#the same mindless repetitious tasks forever until I die
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#random personal stuff#personal whining ahead feel free to ignore#kind of struggling right now (what else is new)#I was up past three last night having A Crisis#I'm burned out and I know why I'm burned out#but there's no good solution#and on top of that there's some shame and the ever-present need to Restrain just how awful I am#(ha! this time I will have proof for my counselor that I am in fact the worst and I'm not just making that up)#there aren't any viable other life options & who knows if I wouldn't just be exchanging one struggle for another (worse?) one if I tried#the current situation is stagnant and sucking out my soul#people keep telling me to do A Thing for it to improve but it costs money and energy that the current situation isn't leaving me much of#and I don't even know if The Thing is really what I want anyway even if I could do it#I went into this with such ridiculous starry-eyed ideas of helping people but for a long time now everything has seemed meaningless#the same mindless repetitious tasks forever until I die#stuck behind the same desk and not mattering at all#but it's the only thing I can do and I don't know what I would want to do if I had the choice#maybe not work around people again ever which would be better for humanity in general#anyway I want to ask for prayer but I don't know how/what to ask about?
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