#the name actually...has nothing to do with how the octopus acts or how it feeds

[causticflower]

hadm day 6: Mumbo! + mermay: vampire octopus :>

[slashingdisneypasta]

Hello. What about a villain SO who adores animals for Captain Hook, Hades, Dr. Facilier, Bill Cipher, Beetlejuice, and Jafar? Thank you hun😊🍯

Hope you like these ^^

~~~

Beetlejuice:

·         I wouldn’t put it past him to make one or two beastiality jokes…

·         But apart from that, he doesn’t half mind animals either! (And he finds it endearing to see you playing with them, not that he cares to identify at all the warm, soothing feeling in his chest when he sees you boop your nose against a tortoise’s.) He’d love a dog, or… a tiger. A dinosaur would be ideal.

·         But actually, its animals that tend to have a problem with him.

·         Cuz of course animals are a lot more sensitive than humans tend to be to ghosts, and demons, and souls. And his soul is pretty damn mucky. BJ has met exactly zero animal’s so far (Since his death) that haven’t taken an immediate dislike of him. They hiss at him, or growl, or try to wriggle away even if they aren’t being held by him; Just nearby to him.

·         He scares them because they can feel his evil and want nothing to do with it.

·         So your dreams of adopting a dog with your new ghostie bf will need to be put on a back burner. Maybe he can lasso a sandworm and y’all can name her Rose and she can be your pet? He absolutely does not want you to be sad because of him!!

Bill Cipher:

·         “ooOOH, what kind? Anglerfish? Clown fish? Sharks? Lobsters? Giant Squid? Wolffish? The Textile Cone Snail’s native to the Red Sea, Indian Ocean and Oceania waters? Octopus? Lock Ness Monster? Mermaids? Shrimp? Koi? M E G A L A D O N S? OH OH- THE KRAKEN?”

·         “Wow, that was a lotta underwater stuff. I mean, yeah, they’re all great but also land animals and birds… And I don’t think all those are actually real?”

·         “Heheh, that’s what you think… “His body loses its colour and becomes like a Bill Shaped screen, like he does sometimes when he’s brainstorming, and you just catch a picture of somewhere under the ocean and a beautiful, purple tale flapping out of the picture and a flash of soft, human skin just above it. Your eyes blow wide open. ���Y/N, remember 80 percent of the ocean is unexplored.”

·         SO, yeah. Bill’s really into underwater creatures. It is the most mysterious part of earth and in it lives some of the world’s freakiest creatures.

·         He’ll install a whole aquarium in your house out of excitement, and inside? Nothing but angler fish, giant squids to watch you while you sleep and beautifully coloured sea snails climbing up the glass walls.

·         Land animals though and birds? Very little interest. Birds get points only for being close to dinosaurs (You ask about reptiles in that case and his eye inverts in its colouring. His ‘skin’ goes red. “Those jerks know what they did.”), but still he’d much rather talk about star fish! Get ready to be more educated about the ocean’s weirdest creatures and mysterious happenings then you ever wanted to be.

Captain Hook:

·         He has very confused feelings about this- especially when you act so chummy with Tik Tok who, naturally, loves you and your T-Bone steak snacks.

·         On one hand, if you’re feeding Tik Tok then Tik Tok probably won’t feel the need or be able, to eat him.

·         But on the other- bEtrAyER! How could you feed and love that monster, that has plagued his life for years and made his existence a living hell?

·         But then again, the fact that Tik Tok is now often too full to bother with him rears its head again and he calms down.

·         Because of this, its typical that he says nothing when you have animals around (Any animal. They all remind him of Tik Tok. Scales, fur, or feather). He’ll want to. Gosh, the need to speak will overflow in his throat and he’ll take a deep breath- … but then no words come out. He forces it down. Because he can’t mention his dislike without mentioning his relief also, so speaking at all would really just make you confused and feel bad and leave him frustrated because he doesn’t know how either of you could change to make this better for anyone, so its just not worth it.  

·         So then he just walks away.

·         Its pretty humorous to see, actually. Because he’s just all grumpy and slouching off, maybe shaking his head and muttering, and you’re all wide eyed and confused. Holding, like, a budgie or a snake or something.

·         The other pirates are keeping a tally.

·         Bonus point: He’s not scared (Or allergic) of any other animals apart from Tik Tok, so you don’t have to worry about him being skittish or anything.

Dr Facilier:

·         Frogs are a difficult subject for him so enjoy amphibian cuties somewhere that he is not, please. Also rabbits- there was an incident before you came along that he does not speak of.

·         Other then that, Facilier is basically a normal person about animals. He can appreciate a nice zoo visit every now and then and pet the odd dog or cat but with you in his life he never wants to go to a zoo again. And he’s bored as hell by everyday pets.

·         But he won’t tell you he’s sick of all the animals. Nay, nay. Its one of those things where you love the person, so you put up with the crazy/annoying shit they love. Like ‘Yes, yes. Very interesting, cher… ‘ when you talk about it, while he’s actually reading the newspaper and he hasn’t heard anything you said. After all, you stay quiet when he’s plotting or cackling over something he did to a victim that day. Its only fair.

·         He is fascinated, though, when he’s just watching you (Sometimes he just sits back and observes you doing your thing. Its relaxing for him) and he notices little quirks you’ve picked up from various creatures. Like the way you curl up when you’re lying down on the couch and how you shrink back from things that happened to surprise you, similar to a big cat. Your eyes are focused like a wild animal, too. Very cute.

·         Lots of animal-themed nicknames.

Hades:

·         “You know, some tell me I’m a kinda animal, babe… “He wiggles his eyebrows at you over his mug of whatever-he-drinks (You fear asking, after watching him eat a bowl of worms), offering his best (And funniest) bedroom eyes to you.

·         “Yes, but are you as cute as this snake Hades?? Are you?? Look into these eyes and tell me this snek is not as cute as you are.” You lift the little grass snake gently from the table and onto your arm, letting him wrap its body around you and lift his head to look around; Checking out what’s up. He was getting his scales stroked good; Why has it stopped?  

·         “Pfft,” Hades rolls his eyes, returning to the chess board in front of him (He likes to play both sides and challenge himself).

·         Okay so, Hades can take or leave most animals. But it’s so cute that you love them, so he lets you keep them around. Whatever animals you like (Don’t worry, you also have the proper equipment and enclosures for them, and Hades makes another God, who is an expert on all things animals, come by whenever you have a question), and however many you like. I mean, what’s the good of being a God if you can’t spoil yourself and your preciously excited, human significant other?

·         So you have, like, Reptiles at the west end of his underworld castle, nocturnal animals on the east, more pet-type animals like dogs and cats and rabbits in the living area part of the castle, etc.

·         The animals give Pain and Panic a hugely hard time, which Hades thinks is a great bonus to doing this for you.

·         He really loves it when you call him and yourself the animal’s parents. Yes, call me Daddy, babes. Its fine by me!

Jafar:

·         Oh my god, the disdain in his voice when he looks from you, practically bouncing on the heels of your feet and to the fluffy white kitty you’ve gently shoved in his hands- which he holds at nearly a full arm’s length away from him. “Eugh. Really?”

·         “What’s wrong! ? Isn’t she the cutest?”

·         “She’ll get fur everywhere.”

·         “Oh, that’s rich… “You say, side eye-ing Iago, who’s making a face at the cat from Jafar’s other shoulder. “Iago stress moults- and you stress him out all the time!”

·         A dramatic, offended gasp erupts from one of the two males (Not gonna tell you who). “It is aesthetically pleasing mess!”

·         So basically if the animal doesn’t speak a language he understands, he doesn’t care for it. You’re going to be fighting him on this for the rest of your life, Y/N. (Or his. I mean, I heard evil double crossing sorcerer vizier’s are dying at an accelerated rate these days. Hm, mysterious.).

[talesofsonicasura]

Guardian of the Forest

This has been stewing in my Google drive for quite a bit. It's when you play tons of Digimon, binge watch Attack On Titan and have a love for Demon Digimon that resulted in this little story here.

She was punished from the unrighteous sin of another. His entire species caged in stone walls like sheep to the slaughter. Both refuse to accept their fate and it was time to strike back and rebel.

Monster. A word that has many meanings to describe something. A term often used for otherworldly creatures or those with peculiarities. Something that fit the Evil Digimon species. They were called Evil for they represented the demons, horrors and undead of legends. Demons, ghosts, ghouls and vampires are such a small sample amongst the variety. Yet, not all of them are actually evil.

They are called that mainly for their power to manipulate the element of darkness. Darkness to many was considered malevolent, vile and unneeded. On the opposite, Holy Digimon were considered pure and absolute good. They held angelic appearances and wielded the element known as light. Light to many was blessed, sacred and untainted. Yet, not all Holy Digimon were good.

Yet not many could look past the black and whites of the world. This led the innocent to be punished and the wicked to be rewarded. It was how many innocent Digimon were sent to the Dark Area or worse, deleted. Amongst them was a Granddracmon who was only trying to protect his young. A Holy Digimon with a heart darker than any abyss had struck the family with unequal hatred.

Clash between Mega Digimon was intense and devastating especially one as powerful as GranDracmon who are said to surpass many Demon Lord Digimon vastly in power. In the end, Granddracmon had been subdued and punished. Punishment? The youngest Digimon had the power of Digivolution taken from them and cast out of the Digital World trapped in the In-Training stage with no hope of surviving or returning home.

Yet, hope was something no one could manipulate or control. For it granted the impossible in unpredictable ways.

Shiganshina, the outer town of Wall Maria. Long ago, giant creatures resembling emerged all over the world. These beasts held unbelievably sturdy hides, near godlike regeneration and incredible size from a simple three meters to a towering fifteen meters. To animals, they leave them undisturbed and vice versa. However when it involved humans was where the horror laid.

These creatures hunt down humans and devour them with no emotion. The terrifying part? These beasts only did it for the kill not for substance or vendetta. It was for the kill and no more. It didn't take long for humanity to be pushed to the edge of extinction overnight. Survivors crafted three walls ranging from 50 meters and over to keep the creatures out and these creatures earned their name. Titans, for they only brought death and destruction.

Shiganshina was located in the first wall that was made, Wall Maria. It was where farmers, common folk and those who were considered low status dwelled amongst vast abundance of nature. One forest in particular was special amongst the others. The Legend of the Red Eye. The Red Eye was a mysterious creature that dwelled within the woods. It was called Red Eye for the large glowing red orb that emerged before it strikes.

Deer, wolves and even bears fell victim to its claws with all of their blood drained. Yet to a single boy amongst thousands of people wasn't afraid. Hair short and the color of dark chocolate with eyes as bright as emeralds but a soul that burned like fire. This child was Eren Yeager, son of Doctor Grisha Yeager. An act of bravery was what set the greatest ripple of all history.

The sound of footsteps and crunching of leaves could be heard as a young child barely 3 ft in height ran through the Red Eyed Woods. This child, Eren, was carrying an empty firewood container on his back and in his hand was a few rabbits freshly killed. "Hmm… She should be somewhere around here. Garnet! Garnet! Where are you?" Eren called as his youthful slight raspy voice carried out through the vast woods.

A large bright red glared at the boy from deep within the brush of brambles and leaves. Claws clicked in the sticks they grasped. When the child draws near, it leapt out at him. Eren only turned before being knocked to the ground by a bluish violet blur. The boy laid on his back as green orbs stared into a single large red orb. Pinning the child to the ground was a large violet blue hand like creature.

It was half the boy's size with two wispy antennas, small white claws on each leg and a single giant red eye on the front of its odd octopus/hand body. Though what was peculiar was that Eren had a small pin on his shirt shaped just like the red eyes beast. "Get off me Garnet! If I come home with scratch marks in my clothes again, mom will get very suspicious about what I been doing!" Eren yelled in annoyance.

"Sorry Erenmon. Garnet is just hungry." A childish little girl's voice came from the creature as it walked off the boy. "What do you expect from your large appetite? All that pigging out on bears lately got you triple the size of a normal Tsumemon!" Eren exclaimed as Garnet looked at him. "I can't help it. Not being able to digivolve screws up any Digimon's natural biology. Size is the only thing that has been keeping me alive and not some wolf's dinner." Garnet replied walking over to Eren.

It was actually comical on how the duo met. Eren was being chased by a wolf when he had accidentally walked into its territory. This wolf was the one that actually was being hunted by Garnet. It was an alpha predator hunting a predator who was stalking a potential prey. It ended with Eren throwing a stick at the furball causing it to trip and Garnet the chance to grapple the creature to feed on it. From then it was the beginning of their odd friendship and years of trading.

Eren would visit Garnet with animals he hunted. Then he would exchange it for something the Tsumemon found in the forest or help in tasks like wood gathering. It benefitted both parties for Eren would get stuff he could use or sell and Garnet got more food to eat or store. "Do you need anything while your here Erenmon?" Garnet questioned the child. Apparently adding -mon to someone's name was a sign of respect and endearment for the In-Training's point of view.

"Nah. I just thought of giving you some rabbits to eat today. You have been a big help lately considering dad's work has been going slow." Eren states giving said forest creatures to the Digimon. "Hey, you are my friend and friends help each other. Ain't the Scouts coming back today from their latest expedition? You don't want to miss it." Garnet said as Eren flinched. "Oh crap! You're right! Thanks for the heads up Garnet. I have to go before Mikasa finds out I disappeared." Eren exclaimed as the little Digimon chuckled.

"Go Erenmon! I 'see' you tomorrow!" Garnet giggled with an eye pun as Eren took off. "I wonder when he will ever introduce me to his friends. Though considering everyone's views on the Survey Corps and this Titan nonsense of late, he does have good reasons." Garnet said as she took her claws and dug them into the three bunny corpses. "Why do I have this feeling that something bad is going to happen?" The Tsumemon asked herself before feeding her on food's blood.

Survey Corps or Scout Regiment, it was a military faction dedicated to exploring the outside world beyond the walls. It also had the highest death count of over 40 percent each expedition. This regiment was the only one who also did research on the mysterious titans and it was thanks to them for what precious knowledge they had about the giants.

Many thought they were fools for there was barely anything to cover the massive loss of life per trip but this isn't what Eren saw. To him, the Scouts were the only ones looking for answers to forever ending the titan's reign but also the world they were forced to abandoned for these insufferable walls. Some of the many who didn't support the Scouts was Eren's own mother Carla Yaeger.

She absolutely despises the Survey Corps and couldn't help but belittle them with each chance she gets. Eren could remember the many times she has done so in double digits. It was that attitude that made their relationship rough but meeting Garnet had made it worse. Garnet doesn't insult or belittle his mother whenever they meet up.

She could understand her wanting Eren to be alive but attacking the only thing willing to fight for the better of their face miffed her like a bad itch. "Nothing is forever. There will come a time where these walls will fall. The Survey Corps are the only ones trying to find a solution. They chose to risk their lives for change. To make fun of them is disrespecting their sacrifice. No one should insult their cause or souls" Were her words exactly.

Garnet had not just supported the boy but also teach him skills that could help if he ever enlists in the military. She taught him how to mask his presence, observe his surroundings and develop a sixth sense for danger. Eren had kept his goal to join the Survey Corps secret from his mother. The only ones who knew other than him and Garnet were his foster sister Mikasa and his best friend Armin.

Though he didn't feel it was smart to tell Mikasa. Mikasa was adopted into their family when her parents were brutally murdered by slave traffickers. Her onyx hair and near solemn black eyes with the crimson scarf was the only thing to identify her amongst any crowd. Mikasa was overly protective which was something Garnet believed she needed to hold back on.

Eren easily agreed with the Digimon during his current situation. The Survey Corps had returned to the walls but this expedition was a bust so to speak. A lot of casualties and broken spirits amongst the group of soldiers. The worst was when a mother looking for her son amongst then was brought back his arm and told they didn't learn anything new. That it was a waste. He recognized the look in Mikasa's eyes from the scene and knew what happened next was something he didn't like.

'Traitor!' Eren screamed in his head as he ran from his home in a rage. Mikasa had told his secret to his mother and the reaction was one he expected for her. 'Get that idiotic thought out of your head! I won't let my son go out to get himself killed for something pointless!' His mother's voice bellowed at him. 'She doesn't understand! I don't want to live a life as a bird stuck in a cage! I want to go see what's out there and the answers it holds! We can't sit around or this nightmare will never end!' Eren thought trying to hold back tears.

He needed to do something. Anything to resist the urge to scream in rage and go berserk. He looked up to see a boy around his age being picked by bullies. Eren recognized this particular child as Armin from his sun yellow hair, blue eyes and skinny frame. Despite being frail, Armin was the smartest of the three. Eren was the trio's courage and Mikasa served as the powerhouse. "Leave my friend alone you bastards!" Eren howled before jumping into the fray. It wasn't anyone's day at all.

"Nail Scratch!" A tree limb was suddenly sliced into pieces as Garnet leapt past it. The Tsumemon had decided to up her training by working on her techniques. It was something she did so on the day Eren made it to the Scouts then she could support him in battle. Titans only had one weak spot which was located on the nape of their neck. Her Bubble attack would be useless in a fight but her Nail Scratch had the best chance of actually breaking through their tough hide.

"Alright! I sliced clean through that limb and it was twice as thick as the last one too!" Garnet cheered happily. The sun was beginning to set as Garnet faced the wall far from her home. She felt confused as something was tapping into her senses. Then her pupil shrunk and her antennae shot up in alert. "That aura…! Danger! Really really deadly! It's… a catastrophe in the making! Eren in danger!" Garnet hissed wildly as a giant bolt of lightning crashed down from the distance.

"Find Eren! I gotta find Eren!" She cried out before darting off in a frenzy of worry and desperation. It can take one thing to remind the last remnants of humanity of what kept them caged. Giant skinless fingers hung over the 50 meter as what belonged to it rose into view. The face of a skinless behemoth of a titan with a corpse like mouth and verdant eyes that only promised devastation looked down on the people of Shiganshina.

In an instant the outer gate between the outside and Shiganshina had exploded inward taking into the air. Debris rained from above crushing both people and buildings underfoot the pure terror was the soulless face of a 15 meter titan peeking its head through the breach. A mass of panic had broken out as Mikasa and Eren were trapped in the chaos. "Come on Mikasa! We have to find mom! Part of that gate went flying where our house is at!" Eren screamed as he ran with all his might.

Garnet amongst the panic was also searching for Eren. The Tsumemon wove through the crowd looking desperately for her friend while dispatching any Titans in her path. "Nail Scratch!" She cried out as her claws ripped through the nape of a 12 meter Titan who was about to grab a child. "*huff* That's 7 of them but no sign of Eren. Where is he?!" Garnet shouted. She looked to her right and saw what remained of Eren's house.

How did she know? The corpse of Eren's own mother peeked from underneath the tile roof specifically her hand. "She wasn't eaten since that roof obviously crushed her. Irony on how ones fear of being devoured is to be replaced with death by their own home. Yet, where's Eren?" Garnet questioned before her single eye laid on something that chilled her core.

In the hands of an ugly blonde 15 meter Titan was Eren! "No!" She screamed as she flew desperately towards her friend. Eren was fighting to break the monster's grasp on him but it merely ignored his attempts to the likeness of a fly. 'I'm not going to make it but I can't leave him!' The Tsumemon thought. 'If only I could Digivolve but that bastard took it away from me!' The thought made her want to scream.

A memory flashed through her mind. 'Hey. Do you have a name other than Tsumemon?' A young Eren asked the little Tsumemon. 'No. Tsumemon is the only thing I got. No one really gave me one.' Garnet replied. 'Do you want one? I think you deserve an actual name than something you share with your species.' The boy said as Garnet looked confused. 'Um, okay? What do you think my name should be?' The Tsumemon questioned.

'Um… I got it! I'll call you Garnet! It's this stone Armin showed me in his special book! It said that a Garnet represents a strong spirit and will of defiance! You fight against all the odds and still come out on top yet keep a level head! ' Eren explained as Garnet couldn't help but feel happy. 'Then call me Garnet.' The Tsumemon soon had a determined look on her face.

'I won't give up! Eren put his faith in me! I am a Garnet and Garnets always overcome every challenge! I don't need Digivolution because I have something better! A friend!' Garnet thought picking up more speed. "We are going to see what lies beyond these walls together. Eren… I'M NOT LETTING YOU DIE!!!" Garnet cried out with all her might as Eren felt her resolve. "Garnet!!!" Eren cried as he turned and reached out for his friend.

And at that moment, hope had brought forth a new power.

"Spirit Rebellion! Tsumemon EXEvolve to…!" The Tsumemon cried as a bright red light engulfed her in a brilliant flash. The sound of torn flesh pierced through the destructive chaos as boiling red splattered everywhere. The head of the 15 meter sailed through the air along with other pieces of its body before crashing into different parts of Shiganshina and even one piece splatting onto the wall.

Eren had opened his eyes that he didn't know he closed to find himself still alive. "What happened?" He asked before noticing the surface underneath him was red, furry and eerily shaped like a hand. "Erenmon, you're safe now." A soft, kind and exotic woman's voice spoke as Eren looked up in shock. Only one person called him Erenmon. Holding him gently in their hand was a centaur like creature.

It was around 20 meters and looked capable of carrying a 15 meter Titan on her back. The top half was human with gray skin and the face of a woman that was obscured by a dark blue eyeless mask, red straps, black belts, a blue bat shaped cowl that a beautiful carved garnet gemstone and dark red fur covered the top half of her body and chest, long curly blond mane of hair on her head and a spiralling tail of yellow hair, half black and half white bat like wings on her back, twin curled horns, razor sharp claws, a beautiful woman's face that held sharp fangs behind soft ruby lips.

Her bottom half could be described as something from hell. The bottom half was more wolf and bear like than horse from the bulk and talon wielding paws, two giant eyeless shark like heads snapped from the side of her front thighs practically big enough to swallow a 12 meter Titan's head in their jaws, back curled spikes behind each of her legs guaranteeing pain for those careless to strike and on her lower was some sort of horse armor with a sheath that made home to a sword with a black bat like hilt.

"Garnet...You digivolved…" Eren spoke breathless at his friend's incredible transformation. "I don't think this is Digivolution but it's something more powerful. EXEvolution..." Garnet answered. "EXEvolution… Garnet, is my mom?" Eren asked as Garnet couldn't help but shook her head. Tears welled up in the child's eyes as he looked ready to cry. "The house killed her from collapsing. She was dead on arrival. Though there are more pressing matters." Garnet explained as Eren looked at the madness around them.

"Garnet. We have to get everyone out of here. As much as I want to kill these titans, there are still people alive who need to be saved." Eren said wiping the tears from his face. "I'm with you partner. Do you wish to give this form a name before we begin?" Garnet asked facing her friend. "Yeah I do. No longer are we going to sit back and let these bastards trample our dreams! It's time to fight back! Let's show them your new power Garnet! The power of GranDracmon: Rebellion Mode!" Eren shouted with all his might.

"GranDracmon: Rebellion Mode… Yes! That'll do my friend! Time to break our chains and rebel!" Garnet declared as her twin shark heads roared in challenge. Hope can come in many forms and often comes in moments of rebellion. To rebel against fate is to prove yourself worthy to face the impossible. That is the power of EXEvolution. Something this beauty and cruel world will easily understand because of two spirits who fought against fate!

That's it! GranDracmon line is one of my favorite Digivolution lines other than Cherubimon Evil or Venommyotismon from the Demon Digimon family. EXEvolution is like an alternate version of Digivolution which I created to avoid being a complete hypocrite since quote on quote Garnet can't Digivolve.

Eren's pure hatred stemmed from watching his mother get eaten but since she died an alternate way, he's resolve is more towards saving others than 'I'm gonna kill all the Titans'. Plus GranDracmon Rebellion Mode is came from a dream along with the thought of it being badass with a Rogue Titan Eren riding into battle on Garnet like a badass.

That's it for now! Until next time, stay fresh!

[terrible-tentacle-theatre]

The Bestiary Revamped: Vampire Squid (HALLOWEEN SPECIAL)

Disclaimer: While this article is founded in scientific fact, it contains hyberbole and conscious exaggerations for the sake of comedy. Do not take my ramblings at face value. You can find the sources at the end of the article and tools for scientific fact-checking under the “Learn more” link on my blog.

The old article can be read here.

(I intended to post this yesterday but stuff came up. Anyway.)

Ahem.

Cue the spooky music.

*threatening organ music plays at unbearable volumes*

That’s right, dear readers, the Spooky Gourd Day has finally, finally come, and with it the nigh-endless Halloween shitposting that permeates this website every October like the smell of pumpkin pie did my house just a few hours ago, immediately before I ate most of it. (I still have like half of it left, but it’s cold now so it doesn’t have that mouthwatering smell unless I reheat it. And I was too busy watching old Betty Boop Halloween cartoons to reheat it. Anyway, I’m getting off track.)

Frankly, the obsession of internet culture with this innocuous holiday has always fascinated me. What it is about a day when you get to dress up all funky-like, go from house to house acting like an idiot, horf down all the candy you can get away with and watch scary movies all night that is so attractive to them youngsters? I simply cannot wrap my head around it.

However, it is a day of great significance to this blog, since this is the day when we celebrate the utter freakiest of the freakiest that can be pulled up from the stygian waves of the planet’s oceans. This is the third Halloween of the Terrible Tentacle Theatre, and for this notable occasion, I have decided to give one of my earliest poster children a much-needed revisit.

Back in the early days of the blog, when it was still called Hectocotylus and my content mainly consisted of spicing up Wikipedia and Cracked articles with swearing for the sick enjoyment of some 30 followers, the article in question was my first big hit among the people of the Digital Blue Hills of Hell. In the days when most of my articles didn’t go above 20 notes, this beast gathered up 300 notes by using its nebulous tendrils to reach into the deepest corners of the ole ‘web. Not only was this creature my first big hit in my career as a marine biology blogger with tone moderation issues, it would also fit in great as the main monster in a theoretical Universal Horror/Syfy teamup, which would be the Halloweeniest shit ever.

Ladies, gentlemen and other fellows, the vampire squid.

Before you even see this thing in full detail you can already gather that I didn’t choose it for this year’s Halloween special for nothing. Everything from the ghoulish dark red color scheme to the bat-like webbing between eldritch tentacles screams “cheesy Hammer Horror movies written by good ol’ Howard Philips”. And it will become even more evident when you see it in its full, glowy, betentacled glory.

This is how it looks like when you stare down a squishy, floppy incarnation of doom. This thing looked so freaky that the dude who discovered it, a certain German biologist called Karl Chun, decided to name it Vampyroteuthis infernalis. That’s Latin for “vampire squid from Hell”. Yep, that’s right. Remember the part where science is hard fact unaffected by emotion? Well you can throw that right out the window, because this fucker freaked its discoverer out so hard that he named it the vampire squid from Hell.

“The shit I’ve seen, kiddo. You wouldn’t believe.”

Even descriptions of this guy sound like they escaped straight from a 19th century gothic horror novel. For example, in 1925 the Arcturus expedition caught one near the Galapagos Islands and described it as “a very small but very terrible octopus, black as night, with ivory white jaws and blood-red eyes.” Even in the years of the Roaring Twenties, merely seeing the vampire squid was enough to bring out anyone’s inner Poe or Bram Stoker, apparently, which isn’t very surprising considering that it looks like Béla Lugosi had an illicit affair with one of the Star-Spawn of Cthulhu.

You’re welcome for that mental image.

While calling it a vampire is more than appropriate, the names “squid” or “octopus” are much less fitting. While intially appearing to be something of an octopus, it’s actually not one of them; and it isn’t a squid either, which left the confused scientists to place it within its own little private taxon, the order Vampyromorphida. If you know a little bit of Latin, that means “vampire-shaped”, which would imply that this is the general shape for vampires. So next time you read Twilight, imagine Edward as a vampire squid flopping around on the ground the entire time and I guarantee you’ll have a blast reading through several hundred pages of sweaty bloodsucker romance.

Unlike Edward however, the vampire squid doesn’t actually feed on blood. Dashing from shadow to shadow in the cover of a snappy opera cape and hunting for innocent young maidens in the night is the kind of energy expenditure that this malevolent mollusk cannot afford. Mainly because it lives (you guessed it) in the darkest, deepest excesses of the oceans, where the eternal darkness creates an all-year-round Halloween mood. In these waters, even beginners have a hard time finding the tiniest scraps of food, and have to resort to drastic measures to get by. But the vampire squid looks at those beginners and goes “yall are scrubs git gud lmao”. Compared to the vampire squid’s lifestyle, virtually any other denizen of the deep sea lives right in the middle of a goddamn cornucopia.

See, the vampire squid doesn’t just live in the deep ocean. It specifically prefers places called Oxygen Minimum Zones (OMZ), which sounds more like the hardest Sonic level ever than any serious place which can support life. OMZs are vast sheet-like expanses of water in the deep sea which barely contain any breathable oxygen. Some of these zones can contain as little as 5% of the oxygen that saturates air, and barely anything survives here.

And guess what? The vampire squid lives here. Not only lives, but thrives.

This is the game the vampire squid plays, every day of its life. On hard difficulty.

Obviously, living in a dead wasteland of suffocating water has required the squid to adopt some nifty tools of survival. Do not do so would be like entering the final dungeon of a video game with early game gear.

First off is a pair of sensory filaments, which the vampire squid extends through the water much like a spider does its web. They are super long and flexible, and probably the source of so many dick jokes that the squid will choke a bitch if anyone tells one more.

“No, I’ve never heard that one ever. Ha ha ha. Real fuckin’ original.”

Next up is a pair of membranous wings, used by the squid to travel through the aether of space to “fly” through the water, it’s cape-like arm web billowing behind it. The vampire parallels are getting more and more accurate.

Interestingly this wing isn’t the same in adults and juveniles. At one point in their devlopment they start growing a second pair of fins which eventually fully substitutes the first pair, which then atrophies back into the flesh. Thus if you’re lucky enough to catch a vampire squid, it’s not impossible that it will have four fins. The biologists who first found these four-finned squid nearly went insane trying to describe it (and several other developmental stages) as separate species. It was such a mess it took years to sort out, and nowadays the vampire squid is the sole surviving species of its order. He’s standing in the darkness. Alone.

WAKE ME UP INSIDE

The fins and the filaments aren’t just decorative elements the squid picked out at Hot Topic, either. Used in tandem, they’re a fearsomely effective netting tool and the way this crafty cephalopod earns its daily bread. You think spiders are cool with their webs? Nah, Spiders ain’t shit. They’re lazy idiots and their web does all the work for them. the vampire squid’s filaments is where it’s REALLY at.

See, the vampire squid’s main diet is thankfully not blood but something called “marine snow”. This is basically the shower of discarded tissue, shit and corpses that rains down upon the lower layers of the deep ocean from the upper layers all year round. Having this fall from the sky for “White Christmas” would probably be quite traumatizing.

DECK THE HALLS WITH BALLS OF FECES SHALALALALALALALALAAAAARGH

The vampire squid, however, has had its resolve steeled by years of isolation in the darkness of the deep ocean, and is willing to chug down anything to survive. Bear Grylls is a picky gourmet chef compared to this guy.

That said, it needs to eat something that’s actually of some nutritional worth. It could spend its life scarfing down every chunk of marine snow it comes across, but that would be a waste of muscle movements since most of it does exactly nil to fill up its stomach. That’s where the filaments/fins combo come in, turning the vampire squid into an angry little tripwire trap ready to snap at any moment.

Note the filament. That’s not a parasite, that’s legit a part of the animal. Nobody knows where it evolved from, it’s not a modified arm or tentacle and it’s a fucking enigma.

Mystery tentacles: the quintessential Terrible Tentacle Theatre experience.

Extending its filaments (one at a time) into the mucky waters around, it waits more still then I do when I go to the kitchen for a glass of water during the night and I hear a sudden noise. The filaments come with a plethora of sensitive nerve endings, ensuring that anything bigger than a flea’s asscheeks landing on them will elicit an immediate response from the squid. And if said asscheeks touch the filaments, responds the squid it does. Specifically, it exhibits a surprising burst of speed (considering it just drifts around all day and it is effectively the consistency of Jell-O), pulled entirely by its fins to perform an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle, whipping around in a loose loop and catching its own filament. Millions of dogs around the world enviously sigh in unison.

After this, the squid pulls off its prey from the filament using its arms, which generate a solid slime-like material. The collected chunks of edible whatnot are rolled into a ball of slime, and horfed down by the squid at once. You probably cannot tell but there’s a Michelin star underneath its mantle. “Slimeball à la Vampire Squid” is one gourmet-ass dish.

Molto bene!

Of course, all this fine dining makes the vampire squid itself tasty as all hell. You are what you eat, afterall. But in the deep sea, you do NOT want to be tasty, because everyone is hungry on top of being the most light-deficient gourmet motherfuckers on the planet. So naturally, our subject needs some sort of way to evade the raving food critics hunting him in the deep. And he has this way in the form of a very unlikely tool: bioluminescence.

“But Admin”, I hear you say, “didn’t you just get done telling us last week that glowing in the deep sea will attract everything around you?” That I did, young padawan, and it still stands. However, just like last week’s subject, the vampire squid uses its built-in glowsticks with a very express purpose and doesn’t just flash into the sunset willy-nilly. The glowy parts of this beast have very well-defined places and usages, exquisitely located and timed, just like a laugh track in a sitcom. Underneath its dark-red skin the vampire squid carries clusters of glowing photophores mainly on the tip of its arms as well as in two fake eye-spots on the top of its mantle, ready to flare up in a blue burst of light on demand. The fake eyes even come with their own built-in eyelids, opening and closing as Dracula Jr. sees fit.

Imagine you’re a predator and you see this glowing collection of random bullshit. Now figure out where to bite. Good fucking luck.

These lights are used with great care and consideration in order to troll the fuck out of anybody who is foolish enough to make an attempt on the vampire squid’s life. Upon attack, the squid whips its arms around with the lights on full luminosity, creating a confusing dance of light spots in the otherwise total darkness and messing up the predator’s perception. The false eyes only make things worse, finally creating the illusion that the vampire squid possesses unlimited godlike control over space and time, which may damn well be true.

Question: What way is this vampire squid going? Hint: It’s not facing toward you.

The appearance of the squid as a godlike psychic is surprisingly in line with the whole vampire angle, since Dracula has reknownedly had the ability to charm and hypnotize people. The effect is further accentuated by the squid’s eyes, proportionally the largest of any animal ever discovered. With a diameter a whopping one sixth of the animal’s whole body, this thing's oculars are like if you were walking around with eyes the size of your head. Each.

And for added effect, they glow and change color depending on which angle you’re looking at them from.

DISCO CTHULHU

And finally, if a spooky vampire-looking-ass dark red glowing octopus-squid-thing with hypnotic powers isn’t Halloweeny enough for you, the vampire squid has a final trick up its sleeve that catapults it right into the realm of body horror. This is suspected to be a defensive tactic but who the fuck knows, really. Deep sea creatures are enigmatic as shit, and they guard their secrets jealously.

Alright, I’ll quit beating around the bush and say it outright. Basically the final defensive measure of the vampire squid is turning itself inside out.

Yep.

Of all the stupid shit that Mother Nature could have come up with, she went and decided “alright, it just up and turns itself inside the fuck out. What are you gonna do about it?”

This behavior is known to science as “pineappling” or even more Halloweeny-ly “pumpkin posture” (no, seriously) and it involves the squid taking the webbing between its arms and turning it upside to shield its head and body from harm. Now folded comfortably into a spiky little footbal, the vampire squid knows itself free from harm. The webbings are thin enough for it to see through, but also don’t let its lights to shine around, so doing this effectively means the vampire squid switches into stealth mode. Plus it looks stylishly similar to Dracula popping the collar on his cape.

The vampire squid is every Monster Mash horror cliché come to life and smushed into a vaguely cephalopod shaped package for best user experience. When the stars are right and Cthulhu and his Star-Spawn emerge from the sunken city of R’lyeh to bring the world to ruin once more, these guys will be the first living things they encounter. And then they’ll fuck off back to their stupid city, mumbling things like “what the hell man, that’s plagiarism” and “that’s way too extra, even for us”. The apocalypse is postponed once again, thanks to the vampire squid’s vailant efforts of looking weird as fuck.

Happy Halloween, everybody! I was a day late due to the length of this article, but I hope you don’t mind. Until next Tuesday’s article, have a wonderful time with the aftermath of the day of cheesy horror and confectioneries.

Sources:

Encyclopedia of Life

Tree of Life Web Project

Animal Diversity Web

Ocean Biogeographic Information System (OBIS)

Ellis, Richard. “Introducing Vampyroteuthis infernalis, the vampire squid from Hell”. The Cephalopod Page. Dr. James B. Wood. 

Seibel, Brad. “Vampyroteuthis infernalis, Deep-sea Vampire squid”. The Cephalopod Page. Dr. James B. Wood. Retrieved 3 July 2011. 

Hoving, H. J. T.; Robison, B. H. (2012). “Vampire squid: Detritivores in the oxygen minimum zone”. Proceedings of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences. 

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

Grimms Notes 1 | Spec Ops Asuka 1 - 2 | Boogiepop 3 | Price of Smiles 2 - 3 | Kaguya-sama 1 | Mob Psycho II 2 | Morose Mononokean II 2 - 3 | Shield Hero 2 | My Roommate is a Cat 2 | Girly Air Force 1

Grimms Notes 1

Somehow, from the opening shot having an easy-to-draw-and-animate non-very-threatening monster, I can tell this is a game adaption.

…Likwise, when I have complaints about the birds in the OP being CG, you know this is an anime.

I think this “handing down the role of Red Riding Hood” thing is interesting. However, the humour Tao was going for at the time…was so not me.

I think all Tao said was that it was dangerous (in the audio). I think the subber was trying to insert a Zelda meme…what an evil agenda…(partially joking)

“…scary black thing…” – Do you mean the monster? If you mean the wolf monster and not the other clawed creature from the beginning of the episode, then that’s not black. That’s purple.

I think Brain’s Base is trying to make Red look creepy with her dead ahead stare, but…as much as I don’t like a fisheye lens, we could really use some right now.

Okayyyyyyyyyy…I knew anime could make anything a weapon, but a bookmark? That’s stretching credulity a bit. How is that badass??? C’mon, even healing was – kinda – badass in Merc Storia because it had a purpose. A bookmark is just used for keeping your place in a book. Unless it’s one of those metal ones that falls out of books all the time, they don’t hurt flies.

Seriously, doesn’t Goliath get defeated by David??? In better news, I thought Tao was vaguely hot, but Robin Hood…ooh…

I have no idea why Alice’s weapon is a sword, btw.

Waitttttt…wuh? “I’ll show you how to be a real lady”???? *eyes of skepticism* At least the other ones make sense and aren’t as gendered – but notably Cinderella is a healer when they could’ve done something cooler, like the Little Mermaid or something (to tie into siren mythology).

Obviously Evil Villain is Obvious. Nothing new to see here.

Well…that was mildly unsatisfying…

Spec Ops Asuka 1

For some reason, I call Magical Girl Special Operations Asuka “Spec Ops Asuka”. Well, at least it makes sense…*shrugs*

Karambit. Surprisingly, it’s a weapon I’ve never heard of before…

Exposition dumps have never been this clunky before! Oof!

Whiskey Charlie? Like…WC? Toilet??? (I’m not sure everyone will get that joke, but okay.)

I’d probably translate the episode title to “Comeback of the Magical Girl”. It starts with a relative clause, so it should be that way in English too.

The ol’ transfer student cliché. *sigh* Anime, anime, anime…why you do dis to me? Not that I mind it, I wouldn’t be so deep if I weren’t…

What’s the name of Nozo-chan’s friend again???

“Franz on the Waves” seems to be a play on “Kafka on the Shore”.

Le sigh…I get the feeling this was written by a dude to satisfy male fantasies by pretending to use girl power as a symbol.

Seriously though, if you thought Sailor Moon was bad at keeping identities…Asuka has it worse. I mean, Rapture Asuka = Asuka Ootori. It’s really obvious in English…

A thug man with a metal hand drinking tea from a tiny cup…now there’s a real source of humour!

(Trigger warning: prostitution discussion) - “…whoring yourself out.” – Err…that’s definitely not what I expected to see in an anime like this. I haven’t shied away from Shield Hero, but this I did a really big double take on for all the wrong reasons. Even with Sayoko to hold Nozo-chan back, I still think Nozo’s being really, really insensitive here.

Okay…the rules of long hair state you must pull your hair out from towels. They missed a good opportunity to do that shoujo sparkle thing with that, y’know, even if to create mood whiplash.

There is something to be said about bystander effect here, I think, and how people award proactivity rather than being passive...especially with magical girls and those other kinds of people who act as “heroes” during times of crisis.

Oh, of course, terrorism. Because we want our magical girls political now…*le sigh*

“Live your life for the sake of those who died.” – This reminds me of the situation with cian-aemilian all over again. I’m pretty sure I’ve said something of a similar nature in the past due to it. Update: my exact quote was “…what can the living do but keep those who have gone in their memory?”

…and of course, people who watch magical girls from afar use drones, because that’s going to outdate this show in a good 10 – 20 years. *le sigh*

Well, colour me impressed. I was about to jump ship due to the shoddy quality, but I think that quote at the end felt like a dig at me personally in the best (yet worst) way possible.  I did laugh a tonne at how stupid the gore looked, though, which might be a problem…

Boogiepop 3

Is it just me, or has Echoes cleaned up now enough to be kinda…hot?

Waittttt…which of them is “Niitoki-kun”? Sorry, I just don’t think I’m 100% comprehending all the names being flung about here. Update: Niitoki is the class prez gal.

Somehow I knew he was going to stab Echoes with the pen, but I was still slightly surprised to see it happen.

Hmm…that episode was a lot more impressive than the last two. Things actually made sense, now that we know the background of them,

Price of Smiles 2

I see 2D mechs. They may be stationary, but I’m still impressed…they’re basically a dying breed these days.

Why do these mechs have shields, anyway?

I like how the twins poked fun at Joshua’s “passion and will” thing.

Oh no…judging from their reaction…did Joshua die???

End of episode segment…keep watching.

Kaguya-sama 1

This is my final premiere…so I’d better make this count. I read somewhere the narrator was overpowering and read the first volume of manga, but otherwise that’s all I know about this.

I think that shot that replays in the OP is part of one chapter of the manga.

Tori…Tottori…geddit? Oh, never mind.

20th Century Fox, much?

The weed was a good touch. I don’t remember that being in the manga. (No, I’m not talking about that weed…which you can smoke…)

“Who’s Hayasaka?” you ask. Good question. Even I didn’t know, so I had to ask Google. Hayasaka…is Kaguya’s valet! If you know that, then you can laugh about it!

If you want a sausage octopus, just go ask your team of chefs for one, Kaguya!

Mob Psycho II 2

I’m pretty sure Ura Sunday is where Mob Psycho is serialised…

Is this the real Junji Ito adaption (LOL)?

Mononokean II 2

Why is Ashiya good at finding metal objects anyway? (If there is an explanation…) It’s only metal items and not anything else, right?

So the Justice is this frumpy purple-haired dude? I think I outgrew this kind of dude once I got over Urushihara…

There are CGI tadpoles, but they’re kinda hard to see against the 2D background…

Come to think of it, Abeno may be the master of the Mononokean, but it seems he reports directly to the Legislator. Is there a guy/youkai like that for the Justice (and presumably the other dude) as well?

Moja falling into the water was too adorable!

Oh great (LOL), the Legislator is basically baiting Abeno with “that’s not water!” from Grand Blue…

I just realised Abeno’s so big in comparison to Ashiya…n-not that I mind of course…(lel)

Aoi? Who dat? Update: Oh yeah…that guy (?) was the first master of the Mononokean. Sorry, I may have watched the 1st series twice, but that was at the start of 2017.

Shield Hero 2

“…is diseased and has a mental disorder.” – Well, I thought it honestly couldn’t get any worse, between slavery and rape accusations. It just did. Again, I don’t condone this stuff, but a story’s a story, no matter how depraved.

Seeing a story about the pits of despair naturally means you can see people get better – I think that’s why we need to have both stories that are light and fluffy + dark and dreary.

I see Naofumi keeps a Balloon (<- how I’ll refer to balloon monsters from now on) at his side all the time now, LOL. By the way, when he bought that ball, I honestly thought he was going to offer Raphtalia a Balloon instead of getting her a proper ball…

Update: Not sure if Naofumi’s inability to taste stuff is because of the betrayal or because of the fact he changed worlds…or maybe even something else?

My Roommate is a Cat 2

I see Bliss wallpaper...either someone has good taste in default wallpapers or a very outdated computer!

Is it alright to feed cats bread…? I’ve never fed a cat.

They say pets are like their owners, huh? Subaru is very much like the cat.

Wait, why are all the pets that are out and about do-Update: Forget I asked. There are some cats outside as well…

I’ve never seen a Japanese word processor with genkouyooshi to type into vertically, come to think of it.

Talking to cats is fine and dandy, I think, assuming they understand you as well. Anyways, I think Subaru got the name “Haru” from “sunny” (hare).

Ah! Kitty too cute!...I wish that could be a review, but sadly…it can’t be.

Post-credits segment…keep going.

Oh, that post-credits segment was so good, even if it did need some explaining to an audience that only knows English!

Update: I read the character bios from the official site, and turns out Haru is a girl.

Girly Air Force 1

I’ve seen mixed opinions about this (as in, read too many impressions on it and they don’t neatly go one way or another), so I’m taking the plunge while I still have time to.

You can tell your protagonist is great when the first word he says is “S***!”

EGG? “Defective girl”? I know I’m watching something with a lot of context here…but seriously, this was definitely made for dudes. Jusssssssssssst saying.

See? What did I say? After your first kiss, it’s only a matter of time before-erhem. I’ll stop ranting now.

So…what languages does Minghua know, exactly?

Wait, so what was Kei doing in China? Better question! (sings in a teasing voice “Eloping, eloping, Kei was eloping!”)

As much as I think free tuition is a good thing…I’m with Minghua. Don’t go risking your life when you just escaped for your life not too long ago.

*sigh* Kei, Kei, Kei…what do you think you’re doing?

…and I LOL. I LOL so hard at how they tossed Kei into the boot but laid down Minghua like a baby.

But seriously, why the name “Daughter”???

Egao no Daika 3

I found and heard Huey! I can leave this show if I wanted to now…

The fact people are red or blue, and sometimes you can’t tell which is which, is powerful colour symbolism.

Spec Ops Asuka 2

Well…that (perception magic) explains one of my questions from last time.

I kep thinking that Sayako is the sort of girl who would become a magical girl…in the traditional sense.

Pigeon fight! The fight I never knew I needed…kind of.

I’ve watched enough anime to know the new transfer student is Kurumi…geez.

Mononokean II 3

For some reason, I didn’t realise this until most of the episode had gone…but Egen is a tengu, right?

Make sure you watch closely for the “like him [Ashiya]” bit…it’s funny when you find out.

I find it the most surprising that Abeno is calling himself an idiot…hmm.