass over tea kettle off the tank) from the amplified force. She caught herself, looked around, and saw the Banshee Queen glaring death and mayhem below her. “AW SNAP! SORRY, SORRY! EH, UH, G-GIVE ME ONE SEC! HOLD ON! WHERE’S THAT DAMN...AHA!” She doubled over, rooting around for the stereo, and when she found it turned it off.

Sylvanas had never found complete, total silence to be such an aether-given blessing until today. Like nirvana for mind, body, and soul. The quintessential out-of-body experience where one became attuned to nature and all that is not industrial.

Until I leave and she starts up again, she concluded. “You’re welcome,” Sylvanas drawled sardonically.

“Girl, I’m so sorry! I didn’t even know you were down there!” said Hammer. “Y-You weren’t waitin’ long, were ya?”

“I was waiting for an hour.”

Hammer clapped her hands to her cheeks. “Holy shit! Damn, girl, I’m really sorry--”

“Yeah, you should be. I actually just got here.”

“Eh? What? Really?”

“Yes, really!” Sylvanas said. “I was having a nice, simple rest on the bench outside and your stupid music woke me up! I swear to Darkness, woman, are you trying to move the Anchors out of position? Do you want to get us all killed?”

“N-Nah, girl, not at all! It’s just”--and Hammer flailed--”It’s such a nice day out, ya know? And it’s Sunday, which means all the auto shops are closed. An’ that also means I can work to mah heart’s content! No disruptions! No phone calls! No Kaijo suddenly tearing through the fabric of the space-time continuum! I can actually get stuff on time now, and at my own pace!”

“So I guess if I brought a motorcycle in, I’ll be expecting it by next spring as a belated Winter Veil present.”

“What? No! Girl, I ain’t that slow!”

“A tortoise, a snail, and a sloth could compete against you and they’d still win the race.”

“Hell no they wouldn’t! I have a tank, they don’t. I would just run ‘em over!”

Sylvanas rolled her eyes. “You are such a humanitarian it makes my heart bleed.”

“Well that’s what they’d get for messin’ with a siege tank!”

“You do realize there’s a noise ordnance of seventy-five feet, right?”

Hammer grinned wolfishly. “Ain’t no such thing as a noise ordnance if there’s no one around to complain about it.”

“Except for me,” said Sylvanas.

“Are ya really gonna tell on me?”

“No, but I’ll have ten reasons to tell you where to go if you do that again.”

“Ten reasons?” Hammer quirked a brow.. “What are they?”

“I punch you in the face with my left fist and then punch you with my right fist. If I add onto that, I’ll have ninety-nine reasons and a headbutt to make you quiet. Let’s also not forget I can just kick when you’re down, and by that point I’ll have lost count.”

“That’s a helluva lot of reasons to have...and money! Lots of money to pay for medical bills!”

“I can think of ways to accrue the cash and avoid jail time. You think this lackadaisical government can stop me?”

“Well,” Hammer said, digging a pinkie finger into her ear, “they are a little slow on the uptake. They ain’t exactly unnatural like we are. They’re more...what’s the word...normal.”

“You’re far from normal,” Sylvanas muttered.

“Eh? What?” Hammer asked.

“I said, what the hell are you working on that’s made you put the music on full blast?” Sylvanas lied smoothly. “What about it is so important you haven’t had the cops called on you yet?”

Hammer laughed uproariously. “This? This! My good friend! Is the latest in Jeetilopolis technological warfare!”

Sylvanas appraised it with a slow, long sweep of her eyes. “A single shot cannon?”

“Not just any single shot cannon! It’s a single shot cannon bought straight from the auction block all the way in Jeetilopolis! I spent just about my entire checking account on getting this thing, and spent almost the entirety of my savings on shipping and handling!”

“You can’t be that stupid.”

“What people think is stupid is actually smart! Besides, how’s a woman gonna get by in life if she can’t dip a little?”

“Hammer, spending every copper, silver, and gold on a cannon that is more than likely going to be faulty is not dipping a little. That’s jumping headfirst out of a plane without a parachute and hoping you time your angle just right so you can land in a lake that’ll be deep enough to sustain your impact and not kill you on the spot.”

“And when I hit rock bottom, will it be filled with gold?”

“Whatever it is, I won’t be joining you to find out.”

Hammer made an annoyed sound by blowing her lips. “Aw, c’mon! It’ll be fun!”

“Maybe for you, but I have no intentions of going into bankruptcy.”

“That ain’t gonna happen! You know why?”

“No,” Sylvanas drawled dryly. “Tell me why.”

“Because there was one other thing I got while I was in Jeetilopolis. One little thing that’ll give this baby here one helluva big wallop that’ll scare the bejeesus out o’ people! You wanna know what that is?”

“Not really.”

“Guess!”

Sylvanas sighed. “Do I have to--”

“Yeah! Come on! Take a guess!”

“Fine. Let me think.” Sylvanas feigned contemplation, making a show of looking away and tapping her chin. Then she snapped her fingers. “I got it. A brain.”

“Nuh-uh! Already have one,” said Hammer, and rapped her fists on her helmet for emphasis.

“Two brains.”

“No!”

“Three.”

“Now what am I supposed ta do with that many brains, eh? Play tsukkome and bokke with one while the other plays the straight man...brain...thing? Actually, on second thought,” Hammer added, thoughtfully, “I could probably palaver with them and get some pretty neat ideas for the tank. Yeah.” She nodded approval. “Yeah, that ain’t such a bad idea! But, uh, that ain’t what’s in this thing! It’s somethin’ better than a brain!”

“And that would be…?”

“Aether,” Hammer breathed. “I got me some gods be damned aether in a bottle for fifteen thousand gold! That’s cheap!”

Sylvanas gave her a blank stare, then nodded complete and total understanding. “Okay. So you get blitzed off the life-energy of the universe. It all makes sense now.”

“Did you just call me stupid?”

“No.” Sylvanas shook her head slowly, and drawled dryly, “No. Why would I ever say that?”

“’Cause this ain’t just the life energy of the universe!” Hammer slapped a hand down hard on the base of the manhole. “This is the answer to all my problems! This baby right here can store so much oomph in here...why, I think I might have just become a god!”

“Aether-based weaponry is banned from the League.”

Hammer grinned wickedly. “Not if they don’t find out! All’s I have to do is get the energy output tuned to its usual optimized settings and those old bats and goats in the Houses will be none the wiser! Ahahahahahaha! I’m a genius, Sylvanas!” she cried, throwing her arms up in the air. “A bonafide, grade-A genius!”

“Joy to the world, God is good,” Sylvanas grumbled, shaking her head.

“Hey, I’m thinkin’ of taking the tank out for a test firin’ out in the Shadowskirts in a bit; don’t want the authorities to catch wind of this! You wanna check ‘er out before I go?”

Sylvanas shrugged. “Why not. Not like I have anything better to do.”

#heroes of the storm #first impressions #sylvanas windrunner #fanfiction #preview #mywriting

2 notes · View notes

magmasliveblogs · 6 years ago

Text

1.12

aaaaaaaaaaand im back with the 14th chapter! irl stuff is semi dealt with so i have time for the three updates! to recap: last chapter was an interlude, where we discovered erin was summoned as part of some ritual to summon heroes. only one group was actually summoned to the ritual site, with the rest being summoned across the world. to recap the last actual chapter, erin saved pisces from execution by withdrawing her testimony of him being a [necromancer]

Erin woke up. Generally this was an ordeal. Today however, it was fairly easy. Because the real ordeal would come later.

Such as right after breakfast. Erin stared glumly at the three shriveled blue fruits on her plate. She bit the first experimentally and chewed. And chewed. And chewed.

“Rubbery.”

It was incredibly difficult to chew the fruits. The skin on these ones were so tough to bite into, it did remind Erin of eating rubber. Not that she’d ever done that since she was a baby.

Plus, they’d lost their delicious juices and tasted—well, flat. There was no sweetness left in them, and they were quite, quite unappetizing when you put all these qualities together. But Erin ate them, mainly because she had nothing left to eat.

“I’m in trouble. Yup, yup.”

It wasn’t that she was out of blue fruits. There were plenty—well, some—still ready to be harvested from the orchard. But they, like all food, were in limited supply. Besides, the issue wasn’t that. It was her guests.

“Who’d want to eat blue fruits all day? Raise your hand if that sounds like fun.”

Erin didn’t raise her hand. Granted, they were tasty and made a good fruit drink, but when you got down to it, they were still just fruits.

“And I want food. Real food. Not fruit. I want bread! I want pasta! I want pizza and soda and salad and ice cream—actually forget the ice cream. I need meat. Or fish that doesn’t bite back! I want sushi, cheeseburgers and fries, toast, waffles…cereal…”

Erin pressed her hands to her rumbling stomach and tried not to cry.

“Even instant ramen would be nice. Is that too much to ask?”

It was. She knew that. But just thinking about the food made her tear up a bit. She could handle Goblins. She could deal with rude Necromancers and fight off evil rock-crabs. She could even handle giant fish that tried to nibble on her when she took a bath. But she wanted food.

“Plus, I need to feed my guests.”

Erin nodded. The math was simple. No food = no guests = no money = starvation. But the little flaw in the equation was that in order to get the food, she’d need to spend the money. And she had no way of doing that.

“Unless I go to the city.”

finally! we are going to the city! its been so long since she initially noticed it!

Now, that was a thought. She wasn’t sure if that was a good thought, but it was the only option she had available. The city. Erin went to the window. Relc had shown her where it was…

“There.”

Erin stared at the small buildings in the distance. It looked far. But then, everything looked far around here. And the city would have things. Like food. And clothing. And toothbrushes. Still, Erin didn’t want to go.

“It’s far. But I have to go. Maybe? Yes…no. No? Yes. I need food. And I need to feed my guests. It’s my duty as an innkeeper.”

She paused and thought about that last statement. Erin collapsed into a chair and cradled her head in her hands.

“Am I an innkeeper? Is that what this world is doing to me?”

Maybe. It was probably the [Innkeeper] class.

“Soon I’ll grow a huge beer belly and start hauling around kegs of ale. That’s what innkeepers do, right?”

She didn’t actually know. It wasn’t as if she’d ever paid that much attention to medieval history, at least the parts that were actually history.

“They never mentioned innkeepers in the legend of King Arthur. Or did they?”

There was no Google to help her so Erin abandoned that train of thought. Really, she was distracting herself. The problem she was facing was simple.

“To go to the city or not, that is the question. Actually, there’s no question. I need to go to the city. I need to go…shopping.”

Shopping. It would be a lot more appealing if she wasn’t trying to buy things to survive. But it had to be done. She knew it.

Still. Erin really, really didn’t like that idea. She liked people, she really did. But she had a negative reaction to A: leaving her safe inn, and B: travelling to a far off city probably full of giant lizards and insects that walked on two feet.

erin. its the difference between being uncomfortable and being dead. i know that being alive is much better than being dead

Glumly, she stared at the three sticky blue fruit cores on her plate. She walked outside and threw them as far as she could. The juices left her hands feeling unpleasantly sticky, but there wasn’t much she could do about it.

“Guess I’ve gotta go to the stream. Who knew washing your hands was so much work?”

Erin grumbled as she wiped her hand on her jeans. Then she paused. And looked down.

Her jeans were blue. The blue fruit juice was blue. But against all odds, the blue stain still showed up quite visibly on her clothing. Or rather, the blue fruit stains. And they weren’t just on her pants.

Erin’s shirt was a nice, commercial t-shirt with a lovely company logo on the front and back. Really, she wasn’t that attached to it, but it was perfect to wear when she was just staying at home. It wasn’t her choice of clothing.

…Which was good, because Erin would have cried if she’d inflicted the same damage on a t-shirt she really liked. She gazed down at the blue stains covering her shirt. She poked at the rips and cuts on the sleeves and the burn marks on one side. She lifted the shirt, sniffed once, and gagged.

For the first time Erin felt at her hair. She raised a hand and smelled her breath. She thought about the last time she’d brushed her teeth, taken a bath, or even used soap. Then she tried to shut down her mind.

“Well, that settles that. I’m off to the city.”

good that we are finally going, but i do find it kinda funny that its her hygiene thats the last straw

Erin walked through the grass. She wished there was a nice road to follow, but for some reason no one bothered to pave a road through the empty wilderness. Come to that, she wondered again why anyone would build an inn in the middle of nowhere.

Maybe there used to be more people in the area. Or maybe there was just an idiot who thought he was breaking into an untapped market. Either way, Erin was grateful for the inn.

“But why does it have to be so far away from anything?”

Erin walked down the slope. At least there was that. The inn was located on an incline. Not a steep hill, but a really long slope that gradually went down the more she walked. It was nice, until Erin looked back and realized she’d be climbing up all that way again soon.

“Wow. That’s a big hill.”

She stared for a while and kept walking. Relc and Klbkch had called the journey to the city a walk of about twenty minutes.

“They lied to me.”

Or maybe they just walked really fast. Erin could actually see the city Klbkch had called Liscor in the distance. It was still small, but given how close it seemed now compared to before and multiplying her velocity by her legs and given energy divided by her willingness to keep walking…

“Thirty minutes. No; probably an hour. Yeah, that sounds about right.”

Erin sighed. But exercise was good for her, right? It built character. Or something.

perhaps the guards have movement/speed related skills? or are they just taller/have longer strides

“So, what do I need?”

She took a quick inventory check. Her coins were securely packed into the bottom of one pocket. They were heavy. She had her clothes on, which was important, and she looked like…well, like a homeless person. But she had money. So what should she buy with it?

“Um. Clothing. Right. And soap. And a toothbrush, if they have toothbrushes. And toothpaste…which they probably don’t have. But something. And I need food obviously, soap, towels, laundry deter—more soap, and a comb.”

Erin walked a few more feet.

“And a sword. I need a sword. And a shield? And armor? And uh, anti-Goblin spray? Oh, and books! Tons of books. Maps, history books…can I read any of that? Well, Relc and Klbkch speak English. So that’s weird too. And I need bandages, a sewing needle, someone to teach me how to sew…”

Erin felt at her pocket. The coins jingled. She wished there were more to jingle.

“And I need to rob a bank.”

Okay. Erin retraced her thoughts.

“What’s essential?”

She counted off on her fingers.

“Clothing. Food. Toothbrush. Soap. And a lamp.”

She snapped her fingers.

“Right. A lamp! And a sword.”

She felt at her pocket.

“…Just the lamp.”

you are not rich erin, you cant afford a sword and all that stuff.

Flat grass, flat grass, all I see is flat grass.”

Erin sang as she walked. She wasn’t sure if there was a tune, but at least the singing kept her company.

“Horses eat grass, but I’ll pass, so I’ll go to the city fast. Or I’ll die of starvation! And once I’m there I’ll eat ten pears and—hey, is that a Goblin?”

Erin turned her head suddenly and the small head ducked down. She squinted. Yes, that was definitely a Goblin. It was hiding up on a small hill to her left, but she knew it was still there. Watching her.

Well. She was being followed. Erin wasn’t sure what to make of that. She looked around and two more heads disappeared as their owners dove for cover. They didn’t look like they were trying to ambush her, just follow her.

“Hm.”

Erin bent down and searched the grass. Eventually she found what she was looking for. She waited until one of the Goblins decided she’d forgotten about them and poked his head up again. Then she turned and shouted.

“Shoo!”

Erin hurled the rock. It missed the Goblin’s head. And the hill. But the green midget took the hint and disappeared in an instant. Erin sighed to herself.

“Great. They’re like cockroaches. Evil, giant, green cockroaches. With teeth. And sharp knives. And red eyes.”

She wondered what she should do. Then she thought about what she could actually do.

Erin kept walking.

The city kept getting larger the further she walked. She felt at some point it should stop getting bigger, but soon the buildings loomed in her vision. They were no skyscrapers, but they were taller than she felt medieval buildings should be. But the city was still far away. So she walked.

And she was being watched. Multiple pairs of eyes stared at the young woman as she walked through the grass. They watched her for signs of weakness, for things that could be exploited. She was watched. Occasionally she turned around and threw a stone.

goblins! goblins are watching!

When Erin got to the city gates she stared up for a while.

“That’s a big wall.”

It was a big understatement. The wall was high. And that was high even by wall standards. It was nearly forty feet tall, which Erin had no way of knowing was perfectly normal for a wall. She had no way of knowing it was forty feet tall either. She just thought it was big.

But what was unusual about this particular wall, and what Erin did notice was the way the gate was constructed. It was no iron grating of a portcullis with handy holes to shoot and poke at enemies, but two solid metal doors. Erin wondered why, as the gates looked solid and hard to budge. They were, and for a reason. But she didn’t find out that reason until much later.

hmm, large plains, solid doors, everything is built on hills. does this area flood often?

Erin approached the gate. There wasn’t really anyone else going through at the moment, so she felt very alone and small as she walked up to them. She stopped when she saw the guard.

He was big. He was armored. He was also a Drake, and he had yellow scales rather than green ones. Pale yellow, so Erin was reminded of popcorn. He also had a curved sword, and so it was with trepidation that she approached.

“…Hi.”

The Drake flicked his eyes down towards Erin and then resumed looking off into the distance. He was holding a spear at his side and a metal buckler on his left arm. Since he wasn’t using either to bash her to death, Erin considered this to be a good first start.

“Um. Nice weather, isn’t it?”

Again, the guard glanced at her. Again, he didn’t respond.

“…Right. It’s just that I’m new here. And I’m Human. Nice to meet you. My name is Erin. I uh, know another guy who works with you. Relc? And Klb…Klb…the insect guy? So yeah. They know me. I’m no threat. And uh, I saw some Goblins running around a while back. They’re not here right now, but I felt you should know.”

The Drake sighed audibly. And loudly.

just, ugh. i would normally skip this interaction because i dont like awkward scenes like this, but its very short

“Go on in, Human. Anyone can enter the city.”

“Right. Thanks. Uh, have a nice day!”

Erin smiled. He didn’t smile back.

“I’ll just be going. Now.”

She walked past the guard. As she walked through the iron gates she heard him mutter under his breath.

“Humans.”

see?

Erin’s smile froze a bit on her face but she kept walking as if she’d heard nothing. Everyone was grumpy when they had to stand and deal with obnoxious tourists. And besides, he was just a guard. She walked through the imposing gates into the city. And then she had to stop.

Because she had entered Liscor. A city of the fiery Drakes, built with the help of the industrious Antinium. Home to the prideful Gnolls and the occasional Beastkin, not to be confused with one another. Visited by many races, home to countless more. And now entering—

One human.

oo gnolls! that means dog/hyena people, yes? also beast kin! this probably mean other animal people.

also, this is the end of the chapter! will erin experience a good bit of racism? is there a reason humans arent that common in the area? are these plains flood plains?

see you on the next post! ive got to eat so after that i shall post the next two chapters

#chrono

2 notes · View notes

easyhairstylesbest · 5 years ago

Text

Cancer Monthly Horoscope

MONTH OF January

Monthly Snapshot

Ready for a little fun in ’21, Cancer? Here it comes! Your ambition’s been on fire since the second half of 2020 started, and you could have made serious headway on some key goals. Relationships have been percolating, too—and given the conditions of the world, it’s amazing how unstoppable you’ve been in the face of things.

That said…are you edging into burnout, or just ready to mix things up? This January, your social life sparks up once again. True, much of it may be virtual. But once the collaborative camaraderie starts heating up, you’ll still get the warm-fuzzy feeling of bonding with supportive and like-minded people. Join a mastermind, initiate a daily or weekly group call or hop into virtual workshops.

Another part of you will savor having more privacy because Jupiter and Saturn are spending their first full month (of a long visit) in Aquarius and your intimate eighth house. While Mars has you branching out to new connections, this cosmic duo also wants you to stock your innermost circle with power players, perhaps even teaming up for a potent business or romantic connection.

As one Cancer friend of ours sheepishly confessed, “I don’t really mind having to stay home. Is that bad?” Not to make light of the pandemic, but home IS your happy place. You love nesting and working in your comfiest clothes—at least from the waist down, where the webcams don’t pan (“business on the top, party on the bottom,” anyone?).

Speaking of webcams, you’ll want to back up your data and devices before Mercury, the planet of all things digital and communicative, turns retrograde on January 30. Since the quicksilver planet will impact some of your closest ties, you’ll want to make sure you have everything clearly spelled out between you before the end of the month.

Week 1: January 1-10

A social life reboot

Commune with your Crab crew! A nearly two-month cycle of networking and collaboration begins this week, and you couldn’t be more ready for it. Much as you love your solo time, you equally enjoy bonding with kindred spirits. And the feeling is mutual—as you could soon find yourself in high demand for every meeting or Zoom game night. Even if you can’t get together IRL with people, you can make generous use of online platforms and virtual groups to forge new connections and strengthen existing ones.

What’s causing this spike in your popularity…not to mention the strong urge to branch out beyond your usual clique? On Wednesday, January 6, go-getter Mars wraps up an extended six-month visit to Aries and your career-driven tenth house, which has kept many Cancers focused on professional goals at the expense of your personal life. Next up: Mars will pay a visit to Taurus and your teamwork sector until March 3, and the invitations will start rolling in again.

With Mars in Aries since June 27, 2020, you may have felt excess pressure around work and other responsibilities. This transit also amplified job stress—or gave you anxiety about finding or keeping a job. Long hours and short deadlines may have had you burning the candle at both ends. Perhaps there were weighty duties on your shoulders as you kept your squad afloat during the pandemic.

On the upside, it’s possible you achieved some important recognition for all your hard work. You may have been totally fired up about a project, even happy to put the blinders on and obsessively work on your pet project. But at times you may have felt like the burden was too great to carry alone.

From January 6 until March 3, Mars will blaze through Taurus and your eleventh house of collaboration and technology. Even if you keep working away, you don’t have to do it alone! Now’s the time to create new friendships and build your dream team. With all this hyped-up energy in your group sector, it’s less about what you “do” and more about “who you know.”

Could your tech skills use an upgrade? Invest in getting current on apps, social media or any digital platforms that can increase efficiency. Are you ready to launch that podcast you’ve been thinking about? Dive in! Freshen up your online profiles too; you could draw attention from a powerhouse group so you’ll want to put your best and most current face forward.

Week 2: January 11-17

A shell of a dilemma

Commune with your clique or hibernate in your cozy shell? You’ll be torn between dueling desires for group hangs and private encounters this week, which could create some stress. Balancing alone time and together time will be key. Make sure you don’t overbook yourself with meetings and meetups, whether virtual or IRL. But don’t leave your calendar so blank that you plummet into the post-holiday winter blues.

This week, activators Mars and Uranus are both making moves in Taurus and your eleventh house of group activity. But they’ll run into resistance from expansive Jupiter and staunch Saturn in Aquarius and your private, controlling eighth house. As Mars and Uranus push you into the public eye or a team setting, Jupiter and Saturn are feeling more controlling than democratic, cautioning you not to give away your power too readily.

It all begins on Wednesday, January class=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” 13, when speedy Mars locks into a tense square with cautious Saturn. The effect can feel like having one foot on the gas, the other on the brake. While you may be tempted to rush into a collaboration, Saturn warns you to read all the fine print. Make sure you’re not signing away your rights or leaping too quickly into a situation that’s hard to pull out of if things go south.

Have you been feeling isolated—or, on the flip side, overwhelmed by too much group or screen time (hello #ZoomFatigue)? This Thursday, January 14, changemaker Uranus ends a five-month retrograde in Taurus and your eleventh house of teamwork and technology. A collaboration that stalled mid-August could pick up speed, especially on a virtual basis. You could be inspired to re-engage with the world, perhaps getting involved in a cause you care about. Don’t overthink it! With zero planets retrograde for the next two weeks, it’s a great time to make decisive moves.

Also on Thursday, the Sun and powerhouse Pluto make their once-a-year meetup, communing in Capricorn and your seventh house of partnerships. Being part of a dynamic duo could seriously build your cache. Look for people whose skills complement yours, but beware coming across as opportunistic—and steer clear of anyone who gives you “user-friendly” vibes!

Do you think you’re better off alone? The pull between going deep in one direction versus keeping things open-ended gets extra strong this Sunday, January 17, when two of the most freedom-seeking planets, Jupiter and Uranus, move into an embattled square. This only happens every seven years (the last Jupiter-Uranus square was in 2014).

Should you hold your cards close to your vest and wait for a bigger, better opportunity? Jupiter in your strategic eighth house could have you thinking this way. But impulsive Uranus in your group activity zone makes you want to leap into a collaboration and let the chips fall where they may.

Neither is right, as tends to be the case with planetary squares. Weigh your options before deciding which direction to take. This could play into a business partnership, a friendship or a romantic relationship. By keeping things exclusive, there’s opportunity to grow—but there’s a whole other adventure waiting if you give yourself breathing room and DON’T commit. The losses and gains seem equally stacked in either direction. When in doubt, wait it out!

Week 3: January 18-24

Temper your emotions before you act

Hunker down and set your notifications to “do not disturb,” Cancer. On Tuesday, January 19, the Sun shifts into Aquarius and your private, internal eighth house until February 18, joining Mercury, Jupiter and Saturn in the Water Bearer’s lair. Although your social sector is revved up, make sure to set aside quality one-on-one time for that special person or pet project.

But good luck getting any uninterrupted time on Wednesday, January 20. That day, hyperkinetic Mars and radical changemaker Uranus link up in Taurus and your eleventh house of group activity, making all collaborations extra dynamic. But you’ll also be a bit of a live wire, which could rub people the wrong way.

The energy is fast, sharp and erratic, and if you get too caught up in that, you could come across as overwhelming or even as a loose cannon. (Think of fellow Cancerian Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire…or on Oprah’s couch.) If you feel suppressed in a group, that could bring out an explosive or reactive side of you. Don’t let your ego get the best of you, Crab. Demanding to be heard might get you the floor, but it could also leave other people feeling strong-armed into doing things your way. You’ll win the battle but lose the war when they’re left feeling bulldozed and resentful.

Another day to keep your emotions in check arrives class=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” on Saturday, January 23. Rash Mars and impulsive Jupiter lock into a tense square (https://astrostyle.com/aspects/square), which could bring out your inner know-it-all. There could be power struggles and ego trips. But before you engage, ask yourself: What are you really trying to achieve here?

A bit of temperance arrives today as the “me first” Sun makes its annual conjunction with sober and restrained Saturn. As these two connect in Aquarius and your intimate eighth house, you could get a harsh reality check. Perhaps someone you trusted, even poured emotional or financial resources into, is turning out to be a less-than-stellar investment. Maybe you rushed to confront someone or got swept up in the excitement of an idea before conducting your research.

The Sun-Saturn conjunction is often a harsh or pessimistic day, a moment that can feel like you’ve been put in the penalty box. But during such a volatile week, this transit could act like the “adult in the room,” stopping you from doing something self-destructive based on raw emotion. Better to request a few more days to think something over than rush into a bad decision. (Our advice: Set your sights on the illuminating full moon of January 28!)

Week 4: January 25-31

Sharing is caring—up to a point

Intensity is afoot this week, with a big batch of cosmic action brewing in Aquarius and your eighth house of intimacy, shared resources and investments. The Sun, Mercury, Jupiter and Saturn are all crowded together in this loyal sign, placing unusual emphasis on the chart zone where you deeply merge or join forces with others.

On Tuesday, January 26, the Aquarius Sun will square off against disruptor Uranus in stubborn Taurus, echoing the tension of the January 17 Jupiter-Uranus square. Once again, you could feel pulled between your desire for privacy in a tight, intimate circle and the adventurous allure of collaborating with a larger, more inclusive group.

Do you cave to the crowd or follow your inner GPS? Early this week, your intuition could send frantic signals to not go along with the herd or share your state secrets with someone who hasn’t proven themselves trustworthy. And why should you, Cancer? You don’t have to divulge private information to anyone—not even your closest confidantes—until you’re ready. But make sure you’re not being SO secretive that you miss an opportunity to team up with a powerful person who can advance your cause.

Here’s an idea: Sit tight until Thursday, January 28, when the first full moon of 2021 arrives in lucky Leo and your second house of work and money. La luna will rev up your revenue and bring a potentially profitable project to a turning point. If you’ve been job-hunting or in line for a raise or promotion, these moonbeams could manifest that with a roar! Ready to ditch a self-defeating habit and get your resolutions in gear? Start now.

Even better? This Thursday, the Sun will conjunct expansive Jupiter for its once-a-year meetup, now dubbed the Day of Miracles and considered by astrologers to be one of the luckiest days of the year. As these luminaries unite in innovator Aquarius, they could bring news of a joint venture, an investment or a large financial windfall. In your personal life, the Sun-Jupiter conjunction might herald an engagement, a sexy soulmate connection or a move toward more permanent status. The sky’s the limit with these two abundant and confident planets in sync!

Strikeclass=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” while the iron’s hot though, because on Saturday, January 30, Mercury, the planet of communication and technology, will turn retrograde in erratic Aquarius until February 20. As Mercury scrambles signals in your intimate eighth house, old embers of mistrust or jealousy could flare up. With Aquarius’ independent, free-ranging energy at play, an ex (yours or your partner’s) could make an unexpected guest appearance. Tempting? Maybe. Toxic? If so..step away.

LOVE & ROMANCE:

Love has been all about goals since the beginning of summer, thanks to passionate Mars marching through Aries and your tenth house of long-term plans since June 27. This extended visit (four times longer than usual!) ends on January 6. If you’ve been anxious about where things are going or overly fixated on the future, that should change after the first week of the year.

From January 6 to March 3, Mars will freestyle through Taurus and your eleventh house of platonic and casual connections. The vibe should lighten up, and you could be attracted to someone in your friend group or who you meet online. Even if you have to keep things virtual with COVID restrictions, you won’t mind as much. Right now, you don’t feel like being overly pinned down with anyone!

And yet…things could get deeper than you expect after January 8, when romantic Venus shifts into Capricorn, igniting your committed relationship house until February 1. Even if you’re just getting to know each other, you’ll still be able to playfully and candidly talk about the future.

For couples, spending time together can be lighthearted and fun after January 8—and that’s a good thing since it’s likely you’ll be together a lot. Give each other lots of space and respect the other’s autonomy, which you’ll also be needing in large doses.

On January 9, Venus and Mars form a supportive 90-degree trine. Sparks could fly with a friend and you might get more experimental with your mate. With the love planets aligned in grounded earth signs, as long as you talk about your feelings and respect your partner’s needs, there’s almost no limit to how far you can stretch.

Key Dates:

January 9: Venus-Mars trine

Bring on the lasting love! As affectionate Venus and passionate Mars harmonize in stable earth signs, you could have true romance with all the trimmings—sensuality and stability. Skip the “come here now go away” players and their mixed messages. A partner who makes you feel secure is suddenly the most attractive catch in town. Coupled? Mark a long-term relationship with a thoughtful gift to let your mate know how much you cherish them.

MONEY & CAREER:

Dear Reader: To bring you cutting-edge financial and career astrology, we’ve replaced ourclass=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” monthly Money & Career horoscope with an expanded new offering. And we’re bursting with excitement to announce it!

We invite you to join the waitlist for our Astropreneurs community, where we’ll be sharing tools, trainings and cosmic career coaching in 2021 and beyond! Whether you’re an entrepreneur, a dreamer with a side hustle or just looking for deeper satisfaction from your work, we’ll guide you to your path and purpose by the stars.

2021 Vision Board Experience: January 28 class=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” with The AstroTwins Ready to design a path that truly fulfills you in 2021? Join us for a star-powered live online event to create success, leadership and impact on January 28, 2021. Tickets available at https://astrostyle.com/visionboard21

Love Days: 8, 11

Money Days: 19, 28

Luck Days: 26, 16

Off Days: 24, 10, 13

See All Signs

Shop ELLE.com’s Exclusive Zodiac PopSockets

Aries Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Aries Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Taurus Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Taurus Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Gemini Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Gemini Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Cancer Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Cancer Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Leo Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Leo Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Virgo Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Virgo Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Libra Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Libra Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Scorpio Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Scorpio Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Sagittarius Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Sagittarius Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Aquarius Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Aquarius Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Pisces Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Pisces Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Capricorn Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Capricon Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

The AstroTwins Identical twin sisters Ophira and Tali Edut (The AstroTwins), have been ELLE.com‘s official astrologers for over a decade.

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io

Cancer Monthly Horoscope

#cancer astrology

0 notes