#the solution.. is to do it yiurself…

[pastellmochi]

[equiteslegati]

i was so close to taking my life because of how guilty i felt thaat i hurt you. it took you leaving me to understand what the hell i een really did, but i knew youd never come back, and after you said that you cant do long distance, i wouldnt be able to have you even if everything fell in place. i died that day and im sure you wwouldnt have noticed. i didnt want you to. we were bith hurting and i guarantee id have succeeded and you would have never known the difference vetween my guilt and the idea that id kill myself over you. i cant handle my own demons sometimes. just like when i left you the first time and you had a realization and bettered yiurself truly.

i had finall let my hatred towards haley go the day before you decided this abd i had been excited to tell you that i was ready to better myself so we can become a better couple. i moved on from those demons when i realized it was my fault for holding onto those negative emotions. i understand what i did and why youll probably love him more than you did me, trust him more. i never had faith in myself and thats the one thing nobody ever gave me, the ability to believe. i will continue to cheer on your quest for happiness whether it hurts me or not. even if i wasnt an amazing boyfriend to you or even a good lover, i will never let you say im not a good friend. maybe we got together too early, the world wont know. we cant ever take anything back that we have said, and we cant regret anything, otherwise everything that has led up to this the past 6 yewrs would have been for nothing, and i cant bear that. you have more potential than i do. i didnt expect to fall in love ever again, so i wasnt prepared. i still think about how i should have understood earlier, but sometimes life does us like this. i know my damage is irreversible and if you hate me, i have no right to say you cant. just know this was never truly your fault and that you can blame me as much as you wish to.

this is just something we have to work out now. i hope one day youll understand that i truly did love you even through all of my bullshit. i confided in you and only you when i couldnt bear the weight of my problems. i know i was almost never there fir yiu but i tried. it may have not been enough but i was more afraid of saying the wrong thing and killing you than i was of losing you. you were so precious and i cant help but hate myself now. maybe that wwill help you feep a little better knowing so. you were okay while i suffered at your mercy, and i noticed your decline. i am genuinely concerned and i need you to be okay.

i dont know your intentions right now by saying what you have if you didnt want me to say something back. i know yoyre hurting. dont think i fully moved on. even she knows i havent fully moved on. she knows i was in live with you. i told her i probably fucked everything up with you. but at the same time, you probably didnt know abiut how afraid i was of you leaving me. i saw how miserable you were. its not that i didnt care, but i never knew what to say. i always asked if you were okay because i was scared. but why should i open up more to you when i knew i didnt know what i had to do to fix problems i already had within myself?

i hate that it took you leaving me to realize that i really needed to think about it more and really try, but when i offered a solution, you said thats too extreme, but then i test you and you say i shoukd just remove so and so out of my life entirely, it wasnt extreme. i wont call you a hypocrite for that, but i had my resolve and i was okay with sacrifice. i dont even know if you wanted me to really fix anything or if you just wanted to be rid of me. its not like it matters now, we fucked each other up and we cant ever get back together. i know you dott want to. i just wish i never made resolve within myself to get over anything i needed to in order to become the person i once was. it was just too late for that. and thats what fucking eats me most. you didnt sit down at the last minute and i didnt even try, because i realised how fucked up i really am. maybe im just not fit to be with anyone. maybe i wasnt supposed to live past 18 and im just killing everything off that i know so that i can commit to my delusions. i just dont know.