#theres mire to it than that ofc

[belphieslilcow]

me: haha yeah I have people in my head (my paras) but not in an alter way yeah haha

me: oh no I forgot about [REDACTED]

[llonelywater]

fugggggg i wish i didnt care about my appearance at all. it’s so terrible how things like fatness and ugliness is a feeling in itself... like an amalgamation of shame and frustration and insecurity and lethargy etc etc rolled into an all encompassing feeling of UGLINESS/ FATNESS. when i feel fat or ugly i feel like i have zero motivation to do anything i.e. omg im so hideous theres no point in me studying/ eating healthily/ taking care of myself/ meeting anybody. which is absurd and often results in prolonged periods of un-productiveness which only further feeds the self-hatred and self-pity which then leads to this whole chicken and egg cycle but I CANNOT HELP IT. or maybe i can but i am just Weak and spineless omg see here comes the self-deprecation/ negativity again. 

i seriously cannot stand self-pity but i keep indulging in it. SO TERRIBLE!! this has to stop. i would rather hate myself than pity myself arararrgh what is wrong with me. 

even as a kid i thought of myself as gaudy and in excess, but i had always appreciated beauty and thinness the way one would admire something they could never attain. i dont know when i started to associate beauty with thinness, if it was a subconscious thought that slowly taken root in me (courtesy of my parents? the media? kindergarten politics? who knows) over the years, or if it was a taste i’d been born with innately. either way it doesnt matter. i really like lean, thin lines. i like protruding clavicles and scapulae flaring out of someone’s bent back. i wish i didnt!!!!!!!! i wish i liked plumpness and curviness and ive tried to make myself like them but i really couldnt. i keep thinking about how much easier my life could be if i didnt appreciate thinness as much as i do right now. or maybe that’s just barely scraping the surface of the problem. maybe all this is mired in some sort of self-hatred and self-pity borne out of my childhood, the environment im in and (ofc) my naturally shitty personality. who knows!! lmao im turning 23 in 3 days (not that it matters, as in my birthday) but i still dont know how to get myself out of this shithole. i just want ONE DAY when i can look in the mirror and not cringe at how flawed i am. sometimes i think about describing my own facial features as a children’s author would talk about a storybook villain. blah blah blah pudgy round face blah blah hooked pendulous nose blah blah crooked unsightly teeth blah blah blah. keep dreaming about the day i can remove my braces but im like 95% sure i will still find a million things to hate in that mirror so i also keep reminding myself not to pin such high hopes on attaining self love by correcting my shitty teeth. i cannot believe i just spent 20mins verbal diarrhoeaing here on something that is completely retarded without having any sort of conclusion, closure, or solution, but here you go ladies and gentlemen here is my life